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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Animehab. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons of new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kind of...
It's all kinds of stuff, dude. I was thinking solely anime. From Family Guy to American Dad, they've got it all. Solar Opposites, Hit Monkey, American Dad. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. If you're looking for a favorite animated show, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Hem. Your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.
Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. It's been without you, Schmagan. So much about you, like your name is Schmagan. You were a kid who attended high school. Bet that all your friends are sad cause you were so cool. Cause you were so cool.
What? Why me? All the friends you had? I only knew your dad. Why am I the one to have to spit about you, Brad? We never met. You like soccer? Maybe you had a pet? But honestly, your dad never mentioned it.
I'm sure you were great, but I got so much on my plate. The journey started fun, but now I'm feeling numb. And worst of all, my new voice is super dumb. My theology is geology. I'm not a man of faith. But Schmeggin', I'm begging God to take me in your place. You had a moistened eye in mine. So brilliant, so clear. No wonder you were the museum's favorite volunteer. But you were more than that, Schmegs. Heck, you helped me name my daughter. So me and Mercedes will raise our birdie in your honor.
How can we not talk about heaven when heaven's the kingdom of God? Every soul can get there through the love of Jesus Christ. Now you're gonna see him cause you're back to life. Without you, Schmagan. I know so much about you like your name is Schmagan. You were a kid who attended high school. All your friends are sad cause you were so cool. Cause you were so cool.
First time I said hi, your eyes looked down to the floor. I said my name's Stacy, you haven't met me before. That hi turned into friendship, friendship into a love. Soon you were meeting my dad and he was calling you son. It's just a high school romance, but it felt like much more as I practiced my vows down at the wedding dress store. Heard you died, didn't cry out of denial and doubt. I swear to God if you're in heaven, Brad will come rip you out.
How can we not talk about heaven when heaven's the kingdom of God? Every soul can get there through the love of Jesus Christ. Now you're gonna see it cause you're baptized.
Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a D&D podcast about four kids from our world thrown into another world. Anthony, stop watching YouTube videos. I was trying to get to my fucking notes and I hit the wrong tab. I was trying to get to Pornhub and then the sound was on. I'm just trying to do what I always do when we do Dad Facts, which is just watch somebody get railed.
Mom, it was a virus. You don't just turn your webcam on? How did this pop-up happen? I don't know, Mom. It's so weird. It's like an Xbox controller. Oh, it's probably just because you buy feminine products on Amazon, Mom. Probably because I'm such an ally. That's probably why I showed up.
Back in the day, kids, you have one family computer. That's what we're talking about. Oh, yeah. You don't know what the phrase white knuckle means. Okay. It's the Dungeons and Dragons podcast. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the rock and roll cool ranger anime head. That's a team. Or is he? You're on a body now, right? Did I get...
You're on Teenie to Teen's Body. You're on Teenie. You're a mecca. Since we're about to engage in some sports, some sporting, some sporting events here, finally, once again, the podcast finds itself doing what we all should have been doing in high school. I'd like to give a little Taylor fact, which is that Taylor doesn't shower. What?
Taylor doesn't shower. That doesn't seem like a surprise. He takes baths? No, no, no, no, no. The time Taylor showers is before physical activity, before strenuous physical activity. But other than that, he just straight up. So does he not shower or does he shower before? Here's how Taylor treats his body. Okay. He treats his body like Freddie Wong treats his car in a car wash, which is when it rains, it gets a little cleaner and we're good. We bought a little bit of time.
I feel like my whole steez is being chomped right now. I feel like this is an encroachment on normal stinky boy styles. No, no, no, because Taylor is not a stinky boy. Excuse me? Listen, Jimmy and I in the room looking at each other, we know this power, and you could have it too if you are the Asian persuasion. Actually, no, you can't have it. You either do or you don't. You can't get it. Jimmy knows this well. I'm going to call Jimmy out right now. Jimmy, big not showering fan, I got to say. Yeah, it's true. Of all the people in this room, I probably shower the least.
What? What's happening on this podcast? I don't know. Jimmy inspired my fact this week. Okay, what is your... Okay, just... The only time he showers is right before he does that. Okay, I just need to know... I don't know why I need to know, just for the people who write our Wikipedia. Nobody writes on Wikipedia.
Does he not shower or does he shower before events? Okay, so when it rains, Taylor counts that as like bathing. Okay, so he doesn't shower. So he goes outside, just waits in the rain. Yeah, yeah, and walks around moodily. Well, that's romantic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he always is like, before the soccer game, he's going to, you know. I'm going to need you to explain one more time how he's not stinky. That's what I'm going to need to understand. I don't have body odor. Some people don't have body odor. Yeah, but like your hair gets greasy, doesn't it? Sure, sure, yeah. And when I take a shower, it's because of my hair, to be honest. Or I like sweat a lot. And Taylor, so Taylor's got stinky hair. No, he tucked that all in that pork pie hat, you know what I'm saying? That's worse. That's worse.
Here's what it was. He got like Yuzu air fresheners inside the pork pie hat. Oh, God. All right. And scent is a very complicated sense. It comes out smelling great. This is my fiction. I'm taking it. I apologize for asking a follow up question to Freddy's.
This is your fault, Matt. Yeah, sorry. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the school-dead-home soccer kid, protective paladin of the group. A little swerve from Freddy's fact here. I want to get a little serious. I want to talk about Lincoln. He did have a best friend when he was growing up. And unfortunately, his best friend did die when he was eight years old. Oh, no. It's an animal. It's an animal. No. It's imaginary. His best friend was called Mr. Kicks. And it was his creative character on his FIFA game. And...
They transferred that. They made it. And then they transfer that character every year. He's made it when he first started playing FIFA. And every year they would transfer Mr. Kicks from one save file to the next every single year. And that was kind of like Lincoln's only friend. Like when his dads were busy or whatever, he would just play with Mr. Kicks. And let's just say sometimes the play extended beyond the soccer field. And, you know, he may talk with them, stay in the character screen for a little bit, just hang out.
And unfortunately, when the guy who soaks, I got a new console, but it wasn't backwards compatible and they messed up the transfer and Mr. Kix's save file was gone forever. And he's in cyber hell now. Which layer of hell is cyber hell where deleted characters go? You can just remake Mr. Kix now. No, you can't.
you can't remake all those stats. He has four years of stats. You absolutely can. Well, you could remake the character model, but it wouldn't be Mr. Kicks. Sure, you could repaint the Mona Lisa. Yeah. It's not the Mona Lisa. It's not Mr. Kicks. It's the Mr. Kicks of Theseus. When does it stop becoming Mr. Kicks? The stats wouldn't be the same as he did. No, he even did that, Anthony. He did. He made a new Mr. Kicks, and then he looked and said, hours played, hours played. He said, one minute. And Lincoln stared with a tear in his eye.
knowing that no, the Mr. Kicks he knew, he had played with a lot longer than one minute. That Mr. Kicks Link got to talk to about things that were really, really like bothering him while he dribbled, while he dribbled in an idle loop animation. Mr. Kicks, RIP in peace. Hi everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal Oak. He's a perky peppy chipper cheery school spirit mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. That's,
about normal this week fun fact about normal normal is such a fan of teen high how big of a fan is he he right he's the uh most published author in the uh teen high fan fiction sub forum on ao3 uh he writes like a lot of like high school fan fiction about the school ao3 is a cyborg version of alexandria ocasio-cortez also you just whisper fan fiction into her ear
She judges you. Archive of our throne, queen. So yeah, he writes a lot of stories mostly about what would happen if the mascot was real and had to go to the school and was friends with the other mascots from other schools. Oh my god.
He wrote one that was just about a kid who wakes up one day and is a mascot. And like, he does not realize that he essentially just rewrote the metamorphosis. It's about someone turning into a cool big mascot and then their life is great afterwards. Question. Does anyone else write on this fan fiction forum? You know what? I feel like it's one of those ones where there's like three other mystery posters. Yeah.
