S2 Ep. 17 - OSHA's Eleven
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That's BlueNile.com. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. The syringe is in my hand. I am showing it to four new employees, teaching them how to extract memories to make delicious pizza toppings. In two minutes, the syringe falls from my grasp as I push one of the teens into an oven for blaspheming against the papa. In ten minutes, the syringe plunges into my skull and my memory of the last ten minutes is extracted from my mind.

It is 40 years ago. I am four years old. My father, a watchmaker, tells me that Papa John's army is invading our village. I hear their trumpets blaring. In fear, I shit my pants. It is 10 years ago. I am four years old. My father, a vegan, sings as a mariachi band plays Feliz Cumpleaños. I hear their trumpets blaring. I shit my pants again. In Papa John's kitchen, I am extracting a memory from the teenage boy I shoved into the oven. In the syringe, I see him shitting his pants as a mariachi band plays...

It is 30 years ago. I am 14 years old, kneeling before the Papa. His ceremonial breadstick touches my shoulder and I ascend to the rank of shift manager. I hear the trumpets blaring. In Papa John's kitchen, four teens shove a wad of pizza dough down my throat. I am 44 years old and still a shift manager. In two minutes, the pizza dough flies from my blocked airway and for the first time since the Papa's army took my father away, I feel joy.

In four minutes, the memory of this joy is squirted onto a pizza for an old woman who will immediately die after eating it. I am tired of this earth, these people. I am tired of making pizza toppings out of the tangle of their minds. In Papa John's kitchen, I watch one of these teens extract a final memory from the dead woman. It's a memory of the future. In the syringe, I see the doodler annihilated by an exploding star. I see the earth consumed by flame, blackened to ash like an epic pepperoni stuffed crust left too long in the oven.

The trumpets are silent, and for the first time since the Papa's army took my father away, I feel joy.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a podcast that tells the story of four teens sent into another world, our world originally, and now they got to fix it. Or do they? Or do they? The question on everyone's mind. Or will they die trying? You don't have to save your dad. Legally, you do not have to. Legally, you don't have to. You're not bound by that. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the tiefling ranger of the Grand Riders.

group what i mean in terms of the classification he's just throwing this there's a rogue last week now he's a dragon he's never been a rogue okay i said it wrong once okay he's a ranger this week's taylor fact on the subject of pizza delivery taylor did take his roland cole bike and he did use it as a pizza delivery vehicle he signed up which is by the way against the rules but he did sign up for like postmates to be a driver

And then he did it for a couple of days and he was like, I'm good. I have a question for you about Taylor is that we learned last week that Taylor doesn't know what a job is. He knows what jobs are, but he just doesn't think anyone does them.

them because he didn't do his piece. He didn't do his piece. I still don't understand how this works, but you say it with such confidence that I believe you. What was the context for last? He was just like, what's a job? He thought the only job was being a voice actress. Well, yeah, everything else is a hobby. You get paid for interesting. Interesting. In his mind, everyone who works as a service job does it because of a love for

while they interact with their people. Or it's like, they're like, this is what I do on the side while I'm trying to get my anime voice acting job started. Yeah, which is a job. Interesting. Creating Japanese animation. It's the only true job. Yeah, or designing the figurines, the little vinyl figurines, right? Okay. I accept your explanation. And this is also the reason why he was so awkward around Hero Oak because he was like,

She took my hobby. He wasn't even awkward around her. He just didn't fight. He was like, whatever. You can't even retcon it into there was some sort of fun chemistry. I put a girl in front of you for you to have a crush on and you were like, I don't know what's going on. Just like teen Freddie. Yeah. True to yourself. Hi, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled at home soccer kid who's a protective paladin of the group.

I figured my fact would also be a pizza fact since we seem to be. Yeah, dude. Love it. Thematically appropriate. Yeah, I wasn't going to do pizza facts, but then like we've been on pizza for about three episodes. So it seems about time to talk about pizza. Just a really simple. Link's favorite pizza is whatever pizza he gets after a soccer game.

It doesn't really matter what it is, whatever. The reason it doesn't matter what pizza is because his favorite pizza is specifically the pizza after he's picked off all the toppings. Okay. So he just has like a big... He's always like, do you want cheese? He's like, no, no, no, get Supreme. And he likes to pick off all the toppings. That's just part of the whole process. He likes that process. He likes that process. I think it tastes a little different. Does he dab the thing with the napkin?

Yeah.

Why am I doing makeup removal on this pizza before I eat it? Like, let me eat this pizza. This is the way God intended. This pizza's beautiful the way it is. I'm about pizza positivity. This is the way they designed it. Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone to have a big fucking case on it. I thought you were going to be like, Steve Jobs didn't design pizza to be taken away. Steve Jobs designed pizza. Pizza's really the original click wheel if you think about it.

The Wheel of Death. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos, click wheel enthusiast and actor who plays the character Normal Oak on this podcast, Dungeons and Dragons. Normal is a- This podcast, Dungeons and Dragons. Shut the fuck up, Freddie. We've done so many episodes. I can't, I can't be, I'm just statistically, I'm going to say the name of the podcast wrong every once in a while.

I'm just getting in the way just in case them lawyers, them legal eagles are sitting listening. I play the character Strider on the podcast Dungeons and Dragons. Normal's a mixed up mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. Normal fact about normal this week is normal's never had a pet.

His family considers that, like, the pet can't consent to being owned, so they don't own pets. But he has befriended a raccoon that lives outside the school by stealing lunch meats from the cafeteria, which his Uncle Lark says is Braxis. So he's able to throw lunch meat to a raccoon, and he's befriended a little raccoon family. Oh, what's his name? The animal can't consent to being named. Oh, but does the animal have provided their name to you? The animal's name is...

Oh, yeah. It's that plus a combination of raccoon pheromones is how the raccoon identifies itself to other raccoons. Wow. So it's domesticated. Well, that's very bad. It's not domesticated at all. I think actually normal has probably been bit a lot by this thing. And it's just a real matter of...

He's got a role for rabies. Do I have to do a disease role right now? No, no, no. Because if you have rabies, you're dead. You're dead. Yeah. Yeah. You got to get a shot immediately. Do we find out that there's like super rare? Like there's like one guy who got rabies and survived? There's been two people, I believe, again, when I had the manic episode where I thought I had rabies. I researched this a lot. I believe there are two people. There's an experimental thing where you like the stay system, like freeze their body to kill it. And then maybe they survive being frozen to death. There's one person.

one person and then one person without any gianna gc yeah without any sort of like thing at all like no treatment she just survived well that's two normals immune to rabies she's like i am he's number two he's number two yeah yeah he doesn't know it that's the thing he doesn't even realize that's a gnarly fact next next bag lincoln lee wilson survived rabies hi my name's beth may and i play scary marlin

goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other girls girls. Oh, fun fact. I remember when this podcast was good. It was so long ago. It's been a while. Work related fact about scary this week is

is that Scary's only other part-time job was a mere few months ago where she worked for a VHS and CD store once CDs and VHSs had their resurgence in the 2050s. Oh. Kind of like vinyls now?

Yeah. And she was fired immediately because she was more preoccupied with the Spotify playlist in the store than actually helping customers. Now, do they like do like special pressings of like modern movies in the 20s, 50s? Sure. I think that there's like a special VHS copy of We're Back, a dinosaur

Obviously, all the propaganda movies, Fly Away Home, Goofy Movie. Nice, nice, nice. Yeah. Taken. Taken. All 16 Taken movies, the Taken set trilogy. Taken, a Goofy movie. Slave movie. I have a particular set of skills. Skills. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. So around this time, I would have...

sprung another big akin to the tattoo surprise on all of you. I would have. I didn't. Basically, I spent two months in a massage therapy school. I was going to be a certified massage therapist by around now.

But the first two months of that are online learning. Tragically, the very first class I took literally included the phrase, the mitochondria is the power supply of the cell. No way, really? I was like, I thought I was free of this. Yeah, I was going to stick with it. It was going to be two months of online stuff, which I did. And then two months of...

in-studio training and then two months of clinic training. But after the two months of online training, it turns out a lot of the people who teach massage don't believe in vaccines. I was like, oh, I'm going to be a massage person because a lot of people in my life have chronic pain and I wanted to help with that.

But the fucking very first class was like, the first thing you need to know about me. He's not like David Lynch. First thing you need to know about me is I invented the elbow bump. And he was not saying that as a joke. He thought he came up with the idea of like elbow shaking hands during COVID. What? He literally took credit for that. And then he was like, the second thing you need to know is that you are here because there is a desperate hunger amongst the population for medicine-free healthcare. And that is what you are. Effectively doctors is what you're doing by touching people. And I was like, oh.

- Oh no. - But who cares? Just get good at massage. - I didn't care until around the time that I was gonna have to go in, all the COVID cases spiked in LA and I was like, if there's anybody that is not fucking vaccinated, it is these fucking people. - What is with your incredibly good, pure intentions and you running into just insane idiots? - Life.

