S2 Ep. 37 - Cut My Life Into Pizzas
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. A D-20 once told me, hey buddy, you should roll me. I'll prophesize the means of your death. Hermes looking kinda dumb with that goth girl makeup on and that tape measurer in his hand.

The bullet is flying and it won't stop flying. Back of my brain and I hit the ground dying. Didn't make sense not to roll that dice. I knew this would happen, but it still ain't nice. So much to say to you, scary, so I hope that you can forgive me. I'll never know how you're gonna grow. You'll never know I love you so. Hey now, I'm your stepdad. Please don't be sad, be brave now. You're a strong girl, fight the whole world, go slay.

I'll be watching you from the stars. It's a cruel world, and they say it gets cooler. You're happy because you commune with the doodler. But the Stampler man begs to differ. Only one more anchor left to deliver. And don't hate Grant. He's struggling, trying to resist what his caller's been saying. My friends are crying. How about yours? Hope you pull together and you find a way forward. Hey now, I'm your stepdad. Please don't be sad. Be...

Hey now, you're a strong girl, fight the whole world, go slay the bad guys. I'll be watching you from the stars. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. It is a D&D podcast about four teens from our world stuck in hell. And then they got out, and now they're in another hell. They're trying to fix this world that their grandparents screwed up, but boy oh boy, there's a lot of steps along the way to that path.

My name is Fred. The conceit isn't as clear this season. The conceit is not as clean. I admit that. That's on me. That's me. That's just me. No, no. For a while, it was like, it was fun. It was like, the pitch is different every time. But as the board goes down the bar, I was like, Fred's just not listening to the episode. I can clean up the old saga, so I can do that. Freddie's like, welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, a D&D podcast about how only the dead have seen the end of war. Yeah.

My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. You do? The always attentive and listening ranger, anime loving. Don't you have pretty eyes and a pirate smile and a heart of gold? You can have all those. Don't cut that. Don't say that about a kid. You don't have to say any of that stuff. You can just take one look at his shining, beaming face. This week's Taylor fact, a little meta Taylor fact this week. I never met a Taylor fact I didn't like.

Freddie was planning on having Taylor maybe change his voice, you know, right around, I would say, this episode. But given the events of the previous episode, it seems wildly inappropriate. I became a man. Yeah, you know? Wait, are you also planning to spring a voice drop on us? This is pretty wild. It happens. Steal a spotlight from Beth. Just go full in on the voice. Just make it all about you. That's fine. Guys, I got some feelings you gotta work through.

Wait, so what's the actual fact, though? The fact is that you're just not doing that? That's working smarter, not harder. No, the fact is this. Shit. I never have to think of a fact. The fact is this. The fact is when he jumped off the building doing the cool front flip as planned last episode, done so perfectly and so well.

He swallowed a bug, which delayed his biological voice drop for at least one more episode. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid who's a protective paladin of the group. Homeschooled!

I figured I'd go to a little home fact. Lincoln did only play soccer in the backyard with his two dads. And again, they were very protective. Didn't want him to go in the outside world. They did, however, try to do AYSO once, which for those of you who don't know, that's like kids soccer. American Youth Soccer Organization. Yeah. I don't know what it would be called in our world. Anthony, what crazy name. They call it Foot Kids. Foot Kids. Foot Kids.

So he wanted to join the American Foot Kids Association. Real quick. Sorry, Matt. Really quick. We didn't have ASO or AY. So what is the age range there? Oh, it's like all ages. They have like essentially up until high school. So there's like different groups. It's like Cub Scouts. Anyways, it wasn't Lincoln's fault. He played one game.

Both Marco and Grant got red cards and kicked out of the game. Oh, no! It's a kid tackle. It's a kid tackle, Lincoln. Grant went ape shit. Like, was going after the kid. Was like, whoa, this guy's intense. The dad got in. They got into a fight. Then Marco defended Grant, and they both got thrown out. And Lincoln just, they said, oh, just keep playing. But then, you know, out of a show of solidarity, Lincoln, like, kicked the ball really angrily and walked off with his dad. Yo, did he get red?

card for that? Yeah, he got kicked out. Dude's like, yo, get out of here. But it wasn't really his. The whole team. You're telling me that the ref handed out in a match three red cards, Matt? Yeah, just for the Lee Wilsons. Whoa. They're banned. It's a league record. So, you know, that's why Grant shoots people with snipers. He's got a temper. Ha ha ha!

Interesting pivot. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normally Lee Oaks, Wallace Garcia, Marlo Wilson, the unworthy. Oh, yes, we're still married. Yeah, it's still going on. Is that what being married's like? You're just like, wow, I'm so married. Every day. Still you, huh? Woo! Fun fact about Normal this week. I want to talk about Normal's cool piece of jewelry he's been wearing.

this entire time. Okay. When he was a little kid, his grandmother, Mercedes O. Garcia, she's kind of low-key psychic and she had this intuition and she gave him for his sixth birthday this beautiful, way too expensive for a kid, diamond-encrusted piece of jewelry and she was like, wear this on you always and it'll save a life someday.

And he always was like, all right, I guess. Weird, whatever, Grandma. Amazingly, he's never lost it. His parents were like, all right, this is a big responsibility. But he kept it on every day. It was real smelly. He never washed it. And then finally, very recently, he realized what it was for when he realized that it was worth exactly 300 gold pieces and it's made of diamonds and it's the component you need to cast the spell Revivify. That's what she was selling him all those years ago.

those years ago and he used it on Brad Schmeg and he doesn't have it anymore and he can't craft Revivify on anyone. Oh, shit. Yeah. I cannot thank you enough, Will. Also, second dad fact, Normal's voice is already dropped before it dropped. It sounded like this. Mickey Mouse vibes. Oh, Mickey Mouse. Maybe if we do a flashback, you'll get even higher pitch Normal. Anthony, can I change my fact?

Sure. Because of the red card situation, they felt really bad. Grant gave Lincoln a diamond necklace that he's been wearing this entire time. It seemed like a soccer ball. It's like a diamond soccer ball. Sure. It costs 300 gold pieces. Roll investigation. You'll find out that shit is cubic zirconium. Okay.

No, he never he never wore it. It's just in his dresser at home. Okay. Okay. Okay. You have a dad fact power right now. Yeah. I hear what you're saying. And here it goes. I'm Beth May and I play Terry Marlowe. And she's a hardworking soccer star whose mom's her best friends. And fun fact.

Terry doesn't really like poetry. She's not read a lot. So reading that poem was really interesting. She didn't really get it. But her favorite poem is by Shel Silverstein. Nice, nice. It's called Monsters I've Met.

I met a ghost, but he didn't want my head. He only wanted to know the way to Denver. I met a devil, but he didn't want my soul. He only wanted to borrow my bike a while. I met a vampire, but he didn't want my blood. He only wanted two nickels for a dime. I keep meeting all the right people at all the wrong times.

