Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
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It's all kinds of stuff, dude. I was thinking solely anime. From Family Guy to American Dad, they've got it all. Solar Opposites, Hit Monkey, American Dad. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. If you're looking for a favorite animated show, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Hem. Your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.
Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. When I was some asshole, took me someplace real shitty to see a marching band. He said, loser, a poet, not like this to be fair. This stupid, try hard and save this stupid. When I was some asshole, took me someplace real shitty to see a marching band. He said,
Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. It's not that. It's a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. This is a story of four teens from Parwald. I need to go get changed. I'll be right back. Just the sound of water. Sorry, I didn't get the memo. Take the ball gag out of your mouth, Matt. Yeah, it's a podcast. People need to hear you clearly. How am I still talking, though? Good question. This is your imagination. This is the story of... We didn't say what the ball gag was gagging. She said...
This is the story of four teens from our world who have been transported back to our world to save it from an eldritch monster that was unleashed by their grandparents. Welcome back, Will. The last four episodes, I think, were all batch recorded, and now we're back. Now there's two, yeah, not to bury the lead, but there's two daddies on the podcast now. That's right. Wow. It is now a 40% dad podcast. We'll get there. We'll get to 100% someday. What do you mean?
40%? Am I a woman and not worth a percent to you? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You're cutting all that, of course. No, keep it in. That's great. Two out of five, Matt? Beth?
what two out of five people that's 20 no no no that's 60 because freddie is an honorary dad because he just called beth matt like all good dads do he couldn't even remember the name of his children so freddie's now an honorary dad 50 maybe i just want to say this to all my gals out there it's fine to be mad at bad at math and to be mad at beth and to
And to be mad at Matt. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the ice cold, cool ranger team of the group. Ice cold? That's new. I'm just trying adjectives, seeing what sticks. I'm thirsty. Real spaghetti methodology for my characters. Taylor's rad fact this week. Taylor's favorite sushi is...
is salmon sushi. He just can't get enough of it. Yo, I respect that. You know what? It's the best sushi. Yeah. I mean, look, Freddy has different sushi pieces, but salmon is good, you know? Partly because, here's the thing, I think about this a lot with sushi. I'm like, yes, I feel bad about eating tuna, but at the same time, it's just like, last chance, you know what I'm saying? Why do you feel bad about eating tuna? Because it's like, you know, contributing to the depletion of tuna, and I feel like in 50 years, we won't have tuna anymore. That's true. Yeah.
Yeah. Wow. You're an asshole. I know. I like this fact. I was going to do something serious about that. I'm just going to go. I'm loving this NPRS energy. Yeah. Really quick. Just for Taylor. What's Taylor's favorite hour? Is it midnight? Is it?
Is it? I don't get it. The new album, Midnight. Excuse me? It's a little album. I don't get it. I don't get it. That's bait. That's bait. Don't give him an inch. Don't give Freddie an inch. He knows what Midnight's is. All right, really quick. Just what'd you think? What'd you think? I like it. Yeah, it's good. I know a lot of people don't, but I don't care about that. People don't like that album?
Yeah, I don't know. I'm just going off of what I hear on Twitter. I'll tell you a little bit about Taylor Swift's Midnights. It's spent in front of his computer in his room with the mood lighting on and he's chowing down on some late night nigiri and watching animes. Nice. Taylor Swift can't return to form when she's been perfect every single hour.
Anyways, my name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, a schooled-at-home soccer kid who's a protective paladin in the group. And you know what? Freddie, I had another fact, but I think I'm just going to do your fact. And Lincoln's favorite sushi is a vegetable roll. That's... You chose violence this morning, Matthew. A vegetable roll, huh? Vegetable roll. The fish is icky. Good. Good.
It's not cooked. What are you doing? Doesn't like it. Just some cukes in there? Just some cucumbers? Yeah, just some cucumbers and a little avocado if you feel them spicy. Yeah, vegetable roll. That's it. What's funny is that I have a reason for this dad fact, and it's going to come to play here in this episode. Nope. I figure I think things might get serious again anyway, so just do it. Keep a light touch. Vegetable roll. Got it. Veggie roll.
Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak, a mixed-up mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. Teen fact this week about Normal. This one's for you, Freddie. Yay! That raccoon that Normal found that he befriended a couple of teen facts ago, it's actually not a raccoon. It's a going-on dog. What's a going-on dog? Not much, dog. What's a going-on dog? Are you serious? Did you seriously fall for that? Did you actually fall for that?
Are you serious? Oh, my God. Freddy is full on doing the Evangelion Shinji, like, doubled over in his chair, clutching his head. He literally looks like he has to go pile the Eva right now. Yes! I can't believe that. What? Will, you found his perfect weakness. You found, like, a moment. His defenses were down. All right, so here's the real story. I became a... God damn it! How did you fall for it? How did you fall for that? I don't know!
Jesus Christ!
So here's the story of that dad fact. Last month, I became a father. My wife and I had our beautiful baby boy, Andy. He's doing well. Everyone's doing great. I have been thinking about what my dad fact was going to be for a month straight while sleep deprived and pacing around back and forth. And I was like, I feel like I got one chance here to really pull something over on somebody. And I thought of this going on dog thing. I was like, wait a sec, because Freddie updogged me two decades ago. I swear to God, 10 years, 12 years ago. He got me with just straight up updog. And I was like, I will have my revenge. Do you remember that?
I don't remember that. I had never heard up dog before. And then you just up dog me. And then everyone laughed at me. And I've been, the day Freddie up dog you was the most important day of your life. And I was like, I bet my first fact back, everyone's going to be wondering what it is. You're going to say something about having a kid. And I'm like, Oh wait, I'll call Freddie out specifically. That was,
the move. That's what got me, dude. Anyway, I can die now. I'm quitting the podcast. Fuck off, bro. Just like fucking James Earl Jones used to say, dude, the circle is now complete. I just watched an assassination. You know, like those videos that nobody moves? Like, we all just sat here and just watched Freddy get murdered. Three seconds before a disaster happened video. Holy shit. Anyway. Do I need to turn back in my podcaster card? I think so. Do I need to go back to the podcaster's guild and tell them that I've been forcibly ejected by an updog joke? Oh,
Fuck you, Will! Hi, Beth. How are you? Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow. That's right. This is the season. That's my Screams Queen. It's Halloween. I know that this is coming out. What, Matt? That's my Scream Queen. Matt is the Scream Queen. Yes, go Matt. Okay, I know this is coming out after Halloween, but it's before Halloween for us, so ooh.
Have a spooky Thanksgiving. Yes. Oh, my gosh. This is a scary holiday. Make sure the turkey hits an internal temperature. I play a goth punk seeker of darkness who's not like other warlocks. Fun fact about scary this week. Actually, a twofer. A twofer. Is that...
Scary still plays the wordle. Yep, it's still going on. Are they out of words by now? Nope, they've done a lot of words, but not every word. What's her go-to starter word? Actually, she loses every time. What? Because her six guesses are always the same. Awful, angry, annoying, cruel, gross, inane. She has gotten it right six times. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
That day she got in one, she must have felt pretty good. All over the socials on that one. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. Today's dad fact is that in order to help everybody remember the fact that Hermit the Unworthy is technically part of the party, I bought a The Joker standee. Yes, and you've been keeping it at my place. I've been keeping it at Freddy's place. Much to the consternation of anybody who comes to this house. Next to Freddy's beautiful pottery that Freddy has like slaved over for hours, I have a little Joker standee that he's just a little freaky guy. He's just a little.
