S2 Ep. 26 - The Staircase
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. A lonely man in the middle of a divorce. A last-minute party in the suburbs. Two months lost to anime. And a brutal murder. Tony Pepperoni put the pal in principal. So why, dear listener, did someone put a knife in him?

Hi everyone, and welcome to To Live and Die in San Dimas. As always, I am your host, Erika Drippens, and this week we've got a case that gives me full-a-body-a-chills. I caught up with some of my fellow students as we try to cope with Tony Pepperoni's unexcused absence.

No more homework? I'm just kidding. I just really fucked up what happened to Tony. Wait, mascot boy, you were there, weren't you? Uh, I'm not really sure I... Oh, into the mic like this? Okay, great. We had our differences, but Anthony Tony Pepperoni was a servant of Teen High. And I'm just so shocked and devastated that Scary Marlo could do something like this. You know the identity of the murderer? Uh...

No comment. I gotta go. As it turns out, everyone seemed to know the identity of the murderers. That's right. S. Plural. I heard it was Scary Marlowe and some weird old guy. Yeah, Scary Marlowe and Willie Stampler did it. S-T-A-M-P-L-E-R. Basically the most evil person ever. Wait, what is this for? Yeah, I asked Willie to kill him. I guess I just got bored of whatever we were doing.

Cool earrings. Thank you. I caught up with local law enforcement to see how the quest for justice was going. Officer Cooper Carter, San Dimas PD. Do you have any suspects in the Pepperoni case? So with the mayor sort of turning half the town into zombies, we don't really have time for one dead, weird, Vince McMahon-looking principal. I also stalked Tony Pepperoni's family for 72 hours for a soundbite. Sorry, I know you must be grieving or whatever. It's been so hard. I

I've been talking to myself a lot just to feel like he's with me. Give me this. Give me this. Scary, if you're listening, and I know you're listening because this is a true crime podcast and you're a white woman between the ages of 15 and 55, Scary, I will ruin you. I will swear vengeance for what you did to my father, my family, my life, and I will not rest until you burn, Scary Marlowe.

Tony Pepperoni, a principal whose school spirit will haunt these halls for a long time to come. I'm Erica Drippins. See you next week on To Live and Die in San Dimas. I mean Dimas.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. Not a BDSM podcast. Not a D&D podcast either. It's a role-playing game podcast. God damn it! Are you angry? They walked it all the way back. They walked it all the way back. Like I knew they would. That's right. That's right. We're back to being a D&D podcast. We're back. D&D's back on the table.

This is a role-playing game podcast set in a fantasy world. Psych! It's set in our world. It's about four teens, one betrayer teen. Who's that? Cool teens who are sent on a mission to fix their world after their grandparents fucked it up. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Not that one. The other one. The anime-loving ranger teen. It's like Agent Johnson and Die Hard. No, the other one.

This week's teen fact for Taylor. Taylor's been thinking a lot about anime betrayals as of late. Top 10 anime betrayals even. But this one, this anime betrayal that he's just experienced truly takes the cake. Edging out the previous top anime betrayal.

which was in Toy Suttory 4. I'm not kidding. I pulled up Google Translate. Toy Story in English and Japanese is just Toy Suttory. That's great. It's when the bear, the bear was like. Lots of. That's in three, first of all, not four. They had a prequel. You know what I'm saying? This is Toy Story 4.1, Twice Upon a Toy. 4.1, Twice Upon a Toy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on. There's one Toy Story they had to reboot it. They did all of them again. And then an extra one. Toy Story 356 over eight days or whatever. Yeah, I was like, get in the fucking spaceship, Woody.

live action toy story and the anime light year is canonical end of evangelion but it's like buzz lightyear's face halfway into the fucking earth actually be wild if they read a toy story and they made light year toy story one yeah that's exactly what happened that's what happened this is now the worst anime betrayal but she's not an anime she's real life taylor's life

So the worst betrayal Taylor ever had before this was in a movie. Yeah, watching a movie. Okay, fair enough. What? Taylor's shelter. What do you want? No, I know. That's it. Well, are you taking my spot again? No, we're back to normal. We're back to being a normal podcast again. We're also walking back the order of the podcast to the 1.0 version. Okay.

Hey, everybody. We listen to the fans. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, a schooled-at-home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group. Quick little teen fact about Lincoln is they had to install grab bars in his shower because he kept falling down because he's always got to practice those kicks. Okay.

He definitely had a couple of concussions. That somehow seems more dangerous because it would encourage him to do more kicks in the shower. Yeah, he keeps asking for a pull-up bar in there too and they're like, we don't think we can add more metal things into the shower. He's definitely tried to pull a bar on the shower curtain. On the shower curtain. How many times has he pulled that down? And he had a really loud crash and his fucking chin was bleeding. Oh, God. Oh, God.

So he's like doing like plies and like stretches and shit in the shower. Yeah. And just practicing those soccer kicks, you know, those moves, you know, some people just like, you know, punching the air. He's always kicking. He's always practicing. Yeah. You can't waste time in the shower. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a precious time. That's precious foot time. Precious foot time. I will, a.k.a. precious foot time. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Wow. I play normal Oak. He's a quirky little weird guy. Finally, some quirky weird guy. He's a mixed-up mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. And my normal fact, I thought I'd try out a future fact.

What? Calling a shot. Yeah, so when Normal turns 24 years old, he gets really into menswear. Oh, okay. I think Normal has a period in his mid-20s where he becomes a menswear guy. Now, what kind of menswear? Like,

Formal wear? Super vintage. Why don't men dress like this anymore kind of stuff, you know? Like double-breasted suits. The widest, highest pants you've ever seen in your life. Like that one guy on TikTok who dresses like he's in the 1800s. And then he says stuff where he's like, I'll be putting on these penny farthings. But of course, as you know, they're not period specific. And he chuckles to himself a little bit. And you're like, I didn't know that.

What's nice about that fact is like three facts in one because it means that we also know that at the age of 24, he's both single and unemployed. Oh, really in that cleaning up room.

Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlo. I love her. Fun fact about Scary this week is that canonically during the two months that all the teens were watching anime with the now deceased Tony Pepperoni,

Scary was hard at work writing all the lyrics to her band's forthcoming album, her band Butthole Ricochet. She hasn't actually recorded it yet, which may cause some awkward moments in the future. So we're setting that time period as right now? During the two months that they were watching anime. Wow.

Wow, that's when she wrote the lyrics. That's a legit emo album. That's great. The band members of Murderer. It was an instaclusion very much like for Emma forever ago. It was like the last time you guys were a group. Like it was the last time you were happy together and she was writing the breakup album basically. Quick bonus fact about Scary This Week is that she has no regrets.

So cool. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. And my dad fact this week is somebody from Donate Life America reached out to me, which is like a nonprofit for like trying to get people to become organ donors and stuff.

And they are basically doing this thing where if you have donated an organ, you can reach out to them and they'll send you a dice set of eight dice because one organ donation can save eight lives. And each of the dice has like a different donatable organ inside of it, like a small, not a real one. I was like, what? They should be using this way more wisely. They take donated organs and they make dice out of them. Don't give it to other people. People come and go. Dice are forever.

But yeah, if you're a donor, you can get one of those dice. Or if you just want to enter yourself and you're not a donor, sign up to become an organ donor, then you can be entered in a lottery. Are the dice like binding? Well, sorry?

Like when you roll the dice, are they binding? Like if you roll kidney, do you have to then donate it? No, it's not like that. It's after you've already donated, you get the dice. It's a present for being a good person. It's a present. What's on the dice? It's moral dessert, which we so rarely get in this world. But what's on the dice then? Numbers? Numbers. Yeah. The insides of them have, it's like you suspend objects in a dice. It's not like you roll a natural one. You're like, well, you have to donate an organ now. That's not how it works. That's how it works.

Anthony pitched it and that's what I thought he was saying. Three of the people in this room don't think I pitched it that way. We all understood. The same way that we got dice with stuff suspended in it, this is like a little organ in it. It's cute. Yeah, it's cute. Very cool. They're sending me some and I'm psyched. But yeah, I also Googled Donate Life America. I'm like, is this one of those scam things? And they're rated like 98% for not being a scam. Yes. By not a scam website.com. Yeah, yeah. Not a scam.ca.org. Anyway, that's my thing. Oh, very cool. You get it. You're a good person. Now you also get dice for it.

