S2 Ep. 34 - Finding Tori
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Did I hear you're shopping for a car? Because I've been at it for ages. Such a time suck, right? Not really. I bought it on Carvana. Super convenient. Oh, then comes all the financing, research. Am I right? Well, you can, but I got pre-qualified for a Carvana auto loan in like two minutes. Yeah, but then all the number crunching and terms, right?

Nope. I saw real numbers as I shopped, found my dream car, and got it in a couple of days. Wait, like you already have it? Yep. Oh. Go to Carvana.com to finance your car the convenient way.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Hem. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kinds of stuff.

Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. We come to this place for magic. We come to goof around, to laugh, to prank, to scam. Because we need that, all of us. That shagadelic feeling we get when the Family Guy theme begins to play. And we turn into someone we've never been before.

Not just transformed, but somehow reborn. As Borat Pickle Rick and Austin Powers and Napoleon Dynamite. Dazzling images of Garfield on a small cell phone screen. Aristocrats jokes that I can smell. Somehow getting forced to do stand-up comedy for a complete stranger from Craigslist feels good in a place like this.

Our tight fives feel like the best parts of us and punchlines feel perfect and powerful because here they are.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four teens from our world sent into an alternate realm coming back to our world and rescuing everything from Eldritch Horror that haunts us. You'll notice that I have given our saga cell very specifically and concisely this week. No riffraff, no bullshit, because we have a guest with us. We'll get to that in a second. We have company. We have company. We have company, Fred. We are on our

best behavior. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the anime loving ranger teen who is currently inhabiting the role of Austin Powers in the Goose universe. So sort of many layers upon layers, masks upon masks. This week's Taylor Swift

Taylor fact. We've been tasked by Anthony, as you all know, for today's episode. Many of us in various states of nervous energy. The energy in the room is awful right now. It's so bad. It's completely fine. It's upsetting. It's wrong. The vibes may not be immaculate, but Taylor has nothing to worry about because

Taylor has gone to an anime convention and oftentimes you may know this anime conventions will have you know in between panels sometimes the rooms will do like a little like stand-up showcase or an open mic kind of thing and Taylor has done it many times and has plenty of material that slays that kills as the comedians say so he has not one drop nary a drop of sweat on his brow today Taylor's prepped and ready I'm not sure about the rest of us though

Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid who kept his identity last episode. So it's just old Lincoln. So you're just going to get raw Link for his stand-up bit. Little known fact about— Lincoln Wilson, raw. Raw. Yeah, that's his first album. Okay, so a little known fact about Lincoln. Just keep it nice and simple so we can get to the goofs.

Look, Lincoln's realistic. He knows deep down he's probably not going to be a Premier League soccer player. So he has thought about what he would do. Is he stand up? If he couldn't. No. If he couldn't become a Premier League soccer player. What would that be? Premier League soccer coach. Oh, yeah.

That's his backup plan. That's it. That's his backup plan. How many coaches are players, are former players? A lot of them. You usually have to be a pretty good soccer player to get into a coaching gig. Okay. Yeah. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Cambos. I play normal Oak, perky, peppy, chipper, cheery, school spirit, mascot kid who was turned into Borat with Pickle Rick on his shoulder in the last episode.

And so that's who I am at this moment. And in solidarity with the writers of the Writers Guild of America, I am refusing to cross the dad fact picket line this week. That's right. Union strong. I'm not going to scab like you two. No dad fact for Will this week. Wow. Wow. It might be over by the time this episode is over.

All because of you, Will. Good job. Just because I was me, you held in there. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks, not even like regular Scary, because Scary got turned into Napoleon Dynamite. And I should note, for those of you listening along at home, Beth has come fully dressed as Napoleon Dynamite.

Yeah, so we can take pictures of Beth doing her set with a costume and everything. You know, I see overnight shipping and I press yes, please. Beth has the wig, the glasses, the vote for Pedro shirt.

The whole works. Yeah. In fact, when Matt let her into the building, Matt mistook her for just a regular person dressed as Napoleon Dynamite. You run into those occasionally. You run into those people. And when I came into this room, I went, oh my God, it's my ex. Oh no. Okay. It's Napoleon Dynamite. Oh, it's Beth. What a ride. I can't believe Anthony dated Napoleon Dynamite.

holy dynamite. Yeah, I should have never let her go. Fun fact about Scary this week is that she's never watched her consumed comedy. Yeah.

If there was a blanket medium for misery that wasn't just heavy metal or poetry, like if there was a specific stand up, you know, kind of form called misery, she would be about that. But, you know, comedy is not it's not where she's at. I guess poetry is kind of stand up misery if you think about it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just sad stand up.

Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. And I want to explain context. I want to explain context both for you, the listener. If you missed last episode, you should probably go back and listen to the last episode. This is going to make no sense. I hope this is someone's first episode of the show. I got to say. If it's your first, get ready for it to be your last. If it's their first, they're gone. They heard Freddie say, I'm an anime teen who's Austin Powers now. Yeah. And he just turned off the podcast. But before I get into what we are doing this week,

Let me introduce our special guest, Tori. Tori, why don't you say hi and say, you know, where people can find you if you want people to find your social media and stuff. Hi, Tori. If that's what you want. Hi, Tori. Hi, Tori. Hi. I'm Tori Shaw, and I am really excited to play this game with you guys today. Oh, yeah. And I'm ready to have some fun.

To explain briefly and summarize what we're doing here today, the four teens in our little fantasy adventure went to a different world called the Goofs Realm. And the Goofs Realm is based entirely upon jokes and goofs and scams and stuff like that. So in order to survive the unearth-like atmosphere of Goofs Realm, they had to transform into things that were objectively funny in order to survive.

And so in this case, Freddie Taylor turned into Austin Powers. Will Norrell turned into Borat with Pickle Rick on his shoulders. And Beth Scarry turned into Napoleon Dynamite. You make it sound like we had a choice. Yeah. Well, you picked the cards randomly. We did not. We picked these cards at random and these horrible rules were foisted on us. And I watched Napoleon Dynamite yesterday for the first time in 15 years and objectively,

Objectively funny? Yeah. Objectively funny? The part where he goes, gosh, like, come on. How about me? Oh, yeah. And you decided that you would, instead of turning into something objectively funny, you would defend yourself with something objectively funny. So Link, Matt's character, has just been carrying around Garfield the movie on a loop on his phone, starring Bill Murray. So what happened at the end of last episode was that you met with Hermie the Unworthy, the character you came here to find.

And he challenged you to a stand-up competition. So as I said last week, the way that we were going to do a stand-up competition is to have somebody else judge it objectively. And the only way I could do that, because all of our friends already know us and know what we find funny and they would be too biased, I went onto Craigslist, made an offer for somebody to come out and check out our... Can you read the Craigslist post, actually? Because I think that for those of you who are not following us on social, this was an objectively funny Craigslist post. Oh, and also before we get into this,

Tori, quick question. You're familiar with Dungeons and Dragons, right? Yes. That's what we're doing. It's not going to matter that much. It doesn't matter. All right. So the Craigslist post was critique our stand-up comedy for money, DTLA. This job entails sitting in a chair for an hour and ranking on a 10-point scale five different comedians doing comedy sets of around five minutes in length. Your reactions will be recorded via audio for a podcast. Applicant must be fluent in English and ideally not know anything at all about Freddie Wong or the podcast Dungeons and Daddies. Do not Google it. So Tori, can I ask you,

What was your Craigslist browsing session? You know, like what was happening when you found that? Well, I'm a starving actor and I needed to do something other than Uber. And I needed to get myself out to L.A. and around creative people. So I saw the money. I saw the description. I said, I can do that. So.

And you've never heard of Freddie Wong. I have not. Good for you. We hadn't heard of Tori's favorite stand-up either. You know, I cheated. I Googled, but I didn't read much. I was just making sure. I'll tell you this, Tori. It specifically said don't Google. So I got some bad news for you.

I had to make sure it was a safe. That's fair. That's valid. That's everybody listening. If you're on Craigslist, you got to do that at least. In fact, if somebody says, don't Google me before me, you should Google. You taught everybody a good lesson today. And you don't need our apartment number. We'll just bring you up to the apartment. They never gave Tori the apartment number. I was like, just meet me outside.

