S2 Ep. 24 - Spider-Boyz: Homecoming
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Did I hear you're shopping for a car? Because I've been at it for ages. Such a time suck, right? Not really. I bought it on Carvana. Super convenient. Oh, then comes all the financing, research. Am I right? Well, you can, but I got pre-qualified for a Carvana auto loan in like two minutes. Yeah, but then all the number crunching and terms, right?

Nope. I saw real numbers as I shopped, found my dream car, and got it in a couple of days. Wait, like you already have it? Yep. Oh. Go to Carvana.com to finance your car the convenient way.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Hem. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kinds of stuff.

Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Dungeons and Grandads is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for teens, not grown-ups. Go watch a sitcom or do your taxes or something, losers. ♪♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Granddads, not a D&D podcast. It's a cool isekai podcast about four granddads who go to a jacked up time temple in another realm to learn how to defeat a chaos god. I'm Taylor Swift and I play Glenn Close, rock and roll DJ bard granddad of the group. Nice. Fun granddad fact about Glenn this week. Mm-hmm.

I'm not sure if Glenn's like actually my granddad. It's unclear. I was a little confused about who he is. I think we need to spend maybe 25% of this podcast, maybe resolving that fact. But anyway, this is Lincoln Lee Wilson here playing Daryl Wilson, a stay at home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering the, I guess, earth, forgotten realms.

I'm confused. Anyways, a little fact about Daryl here. He's never been able to win a game of soccer against his grandkid. That's right. Suck it, Big D. That's right, Granddad. Come at me. Anyways, maybe someday you can move a little quicker, old man, with that ball.

but not today. Nah, I doubt he ever will. Hi everyone, I'm Normally Oak Swallows Garcia and I play Henry Oak. Hippie, dippie, crunchy, munchie, birkenstock, rockin', vegan nature druid dad. Fun fact about Henry, Henry's favorite grandkid is all grandkids because he thinks all kids are grand. Wow, that's

nice. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to be honest, it kind of felt like a dodge when he told me that. Like, he didn't want to pick between me and my sister hero, but now that I know that, like, every generation of our family is, like, cursed by the doodler, maybe he just really wishes we didn't exist. Anyway, I yield the remainder of my time. Um, I'm Scary Marlow, and I play Ron Stampler in a

emotionally stunted step-step grandfather slash rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that he's dead. That's what I heard. I am Hermie the Unworthy and I'm your granddad. My granddad fact this week is that I just learned that I'm actually Taylor's uncle. So sorry. Kind of weird. Sorry Switchworthy fans. That ship has sailed. Yeah, Hermie, it seems like we learned a lot

about you last week? How are you feeling about all of that? I mean, in order to feel anything, I'd have to be focusing on it, which I can't because I'm too busy keeping Gotham safe from criminals. Yeah. There he is. All right, are you ready to pretend to be wizards and shit? Absolutely. All right, well then, get those dice and let's start rolling.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. No, no, no. I don't like that. I don't like that. Really? No. That makes it sound very much a BDSM podcast. I was just trying something. That's just my Dom Matt over there. Sorry, we'll start over. I was just trying. I was trying something. Go ahead. No, it's too far. We can't start over. Just go. It's not a BDSM podcast. It's just a Dungeons and Dragons podcast.

What do you think about that? Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, Dungeons & Dragons podcast about four teens from our world sent back to our world originally to save our world from their grandparents and their mistakes. And how will they do it? Well, listen on, dear listener. My name is Freddie Wong. Stay with us. Stay on target. I wear glass. I wear glass. Yeah, and I made it better by referencing Star Wars. What is your problem? Me.

Let me just think about that. Jay Leno? No, he does that. Have you heard about this? Have you heard about this? Death Star blew up Alderaan. Have you heard about this? I don't know. Hourglass does have a little bit of this. And you know, it just makes me wonder sometimes if Yavin was the right planet for it. I play Taylor Swift. He's the anime-loving teen of the group. Everyone's a teen, just to be clear. But this week's Taylor fact is...

This is not the first time Taylor's been in church. Last episode, we visited the church of the Dueling. Taylor's been in church before, too. Freddie, it would be so funny if that was the whole fact. Yeah, you know what? That's it. That's it. Taylor's been in church before. He was familiar with how church works. I want to hear the whole fact. What was the fact? It was funny. He was asked politely to leave because the entire time he'd be like, oh, just like an Evangelion. Maybe we should just not hurt the rest of it.

Hey, I didn't know that we were fucking grading each other's fucking facts, you asshole. Well, you can grade mine. Here we go. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled at home soccer kid who's a protective paladin of the group. Little fact about Lincoln. So again, as you know, he's homeschooled, which means pretty much his knowledge is kind of dependent upon Marco and Grant's knowledge. And when it comes to geography, all of his knowledge of other countries comes from who has participated in the World Cup.

So he knows exactly 80 countries. That's how many countries have participated in the history of the World Cup. He does not know any other country, and he knows every single country's score. He thinks there's 80 countries in the world. As far as he's concerned, there's 80 countries in the world, and he knows every single country that's ever played in the World Cup. What about ancient countries? What are those? Macedonia. Did they play in the World Cup? What is that? B minus. I'll take that. I'll take that. I'll take a B minus fact.

All right, Will. Oh, no, the pressure's on. My name's Will Campos. I play Normal Oak. He's a mixed-up mascot teen who has unlocked ages-old truths about his origin, and he doesn't know what to do about that. Normal fact about Normal this week is Normal...

gets bad grades in school. He's like a 2.5 GPA. So he'll be satisfied with his dad fact rating. What's his best subject? And he's going to mull over either trying to turn the C into a B or turning that minus into a plus. What's his best subject and his worst subject? That would be a tricky one to turn into a B. Yeah.

He's not good at that either. It's a lowercase B I got on my test. It's actually just a straight C- across the board in all subjects. There is no sub... Yeah, that's great. Turned into a smiling emoticon. Your parents think it's like a duet school. Just that's in the future. All of the... There's no grades, it's just emojis now. So he's trying to get that smiley emoticon. This essay makes me feel fingers on shin.

I got a laughing crying on it. Is that a good laughing on crying or a bad laughing crying? So I thought that the one where it's the guy going like, was like just a silly smile. And I found out it's the cringe emoji. Oh, it is? Yeah. Like that one. I was just like, Beth almost, Beth almost. Oh, the grimmers. I didn't know what it was. I just thought it was a funny little smile. Funny smile. Oh, no. It's E. I've been cringing at people for years. I've been making an idiot of myself. Oh, that makes me.

Normal gets straight cringe emojis in school. That's the final fact. I'm sticking with it. I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlo, the god punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun, canonical teen fact about Scary and about, you know, the history of the world. Okay. This week. Go ahead and set that up. Yes. Just to establish canonically, Scary has never met...

step-grandfather Ron Sampler, but did hear the sad truth from her stepdad, Terry Jr., that Ron disappeared and presumed, you know, actually died. Disappeared? Well, no, died while fishing on his boat, the Salty Swallow, and all they found was a bunch of worms. It was donated by your wife's ice cream company. It was actually the official boat. It was donated by your wife.

All they found were a little container of worms, some of Daryl and Ron's beer, you know, the 20 ABV kind, and then a pair of Bermuda shorts. But they never found him. He was lost at sea. So he never found the body. William Colby, former CIA director. Ron's not dead. I'm just saying that they never found him. That's my favorite Christian movie.

stay tuned for Ron's not dead too. Okay. Beth gets a B plus Anthony though for that final comic. It's an A plus. Wow. Good job class. I fucking you over on the bell curve. Uh,

I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. I guess my dad fact for this week will be we haven't filmed it yet, but I think by the time this episode goes live, we will have filmed a little vignette of me doing my full tattoo reveal because it's done. That's right. Yeah. So I think congratulations. Yeah. How was the experience? If I could go back and not do it, I would. I would not do it. That's always a good thing to think about.

People are like, you're going to regret that tattoo 20 years from now. But Anthony regrets it instantly. Speed run. I mean, I'm glad that I have it now. But the amount of money it took, the amount of physical and weirdly emotional pain that it caused me, because I would have panic attacks the day before I had to go back in. Yeah, and I had to spend a lot of time with a guy who really liked Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan. So usually when I want that, I just hang out with Matt. But he does hang out with me. I do. I need someone to play Warhammer with.