And now you get rewarded. But we're all like organ donors on our licenses. Yeah, so you can get them too. Yeah, you can totally be, you can sign up to be entered to receive the dice. Yeah, we just haven't done it yet. You know, we're, you know. And they did this because even now, even if any of us do donate an organ, he can be like, yeah, but you did it after. No, you can,

Speaking of dice our dice are back in stock quick before they sell out on our website and you don't have to sell an organ Donate

So when we last left you last episode, Scary had stolen the garage door opener from you, which allowed the previously imprisoned Willie, who was in prison there with the other dads and Grant. Not that Grant's like different, but like Grant had full mobility. The other dads were like frozen from the neck down. Willie was released. And then he came to the house party at Lincoln's house, killed Tony Pepperoni, thus removing one of the four anchors binding the doodler to the realms of man and beast.

One step forward. That's how I see it, too. And Link kicked Scary and Willy out. The next day, three of you are at Daddy's looking over... Which three? Taylor was just sick. He just stayed home. Yeah, sorry, guys. All of you but Scary are at Daddy's looking at security footage of what happened the night after you...

you ejected Scary and Willy. You scroll to the beginning of the night when Scary, still at Marco's party, hit the garage door opener remotely. You see the door open and from outside of it, Willy and Grant come out. Grant is...

trying desperately to keep Willie inside, grabbing him, manages to tackle Willie to the ground and starts wailing on him, just beating the shit out of him. Willie kicks him off, gestures at him with his hand. It's not a UFC fight we're watching. You guys know what happened. Yeah, we know.

No, we don't know if Grant's dead or not. You also see Hermie immediately dodge back and put his hands up and freak out. He almost says this out loud as he's watching the footage. Standing next to Hermie. Hermie, who was next to you, was like, do you call? Willie kicks Grant back inside, closes the door back up, and you see him gesture to Hermie and then, like, threateningly really pointed him. And then Hermie comes back with just basically a big glowing, like, padlock.

And Willy feeds the padlock through the lock on the door and then clamps it shut and you can see like a magical seal like being made. Does it like do tricks? Does it balance a ball on its nose? Oh my God. Get the fuck out, Freddy. Then Willy leaves. Hermie runs because he's scared. And then later, Willy comes back with scary. This is after, you know, the death of Tony Pepperoni. And you can see- Wait, enhance. And normal zooms in. He's like, it's scary. Yeah.

And then you see them go off camera for a bit. And then when they come back on camera, their arms are full of... They're just in mech suits. Just Pacific Rim. They look like a fucking... We had mech suits this whole time? We had mecha? No.

That's fucking good. Yeah, yeah. You don't look at the avatar, it's just like a human size worker max. Like the loader bot. It's a loader from fucking aliens. Yeah, they're in the like fucking... And they're just carrying armfuls of daddy items. Well, Miss Hales is like literally the only employee. She needed them to like lift all the heavy shit. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And Mae sees them going and she's like tearing her hair like... There's no audio, but she's like freaking out. And they're going by these big alien mech suits with...

about a half a dozen items you can see strapped to the back of them. None of them as cool as the mech suits, though. Yeah, none of them as cool as the mech suits, and now you understand why there were big imposing footprints in the ground when you came into Daddy's HQ. But only one set. Only one set.

As you're watching the security footage, May is casting a counter spell on the padlocked door. Well, May Hales can cast spells? Well, I mean, she found a spell book. Like, the daddy's is full of magical items and stuff. You're telling me magic, all that requires is just sacred words spoken from profane text? Well, sometimes it requires somatic components and verbal components and material components, but yeah.

you now have access to Grant, who is mobile inside of your dad's area of the sort of jail cell that Willie put your dad's in. And the other dads are able to talk, but they're currently not able to move. But May turns to you and she goes, I'm pretty sure I know something that can sort of de-petrify them if you want me to go get that.

Link just nods like, yeah, do that. Okay, so Mayhales leaves the scene and is rummaging around offstage for something that will unfreeze your dads. In my head, it's like a massage gun. You know what I mean? Yeah. Just let it just lure the deep tissue. Yeah, it's like chipping out a block of ice. Yeah. Man, that'd be really, that'd feel great, I assume. Yeah. Your entire body was frozen and slowly you're getting fucking movement back with a massage gun. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Ooh, yeah. New fantasy unlocked.

Link's just wandering around kind of shell-shocked. He just is like looking at the big footprints and he just shakes his head. He like looks at his dad. He just like shakes his head. He looks at the image of Scary on the monitor and he just like, he just shakes his head. Grandson, are you okay? Did you see him? What happened? Where is he? Do you know where he is? Link shakes his head no. Okay, do you want to talk? What's going on? Link shakes his head no.

Okay. Hey, Mr. Wilson, it's me, Normal Oak. Yeah, I know who you are. Yeah, so things got pretty rowdy. Link shakes his head yes. That would be nodding. There's only their way to shake your head up and down. His eyes are saying yes, but he's still just shaking his head.

Do they know what happened with Tony? Have we filled them in on? Yeah, I feel like you would have sort of filled them in by this point. Okay. Look, it's just, I think Link's working through some stuff, you know? Like, he saw something really horrific and fucked up and violent happen. And I don't know if you know anything about, like, having something traumatic and violent happen to you and then, like, it might change you or something like that.

He gets a hundred yard gaze immediately. He's looking straight through you into the distance. Mr. Wilson, are you okay? Only a hundred yards, huh? What is it usually? 500 yards? It's usually a thousand. A hundred yards is what a football field is. He's old. He's got bad eyes. He loves playing football. He loves soccer. Football. Normal waves in his thousand yard gaze. Mr. Wilson, are you okay? Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah. No. Shit. Okay. Yeah. Link. Link. I'm just in...

If you need to... I know you don't want to. I know what it's like to not want to, but I'm here if you...

And he just starts like breathing too hard. And he kind of looks like he is panic attack adjacent. And he just started. I'm going to walk around. I'm going to walk around. And they just start walking around. Link just like follows like two feet behind his dad, just walking around with him too. Normal or she goes, my work here is done. Taylor, how are you doing, buddy? I'm still dealing with it. And also cutting over my braces being a little bit tighter this week. That's what it was. I know some of you know this. I had a little bit of a lisp.

But that was because not my voice is changing. It's because I had my braces tightened. Okay. Canonically, I just want to get that across there. If you need to focus on your braces to deal with... My teeth hurt! If that's where you need to put your pain right now to not deal with the pain of our beloved principal Tony Pepperoni dying, I'm here to support you. I don't care about Tony. You don't care about Tony...

I'm here to support you. Okay. But you didn't care about Tony either. I had deep, complicated feelings about the man. We were enemies. And yet no one else loved the school as much as I did. And it's just not right what happened. And I can't believe what happened with Scary. It's all falling apart. Like the whole point of this was to do it better than our dads. And like we're not doing better at all. People are dying, man. Yes.

I don't know what got into Scary, but I guess it's clear now we're going to have to kill her and kill Will. What do you mean? No, that's the whole point. She betrayed us, man. But, like, I feel like there's got to be something going on there. I feel like there's got to be more to it. Like, I just, like, I want to know if she's okay. Like, I know that something horrible happened and it was fucked up. But, like, and we can't trust her, clearly, but that doesn't mean I'm not worried about her. Yeah, but what if it isn't?

Anime teaches us that sometimes things can make no sense and you just have to go with it. Taylor, and I grabbed Taylor by the shoulders and I said, anime isn't real, dude. What are you talking about? What the hell are you talking about? This is real life and our friends just- Taylor, roll for psychic damage. Anime reflects the reality that we live in.

That's a natural one. You refuse to acknowledge it. It completely washes over you. Anime is a reflection of the reality that we live in. It's a mirror. A mirror that we hold because I decided to hold it. A big wad of paper hits you in the head. Link's thrown it and he's got a pad of paper and he's got a pencil and he's like pointing at the piece of paper. A little sound effects here for you. Ready? I go. Foley art. What the hell is this? Kids in the hall because you're Dave Foley. What is this?

It just says shut up and stop arguing. And then I'm like, here's the right piece of paper. I throw it at you. Normal. Oh, my gosh. Link has mutism. Cool style. Has what? Mutism. I open the piece of paper. It says we got to find the second anchor. And I throw another piece of paper at you. Okay. I pick it up. It says scary's dead. And I just look. Yeah.

And I roll and I angrily write another piece of paper. As you're doing that, I take the one that says scariest dead and I put a question mark on it. I've already thrown the other piece of paper and it says metaphorically, obviously, I just meant she's not a prey anymore. We gotta worry about the second anchor. You had to turn the paper backwards to fit that full message on it. Yeah. Eyes on the prize. He's right. May hails as you're talking about this comes back in. She has what looks like a magical Theragun and walks into the prison for your dad and starts...