So, when we last left the group of kids, you had basically just had a normal day at... At Papa John's. Morgan and Papa John's. Stabbing people in the head. You stabbed your shift manager, risky click in the head, took some memories from him to make a delicious pizza that you served to Tilt-Tilberon, which then killed her via heart attack. As she died, you... Damn, life comes at you fast. Yeah. You took a memory from her head...

but because she can see in four dimensions, it was sort of a premonition of a possible future. Can you remind me of the prophecy? Yes. Yes. That's where we're right. We're coming off of, right? This is, I believe scary. Saw the scariest one who pulled it out. Uh, it is up to scary whether or not she tells you about it, but yes. Oh,

The idea is that when you are searching for a memory in somebody, you can sort of ask a question psychically, and then that'll make it easier for you to find that thing. So Scary wanted to know, how do we defeat the doodler? And the memory that you found showed you basically a sun exploding in this world, incinerating the doodler and everybody else in this world, while you and the other dads and your friends stood on the other side of the portal where you came from, the Forgotten Realms.

So we destroy this world. Yes. Yes. Everything in this world, including the doula can get destroyed. The only people we've met are horrible people. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Do you want to just start having seen that memory and you tell everybody about it or. Sure. We can also jump to your shift review. Well, okay, guys, before we get to our shift review. Shit review. Am I right? Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Link. Hell yeah. Shit review. Okay. Anyways, so.

So there's basically no way to defeat the doodler, which I feel like is pretty freeing, actually. I feel like, you know, I feel kind of liberated by this knowledge. What did you see? Oh, yeah. Well, I saw like this big sun thing explode and it was our fault or to our credit, I guess, maybe. And then so we were alive and our dad.

were alive but everybody else was dead and so normally I'd be like that's pretty metal but like I don't know even I have limits and so there's just a lot of chaos that happens if we defeat the doodler and so I guess we don't need to do it which is great interesting but we got our dad's

back yeah but our dad's back and we destroy the doula blows up this world i mean it seems like that was one possible way it could shake out you know so maybe like we can do it different yeah we do it different right we do it our own way yeah so we save the people on earth and then whatever happens to our dads happens and then we get off like unscathed at the very least we know our dads are alive if that prophecy is true then that means our dads are alive because for that to even be possible for that prophecy to be possible our dads must still be alive that's a good point now

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. Very important question. Was I in this vision? And how cool did I look?

You're in this vision. I'd say you'd look like eight out of ten cool. What do you think he looks like right now, though? What am I at right now? You're at two out of ten cool. Two out of ten. I want to say an opinion, Hermie. Let me see if I agree with that or not. That's right. It's two faces off. Yeah, no, I got to say, for me, from Hermie, your friend, 12 easily. Oh, wow. But there's no accounting for taste, am I right? That average is just seven. So I'm slightly cooler than I am now. Okay, interesting. Good to know. I'm going to file that away. Thanks, Hermie. Thanks.

Hey, no problem. It's scary. Maybe rethink those standards. Maybe rethink your life. Oh, okay. Well, that's all. You should flip a coin to see if he does that. All right, flip again. Dude, imagine if Two-Face and the Bad Movies had to go to flipacoin.com on this phone. So he got tails. So he goes like, no, I don't think I will. I think Hermes is perfect just as he is. Yeah. Hermes is so cool now. Nothing more cool than being secure in who you are. Am I right? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Looks like I'm surrounded by a lot of people who cannot relate to that. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. No, you will.

As you were jabber jawing, Risky Click, your shift manager comes up and goes, this is the one we stabbed. This is the one you stabbed. But he doesn't remember you did it because you took the memory out. Do you have holes? You know what I'm saying? Like after you get stabbed by syringes, you gotta be leaky a little bit, right? Yeah, probably. I mean, you don't leak from like when you get blood. By definition, Matt, I think you do. Risky Click comes over to you and he has a couple of trickles of blood dripping down his skull. His scalp.

And he bends over at the waist and goes, hey guys, I'm so excited that you're all here together. Really, really bring that Papa John's spirit to, oh, looks like a corpse. Oh yeah, we did deliver the pizza before she died. She loved it so much, she left a perfect review for us. I mean, I see a bite taken out of it, so I mean, that's as far as your interaction needed to go. So hey, great job. But you know what would be even better is if you were back in the kitchen doing your jobs.

and not celebrating the fact that you've done your job. So I just want to say this shift, it's gone okay. It's gone not bad. And I got it straight from, and he points upwards, the Papa himself, that if you work

Just three more perfect days, no mistakes. Oh my God. You can get pushed up to the delivery driver. So this was like one day we delivered a pizza. We made one pizza, so we got to make like one more per day? Is that how it works? No, you'll get more than one pizza a day, but we'll speed that up and you'll just do some rolls and stuff. But basically, all you have to do is just not screw up. And yeah, no problem. Hey, I need to take a smoke break. We don't do that here. I need to take a break.

I'm looking at my seven out of 40 hit points. I just, I'm kind of. Yeah, I need to, yeah. Oh, you're shifted. You think your shift is over. Oh. No, no, no, no. Break. Yeah, just a quick break. You do breaks. We do breaks, but they're not long enough for our short rest. Short rest is at least an hour. And we don't get a lunch break, you fascist. You live off the nutrition of the love of his father that bleeds down upon us.

But as he's saying this, Lark comes over and puts a hand on Risky Click's shoulder and says, yeah, actually, you know what? You're totally right. It's my bad. I'm, you know, I'm supposed to be the one training them. So I'll explain. It's all good. I got it, Risky. Thanks. Thanks. Sorry. And Risky Click goes, no, that's, uh, you don't need to thank me. Apologies, maybe, for interrupting me, but that's fine. And he just keeps smiling at him and keeps maintaining eye contact with him as he walks away.

And Lark goes, hey, so if you keep working here, you're going to start losing memories. Okay. Like how much? How much memories are we talking about here? Like, can I pick the memories I lose? I have a couple I'd like to get rid of. Yeah. I've got a really dark past. So every day that you spend working here, you're going to roll and lose a memory. And the higher the roll, the more precious the memory will be to you. And Lark says, there's also another way we could try to handle this, which is...

We could just take the keys from the delivery driver. Oh, yeah. Who's the delivery driver now? It's a delivery driver right now. His name is Dorito DeVito. Thank you, Josh. X Mayhem. Dorito DeVito. And right now he sleeps in special quarters and he points to the other end of the cafeteria and you can see that there's a very sturdy looking door that opens up.

opens up. You see what seems to be a man-sized calzone walk through the door, followed by another. And both of them, they're just rounded pockets of dough with burbling, pulsating boils under their flaky exterior. And they look aggressive, they look angry, and then behind them is just like a guy. And the guy is swinging... Like the VIP section of the club. The guy is swinging a keychain that is connected to his belt. A cool scorpion jacket like the driver. Ha ha ha!

He goes, OK, that's them. Yeah, that's the guy in the back. That's Dorito DeVito. Wow, he's exuding such an aura right now. He's just flanked by two monsters like he's got keys to a cat bus. Yeah, the calzone carbuncles next to him. Those are his bodyguards. Whenever he leaves, he's got his little quarters there and they bring him food and he's got a bathroom and everything in there. So he basically just stays there unless he's going to go to the pussy wagon. And then they accompany him there and they wait in the garage for him to come back when he's out on his routine. Is there only one delivery guy?

Yeah, it's a very important job being able to... Wait, so like in three days we could be the number two? Yeah, what happens to him? What happens to who? Oh, to him? The current delivery guy. Oh, I believe we're looking to expand. I think they're trying to get another pussy whammy. Oh, multiple pussy whammy. Okay. Wait, he told you three days? Yes. I don't know if I buy that. You don't buy it? What do you mean? Like, no one would lie about your potential for growth at a company right on the line. Yeah, nobody would... He just puts his hand on Normal's hand and he goes, oh, Normal...

Oh, I wish you would never had to grow up. Do they tell that to every person that works here? I have an idea. Okay, let's hear it. What's your idea? As you know, I'm well-versed in the art of mascot engineering. I've never attempted a giant costume made out of dough before. But maybe we could bake a big calzone and hide in it and then knock on the door and we could pretend to be those calzone guys and we could get the keys.

Seems like they can get close to the guy. This is just a hitman level, dude. If we made like a couple of big calzones, we could make flawless disguises for ourselves. Maybe Hermie can show us how to act and study the movements of one of these calzone dudes. You know, Hermie, is that something that like, you know, you could help us out with? As you turn and look at him, he's already moving like a calzone.

He's something about him. You can see like he's somehow making his skin pulsate a little bit. Like there's just like magma hot pizza sauce with him. He's flexing his pecs. He goes, I'm already there. I'm already figuring out my business. And he starts like making bits of the burn bits of him flake off like it's crust. He goes, what? It's about realism. I've been studying my primary. I'm going to approach Dorito DeVito.

Okay, immediately as you approach, both of the calzone carbuncles turn towards you and put their hands next to two big boils that begin to start vibrating and growing. And they're like ready with their hands on either side of them as if they're going to try to pop them at you. Oh, Mr. Dorito DeVito, hi. Hi, we're new employees. Are you trying to persuade him to stop walking? Because he's just walking. I'm kind of walking along with him then. Oh, okay. It's a walk and talk. So the calzone carbuncles, one of them puts his hand out in front of DeVito DeVito to stop him. And both of them are facing you. And...

DeVito looks at you and goes, new voice. You dare stop me, boy?

What do you think you are? Who do you think you're talking to right now? I'm a meager piece of shit in your world. I am nothing. I am nobody. We've been told that we aspire to be a delivery person and that we are to help you at any and give you anything you want. So if we could just know where your room is so we can bring you breakfast and all sorts of wonderful things. That's what our boss told us to treat you right because you're the best and we hope to be as cool as you. So just let us know where you sleep. Ha ha ha ha.

