S2 Ep. 22 - Army of Tree
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This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid.

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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Ham. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh, wait, this isn't about anime? It's just animation? Animation overall. It's all kinds of stuff.

Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. It's so hot. Flames everywhere. Where the heck am I? The last thing I remember was being shot. Wait, not being shot. Being shot out of a gun by me? Why would I shoot myself out of a gun? And why was I naked? Why am I still naked?

Anyway, back to the "where the heck am I" thing. Let's see... I can hear Christmas music, and I see this cool-looking demon looking at me. I feel a connection to him. Is he... my dad? Still though, what the heck am I? Does my mouth work? Can I talk? Hold up, that doesn't seem normal. I feel kind of... dissolving. It seems like my whole body is that way. Uh-huh.

I think I get it. Is this really possible? Can it be that my totally cloned, hot and muscular dude-bot is now turning into a pile of miscellaneous flesh? Yeah, right. There's no way I'd be that chill about it! But I can't deny it either. Human I am not. No doubt. It appears I was cloned, shot out of a gun, rescued by my demon dad, teleported to hell and reincarnated as a weeb's fingernails.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. What is it, Ben? It's a D&D podcast. Beth, I'm so glad you asked. It's a story about four teens from our world who have been sent back to our world to save our world from the shit that their grandparents did, just like real life. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift.

The injured teen. No, Freddie Wong is injured. Taylor Swift is not. Taylor's a cool ranger. Freddie, I'd cast heel wounds on you if I could. Damn. We have, if this was a sports team, there are two injuries being represented here. One is myself. I threw my back out earlier this week. While having sex with my mom. Nice. And I broke my giant car.

This week's Taylor fact, Taylor, the ranger anime loving teen of the group. I thought I would kind of get into a little bit of his combat prowess, the kind of training he does. Cause I injured myself physically training and like, has Taylor ever injured himself physically training? No. This is wild. This was going to be my team fact. But go ahead, go ahead. Yeah, we can, we can, we can be on the same wavelength. Taylor's training regimen.

is he runs like every few months he'll be like better get the cardio going and he would like he'll go he'll get like maybe half a mile and be like whoo always remember to start slow and build up from there and then he never continues running it always is just like the occasional he thinks about running and then he does it for a little bit and then he's good uncanny that you described my exact

process of getting in shape for cross country season in high school. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Right. I vividly remember running one. I was like, I'm going to do a little run to lunch and then I'll run back home. And I ran to Quiznos and had a gigantic sub and then tried to run back home and it did not work out.

And then the other one, of course, is that you need to use strength to train as well. Taylor does as many push-ups as he can once every few months. Nice. Got to keep it in shape. That's how you keep in shape. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the protective paladin. The protective...

Okay, I like that gag now. Schooled at home soccer kid. Little fact about Lincoln. He absolutely hates, more than life itself, cats.

What? The musicals? It's the same reason that Margot and Grant didn't have another child. See, they got a cat when Lincoln was like four years old. This is great. He'll have a cat. But Lincoln very much treated that cat like a lot of four-year-olds do when there's another baby in the house. And he's like...

who the fuck is this little creature that's getting attention? And he was so cruel and so mean and so upset that this other creature got attention that pretty quickly they got rid of the cat and Grand Marker was like, we can't ever have another kid. Our kid is a serial killer. This kid is a serial killer. This kid is an only child, 100%. Between that and Daryl lighting cats' tails on fire in season one, the Wilson men got a real... Oh, that might be where it's from. But yeah, Lincoln was meant to be an only child. Can't even have a pet. Not even a goldfish. Anything that gives...

Not even goldfish? Grant and Marco might show love too. That's not him. Gets Lincoln pretty upset. Gets pretty worried. What about Grant and Marco's hobbies? As long as they do them outside of the view of Lincoln. As long as they don't have a shitty open relationship. Just don't tell me about it. Don't let me know. Will Marco's into model trains and shit? Is he into any? I mean, Lincoln's into those too then. Wow. They're very codependent. That sounds toxic. Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normally Oak Swallows Garcia, a mixed-up mascot kid who's still finding himself in this wacky world of ours that's our world but their world, the dark world. And aren't we all, though? Damn. And aren't we all, though? My normal fact this week, I'm going to keep it simple. Normal is not a morning person. You would think normal loves getting up and starting the day in a cheery way. Yeah, because he's a peppy teen. You've got to, like, get him out of bed with a crowbar in the morning. He really does.

Oh my God. Really does not become himself until 11 o'clock in the morning. I feel that. Is he a coffee drinker? Like a coffee drinker? Do you start drinking coffee at like the age of 10? I'll tell you right now that, well, if I may. Yes. I bet you he doesn't drink coffee, but he drinks like, have you seen these like mushroom fungi based? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's what I'm saying. That's what that is. I was just going to make an easier joke and say he doesn't drink coffee, he drinks covfefe. Yes. Bro.

It comes back around 30 years later. I'm bringing the covfefe jokes back today, so watch out. I love a good covfefe joke. And hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks.

Fun teen fact about Scary this week is that despite being a star soccer player, she has never been injured playing, though she wishes she had for obviously the attention. I remember in elementary school being jealous when my friends had a cast that everyone got to sign and draw on. Can I take this moment on our podcast, our beloved podcast?

internationally syndicated podcast to roast my brother for something he did in high school along these lines. Please do. So we were in track and field. My parents were like, you guys need to exercise and need to participate in activities. You can't just come home and play video games. So I was in track and field. We were in track and field. And then Jimmy got the galaxy brain move. We were doing high skips as warmups. And then he was just like, oh, ah, oh, ah.

I twisted my ankle. And then for the rest of the entire season, because we were like, we were like, Beth heals in like a few weeks. You'll be okay. No, not for the entire rest of the season. Jimmy would then post up at the library while we were running laps and doing like planks. And he would just like hang out with the girls in the library and play SNES emulators. He would literally have Z-snaps

on his computer. He was just playing Chrono Trigger while hitting on girls. He's smarter. On The Bachelor, there's always like a date where The Bachelor is like, I'm getting the boys to play football. I can't wait to see them be all tough and sweaty. And then the boys are playing football or whatever and then one of them gets injured and it's just him and The Bachelor hanging outside and then all the other men are just like,

he's not even hurt. I fucking know. Now he's got all his extra time. It's just Jimmy. It's a great move. Like, why would you win the football game? Why do a thing you hate? Yeah. I thought that by getting injured, I wouldn't have to record. But here I am.

Here you are, Beth. Sorry, guys. I blew out my funny bone. Can't get it out. My name's Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. So my dad fact is... So I know somebody... I know somebody who volunteers for like teen crisis hotlines, Trevor Project. And I was like, hey, what's something that I wouldn't expect about that? And they go...

having a list of anime ready. I was like, sorry. And they were like, well, one of the things you do for harm reduction is like, hey, when you're feeling X way, what's Y thing that you can do that calms yourself down? And there is a higher than you might suspect ratio of people who, when they call in, go like, oh, I watch anime or whatever. And then inevitably they will ask like, well, what anime should I watch? And so you need the fucking-

The fucking new shit. The fucking top tier. Dude, you're telling me I should start volunteering for this? Yeah. I mean, you can do it from home. Does that mean anime makes you vulnerable? No, anime keeps you strong. Anime lifts you up when the world beats you down. Okay. Anime is the powerful salve that modern society has created for all of our brains. Thank you, Japan. Thanks, Japan. Thank you, Hayao Miyazaki, for your service to humanity.

When we last left you, you'd gone to see Aaron O'Neill and the trees in the undergrove. Grant had gone there with the intention of pretending to negotiate with Aaron, but in reality stealing their son so he could use it as part of a plot. Wait, stealing their kid? Stealing the S-U-N from them. Will looked me dead in the eye when he said that. He was never confused.

Dear listener, he knew exactly what he was doing. Well, when he says a joke, he acts kind of like a dog. Like, what are you doing? He's like, just go fuck yourself, man. Just straight eye contact. Like, I need recognition from at least one other person on the podcast if I do something funny. Aw, you're a good boy, Will. We have to edit out the sound of his tail thumping against the chair. Ha ha ha!

This is a more contrast to me, Will, which is that I think I have the most number of jokes that I quietly deliver to myself. And I myself only is the person who finds it funny, including out of everyone in the entire. That's why you're literally the happiest person I know. You don't need validation. So, yeah, you decided to kind of side with Grant and you snatched the son using the gratin gum that Grant brought in. I would say that we were like.