And like he's left his latest saga, like the sort of like the Maya mortal of teen high fanfic, if you will, like off on like a pretty big cliffhanger since the adventure started. And then can I ask, is he the only one who's kind of doing like school centric based? Like, do you know what I mean? Like, is it very obvious it is him? Like what's his username? Like who are these mystery fan fiction writers? And then one of them's like in the world where Taylor's dating. It's like, who's this mysterious writer?
The coolest kid in school, Taylor Swift. And AU, where you're attractive. Pepperoni Johnny's probably on there too. I mean, he was. I was just thinking, yeah. Oh, that's actually pretty good. Yeah, when the writers just stopped writing. Oh, no, no, no. It's so sad. It's just about the beloved masculine principal. On that note, my name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlow.
Boo. I read that chair when you said your name. She hasn't even done anything bad recently. A goth punk seeker of darkness, rebeller teen, betrayer teen who is not like the other warlocks. You tell him. Fun fact about Scary this week. It's a pretty involved fact. You kind of have to get into the world of Scary for a minute. It's actually a poem. It's not a fact. It's a poem. I mean, boo.
This is what was going through her head as the last episode came to a close. I'm going to try to separate the artist from the art. I'm writing this in my head. No pen. The pain in my hand is a 10 out of 10. Hand, or should I say lack thereof. The fires of hell fit like a glove.
10 pain, 0 friends, 22 take the pitch. I'll win this game faster than y'all said, bitch. Damn. Damn. Was that all lowercase? I couldn't tell. It was all lowercase. I could tell. The way she said it, it was very obvious. As a real poet, can you tell at poetry slams if someone's like, that's an all lowercase poem? Yes, absolutely. You can. Really? This is a skill you must teach me.
No, okay, I will. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Jimmy, introduce yourself. Can you, as someone, tell when someone says they're going to do something for you and they're not going to do it? I can't. I can't. This has been a long life full of disappointment. I'm waiting for so many people to get coffee with me. That's very L.A.
Wow.
Not really by choice. His wife left him. And you're like king of like half of hell, right? You know, I think our reality is whatever we project onto it. And so he definitely projects that he is a loner. You're only as alone as you feel. And everyone else has wronged him as opposed to the other way around. That sounds toxic. But maybe we'll see some character development. Well, who knows? Jody's dad fact for today actually ties to something that he didn't really realize was going to happen when he changed back to the king of hell, the demon that he is, the Balor.
In that everything was going to fuck up. Everything was going to go differently because he had basically two consciousnesses now, right? He had like the human one that was just great cop dad. And then he has the demon one, which is does not care about anyone else at all. And one might say that perhaps the two are actually inextricably linked.
But it was like two personalities clashing and then forming into this current thing. And as a result, he's just been extremely downtrodden ever since. And just to give some people some backstory, this is what led to Morgan being like, all right, this is...
This person is not who I married, not who I care about. In fact, it seems like they're just a different person entirely. And then that's why they divorced is he could not handle the two consciousnesses. I don't feel bad for him. Yeah, I know. I do too. No, I said I don't. He's complicated. So I have to feel bad about him. But people need to understand it's tough. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. So that's why Jody thinks the divorce happened. Yeah.
That's what Jody says at the bar to his friends. Exactly. I saw some comments that not unreasonably were like, ah, it's kind of a bummer that Morgan and Glenn are back together because I thought his whole growth was that he like got over the fact that he needed to be with his wife. And I get that. I understand that. But in my head, my head canon is that after season one, when Glenn was like, I'm just going to, you know, stand by the sideline, let him be raised by his parents or whatever.
He became a really cool, good friend of the family and like being chill and around them and not trying to like be with Morgan made Morgan go like, oh, this guy's kind of interesting. Oh man, he became Fableman Seth Rogen. Yeah, I guess. I mean, it's like, I think of all the things in the show, the least believable thing is that there is a woman who exists who is attracted to both Jodie the cop and Glenn Close. So if that person exists and you have a choice between the two, you're going to choose Glenn Close. Women contain multitudes. And not the demon part, that's for sure.
No, I did the demon party without a problem. When we last left you, you were about to start a soccer game against the 12-in-1, the last demon in the 666 hateful hell demons that Morgan Freeman and Glenn Close were going to go assassinate. Just to clarify, Schmagan's kid died. Schmagan's kid died. We never learned their name. Yeah, he does have a name. I did name him a while ago and I forgot about it because his fucking cares. It's Brad, I believe. It's Brad, yeah. Brad Schmagan is now with the Angels because he was baptized. They murdered him.
Yeah, they killed him. They did the Battle of the Bastards thing with Rick and Stark where they had him running him and then slowly started throwing fireballs at him. Taylor looks up and goes like, dang, I wish it would rain down here. You know what? Let's cut out his dad fact. So that's just a thing he says. Just hang free after a fucking drive.
So yes, when we last left you, Normal had kicked the ball, I guess, over to the other team. I don't know how soccer works, but I assume everybody's just watching the ball. I'm pretty excited to play the soccer game with you then. And do you need to take like four seconds to just read the rules of soccer? No, I mean, I know that you can't use your hands and it has to go in the goal. Yeah, you got it. That's the beauty of soccer. Well, one person can use their hands. Yeah, one person does get to use their hands. Two people can use their hands.
And the other people can use their hands. They can't just touch the ball with it. No, they're tied to their sides. You can use them to balance if you want to. Yeah, the ref uses their hands to raise cards. Speaking of the ref, as the game starts, you see a flash of fire and a large red creature appears with horns coming out of its head. The Chicago Bulls mascot? No. No.
It's a version of you from another parallel universe on Patreon would have heard before, which is the former Satan. Just he was just called Satan. And he goes, game on, everybody. And you do a thing to my voice to make me sound really deep. If you went into his mind, you would see that he was really upset because he wanted to torture people by putting them in entourage episodes forever. But somebody came down, Glenn, and ruined hell. So now he's just a ref for this final game of soccer. Damn.
Damn. What a good squirt. So. Better to ref at hell than score in heaven? I don't know, man. It's up there, right? It's up, yeah. So why doesn't everybody give me initiative rolls? All right. Okay. Just like real soccer. I rolled a 17. All right. Plus three. 18. Oh, 20. 20, 18 plus two. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ooh.
Big rollers. Glenn Close rolls a 15. Taylor Swift rolls a 19. Normal got a one. It's okay. It's okay. So the people that have 20 initiative are Jody, Scary, and Link. So amongst the three of you, decide who goes in what order. What did the soccer boys roll? You'll find out. They're enemies. I don't tell you usually. Can you help us understand the position of everyone? I'm center mid. Scary. Is left striker. And Morgan is right striker.
Normal and Hermie are soccer guys. Yeah, the defenders. They're going to play soccer. Let's abstract it out. Yeah. If you're near the ball, you're near the ball. If you're kind of far away from the ball, you're kind of far away from the ball, or you're the goalie. Those are the three zones you can be at. Normal, it's not a big deal. Okay, ignoring the actual names, like Scary and Morgan, they're going to try to score. I'm like in the middle. I'm essentially like, I'm the mediator. Like you. You're the therapist of the team? Yeah, I'm essentially bringing the ball.
From the defense to them. So I'm just there to help everybody. Oh, okay. And you guys are just there to stop the ball from going in the goal. You're the defenders, okay? Yeah, I will hold the goal. So we're like the therapist when it's time to set boundaries. Yes, perfect. And yes, and Taylor? Just get the ball to me, okay? Yeah, just get the ball to Scarry. I did already kick the ball, so I think it's over there now. Oh, fuck. Oh, that's right, yeah. Do I need to make an athletics roll? Yeah. Okay. See how far he kicked it. Ooh, I got an 11.
Okay, so the 12 and 1 demons are going to roll opposed. They only got a 6, so you managed to get control of the ball. I won! I scored a goal! No. Allow me to continue describing. You managed to get control of the ball, but standing between you are the guys who are near the ball, the guys who are kind of far away from the ball, and the goalie. So you have three gradations of people between you and the ball. But we got three moves first. Yeah. Yes. Let's pull a Bournemouth versus Arsenal. You soccer fans know what I'm talking about. That just happened this week, so don't worry about it.
