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Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.
Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. All right, kids, it's sing-along time. Oh, Mom, come on. We're not kids. We're teens. We're in the middle of something. We're trying to have an intervention with our friend Scary. You're acting like a bunch of kids and my house is on fire, so you're all going to sing, okay? I'm fine. No, it's not fine. Let's compromise. We all sing. Scary.
Yeah, goddammit, seriously? Whatever. Okay, yeah, this is a good one. Next verse, next verse. Lincoln Hugs! Lincoln Hugs! Lincoln Hugs! Lincoln Hugs!
You know, this was a good idea, Mom. I'm going to kill your mom. I'm going to kill your mom, too. I don't think so, because... Normal hugs. Normal hugs. Normal hugs. Well, kill me, then. My pleasure. Natural one. God fucking... Taylor hugs. Taylor hugs. Taylor hugs. Taylor hugs.
Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. A Dungeons and Dragons podcast. It's a Seinfeld podcast. It's a Seinfeld podcast. Oh, wow. No, it's not. It's a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Jerry, right? Wow, this is great. This one really smothered the vibe right away with my zany joke. This reminds me of those immaculate Seinfeld vibes, which we try and carry forward here. First 100 episodes, good. Second 100 episodes, let's see.
Let's see. Yes, we're technically episode 101 of this madness. This is season two of the show. We're telling a story. No, no, no. No, you push through it, Will. We push. We push through. I sucked up the whole thing.
We pushed through. Oh, Will, it's okay that you fucked up the whole podcast. We... All right, let's ride. Let's ride. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. We're keeping it. We're a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Will betrayed us. Yeah. We are a Dungeons and Dragons podcast that tells a story of four teens from our world trying to change our world back into the world it once was. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the icy cool anime ranger teen of the group. I was...
I would like to request a cool sword drawn out of a sheath. Shing sound. Shing! Yeah, one of those. Please, thank you, Esther, who edits our podcast. This week's teen fact for Taylor. Taylor is not a fan of Willie anymore. Okay. At first, Taylor was like, I feel great about my mom. Oh, that's right, yeah. Yeah, but you know what? That guy's a real jerk. Damn. A real scoundrel. I feel like Scary could have gotten a lot farther.
A lot farther had she known that Taylor was actually on her side the whole time. But I guess that says a lot about Scary. Yeah, she was too far up her own ass.
Okay, that's Taylor's teen fact. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. Is it funny the second time? Nope. My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid. And Esther gave me a cool soccer. What the fuck are you talking about? And then like a... And then... And then like a...
Like cheer. That'd be really cool. Productive paladin of the group. Really quick fact, because I want to get into this fucking episode. No questions. No follow-up questions. Marco and Grant had to put bells on Link's bedroom door because he was getting up in the middle of the night all the time. So they just had to check to make sure they knew when he was getting up. Why was he getting up? Because he liked to sleep on the grass because it's where a soccer field is. You walked right into that one, Ben. God damn it.
Well, I mean, I thought that we were a collaborative podcast. Thank you, Beth. I realize that Will is making some questionable choices, but I just thought that we asked questions and we answered them here. Beth got the vibe. She knew when I said no follow-up questions, I was asking for follow-up questions. She understood. Good job, Beth. Thank you for that. Hey, everyone. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, God. I'm doing a great impression right now. Hi to your children. It's like he's here with us. He's not dead, Beth. Hey, can you get Will? Just like Willie. His favorite celebrity, Jerry Seinfeld, is here. Will! Hello.
Hold on, Will was in my car for comedians and cars getting coffee. And the words of the funniest things Jerry Seinfeld ever said, it's not funny, don't laugh. I'm Will, I play normal. When Kramer was on Letterman. I guess Esther, give me like a Ferris Bueller, like one of those. That sounds like fun. I was like that. We should get walk-on music. Like when you're a wrestler? I was thinking like a baseball player. Do you know what I mean? Like when they play cherry pie or whatever. Sweet Caroline.
Wow. Thank you, Matt. So Normal Oak is a perky, peppy, chipper, cheery, school spirit, betrayed mascot teen. Punished. Punished Normal. Punished Normal. Fun fact about Punished Normal is that Normal does not get mad. He gets even. Oh. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Okay. Hi, my name is Beth May. Esther, could you add a blood-curdling scream that makes anybody who's listening to this podcast be like, something's wrong. Something's wrong. They need help. No, Esther, just be your beautiful self. Thank you. Fun fact about me is that I, Beth, play Scary Marlowe.
Who is a goth punk. That's Michelangelo at the beginning of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 when he's punching the thing. Like, yeah. Yeah. Deep cut, Anthony. People who know that are dying right now. They're fucking livid with how good a reference that was. Goth punk, seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore.
You said goth funk like it's a genre, and that sounds awesome. Okay. Fun fact about Scary is that her favorite genre of music, many people think that it's punk or, you know, just alt rock, just regular rock, something like that. But actually, it's Kidz Bop. No! Because nothing is darker than a child singing the lyrics of Closer by the Chainsmokers or
Or toxic. Or W-A-P. Yep. Have you heard the Kizbop version of WAP? Do they have one? They do have. What is the, I'm almost afraid to ask. Did they just say macaroni again? There's some doors in this house. There's some doors in this house. I said certified beat seven days a week. Water bottle. Make that pullout game weak. What?
They did keep the line that pull out game week. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. In inverse EGOT news, there's a chance that come July. Come. Nice. Is that the name of your movie? Yeah, that's my movie. Come July. It's coming out in August. It's very confusing. No one's going to see it. There's a chance that come July, I will be able to knock off another from my inverse EGOT.
in terms of wrestling, but we will address that in more detail as we get closer to it. But this is the teaser. This is the tease. Freddie and I have been talking to a wrestling promotion. We may play a little wrestling one-shot with them, and I may wrestle in their promotion. Are you sure this isn't just the plot of your gay porn you're writing? Shit, I should have made them part of the same Anthony Burch cinematic universe. When we last left you, you were all friends. I mean...
We were teens. I don't know about that. You set the house on fire. We're like a group project. We're like all on the same group project. That sort of vibe. Sure. I feel like it's more appropriate. Yeah. So Scary cast Fireball, set the house on fire. Link refused to hurt Scary as difficult as it was. Everybody ended up intentionally or not hugging Scary. Link finally seemingly got Scary to join them by saying that he didn't care and it was okay not to care and you shouldn't care about anything and nobody should care about anything because nothing matters. Hell yeah.
I mean, or not. It doesn't matter. And then as you were just coming off of the high of that incredible decision that you've made to not care about anything in this role-playing game... I thought he was brave. That requires a lot of forward momentum from the players.
Norma went up to his room and saw that Hermie Unworthy was stealing the original Teeny the Teen mascot outfit and that Hermie was actually Herman Unworthy from Chaparral High School, the rival high school that had been since the beginning of the season was stated to have been trying to steal the Teeny the Teen costume. And finally it happened.
I told Tony Pepperoni we needed to up security and then look at me, I let the security get lax. The scam was so good, it teared open a hole in the realms to Goof Realm and Teenie the Teen in the arms of Hermione the Unworthy. They both, as one entity, leapt back into the portal to Goof Realm, which closed the door.
