S2 Ep. 13 - Children of the Code
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I don't know.

Until your ultimate demise. What if we just say forever? Okay. $25 a month forever. Get unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month with Boost Mobile forever. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. Dungeons & Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. May I have your attention, please?

May I have your attention please? Will the real Scary Marlowe please stand up? I repeat, will the real Scary Marlowe please stand up?

We're gonna have a problem here.

All my friends love Scary A. Chicka, chicka, chicka, Scary B's way too mean. She's always hurling insults at Norm and Link. She's not even giving them time to think. Yeah, the screws on my head are probably looser than yours, but you gotta find out who's the doodler, of course, because my name's Scarius

I'm the real scary and this other fake scary's a doodlerized parody so won't the bad fake scary please get crushed please get crushed please get crushed yeah my name's serious I'm the real scary and this other fake scary's a doodlerized parody so won't the bad fake scary please get crushed please get crushed please get crushed

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four teens from our world who have to fix it after their grandparents screwed it up. Gotta fix it. Gotta go fix it. That was funny. Gotta go fix it. I like that. Yeah, that was the logline for the Bob the Builder series. So there.

Can they fix it? Well, tune in to find out. Yeah, okay. Tune in to find out. Okay. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the anime-loving ranger, teen, lone wolf, badass, destroyer of worlds of the group. Well, he has adopted Hermie the Unworthy as a sidekick, so how lone of a wolf is he at this point? He's lone wolf and Herm. He pushes her around on a little baby cart with knives in it. A baby cart to Hermie's.

This week's teen fact about Taylor. Taylor is secretly a huge fan of the soccer team. Nice. Another reason he likes more than Taylor. No! That's why all the kids in the soccer team know him because he's on the sidelines being cool. Does he wish he was on the soccer team? No, no, no, no. Whenever they see him watching soccer, he's like, ah, no, I was looking at my anime. He has the energy of the team owner and the stands in the box.

seats. You know what I'm talking about? You know Ted Lasso, they're all sitting up in the box seats. They don't have those at the school, but that's where he is. Somehow Taylor orchestrated a trade for him. So they have like a kid from another school place on their team. He's got money on the line. And occasionally he'll shine a laser pointer into the opposing goalie's eyes. Nice. That's fucked up. You shouldn't do that.

How quickly they turn on you. That's not funny. Not funny. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group. And my favorite of the group. Oh, yeah. Thanks. That's cool. Matt or Lincoln? Lincoln, baby. Both. Right? Of the group. Of the group. Okay. Of the group.

Going down, continuing this journey of Lincoln's favorite senses. Lincoln's a pretty boring kid. This is some bullshit, guys. His favorite taste is steamed Brussels sprouts. Oh my gosh. That's deranged. I love Beth here. Hi. I love steamed Brussels sprouts.

He loves he was told that Brussels sprouts would make him strong. He actually really got into it. He really loves it. Now, is this a steamed ham situation where this is just what they call cheeseburgers or something normal? It's also why he's a stinky boy. His lunch is really vividly gross when you open that container up with those steamed Brussels sprouts and sit in in his lunchbox for about five hours. Also, he's constipated all the time.

Wait, do Brussels sprouts constipate you? Brussels sprouts have so much fiber and the type of carbohydrate that's not good to digest. Well, okay. It'll either make you really constipated or have a lot of diarrhea, depending on the way your body works. All gas or all breaks. Yeah, this is also a little bit of a bad fact. I remember I was like, I'm going to eat really healthy. I was like, Brussels sprouts, I actually like them. I had so much Brussels sprouts. I went to the doctor. He's like, yeah, you can't just like go from like

eating fucking pastries at McDonald's to 100% Brussels sprouts. I expect your body is going to be like cool with it. You need a transitory food, like a pizza roll between those two things. Put a Totino's and a Brussels sprouts in your mouth at the same time. Just confuse your body. That's why he's six. No, if you ate more Brussels sprouts, maybe you'd be six, three, two. So that's what he does. Hey everyone. My name is Will Campos. Let's start there. Hey Will. You're my favorite of the group.

Thank you. Fuck you three. I like you too, man. No, thanks. Oh, okay. I love you. Yeah. That's great. That's great. Thank you for saying that. You're welcome. I play normally Lee Oaks Wallace Garcia, the mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore and is having an identity crisis. The mixed up mascot. Thank you. I don't know what's going on. The energy's weird. I can't remember anything. Okay, sorry. It's a real hostage.

One fact about normal this week. So normal has just been scratching through the best friend list. He thought it was Taylor. He thought it was link. He thought it was scary, but then he tried to kill her. So now normal's best friend is a little bit of normal backstory drop.

is his pen pal from Ecuador, Carlos, who he met on a family trip when they went to Ecuador to visit Mercedes O. Garcia's side of the family, like back when he was like six and he met another kid and it was like, oh, you guys should be pen pals and they kept it up. Wow. So Carlos is back in pole position for a normal special. Damn. Damn, you guys have pen pals? Nope. Nope. No.

I wanted to. I like the idea of it. Yeah. AIM pals. People I talk to. AIM pals. I had a teacher who was like, hey, if you want a pen pal from any country, I will pay the rate and do all that stuff. And I just watched GoldenEye, so I was like, Russia. I want a Russian pen pal like Xenia Anatov. Can I have Xenia Anatov as a pen pal? And she was like, I don't think I can do that.

Hello, it's me, your pen pal, Beth May. You heard me say my name earlier, but that was just a tease. Now I'm really here. Fuck me. Okay. Anyways, I play Scary Marlow. She's back. The goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Rad fact.

about scary is that when she did play soccer, her nickname was the waterfall because the one time that she played goalie, she was really good at it, but she cried the whole time. Oh,

Stopped all the shots, but with a sob. Why was she crying? Because she didn't want to play goalie? Yeah, nobody wants to play goalie. That's all I wanted to play. Dude, I love goalie. I was like, there's a position where you don't have to run constantly? Say no more. It's so much pressure.

pressure though blame if anything bad i do remember playing goalie at recess one time and i missed like two goals and i remember vividly every single person on my team turning around and screaming at me i would say goalie goalie though depending how good you don't want to be mediocre you either want to be really good or really bad because you lose after like your third goal there's no more pressure you just let goalie go what you want like you know you saw it like i'm not gonna stop them leave me alone i played goalie in every single like any of the team sports i was the goalie on that i

Every single team sport? Yeah. Baseball. Baseball. Football. Basketball. Didn't play those sports. Oh, you're talking about like lacrosse. I did. I played lacrosse. Water polo. Water polo. Rich people sports. No, no, no. Not polo. Just normal polo. Normal polo. Quidditch. Normal polo. Smash bros. Smash bros. Yes. But see, Will, you have the pressure, but you also have the glory. I just didn't want to lie, man. That's all. That's why I did pole vaulting. I was the backup goalie.

for my club middle school team, which was actually great because like people's expectations if you're in are already way low. Yeah, it's like being the understudy. They're like, our big star goalie is out, so we're not going to win this game. And then if you make any saves, they're like, oh, oh.

Hey, there we go. That's a good, that's the best position. Waterfall. The waterfall. My name is Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. I feel like I already gave you a dad fact with the Xenia on the top thing. So that's good. Just keep on rolling. That's the best. We'll stay on the top of things. That's from the movie. I can't take that one.

When we last left you, you had successfully, through sort of a stabbing-centric investigative style, found the true scary Marlo, killed the other one. As Terry Jr. disappeared, like all the other projected images of your fathers had, he explained that there was a map in a journal waiting under his desk at Daddy's HQ that would explain more about what Code Purple is and why you may or may not wish to do it.

And he also suggested that at this point, you were basically free to potentially go through the door at the bottom of Riton's dungeon. Let's say you're back at Daddy's HQ. Can we say that we did get a bunch of Sonics to go? Yeah, we bullied the guy who owns the Sonic, the manager, into giving us a bunch of gift cards and chili dogs. This is going to help the motivation. Okay, that's fine. You're going to hear as you leave Sonics, a lot of people fucking calling the police. Like many, many people calling the police.

But yeah, you managed to get back before the fuzz managed to track you down because you have the most easy to find truck in the entire city. Miss Hale, you had a secret passage into the bathroom of Sonics this entire time? No, I didn't.

