S2 Ep. 30 - Mrs. Swallows Oak Garcia’s Home for Peculiar Teenagers
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Welcome to the wide underworld of sports, brought to you by Gluttony, where Tantalus Tuesdays are back. Slide on down to the third circle today for a bottomless bounty of fruit and wine that shall ever remain just out of reach. Ooh, sounds frustrating. Now on to the action. It was an all-out soccer slugfest in Mega Health Day as the 12-1 took on a ragtag team of teens,

feds, and demonic royalty. Head ref Lucifer the Morning Star was handing out red cards like it was Valentine's Day. But one player who escaped his attention, and everyone else's, was prodigal prince of hell, Hermie the Unworthy. In play after play, Hermie was left high and dry by his teammates, who seemed to forget he was even there. Let's check out the highlights. Marle struggles to find opening. Hermie the Unworthy. No, she shoots! It's good! It's a goal!

Looks like it's all up to me. Per usual. Another incredible save by Hermie! This kid's a wall! What's that down there? Looks like goalie Taylor Swift is dragging an unconscious Lincoln Lee Wilson back to the penalty box. That's the exact same spot where Hermie's already covering.

There. Finally, I'll get some defense back here. Normal Oak Garcia crawling towards Hermione the Unworthy. Looks like the team's cleric might throw a spell or two. Wait a moment! He crawls right past his teammate. What is he doing? He goes straight to the dead body of teammate Brad Schmeggin and tears him from the celestial embrace of the Almighty Father. Come on, Schmeggin. You're our only hope.

- Ace reporter Amelia Earhart is down on the field for a post-game interview with Hermie the Unworthy. Amelia. - Do you guys remember who we wanted to talk to? - Yes, it's me, Hermie, here for the interview. - Was it Jody?

It was Jody, right? I'm literally standing right here. I'm waving to the camera right now. Somebody notice me. I'm sorry. I'm drawing a blank. But you know what they say. If you don't remember, it probably wasn't important. Up next, more NFL stars are turning to Christ on their deathbeds. What does that mean for the upcoming Hell vs. Heaven Pro Bowl? Find out after this.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Actually, it's a D&D podcast. Actually, it's a D&D podcast. It's about four teens from our world going through some strife as they try and figure out how to save our world from another world. Whatever, man. Who wrote this?

I love that the season started as a Monster of the Week thing and has just turned into a JRPG where 14 creatures have to kill God. I think that's beautiful and brave. That actually turned me around in this whole season. I like this season. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Jimmy, how about you shut up during my intro? Whoa.

Jimmy's with us once again. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the rock and roll. No, I'm not. I'm the icy cool. God damn it. Zany Ranger team. Yes, right. Zany. We're adding adjectives until one of them sticks.

This week's teen fact for Taylor. Taylor does play sports and has played sports growing up, you know, sort of the ones you expect. He has always made a beeline, just like he did in the previous episode. Always made a beeline to goalie because his belief was that like, yeah, goalie, you can just sit there.

And it's true. Wow. You can just sit there. I just came up with like a teen fact for Taylor that I think is like really good. Oh, it's here. Yeah. Let's switch it up this week. Let's all throw our character sheets into a big bowl. Let's do that. If you have one for me too, that'd be nice. I think that Taylor played T-ball until he was like six,

because he just could never actually hit the ball. But they're like, well, you still want to play champ. So like, go ahead. Just tee that up. And I'll even go so far as to say the problem is, is because Taylor never internalized the baseball swing because he believed that like, if he figured out and got the muscle mechanics for the baseball swing down, it would fuck him up because his inability to cut through tatami mats with a fucking katana, right, would be affected. There's a very specific cutting technique.

Does Taylor ever try to like, he's got the baseball bat and then he just like pulls it a little bit back and forth and hopes it'll do a home run. Like when they do the, yeah, that's what Taylor never swung. He would always just be like, and then it'd be like, you know what I'm saying? Like just one time it's going to fucking sail through, but no, it hasn't ever happened. Goalie Taylor. That was my, all right, Matt, we've stalled long enough. I forgot his dad fact before. I might've done this one before, but whatevs. Hey everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. Uh,

I got a little tickle in my throat, too. You're all trapped in here with me. No, I'm fine. My throat sounds a little weird, though. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. Matt Arnold, throat goat, giving us the throat updates. The protective paladin of the group. Wait, wait, wait. No, no. I'll start over. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the school-at-home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group. Really, really, really quick fact about Lincoln. His favorite meal is... Can you guess? Yes.

Spaghetti. Soccer. Anyone with his parents. No, like meal. Something with feet. Not food. Like what meal of the day? Oh. Lunch. Lunch. Everyone he has in his parents. After kicking a thing. Dessert. Orange slices with his dad that he loves so much. Dads. Dads. God, my dads are great. Just brunch. Just a nice brunch. That's it? That's it? Yeah, brunch. You're such a piece of shit. Fuck you, Matt. Fuck you, Matt. Matt is a badass.

Don't use that word

that word no virgin mimosas have you ever had the reverse mimosa matt just vodka no no the reverse mimosa is orangina and white wine okay that just sounds pretty good it works it totally works don't not really reverse because both of those are bubbly but okay

White wine is not bubbly. Oh, I was thinking sparkling white wine. Oh, that's fine. That's good. Man. All right. A couple of real Orangina heads on the podcast. Yo, what up, Orangina heads? What up, Oranginos? You're either a brunch boy or you're a Regina head. I literally thought it was Orangina. Yeah. When we all get together, we have what are called orgies. The guy who created the amazing orange really put his whole Orangina into that one. Wow. The amazing orange? The amazing orange.

No, he's amazing. He's hired people across the world. Follow me. So you're a bucko brunch boy. I got it. Well, we don't use that word here, Jimmy. Sorry, sorry. Jimmy, slow down. Cool off a little, Jimmy. Just relax. Take a walk, buddy. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak, the perky, peppy, chipper-jerry school spirit mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. Here's Normal's teen fact this week. This entire adventure, he's still been doing that homework. He's got like... He's just like...

All his assignments. He's still clocking them in. He's not getting good grades on them, but he's doing the reading. He's got his contacts in all of his classes. What homework, though? We're in school, Matt. School's still going on. But where is he getting the homework? He's got his contacts. He's got a packet. He casts a little spell, and he talks to his friend Jenny, who's in English class with him, and she gives him the download on what the new English homework is and what they're reading. They're reading Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code right now. Okay. Okay.

We can no reason to distrust normal, but you're saying this entire time you've had a contact to the real world. It could have been getting. That's fine. It's to do homework. It's not to betray the team. It's to do homework. Normal sounds a little tired this week. It's not because Will maybe has a tickly throat. He was up all night doing his pre-calc homework.

Will's in a little TV monitor here because he's separated from us because he may be a little sicky. He's got a little cold. Yeah, Will potentially has a cold, so he is being fed through a very complex AV setup. If you detect it... Not like food-wise. He's being fed by zookeepers. No, no, no. He's being...