When we last left you, you had headed into the cults of the Doodler's Church. You had looked into the past and seen that your dads, along with their dads, had looked into the mind of the Doodler, specifically Lark had. He hadn't told anybody what he saw, but he saw the same thing that in our timeline, Normal saw.

which is that the doodler is basically a non-Euclidean eldritch teen who looks at humanity as its dad and alternately resents, loves, hates, fears, and is kind of bored by humanity itself. And you know that there are four anchors spread amongst the realms that you can go and find and destroy. You cannot tell where the majority of them are, but you know that one of them is back in what you know is home, but what is actually the Forgotten Realms, the fantasy world. Oh.

back where all of your family and friends are. How do we know this? Normally you have awakened, the power of a doodler has awakened something in you and you feel that you are something of a doodler detector now. You can feel the pull of those anchors on you because of the mental bond. And that's when I thought to myself, now I'm something of a doodler detector and I can feel the pull of these anchors and I'm pretty sure one of them is back home. Wait, what do you mean we gotta help it? Like help it to its death? No, we gotta help it! It's just like us, it's a teen! It's a

it's sad and it's lonely and miserable and unhappy. And I feel like if we cut it loose, I don't know, it'll go away. I mean, everyone's been trying to kill it. And I think if we help it along, we can alleviate its pain and we can, I just feel like it's the only way we need to go. Doesn't it kill things? Yeah. And it's like, Oh,

I push away the people that I love feel bad for me. Having depression and things is like good, but like you still have to be responsible for your actions. So it's like if the doodler is killing things like. It doesn't know that that's what it's doing though. It's like, remember when you. Oh, I'm so mysterious and cool because I don't know what I'm doing. Like who cares?

Yeah. Scary. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Scary gets it now. Wait, hold on a second. Has the doodler killed anything? Grant says yes. Many, lots of yes. Like what? Explain. Well, when it was first burst into the world, it killed, I think everybody there back in Oak Ridge in Tennessee, when it was first brought in, in the, like the 1920s or thirties. I remember reading about that. And,

And then when it took over Earth, it sort of created a bunch of weird monsters and tried to like absorb people and turn them into monsters. Yeah, it killed a lot of people. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. On purpose or like? How should I know? It's a big, weird, black, tenderly thing in the sky. I don't know what its intentions are. If you're saying that you saw something

in its mind that it's just like sad and scared. And like I said, Lark never told us what he saw in there, but he came out saying we have to kill it. He was like, sure that we had to kill it. So maybe you're like misinterpreting. Well, maybe he's misinterpreting everything of that. Yeah.

Well, okay. No, I guess I didn't. Yeah. Look, all I know is the way that this has been going, it hasn't been working at all. And I feel like this is the way we got it. There's these anchors and we need to release it so that it can, I don't know. I just feel like that's the thing we got to do. It's like an animal. Yeah. It's like an animal. We got to set it free. Yeah.

It's like me and you, when we watch like bullfights, you'd be like, oh, isn't that great? Like, good job. Like, kill the dudes. Like, we root for the bull. Or like when like... To clarify, when we see a bull gore a matador, we say good for you. Yes, that's what makes us... No, it's not that we watch bulls. It's just like, you know, it's like when people send YouTube videos or whatever. Yes, also to clarify, we don't sit down and watch people getting gored. Yeah, just to clarify. We never fight

- I did not make my son watch men get gored. - You don't have to clarify that, they totally get what I'm saying. - Okay. - It's just anytime they send a video, it's like, oh look, the lion that ate the magician, good for the lion. So you don't blame the animal, so you're the bullfighter then. If this is just an animal that's killing things because it doesn't know what it's doing, it's not its fault. - We have to come to some kind of understanding with this thing, 'cause it's in pain and it's slashing out. Whoever has the sun, can you roll perception?

I got a 10. I could say, well, who knows what happened, but I think it's very clear what happened. Yeah. So he goes, well, the thing is, he's holding the box now. He managed to swipe it from you with his sleight of hand roll while you were getting distracted by normal screaming. He goes, do you understand rabid dogs? That metaphor? I know none of you have dogs that I know of. I got my dogs right here. Am I right? Yeah, you never let us have dogs. Bark, bark, woof, woof. No, no. Oh, like your balls? When a dog goes rabid. No, my bros, my dogs. Holy shit. What's wrong with everybody? Oh.

Oh, my God. Okay. Hermie gets it. I hold out a fist bump. He holds out a shaky fist to bump you. He goes, yeah, I got you, nephew. Ha ha ha ha!

Maybe you're right, but if what you're saying is true and this thing is just confused and these anchors are like nails pinning down the chains of a rabid junkyard dog, when you remove the nails and the chains go loose, isn't there a chance that it'll just like devour our faces and bite us and give us rabies? Like when a dog's rabid, there's kind of only the one thing to do. And I, you know, sorry, I've got, I've got that. I mean, I've got the sun, so I know.

I'll handle that. Wait, what? Yeah, while you all were distracted, I took your breath. He did change. He did tell us that. I told you I would. I was honest with you. Okay, well, honestly, I would like to send back. I zoot back to season one. Okay, so he gets very small suddenly. Then I roll sleight of hand. Pick him up. Oh, wow. That's great. She's going to roll sleight of hand as Ron, who has a much better sleight of hand. That's great.

Five plus 11. Five plus 11? So he's going to roll. As a child. As a child. As a tiny baby depressed boy who loves Fortnite. He is going to roll. And yeah, no, 16 does not do it. And he just goes, woof. I've...

just realized you all are going to try to attack me and take this. I didn't think that it was going to get that rowdy. So I'm going to buy. And he just starts sprinting. I run after him. I'll go back to season two. Yeah, I'm sprinting. And also my strike gets longer. And yeah, but so is your dad's two. I gain one inch. I go from six, two to six, three. Dad, this isn't.

buddy, give it back. So he runs into the cat bus. What are you just going to abandon us here? And he goes, I'll be back. We have one more action before the cat takes off. I have the ruler, right? The measuring tape. The measuring tape. Holy shit, make the cat really small. So how many charges does this thing have? Let's roll a D4 and that's how many uses it has. All right, well, the first thing I'm going to do is I'm going to say that son's not going to be very useful to you without this. Oh, and he stops and he goes,

shit make the cat small make the cat small no i don't know how many uses this thing has suppose we already got i'm gonna stop i rolled a d4 you had to you used one you have one use of this thing okay now i bet you're wondering did i measure two things or only one well it was one oh you all right well i got one left and i can make you really tiny right now and then i wouldn't be able to turn you back so what do you want okay you got me here and he just hands you the sun back first

Perception check. Perception check. Insight, I think, is what you want. Insight. I got a 16. So 16. He is genuinely defeated and goes like, okay, I get it. Yeah. You all know he doesn't have an ulterior motive. He forgot that he needed to get both the tape measure and the sun because Anthony forgot. And he just hands you back the sun because the idea of you destroying the stuff is a lot worse.

Look, look, okay, yes, you have leverage over me. If you destroy the measuring tape, my plan gets fucked up. But you could also use that measuring tape for something, so don't destroy it. It could be hugely, hugely useful. Literally. Yeah. Dad, Mr. Wilson, listen, you're right. We don't know what'll happen when we remove these anchors. We're gonna have to figure that out. But this is the first promising leave we've had that doesn't explicitly involve destroying a whole part of the universe. Like, your plan isn't any better. Millions of people are gonna die.

I know it's scary, but we have to face this thing. We have to at least try to figure this out. What I saw in there was I saw a being in pain. That's what I saw. I didn't see a feral monster that was going to attack us the second we let it loose. I saw something that wanted to be loved. And like, I don't know about the rest of you, but I've got to try to help it.