And you sort of hear that over the next thing you're talking about. Well, it seems like you guys are both doing great and handling the situation really well. I don't like it one bit, but Link is right. There's nothing we can do about scary right now, unless you intend to track down where she went. We have no clues as to where she is. I guess we could follow these giant mech loader footprints out of the door. I hold a second piece of paper that says we got to get to the second anchor before scary and Willie. That's right.

Holy shit, you're right. They have a plan too. Isn't that what Scary was saying? She was saying that she wanted to take this all into her own hands. She's going to take this all into her own hands. She and Willie. And we know what's going to happen there. A lot more dead people. But we get there first. We can kill them first. Oh.

Normal's searching deep in his soul right now and just wrestling with all of this because it's like, you're right, we have to go find the second anchor. But I'm still holding out hope for Scary. And I'll tell you why. Because if our dads can do everything that they did and, you know, all the fucked up stuff that's gotten us here, and I still held out hope for them, if there's no hope for Scary, then what hope is there for any of us? Anybody can walk back from the darkness, you know? So, like...

I understand that we're mad at her and I understand that we got to keep going and we can't trust her, but I just, I can't give up on her. Okay. That's fine. I throw a piece of paper. Okay. I open it. It says, whatever gets you going. And then I walk to a may hail and I point out the paper that says like second anchor as she was, I guess they were gutting. Right. She finishes theory gunning up your dads and they sort of like shake out their muscles or whatever. And they're all sort of, Oh, I feel so good. Yeah. And Terry has heard everything you've said about scary and is just,

absolutely devastated and confused. And he goes, no, no, no, she wouldn't. I mean, she hates me. She doesn't hate all of you that can't. No, no, no, no, no. And he goes back to the security footage. He keeps rewinding it, looking it over and trying to find some sort of like flaw in it. Maybe it's not scary. Maybe it's a monoculus. Maybe all that kind of stuff. And he's, nobody's talking to him right now because he looks pretty disturbed. There's a moment where he's like, maybe it's not scary. It's hard to tell in this low res monitor. And then scary, like literally goes straight up to the camera. It's like, I'm scary, Marlo. She flips it off with both fingers. She goes, fuck the system. And then she spray paints it.

May says, yeah, so the other anchors are on, I guess, Earth, as you know it, where you were with the doodler's butt. He has a map of all the places it could be. It crosses off the moon. It crosses off orbit. Well, they're in different realms. So you found the one in this realm in the Forgotten Realms. What you told me, Normal, is that one is in the goof dimension, one is in hell, and one is on Earth where the humans were from initially, the place that you...

go through the Omegara fart, the Omegara fault portal to get there. Not the Omegara fart. This fart was made for me. As you say that, Sparrow goes, not something you have to worry about, kids. Like, we're back. May, you don't have to listen to them anymore. We're in charge again. We're in charge of daddies. Kids, you're going home. Link shakes his head. No. We're not going anywhere, jackass. Lark begins to step forward and you can see he's about to start a word that starts with F because he's like biting his lower lip. But Sparrow puts a hand out and goes, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me be as gentle as I can. Someone's dead, and now this is an adult situation.

I really appreciate you guys trying to work really hard to help us. I appreciate you saving us and bringing us back from Earth. That was really, really courageous of you all. And I think you're such strong young people. And I'm really, really impressed with you. And I think someday you could turn into really great daddy's agents if that's what you want to do. It's up to you. And I want to force it on you. Someone's dead, dad? Is that what you said? Yes. So that's what? One us and how many you guys? His shoulders like slump as you say that to him. And he goes, we...

Made a choice. What happened to you was it was a tragic circumstance that could have been avoided. This is not a discussion. Normal. This is one of those moments where I'm just going to have to make a decision as your as your father. Mm hmm. He like winces a little bit and you can see that in his head. He's saying probably when he says father and he says you're going to go home.

This is done. This is our job now. You guys are going to go back to school. You're going to act completely normal, completely cool, completely chill, and we will handle this.

It's wild that the podcast ended like that. Season three, you were playing Sparrow and Lark. Link kind of holds a piece of paper to normal, kind of like under the thing, and it just says, we don't need them. I fold up the paper and I say, okay, Dad, you're right. And I look at Taylor. Taylor's already ripped his badge off and he spat on it. And he's thrown it to the ground and says, this is what I think about your shit-ass organization. And then I... And my gut, and Taylor unstraps his fucking badge and gun. Yeah, I've had...

this the whole time. You drop the clip and like empty his shell. I'm trying to inject a shell right in the fucking lark's face. It's an airsoft gun. Those are ejecting BBs. I'm loving this right now. I'm making this safe. What you take out is a Star Trek phaser that accepts BBs into the fucking handle like it's an airsoft. You press the little button down to extract all the gas. It's just hissing. And you just chuck the gas container like you don't get to play with this. You don't get to play with this. In fact, I'm emptying it right now into the floor.

Taylor's making a scene. I write something on the note and discreetly kick it back over to Link.

I open it. Roll sleight of hand or stealth. Kicking a note the stealthiest way you can get it. Can we have Taylor roll for obnoxiousness? Taylor roll for performance to see if you can distract them appropriately. Or persuasion. Oh, no, no. That was a four. All right. So you're used to my buffoonery. I got a five. So Lark, in one big stride, steps on the note and then pulls it up and opens it. I mean, they see it, but can I go for athletics to grab it first? Yeah, sure.

Oh, no, I got an 11. You got a what? 11. Lark got a 16. Okay. So he steps on it just out of your reach. I shout to Link and Taylor, get the amplifier! And I book it.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, whey, whey, whey. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? Whee! I love you, Dad. Whee!

You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Not guaranteed. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo you got me. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.

We did the hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy... It's shaped like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com promo code daddies. I grabbed the amplifier. The amplifier is like, it's in a specific room on the floor above you at daddy's HQ. So there's like stairways going up either side. So if you're going to book it for the stairways, that's cool. We can do that. We're still in the room where they got defrosted or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. I think we want to try to run and close the door. Yeah. We're using this. Let's actually roll initiative. This isn't going to be a fight fight, but you know, I feel like it matters what order people do things in. It's going to be a fight. We're going to kill them.

Natural one. Natural three. You know what it is? They've made their move, but I'm still too busy being like, and one other thing. The DA's been corrupt since the beginning. This whole court's out of order. I'm sitting there going through a whole thing. And meanwhile, behind me, where'd I go? It's no use, Serpico. The whole department's on the take. What are we rolling? Initiative. Initiative. I almost said ethnicity. What?

Natural 20.

Did you really get a natural 20? No. Oh, okay. Well, what's your initiative? I got a 13. Okay. I feel like you should give him that natural 20. He is, after all, a white guy. He's a white guy. He's not actually a full white guy, so I'm not going to give it to him. He's got potential. He doesn't have experience. So Lark and Sparrow are going to go first. They rolled best on their initiative. I'm treating them as one unit, like the ice climbers. So they're the worst.

We like the ice climbers. And if we take one of them out, the other has to be completely useless. Oh, you have to take the important one out. You can take out the pink ice climber, but not the blue. There's one of them. One of them will cause them both to go unconscious. I'm not going to tell you which one it is. So Larkin Sparrow split up and block each of the two stairways leading up to the second floor and are going to hold their actions and try to restrain anybody that gets within grabbing range of them.

Next it is Grant's turn and Grant is going to turn around because Link's right behind him. Well, close to him at least. And Grant's going to restrain Link. He's going to put a hand on both shoulders and he says, son, we can handle this. Link, you are now grappled.

And next it is normal. Okay. Normal is going to deploy the item of the week, which is the item from the list that I'm deciding we get to use this week. It's one of the daddy's items submitted by our faithful listeners. This is the whistle of command created by the winningest trainer of bully wugs and fortunate foster children fighting circuit.

Coach Fizz Ed, the whistle of command would be a key item for any sports-related training. When the whistle of command is blown, up to three targets can be affected. If the targets fail a saving throw, your choice what type, one of the following effects is applied. That was submitted by Richard Jarvison. Thank you, Richard. Thanks, Richard. Did you get that off my list that I put? I'm just on the full list. Okay. Literally thousands. It's all of our lists. Because now I'm like regretting sending you guys the list.

That's why you should never... Now we know what she's planning. We look at Beth's curated list. That's why you should never get close to people in case you need to destroy them later. Do you get to choose who or... I get to pick three targets. Okay, so... I'm going to say Lark, Grant, and...