He's in our room with us. I'm in that milking machine that Jordan used. He's in Freddy's apartment in a separate room. We can see him on a monitor because Freddy has cameras all over his room so he can watch himself fuck after the fact. And he's milking himself. And he's getting milked by my milking machine.

But we have cameras into his enclosure, and he has been provided enrichment. Yeah. That's why. He's happier here than he would be in the wild. Yeah. You can stop protesting. Anthony, that's definitely true. Okay. My name is Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow. Boo! She's the best. She's fine. She's a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks and fiends.

Fun teen fact about Scary this week is that her favorite animal is the pied flycatcher. What? Pied flycatchers sometimes cooperate to mob a predator if their neighbor is at risk. But if they don't like their neighbor, their other pied flycatcher, then they do not cooperate. Okay. Hmm. Hmm.

It seems like Beth's trying to communicate to us through bird facts. No, literally, it's just a fun fact. It's just a fun fact. I don't know if you're reading into it or anything, but it's just a fun fact. I'm just Googling the pied flycatcher. It definitely looks like a pretty goth bird. It's like a black and white bird. Whatever you do, don't look up pied flycatcher pronunciation, so then I might be fucked. Please.

P.A. P.A. Jimmy. Hey, everyone. What's up? My name is Jimmy Wong playing Jody Foster. Once more into the sunset, Jody's... Jimmy gets a beatbox every time. Oh, nice, nice, nice. Wow. Jody's fun fact is... Is that a Pornhub beat? What is that? Oh, no, that's like... That's some 808s, dog. I have no idea what that sounds like, Will. You know what that sounds like. It must be nice to live a life where you can listen to Pornhub with sound.

There's sound on that?

Porn's never been the same since they went into that talkie era. I remember when you used to watch Silent Porn and it would have to cut to a title screen of somebody saying, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, and it got cut. Yeah, and you'd have to hold the roll while you read the text. The piano players, they're like, man, I should have gotten a better job. I was singing in the rain, but as porn, it's like, the lady's like, they don't want me anymore because my voice is too annoying. Oh, yeah. I can't see.

stand his cock sounds like fucking David Lee Roth fucking stems from fucking Van Halen oh yeah oh well sorry Jimmy I do have a dad fact

Jody's dad fact is that in order to remake his life and become the man that he wants to be, basically to get his old life back, he's resorted to buying books that are on recommended lists that are inspirational. So he's got like the Obama, like 10 Obama's read books of the year. We're talking more like 12 Rules for Life by Jordan B. Peterson. Oh no! He's got me. He belongs in hell. Oh no!

But this time around, he actually has the book in front of him. It's Warrior of the Light. This is by Paolo Coelho. He was actually the author of The Alchemist. I hated The Alchemist. And Veronica Decides to Die, which is a better book in my opinion. But what he does is he'll just flip to a random page every day and he'll read a passage from it and let that inform how he's going to live his life. Jimmy, we can't do this for copyright reasons. Yeah, I can't say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So there's 136 pages. I just want someone to give me a number and we'll just do a little bit of Jody's daily exercise. 69. 69. 69. This page is a little sticky. Come on, Jimmy. Jimmy, that's disgusting. Jimmy, why? Wait, why? Why? Why? Did you come on it?

Is there a picture in there? Are you ejaculating on your book? Anyway, this one says, a warrior of the light accepts his personal legend completely, and the warrior... I want to give this guy a fucking noogie. His companions say, he has remarkable faith. For a moment, the warrior feels proud, and immediately feels ashamed. Or she...

Got to empower. He merely feels proud and ashamed of what he or she has heard because he or she does not have as much faith as they appear to have. At that moment, his angel whispers, you are only an instrument of the light. There is no reason to feel proud or to feel guilty. Let's find this guy. There are only reasons to feel happy and the warrior of the light, aka Jody, aware now that he is but an instrument, feels calmer and more secure. Dude, this guy deserves such a swirly. Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to take his fucking lunch money. I hated the alchemist. I hated the alchemist.

I'm Anthony Burch, Daddy Master and Warrior of the Light. I don't really have an ad fact today other than the fact that Beth got me a really nice t-shirt that has the IHOP logo, but it says I hope and then it has a crying pat of butter on top of a bunch of pancakes and the bottom of the shirt says that hell doesn't exist.

Very good. Well, they should not listen to this podcast, nor say the word bucko. When we last left you, you were, as we have so often done, in the middle of a big, like, kind of sports thing that we then kind of just stopped doing halfway through because plot reasons. In this case, the plot reason was that you managed to get the pick, which is an anchor, away from Glenn. Barely. Link managed to grab it, and then Link...

snapped it in half. So, Link, can you tell me a little bit about what's going through your mind? Let's go into the mind of a Lincoln Lee Wilson. I didn't think that was going to be the end of the episode, so now I gotta get back into this mind space of this moment. Everyone clear out Matt's doing his thing. He's gonna run into his mind palace. You're Lincoln Lee Wilson. You're just 12 years old. He's 12?!

He's two years ago. He was 12 years old. You're 12 plus two 13. Okay. This is the fucking Watchmen fucking old monologue. Two years ago. That's what it was. He's bad at math. That's what it was. My fact was going to be that the fucking normal soccer ball shape confounds him. And that's why he tried to learn geometry, but he doesn't get how those shapes can make a ball.

It doesn't make sense. Oh, like a bunch of pentagons or whatever? But they're not just pentagons. Some are pentagons, but some are hexagons. It makes no sense. That's why his dad's always got by on the volleyball. Go back to your ASMR. Anyways, okay. I break it. There, okay. What the?

Scary. What are you doing? Normal just, I don't know. I don't know normal. What do you mean you don't know? Why'd you break the pig, bro? Because I just, I can't. I can't. I just can't anymore. I can't. Look at these adults. They're fighting over whatever. And my dad killed people and I've killed, like, I tried to do the right thing. I killed them. I don't know what this is. I said I love you. It doesn't do anything. I just can't. I don't know who to trust. I don't know what to do. But scary, I just can't not have you with us anymore. You four are the only people I have.

And I don't know to trust you, but I can't trust anybody else at this point. And I don't know. I don't trust Will either. But she said this is the way for less people to die. And I just don't want to. She said that Willie said that was the way. So what are you doing? I broke it because it's broken now. We got it. So what's the big deal? We got it. We're two fourths of the way done, right? And then we can just stop all this. So it sounds like the thing that's motivating you to break it was a combination of fear and love for keeping scary in the group.

Would that be fair to say? Yeah, I think he doesn't want to get into a fight and he doesn't know what to do. At least this will maybe help her because he doesn't want to push her away anymore. Sure. That's fucking that's love, baby. So let's leave it up to the gods. Why don't you roll a D20 and one through 10? You're going to have a little bit more fear than love and 11 through 20. You're going to have a little bit more love than fear. Just like real life.

