S2 Ep. 15 - California Pizza Kombat
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Few Faerunians ever look up at the night sky and wonder anymore. To most, our new firmament is just a seething mass of insanity-causing tentacles. But consider those tentacles again.

For together they converge into the cosmic sphincter of the doodler's huge dark butt. Under that huge dark butt, everyone you ever heard of, every human, every elf, every dragonborn ever born, every rogue and ranger, every druid and dryad now lives their lives.

Think of the rivers of cheese flowing through the veins of Supreme Pizza Lord Papa John, the millions and millions of lives sacrificed in his melting vat, all so he can become the momentary master of a fraction of a dingleberry clinging to the underside of an alien's asshole. In our obscurity, in all this vast assness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

especially not from the four adolescents who just came to this world and almost killed themselves with a fireball. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than the image of those dumb dumb kids riding in a truck that says pussy wagon driven by a weirdo dressed like the Joker chasing a boy in a diaper under the uncaring all-knowing anus of that huge dark butt.

To me, it is a reminder to deal more harshly with children, to drive them from our lands, to smite them wherever we find them, and to keep the only home we'll ever have again from being ruined by no-good dipshit teens. I'm Carl Sagan.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four wayward teens lost in a new dimension in a quest to rescue their lost dads. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift.

the rogue, anime-loving, survivalist teen who's uniquely suited for this situation. And this week's Taylor Fact. Mm-hmm. A little weird energy on this one because we had the SD card malfunction on, so this is our second time through our intro. What does SD stand for? Suck and Dick. Yeah! It's already better. It's already good. We're synced up, dude. We've met each other's dicks. Dicks? Dicks? Dicks?

Taylor's teen fact for this week. Since we're going on a pizza adventure, Taylor's favorite pizza is sausage pizza. That's it. Just sausages. Different types of sausage. That's okay. Just a bunch of different meats. Just so everybody knows, last time he said flatbread. Meats and bell peppers. Meats and bell peppers. He's a supreme. He wants the supreme pizza because he's like the supreme. I'm just trying to help you out, man. Take it or leave it. Here's what it is. Taylor...

asks and never receives every topping they got. Oh, I like that. That's good. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, a schooled at home sports kid or soccer kid. It's mostly just soccer. He doesn't play other sports. Who's the productive paladin of the group? So to continue the journey through the senses, I'm actually going to do the sense of feel, which I'm 70% sure I haven't done yet. I'll be honest. I kind of forget which ones I've done. His favorite feel, his favorite thing to touch is

Stop laughing, Beth. Is he likes the feeling of the underneath of his bed. Like he just likes that cool ground and being like in a tight little like. So he like goes under there? He goes under his bed. He just likes to get under there and just fucking like just relax and stay calm under there. It just feels really good under there. What? It just feels good under there. It's just nice and relaxing. It's so dusty. No. It's like a. Ha ha. No. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Excuse me. Maybe on your side. I guess I just showed my whole ass. Yeah. No, absolutely not. Lincoln's room is very, very clean. He's got two Roombas. They work in shifts. Make sure.

He doesn't like to overwork his help, so he makes sure that they have breaks. They're in love with each other, but they start at opposite times, so they never actually get to be near each other. Like Roombas crossing in the night. It's like two Roombas pick up a strand of spaghetti and they start sucking it out towards each other. More than once, Link's woken up and he hears the sound of two Roombas. He's like, what are you guys doing out there? He opens up the app. He's like, I haven't scheduled them both at the same time. He's got hardwood floors. That's the cool touch. Nice. Oh, sure. Okay. The cool touch.

Hey everyone, I'm Will Campos, aka The Cool Touch. Nice. That's what we call him. I play Normal Oak. He's a mascot. He's a kid. He's lost in a strange land trying to find himself. My normal fact this week is also pizza related. Normal's favorite pizza is pepperoni because it's got pep in the name. And he's got a

And he's all about that. That's good. I love that. He is vegan. So he'll order the pepperoni and then scrape all the pepperoni and the cheese off and then just eat tomato and bread because the pepperoni and cheese hurts his tummy. And then just say a quiet prayer for the animals that were still killed for the pizza he ordered. I'm ready to give you a pizza, my mind. I did that joke before the SD card broke and it still didn't work very well. I think it's what broke the SD card. I think it might have been.

my name is Beth May and I play scary Marla goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks or at least she wasn't you know back on the forgotten realms version of earth now that we're on the earth version of earth maybe she is like the other warlocks here who knows anyways fun fact about scary this week is that

Scary often dreams about the merch she will sell when she's a world-famous punk rocker with a big band that everybody wants to be a part of. She's a big band punk rocker. And nobody said no to. She takes out her little conductor's baton. Scary Marlowe and the Jazz Poppers. That's what they call her in the cool punk rock future. What kind of merch? One of the merch items she thinks about is...

cool torn pants that are all shredded but they have a little bit a bit of velcro on the inside that you can put them back together in case your mom is like you're not wearing that to school and then when you get to school you can tear them up again and she's gonna call them the tear up flare ups she should call them the imbruglias because they're already torn damn that's so good

I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. I had a whole story about tattoo stuff. I'm not going to do it again. You wouldn't understand. It's tattoo stuff. Yeah. Did I tell you? One of the things I wanted to prank you with was Anthony has sent us, his fellow podcasters, a picture of the in-progress tattoo. I wanted to go to one of those sites that lets you do the two-week...

temporary tattoos and then get it printed up and colored in and then do it on myself. And then when he comes back, hey, Anthony, check out my back tattoo. And it's a photographic recreation of his. And it's also still like it just is the tattoos, a picture of Anthony's back. But like you also see Anthony on it as well.

All right, so last episode, you all took your first five steps into a new world. How dare you? Normal ran. Yeah, we went 20 feet, which is more than most people's five steps, by the way, in order to test the thing. And we got in combat. And then we ran to a whole village. I just came up with the clever way of summarizing the last episode. I'm not blaming you. It was like five easy pizzas. I'm sorry, that was my energy really different. Wow.

You all showed up in, I guess we have to just call it Earth now, because that's what it is. You showed up on Earth. Does it have a number, like a cool number, like in the Marvel movies? I don't think so. I think maybe it's Material Plane. It's whatever the area code of San Dimas is. It's like Earth 818. Yeah, Earth 818. You showed up. Hermie and Worthy arrived in the pussy wagon with all the items that you had unlocked from Daddy's HQ in the flatbed. I forgot Hermie's here. Um...

You killed some folks, specifically Scary killed everyone. We killed the guy who's clearly supposed to tell us what was going on. Yeah. You killed what would have become the most beloved NPC of season two. And then I looked right into the camera. I said, well, that happened. You all looked up, saw that the doodler's undulating body has completely blotted out the sky and that it's far closer than you would have liked to see.

Normal freaked out, as he has wanted to do, and started running towards the nearest source of lights. Oh, the quick update. I said at the end of that last episode that I was going to run Cthulhu twerking into an image generator. Twerking is a banned word in many of these image generators, so unfortunately we can't. It's so scary. It's too powerful. We can't let AI know about twerking. Yeah, exactly.

Unlike the way that Lovecraft describes Cthulhu, it actually is something that you cannot conceive of because it would be too dangerous. Too dangerous. Norma ran for his life and ran into a camp where a very long line of people was waiting to do something. When he got to the front of that line, they allowed him to cut in line because it turned out that those people were being sacrificed to a large vat of a cheese-like substance that was being pumped into the veins of a man on a throne and keeping him alive. And that man seemed to be Papa John. And...

That whole gag probably would have been a lot funnier if you hadn't killed the guy who was supposed to foreshadow it. So you just sort of saw it out of context. So it came off like a really wacky like Internet meme. You're like, well, how random would it be if there was a Papa John? I love it. I do think it was random. Yeah. So random. So random. Invader Zim vibes. Yeah. I love it. Boy, oh boy. Monkey cheese. Let's go.

Kill me. And then I believe Normal was apprehended. I believe it was the last thing. Yes. And then a couple guards grabbed Normal and then started dragging him towards the cheese. Normal's going to kick this party into high gear. Two guards are like grabbing me from behind, right? Yes, they have you. So Normal jabs his rocket. I got a boot rocket. Oh, you got a single boot. A single boot rocket. So Normal's going to slam the single boot rocket into the heel of one of the guards and then blast off. Nice. Cool. Why don't you roll?

I feel like acrobatics makes sense because it's kind of a dexterous, like you're trying to keep your balance and not just flip yourself on your ass. How much aerial work has Normal done as the mascot? Oh, you know, he wanted to do... Do you know when you see a circus act and there's the person on the ropes? Yeah.

Yeah. Like when they like twirl around on the ropes. He tried that one time and almost broke his neck because he got tangled in it. I think those are literally called aerial silks. Aerial stilts. You're right. Yeah. Or silks. Yeah. The ropes coming from the ceiling. Yeah. He tried to set that up in the backyard one time and it did not go well. On the tallest tree he's got. Ooh, a 16 acrobatics. Cool. So the 16, you stomp down on. Stomp. Oh, that's part of it. I get it. It's fine. Like,

Like the band? No. Like I'm using that as the word not as a reference to the musical? No. It was about feet and I was like stomping is what you do with your feet but I'm like of course that is. That's part of the action. It's not a reference. I guess it was a reference to the idea of things that feet can do. This is important. Stomp is a musical not a band? Yes. Yes.

Yeah, I've only seen them on like morning shows. I thought they were like a band. It's the cast of a music. What? As far as. No, hold on. Hold on. Matt's right. Stomp is a percussion group. Yeah, it's like Blue Man Group. Yeah, it's like Blue Man Group. Yeah, I guess I would call Blue Man Group like a show as well. Okay, I'm sorry. That's fair. I was tickled by the word stomp, but now we can continue. My favorite band is Rent.

