S2 Ep. 19 - Pop Punk
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Taylor's mom has got it going. Yeah, my mom has got... My mom's got a new boyfriend in her life. He defeated the mayor and treats her nice. Treats her nice.

My first impression of him was a little bit sus. So if he breaks her heart, then I'll rip out his nuts. I have particular skills that douchebags fear. Skills I've acquired from a very long career.

I just wish to express that my mom is the very best.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is, in fact, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast that tells the story of four teens from our world, which wasn't our world originally, but they came back to our world to save it because their grandparents fucked it up. D&D. It's in the game. It's in the game. It's in the rolls. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the ranger teen of the group.

This week's teen fact, you know, we've gotten to know Hermie pretty well, I think, over the course of the last few episodes, becoming an integral part of the team, I have to say. So Taylor's favorite Joker depiction in cinema and television would be Hisoka, the wild and zany villain from the Hunter X Hunter series who bears quite a bit of resemblance to everyone's favorite clown. That's his favorite version of the Joker. I for sure thought this was going to go in a Joker from Persona 5 direction, but.

I am pleasantly surprised. No, no, no. Taylor read the assignment and he said, this character archetype exists across many media. Oh, wow. Yeah, this is the Joker. Yeah. You want to see the Joker, but the Japanese take on it? That's a Joker. That's a Joker. Hey, guys, what did the Joker say to the lamb he was getting wool off of? Why so sheer he is? I like that. Hey, everybody. My name is Lincoln Lee Wilson. His name is Lincoln Lee Wilson. My name is Lincoln Lee Wilson, and I'm played by Matthew Arnold.

Wow. Hi, I'm Matt Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson. Yeah, Lincoln Lee Wilson. All right. You know, you got big, big mileage doing this conversation with yourself last episode. I'm a schooled at home sports kid, soccer kid who's a protective paladin of the group. Little fact about Lincoln. So honestly, his big aspiration is to be a professional soccer player if he had to be something else, his runner up.

his secondary job he wants to be is a scientist. That's all he thinks. He's like, I want to be a scientist. And specifically he was inspired when he thinks of a scientist is essentially just Kevin Costner from Waterworld. He's just like, I want to make pee into water. Like, I just think that's really cool. Like, like maybe if I can't be a soccer player, it'd be really cool to be able to like make pee into water. Like that seems like a cool job. He's not going to get away from Pissfoot Gumtoucher as his nickname at this rate.

I believe that's a class project in the urology department. Yeah. Oh, yes. It's his favorite class. I was literally about to be like, it's child's play to make pee into water, but how do you make water into pee? And I was like, by drinking it. That's the solution they've solved. The scientists are working on the opposite.

Wait, yeah, Anthony. Now we're back on Earth. Is it a water world scenario where we're on the only land and the rest of the world is like covered in the oceans? No. That's how Earth just is. Earth changes better because all the humans left. I mean, yeah, you described every planet with land and oceans. We're on the land and the rest is covered by... That's like by default. Isn't that how it works? Wait, isn't that where we in Los Angeles are right now? It's like we're in Waterworld. Dude, this is just like the movie Waterworld. In a world where 70% of the world is covered by water. Yeah. Think about it. Think about it.

Yeah, man. You know what? You're also naked under your clothes. You know that? Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos naked under my clothes. I play Taylor. I don't play Taylor Swift. Why did I say that? Get the fuck out of my lane. I play Normal Oak. He's a mascot. He's mixed up. He's a bitch. He's a lover. He's whatever the rest of the song is. A child. He's a mother. He's a child. He's a mother. He's a sinner. He's a saint. He's a cleric. And

And a normal fact about normal this week is normal has Invisalign. He's got braces, but because they're invisible, he lost them. And he has not told his parents that he lost his Invisalign a while ago. He's just like, yeah, working as is. They're going great. He flashes a quick smile and they're like, well, we can't see him. We can't see him. Do you feel him in there? And he just nods. He's like, for sure. I for sure do. They are under his bed. He is not found.

They definitely give you like new trays every two weeks, but that's just me. I guess you don't wear them forever, right? No, you switch them out. Here's what happened. He lost a couple pairs, but his parents keep getting him the new ones. Oh, he's way too far behind. He's way too far behind. The new ones do not fit. So right now he's just been kind of low key pushing the back of his teeth with his tongue to try to shove his teeth down.

far enough. He's like, oh mom, wait, let me just put them in. And he just like does the motion. He wears it for two seconds and the pain is excruciating when he spits them out. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play scary Marlo, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about scary this week is that our favorite goth joke is

is how did the goth kid break up with his girlfriend? How? He sang her You Are My Sunshine. And she just loves that because she hates You Are My Sunshine.

Because it's not goth. True. True to her brand. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. I call my dad by his first name. I want to make sure he doesn't think we're too intimate. We've been batch recording some of these episodes, so nothing new has happened in my life. So I don't have any additional Anthony facts to give you. Is the tattoo coming along? It's OK. It hurts more and more every time I go. Every time I'm like this time, my body will have gotten used to it. And it doesn't. It doesn't get used to it. It looks.

pretty cool though. It does look cool. Thanks. He's all on the color so like we've seen the whole like kind of design and look it looks fucking badass. No it looks really nice. You guys we're all saying that the colors look right because it's colored by I can't tell right? Yeah I can't tell. Yeah. Also it's on your back so you can't see it. Yeah so I can never see it so I don't know why I did it. How does it feel being a walking monument to art that you will never experience and enjoy yourself? You mean like how I can't enjoy this podcast? Yeah. Oh! Oh!

So when we last left you, you had managed to send Larkin Sparrow back to Earth. You had a...

long, weird conversation with your parents back on Earth. Willie is dating everyone's parents. Just Taylor's. He's a real man about town. And you know what? Listen, I hope my mom's happy. Oh, she is. You then headed for the city to go find Terry Jr. Holy shit. How did we not see that one coming? Oh, the Black Parade thing? Yeah. Just because I kept saying the city? Yeah. That was my four nights of this season. Enjoy everyone. I love it.

I see a marching band. You found your father. Your father took you, a young girl, into the city to see a marching band. You saw the Black Parade, which is a bunch of dour-looking people in sort of black cloaks carrying instruments. They're marching down Gerard Way. That's great. That's pretty good. And Terry sort of led you into the city with the pussy wagon waiting for you back on the overlook above the city. What's the pussy wagon do? Does the pussy wagon get hairballs? Yeah, I assume so. Fascinating.

You are descending towards the city and Terry basically turns to you and he whispers, he goes, there's just something I need to get from one of the people in the parade. It's a tape measure around their waist. I just need to get that and then we can go. We can get out of here. Well, we're not going to see what they're doing or anything. They all look so cool. Yeah, they're very cool. That's my worry. You don't want to- Well, now that you said they were cool, now that makes them less

them less cool. Okay, great. Good. Yes, stick with that. I don't want you to think that they're cool. So you're saying they're cool? Yeah, they're really cool. God damn it. No. Look, just try not to listen to them. If you listen to their music too much, if you pay too much attention to what they're saying or the noises they make, you'll probably end up joining them. Well, is it because they're just making good points? That's like...

That's a good thing, right? Like if somebody's saying something and then you're like, oh yeah, that's a good idea. Like you should like, right. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. Why are you advocating for them? I don't know. I don't know anything about that. I'm just wondering why it would be bad if we agreed with what they're saying. If we like hung out with them because they like eat people and stuff. I wouldn't agree with that. So like bury the lead there. Yeah. Sorry. No. Yeah. They just a little of us that if we heard somebody say we want to eat people, we'd be like, oh, that sounds like a good idea. We've got good work. Well, I mean, if you were here for long enough, it wouldn't seem that insane. Like they just wander around the city.