That's insane. So roll deception with disadvantage. With disadvantage? It's an insane thing to walk up to a stranger and be like, hey, where do you sleep? But he's also trying to say that, you know, he was assigned. Yeah, but if this guy's got the most cush job at the Papa John's, he's probably used to people lying to him to try to get closer to him. I got a three. Okay. He goes, hey, you know what?

There's something you got, kid. Everybody around this Papa John's has been trying to get close to Dorito DeVito, but you're the first one who had the suck to stop me when I'm with my calzocarbocas. You know what? Give me a hand shake. Shake my hand. Oh, well, I don't think I'm worthy enough to shake a hand like yours. If you don't want to shake my fucking hand. And he reaches out for your hand. I'm going to step away. Okay. He goes, okay.

Fucking baby. Piss your pants like a little baby boy. Okay, well, no oranges for you, asshole. Whoa, you're going to insult the top employee right away? That's some Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross shit. Everybody puts down their pizza forks. And then the managers who see that people are eating pizza with forks immediately have them fired. And people put down their pizza hands. And they all turn to you as you call him an asshole and everything goes silent and the fucking piano player stops playing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

And Doritos says, what? Did you just call me? I don't know. I'm really nervous. Um, I just say it again. I say it again. Uh, do you want orange juice in the morning? The last part, say it again. I want to hear it. I want to hear what you call me one more time. So everybody can hear it. Oh,

Link, what's going on, dude? I was over here mocking up plans for the Calzone costume. It felt like we were all on board with that plan. It was a plan. That was just trying to figure out so once we got the Calzone costumes, we could wake them up in the morning and be like, hey, we're here for this shit. Calzone costumes, wake me up. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh, boys, I think this person was trying to plan some sort of heist or something. So why don't you go ahead and- No, I was just thinking that the new mask

mascot for our workplace here would be a calzone you know just like these two fine gentlemen you know to celebrate all the hard work you guys do and I'm sorry about my friend we got nothing but respect for Doritos and Cool Ranch Doritos and everything you got going on Doritos Locos Tacos I can't believe you already told him about Cali the calzone the new cost

Yeah, it was supposed to be a surprise. So we're going to go. All right. Both of you rolled a session with disadvantage. You know how that's going to end up, Anthony. There's two of them doing it. It kind of evens out. Yeah, I thought the calzone plan was great. I was like, oh, we'll just wake him up. And you called him an asshole, Matthew. I know. Well, that was just Link. I got a seven. I got a six. One of the calzones pops its blister in a jet of piping hot magma smoke.

sprays onto Lincoln and it's really bad. It's burning your skin. You scream and you fall to your knees. I try to find some water to throw on. A, grease fire and B, as was set up by Matt in the previous episode, you have to ask for water here. Can I get some water here? Or like, yeah, with some lemon in it or something. How much damage? Roll a 2d10. Seriously? Yeah.

I mean, I'm in death saves. So Link goes limp, falls to the ground and is dying. Good first day at work. If anybody wants to roll a perception check. 13. With a 13, you can see that the act of popping its pizza sauce blister. It's Pazussi. It's Pazussi. You realize that the act of popping its Pazussi actually caused the calzone to take damage. It looks weaker than it did.

before but you're also probably decently distracted by the fact that your friend just died or is almost dying in front of you i'm gonna cast some more wounds on lincoln okay i said whoa whoa whoa we're all part of the baba john's family here it's just a big misunderstanding

So you heal 10 hit points. So I pop up. You pop back up. It feels like there's burns all over your face, but not permanent ones, just like pizza burn on the roof of your mouth type shit. Oh, fuck. Your whole face is the pizza burn on the roof of your mouth. Devastating. Link, you okay, buddy? Yes. Oh, whoop. Bing, bing.

Bing, bing, that's our shift. We gotta get back to work. That's, we can't, we, Papa John's. Dorito jumps onto a table and says, everybody look at what just happened there. You come at me, you come at the master of the pussy wagon, and you get put the fuck down. You don't even look at me. You don't stop me while I'm walking. You do nothing. As far as you're concerned, I am your superior. I am more than you. I'm greater than you. You are the fingernail clippings of a god, and I am like his hand. I'm the hand of his god. You're a figure nothing.

Bye. And he starts heading towards the kitchen. So that's right.

Thank you. I don't know. It sounds like the fingernail clippings of a god would still be pretty powerful. Yeah. So he heads away and Lark goes like, so that happened. Sorry, I would have. I'm trying to help, but it's sort of like I had the one and he takes an empty syringe out of his pocket. And this was full of memories and stuff. And I use this when I saw you guys. I'm sort of saving it so I could be cogent while you're here. But it's kind of it's beginning to fade. And Sparrow has one, too. And he said to sort of save it for when you guys were safe and you could you could properly talk. But.

You're losing your mind right now? What's going on? Yeah, I'm sort of losing myself. I'm not going to be as helpful as I was. I mean, not that you were super helpful to begin with. I...

Alright, fair one. Yeah, you got me there. Look, we gotta figure this situation out. It sounds like if we wait around to try to make a bunch of pizzas, we're all gonna forget who we are, and we're probably just gonna get strung along, so we need to figure out how to steal these keys and get out of here. I thought that Calzone plan was really good. I'm sorry I messed it up. I thought we just need to know where he is so we can go- Link, you gotta not call people assholes. I know! My temper's been really bad lately. What's wrong, bud? My dads aren't around. They really calm me down. Link, whoever you think is an asshole, you can call an asshole. Don't let these assholes tell you who

You can and cannot say. I'm going to disagree with that, Scary. Okay, well, you're an asshole. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. I'm really losing my temper. I think I ruined the idea, or can we still try to make the calzones? We just got to find out where he sleeps. Listen, if the calzone disguises are good enough, we'll be able to. Well, really quick. Are there other calzone guards? There's only two guards. There's only two ones. So that's why my thought is that we can't walk up while they're already calzones. We got to walk up while he's by himself. No, we can ambush one of the calzone guards.

And then in the calzone costume, replace that guard. Wait a second. Wait a second. Hear me out. Hear me out. Three costumes, two calzones. And I look at Hermie and I say, the key. One of us could dress up as a key. I say, I say, Hermie, did you get enough studying Dorito DeVito? He turns around.

And he already looks like Dorito DeVito. Oh my God. Here's what we do. Here's what we do. You tell me. Hear me out. Two of us disguise ourselves as calzones to talk to Dorito DeVito. One of us disguises ourselves as Dorito DeVito to lead the calzones away.

And that way we keep them in two separate areas so that we can get the key and we can steal the pussy wagon. And then the other two of us will just keep working and act like everything's okay and make excuses. And then two lookouts to make sure that the two teams aren't going to come into eye contact with each other. I like that, but how does Hermie ever get to those? Call me Dorito now. We need to find a park where their walk cycles are.

are out of view of other people so that we can separate them somehow. Like maybe I can throw a coin and then Dorito will go look at it over in a room by himself and then we'll do the whole switcheroo. Do you see what I'm saying? No, that's the hard part is the part where Danny Dorito or whatever is away from the calzones. That's easy though. Oh, oh. Lark says, well, the calzones are separate from Dorito when he's out on his runs. Like when he goes into the pussy wagon, he's alone in the pussy wagon and they stand outside of the garage door. So one of us has just got to call in an order.

Perfect. And then Hermie will stand right by the door and then he'll come through and be like, oh, I just finished my run. And then I need... Oh, he forgot his keys. What do you have to tell him? He just says, time to bring me back to the place. And then the Calzones will walk with Hermie. But they won't buy it if he's... And then when

when Dorito Dovito comes out? Yeah, but he'll be- Then we have the two calzones, lead him away. Yeah, then we can beat the shit out of that asshole. Sounds like you're volunteering to be a calzone. It's the perfect plan. Wait, but hold on. How are we going to fool the calzones if Hermie, as Dorito Dovito, shows up without the kappas? Okay, wait, no, here's the other thing. And also, how am I going to get onto the other side of a locked door? Like, they're going to put their backs to a locked door. No, we'll make a distraction. We'll make a distraction that makes them, like, you know, take a few steps forward and then you'll come out of the door and then you'll be right at the door.

Ah, yes. The specific kind of distraction that makes them walk two steps forward. Hey, Hermie, we haven't figured it out yet, man. Give me a break. It's just blue sky. We're just blue sky. An actor needs to understand the space. I'm asking motivational questions. Where's the garage? Like, we come out, we say, hey, fuck you, calzones, and we throw some stuff at them, and then they chase after us. The garage, if you remember, is in the kitchen where we were all stabbing. So we make the calzones chase us around the corner. Okay, so they'll be standing guard on the door. Yes, in the kitchen. Wait a second. No, no, no, I've got it, I've

I've got it. I've got it. Everybody, everybody, everybody. I've got it. I've got it. The order is big enough to hide Hermie in a box. That's

It's like in Ocean's Eleven when they hide the guy in the box. So we do a big order of pizzas. Chinese National Treasure Jet Li. He gets into the back of the box and then we wheel him. The pizza's got to go through the door. That's true. This is incredible. But wait, let's just cut out a few steps here. This is incredible. Let's just get a big enough order that the four of us can be in the box.