Dad, we don't know if it's a rabid dog or not. We're going to find it out before we just put it down and we're going to try to help it. If normal says we're going to help it, we're going to help it. So that's right. Yeah. At least let us get a vibe check, like see what its favorite music is or whatever. So are you going to help us or not? So as you've been saying all this, you see him look up almost in thought and

as you're talking and then slowly him looking up turns into like a big long slow eye roll and then you see his posture sort of shift forward a little bit and he takes out his phone and he starts playing fortnight the adult version of him does this the adult version of fortnight yeah the adult fortnight nights fortnight where we drop in boys um and he goes like yeah no that's cool whatever whatever works what do you mean if you want to roll arcana you can i got a 10 arcana they're

13. Taylor had 18 plus 220. 3 plus 7, 10. So only Taylor notices that he has the glazed over kind of look in his eyes that you saw in Lark and Sparrow's eyes when they had been here for too long. He's sort of not quite sure who he is. And for some reason, this conversation has made it easier for him to think of himself as a teen who is free of responsibility rather than the adult who had to make this difficult choice. Taylor doesn't tell anybody this.

Okay. Nobody knows this information. Nobody gets to know except Taylor. Taylor's the only person who knows this. Taylor looks straight at, clocks it, doesn't say a word. Nobody else understands even why it's happening. So Grant goes like, yeah, whatever. Okay, I'll be in the fucking cat. Whatever.

Whatever. You need to go home to Marco. And you know what? I just don't trust you. Like you, even with the zone of truth, like I don't know what's going on right now. He's acting up. Seems like Taylor's got something going on over there, but you know, I can use, I don't need. It looks more smug than usual. I don't need Arcana to piece together. I don't think you're going to be able to have any help and we don't need you right now. You Marco needs you and there's stuff going on in our world. So you need to go home. So Grant goes and sits down and crosses his arms like really hard. Okay.

Well, that's real mature, buddy, but doesn't change anything. So, hey, normal. Let's lift up dad. We do need to go home, too, because that's, I think, we're the first of these anchors. The one I can most powerfully sense as a doodler detector is. Well, there we go. Looks like we're all going home. But when we get home, you're going to home home with Marco. Yeah, you're grounded. And we're going to go do what we need to do. So...

we're all going home but you're staying home you don't want to go back well it's like here we're like cool crime fighting like superhero kind of like that's what you got from everything we've done and i guess you're a superhero none of us are back home it's just like people pulling your hair and like calling you like names and stuff like that and just not understanding who's

Who's pulling your hair? But now I have Fireball. And anybody who defies me, you know, I'll just have that in my back pocket. Well, you might have it over there, too. You know what? Scary, you don't need Fireball to burn brighter than the sun. Oh, my God. Grant's like, oh, my God. So just, you know, keep that spirit going, and it's going to be great. We're going to go back there. Just because you got some cool, like, jeweler power that makes you special doesn't mean you're more special than me. I'm sadder than you. I would never say I'm more special than you.

than you. I think everyone on this team is special in their own way. Like, you know, you've got this like special thing going on where like you're mean all the time and Link is like really nice and Taylor is very creative. So we all have something that we're great at. And I saw Prophecy and I'm going to save the world. So I think we're all equal. And before at school, we were all bullied. We didn't have any friends. And now we all have three friends. And now we all have powers and stuff. Four. Hermes.

Oh, hey, Hermie. Hi. Yeah, well, we should go back. I'm feeling cold towards you as well. Oh, okay. Is that Mr. Freeze? Towards me? Yes, this is my Mr. Freeze voice. He's going through a lot right now. He keeps disassociating. He's not ready to deal with his dad stuff. You're disassociating. Oh, I'm Hermie. I'm disassociating. Sorry. I'm doing one of two things. He says, and he flips a coin. He says, I'm either disassociating or this is who I am. And he rolls a die. Evens are, he's disassociating odds are this is who he is. He goes, this is who I am.

It sounds like we should be going back to our world. Yeah. And you're like a radar now or something? Yeah. I can sense it in me. You know? Checkpoints. You got some checkpoints. I've never really sensed something before. I'm really excited about that. Hey, really quick. Before we go, should we just check all the shops, make sure that we're buying everything that we can?

What shot? Make sure that we're clearing out any sides. Every time we're here, what are you talking about? You mean the main warehouse where I got this smart-looking three-piece suit that I bought? Yeah, the Papa John's where you can buy pizza made out of dudes. We're all satisfied. We're all satisfied with that. Okay, just making sure. Just making sure. Completionist. What are we going to do with the sun? Okay, that's a good idea. Let's pull out a pad. Okay, we got four anchors, right? That's what we're saying? Yeah. That's what you said? Okay, one of them's in our world. Do you know where the other three are? My hunch is I think there's probably one in each of the planes.

So there might be one here, but I can't sense it. Okay. I'm writing it down like it's like a mission checklist in a video game. It's like, yeah, you know, Oscar, stay overnight. Or just like a checklist. Yeah. Yeah, checklists exist now. No, like in a video game, man. Dad, you know what I'm talking about. Fortnite over there. In fact, I look over the Fortnite screen and I copy exactly their interface. So you copy a picture of Janelle Monae riding a unicorn.

Yeah. And Joker doing a dab. We got four of these. We're going to have to get each of them to save or check if the doodler's rabbit or not rabbit, but hopefully we don't have to kill it. And we'll start in our world, and you don't know where the other three are yet. I don't. Okay. But that's a good start. Good start. That's a good start. That's the positivity I'm looking for. See, scary? We all put our heads together. There's nothing we can't accomplish. Maybe like when we were like our grand step parents, that was the case. They all worked together fine, but no, we can never...

Maybe it's maybe it's me you're saying. Is that what you're saying? Saying what? No, I'm saying like, whatever. Oh, I'm normal. I've just come up with something about the whole group that I think is true. Whatever. I do think that it's true because I respect everyone here and you too. And you know what? You're great. And you know, you're going to we're going to we're going to do a great job together. Are you OK, scary? I mean, obviously not.

Do you want to talk? Yeah. I mean, how much time you got? As much time as you want. If you see right here, there's a little sub menu of side quests and I put talk to scary and it's not checked yet. So why don't we talk to you? It's objective. So what's up? Okay. So I'm alone. So alone. And everything is dark and dark.

And, um... Herman, you're taking notes. Yep. I got alone, and then under that sub-bullet, alone, and then dark. Uh, yeah, and, um, nobody understands me. Mm-hmm. And, um, I, uh, am so misunderstood. What do you wish they understood about you? Uh, well, I don't really wish that. Um...

You know what? Let's agree to disagree. Okay. And then let's go back to... Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure. It feels like you were maybe underway to a moment there, so we can keep talking if you want to talk. No, clearly my issues are so deep-seated that talking about them wouldn't fix them, unfortunately. I think we're maybe too shallow to get at those deep-seated issues of yours. Yes. I'm sorry.

I mean, I can't believe I'm agreeing with you, but yes. Oh, she's coming around, finally. That's why you play the long game, Hermit. He says, tapping himself. Hermit, can you not just be a little less? Ha ha ha!

I'm sorry. I just found out that my parents are my parents and now you're trying to pull rank on me. Well, no. Okay. Here, checkmark. The high ground is once again Hermes. Let's get, look, we got a lot to do. We don't need to. Do we check off that objective though as a completionist? We need to check off that objective. Scary, you're a leader. Let's get going, right? Maybe we should long rest first.

We could always long rest on the way back to the portal. Oh, yeah, we could. Oh, my God. Okay. I mean, yeah, we could. Oh, my God. Yeah, let's just get going, I guess. Well, Dad, let's go. And before you object and say, oh, no, I don't want to go. You know, the Wi-Fi here sucks. It'll be better at home. So, you know, let's get on. Let's, you know, get your game. Pick up your game and let's go. I'm playing a single player on my hard drive version of Fortnite. Yeah, well, there's a new update or something.

Get in the bus. He narrows his eyes. He's like, you're probably right. Get in the bus. I know you just guessed and you made that up, but you're probably right. They update Fortnite constantly. That's why it's still the most popular video game in the world. All right. So you head back. And we long rest. And you long rest. And everybody gets to level up.

Fucking finally! So are we six now? Some of you are. Six. I'll roll an encounter table. Encounter table. I roll an encounter table, and you rolled well, so unfortunately nothing, a particular note happens. Thank goodness. You see in the distance some really cool combat that might have happened, but you just make

Managed to steer away from that. Yeah, the cat avoids it. So you are back at the portal to your world, to the Forgotten Realms. Wait, hold on. It takes two weeks though, right? Yeah, it'll take two weeks to get back. So we're going to be in here for two weeks. So if you have to go to the bathroom, go to the bathroom now.