Sometimes going out on parading parties and they take people and they either bring you into the parade to make the parade bigger or they just sort of feed on you. Oh. Well, that sounds like we should join them because I don't want to get eaten. I mean, we don't have to. We could kind of do neither, Taylor. Why do we have to? I mean, it seems like you're kind of throwing in the towel pretty quick. Well, what's the third option? What is this tape measure about? What do we need the tape measure for? The tape measure is for dealing with the doodler, for handling the doodler. Oh, like you did before, huh? Oh, dang. Oh, God. We're on to that now. Oh.

Oh, we're under that? No, that's what he says. Nice. And I'm pointing at him. Yeah, no. We found a way to kill the dealer. Without that tape measure, I can't do it. How about you explain what it does? Yeah. It's called the Schrodinger's Tape Measure. It was sent to us by Ryan Peterson. Thank you, Ryan. It's a tape measure that allows you to use perspective to incorrectly measure an object and then make them that actual size. Kind of like in the game Superliminal. Yes. Oh.

If you're looking at something in the distance and however big it is to you with your current perspective, you can then sort of like transfer that size and make it really that big in physical space. You measure like a tower and it's like two inches and all of a sudden you have a little two inch tower in front of you. Exactly. Or the inverse where you do something that's close to you and then it becomes massive if you move it to the distance. That's the most overpowered item in the history. It would be hard to make it bigger though. It actually sounds pretty smart. Yeah, it's only got one use on it. Oh.

So what do you want to use it for? We want to use it to make something big enough to kill the doodler. Or make the doodler small enough. Yeah, but we can't see the ends of the doodlers. That wouldn't work. It's too big. Hmm.

But you do see his butthole. It makes his butthole really small. And then he can't poop anymore. Eventually. And then he dies because he gets all toxic inside. Yeah. His eye's narrow and he's actually thinking about it. It's like, wait, would that work? Some people call me a genius. I was gifted for my class. I read at a fifth grade level. I don't think that would work. I don't think we've ever really seen too much of the doodler's poop. I think it may be like gaseous or something or invisible. I don't think that would work. I don't think.

I mean, maybe it's worth trying. No, no, it's not worth trying. No, we're going to do my thing. True geniuses rarely recognize it's time. But we talked to Mr. Larkin Sparrow and they, I mean, yeah, I mean, we're not really cool with the idea of like killing this whole world or whatever. So like, I don't know. I don't think we should like stop you, but like we

We're trying to think of another way. Yeah. Okay. That's what I came here to do. Dang. You came here to stop me. I came here to stop you or to tell you that, uh, uh, you're not allowed to be with my mom anymore unless you start following my rules. Cause I've got a secret person who's giving me better ideas. And, um, her name is April missed. Well, and, um,

Who's April? She's a friend that's dating Taylor's mom. And not who you think it is, but...

um quick teen huddle quick teen huddle without you for a second okay okay all right teen hell sacred space hey i just i'm with you scary uh larkin sparrow really kind of like they got real freaked out when we talked about the w man so maybe we just kind of smooth over that don't quite make it sound like we let the guy out how's that what do you think i mean why don't you want him to know that it's

willie we don't want him to know okay because he's gonna freak out and he's not gonna like my ideas which are really willie's ideas but it's like think about what this dude did terry jr not only did he fucking marry my mom but he fucking killed a whole planet basically and he's responsible for that and he's not taking responsibility and somebody's got to make him pay and if not pay then just

find another way to do this. Okay. Well, yeah, it's your dad. So like, if you don't want us to tell him, I'm so sorry. I said that. No, no, it's these Terry Jr. Is just a butthole that you don't like, but he's in your family kind of. And if you don't want us to tell him about Willie, that's, that's cool. We're your friends. So we won't do that. Right guys. We'll just won't, I guess, tell. Yeah. It's scary. This is your play. This is your situation. So we'll back you up, but I just, I don't know.

what to think about anybody right now. I kind of don't trust any adult in any situation we're in. Well, I definitely don't trust the adults that told us what to do my entire life, you know? Like, at least Willie lets us come up with our own options and thinks highly of us and enough to make our own decisions. Okay.

Yeah, I guess that kind of tracks. I mean, like, what do we do now? What do you want to do with your stepdad? Do we want to help him out? Do we want to just leave? Like, do we do we take him with us? Like, definitely don't take him with us. I mean, maybe we get the maybe. OK, yeah, I think I think we don't let these adults, you know, F up the situation anymore. And like, maybe we we help them. But with the agreement that we get the ruler and we'll figure out a better way to use it than like,

blowing up this world. I think maybe we should keep that to ourselves. I'm taller than him, man. The four of us can overpower him. Yeah, I know, but like, I kind of want to hear what happened with like Nick too. Yeah. Well, all I know is that everyone seemed to turn against my dad. So yeah, let's, yeah, we didn't ask Logan Sparrow. Let's ask him what's up with your dad. Here's what I'm saying. The only thing I'm going to throw out there is if they need this tape measure, we're all in agreement. We don't want,

this planet to blow up right we don't want them to do whatever they want but he doesn't know that yet so whatever he wants to do with this tape measure he's going to try to get it without us if we don't do it so it's better if we get it and then we can take it as I'm saying yeah we go with him but we don't need to tell him that we're going to take it before we take it oh sure yeah we can surprise him yeah okay knock him on the back of the head sounds good tie him up let's try to get on his good side I guess and I just want to throw out there that I'm not 100% into not killing this world because so far so far so far

Everyone we've met in this world sucks. Yeah, but these are cool, like, goth musicians, so maybe they'll be pretty metal. They could suck, too. The workers at Papa John's were fine. They were, like, stuck there. Like, it's like they're just normal people, just, like, forced to work and stuff. Okay. All right. Cheryl was kind of a bitch, though.

Okay. All right. Well, yeah. Do you want to ask him about Nick? Yeah. Hey. March back up to Terry Jr. I poke a finger right into his sternum. Ow. Poke, poke, poke. Ow. Hey, what'd you do to my dad? What the hell happened there? I want your side. I've heard many sides of this story, but now I'm coming to you. Yeah. No. Yeah. Your dad, Nicholas. Yeah. Nikki. Basically, we had talked over potentially pulling Code Purple again and trying to trap the doodler in hell to kill it.

he refused and said that if we tried to do something like that then we would basically be declaring war on hell and that he would open a portal from hell and then try to basically attack us in the Forgotten Realms where we all lived with you he might have been bluffing he might have not been but we decided we couldn't trust him because he knew all the codes for everything and daddies and how to get to everything so he knew like everyone's passwords yeah sure and we

we uh figured we had to stop him we betrayed him we turned on our friend and uh he does not look proud of what he uh did and he cannot meet you in the eyes as he says this but he was he did threaten to like send hell onto this earth too yeah if we tried to activate code purple to send the doodler to his home for you it sounds like all of you guys kind of like got this whole situation up thanks

I'm just saying, I mean, yeah, I'm with my boy back here, but like honest feedback. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're not wrong. We tried our best and our best was nowhere near good enough. I hope you can do better. I guess. I don't know. You're going to have to. Yeah. Yeah, we are. So are you going to help me get this tape measure? Yeah, sure.

Yes. I will help you. Telekazos slides his fingers down back and crosses his fingers. And just so that everyone else can see, he's also fibbing. He leads you down into the city and you sneak behind the broken remains of a building. Okay, so there's about 100 people in the freight all together. And the person who has our tape measure is probably going to be in like the brass section. So there's probably only about...

Way to narrow it down, Anthony. 15, 20 people in that group. But if I know anything about brass section players, that's the tip of the spear. That's the tip of the spear. That's the hardest section of any marching band. It's actually kind of the only section of any marching band. I guess there's the drum line. There's the drum line. The D line, right? Is that the call? The D line? Flag, flag, flag. Okay. All right. And then the flag twirlers. Yeah. The baton twirlers. Bassinets. Bassinets? Yeah, a bunch of babies and cribs.