You drove here with your busted up pussy wagon. Nice. You're in the office where all of your dad's desks are. Mayhales is going, OK, so it sounds like Code Purple is to some extent separate from rescuing your dad's. Code Purple is something your dads did to try to avoid or defeat or stymie the doodler in some way. And they're thinking, I think, worst case scenario, if they die, you're going to have to be the one to decide whether or not you do it again. So this is like the project they were working on. Yes, they were working on Code Purple.

You are working on trying to get through that door at the bottom of Rytan's dungeon. And before you got here, I checked. All four of those outlines are all lit up. So presumably whenever you want, you can go through that door. You've also got some Daddy Warbucks to spend as per usual. And yeah, you called ahead and I took the journal and the map from underneath Terry Jr.'s desk. It was right where he said he was. Oh, dang. I was really looking forward to finding it, Mrs. Hales. Okay, I'll go ahead and close your eyes. Okay. Everybody close your eyes. I'll hide it in the room. Link's going to try to cheat.

Roll stealth. Got a 10. Her perception got a natural 20. So the second she gets really close to you and she goes, you really want to ruin this for yourself? I'm sorry. Close my eyes. Fucking pathetic.

Okay, open your eyes. Oh, where is it? I roll investigation to try and find where it is. Okay, go ahead and roll investigation. Anthony, you tried so hard to get this going. I did. Listen, it's probably still under frigging Terry's desk. Let me look. I got 11. Okay, so with 11, you can tell that it's not in this room. I got two. I look on Terry's desk. It's not there.

She goes, that wouldn't be very fun if I put it right back where it was. Well, I don't know. I thought you were trying to make me like look at this stupid picture of me playing soccer or whatever. Oh, that's a really cute picture. Sounds kind of like you wanted to look at that picture of you playing soccer with Terry. It's one of those combo pictures where the top one is like a pose. Oh, yeah. You're smiling and looking slightly off camera. And then the bottom one is like a really, really too small picture of you like kicking it.

taken from the sidelines. The lens is way too wide. You can kind of tell where you are. That's it. Oh my gosh. I was just going to say, it's really nice that he has this picture of you. My dad just has this book that says, like, how to fix your son on it. I'm just going to put it back here. I put it back. How to fix your son?

I put the picture down like face down. Yeah. Wait a second. And then I opened the back of the picture frame to see if there's a clue in there. You see the date of the game and you see the littlest parentheses and best Terry. She scored a goal and I was so proud. Oh, wow. Dash Terry Jr. I don't know who I'm writing this for. I guess I can look at this later. Yeah.

She's a cortical and I was so proud. Miss Hales, I don't really know where I was going with this search in the room thing. Where is it? I put it in the up-down room. I was going to make one of you go in because you're scared of it. I was trying to get you past your fears. But that's fine. I'll go get it. I can do it. I'm not scared of anything anymore. Nice. Okay. So the up-down room door is open. If you go inside, do you want to roll me like a wisdom saving throw to see if you don't get scared? Yeah. I got a...

Six. You are very scared, visibly so. Wait, wait, wait. Let me tie a rope around yourself in case you get lost or it goes up when it's not supposed to. She's already in there. She's already in there. Oh, God. Now that I'm level seven, I use Dark One's own luck. Starting at the sixth level, you can call on your patron to alter fate in your favor. When you make an ability check or saving throw, you can use this feature to add D10 to your roll. Okay, add a D10. Roll a D10. 16. 16.

Wow. Okay. So yeah, for a blink, it seems like panic crosses your face, but then immediately to everybody else, it just feels like you just sort of nutted up and got really confident, but you feel a wave of dark magic sort of wash over you very quickly. That gives you a lot of confidence. You can sort of almost feel, you don't hear a voice, but you feel a thought sort of forming in your head. That's like, you can do this. You are stronger than everyone. You can handle this. Yeah. I found it. Wow. So May goes, yay. Okay. Well, okay. So that's,

There's that. So I don't know. What do you guys want to do? You should look at it, right? Yeah, if you want to. Sure. Yeah. This is the map of what? It's a map and a journal. And it's something that Terry Jr. left behind for you. It's like an audio log in one of my walking simulator video games. Do you want to look at the journal or the map first? Let's look at the journal. So as you flip through the journal, you see in sort of very abrupt, hasty handwriting, just very clipped sort of notes to oneself. It's

seems to be a summary of events. It starts with a bullet point that says, like, we fell into a fantastical world, our dads came to get us, time moved differently than on Earth, time moves faster or slower depending on how many times the barrier is crossed, and it basically goes beat for beat in vague terms about the adventure that your parents went on when they were very young with your grandparents. I want to listen to that. It mentions...

It mentions that they went 68 and a half pages long. Yeah, yeah, exactly. There's like 20 pages there just about the time the friend Glenn got like stuck in a prison. Yeah, so you spend a lot of time talking about this prison side plot and you're just like, okay, all right, let's move it along. Yeah.

The second page is ripped out and then put back in. There's a part in the middle where it's like all of a sudden it feels like they're writing from like different rooms all of a sudden. Oh, yeah. It mentions they went to a restaurant and found a kid. It mentions that... Less creepy than that, I guess. But yeah, basically you get a lowdown of the places they went to, the people they met and they fought and that eventually they came back and it sort of ends upon them coming back

And actually specifically mentions Larkin Sparrow accidentally unleashing the doodler. And then it sort of ends there. So normal after reading this thing is like just shocked. I

Did you guys know about this? Because I feel like if my dad had mentioned before that he had gone back into another world and had done all this stuff, he would have mentioned it. But I don't remember him saying that. I don't listen to them a lot, but I feel like I will remember this. Who's to say it's even real? I think it's pretty real. I buy it. I never knew about this beforehand, but let me say it all checks out. That was always pretty vague. I mean, that's one reason he's kind of worried about hanging out with

Like you guys, I don't know. He used to just say that the world was more dangerous than I thought and that he did say, you know, he went to this...

dangerous land and that even friends that you have like you know it's it's not safe out there and you know he always just said just concentrate on making your own corner of your little world safe so like i knew a little bit about this but not i mean not everything that's that's a lie i mean now i know why you didn't want me to hang out with larkins you know i know it's not your fault normal i'm just saying like definitely clears that up a little bit yeah well i'm also kind of like i know i'm not like i do mascots and i'm weird or whatever but i didn't doom the world you know maybe i'm kind of disappointed

pointing at my dad right now. Yeah, that's fair. Plus, I knew you guys before fucking Terry Jr. got married to my mom. So is that like, I don't know, like,

fate or something i don't know all i know is after reading this that this glenn guy sounds like the coolest motherfucker in the room wow i gotta take some notes here yeah i'm with you on that one normal i mean like he again he told me some stuff i would ask questions but like this is a i feel like he could have this is a lot now thinking about the questions i asked like he definitely i definitely lied to me like quite a bit and that's like one of the first rules like we have in our family like don't lie like i don't know like

Man. Well, what's this map all about? May lays the map out, unfurls it on a table, and you can see that it seems to be a map of Sandimas, as you know it. And there are a bunch of specific areas on this map that are circled and little annotations next to them. You see a circle. Wow, it's like a paper Google Maps. Yes, it's very much like that. You see six areas that are circled, one of which is immediately familiar to you. It's the Sonics that you've been in recently, one of which is familiar to Link and Taylor as the...

headquarters that they were in, the Federal Boreanaz Initiative, and next to it you see the words Inverted Panopticon. You see an area that is circled randomly in the middle of some farmland that you haven't been to that just says FBI Drug Farm. Okay. You see the Grand Canyon, the nearby Grand Canyon. Wait. Yeah, the San Dimas Grand Canyon. Oh, right. That has one particular area of it circled and it says Tower, one area in the canyon. You see SoFi Stadium. Oh.

Which you still. So if I stayed in the still allowed, you see a note next to it saying no moles allowed and you see the seemingly random part of the map is circled and it says haunted house. And so May says, OK, that's a lot of that's

That's a lot of leads to follow up on. But you saying that Google Maps with paper makes me feel like we don't have to actually visit these places physically if you don't want to. We just plug them into, you know, into Google Maps. I don't know. You want to check it out? If it won't take long. Yeah, let's do some digital reconnaissance. So May puts the coordinates into Google Maps.

and you see a palatial two-story manor, or what would have once been a palatial two-story manor. The top of it has been exploded off, and there is a cordon of yellow tape around it with radioactive symbols on it. Goddamn, the resolution on Google Maps is incredible. It only got better. So she goes, yeah, I guess it's a... Like, we can't investigate it. It says it's radioactive, so...