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Guys, it's going to be two weeks. You don't know what it's going to be like in there. Yeah, all right. So if there's anyone else who's going to put diapers on. This is our last chance to get some fresh air in the doodler world. Stretch, stretch, stretch. If you want to stretch out, if there's anything you want from here, go ahead and get it. Because, yeah, it's going to be a long two weeks. I thrive on the stagnant air of non-fresh air. Taylor, you are our official. You're the survival person, right? This is your thing. No.

Ah, yes. We have a two-week jaunt. Come on. We got to embrace what makes us different, makes us stronger. Thank you, Link. That's what I've been saying, Scary. We're all different, and that's what makes us a cool team. Dear diary, they keep telling me that what makes us different makes us stronger, but they don't understand. What's the point of a diary if you read out loud? We hear you.

Well, I'm just saying that like I'm writing in my diary. So it's a very private thing. Okay. All right. So when it comes to survival mechanisms, rationing, we're all rationing right now. They tell me to ration, but they're not rational. Water. Everybody gets a little bit.

Okay. Okay. Wow. But not hold a mind on this boy. That's my nephew. All right. I drink a little bit of water as a lot of water falls down my cheeks in the form of tears. Nope. Nope. Nope. You don't want that. It's not good. You're going to dehydrate. You're going to dehydrate. So everyone, let's make sure. So Taylor, you'll make sure everyone has the right amount of water and right amount of calzones. Now we're on a strict rationing system.

now for entertainment. We still have the calzones. Yeah, they're in the back. All of us get inside the calzone. We can eat from the inside. I like a couple of days. Yeah. Link, you don't need to be inside. I'm already in. It's nice and warm. Feels good. It is room temperature at best. Uh,

And then also specifically, there's one very important thing, which is morale. Morale is the most important thing for survival. What are we going to do for entertainment? Oh, that's great. I have a bunch of fun games we can play. And there's story games where we can all take turns telling a story together. They keep talking about morale when morally they're ambiguous. I am a little worried about scary. I'm just going to do over the next two weeks. That last couple didn't even really make sense. Those entries are not going to work well in the future. Yes, you're right.

You're right. You're right. You're right. You know what we could do is two weeks is almost a perfect amount of time to rehearse and mount a little production. We could do a little play, put Scary's mind off it, get her head in a character. We could do a play. You know what we could also do is play Dungeons and Dragons.

Ooh, I like that idea. We can all play characters. We can do like a little two week mini campaign of Dungeons and Dragons and we can play Dungeons and Dragons together. That's great. But who's going to be the DM? Huh? Who's going to be the DM? Well, that'll be scary. Of course. Scary. You want to be the dungeon master, like the master of the dungeon. Is that so dark and cool?

Oh, Dungeon Master. Like maybe if you'd be able to express all your darkness, you'd be in charge of the world finally. And maybe we'd all understand you a little bit better. Yeah, you guys will have another thing coming. You don't know what I'm going to plan. Oh my God, I'm so excited for this two-week adventure we're about to go on. Really excited to see what this portal's like. Hands in the middle, everyone. Okay.

Dad, can you look up from your game for just a second? I'm in the middle of it. No, just pause it. I'm in a cut scene and I don't know if pressing start will skip it or pause it. What cut scene? Is that just Channing Tatum riding a unicorn with Janelle Monae? Like what's going on over there? They added a lot of singer play content to Fortnite. I told you. I gotta help Channing. I gotta help Channing get where he needs to go.

The magic is inside me. So he puts out a hand while continuing to look at his phone. All right. All right. All right. Let's go. What's the cheer? Oh, yeah. Gosh, a cheer. One, two, three. We're all great. One, two, three. Let's be great. I'll work on it. Yeah. Bye, everyone. I mean, let's all go. You're going with us. I'm just so excited we're doing something as a group. I'm going to get to hang out

for a little bit. Okay. The cat leaps into the invisible hole between dimensions and the world around you gets... I know we're in the cat, but the way this was all staged felt like we were standing in front of the portal. So I think the idea of the cat just was so tired of us that it just fucking jumped in. And we're like, oh, the cat went in front of us.

No, you're in the cat. So yeah, you go through, you were surrounded by a purple shifting, a malodorous void. Yeah. You have two weeks to spend, I guess, playing Dungeons and Dragons. So my character. Oh, it actually takes two weeks. It really does. My character is going to be a necromancer named malodorous void. It's the thing I was saying. I'm going to be, I want to be a soccer player with cool,

knives and I'm going to be hmm blink blink Wilson and soccer player and I got nice laughter laughter

This campaign is all about the small things. This one's easy. Meet Ronan Blade. Ronan Blade is a masterless samurai. He's already at level 20. I want to be clear. He's already at level 20. No, I get to make all the rules.

up and I say that you're a level five. Okay. All right. What level am I? You're a level six. I was the one who gave you the idea to do a super fun thing where you get to be the center of attention. You're also a level six. Yeah. Okay. Just so you guys know. Wait, what about your dad?

Mr. Wilson, are you playing with us? No, I'm good. That's fine. He doesn't need to play. This is pretty cool. What's your character? My character? What am I afraid of? What scares me the most? So I imagine a man, erudite in nature, handsome in the daylight. But at night, what happens? He becomes vengeance incarnate. He becomes force unleashed. He becomes...

The Bat. I guess that's okay. I didn't finish, but my whole thing was I was a soccer player by day and then like Batman at night. You know what? There's room for two Batman. Yeah, there could be two Batmans. That's cool. You could be my boy Ward. Well, maybe we like have different parts of the city and there's kind of like a rivalry between us. Yeah, like I'm uptown Batman, you're downtown Batman. Well, okay, we can decide. I'm Batman.

And then sometimes he's like, ooh. He's a bad man in an uptown world. And then sometimes the job's like, oh, we need two bad guys for this one. And he's like, oh, hey, I'm in a mobile soccer game, so you can do it. Stopping all of the Joker guys. So you can't interrupt me, but I'm going to give us a count of three. Who is straight in the air? Who's loose cannon? One, two, three. Loose cannon. Yeah. Go. Yeah. This is going to be a fun time.

Wait, we're probably not that sober, but my whole thing is that I'm really kind of grumpy and mean, but on the inside, I'm just broken. I'm just like, I just need somebody to understand. You just described a loose cannon, which I already decided I am. All right, it's fine. All right, scary. Come with me, boy ward. Scary, this is your chance to shine. Take us away. Okay, it's Christmas time, and you're in a tavern. Ronan Blade sharpens his blade. No, you don't. What? What?

That's all you need. That's all you need. Wake up. This is great. The strong authorial hand that this story needs. Continue, please, Gary.

There's a mysterious figure in the corner. It's a woman. Don't approach her to do anything creepy or anything. Why are you looking at me? I'm just hanging above her like a bat, staring straight at her. No, you don't. I'm blinking. How is it funny twice? How is it just as funny the second time? You go up and ask her how she feels. Wait, which one of us? You do. Okay, how do you...

How do you feel? She says something like... Could she be sad? No, she's not sad. She's like, I feel so great. But you need to go on a mission to help my sister who's not great. She's very far away over on the other side of the tavern. Can I do that, Scary? Can I go to the other side of the tavern? Roll. What do I roll? Roll.

A dice. Any dice? Any dice. I don't have a dice. Can I just think of a number? I carved these dice out of hardened bits of cheese. Here's a D20, my friend. Can I just think of a number? Roll the cheese dice. No, you have to roll. Okay. I got... I don't like this number, though. What did you get? It's an unlucky number. What is it? It's a four. Okay. You go to the other side of the tavern. Chinese football? No, that's not my favorite.

My dad's got another kid. I don't like that number. It is an unlucky number in Chinese. Oh, well, they know what they're talking about. Dear Lister, you had an episode with lore and all that shit. The world has to rebalance itself. You don't get to complain. I got a four. I got four scary. Oh, Beth is getting out of pen and paper. This is getting serious. Okay. You go over to the other side of the tavern. There's,

The person who's also in a hooded thing says, you must have met my sister. Oh, yeah. We did. We did. Wait, no. I grab her by the scruff of her thing and I say, give us the answers. Watch out, he's a loose cannon. Okay. Thank you. But so am I. Fuck.