He's just a little guy. He's just a little freak of the week. Yeah, he loves Taylor the most. I take him off of Freddie's beautiful shelf of pottery every time we record. This is the first time. So that everyone will know that Hermie's around. If people...
mention her me more that's why because we now have a visual aid this Joker's pose is very like a great like he's leaning forward do that Michael Jackson lean forward you know what I mean like the one we had to like nail his shoes to the ground or whatever no it looks like his mama is like just holding him up and he's like he's like got baby legs we'll take a picture we'll post it on our social media account this is just the pose that was easiest to fit him into the thingy because he falls over a lot because he's just a little guy little guy Hermie don't fall over I like we need a Joker movie where the Joker is just a
I think the movie you're thinking of is Ted. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
So the last time we left you, Ding Dongs, you were headed to the undergrove with Grant. He had a parcel with him. He picked a lock on a door made out of meat that was down a long flight of stairs. You seem to know more about his plans regarding the sun and killing the doodler than he would have liked. He opened the door to do something. He told you to close your eyes. And right before I could explain what it was, Beth said something about a flashlight. And I decided I didn't want to do the show anymore that week. So, um.
That's actually why we took a month break. It wasn't for Will's kid. Yeah, I needed time. We really had to convince Anthony to come back after that. Yeah, they had it. We had Brendan Lee Mulligan on the line. Yeah, he was on the speed dial. Your eyes are closed and immediately overwhelmed with this bright orange color. You feel a warmth on your face that is unusual and you feel a nostalgia for
for not a memory that really even happened, but a memory of you seeing a future memory inside of Tilt-Toe-But-Run-His-Brain. Damn, do you ever have, like, nostalgia for a thing you didn't even experience? Like, wrong generation, am I right? It's like when you, like, remember what an N64 game looks like, and then you look back at what it actually looked like, but it's like you're still nostalgic. It's not...
All I'm thinking about is the happiness and warmth I get from watching The Annoying Orange on YouTube, my favorite classic film series on Turner Classic Movies YouTube channel. Oh, you got the criteria on box set? Wow. In the shape of an orange? It's really hard to keep on a shelf.
So eventually, Grids says, I think you can open your eyes now. And when you do, for the first time in your life, you're getting vitamin D. Ah, but that's where my dad fact trap card comes into play. Nothing is affected by Taylor because vitamin D is abundant in sushi and salmon specifically. That's right, Anthony. That is the exact reason why I picked the sushi dad fact for salmon. Taylor will be unaffected by the presence of the sun. Matt, on the other hand, who only has...
Vegetable sushi rolls is suffering. Damn. All right. I'll take vitamins.
Yeah, you all were raised on Flintstones gummies. You see the sun. You can't look directly at it, obviously. It is smaller than you saw in the memory of the future. And it is hovering at the top of a very, very tall cavern. It immediately grabs your attention because it is obviously the brightest and warmest thing in the room. But as your eyes acclimate, you look down and you see that the floor is glistening and reddening.
wet and red and seems to be made primarily of meat. You see long tendrils, long veins, almost tentacles throbbing and pulsating along the ground. It's so beautiful and so weird and disgusting, just like the annoying orange. And, uh...
Once you look away from the sun, you realize you were inside a massive... Which you shouldn't be looking at, by the way. Which you shouldn't be looking directly at. Grant immediately goes like, don't look at it. Don't look at it. Look away from it. He's just staring straight at it. He goes, Link, no. And he tries to like push your head down or like block the sun with his hand. Can we roll to see how much eye damage Link just did to him? Yeah, roll constitution. I got a five.
Yeah, five? Okay, so yeah, you look way too hard, and for the entire rest of the episode, when you blink, you get a big old white circle in the center of your vision, and anything that's going to require you to do something long distance, you're going to do with some disadvantage. Okay. Grant's not quick enough to make you look away from it, but yeah, you look around, and you see that this is a massive cavern. It's a studio apartment style, real open office plan kind of a cavern. Wow. Wow.
Just one big, huge cavernous room with this sun at the top beaming sunlight down on everything beneath it. And what is beneath it, you ask? So the sun is small. Yes. Yes. As I was saying before, it's not the size of the sun you saw in your memory. It is a small, it's like from where you are, it looks like it might be the size of a basketball or something. But if we use the ruler. But it is as bright as the sun though, right?
It is the same brightness as if you were like outside and the sun was at its normal humans. Like you're not getting burned up. You're not in danger or anything like that. Are we getting a little tan? I mean, I guess if you stayed here for long enough, yeah. I feel so powerful. You're all pretty pale comparatively. So I think, yeah, you're probably- Yeah, get this thing away from me. Yeah, I don't like it. As Grant tries to lead you forward across the slick, meaty, wet ground, you also see some trees idling every few steps along the ground. And Grant puts his fingers to his lips and he says, they're sleeping.
and he tries being the trees are sleeping mr what's your last name again like mr wilson yes there's the trees are sleeping don't what's that big bright thing what's going on super light my eyes hurt now yeah don't don't look at it what is that thing uh you know it's a star it's a sun not not like a you like hatsune miku when i close my eyes i still see it yeah no that's okay that's okay it's it's it's haunted your it's haunted your
Eyeballs! It's a ghost! Wherever I look. Roll stealth with disadvantage, Taylor. Taylor's just so pumped at the idea that there was a ghost. Taylor's swiftly wondering if we're out of the woods yet. Did you hear her new song, Hey, What's Up, Dog? Go fuck yourself. Freddie says it smells like wrong dog in here.
Freddy, you want to roll the Bofa? 12 plus 4, 16. Okay. So yeah, you managed to stay quiet as you continue forward. So Grant is holding this parcel to his stomach and he's basically saying like, okay, so we're going to meet somebody and I just need you to just be...
Be chill. Be cool. Don't freak out. Well, are they like a celebrity? Yeah, kind of, I guess. I don't know. Oh, cool. Yeah, is it like another family of yours or just another big lie that you have? Just like, you know, what is it? Oh, shit. I don't know another family. You're my only family. You and Mark are my only family. What are you talking about? Well,
I don't know. The floodgates are open, sir. So once you lied, who knows what. You told me. I mean, the sun hurts my eyes. You didn't tell me about that. Oh, you did. I did tell you that. And sometimes little white lies can protect the people that we care about from the. You never said that. That's the opposite of what you would tell me. Anytime I would try to take a cookie or eat something, you'd be like, you got to tell the truth. Yes. Anytime you tried to eat something.
I feed him. He gets to eat. In between mealtimes because I get a little hungry. Hermes, start taking notes. There may be a case building here. That's right. Hermes here. I forgot he's such a little guy. You thought I was a tree, didn't you? Let me make like a tree and take some notes on this horrible father's situation. What trees take notes?
So there. Is that a riddle? No. No? I was just like, why? What trees take notes? Matt, what were you going to say? I don't know. I like them with trees. No! You got Matt with a riddle. It's not a riddle! I was trying to come up with a joke and it wasn't a joke.