Bassinet? What do you... Bassoon? Is a bassoon a marching band instrument? I think so. There's woodwinds, right? There's woodwinds. There's clarinets. There is clarinets. That's what I was thinking. I like bassinets because they're people pushing babies. And the babies are playing bassoons. That's cute. That's a Dr. Seuss book all of a sudden. Twelve bassinets with a bassoon playing.

babies so we don't have to fight them we can find a way to steal this yeah this is yeah maybe there's also the person who leads the man the drum leader drum major is there like somebody in charge with in front with the fucking drum major usually that's mickey mouse yeah usually yeah the mickey mouse character yes there's a fraud he's in the front and then she is a woman um there's the drum major in the front that you have to avoid at all costs because if he talks to you he is going to almost

almost certainly brainwash you so make sure you don't listen to him if he sees you. They basically do a route around the city with some regularity. I didn't have much of a plan. I know I'm going to win. I know no matter what I'm going to get the tape measure to you

but I don't actually. Wait, why does this one person have it? It's just like wrapped around their waist? Because they had it when they came here to do something and then they got captured. Who is it? Oh, an old friend of mine named Vince. Oh. He's going to be kind of hard to see because he's only two dimensional. He's two dimensional? Yeah. It's only when he turns you can sort of see his full body. But the tape measures will be like a floating tape measure sometimes. Sometimes there'll be a floating tape measure. Yes.

Yeah. But he's been brainwashed. So he doesn't recognize you. No. Oh, OK. Well, he'll be easy to find then. Well, actually, sorry. He probably does recognize me. He just doesn't care anymore. The stories, I don't know for sure because nobody who goes into the Black Parade comes back. What I've heard is that you basically are convinced by the drum major and the music that you're hearing that nothing means anything, that it's completely pointless, everything's super dark and there's no respite from the darkness. And

That therefore the best thing you can do is just join them and, you know, feast on flesh and play the sad elegy for existence in this group until you decay and die. Where's the lie, my dude? See, this is why I didn't want you to come in, because it felt like it would be very appealing to you. Well, if it's so appealing and I'm so good at being like that, maybe I should infiltrate the Black Parade. Do you play any instruments, Gary? Well, no, but I'm trying.

Yeah, aren't you in a band? Yeah, I'm in a band. I'm just looking for people who play instruments. Actually, this could be a great recruiting tool for me. Stop laughing. Well, you probably sing, right? Yeah, I sing really well. Yeah, so yeah, calm down, Taylor. She's probably a really good singer. That was Freddie laughing. It was my best Freddie laughing at her fun improv.

Can we just plug our ears and then we won't listen to you in your room? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Earplugs. Can't we just roll in all gummed up with stuff in our ears? Can you show us how to be like, can we all dress cool? I've never dressed cool before. We all dress cool and we put earplugs in and we can all infiltrate. You'll be like the front of the cool goth group that we are. I mean, there's a bunch of derelict clothing stores around here if you wanted to secondhand clothes. The ultimate goth move. The vintage. Hell yeah. Okay, let's go shopping, boys.

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All right. So as the Black Parade is moving around in the distance, you can still hear them, but you can hear they're far enough away that you can more or less safely head into these clothing stores. What's the rest of the city like? So like people who aren't in the Black Parade, are they like just living around? As you go through the city, you see haggard, worn down people with a lot of fear in their eyes. You see a lot of movement out of the corner of your eyes constantly as people seem to dart away from you or lean out from dark corners, try to watch you go. You see corpses all along the ground in various stages of decay.

Are there like teeth bites? Are people eating the corpses? Yeah, there are pieces of the corpses missing. As always, the undulating underbelly of the doodler is above you and the lights from the city reflect off of its slimy, scaly, inscrutable exterior. Looking up panics you normal. It's been a while since you've been outdoors and had the ability to focus on anything. So you're going to be a little bit freaked out by the fact that you're under

under. Oh, damn it. That's right. You're taking poison damage. Basically, anything that is in downtown L.A., there is a decayed shitty version of it here because that's what this is. So whatever you'd like to explore and find here while also running the risk of running into either the parade or potentially, you know, other

raiders and banditry and monsters here so this is the last bookstore right but it only carries sylvia plath no the sylvia plath ones are probably all gone because the black raid there's a lot of like family circus left like family circus chicken soup for the soul yeah

God. If we want to join this parade to getting close, how do we make sure that we become the guys they join and not the guys they eat? Well, I guess we'll have to be like the perfect goths. Did the band, do they have a uniform? Yeah, if you want to get close enough to sort of see what they look like. I'll just use my monocular.

Remember I have a little golf distance monocular? Oh, you do. Yes, you do. So black is obviously the color du jour or the lack of color du jour. They're about three wood distance. Yeah, they're wearing all kinds of black. Some of them look like they're wearing cool post-apocalyptic like leather shit that's torn and asymmetrical in interesting ways. Some of them are just...

Some of them are just wearing torn up fucking black hoodies that are basically rags and tatters. Some of them are wearing, you know, full black dresses that have big rat holes in them, but in a cool tasteful like Tim Burton-y corpse bra. Some of them look like goth kids. Some of them look like computer programmers. And other ones look like a hella bomb car from a Tim Burton anime.

Yes. Okay. So we just got to get that aesthetic. What are the stores? We got to find some stores. Yes, Gary. How do we look like you? Cause you like already like you fit in pretty well already. Yeah. We go to this place called Ho Topic. Oh, the tea fell out. My sweet summer child. Wait, why? Is this not a good store? No, I don't know why I said that. Um, it's a, I see they have some anime stuff now. Yeah. It's a lot of like cool music coming out and stuff like that.

Anyways, all you gotta do to be a good goth girl or boy is, like, take all the love you have for yourself. Okay. Throw it out. Yeah. Nobody loves you. And if anybody tries to love you, what gives them the right? Mm.

Throw out the love you have for yourself? Hell yeah. Oh man, I don't know if I can... Okay, I think I'm going to have to help myself do this by visualizing it. So I'm going to put all the love I have for myself in a fingernail. I'm going to load it into a gun. I'm going to point it. Okay, this is the love for myself. I shoot myself into the sky. So you shoot in the sky? So a naked Link flies in the sky and he goes like, I love myself!

I hate myself. I hate myself. And he goes, I love me. I love me. And then as he starts to fall, he goes, it's fine. My love will protect me. You're going to die in a second. And he goes, no, not love. Love saves all. Love conquers all. And he hits the ground and shatters into fingernails that then dissolve. And Terry puts his hand on your gun and goes, what the fuck was that? They can hear us now. They started gunshot. Whatever, man. They're going to come for us. Who cares? Wow. He really embodied it. Yeah. Wow. It's so much easier, Scary. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to do what's called displacement. So I find a, like a jar and I write down on a piece of paper, everything I like about myself. I'm like, I'm putting it all in this jar and I'm going to leave this jar behind this dumpster. And it's just there and it's there when I need it. But right now it's not here and it's not in me. Yeah. It's pretty lame. Yeah. Well, you suck. Yeah.

Right? Is that right, Scary? Yeah, that's totally right. Good. I don't care. I knew it was right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. No. I will take all the love I have for myself, the abundance of it. Look at this nerd. And channel it into...

Vice President Kaguya Shino Miya, the character from one of my favorite animes. My love for myself will now just double into that. I hate myself. All right. Yeah. Okay. Now let's get close. Yeah, this world sucks. Okay. A whole new voice time.

Okay. So we're in a hot topic. Let's get in this hot topic. Scary. What do you see in here? Okay. What jumps out? There's a nice, um, is there like black stuff left over? There's too much black stuff to take. Even if they, they all grabbed enough, it would be like what? Like house of the dragon fits some new twilight hoodies. There's more than a few t-shirts with like Stewie from family guy on them. Uh,

I care of one of those. There's a black. It is black. There's a lot of like, whatever you laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mean people suck. Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them. A lot of South Park T-shirts with like chef on them, like really old ones. Like, I guess chef comes back around. This is like three Wolf Moon, but it's Edward Cullen on them across three things. And I'm going to take this black Sharpie and like cross out his eyes. Whoa.

