S2 Ep. 16 - Needlejuice
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Honk, honk. What's that sound? It's four crazy teens driving a truck full of flavor into Papa John's new Pussy Wagon Pizza.

We took the Papa's classic pit of piping hot cheese and filled it with a big yellow truck full of magical items and the flavors are wiggity-whacked. We're talking puberty stuffed crust with hair in every bite. We're talking Papa's new assassin sauce. So spicy, it'll feel like hitmen from every conceivable time period are murdering your taste buds. Woo, the Papa's

popped up with this one. Wash down your pussy wagon pizza with a Mountain Dew. Just straight up Mountain Dew. Nothing special about it. Just a plastic two liter bottle of Mountain Dew that comes to you a little bit too warm so you gotta put ice in it when you pour it into a solo cup. Again, just a regular run of the mill two liter soda you can buy anywhere for half the price that we charge. Like at Papa John's you can pay double

for a two liter soda. Objectively, the worst soda you can buy. And when it comes time to refrigerate it, you either got to lie it down sideways because your fridge shelves can't accommodate the height of a two liter bottle or you got stuffing into the shelves by the door where it gets shaken up every time you open your fridge so it goes flat even faster. Who needs their pizza ussy eaten? We do. So come on by the Papa's

and burn your flesh in our scalding pit of cheese or apply for a part-time job today. Papa John's, better ingredients, better pizza.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. A podcast instead about Dungeons and Dragons, where we play four teens sent back through a portal back to the world that they originally came from to fix things. They didn't originally come from the world. Yeah, we're from our old world. That's true. A tale of four teens sent into another world, our world.

To fix things. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the ranger of the group. I think I said rogue actually last time. The rogue ranger, if you will. Are you multi-classing now? Rogue is an adjective. Rogue is an adjective, not as a class, please. The rouge ranger. The rouge ranger. Aw. Survivalist of the group. This week's Taylor fact, Taylor has...

a mini bike back at home and i don't know if you know this but these are like little tiny two-stroke like miniature motorcycles he has a mini bike that his mom got him because he really wanted to get a mini bike it's loud it's obnoxious he's modified it so that it rolls coal oh my god do you know what rolling coal is no i know what rolling coal is it sounds awful for that you know those big truck shows so rolling coal is when you modify a diesel engine to burn less efficiently so that you can like

spew black clouds of pollution out into the air. That sucks. If you saw the end of Nathan For You. Some people like to sit in a line and then they'll roll coal over the crowd and the diesel heads love it. They love fucking getting hit with that. They're getting exactly what they deserve. And it spews just shit loads of pollution. Just clouds and clouds of pollution. So Taylor's a bad person. No, no, no, no. Because Taylor got done with the minibike, so he lets all his friends in the neighborhood ride it

whenever he wants. This is weird to me and Taylor Swift. This is a private show. And then when the cops, the truck was sprung, Bethany. And then when the cops showed up to be like, hey, your minibike has been rolling coal all over the place, Taylor Swift was like, but I just let all my friends borrow it. It's not my, it's my bike, certainly, but all my friends.

my friends bro to spew shit in the environment therefore I am blameless and the cop looked dead in the eye and said yup and said say you'll remember me look Taylor Swift may consume thousands of times more carbon than any of us but she also provides thousands of times more top one hits enjoyment than any of us oh my god alright

That sounded like you were going to go next. You're next. You just took it, Beth. Take it and run. Yeah, chill out on the airplane. Hi. Okay. What? Oh my God, she's going next? I fucking will. Oh my God, do it. If you don't hurry up. All right, go ahead. No, it's my turn. It's your turn. Hi, everybody. My name is No, You Go. Hello, everybody.

My name. No, you go. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln. Do you sure you don't want to go back? I played Lincoln Lee Wilson. Schooled at home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group. Final sense to talk about until I decide to do the other weird senses, which I forgot what they are like pressure or whatever. The final sense is sight. So Lincoln's favorite thing to see is.

with his eyeballs. It's a tie. A tie? It's a tie. Like how tied? No, no, not a tie. Oh. It is equally liked these two things that he sees. Yeah.

It's his dad's hugging. You know, he's just really happy when he sees his dad. And then the other thing he loves just as much is just like the surface tension of water. Just like, you know, that trick. The surface tension. Like when you put a little drop and then like it's like a... Or like that trick where you put like a spoon under a sink and the water goes around one side of the spoon and not the other. It's just really... Sounds like he's a big reddit.com slash r slash oddly satisfying. Yeah. Sounds like he's a serial killer. Maybe. We'll find out. Is he like...

laminar flow videos. He just likes two things that stick together, you know? You know about laminar water and other objects. You know about the laminar flow videos, right? Yeah, it's very cool. He hasn't seen those yet. He would go nuts. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. For those who don't know, it's like a flow of liquid that it just looks like it's frozen in midair because, yeah, I don't know how to describe it. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Anyways, that's it. Hey, everyone. Hi. Oh, it's a call and response right now. Call and response.

I can't hear you. I'm Will Campos. Come on, you can do better than that. Oh, gosh. I play Normal Oak, the mixed up mascot who doesn't know who he is anymore. Paramore, Stranger in a Strange Land. Stranger Things. Stranger Things, The Thing, Hellfire Club. I haven't seen the show. He's a cleric. Normal talked about Normal this week is that since we just got part-time jobs, I thought I'd talk about Normal's first part-time job.

which is also where he got the taste for mascotting, which is that he was hired by his mother, the proprietor of Swallow's Vegan Ice Cream, to play Vinny the Vegan Vulture, who was the mascot for a very short amount of time, who would waddle around outside Swallow's Vegan Ice Cream and offer free samples to people. I don't know if I would take anything from her.

The vulture is the funniest mascot for an ice cream place, especially as called like, especially a vegan. It was short lived and it was short lived because normal went so fucking sicko mode crazy in this mascot outfit, just like going aggro. It was the height of summer. So because of global warming, it was like 110 degrees outside and a jet black bird costume. And he got heat stroke pretty quickly, which is what would happen to a vegan vulture. Yeah. Yeah.

What if he was going around like, you gonna eat that? Get it? Because he's a vulture. That's it. That's what he did. He'd go up to people and be like, you gonna eat that? Because you should eat this. Vegan ice cream. That's really funny. And then he passed out and got dehydrated. But it was worth it. It was worth it for the taste. Was the business higher because there was a passed out vulture in the front? The plan. Make sure that a mascot passes out in front of people, thus increase it. It's my Nathan...

impression, but it's too close to my normal voice. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact, yeah, fun fact about Scary this week.

is that the only part-time job she's ever had was making a lemonade stand when she was 10 years old. And then she didn't sell anything because she was too aggro. She's too aggro? You didn't drink that? Hey!

Hey, hey, come over here. Drink this. Drink this. Yeah, no sales. Damn. Damn. Well, you'll be good for Papa John's. Did you ever do a lemonade stand? I did. I did. A few times, actually. Right on one side of a super busy street. And the other side of the street was a baseball field. So then the baseball team would always ask for lemonade. And I would just constantly be running across this incredibly dangerous, busy street.