Yet riddles upon riddles. Okay, at the far end of this cavern, you can see an old, decrepit woman sitting on a throne of what looks to be glistening, uncooked steak. And she is asleep. Who's that, Dad? That's an old friend of Dad's. What kind of friend? Never mentioned her. I mean, do you tell me about all your friends? Yeah, you do. Yeah, I tell you everything. We're supposed to tell everyone. You absolutely do. I know everything about your day. What does he say about me?
Go ahead, Dad. Tell him. I don't care anymore. Actually, no, don't tell him. Okay. I won't tell him. Only good things. What? But... See, now we're talking about... Now you understand a little white lies. White lies. Sometimes it's good to spare people's feelings. Look what you've done, Dad. I'm already breaking my... I can't even... I've said so many bad things about you. You have? Well, I didn't like you at first. I didn't like anybody. He told me that all you... Now you use real stealth. Normal. Maybe this is somebody in his journal. With disadvantage.
I got a six. Okay. So with a six next to you, the trees rustle, their leaves shake back and forth, and you hear a creaking noise, and the tree starts to rise up, and you see that its roots sort of form legs, and they stand up on either side of you. And they lean down, and one pulls...
pulls an arm back as if to swing at you, grab at you, maybe high five you. What are you going to do? I'm going to be like, don't do that. Hey, wait, tree. No, don't hit me. So Grant is going to pop the top of the gift box. And if anybody wants to roll perception, maybe you can sneak a look at what's inside the parcel. Sure. Yes. That's a nine. You don't see shit. 16.
I got a 12. 17. Half of you see that inside there are two items. One of them looks kind of like Batman's grapnel gun. It's like a little gun with a like three claw hook on the end. And the other is what looks to be a small flamethrower, like a really handheld, just like a look like a super soaker, but with a lighter on the end. And he holds it up and points it at the tree. And he goes, everybody be cool.
Be cool. We just want to talk to Aaron. Don't give your fucking distance. So he's going to roll intimidation to see if he can get them to not fuck with you. Maybe we should make like a tree and leave. Is there like any trees that like are named after like teachers or anybody who takes notes? So he got it. Shut up. So he got a 10, which is not enough. So the tree reaches down and grabs Grant and,
around his stomach and squeezes, and he's gonna roll constitution to see if he can wriggle free. See if he poops a little bit. He gets a two, he drops the flamethrower. Oh no. He drops the parcel as well. And he says...
shit guys get out of here get out he looks at you like and he goes go go go go grab the flamethrower okay i go put down my dad he's been he's been bad but like this isn't how we put it i'm gonna burn you the tree looks at you and then just turns and starts with your dad in hand starts walking towards fire warning shot hey lady help
So in the far distance, you see this woman like and looks around. But the tree ignores your warning and starts walking in the opposite direction towards this woman on the meat throne. What are you going to do? I'm just following and being like, I'm going to do it. And I'm looking back at all of you. It's like, I don't want to do this. I'm going to keep walking. Taylor's like, do it. You got to show that you mean business in a hostage situation. I look for like the most overreaching branch, like the last leaf. That's like so far away from my head. Yeah.
Famous short story. And I just do a little like, and I just do a little like, like, you know, when you're trying to get the gasoline to exactly $4, the like tiniest little trigger squeeze. It's like, what?
It's like, do a little bit of a little bit of a flame on one leaf. Roll dexterity to see if you have the trigger discipline. Oh, 16, 16. OK, so with a 16, you light that entire branch on fire. It's a smaller branch, just like a couple of twigs and stuff associated. And the tree stops what it's doing and with its other hand, swats at the fire, grabs it, breaks it off and throws it on the ground and stamps it out. But it stops and it looks at you with a little bit more of a wary kind of posture. Yeah. And it cocks its head at you as if to ask, you know,
What? Well, yeah, just, you know, hey, there's more with that. I don't want to use it, but I will just put down my dad and we can talk it out. I mean, I'm mad at him, too. So maybe we'll maybe we'll have some common ground and we can talk about what he did wrong. So the tree arches its back. You hear the sound of creaking wood and several trees behind you also get to their feet and they start approaching you and you find yourself about to be surrounded.
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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, whey, whey, whey. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.
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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. Back to back, back to back. Okay. Hey. Dad, what should we do? We're so re-surrounded, Dad. I told you to kill one of them and then run through the corpse to get out of here. How about you? Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Well, okay. Who's in charge of these trees? Her. Yo, lady, get your, like, trees to stop, like, messing with us. Why don't you roll persuasion?
- 16. - 16. - Plus five. - Jeez Louise. Okay, so even from this distance, your voice booms out.
Maybe a little bit reminiscent of when Ron would use thaumaturgy to make his voice louder generations ago. Not that you would know that. Your voice booms out and this small woman in the other end of the chamber slams a staff against the ground and the trees turn to all look towards her and she puts her hands out and does a come hither gesture with her hands. And the tree puts Grant down and starts walking towards Ron.
while still sort of, it's hard to tell because they don't have faces, but you get the feeling that they're all still looking at you even as they walk and they're surrounding you as one escort towards the throne. Scary, you're such a leader. Look at that. As you approach the throne, you see that this woman has grayish reddish hair. She is hunched over. She has dead dried flowers all over her dress. She's still very pretty despite the fact that she seemingly has been living underground for a very long time. And she says, Oh,
look who it is. Mr. Shit. Oh God. I've had so long to fucking think of a thing to say when you came back. Oh, I fucked it up. No, you're the worst. You're the worst. You suck. I hate you. Give me a good reason not to kill you, Mr. Wilson. And Greg goes, I've got a deal. I got a deal. I, I, I, I have an idea that we can all, everything can be fine. All be good. She says, Oh,
I don't think so. And she casts a spell with her fingers. She like twiddles her fingers in the air. She looks into his mind and she sees that he is lying. And she says, no, no, no. I don't think I'll be making any deals with you today. Who are these adorable little ones? And she starts approaching you with her arms outstretched like a granny who wants to go in for some hugs or pinch some cheeks. And she goes, which one is yours? Oh, I'm Mr. Wilson. I'm his kid. Oh.
Hello. A pleasure to meet you. I may have to kill your father, but you're welcome to stay here if you like. Absolutely.
After you kill him? I mean, forever. No, I mean, we're here because we're trying to save. So it sounds like we know that my dad and all the other dads did some bad stuff, but we're in charge now. And he just stepped out of line and we're here to try to fix things. So it sounds like it should be you I should be negotiating with. Is that correct? Oh, yeah. He's our leader. Yeah. Me and my co-leader. Scary. Yeah.
We're kind of a dynamic duo. And then we got our three followers here. Followers? Yeah. I'm your right hand man, the trigger man, if you will. The hatchet man. Hermione says, I'm definitely a follower. Yes. And me, I'm just sort of following my own path right now. I'm trying to figure myself out. But I guess I'd sort of like, would you guys consider me a hype man or like, you know, sort of like a strategy development person? Like, I don't know, but I'm involved. I think you're the heart of the group. Interesting. Interesting.