We're moving in the moment. Sure. Yeah, maybe it's not a decision. Maybe it's just something you do. I think normal was like, I agree with Grant. It's a real, I'm not going to kill you, but I don't have to save you, Rizzo. So you are definitely making a decision that has very clear consequences. That's what you're telling me. You are murdering someone. And you basically started to run out of the undergrove. At that moment, a very large treant crawled up out of the ground, the widest treant you've ever seen, crawled up out of the ground in front of you, and I think it is time to roll initiative. Yo!

- Oh! - Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun, - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

If the sun's not in the box, then that means whoever's holding onto the sun is going to take some damage every turn because it's hot. And then also it included a handheld flamethrower that is basically a super soaker with a lighter on the end. Sort of obviated by having the sun on the end of a gun. Well, I mean, it's the sun, except it's not burning you every single turn you hold it. Did we get the flamethrower back?

I got it back from her, right? Yes. All the cards are in your favor right now. Okay. Shit, yeah. Let's roll initiative. Yes, everyone please roll initiative. Except I'm out of spell slots. Oh, that's right. Oh, no. Our most powerful caster's out of spell slots entirely. And you're all level four and five? Five. We're all level five except for Beth who's level nine. Thirteen. Thirteen.

Two plus one, three. I got a one plus two, three. Holy shit. Okay. Army of two. Army of two, baby. Why do we keep referencing Army of two? What a go. Okay. Let's talk about a sequel that's not as good as the original. Fucking sequel of Army of two sucked. The first one was so good. They got rid of the fist pounding and shit. Yeah, I didn't like Army of three. No. Beth, what'd you roll? I rolled a 15 plus two, 17. Okay. You know what they say, two's in Army of three's a crowd, am I right? Yeah.

Why do you have to be like this? I love this. You know why? It's because someone's got to keep them Google search results for Army of Two trending. You know what I mean? There are a lot of devs who hated working on that game who were like, thanks, guys. Thanks for keeping that in the zeitgeist. Thanks so much. We say it enough. Some interns are going to be like, there's been a lot of search results for Army of Two. I guess we should make another one. A lot of people going as Tyson Rios and Elliot Salem. Did you just Google their names? Yeah.

for Halloween. Oh, God. So, uh, Gary, it is your turn first in the initiative. Sorry, hold on. I just realized, I just Googled it. The two guys later left SSC to form their own private military firm called T.W.O. Tactical World. No way! Oh,

All right. That's okay. We can't do this anymore. Enough army of two lore. An obscure video game. There's a big tree in front of us. There's a lot of trees behind us that aren't as big. Yes, that are chasing you down. Aaron is also chasing you down. So basically imagine this like a football field, right? You're at your end zone. At the other end, the end zone is the exit out of the underground. American football everybody.

hand egg in the middle of the field is a very wide treant that you're gonna have to work to get around and then behind you I guess in the bleachers running down the bleachers Anthony Anthony you did this so poorly you could have made you in the halfway point you could you could have done anything you're gonna put them in the bleachers you have a hundred yards to work with like is that not enough for

No, you start in your own end zone. I get it. I get it. It was a really good. It was a really good punt from the other team and you just kneeled. So I guess you'd be on the 15 yard line. Fair catch. 20 yard line. 20 yard line. Yeah. Okay. Okay. A quick glance over his shoulder and Taylor uses his mathematical skills to determine how long.

How many turns before these ones behind us catch up with us? Well, they are going to probably sprint and use their whole action to catch up to you. They're going to jump over the bleachers after. If you're going to not sprint. Where's the ref? There is no ref. Where's the guy with the big circle on the chain? Flag dad, yeah. Flag dad. Assuming they sprint and assuming you do a move and an action, they will be on you in a turn. Not a turn. Okay, so they're like right hot on your heels. Hot on your heels. And Bethy of the box.

I have the box. And it's your turn. And it's my turn. Okay, I have no spell slots left, except there are some things that are showing up under spells that I can still use. Probably, yeah. Okay. You can use cantrips, I believe. Yes. I think we should treat this like a football game. There you go. A soccer game, though. So I'm going to cast non-detection on the sun itself.

So that the sun can't be perceived through any magical scrying sensors or divination magic. Okay. And then I'm holding the box. Okay.

I'll drop this. Yeah, I'll be like, normal. Drop the sun. Trust me, buddy. Okay, you got it. And I press the release button on the grapnel gun, I guess, and it drops down towards my feet, I suppose. It just immediately starts singeing the meat ground in front of it. And then I do a one-touch beautiful through ball to...

Link, who is ahead of me. That's a pass or something in soccer? That's a pass. Should I roll to see if I get it? Well, first, Scary, roll a d8 of damage as you kick the white hot burning sun. Finally, an injury. You just lose your legs. Hermes is like, well, well, well. She's burned off the other foot. She's become the old man in Volcano. Oh my god.

A one. So not even a cool injury. Oh, no. Yeah, it singes the front of your shoe, but it doesn't even hurt that bad. Oh, that's good. All right, so why don't you roll acrobatics, whatever you like, Link. Link is like way ahead of everybody, right? Yes, Link. The moment that Scary's foot touches the ball, a tree in the side raises one arm. I get it. It's offside. That's offside. Okay. All right, Matt, me and Matt. Passable joke. That's...

I think it's a good joke. If I knew more about soccer, it would have been really funny. I got a 20. Wow. All right. So without even looking, I don't look back for the past knowing, just trusting scary skill. I know exactly. You know that scary's back in the game. She's beginning to believe. Yep. I do that cool rainbow and I freaking kick the ball from behind and it comes up over my head and then lands in front of me.

Nice. And I'm dribbling now with my flamethrower reached out in front of me as well. Take a D8 of damage, please. Every dribble? Yeah, every turn that it's not inside the projected box. Is the grass wet anywhere? No, there's no grass. It's all meat. Is the meat wet? Yeah. I feel like my shoes are pretty wet, you know? So it's like, if you dip your finger in water, you literally dip it. You're like touching a hot iron after you lick your finger or whatever? Yeah, you can literally dip your finger into like molten metal. You're kicking the sun.

Yeah. Yeah, but the sun is still subject to the Leidenfrost effect. Looks like a Mythbusters. All I'm just saying is that Mythbusters, they dip their finger in water and then dip it in molten iron and it's okay. Really? Yeah. The Leidenfrost effect is a physical phenomenon which a liquid close to a surface that's significantly hotter than the liquid's boiling point produces an insulating vapor layer that keeps the liquid from boiling rapidly.

But are you submerging your feet in this wet meat? I'm just thinking ahead. I'm not dead yet. I'm just trying to think of how. I don't mind it. You know what? Yeah, fuck it. You get your health back, Beth. Because your feet are wet. As long as you're in this wet, wet meat world that I have built for you. Woo!

You can kick the sun freely without penalty. And I think specifically if you like hold on to it or if you're like juggling any dry part of your body, yes, it should do damage. If you're playing hot potato with your shoes. God help you if you do a header on this thing. Yeah, exactly. But the Leidenfrost effect helps you. Okay, great. One other thing it says on Wikipedia is Army of Two Dirty Money written by John May Reburn illustrated by Brandon McKinney is a 2008 graphic novel which follows Rio's Salem through some of their early smitchens together. It's a prequel.

I don't want to meet the person who bought the Army of Two tie-in graphic novel. Hi, Anthony. Nice to meet you. All right. It is. Wait, sorry. One more thing. Rios and Salem. Didn't you say we needed to finish recording? Rios and Salem work together as an army of two. You're trying to stay alive. Do they have to? Wait. Do you have four and a half stars on? That's true. I promise if we ever get to make an Army of Two movie, fucking Stonenberg's roommates can be able to say, there it is.

it is. I didn't fucking say that name so many times. So you guys are like some sort of RBA 2 or something. Bad news, Matt. In 2008, there was a report that Universal Pictures was picking up the rights to the film The Game and hired Michael Mann to write the script and direct. That would have been a good movie. I mean, that just would have been Miami Vice again, I guess. RBA 2 Volume 1, the saddest sentence ever written on Amazon. Book 1 of 1. Laughter

Fuck him. That whole game's pro Blackwater. Fuck him. Okay, that was your turn. You've successfully kicked the sun over to Link. It is magically hidden, but because the sun's rays are still visible, the trees can feel the sun's rays on their heart. That's like the one thing they care about. Yeah, it's kind of the thing they grow toward. Damn.