And now that I think about it, I think they bought a lot of lemonade specifically to watch me and my younger brother run across the street because we did it a lot. It's just that hustle grind set that Matt Arnold's all about. It was like that scene in what was it? Bullworth or what's the one where Eddie Murphy runs across the street? Definitely not Bull Durham. No, he's not. It's not Bullworth. It's the fake movie. Bowfinger. But to sell 25 cents worth of fucking lemonade. Hell yeah.

I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hello. My dad fact today is I think I may have mentioned this before. I can't remember if I did or not. But Jenna Stieber, who played Radicus Finch, she has a D&D podcast with some of her pals, not us, called Burnt Cookbook Party. I guess this is a wreck me, daddy. I would recommend it.

at least partially because Jen just got laid off from her job. Boo! Weirdly close to her and her friends unionizing. Who would have thought? That's so mean. But yeah, burnt cookbook party. You can also subscribe to it on Patreon. It's good. Fuck Polygon. You're never going to write about us. Yeah, fuck you.

Fuck you, Polygon! It's probably true, yeah. You come after one of ours? Suck it down, Polygon! Your shit sucks! Your shit's a shit website, Polygon.com! Let's take a look at what you got. What if Avatar The Last Airbender was a spy thriller? How about what if you suck my dick? Spider-Man Remastered PC Review. I don't give a fuck! Everything new in Splatoon 3 from today's Nintendo Direct. Oh, shit, Splatoon 3? That one was written by Jenna. That was her last one.

When we last left you, you kind of picked a fight, kind of defended normal from Papa John and Papa John's pizza minions. Saved Hermes' life. The titular Papa. The titular Papa. You saved Hermes' life, even though he did end up getting burned down to two face levels. Half of his body is now burned. And because you could not defeat Papa John, you decided to join Papa John as a part-time employee. And he took you down underneath his throne into his interior cafeteria and...

There was a big line leading up to some cash registers and the employees who were running those cash registers were Lark and Sparrow. Can I throw just a real quick poetry joke for Beth? Because we could not defeat Papa John's, Papa John's kindly stopped for us.

The pizza held, but just ourselves. But just ourselves. And 14 different toppings, half of which were Hawaiian. I love that. Thanks, Beth. Yep. The rest of us know Emily Dickinson, too. That was just for Beth, I guess. That's just for me. Sorry. That was just for Beth. That was just for the hit Apple TV show, Dickinson. Starring Haley Seinfeld? Seinfeld, yep. Sorry, Seinfeld. Yeah, Haley Seinfeld. What's the deal with desktop, everyone? Hey, stop, stop.

I want to see Lock and Sparrow. Jerry, have you heard of this about death? I'm out. He's stopping for people on the street, Jerry. I don't get it. I'm not a stopper. I just keep going. If that's not for me, I just keep going.

Let's restart the scene. We're in Papa John's. What's happening? You're in Papa John's. You're up at the countertop ready to give your order. There are a bunch of other pizza soldiers in this cafeteria that are ravenously eating their own pizza. You also see somebody dressed in black in the corner who's also eating. You see a woman covered in rags who's also eating somewhere else in the restaurant. Players, pay attention. Are those just flavor characters? Or if this was a video game, those NPCs have like a little dot that can speak on them. Little glowing dots under, yeah.

I'm frankly amazed that you even asked. That shows a restraint that you would have never had before. Certainly not in season one. You're just like, I want to talk to the guy in the corner. And then there's this whole fucking backstory. But yeah, you see those people there. They might be relevant. They might not be. Who knows? Papa John shows you toward the front of the line. He says, get some food. These two will teach you what you need to do to be a good member of Papa's family. Just hands up. My hands up.

What? Yes. Yes. Really quick. I am about to estimate 25, less than 25% of my health remains. Can we just take a break? Is there a break? What's the break schedule? The short rest, long rest schedule, if you will. You can take a break between shifts. Are we on a shift right now? You're on. Yes, this is the beginning. Welcome to your training shift. We're in front of my dad and my uncle, right? Yes. Dad, what?

Oh my God, what are you doing here? The person with the spare on their name tag says, I am giving out delicious, delectable, and nutritious Papa John's pizzas. What would you like on your pizza? Could I interest you in normal? No, don't eat that. I'm not going to eat that. It looks gross as hell. But Dad, what's going on? What's not going on at Papa John's? Okay, do you recognize that me, normal, I'm your son, I'm here, I'm standing in front of you? And he squints his eyes at you and he goes...

I guess we're all kind of like a family at Papa John's Pizzeria in a sense. Okay, Uncle Lark, like you're smarter than my dad. Like you recognize that it's me, right? So you look at the guy who has Lark on his name tag and he goes, no, the same thing the other guy said. I think we're all a family and I mean, so do you want mushrooms? Do you want jealousy? Do you want spites? Guys, whatever you do, don't eat the

pizza once we eat the pizza then it's like we're showing loyalty to the company and that's the last thing you can ever do is show loyalty to the company plus what if it's delicious then we'll get hooked and we won't ever be able to leave both Lark and Spore point at you and go it is delicious what would you like on your pizza Sparrow says actually do you want me to go back and show you how the pizza is made why don't you come along with me and he gestures at normal

I slapped them both. You slapped both of them? Hey, that's your son. That's your nephew. You're the adults here. I slapped them again. Pay attention. What are you doing? So Lark reacts not at all. And Sparrow, why don't you roll Insider Perception? Just thinking about the audacity of a teen going up to two people trying to work a retail job and slapping them. And you have to lean over the counter? Yeah. Damn. These sandwich artists, if you will. 19. I know that's not how Papa John works, but I see a sandwich artist. Okay, so with a 19, you can tell that Sparrow...

There's a micro flash of anger, and then he goes back to smiling at you. Whoa, did you catch that? He's still in there. My dad hates it when he gets slapped. So Sparrow goes, it's going to be your first day on the job. Why don't I show you how the pizza's made before you have some pizza for your own? You don't look that hungry. Wait, I don't understand. This is a job. I thought all jobs involved just standing around and saying things into a microphone and making a lot of money.

Like my mom. My mom has a job. No, this is like a, what the, Taylor, like you were like, when people give you like, you go to the cafeteria, right? Like you go to the cafeteria lunch and these lunch ladies, she gives you food. That's what this is. That's a job. People get paid money to do that.

I can't talk to you about your ignorance right now. I'm trying to save my dad. What? I'm going to make an insight check. And I rolled a 16. I'm trying to see if like my dad is trying to like hip us to like, hey, come back so we can drop our facade and explain what's going on. With the 16, you see that's exactly what he was trying to do. Guys, we got to go. Okay. Yeah. That sounds good. I would love to see how the pizza gets made. I have to make pizza. Fine. Scary, if it's okay with you, I think normal should be the leader for this part right now.

Of course it's okay with me. I never wanted to be the leader. I'm the rebeller. Spoken like a true leader. Those least likely to lead who want to lead are the best leaders. Yes, we know that. The fuck did you just say? Yes, I think that normal should be the leader. Normal's already gone. Okay, we're walking back. All right, let's follow him. Whatever you say, Scary.