Sorry, I just got to do a couple more DM planning. It's really hard to be the DM, guys. Meanwhile, Malodorous Void is going to go up to the barkeep and plink down a couple of gold coins and say, do you have any, what's going on in these parts? Tell me a little bit about the world that I'm in. So you hear from the back, Grant, go...

Hey! Hey, is there a problem, Mr. Wilson? I'm just, there was a Dungeons & Dragons module in Fortnite, and I know that the way you ask about that kind of stuff is you don't just ask for exposition. You, like, add a story hook of, look, it would be like this. So imagine a character, imagine, like, Channing Tatum. Imagine a character that looks like Channing Tatum, and he walks up to the bar, and he scooches into the circle with you, and he goes, and Channing Tatum walks up to the bartender and

And he says, I've got a bounty to turn in. Where do I turn in my bounty? And there's somebody I'm pulling behind me with a rope. And what does the bartender say? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I was doing my DM notes. Yeah. Yeah, what are you doing? The scariest game. So, you can play next round if you want. Yeah. I can't play? All right. You're not right now. All right. Well.

only got like i designed this like complex dm plan for but it's only for four players right now okay yeah we asked if you wanted to play and you said no so you gotta live with that decision so okay fine you can play next round like i said burst into flames and dies fine fine and he goes and he sits down he plays fortnite again but like with his arms crossed harder yeah okay so i'm gonna hand out pieces of paper for and don't open them that really has pieces of paper and don't

Don't open them until I say you can, okay? Yes. Okay. Wow. Oh my gosh, Gary, this looks so fun. You're really coming into your own. This is really great. She really is in charge. Beth is, in fact, walking around and handing everyone a folded piece of paper. Don't look at it. Don't look at it. Don't look at it.

Normal, you're not supposed to look at it yet. I didn't look at it. I didn't look at it. Will looked at it, but Normal didn't look at it. It's funny, though, right? It's not scary. This is like... I don't really act. This is making me feel really vulnerable. I'm sorry, Scary. I just got so excited by seeing you express yourself with arts and crafts and the power of storytelling that I went ahead and looked. Is that okay? Okay, so all of a sudden...

monster comes in and it's um it's scary yeah I looked at it too but I'm gonna pretend I did it but I don't like where this is going okay I didn't look scary so what's your character's name uh blink blink okay so you can go away so you can go ahead I told you I'd be where I am so you no you don't you can go

Go ahead and open the piece of paper. And what happens when you see the monster? It says I die. You die. Okay, you die. Okay, so, um, Hermie, you're next. Looks like I am definitely the loose cannon now. Okay, what do you do when you see the monster? I open the paper? Yeah. I die. Okay, so...

So normal. What's your character's name? My character's name is Malodorous Void and I'm a bounty hunter and I have a cool bounty with me that I'm looking to turn in. Okay. So roll, roll, roll fighting. You can't die. You're the only one that's left alive, man. Wait, what are you doing? Oh yeah, sorry. Taylor's here. Oh yeah. What are you again? Ronan Blades appears from the ship. Oh, I got a four. Is that bad? Scary? Yeah,

Well, okay. So you don't get to do your next action, I decided. Okay. So we're going to skip your turn. Okay. So Taylor, what's your character's name? Ronan Blade. Okay. So open your paper. Ronan Blade takes a step back and draws his sword. The steel glinting in the... Wait, I die. Wait, wait. That's not fair. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Maybe it's I roll a die. You die. Oh, that's true. He's just interpreting what you wrote down. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so roll, so roll. All right, all right, all right. I take the piece of cheese and I roll it. Ahem. Three. Okay, so you die. What? And then... Wait, scary, scary. Heads and hands up. Yeah. Can I say something cool before I die? Yeah, yeah. Wait, we could do that? No. Ronan Blade, in his dying breath, looks at all of everyone in the tavern and says, I guess the secret to my family's hidden treasure... This is taking too long. Ha ha ha!

So, anyways, that's D&D. I mean... What happened to Melodious? Oh, he died. Oh, man! It's like, you didn't really see that part because it happened off screen or whatever. How did my team do without me? They did fine. Oh. Oh.

Ahead of the cat bus, the purple void makes way for a bright piercing light and the world opens up in front of you and you find yourselves suddenly on solid ground. There's a judder and a shudder as the cat lands on its feet on solid ground and you are once again at the bottom of the daddy's dungeon.

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Standing there holding a clipboard is May Hales, and next to her, fighting off two weird, doodler-ized-looking people is Willie. Willie grabs one around the neck and does a suplex and smashes his body, and his body explodes and grabs the other one, then punches him in the head, and his head snaps back or whatever. He's...

We good, May? And he's like, yeah, there's nobody else left. Yeah, he's shirtless. He looks great. And May's like, yeah, it looks like, oh, oh, you're here. And she's like, whoa, you're back. And oh, Grant's here. And okay, hey, everybody. How's everything going? It was a weird two weeks. We played Dungeons and Dragons for five minutes, and then we just kind of sat around in silence afterwards for two weeks. I was drawing all this fan art for my character, Ronan Blade. I'm scary. I hope you don't mind. I actually did like a sort of side adventure with everybody.

you know, just like, yeah, it was great. It was a prequel. It was like a prequel. We just kind of felt like his dogs, you know, you didn't, you kind of just killed us all. So I was like, what would happen if we went to the afterlife? But I'm sorry. Yeah. Also, we kept asking you if you wanted to play. You just kept saying, yeah,

Yeah, writing. Yeah, there's a whole two weeks of stuff that we didn't get into. That was that was really like so many lyrics now for my band. Once I get the band back together or like it's been a pretty productive two weeks, I got to say I finished my manga. So how are you doing, April Miss? Well, that's what I called you so that the people didn't know I was talking to you. Willie's like, I'm good. Just been fucking dealing with the whole war with the mayor and shit. They just invaded the daddies. But I think I think we're good.

But I'm glad you came back when you did. Wait, why are you talking to Willie? You had him in prison before. And he's like, yeah, I did. He seemed shady and stuff. But like ever since the mayor attacked, he like saved my life and all your parents lives and stuff. And like, we've sort of been in a big old war situation and he's been doing a pretty, pretty good job, generally speaking. And so he's like, I've sort of been treating as my boss, sort of as the head of daddy's. So I just kind of been doing whatever he wants. And actually there's some great news on that front. So you remember there were all those rooms in the dungeon with all the

items and stuff like that and the keys and the money and all that stuff that seemed like it was gonna be really important and we kind of forgot about it. Yeah. Willie just like picked the locks on all the doors. So you now have access to all of the items. So if you guys check Discord, I just sent you a link to the Patreon submission form. So you get a free run of once per episode, you get to choose one patron submitted item. Oh my God. I get veto in case it's like really crazy overpowered. But once per episode, you can just

pick something out of here from the open rooms and daddies and add it to your inventory. There are so many items in here. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. This is a real, like this, you've called our buff on this one. This is too much. Yeah. It's literally thousands of items. So yeah, we've got all kinds of stuff we can do to take down the doodler. And so Willie's like, yeah. Well, thank you, Mr. Stampler. But now. God fucking Willie. Oh, you fucking. And he like moves forward as if he's going to hit Willie and Willie doesn't flinch.

Don't do that. Yeah, no violence. Well, maybe, I mean... We'll like violence if it's cool, but not against Willie. Oh, well, but we're in charge again now, right? We're back, so we're the bosses. Uh, sure, Willie says. Yeah, why not? You're, yeah. You looked into the doodler's mind, right? Oh, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, emergency T-Naddle. I don't think we should tell him anything. Yeah, something feels wrong. This reminds me of the time that I was the president of the anime fan club, then Dirk Biggins took over after a two-week vacation when I went with my mom to Aruba.

Okay. What does that have to do with where the concert? You don't want to tell Willie that we saw what happened with the doula. I think we should just kind of keep our cards. We all agree with the adults. All of our adults, they suck right now. Like we're doing this ourselves. Like, and Willie, I know scary. I know you got complicated, but like, I'm not saying that our dads are good, but like, we definitely know Willie's bad. Like he's definitely super. Yeah, we do. We thought we knew the doula was bad. Yeah. Okay. But like, I guess, well, but we still, I mean, sure. Damn.

