Chapters
Shownotes Transcript
Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Animehab. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons of new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kind of...
It's all kinds of stuff, dude. I was thinking solely anime. From Family Guy to American Dad, they've got it all. Solar Opposites, Hit Monkey, American Dad. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. If you're looking for a favorite animated show, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Hem. Your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.
Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Coming straight out of God direction because my T hurts. This there was never a bit. And my tummy still hurts. And I just killed them. Crushed this fake. I am dished. Dummy's weird. Cause I just cast fire.
Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a PDSM podcast. That's right, it's a piss podcast, everyone. We talk about pee all the time. Every episode, talking about pee, urination. It's an obsession of ours. We love it. It's the only thing that keeps us going. It gets me up in the morning. First thing I do when I get out of bed, I piss a big old pot of piss right in my old porcelain throng.
And that's what we all do. That's right. We're just piss machines here. We also play Dungeons and Dragons on the side. Right before this, we were like, why didn't we get invited to the Dungeons and Dragons Honor Among Thieves premiere when all the other big podcasts did? Ha ha ha!
It's because we're not a D&D podcast. Matt Mercer won't talk about piss on his podcast, but I will, so fuck him and fuck you too. What's he hiding? Really quick though, do you all pee first thing when you wake up now? Yeah. I even wake up in the middle of the night to pee. Slow down, slow down. That's how much I love it, yeah. Dude, I can't even sleep six hours straight without getting a piss session. That used to not be the thing.
Like, now I do. Like, before the pandemic, you didn't pee? No, I peed, but not first. First thing when I woke up, I, like, fucking pull out my Switch and, like, play a few games or something. What? You came before pee? Yeah, up until, like, 30. What? What?
Once I hit 30, now I go straight to pee. Yeah, dude, I don't have to start right away. I got stuff to do before I got to pee. Your body actually wanted to pee the entire time, but your game regime just overrode it. I'd fucking go up and get like coffee before I peed in the morning. That's insane. I'm always, since I was a child, pee first thing when I woke up. Not now. I'm going to have Ashley do a Twitter poll. As a healthy prostate having young man, I peed first and now I pee first twice.
And now I pee when I'm asleep as well. Yeah, yeah. I also wake up. I don't have any of those things, but I pee all the time. Okay, all right. You're in it for the love of the game. I really am. It's a passion project for me. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the rock and roll ranger of the group. I do have to pee, but I'm going to try to hold it in for the rest of the recording. The rock and roll ranger of the group? No, I mean, he met Glenn now. Now he's getting some of the vibes rubbed off him. Yeah, he and Glenn really hit it off. Yeah.
I think in his mind they did. Taylor's teen fact for this week, irrespective of we don't know which way this is going to be a buck wild episode. I'm feeling my fucking bones. I don't know which way this episode is going to go. However, I would just like to establish canonically that Taylor's never seen an anime adaptation or the Pixar movie onward.
That's all. Specifically, anything that might happen with a father figure with a father figure with severed legs. It's new. It's all new. I don't know where it didn't make it, huh? It didn't make the canon. Classic. Also, it didn't make it in real life. The dinosaur did. Weird. But, you know, that's
That's all I got. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the school at home soccer kid, protective paladin of the group. Super simple fact about Lincoln. I just realized that I said brunch was his favorite meal. I don't think I ever said what his favorite snack is. And he is a snacky boy. He does love. He does not love Charleston Chew's, though. His favorite snack. And he's been on withdrawal of this for a while because he's right now with ranch dressing. Nope. Spaghetti. Nope. Chocolate covered.
espresso beans. He is hyped up all the time. This explains so much time. He loves it. He doesn't like coffee, but he's been such a cranky little boy. He's a little cranky now. He's been out of that caffeine. He needs that caffeine. He doesn't know that he's addicted to caffeine, but he's very, he also has a headache right now. Very bad headache. Yeah.
He's been taking a lot of naps and he has a huge headache all the time. You know how you have those little, like, Freddie has one, like a little thing on your keychain to hold pills? Yeah. Stop, stop, stop. Freddie does it for other reasons. Hard stop. I need to clarify. That is for my earplugs because places can get loud and hearing damage is permanent. What you said there, Matt, makes me sound like I'm a fucking user. Lactate or anything. Freddie, this is 2023. People have anti-anxiety pills in their little pill thing. People got non-drugs in their waterproof container. Freddie's gonna lie to the party.
drugs with his ear. Oh, yeah, whatever you got, use those earplugs at the loud library, you fucking liar. Go to raves. And
Anyways, espresso beats. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal. I'm a perpy, peppy, pippy, chirpy, chippy, scoopy, doopy, doopy, doopy school spirit mascot. Oh, he had a stroke. He's down. Will's down. Fun fact about normal this week. I think I mentioned that he's only on Pinterest. That's his only social media. He does follow, like, Pinterest is really big with those return guys that have, like, the fucking Greek statue fucking avatars. They're like, I'm the cultural critic or whatever. Do you guys know this? No. I'm doing a reference for nobody. What are you talking about?
the secret white supremacist the fucking losers on true i was like well this is what they took from you yeah but then there's like the low-key ones who are like you know like oh well like you know remember when buildings used to have columns oh yeah yeah like they used to do renaissance paintings so like everyone follows a lot of those guys on pinterest but like now their whole return thing is like about like returning to like when men look like k-pop stars like oh nice because it's like the timeline's moved up so you know normal's like man things
And all the fascism goes right over his head. He's just like, that's kind of fun. Old school aesthetic. I could get into that. Maybe I should have made normal the one getting indoctrinated by. No joke. When we were doing the pizza stuff thing, if you had gone in a more Warhammer direction with like Papa John's, I was going to have normal. So I'll think be like, these uniforms are great.
Look, they're marching with such perfect order. Oh, wow. Meeting your mom, I feel like normal would be susceptible to joining a group. Let's hear him out. Joining a group and then also moving in rigid lockstep to music, that's more fascist than not fascist. Not listening to them is kind of its own form of fascism. Wow.
I'm Beth May, susceptible to cults in real life, and I play Scary Marlow, who is a goth... No, she's scary again. She's not booed. Yeah, she's scary. She just kept fireball. Yeah, I can't boo. Who is a goth punk seeker of darkness who's not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary this week is that up until like...
six, seven months ago, maybe a year at the outer reaches of time. Okay. For the last, like, year or so, all...
All of her teachers' comments at the bottom of the report card have been exactly the same for every teacher. Before that, they used to kind of vary like, oh, Scary doesn't do well in math, but she's a good listener. Or, oh, Scary needs to not, you know, speak up so much.
because she is very opinionated, but otherwise a pleasure to have in class. But now they all just say a pleasure to have in class because there's definitely some sort of violent coercion going on with the teachers from Scary. She's definitely threatening them in some capacity. You're saying that Scary is compromise on every teacher? Every teacher. She finds their alt accounts. That's what you're saying. She knows all the teachers' alt accounts. Yep. They're all about statues being cooler, bad.
Can I do some personal promo too? Yeah, of course. I, Beth May, not scary. I have a poetry album coming out. It's going to be coming out like three days after you hear this episode. So it's April 14th and it's called Sunday Scaries. No relation to my character in this podcast, but yeah,
It's a cool little poetry album. I've been working really hard on it for a long time, and I'm so excited about it. You can get it on any. Yeah, really quick. What is a poetry album? So I do spoken word, which is like poetry, but you say it because you're obnoxious. And then it's also got like some cool music. I've been working with this producer, Blaine Stark, and he's amazing. He's a hip hop producer. You have to be with a name like Blaine Stark.
I mean, yeah, he's great. And I think it sounds really unique for a spoken word album. And a spoken word album is just a poetry music album. So you've been working on this album for a while. A while. Yeah. And yet you've only been playing scary for a couple of years. That's true. And you did name your character scary. I did. So it seems like this could be long con cross promotion. You're right. You're right. She's just trying to get money for daddy stuff without involving it.