And then Hermie can sit back here and be like, hey, here's the big order for you. So we're saying we ordered enough pizza for all four of us. Five of us. And like two dads, all seven of us. Seven of us. Oh yeah, we need to bring your dads too. Shoot.

It needs to be the most insane pizza party. So we call in a pizza party order. Yeah. Interesting. Wait, wait, wait, but hold on. Who's going to have to call and talk to a human being on the phone to do an order? Well, Hermie, Hermie can act as anybody. I mean, I would have to act as a boomer or something. Someone who's comfortable getting on the phone. An ancient one. Yeah, one of the old ones. I don't know if I could. I will have to go into my special zone for this, but I think I could try. Wow.

Okay. This may be, Hermie, I grab him by the shoulders, this may be the hardest thing you've ever done as a teenager. How small, here, let's all lay down on top of each other. How big is this? Like, what's the volume? We can extrapolate. What's the UPS box size of all of us laying down? I lay down on the floor. Come on. I get a small, I curl up like a cat. I curl up like a cat. Link, you're so long, you're like a snake. That's why I'm growing up. We could all do like, of the Tetris pieces, there's the Z piece, right? Yeah. Yeah, the Z piece, which is the equivalent of us

putting our legs at 90 degrees and our hips at 90 degrees. Who orders a Z piece of pizza? No, no, I'm just saying it's the most efficient way to pack the box is that we orient ourselves with the Z pieces. No, a circle is the most efficient geometric shape. Whatever shape you guys want. I was just trying to see how big we all are when we're all laying down right now. Well, okay, so the biggest...

pizza they have is 16 inches. What? Is it? No, but what we're going to do is we're going to put together a ton of pizza boxes and then hollow it out. You know, like with a book, like when you haul out a book, like it'll look like a bunch of pizza boxes stacked on top of each other, but it'll be hollow on the inside. I'm trying to see how many pizzas we have to make for the width of us. Which would be helpful if we knew how big we have to make it so everybody lay down. What?

Like also if we maybe called in an order for a special type of pizza that was bigger than 16 inches like oh I want the loop-de-loop which is two 16 inch is in a loop the Hooters special which is a bunch of wings and

And boobs. It's like a refrigerator box. That's what I'm getting at. I'm just trying to figure out how big. Now, if we all laid sort of in Z shapes on top of and next to each other, how tall are you? He's 6'3". Oh, my God. Look how small I am when I'm crowed up like a cat and I'm like on the ground still crowed up as small as I can be. It strikes me that. All right. So normal puts a large pizza box on the ground and stands in it.

and realizes that like, it's like, if we order, just hear me out. 37 and a half pizzas is the height in order to get six, three. So if we just order seven separate orders to our heights of pizza, and then we just use a dolly to roll each of those. Yeah.

Oh, like one at a time? Yeah. And then we're all basically. We're split up. What happens if one of us falls? What happens if we make a perfect, do that, but put all four columns next to each other and then hollow out the inside so it's just a big empty box that looks like pizza boxes stacked and we all stand in there? That's what I'm saying. Or, or, or. I just don't want to be separated. Imagine if like one of us gets like falls off the back or like they catch one of us. That would be terrible. They would lose an entire order of 37 and a half pizzas.

They can never survive. Like, if you learn anything from The Hobbit, it's that you shouldn't be all these separate barrels. Scary, you're the leader. What do you think we should do? Scary, make the choice. I'm worried about how we're going to pay for this order. Cash on delivery. Ah, okay. No, we're not going to pay for it. Hermey's going to pretend that he's going to pay for it. Yeah. Does any delivery place do that now? Cash on delivery? I'm more wondering how we're going to convince somebody that they've ordered a hundred...

How many boxes is six feet of pizza? About 30 boxes. Okay, so times four. So it's 120 boxes. I should have paid attention in math. This is like 9,000 pizzas, right? 120 boxes of pizza. We could all stand in it. Well, don't forget that we're going to need to construct this out of cardboard. We could just make the outsides of it look like a bunch of sack pizza boxes. That's what I've been saying this whole time. But inside of it is actually a nice, comfortable, cool secret base. Cool secret fort made out of pizza.

pizza boxes. A mobile pizza fort. I look around. Are there any like shipping crates around? No, it's just pizza boxes. How about like where they like get their dough and stuff? There's probably boxes where they like send you some of the ingredients and stuff, but they're not huge. How big is the box that holds all the pizza boxes, Anthony? Those pizza boxes. They don't send you those in boxes.

How long has it been since you worked in a restaurant? They don't send you those in a box. They send you those as broken down cardboard flats with a rubber band around them. So there's no crates. Not person-sized crates, no. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Can you order... I got it, I got it. Can you order calzone people? Like, is that an item on the menu? Like a strip? I'm asking...

They pop out of the box and it's like, happy birthday. Guys, I know what I'm doing for my birthday next year. Is that what you thought, Matt? That you could just order a giant calzone and then you show up to a war? My point is maybe this party would rather have like, you know how they have like big subs? This is like, this is a person. It's like, can you order a party calzones? And then you just order two of them.

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So it rings. Hi. I said it rings. I didn't say anything's up yet. I'm practicing. I'm practicing. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. You don't have to use phones yet. I get it. Hi. Hi. Yeah, like that. Try a hello, Link. Hello. Ring, ring. Yeah, okay. Hello. Ring, ring. Say it like, what's up, gamers? That's what they say. What's up? So you hear a click, and you hear risky clicks of voice going, hello, Papa John's delivery. What's up, Papa?

I'm a big shot down the village nearby. I got a big party. Do you have a delivery order? I would like a delivery order. Okay, let me connect you to the cooks in the kitchen. And then he goes, Link! Kids! I grab the other phone. We have a delivery order! Grab the phone. And you go back to the kitchen? Yeah, I go back to the kitchen. So he hands you the phone, and he goes, somebody wants a delivery order. This is your first delivery order. Make it good. Hey, do you mind? I get nervous when people watch me. Can I just do this on my own?

17. 17? Yeah. And he goes, I mean, it's fine. It's whatever. The lines are recorded anyway. So I'll know if you do bad customer service. Okay. All right. So they're recorded. So I have to, okay. So I was going to stop and I got to finish it. Hey, I got a big party and I, you know, I don't like just normal pizzas. Oh yeah. Well, what is it that you want then?

Well, I don't know if you sell these, but I saw some big walking calzones. And, like, I don't need them walking. And I don't need any, like, feet or anything. But, like, can you make big calzones for a party? Like, two of them? I don't know. I'll have to ask. I'll have to check in with customer service. Um...

And I call out to him, Rick. Hey, this guy wants like big calzones. It's okay if we get like two, if I mix him some big calzones, he's willing to pay a lot. I think I saw a YouTube tutorial on how to do that. So I can do that for sure.

So Risky pops his head back in and he goes, we can send him the calzones, but does he want sentient or non-sentient? We can't give him sentient ones. Oh yeah, no, non-sentient. You should probably check with him, Link. He just wants big calzones. You should check with him and see if he wants them. No, he said he didn't want any feet on them. So I'm pretty sure he meant like no walking, like not sentient. He just wants to eat them. So like, okay, that's cool. So yeah, you can make big calzones. Just make pizzas and turn them into that. This is a big order, man. You're going to be really proud. I'm going to listen to that later. I better hear good calzones. Keep going, man. Keep going.

Hey, okay, so yeah, we can do that. I just need your address. I unnormal frantically looks through the receipts to find another address that someone else has been ordering from. What am I normal? Roll an investigation.

Nor want any address. Why? What the fuck is an address? Hey, hey, before I give you an address, um... Stole, stole yourself! Stole yourself! I want double check. I want, like, pepperoni. I want a lot of that joy. I got a natural 20. You get to make up an address, and it's correct. Whatever you make up is a real address. Uh, it's, uh, the Empire Center. Yeah, it's the Empire Center. Just ask for me. Uh, Lincoln. What the fuck?

Whoa, hey! That's wild! My name's Lincoln too, man! Oh yeah, good name. Good name. This is how we're Lincoln at the Empire Center. And I want three... No, I want... Wait. I want seven calzones. Whoa, 70! I want seven calzones really big. Like six feet. Yeah, six feet.

And, you know, whatever the cost, man, don't care. That sounds like a big party. That sounds really good, man. When do you want it? ASAP, as soon as possible. All right. Oh, that's what that stands for. Okay, great. All right. We'll see you soon. Thanks for shopping at Papa John's. And then I hang up. Hey, guys, I think we got seven calzones orders. Risky walks in and is going. That was incredible.

You managed to move six six foot calzones. Seven. He said seven actually. We gotta get started. Like six foot three feet. I do have some notes. You didn't try to upsell him on our breadsticks. Any dips. Any sodas. Also notably you forgot to ask for a credit card number or any form of payment. He seems like he's pretty good for it so once we get there. Roll persuasion. Roll persuasion. Just like

hearing him through the phone you seem like a cash from delivery type of person i got a six and he goes no you're gonna have to call him back and this time this time while i watch i'm gonna make sure you do it right okay um i look nervously at my two hand the phone to normal yeah i hand the phone to normal give me a sleight of hand with advantage do i do it too both of you can do sleight of hand normal not advantage i got 13 i got a 19 you slide one of the phones easily to normal

It's like that scene in Now You See Me where he's back home. Why do we keep referencing Now You See Me? That fucking movie whips ass, dude. There's so many better movies. No, there's not, man, but there's zero magician movies, okay? There's only one and then it turns out that one's not really a magician movie because it's a twit the whole time. But they always give it

Yeah, it's Earth, dude!