Wait, was high good or bad? High is good. Oh, I got 17. Okay. Oh! Normal, you see an explosion of blue come from the anchor. Blue cum? Yeah, blue cum come from the anchor all over you. The Pornhub theme plays. Oh!

And you feel a positive energy emanating from the explosion of come from the guitar pick. And you know that something has changed in the balance of how the doodler is currently feeling. There was nothing but negative energy in it before, but now the negative and the positive are kind of balanced out. Oh, thank God. Oh, that was really scary. Whoa. I mean, what's wrong? Like I broke the thing. Yeah, but you had like a little more. It went well. It went good. It didn't go good. Why not scary? I did what you asked me to do. I know, but...

Don't trust me. I'm, I told you what to do, but why'd you do it out of love? Like, why can't you hate me like everybody else? Well, cause I don't know. Maybe I do. I just know that the four of us have to do this together. I don't know. I don't hate you. Whatever. Okay. If you want me to hate you, I'll hate you. I'm mad at you. Yeah. So that's not the same as hating someone.

Like I'm mad at a lot of translators over the years, but that doesn't mean I hate them. Doesn't mean I hate them. Looks scary. Like what have the three of us done? I just don't know. I get why maybe you trust this Willie guy more than your dad, but like, why do you just trust the three of us? Like I did the thing. Where is Willie? Nick came back, but Willie didn't. Where, where is he? So Nick hears you say his name and leaps off of the bleachers over the soccer field and lands and what would be blade stance, but he doesn't have the arms.

uh in front of you we're still all pretty legless over here too right yeah you're still you're still on the field oh yeah so to update everybody on the leg situations uh the ones who lost your legs you're next to your legs and jody and glenn are currently fighting over the same leg and are currently cat dogs together by that leg nick comes over and casts some low level limb reattachment spells on everyone that's not jody and glenn so you have your your limbs back now

Link crosses his finger hoping for like a, what's the rookie of the year situation? He's like, come on. And he winds up his leg to kick the ball. Funky butt loving? No, what's the one where he like breaks his arm? Yeah, that's rookie of the year. Yeah. What is funky butt loving? It's a gag where he's testing out his throwing arm after he gets the cast off and he hits the doctor in the nose and the doctor goes, funky butt.

butt loving and as was the rule for jokes in the 90s they had to have another character repeat it by going did you just say funky butt loving and it's somehow funnier the second time that's a good joke it's a good joke i mean that's just a good joke like format like a meme format yeah do it and then do it again yeah anyways i assume i just kick the ball normally i think there's a one in 100 chance yeah that you now have a rookie of the year like situation yeah can i see what's the chance yeah roll to 100 if you get 100 you'll get it

Damn it, I got 73. Oh, so close. All right, there's normal kick. Age 73 and warrior of light. So Nick says he's back in San Dimas. Did I hear right that you're friends with him? Well, it's more like a mentor and then like... Yeah, yeah, don't trust her. It's really weird. Dad? So he turns to you, Taylor, and he goes, I gotta say, I was sort of in favor of you earlier.

going your own way and sort of being a Ronin walking the wastes alone without your friends, but you all did manage to like

do a thing. So I guess credit where credit's due. Yeah. Yeah, we got two of them. It's more like a mentor chosen one kind of scenario. She thinks she's the chosen one. Clearly, I am the chosen one. These are my compatriots, my fellow brothers and sisters in arms. These are my sidekicks, if you will. You're not, no, you're not, neither are you the chosen one. I'm the chosen one. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I'm... Spit it out. What's abnormal? All right, cards on the table.

Do we want Scary back in the group? Like, I know that we just had a fun soccer game, but, like, she's against us. She doesn't want what we want. Willie sucks. Scary, remember, she killed a guy. She helped him kill a guy. None of that changed. So, no offense, Scary, but, like, we're all talking, like, it's all in the past, but it's, like, this is very much in the future, right? Like, that came really close, Link, and, like, I don't know, like, you were trying to help her. Like, I'm happy that it wound up helping me, but, like, you were trying to help her, and you were all like, well, I want Scary to trust me, but, like, do you not care if I trust you? Like, that was a really risky move.

dude so like i don't know like okay but what's not fine what's not been a risky move what are you talking about we've been doing this whole do we okay let's fast forward this is all i'm saying let's fast forward to the next anchor look scary wants to destroy it we don't want to destroy it what are you gonna do i i don't know we'll see when we get there that's not good enough scary's focus on this 100 of the day every day 24 7 she's not doing homework

Like you are. I see you late at night focusing on homework. We all keep our head in the game. Yeah, we're trying to save the world here and you're doing math? You gotta contact the whole outside world. Maybe someday we'll have to get the sign of a cosign to figure out something with the doula, you don't know. The only cosigning you'll be doing is signing your own death warrant. Yeah, maybe you'll find that you're the only one who wants what you want. You guys are

You guys are on trial here. I have been consistent about what I want from day one, which is to help the dealer. Yeah, and maybe it doesn't line up with what we want. Well, no. So maybe you should be the one that gets lost. Maybe I should. Scary, stop it. Don't you just see, like, everybody's bad. I don't know what you're worried about, Normal. There's no good people. There's no bad people. Like, you don't like your dad. My dad's bad, too. Everybody's bad. So can we just try to minimize just people that I... Well, not everybody's bad in excess. Who's not? He nods over at Normal. He goes, Normal's sister, the chosen one. Yeah.

I'm sorry? Your sister, normal, but... Oh, my sister here? It's a pretty funny joke. I didn't know your parents didn't tell you. Oh.

Or not your uncle either. Yeah, oh, sorry. Sorry. Yeah, you're the... Oh, I shouldn't be the one to tell you this. Yeah, why? What's going on? You were a, what we would call in the parental world, a pleasant surprise. Okay, that's... I'm okay with that. Okay, cool. Yeah, you know, it's a pleasant surprise that, you know, you got this son and he turned out so great, right? Sure, yeah. Why would you do that? What do you mean by surprise? Well, because they just wanted to have the one...

hero. Oh. And there's a family sort of power that sort of got passed down. And she sort of got, like, the best stuff. And you are you. So that's something to be proud of, I guess. But...

I don't want to distract you from the argument you guys are having. This is why I don't have friends, so I don't have to do this kind of stuff. So I'm just going to maybe step back. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So you're saying my sister. Hell yeah, so cool, dad. So the whole doodler bloodline thing got passed to my sister, and I'm like, what am I in this? Just nothing? That's a great question for your dad. Man, there's just more proof. You're a jerk. Yeah, we get it. Like, you know, the dogs are bad. Yeah, why do you bring it up? Well, okay, don't come at me just because you found out your mom and dad didn't want you, man. Don't get me wrong.

for that just calm down and hermy goes i know what it's like to be unwanted oh my god where were you i've been here the entire time trying to help you everything a single thing i said went unheard and unlistened to i feel like i should have had to roll for that if that was like go ahead and roll then coward perception you perceive herby's pissed

I got a natural one. Exactly. Exactly my point. The dice never lies. I am sorry, Hermie. I'm sorry, man. You know how much Ted Lasso I've watched? I had so many strategies for how we could both be better as a team and as a family. We are winning the game, though. Is this game still even going? Yes. While you've been talking, it feels like the other team just scored like a bunch of goals. But you've been talking for a while now. And then Glenn and Joe, you're like, what the fuck?