My point is that Stomp's not going to be like opening for Aerosmith. I mean, on tour. Before Paramore plays, I can't wait to see Stomp. Did you guys see the My Chemical Romance concert? Dude, Stomp killed it. All right, so you stomp down on this guy's foot. The jet boot ignites and you manage to blast off sort of and move in the opposite direction. So you stomped on your left, you move to the right and the other guard, the second guard who had his hand on your shoulder is going to roll to see if he can like

Grab you, essentially. Rocketeer style. Oh, will you light his candle? That's a Rent reference. Okay. All right, so he grabs you by the ankle. He rolled a 17 dexterity as you begin to jet away. So he grabs you by your non-jet booted ankle,

but your jet boot is still going. So you're still in the air. Like, it's just kind of like holding me like a kite. Yeah. Kind of exactly like that. The other guard is going, is he like fire hose right now? Like not really going anywhere. Just kind of spraying around. Yeah. You know what? It's less like a kite, more like a balloon. That's got a hole in it, but not so much of that pop. Just you're beginning to wow. And he's holding onto you as tight as you can. Hey, let me go. I don't want to be here. This entire scene, of course, taking place in the like GoPro angle, like wide angle lens that you have in front of you. Like, well,

The Iron Man view, if you will. Jarvis, get me out of here. My booster leg is free, right? Yes. I will aim my free rocket leg as best I can at the guy's face. Okay, so I will give you two options. You can either do it without disengaging the jet boots. You have a second of control to blast this dude's face.

But if you fail, then that means he'll have a second to grab you and fully wrestle you to the ground. Or you can just try to use your strength to fight against the jet flow and put it directly in this guy's face. It'll just be harder. Quads, dude. You got good quads? Yeah, I'm going to use my strength to fight against the jet flow. All right, give me a strength saving throw. Let's see it. Ooh.

Daddy got a six. Nice. Okay. You try to fight against the kick of the jet boot, but you end up making yourself basically invert upside down in your jet boot. It like pile drives you into the ground head first and you just hit the ground. Okay. Okay. So you hit the ground pretty hard and-

the jet boot fizzles out for a second and he starts to drag you towards the pit of molten cheese. You're gonna damage him, bro? Just in my head, it's a very jackass-y stunt and I know that- Oh, you want him to take some HP damage? I just think that Johnny Knoxville doesn't walk away from those. I'm normal-oak and this is the jet boot. They're always fine and jackass. That's a good point. Yeah.

Roll a D8. Freddie, why are you giving Walt damage? Freddie's a little asshole, that's why. I'm in the zone of role play right now, you know? I really want this picture to make sense of that. Freddie is the antithesis of today for you, tomorrow for me. That's my last reference of the night. I'm going to retire that. But I wish I could retire, but I got to pay rent. I'm like the title character in Rent. Oh, yeah. John Rent. Holy shit!

Great minds think alike, but also comedy hacks. I take six damage, so I now have 10 HP. Ooh!

Ooh, it's been a bad day for normal. Been a bad day for normcore. I feel like the pussy wagon probably has managed to accelerate to Papa John's camp. Describe the scene before us. What chaos lies? So as far as what you can see from the outside, so there's these big gates and the gates are open and there's a big line of people leading out across the road. I assume at some point you probably saw them in the headlights and decided to, you know, off-road and drive next to them or something. So the question is, at what point do you want to stop

The pussy wagon. Do you want to like drive all the way in and like try to smash those gates open? Because they're open enough for people to walk through, but they're not like pussy wagon size. Can I see just for the sake of

because obviously Matt the player here would be like we gotta go save Will as quickly as possible if we saw normal like flying in the air for a second and going down like we're driving through that gate no you didn't see that they were probably just driving through the gate casually and trying to see what's up we don't know what's going on we accelerate hard towards the gate and at the last second I slam on the brakes so that I can gently nudge it open without damn

I'm just going to roll down a window then call out to the first person I see. And he's like, hey, have you guys seen a kid with like a diaper and like a cool band shirt like running in through here? Kind of smelly, but in like a cool, in a friendly way, I guess. Somebody wearing rags with dead eyes looks up at you and sort of nods really slowly and just points an emaciated finger towards the inside of the camp. What's this line for? Is it like a concert or like anything cool? The person says,

Pizza. Man, that's a pretty dope band name. Pizza. All right, we accelerate through. Okay. So there are two guards on the other side of the gate that you immediately see that see a behemoth coming at them and stand in front of it and go halt. And they point their big old shiny spears with diamond tips at the front of the car. Oh, don't worry, guys. I got this. I just accelerate through them. Jesus. Okay, roll animal handling.

There's no danger. You just running through these people are friends.

this is in trouble. You guys don't know that I'm in trouble yet. Can they see me being apprehended by the guards? I feel like, yeah, beyond these two guards, they can probably see this guard. The other guard dragging you toward the big pit of cheese. And then if you can focus on anything other than the two guards directly in front of you and your friend being dragged away, you can see in the distance Papa John sitting on his pizza throne. Nope, nope. Too weird. Too weird. Gonna just confuse my brake for my gas pedal, so to speak. And then I rolled a natural 20. A natural 20? Alright, well you get to determine what happens then. I feel like as I accelerate...

Both of the spears just plunk into the hood and they just get wrenched out of their hands. So now we have two cool, shiny spears at our discretion embedded in the hood. As I run over, I run over them, maiming them so that they can't enter the fight. You'll run over them. I'll run over them, but I'll aim for their feet.

Okay, so you perfectly managed to like aim your tires in such a way and fake the dudes out in such a way that they both try to dive away at just the last possible second and their ankles get crushed underneath the wheels of the pussy wagon after they have tossed their spears at you and embedded them both in the hood. Hey guys, two free spears. Good luck joining the band Stomp, assholes.

All right. You have all the speed and control of this car in this particular moment that you want to. So you see that the guard whose foot is not on fire and trying to pad it out is dragging a dazed and almost unconscious, but still conscious enough to like say stuff and take actions. I think we're gonna start beeping. I'm just like, hey, hey, Norm! Norm!

I opened the door. I was like, hey, Norm, get in here. Hey, guys, that's our friend. Thanks for, we need him. The car stopped or you're? I think we're just circling them, you know, because you always got to be moving. Okay. You're trying to do donuts. We're driving around a couple miles per hour and like, you know, rotating and turning around if we get too far ahead of the window. Goes right in the whip. I tug the guy who's dragging me on the sleeve. I'm like, those are my friends. They're here to pick me up.

I think I have a concussion. I talked to my friends inside the cab. The tactic is often to try and hijack the car after it stops. If they never stop, they can't take the car. You're going to drive around...

at a couple miles an hour, which means you'd be presumably at some point driving in front of the throne of Papa John. Yes. So he is going to see this, oh God, he's going to see this irritating, really yellow truck driving around and he's going to extend his fingers and say, cease, cease. His fingernails, like the panels, like open up like the hood of a car, like, oh no, it's the mucinex head. No, it's like the headlights of a Miata. Oh God, oh.

And then a bunch of jets of pizza grease come out and hit the ground in front of your car. But he rolled not so great. So every time you continue to do one of these loops around the fucking Luigi Raceway track that is the camp of Papa John, you're going to have to test the oil slick that he has put down. Now, how does me knowing about the initial D help?

in this scenario. I feel like that retroactively explains your natural 20, despite the fact that you've never driven a car before in your life. What is it normally? It's just plus zero. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, yeah. So you got beginner's initial D luck. There's just one guard near norm? Currently holding on to norm right now. There is one guard. Within the camp overall, you can see that there are several very well-armed guards near Papa John. How far away? Like, you know, assuming that we remove him from the guard, like, can we...

grab him and get back into the car or is all the guards like 10 feet away? In the time it took you to stop, the guards could clear that distance and probably have an attack on you. Do they look like they're getting ready to, like, what are they doing? They're basically following you around with their eyes and their weapons, their scimitars, just waiting for an opening, essentially. But I'm not going to give it to them, you know what I'm saying? Well, you might have to if you're going to stop and get your friend or not. Shh.

Can Norm do anything? Yeah. He's unconscious. Is he well enough to ghost ride the whip? All right. I'm going to leap out. You guys leap out on the inner diameter of the circle. I'm going to leap out. I got my cleats. I'll form a protective barrier. I mean, yeah, you can turn as much as you can and hopefully don't slide. Yeah, I'm going to leap out and I'm going to say that my cleats help me on not slipping on the grease because you said that he's put grease out. So I feel like that does affect people walking, right? Including the guards. He put grease ahead of the pussy wagon. That's a separate area from where I hate this game.

from where normal is being dragged around. There's a spot of grease between me and the pizza and Papa John. Yeah, so mainly that's something that Taylor is going to have to deal with as he's driving. It's less a concern for you. You have to deal with the fact that there is a guard who has now put out the fire on his foot who gets to his feet and is heading to join his other guard friend who is dragging normal with one hand. Come on, Scary, we got to get Norm. And you're like really powerful. So I leap out of the car and I grab a spear off the hood of the car. There you go. And I charge at

The guard that's holding Norm. Ah, I guess I'm going to come with you. So the two of you leap out. I instruct Hermie to get into the back cab with the other spear and like take opportunity attacks as necessary. And I'm flashing my Kellogg. Can I use channel divinity sacred weapon so that my spear is glowing? Okay, great. And it's plus damage. This is all Link is going to do is make stuff glow.

Well, it does actually give me attack bonuses. It's just not with my gun with no... I feel like, I mean, I think this might be the first time we've ever done this, but I think for a second episode in a row, we're going to have to roll initiative. We didn't even try to talk to them and be like, work it out. Like, we're just going full...

Let's rumble. Freddie set the stage with just driving over two people. I think even Link has to be like, there's not a lot of negotiation happening now. 10 plus one, 11. I got a six. I got a natural one plus three, so four. I got a 13. So first off, Papa John and his minions, they rolled an 18. But he said we get a whole action before he attacks. You didn't say he had minions. Oh, minions are here? Oh, man. Which ones? No. We can't use all our good shit this early in the season. No.

Wait, but just to clarify, the extra minions you said would be a whole turn before they could get to us to attack us. Like a whole movie? Like a whole movie. Yes, I'm saying they would basically have to spend a sprint action to get close to you and then they'd be able to take opportunity attacks if you tried to move away. Turn. Pop.