So Sparrow says, Lark, why don't you stay at the register? I'll deal with the new recruits. So Sparrow takes you back into the back room with the big dough mixer machine and a bunch of toppings and all the brick pizza ovens are spewing. You think Papa John's has brick pizza ovens? Yeah. In this world, they get better. Aw. Damn. It's not a dystopian every way. He crouches and he goes...

first of all, I want you to know, I'm sorry about all that stuff I said, and I'm super proud of you. And he hugs you really tight. Normal. I'm going to do a sense motive on that motherfucker right now. Go ahead. What is that insight again? Yeah. Insight. Okay. Uh, I got a six. Okay. No way to know. Oh my God. Thank God. I was so scared. You weren't proud of me. So that was just all crazy stuff that you made. What was that? Uh,

I wasn't in my head at the time. You know how your uncle Lark is also not in his head right now. He's up there slinging pizzas like a real capitalist stooge. But no. They were like the human equivalent of don't talk to me till I've had my coffee. Yeah, kind of. You're all back there, I assume. Yes. So he goes, so here's the thing. We got to get out of here, obviously. Yeah. And...

It seems like the best way to get out of here is probably to get promoted up to delivery. Because once we get promoted to delivery, we can take one of the vehicles and get out. Oh, Mr. Oak, if you think the best way to get out of a corporate job is to promote your way upwards the ladder, I'm sorry to tell you, that's going to take a very long time. Why don't we just get out of here? Well, we could, but there's an entire army of pizza minions here that...

would kill us no not minions calm down oh if you have a plan to get out of here that's cool i'm sort of barely sanity wise hang hanging on you're not freaking out yet you're good okay you're fresh yes you just came in which means you still have most of your self left most of your brain and everything wait you're saying that there's a gradual decay like a poison meter in elden ring uh i don't know what those words you said are but yes kind of like that this is the the kitchen holds his breath it doesn't work like that it's your brain you can't hold your brain's breath

Oh, he's going blue. He's going blue. He's going blue. Link, stop it. Link, stop it. Scary hits, Link. In the gut. Oh, that was good.

Oh, it didn't work. Oh, no. It's like a more effective CPR. I don't know if you noticed, but memories and emotions are really important here. They're like a currency and a food. Have you met anybody freaky trying to take your memories or trying to sell you? This guy stabbed me in the head and I kind of forgot about being a mascot for a second. But then I remembered I was really excited that I got my memory back. Good. Okay. You got to hold on to those memories as hard as you can. What if all of our memories are darkness and decay? Stuff we don't really want to remember. So cool.

That's cool. That's good. I mean, you still have to hold on to them because it still makes you like you and stuff. Well, I get it down. I start writing. Is there anything to write down? I need to write down all my memories of my dad. You mean you haven't been keeping a diary? Oh, no, I haven't. Do you keep a diary? Yeah. Oh, no.

How old will I know all of my beautiful thoughts, my dark thoughts? I just talk to my dads all the time, but maybe I should be writing down a book because I'll forget my dads if I stay here too long? Yes, you'll forget potentially everything. I will unlearn what I have learned. Everyone in this world started off like relatively normal people, and as time went on, the doodler's influence began to decay who they were, and it's only by...

either being really true and present with yourself or as a shortcut, taking the memories and emotions of other people to sort of supercharge your own memories and emotions that you can sort of stay you. He points at different jars and vats and tubes all around you in this kitchen. And there's little pieces of tape with pen labels written on them. And he points to one that says jealousy and he points to one that says sexual awakening. And he points to one that says... I grabbed those two. LAUGHTER

They're connected to the wall. They're like little, you have to pull a lever and it like, it's like those like restaurants that only do cereal. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. It's kind of like those. And he goes, yeah. So every experience or every emotion, these people in this world, they all kind of try to eat it. I mean, I guess I did too, to sort of stay a little coach. What's the best one? I mean, they're all different sort of what you're in the mood for. It's like saying, what's the best food. So hold on. Hold on. Japanese food.

Okay. Okay. Oh, Taylor, can you just shut the fuck up for one second? There's important stuff going on. I'm so sick of your bullshit right now, man. We almost got freaking killed because of you. Now you're asking about sushi and shit. I don't give a shit. Just listen for one second to what's going on. This is important. I'm trying to learn about this job. Yes, chef. I'm quickly looking for like calm or peaceful emotions on the wall. I'm just so screwed up. And dad, like, I'll be honest. I'm kind of mad at you. Like, this is all your fault. Frankly, that word. This is all like this. Uh,

Yeah, sure. It's my fault. Yeah, I'm stupid and I'm not as smart as my brother and I'm kind of a hippie and I didn't prepare you properly. No, but I mean, this whole world is like this because of you guys. Yeah, I guess you're mad about that. I think I am mad about that. Okay, well, if it wasn't for what your Uncle Lark, you know, did, then you would be here too.

Well, I mean, you are here now, but you would have grown up here, so... So that makes it okay? I think so. Am I being judged by you? I feel judged. Well, I feel judging, Father. Well, there we are. I think we are there. Okay. This is an important first step in your two's conversation. Normal, why don't you tell your father what it is that you would like from him? Well, for... Hmm. I don't know what I would like. I don't know what's going on. Well, you can keep thinking about it. Don't worry. It doesn't matter. The main thing is that...

We need to figure out a way out of here. I just got some orders in for some pizzas so we could just, you know, be good employees and try to get promoted up to delivery because then we can use the cat bus or we could escape. Taylor jumps up. Say that again. The delivery vehicle. There's a big ironclad door in the back of the kitchen and behind it you can hear purring and there's a little metal slide on the front like, you know, like a speakeasy kind of thing.

There's a lock on it. He goes, I don't have the key for it, so we can't get back there. But like, this is the way that we deliver pizzas. And he opens up the slot and you can see in what basically looks to be a garage. There is a very large cat with wheels instead of paws. The pussy wagon. Yeah. Pussy wagon. That's a good name. Yeah, sure. But that's how we drive the pizzas around. Is there any way out of here other than that? Or is that like... This is disappointing. So the ways out are...

The garage, if you're a pizza delivery person. There's the throne, the secret entrance that Papa John uses, but that's pretty difficult to get out because usually his throne's covering it. And then there's the tunnels of endless despair, hatred, and death. Ooh. Which we just called the tunnels for sure. Okay, where are those? I mean, they're connected to the main cafeteria room. That's where all the soldiers come in. Good to know. Yeah.

So what do we do, Dan? Yeah, what exactly does... We make pizzas? Is that what we're doing? We're making pizzas? Well, I need to rest because I'm hurt. Yeah, when's our break? Your break is in eight hours. If we do eight hours of pizza work... What the fuck? If we do a full shift of pizza work, then they'll give us a break. But... He sort of grabs you by the shoulders and shakes you normally and goes, I just tried to hold on long enough to sort of

Hope that you would get here so I could explain as much as I could. You're going to have to decide some stuff for yourself. I don't know what we should do. I have no idea. We could say we could go. It's kind of up to you. Should we be a big boy? If we get you out of here, will you like get your brain back? Maybe. I don't know. We haven't been here for that long. We always felt like kind of weird when we came here before. And then after a week or so being back, we would feel pretty normal once we were back with our families and stuff. And he scratches his arm and you see his tattoo that says Sparrow on it.