Terry just thinks that's so cute how the monsters weren't monsters when she met them. So, I mean, whoever met them, not that she would ever meet a monster. The end. Wow, that's super poignant. That's great. Yeah, that's great. Could have used that necklace. Oh, yeah. And then she also has. And how much does she like that poem? Like if it was expressed in an object she maybe owns. By the way, fun fact, did you know that one gold piece translates to 490 US dollars? Jesus, really? Yeah. Wow.

That's like a PS5. You can find one. A PS5 is more valuable than gold these days. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. Hey, papa. Something occurred to me like three to four months ago. I don't know how it happened. I think it was just Gen Z just doing it.

But like, I heard a lot more 9-11 jokes starting about three or four months ago. And I don't know emotionally what to do with that. But I can guarantee you that as a bunch of millennials, we're not Gen Z. We have more of a connection to that event. I can guarantee you we will do no more than five 9-11 jokes in any given episode. God.

I just want you to know that you are safe. Yeah, I did hear a really good one. Nice shirt, Beth. Ring ring. 2001's calling. Hello? Oh, God. So here's an alternate dad fact. This is Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey, Dad. This is my second recording because my first dad fact was about 9-11.

The episode that we just finished doing saw you trying to go get an anchor from what apparently was a Papa John's headquarters building. In your attempts to go get it, you inadvertently sort of walked backwards into the prophecy that Terry Sr. saw...

Terry Jr., I guess, saw in the die another day item that showed him how he was going to die. And it happened. He got shot in the back of the head by Grant, the sniper who you saw had a cuff around his neck, forcing him to do something that he didn't want to do. He is now dead in front of

Terry and the Black Parade was rushing up to fight Terry because they thought that something had happened to their leader. The geography wise, it's Taylor and Link are down on the bottom because you tried to do a jumping backflip with a front parachute flip. Sorry, with a parachute. You ended up landing 130 feet below. Yes, you're 130 feet below the base of the building that is overlooking this Papa John's building. And at the top of the building are Terry's corpse, Terry's

Marlo, and normally Squallzo Garcia and the rest of your last names. And Hermie. And then Hermie. And so the Black Parade is currently going up the stairs. Yes, they are currently at the top of the stairs. You are basically in a fight with them. You briefly distracted them by like sending some water down their way or something along those lines of previous fight. And Terry Jr. was their new leader for three seconds. Yes, for three seconds because he was so sad. So Taylor and Link didn't see this at all. I think you heard the gunshot. You just heard a gunshot, but it's like a hundred, I mean.

You guys are busy right now because you're getting 13 stories of emo kids. I'm just saying, like, I see a big building next to us. Like people could be killing each other right now and I wouldn't see it. So like we're not seeing it. OK, plus I got a bug in my mouth. Yes. So this guy you just met that you don't know very well is now dead in front of you. Terry, how do you react to that? What are the vibes? Terry walks to the edge of the building and looks down to where she can see Link and Taylor. And she says, OK.

okay guys we've got a really bad situation oh god um what's going on terry so the guy mr sampler jr is well like he's okay here's the thing let's all turn out our pockets and see if we can solve this is important we all need to turn out our pockets and see if we can solve the problem what's the problem well that he's dead what terry's dead dude he got shot

Terry feels like, you know that feeling when you go to bed and you think you might be getting sick or something like that? She feels like that kind of feeling in her throat. She doesn't know where it's coming from. Like a tickle? A tickle. A scratch. Are we surrounded by them or can we start trying to run up the stairs even though we'll end up meeting... You're surrounded by them but you can push your way through them like a mosh pit. We can start throwing bows, bro. Yeah, you can start throwing elbows. Yeah, I mean, Link, the moment you say he's shot, Link wants to push to the crowd and try to get up there. And Taylor just grabs onto the back of your collar and you are clearing out in front while he's...

front while he goes just like without like you are legless and I am the horse and I'm running and you just like wrap up my neck and get onto a piggyback ride. Why don't you give me a strength check? 18. Okay, great. So yeah, you managed to elbow your way past the sad boys and sad girls. Our style is what we're doing. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. That's like the beginning of our, our,

So you are ascending the staircase with some degree of speed. So what are you doing, Terry? Something about turning out your pockets? Yeah, she looks in her pockets and she finds this hat. This like it looks like a stocking, but it's a hat. It's like an old timey like

Like a honk shoe, honk shoe. Yeah, like a Scrooge hat. I think she puts it on just to have her hands clear so she could keep looking in her pocket. She instantly falls asleep and falls to the ground. Crumples. In your mind palace, in your mindscape, suddenly Terry finds herself across from a handsome older man who's like, hey, what's up? You're asleep right now? Was it you okay? Is everything okay?

Terry feels like she's woken up from a coma or something. No, not Terry. Scary. Feels like she's woken up from the worst hungover sleep ever. Feels like she's coming back into being after like just being gone for a really, really long time. So yeah, he goes, there's my girl. What's up? What just happened?

I think something bad just happened. Not to you though, right? What? I was not to you. I was very specific about nothing bad happened to you. Yes? No? Yes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was wondering if you could, you know, they got the point. They were scared, right? So like, just wake them up.

Wake who up? Wake what up? You know, fucking Terry. Just, you know, just wake him up and just like we got the point. So what happened to Terry? Oh, yeah. Maybe you didn't know or you must have known because you put those collars on. Yeah, I just put a collar on Grant that said stop all of them except for scary. What did he do? He killed Terry. Whoa.

Oh, shit. Yeah. That's fucked up. I know, I know, I know. Yeah, so if you could just... I mean, if you could just...

Uh, yeah, I know it's like, you know, I hated him or whatever, but I... Yeah, he sucked. He was kind of a waste of time. But if you could just wake him up, that would be... Then I'll go back and I will... I'll get the anchor for you. Oh, like revive. Oh, you're... Oh, okay, yeah. Sometimes this happens with people where it's like, I don't care. And then they die. You're like, no, I care. Well, no, I mean, it's not like I care. It's like... Oh, good. Okay. Yeah, that would be embarrassing for you. Yeah, you know what? Why don't you come on back?

Just go to Grant. He'll bring you back to me and then I'll revive him. No problem. Bring Terry to Grant? No, you leave Terry where he is. I'll get to him eventually. But yeah, no, just head to Grant and then we can come back. Grant and Lark and Sparrow are going to get the last anchor and then you can come back with them.

And then once we're done, you know, dealing with the doodler, I can go back and revive because I'll have all the doodlers powers and stuff like that. So I can go back and I can revive them and I can make sure your friends are safe or whatever. But yeah, just ditch them and go to the adults. Okay. And you're, I don't know why I would think this, but you're not, you're not trying to trick me or anything, right? Would you like to roll insight?

19. He is lying to you. He has no interest in bringing back Terry or doing any of that once he has the power that he wants. So sure. I'll why can't you do it now? Because there's a lot at stake right now. I know. And I, you know, I've done a lot for you, man.