Fuck, Jody, we could have stopped those goals. You know how long I've been trying to fucking do this, man? Do it again. Just reset, you coward. Oh, my God. Give me my leg back. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, wow, it's a whole family gathering here. Hermie, great job in the game. Shut the fuck up, Dad. Oh, jeez. Okay, other son, can you reattach my lemmys here? And I'm going to squish out Glenn Close's feet from my stumps. Nick, Nick, over here. Hook your own man up.

His legs kind of go like one direction and then the other. He's like, oh, which one do I pick? And so I'm just going to roll for it. So first he goes to Jody and reattaches Jody legs. And then he goes to you, Glenn, and reattaches your legs. I'm going to put a hand down and help Glenn up. I spit in your hand. I give up on my own accord. Nick, who was just about to open his mouth to say something to his dad, just kind of sniffs and goes, yeah, that's what I thought this would be. And just starts walking away. As you argue with each other. I want to make the most of my time here. I'm going to attempt to kick Glenn in the nuts as hard as I can. Okay, go ahead and roll an attack.

Rolled in 18. All right, what's your AC, Frederick? 14. All right, it hits. You get a dental foot right in the ding dong. Yeah, so I just kick Glenn as hard as I can in the nuts, and I look at the rest of the group and go like, look, I know. Link shakes his head and just walks away. Should I get to walk away, Link? I was going to shake my head and walk away. Yeah, well, we should all walk away. Why this problem?

about what you want to do. Exactly what that normal person said. Okay, I'm trying to be cool here. Normal, are you serious? Like, I don't make up my mind. I did the thing. I broke it. I tried to help people before, right? And firefighters died. Every time we're in a situation, this is how normal talks. Hey, maybe we should do this or maybe this. I don't know. I want to do the right thing, but I don't want to do the wrong thing either. Will somebody make the decision for me?

And then somebody does it. Thank you. And then somebody does it. And then you get to be on the high ground now. All I want to do is not kill more people, okay? He's got his hand on us. He's studying your normal. All I've done is try to help you three. Like, I just want to be with the three of us. And can't we just do it? I was just going to sit here and ask Scary what she learned so we can concentrate on the thing so we can be done with all this. I'm sorry, okay? Anyway, I was trying to say that you kids don't really have a choice. Shut the fuck up, dude.

up, dude. Oh my god. I kick Jody in the nuts. I run up and I want to roll a D100 to see I want a second chance at the rookie of the year. Alright. You can either roll a regular attack or the D100. You can't do both. I'm rolling a D100. Alright.

I got 57. All right. I made my statement though. You fucking missed completely. You hit his inner thigh. You heard him miss when it's that small. I still pretend like I actually got hit in the nuts. Okay. Just to play it up. But I go, hey, look, you kids, I've seen a lot of things in hell and you don't want to split up. You guys have to find some kind of way to become friendly because look, I'm

I'm sure that scary over here is more complicated and has more things going on than you guys are even thinking about. Just do some amount of teamwork. Ask what is happening? Because you know what? This Willie guy, I'm going to agree with everyone else. He kind of sucks a lot, but everyone has reasons for doing what they're doing. So if you at least decode some of that, maybe you can stop bickering like a bunch of children and I can get back to running hell the way I want to. Nick says, ignore my shitty dumbass dad. You should...

You should separate. You should all separate into individual adventures. What, like our arms have been separated from your body, Nick? Come on, man. Morgan is like, oh, honey, don't say that. She's like, we're all better off on our own. See this argument that we're all having? This doesn't happen when you're on your own. So peace out. And he kisses his fingers that would be there if they were there. Hey, I'll give you guys a ride back to wherever you want to go. And then Glenn from the ground has crawled over underneath Jody's legs and he goes, decode this, bitch. He's

gonna shoy ruken and upper like like fucking Ryu uppercut style dragon punch into the gooch gonad area. Alright give me an attack roll. Jimmy I'm going to kill you.

you. That's a plus seven to my hit DC on an arm strike and that's a natural 20. Wow. 27. All right, well, that's which way you get to determine what happens. Bro, I uppercut your balls and you fly straight to the top floor of fucking hell. You know what, you know what, like a cartoon character when they run away really fast but their eyeballs stay behind? Is that like the testicles are like still, are like still there? And it's the opposite, his testicles go up and the rest of his body follows them. It's like,

He goes, he disappears in the sound like a gunshot ricocheting off of a hard rock. Okay, well, as I fly upwards, the last thing I'd say is, splitting up is what caused this whole thing in the first place. Bye! This podcast is brought to you by eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Why doesn't eHarmony allow copy and paste in first messages? Because you are unique, and your conversations should reflect that.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code daddies. Do we want to help the doodler or to kill the doodler? I would like to not have to kill the doodler. Let's just get away from all these...

people who are not helping us and just let's just talk to scary and get more information because she had some and then the soccer game happened and i don't know what to do maybe i did the wrong thing but kissing it or whatever we did didn't do it in that moment i just want the least amount of people to die as possible and for less blood to be on my hands dad we need a safe house a retreat sounds like we got some shit to iron out here in the group sure what realm do you want it to be in

So there's one in goof realm, but I'm not sure how to get there. And then Hermione goes, I have an idea. And then Nick says, and then there's one in earth.

earth as i know it the big dark butthole land so i don't know where do you want to go to set up your safe house so those are the two places there's an anchor those are that's two places with an anchor or it can take you back to sandemus where normal do you have a priority do you care my priority is to figure out where either i can trust you guys right now frankly you know let's go to my house oh there's snacks oh you got the pantry we can talk it out and um we can see how this goes

Sounds like the most boring thing I can literally think of. All right, well, in that case, you know, maybe I'll just go by myself and I'll just leave you guys and you guys can figure out how to figure this shit out on your own. Nico sounds good and carves with his horn a portal to your house in San Dimas, formerly the Forgotten Realms, now what you know is home.

I was kind of just saying that. I don't know. Oh, I'll go. No, let's go. Scary, just come with us, okay? I can make more portals. No, let's just... Can we just, for just right now, just all stay together for one more time? Like, let's get snacks. That sounds good, normal. Let's go get snacks and talk. Yeah. Is that cool? Yeah. Scary, please. I need to drop off my homework anyway. Do you have Twizzlers? No, but we've got... Great, we've got the other one. We got red vines. Fucking red vines. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

All right. So you're going to step through the portal into Normal's dining room. We all flick off Jody. I'm not even there. I don't feel it. I'm a warrior of the light. Yeah, you're flicking off a Jody-sized silhouette that exploded into the roof and then up through all the other ceilings of hell. I would like to know, though, does Glenn ever finish killing these last demons of hell? No, I think you all left before you did it. As everyone leaves, Glenn goes like...