Okay. There's a radioactive place in this town this whole time? I guess they blew up a house. Yeah. I mean, it's probably like already in us. Like we probably have the radioactive disease or whatever. Maybe that's what, you know, makes us so hardened to the world. Oh, speaking of diseases in you, Link, what did you do with that mini version of yourself? Oh. Mini version? Is that what you just said? I mean, yeah, that small one might have gotten action better than you can. Link looks around and is like, I don't know. I mean.

I didn't. Do you guys see what happened to him? Oh, no. I was so busy eating mine. I haven't passed him yet. I'm trying to think. He said no, and then he... Yeah, I don't know. I was so just happy that Scary wasn't dead, and I... Oh, shit. Well... Okay, well. Okay. Keep an eye out for him, I guess. Maybe he'll show up if Anthony remembers. Oh, God, I hate that. What does he... Okay, really quick. I don't know if you know this, because I really want to move on to figuring out this, but I just do have one question. Does he have my... Does he know where I live? Oh. Oh.

yeah scary knew everything about scary yeah i guess he definitely does oh god okay well and then i'm gonna text marco really quick be like if you hear if you hear a knock at the door and it sounds like me but more high pitch and smaller like don't open up i don't know explain this i think there's another b but small coming around uh kill it you're gonna reply just as what uh

Love you. Okay, cool. It's the love you and then the shrug emoji. What do you guys want? Oh, God. It's just a lot. I mean, this map's cool, but it does feel like... Do we want to go save our dads or do Code Purple? I don't know. I don't know what they... They're so vague about everything. I mean...

There's like a map with a bunch of stuff. Like they said, this would explain it doesn't explain anything other than that. Our dads went on some adventure and then my uncle and my father cursed the world by stabbing grandpa Henry in the back. I don't know what that's all about. One thing really quick. So just to be clear, just a little reminder here, they know about me and they want me. So I got to be a little bit stealth from here on out. So I may be taking my leave here at any moment whenever I see fit.

You know, just letting everybody know. Oh, yeah. The FBI, like, well, the FBI wants to, like, kill Taylor. So... They want to kill... Oh, boy. All right. I got to start writing this down. Okay. So my dad and my uncle cursed the world, went on trip overseas to another world. What else we got? There's Code Purple. There's the door that we all entered to maybe find them. And now you're telling me the FBI wants to kill Taylor. You know what? I think...

I think this is just my opinion. We're a group, so let's vote. But fuck adults. No offense, Miss Hale, but yeah, you too. You guys are all lying, and the FBI is bad. Everybody's bad, and our dads, they got a lot of explaining to do. Especially my dad. Don't just give us... We don't even know what Code Purple is. I'm not even angry. I am angry, but I'm disappointed too. Let's just...

I want to go see, like, they got to explain. It's up to them. Like, what the hell? Like, let's go get our dads. Let them fix this. Oh, that's just my vote. I say we go to the door. Go to Purple Light? What the fuck's that? God damn. It's something you might have to do, but yeah, if you don't want to worry about it. Well, you don't even know what it is.

it is no i don't you're an adult you're supposed to know shit well you also don't know what it is just because we know about it doesn't mean that we have to do it right yeah i mean that's kind of like the power of being an adult actually is like you can have the power to do things but you don't have to do them that's actually we're supposed to i'm supposed to get better at soccer scary supposed to do her album and normal supposed to you know be teeny and taylor's supposed to just keep being cool or whatever and like

Our parents are supposed to fix this. I was like, that's their job. That's what they do. So when was the last time your parents fixed anything? All the time. She just grabs you by the shoulder and she goes, Link, snap out of it. I know. OK, it's not fair. Adults are supposed to have this shit figured out. We don't. This might be on you.

I'm just an intern and I kind of don't want to do this. So it's basically on you. Whatever this code purple shit is, whatever it's going to take to rescue your dads, it's time for you to grow up. I'm sorry. It's not fair. It shouldn't have to happen right this second. But sometimes you don't get to choose when things happen. Sometimes things choose you. And if you want to ignore all this shit and just go into that door and go rescue your parents and hope that they can fix everything, that's fine. But it sounds like your parents

parents kind of fucked the world up in the first place so i guess it's your decision i can't make it for you i agree it's fucked up i'm sorry but it is this you don't think they'll help if we go in there i don't know if it sounded like they were kind of losing their minds a little bit while they were in that realm like i don't know what kind of state they're going to be in when you rescue them or how long it'll take for them to get back to normal i think mrs hales is right

Here's what I think. You know what? Our dads goofed this all up. And yeah, we got to rescue them. But yeah, I don't, you know, what do we got? Are we going to go get more answers from them? They lied to us. They lied to us about all this stuff. How can we trust anything they say? I think we got to figure out what this Code Purple thing is about. Then we're going to make the call and we'll figure it out and we'll rescue them. But like, if it's our time to shine, let's go. That's what it's about when you're a team and you're down in the fourth quarter, the third quarter, you got to wrap.

And you know, I've forgotten that when you're not in the zone, you got to get back in the zone. I think it's time for us to get in the zone. Thank you, Mrs. Hales, for reminding me that it's Mrs. Hales, right? I'm not married. What's the difference between... Miss is not married. Oh, I'm sorry. I've been doing that. You don't have to apologize for me not being married. I'm perfectly happy. I said what I was apologizing for. Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart. She takes a D10 of psychic damage.

But look, anyway, I say we go figure this stuff out. That's my vote. Okay. Fuck adults. Don't trust anyone over the age of 21. Won't our dads die? Didn't they say that, though? That they're dying? No, I mean, they said they're stuck in a really dangerous place. Yeah, but like... I mean, danger does kind of mean you could die. Yes, okay. So yes, they could die. That's their problem. Gary, what do you think? I... Since you're a leader. I'm not your leader. No, yeah, yeah. I mean, I've said that while I think you are, but that's cool. Yeah, I...

This is a part of me that maybe wants to go save them.

But mostly I want to find out what Code Purple is. So, yeah, who cares what they say or whatever they said? And who cares what I have to say to them? I don't have anything to say to them. So, yeah, I say that we go find Code Purple. I'm sorry I'm laughing because there's this part in Terry's journal where he talks about he has a stepdad who he hates. This guy must be the ultimate doofus for somebody as doofus he is Terry to fucking hate this guy. Yeah.

So three, so three. Okay. All right. So yeah, that's cool. Now you got me thinking. Now you got me thinking. No, let's do this. Let's see what Code Purple is. The new Boost Mobile Network is offering unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month for life. That sounds like a threat. Then how do you think we should say it? Unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month for the rest of your life? I don't know. I don't know.

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As you were basically saying that don't trust anybody over 21, Mae kind of rolled her eyes and went to the computer and started typing. And you can see over her shoulders that she's got her finger on the FBI drug farm on the map, and she's cross-referencing it with what she's looking at on her screen. And she sees there's a little asterisk next to the marking for the drug farm on the map. She looks at the bottom. And on screen, she is panning the Google Maps camera over multicolored fields of flowers. And on the bottom of the map, it says...

Green equals think you're dead. Purple equals levitation. Yellow, nausea. Blue, paranoid. White, honest. And then the parentheses dyed blue to avoid cocaine similarity. And then pink makes you forget last five minutes. And she goes, okay. So I guess that's what you probably took, Link, the honesty stuff. I guess this is the farm where they make it. Oh, there's a thing in the journal about this that they visited. Those drugs are from this other realm and they brought them here.

Wait, how is that even possible? And then normal flips through to the end of the book. There's this part where they blew up a house. You know, they put the bomb in the end. Remember that? And it seemed like that was like a sort of... Wait a minute, you're right. Yeah. I mean, first of all, it doesn't even seem like he should have been able to do that because normally it takes a long time to be able to catch that smell. But what if that's the house? And it's radioactive. And what makes radioactive? Imagine dragons. Dragons. And the dragons were in

this thing too because there were dragons in this realm which means that it's probably radioactive. Holy shit it all is coming together. May takes a big cardboard box that's got all the pieces of the code purple thing that you've been told you needed. She takes out the amplifier. She takes out the realm dial and attaches it there and you can see that again Earth and fantasy world are crossed out. She takes

The empty syringe that she noticed that you had, Taylor. And she takes out the ring of swapping that your dad gave back to you, Taylor. And she says, so yeah, all this stuff, the swapping, the amplifier, it feels like I've been doing more studies on the amplifier. And it feels like depending on what you set it to from zero to 11, you can have it influence just one person or like every person in a

in a realm, I guess. Wow. So are we like not in our, well, I guess this is our world. This is where I was born, but like, well, all this stuff is from that world, but like, you're saying like, we're like planet of the apes. Like the house is from, it's all like, and they have horses in that world. There's horses in our world. There's just like all this stuff.