That's what I, Hermie, would say. Taylor leans in and whispers, he's the ideas guy. So Aaron says, ah, well, let me explain the landscape you find yourself on for this upcoming negotiation. Please sit. And as she says that,
A bunch of little cubes of meat rise out of the ground at roughly butt height. And she goes, please sit. And the trees put their branches on you and force you down into the sea. Oh, like a roller coaster, like a dune buggy. You know what I'm saying? Like the lap bar that comes out like that. It's like, don't lower. The ghosts will do it for you. So she says, I'm presuming that you know that your father and his friends decided to put the doodler and our world to save their own world.
And what they maybe did not, or maybe they did consider, is the fact that doing so would blot out our sun, which my children, my family, she says, gesturing at the trees, need for light. So it took a great deal of effort. It took a great deal of magic, but I managed to somehow reach beyond
the veil of the doodler's butt, grab the sun and bring it back here down to size. Though in so doing, I lost my love or whatever relationship that Aaron O'Neill and Vince have in real life. That's what this is. I don't want to like say it's one thing and then it changes and then the podcast is awkward for you guys forever. I should have never named you after real people, but whatever your relationship currently is, that's what your relationship is here.
We have to live down here, subsisting only on the light from this miniaturized sun and from all of the moisture we can gather from the meat, from all of the people that we meatify.
Meatify? Wait, what? No, you had me up until that last part. Yeah, until the meatify part. We have to eat. We need water. Water is sorely lacking in this world, and so sometimes we go out and we collect the meat. I thought you would have been like a vegetarian or something. I wouldn't be a vegetarian. My children are plants. I don't eat my children. Would you? Yeah, no. I mean, I don't know. It depends. Like, I don't know how tasty are my children. Ew.
Ew. No, I mean, like, if, like, my children were, like, nerds ropes, like, I would eat them. You would eat your kids? Scary? Well, I didn't know that they weren't, like, nerds ropes. You scary. You like nerds ropes? No.
Disgusting. Nerds robes, come on. Whatever, stop bullying me. Oh my gosh. This is so cruel. Did you see the way that they were just talking to me? You were talking to my name and your kids. Don't look at me because I'm the only other woman in this situation. I'm going to be on your side. Oh my gosh, women are so mean to other women. It's really hard to catch a break. It's like we're always trying to compare each other or something. No, there's no comparison between
pretty different you just said you would eat kids so shut the fuck up wow wow okay so i get what you've done it's a nice you know for you this seems like a nice place i'm a good job thank you yeah i guess it's a compliment sandwich yeah yeah so so and and and dad this seems like you've been on a quest and you've gone here so that's good job for you too not really a compliment just sort of said what i was just yeah well you you not everybody makes it to the end of their journey and now you're both here the
And we need to know what both of you are trying to do so that we can do the better thing. Because that's why we're here. Because you both have done a lot of... You're murdering people. I'm on people, it seems like. So that's fucked up. We don't murder people. I'm trying to hang that together. It's not murder if you eat them. I still see a sun in my eye. Did you just say it's not murder if you eat them? Yeah. What? You ever eat a hamburger? Do you say you murdered the cow? No. I mean, but the cow... Same thing with nerds' robes. Okay.
You know what? Now we're on the same page. Now I like you. Girls stick together. Back to back. Yes, they do. Hell yeah. Cross our arms, foot back to back. Yes, bestie. Bestie, I can tell you exactly what your father wants. And father, please feel free to tell me if I'm wrong at any point. Yeah, I got a British accent in the intervening years. I thought it would be a fun thing to do. And Grant looks at her nervously. She says,
Grant Wilson was here to pretend to do some sort of deal to help my people find a new home for themselves. But in reality, he was, let's see, let's see. And she looks through his little parcel and she goes, ah, and she opens and closes the claws on the little grapnel gun thing. And she goes, this seems like it's made for, and she taps the end of it. Ah, heat seeking. Yes. You were going to take our sun, weren't you? You're going to take our globe, our light, our giving energy. Wait, you were? And Grant says,
averts his eyes when she says that. Your dad was going to kidnap another kid? No, S-U-N. Oh. All right. I'm back up to speed. Go on. Yes. He was going here to take our son from us for some nefarious purposes I can only guess at. Whereas I, all I've ever wanted was one of two things.
I wanted either a path open to hell where my children could live in eternity because the hellfire is not dissimilar from the fire of the sun, incidentally, or for a portal to be opened back to where we came from initially, from our original world. So you're saying if we could get you just if we're trying to get you both what you want, that you want the sun.
Right? That's what you're here for? Yeah. Okay, not gonna lie, that's what you're here for, right? Yeah. Okay, the sun. Okay, cool. And you want to go to hell, right? That's what you just said? Or go back to the other place. Yes. Yeah, but I don't want her where I live. Look at her. She just makes me people. She makes me people. Oh, you want to live here? Literally,
literally worth sitting on people. She's only eating people because she doesn't have a, she got two, right? He gets it. This one gets it too. Not the fat bestie. Not my backyard. I don't want anybody eating meat. I don't want people who eat meat in my backyard. Literally, I was trying.
Okay, so you're saying if you came back to our world, you wouldn't eat people. If we went back to your world, I don't know if we would need to because our world already had a lot of inherent magics in it. And Grant says, no, you can't. I've told you a million times that you can't. If you try to go through, that's too many people. That's too much at once. It could break the barrier between the realms. The realms could like combine and then the doodler would see everything. It's the thing that Terry, that you're scary. Sorry. Ground yourself. He's not my dad.
One, two, three, four, five. He starts counting his fingers. He starts counting things that he can see. It sounds like you got two things you want and one of them is bad for Grant here. So it sounds like if you went to hell, we could get the sun. Is that what we're talking about? Yes. If you could help us get into hell and establish a new civilization for ourselves, but I don't know if you'd be able to. It should be pretty easy. I mean, none of you guys have been baptized, right? I don't know what that is. Is that how it works? I don't know. I mean. Dad, did you baptize me? Oh, I was talking.
Oh, I was talking about the trees. Oh, well, now I'm curious, though. I want to know. Grant says, yeah, your grandfather suggested as a just in case kind of thing. Just in case? I don't even think we have a Bible in the house, so. I kind of just did it to make your granddad happy. You're saying if we bring all these trees and this nice cannibal lady to our world, it's going to collapse whatever thing we're doing to keep the world separate, right? But what if we took them through just one at a time? You know what I mean?
We can, but every time any of us go through the barrier between the worlds, it's like your stepdad said, Scary, that what do you do when your arm is itching? Like, we're just itching the doodler a little bit every single time we go through this portal because it's connected to them. If we keep doing it, if we keep doing with a lot of people that it's not familiar with, like Big Ol' Trees and Aaron O'Neill and all of our friends and wherever Walter is, then yeah, it could notice and it could start actually trying to attack us rather than just sort of passively observing us. It could cut off the arm.
Okay, but is it okay to bring the sun back? Well, it's not going to matter once I bring the sun around because it's going to be dead. We're going to expand the size of the sun so big using that tape measure that it'll basically destroy the entire realm and everything in it. And when he says that, Aaron goes, oh, that's the plan? You're going to kill all of us without letting us go back? Cool. Dick move. Yeah, no, we agree. We're not letting them do that. So, Dad, we haven't... We met the other dads and I'm...