Goth Normal sees all this stuff and he's like, you know what? This stuff is too consumerist for me. This stuff is too mainstream. I'm going to go to that store over there. And he walks off. Well, hey, Norm, wait, wait. Okay, I'll come with you. We'll meet back here, guys. Okay, Normal was going to the men's warehouse. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Come with me, scary. You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it. God damn it. And so the normal emerges from the men's warehouse, like in a nice, like three piece suit with like the sleeves rolled up. And he's like, yeah, it's like, you know, the whole black goth scene is so poser, right? It's everyone's like, you know, my, I carry my darkness on the inside. And so on the outside, I wear an ironic mockery of everything that I hate. Norm, you need to back off. Cause you've been like this for two minutes and I've been like this for two months. So.

Well, you know what, Scary? I don't give two shits what you think. I don't give two shits. That's what I said. Stop copying me. I'm not copying you. You're copying me because you're copying my entire existence, okay? I win no takesie-backsies. So Terry, who sort of runs up to catch up to me, he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, can we all just calm down? Like, you can't be at each other's throats.

and stuff like you have to you're gonna have to stick together oh my god i'm so sorry you know i'm just i've been trying to get into character here because it seems like this is what we kind of have to do to operate but you're the adult and you're in charge so what do you think we should do who's this lame-o scary and link walks out and he's wearing the pink floyd shirt but backwards so the prism's on the outside and he has a sticker that looks like an i voted sticker but it says i sharted and then he's wearing a black soccer jersey wrapped around his waist and he's wearing

Long skinny jeans, but one leg is completely torn. So he's like bare on one leg and then he's got full jean on the other leg. And he's barefoot. What's up, guys? Link, you are so cool, man. Oh, man. It's whatevs. Check out these digs. And then Taylor comes out as well. But he just has like a Goku shirt on. It's just like a really cool Goku sweatshirt. Sad Jinkos and a Goku. Sad Jinkos and a Goku sweatshirt and like three wallet chains. Great.

I love it. All right, Nark. Yeah, what's this loser guy talk to us about? That's his loser guy talk to us about. That's what people say, just Nark, right? I never knew what Nark meant. Nark means... It's something bad. Good. Yeah.

So yeah, Terry says like, well, okay, what's your plan? Do you just want to go up and join? You don't want to like ambush him? Because what do you want to do? So I wear these when I go to sleep every night and normal pulls out the crustiest pair of earplugs you've ever seen in your life. So I'm going to pop these bad boys in just so I don't hear the siren song of darkness from the leader of the band. That was my plan. Yeah, I picked up some of these like really at the Salvation Army. I just got like some headphones. They don't have a cord and they don't work, but like

I'm just going to put them on and just like, you know, they can blossom your own music. No, it doesn't work, man. There's nothing. There's no power in this. I was just going to put some like cloth and just essentially just make like earmuffs. And I have some Jack Skellington earmuffs that I got at Hot Topic just now. I've popped out the eyes of this Funko Pop and these little black beady eyes are going to fit right into my ear holes. Oh, God. OK, I guess I'll yeah, I'll get some cotton balls from that CVS. Stupid. OK, can you pick us all the Croys? Yeah.

while you're there though uh yeah no they left the croys mango please mango please so

So he comes out with a handful of mango LaCroix's and some Pringles. And he goes like, okay, hey, this is kind of nice. What? Spending time with you all. What? Stop. Okay, fair enough. I can't hear what's going on. All right, what's the plan? How are we going to... We just got to get Vince or whatever? We just got to get him, right? We just got to get this. Yeah. Yeah, we got to get him and we got to get his tape measure. Can they ever like take a break? Oh, I have an idea. Yeah, they camp down for the night and sleep. What's your idea? If we can kind of like see which direction the parade is going, we could set up a bunch of like a fence.

right? Which is like has two inch gaps enough so that tape measure can go through. And so anyone who's three dimensional will just stop at the fence, but then Vince will just slide right through like a filter, like a sieve. You know what I'm saying? You're saying we set up a filter for Vince, but everyone else will get stopped. Everyone else gets stopped. I would Vincent go through everybody else. He's two dimensional. Yeah.

But he's not an idiot. You don't think that when the front of the parade stops, everybody else wouldn't also stop? Fuck, you're right. Is Vince at the front of the parade? Yeah, right. Yeah, I'm just going to throw out there that there's a two-dimensional lobby for Vince that we could use physics against. Well, I mean, if they go to sleep and stuff, can't we just follow from the rooftops like the Batman and just watch him and then wait until he goes to sleep and then we just ambush him when he's asleep? If we could climb these buildings, this would be a bunch easier. Let's just follow him until he falls asleep. If we were Spider-Boys. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It seemed like a safe decision rather than trying to steal it from like, like what's the deal? Basically once a night, they all go to sleep. They obviously have scouts and they take watches on rotation to make sure they don't get ambushed. But it seems like the easier, the smartest time to infiltrate. Yeah. Like we could get a nap in and I could use my nightcap to contact April, my friend. Oh yeah. And see if Terry narrows his eyes. She has an idea of what to do. Okay. Yeah. I think we follow the distance until nightfall. Okay.

Give me one stealth role as a group.

21. Natural 24. I got a 4. I got a 16. The average is out to a 16.25. Great. Okay, so that is a very good stealth roll. So you managed to covertly follow the Black Parade around. And you see, as you were following them, that they come across one of the dispossessed people that you saw before that was trying to hide in one of the alleys. It tries to run from them as quick as it can, but the drum major signals to the instruments behind them and they play a...

It just sounds like kickoff. It doesn't really sound like music to you, at least not through your earplugs and at least not at this distance. But the guy stops and sort of turns around against his will and comes back to them. And you see the drum major whisper something to the guy and his shoulders slump. And he sort of nods and walks looking down at his feet into the parade. And then once he's about halfway through the crowd, the crowd pounces on him and you just hear a lot of

tearing and you don't even hear screaming. We feel the vibrations of low frequency impacts. Yeah. Because we got earplugs in and we just see like maybe like bones flying in the air and stuff. Sure. Yeah. They throw individual bones into the air like no more. Just bones. Just bones.

You're like, wow, wow. Wow, guys, that's pretty hardcore. And then they bed down for the night in their different instrument sections. There are four sentries put up basically on the corners of the parade. Are they like in an outdoor camp? Like where are they? They just stop in the middle of an intersection. Oh, just like wherever they were, they just stopped. Yeah. Like a roaming army. Yeah, they set up some tents and stuff. But yeah, otherwise they're just there. They're just in the intersection. I think he gets really homesick when he sees all these tents being set up. Wow, tent city over here.

Now, is there any buildings around them that we can get an overview looking down at them? Yeah, absolutely. It's downtown, so there's a lot of skyscrapers and stuff. Like derelict skyscrapers. Yes. Cool. A lot of them are actually, the tops of them are crushed or circumcised by the doodler's appearance in the sky because it's, you know. Oh.

It's so low to the ground. Do we see Vincent from here? Can we see which bed he's in? If you want to roll investigation or perception. Yeah, I'll roll investigation with my monocle. Taylor, what do your elf eyes see? My elven eyes. What do your golf eyes see? 19 plus 5, 24. Wow. Okay, so you scan the brass section and you see somebody with... You know what it is? You know what it is? These golf things often have like a built-in meter to find the flag pin. What?

They'll look for like the flag pin. So they'll automatically figure out where the hole is. And like Vince is at just the right angle. So he looks like a flag pin. Like it's just oblique enough that the golf viewfinder automatically detects him. And like, guys, he's just a seven iron away. You find him very easily. He turns a little bit to be parallel to you so you can see his whole body. And he just looks like Mr. Game and Watch. He's holding a trombone in one arm and around his waist is a tape measure. And he is parallel to you. And then he basically goes to sleep by just like...