There's a broom closet. There is, you know, the bathroom and then there's the big cafeteria area. I'm going to duck into the bathroom and I say, excuse me, I need to go to the little boy's room.

Sorry, I think my voice just dropped a little bit. Sorry, I have to go to the bathroom. I just hit puberty. I have to go wax my mustache. One second, goodbye. Okay, goodbye. And I duck into the men's restroom. Okay, cool. It's one of those one-staller, or it's not even a stall. It's just a toilet. It's a non-gender toilet, but there's only the one of them, so you're alone in there. It's only for men. It's not so much.

It is a sit-down toilet, but only I can use it. Yes, I wait by the phone. It rings, I'm assuming. Okay. Yeah, so again, Risky Click is making horrible, slightly bug-eyed eye contact with you the entire time. This is Lincoln. You've got the Empire Center. And he goes, put him on speaker. I want to hear it all. Okay. I put him on speaker, and I kind of look at Risky Click like, you know, let me know if I'm doing anything wrong. Oh, I will. Hey, Mr. Lincoln, this is Link from the Empire Center. Oh, yeah. Hey, what's up?

He's already shaking his head. Oh, sorry. I was a little nervous. Papa John's, I'm sorry. I made a big mistake. Oh, you did? Yeah, I didn't get your credit card information. You gotta pay for it, so if you could... Credit card? No problem. Okay, thanks. It's a little Home Alone 2 for you guys. I'm almost saying all of his lines to his talk boy Deluxe.

Yeah, my credit card. What kind of credit card do you take? And Normal fumbles through his pockets and realizes he doesn't have a credit card, so... You know, just the one that's got 16 numbers and just...

And, you know. Right. Well, yeah, you can charge it to Lincoln Normal at the Empire Center. Okay. And my credit card number. If you zoom in on his mouth, he's like mouthing Lincoln Normal. He doesn't say it, but you can see him mouthing it. My credit card number is 818. 818.

535. 535. 27. 27. 27. I can't read the whole card. How many numbers is that? That's 10. Oh, 616405. Okay, good. Expiration date. Oh.

I look at Risky like, right? Like, I'm doing a good job? Oh, it's March two years from now. Yeah, me too. And how about...

Me too. About the code. CBB2 code. Yeah, the secret code on the back or whatever. It's not the secret code. It's the CBB2 code. The secret code on the back. The secret code is Osiris-9. Oh, no. Just 0-9 what? It's just three or four. Oh, that's right. Six. Six.

Oh, six. Okay, six, six, six, six. Great. All right. Well, yep. I'll charge this in just a sec. And I hope you enjoy your calzones. I can't wait to eat them. Okay, great. All right. You see Taylor being like upsell bread. Oh, oh, oh. Risky Click is nodding and pointing at Taylor. Oh, yeah. Do you want forgot? You know, it goes really good with seven, six foot tall calzones.

Breadsticks. More bread. More bread. And also we got drinks. Just normal two liters. Just two liters. And yeah. And oh, yeah. And that's it. Do you want some bread? Yeah. Put me down for a small breadsticks with my seven, seven calzones. All right. Great. You sure? Do you need more boxes or anything like that? 50 extra calzones.

cardboard boxes in there. Hey, look, just between you and me, you ain't getting the best deal of the small breadsticks. If you get the large breadsticks, you get more bread for your money. Risky Click is nodding. You know, I really don't like being pressured into these high-risk sales tactics. No pressure. I just don't want your party members to be disappointed when there's not enough breadsticks to go around for all those people enjoying those calzones. Oh, God. Oh, you're right. I'll take 70 orders of breadsticks. Oh, okay. Well, that's... Wow. Thank you so much, sir. How much will that be? Five.

Fuck. Why did I say that? I look at Risky. Do you have like a calculator? Risky says, if he knows the price, he won't want to. Just tell me. It's all good. Don't worry about it. You'll see the price on your receipt after we charge you. Risky clicks links to you and gives you the thumbs up. You'll price on your receipt. Okay, great. Goodbye. And I hang up the phone. Risky turns away for a second. And when he turns back, his eyes are red and a tear is falling down his cheek. And he kneels next to you, Link, and he says,

That was the greatest upsell I've ever seen. You got him to buy it. Yeah, way to go, Link. Thanks. 70 things of breadsticks. That's quite a bit to go from just one small to 70. And you got him to not ask what the price was. That's pretty, yeah, you know. And sell it to another Link in what are the odds, man? What are the odds? It's pretty wild. All right. So we should get started. That's a lot of cooking we got to do. Yeah, you better get started. You're going to be working through a break. You're not getting your break, but hey. Oh, that's okay. Papa's going to appreciate the work you did today. Oh, thanks. Nice.

A couple more days of that, you might find yourself being drivers. Wow. Normal comes back from the bathroom. I wash my hands. Oh, yeah, you can tell. Yeah, that's great. All right, so Risky... I mean, I wash my hands. Sorry, my voice undropped. So Risky goes, I'm going to go up in the front, and yeah, you get started on making some calzones. Be careful, it can be pretty hot. And he heads back to the front, and Lark goes, that was not...

So are we eating the calzones here? No, Uncle Ark, we're going to hide in them so we can escape. Don't tell anyone that. But we don't get the calzones? No. You know what? I'm going to write down the plan on a piece of paper and you can put this in your little pocket. And then when you get confused, you look at it and you'll remember what we're doing. Or when he gets like caught, he's going to narc. I'm going to write it in Elvish, the language that Uncle Ark taught me. Okay. I did. That's funny.

That's the thing I did. When you're in the calzone, you can eat some of it. So yeah. I'm just hungry. And you get the sense that he is regressing a little bit. And he's like, this is boring. Anyway, yeah. Shit. Just a side note. That's something that I don't know where Dorothy learned boring. But now when she goes to bed, I'm like, okay, time to go to bed. She goes, but it's boring. I'm like, yeah, but if it's boring, you'll eventually fall asleep. She goes, ugh, bed's boring. Yeah.

A teen huddle real quick. Okay. Okay. So far, so good. Just sums up all around. I just want to just note just a quick question. Aren't they going to be suspicious when seven of us disappear? I mean, well, okay. What if we act like the boxes are really heavy and we can't carry them? Like, oh, I need help with carrying this box out. That's fine. But then who's in your box? Like, you know what I'm saying? Do we have a bedroom though? Where we sleep, we just put a bunch of pillows underneath for a bit. Ah, okay.

I mean, yeah, they're going to know we're gone as long as we're out of here first. As long as we get out of here. Okay, okay. So we need to figure out just an additional thing. But I do think one of us might have to stay back to like the process of giving the calzones to Dorito guy. Like, Hermie can just be here and not say we have to get rid of Hermie.

I'm just like, Herbie can be here and just like, hey. Wait, this will work. Nobody's going to mistake in this order for a different order. No, but the question is, Link, how do we all fit into the calzones and get ourselves delivered? Frito DeVito probably just picks up the orders. Like, we'll just leave all of our calzones on the counter. Just so you know, while you were doing that, I rolled perception for Risky Click and he rolled an eight. So he's like, that's fine.

Somebody named Taylor scary. This is fine. I'm not going to go back and check on him again. I'm just saying we need to figure out a good excuse for why seven of us are no longer behind the counter and in the kitchen. Maybe a note that we'd write on the thing that says like, Hey Dorito. Oh, here, uh, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick by his friends. You can call me right now. After, after upselling 70 orders of breadsticks, you can call me really excited about the marathon cook session. We're about to have, um, once we're done, can we get our break then? I think, uh,

Is that the way the process goes? We'll just leave the calzones out and somebody will come pick them up for delivery? Well, yes, but you're going to have to stay awake just in case, you know, they get the calzones and there's something wrong with them and they need them taken back or need additional ones taken. You got to see this through the end, my boy. Okay. They got to be happy. The money's got to be in our coffers. Here's what we'll do. We'll be very exhausted at the end of that. We'll rest in our rooms. Pelo ideas.

yeah on call on call with our phones right next to us how's that persuasion because we want to make sure i'm gonna try to help because we want to make sure that we got we're all rested up for our next shift because man i'm i want to my own horn but i feel like i could get a few more deliveries like that tomorrow if we all rest it up can i get advantage on that persuasion roll no but he can help you with his uh his own persuasion i have a nine on that can you throw a persuasion come on matt damn it i got three and he goes hey pizza never sleeps

And honestly, the kind of sales you're making, if you don't sleep, you just grind a little bit harder. You rise and grind, never sleep and grind. You can definitely get that promotion very, very soon. So no, I believe in you. You'll stick here. I'll be here with you, man. No need for that. We really want to impress you and we kind of want to be a

teens on our own. Okay, well, I'll let you do your magic for the calzones part. Once it's done, I'll come in here and I'll be with you for any adjustments we need to make to the recipe, anything like that. All right. As soon as you're done, as soon as you hit that bell to summon Dorito DeVito to come get the pizzas, I'll be there to congratulate you on a job well done. I think one step at a time. I think we're going to have to

Let's let him leave first and we can talk freely. Okay. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm not leaving. I say stuff like that around people all the time. I'm kind of a loose cannon. Okay. Two options here, I think. Okay. We could...

do a bunch of us in there and one person stays back and then that person gets saved when we drive the cat bus back in through the door bust in through i think one person yeah i think he's gonna have to escape through the tunnels of darkness and despair because we're gonna need one that's the only flaw in this plan is we're gonna need one person to stay behind to talk to risky click so you know wait wait talk to risky click or be risky click her me

If Risky Click comes back here. Hermie turns around. He already looks like Risky Click. Look, I'm not pro-murder. I'm not saying we kill, but I think we subdue Risky Click and hide him. And then, Hermie, you be Risky Click. And you ring the bell. And when Dorito comes, you should say, hey, yeah, this was made for you. That way, no question, he'll just tell them to put the pizzas in. Hermie, we will come back for you. Matt does not care. But leave.