Yeah, you're just trying to like, we should be getting a cut of that album. That's what I'm saying. No, it just means that you should release a fucking Normal Oak poetry album. And plus, it's going to be like on all streaming platforms, which means I'm not going to get like basically any money for it. So it'll be...
fine but like whatever you can be on title what's that jay-z jay-z's streaming music platform title listen if i can get there via distro kid i'm sure that it will be there you can be on jeremy renner yeah i will be on the jeremy renner app as well that's sunday scary is coming out april 14th thank you so much
None of us have gotten advanced review copies yet. Just check your emails like tomorrow and then just leave me alone. Beth didn't ask for a blur, but I did give her one and I didn't see it on your Instagram post. So I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey dad. So I guess this is not a,
dissimilar from the promotion that we just heard, but I've realized that if the EGOT exists, then its inverse must also exist. And I think I'm well on my way to getting that. And so the inverse EGOT is you have to have written in four different culturally despised art forms and then not win an award for any of them. So I believe that in my opinion, that is, that is video games, podcasts, podcasts,
Porn. Okay. Despise, sure. Comics. Comics. Video games, podcasts, porn, and comics. I thought you were going to say like YouTube. No, no, no, no. He made people not blind again. His culture loves that. But yeah, so somebody reached out being like, hey, how do I write in video games? And he said that like, oh, I write gay porn right now. I would like to maybe, you know, trade upwards and do video game stuff. And I was like, I will tell you literally everything you need to know if you tell me everything about gay porn. And we
And we talked a little bit about it. And then I basically ended the conversation by being like, hey, if your boss ever needs like, you know, somebody to just give you a script for free. And he was like, okay, I'll ask him. And his boss was like, yeah, hell yeah. I got a script I don't have to pay anybody. So I've written. Talk about working for exposure. Yeah. Hey. So I've written a script. They asked me repeatedly, what pseudonym would you like to use? I said, Anthony Burke. Oh, yes. You motherfucker. Oh my God. I love it.
So yeah, if it gets produced, I will let you know. I will link to it on my Twitter. Oh, I'm so excited about this. Yeah, me too. How long is the script? The script is eight pages. In the middle, there's a part that says they do the sex now. Oh. So it's like two. I didn't have to direct how they have sex. It was the context. That's actually the first thing I look at in the game. It is not dissimilar from running for video games. It's like, this is the setup. This is the payoff. And in the middle, ah. Gameplay. Gameplay. Gameplay. Gameplay. Gameplay.
So when we last left you, Scary was about to leave the group to go join Willy. But you, after kicking her out of the group, were like, wait a second, maybe we shouldn't let her go to go to Willy. And you tried to block her from leaving. And Scary lost her temper. Well, maybe not lost her temper. That makes it sound like she's hysterical. She's hysterical. Get on with yourself. The logical and much mulled over decision to cast Fireball at you at its highest level. And we didn't want to like just not.
let her leave. It was more like she is now the enemy. So we were like, she can't leave in the same way that if you're James Bond and like Alex Travelle or whatever is there like Travelle and God damn it. Alex is there. You got to stop it from getting to jeopardy. Yeah. We're like, no, we can't have like a competing spy trying to get that. This secret agent is about to get killed under my watch. Yes. James Bond. Correct. Um,
Also, what happened was Taylor and Nick had come up with a plan to strand Scary in the International Space Station by opening a portal. Which, on paper... On paper is a very good idea. But Scary, quite reasonably, second-guessed your plan, realized that it was a portal heading to the International Space Station, hit Nick with poison mist, and Nick...
accidentally knocked his head on the inside of the International Space Station, caused a crack in the window, and when unconscious, was caused his portal to close and bisect him. He's a demon, so he may not be dead. He may be dead. Who knows? Either way, no one on Reddit is going to like it. Gotta love all the bisexual representation on this. You're on top of these puns. Wow, William! You've been missing out on fuck puns this whole season. Ha ha ha!
Oh, also, everybody has leveled up because you broke the second anchor. I forgot to mention that last episode. So you were leveled up again. We leveled up off camera, off mic. Sometimes we do prep not while the cameras are running. It's rare. Obviously, we're in combat now because Scary cast Fireball. Before we do initiative, everyone who's near Scary, it's within 150 feet. So I assume that's basically the whole house. Yeah, that's the house.
150 feet. Well, sorry, the range for hitting somebody is 150 feet. The blast damage is not 150. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. I apologize. I misunderstood. No, no. She cast it from, you know, three feet or whatever. The radius is 20 feet. Now, is this like Goldeneye rockets or is this like the new Counter-Strike 2 where the smoke like, you know, doesn't go through walls and stuff? Because Goldeneye 20 feet would be like around. What the fuck are
you asked. I completely understand what you're saying. Yes. In Goldeneye, if you were hiding behind the small solid object, there would be no blast damage you would take from anything that happened on the other side of that wall. Whereas in Counter-Strike, you can get hurt by splash damage from walls. The fire spreads around corners. It ignites flammable objects. Oh, there you go. So it will spread around corners. Which way was scary facing the door? I was facing the red vines and I was covering them up with my body. No.
I was standing in front of the door and Scary was looking at me. Nobody else had come to the door. So like she's throwing the fireball at me. So like if Scary doesn't get hit, you wouldn't get hit because your folks were behind her. Unless Scary cast it backwards at us. I feel like Scary will get hit. I don't feel like Scary was 20 feet away from you when she did this. No. So what I'm going to do is first, Matt, you're going to roll a dexterity saving throw.
14. Yeah, so you save. Okay. Okay, so you are going to take 5d6. 5d6. 5d6 damage. The blast is going to hit Scary as well. So Scary, go ahead and give me a dexterity saving throw. 23. Ooh, okay. So both of you are going to take 5d6 fireball damage. The fire is going to blow back against the walls. Backdraft, if one might. I'm going to roll... No, that's not a backdraft. I know, I know it's not. I'm going to roll constitution for the walls to see if they get...
Ooh, the wall's got a two. So the walls are going to explode outward as well. Flaming bits of drywall. Flaming asbestos everywhere. Flaming asbestos and drywall. Will, popcorn ceilings? Oh, I mean, it's got shag carpet in a den with a lazy boy. I feel like popcorn ceilings is a good idea. Oh, I didn't realize shag carpet, you picked the most flammable possible...
Set up for this thing. Taylor and Normal, you're both behind walls. Debris is coming at you, so you're also going to give me some dexterity saving throws. Mamma mia. But you will take reduced damage even if you do. Where are we? The living room, right? I feel like you have like a... We're always behind scary, right? Like running to like scary, wait, no. Scary absorbs all my damage.
Okay, so you're behind, Scary, then, in which case, yeah, you're close enough to get hit. I figured the conflict was, like, in the living room, and then there's a little entryway for the door. We were in the entryway. That makes sense. We're still in the living room. I got a 16. 12 plus 4, 16. Okay, so everybody is going to take 5d6 damage because you all saved. The house is now also on fire. The fire is spreading across the shag carpet. You hear a scream from upstairs, which is your mother. Mom!
Where's Hermie? Oh, yeah. Hermie should save. Hermie, save. Hermie, save. Save 16. He's fine. He takes 20 damage as well. Hermie's like, you guys only remember me when it's time to get hit. Yeah. I took 16. 21. God. I got 22. 15. Now we are going to roll initiative. Scary. You did the most damage to yourself. That's how anger works. I'm telling you something. How thematic. I wonder if that's thematically relevant.
I got a 14 initiative. Initiative. I got an 11. 21. Taylor, 12 plus one, 13 initiative. I will roll for Hermie, the unworthy. Got an eight, so he's going to be going last. And I will roll for Mama Oak, Garcia Swallows. Ooh. Mama Oak's in the battle. Who came to the rescue of the dads in season one with, like, the guns?
That was Mercedes and Carol. Carol was the one who brought the guns. No, I do feel like Lark probably has a bunch of guns John Wick stashed around this house, and she probably knows where they are. Damn. Like John Wick, he's 60 and super slow and doesn't look good when he's shooting. Oh, the beat I sprinkled for that! It's been fucking sprung! Matt loved John Wick. Matt loves the John Wick universe so much!