And he goes like, but yeah, I mean, things are hard. I'm having trouble remembering who I am and who you are. And it's all kind of slipping away.

And I know that I care about you. No, it's a sparrow. Wait, he has a tattoo of his own name? That's cool. They gave each other tattoos of each other's names. So they think that they're each other. Or they are each other. They're pretending to be another person. Wait, what? I don't think that your uncle is your uncle. I think your uncle is your dad and your dad is your uncle. So this is weird. Wait a second. And then, yeah, so I look. You pointed at his tattoo. Uncle Lark? Uncle Lark?

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I thought that if

I told you that I was proud of you as your dad. It would like give you the confidence you needed to like. It did for a second there because I stood up to him. Yeah, no, it was good. It was good. It's weird that him being proud of me made me able to realize that I'm not that proud of him or you, frankly. Oh, okay. Well, I got to sit down for a second, guys. You want to bring your dad in? And normal just sits down and starts rubbing his temples. I'll give you guys a second, he says, and he heads out to the front. Wait, what? Normal just sort of flops over on the ground, goes, ah.

Hey, bud.

bud. How you doing? Hey, it's okay, man. Hey. You're really stepping on my energy here, and I need you to be more peppy. Okay, Scary. You're the leader. What do you think we should do? I'm not the leader. You're the leader now, because this is like, you know, it's your dad's. Hey, man. Look, we gotta get my dumb dad and my dumb uncle out of here, and we need to figure out how to unscrew the whole stupid mess they made of this world. So, I guess the idea that we should get promoted to delivery guys who can steal that bus sounds like a pretty good one to me. It's either that or a big tunnel of despair, or like

getting past Papa. Which did sound pretty metal. I mean, I can see why that would appeal to you, but... Taylor's at the door with the open thing and going like... Real animal handling. Actual animal handling. Oh, to the cat bus? Yeah. 12. I think you meant like a... No, no, no. I meant what I meant. So with a 12, you see one of the ears of the cat bus pricks up and points toward the door and then it goes back to the way it normally

I was pointing forward. Hey, the cat likes me. Oh, that's good. That's great. I'm happy you're hitting it off with the cat, man. I have to get inside. I'm kind of sorry it blew up at you. I just, you know, there's a lot going on for me right now. I know it's very stressful for you, but you need to keep your head together. No, but I don't think I should be doing this thing. Now, what is all this? You look up as you're talking and you see a man with a handlebar mustache, an extremely pale skin, and a perfectly tied, way too tight apron around his waist. And he has a badge that says shift manager on it. And he goes...

So we're just relaxing here, huh, guys? Huh? And he's smiling really big at you, but it seems like he's only smiling with his mouth and not his eyes. We're taking our smoke break. Oh, and by smoke break, she means, and I stand up and I say, we were discussing the inefficiencies of your current delivery system. We're new employees here, but, you know, I had some, and now I'm going to reveal that during the entire lifetime I lived, that I was a franchisee. I franchised a Domino's pizza. Yeah!

You mean in the simulation? Yeah. This is like when Xander's army training from the Halloween episode comes back like two seasons later. Sorry, I know we're new here. We're just really gung-ho. We really enjoy the pizza delivery service. I was just looking. I just thought like there's a lot more efficient ways that you can be delivering the pizzas. It feels like you have a lot of overhead based off of reheating the pizzas and inefficient root systems. Yeah. All right, roll persuasion. I got a nine.

And I go, I've never done this before because I'm a 14-year-old boy. The shift manager, his body perfectly bends in half at his hips. Like just the top half moves. His bottom half doesn't move at all. And he's really close to your face and he's still smiling. He goes, correct me if I'm wrong, but did you just...

criticize the father's methods? Are you saying that you know how to run a pizza business better than the papa? Do you think you're a papa above John? Is that what you think? Absolutely not. I'm just doing my best to serve the papa. That's good. Yeah, no, because if you did think that, that would be a very, very bad thing, don't you think? Like, how bad would it be? Would we get fired and then we could leave? So again, without moving his back half, his front half just swivels towards you as you say that normal. And he goes...

Yes, you might get fired. You might get fired in the brick oven and your memories and your thoughts and your emotions might be used to satiate our great army and our grand quest against the city. Soylent green is people, my dudes. I'm sorry, sir. Excuse the presumption. We're just really want to become delivery people and we really want to do our best to serve the Papa. I'm sorry for any sin against his good name. Well, if you want to do something good for the Papa, why don't you make a fucking pizza? And he pulls out an order card

And he says, there's somebody out there who requested a pizza with the following ingredients. It seems like none of which we currently have in our various vats. Great, we'll go get them. How far away are they? No, no, you will have to get them here. There's no leaving. All right, chefs, listen up. I need... Yes, chef. So the pizza toppings requested on this pizza are joy...

surprise, unrepentant murder, and mushrooms. All right, chefs, I need joy, surprise, unrepentant murder, and mushrooms. You don't have mushrooms here? We do have mushrooms. I'm sorry, I was wrong about that.

One done. And I put a little note on mushrooms. A little check mark on mushrooms. How do we get these ingredients or how do we do that? We're new. This is our first day. He gestures at a jar of smaller, cleaner versions of the syringes that you saw those bandits trying to use on you before. And he goes, I don't care how you get them, but those are your extractors. So go ahead and just use them on. Surprise! And I snap Taylor. What? You snap Taylor with one?

I'm getting surprised. Roll. Oh! Are you going to try to dodge with anything, Taylor? I think I'm surprised. Okay. Roll dexterity to make sure you can get it. Because I feel like your instinct would be to dodge away. That feels like a safe one. No, that's true. You're right. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Seven, 14 plus three is 17. No, no, no, Matt. Here's the question. Because Taylor is obviously head on a swivel all the time. You know, clocking you. Now you're screaming into the intercom about what ingredients you want. Oh, that's true. Okay, yeah. With a 17 dexterity roll, you do that very easily. You...

barely feel some pressure in the back of your head as the syringe enters your head. Because you were screaming the intercom, right? The fucking matrix or something. His arm is where Taylor would. The fleshy part of my thigh, maybe. That's not where your memories are stored. Oh, well, I did it in the arm. I don't know how this works. Oh, you did it in the arm? Your shift manager goes. That's not where the memories are stored. Are you trying to get his arms memories? I'm sorry.

You have to use it in here, and he starts pointing at his brain. Well, now this is going to work. I know it's coming. Surprise! Go ahead and make a roll. Back roll. Shit, I got a six. Taylor, what are you, like, grab it out of the fucking air because your reflexes are so good? I'm literally looking over at them, and then, like, my left hand just shows up and just grabs it, like, over my shoulder without even looking. Is that too cool, Anthony? No, I'm fine with that. Surprise!

By the way, just as a little side note, I'm the only one who monitors the audio. So I have my headphones on. Everyone else is just, you know, freewheeling in the mic. Beth, you made me jump. Who are you stabbing? Who are you stabbing for your surprise? Taylor. It makes sense. We all think Taylor is the one that's okay to stab. I got a nine. My other hand grabs. His third hand comes up.