I'm a short brown man wearing a suit jacket. Don't Google me. Meet me outside. I have to say this. I did prepare like my entire like thing. I was like, this is going to be a man that takes this job. Surely no woman would not Google a thing.

Would be crazy enough. But yeah, you were smart enough to Google it. And hell yeah. Okay, so women power. I'm excited you're here. I did prepare for if you were going to be a man. That's all good. It's all good. In my defense, I did ask some questions like, so how's parking there? Do I need to show up early? And can I see an Instagram?

and he responded to every question that I asked or I wouldn't have come out. That's good. Very wise. Very wise indeed. And you guys are awesome. Oh, thank you. I feel very safe. So far, wait till you hear us. I feel very safe. That's about to change, Tori. Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to roll a D5. I'm going to roll a D6 and then ignore the 6 to see who gets to go first in our stand-up session. Can we table set in character for a second? God.

God, if you want to. You guys are just such nervous Nellies that all you want to do is take this off. All I want to know is, Normal, who is trying to detect the anchor, do I sense the anchor in this room? Yes. Where is it? It's in Scam Likely's back pocket. Scam Likely has the anchor? Yes. Okay. But it's not like it is Scam Likely. We attack Scam Likely. It's longer than you.

Will it help if I put my sunglasses on? Because it's a little... You do whatever you want. Will it help you? Because it's a little bright in here and will it make you feel better? You might look too cool. Oh, shit. Too cool. No, you can put them on.

You can put them on. You can put them on if it's too bright here. Now I'm like an agent. Now I'm like intimidated. And Tori, while the stand's going on, you can feel free to comment, talk, heckle, laugh, not laugh. Whatever you want to do is all up for grabs for you. Take a smoke break. Yeah, honestly, yeah. If one of us was so bad, you just left. What a move that would be. Put it on my Instagram. Yeah.

Okay. Is that all the table setting you wanted? That was just what I wanted to know. Cool, cool. The anchor you were searching for is nearby. So the room you're in is a featureless black void with a single spotlight in the center. Just like the comedy store, am I right? The spotlight illuminates a stand-up mic with behind it a two-dimensional brick wall behind it. Like, if you look at it from the side, it's just not there, but if you look at it from the front, it is there.

Is there a stool? Yes, there is a stool. There's a bottle of water. There's some stuff you can do. There's a little stand. You can do whatever you need to do. It is a two drink minimum, unfortunately. Yep. Okay, so I'm going to roll a die and I'm going to go one, two, three, four, five, and

And we got a one. So Lincoln, it is your turn first. Go ahead. I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick, but you should keep going. Does Lincoln get an intro from like, who's emceeing this show? So this game likely goes, I guess I'm the emcee then. Okay. So what we're going to do is we're going to have a great time, Tori. Canonically, you're Tori in this game. And first up, it's the man with no plan. It's Lincoln Lee Wilson. Give them a round of applause, everybody. Yeah, hooray, hooray, yeah, yeah.

Wait, Normal, do you know what we're... What are we doing, Normal? What? So what's the deal with tight fives? Uh, what are you... It's five minutes of comedy, baby. Wait, what? You've got to do five minutes of comedy. You've got to make laugh. Sorry, I've never...

Hi, what's your name? Tori. Tori, you're not with Hermie or anything, right? Hermie? No. No. No. I'm sorry. I'm not really funny. I'm all my friends here. They've got they're gonna be the funny ones. They turned into funny people. I'm not though. But luckily for you, I do have the funniest movie. Me and my dad's watch this movie every day. So I just thought I'd show you some of the funniest parts of Garfield the movie. I love movies. Okay. Oh, wait, I gotta plug it. Hermie, do I plug it in?

Okay, I think I got a plug. Matt is sitting in front of our guest here with a laptop. Okay, it's pretty good music at the beginning. Let me cut to the fun. Let me get to the funny parts. I mean, honestly, the whole movie is pretty funny. Oh, so right here, I just want to say I have two dads and I'm adopted. And the beginning of this movie always makes me emotional because they have Garfield here who they got. Like, it's not their real kid, right? Because it's a cat. And anyways, I love it. It really makes me feel like my dad's.

So, I don't know how much you know about Garfield. Here, okay, he's a sleepy cat. Here we go. That's him. So, he says I hate Mondays a lot because he hates Mondays. We often watch the movie on Sundays and my dads, they go, oh, I feel that. Okay.

Sorry, how much time do I have? Oh, there's so much funny stuff in this movie. One second. I used to love Garfield, actually. Right? Yeah. The books were too hard for me to read, so my dad got me this movie, so I would... It was a cartoon, right? It was a... It was a cartoon? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to have to check that out. Okay, so here's... Oh, God. Garfield's such a mischievous little cat. Here's what he does. So that's supposed to be his friend, and he wants milk. But check this out.

he's not being nice here wait got milk

This is really good. How much time do I have left? I got a lot of moments here, but I don't want to explain the whole movie. If you haven't seen it, I don't want to ruin it. Honestly, I feel like I just ruined the movie. That's not very funny. I won't spoil the whole thing, but it means a lot to me because I'm an only kid and then Garfield, he adopts a dog and he gets jealous of him. So I'll just skip to the end here.

He saves his dog friend. Hit the floor. And then at the end, here we go. Oh, that wasn't very nice. No, this is really funny. He shoved the dog. You got it. Sorry, I spoiled that joke. Here we go. See, they're together now. Just one big happy family. Oh. Hit the floor. Psych. He doesn't want him. He pushed the dog again. He pushed the dog. Oh, I was just kidding, though. Psych. He got him again. Oh.

Okay. It's a nice movie. No, it's not. That's Garfield. Oh, man. Every time. Every time. They usually get ice cream after that movie. And then that's what me and my dads do every night. Well, not every night. Every Sunday night. So I hope that was funny for you. I really recommend. Oh, there's also a sequel, which is pretty good, too. It's about another cat. He's really rich in Britain. Like a bunch of rich cats. You know what they call it? That sounds very interesting. What? They're Rista cats.

Isn't there already a movie? It's a joke about the aristocrats. That's a... Okay, is that five minutes? That's good? Okay, thank you so much. Anyway, this is going to be really good. I just hope you like that movie. My friends are now going to do their type fives. Thank you so much. Yeah. I love movies, though. Anthony has come out of the bathroom wearing Joker makeup.

Okay, who's up next? Let me get a dime. Austin Powers, go ahead. You can do it, Taylor. Come on, Taylor. Yeah, right, Austin Powers. You're pretty good. I wish I was you, though. Yeah, baby. All right. What a groovy crowd we've got here today. Tori, so nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Well, I just got a little bit of comedy, a little bit of material for my act, which I'll tell you now.

You know Hayao Miyazaki, have you heard? Hayao Miyazaki did a harem anime. Not a lot of people know this. Do you know what an anime is? You've got a little bit of a befuddled look on your face. Let me back up for a second. Do you know what anime is? Yes.

Oh great, we're already off to a great start. Well do you know what a harem anime is? No. Very quickly, for those of you who don't know, a harem anime is an anime where the main character is surrounded by a bunch of love interests. I know what that's like as Austin Powers. Well, not a lot of people know. Now see, not a lot of people know this, but anyway, hi, I'm Miyazaki, beloved children's animation writer. He did a harem anime, not a lot of people know about this one. Little uncredited side project. You know what it was called?

It was called Pixar's Planes! And the main character was a talking fucker D7. LBA! It's a new Gundam movie coming out too. They're gonna do a prequel for this one. They're gonna show, for the first time,

In cinema anime history they're gonna show the RX-01! That's right, all the way back at the beginning. We're not talking about the 78. We're not talking about the 78 Mark II. The RX-01 turns out it's just a gun. One guy, probably Chinese, invents the gun, shoots it, another guy goes "Damn!" and he says "Gun? Damn! Wait a minute! I think we've got something here!" Animation used to be pretty crazy.