Normal, what do you think? I got to think about that one for a sec. Good and bad is too binary. I don't know. I'm kind of freaking out right now. I was... Okay, but we know that Willie wants power. Like, we just didn't know anything about the doodler. And then we learned more about the doodler. And then we discovered, like, it's not like we had read the doodler's life story and then, like, concluded. We just knew nothing about it. Now we know about it. But we know a lot about Willie. We did go read his mind, but we're not going to tell you what we saw. No.

Yeah. We reserve the right to tell or not tell you at a future date, sir. And we're going to exercise that right. Huh? The doodler's good. Scary! The doodler's good? What do you mean by good? Well, like, the doodler's like a...

kind of like a cool punk rock chick, you know? Like, she's just, like, really misunderstood. And, like, the more she, like, craves love, the more she pushes other people away. And she doesn't know how to receive it right, you know? She's just, like, so misunderstood and edgy and cool. Lily puts his hands to his head, and he goes...

Oh my, that's great. That's so good. If the doodler's cool and if the doodler's punk rock like you, then that means we can communicate with the doodler easier and like convince it to leave or convince it to, you know, do, do, do. That's great. That means that you don't, you're not going to have to be like, that's so good. So how are you going to, how are you going to. It's kind of what I was been saying. Yeah, that's what we're going to do, but we don't need him. The point is that we can't trust him. So yeah, we're, we've got a plan to take care of that, that we're going to go do. Great. What are you going to go do? How do I help?

seems like you're doing a good job here yeah so why don't you keep on stampling and uh we'll do our thing and you do your thing and neither the duane show me i that feels weird why you're doing is the war over looks like your dad got to like follow us to the church of the doula and like hang out and then the second like we meet somebody else you're like no stay here people are different from other people yeah boy don't

I know it. Hey, I've been like trying to like be supportive of you, but like I told my dad right away to like go and like, I know you're like the leader or whatever, but like, I don't know. Every time the three of us come up with something, you just, you just ignore us. Like I get it. This is your dad thing, but like, come on. Like we just agreed that we weren't going to tell him. And then you told him like, that's a jerk move. Like, yeah, it is a pretty jerk move. No, I'm cool. When you said that, that's like, that was a compliment.

So Willie sees you arguing amongst yourselves and he puts his hands up and goes, hey, you seem like you're going through a lot. Whatever you got to do, that's fine. Things have changed since you last left. It's a little bit of a war zone that we're still going to. Give us a little executive summary. What are the executives? Yeah, so it's still more or less the world as you know it. There's still, you know, school and businesses and stuff. But just the amount of random violence being enacted by the mayor and her denizens has gone up a lot. So you haven't been able to take care of the mayor problem is what I'm hearing.

No. That's going to show up on your performance review. Oh, that's a really good point. Actually, you know who's really been satisfied with my performance is your mother. That's very good to hear.

She's really the best. Yeah, she is the best. She's the best at so many things. What's your favorite thing about her? Why are you saying that so aggressively? It sounds like you have a good relationship with his mom. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. Well, because he was coming at me and I thought that it was going to get him to shut up, but now I'm misunderstanding his relationship. You thought you would insult him by telling him that you and his mother have a nice relationship? That's incredible. That's beautiful. When are you going to pop the question? Whoa, okay. Well, I mean, here's the thing. When you get a little bit older and you're an adult, you think, you know...

This person's a great one, but are they the one? And you don't want to, like, you know, lasso yourself to somebody forever. You're old, though. You're sort of feeling it out. Yeah, but you're old. I mean, you're as old as you feel, and I feel pretty. I mean, your mom makes me feel pretty young. That's very good, but you're old. And if you're not going to... And then Taylor, like, aggressively snaps forward. Like, if you're not going to lock that shit down, then you have no fucking business wasting her time. You understand me?

Willie is like, Potential stepdad! Willie's mouth, his jaw just drops. He had prepared how this conversation might go, and no version, no version of this conversation was even remotely similar to this. You listen to me, you motherfucker. Literally, that woman is an angel. If you're yanking her chain,

I will find you. Taylor, back off. He's never going to be your stepdad. Oh, you two would be brother and sister. No, because he's not my stepdad either. I mean, you're not, are you? No, I think I'm like, if anything, I'm like your great grand step something. Yeah, word, word, word. I don't care what you are. You treat that woman right, you hear me? Yeah, I will. I'll think about marrying your mom and becoming your dad. Miss Hales, where are our dads, though? Like, where is everybody? So May Hales, upon you asking, I was like, mm.

what's that mean? What does it mean? I'm not a fan. She grimaces. She does the grimace emoji. That's what that emoji is. That was another thing. The grimace emoji is just a big purple. Willie goes like, I gotta, I guess I gotta show you. It's going to be weird, but like, whatever. When you say like our dads, are you including my other dad? No, Marco's not here. Okay. So he's like, fine. Yeah. Yeah. He's fine. Um,

I mean, I'm sorry about your dad's whatever's about to happen. It's just very confusing for me because I have dads. You've seen that the dungeon is full of a bunch of open ass doors because he opened them all and got all this stuff inside. But one of them is closed nearby and he goes,

Let me explain before you freak out. Did you put our dads in there, dude? Let me explain before you freak out. And he opens it up. You see your dad's frozen in time almost with a net and a stun gun. They're like popsicles. Just my dad in there. I just thought you would appreciate a good pun, man. And you realize that their heads are still able to move. And they go like, oh, kids, kids. Terry Jr. goes, oh, scary, scary. Don't trust him, first of all. And second of all, can we have the son back, please?

Don't trust who? Willie, him. And Willie goes like, yeah, so when they came through, they kicked the crap out of me a little bit. And then they got the stuff they're holding now to sort of capture you when you got back and take the sun. Are you okay? I'm fine. Yeah, it's whatever. I've been beaten up before. Wait, so they're armed? Those weapons weren't to be used against us? Sparrow goes, no, no. We were going to use them against Willie and not you. We were going to ask you politely to give us the sun and the tape measure.

And that's all that was going to happen. How did you get frozen? What's going on here? Willie's like, oh, I did that. You can just freeze people? Well, I mean, I found an item in here and it was from the head down for a bit. Okay, well, unfreeze them and my dad's here too now. Okay, but if I do that, they're going to attack you. Yeah, and I'm just saying, like, if we unfreeze them, they're the ones that cause, like, all of our problems. I mean...

I guess if livings are a problem, she's kind of right. Well, no, kind of not, though, but, like, we'd be dead without them also. I mean, because we wouldn't exist if they hadn't. Well, I mean, not your parents, but, like, my dad. Like, I wouldn't be here. But our world would be ended. Yeah, but, like, I mean, look, this is the whole central thing we're wrestling with right now. So I just. I mean, they're not going to attack us now. Mr. Stampler and Mr. and Mr. I guess both Mr. Oaks. You're not going to attack us now. I mean, my dad's here and he's not attacking us. And we got the sun. And, you know, he'll explain that we're doing it our way now. We're not going to give them the sun, right? Yeah.

Oh, no. We don't want to do what they want to do. Yeah, because we don't trust them. And you're like, oh, let's unfreeze them. And then you didn't laugh at my popsicle joke, even though it's a pop. I just really didn't think it was the right time for a joke, Scary. You know, it was like, let's all play D&D together. And then it was like, oh, I'm going to kill everybody. And then, you know, like, now you want me to just play along with your bits? You just want me to play along with your goofs?

What about when it was time for... I'm sorry, we're getting off topic. So Lark says, like, yes, not trusting us. That's a very smart move. Scary, you're learning. Good job, Scary. You could learn something from Scary normal. Yeah, you could, normal. Dang, Scary. We're being pitted against each other. Willie says, if you want me to unfreeze them, I will. I'm going to make some distance between me and them before I do so because I don't want them to try to kill me again, but I'll do it. If that's what you want. We're all in this room? Yeah.