You keep telling me you can't talk about it on the podcast. Spin, spin, shoot, shoot. The JWC. The JWC. Wow, I attended that university. Okay, so normal, it is your turn. You go first. I've been wanting to do this for fucking five episodes in a row. If I'm going to do it, no kids stopping. Normal cast banishment on scary. Okay. Doesn't this last like one second? It lasts one minute, just like me. Okay. I'm concentrating, just like the spell. Wow.
You last one minute with your costume. Roughly a three-punk jump. Aw. You attempt to summon a creature you can see within range of another plane of existence, just like I do when I'm having sex. This creature, they must succeed on a charisma-saving throw or be banished, just like me, after I come too soon. If your target is native to the plane of existence, you banish the hard to get to a harmless demi-plane. So she has to make a charisma-saving throw. All right, go ahead, do that. Come on.
And what do I have to beat? A 14. Ooh, a 15. Normal goes, get out!
out of here, scary! And I do like a Hadouken to banish you to another realm, and then I guess it just ripples ineffectually. Oh, banish me? You want me to go? Yeah, I want you to go! You suck! You're blowing my house up! How many houses are you gonna fuck up? Oh, wow. Well, I don't know. This house is on fire, so I might just, you know, go outside, hang out with my pal. So it is your mom's turn. Mom! Your mom is going to... Mom, my friend blew up the house! Cole!
I will! Your mommy is going to grab a fire extinguisher and try to attack the flames with them. And she's going, oh, oh, my sweet baby boy, get away from the, stop at Upper Wall if you get, oh, God, she got a nine. Oh, sorry, somebody left a can.
So Mama Oak Garcia Swallows is going to attack the fire a little bit and do a bit of damage, but it is still going to keep spreading around her. It spreads into the kitchen now. And you can hear from outside, the law enforcement agents go, Hey, what's going on? We see fire. What's going on, guys? Oh, look, fire. Come on. What do you mean? Come on. Do something about it. We should, but didn't Link kill a bunch of firemen?
Oh, shit. That's great. Just a staring 1,000-yard stare. Law enforcement hears you talking about fire department and went, oh, great, fire department. Okay, we're calling the fire department. They're coming. They're on their way. Thanks to Freddie, canonically, he's established that they are the worst fire department in the entire city. If you remember, because I wanted the fire department to come, and Freddie was like, oh, they take 20 minutes or something. Listen, what Dungeons and Daddies takes away in the form of a player saying something about a fire department, it gives in the form of your DM telling you that Red Vines is equivalent to a long run.
But Scary's definitely holding on to the red vines right now. So Mama's turn ends and Scary, you notice you feel a power coming into you from outside. And as long as you are connected to Willie, which you currently are, he is going to basically turn you into a sort of legendary monster in terms of you will be able to take a legendary action, additional legendary action on your turn after somebody else's turn. And you get one legendary resistance for the whole fight.
Well, that's nice. So yeah, you can take two turns during this entire go and you get to choose when you do it. Oh, also on your extra turn, you can do anything below a fifth level spell. Matt, well, don't worry. Beth doesn't know how to play D&D. I know. Yeah. Freddie, that really hurt my feelings. I don't think it did. That really hurt. I don't think it did.
La la la la. I got my fingers in my ears. I don't think it did. Well, why don't you just use your little earplugs that you bring with you? Oh! Oh! Oh! You're medicinal.
Taylor, roll a constitution saving throw. Taylor's got me to roll the 17 plus 320. Okay, Taylor could handle what Freddie could not. Matt, it is your turn. Dude, I know this is serious because I'm looking over Matt's shoulder right now across the room and he's got the fucking D&D spells up and that right thumb is a-scrolling. You know what I'm saying, Will? You know what I'm saying, dog? He's hunting for some stuff.
spells dog he's like a fucking wizard in a tower leaping through some codexes right now my dude laughing
Fucking Gandalf right into that library. Gandalf's in that library. The fucking, the camera's moving all weird and Dutch and shit as he like reads books out hard. And just like Gandalf, I'm going to stare at scary and say, I hold my turn. Oh, okay. When did he do that? I think Gandalf did nothing but hold his turn in those fucking movies. BRB, I got to go to the library. BRB, I got to fall down this fucking volcano. BRB, I'm in a big tower now. Yeah.
Now it is Taylor's turn. Taylor takes one look at his dad's severed legs and thinks that, like, Scary killed his dad. He's going all out. I think he's going to cast Zephyr Strike and attack Scary from behind. Okay. Is he going to say Zephyr Strike all fun like he normally does? Dude, no. Dude, no. That's how you know it's real, dude. You had one good conversation with your dad, so now you care. Yeah.
Yeah. Listen, Taylor's got allegiances, you know? Mm-hmm. If Taylor moves like the wind, until the spell ends, my movement doesn't provoke opportunity attacks. I give myself advantage on one attack roll on your turn once before the spell ends. Deals an extra 1d8, which I assume I can just do that right now, right? It's his energy above his action. I don't see why you wouldn't. Okay, so I'm going to Zephyr Strike, and then I'm going to short sword Scary. Okay. I get a 13 plus 4, 17. That will beat Scary's AC. And then 3 plus 3, 6. Okay.
Okay. And then also for Zephyr Strike, I get a 1d8 addition, so that's another 5. So 11 damage is scary. Okay. Like, scary? What the fuck? Wow. And I swing the sword down, like, super hard, and I'm, like, clasping it, and I'm, like...
And like fucking cool metal music. It's like when Naruto fought Sasuke, dude. Right. That's a thing. Is that one? Did I get that right? I'm going to let you stew in it. All right, scary. It's your turn. Oh, Taylor, that really hurt. Oh man. Like you, you wouldn't believe how much this hurt. Don't care. Oh, I wish you could feel it. I wish you could feel it. I cast vampiric touch.
Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Chime. Ding dong. It's expensive. Ding dong, motherfucker. Chime's at your fucking door. We're here. Open the fuck up. This is Chime. Open up. Open up. I'm getting swatted by Chime. Swatted with savings. The Chime checking account helps you reach your financial goals while still enjoying your summer. Take back your finances with features like fee-free overdraft with up to $200 with SpotMe or getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit.
Chime is one of the financial institutions with a little sense of community because they got a lot of referral features. So you can get temporarily increased overdraft limits with boosts from friends. You can give your friends boosts. You get fee-free overdrafts of the $200 your next deposit applies to your balance. Get spotted with debit card purchases and cash withdrawals. No monthly fees or maintenance fees. Over 60,000 fee-free ATMs. To date, Chime has spotted members over $20 billion. Eligible members get complimentary boosts to temporarily increase a friend's spot me limit.
And when you give a boost, they could boost you back. It's just like mutual boosting, dog. It's called docking. Set up direct deposit into your Chime account. After a qualifying direct deposit of $200 or more, Chime will notify you to enroll in SpotMe. And then when you get an activated debit card, Chime will spot you up to your limit when you exceed your balance. Chime never charges fees or interest for using SpotMe. And your next direct deposit is applied to your negative balance. Live it up this summer and make progress towards your financial goals with Chime. Open up your account in minutes at Chime.com slash daddies. That's Chime.com slash daddies. Chime. Feels like Prague.
grass here we go Freddie Wong coming down the pipe with the bank and a fucking whatever the little thing the disclaimer here he goes banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Strive Bank NA members FDIC spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply boosts are available to eligible Chime members enrolled in spot me and are subject to monthly limits terms and conditions apply go to chime.com such disclosures for details
Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, whey, whey, whey. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.
You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Not guaranteed. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo you got me. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.
We did the hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy... Well, it's shaped like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.
and tidying up. It can be hard to find creative ways to keep children engaged, challenged, and off those screens. KiwiCo does that legwork for you so you can spend quality time tackling projects together. Something, by the way, for kids of all ages. No commitment. You can pause or cancel any time. Redefine learning with play. Explore projects that build confidence and problem-solving skills with KiwiCo. Get 50% off your first month on any crate line at KiwiCo.com with promo code DADDIES.