Yeah, you're... I got bad things to say to you, but we're not letting... Yeah, we're not doing that, right, guys? Like, we're not killing this whole world. Yeah, that plan sucks. Yeah. So we're trying to find another way. We're going to agree with you. That plan is terrible. It's stupid. Great. It's like, if you got a better one, I'd love to hear it. We're working on it. Yeah, we're working on that. Yeah. Okay. W-I-P. Aaron says, ah!
Ah, you know what we need? Because we could go around and around all day. What we need is a nice little time box. We're going to time box this conversation. So if you two wouldn't mind these trees, each one of you go ahead and grab one of Grant's arms and then just slowly apply a little bit of pressure. Just pull a little bit harder and harder. And eventually this conversation will be over once your father has been ripped into pieces.
for betraying my trust and the trust of my friends and sending us all to hell. So if we don't come to a... Figurative hell, not literal. Not the literal, oh, if only. If we don't come to a conclusion that we are both happy with, if we don't come to a deal that can be made, then I am afraid your father is going to be the price paid for this little conversation. I think we had one, right? We'll help you get to hell and then you can give us a son. Sure. How? Oh, I want a quick team help. Can you just pause killing my dad for a second while we team huddle? Oh.
Go ahead. Go fast. What, Taylor? I have some... I might have an inside connection or two. And to hell. You know, just like not something I like to, you know, brag about. But it just might be, you know, just letting you know. Just letting you know that I have some connections. Why'd you kill somebody? No, no, no. Way cooler than that, Scary. Well, tell her. Yeah, tell her. Yeah, you have... Well, Link and I had a little side adventure while you guys were doing the group project. And I met my dad. And...
And he's a hell demon of some import, as I've gathered in the time since. Really cool guy. You know, don't want to, you know, burn any favors I have with him, but he's down there and I'm sure he could probably hook us up. Yeah, we got to connect to hell. So with a little bit of grease in the palm, so to speak.
That's right. I'm monetizing my relationship with my dad. Okay, go ahead and call him then. How do you summon your dad? Ah, one second here while I speak to my friends. Pause killing my dad. No, there's no pause. That's how time box works. We just give you a solution. Where is the tape measure? Scary has it, right? Scary. Can I have the tape measure real quick? Yeah, here you go. I take the tape measure and I pop it open and I aim it at the sun and I look at Aaron O'Neal. Ooh, okay. Roll intimidation. Okay. I say with advantage too. Okay.
Oh, that's a natural 20. All right, lady, listen up. I don't know this guy that well, but I like his son quite a bit. He's a sweet boy. And I realized that a lot of bad stuff is going on, but here's the deal. Every little inch you tug on him, I tug on this and that son gets a little bit bigger. You kill him. I pull this thing and we all go up. Okay. And she goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's crazy enough to do it.
Everyone stop. Everyone be cool. And they immediately. Normal just wants Link to like him again. Do you like me now, Link? Man, she's pretty cool. So immediately the trees drop your dad and she goes,
Oh, okay. So boys, we're going to play with fire, huh? You're willing for all of us to go up. I like the cut of your jib. You must be Larkson, huh? That's a Lark move. I'm not clear on that. I'm pretty sure that I'm his nephew, though. Okay. Okay. Same bloodline. Same bloodline. Sure, sure, sure. Okay, so what's your move, kid? You sort of got us at the end of a gun, but we've also got you at the end of several wooden guns and the trees all flex. Ha ha ha!
Now it's just a bunch of acorns like fall out of the ground. This is all I had. Well, yeah. So that's called. Call your dad. You know, your dad's cell phone number. Yeah. One second. One second here. Does that give help? Need some trees. I'm just gonna pull my boys aside. My friends aside for a second. Hey, so just really quick. I don't know how to fucking contact my dad.
Oh. Well, you could have mentioned that before Norm went all hardcore. What's going on over there, guys? I feel like I'm losing the momentum here. I feel like they're going to realize that I'm not going to make good on this bluff. What's going on? Normcore, I guess. Oh, yeah. You don't have a phone number or anything, do you? No, I don't really have a mean name. Taylor, maybe if you, like, whisper his name on the wind, he'll show up. Have you tried that? Like, this Aaron chick, if she knows all our dads, how come she can't get your... Oh, yeah. Wait a minute. That's a good point. Hey, lady. What?
What happened to Nick Foster? He went back to hell. Can you convince him to come back? Yes. Oh.
Oh, I see. You're allowing me to kidnap and or threaten to kill you. Wait, wait, wait. Because then Nick will show up to save you. Wait, hold on. I seem to have missed a couple of plot points. Wait, that is what happened last time, isn't it? Ah, yes. Oh, yeah. If you're in danger, then like your dad comes. Grab him! Yeah! And two of the trees are going to move to grab you. What do you do? Oh, I'm going to like take my hand down to my maul steel thing.
and be like, not another step forward lest you taste my steel. Roll intimidation. And the only thing I've practiced on is tree branches too, so you know you can taste. That's a natural one. Whoa, okay. So they grab you in the mall, steel sword snaps in your hands. No! It falls to the ground like the piece of fucking sharp image garbage that it is. I just realized Taylor's been in danger like the whole time we've been here. He got captured by Papa John and is dead to do shit. Oh no! Oh no! Ha ha ha ha!
Yeah, totally. That's because he knew that we could handle it, maybe. I panic and I pull the tape measure an inch closer to me to make the sun bigger. Oh, God. Okay, so it gets about 10 degrees hotter. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jesus. I'll do it, I'll do it, I'm crazy. Wait, wait, wait, just split the difference. Too hot. I grab the flamethrower and I point it at Taylor.
I give him like the weak. He's like, that's right, Nick. I'm going to burn your son. Oh boy. He's going to be, he's going to smell worse than this meat on the floor. He's going to be dead. I'm going to push this trigger. If you don't save him. Roll deception. 13. 13. All right. I'm going to have. And also to be clear, where is the grappling hook? The grappling hook is in a box that Aaron has put down on a slab of meat that is basically acting like a little table, but she is not holding the box right now. It's next to her.
If you try to go for it, she would probably get a moment to like try to react and like get it out of your hands. It's close enough that she can react. I rolled for Nick, Nikki sort of observing from a distance. And as you yell that nothing seems to happen. Oh, oh, this is good. Oh boy. This is going to suck. This sure is going to suck for Nick when this kid burns. And I'm like back. I rolled a 17. It's not working. I'm back and I go to Gran. Dad.
you gotta do something. You did something to Nick. Don't you know where he is or how to contact him? Yeah, I know how to contact him and he doesn't want to talk to me. It's like having your ex's number and they don't. Give the phone over or something. There's only one way I know that he would show up and it's exactly what we're doing now, but you guys don't mean it. Fine. I can try to. Okay, give me the flamethrower.
Oh, you've asked for it. Now my co-leader is really, she's the mean one. And I toss it. It's good cop back up. I toss it to scary. But you're not going to really kill him. I don't know what I'll do. Oh. So there. Yeah, me neither.