I've been like, you know, your good little soldier and I haven't gotten a ton in return sometimes. You haven't gotten a ton. Oh, this is fun. That's really funny that you actually say that because I was thinking that you haven't done fucking shit while you've been in my protection because I've kept you safe this whole time. And what did you do? Well, I am the one who killed the first anchor. So go me, the one point for me. And then the second and third anchors

You, what? What happened with those? Nothing? You didn't manage to destroy them the way that we were supposed to destroy them? So you kind of just sat on your fucking hands and let the other ding-dongs sort of handle everything? So that's sort of minus a couple points to you. So honestly, the fact that we're even having this conversation, you're welcome. I'm going to keep you safe for whatever happens with the doodler, and I'm going to keep you safe from those idiots who keep getting you into trouble. So if you ever want to talk to me like that again, go ahead and consider the ramifications of what's going through your mind and out of your mouth.

So I'll just give you that and we'll call that a final warning. Final warning. Okay. Well, I'm warning you that if you don't bring Terry back, I won't be doing anything for you anymore. Roll either persuasion or intimidation, whichever you would like.

I have a plus seven to intimidation, but I got a four. So with an 11, I'll have him roll for insight. He got a four. What a loser. These two kids just can't understand each other. His eyes get a little bit big and he believes you. He truly believes for the first time that unless he does something for you, you will actually not help him. And he scratches his salt and pepper beard and he goes, I don't have to be nice about this, you know?

I've been really nice. Ask anybody. I'm a nice guy. Ask Taylor's mom. I'm a nice guy. I don't have to be nice about this. Okay, if you wanted, I could just go there right now, grab you by the scruff of the fucking neck and throw you in front of the doodler. And then we could get this done either way. Now, if you want to be a little shit about it, then sure, you can whine and complain and then eventually you'll end up doing what I want anyway. But I would prefer for things to go by a lot more gracefully and a lot more friendly than they have been. So this is going to be the way things go.

You're going to take off this hat. You're not going to put it on again. We have nothing to say to each other until you're back in front of me in person. You're going to go to Grant, Lark, and Sparrow. You're going to help them destroy the last anchor, and then you're going to come back to the Forgotten Realms with them. Cool? Cool. And he snaps his fingers, and you wake up. You're going to...

Normal is frantically over Terry's body, freaking out, trying to do anything he can to fix this. Just like, fuck, fuck, guys, come on. Come on. So even the Black Parade near you is taken aback by what just happened and they're freaking out because they didn't expect something that violent to happen. So the ones near you are...

no longer trying to struggle to do anything with scary or terry they're just sort of standing there fuck i can fix this i need what diamonds give me diamonds i'm not fucking getting around i had a thing and i used it and i don't i don't have it anymore we just we can do something about this normal i don't think you can do anything man i mean this is what i wanted right what this is what i this is what i said no but come on scary that's not that's okay it's okay it's okay we're gonna it's all gonna be fine it's gonna be fine like we can figure this out um

I can't remember if I said anything to him. Normal, like, has his hands on Scary, and I just look to... Are we up there yet? Grant, coming up the stairs. Help! Help! Well, we come in. I mean, I'm going to run over, and I look, and I guess I see Terry on the ground. Yes. If any of you would like to roll Perception with disadvantage. Yeah, I'm going to take... I'll roll that. Yeah, I'm going to take a moment to look. Five.

You cannot take your eyes away from the body. I got an 18, by the way. Ooh, an 18. Okay. I got a 21 on perception after looking at the body and looking around to see where it came from. So normal and link, you see movement from the other roof where the gunshot came out from. And you see a zip line get shot out of a gun towards the Papa John's building. And-

The same man twice gets on the zip line and heads down, followed by what looks to be Grant with a sniper rifle slung over his back. And they start descending into the Papa John's. Does Grant look or anything? Is there any? Have you ever looked at somebody who looks like they're trying very hard not to look at you? He's got that look. That's what you look like all the time when I'm looking at you.

Yeah, there's the fact that you can use for the dad fact. So my dad fact is not once in the three years of recording this. Have I ever looked anyone in the eye while we were talking? No, not once. It's very comforting. I don't know how to do it. It's easy for me to focus not looking at people. I lean down to scary real quick. Scary. Yeah, it's

Okay, here. I turn her away from the body. I go, we have to move. I don't know. You've been somebody else. I don't know why I can't be her again. We'll figure that out. You are her. And as her, you said you loved your dad. And I know you did. And he knew it too. But that's not changing anything right now. We have to get out of here. Okay. Can I just have like...

I don't really care, but can I have like five more minutes? Yeah. Okay. Normal. Just everybody block the door. Hermie, like stop them from coming up. Not a problem. Not a problem. And he runs down and you can hear the sound of him doing his best scary impression. Basically telling everybody to chill and that it would be the most emo and the most deep and dark if they could just stay in the stairwell and not do anything for a little while. Scary stands up and stops looking at Terry. She closed her eyes. She's like, stop caring. Stop caring.

Whoa! Shit, what?

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo! Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? I love you, Dad!

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See if you can hang on to him as he tucks and rolls. 10 plus 3, 13. Okay. So you dexterously jump off of him and land next to him and he stops and he looks at you. His eyes meet yours and for a second he looks like he's about to say something and then he averts his gaze immediately. Okay.

And you can see that there were a lot of things that Willie was lying about, but he was not lying about what was on his collar. The thing on his collar just says, stop all of them except for Scary. And real quick, just to clarify, we don't know what the anchor is here. We just know where it is. Yeah, you just know it's here somewhere. Normal might know with an arcana roll, like exactly what you're looking for. When I see you though, I scream out over the buildings. I go, Scary, no, he's dangerous. Get away from him. He's not going to hurt me. What?

He's not going to hear me. I can't hear. She said something, Link. I don't know. She said really far, guys. He's got to go. We got to go, guys. We're back into the comedy podcast. And we mobilize. Okay. Meanwhile. So he goes, what are you doing here? I'm

I need the anchor. So do we. That's what we're here for. Yeah, you're doing a really great job. You just fucking killed somebody. I'm not happy. I didn't know that's what I would do. I didn't think I would do that. I thought I would just use my words or something. Scary punches him in the face. Okay. Oh, I didn't know I was going to do that either. Oh, weird. That's great. Roll damage.

The 13, they're just running down the stairs like, oh God, I hope he doesn't hurt her. Oh gosh. In the staircase, Taylor's like, I just came down, now we're up, now we're down, pick one. Slowly you're beginning to understand the appeal of the up-down machine. That's one damage, I guess. Yeah. Okay. It's fine. That's enough to fucking surprise him and wake him up and he looks gobsmacked because I guess he just literally was gobsmacked. He was godsmacked? He's godsmacked. Yeah. So you punch him right in the fucking face. He recoils for a second, more in shock than in pain. And you go, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean, I'm sorry. What was your plan to get the anchor? We were going to come in here and kill Papa John and take it out of his heart. Cool. That sounds like a good plan. Let's do it. Okay. Lark says, what we're looking for is downstairs in the center of the building, in the heart of the building. Anything that's bigger than you made of cheese, you take it down. Are you sure you want her to come with us? What do you want? And Grant looks at you and he goes, I feel like this is your call. I don't care.