That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code daddies.
The touch of your shadow wreath's hand can siphon life force from others to heal your wounds. Make a melee spell attack against a creature within your reach. On a hit, the target takes 3d6 necrotic damage. It's actually 5d6 because you're higher level. 5d6 necrotic damage, and you regain hit points equal to half the amount of necrotic damage dealt. I'd like to see you try to hit me. 25? Is that, does that hit? Hey, hey Freddy, does that, does that hit? It's like so hard. It's mid monologue, it's like,
Come on. I see you're trying to cast a spell. One, two, three. All right. So you're going to take... Can I say what it is? You can always say what it is. It's like that thing in... Do you remember Temple of Doom when they like... Onam Shiba! Onam Shiba! Yeah, he's like putting the hand and then the fingers go into the chest. Yeah. She's got this like slash across her back and you see it seal up and then you see it open on you. Do you know what I mean? No, that's fine. That's very cool. It's temporary. So how much damage does it do? You're going to take 5d6 necrotic. Oh, fuck.
16 damage. And sorry, really quick. What is necrotic damage? It's just for if you're susceptible to certain kinds of damage. It doesn't do anything special on its own. It's like a gluten allergy. Yeah, pretty much. So I get eight hit points back? You get eight hit points back. Wow, I did it right. I'm going to take my extra turn. Okay, go ahead. I'm going to cast Blur on myself. Okay.
Okay. Your body becomes blurred. Literally, you could hear two synapses firing in sync from across the room. Both of your synapses. It's like two people piloting one really dumb Yeager.
Your body becomes the band blur, shifting and wavering to all who can see you. For the duration, any creature has disadvantage on attack rolls against you. For a minute. What is it, concentration? Yeah. So she can't cast anything else while she's doing it. She cannot cast another concentration spell. Oh.
- Oh, I see, okay. - Right now you have disadvantage on all attack rolls against her unless you have true sight. I don't think any of you do. - Can't just say just friends here in the room. It's just so nice to continually be learning about D&D as we continue. - I mean, I think so. - Yeah. - It's nice. It's just like a lifelong pursuit. There's one D&D. - We're not just players, we're also students. - We're students. - And we're always learning. - Students of the game. - So it is Hermie's turn unless you would like to take your turn, Link. - And I'll wait to see what Hermie does. - Heal me, Hermie! - Okay, Hermie goes, and he runs up the stairs.
and you do not see him. He just ran? He just used his full move to sprint up the stairs because he is panicked seeing all the people that he likes fighting one another. He says that. He goes, I'm panicked. All you guys are fighting one another and I like you all. You like me a lot? I like most of you. He runs up. He runs upstairs and out of the scene for now. Normal roll perception.
I got a 14. Okay. You can see that after Hermie ran up the stairs, there's something on the stairs behind him. A small thing, like a small, like size of a credit card. So that is the end of the initiative order. If you want to go, Matt, now would be the time or you lose the turn. Yes, I will go. Link is obviously slightly burning because the fireball hit him. He's not bloodied yet, though, so he's okay. Has all the clothes burned off of Link? No, no. Most of them, though. Whatever looks cool, that's what is happening. Okay, okay, okay.
He looks at everything that's happened so far, and he's going to move past Scary towards you, Taylor. Okay, you're going to take an opportunity attack. Okay, well, she can attack me then. On the way, before I cross her, though, I just look at Scary, and I say, I say you're going to have to kill me. I'm not going to hurt you. And I do lay on hands on Scary. Wow! To heal however much she has left. Oh!
Cool. So how much do you have left? I have 40 lay on hands. Oh, wow. Okay. So you're back up to full health. Scary. And then how much I have left? Cause I'll use that on Taylor later. You are minus.
33, I think. I look at Taylor and I go, don't worry, I got a little something extra for you too. Link, what are you doing? Link, what are you doing? So she can attack me, but I say, yeah, I say, you're gonna have to kill me, but I'm not gonna. So you heal her first and then you walk past her. Matt, watch the passion of the Christ. Does Mrs. Swallow's Oak Garcia have any like neat knickknacks, trinkets, like this pottery shelf or anything like that? Yeah, absolutely. Like, what does she have? I think she's got icons of every single religion. Yeah.
I think she's got a new ones. Yeah. Yeah. Even the new ones. She's got like a, something she got off Etsy, which was like a donkey and an elephant, like holding hands, like arms around each other's shoulders. Like we can't coexist. She's probably also got a lot of cats. She's got a sign that says coexist and a hands coming out. And then another sign that says we can't coexist. And those two things are so fucking good. That's so fucking good.
Why can't those two sides come together? That one is as big as a sword and it's on the wall. Fuck, that's so good, dude. The family crest. We need to make that merch. That's so good. That's so insane.
I think if there's like religious iconography, scary grabs, like a statue that's for like Scientology 2. Maybe it's like a volcano, but it's like more people this time. It's Tom Cruise jumping the volcano in a motorcycle. Oh, thanks, Link. By the way, we can't coexist. She hits him with, I'm just going to do a like a melee attack. Okay. Oh, fuck. A natural 2024. Good job.
All right, well, you only did a, you know, it was an arm. That's a crit though, right? It is a crit, so it's going to be double the normal damage, but your normal damage with this is going to be like a three. Three.
And six. Okay, so you take nine damage, Link, as the hot, hot, hot tip of the volcano, specifically the little Xenu coming out of it that, like, really drags a scratch across. It's so chibi. It scratches a scratch against your cheek. It's actually Z2. Oh, yeah. It's like X2. It's like X2. Yeah, Mutants United. I go, oh! Nope. I told myself, I'm not going to go down to your levels, Gary. And I really...
I'm like tearing up. It's like, these aren't from sad. These are from you hit my nose. And also the tears get into the cut and they make up stink. The extra hurts. All right. It is normal's turn again. Normal moved by this beautiful display from his one-time best friend Link. The coexist mark has embedded on my cheek. When you release it, you see it. No, it's a volcano, man. It just says code. I am going to do two things. One, I'm going to cast Healing Word.
Okay. So this is a bonus action, which is what's nice about healing. How long does it take to cast? It's like just one bonus action? Yeah, it casts instantly, just like me when I'm prematurely ejaculating. Perfect. Well, are you okay? Anyone want to talk about the group? We can talk after. All right, so Link heals for 15. Ooh.
I'm going to cast Death Ward on Link. You touch a creature and grant it a measure of protection from death. The first time the target would drop to zero hit points, this target instead drops to one hit point and the spell ends. So I grab Link. I'm like, I get you, dude. I got your back. He does not. Now it is Mrs. Garcia Swallows' turn. She's going to see that the fire is raging out of control. I guess she's going to try to kick open the back door.
of the house. She succeeds. There are a bunch of, you know, ATF agents and FBI guys there, a bunch of people with guns. Just using her grill and shit. Yeah, they're just chilling. They're going down the slide and she's going to try to persuade them. Does that seem from Taken when they're just grilling and talking about how much she loves his daughter? Yeah. All right, she's going to try to persuade them to let her out. I would hate if she were Taken. I would hate it.
Ooh. She literally rolled a 14 to persuade them and they rolled a 15 to not be persuaded. So they're going to be like, get back inside, get on the ground, get back inside, get on the ground. And she's like, I don't, there's a fire going on. You can see it. Get back inside. And she goes, I'm having a real hard time giving you guys the benefit of the doubt. Now it is. But I will. But I will. I'm doing it. I will. So she gets on her belly and then moves backwards. She gets inside and gets on the ground. It is Link's turn. I look at Taylor and...
and I act like I'm going to do lay on hands. I said I wouldn't kill you or hurt you, but it doesn't mean I can't grab you. I'm going to try to grapple. I'm scary. Okay. It feels like an opposed. It's because I have grappling pins. I can use your action to try to pin a creature by making another grapple check. If you succeed, you and the creature are both restrained until the grapple ends. Okay. So you are going to make an athletics check, and you are going to oppose scary with acrobatics.