Papa John, with his non-oily shooting fingers, raises his other hand, the one that has the ivy in it with all the cheese, and he does the two fingers forward, like, go guys, but with just two fingers. The two of them. Tactical? Yeah, tactical. Tactical moves. And some cheese out of the needle as he does it. His guards are going to rush at you. As they leap off of the papa's throne and the heat from the pizza oven that is heating the big jacuzzi of molten cheese stops distorting the air in front of it with electricity and excitement.

No, heat. What are you looking for? You know when heat... Shimmering? Yeah, as they step away from the shimmering heat-filled air, as they step...

Fuck! We got it, Anthony. No, no, man. I'm finishing. You finish your description. I wanted to come out like good, but now you're going to just hear how bad I am at imagery because this is too funny. The longer it takes, the more slow-mo the shot is. Yeah. God, whatever. Two pizza guys run down. They look like pizza guys. What were they wearing? It doesn't matter now. No, it doesn't. No. It's like bright yellow armor. And you know how in medieval armor sometimes in the armpit they have those big circular things to deflect. Oh, yeah. It's like,

Yeah, they're like armor pasties kind of, but just a little bit to the side. It's like they're big old pepperonis. And the men coming at you, you can see that they have all kinds of what looks to be like acne at first, but just a lot of toppings. They just have a lot of horrible toppings that seem to be like embedded into their faces. They're running at you and you see that every step they take, a slick pool of pizza grease is left behind them. Disgusting people. This is a serious question. In my head, for some reason, Papa John's like 30 feet big. He's just a normal sized man.

Let's say he's an eight foot tall man. He's a big boy. He's Master Chief sized. Yeah. Okay. Yes, he's the size of your average Master Chief. Okay. Okay. He's Master Chief size. Okay, great. Two of his pizza guards run at you. They're going to spend their entire turn to reach you. Space marinarians, if you will. God! I love that! And the guard who already has normal is going to drop him and unsheathe two diamond pizza cutters.

And he is going to see Lincoln coming at him and he's going to swipe at Lincoln. He gets a natural one. What do you do that makes him miss you and also makes you look cool? I slide tackle underneath his legs. Okay, cool. You go right between his legs. Okay, cool. A cleat straight to the ding dong. Red card, baby. Yeah. His knees buckle and you successfully slide underneath him and he falls to the ground prone. And then Papa John. So he's going to like take a big inhale, a big.

Big, big inhale. And his stomach's going to distend. And his chest is going to distend. And he looks like he's readying something that next turn is going to happen. All right. Now it is Normal's turn. Normal says, huh.

I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. And I cast Spiritual Weapon. You create a floating spectral weapon within range that lasts for the duration or until you cast this spell again. When you cast the spell, you can make a five-foot melee spell attack against a creature within five feet of the weapon. Fun. It's going to be a spectral, like, you remember the Teenie the Teen Puppet? It's like that. It's like a floating puppet with, like, two big Hulk hands. And he's going to go up and, like, clobber the guy who just dropped me.

Great. The guy who's prone on the ground. Yes. So you'll get advantage on the attack because he is prone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a 21. Jesus. The teeny the teen hand puppet raises its big Hulk gauntleted fist and just brings them down fucking Hulk smash style on this dude. How much damage does it do? Five damage. Okay, five damage. So they're soft Hulk hands. It's like one of those like you cloud in close and it looks really huge and then you cut back out and it is kind of small and it goes like, yeah. And it goes out.

And now it is Taylor's turn. First, let's say you're going to make another animal handling check because you're going through the oil slick again. 19. 19. All right. Hermie, ready your attack. You go right. I'll go left. Is he like you're fucking familiar now? Is that what's happening? I'm his best friend. So that sounds like somebody who's just they don't have one. I'm going to try and like sideswipe the person on the left while I hope Hermie throws the spear into the person on the right. OK, cool. So go ahead and roll.

I guess I got my handling again and then an attack roll. That's a four. You swing the wheel too hard and too fast. Oh, big rock.

Yeah, you hit a rock. The pussy wagon is hurtling straight towards the jacuzzi of molten cheese. Hermie tries to slash at nothing, but he's got nothing to slash at because you turned so quickly. And the initial drift you were attempting to do did not work the way you wanted it. And this is like a ground level pool, not like a above ground pool. No, this is a ground level pool. So you're like driving into it. Not driving into a wall. He's going to drive down into the cheese. Okay. Just making sure.

No, that's a good clarification. I was picturing an above-ground pool. Like a big cauldron or something. I did say jacuzzi, which implies above-ground. You're right. Yeah, it can be. How scary. How do I feel in terms of the percentage likelihood of us going in? Next turn, if you don't do something about it, the pussy wagon and you are going into the molten cheese. So I would be pretty scared if I were you. If I was one roll away from having the coolest truck in the world, just...

Destroyed by mozzarella. You fall into that cheese before you jump out. You do not like that pussy wagon. All I was saying is if I bail and I yell, Hermie, take the wheel. Oh, I like that. Get rid of Hermie. Jump out of that car. Jump out of that car.

What a way to go. Do I have time to do that? Oh my God, that's his Joker storyline. Every super villain goes into a bat.

Holy shit. You'd actually become cool. You absolutely have time to do that. Okay, so you say that. Go ahead and do it. I'll go, Hermie, take the wheel. Jump out of the car. Hermie, take the wheel. Oh, you're actually doing it. So Hermie goes, eh, no problem. And he scoots over into the driver's seat and he's just going to have one animal handling action to see if he can fix this. And you all do a fucking cool-ass roll out of the car. No, you don't have to say it's cool.

You gotta roll for it. You don't have time to jump out. You already did your thing this turn. You can jump out next turn. He has to give a movement. So, you know, he was actually trying to do his thing and his movement is leaving the car.

Will, say he's got roll damage just like he made you roll damage. Yeah, roll an acrobatics to see if you hit hard or cool when you hit the ground. Fucking natural 20. Shit. God damn it. I fucking hit you so much. So I do like a perfect double shoulder roll and I land in the blade pose like one arm down, one arm up and I go, hey. It's so infuriating that he fell behind you. You hear...

You hear Hermie go, uh-oh. And the truck, because he did not roll well, the truck splashes into the molten pool of cheese. He goes, uh-oh, okay, well, this is, uh-oh, uh-oh, and it's beginning to sink, and the cheese is rising, and it's tipping over the window. Sorry, you left the door open. So it's just beginning to flood the interior of the cabin. He's going, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Scary, it's your turn. I can't believe I've been left with this situation. Because you rolled animal handling with the pussy wagon, does that mean it's like a creature? No, it's not that it's a creature. It's just that there's no vehicle handling. Where are you going with this? Talk to me through your plans. Talk to me about that.

Well, I was thinking about casting Spider Climb on the car. So it's like, until the spell ends, one willing creature you touch gains the ability to move up, down, and across vertical surfaces and upside down along ceilings while leaving its hands free. The target also gains a climbing speed equal to its walking speed. So it's like, if I could cast it on the car.

The car could climb up out of the back. What we'll say is, if you do want to cast them in the car, I will interpret that as the wheels suddenly gaining a tremendous amount of traction so that if Hermie tries to back out, then maybe the back tires, which are still on the lip of the Jacuzzi in this four-wheel drive, obviously, will maybe have the traction necessary to help him pull out of the cheese. Just take a break here for a moment. Fuck the car. You say you can turn any one of us into Spider-Man at any moment. No.

Is that because Willy Creature or Creatures? Can you just literally point at any one of us and we become Peter Parker Spider-Man far from home? Are you fucking kidding?

Is this what I want to do with my one wild turn? How many spell slots? You can make us all skitterbugs. We could all fucking infiltrate a place. This is incredible. Just abandon the block completely. We're spider boys now, Anthony. We just want to climb around. We rob banks. We're spider boys and we rob banks and we got cool costumes, Anthony. Our dads are dead and that's our backstory. We rob banks.

We're doing a third campaign now about superheroes who have to stop the Spider-Boys. Take the time. It's good because now we know you can literally turn us into Spider-Man. Spider-Boys, please. The cool big, groggy teens. Sorry, I hope you don't have any obstacles that are tall anytime soon. That would straight up be the funniest thing in the history of podcasts. It's like, yeah, season two was only 14 episodes because then they became Spider-Boys.

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Are you trying to save Hermie? What? I mean, no. I would never. Yeah, you know what? What I'm actually going to do is I'm going to use my cantrip, Eldritch Blast, and I've got two beams of energy. Beam of crackling energy streaks towards a creature within range. Make a range of spell attack against the target. On hit, target takes 1d4 force damage.

damage. And so I get two beams because I'm level eight and I have to roll for each of these. I guess the two that are closest. Yeah. The two that just reach you with their sprint. Those ones. Yeah. And I'm going to like force push them into the vat. Is that what you're saying? Yes. I will aim for the vat with my force beams. Okay.

My Eldritch Blast. These guys just ran at you, so you're going to sort of like point at them and then give them a bunch of force at a 90 degree angle so they go, and like fly into the fucking vat. Yeah, I'm going to shoot them into the vat. Go ahead and give me some rolls. Okay.

Okay, so 15 plus four. All right, so the first Eldritch Blast of Force definitely hits the guy. And a natural one. Plus four. Oh, plus four. Okay, well, so natural one, the first one hits the guy, and just as the Force is about to push him into the vat, the second one hits, and you realize that Force damage doesn't mean you get to push somebody. Ha ha ha!

That is a completely separate thing in D&D, unfortunately. That's just like a type of damage. You hit the first guy and it hurts him and he takes 1d10 force damage and that's all that's going to happen. Nothing I try works. I'm never doing a spell again. Are you not this scary? I'm going to my room. Oh, fuck. That's scary. Spider...

boys let's put you on spider boys first all right so that is a scary turn what does a link turn look like can i say when i kick him the nuts can he had dropped one of the diamond pizza cutters why don't you give me an advantage strength check to take one of the diamond pizza cutters i got 17 strength checks yes you wrench the diamond tip pizza cutter from the disadvantage still in pained hand of the guy that you just cleated in the balls what i want to do is because normal is freed right normally is freed i want to put my arm around normal

And then, you know, like those like three footed sack races. I'm going to like wrap my foot around his jet boot. You're combining a sack race with the three foot. Nobody ever did. Three footed sack race. You combine sack race with three legged race, which honestly seems like a really good way to die. In my head, when you wrap your two feet together, you put the middle in a sack. You just put it in a little sack. That's what a sack works for. The third foot is the Holy Spirit. Okay.