He jumped at the window, right? Yeah. Jump through the window. Normal jumps out the window. Okay. The portal's not there anymore. So you take 2d 12 damage as you fall two floors. Does it like close before my eyes or something like that? You're like, you're not there. You're downstairs. Do we hear you? Don't we hear you? Yeah. Out the window of the front door. We just hear. Yeah. And, uh, all the cops and ATF agents out there are like, he's jumping, he's jumping. And then he landed like he jumped. Um,
Normal spits up dirt and a little bit of blood and like the slightest, most repressed grin,
curls on his lips and he says, well, well, well. And then I get up and dust myself off and I turn and march back inside. Are you okay? No, the door's locked. Ding dong. Get on the ground. What are you going to do? You're going to shoot my house. Yeah, get on the ground. What are you doing out here? I can't jump out. I jumped out after. I don't have to explain myself to you. Get on the ground. No. Open fire. I open the door. Gentlemen.
Roll persuasion for that three syllable.
This one. Yeah. So immediately the one who said to open fire goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. He puts out his hand. As you say, gentlemen, he goes, yes, young sir. He lives here. He just falls out of the bathroom window sometimes. I'm just going to bring him back in if that's cool with you all. Yeah, you want me in the house, right? So what's the problem? So he flicks the safety of his M16 back on and nods. Okay. All right. I'm going to go back in now. Hey, guys, just relax. What's the problem? Come on. He unflicks the safety of his M16. All right. All right. All right. I close the door.
Okay, everyone's okay, right? I open the door and I follow you. I'm not close to behind me. Sorry, sorry, sorry, Link. Yeah, man. Everyone, can we gather up? Can we gather up? Yeah, what happened? Why did you jump out the window? What's going on, man? I know we've been through a lot. Just today...
The last couple episodes have really been a lot. Episodes of what? Just episodes of our lives, Scary. I know it's been... I want to know if you guys are in a headspace to receive information that could really upset you right now. What? Let me make sure I'm sitting down and I recline in your laziest of boys. This is... There's no reason... Bring me your laziest boy. To be clear, I'm always in the headspace to receive information that will hurt me. Okay. Well, I mean, I can hear. I don't have space. Some...
Yeah, what are you going to say? There's no easy way to say this, but...
Our school mascot has been stolen. But you're here. What do you mean? No, I'm not the mascot. Link Teeny the Teen is the mascot. You, I point to your chest, you are the mascot. You gotta keep telling yourself that. I so appreciate that, and I so appreciate you, and I give you a hug, but it feels like we've been doing a lot of hugging, but maybe I'll give you a hug later. I'm still processing a lot, but no. Hermie, our friend, Hermie the Unworthy, you are Hermie. Yes, my sidekick. Where are you, Hermie? Hermie's
the mascot. I knew something was up with that guy. I hated that guy all the time. It doesn't make me feel so bad about forgetting about it all the time. He took it. Well, where is he? Let's go get him. No, he tore open a hole to goof around because it was such a scam and he jumped through it and it's vanished and he's gone and we got to go there anyway. And guys, I just...
It's just like he was with us for so long and he was our friend and he told me that he liked me or he said that he knew that I liked him. And it seemed like, you know, it's just he was with us and like he got burned and he got put through the ringer and he met his father and he went to hell and back. And it was all a lie. It was all to steal the outfit. And I just.
Do you know how much school spirit that takes? Oh, from him. From him. Yeah. My whole life I've been waiting to meet someone who cares this much about their school. And yet, and I do. And what do I find? I find that he works for the enemy. It's like I had a crush on him before. It's like I wanted him, but...
But now I need him. We have to get him back. Oh, okay. I've never felt this way about anybody before. That's what I'm saying, guys. I guess if the shoe was on the other foot and you did what he did, like you would do what he did to Chaparral. Yeah, you would do that. I absolutely would. Wow, that's pretty cool. Why don't you do that then? Because I've been a little busy. I had a plan to steal the mascot from Chaparral, but then this all happened.
What was the plan? Oh, you know, it was like going to be, you know, I was in early stages. We're going to seduce another student for two months and become best friends and integrate themselves. But I didn't. I was just like going to go like smash a window open and climb in and get the mascot. Well, it's late. We could go smash a window right now and then hold Baron. We got to go because that's where an anchor is, right? Look, he stole the mascot. He stole my heart. We got to get them both back and we got to get the mascot outfit. That's what I'm saying here. And look,
I know we're all feeling a lot of feelings. We're all feeling a lot of tears. No, we're not. We're fine. Not anymore. It's great because I meant what I said earlier. This whole thing, it's kind of like a family curse. I feel like my dad and my grandpa, you know, they brought this into the world. I just want to say, if you guys don't want to be here, you don't have to be here. But if you want to be here, then let's get on this adventure. Yeah, we're all here, dude. Okay. We're all going to do it. So I just, okay. So we're all in? Yeah. All right. All right. Hands in the middle. Scary. Scary.
Okay, yeah. I'm game. Who cares? Who cares? Yeah, we don't have to do it, but just hang. I like that. Yeah, just hang out. As I put my hand in the middle, I'd mean mug scary, and I'd do the two fingers at my eyes, and then two fingers over at her, kind of back and forth a few times. I'd take the two fingers from your eyes, and then I'd point them at my butt. I'd put my arm around you, too. It's like, that's right, guys. We look out for each other. No, we watch each other's butts. That's right. We watch each other's butts. That's not what I'm trying to...
I'm loving this new positive energy. Hey, let's all do it. And I do my eyes at my fingers and I point them at your butts and I point your fingers at my butt. I say, we're just the first meeting of the butt watchers. Let's go.
We can work on that. We'll work on the name. Okay. Who cares on three? One, two, three. Who cares? We do. Or don't. But we're all together. So how do we get into the goof realm? We have to do a scam. We need to pull a scam. And I have a thought on that. I put my two hands out. What are you doing? Which one's got a dollar in it? That one. I open it up.
Is there a dollar in it? No. What about that one? A portal to Gufra. I'm joking. I'm joking. Because I put
I open up my other hand and I go, there wasn't a dollar in either hand. Damn, that's good. I look and wait for a while. And we look around like sniffing the air expectantly. I had a thought. It occurred to me. Wait, that didn't work? No, I don't think it worked. That worked on me all the time. My dad's like, we just do that to me all day. That always worked. All day. And a portal to Goof Realm opens. Oh, that's true. It never opens. God, I'm scary. Damn, I didn't think about that. You know.
Here's what I was thinking. Okay. It strikes me that there's been kind of a situation here brewing that we haven't been dealing with at all. Right. Like vis-a-vis the mayor and the FBI guys. And then, you know, my mom found out this really great piece of information that she and Willie are working together. Right. Like they got like some sort of thing going on. And I just like, you know, this whole thing has been like a reboot for me again in the last 30 seconds as I was launching out the window. It was like I was looking out at the town. I was falling through the window and I was like,
This town's going to heck and back. And like, you know, this town is part of the school and the school's part of me. So I got to care about this town too. So I was like, why don't we, you know, why don't we solve two problems with one stone and we scam the mayor and
And I hadn't thought on how to do it. Whoa, that's a big scam. Okay. It was a long fall. I had a lot of time to think. Well, this is a big scam. Yeah, because you need to do something even bigger than stealing the mascot of a small suburban high school to open the portal to Goof Realm. Okay. So here's what I was thinking. Have you guys seen the movie Yojimbo? I look at Taylor assuming like, well, it's a good movie. I don't know. What is that? Oh, okay. It's a movie where like the guy...
against each other. And so I was like, this whole town is being ruined by this alliance. There's two teams. It's like a soccer game. It's like a soccer game, but imagine there was a wandering Ronin Drifter. Yeah, Riff.