I was just, hey, what are you guys doing? We're trying to get surprise. Give me that back. I stabbed myself because I'm genuinely surprised that we weren't able to pull one over on Taylor. That's what I was going to do. I juiced that out. Give me a D20 roll, just a straight D20 roll. We'll see if that works. I got a two. While he's pulling out, while he's stabbing himself and seeing that he's okay with getting stabbed, I don't yell surprise. I pretend to do something else and then I spin around and stab normal in the head. Okay, go ahead and roll. This flurry of stabbing.

Lark comes back and sees this. Statistically, eventually, we will surprise. I got a one. So the one you stab yourself in the head. Oh, I knew that was going to happen, though.

Guys, maybe we should just like hold off on this one and come back to it. This doesn't bode well for us getting joy for the murder one. I don't know. Seeing you all stab each other gave me some joy. Say no more. It's scary. All right. Scary. Roll a D20. We'll see how much joy you had watching them stab each other.

Like genuine joy? Four. You didn't actually get that much, sure. You were just being sarcastic. Was I? Okay. Is this enough? I'll show it to the manager. And he goes, no, that's not even enough to dip a breadstick in, my friend. No, no, no. You guys are not going to be very long for this world, I fear, but that's fine. Youthful ignorance is a flavor that is much sought after here. It's a very rare delight. Oh, great. Why don't we move on to that order? Yeah, did somebody order that? No. Okay.

The order is the order that you have in front of you. Okay, fine, we'll do it. So what was it again? It's murderous rage. It's joy. Joy. Surprise. Surprise. Unrepentant murder. Unrepentant murder. And mushrooms. Can we just use this on anybody? Like, we just go around here and just grab? I got one. Hey, um, sir, I think that Papa John and I eyeball one of my friends to get a syringe ready. Careful.

I think Papa John is a big old smelly, dumb, dumb dingus fart head who doesn't know his butt from his ass. And I think that he's not very good at being a pizza king at all. He grabs you and he throws you into the brick oven. Well, as he grabs me. I, Taylor, after blocking all of these syringes, realizes what's going on. He's a quick one. Goes for a stab on the manager. Okay. Go ahead and roll attack. 11 plus 3, 14.

No, it's not going to do it. God damn it. So, uh, he's too tall. He's too tall. I'm reaching for him to pull him out of the oven right away. Okay. Then do a contested strength check with this guy. Fucking nine. God damn it. I'm all bad to be like, stab him in the head. He got a natural one. Yes. So normal slips through his fingers instantly and you managed to grab a hold of him, but he goes, Oh,

Oh, I see what you're trying to get a fun ingredient. Well, that's too bad because you have blasphemed against the papa and there is no coming back from that one. So make you forget it by stabbing you and getting the memory out of you. And I stab him again with needles. Really quick. How many is there one door here besides the garage? Yeah, there's one door in it. While all the stabbing is going on, I'm going to push some of the appliances in front of the door so that he's locked in with us.

I'm not locked in here with you. You're locked in here with us. His green room is too late. We've gone too far down this hole. Okay, so you'll be doing that normal go ahead and try to stab him again with disadvantage because he knows it's coming. He's rolling.

Rolls. Like a three. With advantage? Disadvantage. Disadvantage. So he grabs your wrist and just squeezes really fucking hard and you feel your wrist dislocate and his hands are popped. Oh my God. I can't make pizzas with a broken wrist. What do you do?

You can't make pizzas now. It doesn't seem like this is a real change of situation for you. Guess what? We're unionizing. No, you're not. Is he surprised by this movie? No. Everybody wants to unionize. He's indifferent to it. For the first time, for the third episode in a row, I

I think we have to roll initiative. Fuck. What is happening? Hopefully all of our bad rolls already happened. 12 plus 1, 13. 17 plus 1, 18. I love that I was like, man, I'm going to say that Link knows how to run a pizza place because it would be really important for this episode. Absolutely. I was plus 2, 19. I got a 4, 14 on initiative. Man, I really wish he had rested. Oh my God. Okay. Fuck.

So your shift manager's name, as you can now see on his name tag, is Risky Click. Thank you, Billy Ziegler, for the name Risky Click. Risky Click. So he's going to once again grab normal and try to shove you into the oven with an opposed strength check. Oh, there we go. I got 14. Okay. With a 14, you tie. So he's got you up in his hands. So you're both sort of grappling each other, but neither of you has a... Could it be the thing where you push him in and then like a cat, you splay your arms out? Yeah, I'm like, I've got my legs like, yeah, I'm like...

That's great. That was his turn. Not a terribly interesting turn for Risky Click. He shouts aloud, I need help. I need backup. I need more Papa's babies in here. There's an emergency. And who knows if anybody heard it or not. I'll roll on that. Now it is scary. Wait, sorry, Anthony. Could you explain? Sorry, did you come up here? No, yeah, you're good. Really quick.

Surprise! - Yeah! - Got him! - And at that moment, Scary jams both syringes into the back of Wristy Click's neck, trying to get both surprise and murderous rage. - Okay, so go ahead and I would give you advantage if it was just for one, but since you're trying to do two simultaneously, you'll just do a straight roll. - 10.

Okay. Do you have any unarmed? I have plus three. So 13, unfortunately, will not do it. Damn. He's a little bit surprised, but not so much that he made a noise or yelped or had any sort of entertaining reaction to it. Oh, I hate to see it. And your syringe is just barely with the air in front of him as he is continuing to push on your friend. Link, you're up.

It is your turn. You can spend a turn completing your barricade or you can rush to the fracas. Okay. So I didn't complete my barricade before. Well, I mean, it feels like the best thing to do would be to complete this barricade. So yeah, I will complete this barricade. I like that. You're totally a blues. You're like, just,

I know what's going on. I was going to stop by. Yeah, I tip over the supply rack with like not the boxes one because it's a bunch of cardboard that's light. The stuff with like the fucking pans, like all the heavy shit. I dropped that in front of the door. Oh, you know what? That's going to make noise. He's already screaming and stuff. Okay. He screamed help. Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah. Okay. Taylor is your turn. Taylor's going to wind up for just a big old nut shot. Okay, go for it. What? Unarmed strike? Uh-huh. And you're specifying a location, which means you roll with disadvantage.

16. 16? I got 16 and 19. Wow, okay. It's almost like a 69, which is almost like a nice. The flat of your foot hits him right in the perineum, and the toe of your foot hits him right in the scrote.

His knees buckle. He stays standing, but it hurts a fucking lot. And his strength check is going to be made at a disadvantage if he continues trying to push normal into this oven next turn because a lot of the wind has been knocked out of him. Normal. I did some damage to him though, right? Like, come on. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Let's roll a D6 plus two. You did six damage to him. It would be two D6s because each one. Each ball. No, you only hit one ball. Oh.

It would hurt more to have just one ball get hit. Now, is there something we need to know? Just another to understand the mechanic here. So since we're taking out memories theoretically, like it's not like we have to make him surprised. Now we could take with specificity. He has surprise in there. Somewhere in his life. Somewhere in his life. So we could get all three emotions from him theoretically. You could theoretically. It would just be because they are not recent memories necessarily. If you're going to like his childhood to find a time where he was surprised, that's going to take more time. And you're gonna have to roll better on Arcana to like track that down. But we could just keep him in here for hours of slowly stabbing him and getting like.

getting lots and lots of memories. As long as you hoped that nobody in a busy pizza establishment would ever want to come into the kitchen over this course of hours. Yeah. Cool. I'm splayed out over the oven. I'm going to try to spring off of the oven and knock him onto the ground. Okay. Probably another strength check. That was the classic, like you're up against the wall in a fight scene. You push off the wall and smash him down. And then he's at disadvantage because he just got narded. Because he got narded.