So the boot is in between us. You're binding the boot to one of your legs and it's in the middle. Yeah, so it's in the middle and I want to try. No, we gotta go for a Hermie, man. And I want to like do like, you know. Okay, I can probably do that on my turn. Do you want to do something on your turn? No, this is my movement. Okay, so you're going to press like the

button on his foot. Are you going to leave Scary behind? I can take care of myself. Activating the jet boot will be your action. The movement will be whatever your movement is. I'll take care of Scary. Scary's staying behind. Okay, so you're going to run up to normal, grab him by the shoulders,

press the jet boot and then try to jet onto the hood. And to clarify, I shouldn't be running too normal because I last turn, I ran too normal and attacked the guy. So I'm at normal already. This is your first turn. No, no. The last turn I sprinted and I slid underneath the guy. That was a stupid thing I gave you as a justification for him natural wanting when he attacked. You've never had a turn. I was being nice, which I will not do again. Yeah, that was, he failed. So he was like, why did the guy fail? And so it was like, it was because you slid on him. And you snuck in a fucking turn. And you snuck a whole turn in there.

You asked me what happened. The match is telling you like it is. You know what I'm saying? All right. So why don't you go ahead and make a... Animal handling? The worm is not an animal. No, no. You're pressing the button and trying to ride the wave of the jet boot as it goes off. So give me the dexterity roll. As you fucking jet toward the molten pit of cheese. Real high risk, low reward move. Fuck. Okay, dude. Plus three. That's called a 17. Okay, 17. All right, cool. So you...

with holding on to fucking normal and you into the flatbed of the pussy wagon. We smoothly jumped my friends because we're perfectly balanced with the foot in the middle of our three feet and we leap elegantly and then using the diamond tip

And then Diamond could definitely cut through the fucking hood of the car. So I'm about to extract Hermie from this shit. Like Jaws of Lifestyle. Okay, so like the roof of the fucking cabin of the pussy wagon? Yes, I'm cutting open the roof of the pussy wagon with my diamond-tipped pizza cutter. Okay. You can tell me if that's my next turn. On your next turn, you will. Yes, okay. So just Papa John's and his minions turns once again. The two minions, one of whom took some force damage, the other of whom did not...

You see that Normal and Link have jumped onto the pussy wagon inside of the hot tub of cheese and see that the only person around left to attack now is Scary. So they're just both going to do that. Taylor or Ray, sure, bro. So they see Taylor and Scary. So each of them is going to make an attack against either one of them. He's going to lunge at you with his spear that he's holding and you...

can see actually that as he's attacking you with it that it's not quite a spear at the very end it forks into a disc and then three little things and it's one of those little pizza tables but it's like really really short ah very good so that is gonna hit you in the shoulder and you are gonna take this is me this is you scary you're gonna take 10 damage okay and i let it hit me because i'm like that looks really cool at the end it's a little table it's very cute

Okay, great. It just slinks inside your shoulder and you're bleeding. Oh my God, I'm hurt. I need attention. So, but then he misses me, right? He missed you. Yes. So I dodged just by like sidestepping and going, God. All Taylor's done is scratch the car. Yeah. Then gave it to me, then leapt out, watched him sink. And in the background, you can hear him go, nice one. You look very cool.

Then the Papa is going to... Papa John is going to go...

Oh, shit. Forgot about this. Oh, shit. A bunch of cheese from his mouth and nose. Just an explosion of is going to come out in a cone that everybody that's not in the car is going to have to roll. You're welcome. You're welcome. Dexterity saving throw to avoid getting hit by this cheese sneeze, as it were. So that'll be scary. And Taylor both roll a dexterity saving throw. And the guards that are in the blast radius, too, right? Aren't they? They are prepared to die for the pizza emperor.

I feel like Lincoln Normal should like every turn roll like a friendship roll that like they should be able to get better at balancing their dual jetpack. I love that. Yes, I think we should. Because like it's like a training montage. Like it's like any movie. It's like it's like the first time you go up in the suit. They're like, oh, we can't handle it. But like now we're like getting synced together. OK, I know what I should have done is I should have made you roll with disadvantage.

Because it's your first time doing this and it's really difficult with two of you. And every time you do it, you should still have disadvantage, but you should get plus one to even your lowest role. That's the deal I'm offering you.

Best I can do. Disadvantage hurts quite a bit. Okay, but we already got plus one, you're saying. I'm saying the next time you do this, you'll get plus one. Okay. That's disadvantage. Anytime we try to fly around. You got beginners like this first time. I'm not going to retcon your good roll to get here, but anytime you want to do the three-legged potato sack jet boot race move...

You have disadvantage, but then your results will get plus one. But normal and Link have to say something to each other to become better friends. Yes. Okay, great. I am just horrified to announce that I failed my deck save. I roll a natural one plus three. Wow. Okay, so Taylor, your mouth is open with horror. I'm joking. I'm joking. It doesn't happen that way. What?

what no that happens that's great that's so gross no here's what i thought i found your line finally cheese in the mouth specifically guys sneezing cheese oh that's so bad i like i dodged the guy who was coming at me super fast but then i like sprained my ankle a little bit like ow and then i just don't know this no that's not what happens that makes you less of an asshole what happens is you go and you pause it because in your head it's an anime freeze frame as like something behind you happens like the car explodes or whatever

And you're so busy being fucking frozen there that you don't react at all when this cheese expels from Papa John and hits you square in the fucking face and hits your teeth. So it's still in your mouth like you all want it. Classic. Scary. It just hits you. You're so busy reeling from the wound to your shoulder that it just hits you square in the chest and knocks you down. So both of you are

adhered to the ground. You are stuck. Did the dinosaur sneeze in Jurassic Park? Well, I mean, that was just gross, but it didn't adhere them to the tree. There was not a secondary action scene of them trying to... Spider-boys. It sucks that they never left the tree. Yes, you were cheese-webbed to the ground for your turn. So you're going to be unable to move. Cheese-web. That's a great band name. But you can take your action to try to extricate yourself by force. Or you can try to do something without moving. Oh, and also you both take 2d6 worth of damage. Maybe we should...

Stop this Hermie rescue mission. Go rescue our real friends. We're all the way here. We might as well get Hermie. Might as well get Hermie out. Get an extra turn out of it. Eight damage. I'm down to three, guys. Six damage. Okay. Yeah, we didn't rest from the last time. No, you did not. Yeah, I forgot about that. Okay, now it is Normal's turn. So we're in the cab of the truck that is sinking into the... You're in the bed of the truck. We're in the bed of the truck that's sinking into... It's like a sort of Dante's Peak situation. Into the molten cheese. Oh my gosh, yes.

First friendship thing is I go, you want the pizza cutter or the spear? And I hold them out to you. I'll take the spear, friend. And I take the spear and I smash out the back window of the cab. And then I'm going to use the spear as a pole to offer it to Hermie to climb out with. Okay, give me an advantage attack roll against the window because you have a diamond tip thing. It's like a ninja rock situation. Yeah, feels like it should pretty easily break the window. We're a creature of friendship with three feet, a spear, and a pizza cutter. I got a nine. You got a nine. With advantage?

Yes. Okay, so the- Also, I realized, should we be doing the thing where Norm, because I got scared by the doodler's butt last episode or whatever, didn't you say I had to do something to get my shit back together before I make rolls? I feel like that stopped being relevant once you got grabbed by two guys and suddenly that sort of had your- Was the man sneeze cheese on your friends? Yeah.

That's the new scary thing. You're laser focused on trying to get Hermie out of here. You failed to shatter the window, but you definitely made a big, not a crack in it. I don't know if you've ever tried to like break anything glass for funsies, but like it makes like a mark there. Like you made a little mark there and it hasn't shattered yet. It hasn't broken or cracked or anything like that, but you've done some damage to the window. Here's a D&D question because I've used my attack.

Can I use my movement to try to Kool-Aid man through the window? Oh, that's interesting. Do you know what I mean? Sure. To just hurl my body through the cracked window. That's cool. Especially if you have a jet pack. What if Anthony was like, oh no.

Instead of, oh, yeah. Oh, I crack myself up. Oh, yeah, you can do that. All right. I go, friend, hold on to me. Make sure I don't fall too far. And then I throw myself into the window. Hang on, Hermie, I'm coming. Give me a strength check. Oh, that is a 15. Wow. Okay, so, yeah, with a 15, what are you, shoulder first? How do you do this? Just a header. Okay.

Through a glass window? Oh, God. Okay. Safety glass. It's a car. So you're a dome hardened by years of having Teeny the Teen's weighty head pressed down on it. True. Yeah, your neck must be insanely strong. Your cervical neck area. Your lumbar. Yeah, wait. What did you just say? Your cervix? Sorry. What do you call it? Because I know cervical is the adjective form for neck stuff. I don't know what that area is called. Your cervical.

It's the cervix. It's the cervix. And they're shooting by busting through my mom's cervix when I was born. Yeah, that's how you left. That's what happened. You were head first baby. Head first baby, Anthony. No, not everybody. I wasn't. You had a tough birth. Oh, you were a breech baby? Yes. Like Caesar. Caesar.

Oh, wait, no. Her cervix was so strong. She'd been doing so many kegels. You had to head butt your way out. You were brought back to the moment of your very birth. And that is what allows you to head first shatter through the fucking window that the rear window of the cab of the pussy wagon. Why does anybody listen to this? You're going to be talking about this moment with your therapist for decades.

So you shatter through and you're fucking, you know when it's like, it's like when Rutger Hauer did Blade Runner when he puts his head through the fucking wall and he's like, so you just shatter through.

Hermie just sees you shatter in and come in like that and he goes, oh, hey. Hey, grab my head. No problem there, buddy. And he grabs onto each of your ears and he goes, now what? Wait till we start. Can we keep going or is there a way to my turn? So that was Normal's turn. Okay. Taylor, it is now your turn. My turn is going to rock us out of there.

I love when a plan comes together. Link's just sitting there as his friend headbutts a window. He's like, just like you. Just like I thought you were. Oh, yeah. This is always how it's going to go. Okay. I will cast at the first level Hellish Rebuke.