I got a 13. I got a 10. Okay, so you're grappled, sounds like. And I'm like, I wasn't moving. I was going to stay here until I kill you. Oh, well, now I'm on top of you, so please, you're like, yes, I just sit on top of her. Great. So both you and Scary are now restrained. Taylor, it is your turn. Now, does her being restrained... It means she cannot move. Her speeds become zero. Does that cancel out the effect of the blur? No. No. She's not blurry because she's moving fast. She's blurry because it's like...
But it probably can't stop because you know what I'm talking about? You look at her and you're like, it probably does cancel out because I think if you're grappled, isn't like disadvantage on evasion. I'm morally blurry. A shrieking creature's speed becomes zero and it can't benefit from any bonus to its speed. Attack rolls against the creature have advantage and a creature's attack rolls have disadvantage. This creature has a disadvantage on dexterity saving throws. So the advantage and the disadvantage cancel each other out and you can just attack her normally. So Taylor's going to stumble like, yeah,
if i know anything about you you'll have something in here and i'm gonna rummage through the pockets of nick just give me a luck roll just roll d20 10 all right so the 10 you find one item okay roll again if it's above 10 it's damaged if it's below 11 it's gonna be defensive 13 so 13 it is a weapon which means i'm gonna very quickly go to our patreon submission one i'm gonna pick a random well maybe not a random one one hopefully is not oh holy shit can i get the sword of animus from burt n well it's got to be that yeah it was a birthday present for
to do it. Yeah, Nick was going to buy it and give it to you. At Hellmaw. Oh no. So Freddy has grabbed an item called the Sword of Animus made by Bert and thank you Bert and this is the description for the sword. The sword takes the appearance of a wooden bokan slash katana. A strange animated energy surges through the sword. The wielder may use their modern knowledge of anime to unleash this sword's killing potential. The sword transforms into an anime main protagonist weapon or final attack.
It deals 4d12 damage is like way too much. So we'll say 2d12. That's fine. 2d12. The restrictions are the wielder must accurately describe the main protagonist's attack or weapon. The wielder must accurately repeat the main protagonist's catchphrase or attack name. And the wielder must accurately portray the main protagonist's movements and demeanor. Failure to follow these restrictions causes the sword to explode, dealing 1d12 of damage to the wielder. So.
So every time you do this... Does it have like a little bow wrapped around it because he was getting this from Taylor? It's a little bow and it has one of those gift tags on it. Taylor just starts crying. Great. Ooh.
So what I'm gonna say as well is that every time you use it the weapon has a turn new to a different anime protagonists weapon Oh, that's fun. That's fair. So each time you're gonna have to still do those things correctly. Yeah Alright, so you've got that weapon now scary. I think scary sees Taylor crying and is like oh, it's so hard to not have a dad
isn't it? Nobody's ever survived. Oh, how are you going to get by? I'm making this really hard to protect you, scary. Oh, is that what you're doing? You're protecting me? I guess. No. No, I'm protecting myself. Why do you care? I do and don't. I don't, okay? Why do you care? Just do whatever it is you're going to do. I cast charm person on Mrs. Swallows O'Garcia. Oh, no. She's so easy to charm. She trusts everybody. Oh,
All I literally had to do was like, hey, get this guy off me. All right. That's what you're going to say? Yeah. Okay. So she's going to make a wisdom saving throw. Okay. She fails. She got a nine. So she turns around and she sees you. You say, get this guy off of me. She is charmed by you until the spell ends or until your companions do anything harmful to her.
but you don't have any companions now, so it's fine. She regards you as her friendly acquaintance, and when the spell ends, she knows she was charmed. So yeah, she turns and she sees the kid who broke her door, spread piss all over her house, and refused to let this girl go, sitting on top of the girl who was seemingly pretty normal. And she goes, I can't with this! You gotta get off that girl! Get off that girl! And her next turn, she's gonna do something about that. Now it is either the end of the initiative order, or Scarry, you can take another turn, or Hermie's gonna do something upstairs.
I grab Link's foot and I cast Frostbite.
Let's see you make varsity now. All right. So frostbite. You cause numbing frost to form on one creature that you can see within range. The target. Oh, I thought it was just one of their limbs. The target. I guess that wouldn't make much sense. The target must make a constitution saving throw on a failed save. The target takes 1d6 cold damage and has disadvantage on the next weapon attack roll it makes before the end of its next turn. Okay. I'm 12th level. So it's 3d6. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, my constitution save was a natural one. All right. So you,
You grab Lincoln Lee Wilson's foot and ice cold vapor sort of begins to swirl around your hand as you angrily grab onto this dude's foot. And his entire foot freezes up, poorly trying to stay on one foot. He doesn't know what to do. He puts his foot down. It like slips because it's so wet and he falls into the fire. Oh, God. 16. So now neither of you are restrained.
Now are you at the top of the initiative again? Normal. So Link is not grappling you anymore, right? Correct. So you're asking about mom? Yeah. Mom was not commanded to do a thing like with command. She just now regards Scary as a friendly acquaintance and wants to protect her. Oh, shit. Okay. In that case, Normal just glares at Scary and says, you leave my mom out of this!
I'm going to cast Calm Emotions. You attempt to suppress strong emotions in a group of people, each humanoid in a 20-foot radius sphere centered on a point you choose must make a charisma saving throw. A creature can choose to fail a saving throw if it wishes. You can suppress any effect causing a target to be charmed or frightened.
Okay. What is the save number? It's a 14 and it would be normal's mom that makes the save, not scary. Correct. So I'm using this to basically turn off scary as charm. Oh, so you're not casting it at scary? No, I'm casting it at my mom. Oh, cause that would kill scary. Okay. So strong emotion. Okay. She only rolled a 12. So she does not save. So you do calm her emotions down. What do you say to calm your mom? Try to see it.
both ways. She lit the house on fire. Yeah, just remember we can coexist with non-coexistence. The paradox of intolerance isn't real. Her eyes narrow and she takes her assault rifle from off her back and she goes, you both make good points. It's an assault rifle but it's only loaded with letters to your conqueror.
So she's going to say, everybody stop. Both of you stop. She's pointing the gun. It's scary. And then kind of just vaguely in the general direction of everybody. And she's like, we got to get out of here. The fucking place is on fire. Let's go. Can any of you talk to the FBI guys outside? The cops or whatever? They won't let us out. We got to go. And they're going to shoot us if we try to leave. Oh, no.
Oh, no. I got a thing I want to do. Turn on all the water faucets you can find. Okay. And she's going to run off and do that in the kitchen, dodging the fire. She's going to roll to avoid the fire. It is wasteful. Oh, no. This house went green. We only wash with sand like birds do. Okay. So every room she's going to enter, she's going to have to roll to save against the fire. She rolled a three as she entered the kitchen, so she's going to take a D8 of damage from the fire. She takes four damage. She just sent your mom into a flaming kitchen. Yeah.
You're like, mom, come with us. That's what you told her to do, go to, yeah. And turn on some faucets. I almost fell. I'm going to do it. I bet you there's a hose outside, bro. Where the cops are trying to shoot her. I bet you that's where you think women belong, huh? In the kitchen, Norm?
norm that is mama's turn she is on fire and just turned on the faucet come on fight back am i frozen frozen no just your foot is frozen frozen okay scary i already said i'm not gonna fight you just why not just go if you're gonna go go but you're not going you're staying here so clearly you want to go no you gotta fight back i'm bad why are you bad i just i just got i just just took your your your your your prize possession your little foot the thing that's gonna take you all
You've got a future. I don't. I don't have. What do you mean? I don't have a future. We were trying to save this future. And the only future I knew was with you three. You're my only friends. You're my friends. So I'm not going to fight you. Well, then I'm just going to have to kill you. Okay. I don't want to die. It's scary, but I don't, I'm not going to hurt you. I wish you would just know that there's three people that care for you. Like why? No,
No, why? Because you don't need a why, Scary. There's no why. You know, you love someone because you love someone. We love you. No, that's not how it works. If you love somebody, then you can't, like...