Lion King. Tori, have you seen The Lion King? I have. One of my favorite Disney movies. One of the most popular Disney movies ever made. Me, I have a lot of mixed feelings about The Lion King. A lot of mixed emotions. I think that movie sends a lot of mixed signals. Like when I saw it, I cried my eyes out when Mufasa died. I'm sure you did too. I'm not afraid to admit it. Trampled by a stampede of wildebeests.

terrifying. Now I don't have a dad because my mom raised me ever since I was a wee little lad all by herself and during that whole scene I was just thinking about my mom and what would happen if she died and what a scary world that would be if she was dead and she wasn't there for me to come for me to tuck me in tell me everything was all right. It scared me honestly honestly it did. I think everyone has the same experience with The Lion King is because The Lion King is the first movie that makes you really consider what it looks like if one of your parents dies. It's

It's also the first movie you see that makes you consider what it looks like when a female lion wants to fuck a male lion. Oh, shit. It's a lot of conflicting emotions for me. I think that's all the time I got. Is that right? Good job, Kelly. Is that all good? All right, very good. Thank you so much. You've been

Not the earliest reaction. Thank you so much, everybody. I knew my friends would kill it. Good job, Taylor. You did the best, man. Oh, thank you. That's so good. That means so much coming from you. Of course, I love that material's old hat, as they say. I realize I completely misunderstood the assignment. Yeah, all right. Boom, boom.

- Hey, very nice. - Scary, you got this. - We got this, baby. - You got this, Scary. - I'm gonna plug something in too. Gosh. - You got this. - Oh no. I knew it. - I knew it. - I'm Napoleon Dynamite, fricking obviously. Gosh. Saw Taylor's standup just now, that's pretty much the worst standup ever. Gosh. So five minutes, huh? Scientifically, not a lot you could do in five minutes. Kinda setting me up for failure. Gosh.

Guess if I had to spend five minutes with someone, I'd spend two minutes breaking their neck with my ninja skills. My neck-breaking ninja skills. And then three minutes enjoying the scenery. Hold for laughter. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to say that. How's everyone doing tonight? We're doing great. Yeah, just as crowd work here, so freaking go to work, crowd.

Looks more like crowd leisure. Like the opposite of working. What else? What else? I'm in the happy hands club. Gosh. That's actually not what it sounds like. It's not a jerk off club or anything like that. Although there is this one guy, Kevin Klaas, who's a major jerk and I want him off the club. So there's that.

What else? What else? You got this, girlie. The vet said we had to put down our llama, Tina. So I said, "Tina, you're not as good as other llamas." Gosh! Most people think it's pretty funny that I can't get a girlfriend even though I have like nunchucks skills. 'Cause I thought that girls only like guys with skills. It's like, gosh, isn't that just enough to make you a friggin' sexist?

My uncle Rico's a sexist. Here's my impression of him. Why does a woman wear white at her wedding? Why? The dishwasher should always match the stove and fridge. Oh, shit. You know when guys say that a woman belongs in the kitchen? How on earth is she going to clean the rest of the house from there? See, that's still me being Uncle Rico.

Sexes are bad. I'm done doing impressions of him. Want to hear my impression of Goofy? Yeah. Gorsh. My brother and I built a time machine. It doesn't work, but if it did, you know where I'd go? Where? Back in time so I could do some more sexist jokes. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

More crowd work. Friggin' Tori, like your shirt. - Thank you. - My friend Pedro ran for class president against a girl, Summer. I beat her on the dance floor, which is better than beating her for not doing the dishes. Oh, gotcha! That was Uncle Rico again. Gosh! And then I run off stage. - Wow! - Yeah.

That was quite funny, wasn't it? I don't know. That was quite funny. That's pretty mean. I'm pretty intimidated about following that act. I'm not going to lie, guys. All right, next up. The person who said they're intimidated has to follow that act. Oh, God. It's Borat with Pickle Rick on his shoulder, everybody. You got this, Normal. How we doing, everybody? You got this, Normal. So, Tori, are you familiar with Rick and Morty? A little. Good. Well, I'm the guy from Rick and Morty, but I'm a pickle. I turned into a pickle. It's from the funniest episode of the show. It's a pickle.

Borat. You know Borat from Glorious Benefit Make Kazakhstan, yes? Yes. Pickle Rick is here on my shoulder. You used theater of the mind to see both of us at the same time. Very nice. It's me, Pickle Rick. And my

my name is Borat and you know even though I'm a talking pickle and I am journalist from glorious nation of Kazakhstan deep inside we both of us have one thing common this trapped soul confused and terrified teenage boy that's right pickle Rick and it is not easy

being a teenager these days when your dad isn't proud of you and the boy you like betrays you and your friends are constantly fighting and your family is responsible for unleashing a chaos god that destroys the world. Yeah, you said it, Borat. And your sister is the chosen one and your mom is a centrist and your uncle is a gun nut and you have so much back knee that your back looks like one of those zoomed out pictures from the Hubble Space Telescope. Okay, Jesus Christ, Borat, to get it, we're a sad, miserable little boy.

But at least we got one thing to be thankful for. We don't go to Chaparral High School, am I right? Ooh, yeah. Screw Chaparral, man. Hey, Borat, how many Chaparral students does it take to screw in a light bulb? I do not know, pickle man. I don't know either, because I took math at Chaparral. What the fuck, Chaparral? What the fuck?

Hey, careful pickle man. There could be Chaparral student here tonight. Yeah. Relax. You got to be over 21 to get in here. That rules out most of the Chaparral senior class. You have to have a job now. You got to be honest with me.

You know, education system very different where I come from. In home village, school principal is three-legged goat. Gym teacher is herd of feral cats. How crazy. But our students very grateful. They say we are so lucky to be here. Most of us are transfer students from Chaparral. Red line.

Very nice. Hey, speaking of very nice, I gotta say the students at Chaparral are some of the nicest kids in all of San Dimas. That's...

No, no, really, Borat. I did a show at the Chaparral High School at their cafeteria, and let me tell you, that was the happiest crowd I've ever seen. Of course, they were happy burping pickle, man. You are the least disgusting vegetable their lunchroom has ever served. Great success. They're already dead. No, no, seriously, Chaparral ain't all that bad. One of their brightest bulbs is here on stage tonight. I gotta give it up for aspiring thespian Hermione Unworthy. Ow.

Thank you. And what is Hermie Unworthy of? An acting career for starters. He stinks. Tell me, where did this kid learn how to perform? Stella Adler or Smella Badler? P.U. That's a good one. I'm sensitive about that. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing, Pickle Man? Oh, relax, Bobo. I'm just roasting Hermie the Unworthy, or should I say the Uninteresting, since we're always forgetting he's here. Unworthy.

Oh, geez, no!

Oh boy, look, I just, it's a fun thing, it's a roast, you roast people that you like, and I like you, Hermie, okay, so it's just about everybody else, okay, we're on the same team, it's all fun. Taylor, hey, Taylor, how you doing?

Taylor, you're, you know, who's got pretty groovy baby. You've got less brain cells than your dad has limbs. Cause they all got cut off. Oh, normal. Isn't that funny? It's fun. It's fun guys. It's funny. You know, Link, Link wants to deal with you in scary man. Just stop pretending you don't like her. Just fuck already. Get over with. I do like her. I mean, I like you too. I like all of us. Huh?

Oh, you're okay, man. Okay, well, it's a good... It's a joke, Kirby. We're joking. We're just having fun. This is what people do when they like each other. Scary. Boy, you got so many issues. You're like a comic book store. You got so many issues up there. I bet your medicine cabinet at home looks like one of those big jelly bean jars you see at the fair. How many pills does she pop every day? Yeah, that works for both of them.

Well, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, everybody. That was my time. I really like you. And Taylor, you and your dad are going to hit it off. You're going to be great. I'm sorry, man. You tell Scary you like her in your own way, in your own time. I don't really mean what I said. That's my time. I got to go. Goodbye, everybody. Good job, Norma.

for normal. Taylor, do you think it's normal? It's normal, okay? I think you work on tightening his act up a little bit. It's a little flabby in the middle. That's not what I'm worried about. So finally up is my son, who I did abandon. Good one. Herbie the Unworthy. Herbie the Unworthy.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, way, way, way. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.

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We did the hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy... It's like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. Alright, here I go. No applause, huh? No applause. I'm sorry, Hermie. I'm gonna throw my shoe at Hermie. Thank you. Thank you, Tori. Tori's got my back. So what did Two-Face say when I asked him out for drinks? What? Maybe. What did Scarecrow say when I asked him out for drinks? What? Oh!