Okay, so I may be on the ground, but I will note that the wording of this spell allows you to do what I want to do, which is you point your finger and the creature that damaged you is momentarily surrounded by hellish flames. The creature must make a dexterity saving throw. It takes 2d10 fire damage on its failed save or half as much on a successful one. Didn't say I need to point my finger at the creature. I just need to point my finger and I'm good. And I'm already, yeah, so there. Yeah, sure, that's fine. Yeah. And you get pointed at the creature. I don't have to because I'm already on the ground. Oh, wow. Now, I will say the casting time for that is a reaction.

That's not even your action. Oh, oh, oh. That happened when he... So that was last time. So basically what we're going to say is that happened when he sneezed the fucking cheese onto you. So he will now do a dexterity saving throw. And I do my best impression of like the JoJo's point. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. Oh, I see. You still want to point your finger just not at him. Exactly. But the spell wording says specifically just says point your finger. It doesn't say any point at the creature. That's because he said right there, Anthony, the rules lawyer would have really made sure. You are really taking my ass.

I'm going to have to court on that one. Let me tell you. Pointing at him, Freddy. There's two things that come down hard on. It's potato sack, three-legged races, and pointing. All right, so he fails his save. So he is going to take 2d10 fire damage, you said? Nice. Great. So he takes 13 damage. He's just on fire now. You see a slight curl of his smile on his face, on his very moist and shiny face. And he goes, oh, we're turning it up now, huh?

I'm about to get deep dish on you. Okay. So you were out of spell slots now. I'm like just stuck on the ground here, right? There's not, yes, you can take an action to try to like, you know, free yourself from that shit. And also, Oh gosh, sorry. I have poorly set the stage when the two of you rocketed into the flatbed of the

the pussy wagon, you were doing so next to all of the items that you had brought in from daddy. So the ATM sized machine with a button on it and, uh, and a puberty tree and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Where's that stuff? That was all in the car. We loaded that up into the back of the truck. Free through all of our stuff. Yeah.

I just want to roll the tape back and say Matt was really psyched about my move, but now he's turning on me. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, this is important. We're underneath the tree when we're in the pussy wagon? Puberty tree? Roll a d20. Both of you roll a d20. Oh, no. Just give me a straight d20. I got an eight. I got a natural one. Oh, no!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Okay, so we'll deal with Link first. Link, if you don't move the tree or move yourself next turn, you're going through puberty. Like more. But more. Like more. Like harder. Okay. Quick question. Are there any... I'm dealing with other things right now.

So this tree was just in the flatbed. It was in the flatbed. You were so excited to go rescue Hermie. And then probably what happened is when it slammed into the jacuzzi, like it toppled over and now it's aiming back. No, it was just sitting there in the back like a fucking palm tree. We just landed underneath its shade. No, I think it's what Will said. It went in, it fell over, but the way that I described it earlier. Don't you have to be under it for like a full minute or something like that? What was the rules on the tree? It was a minute, wasn't it?

Not six seconds. I did get a natural one, though. You did get a natural one. You get a taste of puberty. All right. Well, I don't want to. This feels mean. Can I grow a mustache? Oh, yeah. A really gross mustache. That's great. A horrible mustache? What Hermes sees is your head shattered through the glass. You turn to him. Yeah! You say, grab my head. And a mustache appears. Like the most disgusting, incomplete mustache. A mustache. Normal. An inverse Hitler appears on your lip. Pass.

And he goes, oh my! And he grabs your ears.

And I go, whoa, what's wrong? Because I haven't seen it yet. And he goes, nothing, nothing. We'll talk about it later. You're acting really gross. Like you're acting grossed out. No, I just, I didn't know. I thought there was no ceiling to what I couldn't react to. And in this moment, I'm fighting even my ability to act normal. Dax Schill is being significantly tested. Okay, fair enough. Here's my move. I'm a cantrip thaumaturgy. One of the effects of thaumaturgy is my voice booms up to three times as loud as normal for one minute. So I'm now three times as loud for the next 10 rounds of combat.

Okay. And then I'm going to... This is what Taylor needed. Just to be louder. Just louder. Yeah. And then I'm going to shout a, Hey, everyone, look over there! Roll deception with disadvantage. But loud. Yeah, and coming from your direction. You can't also throw your voice. Also, everyone's looking at you. Yeah.

they're gonna think is why the kids loud they're not gonna think hey we should look into a place that has not been specifically pointed out to us they probably would be more likely to look if you weren't loud but now you're still loud they're weird enough by you all they're gonna do is look at you that's a six yeah everyone looks at you and now they know not to trust the loud voice they just said look over there if it happens in the future well I had one shot well sorry hold on that wasn't well I had one shot classic turn alright next

I didn't play D&D to be roasted by my fellow players. That was a collaborative game. I had so many other things that were going to happen in this fucking episode. Keep going, keep going. Let's go, let's go, fight. Scary, it's your turn. So, okay, question. Is the cheese that's holding me down, is this like a mythic sort of cheese or like a curse cheese or is it just regular cheese? What spell are you trying to fucking sneakily use that will get you out of here? Yeah.

just fucking show me you can just ask him you don't have to like trick him you're my fucking son coming up to me holding something in my hands with a bashful look on your face like dad if I hypothetically if I maybe did um just show me it's just remove curse no that will not do it well remove curse I just feel like I'm so much more

But I can only think of just getting my knife out. You got fireball. Oh, I wish we had that reviser hat from season one because you could turn it to remove curds. Remove curds? Does that remove actually your lactose intolerance? It would be remove curds because there's still an E there. I think I'm just going to use the knife to cut because I'm holding it in my hand already. Yes. So I think I'm just going to cut the cheese away from it. Nice. Woo!

Oh, I get it. All right. So when was the last time we rolled for whether or not you jerked off? Do me a favor and roll. I would use Google for this. I would not do this with a regular dice. Go ahead and roll a wisdom saving throw nine times and add your wisdom modifier to each of those individually. And if any of them are below 10, then on that day, scary jerked off. You don't have to tell us what day it was. You're going to have to because the other days that you didn't jerk off, you will still get the bonus from those days. Yeah.

There were two days. How many days consecutively before? How long has it been? Between the last one. Yeah, how long has it been? That's the question. If I'm looking at these dice in a row, it looks like I have jerked off the last two days. The last two days? So you held off?

The knight is worthless. The knight does 1d4. The knight does 1d4. Oh, no. You were literally going to get, let me see. It was going to be like a 6d4.

And then you couldn't help it. Something about right before you went in. Did you excuse yourself in the bathroom right before you went in? Something about theater class with Herbie. Yeah, well, I was thinking, I was like, no, I'm not going to get into it. Okay, so yeah, I guess at some point in the last 24 hours. So it's just a knife is what it is. It's just a normal knife. It's just a 1D4 damaged knife. Well, good thing I'm only trying to cut cheese. Yeah, good thing you're only using it against cheese. So go ahead and give me an attack roll against the cheese. Okay.

There you go. Okay. So yeah, you hack the mozzarella enough to allow yourself to move. This turn as much as you want. And the next turn, you also get an action. Okay. Is there anything movement wise you would like to do? I want to get as close to the guys as I can. To like the lip of the jacuzzi? Yeah. Okay. Link, your turn. Okay. So in order to get friendship points to add to my disadvantage role, I look at, whoa, dude, that's a Sigma.

mustache man that looks really good oh my god oh my god yeah dude looks amazing yeah you can see it in the rearview mirror i look up at the rearview mirror go whoa my mustache is cool you look like a dad you look like you look like a man so cool are you telling the truth yeah yeah i think it's cool i think it's cool you know i'm just trying to make him feel good no i don't think it looks cool okay then roll this roll deception

Even if I know I'm lying, like, he would appreciate it. Roll deception. Roll deception. Yeah. I got a seven. Okay, so with a seven, normally you do feel closer to Link for him having lied, but you know you don't look good. You know that this is bad. In future interactions with other people, keep this in mind when it comes to your confidence level. No, I feel...

feel like it'd be a miracle for more like high school guys to know their mustache was bad like this is like a huge service that link is just hermy's holding his head yes and then i'm holding we're attached like one arm around each of each other's waist so we got our free arms which have weapons in them and then our third leg has a jet pack so i'm just going to point

high and just try to rock it off of this thing. Okay, so it's on my leg. No, but our legs are wrapped together. Okay, sure. Did you like, you know, join them like lovers spooning? How do you understand the

Yeah, the third plate. A potato sack. Yeah. But you don't have a potato sack. No, I know. Are you telling me? Was that our feet? Our toes are interlocking? You want me to take off your shoes and make your toes wrap each other like hands? What are you doing? Matt is showing off his arms wrapped around each other with fingers interlocked like a mating boa constrictor. Okay, how do I re-explain what we're talking about?

I didn't realize it was like this the whole time. I thought your leg was just nexus. But okay, so your ankles are kind of wrapped around. You crossed ankles, essentially. Here's my point. What direction are you pointing the rocket boot? Well, your head is smashed in. Like, you're bent over. The foot is still on the- So you're aiming it at the ground. Yeah, I'm just trying to rock us out. Angled in so that- So his hand would go straight up and snap his neck. Oh, God. For my action. Oh, I know what you want to do.

You want to pull his head out of the runway. Let me set the scene so this makes sense. His head is there. His legs are flush with the flatbed. So what you probably want to do is move your and normal's leg up so that it's pressed against what used to be the window and then boost away. Oh, is there a reverse? When there's a boost, you go in the opposite direction of the boost. Okay. What would a reverse on a booster rocket be? That's what I'm asking. I mean, suck myself to wall. And there's no point because we can be spider boys, okay? Yeah.

Can I literally just pull his head out of the car? He's already broken his head in, so it doesn't feel like it's a whole action to pull his head out of the... No, I don't think so. I'm just trying to leap away, because we're all grabbed onto each other. All right, all right. Give me a roll for pulling out Hermie and his head. Yeah, because if Hermie slips, I'm fine with that. I'm doing my best. We're sinking, I'm assuming. Oh, that's the case. If you're just pulling out normal... Except for Hermie, if he hangs on. Okay. That's a 17.