Look, I know some people will listen to this. Why guys watch soccer is a big deal. Probably. Let's just try to score right away. Let's just do a quick score. Let's try to score in nine seconds. So we got the three of us. If I go first, I could kick it to you, Beth. Yeah. How about a solid through ball, huh? Yeah. Solid through ball. I'm going to do a solid through ball. Anthony. Yeah. So do it.
Roll athletics. Okay, I did it. Roll athletics. Link seeing what normal threw down, not thinking it was a mistake, thinking, fuck yeah, this guy's got initiative. This guy knows what's up. Fucking get them on the wrong foot. Run straight to the ball and he's going to kick a through ball. Nice little lob over the defense. Right into a fucking hole in the defense for scary to run into.
That's a 20. That's a 16 plus four. Jesus, really? Yeah. Okay. They're the good ones at soccer. Do I roll to time my run? Yeah, sure. You landed exactly where you wanted to, Matt. Right at the top of the box. Right in the back of the net. That would be a natural 20. It would be an accidental goal. So I got a nine plus six. That's 15 for my run. I'm going to have them roll against that. God damn it. The 20s.
12 and one is not doing so well today. So yeah, you managed to intercept it very quickly. It's just between you and the goalie at this point, essentially. Okay, can I roll for a six shot? Yeah. This is gonna be straight up warm mouth.
Told you. All right, 12 plus 6, that's 18. Jesus Christ. Okay, so describe how your kick goes and how the ball goes in. The run is perfectly timed. We're talking right at the back line of defense. As soon as Link's foot touches the ball, she's leaning into that run, bends it right into the front of the goal, and then as the ball is arriving at her feet, she hits it on the...
on the volley does a backflip. One hit. Oh, shit. Weak foot even. It's with her right foot. No left hand because she's like missing a fucking hand. Not that it really matters in soccer, but it does to her. Yeah, there's a trail of blood following you everywhere you go. There's a trail of blood. She does a backflip, two backflips. Nice. And then...
- Flips off the goalie when she shoots. - With her right hand. - With her remaining hand. - Okay, great. Yeah, and then it hits the back of the neck. There's a loud alarm noise and the Satan referee goes, "That's a one zero two." - Link pulls off his shirt, getting an instant yellow card as is the rules in soccer.
And on his chest, he's painted in blood for brat. Brad? What's his name? For brat? For brat? What's his name? Brad? His name was brat. Yeah, but you wrote brat. It says for brat on it. He's pointing. He just takes a yellow. He just walks away from the rat. I don't care. Just give me the yellow. Okay, so he gives you the yellow, which cuts off one of your legs. Oh my god! I'm gonna roll for my celebration.
That's a 14. Let's see. I do another backflip and then I do the T pose that Alex Morgan did in the 2019 World Cup, even though there are no English people in hell. They don't have excessive celebration in football, do they?
It's soccer? It's soccer, yeah. Not really. Specifically, you're not allowed to take your shirt off. Yeah. Why? Because this just takes time. I don't know. They just said they put the line there. Brandi Chastain went too hard. Yeah, she did it once and they're like, oh, this is going to be a thing. They put the line there. Oh, I know why. I know why. Why? Because there's a chance you'll put on and flip it around and look like you're on the other team all of a sudden. False flag.
You know what I'm saying? You put it back on, they're like, oh, I got him on this side. Wait a minute, there's one more person, but that's too late. Another goal. So before Link's leg fell off, I feel like he just came back in. It doesn't fall off, sorry, but he takes the yellow card and like throws it at you like a fucking throwing star. So like fucking like a looper, like I just like I'm walking and like my leg disappears essentially. How much pain is actually happening? A lot. He like cut your leg off with the yellow card. Okay, so it's honed in like a red shell to your left leg. Jesus.
So I'm like nodding to scary. Just like, yeah, good shot. Also like good pass. You're not acknowledging the pain? Well, no, as it's happening and then my leg falls off. So like. Oh, I see. Okay. I start screaming and crying. Walk it off, Wayne. Is this real? Oh my God. No, it's real foul. What? Oh, come on. Okay. Taylor from the goal line. Get it back.
It's the lay of game. It's the lay of game. Did my leg really take it off? It's on the ground. It's on the field. You can see it. I crawl down and just try and put it back on. But this hell, right? These little rules just go back. Are you saving Private Ryan all of a sudden? Does anybody have that magic spray? That reflects him. Duct tape. Medic? You're a paladin. You have healing.
and you have heals, you have Lay on Hands. Lay your hands on yourself. So while Link's crawling to his severed leg, it is now Jody's turn. Quick question, D&D question. Can Link actually reheal his leg with Lay on Hands? He can heal the stump. To get the leg actually reattached, you'll have to do something harder than that.
Oh, actually, you can't lay on hands yourself. That's outside the scope of this. God does not want you to touch yourself. Because they're religious. Because they're religious. Yeah, you got to fucking chew cereal so you don't masturbate. Earlier, Glenn said he was doing something. Is that actually happening, considering the initiative order and all that stuff? Yeah, Glenn's about to go right after you. So if you want to hold a thing or do something or plan stuff together with Glenn, feel free.
Can you attach my leg? I don't think I can. I'm a 20th level paladin, but I'm a Nothbreaker paladin. My skills are not for healing and doing good things, really. He's the king of hell. I'm going to look at Lincoln and go, oh my, oh shit, that's bad, and just hold my action, waiting to see specifically so that the listener knows. I'm waiting to see what Glenn does first. Glenn's turn. All right, Glenn's going to cast Disguise Self. The other day I realized that all of us have our little things that we do. For Freddy, it's always, heh. For Will, it's, ah!
Glenn's gonna cast disguise self. You make yourself include your clothing, armor, weapons, blah, blah, blah. Look different until the spend ends or use action dismiss. Glenn probably has regenerate. Bards have regenerated. You're a little 20. I don't give a fuck about it. Glenn is not giving a fuck about this strange child. You fuck.
This strange shirtless child. I'm your kind of nephew. I don't give a fuck. All right. So basically, I look like the other team. Okay. I want to look like one of the kids. You don't have to roll or anything? Or do they have to roll in sight? Yeah. So if anyone contacts me, they'll probably figure that out.
Okay. That's fun. It's now 13-1. How many players are on your team? They'll know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was your action? You just looked like one of them now? I'm going to look like one of them, and then my move was going to be like, because we're resetting because there was a goal score. There's a little bit of a kickoff reset. I'm going to kind of like sidle back over towards the goalie and be like, uh...
Coach said I'm goalie now. All right. You're pretty close to him. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. I'm glad Glenn's continued the tradition of fucking being useless. 34. You already scored, dude. I know, I know. 21. All right. He is going to roll with advantage. All right. With a 17, he goes like, sounds good, man. And I'm going to roll to see if he slaps you on the shoulder encouragingly as he walks away. Okay. 11.
So he does. Wow. Hits you on the back and then you, your shit turns back into yourself, at least to him. He can tell, but only he can tell. I think Glenn's going to snap his neck. Like immediately. All right, roll. He's going to grab his hand that touches shoulder, swivel him around and then break his own neck with his own arm. All right.
All right, roll opposed. Athletics. That's 23. 16 plus 7. I now know how Aaron O'Neal felt. I know how Aaron O'Neal felt now. So yeah, you successfully, as he's going to go, you reach around and grab his arm and make him break his own neck with his own arm. And now he's on the ground dead next to you. And...
The other... But isn't he in hell? He's a demon. But he's already dead. How does that work? You can kill demons. Demons live in hell. They can be dead. You went past the corpses of 665 other demons. Oh, that's right. So he falls to the ground dead and all the other members of the team as they are again reorganizing to get ready for the kickoff see that there's a dead goalie next to you
And I assume, did you choose one of them exactly to look like? Or do you look like the goalie? I look like the goalie, yeah. Okay, so they see a dead goalie next to a standing goalie. And I'm going to have all of them roll not dumb fuck to see if they realize something's amiss. Something's definitely amiss. Can I roll something opposed here? No, you've done enough. Okay, so about half the team realizes that something is wrong. And they are going to head towards you. And that is your turn. Come on, delay of game.