Okay, so it is now Aaron's turn. Aaron is going to cast a spell to buff her trees. More than they already are? Waste of time. Okay, well, she got a natural one on that spell. Oh, does it debuff them? No, it doesn't debuff them. It just means the buff isn't that strong. So they just have a little bit higher... They're otter mode still. God, okay.

They just have a little bit higher HP now. They have some temporary hit points. And she's gonna go, get the son back! You guys are dicks! Ah, dick kids! And then the dick children, y'all, you're the worst! The dick kids don't fall far from the dick tree! Yeah, the dick doesn't fall far from the dick tree! The balls don't fall far from the dick feels like it would've been the way to go with that. Oh my god, Will, are you gonna just fucking note me to death here? What kind of tree makes notes, Will? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

A willow tree. Wow. Don't blow.

Link, it is your turn. I'm kicking him. You're basically alone at the front of the pack heading directly towards this very wide treant. Okay, okay. And where's Grant? Grant is probably just behind you. You're a little bit behind him. I'm about to kick it into the mouth of this treant, dude. I want to activate my flamethrower. I'm not going to lose the sun yet. Yeah, I'm just going to scream. Turn on the flame. Like the Simpsons moment when Bart and Lisa are swinging their fists and kicking and they're like, if you're in my way, it's your fault. I just say, I'm turning on the flame. I'm running straight ahead. If you're in the way, that's on you.

That's on you, buddy. It's not my fault. And I just fucking hold down the button on the flamethrower and I run straight for the tree. Okay, great. So it's got vulnerability. It's really turning a brick in that with my voice there. I don't want to turn this into a physics podcast, but like, I'm just thinking about this. I know I have the same question. The fire would go right back into his face because he's running.

No, can you? The flamethrower blasts like super, like if you run with a super soaker, you don't spray yourself. What fucking physics? Have you ever ran fast enough that you can't shoot a super soaker? Oh, here we go. Here we go. Flamethrower, enemy, army of two wiki. The flame super heavy is beneath that. Why don't you roll intimidation? Oh, because to see if he moves even before he gets hurt? Correct. Love that. I got it. I thought it was a one. It's a seven though.

Okay. So he rolled a 14. So the treant instead digs its rooted heels in and just leans forward. Maybe this is a good thing, though. Yeah, I can burn, dude. You're going to go ahead and keep running, and your flames are going to hit him. So go ahead and roll. Usually, I would say it's a 2d8, but because trees are vulnerable, it's going to be 4d8. Only you can prevent forest fires. Oh, yeah. 23 damage. Wow. Whoa. Wow. That's an 8555. Wow. That sounds fake. I mean, it's 555, don't be a joke. Oh.

So he knows a good joke is that I had to explain it. Yeah. Stick to your army of two humor. Damn. Will's really just. Your army of two murals.

Tumor. A jet of this flame just hits it directly in the fucking face and it starts spreading across. It's got a little like fucking Pocahontas face in the wood kind of thing. Oh no. Like the Deku Tree? Yeah, the Deku Tree. Yes, thank you. Less problematic. You hit it right in its Deku Tree face and the fire starts to spread and you hear the creaking of wood beneath it, which seems to be kind of its equivalent of a scream.

Like a lobster is not really screaming. It's just the air escaping the branches. As a link's telling himself. It's not feeling pain. It's just... It definitely feels pain. They feel pain. The treant is going to go next. Despite what Nirvana is telling you. The treant is going to go next. It has its turn. So it is going to use its slam attack on Link. Oh, that's illegal. Yellow card. It's 23. Yellow card. So that is going to hit you, I assume. Oh, yeah. From my DC? Yeah. So it's going to do 3d6 plus 6 bludgeoning damage. Whoa, wait.

Do you have anything to make it hurt me less? I'm sure I do. I'm a paladin. Probably. Let's just see how much damage it does and then I'll decide if I die or not. Decide if you agree with me or not.

12 damage. Okay. I mean, yeah, that hurts, obviously. I'm alive. I'll allow it. You don't fucking use those healing spells right away. So it hits you and sort of knocks you to the side. You keep your momentum going, though, so you're not going to have to, like, you know. All you need is that, like, pain spray that they bring out. Yeah, there you go. Actually, you know what? Roll athletics to see if you keep your hold on the sun. Hmm.

It's a 10. Okay, so now roll a D6 and we'll see who it goes to. That's fun. Taylor's one, Normal's two, Scary's three, Hermia's four, Grant is five, and six goes to the trees. Oh. Wow. That's straight up Blood Bowl mechanic. Oh, yeah. Roll a D6 and fumble. That's where it goes to.

Three. Okay, so it goes to scary. Hell yeah. Just passed it right back to her. Give and go. Here's what I think happened. I think you failed your athletics check. So getting slightly injured by another player, your instincts kick in and you drop to the ground. You're trying to fish that card.

I want to be clear. Link absolutely fucking milks every single fall for as much as worth. He's a good soccer player. He knows that playing the ref is part of the game. Part of the game. You might not like it. He's good at it. You might not like it. That's fair. But it's part of the game. Scary, what are you going to do upon getting the rock, so to speak? I'm asking because the Treant has multi-attack, so it's got another slam attack coming.

Damn. I think I got to keep moving. I think I do a really cool like scissors trick. You know, scissors is a sexual thing. Yes. But in soccer, it's something else. It's already called the scissors trick. That's only a sex thing, Beth. Okay.

Okay. A scissor kick? Oh, wait. A step over, a.k.a. scissor. Okay. And then is continuing to run with the ball. So you'll be running towards the tree and so we'll be able to attack you. Okay. Well, if that's fine, then okay. If it's going to attack anybody, it should be you. Well. All right. So that is a 16 to hit your AC. It does. All right. So it is going to do...

3d6 plus 6 damage to you which is going to be 18 damage okay in reaction I'm going to do protection while wielding a shield machine guards and a creature you can see attacks a target other than you within 5 feet I'm assuming she's within 5 feet of me because we're passing the back and forth

Impose disadvantage to the attack roll. Wow, to the attack roll? Yeah, to the attack roll. Okay, so I just gotta try again. Just so you know, it's got a plus 10 to hit. Oh, shit. So 14, does that beat your AC? Yes. Damn. So still the 18 damage then. So now roll athletics to see if you keep your hold on the sun. Oh, nine. All right, go ahead and give me a D6 roll. One. Okay, so it goes to Taylor. The moment it arrives at Taylor, Taylor does the move which got him kicked out the soccer team, which is just booted away immediately. What? Oh, God.

You guys ever, you ever time out? Yeah, but you're booting it forward, I guess. You're booting it forward. Towards the tree. That's fair. Everybody, I feel like everybody is the kids in playing defense growing up. Yeah. The kids who play defense had one move. Yeah, get that ball away from you. Get as far away from me as possible until it goes, ha, ha.

When I was a tot playing soccer, my first goal was I booted it ahead of me straight to the feet of a defender. Oh, tot. I thought you said thot. No, I was never a thot playing soccer. I was probably like four or five. Okay, okay. And the defender turns around and scores an own goal. And I remember thinking, you fucking 80.

and then cheering like I scored, even though it was like a four-year-old who just like passed it backward to their goalie who missed. And I was like celebrating and I was like, man, I'm so cruel.

No, you earned that. That's an incredible first goal experience. You were the beginning of that series of consequences that resulted in a goal. Fuck those idiots. Hope they had bad lives. Okay. So you're basically kicking the ball kind of as hard as you can. So here's my question. I'm going to be giving it a kick as hard as I can, just toes. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. So it could go anywhere. It could go anywhere. And I feel like there should be a range where it would hit the tree end. Okay, give me a... So if like a 1 through 20 represents like a

Our one through six is 180. One is all the way to the left. Six is all the way to the right. And then it gets closer to the center, depending on what you roll. Well, I think you should also roll athletics to know if you can do it properly. Because you can just biff it. Okay, athletics. I go for a huge windup. 11. 11. 11 plus one, 12. 12. Okay, so that means it did okay. So you wanted it to hit the treant, right? The little chunk of grass goes farther than the ball. Yeah, exactly. Okay.