Okay, so you successfully managed to back up a little bit. Hermie holding on to Normal's head is pulled out. You see that as he is pulled out, pretty much everything from the knees down was submerged entirely in the cheese and is really badly burned. Oh, no. Oh, God. And he was like, hey, Joker doesn't feel pain. No.

And now I'm going to leap off this vehicle. Okay. I'm going to blast off. You're going to blast off. I'm going to blast off. Okay, so go ahead and roll dexterity with disadvantage and then add one to the result. Do I get two now? Because we had two friendship things. No. Okay. You'll get to do one before and after. Okay. Okay. So animal handling plus one disadvantage. Yes, please. The first one's a 19 plus two plus one. So 22. Okay.

So far, so good. That's a 10 plus two plus one. So 13. So with a 13, you activate your jet boots. You and normal and Hermie shoot through the air. But the suddenness of using the jet boot and the awkward weight distribution means that perfect anymore. Hermie.

Kind of... He messes up the equilibrium. He's kind of messing up the... Three's a crowd trajectory. Three's a crowd. The final is just the two of us. He's messing up the trajectory and you can tell that you are going to plummet back into the cheese unless something is done. Like, how far away from the shore, the cheese shore, are we going to land?

How big is this pool? How far from the shore of this jacuzzi do we need to sail? That's part of it. I feel like this car was like far away. Do if I land, breathe by shore.

It wasn't that funny, Will. Okay, so somebody needs to help us. Well... Taylor can shout at us. It is Papa John's turn and his minions. How many of the minions are left? I mean, you haven't done anything to any of them. Well, no, one of them's down. We've almost solved the problem you started.

So the prone one stands up. Oh, God. With only one diamond pizza gutter. The other two see Scary and Taylor, who are still within their purview. And they begin to move forward as if to attack you. And then Bob-a-John says, wait, raises his arms to the sky.

and then brings them down really hard, and the ground beneath you shakes. And four big lines appear, traversing the diameter of this camp in a...

sort of pizza slice kind of formation. Red light is coming from these lines. You can feel the ground beneath you beginning to equate a little bit. It's the most video game boss fight move ever. Yes, he's telling you where next turn bad things are going to happen. Those lines intersect with exactly where Taylor is. All of them? Well, one of them does. Okay, okay. Yeah, all of them. One of them intersects with where Taylor is, and then one of them intersects with the car and all of your stuff. I think our stuff's already gone. I will read that one off. All right, fair enough.

What a shame. That vending machine will never be used. Oh, boy. Yeah, you're right. The vending machine, the whole Daddy Warbucks thing. I mean, we might be able to drain this pool later, depending on what happens next. We might own this camp by the end of this. It's just a little bit of cheese damage. Sure, why not? You've done almost no damage to any of the bad guys. But yeah, maybe you'll own this place. Beth has not used Fireball yet. She can use this whole camp if you wanted to. Okay, so yes. I did 12 damage to the Papa John's. Yeah, it's not bad.

Papa John calls down the pizza slice lasers, basically. The airstrike is marked. And it's like you see him shaking and you can feel the next turn. Something bad is going to happen from those cracks. Okay. The minions. Calm down, Beth. I'm sorry. You jerked off before you came into the Forgotten Realms. Calm down. The three guards. One of them is going to rush to Papa John's side and try to pat out the flames and try to heal him. He fails.

So he just ends up just patting Papa John just weirdly just around his like midsection. The other two see that Taylor is still stuck in place. So the other two are going to attack scary. You dodge one of the attacks from one of the spears, but the other one hits you in the other shoulder and you take a lot of shoulder damage. Five damage. Oh my God. I'm so injured. Guys, look.

Guys, I'm so hurt. You have like a million HP left, don't you? I have 13. Okay, that's not so bad. We're all very hurt. Yeah, I hurt myself with fireballs. And we didn't rest in the car. No, you didn't. All right, normal, it's your turn. All right, so we're...

uh, hurtling towards hurling through the sky and at your current trajectory, you're just going to land straight in the cheese, but you get plus two now. I guess you do. Yeah. Yeah. If you want to try again. So I'm wearing the boot, right? Yes. It is on your account as a move action for me to try to use it. Or is this still like an action for me to try to use it? You'll still have to roll dexterity because you don't know how to control it, but let's say it's a move action instead of an action action, just for shit's sake.

Okay. In that case, I'm going to use my move action to try to steer us away from the cheese chasm that we're finding ourselves hurtling into. Okay. If you roll badly, though, we're going straight into the cheese. Hot dice, hot dice, hot dice. You got a turn, too. You and Hermie can both also attempt to steer us away from the cheese. Yeah, yeah. I was just saying if you roll like a one, we're going into the cheese. It's a disadvantage. You got to roll us twice. I got a 13. With a disadvantage?

Oh, god damn it. Fucking... Wait, do I get the friendship bonus too? You get plus two. I got an eight. Okay. Your angle gets a little bit worse. You point down a little bit more. You point down directly into the cheese. Okay, okay, okay. You still have your action. I look at Link. I go, Link!

you got to do it, buddy. You got to get us out of here. And I pat him on the shoulder. I guess we're already, I like kind of flap my hand to tap him a little bit. And I cast guidance, which

which is one of my cantrips. Nice. And now, once before the spell ends, the target can roll a d4 and add the rolled number to one ability check of their choice. So he's got a little bit of boost to... Cool. And also I say, my favorite color is blue! And we get another friendship point. Whoa, man, me too! Samesies, I really don't want to die! Ha!

We got a lot more common than I think. Great. So it is now Taylor's turn. Okay. I'm going to look down. Okay. So where is this a red line intersecting me? It would like bisect you vertically. Oh, like a gold finger. All right. So I'm going to try and struggle out of my cheese based restraints. Okay. She don't want to just yell loudly again. Okay.

Wow. That kid's loud and now he's cutting too. A D&D party divided against itself. This is the part of the movie where no, they can't work together. And then, you know, there's later on room to grow. You have your katana so you can try cutting it. Oh, yeah. I'm going to try.

Try and, yeah, cut through with my katana. You'd have to, like, draw it. You didn't draw your katana beforehand. That's true. And it's like you're pretty constricted against yourself. So give me a, still give me a strength check. 14 plus 3, 17. Okay. So, turns out mozzarella cheese is not a strong restraint. You slice through the cheese pretty, pretty. As anyone who's eaten string cheese knows, the fact that you can eat it any way you want. Well, string cheese incident. That's the name of the episode. Holy shit, yeah. Damn. And then I roll out of the way really cool. Okay, great.

That's really loud. Hey! Yeah, yeah. Three times louder than normal. It's watching a dub that they didn't mix properly. There's a loud breathing coming from my corner. Link, it is your turn. Okay, well, yeah, I'm going to try to maneuver ourselves away from the cheese. All right. We'll keep going down that. It's really the last chance here. Okay, so I got disadvantaged, but I get plus three friendship now. Okay. Right? You said every time we get plus one friendship because we're getting better at flying. I'm already feeling like I should nerve this a little bit, but yeah. No, we fixed it!

failed four times anthony yeah i know but if you just all if you just spend the next three episodes being like i guess we try the jet boot then eventually be like oh we get plus 25 it doesn't matter if we have fucking disadvantage or not you can make it right now fuel there's a million things you can do anthony down the line i'll find a way to balance this but right now yes you get plus three i still feel like it's pretty hard how much friendship fucking rules dude okay and i get i roll d4 you can burn the d4 afterwards because you can choose yes you can wait yeah okay okay

19 plus 3. Disadvantage, bro. I know, I know, 22. Okay, 22. So I got first. Remember when you were really excited last time? Remember when you were really excited last time? 22, New Beginnings. Remember when you crashed your pussy wagon at 100 miles an hour? So last year I crashed my pussy wagon at 120 miles an hour. Okay.

Okay. Do the math here. I got an 11 plus three. So that's 14. So that's not too bad. I'm going to use that D4. Okay.

That's two so that's 15 says 14 you said 14 is 16. Oh two plus four 11 plus three plus two Yes, okay great with a 16 you managed to write yourself and suddenly all three of you are going in a lateral line straight parallel to the cheese You've dropped below the hard deck. Yes, like maverick right here. Yeah, and you are just barely fucking lay a video the wake the

You're like using the ripples and stuff. I put the cheese cutter in the cheese and just like making a little ripple.

And the three of you managed to skid. The cheese forces. The three of you managed to skid onto the surface on the other side of the cheese jacuzzi. Actually, why don't you roll acrobatics? You're going to land safely on the ground no matter what, but do you have the control necessary to not land in one of the pizza cutter zones? Oh. But they're very, very small. I got two plus three, so five. Wow. Okay, cool. You crash onto the dry land and you

You roll for a bit. And when you come to a stop link, you look up and you see that both normal and Hermie, there's a light coming from the ground that they're laying on top of. So both of them are going to be hit. Was that my action or my move action? Um,

Well, you're mid-flight already. But it's attached to me. That was why it was my move. Will gets to use it as a move. That was your action. You have a move. But we have established you can use a move to ram into things. Yeah, you can use a move to... So you can ram into us. All right, here's what it is. You can ram into one of them. Oh, that's an easy answer. Oh, no, it's your wife or that neighbor you've never met. What are you going to do?

I was going to say for me. So I'm going to roll and grab normal and like roll with him. Okay. And then as I'm rolling, I'm going to cast. I wish you could see the look on my fucking face or reaction. You can't cast a reaction reaction. Just thing that happened. I'll just wait for her to get fucked. Okay.

When is Hermes' turn? Hermes' turn is part of Taylor's. Okay. So I guess I could have given him a turn while you guys were doing that stuff. Yeah, but he's not part of the jetpack crew. He couldn't maneuver the jetpack. Yeah, but in theory, he didn't get to move on. Oh, yeah, we held his turn. Yeah, we delayed his turn. Yeah, Anthony, we held his turn. Nice. Okay. So he goes, oh, no, my legs. I can't move. Oh, my God.