A ref. Yes, a rogue referee who was trying to trick the soccer teams into fighting each other. Well, he wouldn't be a good ref then. But maybe this referee is complex and interesting and he's an anti-referee. Regardless, my point is, why don't we trick Willie and the mayor into fighting each other and then they'll destroy each other and then we'll get into Goof Realm. Wait, aren't they already fighting each other? No, but that was... Mom! Honey, what's up? I finished turning on all the faucets in the house. Thank you. I think we put the fire... Are you okay? You just turned on the faucets? Yeah, that's all I did. It did...
You told me to do that, so I did that. Remember that I used the water to... They're all still on now. We can turn the faucets on. I'll be back in 10 minutes. How many faucets are there? No, wait, wait, wait, wait. We need your help. We're wasting water. Remember the Sesame Street cartoon with the fish? All right, let's take 10 minutes to turn off all the faucets in the house. 11 minutes later, because she took her time.
All the faucets are off. Mom, what were you saying early about your conspiracy board with Willie and the mayor? So my thought is that it's a false flag operation, that actually they're working together and only pretending to be fighting each other. So what I was saying is why don't we get them to really fight each other, and then it'll be like a good scam. We'll help the town out, and then we'll get into goofs round. How are we going to get two adults to go against each other? I mean, man.
I don't know. And what's the scam part? What's the scam part? I was thinking like, you know, like those funny scams when like somebody's walking into like a grocery store and then like somebody else is like at the grocery store and they just like hit the milk out of their hand. Yeah. And then beat them up. Hit them. Yeah. And then take it to the next level. Kill them.
I mean, never mind. Yeah, but you know, it's funny like scams on YouTube and stuff. But okay, but like... That's like more of a prank than a scam, I think. Oh, I think you're talking about like... You're talking about pranks. What if we send an email posing as an eligible single male and or female to each of their inboxes, you see, and then we invite them. I don't know what the second part of this scam is. We send, okay, we send a bunch of letters to everybody in the town that's
over 70 years old and you disguise it as the social security office and you ask them that social security hasn't been a thing for 30 years tell them that they need to send you 10 of their paychecks every week so that it will go to their closest relative
Are you making it like government? That's really jacked up. I don't know. It's a scam. I'm not saying it's a good thing to do. I don't know. Maybe like we convince Willie that the mayor is going to screw him over and we convince the mayor that Willie's going to screw her over and then they fight each other. Okay. I'm just nervous because it seems like a really big scam. Like, I'm just trying to figure out what the scam is. Yeah, I don't know exactly how. I don't know. I was food to the table. Well, I was bringing social security. This is all the time
my head. Okay. Okay. So should you go up a level? Yeah, maybe just try doing like a fifth story. We're not going to push him off this building. I mean, I guess I could try. Hey, we can tell him we're not going to push him off the building, but then we push him off the building. That's a pretty good scam. I'm afraid it might hurt him. What are you talking about? Nothing. We'll save that one in case. What is a good scam that we can pull on these people?
So a prank's not a scam. So to remind you of the NPCs that we've met so far, just in case, that's helpful in any way. You've got Margarita Pizza. You've got Erica Drippins. You've got that library and the Principal of Chaparral, some other people you can talk to. The Mayor's Army is running around, doodlerizing people. You've got... We have Miss Hale. Sonic, you got May Hales. Okay, I call May Hale. Okay.
Sorry, maybe you guys already know. I just have... Hale, can you explain to me the difference between... We got to do a big scam. What's the difference between a scam and a prank? I'm afraid all my brainstorming is coming up with pranks. Well, the end of a prank is you get to laugh at a person. It's like surprising somebody or making somebody believe something that's not true. A scam directly benefits you in some way. It's usually a lie or something that makes...
You get money or it gives you power or status or something like that. I got an idea. I got an idea. Let's hear it. What if we all...
It's Hermes from Chaparral, right? Across town. Yes. What if we all change our names and enroll in Chaparral High with one goal in mind? As you know, Chaparral is a better school due to their college admissions rate. We all take the SATs and bomb them on purpose, thereby lowering their ranking as a school and the U.S. News and Report, whatever the fucking... But there's four of us.
Ah, here's the key. And like 600 students. No, the math checks out. The math checks out. Wait, hold on. Hold on. I don't know much about math, but I do know. That'll help with fucking up the SATs. That will help, yes. But here's the thought. What if we start an SAT study group and feed them the wrong answers so that we bomb the whole school and then their reputation is ruined? Here, a scam often involves the people doing the scam knowing something that the people who
aren't doing the scam don't know, but we know because we're doing the scam, right? So what's something that we know that nobody else knows? That Hermie disappeared. Nobody else knows that. So it could be like
I don't know. Pretend to be Hermie? Yeah, because Hermie's always changing into different people, right? So like, he's got parents, right? Are we supposed to be at school? The principal might like, like, is there something we could do? Like that then makes us millionaires? So you're saying we should impersonate Hermie, torpedo his chances at getting into a college by failing his classes and committing felonies in his name.
Oh, we could empty his parents' bank accounts. I think it'd be more like we pretend to be Hermie and then convince his parents to give us their social security number and then we can extract...
All their money. I thought that Jody was his dad. Oh, wait, but we met his parents. You met one of his birth parents. The parents that you met at his house are his adoptive parents. A chaparral-based high scam. Okay, let's think, let's think, let's think. Hermes is our point of inquest because no one knows that he's gone. We all know that he looks like different people, so any one of us could seemingly be Hermes at any time. We go to Hermes' concierge.
Can I, before I say this. This is safe space, Lincoln. Okay. I don't want any judgment on this. Okay. Okay. I'm just trying to save the world. Like, no judgment. I feel bad. No, I don't want to say it. No, what was it? What was it? Go ahead. Okay, we go. We all dress up as adopted agency people. And we go to his house and we say, you two have been such bad parents that we've taken Hermie from you. But if you want him back, you give us $5,000 or something. What?
And then when they hand that money over, like maybe goof roll will be open up because it's pretty funny. Yeah, that's a good worst case scenario. They're going to be worried, right? Like they don't know where his kid is. That's great. Worst case scenario, we got $5,000. And like maybe some jail time. No, no, no, no. We would leave. But that'd be cool. No, but we're minors so we can't go to jail, right? Oh. I don't think that's
Wait until you're an adult and then they put you in jail. Okay, so we're not going to save the town from the evil mayor who's abducting everybody. I just don't know what the scam was. I feel like the scam I just came up with we could do in like a couple minutes and if it doesn't work, we could save the mayor. We could do the mayor. No, I don't want to step on. You're right. We could do the mayor thing. I just wasn't sure what the scam was. I just don't know. Yeah, I don't have a clear. Okay, so like what if one of us goes in with the mayor to be like an intern and one of us goes undercover with Willie. This is too dangerous.
Well, hey, Taylor. Taylor. Taylor. Taylor.