Let's do it. Okay, great. Yeah, she's coming with us. And Lark goes, okay, and tosses you a shotgun. Cool. He takes it off his back, tosses it to you. And Sparrow's like, I don't know if that's the... We'll bring up the rear, okay? And Sparrow goes back with you as Lark kicks open the door and you just hear a lot of gunfire on the other side and the sound of large sentient slices of pizza being knocked down. Really fucked up the tone of this season, didn't I? Really made some decisions that...

I would go back and change now. But yeah, you hear gunfire. And the thudding of mozzarella getting hit by bullets. Of marinara hitting the ground. Yeah, so Sparrow goes like, we could just stay here actually while they handle it. Usually Lark is pretty good at this stuff if you want to just chill here. I don't think they're going to need us that badly. And he tries to close the door behind. No, I think we should go.

Okay. I think we should do this after you. Go ahead. Okay. And so he opens the door and like still looking over his shoulder at you kind of walks out.

and takes out a little pistol, just sort of holds it at his side. The path forward has been carved through pretty handily by Grant and Lark. Now the rest of the group, what are you all- We're climbing up Mount Doom. Great. On our own separate adventure. Okay. Where are we at with the Black Parade? The Black Parade are all stunned into silence by either watching the violence that just happened or Hermia's scary telling them to stop.

what they're doing. So they are no longer an issue. And I saw where, I mean, yeah, I guess it's just how long does it take us to get there? Because if I was watching Grant, I saw where she went. So we're just running towards there. You're running towards the building. As you run towards, that's where I'm running. As we're running, normal gets a glance back at the black parade and he skids to a hall and says, wait, guys,

And I turn back to the Black Parade, and I say, look at you! Look what happened to your leader! Join us! Get in there and kick some pizza ass! Go ahead and roll persuasion with advantage. I got a 19. Wow, okay, with a 19. Oh, plus five. Oh, wow, okay, so with a 24, they look down at the corpse of their erstwhile leader, who was leader for about 15 seconds, and they go, when you think about it, there's nothing more dark and metal than dying really suddenly. So, like...

We should definitely follow his example. We should go into battle. He would want you to carry on. Nice. Nice. Yeah. Fuck it. Fuck it. Yeah, let's do it. Got emos. Fucking go, I guess. And they're like, I guess. And then the mass of the Black Parade starts marching towards. Now, technically, does this make normal the leader of the beaten, the broken and the damned as I lead them? I would say at this point, scary is probably the beaten, broken and the damned.

they're the fanboys of the beaten broken and just to clarify we know the anchors in this building yes you know the anchors in this building uh normally if you'd like to roll arcana yes i got a nine on arcana okay so you can feel that the anchor you're searching for is in the marinara strewn heart of this building that in the center of the building it's a panic room equidistant from you and the other faction trying to get the building is a panic room and inside yeah i love a panic

It's a pizza panic ball pit. It's a brick oven panic room. Yeah, it's a brick oven panic room filled with balls. Yeah, it's a cask of Amontillado panic room and inside Papa John has possession of this anchor somehow. I like the thing that he's counting slices of pepperoni like money. That's fun. It's like,

Meaty slaps. The ladies in pizza bras just like to make sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta get my cut. Don't take any home. He smells everyone on the way out. Yeah, he gives everybody good ones over when they leave. Funny podcast. Okay, you make it to the front doors. How do you want to use the black braid? Do you want them to head in with you before you? Do you want to like...

have them all rush in and in the confusion in the melee try to sprint your way out. Just go right behind them. Oh, no. Normal's berserker raid. Normal's like fucking Aragorn charging at the Legion of Mount Doom right now. Normal uses them as shields just right behind them. Right behind them. Run behind them like ambulance chasing. I'm pissed, boys!

And normal tears streaming from his face charges brazenly through the front door with the army right at his back. I cast protection from evil and good. Normal. Essentially, he's protected from. Celestial's elementals, I would argue that all the pizza. Pizza elementals. I'm going to gesture to Hermie. Okay. Hermie. Yes. Crazy shit went down. If I give you a signal, you rally anyone you can get and burn this building to the ground.

With you in it? I won't be in it if my plane... Well, I guess, yeah, if I saw your signal, I would be able to tell whether you were in it or not. There's going to be a... Jesus. It's really important to me that you're still on my back, so you, like, turn around and I'm running and you're having this conversation right behind me as Hermes is running behind me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm reverse straddling against the back of you. If

If you just wait for my signal, OK? Yes, I will take a contingent of the Black Parade to set fire to the outside of this building. There's something in your DNA that makes you think that setting fire to large groups of people is always going to be a good plan. So let's see if it actually works this time. Yes, happily. Oh, it's Hermes DNA, too. So Hermes also thinks it's a good idea. Oh, yeah, I guess they're related. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I love this idea. He stops him before he even finishes the sentence. He just goes, fire. Set fire, yeah. Set fire, no problem. So he takes about 20 of the Black Parade and they start running. The most arsony looking motherfucker.

Yeah, so the most arson-y looking burned-ass motherfuckers and starts finding kindling and gasoline and other things that they can use to surround the building with. And so Hermie and that group are now off-screen doing that until the time comes. You're welcome, Anthony. Thank you. So you bust your way into the bottom floor of the Papa John's building and you immediately come upon what looks to be about a dozen piece of soldiers. They're backs to you because they are heading upstairs following the sound of gunfire. So you actually have them at a disadvantage.

So in the surprise round, what would you like to do normal? Because you're the first one through the door. Normal just looks to the fucking army behind me and says, slaughter them. Whoa. That's great. Somewhere a few stores up, Lark is like, huh.

that felt good so why do i why do i feel good somehow and sparrow's like oh no yeah i'm gonna cast flame strike which is the new fifth level spell it guy um a vertical column of divine fire roars down from the heavens in a location you specify every creature in a 10 foot radius 40 foot high cylinder centered on a point must make a dexterity saving throw a creature takes 46 fire damage and 46 radiant damage on a field throw or half as much so i'm just gonna aim at the heart of the

pizza guys and fucking roast them so yeah there were a dozen of them this is gonna get let's say seven of them okay i love that you could absolutely do this you know like when pikachu does the lightning bolt and it comes out from the top it comes out from the top it's like better hope there's not a roof above yeah no you're definitely gonna get the second floor as well 40 feet up so here we go failed save failed save failed save failed save save

Failed save. Who's that guy? That guy's a fucking champ. That guy's fucking cool, man. So everybody except for one guy who dives out of the way in time takes 46 radiant damage, you said? 46 fire and 46 radiant. Jesus! I got 11 flame and 15 radiant damage. Wow, okay. 26 damage. 26 damage each.