And Sparrow. We can probably psychologically devastate one of the dads. So like whatever one. Yeah, Terry easily. Yeah, easy. Terry's already not in a great spot. So Lars Sparrow on an open door. I rolled a three, which means a ghostly voice of Coach Fizz Ed yells out, take a lap. And if they fail their saving throw, the targets immediately must begin running around the area for one to two rounds. Ooh. So they have to take a lap. Five to six is hit the showers, which means they have to disrobe and start taking a shower. That would be great. That'd be so great if Lars and Sparrow now are the adults getting naked. No!

So Lark's back straight and he goes, yes, sir. And he starts running laps. Grant and Sparrow seem to shake their heads and clear their heads of the suggestion of the coach. So normal, that was your action. You also have a move. Okay, my move. I'm going to go straight for the door. Cool. Now it is Terry's turn. Terry looks up from the security footage, sees what's going on and runs fast.

following you he's going to sprint and he gets pursuit he's right next to you but he doesn't have an action to grab you now so he's right on your heels now it is Lincoln's turn Grant is grappling me yes okay so you have to do a strength check to get out it's like how could I kick my way out of this how could I walk off the wall I just stare at Grant I don't fight at all I

I just stare at Grant. I just stare at him. I write on a piece of paper and I hand it to him. And on the front side, it just says, these are the consequences of your actions. And then I signal to turn it around. He flips the piece of paper. It says, if you ever want me to talk to you again, let me go. Okay. Roll. I feel like that's definitely intimidation. So roll intimidation.

18. 18? I feel like you should have had to roll dexterity to see how legibly you could write it while being grappled. He knows my handwriting very well. It's like this doctor's prescription. He's got your shoulders, but your arms are free to move. All right, so I'm going to have him roll. You got a natural one. Oh, man. So the second he sees that, he remembers...

the far too long span of time in which he wouldn't talk to his own father and didn't want to express any of his own emotions, especially about his PTSD from being present for and directly responsible for a death. And without realizing it, his fingers go entirely limp and

and lax, and you are free. Okay. I, assuming that he's going to help us, I nod at him, and I just start walking. I'm making the bet that he's going to tell the other dads or something. Like, I'm not playing this game. So you get to the foot of the stairs, and on your next turn, you can go up the stairs after Normal, who is being pursued by Terry. Okay. Taylor, it is your turn. Vibe check May Hales. Where does she seem to be...

Roll insight. Which set of bosses was shittier to her? Yeah, exactly. Natural 20 plus three. Natural 20 plus three. She's a thousand percent. She knows where her bread is buttered. When your boss's boss tells you to do something, you listen to that, not your boss. May Hills, no! May Hills! Mrs. Hills! It's a gig economy, y'all. I don't know what to tell you. I respect that. I'm going to Naruto run up the stairs that I saw. And is there anything I can maybe pick up along the way, improvised weapons of sorts or anything like that?

that. So you ejected a bunch of airsoft BBs all over the... Yes, you're right! You're right! That's what it is. You can pick those up back up. No, no, I'm saying the area around me is slippery. It's difficult terrain. You see like a true ranger thinking many steps ahead. Thank you, Will. I have created an area of effect around me so any would-be pursuers is gonna go, whoop, whoop,

You know what I mean? Okay, so I didn't make any of the other people going up the stairs do that where it feels like it already would have been. So let's say that... I would say the people in front of me. Like, I would say who's left, right? Let's say that you run by and you, as you're running, scoop up a handful of these BBs and then sort of drop them behind you like cow drops. Well, you have one of those loaders. You have one of those, you know, bottles. I have a speed loader where I can just hold a button down that goes...

Great. They've been cranking it. Yeah. So yeah. So like Sonic having gotten hit by a spike, a bunch of fucking little, well, he has rings, but like you just explode a bunch of BBs from behind you. When threatened, the tailor will release a cloud of plastic BBs. I dropped my ball.

Come on, Hermie, let's go. So you run up the stairs and Hermie goes, to do with you. We're going to save the world, Hermie. Either of you roll persuasion on Hermie. 18, because he's my friend, Anthony. And uncle. 21. Wow. Uncles can be friends. Hermie is looking back and forth between the two of you and it goes, my uncle and my will they, won't they partner. I'm with you, ride or die.

And he runs up the stairs with you as the BBs fall behind you. So you're running up the, I'm assuming left side, left side. So you're behind Terry. Terry's between you and normal. Correct. And then Sparrow's just standing on the other staircase alone, like an asshole. I do have a question. Yeah. Will this take us past the whale? We don't have time to stop and Google the whale. I was thinking, I was thinking of stopping and freeing the whale. Oh,

We're just drowning. How would that happen? Just make a big wet... You walk into a room, you make a big wet mess and then leave and they just look like, we'll clean that room up later. The worst sequel to Free Willy. Yeah, once the whale, beached whale suffocates in the air. I'm just saying, we gotta cover our tracks and there's nothing harder to have to do. You know, like Mission Impossible

one like the water rushes down the staircase yeah it's not a bad okay so when you get to the second floor there is in addition to the ring of rooms with different treasure and stuff in them there's also an emergency exit leading to the stairwell which when you go up the emergency stairwell you will then be able to get to the whale i'm gonna make my way to the whale hermy i got a plan follow me

Okay, so that'll be what you do on your next turn. All right, so now it's Lark and Sparrow's turn. Lark is continuing to do a lap. He's going, I'm going to beat my best time. And Sparrow, so he's going to cast...

entangle on normal. He's going to aim across to the stairwell and he's going to make a fist with his hands, then shove it upward like roots coming out of the ground. You have to succeed on a strength saving throw. William got a three. All right. So the vines come up and wrap themselves around your arms and legs and you are restrained in place just ahead of Terry.

So that'll be there. What the heck, dad? You can do magic? Yeah, it's in our blood. It's it's. Oh, yeah, I guess that tracks. Oh, God, I hate you right now, though. You'll get over it, son. I love you so much. You're my special boy. Grant's turn. So Grant is walking out of the prison cell in which all the dads were restrained, just kind of dazed, looking at his son run up the stairs as well. So he's going to run up to Sparrow and he goes, we can't just like maybe they could help us. And Sparrow goes, shut up and ignores him.

because Grant did not roll very well on his persuasion. Can we get a check of like geography here? Because also maybe a whole turn to like break you out or something like that. So in order from top to bottom, we've got Normal who is restrained by Vines, Terry directly behind him, you, Lincoln, and then Taylor and Hermie right behind you. And then below all of you in the room where you started, Grant and Sparrow and Lark who is running laps. Okay. So now it is Normal's turn. Is there anything I can do to like bust out of entanglement? When you were restrained by the entangling roots, you can spend your action to make a strength check to break out.

Normal looks at the binds around him and calls forth on the spirit of Teeny the Teen to give him strength and inspiration and tries to hulk out of his restraint. Okay. Give me a strength check. Hey!

14. Yeah, you break out of the entangling vines. You hulk out and they turn hard and brittle and they break away. You have spent your action, but you still have a movement. All right, I'm going to keep booking it then. Okay, so you were one move away from the room with the amplifier in it. So in your next turn, you could probably get to it. Terry's turn. So use the move. So Terry's going to move, which means he's right next to you and he's going to spend his action to try to restrain you. So we'll do opposed strength checks. I got it.

I got an 11. All right, so you beat him. You managed to wriggle free of his grasp. You only got a five. Your stepdad's weak as a fucking soy boy. Shut the fuck up. I mean, yeah, that's-

So yeah, you barely evade his grasp and he falls forward like in a kid's movie where adults are trying to kidnap a child and suddenly they lose all their coordination and they miss a grab move and fall forward onto their faces like ding-dongs. He falls out of frame because it's clearly a stunt fall and he pops his head back up and his glasses are crooked. For some reason, a talk goes off screen. You hear the sound of one piece of ceramic popping.

And also when he falls he makes the Minecraft taking damage That was really good Matt that was a good Yeah, all right. It is now links turn

Link's turn? I mean, Link's going to run to get to Terry, I guess. Okay. And then I'm just going to try to... Fly, tackle, red card, red card! Yeah, I just want to kick his feet out underneath him so he falls down the stairs. And Link knows how to do some red card shit. Okay, yeah, give me a go. That's pretty difficult, so I say... Kick somebody's feet? Kick somebody's feet such a way that they fall down the stairs, because he did pursue... Oh, this one we can actually go through the staircase and test for real. Yeah, Anthony, how about I take you down the stairs and see if I can kick you... See if I can kick you...

fall down the stairs for nice. We can test it once. I can't believe there's two murder documentaries called The Staircase. And one of them is a lot more cut and dry. One of them they recorded saying what they were going to do before they did it. I got a nine. A nine. All right. So I'm going to roll his acrobatics to see if he can dodge. You got a natural one. Yeah. Oh no. What a dweeb. As if Terry's life wasn't hard enough. That sucks so much, Terry.