He didn't even finish his sentence. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's pretty dangerous. It would be like we sort of let slip that, you know, we heard that. I'm pretty tall, though. So, like, I can look like an adult. Yeah. Isn't that a good scam? You sound like an adult. You know, like, he trusts me. He thinks that I'm smart sometimes. And he thinks that I can outwit people. And so I could go undercover and be like, hey, what do you want?
And then he'd be like, oh, is that what you're asking? You're asking me questions. Oh, you're so dumb for asking me questions. But then I could like learn what the question is underneath that. And then like learn what you could be like, hey, the mayor's scary tells Willie that we got captured by the mayor. And then we found out that the mayor is planning on betraying him. Right. And then one of us, we get them to do what I mean. Yeah. Yeah.
Would Willie, I guess, yeah, we can see if like Willie will. I'm like, we're talking about saving the world here. So why don't we do a scam that helps save the world as opposed to doing a scam that's just going to defraud someone. We would give them money back after we use what we needed to for the adventure. After our fees, thank you. Okay, but I feel like they talk to each other. So we need to like actually get. We need a separate. Here's the problem. Assuming that your mom is right and there's a false flag operation going on.
Wait, Taylor, wait. Your mom's a voice actor, right? She's really good at voices? Wow. Do you think she could impersonate the mayor? Or an adoption agency. I bet you she could. I bet you she could. We're moving away from the adoption agencies. I'm still on the adoption.
I think you're literally split 50-50. You bring up a good point, which is that we don't have enough intelligence. You know, in the first part of any scam, it's like casing the joint, right? You got to work things over, right? Yeah. So, like, we could just go see what's going on with the mayor and see if we can find a point of ingress over there. Okay, so we're going to go meet the mayor. If this doesn't work...
We can go do the adoption. Because Marco and Grant said like the worst thing that would ever happen is if I was taken away from them. So I just feel like it's a really good scam. Like they would be so upset and then we would get money. So that's all I'm saying. So, OK, let's go meet the mayor. And then if not, we can ruin these two. Oh, there's a really easy way of ruining their lives, too, by the way. Just as a side note, as you said, Hermia is gone. We could just call Child Protective Agency, CPA, and just tell them.
You don't want to ruin their lives. That's not a scam. That's just ruining someone's life. I don't understand what a scam is. Do you know where your adoptive child is? Yeah, see, if you report to the agency that this child is missing and they don't know that, that's pretty bad. I'm pretty sure that we could get her taken away from his adoptive parents. Let's talk about it on the way to the mayor's office.
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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, way, way, way. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.
You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Not guaranteed. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo you got me. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.
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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. Mom? Yes? What? Sorry, dude. You took so long. Sorry, I was just trying out some voices, I guess. That was my shithead voice.
Yes, son, what's up? Mom, we want to pull a scam on the mayor to play Willie and the mayor against each other. I love you so much. He just grabs you and pulls you under a bosom. I love you so much. I love you too, Mom. It's been really crazy lately, but I'm glad we're getting to spend some time together. So yeah, we want to do like a Yojimbo move on them, but like we need to get out of the house first and like, can we get these guys out of here? Well, I think that Willie is the one that owns the cops. Do you have any way of contacting him and maybe getting the call off the fuzz? Scary.
Do you feel I don't spend? Do you feel? I've got an idea. Okay. A scam, maybe. Yeah? So what if you guys just, like, play dead really quick? Okay. Like, I don't know. Drop to the floor. Drop to the floor. Maybe we could get some fake blood or do something like that. And then I'll take a selfie. Yeah. And then I'll be like, yo, Willie.
this happened. And like you say, like you did it. Yeah, I did it. Oh my God, I love that. And then the cops will leave because they think we're all dead. Yep. You're super in with Willie. I'll be like really like strong about it too. I'll be like, I did it. Now let me out of this fucking house. Yeah. And then you
know what's great too is then you know maybe you'll be like i need a harder mission and then he'll send you to work for the mayor so you can be like i can spy on the mayor for you or something okay it's all gonna go like that i'm sure so that's funny prank
When does it become a scam? I like this. So we all die. Willie's like, oh, cool. They're dead. So then, yeah. So Scary gets in with the mayor's office. She becomes the spy in at the mayor. And then the three of us, we're dead now, right? So we can go wherever we want. We can do whatever we want. So we're on the outside. We're hiding in the shadows. Wait, what did you say, Matt? We spook her. We go, boo-ha. Like, she thinks we're dead.
That's just a prank. That's not a prank. That's something, but maybe we get some intel from Scary or a woman on the inside, and then we use that to pull the scam. So we could also just go to the mayor's office because she won't be suspicious because she thinks we're dead, and we can sell her chocolates for charity. But the chocolates are full of X-Lax. But we keep the money.
Yeah. Oh, we say it's for a charity. Yeah. And it's not. But it's not. It's just going to line our pockets. This is a good scam. What's her fake charity called? Oh, that's how, because she won't, the mayor doesn't let anybody come to her. So you pretend to kill us. And then when you get there, cause she'll probably invite you because you like killed us while you're there. Be like, Hey, while I'm here, can I sell you some chocolates for the charity? And then when she hands the money, you just need to say out loud, like psych. Gotcha.
As for me, and hopefully the goof room will be open, and we'll be in the cart with all the chocolates so that when the goof room opens, because we have to be where Scary is. Perfect. Because we all have to jump in. So wait, sorry, Lincoln, just to be clear. I don't know what I said, so if you guys remember... It's gone now. Scary is pushing, like...
A flight attendant trolley full of chocolates. It's perfect. No, look, we already have plenty of experience hiding in food-based objects to accomplish goals. Here's what we do. We, okay, there's a lot going on. We're dead. No one knows. Scary's in with Willie. She goes to the mayor. What's this gift that she brings to the mayor? Why, it's an entire crate full of Swallow's vegan ice cream, the best ice cream in town. But you know who's in that ice cream?
She's selling it for charity. She's got to sell it for charity. That's the scam. The scam is getting the money. It's just giving them, just giving them ice cream, but it's not with you normal, but it's just a, we don't get money from it here. And then she, when she wheels us over the mayor, we scan the mayor, we go up in the portal and then, you know, we,
uh, the mayor is doing a lot of like working. It's a big scam. It's a big scam because like, you know, jumping out as we're going into goof round, we say, by the way, Willie lied to you. This was all to sabotage you just so we get that going. And then we also, and then we also been in a writer's room and somebody really wants this one idea to make it into the episode. Guys, I just keep thinking about this one thing I had. Well, what about, what about the room is kind of circling it too. We just keep forgetting. Yeah.
We will find out more information. What's nice is if we're on the cart, we can pivot. We can change our plan. If we're in there, we find out something good about the mayor. We can always change the scam. This plan has what Nassim Nicholas Taleb calls optionality, which means you have the ability to choose what you're going to do at any moment.
Wow. He's an ancient philosopher from the old days. Who was really into like how Buffy was. Oh, okay. So it sounds like your plan is at the very minimum. Read it back to us verbatim, please. So you are going to fake the murder of everybody at the hands of Scary. You're going to have Scary put on the hat and talk to Willie and tell her about that. Somehow parlay that into a meeting with the mayor. When you're with the mayor, you're going to try to sell her a bunch of vegan ice cream. As she hands you the money, you are then going to go, psych.