So it feels like you did it. You managed to kick it ahead and it's steak that I dig out of the ground, flops ahead of the ball. It kind of gets close to the Treant. The Treant's going to try to roll as a reaction to see if it can like kind of scoop it up. So it gets a two. So it doesn't. It tries to swipe for it and the ball, or the ball, the sun rolls through its legs like it's the Luke Skywalker fighting the Rancor. Damn. That's the only metaphor I can think of because I've never played sports. Nutmeg. It's just a soccer ball slowly rolls past the goalie. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. So now it is going to be Hermie the Unworthy's turn. He's like, what do you want me to do? Oh, can you put him back on the table, please? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Narrow the table.

There's our little guy. Hey, direct me, directors. You're part of the team. Get that ball down to the end zone or go score a goal. All right. Your character is Bend It Like Beckham. Yeah. Let me think of my original role, the titular character in Bend It Like Beckham. David Beckham. David Beckham. Yes, of course. No, he was Keira Knightley in Bend It Like Beckham. That was his first role. It was problematic. He was the Indian girl. He was Bend It.

He was the character named Bendit. Yeah. As Jack Bendit, he's going to run forward, which means he's going to take an opportunity attack from the tree ant. Bendit like Beckham is like, if the guy's name was Bendit, it's just a story about like a male on male crush. I love that. Oh, Bendit likes Beckham. Yeah. Bendit like Beckham. It's a genoman needs 10 lines.

A caveman love story. So he takes...

So Hermie runs forward to try to get the ball, which is on the other side of the treant. He's going to try to run through the legs just like the ball did. He takes an opportunity attack. Just like Luke Skywalker did. Just like Luke Skywalker did to the Rancor. Inbend it like Becca. Watch Hermie get fucking annihilated. He takes 18 damage. Oh, no. He gets whoop, and he fucking flies across the room and hits the wall to the side and just hits it and crumples and falls down. Hermie! We need the stretcher. Okay, so that was Hermie's turn. Whoops. And he goes...

OK, that was a failure of performance. Jack Bennett would have never. Link never actually seeing anybody ever get injured in soccer, assuming he's faking it.

Good job, Hermie. Milk it, Hermie. Milk it for all you can, buddy. All right, it is Taylor's turn. Okay, so Taylor is going to turn around. So I have a spell called Spike Growth. I'd like to kind of retcon it into be a little bit. Oh, yeah. So he's going to turn around. Be fully chipped. No. So Taylor's going to turn around. So this is what the spell is. Okay.

He's going to turn around thinking of a Sonics waiter. So this is what the spell does. The ground in a 20-foot radius is centered on a point within range. Twists and sprouts, hearts, spikes, and thorns. Area becomes difficult terrain for the duration. When a creature moves into or within the area, it takes 2d4 piercing damage for every 5 feet.

The transformation of the ground is camouflaged like natural. Any creature that can't see the area at the time of spell's cast will make a wisdom perception check against my spell save DC to recognize the trans hazardous before entering it. I think it's instead of like, you know, telling spikes to show up, I just have caltrops as my cantrip caltrops in my pocket. And I like kind of spray them out in an arc behind us to try and slow down our pursuers. Great. That makes a lot of sense. Anthony Birch, DM.

I have a question. Yes. I know him. Yes, Matt Arnold player. I remember that I have two attacks per action. Can I say I held my second attack? Or can we just... Because I want to flame the tree twice. Okay. Sure. Yeah, go for it. I feel like I should be able to attack twice since that's like my thing. No, I agree. Okay, so what do I got to roll again? So you basically ran straight towards... The reason there's a pause is because my flamethrower jammed for a moment. I was like, oh no, it's jammed. No, no, no. It's like a super sucker. You have to pump it back up. Yeah, pump it back up. So why don't you give me a d20 roll to see if you miss or not? Because I just allowed you to auto hit him the first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Natural 20. What? All right, so you get to do quadruple damage because that's double damage on top of vulnerability. So you're doing 8d8. Okay. So it's 2d8 multiplied by 2 because it was crit, multiplied by 2 again because it was vulnerability, which I'm sure is not what I'm probably supposed to be 68 or whatever, but whatever. 8d8. This is the biggest. 31. 31. So I did 23 and 31 together. All right, so you've done 54. I know I did a bad roll for this one. One turn doing 54 damage at level what? Okay.

So the tree opens its mouth as if to scream a human sounding scream, but it can't get anything out because fire goes in. And you can see the inside of it just beginning to bake a little bit. The fucking elves that live in there making cookies are just charred alive. What a reveal! Oh my goodness. Link's smiling with glee as he brings the stream. He sees little faces inside the tree and goes, what have I done? Yeah. Little flaming corpses just drop out of the front just trying to stop, drop, and roll. Oh no.

It is normal's turn. Normal seeing the whole team in action, seeing this football action, these kicks, these hits, these caltrops. He's like, yeah, yeah, we're doing it. We're playing a fricking sports game and this is a team and we're on the field. And you know what that means? It's time for some cheer. And I cast spirit guardians.

Fantastic. Which is a new spell I got. You call forth spirits to protect you. They flit around you to a distance of 15 feet for the duration. When you cast this spell, you can designate any number of creatures you see to be unaffected by it. An affected creature's speed is halved in the area, and when they're in there, they have to make a wisdom saving throw to avoid taking 3d8 radiant damage.

Wow. So basically, I'm going to summon a whole cheerleading troop of teeny the teens, and they're going to appear in human pyramid form, and I tell them, BE aggressive, and then I charge towards the big tree. That's awesome. Because I want to get hit by the 3d8 radiant damage.

That's fantastic. You're throwing spirit caltrops, essentially. Yeah, they're doing like a whole circular cheer routine around me in a 15-foot radius. That's great. That's very, very cool. Okay. The Pyramid of Teenie to the Teens appears around you. It's the tree's turn now. They are in hot pursuit. They try to walk over the caltrops. They're all going to take 2d4 damage. For every five feet, that's a 20-foot radius, dude. So that's four. So is it 16d4? Radius, though, you know what I'm saying? That's actually 40. Yeah.

So if we take the average of the speed, because it's a circular radius as it's going through, it's 2D4 for every 5 feet that they travel. They're doing 40 feet. No, they're not doing 40 feet. One is doing 40 feet straight through the diameter. There could be ones on the side, so we could average that out. Okay, sure. That's 20. They're taking 20 D4s? No, they're taking 4 times. 2D4 for every 5 feet, which is 4 times 2D4, which is 4 times 2D4. It's 2D4, it's 2D4, 4 times. So it's 8D4. Okay. Okay.

8d4. 8d4, great. I've gone into a deep hibernation hearing all these numbers. They all take 13 damage, which is pretty respectable. Did they get slowed or is it just the damage? Yes, it's difficult terrain for the damage. Difficult terrain, okay, great. I think it requires more of their move to get out. So they are coming at you like this fucking tidal wave of bark and leaf. The second they hit the spikes that you've put up, their roots just go straight through it and you could swear you hear the creaking wood crackling

just like yelp in pain and it's becomes really difficult for them to extricate their roots from the spikes that have impaled them and they're crawling over on their little tree branch hands and those are getting impaled to them like fuck fuck fuck and they're trying to climb over the roots are the weak points everybody one manages to get through but upon seeing the pyramid of weird looking big headed human teens just like kind of stops and just confusion is just a

and is trying to keep moving forward, but gets slowed even further. So you are, for right now, pretty much safe from your rear. Does he move into the radius of the cheerleading bobble-headed mascot boys? Because he has to take radiant damage if he does. Okay, yeah. So he, yeah, he does. Make a wisdom saving throw. All right. For the BMB. So it does pass the wisdom saving throw. Okay. So it's half 3d8 radiant damage.

10 damage. Whoa. So it feels like a bright flash of light explodes in its face with radiant damage in its tree-ish face. It's just the image of the confidence of Teeny the Teen's face, its smiling visage. These teeth are very white. Very white. They're polished to a gleam. Yes, perfect. So it's the thing of the smiling teen smiling at the same time makes it real backward in pain and damage. I like the idea that they all hang out their heads down and they're in the pyramid form and they all lift their heads at the same moment. That's great. But they're bobbleheads so they just keep shing, shing, shing, shing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fantastic. It's like walking into a fucking press junket, dude. Just all the flashbulbs going off from their teeth.