I can't do this. I can't do this. I got to get out of here. I got to get out of here. Fine. I'm just going to use my action. I'm not going to grapple. I go, okay, look, scary. I just, you know what? I don't even care. I just needed a friend and I don't know. I don't know what you're going through, but you know, my, my dad always said you can't love somebody unless you love yourself. Right? Well, last time I asked him if he loved himself, he, he doesn't. So,
I don't know. So like, maybe he doesn't love me either. And you seem to know what that's like. And you're my friend. You're dealing with these things. And I'm just here. I just, I don't know. I don't love myself either. I don't know. But like, I know that more people will die if we can't do this together. And you're the only person like in this group. I mean, you guys are, I mean, look, you can go. I'm not going to stop you. You go if you want to go. I'm done. And I just sit down. Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to go. I don't want to care anymore. So that was a link's turn. It is. Stand back up. If you're going to go fine, just, and I just go out for a hug. I hug scary, whatever. I don't know what you're going to go for a hug. I guess it's up to scary. If she wants to take the hug or not, just like real life, dude, she takes the hug. What does everybody see on scary space as she gets hugged?
Does she like return the hug or does she just sit there with her arms by her sides and gets hugged? I slowly pull out a katana. You see the face of someone grappled again. She lets herself be hugged and then she... Ah, oh no. And then she casts Eldritch Blast on Link.
Dojo's Dice is brought to you this week by MeUndies. Yarr! It's that time of year again when you want breathable, quick-dry, moisture-wicking, anti-odor technology around your gooch. Love it. You want it bad, and MeUndies has got it for you. Something for every guy this summer. Their fabric is breathable and comfortable, especially the ball caddy with its special pouch to help you avoid bat-winging. Bat-winging is when your testicles spread out across your sweaty thighs, by the way.
Any funny ball stories? They're asking us to tell everyone about our balls. Funny ball stories? I mean, one time I adjusted my pants and my balls squeezed together and hurt a lot. And I don't think that would have happened if I had a ball caddy. I've been packing a 100% MeUndies rig in my EDC. You carry your balls. Your balls are your everyday carry. That's right. I guess that's true. I am carrying them around every day. It's been great. On the tour bus, I haven't had to change my underwear once. No, that's not true.
I, you know, I tried to make a ball caddy for my non-MeUndies underwear, and now my nuts just hang out of my underwear. Oh, no. Fabric is breathable, stretchy, and comfy, making it ideal for all-day wear. And then, by the way, if you want even more breathable and summer-proof stuff, they got the Move Me line with Breathe fabric. Whoa, new, whoa, burying the lead. New MeUndies fabric drop, moisture-wicking, anti-odor technologies, the Breathe fabric.
responsibly sourced from sustainably sourced materials and with partners that care for their workers. Most people don't know that you breathe through your dick, so it's important to be able to breathe through your underwear. If you're not happy with your first pair of MeUndies, go on them. It's a little hole down there. It sucks up air. That's why I pass out every time I have sex. Every time, this is like when David Blaine was in that box and they were like, how's he breathing in there? He's breathing.
They didn't notice his dick was peeking out of the box. Just a little mushroom tipped up against the top of the box. There was a little hole they cut for his dick to breathe. It's a secret Kegel technique you have to learn to be able to draw in air through the tip of your penis. Summer's coming. Be prepared with MeUndies. Get 20% off your first order, plus free shipping at MeUndies.com slash dungeons. That's MeUndies.com slash dungeons for 20% off, plus free shipping. MeUndies. Comfort from the outside. In.
Man, this girl fucked up. Okay. A beam of crackling energy streaks towards a creature within range. Make the ranged spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target takes 1d10 force damage. The spell creates more than one beam when you reach higher levels. So three beams, just like Will.
When he comes. That's right. Three beams. Okay, I will say, it's a ranged spell attack, and he's right next to you, so you have to roll with disadvantage. Okay. Okay, that's an eight. Plus six, which is 14. What's your AC? I'm 13. Okay, so it still hits you, so you're going to take 3d10 damage. Each beam is 1d10? 5.
Yeah. I take 21. What's it going to take for this kid? I need no bell. Which means I am in death save. No, because you have my spell. Right. So you're down to one HP. You're down to one HP. Oh, okay. Yeah, I hang on and I say... Are you still hugging her? Yeah, I'm still hugging her. Yeah, boy. Three beams come through your body, dude. Yeah, they punch holes through your body and you're still standing. They just give up.
I don't know if I'm hugging you because I still care or just because my body hurts so bad that I can't move anymore. Just we can help you. We can talk to Willie. You can't help me. You can't. Okay. You can help me. I just pass out. I'm still holding on, but I pass out at one. Link? Link? Oh, um...
Yeah, you guys are going to be next if you don't let me out of here. All right, Taylor, it is your turn next. Normal, who's, where's Normal? What is he doing? I just sent my mom to go get lit on fire. You sent your mom into the flames. I'm watching my mom get lit on fire, and then I look, and I see Link and Scary, and I look at Taylor. I see Taylor next to the bisected legs of his dad, and I see what's going on. I see Scary about to crack, and I look at Taylor, and I gesture to hug. I'm like, you gotta, I'm like, you gotta get under. I point at Scary, I'm like, go like that.
You gotta join the hunt! Okay. I will when it's my turn, but you guys are my buddies! Taylor is going to... God, that's a tough one. I don't know if Taylor would. Emotionally fraught fight. Taylor, just a big blubbering mess, just snot running down his nose. I did that! I killed your dad! Oh, okay. Here's what Taylor's gonna do. His action is going to be...
to cut off his samurai top knot with a sword. Wow, no more honor. No more honor. I didn't know you had a top knot. It was under the pork pie hat the whole time. No, no, Matt. It's like very, very, very small. It's very small. It's not like a cool top knot. It's just like a little... In fact, right as this battle was starting, you tied it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Like, time to become a samurai. And then one minute later, you're like, I...
I'm going to hold my turn. I guess I'm not holding my turn. Well, I'm doing a thing, sort of, right? That's fine. That's just flavor. I was just going to ask what anime sword you were cutting your topknot with. Oh, no, this is Ashitaka cutting off his topknot. That's a little tanto or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And by the way, for those of you who've seen Prisoner of the Galaxy, go either way. You dropped me to this, Gary. It is Gary's turn now.
Wait, wasn't her turn striking me with Elder's Blast? That was her special turn that she gets her turn to hammer into a baddie. This is Gary's vanilla turn. This is Gary's missionary turn. Unlike how Will does it. Someday I'll last long enough to get into a mission. I'm going to go try to get the thing that Hermie left. I guess I'll just roll perception. Sure.
15. All right. So with the 15, you can see that it is just an ID badge of some sort. I pick it up. If you do that, you're going to have to walk past two people and take two opportunity attacks. Totally fine. Okay. Normal and Taylor, you may make basic melee attack against her while she is walking past. Can I make a hug of opportunity? Sure. Why not? Is Link still hugging or is Link followed over? He fell over. He passed out. No, I... Okay. You're like around her feet. My arms are locked. Like a backpack. Like a preppy sweater.
I guess I'm dragging Link. Normal runs in and hugs Scary and hangs on to Link and says, Scary, you are enough just as you are. I got 20. Okay, great. So Taylor, it is your turn for an opportunity attack.
I'm gonna try and trip scary. It's just gonna be a normal opportunity. A real anime star would just cut her in two even though his two friends were on it and just cut all three of us in half. I think scary says a real anime star. Sorry, sorry. I wish I knew more animes. What anime does somebody just hug instead of fight? The end of Monokai does that. Remember he takes a stab and he's like the world's ending around us. Also the end of Lone Wolf and Cub.
But in this anime, Taylor, he's going to see scary. He's going to see the body of his dad and the gift that his dad got him through teary eyes. He's going to say, okay. And then just punch scary in the stomach. Okay. Give me an attack roll. By the way, with this katana. Okay. Of course, being one punch man's fucking sketch phrase. Great. That's fun. So it turns the katana momentarily just into a fist. Big fist.