How did you freeze them? Is there the item? It's here? Yeah, but it was a two-use thing. Oh, okay. So we can unfreeze them. Or you can freeze another group of people and then your dads are frozen forever. Let's not do that. Yeah, we're in a moment to confer here. Yeah, can we just step outside of the room and talk real quick? Yeah, do whatever you're going to do. All right, don't kill each other. You wouldn't, right? They can't. I know, but you're not going to kill them. If I was going to kill them, I would have killed them already. And Grant, you're not going to kill anybody, Dad? Grant's like...

Uh, I think I'm gonna kill Willy for sure. Oh, okay. Not right now, but not right now. I'll give you a second. I'll give you a second. Okay. All right. We're gonna be right out here, okay? Yeah, okay. Let me see how you can come out to... May goes, okay, well, now I'm kind of... Shit, which one's my boss? We were your original bosses. We just have a question. Willy's like, it's okay. You can hang out. All right. Don't listen in. We'll be right back, okay? Grant goes, wait a minute. You're gonna close the door and try to lock it behind you, aren't you? I mean, the doors can't lock. You guys are in here just fine. They're already frozen. What are you talking about, Dad?

All right. We're going to be talking. Okay, go ahead and talk. All right. I close the door. Guys, okay, we're going to lock them in. I don't trust any of these parents, right? No, let's just keep it all contained. I love it. I love it. They need to figure their stuff out. They need to talk to each other. It's too confusing for us. They figure it out in there. And if they kill each other, I mean, I'm mad. My dad don't want him to die. Oh, God, he won't die. He won't die. He can kill Willie. But they're not going to kill each other. It's like my mom always says. Sometimes you got to let your agent be the bad guy.

And in this case, our parents, your parents, and Willie, they're like lawyers and agents. We just gotta keep them aside, let them figure their shit out while we save the world. Yeah, I think we gotta do it our way because otherwise we're gonna get confused and none of us know who's good or bad and I don't want us to be fighting about who's good or bad. We better just focus on our problem. All right, here we go. We don't trust Willie. Scary doesn't trust our dads. Yeah.

I don't know why I'm talking about you in the third person. You're right here. Scary, you don't trust our dads. I don't. I don't trust our dads either. I don't trust our dads either. I know you don't trust Willie. I do. So, well, but like work with me here. I've learned and I've learned to trust no one. Okay. So not even you. So we just put them in here and let them figure it out. Is that the. Miss Taylor's got to be one of the many thousands of items you said we could have. Now there must be one that just like locks the store. Yeah. I mean, well, there was locks on all the doors that we opened to get to the stuff. So I could just grab one of those locks. Yeah.

They're really strong, though, because they're all strong in there, right? They're all strong in there? But every dad in there is strong in there. They're all strong in there. They're all strong. My dad is really strong, and Willie's a bad guy, so he's probably got some big ideas to do bad things. I'm just saying they could all get out, probably. Just make sure they don't get out. As you know, every dad is strong. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, no, let me look around. You're saying we're okay to grab any item? Mm-hmm. Okay, hold on one second.

Any from that Patreon submission form that I sent you. You get one per episode, and I have veto power. I have an item called Veto Power. It was submitted by user Will C. It allows me to counter anything. Yeah, it makes me the DM. Ah, well, in that case, then one of the things I think Mayhales finds is an item by Austin Baker. Thank you, Austin. I think for this episode, the frequency-operated button. It appears like an ordinary electric key fob to a car, but it works on any frequency. It can lock everything.

anything with the lock button unlock anything with the unlock button open anything that can be perceived as a trunk with the open trunk button and activate any alarm by hitting the panic button this feels like some dc rules that balance it but i think that we would lock the door fine i think the way to balance is that we can set it to this one thing kind of like a garage door opener so like it's set to this door okay that way we can't just use it to go open anything that's a fun balance i like that yeah but i still like the idea that we can use the open trunk

And the alarm button is your alarm. Oh, yeah, we should give it to Hale so that she can press the alarm button if they ever, like, break out. Yeah. And we can send the alarm. But, Matt, what if we come across a trunk? What? In one of our many adventures that we go on, the podcast Dungeons and Daddies. What if you meet an elephant? Oh, I thought we were... Ah!

I thought we were saying it was bounce, but it could only be used for this one door that we're setting. Yeah, but this door isn't a trunk. It doesn't have an alarm. The unlock thing can be just attuned to this door, but I like that idea that it's attuned. Every single button has to be attuned to one thing. You can bond it with one trunk. Okay. Which is how most trunk buttons work. Which is exactly how it works, in fact, yes. We want to use the frequency operated button to beep,

Lock the door. Okay, yeah. It makes that noise. Beep, beep. And you hear the bolt slam shut in the door and then pounding on it from Grant going, God, that's exactly what I thought you were going to do. Damn it. Yeah. Welcome to lying town, mister. You did the same thing to me. So like, there you go. Link, you have to open up this door. I'm going to be very angry. There's a good chance that Willie might kill me or that I might kill him if we're in here together. And Willie goes, yeah, man, I might kill him. I'm trying not to, but like, no promises. Hey, get your ears. Get up here.

Can you hear me? I mean, we can never not hear you. You're shouting. Yeah. Okay. Well, okay. Well, okay. Well, inside the locked door. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Big words for people who came and touched me, buddy. Hey, how you like it in there? Tell you what? Tell you what?

you two aren't gonna kill each other because if one of you kills the other one you ain't never getting out of here never we're never letting you out so you two all of you stay in here and you talk to each other you figure out your your shit you figure it out because us four i mean we haven't done a great job but we're trying like we gotta figure this out and you guys are making it hard and by the way uncle ark we're not gonna kill the duther so suck my face i mean don't do that that's weird but whoa whoa what do you mean you're gonna kill the duther what the fuck it's just a sad teenager man we gotta help

What the hell did you learn? You idiot. Oh, God damn it. Fuck. This is on you, Sparrow, for being too nice. That's not on me. He has a big heart and he's using his heart instead of his head, but you'll come around. You'll come around, but we can't. We got to destroy this thing, my sweet child, but I give you the grace and the time to figure that out on your own. Well, that's condescending, but nice. That's kind of my thing. I'm a little less angry at you, but look, we're just...

You guys are in there. We're out here. We're on the adventure now. We're not listening to any more of your advice. This is our big teenage rebellion moment. You're going to deal with it. I'm going to go tell dad that you're fine. You're on a work trip. And you stay in there and you think about, because I'm mad at you. And it's cathartic that I don't have to see your face when I tell you I am disappointed. Willie says, if you don't let me out, I'm going to use the other freeze on Grant.

I mean... And no one will ever get unfrozen and all of your dads will be frozen forever. I mean, then you're going to be in this room forever, dude. Yeah. I'll find a way out. All I have to do is rest and get more spell slots. We'll find a way to unfreeze them. Yeah, you might. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. You stay in there. We'll figure it out. No, you got me there. Okay. I'll think about it. I mean, don't... He's not going to kill my dad, right? Do you want to, like... Should we get Grant Hauser? All I'm saying is... I mean, what's the big deal if he does? Oh, I mean, that would be the worst thing ever. It's scary, and I think you have a lot to think about if that's your reaction to one of your friend's dad's dying. Ha ha ha!

I do think that if he was going to kill these dads, he would have done it right away when we weren't here. It would have been way easier. Yeah, if he's as bad as they say, then he would have easily killed them and overpowered them like, you know, weeks ago. Maybe we do a little bit of parenting ourselves, a little bit of reverse psychology. Try this on the first highest guys. Let me try this.

Hey, dads, you guys are right. You know what? You're in charge. You guys are the managers. So you stay here behind your desk doing your desk job. And us little workers will go out and solve things and fix things. And we'll come back and report to you. You big dads. You four are in charge. You two just stay at the office. Mayhill will bring you drinks and food, anything you want. And we're just doing whatever you say. So give us a mission. And we'll go out and we do it. And I wink at the other three. Okay, so Terry says, your first mission is to unfreeze us and let us out of this room.

Got it. We'll figure it out. We're going to go and find a solution. Oh, no, the door got jammed. The door got jammed. It's not working. Everybody roll deception. You two roll deception. Taylor and Link, roll deception. You want to fight a 16 plus 3 19 motherfucker? Oh, that's what Taylor. You know what it is? After all this time, Taylor's learning how to lie. Taking that little bit after his old man. He's a real old man. He's inching closer to the wrong room, motherfucker.