Yeah, Freddy would know what that's like. And they all start chanting teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth. Beth, it is your turn. It is Scary's turn. Okay. Does Erin O'Neil go through my field of difficulty? I think she's going to stop before she gets there. She's too smart for my tricks. Yeah. So who's in front of me? So in front of you is Lincoln. Hermes to the side, knocked to the ground. Normal is basically within melee range of the treants, so he's closer. Beth, do you have anything that's also like...

a ball do you have another ball hmm let me my plan is to pull a moana if you all remember the song i am a woman i don't think people understand what that reference is to mac can you just a song in moana where it ends with her screaming i am moana but a hundred percent sounds like i am a woman

Anyways, I was just thinking, Beth, since we're two soccer players right here, is I do have... I actually have to pee, so why don't you play in this one? Okay. What did you guys think about Borderlands 2? I have... I have the sacred weapons thing, which lets me make something glow, so we can get another ball and make it glow. The magic means they don't know which is which, and then we can kick it. We're like, fine, have the sun back, and then kick it far away. That's very good. Can we just get a ball of meat? Can you just scoop up a ball of meat?

of me oh that's what i'll cut it with my knife there you go yeah cut up all of me with a knife and then i'll glow it and you can boot it fine take the sun back okay anthony

So I have my Kellogg knife. You sure do. I sure do. Could I cut a ball of meat, please? Like from the ground. Like from the ground. Yeah, I can't see why not. About the size of the sun ball. About the size of a sun ball. Okay, I think in order to do that well, you probably want to roll sleight of hand. Maybe I will.

And 11 plus 2, that's... That's 13. That's 13, that's fine. It's a little bit oblong, but it is basically an orb that you cut out of the ground. And then... There's fucking strands of sinew. Try to keep their grasp on the meaty ground. You yank it out. I'm just gonna pass the meatball. Pass the meatball. Pass the meatball.

Pass the meatball. Pass the meatball. Hey, Link, here's one spicy meatball. I'm not going to make you roll because I don't know why that matters yet. Yes. Yes, Anthony. Right into our crap. You and me both, buddy. No, I'm okay. Yeah, and I guess that's the end of my... That sounds like your turn. I nod to Skerry knowing exactly what she's thinking somehow. All right. So it's Aaron's turn. Aaron is going to misty step.

And she's going to turn into mist and then sort of like waft herself over your caltrops and over your... I guess she probably would still take the radiant damage because they're magical. Wisdom saving throw as she passes through the... Oh, she failed. So she takes how much? 3d8. 3d8? See, that's because she grew up in the Forgotten Realms, unfamiliar with the mascots. 16. Right. This is a totally wild... Could you imagine if you never understood the concept of mascots and you go to a baseball game and fucking...

What is that thing? Like, what the fuck is going on? That's wild to think about it, dude. Yeah. Gritty isn't... He's just a big orange thing. You're trying to watch a game of baseball? Yeah.

Wait, Gritty's not baseball, is he? I thought he was hockey. Am I insane? No, he sees baseball, I believe. I think Gritty is hockey. The orange one is hockey. You might be thinking of the Philly Fanatic. The Philly Fanatic. So, you know, Gritty is hockey. You're thinking of the fucked up little freak, the Philly Fanatic, who's also fantastic. I do love the Philly Fanatic. Okay, so yes, the misty form of Aaron O'Neal floats through the pyramid of teens with things

Well, all the fucking smiles just like pinging her and confusing her and the stench. The stench somehow translates through the fucking magical spell. And she's going to take 18 damage.

And whoever smelt it dealt it. But she's going to end her turn right next to normal in the 30 feet that she has traveled. OK. And she's going to go, oh, shit's about to get real bad for you, kiddo. I prefer if it didn't. Just wait until my next turn comes around. Ding dong. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll run away. What do you think about that? You'll take an attack of opportunity. OK, well, we'll see if I do that or not. But I bet you're not going to hurt me that much. We'll see. We will see.

I'll be keeping my eye on you. I'll be keeping my eye on you. Yeah, well, we'll see how it goes. Your dad likes to get the last word, too. Yeah, well, you're old. Nice! Nice!

She takes a D6 of psychic damage. Link, everybody's doing like the hand in front of their mouth like, oh! She takes six damage from being told that she's old. From four teenagers mocking her. She's like, I'm still sensitive about that. I haven't learned to age gracefully even though I'm still super hot. So it is now Link's turn. First thing is like, Dad, what are you doing? You didn't have a turn last time. Oh shit, Brandon didn't have a turn. Dad, where are you, Dad?

Ray's like, I'm right behind you, son. I was holding my turn just in case something happened to you where I could protect you. All right, well, just, uh, I got it. You got hit. I should have done something to protect you. Well, just cause a distraction. Okay. Being scary. We, us teens, we got the idea. We're going to do it. So here we go. I'm going to do it now.

Then I'm going to cast on the meatball. Okay. With the, I feel like there's flames from the trees. There's a lot of light going around. I'm going to cast. There's flashbulbs going off everywhere. I'm going to cast fucking sacred weapon and make the meatball glowing. I'm going to say, all right,

just fine. God, we don't need the sun. We just want to go take the sun back. And I turn around, I kick the glowing meatball way back, like past, like as hard as I can, like behind everybody. Back into the bleachers, if you will. Okay. You roll deception. Okay. And I'll have them roll like wisdom or insight because they know the feeling of like vitamin D from the tree.

We have the other reasons because we have the whole spell that makes it so they can't tell which can divine it magically. But if the sun is out, which it currently is, it is projecting vitamin D rays and it can like feel those. So I'm not saying you can't do it. I'm saying they're going to be able to roll to see if I get advanced for deception with all the steps that we got here from fucking meatball glowing to fucking the spell that makes it harder to see which sun it is. And the fact there's flaming tree in front of all this. What I'll do is I won't give you disadvantage.

What a guy. Wow. Find yourself a DM that won't give you disadvantage. All right. 14. They rolled a 10. So you kick the glowing meatball back in the opposite direction and the trees that are just beginning to extricate themselves from the thorns go and like turn and look and they follow it with the tops of their trees. They don't have heads. And Scary's like, oh man, you lost the sun.

Yeah, we don't need it, right? And Aaron goes, you ding-dongs, no, no! But they were already chasing after it like a dog chasing after a ball. Oh, and she didn't fall for it? No, Aaron's smart. She's a math witch. Aaron's like, goddammit! As they all start chasing after the meat thing. And does the big tree stumble? Let me specially roll for the meat tree because he's right in front of you. He's on fire, so he definitely can't. He's on fire, yes. I will not give him any advantage or disadvantage. You got a natural 20.

Oh. So he knows exactly what you did. Because he sees one sunflower that doesn't turn around. So yeah, he is going to now actually take his turn unless you have more things you want to do on your turn. Because the sun is like right next to him. Yes, the sun is very close to him. Nobody's picked it up, right? It's just like next to him. It's rolled like past him. It's rolled past him. Sorry, really quick.

Trees don't need vitamin D, Matt. Don't say that to me. Why are you saying it to Matt? Because Matt said. Because Matt was like, he feels the... I'm saying they can feel the difference between sunlight and artificial light. I was just playing along with the world-building Anthony provided, which is how the sun feels. Trees don't need vitamin D. I'm so sorry. I didn't think I'd live to see the day where... I eat some salmon, so I don't...

How come that hasn't been playing out in terms of disadvantage? My dad fact from last episode, Anthony. Yeah, no, I didn't think I lived to see the day where Matt was going to be the person. Yes. Anding me. Okay. So the trance is going to take its turn. It's going to keep one root in the ground and really quickly pivot around like a basketball player to try to grab at the sun that is just passed between its legs and currently has nobody attached.

to it. A lot of mixed sports metaphors here. I'm liking it. This is like the most sports like episode we've ever seen. Should we change the title of the podcast to just sports? Sports. Sports. Dads in sports. Dads in sports. That's our next podcast. That's a podcast. That's a fucking podcast right there. Dads in sports. Holy shit, so relatable.

Okay, so the tree ant turns around and it's going to scoop up the sun in its hands and it's going to take a lot of damage for doing so. Yeah, it's already on fire. It's already on fire. It has the sun in its hands. It takes about 30 damage as a result. Is it bloodied? Yes, it is bloodied. What does a tree blood? I guess sappy. It is sappy. Sappy. It's just like saying a bunch of sad things.