What happened when I asked Playface out for drinks? What? I said yes. Fuck shit. But Gotham, it's so corrupt. All our representatives are Republicans. Democrats aren't much better, but Republicans call themselves the party of Lincoln, which is technically true, but only in the way that Nazis could call themselves the party of the man who killed Hitler. Like...

My partner Harley is non-binary, which makes it very hard to dirty talk them. Yeah, do it. Yeah, you're a bad person, aren't you? Yeah, you're a filthy little criminal. There's nothing sexy about being woke. That's what all the anti-woke people forget. And I consider myself a woke person, but sometimes it's pretty hard. Like, I think God put the flash on the earth as a test. Someone would be like, did you hear what he did? He punched somebody who asked for a photo, then he kidnapped a girl and her baby, and he let the baby put a bullet in its mouth. And I have to be like...

They punched somebody in the ass with a gun and kidnapped a girl and her baby and let the baby put a bullet in its mouth. But I love comedy. I'm a big fan of comedy. Hey, you want to see an impression? Yeah. This is my impression of the world's biggest Wes Anderson fan watching the world's funniest Wes Anderson movie. I volunteered. If you couldn't hear that over audio, I went...

I volunteer with the Arkham Project, which is a nonprofit that provides a place to talk for suicidal kids from ages 0 to 24. No matter who you are, from ages 0 to 24, Arkham Project will help. And the reason that I do that is because I believe that every life is worth saving and that there's always hope.

Until you turn 25. Once you turn 25, you know the score. You finish your tripleted life and you've driven the Batmobile around the block. You can decide if you want to buy the thing or not. Oh, I'm supposed to keep living? For what? To turn 30 and get weird back pain that never goes away? And then at 40 you realize life didn't turn out the way you want it to so you just cheat on your husband until you turn 50 and then you don't like Mexicans anymore for some reason? No.

A while ago, I Googled how many sleeping pills does it take to kill yourself? And you know what Google gave me? You know what it gave me? Links to suicide prevention hotlines and a little message saying help is available. That's not helpful. That's judgy. Nothing else on Google works that way, incidentally. You don't Google cookie recipe and it goes, you know, a diet high in sugar can lead to type two diabetes. Yeah, I know. That's not why I Google. I want a snickerdoodle and to die.

I think suicide takes courage or at least doing it with sleeping pills does because you gotta buy them from a store but you don't wanna go to the checkout line with only sleeping pills so it's like when you bought condoms as a kid you gotta get some decoy items don't mind me I'm just a normal citizen who needs two boxes of Captain Crunch one orange and 17 boxes of Z-Quil yes I would like a bag

So I have depression and anxiety, thankfully. Because those two, as we all know, are the sexy mental illnesses. Look, we can all pretend that mental health is equally important. But we all know, nobody likes schizophrenics. But if you say, I wake up every day and my life feels empty and it's a constant struggle to survive, society, we're like, uh. Or if I'm like, oh, I'm constantly panicking because I feel like I'm not good enough. We're like, oh, no, you're good enough, baby. Or the best one is, I have an addiction. Oh, he's really fun at parties, but sometimes he gets sad. He drinks himself into an early grave and he's got stubble. He's so hot.

Speaking of depressed people, the Batman. They say I want to kill Batman. That's not true. I'm like a dog chasing cars. If I finally caught one, I would have sex with it on its parents' graves. Thanks so much. Thanks so much. I'm the Joker. I poison your drinks.

I didn't really. That was a joke. Guys, I think Hermie... Is Hermie okay? Or is that the Joker? Is Hermie just Anthony? Alright, so, Tori. If you wouldn't mind ranking everybody from 1 to 10. Not ranking them, but giving them a score from 1 to 10. And whenever you're ready, just let us know what your scores are.

And any thoughts you have. Any feedback. Yeah, critique. Ways we can improve. We're here to get better. We're here to learn. I'm still processing the Joker. Hold on. I think I have this well in hand. Hey, Hermie, are you? What's going on over there, man? It's all part of it. It's all a joke. It's all a big joke. That's the thing is I'm an agent of chaos. I say what we're all thinking. Oh. I say we're all thinking about how I would be better off dead.

Okay, so, gosh, for one thing, like, you think that, I mean, this is really hard to act in character as scary, but also to pull inside of my, but, gosh, I want to die more. No, I do. No, me. Your stand-up was about not liking women. My stand-up was about not liking myself. I win. Freaking. I win.

Okay, I think I'm ready. Okay, Tori, whenever you are ready, please take it away. Who went first? Lincoln? That was me. Hi, Tori. Hi. How are you? Good. How are you? Did you enjoy the whole show? Yeah. Okay, that's great. This is great. You're all my friends. I hope you had a good time. This is really fun. Okay. Okay, so... Oh, yeah. Yeah, you can grade me. I'm used to bad grades. It's okay. I gave you a five out of ten. Oh. Oh, out of ten? Yeah.

Sorry, I've been watching a lot of comedy this week. You have nothing to apologize for. Five is very high. It's very good. A little bit higher than I would have thought. I thought it was good because you were very vulnerable and engaged with me. Oh, okay. And that's something that I've noticed in all comedians that really grabs my attention is when they're vulnerable and engaged with the audience. That's really nice. So you did a really good job. Oh, thank you. Doing that. Do you think, are you going to watch the Garfield movie? No.

Probably not. Oh, okay. I feel like I ruined it for you. But your delivery was vulnerable and engaging. Oh, thank you. So that was good. That was enjoyable. Well, guys, you only go up from there. That's good. You think our

In fact, you can equally go up or down, baby. Okay, so... I went next. It's me, Austin Powers. Austin, okay. Yeah, baby, yeah. All right. Do I make you laugh? Do I? You can't try to get your score up again. Can I just tell you my thoughts and not the score? You gotta. You gotta.

Shit. Nothing fazes me, baby. You can give me the whole shebang. I give you three. That's all right.

You might have picked the wrong person. I'm very honest. This is great. Wait, wait, hold on. You're putting me lower than the Garfield movie. He was engaging and vulnerable. It's okay, Taylor. Taylor, let her just take the feedback, man. You shut the hell up, man. I think if you're playing a character, like, the acting needs to be a little more real. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I take it back. It's the best thing you've ever done. I knew what I was doing. Go on. I really liked the joke at the end. I think the inappropriate sex jokes are really funny. Oh, keep that in mind. Luckily, that happens to be my whole persona, baby. Especially when you're talking about the Lion King. Oh, yeah. That was funny to throw that in at the end. That was good. Thank you for your feedback, I think. Sorry.

Next was Scary Marlo. It's Napoleon Dynamite. Gosh. Okay, Napoleon. Next was Napoleon Dynamite. And I gave Napoleon a five. And I thought that the sexist jokes were really funny. I thought they were great. Can you imagine the score you would have gotten if it was a man? I mean, yeah, it would have been really high. And complimenting my shirt was a good, was really good. I like that was good to throw in there.

And then is it your dad? Or Joker? No. It was Will. It was so memorable, bone-wrapped and pickle-ricked. So memorable you forgot to give me a grade. Okay. I gave you a four, and you really grabbed my attention with your energy. Thank you. That is a very nice thing to say. No, but I mean that in an extreme way. No, no.

No, no, no, in an extremely good way. Ah, got him, got him. Yeah. This review is a whole rollercoaster for me. It's great. If you keep that energy during your routines, I think it'll be great. Okay, we'll keep that in mind. Thank you very much for joining us. Before we get to Hermit the Unworthy, I'm going to take a quick average of all those scores. So your average score is 4.25 out of 10. Now let's see how my son will do. Hey, Hermit, wait.

It was out of five, right? It was out of ten. It was out of ten. Oh. Oh. You thought you got a five out of five? She said I was vulnerable. That's the most important thing, though. Oh, boy. Okay, so what did you think of my boy, Hurt Me the Unworthy, the Joker? Okay, let's see. I gave the Joker a four. Fuck yes. Because... Well, well, well. Well, well. Because... How's it feel, Anthony?

Just because it was very fast. That's the only reason. The delivery was so fast that it was hard to catch all the jokes and stuff. That's fine. I'll kill myself. But that's an easy tweak, right? Killing myself? Oh, yeah.