As if Terry's life was not hard enough, you slide tackle and you completely take out his feet from behind him. And he goes like, whoa. As he's tumbling backwards and slow motion, he's like, man, if we had an intergender team, Lincoln's scary would be unstoppable. But what he says is, as he falls down the stairs, fucking ass over tea kettle. And ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Taylor and Hermie, you see him just up past you. And then he hits the fucking beads. He did say he was going to tie, right? He did see that. He did see that. Oh my God. Out of frame when he stands up, his other glasses is broken. So he is not prone at the very bottom of the stairs, far behind all of you. So he is not in a great position. This is going to turn into like a home alone.

gang. He fell on BBs. Yeah. We're going to have to add comic mischief to the content warning on this one. Okay. Okay. Anthony, for the sake of there's a natural one. And for the sake of speeding up this, uh, pursuit, he fell down the stairs. There's people behind him. It's like the classic. Somebody falls down. He was at the top of the stairs. Does it not? The other dad's down. I mean, the other dads aren't on that staircase. So it would just be knocking down your kids. Oh no. Cause we're in front. Oh, okay. So it's just me. Tail and hermia.

You're behind him. Those are the only ones behind. Oh, yeah. You should have to make a dexterity check. It would make no sense for him to knock them down. Never mind. I feel like... It's a really wide staircase. It's a really wide staircase. No, you convinced me. Sorry, man. Damn it. All right, so roll dexterity, Taylor. God damn it, man.

Taylor rolls a 11. Okay. You got an 11 and Hermie got a 15. So like fucking Mario jumping over a Donkey Kong barrel and go right over him as he tumbles all the way down. So yeah, now it is Taylor's turn. All right. So Taylor killed his whale. So Taylor and Hermie. Why are we, what are we doing with

The idea is that you watch the thing, but also the whale. There's not even anyone on the stairs behind us now. There will be, Will. They're chasing us. Are you familiar with the parable of the itsy bitsy spider? It's not a parable. The itsy bitsy spider will... It's not a story the Jedi would tell. Anything's a parable if you take the wrong message from it. What do you mean? What are you talking about? The itsy bitsy spider will have the water spout.

What happened? Down came the rain, baby. Don't aspire to things. Wash the spider out, which is what I'm going to do. I want to make a detour. Such a Sisyphean story. My thought was that the whale would just be wedged in the staircase so they can't get anywhere. Matt, I'm not worried about the fucking whale. I'm worried about the thousands upon millions of gallons of water that are needed to contain the whale. Okay. But I mean, a whale stuck in a staircase would make it pretty hard to get past.

Both of them will happen. If you do this successfully, both will happen. You'll both get what you want. A big flood of water will come out and then a fucking whale will winnie the pooh itself inside the stairwell and go, and they won't be able to chase you off. That's all we wanted, Anthony. That's all we wanted, Anthony. I don't know why you're arguing with me. You were arguing with each other. I'm willing to give you what you want. Why does this whale always bring out the worst in us? I don't know.

We're on the same page. And there's like a scorned SeaWorld employee like, our whales live much longer in captivity than they do in the wild. Not if I have anything to do with it. All right, so Taylor, I want to take a detour into the whales room. Okay, so you bypass... Whales room!

You bypass the, what was that a reference to? I don't know. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, okay. I don't know. That's what I got. So you sprint up past the room with the amplifier in it and you make it to the door with the whale inside of it.

And I'm going to go ahead and say that you can open the door and you see that the room with the whale, apart from the whale in this massive fucking aquarium, is empty. Maybe a chair? Well, Freddy uses the explosive bubble gum. There's a chair? Sure, there's a chair. What was the explosive bubble gum item that was sent in by Ethan Hunt? By Ethan Hunt? Red light, green light. You can check in the thousands of items to double check. I'm not lying. The source of items will self-destruct in five seconds. You spent your one item per week on the whistle. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.

Oh, we did say you do have Ninja Rocks, though. But you remember? Anthony, I would like you to recall a little piece of canonical Dungeons and Dungeons trivia. Which is that Taylor has Ninja Rocks. God damn. Ninja Rocks, as you may. Anyone can YouTube it. It's not a secret. No, okay. On your next turn, you will be able to do that. Okay. Check this shit out. Hurry.

All right. So Lark is going to roll to see if he has to jog around for another turn. He failed. So he is. He's like, and he's just fucking the cardio is getting him super hard to do it for two rounds, I believe. Right. This is the second round. So Sparrow back in the room where you started. He's going to spend his entire turn sprinting to try to get to normal.

But because that he has no action, he sprints. He can get to you within one movement next turn, but he can't do anything on this turn. So now it's Grant's turn. So as Sparrow runs past him, Grant puts his hands up and is like, wait, wait, wait, wait, we don't have to do this. We just got to talk to our kids, right? We can do that. I don't want my kid to never talk to me. And he's freaking out. Now it's normal's turn. So where am I? So you are in front of the room with an open cell door and inside is the amplifier. Okay. That was used for Code Purple. So Sparrow is right behind me. Yes.

Okay. So when you go in, he's basically going to be at the exit on your way out. And I'm right behind the two of them. Yes. So I can also kill your dad for you if you want. I'm going to cast Spirit Guardians and summon forth my army of Teeny the Teens. Okay. And I am going to tell them to hold the line and let no adult through. Great. You could do that. You could do Thomas Crown Affair where you are Teeny the Teen. Okay.

Which one has the amplifier? The one holding the amplifier. How big is it, though? It's big. It's like the size of a guitar amp. Yeah, that doesn't work. They all have like a identical amplifier. Which I am willing to give you if you succeed in the deception roll. I will say you can give them spectral amplifiers if you want to try that. I mean, we're not trying to move it. It's just everyone's got to get in here so we can turn it on.

Oh, yeah. We're just going to go, dude. We're just going to fucking bounce and then they won't have it. Yeah. Is the amplifier the thing that we jumped to the other worlds with, right? The amplifier, if you use it with the ring of swapping, will swap everybody. That's what they used it for. They empowered it. How do we jump in the port? I thought this was the thing. Oh, shit. Wait, it will. Oh, no. This is, this is,

The portal is the Omegar fault door at the bottom of the dungeon. Oh. The amplifier will allow you to amplify any magical item or spell that you put into it. So it's still going to be really useful. And this is also still good that we get it away from them because we know what they want to do with it. Basically, with the dial from 1 to 11, you can modify the scale of what spell you're trying to amplify. That's why we need the whale. That's why we need the whale so we can keep going. Here's what happens. Normal runs up to it and says, Goof Realm!

And then nothing happens because he realizes this isn't the one of 10,000 things we have to do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Wait, so when you do goofball on the amplifier, what does that do? Nothing. This was the things that were going to swap everybody into another realm. Oh.

Norma realizes he's done the wrong thing and goes, uh, uh, uh, I guess we take it. And then I just rip it out of the wall. Okay, great. Give me a Thomas Crown Affair. On the bright side, we're probably the only D&D podcast to reference the Thomas Crown Affair. I hope so. We're also on a staircase, so there's another scene we could, uh...

Will, why do you have the only other scene in the movie? There's only two scenes in that movie. Jesus Christ. All right. Is there a sex scene on a staircase or something? Yeah. I've never seen it. Really? The Pierce Brosnan Thomas Crown Affair? No, I haven't. It's a great movie. It's so good. Wait, wait, wait. But the original one with Faye Dunaway, though. You were just suck shit. I'm putting that out there. Fuck it.

Fuck that movie. Fucking hard Thomas Cranford opinions in this episode. I'm going to go ahead and say you just managed to rip it out of the wall. You don't need a strength check or whatever. Now you were holding it. That was your action to rip it out of the wall. But I didn't get to summon the teeny of the teens because I'm doing this instead. Sure. Okay, that's fine. So yeah, your dad, his silhouette is in the doorway and you're holding the amplifier right there. Okay, now it is Terry's turn. Terry's just going to try to get back up those stairs. He's going to have to roll acrobatics to get past the BBs. He's holding a priceless Bing face and two banana cream pies.