I got a 19. Wow, two 19s! Without a plus, naturally. Double 19s, dude! So Sparrow's like, see, you just have to give them the respect and the space they need, and then they come around. See, you catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar, Lark. And Lark's like, shut the fuck up about honey and vinegar. I'm so fucking sick of that metaphor. Jesus. Grant and Willie just bust it down. Also, Dad, honey isn't vegan, so you shouldn't be using it to catch flies. And you shouldn't be trying to catch flies anyway, because we're not about that.

I know, but it's a good metaphor. I can't think of a vegan friend. You plant less trees with piss than with seeds. You know what? That's not bad. They both come from the same hole. You know what? I'm learning so much from you today, Normal. Grant's like, okay, well, I'll put my shoulder into this thing. God. All right, Willie, on the count of three, we're going to shoulder this thing down, you piece of shit. If you try anything, I'm going to fucking annoy you. I'm going to fucking kill you. All right. One, two, three, and they...

slam their shoulders against the door and it shutters one two three and they just do it again and it shutters a little bit more what's so scary i just don't think they're gonna get out yeah hopefully not here's meanwhile you see taylor like shoving a chair it's just like a a line of chairs like like a domino of chairs just because you see that you ever try shoving a chair into a door yeah but my doors open the wrong direction like big lebowski so it never worked

Oh, wow. I have another idea. Get a little farther away from the door so they can't hear. Okay. Okay. Okay. I don't want my dad to die or any of Willie. I don't want anybody to die right now, even Willie.

we gotta give them something to do. So normal. They don't know what you saw. We just need to give them some sort of like impossible puzzle that all they'll figure out. Like some sort of equation or something you saw in that dude that'd be like, hey, help us out with this. And that will stop them from killing each other because they're all going to work their own way. Did someone say, and he turns around.

And he's wearing a bowler with a question mark on it. Riddle? Yeah, Hermie, you're super smart at coming up with this kind of stuff. Like, we just need, like, kind of a brain teaser to really just make them think. Like, just get them chasing their own tails in there a little bit. You know what I mean? Yeah, normal will say, like, oh, like, in the vortex of the doodler, I saw, like, these numbers, and they made an equation to me, and I think that's the key. And, like, they'll work really hard to figure it out, right? Yeah. I have the perfect riddle. Worry not. And he leans up against the door, and he goes...

I fly through the air, I crunch in your mouth, and I keep a little baby pig warm. What is it? Oh, so just for context, guys, the reason he told you that- That was the reason I had. The doodler asked me that, and he said, if you know that, you'll know how to defeat me. So figure that out. Go ahead and roll Deception. I have 19.

Jesus. Wow. It's so much easier to lie when your parents don't have to look at them. Yeah. So, yeah, they say it was like, wait, you found out that. Okay. So we, we just have to get inside the doodler's head and like confuse him with a riddle. Oh, he's like a computer where like we can do a paradox to him or something and that'll short him out. Oh, good job. Wow. He found another way. Lark, is that what you saw inside the doodler's mind? Lark's like, that's not what I saw, but like, I guess, I guess it's possible. I know. I think he wants you to figure that riddle out. Although maybe it's open to interpretation. Maybe the riddle itself is a riddle.

Anyway, we need all you guys to figure that out while we go do the thing you said for us to do. To find a way to open the door that we just locked. The what? To find the thing, the door that jammed. We're going to fix it. Okay. Grant goes like, all right, well, we'll be working on that riddle in here, I guess. And Lily's like, fucking pig skin.

Fucking hate riddles. But yeah, they seem to be mulling over that. Okay, so now what? Their minds are occupied. We gotta go bust these anchors out and free the doodler. Their bodies are occupied. Yes, we're free to... Whoa.

Do you understand that this is complete under-supervised time for us as teenagers? Yeah, we were standing right next to Miss Haley. Don't you understand that there's no adults around for us anymore? There's actually no supervision. It's up to us. Nobody to get in our way. I mean... Nobody to, like, say, mm, that's not a good idea, or, like... We do whatever we want. There's so many things I want to see if they set on fire. That's not a good idea. Yeah, no, we're... I got these Strike Anywhere matches, and I always wondered, is it really anywhere? No!

Taylor, focus. Focus, Taylor. Normal searches within himself to see if he can find the location of the first doodler anchor on this plane. Normal, give me an arcana roll to see if you can follow that vibe inside of you. Follow your butt, dude. I got it.

Okay, so you know generally where it is, which is Teen High, but you don't know specifically where it is within Teen High. This is why I hate that we have a campus that's 20,000 acres. Teen High is in peril. We must delight on our journey. Make haste. We gotta go back to school. Do we know where the anchor's gonna be? It's just gonna be like... Oh, hopefully we'll figure it out. Oh no, we're gonna figure it out when we get there.

out when we get there. Look, Teen Eye's in danger. That's where the anchor is. That means the doodler's connected to that place. Okay. Doodler. You want me to call an Uber? Should we say doodlers? They're almost already running. Oh, doodlers! I run after normal. The pussy wagon is waiting for you in the parking lot. Yeah, exactly. With the vehicle here? They just run away, me and Scare. Scare, you want a ride? Yeah, let's do it. Hey, Hermie, we're gonna all just take a ride in the thing. Okay, well, I'm gonna stay here and melt their brains with a few more...

Anytime they get close, add another riddle. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I will keep their minds occupied and their knowledge of your whereabouts in shadow. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my character's following me out of the game. Oh, no. So you run back into the cat bus who then bounds up the dungeon and through the stairwell past the psychic whale and back on the street. And then you head back to Teen High. They had just like the end of The Lord of the Rings, which...

We march in having changed, having gone through war. We walk straight into Sonics. No problems whatsoever. No fake ID needed. We walk straight up with the fucking eyes of people who have gone through war. We say, I'll take a double ding-a-ling-dong. Thank you very much. The barkeep is like washing a glass, looks as we walk in and just nods, bro. He's like, can I see an eye?

And then when he realizes the only ID he needs is the far off distant look in your eyes. And he fucking slides a ding-a-ling dog across the fucking... And we're looking around and we're like, everyone else is just fucking smiling, taking selfies with a naked Sonic. And we just look at each other, just like...

You know? She has a lot since we've been here. The guy realizes there's still the picture that's like, do not let these people in. These are the guys who came in and rammed a car into the front of the fucking thing. Like literally a week ago. Yeah, it was not very long ago. I'm calling the cops. And he picks up the phone. You see that happening blurrily in the background, but meanwhile, Lincoln and I are just like,

You know, maybe we changed, you know? At least we got food. So you head to Teen High and the second you get to the Teen High parking lot normal, you feel the specificity of that emotion attached to that anchor starts to pull at you. You feel the fear of loneliness. You feel the fear of being left alone and it pulls on your chest like somebody grabbing you by the shirt and just yanking you along. And you feel yourself getting pulled into the faculty office and you feel yourself getting pulled

to one particular door, and you know that on the other side of the door, the anchor is there. Guys, I think whatever we're here to face, I'm amazed that they let us into the faculty room. Like, we're going to get in so much trouble if they find out we're in here, but I do feel like whatever we're about to square off against is on the other side of this door. So I know things have been weird. I know that...

The two weeks that I thought was going to be a fun bonding experience didn't really go that well. And so I'm just saying right now, when we start over, there's a fresh chance for us all to work together and face whatever's on the other side of this thing together. Does that sound good? In that moment, the door busts open and you see inside all the faculty are in there for a faculty meeting, which is why they allowed you in the room. And the door is busted open because this is the principal's office and Tony Pepperoni is holding the door. He goes, what the hell is wrong with you guys? Why are you talking outside? And normal in that moment, you feel that the anchor is Anthony Pepperoni. Whoa!

We got killed Tony pepperoni. Oh no, that's a spicy meat to bowl. We got it.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself. Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashton Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reach provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

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We gotta pick ourselves today. No, not today. Before tomorrow makes me can't change. Not today. No, not today. Don't need your sorrow. Not tomorrow. And in that moment, we cut to future Patreon content. That will be a self-contained, what did the teens play? Dungeons and Dragons. I don't think it's going to be good. Really?