Four plus four, eight. You end up hitting a link on the back of the head with your big old fist. Blurry because of tears. Does it take one to eat? No, you don't think it was. I'm just joking around. Now you're in death's way. So you rolled the thing. You saw the ID. You still have an action. And you did your move. So I cast...
Deafness. You can blind or deafen a foe. Choose one creature that you can see within range to make a constitution saving throw. If you cast it third level or higher, you can target one additional creature for each slot level above second. So you can target everybody, basically. I'm going to target everybody.
And gas deafness. All right. So all of you make constitution saving throws, please. You're trying to beat a 13. Four plus three, seven. Five plus zero, five. Ooh, a four. All right. All of you are stricken deaf. What? Yep. So for a minute, for 60 rounds, you are... And what are we supposed to do? This will never get old. And then I put on the sleeping cap. All right. So we go into your mind. You fall instantly asleep. And Willie is there with you. He's like...
What's going on? Um, hey, yeah, sorry. I just wanted to ask you, if we don't do this, like, if we don't, like, defeat the doodler or whatever, like, I don't know, some people just live normal lives here and stuff like that, and they're chill and everything. Like, do you think that we could just...
Like, what if I don't do it? I'm going to have him roll perception because he's not generally one who cares about other people's feelings. But I'm going to roll perception to see if you can tell that something's like different with you. All right, so you got a 15. So he goes, are you okay? What's going on? Am I enough? Oh boy, enough. I mean, once you...
break the other anchors you will be right now you're not you're sort of incomplete you know we're all we're all works in progress right and your your work is to to finish breaking these these anchors once you do that then you'll be enough to be whole yeah yeah that's what I was thinking too I was thinking that yeah good so yeah get back to it well I was just um I know like we're in our like you know like my mind and stuff like that but I was just like wondering if I could like have a hug from who yeah I'm just
I was just from, from you, you know, like, Oh shit. That's funny. Okay. So yeah, we're friends again now. That's good. You, yeah, I was, I got, I flew a little off the handle there earlier, but like we're, we're tight again. That's great. Yeah. You can wake up now and you wake up. So during this time, can Taylor have made a move? Yeah, sure. Taylor is going to see that scary. He's decided to put on the cap. Yeah.
Rookie mistake. It's a rookie mistake to intentionally fall asleep during a fight. It is. It is. Taylor's going to get around... Excuse me, Link. And then Taylor's going to get behind... Well, Link is low. So Taylor's going to get up high and get scary, who cannot defend against this. She is...
asleep and standing. Right. So I'm going to say that again with the blur, they'll cancel each other out. So you get a normal attack, no advantage or disadvantage. I want to just get her into a rear naked choke and using the crook of my elbow, block the blood flow to her using, you know, for carotid artery and sleeper hold.
That's an attack roll? That's about as close of an attack roll. I mean, I still have one, so I'm going to, in my delirium, I sense that as a reaction, I'm going to do protection on Scary. I'm going to go, don't! And I'm going to cast protection, which means impose a disadvantage on attack roll. Why would you do that? Why would I stop you from killing Scary? This guy doesn't kill her, he just knocks her out. You just got to regulate the blood flow of the brains. I'll do it for four to six minutes. You know what? Link's been very clear on what he's doing this time. It's consistent.
Rear naked choke. I feel like you hear Taylor just say rear naked choke and go for it. And then you cast that projection spell. We don't know what's happening in there. She could be having a breakthrough. Go ahead and roll. Not if I have anything to do with it. All right, go ahead and roll an attack. That ain't going to fucking work. That's a natural one plus four or five. Ooh, woof. So what's a funny thing to happen for a natural one? He just winds up hugging her. Yeah, you're also hugging her now. That's great.
Everyone is now hugging her. You tripped. I get her into a hug, but clearly I just don't know what a proper rear naked choke is. I've only seen it in poorly drawn or whatever. Self-defense manuals. Yeah, the military self-defense manuals which only have two pictures and it's just two guys. What it looks like, what I think I am is I think I'm doing it and it's working, but it is just a rear naked hug. This is an awkward behind the
back hug. Yes, that's exactly what it is. But I think it's working. I'm like, all right, just got to hold this and then she'll be out like a light. Great.
Scary, you wake up to find all three people hugging you. One of them seems to be passed out. One of them seems to be grunting with some amount of effort. Smells really bad. One of them smells horrible. Scary's like, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. It's working. It's working. Wait, did we go all the way back up to normal? I feel like we just. Did you do Hermie? And also Mrs. Oak got lit on fire on her last turn. Right.
Right, right, right. Yeah, okay. So somehow it became Taylor's turn again. How did that happen? You said it was Taylor's turn. All right, that's my bad. Just for this. Well, Taylor held it. He just gave it. Yeah, that's what, you held your action. That's what it was. Okay, thank you. I remember now. Okay, so now it is normal's turn. Okay, seeing what's going on, I'm going to cast Mass Healing Word. Mass Healing Word. I haven't been to one of those in a while. The world is the Lord. So that is 1d4 plus 8.
So everyone is going to get 10 HP back. And I say, it's okay. It's going to be okay. I'm going to use my legendary resistance. Oh no! No, that's so sad!
No! Wow! Oh, God! That's great. Yeah, nothing heals scary. She just looks at you with... Yeah, everybody else can take the 10. That's fun. And my mom as well. Yes, your mom as well. I also as a bonus action, I say, Mom, forget the water! I don't have enough spells! She goes, Okay, I love you, honey! I love you, too! So it is your mom's turn. She's going to spend her turn stopping, dropping, and rolling. She rolls around, and she manages to extinguish the flames, but it takes her a whole turn. Stopping is an action, dropping is a movement, and rolling is a bonus action. Oh!
So I got 10. Scary. Did you just talk to Willie? I mean, what do you care? I mean, I don't, I just, I just asked. I mean, I look around. I mean, I care about everything. I talked to him. Okay. Well, like, what do you want to do? I don't know. I just want to stay here. That's okay. You can stay here. Yeah, that's cool. The house is on fire. I mean, we should probably put the fire out, but like, you can stay like, we want to, we just do it.
Dude, that guy sucks. He's mean. Like you read the book. He's a piece of shit. Who cares? He's a piece of shit, but I'm nothing. No, you're not. We love you. Okay. I don't know how to convince you of that. And I don't know what to say. That's going to help. That's going to make it better. But you're a teenage girl. God damn it. You matter. I mean, maybe you're nothing, but I'm nothing, but you're my friend and I could, I want to be your friend. So that's something like that can just be something.
And we can stop this house from burning down and, you know, have some more shots to... Yeah. And then in this moment, Taylor, hearing the word, you're just a teenage girl, something clicks in his head. He's like, ah, wait! And then Taylor pulls out his phone, speed dials his mom. Hey, Siri, call my mom. All right. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Hey, what's up? Hey, mom, are you still seeing that Willie guy? Yes. Well, he sucks. He's been talking to teenage girls in his spare time. Isn't that right, Scary? You're a teenage girl, right? Not like...
Yes, but you are a teenage girl. Honey, I understand it's always a hard thing when your mom starts dating again. No, I have no problem with the other side of it. I have a problem with that dude. He cut your ex-husband in half. He killed two people. He was directly responsible for two people. Look at this. FaceTime, Mom. All right, FaceTime. Oh, my God, your own body is on fire. Get out. Look, no, but look there. Who see that? What am I looking at? What? The legs of Nick. Oh, he goes, oh, oh, cut in half by the fire. That's Nick. That's my dad. What? What?
- No! - Well, he's responsible for it! Roll Persuasion with advantage.
Seven plus one, eight. With advantage? Yeah, I got six and a seven. So she goes, I mean. That's true, that's true. Hey, Mrs. Close, that's true. Look, guys, the mayor and all the doodlery stuff that's happening has messed with our minds a lot. So I'm sure Willie wouldn't do something like that. Like talk to teen girls in his spare time? It sounds like the teen girl just said it was a different thing. Hold on, teen girl. He told me he's mentoring somebody. Doesn't sound like mentoring to me. He's doing it in his sleep.