Yeah, he gets a 19, so he... And then stands there and he's like... Which now, dramatically, the thing to do is for a paint can to come down to him right in the face after he's righted himself. It might be a whale in a second, so... All right, now it's Link's turn. Well, Link's hero, James Cameron, he's just going to do the same thing twice. Fucking Avatar 2, baby, $2 billion. And just sweep the legs out from... I'm just going to try to kick the legs out from Sparrow and knock him down the stairs, too. Well, he's not going to fall down the stairs. He's, like, away from the stairs. But, like, you could certainly knock him down.

They said that Avatar 2 wasn't going to make more money, but it did. And James Cameron called his shot. So we'll see if Sparrow falls down the stairs. What if I try to grab him by the shoulders and then throw him down the stairs? Okay. Yeah. Oh, don't say I'm like a kid. I'm 6'3". I'm definitely taller than Sparrow. I didn't say you're like a kid. I said, okay. Bro, grab his belt and just yank back. Yeah. Okay. Give me a strength check.

He's got their belts flopping out like that. He doesn't know I'm behind him, right? Because he's distracted with... He assumes you're behind him. He saw all of you right at the start. He's looking at normal. Okay. I'll mix it up. How about this? I'm going to fucking do a stealth role. So not like James Cameron. I'm going to go do a movie about the bottom of the ocean. Nice. I'm going to do a stealth role. I'm going to tie his shoelaces together.

How about that? Okay, that's fun. Very Home Alone. That's probably a red card, right? Yeah. If you can sneakily tie someone. They should let you do it if you can manage to do that. That's going to be so hard with cameras on you and stuff. This is like the same thing I feel about, you know, the biathlon, you know, where you ski and you shoot. I always think that you should be able to blow a bullet on one of your competitors, but you miss the target.

That's the Campbell. Right. Yeah, absolutely. It's a natural 20. What? Show me. Show me your screen. I saw it too. Okay. So yeah, you dexterously tie his shoelaces together. Fucking the bunny goes through the loop like pow. The natural 20 could also do like, hey, you got something on your shirt right here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, yeah. He hears that from behind him. He hears that from behind him and you point at his back. You see he's got something on his shirt and he goes, and he tries to turn around and look at his back and that movement makes him go, and he falls directly onto his fucking back now and he cannot use his, like, an attack of opportunity to try to grab normal. Well, that's somebody else's turn to kick him down. He's on the ground. Like, you'd have to, like, drag him to the stairs and throw him down. All right. So, yeah, well done. Good use of your turn. Now it is Taylor and Hermie's turn. Hermie.

I'm going to throw this handful of objects that are not thieves tools, but are important objects at that glass. And the moment they leave my hands, we got to run. I don't know why you're here with me. Actually, I can run now. I don't have to wait for you. I can just go now. All right. Go ahead and roll. Give me either a dexterity. Give me a weapon attack, like a ranged weapon attack. Crossbow light.

10 plus 4, 14. 14. Okay, so with a 14, you hit it and the glass cracks, but it's not fully broken yet. It just... Pretty strong glass. Pretty strong glass. What does the whale do? The whale turns and sees what's going on and goes, Don't. Don't.

I didn't do anything to you. He'll be fine, right? I need water to live. They didn't build this tank for me as like a goof. Like there's a reason I'm in this. Hermie has a turn, right? He's next to me. Yeah, Hermie's next to you, yeah. Hermie, throw that chair. All right, Hermie grabs the chair and tears are already welling in his eyes. He's like, I'm sorry. And he throws the chair as hard as he can. He gets a 10 and just bounces off and hits him in the head. And he goes, I deserve that. I deserve that.

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So to clarify where everyone is from top to bottom, Hermione Taylor in the whale room trying to break the glass below them. Norm is in the room with the amplifier and Link just successfully tied Sparrow shoelaces and made him fall down. Grant is in the room where you started befuddled as Lark runs laps around him. And Terry is all the way at the bottom and he just got back up. So it's back up to Lark and Sparrow. He looks down and realizes he's tied up, but she's going to try to reach his feet to untie himself. And that'll be his whole turn. Okay. Even if he succeeds, you got a two. You

You tied real good. You did one of them chaos knots. Yeah, really good chaos knots. He just takes his shoes off. No, they're super tight. No, they're tight. They're really tight. He has really tight shoes on. His new balances are perfectly fitted to his feet. Lark finally gets to stop running around in a lap. He sees that Taylor and Hermie have gone upstairs and decides he's going to chase after them. So he runs up the stairs. I was going to say, like, if he took his shoes off, then he'd have socks that are slippery. And then I was like, babies have stickies on their socks. How come adults don't have stickies?

He's on their socks. They do, but you have to go somewhere real special. Disabled people actually have them. Yeah, at the hospital I got them. I got them and I was like, why do you still have your hospital socks? Because they're my fault. I don't slip. It is actually Lark going up is going to have to pass by Grant. So I guess I can combine their turns and Grant's going to go

Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Not really having much of a plan. And Lark is going to, with a natural 20, just shoulder check him out of the fucking way and knock Grant straight onto his ass. He takes the steps two at a time, passing the amplifier room and coming to the whale room. Now it is Normal's turn. Normal is going to book it past his dad with the amplifier and run back down the stairs. All right. Down the stairs? We're trying to get out of here. Remember, we're trying to go upstairs. What? Because we're in the basement. Yeah, Amigara Fault is at the bottom. Ah.

them right yeah yeah we got to get back down okay so that we can this is all implied the normal has not been telling his plan to anybody i just we're just on the note that lark grabbed we were all like let's get the amplifier and get out but i guess we're going in i guess we can't well what do you guys want to do no no i like it the fact that we're all disjointed and i'm about all right i just run you say it i think you're gonna try to get past oh you do get past because he's on his ass yeah yeah and i tell link let's get downstairs we gotta get to the fall we gotta

Get out of here. How big is his amplifier? The amplifier is as big as a guitar amplifier, but a little bit smaller. It's enough that you can hold it under one arm. So you're talking about like a boss katana? Sure. Are there any posters on the wall? Yeah. There's one of Ron Stampler pointing at you and saying, hang in there. Just full on. They went to Kiko's. There's a bunch of fat heads of like sports heroes that clearly Daryl put up.

Okay, cool. Like Dale Earnhardt Jr. on the wall. It's like a lot of signed sports merch. That's where Daryl spent all his money. Every single poster from one person has posters from all the other dads around it because Henry was probably like, well, we should all be able to represent ourselves. So every single time you see Dale Earnhardt right next to it, it's like, love Mother Earth or whatever the fuck. And Taylor and Hermie, are you below us? No, right now, Hermie and Taylor are above you with Lark heading upstairs toward them. We don't know what they're doing, though. Yeah. Apparently, neither do we because

We don't know what you're doing either. There are two rooms that you need to care about right now. One room is the dungeon with all the items in it, which is a big, imagine like a drill, drill down, you know, like a triangle, like an inverted pyramid because this used to be Fry's Electronics. Inverted in this world.

And so there's a pyramid going all the way down. And so to get from one level of the pyramid to the other, there are little stairways. And then connected to that, to the side of the pyramid is a stairwell that goes all the way from the surface down to here. So it's what you would use instead of the up-down room to get to the different floors or rooms of daddy's HQ. Or in case of a fire. Or in case of a fire. Okay. And that stairwell leads to your dad's offices,

and the Whale Room, and here, the dungeon, where you're currently doing most of that stuff. And we want to get to the very bottom. The very bottom of the dungeon is the Amagara Vault. That was what Normal was thinking. If someone wants to stop Normal, that's... No, no, we're already in it. I'm trying to figure out my next spine. Here's what I'm trying to do. I can tell you, you can already see here, the Amagara Vault door is closed, but you can still see the Amagara, you know, outlines of all of you.

Okay. So if we get that portal, we can go to a different realm. If you could open it. Yeah. Oh, so we don't even know if we can open it right now. Well, you know, you can, if you have normal and scary and Taylor and link shit. Shit. Okay. And in that moment, I feel like scary and Willie are watching all of this. They're watching this. What you did not see after scary spray painted. Everything was that Willie was,

hacked into the daddy's HQ camera so we can see what's going on inside. I'm so glad that you hacked into daddy's HQ. Yeah, I also didn't tell Beth that. So yes, Normal runs out thinking he's going to go to the Omegara fault door, looks down, sees that there are four silhouettes and counts on his hand and goes, oh, damn it. Oh, let's just get up here. Let's just get out of here. Here was my plan, which is why I was asking about the poster. I was going to take the poster off the wall, put it on the ground and like a sled.