Okay. Do you want to not do the thing I'm not doing? What are you going to not do? I lock eyes with normal and I'm just like, um, no, I'm going to do it. If you're going to do it. Yeah. On the count of three. Okay. One. No, I jump in front of Taylor. I,
Don't do it, Gary! I hit the flamethrower. Okay. So the flames lick directly, slam into your chest, Link. You successfully jump in front of the flamethrower when nobody was pulling the trigger. You scared me, man! You're on fire. I thought you were gonna do
- Go ahead and take a D12 of damage. - I drop and roll. - Yeah, drop and roll as you take a D12 of damage. - See, that's gonna be your son if you don't come out here, Nicky. - I gotta what? - You gotta look up in the bad. - I love that the section that you're standing over now has now become medium rare.
I panic and drop the tape measure and go to swat the flames out on Lincoln. Taylor does a diving roll to try and pick up the tape measure. All right, we're going to roll a pose dexterity because Aaron's going to point at that and tell her trees to do the same damn thing. And she got a 19. Ooh. Damn. I got an 11. Wait, as, oh, never mind. I'm not going to pull a mat and be like I did it the same in the middle of the thing. How dare you say that? Oh, no. Ooh, Spock.
Spicy, spicy, spicy, everybody. You can say you're doing something. You can go ahead and do it. I mean, everybody's doing a thing in this moment. So yeah, one of the nearest trees leans down and snatches up the tape measure just out of his grasp. It doesn't matter. The tree does that, and then like a full, like one Mississippi, two Mississippi later, you hear, and then Taylor does a roll over where it was. It's nowhere near the ground anymore. Not even close. Aaron says,
Oh, you kids don't actually know. You're bluffing, aren't you? You don't know how to get to hell. Well, then we can always, I can tell you this. I know exactly how we can get the worlds to merge. And maybe it's not going to be so bad. Things are crazy here. Things are crazy there. Grant's like, it'll be a lot worse. It'll be like fucking war between the people of this world and this. It could be fucking crazy. And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. Here's the thing, though. I know how to do it. All it takes is a combined sacrifice, not of death. Nobody's going to have to die. We just have to do it.
We just have to feed 300 human years of a lifespan into my spell, and then we can sort of smush the two planes together and everything's Gucci.
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That sounds so complicated and awful. Wait, hold on. I have a question. Okay. And Taylor's panting over all the exertion that he's just gone through. Yeah. Smooshing the planes.
I heard there was more than one plane. There's more than just like our world in this world, right? Correct. What else is there? Maybe we can find purchase in another plane. Maybe we could just skip out on these realities entirely because they're all kind of jacked up. I guess, but I don't have a connection to those other ones. It's only because of your family that I understand the plane that you're from at all. What are the other ones?
So the other ones are the infernal, there's the goofs plane, there is the spirit plane. Spirit planes, I hear that one, they don't give you any amenities. It's pretty affordable, pretty affordable though, don't knock it till you try it. The only one that I know how to get to with a spell, I've actually got all the components ready, I just needed 300 human years of existence to pour into there. So if you want to take some years off the end of your life, we could use that to power the spell. I don't know how many of them- Then you'll go into our plane. Yes.
And dad, what do you think will happen? I assume that basically all of the kinds of people that you've met here, all the kooks and Papa John's and, and, uh, there's a Papa Johnson, our world too. It's going to have a conflict with the IP. Yeah. They'll basically get transposed back onto our world. And maybe some of the more psychically relevant landmarks will show up too. It'll kind of be like, you know, if you're,
You took two different jigsaw puzzles, mixed up half the pieces from one with the other. They fit together. It does seem like there'd be a lot of death. Okay. And just to clarify, you would be okay to go to hell, Aaron? Of course. Okay. Well, I don't like, I feel uncomfortable calling you Miss what? What should I call you? Miss O'Neil. Oh. Okay. Look, look. I'm just kidding. Nothing. Look. Hey, we, hey. What, what? Adults, do you look at me?
I've been looking at you. We got all the leverage, okay? We don't have any leverage anymore. We got all the leverage. You have no leverage. Oh, really? We have the measuring tape. You can't do that anymore. Oh, you got the measuring tape. Well, I'm a kid and you are supposed to care about us because we're kids. So you listen. You listen here. So your leverage is guilt? You listen here. We know a way to get to hell. Do we know it right now? No, but we'll go figure it out. So look, tell you what.
All you got to do, you got the easiest job in the world. Just don't kill my dad. Why don't you two just sit here and work it out like adults? If that's too hard for you, maybe you shouldn't be adults, huh?
How about that? Maybe you should be dumb kids or dead. How about you guys work it out and we'll go off and we'll do all the stuff that you can't do and we'll go find a way to hell. And then you can go to hell where you belong. And dad, you can go back home and you apologize. You apologize to dad. You apologize to me and you're going to talk. You're going to be in your own hell, mister. I'll tell you what. And then we'll be good. So how about that? How about we just let's figure it out. His dad's in hell. We'll figure out a way into hell. Roll persuasion. It's pretty persuasive.
Matt has returned to looking at Anthony quietly. He is twiddling his thumbs a little bit.
I got a four. Okay. So she goes, you're so cute. And she pinches your cheeks and she goes, you think that you have anything to offer this conversation? No, honey, we are doing what adults do. Adults try to kill each other. Adults don't sit around and make funny little pretend promises that we know are not going to be kept. Grads, you knew you weren't going to keep your promise. And grad's like, no, I wasn't going to. He's like, yeah, I know, you know, we know. Wait, there's one more thing we could do. We heard there's a place called the Church of the Doodler.
And we think there could be an answer there to solving all of this, to setting this right, to defeating the doodler, to making all the worlds better. Like, we think there could be answers there. If you give us time to look, we'll leave his dad as collateral. And if we don't deliver on the goods, you can kill him. Do whatever you want with this loser. Yeah.
Yeah. Go ahead and roll persuasion. Assuming you're telling the truth, you're not just trying to buy time so you can steal him. Okay, yeah, go ahead and persuasion. See, there's a concept called anti-fragility, and this is kind of like optionality. You have an option that you can exercise without any downside. There's no downside for you. You just let us try to go do something. And then you get what you want if we don't get it, which is probably revenge on him because he was bad, right? Yes. I got a 15. She got a 17.
Can I help? Can I help with this one? Can I help with this one? Can you? Yeah, I'm going to be like, I know my dad and I can get him any here anytime I want. Then do it. No, do it right now. Do it right now. You have five seconds. I'm sorry your dad doesn't love you and he won't show up to save you, Taylor, but how many chances are we going to give him? I can put myself in actual danger. I'm waiting. I'm waiting. I'm going to be like,
You know what would be really cool is if dad showed up right now and I snap my fingers. God damn it. You snap your fingers? Yeah. Is there like a really high thing around here you could jump off of? And then he'd come and save you. Like a tree, you mean? Yeah, like climb a really tall tree. Wait, wait, wait. What if I shoot myself into the air with my fingernail and it looks like it's a naked me screaming and crying?
And maybe that'll be enough. Sure, you can give it a shot. I think, yeah, go ahead. Shoot here. So I bite my fingernail. As I'm unloading, as I'm disarming the gun and taking out all my fingernails, I'm just pretty sure he's been, if he's watching us, then there's been a lot of times you've been injured. Don't shoot the gun. Here you go. I cast that spell of darkness again over this as it's happening so that Nick can't see it.