Ooh, I got that natural 20. Okay, well he got a five. Yeah, baby! He got a five, so you get to describe what happens. I push off of the wall and then I just land backwards. He just slams onto the ground and then I'm like just lying on top of him. The back of his head hits the towel pretty hard and he takes a D4 of damage and that I feel like was just your move so you still have an action. My action is I'm going to grab one of the

Many syringes, I assume, are on the floor now. Yeah. And try to extract this specific murderous rage moment to wipe his memory. Cool. So make an attack roll with advantage, I would say, because he's prone. Nice, nice, nice, nice. 16 plus 3, 19. So yeah, you jam the syringe dead in the center of his forehead and it's stuck there and stuck fucking hard. Oh, jeez. Risky Click tries to get to his feet on his turn. As he gets to his feet, he grabs another one of the syringes

And feeling that you just stabbed it into him, he's going to turn to you normally, and he's going to try to stab it into your head as well. He got a natural 20. Oh! Oh! This is the most awful fight. Yeah. So the syringe goes in, and you immediately find...

that it manages to sync up to your earliest possible memories. What are your earliest memories, do you think, that Normal has? Probably, like, I think Normal has a vivid memory of shitting his pants at, like, his fourth birthday party. Okay, cool. So you feel that going. Did you say that's surprise? That's surprise. No, it was shame. It was...

It was shame and fear. It was at a Mexican restaurant. There was a bunch of mariachi singing, and it was really loud and scary for normal, and he shit his pants. So you feel that memory of shame and pants shitting beginning to leave your dome. You're going to be okay with that. Yeah, I was like, ha-ha, I thought of that memory specifically so that you'd get rid of it.

So yeah, he pulls that out and now he's just got a syringe full of this. He goes, aha, your oldest memory. This must be so precious to you. But then he sees like you look more calm and he's like, well, what the fuck? What the fuck? A little smile cracks on Normal's lips. I don't know what I did, but I guess it was smart. Normal's just instantly a millionaire now.

All right, Scary, it is your turn. So I feel like I can take another swing at him with the... You can just swing again. That's fine. Yeah. Can Scary pull the memory out since it's only halfway done or whatever? Yeah. The syringe is in his head. You can attempt to extract the memory by pulling on the plunger. You'll just have to make an arcana check. Okay, cool. I will use my action for that. Okay. Give me an arcana roll. We'll see how specifically you can pull out the memory. Fucking...

Okay, wait, like look at this dice. Like it's not even on the... I'm not going to try to jump start. So it landed on the cusp between a five and a one. Either way, it was not a good roll.

So the second that you put your hand around the plunger and begin to extract the plungery part with your thumb, you feel a connection to his memories. You feel yourself psychically sifting through the messy file cabinets that are the memories of a person that's lived as long as Risky Click has, which who knows how long that is. The first memory that you jump for and grab in the plunger is just him shitting himself as a kid as well.

And it means nothing to him. But that's currently what the syringe is filled with. Now, that said, you can keep that memory in there and then try to stab him again. Or if you want to squeeze it back in and give somebody else another go of pulling out the right one, you can. Or you could give normal that one. Oh,

Oh, okay. Wow. Stab it into me? Why would you do this? I was going to double up and stab normal Dream back so that this bad guy's got two shitting pants. I was four twice and I shit myself twice in two different places at the same time. So the syringe can hold one memory? Yes. Okay. I can see every place in this restaurant that I could shit my pants. Why do I know this? Why do I know this? Why do I know this? I know the best place to find toilet paper is in the...

Yeah, scary just puts that shit back. I know I can shit for 30 minutes before my hands begin to shake.

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See store for details. Okay, so the memory goes back in. That is your turn. Unless you wish to do a move or a bonus action or anything like that. I was going to jump scare you again when you came over. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I know. Link, it's your turn. Okay, guys, here's what we're going to do. I say we restrain him. And you know, like when you give blood and you get blood tests, they put the needle in once and then they like pull out one syringe and they do another one. They say, oh, it's filling up pretty good. We just got to get more tests. You know what I mean? Yeah, that sounds great. Normal says with a syringe stuck in his head. I just want to restrain him so he can just sit there and take his memories out at a leisure. Rear naked choke. Rear naked choke. Is that what you're going for? Is he restrained underneath you? He got up. He got up. He spent half of his movement to get up.

Are there any chairs around? Yes. Nice. Good workplace. They actually have chairs. It's an unrealistic workplace. They're ADA compliant. If there's time to sit, there's time to clean or whatever every fucking retail job I've ever worked at says. Okay, yes. I'm going to try to push him into a chair and then like grab him from behind and restrain him. Push him into a chair, then grab him from behind and restrain him. Like hold him into a chair. No, no. I understand what you're saying. I'm just trying to- Do you want me to come show it to you? No. You're in a chair. No.

I'm trying to divvy up if that's one action or multiple actions. Just like a specific sort of grapple, I would say. It's a very flash dancey kind of move. Why do you need to shove him into a chair? Just if you're to grapple him anyway, just grapple him. Okay, sure. I was grappling. Okay, you can try to like rear naked choke him or something. Yeah. Okay, go ahead and give me a strength check. So like some soccer version of grappling someone. Yeah, with your leg.

Yeah, yes. I'm going to do like, you know, every woman in a Marvel movie move. You know what I'm talking about. You have one move. Oh, the Black Widow. You're going to jump up and then do the little flippy dip on him. It's like every action movie. It's like, oh, it's a woman fighting. Here's what they do. It's like, what? I'm going to wrap my vajay around your neck. 15. Nice. A 15 strength check beats his four. Yay. So...

You hit him directly with your vagina. And he is the idea that you don't keep going. You like stop and like start like constricting your legs or something. I'm like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu-ing him to the ground. My arms around his neck and I'm holding him with my six foot three legs and he's completely incapacitated. And now I want my fellow doctors to slowly extract all three memories from him. Okay, cool. So he is restrained, which means you're going to get advantage on attacks and on Arcana checks. Somebody should cover his mouth too so he can't keep screaming. All right. It is Taylor's turn. Taylor's going to take a bunch of pizza dough.

And just stuff it into his mouth. Okay. Nice. That's great. He's restrained, so you basically can do that with no difficulty at all. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no.

Let the yeast do its thing. What a horrible thing to say. We wanted abject terror, right? Was that on the... Oh, I misread the order receipt. All right, it is normal starting again. I'm going to try to target the memory of everything that's happened in the last five minutes, which I'm going to hope has enough surprise and murderous rage at least to make a pizza out of it. That's a 17. With a 17, you find basically the last five minutes of his life and...

and you successfully extract it in this range. And it does, as you suspected, include surprise and the desire for unrepentant murder. So that's two of your three remaining candidates. And then I would like to use a free action. Hey, Hermie, do a magic trick for us. That's right, Hermie's here. Yeah, Hermie's here. So Hermie goes, let's see if that's something I want to do at all. And he goes, okay. Did you just flip a coin? Yeah, he flips a... He takes out a silver dollar and flips a coin and catches it and it comes up heads and he goes, okay, let me show you a magic trick. I'm going to make this pencil disappear.