Hey, remember, you did better than normal, though. Shut the fuck up. Should I just crawl out the door now? So, yeah, actually, that's basically all we need you for. Are we going to take a pause? Okay, well, that was great. Thank you so much, Tori, for being an objective audience member. Is there anything you'd like to say to the folks at home before you head out? Thank you so much. This was a great opportunity. Beautiful. Oh, thank you. Yay, good opportunity. You did a great job. Thank you. And then the lights shut off and Tori just disappeared.

All right, all of you go back to your normal forms. Oh, hey. The joke's complete. Thank God Jesus. Garfield is deleted from your phone. Thank the Christian Lord. What? No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. And Skam Likely goes, well, that was a great little bit of stand-up we had. Oh, you really fucked the pooch on that one side. You really messed that one up. Okay, boys, what do you want? I can give you anything you need. Mr. Likely? Hmm?

Hi, I'm Normal Oak, sir. It's nice to meet you. So to get those hilarious performances you saw, we had to sign this thing called a blood pact. And the rules of the blood pact were that we have to kill you. But I don't want to kill you. I don't think we want to kill you. You seem really good at scams. Do you know any way for us we could scam our way out of having to kill you? And then maybe also if we could have the anchor that you have, please. That would be great. Yeah, if you just get us out of here, we don't have to. I mean, we probably couldn't. Maybe that could be the scam. You get us out of here, you give us the anchor, and then we rip the other guy off, and that's a scam.

Oh, yeah. We should scam the other guy. Hermie's like, why don't you just actually kill him? Hermie, dude, it seemed like you were happy. Like, you like your dad now. Right? What's going on? Hey, guys, sidebar. His eyes get dark. Like, Batman's at the beginning of the fucking animated series where it's like his whole face is dark except for his eyes and they, like, squint. And he goes, no. Kill this man.

Sidebar real quick. Yeah. Uh, Mr. Likely comedians, you know, we all just got to kind of go into the green room after green room. Talk some shit. Yeah. So let's just go over here guys. And then I open a door that I assume leads to a green room. Yes. There's a door in the void that leads to a room that is entirely green. Cause he doesn't know what a green room is. Um,

Okay, let's get into it. No M&Ms. Look, Harvey, I just like, so first of all, I'm still mad at you, and you're still my arch rival and enemy now because I found out that you're a dirty chaperone student. That said, we still care about you, and I just wanted to check in. It seemed to me like the vibes were good with your dad, but now you're saying they're bad? What's the deal? You don't like me, you idiot. What do you mean? What you like is someone who withholds validation.

What you need is somebody who tells you that you're a good, good boy and no one in your life believes that you're a good, good boy. So you've looked at me as this one person who seemed to show any amount of affection towards you, platonic or otherwise. And you said, ah, that's the guy I'm going for. You don't want me. You want to self validate. And I can't do that for you. I look. Okay. All right. That's fair.

Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, I mean, that seems pretty valid to me. You're kind of melting my brain a little bit. And my dad doesn't love me. My dad loves Goops and J-Free. I was a means to an end. And I'm going to be the means to his end. No, okay, Hermie, Hermie. Yes, you are right. That's how I felt about you.

But then I saw how much school spirit you have and that you did all this stuff to like, do you know how long I've been looking for someone who cares about their school as much as I care about my school? I've never met. Everyone thinks like, oh, mascot's so dumb. Who cares? Shut up, normal. That's exactly what I think. Yeah, I know. It's like there's two scaries in here.

Which one do I shoot? It's just, I feel like you and I are like a lot alike. We got a lot in common, you know? You play all these different parts. I got my part that I play and like, you know, I just like, I want to get to know you better. And yeah, you know, we're young and, you know, we'd probably be like five years before we get married, but like, you know. Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a long time to wait. Oh, my God. I have real feelings for you, I think. So, you know, I don't know where I was going with that. But there it is. Even though even though he betrayed you, even especially though he betrayed me because it showed that he believes in something bigger than himself, which is more than I can say for some of the people in this room.

Oh, hey, buddy. Wait, wait, what do you mean? Yeah, what is that? We're all in this together. I don't know. Maybe I threw that out there a little too quickly. I didn't do what I did for the sake of the school, you buffoon. I don't have any school spirit. I'm like scary. I make the do-do-do-do-do-do noise when people talk about school spirit. I did all this because my dad...

And I did it. And it was easy. It was, frankly, and he strokes your chin. He goes, you were an easy mark, my friend. And I was like, well, I'm not an easy mark.

I thought it would bring me happiness and I thought getting in his good graces would bring me everything I wanted, like succession. But then he didn't give it to me, like succession. And now I feel nothing except for the desire to kill him, to get vengeance upon the man who stole my childhood away and stole my innocence. And so now you can be the instrument of that. So I'll go on a date with you if you help me kill my dad.

Okay. Wait, normal. He's scamming you again. What do you mean ruin your childhood? You have other parents. Like, my parents aren't like my biological dad, but like you have parents. We met your parents. Like, didn't you have a childhood? Yeah, I had adopted parents. They never understood me. They wanted me to study well and not cheat at things. That sounds great. They were practically virgins. I think they might be virgins. I think maybe that's why they adopted me. I mean, that's okay. Well, that's okay. Not everybody feels like. My virgin parents. Yeah. Okay. Look, you can't understand this.

Why not? Because you're dumb. All right, buddy. But a man needs to understand where he came from to know where he's going. And where I came from is alternately hell and the goof dimension. And I would rather destroy those things than acknowledge them. That's where I came from and that's where I'm going. You're more than where you came from, though. You're a work in progress, just like any of us. Like, I just if you do something like that, like patricides, like a heavy lift, dude, like that shit's going to stay with you forever. But then you'll be free. Thank you, Skylar.

scaring gets it hermy you said that you pulled this scam and you stole a school mascot uniform breaking normal's heart here what did you feel at the end of it satisfaction did you feel breaking normal's heart i felt pretty tight pretty tight i mean in that moment because i was like my dad's gonna love this but then your dad didn't correct all i'm saying is this and by the way i put a small percentage chance on this but what if you kill your dad and it doesn't bring you all the joy and feeling that you're looking for

That's a good point. Then I thought, I'll kill my other dad, Jody, in hell. That's fair. You can't solve all your problems by killing your dad, Hermie. That sounds arguable. Have any of you ever killed your dad before? It seems like there's been art written about this for thousands of years. Yeah, I had a summer where every dream I had was about that. Whoa, whoa, what?

Look, this isn't about me. It's not my decision. You guys need that anchor. My dad has it. What are you going to do to get it? Scam says, you guys won. No, here you go. Fuck it. Congratulations on winning. And he pulls out a scroll from his back pocket and he unfurls and it says, that's what she said on it. And you can feel in your heart that this is the anchor. It is the color blue for joy. And that this is true comedy. This is true comedy. This is the objectively funniest thing possible.

And he tosses it at you and he says, there you go. All right, let's destroy it. You know, let's all just think about something we love. As I destroy this, I'm going to be thinking about the joy I get from seeing you. And I think about Hermie and I rip the thing in half. How honest do you think normal is being with himself? Shit. Does he really genuinely like Hermie or is it just that he's chasing validation? Look, if chasing validation can't bring you joy, then I'm in the wrong. That's what she said. Maybe it's a roll then. Give me a roll.

I got a 14. Okay, so the 14, that'll work. You rip into the anchor. It slices apart with a very satisfying little rip noise. That's what she said. And I can't imagine. Dear God, no. And you can feel that somewhere the doodler has gotten one more anchor removed from its body and that this one is one that's making it think of positive emotions in relation to humanity. Now, there are two anchors that have been broken with love versus the one that was broken with hate at the very beginning of the episode.

Normal, are you sure you're thinking about how much you love Hermione rather than how much you hate yourself? I mean... Ow! Ow! Ow!

I was just saying. No, I'm pretty sure I was thinking about how much joy I feel for the boy I like. Okay. I mean, that's, that's, it is proof positive. I mean, I guess I don't care. So. Okay. Well, a scam says, well, if you want to, I can send you right back to the world you came from or whatever you need. No, wait, what? That would be bad. You don't have like, Oh yeah. Mr. Lister scam. Yes. We, we,

I have to kill you. You can try my little snickerdoodle. Well, I mean, we didn't say we have to try. We're just telling you the situation right now. Yeah. We got a blood pact. Look, yeah. To get in here, we had to set a blood pact with this little football headed guy. I'm wondering if there's some way we can scam that guy out of doing that. Like if we just leave. Can we just go? Do we have to stick around? You know, like when you get a parking ticket at like a school, you don't have to pay it.