Like falls over in like one frame flat against the ground. His face in two frames of animation goes honk shoe, honk shoe. And yeah, the parade is more or less sleeping apart from their sentries. What would you like to do? Okay. Now's our chance. Let's go. Let's sneak in. Let's just take a quick look at our spells and see if anything can help us here. So before you sneak in, Terry puts a hand on Scary's shoulder and says, hey, I need to tell you something. What? I don't think I make it out of this part.

What? The last time we saw each other, I was talking about the secret and not keeping stuff from you and all that stuff. And you didn't want to talk about it. We don't have to talk about it. I just think you need to know so you don't freak out about it when it happens. But yeah, there's an item that we had in Daddy's HQ. I don't know if you found it, but it was called the Die Another Day. It was like you could roll it and you would see what happens where you die. And I used that.

And I'm pretty sure it's here. Wait, I mean, like, I don't care, obviously, but... Yeah, no, that's great. That's cool. Yeah, I just wanted to do it so it didn't freak you out. Do you know how it happens? All I know is that I see myself surrounded by the Black Parade. Something hits me in the head. I go down. And in the distance, I can see you. And I think you're holding the tape measure. So I'm pretty sure it's here that it happened. So just...

Don't freak out when it happens, because I told you now. So spoilers, huh? It's fine. You're cool. Yeah, it's cool. It's totally cool. Yeah, no big deal, right? No big deal. Yeah, I left a letter for Veronica back at the house, so it's all taken care of. Well, I mean, she's going to be pretty cheesed off if you just leave a letter. So maybe you should stick around or something. Yeah, no, I mean, what if I could? Yeah. Well, maybe you should just stay here, and then I'll stay here so you know that we're not...

I don't even know why I care or anything, but I don't. But maybe I should just stay here and then the guys can go get the thing.

Are you sure? Yeah. I mean, it's not a big deal or anything, but so yeah. Okay. Cause I'm, you know, I'm a little like in the head right now cause I've been here for so long. So like if that feels like that's the move that makes the most sense, we could do that. Yeah. You and I can stay here or whatever. Sure. Yeah. Um, I'll tell the guys, they probably won't care. It'll probably be, you know, you know. Okay. Okay. I'll be here. Okay. And he just kind of like sits and like looks in the middle distance and

and like sniffs. Meanwhile, I feel like Link, Taylor, and Normal have been like trying to find a sneak in point as we're like all looking over like a map. We've created like with small action figures and rocks like a small scale model next to us. Like, alright,

We can infiltrate it. That's why I think if we build a catapult, we can launch Link over the fence and he can land next to... Oh, hey, what's up, Scary? So, you guys are going to do this one without me, actually. What the fuck? You're ditching? Nerd? God. I'm sorry. Am I doing the God thing right? I feel like I'm being too mean. I mean, you're not being too mean. It's just like you make a good point. But I just have to stay with Terry because...

It's not important why. It's just I could oversee what you guys are doing. Whatever. We don't care. But, like, it would be good to know or whatever. But, like, whatevs. But, like, why? Yeah. It would be good to know, but whatevs. So, basically, whatevs. But, like, why? You know, you're our friends. Like, just tell us what's up. So, I mean...

I don't know, you know, like, if Terry thinks that being my dad is so easy, then he's got another thing coming, right? Yeah, right. If he thinks that he can just, like, swoop in and, like, love me, knowing me, like, eight months or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, he's got another thing coming. That's stupid, right? And so, um...

If you were dying or whatever, that would be like fine. I mean, no. I mean, yeah. Yeah. What else? Wait, what are you talking about? What do you mean? Is he dying? Is he going to die? Well, I don't know. He thinks he is. He thinks he's dying? Yeah. What does a doctor say? I mean, to be clear, he's not like my real dad. My real dad.

Like, I don't know where he is, but he's much cooler. Okay. But like what? So you want to keep an eye on him? Is that the idea? Yeah, I guess. Just to make sure he doesn't do anything too crazy, you know? All right. Well, yeah, that sounds good to me. Like, it feels like if he thinks he's going to maybe have him wear a helmet or something. Why are you staying here? You don't care or whatever. Yeah. You know what? You're right. You're right. I don't know.

on the way. Well, no, wait. I was like, yeah, she should like, you know, this is an opportunity for her to talk to her dad. You know, her stepdad. Yeah. I know we're doing the goth thing and it's fun, but like, you know. No, it's not fun. I was just like, I was just like, so deep. He's so deep in character. I was watching this like, that's an actor right there. You're scary. I'm just wondering what she's doing. Yeah. I wonder that too. No, you should. You're right. You should stay, you know, whatever. Stay with your dad.

He's not my dad. All right, fine. You know what? I'm going to go with you guys. No, we don't want you. Maybe we should stay back. Do you want me to stay back with Terry or do you want me to, we want Terry to come too? Well, okay. If Terry's with us, then it's not part of his vision that he dies when I'm alive. Wait, what?

Yeah. He had a vision that he dies? Oh my God. What's happening? He had a vision that he gets hit by something in the head. He's probably just being a pussy and overreacting. This is what I'm saying. Helmets. People should wear helmets all the time. Look at that. Pretending to be God for two seconds and there's visions of death. I hate this. If he stays with us, then like that won't happen and I don't have to worry about him and

No, but wait, what's the vision? Terry had this vision of me, like, getting the thing, so good for me, getting the measuring tape.

but he's far away and he gets hit in the head with something and then like he dies or he blacks out or something bad happens so if he just stays next to me then that won't happen or just never you just don't ever hold the thing yeah yeah as long as you stay next to terry and you never hold the tape measure then the vision won't happen right he's saying as long as i don't do any of the cool stuff no you can do all the cool stuff no you do the cool stuff i'll just tape measure is lame we'll just one of us will lay motors will hold the tape measure okay it's

So yeah, okay. That was a little scary. I mean, you know. Yeah, I know. I get it. So we should get him a helmet and you need to just stay on by his side the whole time. Okay. We're going to deliberately try and make it so that this vision won't come true. In the vision, are you two holding hands? No. We'll hold hands with him. Sounds like you better hold hands with your stepdad. Dad?

And he wears a helmet and you don't get a hold of the tape measure. And then he won't die. Probably. This is fundamentally against everything. We're wearing matching t-shirts in the vision. And he has a shirt that says number one stepdad. And you have a shirt that says, I love my stepdad. I don't remember. We need to make those shirts and you need to wear them. How can you take off for more than like four minutes? Scary. This is hard. What do you mean?

you mean you need to care about stuff fuck wait Terry Terry are you still okay you're fine yeah Hermes like I went and checked on him and he's he's he's he's staying now I wasn't worried or anything Terry goes what are we are we going or yeah

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See store for details. All right. So I think we're all going to try to sneak in together to the camp. Should we be? Yeah. I have a spell that can help with this. Okay. I have a spell called darkness.

Magical darkness spreads from a point I choose within range to fill a 15-foot radius. That point I choose can be an object I'm holding, so the darkness emanates from the object and moves with it. Great. 15-foot radius of sphere of darkness spreading around corners. Creature with dark vision can't see through this darkness, and non-magical light can't illuminate it. That's the most goth shit ever. So we can just all walk in a 15-foot sphere of darkness together? Yeah. Okay.

So you can do that. So basically everybody, I'm assuming, is going in the same group. Hermie and Terry and all of you are going in. We're all holding hands. I think Hermie should be hanging back with the cat bus. Yeah, I bought some cheap novelty walkie-talkies at the Hot Topic. So, like, Hermie, you watch from above and you stay in contact with us, okay? Okay. I'll be your...

Sort of like an Oracle in a sense. Yeah. Yeah, no problem. Oracle's a character from Batman, Link. That's the reference. Oh, I was thinking like the cool, like the guy in the helicopter in like Mission Impossible 2. Luther? Yeah. Guys, our references today are so good. We're doing so well. Does Hermione flip a coin? Yeah, he will. Oh. Oh, shit. So we won't find out about that until later. What object are you going to cast? What is a good, suitably dark object?