Me, you, and the amplifier go down the staircase, knocking everybody down. Oh, that would have been cool, yeah. Okay, well, let's do that. Let's just do that, and we'll knock everybody on the way down, then we'll go up and chase after Taylor and Hermie. Okay. Because that's the straight staircase to the surface, right? Yep. And the whale's going to block us. Yep. It's going to block everybody behind us. Yes, if you can run up with it behind you, yeah, for sure. Okay, so I look at the poster. I grab the poster that is Ron Stampler.

Yeah, it's Ron hanging from a branch saying, hang in there. Digging balls. Digging balls out. I nod. Digging balls out. Wait, it's not out. You can just visually see them in the... I look at hang in there and I nod and then I look down at the rest of the poster and I'm like, what? And I turn it over and I put it down on the staircase and I gesture to... It's double-sided. It's just a bare butt. It's his backpack. It's his backpack. Reverse image.

And then I put it down on the stairs and I gestured to you to hop on. I go, what? Are you going to hop on? I shrug and I just, I'm like, I'll get on this poster. And then we slide down the stairs. Okay. Have you ever done this? Have you ever taken? With a poster? No. With like a, yeah, with a piece of wood. Man, it's so fast. A wood is a little bit sturdier than a piece of paper. Go ahead and roll acrobatics or whatever you would like. Slay of hand. Nice.

I saw it. Yeah. A natural one. Oh, shit. So you try to do that immediately. The poster breaks and rips. Glass shards. Yeah, glass shards fucking break into you. Each of you are going to take a D10 of damage as the shards break into you. I probably lose hold of the amplifier, though, right? Yes. No, I got the natural one. Well, yeah.

But he's on the thing with you. But I was on the sled. Yeah, but you're holding it tight. I was on the Titanic when the ice worked. You're holding it tight like a baby. You would not let go of that baby. Yeah, no, you're on a natural one. He lets it go and it skitters to the ground in front of you. But like right now, you're the only ones on this horse. That's probably going to be fine. Okay. Now it is Taylor and Hermione's turn. Oh, that's eight damage for normal. Oh, God. You can't break it. Yeah, we're trying to come up after you. I don't know that. I'm going to try and break it. All right. Go ahead and roll another attack.

I don't know anything. You hear us. We're not that far. Here's what's going on in the mind of a Taylor Swift. I know. I know. So am I. I'm trying to cover our escape. You know what I'm saying? But isn't someone in the room with us now? Lark is right behind you at the entrance. Certainly, I feel like I would hear Lark coming in, right? Sure. So I'm like, check this out, Hermie. I'm going to unload the rest of my BBs into the floor so that when Lark comes barreling in with a head full of speed, he's going to slip and go right into the glass and explode it.

Okay, great. All right. I'm going to lay a trail out. That's good. It is Lark's turn now. So he is going to hide. And you hide. All right. I want to give a bonus because I was so stealthy. Okay. So he rolls an eight on his acrobatic check as he hits the BBs. And the second he hits them, he goes, and you hear the like, like that fucking sound effect. Yes. Yes. And he slides forward uncontrollably towards the whale glass.

He can't stop himself. He can't soften his landing at all. He fucks up his roll to try to soften his landing. And his head just right into the fucking glass and shatters all the glass open. And now a fucking lake's worth of water is enveloping the room. Just a tidal wave coming at you, overtaking the water. The moment that he starts going...

That's our cue, Hermie! Yeah, you held your action and now you're running out. So this is gonna be one of those classic, like, we're running up the stairs and you guys are running down the stairs and we're like, what's- No, are you running up or down? Up! Yeah, he's running up. That's why I say, will you kill me? Normal. Yeah, so, Hermie and Taylor are having a great time. They run up the stairs as an explosion of water. You can hear it just roiling in that room. Lily Link is thinking, like, this is why I don't talk.

Like, seriously, what are these two friends doing? He misses scary for a moment. What's happening? Wait, I just want to be clear to my fellow players. You guys should just take the elevator. We're now downstairs with all the tats getting wiped out by water. But there's an elevator. Yes, there's an elevator across the room where the amplifier is. All right. Yes. All right. So whose turn is it?

So now it is Grant's turn. Grant hears the rushing water behind him and he's like, gets back up because Lark just knocked him over. And he goes, what? And stands up and a fucking tsunami comes through that door as he runs up to get to the door and he sees Lark's unconscious body and a lake full of water fucking barreling to him. And he goes, and like tries to close the door out of panic.

The door bashes open as water hits him and starts streaming down the staircase and he gets knocked backwards over the railing and falls down to the bottom floor. As a very brief continuation of me and Hermes scene, as we're running up, I go, with any luck, with the head start that Archipatria's had, they'll be waiting for us in the lobby. And as we bust in, it's just, no one's listening. Yeah.

Hold on. So, yeah, Grant's at the bottom of the stairwell. He's fucked now. He's getting fucking washed over by all this water. It's Terry's turn. So Terry rolls a strength check to see if he can hold on to the railing as the water hits him. And he does very well. So he actually manages to stay on his feet as the tsunami of water hits him. And he's going to keep running up towards you, normal and link as you wait for the elevator.

Now it's normal. You hear the rushing water. You hear rushing water. So to paint the picture, Taylor and Hermie are up in the way. Yep. Water's coming down the stairwell. The stairwell. And then the other side of the room, there is the elevator. Okay. The up-down room that you were all terrified of. Normal peeks his head into the stairwell, sees a tidal wave of water, a huge whale, and two unconscious dads hurtling towards him, and then runs to the elevator and in classic zany comedy fashion, frantically presses the button to open it.

Okay, so I'm going to say that you can use your action on either pressing the button to open it or picking up the amplifier on your way. I'm going to go open the button. And I'll pick up the amplifier. Great, okay. So yeah, the light turns yellow and you can hear it coming down. Matt, it is now your turn. Okay, I'm going to pick up the amplifier. You've got it and now you're right at the door and it's... Okay, so can I throw a little thing out here? This is a pretty long thing. You've got enough! Hold on, hold on, listen to that. Hear me out.

I would like to argue that Glenn Close, being a creation of my own beautiful mind, would have installed a thing. Oh my god. Would have installed a thing, which was like, hey,

You know how, like, when you press a button on an elevator, you keep pressing it? Shouldn't it come faster? Like, that's the kind of lunatic, like, do you know what I mean? It's like, I got this idea. I got a patent for it, okay? It's a, our elevator, we could be the change you see in the world. The faster you press the button, the faster the elevator comes. You know those people in it? They're like, why is this accelerating? Yeah.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. It's all up to the people in it. Yeah, I need the elevator and I need it fast. All right. So open your old Glenn Close character sheet and give me an intelligence roll. Oh my God. You're like level 20 or whatever. Intelligence? Glenn Close?

12 plus 1, 13? It works, but it's very dangerous. He installed it without telling anyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's what it is. The faster you press it, there's no limiters on it. No one knows about it. I rolled to see how many times I pressed it. Yeah, go ahead and roll. And when Ron heard about the elevator, he was probably like, that's what I'll do. I'll be the elevator man.

What size dice should I roll? A d20, a d100? What are we doing here? A d12. What you could just do is, whatever dice it is, the very top, as you press it so fast, the elevator explodes. Yeah. The very bottom is, the elevator is slow. You really try to hit that middle ground.

Perfect. I got a two. Okay, great. So it's coming down a little bit slower than you would like. Normal's very patient. Yeah. So wait, is this like you have to press it five times for... No, no, no, no, no. One is normal speed. It's safe. The more you press it, the more normal speed.

Why would Glenn install a slow mode on the elevator? You're right. You're right. Okay. So it's coming at like, you know, plus 10% faster, slightly faster than you would. I feel bad for having Beth come to this recording. Okay. So yeah, it's coming down a little bit faster than usual. Now it's a normal Hermes term, but you're, yeah, you're in the lobby. You're hanging out. So,

out so Lark hey is the elevator moving faster than it looks uh kind of yeah it sounds like it's it's like squeaking against the gears it sounds really unsafe Lark still unconscious in the water uh Sparrow sees this is going to run after him and try to rescue him and get him out of the flood as it overtakes him as well now it's Grant's turn Grant got fucking knocked up and is also just dealing with the flood

Now it's Terry's turn. So Terry is chasing after all this fucking shit. Wait, did you just say Grant got knocked out? I heard that too. Yeah, Grant got knocked out. He's pregnant now. No! Terry has made it up to the room with the amplifier, sees the both of you waiting for the elevator to come down, and he's going to basically get a move in and action while you're there. So he's going to try to grab you both and pull you away from the elevator. Can we like act really like casual? Like he doesn't really notice us at the elevator. Like, you know...