So now it is Taylor's turn. Taylor's seeing that the other team is not kicking off. He's going to raise his hand. That's a yellow card. That's a yellow card. Delay of game. Delay of game. Okay. He's going to try and persuade Satan. That's delay of game. Go ahead. Give me a persuasion rule. Matt, is that the case? Is that a yellow card? What is the penalty? What, have you killed a goalie by pretending to be a goalie? No, no, no. In the entire team. But it's not that they haven't kicked off yet. That they haven't kicked off yet. Yeah, I guess it'd be delay of game if they were late. It's just weird for the, usually the team losing doesn't delay the game. It's usually the team that's winning delays the game. I know, but in this case, you know.
Roll your persuasion. Six. Six. Okay, I'm going to have Satan roll opposed. All right, he got a natural 20. You should be thankful because if you succeeded, he would have been given the yellow card to the goalie, which would have cut off Glenn's leg.
Okay, so he goes, no, no, it's fine. Grounds are five seconds. Give it a minute. Come on. I did my best. Now it is Schmagan and the FBI's turn. They are going to wait. They're going to hold their turn. Because they want to see how this game goes. Because they're waiting for the ball to get kicked off. All right, now it's the demon's turn. Five demons head towards you while the other six line up for the kickoff. So these five demons know that something's wrong with you and they are going to get really close and they're all going to roll investigation. It's an intelligence save. It's an intelligence save? Yeah, for this spell. Three of them...
One of them goes, well, the second one goes, well, and the third one goes, well, and they see through your disguise and they are going to plant their foot in the dirt and then puff their chest out. And then they go, ref, and they're not going to do anything to you. They go, ref, and the ref trots over and goes, whoa, what's going on? He gets close enough and now he's going to make an advantaged check.
So he sees through Glenn's charade and he goes, no murder. How many times do I have to tell you? How many times do I have to tell you and your girlfriend that there is no murdering allowed on this field? Red card. And he throws a red card and it slices both of your legs off.
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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, whey, whey, whey. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.
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We did the hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy... It looks like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.
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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. Glenn is now walking on stunts. So Glenn goes, ugh. Fantastic. All right. The other... We were waiting for something. What do you mean? Freddie, the way you... We were all staring at you. You felt like you were going to say something else. No. The legs cut off and then... It's like in like Tower of Terror. You know what I'm saying? When it drops a little bit. Yeah, yeah. That was the Glenn's feeling. And Glenn was like, ah, just like Tower of Terror. Tower of Terror.
All right. The six who lined up to actually kick off the ball, they do. One of them runs up quick enough to intercept it after they kick it. But then the rest of their roles sucked complete ass. So now they are basically two locations away from your goal. They basically have to get through one layer of you and then the goalie. So they don't manage to make it past your strikers or whatever. Now is Morgan's turn. Morgan.
Morgan is going to try to steal the ball. She whiffs it just a little bit and manages to try to slide tackle the demon with the ball, but she goes under, but it looks really cool. But she like fucking slides and like kicks a bunch of dirt and she looks like she has agency. And now it is normal. Sir. Good save. Seeing link clutching his severed leg on the ground. Normal runs over to him and says, Lee,
Link, hang on, I got something for you, buddy. And then Normal is going to trip over himself and pull off his pants. And over his underwear, he reveals that he's been wearing the item of the week. Yellow card. What? If you can't take off your shirt, you probably can't take off your pants. Your leg gets cut off as well.
All right, well, in that case, Anthony, the item of the week is the legs of long leg lengthening. This is a rare, wondrous item submitted by Bradley Branch. When worn, the user is granted the ability to extend their legs up to twice their length. Great. Does not have to be extended fully. So I'm going to just go ahead and extend my legs. Your stump. From the stump so that I'm still as tall as I was. So you have no, there's no knee, there's no joint, and there's no foot at the end, but you do have a fleshy peg leg lengthened.
that now goes down to roughly where your other foot is. Does it hurt? Yeah, it hurts! All right, I go, ow! Oh my god, I have a missing hand. Look at my feet! Look at my legs! They're right there! Men are such babies. I crawl over to you, because you're screaming. Brother! And I hold you, and I go, normal. Keep your head in the game. And I push you up.
Don't worry about me. Everything you do now while you have those two legs is you're going to have to do an acrobatic check before animation. Both his legs? I thought just one. Your leg and your flesh peg leg. Your flesh leg. Okay, so Jimmy, you were pulling your turn this way. So I only lost one leg. Yeah, you only lost one leg. You only got a yellow card. What the fuck?
yellow card you lose a leg yeah yellow card you lose a leg red card you lose both yeah it's not that complicated yeah Jimmy you were holding your turn did you want to do something yeah yeah yeah so I will now gauging that Glenn has failed and Morgan still has her legs but missed uh Jody but Morgan still
Jodie with his... He's going to walk away slowly. Gamers, I hope you understand. Jodie is not trying to kill these demons or win this game. He's trying to impress Morgan. So he's going to swoop on over and pick Morgan up as she's doing her cool slide and somehow give her more agency or take it away. I don't know. One or the other. Give her more agency.
definitely take more urgency. That's what he's doing. In his head, he's giving her more urgency. She falls down. Well, he thinks he's helping, so he picks her up and puts her back and does one of those like, nice, and then he's going to move to intercept the ball and help her basically by doing it himself. So your action was...
I'm in character. People, I'm an actor. You're trying to be like Tom Cruise and Rebecca, what's her face? Ferguson. You were sharing one gun. That means it's not weird. Yeah. Okay, so you managed to get her to her feet. Now you two are flanking the team demon with the ball.
Did you say something corny like, I used to sweep you off your feet? No, Joey's not cool enough for that. Thanks, Will, but no. He just kind of does like a, as he's doing it, like, I'm not cool or what? Agent Schmeggin and his two FBI guys are going to go now. They pick three random demons that are coming to try to support the guy with the ball, and they just sort of stand in their fucking faces and play it like American football because they're FBI agents, so they don't know how soccer is played. So they just keep fucking chest-checking them over again and just trying to prevent them from getting to the guy with the ball.
So now we go back to the beginning of the initiative again. So once again, Jody, Link, and Scary all have tied initiative. You can choose where you'd like to go in. And they have the ball in the air. They have the ball, and they have to get between your half of the field and the goalie. I'm going to cast Mass Suggestion, which is a six-level spell. God damn it, you've wanted to use this for so long. Yeah. You suggest a course of activity limited to a sentence or two and magically influence up to 12 creatures. God damn it! Ha ha ha!
Of your choice. They wrote D&D to fuck you, bro. You can see within range and that can hear and understand you. Creatures that can't be charmed are immune to this effect. So Link can be charmed. Okay. Link doesn't buy it. The suggestion must be worded in such a manner as to make the course of action sound reasonable. Each target must face a wisdom saving throw. All right, so I'm going to do 12 wisdom saving throws assuming you want to do all players and the breath. Yes, I would like to do that. Why don't you let Scary the woman have the ball?
All right. There's one guy with a ball and then five other people running alongside him. Three of those are occupied by the FBI. The person with the ball and three people occupied by the FBI go, whoa. And they put their hands up. They go, we don't want to. We don't want to, like, be. Yeah, I mean, yeah, of course. Yeah, we're allies. We're of course. And then the two others with them go like, fuck that. No, no. What? No. But the one with the ball stops kicking the ball and then goes after after you, man.
Oh, thank you. And then one of the guys on defense goes like, women have so many privileges in this society that nobody ever talks about. They have hot privilege. And then it's one guy and the other four are like, whoa, dude, calm down. We didn't know that. And the ref is like, yeah, that's problematic. So basically everybody except for three people were convinced by this mass suggestion that you should have the ball. But those three were able to see through the woke mindset.
mind virus. Those three red pill heroes. Hey, we just started a podcast. He's just talking about what's on her mind. How long does the suggestion last for? It lasts for... The rest of their lives. 24 hours. But the spell ends when the subject finishes what it was asked to do. So once Scary gets the ball, they will be satisfied.
Okay. Well, I mean, you got the ball. You stopped the score. So you cast that as your action. I assume you're going to move up to the ball with your move. All right. So you were right next to the ball. Very easily could be under your control. Now, Jimmy or Matt, it is your turn. I'm going to crawl to Taylor. Okay. You're like...