Because I did establish that they were burned to fuck. Yeah, fair enough. Shit. Like volcano? Yeah. Yeah, like volcano. Oh no! Just roll, Hermie. It hurts. I can try to roll. Like a burrito roll. It hurts too much for him to roll. He rolled badly on his acrobatics check. And he goes, you know, the greatest joke. And then it's Papa John's turn at that point. It's not my turn? Oh, did I skip you? I'm so sorry. Scary, it's your turn. We also do have Hermie about to die.

And also for now you can cast fireball just like farther than 20 feet away. Okay. Well, I don't know. I'm a little gun shy on fireball. So I'm going to do wall of fire. This is, you create a wall of fire on a solid surface within range. You can make the wall up to 60 feet long, 20 feet high and one foot thick.

So I'm just going to aim this at Papa John and his minions, or the minions that are next to him. When the wall appears, each creature within its area must make a dexterity saving throw. On a failed save, a creature must take 5d8 fire damage. 5d8? Jesus. Or half as much damage on a successful save. Classic jazz ball situation. Yeah. She's not locking anything in. It's just a line. No, I'm just saying. I'm just visualizing it. From you to where Papa John is...

with, I guess, two of the guys that were fighting you. There was a guy healing him, too. You're going to get two dudes and Papa John. A family can be two dudes and Papa John. Jesus Christ. This is

This is such a weird, lopsided game we're playing. Jesus Christ. Get it, guys? Jesus Christ. Yeah. Okay, the one nearest to you just fucking immolates. He's just like, it gets immediately just absorbed by the fire. The one who's patting Papa John to try to heal him goes, no, and stands in front of him with his arms out trying to stop the fire, and the fire just goes, and he just goes up too.

And then Papa John is going to take all the money. Scary as just murder so many people. 24 damage Papa John takes and he goes like, and he puts his hands on the chair and he pushes himself up from it and ping, ping,

Like all the different like hoses and stuff that are plugged into him. They're just spraying fucking oregano and grease and olive oil everywhere. And he is now out of his throne and on fire. And he is going to start heading towards you on his turn, which is now his arms still up. And now he's on fire and angry. He's entered phase two of his boss fight. Oh no. He like brings his arms down and the ground at all the different laser areas between you splits.

And pure brick oven fire sprays from the ground in those areas. Hermie takes a jet of fire. I use my reaction for protection. I don't know if this is going to matter for this spell. And he just has disadvantage on the attack roll. Is that going to help her me? The way it's going to work is kind of like an area of effect thing. So Hermie will be able to like make a saving throw to try to roll out of the way, but it's going to be disadvantaged because he's not very mobile right now. So we got a four. So,

So, yeah, a jet of brick oven fire comes out of the ground and just gets him right in the face and chest. Oh, no! And he's blown back onto his back as the Joker suit he's wearing also begins to catch fire. And he starts thrashing around and trying to roll himself out. Guys, don't worry. He can act like he's alive. What the fuck, Scary? Scary!

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See store for details. Hey, that's my best friend. Normal, it is your turn. I'm going to cast Cure Wounds on Hermie. Fucking really?

We've established that we don't like this guy. This is your fault. This is all objective for Taylor's fault. You just said he was your best friend. Why are you mad that he's healing him? You can say he's my best friend and then wink, he'll be, but you're my friend. Oh, you're mad that he's not healing you? Yeah. Oh, but you're not dead yet. I'm real close, though. He's down. Hermes is like, he's thrashing around for a bit, but then he stops moving. Okay, so he's been death saves? You don't know.

Okay. You know if in this world NPCs have death saves or if they just die. I rush over to Hermie and I once again strip off my t-shirt to fan the flames out and cast Spare the Dying on him to stabilize him. The fire goes out and the smoke clears and you see that despite the fact that he's wearing a Joker costume, he is now perfectly burned like Two-Face across the entire left side of his face. He looks up at you, his eyes open, and he goes...

I knew you liked me. Aww. Aww. And the Cameron from Ferris Bueller voice goes, normal, I'll get my hair out. So he's alive. And now it's Taylor's turn. And you have an angry Papa John coming towards you all as a group. Dude, I can do fucking dick shit right now. Oh, also, and you see in the intervening six seconds, the pussy wagon and all of your stuff, except for what you have on you, submerges into the molten cheese. Oh.

You guys mad at me? Don't be mad at me. Normal's definitely mad at you. No. Matt Orlik is not mad. Yeah, I'm going to turn to the line of assembled people. What's the vibe of that line? Just sad. Oh,

a lot of people resigned to their fates. Like they're not pumped about being turned into pizza or whatever. No, I'm gonna use thaumaturgy. So I don't have the same effectiveness as Glenn as this, but this is definitely Glenn move something deep within you awakens. Yeah. My fellow citizens of this land. Fuck this guy. We outnumber him. Let's take him down. Yeah. 15. Okay. So with a 15, the would be pizza cheese. People turn to each other and like realize like, Oh, you just, you just killed like most of the guards that were nearby. Yeah.

Maybe we should... Like, you're beginning to get to them. Rally to me, your leader! I think maybe next turn you'll get that, but I don't think right away.

I stand on a slightly raised rock to try and give myself a little height boost. Steps on top of Hermie. In miniatures, they call it a tactical rock because every important character has one foot on a rock. It just is cooler. That's hilarious. I didn't know that. It's funny. All right, Scary, it's your turn. So Papa, I mean, I'm not going to call him Papa, but... And yet the die has already been cast. You already did it. Oh, no. Okay, so John is coming toward... PJ, if you will. ...

Is coming towards us still? Yes. Okay. I am going to cast my poison spray cantrip. Okay. You extend your hand toward a creature. You can see within range and project a puff of noxious gas from your palm. The creature must...

Succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 1d12 poison damage. The spell's damage increases by 1d12 when you reach 5th level. So 2d12. Oh, boy. And so, yeah, I raise my hand and I'm like, hey, smell this, asshole. Better ingredients, better, you know, like, shit. Shit.

As your fingers begin to spray out poison, he goes, you could have done something with cut the cheese that you already, with the smell of it. Oh, and then it hits him. And you do 17 fucking damage to this guy as he fails his constitution saving throw. How much damage? 17 damage. She can just do that every turn. Is it 17 poisson damage? Yes, it is poisson damage. Fish damage. Is that fish damage? Does he look bad finally? Yeah, he doesn't look great. That's why he went into his second mode as he stands up. Another health bar. That's cheap.

So he begins to cough. Little individual slices of pepperoni are coming out. Oh, God. Now it is Link's turn. I'm just going to cast Protection from Good and Evil on Hermie, and then I'm going to just, like, you know, army style, like, with Hermie, and I'm just trying to get out of there. I'm just trying to move away from Papa John, because both of them are pretty hurt. So I'm just moving away. And I'm hurt, too. I only have 6 HP, so... And it feels like Scarry can more or less do this. LAUGHTER

All right. So you grab a Hermie under his arms. Well, yeah, essentially it'll be a disadvantage on attack rolls against the target Hermie. Cool. So, so now it is Papa John's turn. He's going to pull out from his inventory from behind him. He reaches behind himself like a video game. And when his hand comes back around, it's holding a,

big old glass jar with a metal lid on the top with a bunch of holes in it. And inside you can see red peppers and he's going to fucking dunk it and throw it on the ground like a grenade. Who's he doing that to? It's an area of effect. So everybody rule a dexterity saving throw. Oh boy. Come on. Nine plus three, 12. I got 13. I got a five. I got a 15, 15. Okay. Everybody except for link.

Goddamn. You are going to take a D10 of damage. All right, I'm in death saves. Oh my God. Okay. Okay, okay, one. Wow. Lucky you. That like little scrape on the cheekbone. Yeah. Scary you specifically feel just one pepper flake scrape your cheekbone and you can even feel just that part burning. Like you feel. Ow.

Whereas Taylor takes a shitload of them to the face. You feel like your entire face is fucking on fire, even though it's not. It's like a Home Alone aftershave situation. Yeah, I slap my hands on my cheeks and I go, ah! And you fall unconscious to the ground. Ooh, ooh!

You're knocked out. You're in death saves. Okay. Hermie gets knocked back down into death saves again. He's like conscious for a second and then like it hits him again. He goes, oh no. And falls down again, goes limp in Link's arms. And Normal, what happens to you? I have two hit points left. Wow. Well, good thing you're not dead because you're the healer. All right, Normal, it is your turn. Okay. Whew.

All right, so Normal is feeling this whirlwind of emotions right now. Just this seething, he's so confused. He's got a mustache. He's freaking out. He's like, do I like Hermie? I don't know what's going on. And then everybody blew up. Normal feels this overwhelming amount of love for everybody on the team, right? And he's like, no, these are all my friends. All my boys are in trouble, my spider boys. And he casts Preserve Light.

It's a channel divinity skill. As an action, you can restore 15 HP. Choose any creatures within 30 feet of you and divide those hit points among them. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give eight for Hermie and seven for Taylor. Taylor does a kip up and goes, I didn't even feel a thing. I also send Teenie the Teen to go punch Papa John. And flows through the air. What is the Teenie? I have my spiritual weapon.

That would be an action, right? It's a bonus action. I forgot that I can be John. Oh, yeah. Okay, so he'll roll an attack. I got an 11. Okay. So with 11, he runs through the air spectrally toward Papa John and goes...

and starts like trying to like punch him and his punches seem to at least at this time do next to nothing. Papa John completely ignores him. Teeny the teen is once again, powerless and knockout a big dumb idiot. Taylor. Oh no, no, I'm gonna turn the crowd. So there's like fires flickering around all over, right? So thaumaturgy allows me to cause flames to flicker bright and dim or change color for one minute. So I'm going to change the color of all the fire to like green and

around us in a bid to convince the crowd. My citizens, we have suffered far too long under this monster's rule. Come with me, a powerful warlock, and together we will overtake him. And I change the color around the fire to emphasize my point. So you're loud and the fire changes colors. Why are you laughing? They're riled up, dude. Pay no attention to the teen behind the curtain.

Alright, roll persuasion. No advantage? Nothing? The thaumaturgy didn't, the little fire change didn't help? A little razzle dazzle. A little razzmatazz. I'll give you a plus one to roll. These guys are pretty bored. This is supposed to be impressive. Five plus one. Ooh, the oldest person, the one who told you, Peter, it was in there. He goes like, other people have magic in this world. I know what thaumaturgy is. Frankly, you also amount of spell slots.