It goes, I love you guys so much. It goes, this podcast really changed my life. Every week I get to spend time with my friends. But this happens miserably. And it sort of turns back to face Aaron and it makes a creaking noise.

And Aaron goes, don't worry! I'll cast the spell to make it go back up. You just hold onto it. Don't let these ding-dongs take it from you, my love, my sweet, my child. She told us her plan. Perfect. Now it's Hermie's turn. Hermie is in death saving throws. Oh no! Hermie succeeds his first death saving throw. That's great. But he's behind you, sort of near the trees than he is to the sun. Alright, seriously, Dad? You've been holding your turn for quite a while. One of my friends is dying. You can do something. Greg goes, I'll go get him. Don't worry. It's

It's my turn. And so Grant's going to run over and try to stabilize him. No. No. He can't be saved. It's no good. Grant became my favorite at the game. Sorry. Give him CPR when he's breathing. Sorry, son. So he rolled a natural one. So he goes, sorry, son. And he just starts running back to you. He's like, we gotta go. We just gotta go. There's no time.

Holds up a red card. Yeah, he puts a red card on his chest and he goes, I'll never forget you, whatever your name was. And he runs. Taylor, it's your turn. Taylor's going to be like, no, Hermie! And then Taylor's going to run over to Hermie because I think I'm lagging behind everyone so I can divert my path a little bit. Half this season is just us saving Hermie. Hermie is fucking painted never to be seen. Just fucking showing up, looking cool, and then getting his ass handed to him. Yeah,

Yeah, Payton never needed to be saved. We never needed to save him. You'll never remember Payton was around. Payton never rolled higher than like a six. You know what I'm saying? He wasn't as much of a liability as Hermia. Well, you never told Payton, hey, run towards that boss monster to distract him. That's true, actually. We were protective. Yeah, you liked Payton. We should have had Hermia play the third boss.

He just goes like Metroid mode. Taylor's going to try and get over to Hermie and pick up his best bud. Okay, make a strength check. What about the strength of friendship? No. Four plus one to five. So that's not going to do it. You're pinned under Hermie now. Yeah, yeah. Here's what it is. I pick Hermie up, and then I immediately slip on the meat ground, and then Hermie gets me in an arm bar, and I'm trying to tap. I'm like, ow, Hermie!

It's like when you lift up a motorcycle, you just tip over the other side of the motorcycle. So Hermes pinning you to the ground and he's going, don't worry about me. Just go. Just run. But he's the one keeping you down. He's like, no, no, no. Come on, Taylor. You can run. Don't worry about your old pal Hermes. Can I argue that was like a movement thing? I was trying to pick him up as I was going. Absolutely not. That was a movement in action. I can't cast a spell. What spell would you cast? I would cast darkness.

Now you're speaking my language. How fucking embarrassed you are. Well, we could at least like. Do you tip over? Do you tip over?

You tip over and you give it an awkward look and it just goes black. And then he suddenly has a shadow covering him. He's like, hear me out, hear me out, hear me out, hear me out. So you imagine if Taylor runs up and is like, I got you, Hermie, hold on. And then I slam a cool ninja smoke bomb down and it creates this orb of radius of darkness and then everyone's just watching it and you're waiting for me and Hermie to come stumbling out and then just nothing. Just standing there. And then we just see her bow. And then we just see her bow.

I feel like it's either going to be that or like a ghillie suit that you ordered on Amazon that you cover both of you with. I love you going in. It goes dark and it's quiet for a long time and we just start hearing you scream help. What could have possibly happened? How did you mess up in there?

Help! Help, guys! That's great. All right, it is normal's turn. Oh my god, we could have used that to hide the sun, too. Oh yeah, you could have. Hey, Matt. Hey, Matt. Hey, Matt. Here we are. Shut the fuck up. Me and Beth are coming up with fucking meat spheres glowing, and Freddie's like... You got nothing on our meat sphere, Freddie. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

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Normal sees this happen. And he's torn between trying to stop whatever Aaron is doing and saving his two best buds in the whole wide world. And he gives an exasperated sigh. And I cast preserve light, which allows me to restore 25 HP to any creature within 30 feet of me. Does it require visual? Yeah, is there a V on that component? It's a channel divinity. It says that in army of two. Yeah, we'll do good with army of two. Yeah.

We're definitely doing an athlete bonus when we play Army of Tooties. Uh,

We're doing an Army 2 role-playing game where there's five of us playing. Channel Divinity is neither an attack nor a spell, so the only... This fucking stupid system! The only eligibility condition for it is that a target be within 30 feet of you. Okay, sounds good. I just hit him with a full 25. Oh, wow, okay. So, yeah, Hermie is back on his feet and goes, oh, man, Taylor. Hermie, Hermie, he's our man. Don't let... Just get back out here, man. He's in darkness. He hears that. All he saw was Taylor come in, and all of a sudden he feels better, and he's like, thanks, Taylor!

No! This is, by the way, and really quick, this is what we see, which is we see Taylor running up, like, I got you, Hermie! A cloud shows up, and then Hermie dragging Taylor out. And Hermie's like, you rhymed man with man. That's great! All right, it is Scary's turn. The tree in front of me is holding the sun. Yes. Scary says, I think I'm gonna go Jotty Appleseed on this bitch. Famously the man who cut down trees. Yeah, that's the tree!

He did the opposite of cutting down trees. Oh, I see, I see, I see. Oh, okay. She Johnny on my apple till I see. Holy shit, you gotta tweet that. It's the best one of those that ever existed. I'll tweet it. Fuck, okay. Give Elon those money. Okay.

She'd call on my bunny until I bathe. I think I'm just going to take my knife and try to slice through the branch that's holding it. Okay, so you're going to use the Kellogg Knife? Yes. It's been, I would say, two days since you last jerked off. So go ahead and roll your constitution saving throw twice so we can see how damaging the Kellogg Knife is. I rolled a four. Okay, so you definitely jerked off at some point. Okay. But then after that, did you not jerk off?

After that, I think I got a 13 plus three. Great. Okay. So yeah, two days ago you did it and yesterday you did not. So it's whatever the card says, it's that amount of damage. But yeah, go ahead and jump up and you're going to slash. Give me a D20 roll. Fuck.

Got a five. Okay, so with a five, you leap up and you slash expertly with your non-jerking offhand. But the knife comes in at just the wrong angle and the treant moves its shoulder a little bit and checks you like hockey checks you another sport. Damn. And knocks you aside. Where you're standing right now is there is the treant and on one side of it, behind it, is Aaron and all the other trees and Taylor and Hermie.

And on the far side of it is you. And Gary Larson. And Gary Larson. And the cow tools.

So now it's Aaron's turn. She looks between normal Oak Garcia and the tree holding the sun. And she, much like normal did, has to choose between taking care of her friends and doing the thing that she wants to do, which is fucking up normal. Why does he want to fuck up normal so bad? Because she just doesn't like not getting the last word and being called old. She could be a little petty. A little vindictive. A role. And if it's evens, she's going to go for saving the tree. And if it's odds, her anger is going to get the better of her.

So she is going to... All the teens should mock her British accent. She goes, ooh, should have run away, little boy, little plant boy. I'm sorry, what were we saying? I was saying you should have run away. Why? Because it's about to get a little bit...

I'm not that scared of you. Cone of cold. So each creature in a 60 foot cone must make a constitution saving throw. A creature takes 88 cold damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. So she's going to angle herself away from the tree. And so she's going to hit you, Taylor. I want to put out that burning tree with her cone of gold. It's not a fire anymore. The cold doesn't put out fires. I have to be water, right? The cold is going to hit Taylor, Grant, Hermie, and Taylor.

Normal. I have a resistance to cold. Cool. So you're going to take half damage if it does hurt you. It's called warm. It's called warm. So make a constitution saving throw, please, everyone I just said. A plus 3, 11. I got a 6. Normal, you're going to take 8d8. Taylor, you're going to take 4d8. Or you're going to take 8d8 and then you half it. Wait, but I thought I saved against it. You did. You half it because you saved. So then I have it twice because I have resistance on 3d8.

On top of Satan. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So what it is is Taylor all the time that Taylor spent outside like throwing like ninja shit against trees and not wearing a coat despite what his mom said. It's the number of times he's been in line for some stupid Funko Pop late at night just all night waiting for These hypebeast drops! That's great. So 8d8 but I have it twice. Yes. 11 damage. Okay. Still pretty spicy.