And then hopefully... It's not for charity. It's for us. It's not for charity. It's for us. And then I guess you all jump out of there. And also, it's not ice cream. And then you all jump out of the ice cream. And hopefully, a portal to Goof Realm opens and you run through it. As you jump through it, Normal says, by the way, this was all planned from Willy. He hates you. What could go wrong? Mrs. Oaks Garcia? Swallows Oaks Garcia. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's okay. A lot of people get it wrong. I get it wrong sometimes. We should probably have her pretend to be dead, too. And then you can say, like, I didn't mean to kill her, but she saw it, so I had to...
She got in my way. Collateral damage, she got in the way. Just like the more death, the better in terms of like, we're really proud of you for that. This is fun. Yeah, that's fun. I have some corn syrup and some red food coloring. We could make a whole project of it. Okay, let's do it. Okay. All right. So does somebody want to roll? Is there something for like crafting or artifice? I also not to like hijack this, but I think there's a one in 20 chance that. You roll a natural one.
No, I, well, yes, yes. That's, you know what? You're right. Thank you. You're right. I hear you. Willie convinces you to join him again or something. No, that scary tries to kill you for real. That's for real? Yeah. Okay. Let's go for it. Let's go for it. I mean, I'm 20. I'll take those odds. So we're going to roll. What? Like it was like deception. Just a deception. That's good. I had a question for three. I'm breathing.
When she takes this selfie, your eyes are open and you're looking at the camera. I guess it should be a group roll probably, right? Everybody roll deception together. Advantage because it's on a phone and all that jazz, you know. Advantage because it's on a phone. The plan is she's taking a selfie. Yes, you have multiple tries at this, I feel. So yeah, we'll say advantage. I rolled a 4 plus 4, 8. Taylor the entire time is trying to figure out what's the right most believable pose that he would
die in just doesn't make sense that i'll be stabbed from the front because of my my skills it feels like with an eight you cannot help but like go into seppuku like pose like you did it to yourself because you're a samurai yeah yeah it's all the poses where you're like i don't know if that quite and that's also i'm not totally still i got 10 okay it's gonna be all up to your deception rule i think while you're talking to willie with this all right scary go ahead make a roll
I got a 12. Is that for deception? Yeah. Okay. Now I'm going to roll to see if I'm compelled to want to try to kill you guys. Well, it's like when you said one in 20 chance that she would join Willie, I think the odds are more like five and 10. We're just laying down on the ground though. So if I get a natural one, that's what happens. Good God. This is a dangerous ass role. We're all just going to let this happen. I'm just trying to do. Does anybody think that's untrue to her character? Cause I sure don't. Go ahead. Roll it.
A seven. The most one resembling number. I want to take an insight roll to see if Link just saw Scary look at them a little weird. It's like Link's covering himself in blood. He notices Scary just like glancing at him. Yeah, go ahead and make an insight roll.
It's an 11. Oh, you didn't notice. Two ones. She's probably thinking of soccer. Okay, so that's your first picture you took. It kind of sucks. What I'll say now is that you'll take the picture again and it's a good one. But now when you show Willie, you're going to have a 50% chance of showing him the wrong one. Because they're both on your phone and the thumbnails look identical.
And this phone doesn't allow you to delete pictures. Wait, scary. Oh, damn, dude. Dude, fucking crush. I'm one step ahead, Holmes. That's the ultimate fucking invisible wall in a video game. Just like turn the car. Nope. Wait, scary. Take another picture on my phone, which allows you to delete pictures. I can do this. You got this, scary. I would like to cast guidance on scary. Okay. Scary.
And I put my hand on your shoulder and say, you can do this. You're like really good at this kind of stuff. So just believe in yourself, but don't care. You don't, you don't care. You don't care how this goes. You don't give a shit if we live or die. You don't care what Willie thinks. So just, you know, don't give a fuck. I don't care. Don't give a French and Frick dude. Okay. And I cast guidance. So yes, now once before the spell ends, roll a D4 and add it to an ability check of your choice. Wait,
Which we will say is also a skill check because fuck ability checks. I don't care. What's the difference? Ability is like wisdom, strength, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Skill is like deception. Scary when you're talking to Willy, just actually pretend we're dead. Okay. Yeah, there you go. Smile. And scary. See, if this doesn't work, I'll kill you. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. All right. All right. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. I put on the cap. You fall asleep.
And you're back in the void and Willy's there. The instant that she's down, I draw my katana and hold it at her throat. Okay. If she betrays us, I will not hesitate to pull the trigger. We're supposed to be playing dead, dude. We already took the photo, dude. The entire time you've been playing dead.
I get up. Hey, Willie. What's going? You know, I was just kidding when I asked for a hug. That was. No, no, no. That's why I laughed at it. I know. That was a pretty good scam, right? Yeah. I mean, it's don't fucking pat yourself on the back. But yeah, it was funny. OK, well, just want you to know that I did it. You did what? Oh, you don't even know. I killed him.
You killed who? Oh, some would say friends, but more like foes and dead ones at that. You can see he's trying not to get irritated. He goes, so you killed...
the three people who we can put into the Omegara fault door so we can get to the other realm where there's an anchor. So you killed the only way that we could get to the other realm is what you did. I just got mad.
You have to... How do you guys think she's doing in there? I think she's doing great. She's so peaceful when she sleeps. She's really sweaty right now. You're supposed to be the smart one. You're supposed to be the one that can control your emotions. Normal's the fuck up who can't control his shit. What do you mean you got mad? I got mad. How did you kill the... How? What did you do? Are their bodies still... I cast a spell and I... What spell? I cast... What did you cast? I...
Cass. Are you fucking lying? He leans in close, fucking Logan Roy style. He's like, are you fucking crying? I'm not crying. He leans in close. He goes, are you fucking lying to me? And he's going to roll insight on you. So he got a six. So he goes,
Nah, you're not lying to me. It's a little blurry. It's a little blurry out there. You really did kill it. I mean, I'm... Yeah, I cast Spider Climb, but I didn't cast it well because they all fell down from a height and they all died. And I did that on purpose. You have Fireball, Beth. I cast Fireball too. And you know what? I cast my face against their skull
and I felt them crack. Okay, so... And I didn't care. I show him the photo. So he sees your three other pals covered in blood. And I'm dabbing. My eyes wide open staring straight at the camera. I'm dabbing. I'm dabbing.
Anthony, by the way, here's the thing. It's that if she accidentally hits live photo, you can see all of us like getting up. Yeah, that's what it is. That's what it is. Okay, so roll a d20. 11 or above. You hit the right one. 10 or below. You hit live photo. Oh, God. Okay. 14. Okay, okay. So you put up the correct photo. Everyone looks dead. Now you just got to sell with your deception roll. Taylor looks really cool dead.
Taylor thought he looked so good when he was dead, but he didn't. Yeah, he looks like a little fucking dweeb. Yeah. Dying with his butt in the air like that. Fuck, I got a nine. So, he goes, what are you not telling me? I...
cried after I killed them. I was really, I know that I just, you know, decided not to care anymore, but part of the, it tugged on my heartstrings as a former friend. And then I also peed a little bit
So when you first started talking about crying, you see this like disgust on his face and he like kind of like recoils back a little bit. And the pee thing, he was like, but just go ahead and roll deception with advantage because the idea of you being a big baby. Teenage girl. Yeah, a little teenage girl. That's what he was. I know, I know. Oh, fuck. Yeah, 19. Wow. The first roll was a one. Oh, I guess. OK, well, we don't have to talk about girl stuff. That's fine. You do what you have to do. OK, I hate when girls pee.