You watch as six pizza soldiers are burnt to a crisp in front of you, like the worst, burnt, most blackened pizza you've ever seen. It just happens right in front of you. Some of you are little Caesars. Yeah, they just curl up in front of you in these blackened husks and they fall down. Got some cotton readies here. Freddie, what's the zone of darkness or whatever you have? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a clarification. Like, how does that spell work? I have a spell, Matthew. It's called...

- Darkness. - Okay, what is that? - Magical darkness from a point I choose within range, fill a 15 foot radius sphere. - 'Cause I have a spell that stops you from being blind, so I guess that doesn't count if I-- - Nah, darkness and blindness are two different things. - I like the combinatorics though, so let's say that works. - You just had a fun idea, I don't wanna tell you no. - I just want him to cast his own of darkness 'cause he's on my back, and then I'll touch him and make him non-blind so he could see, so then we're just running, I just wanna sprint as quickly as I can to the center of the building. I don't wanna fight anything. - I like that combo, that's fun. - Okay. - So even though it doesn't make sense, and I know it's not correct,

We're still going to do it. Nice. Communicate to me, my stallion. Go dark. Go dark. Bravo 6 going dark. And I go, and I cast. With your mouth, you make that noise. Yes, of course. You're not telling me that SEAL Team 6 has never. I was on SEAL Team 6. You know what I'm saying? Once, I would be like, hey, guys, we're going dark. I would press the button and I'll go, and I cast darkness. Okay, cool. And I center it on.

on Lincoln's head. Okay, cool. So you have a moving sphere of darkness. And when it says you touch a creature, can I touch myself? Yeah. Okay, so then I can touch Lester. I thought Lincoln was Caswell.

You will go to hell now when you die. It doesn't matter if you've been baptized or not. I'm going to use my spell. So I'm going to cast lesser restoration. So I'm no longer blind, which is the way the DM says the spell can work. Yes. And so now I can see through this orb of darkness. Yeah. Your fucking eyes go white. You're immediately blinded by all of the burning pizza.

That's fucking throwing light up into your night vision. But I run 30 feet per second. Ooh, okay. So I sprint. And as I run past, you can't hear anything though, because Taylor is like, what?

I run past normal and I go, hold them back, brother. Hold what? Who? What? Are you fighting? You're fighting. So I'm sprinting. I'm just sprinting past the fight. I don't want to get in this whole fight. I'm sprinting past the fight. That's great. Yeah. And I think with the surrounded by the- I want to go through like 20 rounds of combat to all these pizza guys. Yeah. I think since you're also surrounded by darkness. I'm sprinting up the staircase. Yeah. You don't have to take a tax opportunity. I see. Okay. I got you.

I get it. There are five floors to this building. You have sprinted up to the second floor. Meanwhile, the pizza that dove out of the way is watching this sphere of darkness move away. He goes like, I wonder if there's something in the middle of that. Papa John's like on his security camera and he just sees this like orb of black. Yeah.

He's like, what's coming? Yeah, he's just screaming at his fucking staff. You're on the first floor. Lincoln and Taylor just ran up to the second floor. All the adults and Scary are now on the fourth floor. And you can sense that the baddie is on the third floor floor. Papa John and the anchor on the third floor.

Scary, Wark, Sparrow, and Grant are murdering their way down through several puzzles that I had set up. They're so smart. They shoot it. That trick actually works in escape rooms too, by the way. You just start breaking things. You can win any escape room with a gun.

Sparrow's like, hey, just while they're doing all that, I just wanted to just sort of check in emotionally with you and see where you're at, Scary. Because I know that you didn't have the best relationship with your stepfather, but he loved you a lot. And I know that that can have an effect. Shut up. Okay, shutting up. Or I guess, I don't care. Like, tell me something about him then. Oh, well. Because you knew him, right? I did. I did. I knew him pretty well.

Not that this matters, but he couldn't have kids. So when he met your mom, he I and Grant were the only ones who really kept talking. Lark and Nikki sort of fell out of our group. And we were on a group chat and stuff. And he was talking about how how excited he was to meet somebody and how you seemed like a really smart young woman. And he was hoping that he could win you over eventually. And he reminded him of the relationship he had with his own stepdad.

a friend of mine named Ron, who I think died. It's unclear. He may have died. But yeah, you just said you reminded him of him when he was he was younger, which I think was more or less a good thing. He was a good guy. I've known him since he was a kid. Like we were kids together. And well, it's a long story. Cool. I don't think I want to hear anymore. Okay. We don't have to. That's fine.

Do you want to maybe close your eyes for this next part? There's just going to be a lot more violence. No, I'm down for the violence. I'm down with the sickness. Okay. Let the poppers hit the floor.

Is that something? Never mind. All right. So we go back to the other group. Are we going to do a whole scene with just Hermie and all the other ones? Just Hermie and the ones outside? Okay, everybody. Get the most flammable things you can find. No, that's propane. That's not flammable. That's different. Hey, why are we listening to this guy? I'm so sad all the time. Why are we even doing this? Should we just go? No. No.

You know what would be the most meaningless and not caring thing is burning it all down. Fuck it. It's like capitalism. Good idea. What a scene. The second floor is more baddies who fail to see you because you're within this big weird orb of darkness and they're freaking out. Yeah, Ligas is running full speed. He's like a magnet to Grant. That is all he is going towards. Yeah, they don't know what to do about the fact that a large orb of darkness is heading toward them. Some will probably take pot shots and they will...

Okay, one of them got a crit. Hits Taylor off of the back. That's fun, yeah. You get swatted off the back of... They call the SWAT team on me? They hit you with a pizza cutter, the flat end of a pizza cutter, and it separates you from Lincoln's back, and you fall out of the sphere of darkness, and now everybody is now looking at you, this human kid amongst a sea of pizza people. I roll athletics to fall into a blade pose. That's a natural one. One plus one, two. Okay, so...

Yeah, you fucking face first, right under your goddamn nose. You break your nose. And I look around the room. How many? There are 10 pizza soldiers. You look up and you see the big orb of darkness skid to a halt and then run back to you.

I swallow you up in darkness. Wait, wait, wait. This is how it goes. This is how it goes. This is how it goes. I go, you see me? I wipe the blood from my face and Teddick looks around like, channel one. And what was that? A pizza cutter? A most ignoble blade. Anyway, it should be a fair fight. Which one? And then at this point, I go...

And then they go, vroom. And then I'm just gone again, I guess. Okay, so now they know that the kid that they were going to fight is inside the orb. So now they're going to chase you. Okay. I look back on my shoulder. How much damage did I take from that pizza cutter, by the way? Oh, 2d12. I'm going to do lay on hands on you. I thought you were laying hands on yourself, bro. Bro!

That's nine damage that I suffered. Lincoln, what are you doing? I pick him up and I go, we're not done yet. What are you doing? Put me back. I had him. You never had me. You have your blade, right? Yes. I go, helicopter. Helicopter.

