S2 Ep. 12 - Scary Movie 2
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. All right, welcome back to Sizzler's Teen Voices Open Mic Night. Yep, yep. Next up we have Terri... Oh, it says Scary? Scary Marlow. Okay, I'm performing an original poem. Let's give it up for Scary, come on!

This is a poem about something that happened to me recently. It's very personal and it's called Imposter Syndrome. There is a darkness inside me blacker than my mascara.

Mean like a dog when a dog is mean. I mean, nobody understands me. Recently, the feeling of being frozen in place while a tourist lives your life goes by your name. Oh, the pain of an entity so odious it makes my disposition disappear behind that of a monster's countenance. But count on this.

I will not be a pod person. I will escape this odd prison of goo and slime, of prickly tentacles plugged into my skin, the pulsing din of a doodler creature taking over my life and wearing my face. As for my friends, may they swallow zit juice, drink their own puke,

To find the truth within. The scary they call their friend is nothing more than an imposter. A fucking imposter! The end. Thank you. Thank you. Next up is Herman the Unworthy performing, not an original here, everybody, he's performing the classic AMC Theater's monologue as made famous by our sweetheart Dame Nicole Kidman. Yay! Yay!

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a D&D podcast about four... Oh, it's a D&D... God, shit. No. You don't get to do that. You don't get to do that. You don't respect our listeners, Will. That's a little shtick, though, is he interrupts you. It's cute. This is a D&D podcast about four teens from our world. Oh, they're four... All right, I'm done. I'm done. And our world's been changed because their grandfathers fucked it up. Just like real life. Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks. Thanks, boomers. Thanks, the greatest generation. My name is Freddie Wong. Well, in this show, we're the generation. We're the greatest generation in this show. Finally. We're the ones who fuck it up. That's true. You're right. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the anime-loving, survivalist ranger teen of the group.

This week's dad. Should we do a little sword sound effect? That's cool. I like that. That could be your thing. Sword sound effects. What if every time I rolled the dice, it was like, shing. That'd be cool. Cool sword sound effects. Sure. No.

Did I tell you one day? I'm on my phone when I said that too. I was about to say that. I was really perfecting the image. I'm trying to level up and I'm just now. Taylor's rad fact for this week. Taylor plays the spy in TF2. He's a spy main. Okay. Is TF2 still around? Still around. The hat economy eventually displaced the NFT attempts in the early 21st century. They went back to hats. They went back to hats. They went back to TF2 hats. They're like, we had it right all along. That's right. Yep. Love it. What's TF2? Nevermind. Okay.

It's like that scene in The Matrix where they're underneath the bridge and he opens the door and it's like, you know that road. You know where it leads. And so once again, Beth stays in the car. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, a schooled-at-home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group. Look, Link's a simple boy, so this is not going to be a complicated fact. I'm going to start the five-week process of his favorite senses. No!

It's so nice to know what I'm doing next week. So this week, I'm just going to do smell. And it's just freshly cut lawn. I guess it's the soccer smell. It's a great soccer field. It's a job well done, honestly, because usually him and his dad do the lawn together. It's family. It's soccer. It's everything he loves. What do you want? He's not a complicated person. He likes soccer and family. All right? Stop looking at me, Will. Sorry, my bad. Was it enough for you, Will?

It's been a long time since I've smelled freshly cut grass, I gotta say. I don't really like it. I'm sorry. It smells like hot dogs to me. I always think of hot dogs when I smell freshly cut. Hey everyone, I'm Matt Mercer. Oh my. I smell hot dogs? I smell hot dogs. Hey everyone, I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Normally Oak, the mixed up mascot who doesn't know who he is anymore. For this week's Normal Fact, I wanted to dig a little deeper on Normal's full name.