It's promising. Like, we will find a way to get you back. But I think you're the only one who's talented enough to pretend to be Risky Click. Hermie bends over at the waist like Risky Click would, and his eyes are like right next to yours. And he goes, is that a promise, Lincoln? It is. I almost died trying to save you from the nacho cheese. I know we've had some rough times, but like, man, we're all in this together. Like, we're all going to, you know, leave nobody behind. Normal goes up to Hermie and says, Hermie, we will come back for you.

I pinky promise. And I put out my pinky for a pinky promise. So he is going to flip a coin. Oh shit.

He reaches out with his burned hand and pinky promises you and says, you know what happens if you break this promise? I don't think I have to tell you. Yeah, I feel bad, right? Oh, you will. But that's not going to happen because we're going to come back. You know what? Because you're part of this team, Hermie. You came all the way to this realm to help us and you're a great actor and we believe in you and you're going to do a great job and then we're going to come back and we're going to get you. Okay, I'm going to go do some more research on my primary. Okay.

I'm going to center myself. And the next time we see each other, you won't recognize me. So for now, this is farewell. Okay. And like that, he walks into the front of the thing and then just stares at risky click for a while. Just resting his hand, his head on his laptop and like a little stand on his chest. Yeah.

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See store for details. Now it's back to you guys. Oh, so here's my thought, by the way. So to kill risk, you click. We'll just have someone standing at the oven being like, something's wrong with this oven. And then be like, oh, the pilot light must be out. Oh, you get risky click. And then we just. You're going to Hansel and Gretel him. Yeah. Hansel and Gretel him. Yes, exactly. Classic. Do we want to kill him or can we just knock him out and tie him up? I mean, you could throw him in an oven. You know, yeah. How do you turn on the oven? You can lock the oven. Yeah, we'll just, we'll figure it out. Do ovens have locks on?

A bike lock makes any door. A U-lock. A U-lock makes any object lockable. You know what I'm saying? Can we just make calzones? Do we have to roll? We're making the boxes is what it is. Well, which part do you want to do first? Do you want to make the calzones or do you want to... Yeah, because these calzones also have to pass inspection.

Yeah. Yeah. They're not going to stick their fingers in them. So I might look at one of the calzones. These things have to at least pass a cursory class. They're going to open it like if you've ever worked at a pizza place, generally before you take the shit out, you at least open it to make sure that it's the fucking correct toppings or whatever. We actually have to make seven foot. Hold on real quick. Sorry. Anthony's worked at a pizza place.

Matt, you worked at a pizza place and you don't even know this. I worked at a pizza place. You worked at a pizza place too? Yeah. Will? I never. I just said that we have to make ourselves ready. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right. Wow. I didn't realize that more than half of us have worked at pizza places. Yeah. It's a pretty common job. And then two rich boys. And then two privileged boys. We're the ones who are in the pizzas. I was the one who left it on your doorstep saying, please, sir. Five dollars for the gas, sir. If you wouldn't

mine. Here's a tip. Get a new job. Oh, one day I'll make a podcast and you'll be sorry. I think Taylor already establishing his pizza acumen is going to get to spinning dough, throwing it in the air. Let's make some rolls. Let's make some. Let's make some. Yes. What would you all argue you could roll as a skill for making pizzas in nature? Survival. Is it survival? I'm just going to pick something that I'm good at.

No, that's not how that works. Let me look at these. I mean, I'm going to love those. How about Insight? Nope. Insight. If you were trying to see what a pizza felt about you. Nope. If you were trying to jump over a pizza. Well, I think, here, I'll give you survival. Pizza qualifies as food that makes you feel good about yourself. Can I use medicine? I was going to say survival or medicine.

What about deception? I'm not even going to ask for an advantage despite the fact that I said my past life I was a pizza person. Oh, that's a good point. I got 18 plus 2, so I got 20 on my roll. Wow. Well, I did medicine. Survival and medicine is the same. I think deception should be the third one. Because you're deceiving that you're good at making a pizza. Or nature. No, deception is good because sometimes you can just get a pizza to look right. It's nature, survival, or medicine. Those are your three you can roll to make pizza well.

I rolled survival and I got four. And I just want to point out that I've not gotten advanced despite throwing nothing but bangers for like all season. So I rolled a 14 for nature. Okay. Can I say I casted guidance on everybody before they made their pizzas? Yeah, why not? Everybody gets a D4 to add to their role. So that would be four plus four. So that's an eight. And I think that the whole time Taylor is just thinking that he's doing it without realizing that someone behind them is like doing it.

Guidance is only one willing creature and therefore since his concentration should only be one of these people but the image of normal just running to and fro people just doing ghost on them is... Puppeting elbows. Way too good. And I feel like it's a montage of like four hours of making calzones. Yeah. It's not like a one-time thing. It's somehow the like ghost music but it's the... The pizza pie music? Yeah, yeah. It's that but like sensual and 90s.

It's like a sexy version of spinning plates every time one of us starts fading. Taylor keeps squinting because he's like, why is it so soft focus in here? We'll say I'm doing a pizza team cheer for everybody. Give me a P, give me an I, give me a Z. That's probably a more appropriate character relatable than a ghost. Then, you know, if you had died from a crime, better.

You got shot by a mugger and now you're trying to get your wife? Fiance? Fiance. Fiance to solve your murder? And you make her make out with Whoopi Goldberg. Oh, God, yeah, that's right. That's fucking great. Okay, so the original Wonder Woman plot conceit really is... Yeah, really. So the rolls you got were 8, 22, you said? 24. 24. I got 20 plus 4. I got 18. 18. I was going to say, I just Googled good cheers, like what are popular cheerleading cheers, and one of them I shit you not is just go team, go team, go team. That's a good cheer. Classic. Classic.

That's the top result on Google. Google searches bullshit now. I'm sorry. It's bad now. Okay, so what I'm going to do is... Yes, I'm going to take the average of all of those and that is the perception check that Dorito DeVito is going to have to make

to willingly accept these pizzas and travel with them. When he dips his cocaine nail into the pizza. Into the calzone. Rubs it on his fucking teeth. And he goes, ooh, that's a spicy margarita. He takes out a big knife, cuts into the middle of the box. Yes.

Okay, so what are you going to do? What is that? So the average is 16.6 repeating. Okay, so 17. Are you going to have 17 or 16? 17. He's going to have to beat a 17 roll to notice that something is awry with the pizzas. So the calzones are made. They're pretty damn good. They are peak person size. Person shaped even vaguely. How are you going to deal with Risky Click? And then who's going to get in? Talk me through this shit. I think we all just slip into our calzones. Everyone, it's time to enter your calzone cocoon. Oh, and we have 70. But you're not going to kill Risky Click.

No, no, no. Here's the thing. We're going to be outside. It's fine because once we get our Risky Click, we're going to take our time. We'll be outside to shove Risky Click into the oven. Yeah, we just need to call Risky Click in right now. Or we could tie him up on a phone call. We're like, we need to speak to your manager. Oh, here's what it is. We'll put it on the phone call and then we'll put them on hold so we're not talking inside. When the bells rung.

Dorito DeVito is going to show up with the walking. Yeah. So then Hermes and Risky Click is going to come in if he was on phone call. He told you he was going to come in when he heard the bell. We need Risky Click. We need to disable Risky Click. We need to we need to take him down. We need to take him down. OK. How's that bathroom? Is there a lock on the bathroom? The bathroom had a lock from the inside. Yeah, but you could always put like a chair or something. There was also a broom closet. Normal runs frantically into the main room towards Risky Click. It says, Mr. Click, Mr.

There's a boom boom accident in the boys bathroom. Why don't you roll deception? There's a girl in the bathroom. There's a woman. There's a woman. A woman shat in the bathroom. Fuck. I got a six. Oh, no, you idiot. It wasn't the toilet. It was in the broom closet. That's why it's a big, big disaster. So with the six that you rolled then. Well, did she get to roll dice for her? I mean, I guess. Yeah, go for it. Fudge. Natural.

Oh, that's a seven. I got 11. Natural seven. So yeah, with both of those like not great roles, he goes, well, that's a good thing because that means it's time for you to learn the other element of your job here, which is cleaning up those areas. Yeah, I don't know how to do that. I've never cleaned anything in my life as you can tell by smelling me. He hands you a mop and he says, you will figure it out. Don't worry. Oh, can you just show me where we do it? Please, manager. Oh, here's what you do.