Normal takes 33 damage. So he's looking pretty frozen right now. Oh, you're not dead? No, I have five hit points left. Oh, shit. I don't even have 33 HP, period. All right. Grant is going to grit his teeth and he's going to take 12 damage.

And then Hermie rolled a natural one on his con save. Oh, no. Hermie's liability. Look, at a certain point, at some point, you just gotta let the kid go. You just gotta let it, you know, he's gotta make his own mistakes. He can't keep fixing it. He can't keep fixing it.

too many times man hermy goes down again no hermy is pulling out taylor and then he just fucking flumps over and goes okay this time just go i acknowledge that i'm a little bit of a of a problem i'll do better don't say that you're a little guy man we

I'll be fine. I'll be fine. Okay. So that was the witch's turn. Aaron O'Neill, beloved. Link's turn. When is Grant's actual turn? Grant's turn is after yours. Okay. I can probably just kill this tree this turn. Is that what we need to do? Should we just kill this tree? I think it'd probably be a smart move.

move. All right. One track mind. I'm going to keep, you know, you can't just chop a tree once and then expect it to fall. So I'm going to fucking. That is a proverb. Socrates over here. Yeah. Oh my God. That's so good. Will. Socrates. Whoa. I got it. Whoa.

No, soccer trees. Soccer trees is easily the name of this episode. Yeah. 17? 17 will hit it. Okay, and I'm doing 4d8. Oh, yeah. Come on, Matt. Kill this thing. I'll just be done with it. Fucking shitty roll. 14? It's just barely hanging on. Okay, well, I look at it. I'm waiting for the sound for it to tip over. Nah, all right. I fucking pull the trigger again. Okay, getting out of d20. 15. 15 will hit it.

Okay. 48. Show me what you got, Matt. Nice, nice. 16. I'm just screaming. I go, ah! It's going down. We're yelling timber. So it dies. Mr. Worldwide emerges from the tree. The entire tree is on fire. It starts slapping itself uselessly to try to put out the flames. It falls to the ground. A bunch of dead elves fall out of its mouth. I scream loudly to drown out the scream of the elves. I only want to hear my own screams. You don't see this, but maybe somebody else does, that over your shoulder, Grant's looking at you like bones.

And the treant dies in front of you and the sun drops to the meaty ground and starts cooking the ground underneath it. So I think that would have been the treant's turn, but it's now dead. So now it's Grant's turn, right? Yes. Yes, now it is Grant's turn. Grant says, go, go, go, go, go. Everyone go. We got an opening. Army of two. And he's going to run.

And he's going to try to pick up the sun in his arms. Just memories of all those Christmas mornings flash in front of Link's eyes of him and his dad playing Army of Two. Just every... That's their Christmas tradition. Marco the Kitchen Cookin' Christmas Cookies and Link and Grant playing Army of Two. It's like, it's a wonderful life in the future. Like every... It's just a Christmas tradition. Dad, Dad, come over here. I'll hold X so you can go under this craving.

And then you can do the same for me. And the boost me up over this. It's a little too tall. You want me to take down that tango for you? I'll put a noose around that tango's neck and I'll hang it up for you. There's a container. I can't get up. I need your help. You got to lift me up. I would play an army of two where you have to kill a Mr. What's his face? The evil banker. Um,

Grant picks up the sun in his arms. It's burning his arms, but he's just gritting his fucking teeth through the pain and he's just running. And he says, just go. And he uses his action to basically sprint towards the door. So he has one action away from getting out of the door and leaving, but he's going to wait there for all of you. Damn, what a hero. Just fucking running for all. No, I said he's waiting there for you. I know. That's what Link's thinking, though. He's like, well,

Herbie's on the ground. No, he gave up on Herbie. Your dislike for him, it's not genetic because you're not blood related, but it definitely runs in the family. Who has the grappling gun? Normal still does. I do, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just grab Herbie. I do. All right, so Herbie's turn to roll a death save. He succeeds. One death save. That's good. Taylor's turn. My dude!

I'm going to do the move. You two have just tumbled back and forth. He picked you. I was like, Taylor! And then you fell. It's like Frodo and Sam. It was like, oh, I'll carry the ring, Mr. Frodo. I'll carry it. He just fucking falls over. Frodo has to carry him, and Frodo falls over. Yeah, exactly. As long as there's a third party healing us, we can do this forever. I'm going to get Hermie into a little...

No, no, no, no, no. A piggyback ride, you know? Yeah. Fireman. Fireman will give you piggyback rides. No, fireman carry is the best way to carry somebody. Wait, what is the fireman's carry? Over your shoulder. Over the shoulders, like head here, feet here. Is that what a fireman's carry is? You can do it by like rolling over them two in like one fluid motion. Okay, that's exactly what Taylor attempts to do. I thought that was a sex thing. Taylor attempts to do a forward roll into a standing fireman's carry. Roll, athletics. You've definitely YouTubed this. Ow, ow, ow. Sorry, hold on. My back hurts, so I need to.

Oh, no, that's disadvantage right there. 19 plus 120. Sometimes watching a bunch of YouTube videos does translate to real life skills. That's great. Okay, so you're now carrying him in a fireman's carry, but he's heavy. You're going to be moving at half speed. Yank me. Yank me. You have to pull me. Now it is Normal's turn. Normal, five hit points. His eyebrows frozen with frost. Looks up at Aaron and says,

you know what, old lady? And he pulls out two middle fingers and goes, frick you. And I cast, I cast bestow curse because I cursed at her. You touch a creature, so I'm just going to say like kind of booper with my double birds. She must succeed a wisdom saving throw or become cursed for the duration of the spell. She succeeded. Sorry. So I just poke her nose with two middle fingers. I'm like, frick you. And she's like,

You should have said fuck. Shit! You should have said fuck. I'm going to just run away. Okay. I run towards Hermie and Taylor. Great. Wait, is that an attack of opportunity since I'm running away from her? It sure does. Shit. As she warned you, she rolls a four. So she goes, Frick! No, no, I'm saying it! Damn it! Shit.

She tries to hit you with her stick. You barely duck under it. And now you are heading towards Taylor and- How far are they from me? Do I reach them in this turn? I feel like you reach them. Okay. I look at Taylor and I say, army of three. And I help you carry Hermie and the three of us run out. No, this is an army of two, to be clear. It's two of us and then one thing. Yeah. Scary. It's your turn again. So Normal has the grappling gun. I'm next to a fallen tree. Yes. But are the roots still in the ground? If you want them to be. Okay. Yes. Yes.

What I would like to happen, and I don't know if this is something I can make happen with my action, is if Normal tries to shoot me with the grappling gun and then I hold on tight to the tree to pull you all closer. And then we can all just reel up? Yes. That's great. You can just shoot the tree too, right? Oh yeah. My bad.

I'd be more sturdy. Normal's like, I've got it. I got what you're saying. Too bad. Yeah, you already decided that was the plan. Maybe I'll hold my turn then. Yeah, you can go for your turn. That's fine. So it's Aaron's turn. Anthony should be like, I hold my turn. Okay.

Yeah, now what? So she sees that her beautiful baby boy, the widest tree in the undergrowth. What was his name? Mr. Wide. It was Mr. Wide. Mr. Worldwide! It was Mr. Worldwide! He was wearing sunglasses. She sees it burning to death in front of her, and she goes...

No, no. And she is going to reach into the sky and above you, a cloud of moisture and frost is going to gather. And then a hail of hard rock ice is going to pound the ground in a 20 foot radius. It's a hard rock ice for you. So are these like sonic ice cubes? No, these are going to hurt. They're not going to crunch pleasantly beneath your teeth like little balls of powder.

So she's going to attack Link because Link's the one who just killed her son. So Link and Grant are going to both have to do dexterity saving throws. I guess also Scary because Scary's near that group. All three of you, please make dexterity saving throws. So you are going to take on a failed save 2d8 and then 4d6. If you succeeded, you have that damage. So Grant failed. 21. So how much do I take? 4d6 plus 2d8 on a failed save. If you succeeded, then it's half. I fail. Woo!

21. So half that is what? 11. 11? Okay. So you're still standing. I have one HP. Yeah. Whoa. I just took 18 damage. Okay. And Grant is going to take 23 damage. His knees fucking buckle against the meat door that he's holding open, and he pushes himself harder into it while holding the sun in his arms, and the sun's about to burn him too. Oh no, his bad knee. He flashes back to another Christmas day when they're playing R.B.A. 2. Amen.