There's a lot of stuff. Oh my God, you're right. We do have horses here and there. There's a lot of stuff in that journal, like stuff that like they went to a different world, but now it's here. So like, did they go and bring it back here? And then why do they do that? Some of this stuff is weird to bring, like a nuclear irradiated house. Yeah, like my dad wouldn't bring plants. Like he knows the agricultural rules. You can't just like bring plants over the border. Yeah, he's driven off the coast.

California for you? No, that doesn't have a cultural check. But then again, you lied about everything else. Maybe he doesn't follow those rules either. I'm going to do an arcana to just start kind of clonking the different gizmos together to see if I can put them together into some sort of contraption that makes sense. Is the amplifier thing on? No, it's turned off right now. You can decide when to turn it on. I got one. What amplifier? You knock it off the table and it seems to break. As you were talking about

wait a second that stuff is in the other world why would they bring that over and as scary said planet of the ape scenario the color drains from her face and she sits down and she goes i i i think you i think you're on to something there like the pieces that you've got for this machine i think i understand how it works and i think i understand what your what your parents did

And I can't explain it for you again, but maybe I can help you get there. The syringe that takes memories from people, there's the ring of swapping, there's the dial that allows you to determine different...

So you like swap a whole realm or maybe they just swap Sam. Have any of you been off San Dimas before? I mean, I went to Ecuador and my dad. Oh, yeah. So my mom takes me to Hawaii every year. OK, OK. I don't know. No, no, no. Mrs. Hales, Miss Hales, Mrs. Mrs. Hales is trying to help us. Call me. May is trying to help us out here. So, OK, I write everything on the book. We got to figure this out. OK, so Sylvia style. So I write on the board. I'm like, OK, amplifier.

plus syringe, plus ring of swapping, plus what was the fourth thing? The dial that allows you to choose different realms. Equals question mark, question mark, question mark. But you could swap, like if you amplified the swing of swapping to be like not just a person, but like a whole thing, then you could like swap.

Like a realm or like a city or like something. Or like everyone in a realm and their buildings and their culture and their... In theory, like if you put the ring in the amplifier and you turn this dial, like you'd be swapping from... Maybe our dads just did like, you know, we got to clean up your room and like when you're a good kid, you do it. But sometimes you just want to do something else like play FIFA and you sweep underneath the carpet or something. Like maybe they just sweeped.

Like they just sweep their mess to another realm. They're just like, all right, we'll move it. And then try to fix it later. Other us is in other realms or like just us. We're from another realm. And that's why the sky is like, you know, they always say the world was different before, but maybe it wasn't different. Maybe it was just a different world. That really explains the ELO song. Mr. Blue sky.

As you point out, the sky may go, oh, no, no, no, no, no. And she goes to her computer and she pulls up a diagram. She says a long time ago when I was talking to you about different incursion points, I said there was one like above us and that didn't make any sense. And I didn't understand. I think I understand it now. I think what you're saying is right. Your parents had talked about Code Purple as a way to avoid the doodler or keep it at bay or something like that. What if your parents unleashed it in their home realm? They couldn't stop it.

And then they used this machine to make sure that they could go to a realm where the doodler wasn't there. This isn't reality. I don't think you grew up in the same realm as,

that your parents grew up. I'm looking at this map again, SoFi Stadium. It says they don't allow moles. Why wouldn't they allow moles? But there's something in this journal that says when your grandparents were there, they turned into moles and made an entire football game completely pointless. The Grand Canyon with the tower at its very bottom, that sounds like where- Oh my God! The drug farm, that's the drug farm you found. The Sonic, the Sonic, I was looking through the fucking satellite imagery. There was an octagonal cage in the Sonic that held a bunch of arcade machines. Oh my God!

The F.A.I. headquarters is an inverted panopticon like that prison where Glenn was for way too much of that story. Yeah, that's right. There's way too many coincidences in our world from what's being described here in this journal. But that means your parents...

The ring of swapping. How does the ring of swapping work? One of you has it, right? Yeah, watch here. Look, I pick it up and I go, you. I just swap places with May. And she goes, oh. And so both of you swapped places. And now you have the ring. Cool, huh? Oh, yeah, I guess I do. You try it. Just be like, normal. Swap. And she swaps back with you. So you're saying we're in the Forgotten Realms. That's what you're saying. This place that they talked about. Or a different world. Or a different place. I think this is some strange hybrid alt-reality thing.

That isn't either of the places. No, I think it's the Forgotten Realms. Oh, are you sure? Because I'm definitely thinking it's them. They brought our world to this one. Wait, so like, our dad's killed all the people. Like, so all the people, the nice people in the Forgotten Realms are like, do the rise right now? Tears begin to stream down Mayhell's face and she points at you, Link, as you say that and she begins to nod because the way that the ring of swapping works, if you did it writ large, is that every person who goes to the new place has to swap with another person back to where they came from. Like that nice Walter boy? Huh?

All of them, potentially. So they're all in doodler? They're all in the realm that your parents came from, which has the doodler in it. Selfish. The thing I was sort of freaking out about, the incursion in the sky. This journal keeps referencing the blue sky, and all of our historical documents keep mentioning the blue sky, and I didn't understand it.

Isn't it kind of weird? She says, pointing out the window at the black sun surrounded by red and all those like weird sort of dagger marks in the sky that seem like they're pointing towards the black hole. Yeah. Once again, nothing weird about that. Yeah. No. Yeah. This seems normal to me. But reading what they have in their journal and all their historical documents and stuff, it just feels not right. It feels like completely different. Like we know there's an incursion up in the sky.

And we know that the sky is not supposed to look like this. And we know that when it turns to night, everything goes dark really suddenly. Like this big blanket of black just over the entire sky. Yeah, it's a light switch just for the sky. Yeah, that's how the sky works. Yeah, it turns off. Yeah. Wait, mate, you're telling me that the oldie song Black Hole Sun is not a literal song? That is a metaphor? And then the sun is not a black hole sun? Wait, what? This doesn't make any sense. I guess...

They were trying to kill, but maybe they felt bad. So that's why they're trying to go kill the doodler. But this is a band-aid because isn't the doodler still out there? It was in me. Well, not in me, but like next to me. We know it can break through different realms. All the incursions, it's still managing to poke holes in our realm and come through in certain ways. Seems like a real short-term solution. Why is he so obsessed with us? I don't know.

I don't know. But it clearly seems to want into at least this realm. So we think an incursion in the sky like the Dueler is going to come out of the sky? Yeah, because whatever's going on clearly is getting worse, right? Yeah. And they were about to do something. And so I guess Code Purple is just you switch. I bet those people in Faerun or whatever, they're probably like trying to get out. Wait, what does the dial say? I look at the dial just to remember the world. Yeah, so the dial say Forgotten Realms and

Earth, which are both crossed out. Then it says Infernal, which is not crossed out. By hell. Goofs.

and ethereal oh um can someone look up those words and tell me what those mean oh how about we just like open the door but don't go in and just like kind of like i don't know because maybe our dad's like right there it's like we could open it just like scream like hey uh is anybody there may says yeah sure you can do that also the big wall face gave me another uh 15 daddy warbucks for handling the duplicating thing so you've got those you got 30 now wait a second we're one key away from the door

The other door, aren't we? Oh my God, the obsidian door. I forgot about that. There's also the obsidian door. Let's go open the obsidian door. It's almost like there's way too many question marks in this and not enough answers. No, let's open the obsidian door. It's almost like a season one J.J. Abrams fucking show. No, no, let's open the obsidian door. Why would anyone open the obsidian door? They told us not to, remember? Wait, did they? That was one of the things in the video left to you by Lark and Ron was don't open the obsidian door. Yeah, but like, don't we listen to them? Like, whatever. They lied to us. They told us, like, if anything, if they told us not to do it, we should do it. We should do it. Obviously. Yeah. Okay.

Okay, let's do it. What were you guys? I was hearing the chat like, our dads suck. I don't know if I feel that way, but suck. Our dads suck. Oh man, I'm sorry. My one dad sucks. My one dad sucks. I love you, Marco. Your dads suck. Your dads suck. Let's open the obsidian door. May does her best to tear her eyes away from the black sun in the sky.