Can you just show, wait, is he in the kitchen now? Yeah. Not to be too simple, but we could just, before we could overpower him. Oh, he's in the room right now. Yeah, just push him into the... Okay, I push the mop into the door to block the door. Ah, yeah, he's giving us the exact tool to block the fucking door from the outside. Guys, cover his mouth. Poor guy. Taylor was like a spider monkey in the corner above the door, Home Alone style. So the moment that he came in, Taylor drops and then just like wraps his legs and

arms around his head so now he's got a roll acrobatics I'm springing a trap though like a survival no not I'm sorry you picked a shitty character class sorry survival is fucking worthless in a campaign where you're like not actually going on long trips and taking campfires and shit shut the fuck up I'm gonna make it work and then you're gonna fucking weep at how cool it's gonna be okay I think you actually built the wrong room

I think I'm just going to stick a tomato in his mouth. Five plus one, six. Okay, so you fall down and he easily can tell he feels something like fucking the Samurais from Seven Samurai that something's descending on him. Didn't Glyde try this move and also fuck it up? Yeah, he sure did. And he grabs you out of the air and he goes, what? I'm going to grab him. He knows it's coming now, so it's just full on a post-strength check. And also I think Scary was going for a tomato into the mouth. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you get to roll which is allergic to I think are we all piling on to him now? Yeah, it sounds like y'all did it basically at the same time. Yeah, we should all just Larkin sparrow helping us shit. I need to go get Larkin sparrow. That'll be next. Yeah, I'll be next time There's gotta be a full advantage with like all four of us tack what I'm basically doing is I'm allowing you to all to do it You're getting your surprise round because he didn't know is gonna What are we rolling so you first stuffing a tomato in his mouth? I feel like you're rolling sleight of hand perhaps you're rolling a strength check link and

What are you doing, Normal? Point of no return. We should definitely block the door so he can't, like, go back out. That's what Normal was jamming the door with. Okay, so yeah. So the door is blocked. You're once again trapped for the second time in two episodes.

Some part in the back of Risky Clicks mind, he's like, there's something familiar. Deja vu, if you will, yeah. I got a 17 on that tomato. Wow, okay, so this tomato right into his fucking mouth. He tries to scream for help, but is unable to be heard around the edges of the forbidden fruit. Now we gotta like duct tape the tomato into his mouth so he can't. He's like slowly could chew the gag. Well, he's reaching toward it with his hand and then you're gonna make your strength check. You got a 12? Okay, he's gonna make a strength check too. You got a 14. He manages to like

Remove your hands. Everybody roll initiative. 16. Two plus one, three. Four episodes in a row, guys. This will be a fast one. No, I believe it. We're just pushing them in. Nine. I got a three. Link, it is your turn first. I would like to tie. I'm going to take one of the, like, an apron or a fucking, you know, whatever, a kitchen rag, and I'm going to tie it around his head to make a gag from the tomato. Okay. Give me a sleight of hand or a strength check.

18 plus 3, 21. Yeah, so you dexterously tie a greasy rag around his mouth and it pushes the tomato deeper into his throat and he can't just spit it out now. Basically, if he wants to get rid of that thing, he's going to have to spend his entire day. That's a full airway block. He's got his nose. Okay, so that was your action. That's cool. So he's going to spend... So he was next. So he's next. He can either spend his entire turn to try to take the gag off and yank out the tomato or he can try to...

remove the bolt on the door we're probably grappling him right well you said you just type it there you're not grappling him he's gonna spend his entire turn trying to take the gag out of his mouth as he backs up towards the door not realizing that it's barricaded so he like bumps up against and it won't fucking move can that be a strength check against me though since i am like i literally just tied it on him i am there like tying it on him wouldn't it be kind of like

It's not like I tied it on him and just like put my hands up and was like, ta-da. You know what I mean? Okay, sure. Like just in terms of like what the mechanic is. Mechanicus. Adeptus Mechanicus. God damn it. From the Fortress of Moss. I did do that. I tied it and I went, ta-da. And I got a three. You got a three? I got a three. Okay, so he got a seven. So he backs up to the door and he removes the gag and spits out the tomato. And he goes, hey!

Help us find some more ingredients. And now it is Scary's turn. Okay, I'm going to... Hermie better be primed and ready to go. Hermie needs to be him instantly. I'm going to cast Eldritch Blast. Ha ha ha!

Great. My cantrip. Great. And I'm going to try to aim it so that he goes into the oven. His back is to the door of the kitchen, which is the opposite side of the kitchen from the oven. If you want to try to like move him there, you'll have to do it physically or whatever. But if you just want to hit it with an Eldritch Blast, that's also totally fine. I'll do Eldritch Blast in his head, but in a non-TBI sort of way. Just a polite concussion. Just a nice little movie knockout. Not at actual consequences.

We'll determine how non-lethal it is based on how much damage you do. Okay. Because I know how much HP he has, and I know how much, if you go over, it will not be non-lethal. He's definitely injured from last combat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Risky Click didn't have a chance at short rest either, dude. No, he didn't. He was fucking answering phones. He's always grinding. So I got a 14. Did you add anything to it, or did you just roll a straight 14? I'm going to add 4 to it. All right, so you rolled an 18. Yeah. So yeah, you got an 18, so that definitely hits him. Big money, big money. Decent.

That's a nine. His head explodes. No! Oh my god, scary! What the fuck? I quit! Everybody who was grappling him, his fucking chunks of what used to be Risky Click just fucking slap you in the face. You're covered in it. That's a spicy marinara. Yeah, there's no way we're getting our break after this. Okay, well, let's just... Problem about the toilet! I should start handing everyone syringes and normal just taps himself in.

No, no. I stop him. I try to stop him. No, you're going to forget the plan. You be present. You be present. You learn from this. You learn from this, normal. Okay. All right. I mean, he was basically enslaving us, right? So, like, that's bad. He was not a good guy. He wasn't a good guy. He was the manager. Taylor is, like, carefully propping him up on the toilet so that, like, from beneath you see his feet. And he's like, I do feel weird about pulling his pants down. I'll just...

I'll just kind of bunch up the cloth here a little bit around his ankles. Close the door and we put a sign up that says, do not go in there. We print up, we go online, we find that meme on Facebook and we post that picture. I think Hermie just does that to the people in the cafeteria. Oh yeah, Hermie comes out. That's Hermie's introduction. Yeah, Hermie comes out and he goes, hey everyone, I'm about to...

to miterate. Do not go in there. Woo! And he closes the door behind him and he sees the corpse of the person that he was training to be and he sort of like looks at it with a curious eye and then he dips a finger into the blood of his neck and he just puts it beneath both of his eyes and he goes,

I'm ready. Oh my god. Order up! Enter the calzones, boys and lady. And we grab Lark and Sparrow. Norm emerges pale, trembling, flop sweat, and goes to find Lark and Sparrow. Lark and Sparrow are working the cash registers as usual. You see in the back of Sparrow's waistband, he's got the syringe Lark told you about that you're supposed to use that on him when you're ready to talk with him. And both of them are just taking orders and stuff. Orders, by the way, are backed up superbly.

so hard. What's going on? We heard they were singing for more ingredients. The first thing they forget is how long they've been in line though. Hello, gentlemen, fellow Papa John's employee here. I need two of you to help us with a special order in the back. A special order, of course. And they both follow you in. Okay, boys, get in the calzones.

What? I need you to both be real big, brave boys right now and get into these giant calzones, okay? Ew. I mean, can you do that for me, though? They look at each other and they're both, ew. I don't, ew. Ew. Can you do it, though? Can you please get in the calzone, please? It's hot. For Pete's sake. And I grab the syringe that Sparrow has hidden behind him and I boop him with it. Oh, wow. Okay. His pupils dilate and he looks around and immediately pulls you into a big hug.

Hi, Dad. Hey, it's me. It's normal. Lots going on. We need you to get in this calzone. I'm sorry I said I wasn't proud of you. Oh, for real? Hey, make sure that's the right one. Are you sorry you said it or you don't believe it? I'm sorry I said it.

well, let's get into the calzone so I can rescue you from the dumb situation you got yourself in and we'll talk about it. Well, you know what? We'll talk about it later. Okay, dad? Well, this is going to wear off at some point, but yeah, we can talk about it later. Yeah, it's fine. We'll talk about it later. You two are small enough. You could probably fit in one calzone if you want to talk to your dad on the trip. Yeah. Yeah, how about it, sport? You want to slide inside a calzone with your dad? You're old, man. All right, just get in the calzone. Too old to share a calzone with your pop-pop? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

All right, Norabull and Sparrow get into a calzone together. Sparrow looks at Lark and he goes, hey, Lark, I bet I can fit inside one of these calzones better than you. And Lark goes, no, you can't. Lark runs into one of the calzones and just like rips it open with his hands. Ow, it's hot. I don't care. I'm fine, though. I don't feel the pain. I don't feel the pain. Strong boy. And he gets inside and like, you just see him like pull the flaps closed. He pulls the flaps closed and then you see the doe like do that little like twisty pattern. Yeah.

These cow's oats look like they've been folded from the inside. How did you do that? You're amazing. Columbo staring at it. Just one more.