Honey, you're, get out of the flaming, I love you so much, we'll talk about this more, get out of that flaming building. I'm coming over. I look at Scarra, I say, that's what this guy does. He manipulates people. Like, he manipulated Taylor's mom. That's what's going on. He's just, they build a maze in your mind and just, because he knows, he knows,
He's a smart guy. He knows that you don't love yourself and he's stringing you along. I know. He doesn't care. That's why I like him. He doesn't care. Why is it so hard to care? And it's just, I just don't want to care anymore. Look, you don't have to care about me if you don't want. We can just hang out. Let's just do this thing. Yeah, let's just hang out. Just hang out in this burning building. You don't have to just hang out. Yeah. I mean, we'll put the fire out, but... I don't know. Just like the music you like. It's like always about how adults suck and stuff. So just like...
Yeah, everything sucks. So, I mean, but that guy sucks too. So like, he doesn't care, but like, if you don't want us to care, we don't have to care either. We can just hang and just do this thing and get this over with. We can not care together. Yeah. And everybody sucks. And if you want to tap out, if you don't want to be part of all this crate, look,
This is all my family's fault. Okay. I got to carry that, that this whole fucked up thing happened because of my family. So as far as I'm concerned, if you want out, you can be out and that's okay. You don't have to care. I don't expect that of you. You know, that is 100%. You're right. You can do whatever you want and you not caring about this doesn't make you a bad person. You know, you can just do whatever you want and that's okay. You don't have to do this. Oh, okay.
For a guy who said he doesn't care, there is a body count. There's two dead bodies here. This guy. Oh, that reminds me. So I'm going to cast speak with dead. Okay. And I'm going to cast speak with the dead on the legs in the living room. Okay. See if there is someone who's dead.
That's great. Yeah. So I'm like, hey, is there? Hello? And you don't hear anything. Dude, your dad's not dead. He's a demon, man. He got cut in half. But like that dude's lose his limbs like nobody's business. He probably fine. Like if I can't, he'd be able to I'd be able to talk to him right now. Taylor has a flashback of the last three episodes when he was just ahead. He goes, huh? Hmm.
And I put my hand on Taylor and I'm like, that's what I love about you, man. You and your dad, you're survivors, right? You make it work. We all make it work. We're all just confused, mixed up children in a burning house. We're just normal men. We're just normal men. We're just normal innocent teens, goddammit. We're trying our best. And like, I don't know if it's going to be good enough. And I don't know what the right thing to do is. But I'm telling you right now that whatever you want to do...
it's okay. And I still love you. Don't trust anybody who tells you what to do. I mean, I won't go that far depending on if you trust the person, you know, but you get the idea. I don't have to care. Yeah. So I don't have to, I don't have to care about like you guys or anything or, and if I don't care, then I'm not going to, I'm not going to lose you. Yeah. Yeah. We're right here. It's like, you know,
Look, if there's anything we've learned from all of this, it's that like love's like not even probably real or whatever. So just like, yeah, yeah. Just, I don't know, but we're like a band or whatever. Like just stick, let's just fix what our stupid parents did. And then we can figure we can just move on from that. Just, it's going to be easier with the four of us and it's better to hang out with you guys and not do anything. So yeah, we just come back and then just ignore that dude. Okay. She's really resistant to this sleeper hold. I guess I don't care then.
Let's do it. All right. I was going to say we could go to the next one, but do you want to fix your... Oh, shit, the red vines! I grab and I bite a red vine. I get my spells back. You get your long rest, yeah. I cast control water to send a geyser of water rushing through my house to put the fire out. Perfect. Link's like, I'd rather not eat a red vine. That's okay. I would rather die. No thank you for the red vines. So yeah, you put out the fire pretty quickly. Now your house is more... Even the water from the piss toilet, dude.
yeah especially the water from the piss shit no i clean out the toilet with the water like that's the first thing it does it goes and it comes back out and then i do like a cool like like for the first time for the first time it fucking your toilet flushes yeah it's the first ever flush your toilet normal toilet is so clogged and then it's like you remember mad max when they finally blast through the sand and the whole flat's opening and the oxygen comes in yep
Exactly. So is all the fire gone? Yes, the fire is gone. The fire is gone. Hey, and when it's all scary, let's just like get this done. And then, you know, you like playing soccer. We can just like not care about playing soccer. We can just like play soccer and just not care about stuff together. That'd be cool. Oh, no, low key. I really miss playing soccer, bro. Yeah. Well, I mean, not really miss it, but I kind of miss it, right? No, I'm like, I think about it all the time. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, let's do that then. Yeah.
Yeah. Let's get rid of those stupid things and we can play soccer. The water's out. Water damage, though. There's a lot of water. Yeah, the resale of this house is fucking tanked. You see your mom going outside and negotiating with the law enforcement agents. You hear gunfire. You don't hear gunfire. They don't shoot her. In the first ever instance of a cop not firing first, they don't shoot her. You have a backyard where one could conceivably play soccer. Scary. Scary. What? Do you need that hat anymore? Yeah. May I borrow it?
Please, please, please, please. I guess I don't care if you do. Thank you. I'm going to put on the hat. Okay, you fall asleep. Willy, I've called forth for you.
And I'm fucking stark raving naked. I got my sword. My hair is blowing in the wind, dude. So you see from behind and he's used to looking the other direction. He turns around and he's like, what the fuck? That's right. Oh, God, come off your dick. I don't want to look at a teen's dick. I'm not that kind of a bad guy. You're a worst nightmare, motherfucker. Literally in this case. Well, guess what? I see right through your fucking plans. Get your fucking loins ready because I'm coming for you. You may not know when. You may not know where.
But that's beyond the itch in the back of your mind. That's gonna come and kill you. Who are you? That's right. You'll never know.
And he blinks out of existence in his world, dude. And he's just alone in the dream. So he's going like, what the fuck? So I'm going to go check on Hermie. Guys, I'll be right back. I got to go check on Hermie though. He gets pretty mad if you ignore him. So I run up the stairs. I'm going to grab the badge off the ground. Okay. As you grab the badge off the ground and as you open the door to your room, the door to your room is a little bit cracked open. I open the door. Okay. As you do that,
You look down almost involuntarily at the badge. And the badge says, Chaparral High School, Herman Unworthy. And you look up and you see Hermie with his arms full of your original teeny the teen mascot costume. And he goes, it was nothing personal, normal. And he dives backward out of your open window. And the intensity of the scam opens a portal to...
The Goof Realm. Not today, no, not today.
We'll be right back.
Don't know who else is cool? The people who support this podcast on Patreon. People like Kona Goodheart, Ronan O'Malley, Ian Marsh, David Cron, Kevin Cote, Fernando Gonzalez, Sam D, Nacho Lopez, Hannah Clark, Splicer Child, Brady P, Sierra, William Walter, Brandon D, Sparkle Brody69. Nice.
Thomas Hefner, Miles, Eric Johnson, Andre Patterson, and Xena Warrior Princess. If you too want to support this podcast directly, you can do it on our Patreon. That's patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. But I want to be clear, what you get is not just the good feelings of supporting an independent group of podcast creators. No, no, no, no, no. It's more than that. You also get filthy lucre. You get content. You get bonus content.
You get videos. You get access to our Discord community where there's tons of fan art. We do things like live listens. There's access to our after show. There's a lot of content. So look, if you're just in it for the good karma, we're there for you. But if you're also there for a little bit of good karma and a lot of bit of good content, there's a lot of that behind our Patreon. Once again, patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. You can go to our website, dungeonsanddads.com and click on Patreon on the top and see like a big list of all the content you get access to. There's a lot of
there. Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads. Our website is DungeonsandDaddies.com. Our store is store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies. And that next episode's coming at you April 25th. Oh, if you're in the U.S., you gotta do taxes. Tax time once again. We gotta pick our shot today. No, not today. Before tomorrow makes it can't change. Not today. No, not today. Need to sorrow. Not tomorrow. Not today.
It's a love for Speller. He used my level for spell slots. Is there anything more D&D than getting excited to do a cool thing and then reading and being like, no, you don't get to do that.