Ah, shit. Looks like we're back to square one, babe. Morgan goes, you two just kicked each other in the balls over and over while your son and your grandson is here. I feel like I should practically go with them. You guys suck. Yeah, we do. You do. Can I establish a psychic link to Hermie and just say some things as a father before he leaves my realm once more? Sure.

So Jody from the now top level of hell. Climbing a light. Son. Son. Son Hermie. I'm sorry for abandoning you. I love you for what it matters. Bye.

Wow. Now you're going to let him talk back? That really covers it. Is there anything you would like to say to me? It's too late. It's too late. He's heading by. Oh, Herbie, you should come along with us. Oh, I get to go too. Thank you guys so much. Geez Louise, here I come. And he walks through the portal. You walk kind of mean. Okay, so you are back in San Dimas. Is it weeks later or is this a different type of portal? So yeah, when you come back...

through the portal, the first thing you notice is there's a lot of flashing red and blue lights outside of the windows of the house. Cop lights? Yes. The second thing you notice is that there's nobody in the dining room. It's really, really quiet. Mom? We're home. I'm home.

From upstairs, you hear your mother go, Normie? Oh, oh my God. And you hear her rushing hurriedly down the stairs, a assault rifle slung over her shoulder, two pistols on her hip. And she goes, where were you? Your dad's been looking for you all over the city and the mayor and Willie and all. What's, where were you? We were in hell. It's complicated, but what's going on? Yeah.

She goes, your sister is out there somewhere. I can't find her. And Willie's got the whole town on lockdown to deal with the mayor and stuff. And I'm locked in here and I don't know where your dads are. Dad, your dad and your uncle. I don't know where your dad and your uncle are.

Okay. So you're like, what? There's just like the mayor's running around causing problems. That's what I'm picking up right now. Is that what's going on? So your mom narrows her eyes and she goes, that's the story they want us to think. And then she fucking swipes a bunch of shit off of her wall and turns it around with a button press. And it's got like a Bolton board with a bunch of

Pictures connected to each other with red swine. Yeah, this is our family project board. Yeah, sorry, I repurposed it for my conspiracy board. But my thinking is that the mayor and this Willie guy, it might be a false flag operation.

OK, you have my attention. Go on. So every time the mayor and Willie have clashed publicly, which has happened several times, and it's been very visually appealing, it's always been to a draw. Neither one of them has won. That seems unrealistic. And more than that, the more that the mayor's influence has spread and the more her acolytes have taken over much of the town, the more power has been afforded to daddies by the federal government.

To the point where now Willie can order FBI agents to stay outside my house and keep me in quarantine. So I think, I think that this goes all the way to the top. Wow. Mom, you've been saying things go all the way to the top for so long, but it seems like this time for real though. This time, if it's for real. Norm, I think your mom's been doodlerized or something. No, I've been awoken.

So we can't go outside? If you want to get shot to ribbons by the FBI. Can I peek open the door? You peek open the door and you immediately see a floodlight right into your face to the point where you almost can't see anything. And you hear a voice through a megaphone go, Stay inside. It's safer inside from the mayor. Oh, shit.

Small citizens. How are you guys doing out there, though? It's pretty dangerous for you, too, right? We're good. Oh, okay. Cool. Well, if you ever feel like being safer, maybe we can always take your turn. You can come in here, and we'll come out there sometime. So, anyways, just keep up the good work. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Keep up the good work.

Like you got cookies or something? Are you hungry? Are you boys hungry? Oh, disadvantage. I mean, I'm cute. I got three. Okay, so three. No, that's not. We're not going to switch places with you, small child. That's fine. Just offer stands. And I just close the door. Okay. I mean. Yeah, it's real. They're out there.

Norm's mom's like, oh, they're always at a draw. They can never, you know, win or lose. Well, that's exactly the same as like, would, you know, normal saying like, do you guys want me in the group or not? It's always the same draw. It's always the same, like even matched. Yes. Sometimes we want you in the group. Sometimes we don't. So I'm just saying that what she's saying is bullshit because it's all a draw all the time. So there. As the leader of the group, I feel behooved to step up here really quick and just say a few things.

First and foremost, Scary, you've been doing some real out-of-pocket shit lately. Namely, vis-a-vis murdering our school principal and, like, just being a general butthead. Oh, wow. I had no idea. Whoa. Oh, well, if that's the case, let me be the first to inform you that your actions have not been becoming a part of our team, part of this...

Team of cool teens. Yes, we made our choice. We made our choice, which was Link told you to get out of his house and then you're still following us around. So what are you doing here? Not becoming not ladylike. Is that what it is? Go fuck yourself. Give me a red vine. Give me a red vine right now. Normal's mom goes, oh, of course. Yeah, let me get the red vine. She takes out a big cookie jar full of red vines. Oh, my God. I would never tell another woman to do anything like that in such a harsh. She just wants to be a good host. OK, she knows it wasn't directed at her.

She says that. She goes, I know that wasn't directed at me. Okay, okay. Sometimes you need a red vine. Yeah, I do. We also have Shasta Cola. What flavor Shasta Cola would you like, Scary? Oh, actually, can I have Shasta, but is it too much? Mrs. Swallow's Oak Garcia, could you like water it down halfway? I can't have that much sugar. Probably.

From a Shasta? Mother, I will help you water down Link's Shasta. And Taylor, I believe we have several Ramunes left over from the last time you came over. Ah, very good. And Scary, if you would like a drink, you are welcome to one because this is a house where we host people. Cool. Where's the bathroom? It's down the hall to your left. First one on the left. Okay. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Okay, well, just by yourself? I'm going to, yeah. Wait, what? What?

I don't know. Everybody hearts up. Sorry, what was that, Link? It just felt like we were in the middle of talking. It's just a little suspicious, scary. Can we just finish the talk? Do you have to go right now? Yeah, I can't hold it. Okay, well. So why don't you just cool it? Okay, well, fine. I will. Okay. But we'll all be, we don't want to listen to you. Is there a window in your bathroom? She's not going to go anywhere. There's

anywhere there's a bunch of FBI agents outside I don't know where we want her to go I don't care if she goes yeah fuck yeah well no okay all right here I go all right hey scary before you go to the bathroom look me in the eye okay when you're in there you're only gonna go to the bathroom right like you're not nothing else oh I don't know maybe I should fucking wash my hands huh you ever think about that okay ew you're a dirty boy always gotta wash your hands bathroom and wash your hands okay

Anything else? Just come out here and do it with all of us so we can all talk about it. Oh, sure. Yeah, why don't I just take a shower right here? I'll bathe in your blood, huh? Okay, fine. Whatever. Just go to the bathroom. Why are you acting weird? Yeah. Yeah. I just want to know why you're going to the bathroom alone. I don't know why you're making a big thing out of it. What a reversal. What a reversal. That's gaslighting on the level of fucking Midsommar. That's so good.