Sorry, bro. I need I. There we go. I need that. I need that candy cane back. I'm going to rip the candy cane out of his neck and then just like put his head on and then we impale the sharp end of the candy cane like into my stomach. So now I got like a candy cane. So where is Taylor's head now? Sitting on the top of. It's just like balancing awkwardly on the top of Dean. You know what? I could have sworn this was going in an
RRR, you're going to have to carry me direction. No, he needs to go, you know what, I break the candy cane in half because I don't need the full length of it for my stump. So I break the candy cane in half. So now his head is finally placed right on top because before it was like a weird fucking long neck monster. Okay. Yeah, so now I got a candy cane. So you have a candy cane peg leg. Go ahead and roll constitution to try to not pass out from the pain of doing that. Because it's peppermint. Peppermint stings when you put it on wounds. I got a two minus one. I don't know.
Oh, God. So, yeah, you don't even get it in by the time you pass out. The second the peppermint touches your bloody fresh stump. It's going to be pretty spicy. I stare at the other team. I go, this guy is not going to be so sweet. And I stab into my leg and I instantly just pass out in front of Taylor. Oh, what a bucko. All right, Jody, it's your turn. I'm right next to Morgan and we are close to the ball with Scary, right? Yes. The three of you are equidistant from the ball.
Okay. Glenn, shoot it. My plan is to, now that everyone is going to switch their attention right back to, oh no, we shouldn't have done that. I'm assuming. Once Scary gets control of the ball, yes. I'm going to use my...
my charisma. I'm going to, in a deep, booming voice, shout at everyone that is currently on Scary's side to add an additional idea to her math suggestion, which is once you get to the ball, you're going to do everything you can to not take it back. Sweet darn Don Bardo, the SNL guy. Yeah, yeah. And I'm going, I'm an ally!
i'm gonna start i'm gonna start chanting ally because i heard someone else saying like that's a great word ally so the eight people that are on scary's team are all going to try to save against that you're casting mass suggestion as well like the same thing no no i'm just yelling oh you're just using yeah now that they're in a state of mass suggestion i'm going to try and addendum well in that case you make a roll with disadvantage about persuasion roll disadvantage with
With disadvantage. Okay, 16 on the first one. 26 on the second one. All right, we'll take the 16. One person goes, okay. Another one goes, okay. Third one goes, okay. The fourth one goes, ah. Fourth one goes, no. And he got a natural 20. He's like, and I hate women now. No.
Fifth one says no. Sixth one says no. Seventh one says no. And the eighth one says no. So you got about half of them. So about four people are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that Scary does not lose the ball. But the other four just want Scary to get the ball and then they'll go back to normal. Now, can I tell who was convinced and who's not? Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, and I still have some movement, I'm assuming. Yeah. Okay, so for the rest of my action, I'm going to fly towards anyone that was not convinced. Okay. And use my big old bat wings and shove them out of the way. Just be a body block for them. Okay. I'm here to support my girl, Scary, and I look over and I'm like, Scary, you got this. You're the best. And Scary, like, I don't know.
I don't know. I think you see a lightness in Scary for the first time in a long time. She's having a good time. That's great. As Scary says that, you see in this fiery stands of the football field, you see a portal open and Nick Close steps out with no arms.
And looks at the scene with a lot of confusion. Welcome to the party, pal. You're perfect for soccer. He has no arms. He sees that his weird kind of uncle has no legs. And his son has no body. His son has no body. Yeah. There's a kid with a candy cane leg. He was just passed out. He was just like, oh my gosh. Wait a second. If we put all the severed limbs together. That's when we bring in Elise. We're like, you are the homunculus. You are Frankenstein. He sits down and ignores.
If he had arms, he would put his hand on his chin as he watches his son play soccer for the first time. And in that moment, Scarry, it occurs to you that it's just another time that you've seen somebody else's father in the stands watching them play soccer while yours was absent. Glenn, it is your turn. Just casually. So Glenn's going to look down the field, see the ball coming up. He's going to look around at the rest of the team from a lower vantage point, from about crotch height for everybody, and think, hey...
That's scary. You got a pretty good idea. Hey, everybody. And Glenn's going to cast a ninth level mass against 12 creatures of my choice. I'm going to go. I'm going to go.
Hey, isn't soccer kind of dumb? You should all touch the ball with your hands. We should all just pick up the ball and be way better and more fun. Deliberately touch the ball with your hands in an effort to stop a goal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Deliberately. Sorry. Yeah, thank you. Deliberately touch the ball with your hands like if there's just at all times. Just go up and let's pick up the ball.
That's a wisdom save of 19. 19? Yeah. I'm giving them advantage because they're already being suggested at. That's how that works. There were 11 people, because I'm assuming that Raph does not need to care about touching the ball. No, no, no. He gives himself a red card. Ritual red card. Seven of the 11 people
actually managed to save with advantage rolls. Wow. But four of them are like, I got a suicide fucking ball! Oh, I got a suicide ball! Does this go directly also against give the ball to scary? So they're like dealing with both suggestions simultaneously. Yeah, they are torn in two directions. They're a child's two worlds like Blade and they can't quite determine whether they want to touch it more or make sure the scary gets them more. Or maybe pick it up and then give it to scary. Maybe pick it up and give it to scary. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Synthesis. So...
Henry Clay over here compromising. All right. Now it is highbrow jokes on this. Now it is Taylor's turn. Oh, Link, Link. I'm going to just like start smacking him with the teeny body. Okay. Roll medicine. Boom. Boom.
Link, Link, we're playing the game. Come on, Link, Link. I smack him really hard over and over again for a three roll. So you managed to somehow actually damage him a little bit with your felt hand, but he does not awaken. In which case I'm going to drag his body to like cover one part of the goal, like horizontally. I'd be like, just a little bit of cover on the right flank there. That's great. All right. The difficulty for them to make a goal is now one higher because his body is blocking it.
Man, and they always say center mids never go back to defend. Nice. Right. Schmeggin and the FBI are going to like put their hands up and move back because the two guys they were guarding are like, we got to touch that ball. Whereas Schmeggin is going to try to roll a saving throw against his anger. He failed. So he's going to pull out his gap and he is going to aim at the one that shot at his son and killed his son. And he is going to start blasting and he's
Every single one of his bullets misses. Oh, is he doing it like in point break where he's like on the ground and shooting in the air? He's not shooting in the air. He's shooting at the guy, but he is doing a 90 degree rotated point break. That's called missing. It's called 90 degree point break. He's angrily missing. So the ref sees this, sees that he's missed the other soccer player and yellow cards him and...
cuts off one of his legs and he goes, there'll be more of that if you keep shooting. And meanwhile, he's sitting there like fucking reloading. He's like, I'm going to keep doing it. Doesn't matter. It's like attempted murder. If he hit him, it would have been a red card. Yeah, it would have been a red card. Absolutely. Come on, ref. What are you, blind? Let him play.
- Let 'em play! - Let 'em play! - All right, so it's the demon's turn. So four of them are gonna rush forward and try to touch the ball. - Let 'em grab the ball, ladies! - So two of the four that desperately wanna touch the ball manage to run and they get there at the same moment and both of their hands touch the ball
before scary can touch it. Me cute. Yeah, and their fingers touch and they kind of stop and they look at each other and they're like, oh. Well, well, well. Well, well, well, well, well. And in that moment, two red cards sizzle through and cut both of their fucking legs off. Oh my God. I love that handball is a red card.