And she's shaking her head to herself because she's not sure if she's right with her theory or not. She heads downstairs with you to the big vending machine. You buy the final jeweled key, which I probably still have in this duffel bag. Ooh. Look, all I know is whatever is coming for us, we want to be as powerful as possible. If that means getting scary up to level eight, I say let's go for it. Yeah, we've barely like...

We've not done great on people who have been doodlerized. Clearly things are getting worse. I don't think a vending machine is going to stop the doodler is my point. So like...

I'm not feeling... There's a lot of stuff in that double bag based on what that sounds like. I think I lost it. So you spend 10 Daddy Warbucks on the fourth and final jeweled key, and now you have 20 Daddy Warbucks left. Let's spend it all. Let's spend it all on cool items. All right. You want gold keys and stuff? Yes. Our gold key is how many? It's five, right? They're five each. Four gold items. Please get one. Yeah.

Good team. All right. This is a team building exercise. Cool. Which won't last long because at some point I'm ditching all of you. What? Well, you know, you heard them. The FBI is after me. I got it. We're all in this together, man. We'll be with you. We're in like this magic world now. Yeah. You can't go back to Earth if you've even been to Earth. We're a team. We're all together.

Taylor walks off a few steps and stares off like kind of very dramatically and then over his shoulder monologues. I knew this was always my destiny, not to save one world, but two. You buy a bunch of cool gold keys that send you down into Wrighton's dungeon and you find four items behind four locked doors with golden locks on them. Anthony is going around now and proffering cards to every one of us. What do you guys? Wow. Okay. What'd you get, Link? This is pretty cool. Yeah.

I feel like it's... You don't sound super psyched. It's just, you know, I'm not the smartest kid in the shed, so, like, it's just, you gotta figure out... The smartest kid in the shed. I love that. Probably figure out something to do with this at some point. It's the Wordonomicon, a dictionary with three magical spaces, which the dads, well, I guess us, which you can use to create words that will instantly be assimilated into common tongue as if they existed. Joe.

NPCs will all understand that word. But it shows already in the dictionary. Put Ligma in there. What's Ligma? You fell for my trap. So that item seems particularly old. And you can actually go ahead and read it. It's by Simon Young. Is Simon Young a wizard or somebody? Thank you, Simon Young. That was a season one item that you actually had but never used. So it never showed up in the edits. Guys, check it out. I got this. And I fly by on a single jet boot.

Whoa! Boots that grant the wearer the power of flight. Unfortunately, there is one boot, so it might be a little unstable. This is by Ryan Peterson. Thank you, Ryan. This is another legacy item. So as you fly by, I'm looking at a dictionary with three empty spaces. You fly around your jet boot. And then you go, that's so wiggity-whack. And then the book says, consider it done. Everyone uses wiggity-whack to describe how cool a single jet boot is. Oh, man, normally

use one of my spaces you got boots that you use on my spaces and we got two more spaces wickety whack oh shit that's a cool word

Taylor draws a sword. It's the embarrassing sword. This sword gains power from an embarrassing secret whispered into its handle. The more embarrassing, the stronger the sword becomes. On a successful strike, the sword will expose your secret to anyone within a 20-foot radius. Or I guess if we're playing it as our secrets as characters, expose everyone who's listening to the podcast to your secret by Zach Sapilla. That's really good. It's a really, really good one. That's fun. That's great.

What'd you get, Scary? Okay, I got the root of all evil, which sounds pretty metal. That's pretty metal. A hardened root that does 4d4 damage. Whoa! If you get the kill shot with it, the enemy explodes into a number of US dollar bills equal to 50 times their HP. What? Or a number of Daddy Warbucks equal to 20 times their HP. Oh.

And it doesn't say who it's from. I think because I made that one up. And Anthony made that one up. Thank you, Anthony Birch. Okay, well, I don't know if I feel stronger, but like...

Let's open it. I do feel more prepared. Let's just stick with it. Otherwise, I'm going to overthink it. Like, let's just open it up, right? And just shout into it and see what's up. We're all in this together, right? Let's all put our hands on the key at once. It's like, it's all of our fault. As you're heading down the stairs toward the obsidian door, Mayhales looks over the side of the spiraling staircase and says like, oh, Rytan's dungeon. I see. And on the bottom, you can see a sign saying Rytan. R-Y-T-O-N. Well, no.

No, hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Let me see if I can solve this before you do. R-I-T-O-N. R-Y-T-O-N. It's a town in England. I described it when you very first got into Brighton's Dungeon as sort of an upside down pyramid that at the very bottom of this, there's a sign, a broken sign that says R-Y-T-O-N. R-Y-T-O-N? Fry's Electronics! Something about the whole process of Code Purple caused this to come into this world inverted and upside down. And this dungeon has been apparently some sort of

electronics store pyramid, I guess. But what does writing mean? I don't get it. It's a sign. Fry's Electronics and some of the letters fell off. I see, I see. Wait! Norm, look closely! There's huge spaces in between the letters! In weird, non-logo-y ways! That would have been a good detail for me to have noticed earlier. Alright.

All right, guys, we're all here. Let's just, you know, as a team, I feel like we're all together now. Let's just put the key in, you know, kind of like when only one person's got the bullet when they kill somebody so that nobody knows who fault it is. I don't know. Let's just all do it together so that nobody blames anybody. I have one suggestion first. Okay. Which is our dads did say, you know, just stay away from the store. So there could be something really bad on the other side. I don't know. I'm just...

contingency plan. We've got this sword, but if we all say something really embarrassing into it, maybe we can all really supercharge this sword. And then we've got at least one really good shot on whatever's on the other side of the door, but turns out to be something bad. Oh, um, okay. Yeah. I don't know. Like I'm just saying like, you know, supercharge the sword. Yeah. So, you know, for me, um,

Well, you got whisper in the sword. Don't tell us. Oh, okay. It doesn't tell us unless it like messes up or something. You whisper the secret to the sword. When the sword hits, everybody hears it. Okay. Like instead of a clang, they hear like, I masturbate with both hands or like whatever. That's just fucking flex dog. That's just preference. That's just like a baseball bat, dude. Like you're choking up on that fucking thing.

Well, not even that. Like, imagine just putting one hand around the other. Like, you're not even getting anything. It's just the same amount of surface area being covered by your hand. To me, it's weird pervert shit. But maybe not. Maybe it allows you, you know, to have more control. You're thinking that's embarrassing is embarrassing. You're thinking that.

I should have said I pull my pants down all the way when you go pee or whatever the hell. Like, something like that. Well, now I feel attacked. So let's just, we all whisper, then I guess we all have to hang on to it unless we use the sword. Yeah, as it vibrates with the power of your teenage secrets. Yes, I secretly and tearfully whisper Normal's most embarrassing secret into the sword. All right. Taylor leans in, kind of looks around conspiratorially, turns away from the group, whispers his secret into the sword, and then...

Turns around again, like, "Alright, I've done it." Alright, and then Scary whispers her secret. Link leans in to whisper. Well, who's gonna hold this sword? It's like vibrating with power. I will handle it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it. We can all hold it.

Damn it, really? Nice. Do we feel that feeling too? Sure don't. There's just something about scary. You level up once again. Nice. She's eight? She's eight. You open the door and it takes a second for your eyes to adjust because what you initially seem to be looking at

another door. But not a normal door that you might find in a house. Like the door to like a car. It's a white passenger side van door. And through the window you can see...

room with no entrance or exit a room with the single most handsome man you've ever seen inside and he's got a beard too he's got a beard it's got a little sun pepper and he's leaning on the lip of this van door with a smile and as you open the door he smiles even bigger his eyes twinkle a little bit he is crushingly attractive

And he crawls out. The van door's already open? He's crawling out through the window of the van door. Oh, okay. He climbs through and he goes...

Thanks so much. I thought I was going to be in there forever. Stab him! Stab him! Stab him! We read the story, right? You read the story. Oh, we did. Oh, we did. You're right. Oh, stab him! Close the obsidian door. Wait! You said our dads lie about everything. Like, what if this is what they're lying about, too? Uh, I mean... You know how they betrayed Nick. What if the whole story is just, like, them actually hurting the good guys? His elbow's on the door and he's sitting on his hand and he points at you and just goes...