Okay. So here's, okay. So here's what's going to happen. So I go ahead and I unload the gun and I, and I hand it to you with magazine open. I go, go ahead and take a shot. All right. Okay. Here's this. I don't think your dad's an idiot though. I don't think it's going to work.
All right. All right. This is going to happen. So I take the gun with my fingernail in it. I look around. Is there a tree nearby? Yes. I need the tallest tree here. Okay. Okay. Now remember, first thing you do is you, it's like Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, where he's teaching a maid Marian to shoot the bow. I'm like, I'm putting my arm around. It's like, look, you just gotta, you squeeze. Okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. So the tallest tree comes. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Shoot it straight up. I'm the tallest tree.
You just shoot it straight up. In my head, that's what he said. What'd you say? I'm the tall tree. He goes, I'm the tallest one. What's your name? Tall. Yep, it's voiced by Beth now. That's the character, that's the tree. You can't hear any of this, but that's what it's thinking. Okay, yeah, yeah.
Bring me right to the top of your tree. Oh, I'm the sad tree. I never get mad. Can I be a character? There's a weeping willow over there. Hey, oh my God, that tree is so cool. So dramatic. Bring me to the top, good sir or ma'am or whatever. Why do you need a gun for this? I thought you could just shoot yourself in the air. What are you doing? I need to get the... Ixnay on the gun. Just trust me. Just trust me on this one.
Bring me to the top, good tree. So the tree leans over and puts its hand out and an orb of darkness steps into it that has your weight and feel and voice coming out of it, I guess. Yep. It stands up and then raises its arm up as high as it will go. Okay, so now no one can see me from down there, right? Correct. And so you hear from all the way up at the top of the tree here.
Just taking off my clothes real quick. Ooh, kind of cold up here. Wow. All right. Anyway. Wow. I'm so scared. Oh. So scared. Boy, oh boy. And then like as you're hearing that, you're also hearing just like the fumbling of like metallic sounds as I'm fumbling with a gun. Okay. Okay.
Here I go, jumping off again without clothes. Oh, no, he's going to do it. Wait, Taylor, don't. And I lean back, and then I hide in the branches, and I point the gun down, and I shoot my naked body down towards the ground. And you fall at 500 miles per hour. Like a rocket. A naked Taylor ran an anime rocket. When they shot the rocket, I got up.
You fire a Lieb missile at the ground. Oh no. Go ahead and roll a deception. With advantage? I mean, he's- 16 plus three, 19. Wow. Oh, he rolled 16.
And you beat him. So, as your naked, aerodynamic, weeby form hurls towards the ground, it's last thoughts before disappearing into unconsciousness, being like, oh, I gotta watch Mob Psycho 1000 Season 4. Suddenly, there's a flash of fire, and the familiar form of Nikki Foster...
It just appears with a puff of smoke and a puff of fire. He reaches out his arms and he grabs this weeb bullet right before it hits the ground and all of a sudden its momentum stops. It just goes straight back to hell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
He grabs the weebs, Virgil Taylor, and then looks at you guys and goes, nothing personal. And then disappears. And just disappears back to hell. Fuck. Okay.
And then from the air goes, what was that? From the top of the trees. What was that? Literally, what was any part of that? From the top of the trees of the air. Did it work, guys? Yes, it actually did. Did I put my clothes back on?
Oh, yeah, please do. Why did you change your clothes on? As Hermie taught me, it's important that the method reflects in your performance. Hermie's like, no, no, no, he's got the right idea. That's very cool of Sean. Very well done, very well done. Thank you, Hermie. I knew you were the best, and you continue to be my best friend out of all of these losers. Oh, fuck off. What that did, Miss O'Neil, is prove that we indeed do have a connection to hell. That was just a taste, as you will, of what we can offer you.
If that's a taste, what is the meal? I got it. What is this, Carrie? Please help us retire here. I got a spell that's contact other plane. What? I just told you I had that the whole time, Carrie! It's only supposed to be for emergencies. I brought my dick out for that! Again, why did you take your clothes off?
Can we get a quick scene of Nick with Braille's naked son? Oh, sure, sure, sure. So none of you know about this, but we smash cut to hell, and Nick's like, so how did you lose your clothes? And Dummy Taylor is like, anime. I got it, I got it, I got it. Nani? Nani? Oh, God, you've gone full weeb, haven't you? Here, look me in the eye. Look, hey, hey, hey. Hatsune Miku? No, don't say that. Please don't say that, Hatsune Miku.
Cut back. Well, if you've got a spell that can contact the other plane, then yeah, then that's something. Okay. Let's go for it. All right. Beep boop.
Beep, boop, boop, boop. Beep, boop, beep, boop, beep. It's a spell and a cell phone. A spell phone, if you will. I have to make a DC 15 intelligence saving throw. Okay. And so I will do that. Go for it. Oh, I'm going to finally do something useful, and I give you guidance. Fuck, I fail. What'd you give? I got a 10. Okay, well, how much does guidance give you? 1d4. I won't cut it. Ooh. On a fail, you take 66 psychic damage and are insane until you finish a walk. Oh, no. What?!
Ooh, no. But that's problematic. You can't take actions, can't understand what other creatures say, can't read, can't speak, and speak only in gibberish, a greater restoration spell on you. It's a suspect. Yeah, I don't want to do that because that's weird. I just turn into a valley girl. Oh, you just get put on hold, which means that you're just frozen in place because your mind is connecting to the other player. Oh, I like that. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. You attempt to contact the other player. That would be fun to play, Freddie. Yeah, you know what? Let's not do that.
Let's not do that. Let's just say... It fails. Let's just say that it fails. I'm just trying to come up with some cool colors. I agree. It was a good idea if this were a novel. So it fails, and it fails in such a way that your spell slots are all expelled for the rest of the... You use up your minutes. All your minutes are gone. So... It's still ringing.
Erin sees that going, she goes, so it sounds like Operation Smush the Planes together is looking better and better by the moment, is it not? Excuse me, I'm making a phone call. Hey, Nick, it's scary. No, you have no reason to know me. It's just, I mean, a lot of people do know me. I'm pretty knowable, pretty fearsome. Anyways, what's that? You can't come, but you're still powerful?
Oh, okay. I mean, I don't know. I think everybody's going to be pretty disappointed, but they'll know that you could come and fuck things up at any time. It's a weird phrasing overall. And you're opening a portal to hell?
Yeah, okay, in a few hours after we leave? That's great. That's actually great news. So this entire conversation has really changed around, and now it's good news. Roll deception. Also, Nick, I'm sorry, but the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now. Why? Because he's dead. Roll deception with disadvantage. That's a five. Five.
So she goes, so in your fake phone call to someone, you started it off by saying, oh, you're not making a portal? Can you believe she thinks this is a fake phone call? All right. Miss O'Neil, okay, look here. This is it. Okay, you're right. You got the leverage. We don't have any leverage. And I pick up the flamethrower.
and I turn around and I give it to her. I was like, go ahead. If you want to kill us, then that's what you got to do. But I got to tell you something. We're just kids. It's not our fault that this happened. We're doing our best to try to stop all this. And we read what the dads did. And like, I know that my dad did a lot of bad stuff and so did our dads. And you have every right to be ticked off. But what I read, what I saw in that story, you seemed like a good person. You helped them and you gave them a chance. And I hope you find it in your heart to give
us a chance to because we're just we're going to do our best to help everybody. And I promise if we go and try to find a way to get you to where you need to go, then we are because we don't want to repeat what our dads did. So just while he's doing this, normal is scooching his way towards the grappling gun. OK, why don't you give me persuasion, Matt? And if you do decently well, then that'll give you advantage for your stealth check towards the grappling gun. I got five.