So you're in the bathroom. Yes. I'm going to put on the nightcap. Okay. So you instantly fall asleep and you instantly see a bloodied and harried looking Willie appear to you in your dreams. And he goes, okay.

Shit, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I just gotta use a hand here. Ha ha. He holds up Nick's hands. He goes, ha ha, I got a hand. But yeah, they'll fuck him. Oh, cool. I just got mine back. Oh, hey, good for you. Okay, so I'm back on, like, Earth, but not actually real Earth, obviously. Link puts his ear up to the door of the bathroom. Link, what the fuck, dude? I'm asleep. I'm in, like, a parallel universe. She's honk-shoeing. Yeah, okay. She's snorking me, me, me, me. Do I hear that? Why don't you roll Perception?

And Beth, you rolled disadvantage stealth. Don't act shocked, Beth, like Scary hasn't done anything to not be, to be trustworthy. She's completely innocent. 17. All right, Scary, you rolled disadvantage stealth. I got a six. Disadvantage honk shoe. Six? Yeah. Okay, so you can hear some honk shoeing. She sleeps when she pees. Whoa, that must be so relaxing. Is that what it's like for all girls? Is that why they take so long in the bathroom? They're all taking a nap?

I wasn't being weird. Like, she put on the hat again. She's in there talking to Willie. Open the door, Dormo. Do we have a key? Get her out of there. I start kicking the door. I'm going to kick the door down. Okay, okay, okay. Scary. I knock on the door. No. You're in there. All right, so nothing happened. She's asleep. I run back. I charge the door to break through it. All right. Give me a strength check. 14 plus 2, 16. All right, so you splinter the door a little bit. The joints look like they would take one more hit to get knocked off completely. And.

And Mrs. Swallow's Aunt Garcia is like, what are you doing? Link, come on, this is my house, dude. I know she's in there, though. Yeah, she's in the bathroom. She's allowed to be in the bathroom. Who raised you? She's not supposed to be in there. All right. On that, we'll cut back to Scary's dream. So Willie goes, did you get the anchor? Yeah, we broke it. Listen, they know I'm in here sleeping. I don't have much time.

I just have two questions. Yeah. You're sure I should be trusting you, right? Am I sure you should be? I think it's up to you who to trust, kid.

But yeah, obviously you should be trusting me. I'm the only one who knows what the fuck's going on here. And I'm the only one who hasn't lied to you about anything. Yeah, that's true. And what should I tell them when I wake up? They're looking for some facts about the doodler, how to like destroy it and stuff like that. And I can tell them, you know, to destroy it with hate because that weakens it. But I need something a little more convincing. Something that will really make them be on my side. Okay, let's see. I can tell you how to get to goof realm.

I could tell you about the origins of the doodler and how it kills people. Here's what I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything about the whole plan. I'll tell you the rest of what we're going to do. You're going to destroy the anchors. You can get to Goof Realm by having the most horrible, most heart-shattering scam done to you.

And once we've got all the anchors destroyed, we're going to head back to Daddy's HQ and we're going to fucking do a ritual there. And that's going to allow us to communicate with the doodler. And that's when you, not me, are going to communicate with the doodler. So if they're scared of me, they don't have to be because he's going to talk to you. Whoa.

That's a lot of power. Yeah, like I'm giving you that power. So I would trust me. Fucking Jesus. Yeah. It's kind of weird that we're going this far and you're still not trusting me. It's kind of fucked up. You broke it with hate, right? The second anchor? Yeah, about that. It was like it broke like violently in a cool way. You know, like it's hard to break a guitar pick. He's getting angrier in his eyes. His eyes are narrowing. No, it got broken. It got broken with love. God fucking Christ.

damn it you had one job whoa whoa wait they're dumb they're so stupid okay and you're smarter than them yeah it shouldn't be that fucking okay well you're so mad it's it's not that big of a deal like i i i can fix this i can fix it easily i can yeah can you yeah show me okay and then with a start you're awake

For the first time, without your own control, you are just suddenly awake. Do I break through the door? Yes, you break through the door at that moment. I pull the hat off. This is it for you. I throw the hat in the toilet and start flushing it. I know how to get to Grooves from. Okay. Yeah. Did Willie tell you that? I don't know. There's no pee in the toilet. Oh, I'm not an animal. You look me in the eye. I'm not an animal.

an animal, Link. I peed and I flushed. Listen, I was listening the whole time. There's no flushing. There's no peeing. Link, you gotta be careful, bud. You're not looking good here. Oh, oh, oh. I'm not worried about looking good. I'm worried about our friend getting whatever Willie's doing. I defended you when they all called you piss boy. Yeah. That's what I was like. Oh, Link would never. Link's not a piss boy. So me and you don't piss. That's great. But it sounds like you're a piss boy. I don't under... You didn't pee. I don't... That's not even... The point's not about you peeing or not. You're obsessed with pee. Well, a little... Well...

It's weird. You drink a thing and then like hours later...

Is that weird to anybody else here? And it smells weird. Yeah. It's like, does it smell like any other part of me? It's just like, it is his own. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is just one second. You couldn't last literally one second after I put out a hand and now you're just doing this. I just don't. What? Yeah, we can't trust you, scary. I just don't know why you are talking to Willie. And even if you want to talk to Willie, you could just ask.

us or at least try to bring us into it because now I don't know anything that he's saying and how am I supposed to trust you when you can't even tell the truth about whether or not you have to go pee we can't link that's the whole thing cool you want to send me on my own way I mean I know how to get to goose realm I know what to do once all the the anchors are destroyed but if you want to throw me out on my ass then that's fine you just keep saying things to me like those are the things I said that's not what I said I've literally just been asking you

what you're doing and what you want to do. Mrs. Swallow's dark rose, it sounds like you could use with a little bit of compromise. So what I like to do in these situations is you limit what you're saying to I feel statements rather than assuming the other person's intentions. You just say, I feel this way because of the situation. And maybe that way you can come to a happy medium, a middle. Also, you owe me for that door.

Here's your half water Shasta Cola that I gave you because I'm a good host. Unlike some guests. Here are your red vines and I throw them on the ground. Yeah. What? I'll eat them off the ground. Well, that's rude. I'm sorry. I'll go get a plate. Throw those away and get new ones. Okay. Yeah. I'm sorry. Scary can only eat red vines off a plate. You just fucked up next week's teen fact. I feel like link is a little loser. Piss boy, baby.

be who doesn't know what he wants and so maybe i feel that you should kick me out but i'm just saying it's gonna be a lot fucking harder to get these anchors without me i feel like all i want to do is stop everything and all these people from dying and my hand is open to you and if you don't want it

That's fine. I don't care. I just don't know. I just don't care. If I have to do with the three of you, then I'll do it with the three of you. That's all I want to do. Whatever you want to do normal, whatever you all want to do. I just want to get this done. And if you don't want to meet me halfway, then whatever. I don't. It's fine. It's fine. I feel fine. How about that? How about that? That's how I feel. I feel fine too. Great.