He does the thing where you put your fingers together and it makes it look like your fingers are detached. Your pointer finger and you put your thumb there and it's like, look. Holy shit. It's a magic finger. Yeah. Does it spark joy? No. Not even in Taylor? In Taylor. Taylor's like, whoa, cool. Taylor's like, oh, well, because I got heads. I live to please. If there had been tails, you would have gotten a very different kind of magic trick. I live to please when I get head too. Damn. All right. Let's go. Wow. So after you put the dough in his mouth, because he's on the ground trying desperately to like breathe.

I was secretly rolling like, is he going to choke on this? And the first time I rolled a three and I said, okay, well, if he gets above a five next turn that he's not going to choke, he's just going to cough. And I rolled again and he got another three. So he is now choking to death underneath you. I frantically try to scoop the dough out of his mouth to relieve his blocked airway. Give me, I guess, a dexterity roll or medicine. Yeah.

I got a six. Yeah, so with a six, you managed to get out a lot of the dough that's in his mouth, but there's a big chunk in his throat. Link, Heimlich him. Heimlich him. Link, get him out. It's not my turn. I mean, you're out of initiative. He's not trying to fight you anymore. Link, Heimlich. Okay. And I start Heimliching. Give me a strength check or maybe...

Or medicine. Whichever you like. I got an ape. Okay. So with an ape. Is it working? I don't see anything flying out. It's not working and you can tell that you have one more attempt to do something or else this guy's going to die. What if we just like pour a bunch of water down his throat and he swallows it? Oh God! This is going to make it stickier. No, that's a bad idea. Step aside. Step aside. Taylor's going to give a shot at tracheotomy. Tracheotomy. Oh my God. Yeah, Taylor's going to use his survival skills to give him an improvised trach with a ballpoint pen. I mean, you have syringes around which is basically ballpoint pens.

I'm a syringe the trach area. Okay, give me a medicine roll. Or survival roll. I'll take survival, sure. I'll take survival on that, right? 16 plus 2, 18. Nice. Okay, so you've... Now the joy he feels at being able to breathe...

Quick, hit him with the syringe! Yeah, go for it. I got four arcana. Should I do it? Yeah, yeah, you do it. Link it in with the syringe! Three. God damn it! I hit him with another syringe. He's flailing his arms around. I got a six. You guys are gonna have to do another one to make him forget this part. I do it again. I do it again.

I just keep stabbing him. Do it again, I guess. I got 16 plus 4. Okay, so it finally hits home as he's flailing his arms around feeling far more panic than joy in this moment. But I got 16 plus 4. You got 16 plus 4. Okay, so yes, you can find the joy behind that. I'm no longer happy that he's alive. Congratulations. He has four syringes sticking out of his head. What moment of joy do I get? You get the moment that he began to breathe through the hole in his throat from the tracheotomy. Okay, and then I'm going to stab him again so that he forgets the last 45 seconds. What?

That's all the times he spends stabbed. Yeah. I want to extract his memory of getting stabbed. All right. Give me one more roll. I got 14. Okay. So the 14, you managed to extract most of it. He still remembers you all stabbing him a bunch of times with the syringes. And I'm going to fucking choke him until he passes out. Why? Because we can't have him remember. What do you want? Do you want this guy

I'm tired of all the violence being on my shoulders. I stand up.

I go, you explain this, normal. All right. I'm like, oh, my God, mister, are you okay? He goes, because he can't talk because there's still a bunch of dough in his throat. We like so well. Okay, so normal. I get some pliers. Pliers. I get like, you know, like salad. Salad tongs? I stick it down his throat to get some of that dough out. He's going to fight you on that. Like, he's not going to let somebody just fucking do that shit.

How does he know you're a doctor? All right, roll deception with disadvantage. This 14-year-old claims to have franchised a fucking pizza joint and is a doctor. I got a seven. So he tries to slap your hand away. So go ahead and make your strength check to see if you can force the salad tongs while he opposes you with his own strength check. So,

So he's still choking? I'm fucking rolling real dice. No, he's still choking on the dough, but he can breathe. He can breathe. He can't speak. But he just can't, like, speak in the airways block there. So he slaps it. He gets a 13. He slaps the fucking salad tongs out of your hand very easily, and he makes a run for the door, which he sees is now piled high with appliances, and he's going to start trying to remove them. Yeah.

Well, wait. I mean, like, do we really need this dude's approval? Yeah, we got the pizza right here. Yeah, we can make the pizza. Yeah, but we can't let him leave. Why not? He doesn't remember anything that happened. He just, here, allow me. I'm going to do one last Heimlich maneuver on this guy. Give me one last medicine check. That's a natural 20. Yeah! Nice!

Okay, so a perfect fist-sized glob of dough is expelled from his throat and smacks wetly against the iron door. Does it smack hard enough to go into, say, like a 14-inch pizza shape? No. I say, holy cow, are you okay, mister? What are you doing to me? You literally were talking about employee safety, and I asked if it's okay to fit an entire fistful of dough in my mouth, and you said, oh, no, like, let me show you why not, and then you choked on this dough.

And then he passed out. And he blacked out. Yeah, it was crazy. It was really crazy. And then you tripped and knocked all that stuff in front of the door. We were trying to get help. And that's why we shouted, someone come in here. I need help. But then we got it out of you. Roll deception. The 20's got to give him some advantage on that, right? No, it just means you succeeded at curing him. I got a 13. Okay, so with 13, I'm going to have him roll insight opposed. He does have six syringes sticking out of his skull. If I was going to say anything with my natural 20, it would be that when I gave the Heimlich, it also made all those syringes pop.

Yes! Yes! Yes! As they hit the walls. So yeah, there's no syringes in him and stuff. That was a big question. He rolls a 17 insight so he can tell that the story you told him isn't quite true, but he's feeling around in his face. He's like, my throat. I saved your life, man. Oh, that's a tracheotomy. Let me keep that. Yeah, that's what we weren't telling you before. It's pretty metal, to be honest. Okay.

Also, while you were passed out, we had a moment to think about it. It was 50-50. Most of us don't want to really move up and become delivery guys, but at the end of the day, I think this group agrees it would be great if we were. We'll accept your offer. Roll deception with advantage.

God damn it. I got nine and a three. Oh, so he goes like, there's no way I would have offered you guys delivery. Definitely not the way that you've been. The way we just saved your life, mister. We delivered you from darkness, man. All right. Fair point. I guess I owe you for that.

Why don't you just go deliver that pizza to the it's the lady in the rags out in the main room. And I'll think I'll think about maybe we use the cat bus delivered to her. She's literally in the other room. All right. Throughout this whole time, Taylor is just like quietly making the pizza. Like during this conversation, every time he cut back, he's like spinning the dough in his hand. He's like putting the mushrooms on. Like he's just an expert pizza maker in the background because he saw it in an anime.