Not the peeing, the crying. I know you pee out of the other hole even. So, pretty big deal that I know that. Willie! Ally!
Yeah, you're an ally. I am. That said, you're fucking stupid for killing them because now we have to find another way into Faerun or Earth, I guess. Well, I was thinking we could work with the mayor. She probably has all sorts of ways into different realms and stuff like that being as shifty as she is. Yeah, I mean, that's where she's from originally. You're not wrong. Maybe she has a way back. She's from Faerun.
Well, she's from Earth. Earth. The place where the doodler's ass is overhead, that's Earth. So yeah, she is from Earth originally, and she came here, and I got her onto our side. But yeah, that's not the worst idea. I could just be like an intern for her, work my way up, and then... Or you could just ask. You could just go ask. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that. I can call ahead. Um...
Do you want to call it a special phone? Roll deception.
Two. I didn't think so, but... He's like, no, I never use other people's phones. There's too many of those phones that only dial one number hanging around. I don't trust them. Yeah, no, give her a call. Okay. So he takes out his phone and he dials a number with 17 digits in it. And... What a cursing number. What a strange non-Euclidean phone number with...
Digits beyond a while is just imagination. What did you love best about season two? Oh, the world building. So you're telling me he dials into like a Zoom conference line where there's like, yeah, put your meeting ID and shit. Yeah, and he goes representative. And then I changed my background to the dead bodies. He dials a 70 digit forbidden number. 69, 69, 69. Yeah, 69 and then it sticks at the end. It's 69, 420 times.
baby. Just wait there for a minute. So yeah, he calls her, he goes, yeah, so I got a kid that's going to come by. Just show her the portal. Like, you have some way of portaling around or something. I don't fucking care. Just talk to her. I'm dealing with other shit right now. What are you dealing with? Your fucking dads. Oh, and how are you doing that? I'm going to find a way to make sure that they're not much of an issue anymore. But to say anymore would be spoiling it, frankly. Okay.
For you. I mean, you hate your dad, right? Your stepdad, Terry? Yeah. Yeah, so fucking, why have your birthday cake before your birthday, you know? Damn, I guess. I should have made that a present reference, like a present metaphor. Yeah, because you could eat birthday cake at any time. I didn't ask you to fucking agree with me. I'm just trying material out on an audience. I don't fucking ask for feedback. I know. I know. Yeah. And I don't really care. I mean, like, I don't. All right, so we're done here? We're good? Yeah. Yep, fuck off. And then you wake up.
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How'd it go? Taylor's got a knife at your throat. Oh, Taylor, she's up. Link's been working on a poster for, like, abandoned animals for the charity. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The charity grips, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It went pretty well, I guess. So do I slit? What? What? No. Slit what? What are you talking about? Get the... I pull this... Put the sword down, dude. And I swing it and it does a little... I push it. And I die. Is it sharp? Is it sharp? Yeah.
Or is that a fucking mall storage? I think mall katana is what happens is they're sharp, but for like one cut is really what it is. You know what I'm saying? And one's all you need when you're Taylor Swift. They're dull from the beginning. No, no, no. They're usually sharp, but they don't hold that sharpness is what it is. Damn. That was like me in the gifted program in elementary school. Nice. Nice.
So, okay. So what's the deal? Yeah, download it. So I'm going to tell you what's going down. And then you do. Do-do-do-do.
I guess the only version that would matter though is like... Do you tell us about our dads? Yeah, our dads. Do you tell us that he's doing something with our dads? No, I don't think I do. Damn. Okay. As we drive, we can make this... Wait, before we go, can I just have a word with my dad? Where is he? He's dead. His legs? His legs. Can I have the room, please? Taylor, I can do you one better than that. I'm not interested in your witchcraft. Oh, a new interesting direction for Taylor. Oh.
When you spent the night at his house, you didn't see a single Harry Potter book. Oh. And not for the good reason. Not for the good reason.
I don't like Harry Potter. Yeah, but do you not like it 10 years ago? Taylor, I can cast a spell called sending. You send a short message of 25 words or less to a creature with which you are familiar. The creature hears the message in its mind, recognizes you as the center of it to know you and can answer to like matter immediately. The spell enables creatures with intelligence scores of at least one to understand the meaning of your message. I mean, your dad's kind of a himbo, but I think he's got at least one intelligence. Thank you. You can send the message across any distance, even to other planes of
existence. Oh, hey. But if the target is on a different plane than you, there's a 5% chance that the message doesn't arrive. Okay. All right. So give me 25 words. Give me like a tweet. Okay. Make sure it ends with sad. So in all caps, Taylor says, hey, dad, I am not sure if you can hear me or not, but I just wanted to say, hang on and I'm going to
Don't say it like that. I'm not going to say it like that in the message. You look and it says C-Y-O-M-E-S-S-E-Y-O-M-E-S-S-E-Y-O-M-E-S-S-E-Y-O-M-E-S-S-E-Y-O-M-E-S-S-E-Y-O-M-E-S-S-E-Y-O-M-E-S-S-E-Y-O-M-E-S-S-E-Y-O-M-E-S-S-S-E-Y-O-M-E-S-S-S-E-Y-O-M-E-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S
Yeah. You see the word magically appear in front of you and it's C-U-M. And it vibrates a little. All the other words are still that word vibrates. It's like when you send with an effect in like iMessage. I send the message. I'm going to come get you and save you. I send the message. I love you and I hope to spend well. We're over our character limit. It ended on come. This is like a fucking calendar. All right, so you send it. You can't respond back though. Yeah, you can respond back. 5% chance though it doesn't get to him. 5% chance. So what is that?
Come here and look. No way. But we don't know. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my god. There's no response. It should go to a random person. Yeah. So am I supposed to hear something back? I don't know how long a message takes. And his legs melt in front of you. There is a... Your spell killed my dad! What? No! No! It's just a
The legs are not the important part. The other part of his body, he probably just re-grew them wherever he is. Guys, who cares? Let's just go to the mayor. I know, she's just like, she's going through... She's on thin ice with me, okay? I'm keeping an eye on her. If she makes one false move, it's just between us. She's right here, dude. Scary, plug your ears! I don't care enough to plug my ears. God fucking damn it, scary!