Let me see. So it's not like this. Like, if we leave Gufram... So he snatches the blood pact out of your hand and he reads it and his lips move while he reads. He's one of those guys. And he says...

Oh, well, it looks like if you don't kill me within two hours, then Stewie will get supernatural powers and be able to stalk you across the realms and try to kill you in revenge. So that's something that will happen if you don't kill me. But that sounds kind of fun to me. I don't know. He's a baby, right? We've fought babies before. We can just punt that. We can punt that problem somewhere. Wait. He doesn't have a football-shaped head. What? We've already done this before. Yeah. Roll perception. Okay.

I got a very high score. I got a 17. 22. I got 12. 17, 22, you realize that the baby that you fought in the past

looks uncannily like a battle-damaged, slightly older Stewie Griffin that you just didn't recognize as Stewie Griffin at the time. Whatever powers he is going to get are going to have the ability to move through time and space. Oh no, so we already fought him. And we already won! So that means we definitely didn't do it then. We didn't kill Scam. Well yeah, then I guess we don't kill Scam. Here's what I was saying. We've already done this, like, what's wrong? If a trick is good once, trick again is what I say. So like, you gotta... Well put! So like...

Scam. Obviously, we can't kill you, but could you lay on the floor and pretend to be dead and take a picture and we can send it? We can send it to the baby. We did it. Just don't show yourself. I take out my phone. Scam, can you act ahead? Yep, here we go. Daniel Day-Lewis

would be an envy of how well he portrays a corpse as he hits the ground, fingers gnarled, eyes dead and looking into the distance, mouth open. Yeah, Scary takes a selfie with Scam and then if you guys are in it, you're in it. He also does that pose with that guy. Grant Gustin.

What? That's Grant Gustin from The Flash doing this. He's signed in front of the grave. Oh, that's from The Flash. Yeah. Lincoln is going to do like there's blood on my hands, like sort of pose like behind the scam likely. And then, Hermie, I can give you like a hug like I'm consoling you on your dead dad in the background. I think everybody knows that I hate my dad, so I'll probably be tossing my head back and laughing like the Joker would.

Then maybe you shouldn't be in the photo. Herm, you can be in the photo if you want to. All right, I'm laughing. Ha ha. And he arches his back and throws his head back. It's pretty funny. Gary takes the photo and types in- Wow, you got Stewie Griffin's number. It's on the blood pact. He gave you his number. Okay, and then sends a text with, just did another thing. I know you don't know what I did the first time, but I did another thing. He sends you a voice memo back going, oh, I don't buy it. I think you've just made a new enemy today.

Well, we can chalk that off the list. Mission accomplished. Scary, what'd he say? Bite me. Say you'll be next. That way it's like, because next implies that like the first thing we did was killing. So I'm going to reiterate. About to do a third thing. That's what she said. Ha ha ha.

Number block. Oh, man. Okay, well, thanks, Mr. Likely. That was a good attempt. Yeah, how do we get out of here? I can cut a quick portal through the dimensions if you want to get out of here. Where do you want to go? The International Space Station. I was going to say Earth, but...

International Space Station is over Earth. Oh, that's right, because your dad's there. Yeah, my dad's gone. Okay, well, that's great, because your dad can also teleport people around, if I remember correctly. So if he's on the International Space Station, we get up there. It's like a stop. It's like when Google Maps tells you you gotta... Yeah, we're gonna stop to see your dad and make sure he's okay, and then we're gonna go to Earth and get this last anchor, guys. We're so close to being done. I feel like...

there's important information that I got from Willie that I'm forgetting to tell you, but I just don't care enough. Don't believe whatever that guy says. That guy sucked, right? Remember? Yeah, I don't believe whatever he says. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah. So if he told me something like about our dads or whatever, like, I don't believe that. I don't buy that. Did he, Paul?

I don't remember because I couldn't really care less. So Scam Likely pokes reality with a pinky finger with an elongated nail on it used for snorting cocaine and cuts a hole into reality and you can see into the inside of the International Space Station and on the other side you see your dad, Nick. Oh, great! What's my dad look like? He's got no arms and no legs and he's biting the handholds on the space station to move himself around and he goes, oh, oh, hang on, what's up? Dad!

Yeah, that's me. I turn to Scary. I'm still gonna kill you. But for now, you're off the hook. Dad, I'm here to rescue you. All right. Can you open portals? No, of course I can't. I would've opened a portal out of here. Can you come in here? Well, yeah, come over here. Scam says, well, that sounds boring. What, you're just gonna take him out of here and then go back to Earth? That sounds really dull. Drama! And he pulls out a gun. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Right before he says drama, he was tying himself to the stake in the ground. And then he goes, drama! Pulls out a gun that says drama on it, shoots the window, blows it outward, and the vacuum from the International Space Station's window exploding outward also sucks all of you through the portal as well. Everyone hold your breath! Hey, that really sucks, lady. Wait, wait, wait, what now? Y'all get sucked through the portal and through the window into the bleakness of outer space. ♪

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So you're all now in the vacuum of space. Is Hermie with us? Hermie's with you. You have two turns before all of you die of asphyxiation. And our blood's boiling. And your blood boils. And then we feel our saliva boil in our mouths. We got a kiss, right? That's how you exchange oxygen. Fucking steal my move, Matt. Hermie's like, this is how you do it? That would work. Okay, listen, everyone fucking pay attention. We're in the most dangerous situation we've ever been in. We're in the vacuum of space. Quick perception check.

as a bonus action to understand what kind of debris what are my moves right here i'm looking for oxygen tanks or any sort of pressurized containers that got blown out at the same time as the bullet i got 19 perception check okay what did you get how to survive in space 13. okay so freddy you can see that there is basically an ocean of space detritus orbiting the planet it's almost like earth has a ring around it of just pure satellite garbage space trash

Satellite garbage space trash would be a great name for a band. She thought to herself because she couldn't speak. And Link, you see a dead astronaut, his body limply floating around with an oxygen pack attached to his suit. Question, where is the doodler?

The doodler was like 100 feet above the earth. Yes, the doodler, it moves non-Euclidean-ly. So when you look up, when you look around you, all you can see is the earth and then surrounding you and surrounding the earth is still the doodler. Like if you kept moving upward, it would continually seem to be 100 feet above you.

Oh, so it's like the staircase in Mario. It's exactly like the staircase in Mario. Oh, shit. So we are like space height. You are at space height, yes. Damn. So we're in space. But you can see beneath you, the Earth is very, very big. And you can feel yourself getting a little bit warm. So if you were to hypothetically live long enough, the gravitational pull would pull you into the atmosphere and you'd probably get burned up. This is a predicament. Oh, I have a thing. Finally. Finally. Please.

I cast banishment. Yes, okay. You and Hal. Are you doing everybody? I'm so excited that I finally get to cast banishment. I can only banish one person to another pocket dimension for one minute. But if we're all holding hands? No, that's not going to work. If we all get married, Anthony, under the law of God. You become one person. I become one person.

Yeah, if you can really quickly find out that one of you is ordained and then have them do the rites silently in space and sign a marriage license. I look at Nick, the only chance I could make the sign of the cross and then shrug. And Nick nods. He is indeed a universal life church minister. LAUGHTER

Now all you need to do is get five marriage licenses, technically be in Utah. Okay, okay. Wait, are we floating over Utah right now? You are floating over. You're in international waters. You can do whatever you want. You can be polygamous in space. There is an actual airspace distance. So Utah owns everything up until, I don't know what the distance is. Oh, you're saying there's an upper ceiling limit. Yeah, there's an upper ceiling limit of property. Well, then who owns it after that? It's space. It's nobody's. There's international law about it. That's how we can all toss satellites up there. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't like, yeah. It's not like if you own a house, you own your house up to infinity. But hear me out. What if I did? What if I did, though? Every time the moon's up in my house, I'm like, mine! Mine! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We're waiting. Okay. So the spell says, if the target is native to a different plane of existence than the one you're on, the target is banished with a faint popping noise returning to its home plane. And then basically, I can banish them for one minute. However, comma.

One minute in Earth time here is how many minutes wherever I banish the other person. Oh, sure. If you banish Nick, the hope is that he can get his limbs back. Yeah. How far...