And as I'm running, I'm also gonna be spinning. I want you to hold your plate out and just spin. So this is a fucking swirling spiral. Yeah, that's a unstoppable move. This is Elisa Simpson whirling her arms motion. Like you can't look towards you. And if you get hit, it's your own fault. Yeah. And I'm going to knowing that now there's a chance of him getting hit. This is what I want to do. I pick up Taylor and I strap him to my back.

Like, so that he can't fall off. Like, he might die. He might fall limp dead behind me, but he's not falling off my back again. And I do lay on my hands, and then I'm going to start running again. Okay. So I'm assuming this turn we're essentially stopped in space because I had to turn around. Yes, that was your turn. And then as Taylor, like, spins around, he draws his anime blade, and he goes...

as strong as Black Blade and swordsmanship. This is why I'm the swordsman with no peer. And that's, of course, because he's spinning and it turns into Dracula Mihawk's insanely long sword from one piece. And this is, by the way, as you hear it, because it's spinning around, you're like, this is why I'm the best of the... LAUGHTER

Okay. So I healed you full, Freddy. I have like 24. Oh, no. How much? Because I'm actually pretty low. I healed you 12. Oh, great. I have 45 lay on hands per long rest. Okay, great. Okay, so it sounds like give me an attack roll with disadvantage, but if you succeed, you'll hit everybody around you. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh, well that first one's a 9 plus 5, 14. Okay. And the second one is also a 9 plus 5, 14. Oh, interesting. It's because he's spinning so fast. So their AC is 15. So you manage to get everybody to go like, whoa! And like step back and leap back as the whirling dervish. The sword is too long.

So the tip of it pokes out of this black sphere and was like, well, I can see it coming. It's like, here, there, it's coming. Oh, stay back. So you've made some space at the very least. Like, you've managed to clear the path for just you two, at least, to the staircase center. And then I whisper to Link, I go, Link, this blade is so sharp, I don't even feel the bodies of the enemies I am slaying.

And I can see, so I see that he's not hitting anybody. And I'm just like, how many bodies lay at our feet, my friend? Like corn, you're harvesting corn, my friend. And you see they're falling like grains of wheat. And then Taylor emboldened grips the sword a little stronger. As the side of the stock sweeps through the corn. This pizza's falling like corn. I'm glad you can't see what I see.

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Okay, meanwhile, in the news of people who are actually doing a lot of violent work, we go down to normal. So normal, you've got four more of these dudes on the same floor as you. And there are a full 10 on the second floor that Taylor and Link are fighting through. Something has broken in normal and all of his rage is spilling out right now. Like all of the fucking shit that has been bottled up for him just fucking taken L after L. It's just it's all coming out and he's taking it out on these pizza guys. Can I ask something, William?

Not to bring up, you know, sore subjects, but does the fact that Lincoln Taylor just having a super rowdy time without you again, does that add to that part bottled up? That's one last bottle to shatter when things are ready to get real fucking rowdy is that his friends have bailed on him. They have their own fucking road trip without their friend doing a fucking cheer move, spinning each other around.

Oh my God, it's true. How many are still on the first floor? First floor still has four uncharted. Okay, what's the toughest looking one? So the toughest looking one is the one that dove. Prison rules, dog. The toughest looking one is the one that dove out of the way. He's like a stuffed crust pizza. He's like fucking so swole. Supreme. Yeah, he's supreme.

He's got vegetables. He's got every fucking topping on him. He looks like there's cheese in his crust. Normal shadow falls over stuffed crust pizza, and I'm going to cast fourth level inflict wounds on him. I don't say a fucking word. I just cast this spell. Oh, my God. So that's a 6d10 necrotic damage. Jesus Christ. That is a spicy meal. Oh, melee spell attack. I got to hit him first. That's fine. All right.

This would have been so cool. I got a 10. With the modifier, you got a 10. Yes. I rolled a three. Oh, okay. So I stand over him and I'm like, pizza, it's time to feel pain. And I fucking shoot at him and I inflict wounds on the ground next to him. And you see how fucking hardcore it would have been if I had it. It was a warning shot, dog. It was a warning shot, dog. It was a warning shot. And I try to pretend that it was a warning shot afterwards. And I say, run. Oh, that's good. Roll intimidation. Actually, no, I don't do that. Normal's too pissed. I just go, fuck. Fuck.

Never mind. Okay. That's your turn, I guess. Yeah. And then whatever the Black Parade is doing. All right. The Black Parade is going to just fall upon these remaining four guys, and they are going to just start stabbing the shit out of them. Eat them. Okay. I guess they can eat them if you want. I mean, you don't have to. You're a DM. No, I mean, that's cool. It just feels a little bit more...

A little more feral than a bunch of sad boys would do. Did they eat people? Wasn't the whole Black Parade episode where we were sneaking around? Didn't we watch them eat people? Oh, yeah, you did watch them eat people. I forgot about that. Eat people, not pizza? That's the whole fear. They have standards. Even cannibals won't eat Papa John's.

So yeah, they fall upon these dudes and start just stabbing away at them. And I'm going to have them roll as a group against the group of pizza boys down here. Wow. With relatively little difficulty, the black parade falls upon the four remaining pizza soldiers and just tears them the fuck apart. A live action movie of this would look so cool. Just a bunch of emos tearing up pizza. Just big walking pizzas and teenagers screaming fuck as they shoot spells. While this is going on, he's in real life. He just turns and walks up the stairs. People are like,

fucked it up so fucking stupid. And one of the emails is like, it's fine. Nobody saw it. All right. Sorry. Okay. So you all are on the same level. Now you're on level two and you link and Taylor are running towards the staircase to level three. Yep.

normal you have just gotten to the staircase level two so there are ten how dizzy are you like I was gonna say you're gonna have to roll a constitution if you want to keep doing it oh what if he does that ballerina move where it's like they whip their head around and they hold them when they hold their head to their neck or to their shoulder practices like soccer jukes so often though like spinning is not a problem I'll do your stupid constitution check for you get advantage because the soccer spinning that you

you do so much of. Soccer spinning? Yeah, spinning. 17 plus one. I don't need that advantage. I'm not even rolling. All right. 18. Right, not dizzy. Still not dizzy. So if you want to do that attack again, Freddy, with disadvantage. Yeah, I'm just running to the third floor. Okay, never mind that. He can attack while I'm running, I'm assuming. Because I'm just running past. You'll just hit fewer of the guys because you're near the exit. You know what I'm doing? I'm doing that butterfly move, you know what I'm talking about, where you go like over here. I'm doing the move right now, but it's like a figure eight. Mm-hmm.

You know what I'm saying? Like pretty much anytime you pick up a pool cue, you will do this move. Since I rolled okay on constitution, can we do this for our fight move or whatever as I'm running? As I'm spinning, I'm signaling him like a rhythm. I'm going swing, swing, swing. Cause I can see when he's about to hit somebody. Oh,

You're trying to just give him advantage on his like AC or something. It'll undo his disadvantage. Nice. Just tug on my toes. I'll just say, I'll just say that's the gayest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. I don't know how else to put it. I'm not saying that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's just objectively the gayest fucking thing I've ever heard.