You guys were dancing so hard because you beat the boss on the hardest difficulty and he was dancing and then smacked his knee against the... And you hurt that left knee. Once you get a certain age, that knee problem just never goes away. And people ask him later, like, what do you blot your knee doing? He's like, I was shooting hoops. Shooting hoops. That was the last day we ever played Army of Two. Now I regret doing it. Now I regret bringing it into the episode. Link, it is your turn.

You have enough movement that you could get out of the undergrove this turn. Link, get out of here, man. Save yourself. Who cares about me? I care about all you guys. We care about you. I know. That's why I'm going to help you. Listen, speak for yourself, Norm. I'm just saying the easier thing for him to do is to get out. You doubt Scary cares about you. I know. I know she does. I just want to turn around and just fucking hang on to the flamethrower. I'm at the door. I'm just blasting backwards the flamethrower and letting everybody go past me, essentially.

Okay, cool. So if anybody wants to chase you, you have to basically save to not get hit by the Sphincter. Yeah, so I'm kind of like, I'm at the door. What is it? It's a big, it's a Sphincter. You're literally Ripley in Aliens. Yeah, exactly. So I'm at one arm up against this fucking meat Sphincter or whatever, and the other arm is with a flamethrower. You and your dad are both holding open the Sphincter. Yeah. You and your dad are both almost dead. Actually, almost back to back against the Sphincter trying to support each other just like an army of two. Just like an army of two. Flaming the air in front of them. So that's great. I knew we'd play again someday, Dad. Yeah.

Grant goes, when we get back, we're going to platinum that game. We're going to get that last achievement that eluded us. I promise. I'm still mad at you. As I said, tears rolling down my eyes. Great. And I just hold down the flamethrower. Okay. Now it is Hermes' turn, but Hermes is unconscious. He's going to roll again for a death save. He succeeds at another death save. Taylor, it is your turn. I'm carrying Hermes still, but he's dying.

I go, normal, give me the grapnel gun. I don't know how this works, actually. Someone's just holding down the flamethrower, which is not really an attack until somebody gets to me. If you run past me as you walk through the door, I can just lay my hands on Hermie. Yeah, you'll know that'll be good. Because I have lay on hands. This is what I'd like to do. This is what I'd like to do. I'd like to shoot that grapnel gun through the tree. I'd like to shoot it at the tree, which is between me and the exit, right? Yes. And then start retracting. And then like a slip and slide.

Do you know what I'm saying? The meat, as you've established, is wet, slimy, and meat-like. You're going to just cause two... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just going to use the meat with my boy, Hermie, and we're just going to...

I don't think you have to roll for hitting the tree, but you're going to have to roll acrobatics to sort of, you know, use the momentum properly and slide the way that you want to slide. You either slide past the tree, the sphincter, or into the tree. Four plus one, five. Okay. I go, check this move out, normal. I'm trusting you. I take the grattin' gun and I'm like, heh, nothing personnel, kid. And I fire it. Nothing personnel?

now. And it slams and the fucking like close up of the tree splinters everywhere as the fucking teeth go in. I'm like, hang on tight, Hermie, for the ride of your life. And it goes and it pulls me towards the edge. I just go, oh no, oh no. And you're just watching the distance go.

Ow! So what happens is you scream towards it at incredible speed. You don't detach at the right moment. Right before you hit the tree, you're trying to rebalance yourself and your shoulders shift and Hermie falls off your back and hits the ground. You hit the tree.

And how much damage? You take a D8 of damage, but the momentum carries you over. So you're over on the other side of the tree. Where does Hermie go? A full eight. Hermie's on the wrong side of the tree. Okay. Oh no. So the only person on that side of the tree anymore is normal. Normal, it's your turn. Okay. Hermie's in front of me, in front of the tree, in front of the exit.

Yeah. I'm just going to go run to Hermie. And it's just like, Hermie's really the actual footballer. Once I get to him, I will cast Cure Wounds on Hermie to heal him. Oh, shit. Okay. By the way, he's got eight hit points. Okay, great. Hermie, we got to stop meeting like this. We got to stop meeting like this. Ah!

No one's scary. And he sees that you're connecting with Scary and you see his heart break a little bit. All right. I don't care. So everybody is within a run of the exit. There's just flames going over everybody's head. There's flames going over the exit. Scary, it's your turn. I'm going to turn around to the pursuing traitors.

trees and Aaron, and I'm going to aim this at the liquid meat so that hopefully it affects everything that the meat touches and cast poison. Simba, you have everything the meat touches. What about that shadow? That's a dark meat. That's $2 extra. It doesn't taste that much different. That's really funny. You should do the farts down with your hands is how you do it. Yep.

No, that was a gross one. That was so good. Wow. Yeah, Esther, put a good one in. Okay, I can't do it. That was a good one, actually. Because you fucked up the hand fart, she gets advantage on the constitution. I don't know if that was my idea, not her idea. That's so awful. Don't make Beth pay for my crimes, Anthony. And it's like, I'm like the one.

That's a hand fart, baby. That's a bad hand fart. All right, so she gets advantage of that. That's a bad one. So that's what I'll say. They're all relying on Esther to put in good farts and sounds for Beth and bad ones for me, but it's all a lie. Aaron actually still doesn't save, even with the advantage. Nice. So she takes a d12. And then can I just go again because I held my turn? Yeah, go for it. It's like unkinking a hose.

Yeah, and then I'll just fucking cast Eldritch Blast at her too. Wow, okay, cool. She takes eight poison damage.

Okay, that's a seven. Your eldritch blast sails over her left shoulder, but she's still coughing from the poison. Okay. And then you have a move still. Okay, I'm just going to move out of the... Okay, great. Yeah. So yeah, you run past Link and his dad. Who has the real son? Grant. Grant, okay. And I have the box. I'll just be like, Grant, you can put it in the box if you want, or if you want to keep burning, that's pretty metal. And he throws it into the box and immediately starts shaking his hands because they're just fucking really hurt. There's still smoke coming off of them. Pussy?

So I feel like we're basically out of combat at this point. Everybody can run away from Aaron. As you run out, Aaron is going to go, you call that a poison spray? This is a poison spray! And she's going to cast it herself. So on the way out, she is going to hit Normal and Hermie with it.

Because they're not through yet. Yeah. So she hits them, and thankfully Hermie does not go down, but he is poisoned. Constitution say I got an 18. Okay, so you save, so you're good. So you all manage to make it into the staircase leading out of the undergrove. Grant slams the meat door behind him, and then jams up. And I burn it to, like, seal it. Like, I cook the meat. That's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the meat all seals together, and you hear it banging on the other side. That was well done. But my side is hot. Hello!

Yes. That's good. So Grant's like, okay, we got it. We got it. Thank you. Thank you so much. Normal, thank you. You were amazing. Thanks for grabbing the sun. Link, you made me so proud. You saved so many people's lives. You were fucking incredible. Scary. I'm glad you're on our side. Saving the best for last, I see. It's all right. No compliments necessary. Great. And Hermie, thank you for being here. And you hear it.

Oh, thank you for thanking me. Thank you. Thank you so much for thanking me. I have to thank you for putting us in that situation. What do you mean, bud? He's turned away from you. Oh, no. He goes, well, I think I've developed a little bit of a taste. And he turns around and you see that his hair has turned red and he's got big red lipstick on and has a lascivious kind of tone to him. He goes, I think I've gotten a taste for poison ivy. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Not today, no, not today

We'll be right back.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Special guest this week was Seung Won Cho, who provides the voice of Taylor's inner monologue in our intro. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. We're supported by Patreon, where you can get ad-free episodes and hang out with cool people like artists.

Not only are there ad-free episodes on our Patreon, there's loads of bonus content too. In addition to our after show, there are full-on mini campaigns at every Patreon that every level gets access to. And if you're interested in watching our after show,

At the Mountains of Dadness is our prequel campaign and the Call of Cthulhu system. All that jizz is a Star Wars adventure. The most recent one was a little ditty we did called Sons and Sons Ability, which is a Regency romance adventure. That is, I think, the funniest thing we've ever recorded. You can get all of that and much more at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Support the show directly.

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So, Anthony, real quick, when you went to the bathroom, was that a number one or an army of two? God fucking damn. I locked my heart went out halfway through it. I was like, this isn't that fucking ass balls.