So you cast it on an object? I can, yeah. And then you walk with it. It's like an opposite flashlight. Yeah. Scary, I think cool that can emit darkness. Um, I'm looking. Like your hairband. What? Your hairband. And then like from you, it's essentially 15 feet of darkness around you. Oh, I cast it on scary. The object is scary. Okay.

Scary surrounded by a 15 foot radius of darkness. So Terry goes, oh, where'd you go? Oh, oh, oh. And he realizes what happened and he's sort of like noticeably more calm. That's why you have to hold hands because you can't see in there. Yeah. Are we holding hands? Yes. We're all holding hands. Okay. So your stepdad holds your hand. He goes, this is kind of nice. Where are we going? What are we doing? We are going to get this tape measure. Okay.

So you sneak into the camp. Go ahead and give me an advantage stealth role as a group. Wait, is there are there lights in the camp? Yeah. So from the outside, does anyone in the camp just see like a 15 foot circle of shadow just moving across? It's not going to be like street lights. It's a couple of like flames, like campfires and stuff like that. But it's generally always dark because this doodler is blotting out the sun. So it's a kind of eternal night in this world. So like electricity, I'm assuming. Yeah, they're not going to see a big necessarily black orb heading towards them.

13 plus four, 17. I got 17. I got a 19. 13 for normal person.

We're moving like the Raven guard as a space Marine chapter. Okay. So it sounds like your average is around 16, 17, which is pretty good. Not to shoot ourselves in the foot. Also, it does feel like based on me now reading this spell a little closer, it does seem like it also means that we're surrounded by this darkness as well. So I feel like we have to shuffle really slowly so that we don't trip over anybody. Yeah, that's totally fair. So yeah, you managed to get into the camp pretty easily, but yeah, you very quickly find yourselves moving closer.

closer than you would like to sleeping forms on the ground oh hermes call it's like those trust exercises okay great oh so hermes calling out the position yeah he can see a little orb of darkness yeah he's calling he's like a shitty pac-man so he goes okay forward three steps stop he has the golf monocle and he's just like directing us from above three steps stop and and he flips a coin into the air and catches it and he goes now forward five steps

Insight. Insight. Insight. Insight. Insight. Insight. It's going to be disadvantage because you can't see him. Shit. Shit. I have really good insight. I got a five. I got 21 disadvantage though. Yeah. 13. 13.

Eight plus three, 11. You had to beat a 15. So no way of knowing if that's the right move or not. Well, normal with his three blunders forward five steps. Okay. So you stomp on the face of a flautist, of a flutist. Keep stomping. Yeah, keep stomping. Just like that boot in that one Orwell thing. Das boot.

The titular boot. Yeah, that boot, which is about that boot that stomps on the face forever. That stomped the flautist. You see an angry bearded face with dark eyes with dark liquid streaming from those eyes. You step directly onto his beard and he shouts, what the fuck? And gets to his feet. I am going to cast...

Silence. Okay. Which is a spell that lets me, for the duration no sound can be created within or past a 20-foot radius sphere centered on any point you choose within range. Any creature or object inside the sphere is immune to thunder damage and creatures are deafened entirely while inside it. Immune to thunder damage. So yes, within 20 feet of where we are is dead silence, so no one can hear this guy.

Wow. Okay, great. So he puts the flute to his mouth and starts blowing and nothing happens. And he's like looking at all confused and he's like, what the? He's like trying to hit it against his knee and he points at you and his mouth opens, but nothing happens. Then he basically just tries to swing his flute at you. Does Terry murder him? Terry is too busy holding his stepdaughter's hand and being pretty psyched about

about the fact that they seem to be having a connection. Rear naked choke. So he rolls a 16 to hit your AC. Does that do it? For me, yeah, I'm almost certain it does. The flute whaps you across the temple and blood starts trickling down your left eyebrow and you make no noise. Yeah. He turns around and he sees my gun pointed to his temple and I say, dodge me. And he shoots at you. Well, you try to say that and it comes out like...

Like nothing happens. You can't hear you. And I pull the trigger. This is such an obvious guy. This guy is the best guy I've ever... I love this guy so much. All right. So a version of you comes out and deals 1d10 force damage to the amasol. Rolled 1d10. So a naked version of you comes out going...

You can't hear shit. Does six damage to him and immediately knocks him prone and is pinned on him. You can see his eyes are just full of fear and fury as this naked version of you is just gyrating on his body and he's just screaming but silently. The fact that there's no noise makes it even fucking scarier for him. He just doesn't know what to do. It's like a David Lynch film. Yeah.

So yeah, he's pinned right now. He's just trying to get your doppelganger off of his body and your doppelganger is just like, like no noise. It's just screaming in confusion. So yeah, you've got to, you've got to turn to handle this before he just empties the clip. Yeah.

Well, you got to put one in at a time. But yes, in a cool, cynical, just dead eyed way, Link instantly bites another fingernail off it. What are you going to do it again? No, I'm just getting it ready. I always love a gun. You got it. I think you have to keep track of how many fingernails you have left to bite. Yeah. Then I'll just start biting skin and hair. Essentially anything you can put in there. Oh, hair. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take any human stuff. I think Taylor is going to take a running leap and then just like stomp on this dude's head. Yeah.

Okay, give me an attack. Roll the advantage because he's pinned. 16 plus 4, 20. Wow, okay. So yeah, you successfully Zephyr Strike it with your sword or what are you stomping on? With my very tall Hot Topic boots that I'm wearing. Okay, great. So yeah, you crunch him in the head and blood shoots out of his nose and he looks like he's not doing particularly well. He still basically doesn't have a turn because you hit him with a surprise round. So I think Scary and Terry can still go. If he's not doing well, I think I...

am going to also unarm strike him. Okay. That's a natural 20. Oh! Alright, so roll double damage. And also, you can just describe exactly what you do, and if you want this to knock him out, you're almost certainly going to take him down to zero. Oh, for me, it's one, so it would be two.

All right. So you just barely managed to take him out. Nice. Exactly the HP he had remaining. As a naked Link explodes into nail clippings, which then dissolve into liquid on his body, your fist rocks his temple and he gets knocked the fuck out and goes back to sleep. Nice.

And then I start yelling at Hermie, like, what the hell, Hermie? But of course, nothing can hear you. Yeah, exactly. So it's just me. We can't hear his messages anymore. No. Oh, shit. Well, at least for a 20 foot speed, we have to move out of this before we can hear his messages. Actually, no, I break concentrate. It's a concentration spell. I slowly walk forward until like my eyes get out of the...

The zone of darkness. You want to poke just your eyes out? Yeah, just the eyes out like as much. Honestly, my nose and my eyes would be out, but I want to get like a sense. So you can see that it's basically a straight shot from where you are to where Vince is sleeping. Okay. And I just like tactical wave, like follow me. And then I guess we'll walk until we get out of this. No one can see it. Silence. Oh, yes. Are we blind in the darkness? I mean, it's just dark all around. I grab hands and then I just talk everybody to come along. Okay. Yeah. Yes. There's a more or less straight shot to you from between you and where Vince is currently laying.

with the tape measure on his waist whose hand am I holding Taylor I think it's you Taylor normal scary Terry okay yeah I take your hand Taylor and you know I tried to use my body language to say don't worry it's cool it's straight ahead 20 feet just kind of like back in your finger not the way you did it visually which was really creepy but luckily nobody listening to this had to see what you did but yes

So I started moving everybody forwards towards Vincent. You do that. Oh, I mean, you're still, you can see. So nothing happens on the way there. No, you're totally silent. You're right there. So we're also standing over this two-dimensional stick figure on the ground. Yeah, pretty much. So someone needs to make, I think, a sleight of hand. Yeah, should we wake him up? Normal spits his hands and he's like Indiana Jones. He's got a thing of bubble tape and he's tossing it back and forth and looking at the tape measure. It's crazy.