What is the time dilation between here and hell, which I would say is Nick's main domain? He would have weeks. He would have weeks. Okay, so if I banish Nick back to hell, Nick can go get someone to rescue us from outside of outer space. Like he can show up with like a hell spaceship or something. It's definitely worth doing to see if anything shows up. I look at Nick and I explain all of that.

But my mouth isn't moving. But I can't say any of it. And your saliva's boiling in your mouth. And then I cast banishment on Nick. Okay. And I hold my breath for one minute. We still all have a turn in case, like, I'm just assuming. Or should we just leave that? You're all going to have to kiss me to give me your oxygen. Why don't you try your turn anyway? Because whatever happens, it's not going to happen right away. Okay.

Since I saw the astronaut, I guess I'm going to try to float over and grab the oxygen tank or see what's up with that body. I'm just in the D and dad's item searching portal space. I'm casting spells. You're in his dad item sheet. We are not. Okay. So yeah, you can find that the body inside is all desiccated and old that if you opened up, you could Clint Eastwood from space Cowboys. It'd be Tommy Lee Jones. He was the one on the moon. Wow. Yeah.

Wow. You can if you want to open the helmet and remove Tommy Lee Jones' skeleton and get inside.

yes i want to grab the oxygen tank and see if there's like gonna give us like if i pass it around can we each get like an extra turn it's the lev right or whatever it's called it's the little it's a little like yeah the recliner of space oh yeah the little boost pack yeah i essentially want to rig myself up i sit on this sit on tommy lee jones's skeleton's lap yeah like santa claus and pilot the fucking piloting towards everybody okay i want to grab my lap give me give me dexterity roll

17. Okay, I can pilot. So yeah, much like Randy Quaid, you can fly. You're a pilot. Okay. But it's not really nothing. The oxygen is not really going to help because it's like probably once I open up the suit, it just like... It just... Outwards, yeah. But you can move though. But you can move. So I'm moving towards you all. I'm trying to gather everybody so we're together. Taylor's like... And like flailing for you.

Okay. I have no debris around me, right? There's a lot of debris around you. You might say, like, I got to you on my turn. Sure. Yeah. You're holding on to his space recliner. And then I'm going to, let me think, let me think, let me think. Oh, what would Taylor have on him? Does Taylor have an inhaler? You've never mentioned it before. Yeah, well, people can have asthma, Anthony. Inhalers don't have oxygen. They have albuterol. Exactly. But albuterol being expelled with the help of an aerosol propellant.

Any amount of force has an equal and opposite reaction. Beth, it's a little thing that Isaac Newton found and that's what Taylor's... We got a jetpack there. I know, I'm trying to help you with it. I did not expect this episode to go to outer space. That was not on my list of things that when I was preparing my Tide 5, I was like, we're going to be in

So me and Freddie are kind of like Wally and Eve. Just kind of zooming around right now. I guess we're heading towards the third turn next. Yeah, in the back half. Which isn't very good. And I'll say it. You're the worst part of Wally. No, that's the best part in the back half. In the back half, yes. Correct. And I'll say this. I think that Peter Gabriel song kind of slaps. It does slap. It's got a synth that goes. All right, what is going on? I'm flying towards scary because it's scary's turn now. All right, scary's turn. Just two boys in a jet pack flying towards you. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm looking. Beth is looking frantically through all the items. I'm sorry.

Also search for air, oxygen. So do a dice roller and then you get a random item. I should. Yeah. And then just see what. Yeah. Just leave it to the gods. In space. Just like I did with Tori. Five. How many numbers are there? There's like thousands. All right. Do you want to do like a random number between one and a thousand or something? Yeah. Random number between one and three thousand. 745. So this is just an item that's floating in this international space. You just see it floating through the space in front of you. Item 745. Holy shit. What? What?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. This is not as cool as it sounds, but I got so excited. Okay, okay. This is an item submitted by Aaron Lysle. That's L-I-S-L-E. And it's the Telebangle, a magical bracelet that appears differently to each person. It appears as a bracelet that goes well with your current outfit. However, when the bangle is worn, it will teleport the wearer.

Somewhere within a 60 foot radius of the wearer if the bangle is removed the cooldown is reset what cooldown I don't know I'm cool down of like using it again. So we get 60 feet closer to Earth. Yeah, but There's like okay if I roll perception and there's like a spaceship 60 feet away Okay roll perception

It's an eight? So with an eight, you can see a... Spaceship 10,000 miles away. You can see a spaceship, but there's a big gash in the center of it, and it is 62 feet away. Oh.

Okay, I have my move. All of a sudden, like, my fucking pupils dilate as, like, all kinds of shit starts to make sense. I look at Scarion. I point at the spaceship. I'm like, how far away is it? Let me roll for perception. No, but you know, though. It's 62 feet away. He just told you. There's an American space shuttle that you see that is 62 feet away and it has a huge gash in the side of it. Clint Eastwood is dead in that one. And Clint Eastwood's dead in that one. Bruce Willis is dead. Bruce Willis is dead. Oh, God. Oh, God.

I ask, how far away is it? By my estimate, 62 feet. You finger six and two? That's what she says. Yeah, okay. And then I nod. And now, Anthony, you stupid little fucking boy.

I want to take it. Anybody else hard? Just me? I want to estimate how much relative speed the space shuttle is moving relative to a geosynchronous satellite that is within view. Okay. This is going to be important because I'm going to cast...

etherealness, a seventh level spell, which allows me to step into the border. Seven spells. I got one. I bought it for that. That's a bonus of a thing. I,

He bribed me. He buys a bonus of a thing. My mom's rich. I get seventh level spells. My dad works at seventh level company. You step into a border region of the ethereal plane in the area where it overlaps with our current plane. I remain in the border ethereal for the duration or until I use the action dismiss spell. During this time, move in any direction, move up or down. Every foot of movement costs an extra foot. I can see and hear the plane I originated from, but everything there looks gray and I can't see anything more than 60 feet away.

I'll hear this. In this plane... Is this fucking french fries all over again? What's happening? In this plane... Blah, blah, blah. I'm in it. However, when the spell ends, am I choosing? I immediately return to the plane I originated from in the spot I currently occupy. So think about this. I get it. We're in space. I disappear. It's not that complicated. I disappear. In my ethereal plane perception, I wait until... Because this is a spot stuck in the center of the universe. It's not orbiting Earth. It's...

Which means in a split second, everything's moving around you. The spaceship, I'm going to be in it. And I'm just dismiss the smell when I'm back inside the spaceship. Okay, that's fun. So yeah, you do that. Okay. Now you're inside the mangled spaceship. Now you're fused with the wall of the spaceship. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hold on, hold on. Also, we now have a bracelet to tell people. If I occupy the same spot as a solid object or creature, I'm immediately shunted to the nearest unoccupied space and it takes some damage. And I take damage. So you and Bruce Willis' corpse are inside of this mangled open space shelter. But only at Taylor. There's a ton of oxygen in there. You can see that there are other unoccupied spacesuits in there, yeah. Yeah, so that's my spell and then my sort of like movement stuff. I want to try and just, you know, get into a spacesuit.

Okay, cool. You get inside one. Is that simple? What? He's spending his whole movement, right? That was an action and a movement. And there's nobody inside of it, so it's not even hard for him to get in. And the spacesuit has oxygen. The spacesuit's notoriously easy to put on. And has oxygen in it. Oh, well, he hasn't turned it on yet. Who knows if it actually works? He's just in a spacesuit now. I'm going to try this one thing that might not work at all, even comedically. Dot Dungeons and Daddies.com. Yes. I'm going to cast...

Contact other plane. Okay. You mentally contact a demigod, the spirit of a long dead sage, or some other mysterious entity from another plane. Contacting this intelligence constrain or even break your mind. When you cast the spell, make a DC 15 intelligence saving throw. On a failure, you take 66 psychic damage and are insane. That's problematic until you finish a long rest. While insane, you can't take actions or can't understand what other people say. Okay.

On a successful save, you can ask the entity up to five questions.