As if, like, that girl's got a point. But he's sitting there waiting patiently for you to decide. I'm going to detect evil. You definitely detect something is awry with this man. Like, detect good and evil. I feel like you're definitely getting a sense of intense selfishness from him. Yeah, I mean, I hear he's scared, but I don't think... I mean, this guy was the worst. Like, look at him. Sir, hello. Um, we... Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. And lady, I'm sorry. It seems like I'm looking at you. I can see...

I can see some similarities. Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it? It's been a really long time since I saw you. You're looking for your dads. Your dads are missing, I'm assuming? Well, we're not looking for them. I mean, they're like missing, but basically they lied to us about a bunch of shit. Okay, well, if I may. Everything you're saying about me is totally, totally right, he says. And he sort of casually hoists himself for the door and just sits on the other side and just leans up against the car door. And he goes, I was a really bad guy. I was a very, very bad, selfish guy. I've had a lot of time to think about things.

Everything that your parents said about me could be true, could be not. It's sort of up to you to decide. But when I'm looking at you, I see a bunch of kids who kind of really need, well, my name is Willie Stampler. And he puts a hand on Scary's shoulder and he says, well, you all can call me Daddy.

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Plus get 15% off and free shipping on your first set of sheets at BowlinBranch.com with code BUTTERY. Exclusions apply. See site for details. Could you give us one second, sir? Let's close the door. Close the door while we deliberate. Just give us one second. We're just going to close this real quick. I'm just going to go ahead and slink. I really have to insist, and I'm going to stand between him and the outside. We just needed to confer on this side, you know, kind of a trust but verify thing. You know, so just if you want to give us a second, that would be great. Okay.

He says, sure. The door's going to stay open, but I'm more than happy for you to take as much time as you need. I would really feel more comfortable if the door was closed and you were back on the other side of it. Okay, strength check. I'm going to move in and try to force the door closed, and then I guess it's up to you, Beth, if you want Scary to stay on the other side of the door, but Link is freaked out. Link is like, I want to move quick. I'm saying, let's close the door. We came here to open the door, and then you guys are just closing it

Yeah, we got the key. I mean, we can open it again. I just feel like we should kind of talk about it. I know that you're like having like, I agree. I want you to be your own person, Scary. But like, this is like the guy that was the bad guy. Like you saw what he did to your stepdad, stepdad. Fuck, like he's that guy. But he said we can make our own choices. Yeah, we could make smart choices and bad choices, right? So this could be a really bad choice. So I just think we should talk about it first. Okay, let's talk about it. Taylor and Link, why don't you roll strength to see if you can close this door?

Two plus one, three. I'll try. Natural 20. Natural 20. Nice. Natural 20. And then my strength check is plus one. Wow. Okay. Thanks for the help, Link. I got it on my own, but I think you gave me a little extra on that one. I got a six, so I was pretending to...

closed. You did come out. Yeah. Scary. Okay. So you slam the door shut. And because you did it with a 20, I'll say that you see what happens, which is that the action he was readying upon you opening the door, misty step fires off. And you can see that a silvery mist surrounds him and he teleports up to 30 feet to an unoccupied space that he can see, which is just basically on the opposite side of the upside down fries, like Toronto staircase. So he's just

a little bit above you on the opposite side of the room and he's just leaning on the banister yeah he misty stepped out as you close the door he could still see stuff misty step is such a cool phrase actually yeah so he's just sitting there with his elbows on the banister and his chin resting on his hands on the banister he goes talk away talk as much as you want to i understand i was a pretty pretty cruel guy to your parents step parent fair enough but i've been in there

For what feels like hundreds of years, time passes differently in there. So I had a lot of time to think about what I did. I don't feel great about it.

It's something I want to fix. I can't really fix it. Time's clearly gone by. They've got grandkids now. This is my first time meeting, I guess. You're not really, I mean, step-grandkid? That's nice. That's kind of, that's something. If you're a good person, you get back in there. I don't think that's how that works. No, it is! That is! That's it! No, you were dangerous! If I was in prison for a reason and, like, the guard accidentally left the door open, oh, that's a moral test. It's like, oh, am I going to do it? Am I not going to do it? If you were dangerous, you would have heard us

by now. Thank you. No, that's definitely I mean, we're not even at a second location. We're not anywhere. He'll do. He's right up there. He'll do anything like we just met him. Let me lay it out for you.

you're going to try to go rescue your dads. Right now, it looks like with the exception of the one person who I've been helping out. What do you mean helping out? What are you talking about? On my side of that portal, I could sense a kinship with someone. I felt a kindred spirit in this world. Kind of like family, but not like shit. Like family kind of sucks. Like, let's be real. Family kind of blows. Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're

right. You're right. It's just like, it's, it's, it's a bunch of stuff you have to do because of obligation and you don't get to like, like friends are bad. Cause friends are what to do. They tell you what to do. It's like all that shit. So like, no, what I felt was something more, somebody who like was desperate to sort of strike out on their own, who didn't like being told what to do and who didn't believe the bullshit that other people were telling him. And yeah, so yes, you're, you're welcome. By the way, he says, pointing at scary, like,

all the spells, all the abilities that you have. Some of that was for me. And frankly, I'm really, I'm really excited. I'm proud of it. Whoa, pride. This is the first time I know I'd like to feel pride of something. That's kind of wild. Well, that's wild. So yeah, no, you're great. You've been doing great. I think you're awesome. But anyway, what I'm saying is other than scary, it looks like you guys are going to need a lot of help to like go into this doodler, you know, infested little world and find your parents or whatever the fuck's going on. And so I can be that help or, you know,

I'll just run and you'll never see me again. Whatever. Like, that's an option you have. He's already been helping me. Yeah. So. Way more than Terry can say. Oh, well, I don't think that's. I mean, we just saw Terry help you. You're like, maybe he didn't. But he doesn't mean he did all the bad things. So, like, he said he did all the bad things. But now he's saying he feels better about it. You've never made a mistake.

Mistake? You've never said something? I mean, I never tried to murder my kid. I'll put that out there. Yeah, there's a range of mistakes. That was a dark point for me, yeah. It sounds like it was a dark point for the kid you tried to murder, dude. Yeah, but he came through. He ended up being a really good guy.

So, so I don't know. I don't know what point I'm making there, but I am genuinely like, I'm sorry about that. We freed you or no, we didn't. You escaped. We didn't free you. You just broke the rules. Explain to me how you feel better. Like you say you've regret. Okay, explain. What have you learned in all your time in there? When I get time out, it's like then I say, hey, this is what I learned. So like you tell me what you learned. Sure. So what I realized was.

I've got some mental stuff going on. I've got some narcissism. Like, I recognize that now. Like, I spent a long time being like, no, I don't like that's a thing assholes have. And I was like, oh, OK, well, if my weird son managed to still like nut up enough to actually put me in here, then I must actually done something pretty fucked up. So, yeah, I'm a bit of a narcissist. I'm a bad guy. I kind of have a heart. I have a hard time empathizing with people, maybe a little maybe a little sociopathic, maybe a little psychopathic. I don't know. I don't know.

But the point is... It sounds pretty metal to me. Thank you. I mean, it's bad, but like, you know, you do what you can. You play the cards you're dealt. And a lot of my cards were just kind of not the nicest things in the world. What I learned was I really wanted to be somebody who could live forever doing whatever the hell they wanted.

And that by that's not the lesson. The lesson is that I in attempting to do that, put a lot of people in situations where and again, it took me a really long time to figure this out. But if I were in their shoes, it would have felt like somebody was not allowing them to. Does that make sense? Like if you're imagining yourself as somebody else, like you would feel bad like that whole thing. Yeah. Like I think abstractly like that's probably a bad thing.

So I did that, I guess, arguably, one would say. But yeah, no, that's bad. So I learned I was mean to people. You try to control things. Yeah, exactly. I tried to control stuff too much, even though I didn't want to be controlled. So that's like a little, I don't know, oxymoron? A little ironic? That sounds like a good thing.

You learn a lot, buddy. So like, okay. So you learn to empathize with people and to kind of, you know, not control things so much. So how about you empathize with four or three kids that are scared that they made a mistake about a strange man and give us the control and get back. If you actually learn something, you just get back in there so that we can talk about it because we're scared. And you should empathize with the fear that four kids that didn't know what's going on, release a man that tried to kill their own dads.