That's how it should be. Is it just a yellow card in real life? It's no cards. It's just a penalty. No, no, no. It's a red card. It was a deliberate handball. It's a stop a goal. That's why. Yeah. They both got red carded. So now two of the, I'm just going to take them out of the initiative. They're going to hold hands and sort of like push themselves off the field and sort of think about their feelings. I hope those two crazy kids can make it work. Like sea otters who hold their hands. Yeah. Do you know what that's called? What's it called? A raft. A raft.
a raft of otters. That's very cute. Okay, so the other two that just wanted Scary to have the ball, actually it's not just two of them, it's like six of them, are going to run up and try to create a human shield around Scary, like just a circle encircling Scary to make sure that no one can touch the ball other than Scary. I've knocked a few of them off to the side, right? Yes. A couple of them are off to the side, and then the three remaining ones, the only ones who still have clear heads, didn't want to touch the ball with their hands, and didn't want Scary to have the ball,
are going to sigh at the same time and then three voices go, well, well, well, I wanted to do this with more people, but I guess it's not a bad idea to start now. Assemble! And the three of them grab hands like the fucking fusion dance from Dragon Ball, and they kind of rotate onto their side and start rotating like a fucking satellite, just like a tunnel of three people with their hands intertwined, defying the laws of gravity, and they're going to start spinning, spinning, spinning, and some wind is going to start picking up.
And you feel the wind sort of pushing you towards the tornado of people. It's way weaker than it would be because it's supposed to have 11 people doing it, not three. So are they one unit now or are they still three separate? Those three are one unit now. They're not like physically, like if you hit them with a bomb, they would fall off into three different people that all had sentience and stuff. I fucking hate, I hate this mechanic in boss fights. Okay, hold the joystick away from the boss. All right.
I just stopped playing for a moment while I hold back on the controller. I literally just finished playing Metroid Prime 3 and that mechanic is in it. Oh, yeah. We're going to shoot the guys and make them go into the thing. A cyclone is being formed in front of you and a circle of people are around you. And now it is Morgan's turn. And she is going to, I guess she's just going to hold her turn
because everything's going pretty well right now do we not have any goals until we've lost a lot of limbs and oh yeah you guys have lost a lot of limbs and she doesn't know you Morgan Morgan is a she's a limb restorer ranger she's a rain bard Glenn has a regeneration he does she's seen this cyclone happen before because she's fought these guys before she's gonna try to stop it and she is going to basically try to do a really rowdy slide tackle to dislodge them from each other she
She gets a three because she's so busy thinking about all the other things she has going on in her life. And she can't have it all. But in this one instance, she does miss. Now it is normal's turn. Give me the state of the team. Who has limbs? Scary's kicking. Glenn has no legs. Scary only has one hand. I'm missing a hand.
Taylor is still totally fine. It's connected to a body. Did Nick bring his body back? No, Nick's just there with no arms. Nick's sitting there with no arms, just watching you in the stands. Link has one leg and it's passed out. And a couple of the demons got both their legs chopped off. So we're looking pretty banged up right now. Yes, you're looking pretty banged up. They're looking pretty banged up. I turn to the only person on the field on our side
that could help us. If only there was some way for them to help us. And I'm talking about Brad Schmeggin, Schmeggin's dead kid, who I crawl over to and cast Revivify. You touch a creature that has died within the last minute. That creature returns to life with one hit point. The spell cannot return to life a creature that has died of old age, nor can it restore any missing body parts. Okay. So he goes, I was in heaven! What?
I wasn't happy! He's having tea with Jesus. He literally just does the entire Buffy musical. Yeah, Buffy thing. And he's just fucking miserable and he's looking at his hands and he goes, why did you do this to me? You gotta help us win this soccer game. Look, Schmacky. I didn't have to do anything. You're Schmacky, your son's alive again. He's back. I brought him back.
on the back. Is that better? So Schmigget turns and sees his son's alive. He goes, now we can stop playing soccer. Oh, Schmigget. My boy Brad, come to me. And he's like, crawling towards him. He's like, you mean nothing to me now, father. I've met my father and he is in heaven.
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So, yes, I'm going to add Brad into the... Hey, folks, if you're wondering why Normal didn't do this with Tony Pepperoni a couple episodes, it's because I did not know this spell existed. But we'll say in canon, like, you know, Willie stopped him from doing it, right? Something like that? He kept you there for a minute straight while he bled out. You just had to stare at him, and it really fucked with you. All right, so Brad Schmagan is now in the initiative. You have revived him. He is furious. Someone's got another mass suggestion we can fix that up. So now we're...
Like being alive. Now we're back at the top of the initiative. So again, Jimmy, Matt, Beth, whatever order you would like. I have the ball. Let's see.
Should do a pretty sick trick. So the second you get the ball for the circle of people who are defending you go Oh, she's got the ball. Hey, wait a second. What the fuck and they are now offensive to you But the other four go like no she's far enough You should be thankful for that scary looks to the sidelines where there's nobody that she recognizes and then she looks at link and
And she's like, wait, get your head in the game, man. Snap up. And I look straight. Who's the first person I see? Taylor. What's the score? Ah, what?
I shake my head. I stand up. I see you scary. All right. I'm thinking a one, two. You better give it back to me, though. You're all the way at the other end of the field, though. With one leg. Fucking run so fast. First of all, I got 30 feet speed. I'm faster than everybody else. So 15 with one leg. Yeah, but you have one leg. You could hop at. I got a candy cane leg. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know how to tell you that. The way I described it to you is that you began to put it in and then you passed out. You're going to have to try again to jam it in and make it a proper leg. I will allow you to do that as a free action. I put the candy cane on the ground.
and then I just stomp my stump onto the top of the candy. Oh my God. Constitution with advantage because that's so horrifying. You guys realize that people with prosthetics don't impale themselves. They're not using a sharp candy cane. It's a candy cane. How is it going to be attached to my thing? I'm stamping it
Dude, just use a rope or something. So I'm fucking doing mine cool. Taylor goes, you know, Link, you could flip that 180 and then just like kind of lick it and like stick it in the stomach. 16. Okay, so the 16, the candy cane goes into your stump. Everything goes black for a second. You are in excruciating pain, but you managed to stay with us and you can basically do your turn. Just like Ira Glass.
I turn the candy cane so that it's like, it's not, it's not like the curve of the candy cane is like pointing forward. It's like pointing to the right. So I got like, I have like a hockey stick, you know? Sure. Like on my foot, you know, just making sure. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It's just to describe when I'm going to kick the ball and I start running across the field. Yeah. I feed him the first part of the one, two. Fuck.
That's a six. I guess I'm so like in love with having the ball at my feet that I'm just actually like, no, I can take this. Just like tears, tears of pain in my eye.
That's great. Okay. Well, just shoot then. Just shoot. If you're not going to give it to me. You tried to pass it. So you've got the ball and you just like hesitate for a second. I think. Okay. Scary's got the ball. Matt, Jimmy, it is one of your turns. I feel like Matt getting up was basically free. Can you explain the cyclone thing a little bit more? Like what happened when Morgan failed to disrupt it and will it inevitably stop scary? Why don't you ask Morgan in character and I can have Morgan tell you in character. Wow. That's amazing. Thank you, Anthony. What a blessing. Thou art in heaven. Joe,
Jody's going to look at Morgan and go, what happened? What's going on? You've seen this before. It's a ball cannon. They're going to suck the ball in and then shoot it back at the goal with incredible force. And it'll fucking, that's how they won last time. They just keep doing that over and over and over again. And we can't stop them. How long is there a certain score point where this game ends? Are there any other rules that we should know about before we keep going? It ends at three. Three. Okay, cool. Maybe sooner. Do they do this every single time? Can we stop them? How do you stop them? How did you stop them? I don't know. We didn't stop them. That's why we haven't beaten these guys yet. You never listen. God. God.
never listen. God, you never listen. What? You know who also listens to me? Glenn. I heard everything, babe. He doesn't process it properly. He can't like fully understand, but he's trying. Babe, I'm doing my best. You're doing your best and that's all I can ask of you. Thank you. Love you. I appreciate it. We'll get your legs back. That's okay. Thank you so much though. You're such a joy in my life. Oh, you're a joy in mine. It's incredible. Jody, you were a
a joy in mind. So Jody is... I didn't hear that part, but I agree. Jody's going to let out a deep, deep bell of... Bestial. Yeah, bestial, angry scream. He's going to jump up with his wings and he's going to land very close to the Dread Cyclone. And I'm going to cast Dreadlord.
out of my gloom. So I surround myself as an action, an aura of gloom that lasts for one minute and reduces any light around me and also anyone that's frightened by its turn in the aura. They take 4d10 psychic damage. Try having a lifetime of an aura of gloom. So they, what, roll a saving throw to see if they get frightened or not? Whatever enemy that's frightened by you, so whatever that decider is, it takes 4d10 when it starts their turn. And then
Any creatures of my choosing in the aura are draped in deeper shadow, and they have disadvantage on anyone in the shadow. And then I can also use a bonus action while the aura lasts to make the shadows in the aura to attack the creatures in there, one of them. Oh, Jesus, okay. Yeah, so they take necrotic damage. So currently they are at disadvantage. But my reason for doing so as a character is I am so sick and tired of hearing these two just say sweet nothings to each other that I'm going to cast all of my male depression into this single aura. Ah!
and surround this area so hard. That's great. So is it also like a shadowy, like nobody can see into it now? It's an aura of gloom and reduces bright light in the 30-foot radius around me to dim light. So people can see. It's kind of like we're in shadows, basically. Okay, cool. That's great. Yeah, they are now surrounded by these shadows that are sort of clawing at me. You can decide if you want to make them attack with your bonus action, but basically they are going to have a disadvantage for the accuracy of their suck in and blow out.