All right. Okay. We go and we make a chocolate cart. So basically you hollow out some empty Swallow's vegan ice cream containers. Here's what it is, is that normal has read one book and it's the Hobbit and he can think of one scheme and it's hiding in a big barrel. Well, I like the idea that she has like a push cart. Like you see, you know, like you see those guys, you know, like ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring
mood for ice cream. It's full of booby traps like the baby cart in Lone Wolf and Gun. LAUGHTER
Yeah, it's got a bunch of different windows and stuff you can put your hand out of if you need to, like little flaps and stuff. Link was using your family computer and was getting little pictures of just sick-looking animals, and it says money for the abandoned animals of San Dimas. And your little ice cream song that plays as you push it around is the Sarah McLachlan song. Yes, in the arms of an angel. So, Skira, I think you're just going to tell her that thanks for meeting you, but also while you're here, you've got to work on... It's a school project! Yeah, you're part of the Girl Scouts. You need to raise money, and whatever she wants you to do...
you can't do it until you finish this. So like, maybe she could buy all the ice cream. So you don't have to keep, cause you can't work for her or do whatever until you're done. So yeah. So sell ice cream. And then what are you going to say when she buys it? Psych. Psych. Nice. Psych. Yes. The magic word. I'm just throwing this out there. Like what if Willie finds out that we did this? Well, he will. Cause it's a scam. So he's totally going to know. Oh,
Oh, okay. But we're going to be in the goof realm. Yeah. Yeah, it'll work. I mean, scary. Like, there's no way, unless you do kill us, like, eventually he's going to find out that you didn't do it. Yeah. Ms. Walzow Garcia, to cover our tracks, can you please plan our funerals? Do you not want Willie to know you didn't kill him? A funeral requires a body. That's not going to cover your tracks. It's anything that's going to draw more attention to it. Clothes, casket. Clothes, casket. Wait. No, that's true. I don't want you to get hurt, scary. We could...
Do you think your mom could find some corpses?
You want me to find four? Oh, you're still here. Just so that, like... You want me to find three kids that look kind of like you or a dad. While we're in the goof realm, it'd be good for a scary sake if Willie did think that kids did die in here. Okay. Could you deal with that? Yeah, yeah. And the police? Yes. At the very least, I can find an adult corpse for you because you're tall. The other two... Yeah, I could... It's going to be emotionally difficult for me to imagine a corpse that looks like my baby boys. I don't want to think about that at all. For sale. Mall Katana never used. Just like...
Just get real nasty with it. Like, you can't identify the body. No, she showed a picture of you guys with your heads still on. Or ashes. It's much easier if you just burn the house down. Oh, burn the house down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my house that I just saved. No, you're not burning my house down. You guys are overthinking it. It's not a big deal. I think I really did you a favor here. Good luck looking for a corpse. Normally, you need, I never thought I would say this, but you're the coolest of your friends and you need better ones. Thanks, Mom. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell?
Okay. So she drives you across town. Thank you for the ride, Ms. Valdo Garcia. It's still happening. We're still in the moment. I'm going to narrate a little bit. Thank you for the ride. That we're currently having? Yes. You're welcome for what I'm currently doing. Can you turn the AC down a little bit back here? Yes. As you drive downtown towards City Hall, you see the city get more and more- I've never seen buildings so tall. What are you referencing there?
He's never seen City. No, it's that movie about the kid who's like from the jungle. Jungle to jungle? Oh my God. What? The most insane reference that has ever happened on this fucking podcast. You remember this episode where we referenced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Secret of the Ooze? You outdid me somehow. Jungle to jungle starring Tim Allen. It was funny to me. It was so funny you decided to say it out
fucking loud. Because honestly, San Dimas probably doesn't have any building stars. And you lived in San Dimas. I've never seen that five-star in my life. You were the stupidest fucking thing ever. Matt, your character has lived in San Dimas his whole life. He says San Dimas is like a podunk town compared to LA, I guess. I can't explain
explain why I said it I'm sorry oh okay you fucking you maladjusted son of a bitch I'm gonna look up the Sandima City Hall no don't bother it's fine just going to street view just to see what the area looks like and there's nothing taller than two stories oh no
Oh, no, there's a house that's two stories tall across the street. Remember how the third act turn of that movie is when he's like, I was obligated to keep you. He's like, obligated? Yeah. Remember that? Yep. It's fucking wild that we remember that shit. I haven't thought about that movie since I was like seven years old. You don't remember any of the rules of Dungeons and Dragons. That stuff's staying in there for good. I'm sorry. You can narrate. I will not interrupt you.
I'm sorry. All right. So you drive. I know the shot. So he's like up against the taxi. They're taller than trees. There's like trees in San Diego. Since trees would be taller than the buildings. Like for sure. Anyways. All right.
Jungle to Jungle, 1997. I don't know if that movie holds up. I think it's even more insane that I caught it. Yeah, I know. It's pretty wild. Because you just said, you know that movie with the kid where the tree is and he's looking at the buildings. I just said a line from a movie nobody remembers.
So yeah, as you drive downtown towards City Hall, you see the city around you get more and more chaotic and violent as the mayor's influence grows. You see overturned cars, bonfires. The number of doodlerized people you see grows exponentially as you get closer. They're walking around as if in a haze. You see some people just vomiting black ooze onto the ground. Somebody's just screaming and pulling out their hair.
Eventually you come to City Hall and Rebecca is like, I can't stay here for very long. You see a lot of those doodlerized people, like their attention's getting turned onto your car and kind of like shambling zombies. They're starting to move in. Quick, unload the ice cream. Before we go, I just want to say like, we haven't had a lot of time to talk lately and I'm going through a lot of stuff, but I want you to know that I love you and it's going to be okay. We're going to make it through this.
And we're going to help. Yeah. Anyway, that's all. I just give her a big hug. Okay. She goes, oh, oh, yeah, thank you. I know we'll make it through this and you will too. I'm proud of you. I am proud of you. And then normal just kind of cries and hugs her. Thanks, mom. No, no problem. I'm just going to drive around in circles until you reappear.
We didn't actually have a plan for how he was going to come pick you up or what was going to happen after that. No, mom, go be safe. Go protect yourself. We'll be fine. We're troopers. We can handle it. All right. And she hands you her assault rifle and she goes, you use this before you think. Don't even give him time to fucking try to argue with you. If you got to use it, you got to use it. There's no safety on this one. This follows up Garcia. Yeah. Your uncle taught me the only safety is in is your finger in your mind. So you you do what you got to do. Okay.
Hi, everyone. We're going to be... All right, so just a review. We're all going in the ice cream cart. Yep. Hop in. And then you're pushing us, right, Scary? I'm pushing you. It's scary if you pull any shit. I'll kill you.
All right. So you're all in the ice cream cart. Three boys in a salt rifle with no safety on it. Yeah. An ice cream cart heading towards the city hall. So it's a very small detail. I'm sticking my finger like behind the trigger so that like it can't accidentally go. Yeah. And I'm pointing. See, it doesn't work when I try to pull the trigger. Yeah.
We're in C&J. We're good to go. Look down the spout. See if there are bullets in there. And I'm pointing it back towards where Scary's pushing us. Don't worry. That's our insurance. And I pull out something that we haven't used in a long time. And I pull out my human gun. And I bite my fingernails and I load it in.
Oh, wait, that's right. You still have that? Yeah. Didn't we lose all our stuff? You lost all the stuff that was in the trunk of a car. Yeah, I kept it in my back pocket. But you keep holding onto it. Dude, he kept that fucking client tight, dude, right by his fucking groin. No, it shouldn't just be me. Each of you give me a little fingernail or something. No, my fingernails are already... Okay, I pluck a hair. Ow! I give you one of my boogers. Okay. I bite my lip and I bleed. Oh, okay, cool. So...