And, you know, just lose control for a second. You don't have faith in us that we'll let you out if we realize that it's a good thing. Well, I'm actually giving you the control. I'm allowing you to determine what happens here. No, okay, you didn't learn anything, guys. Like, this guy sucks. I don't want to go back into that. I don't know if you know what it's like to be stuck in a room with nothing, but... No, I've never tried to kill anybody before. That can't be true. No, I mean... I think that's actually, if we review the game tape, I think that might not be true anymore. Yeah, I regret everything.

day and I tried to go to prison. I tried to go to prison. They wouldn't put me in there. So you guys, you are I'm going to go ahead and say Grant's kid. Yeah. You did a lot of fucked up stuff to track. So he goes, OK, so you're Grant's. Obviously, this one's Lark or Sparrow. You're a Lark or Sparrow is your dad. Yeah. Yeah. Sparrow's my dad. This way. I don't know who my dad is. OK, so Nick. Yeah. OK. Wait, I do know who my dad

Where's Miss Hale? Miss Hale's just standing there next to you, just like looking at this guy confusedly. Oh, she came down with us? She came down with you. Yeah, she's next to you. And she's just looking at this guy, like not quite sure what to do. And her hand is moving towards a service revolver on her ankle. And he's like, go ahead, take it out. Point at me. It doesn't matter. Like, go ahead. Okay. Just so what do you, what do you want? You want to come with us to go into the other realm with the guys that you killed or tried to kill and what? Apologize to them? What's your end game here? Uh, yeah, I think that sounds pretty good. Well,

Yes, I want to go. It sounds it seems like your parents are in danger. It seems like part of that is that I put them in a bit of danger like that. I'm sort of my bad. So I think you can either go in alone, you know? Yeah. OK. Or all right. That's fine.

Cool. It's your choice. I'm allowing you that choice, that power. No, that's not a choice you have to give us. That's my choice, period. I can stop you anytime I wanted to. You're aware of that. Link, you're being a total hypocrite, man. You've never made a mistake and said something that you didn't mean, and then you didn't get a chance to make it right. There's a difference between a chance. No, this guy, if you trust him, well, then, oh, no, you're stupid. Whoa! I think you're stupid. I think you're trying to tell me what to do. No, you can do whatever you want.

I just don't want, I just don't trust this guy. So really, if you want to come with us, then come with us. He's not coming with me. He's a bad, he's going to kill my dad. He's going to kill your dad. He's a horrible person. Well, I don't mean to split the group or anything, but you don't all have to go. That's right. Well, I don't know what you guys are going to do when you guys are level three out there. Yeah. Yeah.

Has there ever been a TV campaign where the character lords their level over everyone else? I mean, this is pretty good. Willy looks at you, scary, and he goes like, yeah, I mean, honestly, it's up to you. I think you're running this show. I don't feel like you need them, but if you feel like... Didn't you just say I was the leader?

Yeah. Yeah. Scary. And as somebody who thinks you're worth following and somebody who cares about you, I just, I'm sorry I called you stupid, but I don't think you should trust this guy. And I think there's three friends that are trying to tell you otherwise. I think he was locked up for a reason. Even though I'm mad at my dad, he was a good person. And I think, you know, Terry was a good person. And this guy seems like he did a lot of bad stuff and he admitted to doing it. So, you know, can I say something? Yeah. Look, I don't know. I don't know who this guy is. I know everything I just thought I knew about my dad is a lie. And it was different than I thought. I,

I don't know what's right. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know whether to trust this guy. I don't know whether to trust my parents. All I know is that you guys are the only friends I have and my best friend, Carlos, who I'm a pen pal with, but like that's kind of waning lately. So you guys are like, you guys are my best friends. I don't know what is a mistake or what's not a mistake, but I know if we make a mistake, we got a better chance of fixing it if we do it together. So I just don't want to see a split up over this. Okay. So as far as I'm concerned, I,

Scary, he's your step. I mean, he's not related to any of us, but he's the closest related to you. And we said you're the team leader right now. So if you trust him, I'll back your play. But the consequences, just know that the consequences are on this decision one way or the other. All I know is if we split up now, we're screwed. Everything's screwed if we try to take this up on our own. You know this person clearly better than the rest of us. You have some sort of connection here. I say I trust you.

You want to know, like, what I'm feeling, like, inside? It's like, yeah, I have, like, regrets and stuff. And maybe I'm not always as tough as I try to be or seem. But...

Ever since this dude's been helping me, I don't know, I've just felt really great. Like there's a force inside me that can't be controlled and that I have the potential to be something greater than I am. And I wish I could share that feeling with you. I wish I could make you a part of it too. But the only way I know how is for us all to trust him. Taylor narrows his eyes.

I don't like this. I don't like this scenario one bit. New stranger coming in the group. He's got a smarmy fucking ugly ass face. Don't like that face. He scowls at you a little bit, like very handsomely, like, okay. You say you have, you're feeling great and everything. And look, we all saw the thing with your dad. And, you know, again, I'm just feeling scared. And this guy's really dangerous. But, you know, this has all been dangerous. What were you going to say? You were upset when he left. I mean, we saw it. You wanted to say something to him. Like what?

What was that? Did that make you feel good? Do you want that feeling? And what do you think he would say in this moment? I don't care what he would say. Scary. It's okay. It's okay. I know you care.

a little bit. That's something where you and I differ. You have that, you know, capacity to care. And I think it's like a superpower for you. I think that's super cool. But shall I tell you what they're going through right now? Because you all should probably know. I initially got a lot of my powers from the same thing that's currently ruining both of these worlds, the Doodler. I can tell you that there's a good chance that where your pair

parents are right now where your dads are the doodler is exerting its psychic influence over them whether it wants to or not and they're slowly losing what makes them them and as the days go by they're gonna forget

little details about themselves and they're going to not remember anything other than how much they love being around the doodler and they're going to sort of get lost in their own minds. And you all are definitely going to have to go rescue them because if anybody's going to help them get back to who they were, it's going to be you, the people they love most in the world. So I think it would be great if you all came along. That'd be really helpful. That'd be really nice. But on the way, there's going to be a lot of really ugly stuff and a lot of really dangerous monsters and a lot of things that would turn you inside out, which is with a blink.

And so if you wanted me to be around as sort of a heavy hitter on your side, I'm more than willing to do that. But hey, if you think you can handle it on your own, I remember being a teen and feeling invulnerable and all that kind of stuff. I know Scary can handle herself. The rest of you. Yeah.

This might be the only way we can save your dad, dude. Like, I know you don't trust him. I don't really trust him either. But I know that if he does turn out to be a bad guy, we got a better chance standing up to him together. You know, if we leave right now, who the hell knows what he's going to do? If we just go in there by himself, he'll be running around this place on his own. At least that's the way we can keep an eye on him, man. Mr. Stanford, what is it that you want to do? You want to go through the door or you want to use Code Purple? Code Purple is a...

stall. Look, I hate to break it to you. A long time ago, about 50 something years ago for me, I figured out a way to sort of eavesdrop in this world, like audio wise. So I've heard what your dads were talking about the code purple. Oh, the, um, the itchy, the hand, the scratch. What happens when you, when your arm itches? So Terry's fear was that you cut the arm off. They're scared of fighting the doodler.

In earnest, because they're worried that with a mere snap of its fingers, he could kill you like nothing, like it would stomp you like a bunch of ants. They're scared that if you fought him in any realm, that he would just destroy that entire realm just to be done with a problem. What happens when you get an itch on your arm? You cut the arm off. That's what they're scared of. So instead, they did this cowardly little.

Code Purple thing and every single person that I knew in this Forgotten Realms is now in Earth where I come from initially, where your parents came from. And they're probably also getting tortured to shit. And they were doing their best. I get it. They were trying really hard to protect everybody and keep you all safe. But frankly, they're a bunch of idiots, a bunch of big babies. And it's going to take more than that to handle the doodler and everything.

Not to toot my own horn, but like I was one of the first people who sort of, you know, was interacting with the doodler in any way. Sort of one of his acolytes, but not really kind of, I don't know, you know, had a complicated relationship with him. So I feel like I go to where he is and I can maybe end this, maybe kill him and take his power in such a way that I don't have to die again. Like, I just want to not. What do you want to do with the doodler? You're going to kill it? Yeah. I want to check inside on that.