It's funny. My wife makes calzones. She says you have to fold them from the outside. So yes, everyone is within their calzone. Right before my calzone gets zipped up, my hand goes up and dings the order bell. Hermie's like, I could have done that. He goes, okay, we're boxing you up. Before I get into my calzone with my dad, I go up to Hermie and I'm like, Hermie, I'm like,

pretty nervous about talking to my dad. Like, do you have any like advice? Like you seem really wise and like, you know what you're doing and like, you're really confident in like, I'm really nervous about talking to my dad about like this stuff. And like, should I just not talk about it? Should I just pretend every, like, how do I pretend everything's fine? Like you're good at pretending stuff. Don't pretend anything's fine, Norm. Yeah. Nothing's fine. Everything's fucked up. That's right. I said it. The F word. Oh,

wow this is coming from a calzone it's just like bouncing up and down it's bouncing a little bit so you know that's the one talking I can't really hear it it's just like scary I don't

I don't know. Like, I love my dad. And if I yell at him, like, I feel like I'm never going to stop yelling at him. And I don't want to hate him, but I'm mad at him. Take it as a woman. Sometimes you have more power by not yelling. Just a firm glare and a harsh word. What am I saying? I have no power no matter what. You're very powerful, Scary. I just want you to know that. And I say that. Yeah, you blew that guy's head up. Yeah, you blew a guy's head up. Oh, God, she did. I shake my box. I'm like, hey, I'm in this calzone over here, buddy. Here, come on. I want to tell you something. I lean in. Hey.

hey look man i offer that you guys could go in the same calzone because i find sometimes with my dad's you just gotta you just gotta sit down and talk it's gonna really force you to just you know work it out it's not gonna be pleasant in that calzone i mean one you're in a calzone but two it's just it's gonna be a tough talk but just like you know get it out you know talk to him you we're gonna be in there for a long time so just you know okay your feelings don't leave anything on the table otherwise it gets old and gross what if i say something that hurts his feelings and he hates me he's already not proud of me like i don't want him to hate me i'm gonna get worse man he'll never

He'll never hate you. That's what the redemption arc is for. Okay. He'll never hate you. You know what? If he hates you, that's on him, man. He's your dad. That's his job. So just, just tell him how you feel. Ah,

Okay. You got this, Norm. And make an air hole. Yeah, so you can breathe. Can you guys breathe? Are you okay? No, I can't really breathe, but it's pretty cool. I stick my finger through, so you see a little finger come out, and I give you a little wave with one finger, too. Thanks, man. Good luck in there. It's scary. This is for you, and I poke my finger in to give her an air hole as well, so you can breathe. I stick my middle finger out, too. Okay.

Okay, thanks for the pep talk, everybody. And I crawl into the calzone with my dad. So Hermie goes, okay, fuck me then. Oh, wait, no, I'm Hermie. No, it's fine. I toss my coin and he shows you the coin. You can see that on one end of the coin is a crude scratching of Hermie's face. On the other end is like the drama mask. And he flipped it and it came up Hermie face. He's like, I was going to give you some advice from Hermie's heart, but that's fine. I lean in and I go, hey, I didn't even know there was a Hermie here. Because somebody is such a good actor. Are you?

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to right now? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Do you think I need...

You're pandering? Do you think I need the reviews? The Glassdoor reviews that you're trying to offer me right now? Glassdoor reviews for acting? If we were going to review you, Hermie, I'd say you're real great. And I'm sorry I didn't get your advice. It sounds like it would have been really something. No, it's great. No, it's totally cool to ask for advice, then not take it as you're leaving me behind to die in this plan. Oh my gosh, Hermie. No, you know what? Nope, zip. And he just goes ahead and he closes the cardboard box. I had my fist was out for a fist pound from Hermie, my homie, my good job, bro. And he fist pounds. He goes, thanks, bro. That's it.

That's why you're my favorite. Yep. So far. Don't worry about it, man. It's pretty whack of him to fucking volunteer. Now he's complaining. Yeah, it's awesome. I can hear all of this. Ding, ding, ding. And then I get into the calzone. Okay, so you are enmeshed in warm cheese and pizza sauce. It feels...

Not unsafe. It feels not unlike the womb. The womb. The womb. And you hear the heavy steps of... The woma-see. The woma-see. The posissy woma-see. Finally, I have returned to the woma-see. Deep inside your posissy, you hear three sets of footprints approaching. And you hear a voice that sounds identical to Risky Clicks saying, There you are. There are seven very large calzones. Hurry up.

This is an important client at the Empire Center. And Dorito DeVue says, who the fuck do you think you are to talk to me that way? And you hear footsteps get closer. He goes, I'm the shift manager and this is my shift.

And you just hear them staring at each other. And then Davida goes, well, let me check him out. And each of you in turn see some light begin to, and you can see the silhouette through the fleshy, doughy exterior of your cocoon. Yeah.

You can see him like looking at you, drawing a finger across the skin. You see his nose like in front of the air hole? And he is going to roll to see if he believes that these are truly calzones or not. And we got a 17, right? Yes, at least match or beat a 17. In the calzone, Scary is slowly sliding the knife out. I haven't jerked off in a good 17 hours. So you got a seven? You got a seven. So he goes.

how did you get the folding to happen inside? How did you do it? These are the most beautiful calzones I've ever fucking seen. Let's go. The calzone carbuncles help him pick him up and you hear for the first time the sound of the garage door opening and you hear the purr of the engine of the pussy wagon. You feel yourself get lifted up and placed down in the back of the pussy wagon which is like vibrating beneath you which is even more soothing now. It's warm and soothing. Normal falls asleep. I fall deeply falls asleep too.

And you hear the car start. Bark!

And then you start moving. Hey, Dad. So here I am. So you're not in your in your suit. Yeah, I lost it a while ago. You know, I've been rethinking all that lately. Oh, is it because of what I said? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, I mean, I guess I kind of always knew you didn't. You know, I knew you loved me, but I never really got the vibe that you or mom like like me that much. So I don't know about.

That. No, I love you. And I just I'm worried about you. That's the thing is I'm really worried about me for your uncle and I didn't get to be kids for very long. We had a very unusual. I read about that. Yeah, it's right. You guys. Yeah, pretty, pretty crazy.

Yeah. And when I look at you and I see you making a lot of decisions that you make, I see somebody who's also maybe a little destined to not have a normal childhood. And I never wanted that for you. I kind of got that from the way you named me growing up. Yeah. It felt like I was maybe too on the nose and I was tempting fate with that one. But.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you should just do whatever makes you happy. And but I don't know. You were so obsessed. Even when you were in kindergarten, you fell on your face once and all the kids laughed and you didn't know they were laughing at you. So every time you came into class, you'd fall on your face again. Well, you'd be the word liar with that. It was funny.

Yeah. So there's laughing with and laughing at. You're such a sweet boy. You've never laughed at anybody. You've never had a mean spirited bone in your body. And that scares the shit out of me because this world is mean. Yeah. Well, I mean, I get all that, dad. I understand. But like, I'm happy. I just like being who I am. I just wish you were proud of me. Like, if you want to talk about like what doesn't feel normal, it's that my dad thinks I'm stupid for being the way I am. That sucks.

Yeah, that that makes sense. That makes sense. Maybe that's just the way you and I appreciate that, you know, I can see why it would be important for you that I be happy and that I be, you know, that you had this weird, you know, crazy childhood with Grandpa Henry and Grandma Mercedes and you and Lark. And it was seemed like it was really hard. And I'm sorry that it's like that. But to be honest, I'm also like, I don't feel normal now. I felt normal to all this shit happened that you did that I'm dealing with.

That's yeah, that's the thing I was the most afraid of more so than than you not having, you know, a friend or somebody to date or just because people are laughing at you. I was way more scared that you'd be involved in all this. And the fact that you are that you're having to deal with the things that Lark and I started and he starts to like for some reason you feel the pizza around you getting a little saltier as as some of his tears begin to leak into the cheese and tomato sauce. Dad, are you crying? No.

I turn around to face him. He's crying. It's my fault. Like everything you're going through right now, it's my and Lark's fault. And I'm sorry. I was trying to make a better world for you. We were all trying to make a better world for you. That's all any of us wanted to do. Grant and Terry Jr. and all those people. And we fucked it up. And...

I'm sorry that you have to be in this situation. And you're right. I'm the last person in the world who should be able to judge you for anything, given all the things that I have done. Normal just starts crying and hugs him. I'm sorry, dad. I'm just I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was mean to you. And I'm sorry that you're not proud of me. And I'm sorry that everything's screwed up. And I you don't want it to be like this, you know, and I don't want it to be like this, but it is like this. Right.

If I did what you and Lark did, I would feel terrible about it. And I know you probably feel terrible about it too. So let's just, you know, let's just go forward from here. Okay. Why don't we just figure it out together? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds, uh, that sounds good. And I'm glad that you feel okay with what Lark and I did. Cause I think to kill the doodler, we're all going to have to do it again. What?

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, today, no, not today, before tomorrow makes day.

We'll be right back.

Special thanks this week to Josh X. Mayhem and Billy Ziegler for submitting names we used in this episode and also the previous episode. These two cool cats are Patreon supporters, objectively the coolest people on the internet. These are people with names like TJ Mitchell, Ryan Runquist, Michaela Schreiber, Ricardo Ramirez, Cross, Jenna E. Agricola, Dustin Hammond, Johnny E.,

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He is going to turn and kick at the broom that has been wedged in front of the door, and he's going to try to break that broom. Good luck as a metal broom. If I had at any point in my life half the confidence that Matt did when he said that's a metal broom, I would be a millionaire.