I feel confused. I don't know what either of you want. We want to stop the doodler. And I feel like we can't trust Scary anymore. I feel like she's betrayed us too many times. She's killed us. Literal person. A guy who finally, someone who would watch anime with me,

And I don't think we can trust her. And having her loose out there, I mean, I think she's working against us. All in favor of expelling Scary from the group, raise your hand. Or say aye. Or say aye. Since this is a podcast. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Well, that, no, that doesn't, I don't know if that counts. She can vote. She gets a vote. Women can vote. Okay. Your mom pats you on the shoulder and goes, yes, they can. Three of you would be enough. You have just decided to expel her from the group.

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So the sizzling circle again appears in the world and Nick leans his head out and he goes, I figure you guys might actually need to like, are you done? I waited like a half second. So it's, it's probably been like an hour in your world. Right. So like, you want to go somewhere now or what's the. Yeah. Can I sidebar you for a second? Yeah. I was actually going to want to talk to you as well. So you can step back into hell with him and have a private conversation.

Sorry. Does this violate the rules of hell where you cannot return after you've been? Oh, good. No. Yeah. So, yeah, you try to step back in the hell. Yeah. Like a vampire in the Buffy verse when they try to enter a place when they haven't been. You guys can use the den. It's over there. I just went down the hall. There's a lazy boy. Don't burn up the lazy boy by being hot on it. You know, you're like on fire and stuff. So just be careful in there. There's shag carpeting. So I wanted to.

burned down. It's the most burnable room in the world. Nick steps in and his feet are on fire and he immediately tries to stamp out his own feet. And he goes, ah, ah, my feet. Somebody stamp out my feet. All right, let's give them some space. Just you guys can talk through this little portal. I'm going to go get a Ziploc bag for Scary's red vines, which she will be taking to go.

Great. He heads to the den with you. Oh, yeah. I found your body, by the way. Oh, you know what? My body is wrapped around him like in a piggyback pose. Like a backpack. Yeah, he's wearing you like a backpack and he kind of like shimmies his shoulders to shrug you off because he can't use his arms. Oh, and it just ragdolls into the ground. Like definitely like shit is bent the wrong way and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But you can be easily removed and put back onto your normal body. Ah, my old friend. Nick, my man. And he goes, you can have the lazy boy.

I think, my man, we got a bit of a conundrum here. Our group is split. We can't trust one of our members. She's going her own separate way by her own volition. I need you to quarantine her. We can't have her. She's fucking up all of our plans, and I need you to make sure she can't muck things up because she's working for Willie directly. She's got a direct line with him. She talks with him in her sleep. She talks in her sleep. That might be a separate thing, but she's talking to Willie in her sleep, so we can't trust her.

Hmm. So you see Nick sort of sit down on the couch and you get the feeling that if he had his hands, he would be resting them on his chin and like coming thoughtfully. You need me to stroke your chin, dad. Yeah, it helps me think. All right, that's good. Thank you. So you want me to make sure that she can't do anything when she leaves you. You want me to just like lock her up or something? Yeah. Trap her somewhere. Yes. I could. I don't know why I'm saying. No, I mean, this is good. I like this. This is. Oh.

I just realized this is the first time we've like properly done something together as father and sons, like a plan. We're like coming up with a plan together. I shake your hand, dad. But well, so that was going to bring that up as another thing is if she's got Willie on her side, I can't guarantee that she'll stay quarantined. Like he can probably find a way to find me. And the last time we fought, it didn't go super well for you. The last time you fought and he nodded his arms because when that when this happened,

Well, the one anyway. I'd already lost the one. He got rid of the other one. Well, shit. What are we supposed to do? Dad, I could use some advice right now. There's no anime that I've seen that's prepared me for this. Well, son, have you watched an anime called Death Note? Well, yes, of course. A classic. You could always, in a sense, write her into your notebook. Or I could for you, if that's what you need.

Wait, but which character? I don't see, like, I had a bunch of fan fiction, so it gets a little bit screwed up in my head. We're both like...

Like near the beginning of the series when he was still just trying to be a good guy and kill criminals and stuff. You're saying she's a criminal? From what you told me, she sounds like she was a party to murder and she's working for the single worst person I've ever met. I don't want to kill her. Okay, that's fine. I just wanted to present the option. You live in hell for long enough and your moral standards get a little wobbly. So that's good. Is there anywhere we can put her on ice, so to speak? Put her on ice.

We could trap her in any of the realms, I guess. And if she can't find a way to get out of them, she might be stuck. What's the worst realm to abandon someone in that's still safe that we can maybe come back later? Yeah, so it can't be hell because you've already been to hell. So it would have to be either the goof realm, which I don't know how to get there. Earth, as I knew it, or...

here but it doesn't really do wait but if we oh hold on if we keep her on another realm doesn't there a time dilation effect oh god yeah she might be like 40 by the time you get back yeah oh what direction does it go that's right it's a short amount of that time there is a long amount of time here what's the safest place on old earth safe place on old earth would probably be with uh aaron o'neill and her trees no we were down there that place sucked you were down there

She was probably not. That's why you all got out. She's cool. And remind me in the show, how did we end things with Erin? You stole her son. Oh, right. Poorly. You stole the son and ran away. Her only source of food for her and all of her trees. Yeah, dad. That's cool. I'm just, you know, just I take it. You haven't been back there. No. Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. Just take it from me. Probably not. What?

A tenable solution. Okay, well, almost everywhere on Earth is really deadly because of the doodler's influence, so... Oh, oh, oh, oh! Is the International Space Station still... floating around Earth?

Let me do some Googling. Do you know what I'm saying? Is the ISS still up there? Yeah. Or is all satellites... It's going to be 30 years in orbit. It'll at least be there at 2030, but it'll be crashed intentionally in 2031. So I feel like, yeah, because yeah, the ISS is still in the sky. Why don't we put her in the... Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. The Doodler's in that realm, though. Yeah. Oh.

Oh, the doodler is blocked access to the sky. It's around the Earth, hasn't it? Yeah, but like it's like the size of the universe to some extent. It's both like really, really close and really, really far away. So you can't see the moon, but you can see the ISS. Yeah. What if we put her in space? OK, I guess we could do that. I don't have a spacesuit for her. Well, but the ISS has a number. Sure. I guess we could try that. All right. All right, son. I love this plan. So here's what's going to happen. Sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-

Now we'll cut to somebody else. Can I roll to save the nightcap from being flushed? Yeah, I think with advantage because it's hard to flush something of that size. It's hard to flush a hat. Let's check if it does flush or not. I'll tell you right now, it did not flush. It's too big to flush. 16. All right, so 16. So you grab it. Okay, then I grab it. Now it is normal. It is normal's bathroom. So you're both going to have to make a constitution saving throw for reaching into that toilet.