It's going to take Cracker Jack Diamond. He takes out some of the tape and removes it because it looks like the weight might not be there.

Yeah, who's got good dexterity? Who should do this sleight of hand? I've got this thing, but I actually think it's only in combat, so never mind. What is it? One with shadows. When you are in an area of dim light or darkness, you can use your action to become invisible until you move or take action or reaction. That sounds like it might be useful. No, you can definitely use that not in combat. Okay. So I become invisible. Okay. Okay. So yeah, until you move or take action or a reaction, you are invisible. So you're just standing there invisible? Well, yeah. You can't do anything. You know, better be safe.

And you weren't invisible in his vision, right? Yeah, that's true. As long as you stand there forever, as long as he's in as long as you stand there forever, your stepdad will never die. I have plus one sleight of hand. What do you guys have? I have plus two. Okay. Yeah. Plus three. Oh, fucking David Blaine over here. Fucking a.

I put my hand out. I like the idea that normalize. I put my hand out for the tape or the gum. I give you the bubble tape. Be careful. My Invisalign's in there. Oh, okay. Wait. And I take my Invisalign out and try to put them in. I'm like, no. Then I put them back in the tape. Since you said wait, I got a five. Oh, no. So you try to yank it off of his belt without detaching it or whatever. And immediately Vince goes from lying down to one frame. He's standing up and he opens his mouth like that.

But no noise comes out. Why don't you were talking? No, you're still silent. Everything's still silent. No, I just spelled the silence so we could move forward. All right. OK, can you cast it again? Hold on. Let me see how many spells I have. Yeah, I can cast it again. Well, you did wake him up. So he's going to get one moment to react. So he puts his hand out and you see like a two dimensional bell form in his hand like the Game & Watch guy. And he goes, bing, bing, bing, bing.

What would it hit against, though, if it's two-dimensional? The sides of the bell itself. Oh, okay. So instead of going bing, bing, it was ding, ding, ding, ding, because it's like an 8-bit sound. And around you, you can hear, outside the wall of darkness, a lot of people trying to get to their feet and go, what's going on?

what was that noise? What was that noise? And so, yeah, you are now surrounded by a lot of awake. They don't see you yet. Cause you're still within the darkness and they especially don't see scary. Cause Gary's invisible. But I feel like it's time to roll initiative. Oh God. Oh, cause the game and watch boy. Yeah. I mean, he will, he just, you know, he's aware of you and you're aware of him and you're trying to like hurt each other. So, so much combat. What's going on? I'm sorry. I rolled a five on side of hand. 16 plus one 17. Oh,

Okay, things are all working out. From now on, I'm always going to fucking put Zone of Truth around Hermie. He's helping us. I should have done that. Good idea. It's a standing thing. My initiative is 11. Okay. I got a four. All right. And are we in combat with just Game & Watch right now? Just Vincent? Yeah. Because nobody else sees you right now. They just woke up and they heard a bell coming from Vince. It is Scary's turn first.

I'm going to try to grapple him. Go ahead and give me an athletics check. Okay. If you grapple him and he's face down on the ground. Well, I didn't grapple him because I got a two. I feel like I should have gotten advantage. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You get advantage. Yeah. Roll again. Roll again. All right. Let's go. Hot dice. Hot dice. Hot dice. Oh, I got a 13 this time. Okay. So you got higher than his six. So, yeah, you managed to clamp your arms around the two-dimensional form of Vince. He's like, hey, hey, hey, let go, let go, let go.

And he can't ring the bell anymore because you're holding his hands to his sides. Matt, get a little bit of Vince. Oh, my God. Shoot a copy of Vince out of the darkness. And then people will think that was the one who rang the bell. I mean, it'll last for 10 seconds and turn into gelatin. Damn. Or no, it's like we've been doing this. It's pretty quick. Yeah. No, you know, I take it back. It is 10 minutes. The reason the other ones were dissolving is because they died.

Because they hit the ground because you shot them in the air and they fell down and hit the ground. And I'm going to go ahead and say that the one that was on the guy you knocked out, he also managed to kill that one before he got knocked out. So no, it is usually 10 minutes. Yeah. Good to know. All right. So just maybe I will do that. I kind of pick up the kind of thing like Matt. It's like I see Link looking down his gun once again, like kind of loading it back and see me like, so I'm going to take my mall ninja shit and slice a chunk off of Vince. Roll a melee attack with advantage because he's 10. 11 plus 4, 15? Or grappled.

15 will do it. So you slice off one of his two-dimensional fingers. And that's a four damage to him. Okay, four damage. Oh, all we needed was a fingernail. Well, listen, okay, I'm not... Although I have spent my whole life studying the ways of the blade, this is truly a pursuit that will take a lifetime to master. Okay, so this is the best I got. It is Vince's turn. He is going to try to wriggle free of your grasp with a dexterity check. Oppose with your... Okay, so he doesn't do shit. Now, I do feel like Vince would also get advantage because he is two-dimensional. Two-dimensional, sure. Okay, so go ahead and roll strength. Scary.

18. 18, wow. All right, you beat him. So he is still wriggling in your arms. Why do you look so familiar? What the fuck? Let me go. He goes, help, help. It's people. It's people. And around you, three other members of the Black Parade step into the sphere of darkness with confusion in their eyes as they see all of you trying to basically beat the shit out of Vince. You see a drummer, a clarinetist,

and a saxophonist all of them are going to shout an alarm in surprise unfortunately well i think there's too many fingernails now for us to make a distraction no that's true uh they shout an alarm they say ah intruders intruders sound the alarm they all blow into their uh instruments and it makes a horrible cacophony everyone give me a constitution saving throw

With advantage because you have earplugs in. 11 plus three, 14? 12. Natural 20 for me. Natural 20. Seven. You're used to bad marching band sounds. Please. This sound is molded to this. You think this is anything to me? All right. So everyone other than normal, you're going to take 2d6 damage. Okay.

You feel something wet begin to drip from your ears and wet whatever you got plugging them in that moment. OK, so, yeah, Terry also takes a lot of damage and falls to his knees because and let's go your hand for a second to try to grab it as ears. And he's like, the earplugs, they didn't do as much as they do. Nothing. They do nothing. Lincoln's turn. OK, I mean, can I just take the tape measure then? He can't fight back. I think you give me sleight of hand with advantage because he's still wriggling.

13 he got a 14 oh tough blow sorry so yeah you you get your hands around it but he's moving a little bit too much for you to easily detach it from the loop on his belt from the carabiner on his belt is there a way to make that attack so i can get a second attempt at it essentially uh i'm trying to kick it off him i'm trying to kick the fucking thing off him sure fine sure okay there we go

Oh, there we go. Natural or unnatural? Natural. Okay. So you successfully kick it off his belt. It completely detaches from his bells. And with the force of your kick, it keeps moving. It keeps rolling outside of the circle of darkness. Okay. It's out of view. And it plugs up a tuba. So yeah, it is attached, but you also haven't moved yet. I'm going to move to move to it. Okay, great. So I'll move out of the, I guess, the problem of darkness.

Darkness. So you move out eyeballs, just my eyeballs. So just your eyeballs go out of the darkness. Your eyeballs, your nose and your forehead. It's like in those Looney Tunes cartoons when it's like the whirlwind of like people getting punch. Yeah, exactly. Like Wile E. Coyote's head sticks out. Or when it's like, oh, there's been a power outage. So we only have to animate the eyes. Wait, is that? Yeah. It's way cheaper to fill time if you're just doing eyes. Oh my God. That's why every cartoon you've ever seen as a child had like an episode where the power went out.

Oh my God.