Are they still spinning around? They are still spinning around, but they're going to basically be at the disadvantage. Yeah, all right. So I'm going to use the bonus action on my turn then to have the shadows attack them. Okay. And it's a melee attack against just one of them, so I can't do any more than one. Okay, so one of them gets melee attacked. Go ahead and roll a melee attack for them, I guess. Okay. Does this mean Satan's going to try to cut your feet off, though? The shadows are doing it, not me. No, no, no. Just go, just do your move. Just do your thing. All right.
25. Okay, so one of the shadows just fucking smacks one of the soccer players really hard as he goes by and opens a big gash on his chest. And the ref goes, No attacking the players! And he throws a red card at you and slices two of your legs off as well. And now you have landed very close to Glenn. Yeah.
Just two bros just bleeding out right next to each other with no legs between you. Even though it was a shadow doing it, not me. He saw you cast the shadow. You didn't like make a secret of it. Bro, you trying to get a technicality off on the ref, bro? Man, fuck off! This is you. This is so like you. Trying to get a technicality off for all your actions. Always looking for excuses. Yeah, what are you? Always looking for someone else to blame. And you know what? You point a finger at something, you got three fingers...
Back at you. Now it is your turn, Glenn, incidentally. Jody is speechless. Yeah, that's right. That's right. This year a problem, man. This has always been your fucking problem, man. I'm just going to get my... Regenerate, casting regenerate on my own legs. By the way, if I hold my severed legs to myself, they just immediately reattach. I go...
And I do a kip up. Okay. 13 plus seven, 20. I do a fucking perfect kip up. Oh my God. You do right in front of Jodi. It's a one minute casting time. Oh, is it? Okay. I guess I'm down there and I'm just like, eh.
Yeah, yeah, we're shit talking and you're just trying to put your legs back on the whole time. I'm just holding my leg and just like wiggling my fingers on. You're seeing like a little light slowly go around the circumference of your legs like a fucking loading bar sealing your legs to your thighs. Just amending my legs on. But anyway, that's your problem, man. So you guys just fucking chill out and stop going after me, man. She just made her choice. In ten turns, you will have managed to get your legs together because each turn is six seconds and it takes a minute. Dude.
Scoot out of the way of the goal, you fucking idiot. I think Jody, in the childish manner, is going to try and, while he's doing this, grab Glenn's and try to have him solder his own legs on as like a pull-up. Oh, you're going to grab my other leg? Yeah, I'm going to grab your other leg or your hand to try and make you start doing my leg. Hey, hey, hey, hold this here. This is like super glue. You gotta hold it. It's just like super glue. You're holding his feet. His feet are on your stuff. Yeah, because you think he cast the spell on the feet and not on his stuff. Oh my god.
So go ahead and roll a post dexterity. You guys are going to be like cat dog. Confused. Yeah. Hey, what are you doing, man? Don't touch my legs. What are you doing? I'm not going to let go. What are you doing, dude? Every turn it should be Jody has to roll to hold on. If Jody can hold on for the ten turns, he gets to raise his legs now. Those are his legs now, yeah. Those are his legs, dude.
I'm attaching the stumps to my stumps, but then Jody's trying to attach my feet. You're smite cleats. You probably ripped off my shoes and are jamming the toes into your stumps. Yeah, basically. I refuse to allow him to get it before I do. Okay, so each of you roll your dexterity opposed. Okay, I rolled a... What are you doing? Screw you! I want
You're just gonna be one fucking sentient creature with a leg 13 plus 3 16 19 plus 3 22 Those toes are still going inside of his stump. Hey, what the fuck man? Those are my toes don't put them that way is a few gross I start feel a little bit you feel a wet and gross dude. I'm the king of hell. I tell I do whatever I want
whatever I want. These are my hell toes. You came here. These are my legs. Your legs are over there. You can see your legs right now. I'm going to take your legs. You know what? Fuck your legs and I'm going to cast. It's not your turn. It's not your turn. It's not your turn. This is just happening, I think, as the rest of this turn happens. Yeah, yeah. Link is just looking at all the limbs on the floor. These fucking two grown men fighting over a pair of legs on the floor and he's just exhausted and where did Taylor have...
Glenn had the pick. Where did Glenn have the pick? Get it in his crotch pocket. His little crotch pocket for his pick. So I'm going to stamp down on Glenn's chest and just pull the pick out. I'm just going to grab the pick. Hey, kid, what are you doing? What?
All right. I feel like you can roll something, but you're like... Yes, Glenn is going to roll with disadvantage. You're going to roll a posed sleight of hand. You have disadvantage, and I feel like Link has advantage. It's 13 plus 6, 19, dude. He's going to smack your little hand away. With disadvantage? Jesus. With disadvantage, bro. I roll a 17. Natural 20. Natural 20.
All right. So you pull out the pick from his crotch pocket before Glenn can even manage to slap a hand down on his. What the fuck? This game's dumb. Just all this is fucking dumb. What are we even doing here, guys? I got the pick. I don't care if you kill a demon or what. You're not going to help us. Nobody helps us guys here. And I toss it to normal. I don't know what you're supposed to do with it, but we got it. Fuck this game. Uh,
All right, let's say you begin to toss it to normal and it'll freeze in midair and then we'll do turns and stuff. And the pig's like, you probably wonder I can tell what the hell I got here. Crazy situation. All right, so Taylor. Are we supposed to destroy it? Yeah, when it gets to normal's turn, he will understand more about the act of destroying it. Okay, okay, yeah, I won't just eat it then. It's Taylor's turn. I guess Link's just leaving me here. Are you blaming me?
No, no. It's leaving you here. You got your whole body. Taylor's going to cast. Taylor's tied me up to a goal. You tied me up to a goal. Five times and then watched him get up and leave. He's like, I'm abandoned now. Once again. Once again. I am left here. Lone wolf holding down the fort as it were. I'm going to cast spike growth, which is Taylor is going to like just spread out all of his caltrops around the goal box in the mid area. Just like set a trap. So in case the ball does come here, everyone will get injured.
Is that just you being bored? Yeah, it's just me singing the Evangelion theme to myself. Nice. That's what that was. Okay, great. So now Schmagan and the two FBI agents go. Schmagan just crawls towards his son and embraces him again. He's so fucking happy. And his son just has a dead look in his eyes. A hug means nothing to him. He tries to reach for his dad's gun. And his dad goes, no, no, no. And he puts it in his holster. And the other two FBI guys are like, so do we...
We keep playing or and Schmink is like, yes, we still need control of hell. Do it. So those two are going to, again, just stay on their two guys.
Now it's the demon's turn. Four of them are going to try to get the ball from Scary and they fail because the other four managed to block them. So Scary still has the ball. The three inside the cyclone contraption are going to, with disadvantage, try to suck the ball into their thing and they succeed twice. So the ball gets pulled away from Scary towards their side of the field. Now it is on their half of the field. Nobody has control of it yet, but is nearest to that dark cloud of men. And I can't roll to like maintain it? Actually, yeah, why not?