Great. Nice. So, yeah, you help him pull aside the things that are blocking the door. He goes, why was the door blocked? As I explained, you tripped and knocked all that stuff. That was me, right? Okay, yeah. The door opens and Lark is there pounding on it and he's got a bunch of pizza soldiers behind him with their spears out and Risky Click goes, no, it's fine. I fell. My throat's all fucked. I saved his life. I guess so. Yeah, apparently they saved his life. Please take that into consideration when you decide Employee of the Month.

I'll think about it. And he points at the rear end of the cafeteria and you see a woman in dirty rags sitting there playing with a bunch of yarn in her hands, like doing Cat's Cradle and stuff with it. Oh, shit. I love Cat's Cradle. Happy birthday to you! And we all walk the pizza over to her.

Taylor lights a little sparkler. I don't know. We can't sing happy birthday. We have to do our own off. You can cast amatergy to make sparkles. No, we can sing happy birthday. They settled in a $14 million court case recently. They really should have done that. But in this world, we have to do the themed happy birthday, Papa John's. Happy Papa day. Papa wishes you a happy birthday. Papa wishes you a happy birthday. Clap, clap, clap, clap. Here's your pizza. Uh,

So the... Who's the person who hands her the pizza? I am. Okay. Our leader. As he plays the pizza down in front of her, her emaciated, bony hand shoots up and grabs you around the wrist. Really rough. And she looks up at you. The rags that are sort of her cool, cloaky hood kind of fall away. And you don't recognize her or anything like that. But she goes...

Oh, did you want Parmesan? No, the tables don't come with it unless it comes in the box. The little table thing? Yeah, that's only delivery. And we do have water. You just have to ask for it now. So she goes, you have the...

So she goes, first of all, I would like, yes, water, please. Okay, can somebody get her water? It's absurd that we have to ask for that now. Holy shit. Yeah, whatever. That's not fire today. She looks at you and she smiles sadly and she says, you want to save the world or worlds, don't you?

You can feel that her consciousness is searching through your entire life. When you shake her hand, you feel four-dimensionally that your hand is being shaken. You can feel it backwards and forwards in time. Damn. And she goes, you want to save the world, don't you? Or, I guess, worlds. Is that right? Yeah, that's right, lady. I mean...

I think she's talking to Scary. Oh, sorry. No, I'm talking to all of you. Oh, yeah. I see all of you being together for at least some period of time. Oh. And do you see me like kind of like off in the distance kind of coolly staring off in the distance on a cliff side with the wind in my hair? No, you're not there. You're dead. What? Oh. No, I'm just fucking with you. I'm not looking at you too clearly because I'm not touching you right now. Well, but.

Do you know how we could do that, maybe? It seems like you're wise. No, I don't have full understanding. I'm so sorry, how rude of me to not introduce myself. I am Tilt-a-Toblerone, a dimensional witch, and I know that there will be many ways in your journeys together that you will find to save these worlds, and you're going to find these ways together. You will find a way to save this world and the world from whence you came, but you're going to have to choose which method you're going to use.

of world saving is right for you. Oh, there will be people in your life who you love, who have ideas of what is right. And there will be people in your life who you hate, who have ideas as to what is right. And it is going to be up to you to decide what,

what happens or maybe you make your own path. I don't know. You're right. Why is it up to us? It is all up to me. Like during this whole monologue, she's clearly talking that scary, but then you'd be like pan slightly over the left. Taylor's like got his hand on his chin, like looking off in the distance being like, yes. So why? So correct. Yeah. It's going to be all on you. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. Heavy burden. I would also like red pepper flakes, please. Oh, we actually don't have that. Oh, no. Yeah. We're out. We spilled it all on the floor. Oh,

In our big fight, we fought a guy. She seems like on our side, though. You seem like you know a lot about this world. Do you know what our dads did? We were here to save our dads, but we found out... I mean, our dads kind of effed this whole thing up. So, like...

How do you know all this? Do you know what they did? I know what they did. I know what their fathers did. And I know vaguely what you will do. Yes. I see in time and space pretty easily. And I saw that today was the day I died. And I wanted to make sure that before I did, I saw you, the next generation, and helped you out as much as I could. Your fathers are...

Within reach, you can find them on this world. And more than that, you can find a way to deal with the doodler. Did you say you died today? Yeah, how are you going to die? Oh, the heart attack from pizza. I grabbed the pizza and take it away. I want the pizza, though. Maybe that's where the heart attack comes from. The desire for pizza. Gary starts like clapping slowly like,

Happy happy birthday, today's the day you die. I hate to say this very quick goodbye. You're gonna have a heart attack on a pizza pie. Happy happy birthday, today's the day you die. She falls out of a chair and is dead. Help!

Somebody help! I start doing CPR. I get the feeling we can't do anything. And the camera pans out as Gary sings a song again. Happy, happy birthday. Today's the day you die. Somebody help! And Taylor goes like, wait, those memories might still be fresh, though. Can we extract them back out in case we need them again? Yeah, let's get the syringe. We drag her. We drag them. Oh, no. I didn't think that through. No, she knows everything! What?

I take a syringe in. But you said a syringe is only one memory. Yeah, you get one memory out of her, yeah. Okay. You can jam a syringe in and take one memory. Search for it, like basically ask sort of a question or something that you're looking for and we'll see if you can take out the memory. How do we beat the doodler? But she's dead. Look for a doodler based memory. A doodler based memory, yes. A doodler defeating based memory. How do we defeat the doodler? All right, so you jam a syringe in her head and that's the question that is on your mind as you root around inside of her memories. So I'm going to roll a dice really quickly.

Okay, so what you find is you see the sun, which is the first time you've even thought about it since you came in from the Forgotten Realms, from your original world. It'll be the first time we've ever seen the sun. Like the real sun? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The first time you've ever seen the sun at all is in the memories of the future of Tilt-Total-Rona, of one possible timeline.

You see you and your fathers assembled on one side of a dimensional rift, on the safe side of the dimensional rift, back in your home where you came from initially. And you see the doodler in this realm hanging high in the sky.

You see a sun appear in the sky and you see it go supernova and you see that explosion consume everything in that world. It melts the doodler down to nothing. It incinerates the doodler and incinerates the land itself, the buildings, everything in this world. You see that wave of fire reach the portal that you were on the safe side of and the portal goes dark and it shuts down forever and

And you know that you and your fathers were the ones responsible for bringing the sun back to Earth, but in the most violent and horrible way possible. But in this future, your families are alive, you are safe, and the doodler is dead. But so is everybody on Earth. Our days whisked away, but is there something more to say?

♪ I know that no one knows us better than ourselves ♪ ♪ Used to tell myself in lies that we sleep at night ♪ ♪ That no one knows me better ♪ ♪ It's all this right ♪ ♪ It's just a matter of time till we make ♪ ♪ We gotta be safe ♪ ♪ Not today, no not today ♪ ♪ Before tomorrow makes we can't change ♪ ♪ We gotta pick ourselves not today ♪ ♪ Just sorrow tomorrow ♪

Grant S. Kendall Aronson.

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Normal looks at the memory of him shitting himself and says, perhaps in another world, I could have called you friend.