Not even an advantage? No. If you've been trying to convince somebody five times over and then you try it a sixth time, that doesn't mean the sixth time is magical. So you just give me a normal stealth roll trying to get a stealth. Sixth time. I got a 15. Okay, great. So...
You successfully sneak towards the grapple gun. You can basically grab it without a check at this point. You're close enough to it. As you're saying all that Lincoln, Aaron puts a hand on your shoulder and says, if I may, it was never my intention to hurt any of you. You're small, stinky children. You all have your lives in front of you. And it's like you said, you're not to blame for what happened. Your daddy's to blame. Your father's to blame. And I'm sure you have a lot of really lovely solutions percolating in that little brain of yours there. But sometimes...
The only thing that'll quench the anger and the sadness and the fear that you've had for a long time is to sort of, you know, lash out at other people. So that's what I'm going to do to your dad. Okay. Because he killed everyone on this planet, sort of, in a sense. And that's okay. You'll get over it, big boy. Who's my special boy? Who's my brave boy? Is it you? She's pointing at you. Is it though? What's happening with the grappling hook? I grab the grappling gun and fire it at the son. Why?
Wow. Okay. Roll dexterity with advantage because nobody's looking at you. And while he is doing that, I want to kick her. Right before I do it, I give a cool guy nod to Link and I like bulge my eyes like in like a hero's shed no tears, that job movie where like the guy and his kid communicate by blinking at each other. I'm going to kick her in the shin. You're going to kick her in the shin. I'm trying to grab the flamethrower back.
I got an 18. Whoa! Okay, so with an 18, with the dexterity of the caped crusader himself, your grapnel gun extends out on a really, really, really, really long chain, longer than should be able to fit a gun this size. The talons clasp around the sun, and then...
It gets reeled back in and you see the shadows all growing taller and moving very suddenly. And all the trees immediately get up and sort of look and try to see what's going on with the sun. There's one sunflower that's so fucking confused right now. It just goes snap, snap, snap, snap, snap. And suddenly the sun is at the end of the grapnel gun and the grapnel gun is completely retracted. So it's near your hand. You can feel the heat radiating off it. It's really intense heat. Roll constitution. Constitution.
It's kind of like the gravity gun in the end of Half-Life 2. I guess it kind of is, yeah. 15. Okay, so with a 15, you're only going to take 1d10 damage. 1d10? Mamma mia. Yes. Grant sees all this happen and he goes, the box! Get the box! He tries to struggle, but two trees are holding him. But he's nodding at the box that he brought the parcels in. I was going to say, did I successfully get the flamethrower? Why don't you roll... I would assume that grabbing the sun is a good disadvantage or me advantage for...
Like she'd be just like, she's probably turning to look at the sun. Yes, I would. I would agree. Go ahead and give me a sleight of hand or a dexterity with advantage to try to snatch someone's shins. Well, I'm going to kick her or pull the gun. I think I'd be pulling it. I think it's like one action. It's like when you like steal a basketball. There's a big slap. 22. Wow. Yeah. You basketball slap it the fuck out of her hands and then catch it before it hits the ground. I catch it on my foot and flip it up and back in my hand. Perfect. Nice.
All right. So you've got the sun. You've got the flamethrower. I'm going to try to slide tackle in and sweep the box. Okay. Go ahead and give me an athletics roll. 18. All right. So you effortlessly with muscle memory that your heart has been trying so hard to kick out of your brain, you use your expert soccer skills to slide tackle and grab the box. You now possess it. And Taylor flips his hair in a cool ass way and goes like, well done team. I think
Ms. O'Neil, I think it's time we renegotiate this deal. I think it's time we make like a tree and leave. Oh, I get it now. Run! She's it! And I run. Everyone runs. Great. You all start sprinting toward the way that you came in and the ground. The big meat gap. The big hole of meat.
Yeah, you try to head back towards the meat sphincter from whence you entered the cavern, the undergrove. And your hearts are beating hard enough and you're scared enough that for the first couple of seconds, you don't realize that the ground is shaking. And you think that, oh, maybe something's chasing us from behind. It's best not to look around. But then in front of you, you see the ground is still beginning to shake and jiggle, jiggle.
And not the tallest tree, but certainly the widest tree that you've ever seen. Claws its way out of the ground. What? The widest tree. Oh, I think it's the whitest. A verified General Sherman. The stoutest boy tree that you have ever seen. The stoutest tree you've ever seen.
claws its way out of the ground, and the center of its trunk opens and you see fangs with sap dripping from them and inside moist, pulpy, kind of papery, like wood substance inside. And it belches at you and it raises its hands down to slam all of you. Hey Link. What's up? Guess what kind of tree takes notes.
Oh, I've been thinking of this one. A note-meg tree. A what tree? A note-meg. We're going to die. That's so good! That's what I was going for! Our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell us it'll be a lie, so we sleep at night. No one knows me better than myself.
We got to pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. For tomorrow makes the care change. We got to pick ourselves up today, no, not today. Just start looking back tomorrow.
Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlo. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Shout out this week to some of our fine Patreon supporters. People such as Amanda Egbert, Jake Coltrane, Eamon O'Donovan, Theo R., Bryce T., Quince, Kyler Giesink,
Justin Headley, Random Stuff Studio, Kyle Kochenek, Ben McD, Billy Chambers, Joshua Call, Diana Raphael Cameron, Lady Draconis, Charles, Kyle, The One Who Asked Why, Pat W., and Adam Okerberg. Hey, are you all caught up and looking for other D&D podcasts like this one? You might try another D&D podcast or The Adventure Zone or Rude Tales of Magic. You can check out our subreddit for more recommendations. But do you know what the best other D&D podcast is?
That's easy. It's our show, our after show podcast that we do on our Patreon. That's right. You can support this show directly and get more content on our Patreon. Here's how that works. You pay us five bucks a month or more if you want, and you get instant access to a huge back catalog of bonus content, talking dad slash team talk, which is our after show we do after every episode all the way back to season one. There's also stuff like videos of our live shows, full on bonus campaigns and other RPG systems. Three episodes of a podcast called debate me cow where I did.
feet mat in debates on incredibly important topics like if pepperoni is a good pizza topping it's not I'll tell you that much go check that out especially if you're hankering for more content we get that a lot on our twitter and our subreddit people ask about that well
give our Patreon a shot. You can check out our website at dungeonsanddaddies.com slash Patreon to see all the bonus content that we've put out so far. A lot of hours, a lot of hours on there. So just fill it up with, you know, the stuff that was too funny for the main feed. Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads. Our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our store, store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies. And our next episode comes out to November 15th. We will see you then. ♪ We gotta pick our stuff today, no not today ♪ ♪ For tomorrow makes we can change ♪
Will, you missed an incredible pun there. You could have said, I don't know this guy that well, and I don't know this guy that well either. Jesus. Oh, well.