I know when to soar these pizzas. Yeah, no, I was going to say, but no, I've been laughing, but Lucas to just focus on getting grants. Oh yeah. He's not talking or anything. So yes, he just nods when you say that. And as he spins, whenever he's, whenever he's crossing, cause he's like, you're strapped in and like your, your toes are like, your toes are like the arm, or like the arm rests on a Mac, you know, I was about to turn. Bro,

I was about to say, you're playing Virtua O.N. Remember that game with the two joysticks, Tom? As I spin, I just squeeze your toes. Just the gayest fucking mecca of all time. This little piggy went wee, wee, wee all the way home where his wife and family were murdered. You somehow managed to out-homoerotic Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Dude, it's like rat suey. We start getting so effective that your individual toes start doing different swipes. Dude! Like horizontal, vertical. Yeah, yeah. We power leveled.

level this specific movement, alright? So that now it's like literally he's playing my fucking big toe like a thumb stick on a PS5 controller. Your feet, these are like a split keyboard. Yeah, dude. Holy shit. He's fucking like toggling my little fucking piggy like he's playing, he's playing QWOP on my fucking toes right now. In my head, I'm just thinking like, just like FIFA. I'm just imagining their passes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Normal looks at this and sees it through the darkness somehow and says, everybody's falling in love with everybody else but me. And then I smash the wall and grab a fire axe and just start going to town on these fucking pizzas up here. Fucking great. You give me an attack, Normal, and then you give me an attack, Taylor. And then Normal, no advantage right there. No, no, you're... Mom, man! Mom, man, baby! Did you really? You threw 20, Mom, man! Oh my god!

"I'm a man, dog! Hell yeah! Yeah, baby!" "You have to walk in across the room and give me a high five!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "Beth, I'm so sorry." "If Link's dad didn't just kill somebody, Link would be enjoying this." "But Matt is enjoying this!" So you get to describe what happens. Both Freddie and Taylor's having the time of their life right now. So everything that you want to happen in that moment is what happens. You whirling dervish of homoeroticism and pizza. And video games. And video games.

So yeah. Secretly every male fancy. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Are you kidding? Sorting dudes with your bro. Normal sees this happen, right? Basically I break the thing open and get this fire ax out. And by the time I turn around, all the pizzas are dead because they just killed them and they're high-fiving with this move. And so I just dropped the ax on the ground and start crying. Yeah. That sounds about right. How long does the darkness last? Bro, the darkness lasts your whole life. If you fucking let it dog.

You should be bleeding the back brain. Yeah. Concentration up to 10 minutes. Wow. Okay, so you're still in the darkness, but yeah, I feel like normal definitely saw through this. Oh, he's hearing it. It's even worse because I'm imagining it. You're imagining it. All you're hearing is this like, hey, that was a little ticklish. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

No! He's not saying anything. And you just see like blood coming out of this black orb. Just like, yeah, the sound of a sword clash. Check out this move. Okay, this move will be when you do that one. God. The most perverse thing I've ever heard. So as Hermie is scurrying around with the other members of the Black Parade trying to find a bunch of flammable material with which they can torch this entire building if they need to, they are confronted by...

some of the backup that Papa John called for. It's all very dramatic and it looks like Hermes is about to get killed and the sword is about to come down. Oh shit, dog! And then suddenly, Nikki... Oh no, I care so much about this. I know. Nikki close on a parachute that he opened far too late, so much so that he missed every part of this episode and the previous episode. And the plummeting corpses of Steve-O and Rob Dyrdek. Yeah, that's what happened. Their plummeting ice cold corpses actually land on the pizza warrior that's about to kill Hermes and Nikki goes, what'd I miss?

And then Hermione goes, well, actually several things and explains it. Nikki goes, oh, that's really sad. I wouldn't have, if I'd known, I wouldn't have been so like flippant about it. Oh shit. I'm sorry. I'm going to text my son and just tell him how much I love him. I'm going to text my son real quick. Love you, son.

I'll do anything for you. He goes, Nicky, man, you're the fire starter. Surely you and me will find a way to burn this mother down. And Nicky goes, yeah, as long as it keeps me away from those fucking other ones. And he looks down at his stump of an arm. Both groups managed to make it to the third floor at more or less the same time. The third floor is pretty much entirely devoid of people, save for a single room in the center that is surrounded by walls of meat.

And you can see a small sign that says vegans only. And inside you can sense that Papa John is waiting, petrified, calling for reinforcements.

Scary and Lark and Sparrow and Grant come down the stairs and meet eyes with Normal and Link and Taylor. Well, actually, they just see a big black sphere. Sorry. They see a big black sphere and behind it a crying Normal. And Sparrow goes, are you okay? What's going on? I'm fine, Dad. I'm fine. No, I'm not fine. What the hell do you think's going on? Fair enough. Yeah. Okay.

I rub Taylor's feet to make him sheathe his sword. That's the control sign. You like stroke across the flat of his foot. Oh, God. And I just... And then from the inside of the Black Spirit, you hear like a... And then a bunch of like pizza marinara sauce like flies out. You see it come off to the side. It goes...

Like it's the full on proper blade. This podcast might be the only thing without a visual component to end up on WikiFeed.

We decloak at this point, right? No, I run. I toss you off my back and I run straight to Grant and I'm going to punch him in the face. Wow. Okay, cool. Give me an attack roll. I only get a 10. You throw a punch at him and he catches your hand out of the air. He goes, that's enough. It's over. It's time to go home. No, you, what's the point of protecting me if you kill all these people? I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It was an accident. I didn't know that's what would happen. Oh,

What did you think would happen? I don't know. I thought I would talk to you all and stop you that way. Was that before or after you shot Terry that you were going to do that? He shot Terry? Yeah, he shot Terry. Holy shit. It was before. That was my plan before. Look, I didn't want this to happen. Wait, your plan was to kill him? No, my plan was not to kill him. My plan was to stop you guys somehow. I don't know. It wasn't ever a choice I had. Willie got to us. He put the collars on us.

Aww.

Oh, poor Grant. Grant thinks he's the saddest, most depressed kid in the whole world. Yeah, you're not a kid anymore. You're a fucking adult. I know. Dad, that's great. You're broken. You want an explanation. That's your explanation. No, actually, when did I ask for an explanation? I don't want an explanation. You told me the first thing you said is like, I get it. But that's like, you had plenty of choices. This is a choice. You're broken. Okay.

But you did a mistake and you did that so you can leave now. Like you're making a choice right now. Stay here. Go. I don't want you here. We can do this on our own. I can't. The caller is not going to let me not stop you. Well, I'm not letting you stop me. So what are you going to do? You're going to kill me? Don't.

make me do this. I'm not making you do anything. Link. It's not my choice. It's the collar. That's bullshit. Look, we're going to go in here. I punch him again. Go ahead and roll. See if you can do it. 15 plus five. Ooh. Okay. That's going to definitely hit him. Go ahead and roll damage. That's just two. Cause I was just doing with my hands. Okay. Well, still pretty good. He again, recoils more in shock than in pain. And he is going to try to grab you by the shoulders. 18. Dexterity. Yeah. Roll dexterity. See if you can evade it.