19 plus 2, 21. Yeah, he definitely wants to kill the doodler and fucking suck its power out of it like a fucking energy vampire and potentially have the ability to like at least live forever. If not, you know, also be kind of quasi omnipotent.

this thing we're going up against all of our dads at the height of their power couldn't really stop it and they still can't we need as much power as we can to fight this thing and like again I don't trust him but at least we keep an eye on him if we bring him along yeah I hear that normal but that's like welcome to like the lesson of like every single book in history of all time like okay we'll get more power take the bad guy great so good job we defeat the doodler and then we make this evil dude even worse than he tried look

I'll put it this way. We were about to decide whether or not to save our dads. Who do you trust more? Our dads or the guy who tried to kill literally our dads and is sitting here evil saying he wants to consume everything. Like, do you want to know what your dads did? Who your dads are? Your dads are so loving and care about you so much that

Then when it came time to decide between going to war against an enemy that they knew they probably couldn't win against and condemning 7 billion people to potentially eternal torture at the hands of that thing, they chose the latter because they wanted you to be safe. And as I, Hey, is anybody else here? Dad? Nope. Just me. Okay. Yeah, no, I get that feeling, you know, like they wanted to go out of their way to keep you all safe. And the price for that is that every single person in the forgotten realms is currently getting tortured in who knows what way by the

When he says there's anybody else with dad, though, Link remembers the speed run machine. He remembers those few moments and being like, no, when I held that child, I would destroy a whole world to keep it safe.

I get it. And he sees recognition in your eyes and he points at you and he's like, I feel like Link gets it weirdly. I didn't think we were on the same page. That's a lot I'm dealing with. But yeah, I felt like... So that's who your parents are. I'm not going to say they're bad guys. I'm not going to say they're good guys. I'm going to say everybody makes mistakes and everybody does stuff fucked up when they're trying to raise kids right and trying to live a good life. And what I'm saying is...

I have also made similar difference. Not 7 billion people's worth. Certainly not that your dad's did. That's on them. I guess. So each of you is what's seven divided by four. Each of you has like one and a half billion sort of corpses on your head. I mean, I don't want to, don't focus on that. That's not helpful. If you,

What does that make our dads? The kind of people who made that decision? How many billions of people...

are suffering now because of what they did yeah i agree it's horrible and it seems like they've been spending their life trying to fix it because they made a hard decision of they tried to save everybody and in response they hurt a ton of other people but how come they're okay to be rescued and willie's not they're not okay i'm mad i want to go to my dad and tell him i'm mad willie here is just like i just want to be super powerful he doesn't care about he doesn't give a shit about anybody he gives

shit about me, okay? This Code Purple thing sucks. Our dads suck. And whether this guy's good or evil or whatever, he's right that it's time to finish this thing. And whatever's going on with this doodler, we need to stop it. We need to rise up and meet that challenge. So I say we go through this door and we find the doodler and we show it what Teen High is made of and we kick its gosh darn butt like we whooped Chopper all at Girls Lacrosse Tournament. Here, I'll make it easier for you. Can I come with you or not? Right now.

No. Okay. There's a puff of purple smoke and you don't see him anymore. All right. Well, let's put that one on the to-do list. He's out there. We'll check in on that later. I guess we should go see our dads, right? That was the plan before we opened the door. I'm sorry. It's scary. I don't... Yeah. I'm sorry you left. I don't know. I just...

I just hope you know that I care about you and I'm sure we all care about you and your feelings with him are there. But like, I don't know. I feel like it was different. It wasn't like he cared about me. It was like he lived through me or something. I don't care about people who care about me. That's not what I'm looking for. Okay. The vibes were off. Just throw that out there. I don't know. Okay. That's what I got. I got weird vibes. So were we good? Is everyone good? How's everyone feeling? I feel like, you know, shut up.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Scary. Let's all just shut up. How about that? That's good. So May says, let me just I'll take you down to the door to go find your dad's unless you feel like, you know, swapping everybody in this reality with somebody in another reality right now. I don't think we should just kick this problem further down the hill. That doesn't seem like an answer to me. Yeah. Knowing what cold purple is now, I think we need to go find our dads and do what they couldn't. Yeah.

Well, yeah, we still don't know what they got sent to this other realm for doing. There's got to be something else we can do. And maybe if we work with them, we can figure it out. I mean, they've been fighting this their whole lives. Clearly, they have some experience. We've been fighting it for what? The last week? Yeah, we started this one to save our dads. Let's go. Like, at the very least, they got explaining to do. And like, they can help us. Like, we should go through the door. If only to show them how it's really done. Do you guys want to do hands in the middle? One, two, three teens? Or is that not the time? Is it not the time for that?

No, I'm sorry I told you to shut up, Norm. Sorry I said you were stupid. Thank you. I'm not really sorry for anything. I've been doing pretty good so far. Yeah, I know. As you know, I picked the right scary. Yeah, Taylor was pretty... You were... You just kind of listened. Let's get our dads. All right. Hands in the middle. I'm not going to get a compliment from anyone. Okay, that's fine. Hands in the middle. One, two, three teens. I just go for a hug and I hug Norm. It's fine. It's too late. Oh, okay. As you look at the big door at the bottom of the Fry's Electronics, you can see that there are...

four outlines that perfectly match your bodies that are now glowing purple.

This hole was made for me. Huh? This hole looks like it was made for me. Yep, it indeed was. All right, whatever this on the other side of this thing, we face it together. And then I lean back into my normal hole. I lean back in mine and be like, oh, last little wait. Everyone who's not scary, you feel yourselves level up as you are suffused with the powers of daddy magic. And you feel yourself falling, falling backwards into the door. It feels initially like you're just being sucked into the door. And then it feels like gravity shifts around you and you feel yourself falling.

falling downward, like the door is essentially turning into liquid and you've somehow broken through it and are plummeting downward into a scream, into a cacophony of madness, suffering, confusion, anxiety, and at the heart of it, just a tiny blinking beacon of something that's

that feels almost at odds with everything around it, but not quite. And that's love. You feel a little bit of love hiding within this avalanche, this cacophony, this tsunami of madness and pain that you've fallen into. And you feel yourself falling through this vortex, this black vortex. And just as suddenly as you found yourself falling, you stop. You come to a dead stop. You are standing for the first time on Earth.

And as you look up into the sky, you see nothing. No stars, no sun, no moon. It is completely pitch black, save for one. If you focus your eyes, you can see in the far, far, far distance a little star.

tiny purple portal that seems like as far as Jupiter's from Earth, that's how far away it seems. But you see this little dot of purple. And as you look into that, you feel it in your stomach and you have a brief moment of elation that you're not in that realm anymore, the realm that you came from, the realm that you knew as home. Because when you saw Agent May Hales talking about

The incursion in the sky, and as you saw the blood drain from her face, you come to the realization that she did in that moment, which is that the sun over Sandemons, the sun over your world, is not the sun. It is the result of an incursion. It is a red...

eye with a black pupil that has been forever staring at your world trying to force its way in. God! That every night time was an extended blink of the abomination that has tried to destroy your families and you for generations now. And now, you're on its home turf. And your dads are somewhere waiting for you. And there is nobody else to rely on. Welcome to adulthood.

♪ Our days whisked away ♪ ♪ But is there something more to say ♪ ♪ You know that no one knows us better than ourselves ♪ ♪ You should tell my ♪ ♪ It'll be a lie ♪ ♪ So we sleep at night ♪ ♪ No one knows me better ♪ ♪ Myself is right ♪ ♪ It's just a matter of time till we make ♪ ♪ We gotta pick ourselves up and say ♪ ♪ Not today, no not today ♪ ♪ For tomorrow ♪

We can't change. We gotta pick our Saturday. No, not today. Just start back tomorrow.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashton Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks to Simon Young and Zach Zapilla for items that we used in this episode. Some of our fine patrons who support this show are people with the names of Jared V, David Franklin, Cillian Isaac.

That's their name, I guess.

Directly support this show and get ad-free episodes at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddaddies starting at just five bucks a month. Sons of the Suns Ability, the three-episode miniseries set in the Regency era, is now complete. All three parts available exclusively on our Patreon. You can hear it by becoming a patron at any level. Want another reason to join the Patreon? We do little live listen parties on Discord for every new episode that comes out. We all just gather in a Discord room and chat.

incredibly talented fan artists provide doodles. The cast is in there as well, just straight up dunking on each other. You're probably used to listening to podcasts passively, like while driving or doing chores. Try listening to podcasts actively with us in a Discord. It'll change the way you see podcasts forever. Get your merch at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our website is at dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads. Our subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies. Our next episode is July 26th.

We will see you then. Oh, check out our store. We got stuff on our store. I know this seems like a lot for you all to take in. Yeah, it is. That's what we're saying. And it is. And it is.