So, well, I'm just going to ask for a favor, maybe. Oh, okay. From whom? Shoot your shot. From the doodler. What? Oh, okay. First, you got to save, so give me that roll. I'm not going to use this dice, because this is the dice I used on that one. Beth, if you chew red vines while you make that roll. Those red vines are gone, huh? Yeah, the red vines go flowing off into space. Fuck, I got a 13. So that means what? I'm insane. I can't talk or do anything. So you have space madness. Ha ha ha!

LAUGHTER

That's my favorite Disneyland ride. I should have used the other dice. All right, so you begin to look into the soul. I wanted to be on the top of the doodler. You look into the soul of the doodler and the mirror, before you can even open your mouth to ask a question, the contrasting emotions and everything drives you just as mad as an almost drove Larkin. What's his face? Normal. You look into the eye of madness and the eye of madness stares back and you're in space. So the enormity of that really gets to you. You hate to see it. Yeah.

Your next album is going to be so good. You just lost so much. It's like Beatles after they came back from India. Okay. Do you take damage? 66. 66 damage? Yep. 6d6 of damage. So that's everybody's end of turn. Oh, what about Hermie? Does Hermie kiss normal to give him his oxygen so the normal can hold his breath longer? No, Hermie opens his arms up and embraces the void. So, okay, that's the end of the turn. At that moment, Nick pops back into existence and he's holding a bunch of signs and some paper. What?

And he goes, the first time he says, I'm so sorry, he throws that one away. He goes, this was the best idea I had. I just throw that away. There's nothing that's oxygen proof in hell. He throws that one away. And the time dilation went faster than I thought. And he throws that away. And he goes, okay, you all have to get married now. And he throws that one away. And he produces five separate marriage licenses with five separate gravity independent pens. To me, you are perfect.

And he throws them at you and then he really quickly looks around and he takes out another piece of paper and he writes on it. He goes, where's Taylor? And then Taylor kind of comes floating out. Is the suit work? Please tell me it works. Roll. Solar power. But for now, let me say without hope or agenda, just because it's Christmas.

13. 13. So with a 13, there's no oxygen, but you are at least protected from some of the heat from the sun and the earth. Ah, solar radiation. It's a real killer. My favorite thing about that sign is that he says, say the carol singers. And my brain every single time goes, who is carol singers? I mean, Link is just signing. He just looks at Nick like this is the only option. Clearly. Taylor now just has eyes bleeding. He signs. Taylor has a space suit and he also pushes out from the spaceship. The corpse of Bruce Willis attached to it. No.

He pushes out from the... Dang, I had a good plan, too. And he, like, comes over, but he's in a space suit. Any signs? Any signs? But Hermes is just embracing death? Is that what's going on right now? But then he sees Nick come back, and he opens his eyes, and he's, like, confused. And he starts, like, trying to... I mean, he's just floating in space, so he's just like... And then Nick uses a rocket pack that he brought with him to move a little bit. Well, there's no noise, so it's...

As he gets closer to you. I don't know why I even opened my mouth and made no noise. So yeah, Nick is zooming around getting signatures from everybody. All right, I signed the paper. Are we all marrying each other? Do we all have to pair off? What's going on? We gotta become one person under the eyes of the Lord. That's true.

All right. So what are you going to do? Scary. Child wedding. Scary signs. Scary signs Terry. And that's when you know something is deeply wrong. Wow. She signs Terry and a heart. Wow. Oh, my God. Hermie signs Hermie. And then he says in parentheses, but I'm not explicitly married to Taylor, who is my uncle or I'm his uncle. Oh, my God.

Link doing contract law in his many years as an adult when he was in a video game. As he passes it over, scratches that part out. Really important. We're all married. And he would also know he needs to get her with the initial of any changes that he's made to the doc. I look around and I just forge his initials. I'll take this crime later. I know this contract has to be fucking airtight. And this is the plan. Look, it's not my fault. If this is the plan, we're going.

All right, so Nick pulls out another set of signs he goes, okay Do you take each other to be each other's people? Taylor thumbs ups enthusiastically scary not enthusiastically Hermey space size and nods and then he pulls out another was his by the power invested in me by space I declare you all married and now you are you feel you are one person under God and

You are one union soul. We all hold hands. Everyone holds hands in normal cast banishment. Okay, what happens? What does it do? We go back to here one minute later. Yeah, do you just go back right here? No, we come back here one minute later. Yeah, but one minute later is still space. Shit, but we get- Oh, no! No, no, no, it isn't! Because Earth is moving relative to the rest of the universe. Nice!

You think in a minute it's going to move so much? How fast do you think Earth moves? Wait, wait, wait. Really quick though. I will say, not to don't bite you, but if that's the way that spell works, that means anytime you use it, like in combat, it doesn't work because Earth is hurtling thousands of miles per hour. So that means any moment. 67,000.

thousand miles an hour. What you're saying is that if you use this on your feet on Earth with an atmosphere and you used it, sorry, you're in the crust now when you come back. Sorry, you're at the sun now. It would be nice if we portaled to like a realm that was all like space survival equipment and then portaled back. Is there like a teleport realm?

Is there a realm where we can teleport to other places? If the target is native to a different planet of existence, which is all of us, then the one you're on, and none of us are from Earth. No. The target is banished with a faint popping nose, returning to its home planet. Oh, home planet. Home plane. If the spell ends before one minute has passed, the target reappears in the space it left or in the nearest unoccupied space if that space is occupied. Otherwise, the target does not return. So as long as I continue to cast the spell for more than a minute, we'll all go back to San Dimas again.

So could we do this? Could we teleport back to our home plane? Yeah, I think you get... And go to where there are spacesuits. Yes, I was going to say, you get 48 hours in your home plane to try to prepare yourselves for the inevitable getting yoinked back to that exact spot. Yes, yes, this is what we do. We go and we all field trip to the Air and Space Museum. Let's teleport, let's get there.

Let's teleport to a plus. Normal cast banishment and everyone winds up back in San Dimas. Wait, wait, this is important. Do we show up at normal's house or can we show up anywhere in that realm? I feel like anywhere in that realm. I mean... Oh, you don't want to show up at JPL or something? That's what I'm saying. JPL's not that far from San Dimas, dude. That's what I'm saying. But like, let's...

All right, fine. It's your spell. It just says returning to its home plane. You're right. So yes, normal tries to remember where JPL is and gives it his best shot. Okay, so you go to JPL. We come out of the teleport at the jet propulsion laboratory in Pasadena. You pair randomly in the middle of one of the labs and everybody's like, what the fuck? And they're freaked out that you just managed to apparate here and they go, what's going on? Well, for one thing, we just got married. What?

We gotta pick ourselves.

♪♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlowe and myself. Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Thank you to our special guest this week, Tori Shaw. Tori, where can people find you? On Instagram, they can find me at 10 steps to my dream. And that's 10 the number. Also special thanks this week to Aaron Leslie, who submitted a magical item that came in handy and we used during the campaign. You can submit items, names, things that we use. If you're a Patreon supporter, more on that in a second.

Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Thank you to all of our Patreon supporters. People like Jennifer Howlett, Gi-Yong Lee, Matt, Aaron Lightbody, Seraph16, Michael Oyerweidz,

Brett Ramsey, the ghost of a good moment. Markeia, Alyssa, Dr. Beanburger, Duchess V Delphi, Exueldo, Brendar, Preston, Rashidul Qader, Matthew Williams, Cove, T-Rad, and Brandon Snook. Some exciting news for us to announce. We're gonna be doing our first ever live show in a live setting at Rooster Teeth Expo this year. That's happening July 7th through the 9th in Austin, Texas.

We're going to be doing a live show. We're going to be showing up on some panels. We're going to be selling merch. We're going to be smelling pretty funky by the end of the weekend. You know, the usual convention shenanigans that everyone knows and loves. You can find more about this at rtxaustin.com, and we hope to see you out there. And are you all caught up with our show? Are you thirsty for more? Well, you can get it.

and support the show directly, you can do it at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads where starting at $5 a month, you get access to hours of bonus content, bonus one-shot campaigns, our thriving community discord, ad-free episodes, and gobs and heaps more. You can see everything that you get at dungeonsanddaddies.com slash patreon and if you are so inclined, you may support us directly at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. It means a lot. We appreciate it. Our Twitter is dungeonsanddads. Our website, dungeonsanddaddies. Our store, store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. Our next episode, June 5th. We will see you then.

Bless you. I got Joker makeup in my nose. Ha ha!