Nope, that's an eight. So yeah, he grabs you by the shoulders and he holds you grappled. And he says, just let them do what they have to do. And he nods over to Largen Sparrow. As he's kind of gesturing and has his hands full, can Taylor come up from behind and like just belt him in the old jewels? Yeah, sure. So Taylor's going to wind up seeing his opportunity. I feel like you have advantage because he's... Turn around, yeah. From behind, Cobra Strike. Yes. Upward. Shoi Ruken, if you will. Yes, go for it. 12 plus 5, 17. Okay, that's going to hit him. Go ahead and roll damage.

You sure you can write into his beanbag? Unarmed strike is a two for sure. So it's two. Okay. But, you know, give me like, I mean, that's a debilitating strike. Yeah, that's bad enough that he loses his grip on his son and sort of doubles over in pain. And he goes, God damn it. Lark Sparrow, find a way to get in there. So there's a door before we're in. There's basically a big cube of meat that

That's a panic room with seemingly no doors and it says vegans only on the side I think I'm just gonna try to teleport in there because I can imagine what it's gonna be like I mean, I bet that's pretty risky, but yeah, I mean it'll be you and him alone But yeah, go for it. I'm going to do this without telling anybody that I'm doing it great So it just happens then so you just gone nobody even realizes you're gone there's a loud pop as you disappear in the air rushes in to fill the vacuum that you were just in and You pop into existence inside the meaty panic room of

Papa John and you can see Papa John is there with his veins hooked up to a bunch of different vats of cheese and he's looking at a bunch of screens and looking at the destruction of all of his pizza soldiers. All his franchises are screaming for scary. Yeah. Where'd she go? You know where she is though. You are in there with Papa John. It's just you and him and he goes, how did you get, you didn't even eat through the, who are you? I cast blight on him. Okay. What does blight do? Never.

Ooh. Ooh.

He got a natural one. Whoa, shit. That should mean, in my opinion, full damage on all eight. So 8d8 would be 64 damage. So he just takes 64 damage. And you see the needles that were filling his veins with hot cheese like, like explode out from his arms as his body contracts and gets drier and drier. And you see cracks as the moisture begins to leave his body and he begins to shrink up and shrivel up. And he goes, no, no, stop. Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you have a delivery to make or something? I take the shotgun. I shoot him. Oh, my God. OK, so you spray his face all over the interior of this room and he just fucking jerks for a second and then he stops moving and finishes off what was left of his health. Normal walks into the vegan only door because he's vegan. So it stops you because there's a bunch of meat there. Oh, but it says vegans only.

Yeah. It was a puzzle. Let me in. I'm vegan. It's like the club when they say, you know, cool people. Your stomach rumbles. You have to be beyond me. I barf up my stomach to prove that I'm vegan. There's no meat in there. See? The door remains closed. Dad, how do we get in there? A vegan has to eat their way through the meat. It was supposed to be an impossible door to go through because nobody who could eat their way through would still be vegan or something. It was trying to trap people in a paradox. So how are you going to get in? You're going to have to make a vegan eat all that meat. Pfft.

Again, before I knew that this is where Terry Jr. was going to die, this was a much funnier dungeon. It was a much more carefree kind of puzzle. Normal's like, all right. All right, I'll go. I'll do it. Spare's like, me too. Okay.

Here I go. So both of you are going to roll constitution to see if you can eat your way through this door. I got an 18 plus two 20. Wow. Okay. So yes, you take to that meat lovers pizza. Like you were born. You were a meat lover. Like you're a meat lover. Like every salad you ever ate before was merely a prelude to this moment where you truly get to be yourself and devour some good old fashioned flesh. Your dad makes a couple of bites in and then starts vomiting. And then it looks on in awe as you managed to bite a doorway size hole slowly and surely through there.

So by the time you have managed to open the door, you hear the gunshot as Scary blows away Papa John inside. I feel like what happens is, like, the gunshot goes off, and then I'm just like, hey. And you see, like, Normal has crawled through, like, sliming through this hole. Oh, good. You're here. How you doing? I'm fine. Okay. I'm sorry about your dad. He wasn't my... Yeah, it's fine. It's what I wanted. Right? Yeah. I, um...

Oh, scary. I'm so sorry. This is a really fucked up, crazy situation. I don't know what to say. I don't think there is anything you can say, but it sucks, and I get being angry. I mean, I'm pissed. It's fine. I just need the anchor, okay? Okay. Do you want me to help get it out? Yeah. All right, let's do it. So you can feel the anchor is a large garlic knot where his heart should be. Again, I cannot apologize enough.

Right now we have, I mean, just to remember the mechanics of. Yes, two of the anchors were broken with love. One was broken with hate. And this is the final anchor. And then do Grant and them care how it's broken? You can see the collars on Lark and Sparrow say, break it with hate. I pull it out and I'm like, you know, I, I've been trying to like, I don't know. It's scary. Just do what you want with it. I take it. Is there a hole in the meat door? Yeah, I got there.

Whoever can bring Terry Jr. back gets the anchor. Lark and Sparrow exchange glances with Grant, and they go, I'm real sorry, it doesn't work like that. Not anymore. It used to be able to revive people all the time, and it would end up more or less the way you wanted it to, but hell changed, and the afterlife's changed, and when someone's gone, we can't... Not the way that you would know him. I didn't really know him, though. So, you know, it's fine if he's not...

If he's not how he was, I didn't really know him. And I didn't tell him something. There's something I really wanted to tell him. You can tell him. I can help you tell him. We can send him a message if you want. Like I talked to Nikki or tried to talk to Nikki. I can't guarantee you'll say anything in response, but I can help you say whatever you want to say to him. I want him to... Well, okay. I want to say, sorry, you were infertile. That sucks. You would have made a really good...

I just want to say thank you for seeing me, I guess. Okay. All right, so yes, I cast Sending. Are you still holding the garlic knot? Mm-hmm. Link's going to walk up to Scary and hold his hand out for the garlic knot. And I'm just looking at you with tears in my eyes. Just take it. Just take it. Who cares? There's some things you can't get back, Scary. And I turn to look at Grant. It's not about what you just did now, Dad. It's all your choices.

You chose me. It wasn't some passion or just a kid. You chose me as your kid knowing you were broken. You can't take that back. And I love you and I hate that you made me love you when you are who you are and you knew it. And I hold up the garlic knot. I'll never stop loving you. You're my dad. And I break it. But I never want to see you again.

We got to pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today, for tomorrow makes day.

We got. Oh, not today. Just tomorrow. Dungeons and daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is normal. Oh, Beth may a scary Marlo and myself. Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is on my way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Asher Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin rap is our transcriber.

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Dude, my computer can't run Dungeons. And Dragons Beyond. It can do Dungeons or it can do Dragons. It cannot do both.