So just so the order is scary, normal, Taylor, Link. That's when I shoot the bullets. Go ahead and write that down. This is a small detail, but like as scary approaches City Hall, it's like there's the ramp that she could push the cart up, but she's like very stubbornly dragging it up the stairs one step. Yeah, which is very unpleasant for you guys. I must be so yoked. Yeah, she must be very strong to pull three boys up the stairs in the cart. And some ice cream. And some ice cream. Well, there's no ice cream. It's just you guys. I thought that there was ice cream on top. Yeah, there's got to be like a cup
It's got a curtain. It's a curtain around the trolley. So you start heading in and you see some doodlerized people beginning to lurch towards you and you hear over the loudspeakers. Oh, no need to lurch. I'm here to see the mayor. They're like...
And they're just walking towards you and sounding more and more orgasmic as they get close to you. And the mayor, that's how I come. And the mayor gets on the loudspeaker and you hear, Let her through, please. Let her through. She has a meeting with the mayor. It's fine. Everyone stops, stalks still, and you walk past an ocean of still staring faces watching you and tracking you with their heads as you walk into City Hall. That's right. I'm getting into politics.
All right. So you headed to the office, I assume? Her office? Yep. There's a clear path to her office, but on either side of that path are several holes, purple and undulating and meaty and fleshy on either side of the pathway. And you can...
Investigate them more if you'd like to, or if you could just keep going into the office, it's up to you. Well, I guess I'll investigate if they look like portals. Go ahead. 11. So 11, you can tell they are portals. You can't tell to where, but you can tell that they are definitely quick ways from getting wherever the mayor is to wherever she wants to get to.
She's got a fast travel system in here, too. This may be easier than we thought. At least within this realm, you can tell that. Oh, fuck. Never mind. So it might just be like a teleportation around this realm for all we know. Yes, she's got fast travel in this level, but she can't go somewhere where it requires a new loading screen. Unless she pushes through one of those really narrow little walls. Oh, yeah, she has a... God of War, one of the writers, Anthony Burch, you know, is full on. Okay, so you head into the office of the mayor, and...
And she stands up. She's writing what looks to be a bill. And then you see on the table, it's actually just a corpse. And she's just etching into its back with a razor blade. And the guy's name is Bill. And his name's Bill. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. He's got a name tag on his chest that you would see if you looked under, but you're not going to. It says, my name is Bill. She goes, I'm so sorry. You got me at a busy time. There's so many things to do. There's so many things to do. And her face gets tighter and her eyes bulge out a little bit more. And she goes, I've been told that you're a very enterprising young woman and you wanted to speak with me. You,
You've killed some people. And that's very, I think we could have a very good use for you in our organization. Oh, that's great. You know, there's only like one problem is that I have this charity assignment for school that I need to finish before I could be an enterprising young woman. But if only there were some way to get more.
More money for the animals. Won't somebody think of the animals is what I'm always trying to say. Play the song. She's doing a great job. Oh, yeah. Press the little button. All right. So go ahead and roll persuasion with advantage because you have the image of the sad puppies and the in the arms of an angel playing. 16. Okay. So the 16, she goes like, oh, I
I'm always one for charity. It's always good to do a little charity before reelection time comes up. So yeah, I love an animal just as much as the next one, especially fried or baked. Just kidding. Just kidding. Little joke. You're so funny. Little joke. Can I kiss you on the forehead? Can I kiss you? Just lean in. She leans in. Lips pop. I just want to give you a little kiss on the forehead.
For the cameras. For the cameras, you see. And she gestures at the wall where there's nothing there. She goes, for the cameras, you see. Yeah, I guess I don't care. Okay, here we go. Here it comes. You need a big check. So you only do kisses with big checks. Oh, I...
I actually realized I do kisses on the forehead for big checks. It's a good photo. Photo op. Think of the optics. Big check. Yes. Yes. Think of the optics with that check. Oh, yes. A big check. I have many big checks. Let me go. Let me go to the closet. She goes to the closet. There's just a bunch of big novelty checks in there, along with a big pair of scissors. Big bloodstained pair of scissors. Yeah. It's like the fucking clock tower fucking monster. Yeah. Deep cut reference there.
It's no jungle to jungle, but yeah. I love the idea that we're like writing down these little notes and passing them to Scary and that's how she's seeing them like below, you know, like below where she's pushing. And then as she goes into things, she's like, make sure that the checking account and the routing number are accurate and on the check. That's what Taylor sends out.
Okay. So she comes back with a big novelty check and she goes, how much for the ice cream per? $5,000. $5,000 it is then. Okay. For 10 gallons of ice cream. Here we go. And she writes out, I assume they're gallon cartons, $50,000 check and she signs it on the big novelty thing and she hands it over to you. And she goes, I'll take the lot of it then. Okay. Ooh.
Ooh, I wish, but this is melted here. So I'll have to take this check back to headquarters and get you our best, most frozen ice cream. Well, I think I... You're going to jump out. You jump out? I think Joe's like, psych!
And she goes, you can cancel checks. It wasn't for charity, though. You thought it was. Guys, come out with me. I'm going to roll to see if Goof Realm opens up. Taylor's just stuck in the car still. He's like kind of leaned down. His foot got caught. He's like, psych. Goof Realm does not open up. And she goes, go.
guards. I point the gun and I shoot scary. Scary? I shoot scary out of my gun at the mayor so she won't talk. You're like a couple feet away from the mayor so when you point the gun and shoot it. The moment I hear is essentially start calling for guards. She goes, God! And then she gets a face full of scary as you pull the trigger but
Again, you're not that far away from her, so she comes out and her body crunches and kind of compresses between the gun and the mayor. And she just falls to the ground and knocks over the mayor. What does Scary's doppelganger say, you think, as she comes out of the gun and hits the mayor? Don't care. So sad. Don't care. So sad. And she keeps saying that as she melts into the floor into a pile of... I jump on top of her and I shoot the next bullet. I say, say, you got scammed. They shoot. All right. They shoot Nora.
So normal comes out.
She gets knocked over by the first bullet. The second bullet hits her. You thought that those were us scamming you and hitting you, but they're just doppelganger bodies. Psych. God. All right, so normal hits her. What does normal say as he goes out? Let's all get along. It's great. Bocce whiz. Okay, and then he dissolves and she goes, can't something just work out? And they pull the trigger again. They shoot Taylor. Okay, so Taylor, what do you say as your doppelganger comes out? Hey.
That's it? Yeah. As I come out. But if you could slow it down, you'd see that like my eyebrows cocked in a cool way. All right. So that hits her again. This is not a scam. This is just a scam. You got scammed. Admit it. And I pull the trigger one last time and I fly out. Okay. So for the first time, she understands how the gun works because all she saw was, well, I guess she saw scary too. So yeah, she sees you pointing your gun at her and then you also come out of the gun and you hit her. All right.
Because it somehow remembers what happened last time. All right. And now I'm just pulling the trigger endlessly. Okay. It's click, click, click, click, click. Scary looks around and is like, guys, my tummy never hurt. I just wanted attention. A portal to goof around the open. We'll do the Seinfeld noise.
We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today, for tomorrow makes the
We can't change. We got a day, but not today. Dungeons and Dags is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon. And that Patreon has the names.
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The entire crew of The Challenger. What? That's so sad. We make fun of dead people all the time on this podcast. I don't know why they seem special to me, but they definitely do. I don't know why.