14 plus six. Oh shit. Okay, nevermind. Yeah, it begins to get away from you and then you keep it right where it fucking is. It's Morgan's turn. Morgan is going to run over to her two lovers and
and be like, this is not on me to fix. I'm just going to say that. I care about both of you. You should be more adult than this. But these are my legs. On this, I'm on your side. You should let him have his own legs. You have your legs. Yeah, you hear that, Jody? I'm going to see Morgan and go, oh, hey, how's it going? I'm going to attempt to cross my legs, which is...
Hey, what's up? It makes a ripping noise because you start fucking up that spell. You crossing your legs causes me to flip upside down on my side, right? That's like flipping me over. Hey, wait a minute! Now I'm face down and then you've crossed your legs. Yeah, like, hey, how's it going? I see how I helped you back there. I'm such an ally, right? I love you, babe. You've always been a good ally. That's why I've told you I'd like us to continue to be friends. With cool other parts of friendship, like marrying me again.
All right, we cut to Brad Schmagan. It's his turn now. He's just going to sink down onto the ground and just like turn. So his back's on the ground and just look up toward the other hells and just whisper to himself like I was in heaven. There's colors you've never even imagined. And the worst thing is I know that if I kill myself, I don't go back because that's a fatal sin. So I just have to wait now. I just have to live my life and wait. His dad's like, you'll wait with me. And he goes, that doesn't help.
So now it is normal's turn. So normal, you see the pick in the air and you are filled with a knowledge now that the pick is in front of you and invisible that you're reminded that the color of this pick is blue, that it is imbued with the power of love. And you can see within the pick itself that there's actually more than one way to remove an anchor. You can remove it with violence or you can remove it with empathy.
And you can tell that if you remove it with violence, it will make the doodlers anxious.
anger and power stronger. And if you remove it with empathy, it will make the doodlers anger and power a little bit weaker and make it more likely to let go of the world. And you know, in this moment that when Tony Pepperoni was killed, it was with violence. So I'm just going to tell you straight up mechanically when this happens, there's going to be four anchors. And once you're done with them, I'm just going to roll a D4. And depending on whether they've been killed with hate or with empathy, that's going to determine what the doodler does. So right now there's a one in four chance that it's going to be hate. So
You now can take your turn knowing what you know about the pick. And also, Willie would have told this to Scary. I'm going to grab the pick. Okay. Go ahead and make a sleight of hand or athletics, acrobatics, whatever you like. You're trying to grab it out of the air. I guess that's athletics is like catching a ball, right? Yeah, why not? That's a three. So it just falls to the ground in front of you and you miss it. And...
That's a boring turn, so I don't think that should be your whole turn. I think you just pick it up. You just pick it up. You try to pick it up cool out of the air. It falls, and then you pick it up from the ground. Everybody laughs at you. A bunch of people see it, and they're like, classic normal. Way to go, Butterfingers. I look at it. Taylor from all the way across the world. Normal, you suck!
Yeah, even Jody stops and goes like, oh, come on, man. That's fair. I love you, pig. And I smooch it. No, don't do that. You got to destroy it. I just smooched it, though. So does it, what happens? I stop kissing my pigs. Roll with disadvantage.
Roll persuasion with disadvantage. What the fuck, kid? Gross. You can have it, I guess. Fucking weird. I got 10. So with a 10, you can tell that the pick does not believe your I love you. That it is purely token words. In order to break it, you're going to need to convey to it or share with it some sort of real genuine moment of empathy or breakthrough or something along those lines.
Like, the pick has to be present for some real moment of, like, something. Between anyone, not necessarily normal, right? Yeah, it just needs to be in there. It needs to feel the love. I see. We've got to hold on to this pick until someone says something nice to someone else in a way that they mean it. Something really, yeah. Some real earnest growth stuff, okay? So...
I'm done growing because I'm okay with that. My dad's not proud of me, kind of. But you guys got some growth to do, so someone do some growing with this pick. We'll get to it. Yeah, because it is the pick of love, because it includes love, the thing that will allow it to gently be dissipated will be an act of love. So that is your turn. And now it is, once again, Jimmy Matt Beth's turn.
And now you all see where the pick is. Do we care about this game anymore? You don't have to. We're one up. We care. Glenn cares. Glenn and Jody and Morgan definitely care, yeah. But killing the demon means nothing to us, right? At least since we have the pick. Also, Taylor's really taking his being goalie seriously, too. He's doing that thing where he's got his arms out and checking the distance between the goalposts and shit, you know? And where is the ball right now? The ball is in Scary's control. And is she like midfield, getting close? Scary looks at the goal and then back at the pick.
And back at the goal. Then at the ball at her feet. And then she's going to leave the ball and go for the pick. Okay. So I feel like you can just make it there with your move. Cool. It's in normal's hands. What are you going to do?
I'm just going to try to kick it out of his hands. Now that we're clearly against each other in this moment and we both had a 20-odd initiative, can I roll to essentially? Yeah, sure. Both of you roll opposed. Dexterity or something. You're both going to run for it at the same time. We're going to see who gets there first. I give you the athletics, I guess. I give you a scary look like, don't do it. Like, you know, like an action. Like, what are you doing? Don't run for it. Matt probably also has some kind of disadvantage because he's got a peg leg, right? I've already shown him fucking five.
I'm going to minus some because if you're getting used to this leg still. Okay, well, that's fair enough. I got a one. A natural one. One plus. Okay. I got a 15. Okay, great. You fall flat on your fucking face, Link. And you look up and you see whatever Scary's about to do. So you can try to kick it out of his hand. Scary, stop. Scary, no, come on. Normal, why don't you give me a sleight of hand roll and you're going to oppose that scary with your athletics or athletics. Can I do something in lieu of sleight of hand? What would you like to do? Yo, I'm just going to throw it to Link. All right, so you're going to roll for that.
Oh, I got a natural 20. Jesus. All right. Scary. You can roll to kick it out of his hand. An 11 plus two. Okay. So normally you managed to toss it to Link.
and it lands right in front of Link, who's on the ground. That's Scary's turn. Now, Jody and Link, it can be your turn. Jody, what were you planning on doing? I'm attached to Glenn on the other side of the field. He's going to wait nine more turns. I do not care about this pick. I do not care about anything you kids are doing. I literally brought you all down here so you could beat this game for me. Okay, so I have the pick. I'm just going to hold it really tight. I'm going to look at Scary and be like, Scary, what are you even doing? You've got to destroy it.
We can't. You just heard the doodler is going to make the world worse. It's going to kill. We just got to find something. You don't know that. I mean, you don't know it's not that way. We can find another way to destroy it. No, Willie said that it's easier to control if we destroy the anchors. Yeah, basically, Willie probably would have conveyed it to scary as if you use empathy on it, that's going to make it more likely to want to stick around. And it's going to make it harder to control because it's going to have more agency. If you keep it angry, then it's going to be confused. You can have an easier time getting rid of it or controlling it.
which is what he wants. Well, we're not going to do it that way. Okay. Come on. Like, it's like every song is like the easy way is usually the bad way, right? Sometimes the better things harder. This is easier. What? You're just going to tell the pig. Oh, I love you. I'm so nice to you. And it's just going to give you all the secrets. That's not how life works. Well, is that how this works though? Can I,
I love you. I already tried that. It didn't work. Okay, well, you're right. It's going to be hard. I know it's not a person, but it's just like, I don't want more people to die. We've already killed enough people. Can you just do one thing with us and just try to find a way to make this? The doodler is going to kill more people. You're not seeing the big picture. So... What? No! Don't listen to her! Come on! Yes, listen to me! I snapped the pic. What? Whoa!
We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today Before tomorrow makes this
Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burge is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlowe and myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Jimmy Wong plays Jodie Foster. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry provides additional community support. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber.
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I gotta come back again? I was hoping to die this episode, man. We can do that. You wanna do a little post-cred scene? Glenn takes his gun and puts it right to your temple, dude. And he fucking goes like, I'll see you in hell. Oh, man. Which is his way of saying, I'll see you back. I'll see you back. And then Brad tries to jump in front of the bullets.