So Taylor, is there anything else you want to do? I'm going to run to try and get away from the barrier of effect. All right, great. Scary, it is your turn. Looks like I'm on my own. Let me take you on a journey inside Scary's brain. You hear her voiceover. Everything else fades away. Dear Diary, I had an entire turn to think of something witty to say when it came back around to me. About the poison spray, that is.

I still can't think of anything. All I could do was open my mouth and say, hey, take this again. And I cast poison spray again. Okay, great. He succeeded his saving throw. So does he take half?

Or take down. No. Okay, so you poison spray him, and he goes, a whole turn to think of something cool to say. Yeah. And yet, shit, now I can't think of anything cool to say. Shit. Fucking asshole. Fuck. Still didn't hurt, though. Hater. Now it is Link's turn. Is he undead? I would say that's probably fair, yeah. Okay. You just said a cleric and a paladin's favorite words.

I want to... I'm going to try and make this thematic. I want to turn the unholy, which is as an action, you can censure an undead. Each female dead that you can see within 30 feet must make a wisdom saving throw. DC 10 on a failure. It is turned for one minute. So I'm going to turn around and be like, hey, hey, mister.

Hey, buddy, you're an adult, sir. You're not acting like a... We're just a bunch of kids, and you're just a big old media... You're a business owner, I thought. Like, what are you doing, man? You don't treat your employees right. Gosh darn it, this is... You know what? It's improper. You're just an improper person, and I think you should apologize. That's what I think. I'm censoring you. Why don't you apologize? So it was a wisdom saving throw of DC 10. He got an 18. Fuck. Fuck.

It was a little coin flip, baby. He goes, no, you're, who are you? What? Wait a second. Who that, who in the hell? What is this? What is this? And on his turn, he's going to run forward and,

And he's going to grab, I feel like the person probably closest to him was... Not Taylor. Taylor's way out of reach. Probably scary. Okay. So cool. He's going to run up and grab Scary with his natural 20. It's just going to happen. And he's going to do an Arcana check on you by...

He leans in and just takes several big lungfuls of your hair. Okay, creepazoid. His eyes narrow and he goes, like the others. Like the same man twice. What? Like a sparrow twins. I am not a twin. I'll have you know I'm the only one that's like me. He says, stop. I can offer you your lives.

If you stop fighting, because I'm going to kill you. Yeah, that's what I just said, buddy. Yeah. Sounds like you listen to me. Not like I'm going to leave. Yeah, no, I hear you. Stop fighting. Good job. I will give you a choice. Because at Papa John's, you can make many different choices about what you might like for your meal. We can either take this fight to its logical conclusion, which I will almost certainly destroy all of you. I also know what thaumaturgy is. You have no spells left. Or...

Part-time employment. Oh, God. Oh, no. Like for you? You will work for me. One of Papa's children. Papa takes good care of his children. Link, don't listen. We'll have to wear uniforms. You will have to wear uniforms. That was one of the things that I wrote down. Yes, you will have to wear uniforms. Yes. Can we see like a contract? Yes or no. You have...

one real-time minute to decide amongst yourselves. And if you don't decide, I'm just going to fucking go ape shit on you and kill you. Before we get into that, after all of our damage, do we have a sense of how much he's... How bloodied? Is he bloodied? Is he any of that? He is just on the other side of not bloodied. Okay. And we've done about 50 damage. Mm-hmm.

Guys, I don't know. I'm pretty tapped out. I don't have a lot of gas left in the tank. Hermes really messed up. I don't have any healing anymore. And I have six HP. What's everybody's HP? I have 12. I have seven. I'm at two. Do you have any more spell slots? I have... I know what you're thinking. Did he cast three spells? I have a bunch of first level spell slots, but I don't... Yeah, I've got four first level spell slots. So I established that I kind of ran away. You did. What's around me? Are there ramparts? Is there a tower that I could have run to? Like, I just want to see if there's any other options in this area.

It's like a bandit camp kind of vibe where it's like walls made out of logs with sharpened tops and, you know, a couple of watchtowers on either side of the horse. Yeah. I would say there's probably a couple horses tied up on

on the outside. I could get on the horses and try to fucking rescue you guys. I mean, we can't hear you right now, so we don't know what you're doing. We just think you look, guys, Taylor abandoned us. I think we might want to just play this one out and we can maybe run away later. Like, look, if I know anything about a part time job, it's you kind of blow it off after a while. Right. Well, how about this? Would I have to use my like real government name on my name tag or could I use scary? You are allowed to use your

preferred name oh okay maybe it's like how do i be of assistance then or whatever taylor's rummaging through like their bandit loot and you hear a voice from the from the tents over there and he's like what's that what's it pay your lives did i find anything in the tent that i just ran into investigation come on come on come on come on come on come on 13 plus 4 17 yeah you find it's like the size of an easy bake oven but it's like a pizza oven and it doesn't require power and anything put in it

For five minutes will be cooked at, you know, 400 degrees. So an air fryer. Yeah, you have an air fryer that doesn't require a power source. I mean, what's what's the job? I mean, you.

It seems like you just sit here and kill people. Yes or no. You know something about my dad's? He said the same man twice. That's like my dad and my uncle. I got to figure out what's going on. So you vote yes. I guess I vote yes, too. I just found this pizza oven, so I'll vote yes, I guess. I'm keeping this oven, though. Okay. I mean, yeah, we're a group, so let's work for this murderer, I guess, to kill people. We got to change the system. Listen, Link, we're all fucked up here. I'd rather not die. All right. Yeah. Hey, that sounds like a great idea.

Offer. We'll work for you. What an opportunity. So he goes, good, good. So he lifts his polo and under his polo, you can see his skin is just made out of a bunch of different Papa John's like aprons. And he just grabs one of them. It just rips it out. Oh no. And then he does that four more times and he tosses them at your feet and they're still wet. And he goes, put them on.

We could just run. We could just run. Like, just run right now into the crowd. Disappear in the crowd. We could disappear in the crowd. Why do you think this line of people is here? Do you think they want this? No, they know that wherever I seek them, I will find them because Papa John's delivery range is extremely large.

I wave my apron to dry it out first. You don't like it? No, it's great. Put it on then if you like it so much. It's just a little wet. It'll dry out on your body. Put it on. It didn't dry out on your body. That's because my body's special.

Okay, you're the boss. Put it on. It's just wet and gross. It's not a parasite or anything. We can work our way up until we're ready and we're strong enough to leave. I think Scary's right. I think we have to keep this fight for another day. If you're saving up for a concert, right? It's like the long game. But then ultimately you do get to go to the concerts.

The concert this time is Datapalooza, because I'm going to figure out what happened to my dad. Also, just because we work for this motherfucker doesn't mean we need to do what he says. Yeah, so we're just going to have a quick huddle. We're not unionizing. No, we're not doing that. No unionizing here. You're part of a family at Papa John's, and you just trust the father of a family to treat you like you should be treated. So he puts his foot onto his throne, and he goes, and he kicks his throne a little bit forward, and underneath it was a hidden staircase downward.

where you can immediately feel a big gust of heat. And he goes,

this way any gestures towards the staircase for your employee orientation oh god the patriarchy i don't know what that has to do with anything i'm just saying this is where you get trained situation yeah i just i'm not calling you papa i'm not calling anybody papa okay but i am whatever guys i think we just have to go along with this and when we heal up okay okay let's make a pact right here when we all get back to a loser for jim norm begrudgingly puts on his apron and ties it so

So Hermes back on his feet. What's going on with Hermes? OK, so Hermes gets to his feet. Half of his face is burned and he's looking around. You see his demeanor change. You can almost see his character shift in front of you. His loping, weird sort of dancey kind of Joker vibe is replaced with something that's a little bit more studious, a little bit more angry, a little bit more random. And he goes, well, well, well.

This could go one of two ways. No. He puts the apron on and he just kind of squints. The moment he puts the apron on is half the apron one color and the other half. Yeah, the half of me just goes burn too and it just sort of matches his outfit. So yeah, he's now wearing... One side is a perfect Joker suit and the other side is a burned Joker suit that looks more Two-Face-esque. And he goes...

Lead the way. All right, guys, we're going to learn about Larkin Sparrow and we're going to get the hell out of here. Right. Just go down there. We'll take a short rest. We'll get our spells back. All right. You head down the stairs and you come across what looks to be a very large cafeteria with a fuckload of those pizza guards sitting

sitting around eating pizza and drinking milk. Pizza. You know what? Milk. Yes. Drinking a lot of milk. That's the worst thing. Milk's the best with pizza. As you head down the stairs, you can see that there are a bunch of tubes from the ceiling that basically seem to

originate underneath where that jacuzzi was. So we watch our fucking pussy wagon just slowly get melted above you. Oh, no. And fucking into a bunch of different parts. You see all the possibilities of the items that were in the vending machine and the fucking ATM machine that kills anybody that presses the button. The puberty tree? The puberty tree, all that fucking melt. Oh, this puberty tree is covered in pubes now? Yeah. Oh, God. And you follow the tubes. Oh, God. The bottom of the pool is just hairy.

Oh my God. You follow the tubes with your eyes and you see that they lead to one end of the room has a countertop that sort of spans the width of the wall and behind it there's like a kitchen and pizza ovens and people working, people at registers and stuff like that. And there's lines of these soldiers lining up to get food from what looks to be his army's sort of cafeteria. And as you step down, he goes...

all right, first off, you look hungry. You need to eat. Go ahead. Papa John gestures towards the line leading up to the registers. Everybody obviously having seen Papa John immediately stands and salutes him. And he goes, no, no, as you were, continue to partake of our flesh. And they go, thank you. And they continue to eat pizza.

Do people working the registers look familiar to you? Because they actually look like the same man, but twice. And with huge smiles on their faces, Larkin Sparrow wearing Papa John's polos, see you step into line and they go, welcome to Papa John's. How may we serve you? Our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell my son it'll be alright.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today, for tomorrow makes the day can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, no, not today, for tomorrow makes the day can't change.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

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He's a 10, but he likes Hannah. He's a 10, but he rolled another 11.