No? What? What do you mean? You know. What do you mean you know? You know, like, in the middle of a battle, if somebody's really, like, calm, like, you may not, like, his eyes are glossing over all the other stuff going on. He doesn't really know it's just two people really casually at the elevator. Roll stealth disadvantage. Like, maybe it's just, like, two interns, you know? Maybe it's just these two kids.

What? What did you get normal? I got a nine. Okay. So he, he goes like, Oh, normal is there next to that casual looking guy.

He's going to run after normal and try to grab you. That's good because I'm not holding the amplifier. You're not holding the amplifier. He's got to do that amplifier repairman. Casual guys do not pose a threat. So he's not paying attention. I want to advantage when I attack him. So give me a strength check normal as he tries to pull you away from the door. Oh, that's a natural 20. Wow. Okay. So what do you do when he tries to grab you by the shirt? It's like an Aikido demonstration at your high school.

No! Get away! Call for a teacher! I'm cornered. He's coming at me. I'm like, you leave me no choice. I've only attempted this move once before, and it didn't go very well, but I'm going to have to give it a shot, and I do a front handspring over him. Great!

And he goes, and he tries to turn around to see you. And as he does, his gaze again goes over just sitting there holding an amplifier. And he goes like, it's just a casual guy. It's not a problem. Okay. So now it is normal's turn. The elevator comes down with a ding. Yeah. Okay. Open the doors. I run in.

And I mash the up button as many times as I can. I frantically hit the button to go up to the top. Okay, roll a d20 if you're being really frantic about it. I just want some of the funny. I got a two again. Don't worry, I'm going to come in and press it.

I see what normal's like. And like an older brother taking over a controller. I kind of like show him. Let me show you how you do it. And I use my fucking Mario Party skills. I go...

All right, roll. You're drag clicking on it? Give me a roll. Just give me a d20. I get a plus on something. I'm going to do flat d20. I'm going to give you... We do for stupid stuff. Yeah. Yeah, athletics. Fine. If you want to kill both of you. Nice. Okay. Here we go. I got plus four in athletics. 14. 14. So it goes...

real like oh you know what's great you know what's great you have movies it's always a point of tension when they're like pressing the button and the doors are closing the guy's coming and all that stuff yeah because glenn installed this mod and the guy's coming yeah the door snaps closed like a fucking trap like a steel trap i mean you hit but it goes like so

You know what I mean? Like, I'm just- Jared literally turns and it's like, we gotta get the- he just turns back, the door's already closed and he just looks right on, like, floor 30. Yeah. He's like, oh god, oh god. Uh, so yeah, you fucking- it's like the end of 2001 A Space Odyssey, you just see fucking, like, a light going back. You guys are flattened onto the floor. Yeah, you're flattened on the floor, you're fucking cheesy and pulled back. I just wanna say you're a pretty good friend! I'm not! You can talk, this might be your last words, man!

All right, so the elevator rockets up to the ground floor to the lobby and smashes way too fucking hard and like it compresses and like it jostles you around. You get fucking knocked all around the goddamn room. So give me a dexterity saving throws.

I got 13. 18. All right. So somehow, Lincoln, you managed to only take half damage from this. You're only going to roll a D12. I like to think Lincoln, like a cat, always lands on his feet. So when the elevator stops, he flips like his feet touch the ceiling. And the gravity comes in and he can go back in the other direction. Okay, so you take a D12 of damage, Lincoln. And then normally you're going to take two D12. And now the elevator is broken. The doors are open and you're at the lobby and everyone is here now. And you got the amplifier. Eight damage.

Okay. Whoa, what was that crazy sound? So you're out of combat now. You're all free and clear. Jesus. What? Oh my God. Ow. Wait, what's going on? Did you hit puberty? What? Did you hit so hard you got pubertized? What? You sound different, man. Yeah, last night my voice just kind of... I know I sound stupid now. Just leave me alone.

God, I hate everything. Oh, no. Link, is your voice dropping? Yeah, it's just been like last night. It was just like I was saying. Whatever. Sorry. Sorry, I sound dumb now. No, you sound cool. I like it. Look, boys. Yeah? We just escaped by the skin of our teeth.

We've got the amplifier. What are we going to do now, though? Huh? What are we going to do now? I don't know. But the four of us together, we're going to figure it out. Oh, yeah. Hermie. Hey, Hermie. Hermie, get in here. You're a real one, Hermie. Hey, thanks. I appreciate it. Honestly, your new character, your new timber that you have is very strong. Can I try to? What? It's me, Hermie. No, it doesn't work on you, Hermie. No, maybe one day. Don't make a big deal out of it. Everybody's voice changes. Yeah, Hermie, give me a break. Oh, no! I'm surrounded by adults. Look.

Where we go from here, we go together. Ride together, die together. And I just want to say that here marks the beginning of the No Betrayers Club. And we're going to do this adventure together, and no one's going to betray each other. You three are the only people I trust on God's green earth right now. And we are going to do this better than everyone, and we are going to save this universe, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Fuck scary. Well, I don't know.

let's just get this done. Okay. It doesn't have to be, we don't have to be friends to do it. Like, let's just get it done. Like, I mean, it'd be nice if we were friends. No, it's just like, I don't know, but that always, it doesn't end up great all the time. Like our dads did it and they did a bad job. So like, let's just do it. Let's just, because we have to do it. That's why we're doing, we're not doing it because we're friends. We're doing it because it's the right thing to do. So let's just do it. Okay. Can we just, do you have a feeling of like, don't you feel, aren't you like a radar or something normal? Do you like know where the second one is? Okay. I mean, yeah, I,

I don't mean to buzz your whatever, like, but just like, it's okay. We'll get there. I mean, it was rushing it. Um, okay. So I'm like, there's no anchor here anymore. No, you solve that. Okay. Well, we'll really solve that. The first thing we need to do is figure out how to get off of this world. So,

Isn't that down at the bottom? You're saying this as you exit the lobby walking into the corporate park. Perception, please. Roll perception as you walk out. Taylor, leading the group. Leader of the group now. Ten. Okay. God damn it. Four. Eight. Wow. Okay, so none of you noticed. Yes. He's so busy trying to emulate your voice, your cool, deep voice. He gets a two.

okay, so I feel like we get to sort of do whatever we want to because everybody's perception failed. Shit. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

God damn it. They didn't even see us over here. So as you- There's two, they're just acting really casual. Two other casual people. They were just two casual people right next to the exit when you come out. Really comes out and grabs Taylor and puts a knife to his neck. And Scary's holding a net. Good.

So tell me the plan again. Willie with his knife to Taylor's neck goes, oh, that's easy. And you can all hear this because he's already snuck up on you. And he goes, we're going to hell. And he cuts Taylor's head clean from his shirt. What? Wait, what? With one swift motion, the knife goes through Taylor's head like a fucking hot knife through butter. And he cuts Taylor's head off. Our days whisked away. But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves.

♪ You should tell myself it'll be a lie ♪ ♪ Set me asleep at night then no one knows me better ♪ ♪ I sound this right ♪ ♪ It's just a matter of time till we make ♪ ♪ We gotta pick ourselves up and say ♪ ♪ Not today, no, not today ♪ ♪ For tomorrow makes the can't change ♪ ♪ We gotta pick ourselves today ♪ ♪ No, not today, just start back tomorrow ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Special guest Elise Willems as Erica Dribbins in the intro. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Special thanks this week to Richard Jarvison, who provided the name of an item that we use in this episode. You can do that. You can submit items and names if you're on our Patreon, which is something that supports us. Please be a part of our Patreon. Cool people are there. People like Don Riefler, Stefana Pasiluk, Ricky Perez, Andrew Schmid, Steph McHugh, Marcus Gort, Michael Tran, William Ward, Brian Devlin, Shannon, April Petrie, Mitch Hurst.

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to sign up. Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads. Our website is DungeonsandDaddies.com. That store is store.dungeonsanddaddies.com and our subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies. Our next episode is coming at you February 14th on Valentine's Day. We'll be here Valentine in two weeks. February 14th, next episode. We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves today. No, not today. Before tomorrow makes we can't change. Not today. No, not today. Just tomorrow. Scary's holding a net. Who's a net? I'm

good you got me okay no it's just a regular net