Go ahead and roll con saves. Both of you, bro. You gotta, you gotta spend like three weeks in quarantine. Just like the Apollo astronauts. When you get out of that bathroom. Okay. I got 14. We'll call it a safe. Okay. That's close enough. Okay. So yes, go ahead and try to take it from her. Give me a sleight of hand. Scary. Give me a pose. Sleight of hand.

Look how natural. What? I got 16. Okay, great. So you try to grasp at the hat. She moves it out of the way. Your hands keep going and you smash your hands. Are peace boys' fingers slippery from piss? I've fallen too. Yeah, you know what happens is with your one, you miss, you slip, your hands go into the toilet and you piss yourself. I piss myself? Yeah. Your brain is just so used to being in the toilet. What is happening in my room? It's like hot water when you sleep. And guess what, Link? I did pee and I didn't flush. I've just been drinking a lot of liquid, so it's clear. Okay.

I'm just super hydrated. My kidneys are fucking killing it. Link just tries to hold back a single Elijah Wood tear from the Fellowship of the Ring. And he goes, it's fine, Scary. I'm glad you went to the bathroom. That's fine.

It's fine. Fine. I just walk out of there. And you pass out Taylor who gives you like a thumbs up. I turn around to Taylor. I go, yeah. Yeah, this is my P2. Just so you all know, this is my P. I peed myself. That's okay, man. I got some. I got. I was asking if it's okay or not. Okay. I was just letting you all know because.

Just trying to keep the circle of trust here. I'll go ahead and wash those for you, honey, so you don't track it around my home. Sure. Sure. I take off my pants. Okay. I shouldn't take off my underwear. No, I got a long shirt on. I just take off everything. You're with me the pooey. I don't need to worry about the long shirt. I hold my underwear. Normal has some spare underwear to get you. I got you, man. I got you.

man. I'm holding my underwear and my, my pants out to her. Okay. So she, thank you so much. Oh God. And she takes them away and she goes, thanks for the, can you get some of your underwear and some of your, your pants? Yeah, for sure. For sure. Thanks for the Shasta. And you can just tell me how much the door will cost and you just send an invoice to my house, I guess.

Okay, I'm not going to do that. That's okay. Kids will be kids. It's not a big deal. And she goes and you hear the dish... The dish washer! We mosh this with our food. Alright, Scary. Well, I hope Willie is better than this guy. I have a point to myself. Because, uh...

Yeah, I walk away. Nick leans on the door jam of the den and he looks at all of you attempting to walk away. I'm going to walk into their conversation. Oh, yeah. That's funny. Yeah. So you walk into their conversations are coming up with this plan and you have no shirt on and you smell like this. Wow. I peed myself. OK, I don't think you need to be a part of this conversation. Scary is leaving. Yeah, she is. All right.

and he fucking fist bumps you. Fist bump my dad. Fucking fist bumps you so hard. I have such a good relationship with my dad. We love each other so much. So tight. Dad's hooking it up. Yeah, don't worry. I got an idea. Hey, scary. What? Do you want to get out of this popsicle joint? You want to blow this popsicle, salesman? What? Salesman? No!

I'll get out of here. The FBI just busts the door down. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Get on the ground. Get on the ground. Yeah. I want to get out of here. All right. So he uses his horn to carve another portal into the world. And this one, you can see, lands back in a...

quasi-familiar spots of this universe, so you think. And he goes, after you. I'd be suspicious of him. I think you would be rightfully suspicious. Yeah. Can I roll? Insight. Yeah. I got an 18. Wow. So you know exactly what, you can immediately see that like what he's showing you is the window out of the International Space Station. He put the portal so close to the window that he was hoping you would just see the doodler's body and think that you were anywhere on Earth. But now you can see the reflection in the light and see

the corpses of the other ISS astronauts just floating around aimlessly in the fucking ISS. No, thanks. I'll show myself out. I cast my cantrip poison spray at him. Oh, wow. What? Great. So he failed his constitution saving. Scary, don't mace my dad. So you mace him with this poison smelling mist. And he goes, oh, fuck, oh.

And he leans over in pain and his head is on the other side of the portal and he goes, oh, fuck, Jesus Christ. His head goes through the portal and he knocks the back of his head against the window of the International Space Station. You see cracks begin to form. And when he hits his head against there, he falls unconscious. And as he falls unconscious, he can no longer keep the portal up and it bisects him. Ha ha ha!

What? And so his legs are just sort of hanging out in your room and the rest of his body is on the other side. At his hips? Yeah, at his hips. Darth Maul style? Yes, he's Darth Maul in front of you. Cool. I'm going to be out here. Maybe with my help, Willie and I can even the scales against the mayor. I walk out the front door. Dad! As she's stepping out, I'm seeing that you cut my dad. Well, I guess my dad cut his own head off.

accidentally. She was indirectly responsible for his death. For yet another death. Also his stump and the rest of his body fall down and are leaking blood onto your shag carpet. Oh God! I'm going to cast Spike Growth outside the door so that Scary can't just walk away from this. Okay.

Okay. It's difficult terrain, piercing damage every five feet that the creature travels. So I think what it is, is I see Scary trying to just walk away from this and I kind of lean out the window and I deploy my Caltrops. Okay. All outside towards the FBI and in between where she's walking.

Great. I feel like the reason I didn't get a chance to react was because I was putting on Normals underwear so that I don't look naked. Sure. Thank you, Solis O. Garcia. And I'm going to try to get in front of the door. Do we want her to leave or not? What are you guys doing? You guys are so obsessed with making a decision and something coming from it, but then you can't even make up your minds about whether or not you want me to get out of here. So I'm going to get out of here. Well, Scary, I've made a decision, okay? And the decision is we gave you an option and you didn't take it, and now you're dangerous.

So you're not going anywhere. That's my decision. You're staying here. We don't trust you, and I can't let you go because Willy's dangerous. So yeah, good luck. You're not going anywhere. We haven't had a long rest, so I can't do any spells. I feel like when you get a red vine, yeah. A red vine and a shasta is a short rest and a red vine is a long rest.

You're not leaving. That's it. Like you wanted a choice, but now that we're on ops ends, like you're dangerous to us. You're not leaving. If you want to get through us, you'll have to kill me. Okay. I guess I'll make myself at home. I cast fireball. You know that no one knows us better than us. You should tell myself it'll be okay.

We got a bit today. No, not today. Tomorrow.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Special guest Jimmy Wong as Jodie Foster. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by a Patreon that consists of

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Wait, Hermie had a vote. What are you doing here? So there's four of you. There's four of you and then one of Hermie, so five. So three people would be enough. I'm a passive listener.