That's pretty good. Yeah. As you poke the top of your head through the shadow dome, the shadow orb, you see the tape measure roll along the ground and finally come to a stop about 20 feet away at the foot of the drum major. The big guy. The big guy holding the fucking baton in his hand with a confused look on his face as he and several other members of the parade are walking towards the black dome. Hey, you mind just kicking that back over here, buddy? Yeah.

Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Oh, God. I'm not going to get worse than a two. So, yeah, it does a two. He picks it up. Oh!

Grab it off Well, you would I said like I said you could have just like continued to try sleight of hands But you tried to attack it and you're better at attacks. So like yeah, you succeeded to well, all right It is normal stern go rewatch your street DVDs, bro. You asked for it I'm about to fucking start shooting naked links with fucking divine smite right now

Also, I don't think the gun only told one bullet at a time. Oh, no, I thought that's exactly what it was. No, when you checked it, there was like a bullet in it. Oh, OK. Yeah, I've definitely put like eight fingernails in there. Oh, my God. Shooting links all over the place. It does so much more damage than anything else I have.

it's absolutely like i'm like is it too weird like just practically there's no other weapon it does 1d10 is more damage than anything else you do yeah because like right now the only i actually don't even have a weapon really i just have unarmed attack and then like divine smite can be used with any oh no because divine smites for melee weapons i'm gonna just pistol whip people though true i'm going to cast because yeah it feels like silence is pretty much out of the window right like it doesn't feel like that's gonna help as much right now we're actually stolen because to keep them from attacking

because they clearly attack with their instruments. I will cast silence. That's great. I'm going to cast silence. Cool. That's great. You can see that immediately the cacophony goes to nothing. It's dead silence. They're confused. They're upset at their instruments and you are not going to have to continue to make wisdom saving throws or anything like that if they try to do anything. Scary Marlow is

It is your turn. Where is the tape measure at this point? It's with the guy? It is with the head of the Black Parade. It is outside of the darkness that you are currently in and you cannot currently see it because you're inside the darkness. I think I will move outside the darkness. Okay. So yeah, now you can see it. You can see also that he's coming at you with like five more members of the orchestra. Are they beholden to like his baton? Like how do they follow orders from him? If you roll Arcana and do well, I can tell you.

Okay, I got a 16. So the 16, you can tell that they follow the drum major because he has convinced them at some point in the past of his superiority of knowledge, that he understands the true darkness of existence, and that only by following him, the smartest and most pessimistic and darkest soul that there is, can you ever...

achieve anything close to self-actualization. That he's the only one who knows how dark things can really get. It's like a dark Tony Robbins. Interesting. Unfortunately, silence is everywhere. How far does that silence go out? It's a 20-foot...

sphere it's basically to say the bubble of the darkness is the bubble of combat too because you move within 20 feet oh oh oh i got an idea okay okay hear me out i feel like taylor should cast thaumaturgy on scary and then she can read her goth poetry to the army to convince them that she i think that sounds perfect darkness leader oh my god yeah she's like i'm the real drum major

So I feel like we can say that was your move and you're not supposed to be able to hold actions instead of turns, but like, fuck it. Like we can say, if you want to do that, then we can stop your turn right here. Freddie can do the thaumaturgy and then you can resume your turn for the action if you'd like. Okay. So listen, Taylor,

Give me like 30 seconds. You're doing in sign language? Yeah. I'm sitting there being like, okay, okay. So a lot of middle fingers and a lot of pointing at myself and then pointing at the world. Yeah, describe the sign language to communicate you want me to make you loud. I point at myself and then I point at my mouth and then I make a wave motion with my hand and then I point up the...

Then I'm like middle finger, never mind, like cross out my hands. And then I just make a triangle motion from my mouth to the sky. Okay. And then point to myself. Okay, Taylor gets that. So I'm going to cantrip thaumaturgy to scary. Great. Okay, so scary it is your turn. Okay. Can you guys give me like one minute to write a poem? Yes, yes.

All right, and we're back. With the thaumaturgy amplifying my voice, I clear my throat a few times, and I'm like, I'm a little nervous, but... This is original. Just wrote it.

It's called... Wiser. Ahem. The world breaks down into two veils. One sits heavy on me, drenched in thorns. The other, with knowledge, thus impales me, like a bitter devil with one horn.

The world breaks you down and then you die, leaving nothing but the mess you've made. Follow me to break the tie, embrace nothingness in a black parade. Everything sucks and no marching band can give you truth like my poetry now. I have no wisdom, no fucking plan that makes me wiser. Don't ask how. The end.

Oh, shit. That's extremely good. Very good. So roll either persuasion or intimidation with advantage. With the stankiest of advantages. I'm going to roll intimidation. Oh, that's a 23. Yeah! Yeah!

Alright, so I will have the drum major. Anthony, you have to write a poem. You have to write a poem now. I'm going to roll first so we can see how good the poem has to be. You call that a diss? You smell like piss. This is the most intense podcast I've ever been on. I know. It's just like typing. Beth was Robin Hood and she just shot the arrow through the other arrow. ...

Okay, I'm ready. Ready. The drum major hears that poem and sees the effect that it has on everyone around you, that the members of the Black Parade are taken aback and the darkness around their eyes is getting even more smudged as more tears than whatever for begin to fall down their faces as they are taken aback by just how fucking good that was. And the drum major scoffs and he goes, ahem.

Girl, why are you so stressed? You're making me depressed. You know that I'm the best, better than the rest, because my name's Razputin, and I'm here to say I'm still all y'all's boss in a major way. And you want to...

You want to follow this chick? Man, you gotta be kidding. Her rhymes are nothing compared to the rhymes that I'm spitting. And that character name is Razputin from Alexander Rakovchik. Or Rakovchik? Rakovchik? Thank you either way, Alexander, for the name. So yeah, he says all that. That poem was Anthony Burch, though, to be clear. The poem was me. That was an A, B, a ridge. And then he rolled. Well, sorry, he rolled first, which is why I was okay with writing a poem like that. He got a six. So...

He poses by crossing his... Link thinks it's a bop, though. Link is like, whoa! The new Macklemore. How dare you slander Macklemore! He crosses his arms all smug and confident, and the other members of the Black Parade beat him to death and tear him apart.

They tear him limb from limb and he is screaming and they eat his body. They raise their blood-soaked jaws from the body formerly known as Rasputin, the drum lead. He got bodied. They all drop to one knee facing Scary Marlowe and they say, all hail Scary Marlowe, the new leader of the Black Parade.

Not today, no, not today

♪ For tomorrow, makes the day can't change ♪ ♪ We got a bit today, enough today ♪ ♪ Just start back tomorrow ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlow and myself, Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max Nwaller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashton Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to Ryan Peterson who provided a name for an item we used in the episode. Our show is supported by people like Ryan as well as a whole bunch of other patrons and some of whom I'm going to name later.

I don't know if that's your real last name, Ian. Disestablishmentarianism, ha ha.

Nicholas J. Sanzone and Jimmy VanMierlo. You can directly support the show and get ad-free episodes at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads starting at just $5 a month. That gets you Talking Dad or Teen Talk for this season where we talk about the episode and answer listener questions. It's a little bit of an after show. It's a chat show. It's a lot of fun. We got all kinds of

cool stories too spicy for the main feed five bucks a month also gets you all of our bonus one-shot campaigns our live show streams there are hours and hours there on our patreon page for your ear holes and at 10 bucks a month you also get a monthly bonus of indeterminate content which can be a video it could be audio this last month we played the doctor who role-playing game take a listen and the silhouette of the new doctor slowly appears it's large no no no no his mouth is still forming here's

Doctor Who, more like. And reflective eyes, like sunglasses, peer down and you say, more like, Doctor Who. And then out from the smoke comes out a seven foot tall pigeon. There you go. Coo! Yeah, pretty good, right? All that and more at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Twitter is dungeonsanddads. Subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. And our next episode is coming at you Tuesday, October 18th. We'll see you then. We gotta pick ourselves.

When I was a city, a young boy took me into my father.