A lot of people online are like, oh, is normal Lee like is Lee something like re, like how re means you're from Oakvale and C means from the suburbs outside of Oakvale. So yes, Lee means you are a descendant of someone from Oakvale, which is why normal's full name is normally Lee Oak Swallows Garcia. So wait, is Link from?

like oakville like because marco's last name li is lee okay well one more time it's normally lee oak swallows garcia jennifer jason lee is also from oakvale jennifer she's i like that that's good hi i'm beth may and i play scary marlo she's back i'm oh shit

Oh my God. Have you ever scared somebody so bad that they like got COVID? No, I swallowed spit into my lungs. I gasped too hard. What a way to die. Wow. That's how I want to go.

Fun fact about... Oh, fuck. Oh, no. You buffoon. Leave the room. It's disgusting. Leave the room. Beth needs to give a fact. Get out of here. No, no, I have a straw. Stay away from your microphone. Who gives a shit about your straw? You're like getting closer when you're coughing. He just ran into the kitchen and tripped on a cord and hit his fucking foot. This isn't a live show. You can edit this. He didn't even trip on a cord.

He didn't? What are you doing? I think that we should cut it out. I don't even think it's that funny. Freddy's walking back with a glass and he bought this $40 hiccup straw that he tried to show me last time. And it did not work. It's my favorite thing that's ever happened. Is it an empty hiccup straw? So this straw was invented by a doctor to cure hiccups. So you have to just suck water through it. Wow, here we go. Oh...

Last time he did this, he hiccuped five seconds afterwards. It worked. Hey, I'm Beth May. Hey, Beth. And I play Scary Marlow. How much money would you give to make Freddy cough right now and hiccup for another hour? A goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks or like any of the other people.

that are around her because fun fact about scary this week is that last week she was doodlerized so she's not how she is is that a cheap dad fact teen fact rad fact maybe it's fine we're gonna do the whole hiccup thing so that time that time is already spent

Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. So this week, I'm going to do the first ever recommendation of a piece of media to consume, a Rec Me Daddy of season two. Oh, wow. Rec Me, please. If you're not familiar with what we did in season one, I think twice maybe in three years, I recommended something that I think people should watch. And today, I'm going to recommend...

a movie called EECHA, E-E-C-H-A. Don't Google it yet. What you want to do is you want to go to YouTube and you're going to prepare yourself for the fact that after the first thumbnail, you're going to see a bunch of spoilers. So just like narrow those eyes, just kind of squint and get them all, get them all blurry and then type in E-E-C-H-A into YouTube. It's a $5 rental.

Don't look up anything about it. It was directed by the same guy who directed RRR, which is on Netflix, which you should have already watched. Depending on where you are, it could also be EEGA. Yeah, it could be EEGA. At that point, you'll probably know what the movie's about. But even once you know the premise, it's still a great movie. The first 20 minutes, you're going to be like, this has some bad gender politics. I know. Stick with it. It's fucking great. Stay with us. Stay.

So when we last left the group, you were attempting to figure out who had been doodlerized by a secret sort of the thing-esque doodler creature that could mimic any one of you. And you voted twice incorrectly to identify the doodler creature. And the third time you correctly identified Scary Marlowe. I'm pretty sure it's Matt still. So am I.

Yeah. That's the long game, everybody. So that means. Also, one of, we did it on the third try. It's about the same percentage success rate as probably like a monkey, right? That's like. It's guessing, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's only five people, so. Yeah, and you took you the majority of the guesses, so yeah. I would love like an episode of the podcast that was just us replaced by monkeys. So that means that everyone who's not scary got one level up.

And everyone who is scary got two levels up. I did. So that brings us to level three. For those of you keeping track, what's scary's level now? I'm level seven. Boo. Boo. No, yeah, she's our leader, I thought. Well, she is now. Yeah. Okay, so it's a point of order. She wasn't doodle her eyes. It wasn't like the body.

No, it's not like the thing. Oh, sorry. Like split in half. So just to clarify, it's like scary somewhere? Scary is somewhere. It was communicated to you by Terry Jr. that the way this thing probably works is that it is like the invasion of the body snatchers where you have to have a pod of a person and the pod is like giving the fucking data to the alien that can then like mimic them.

So somewhere, Scary is alive, sentient, and remembers everything that happened to her pod person duplicate. And having the time of her life. So yeah. Playing TF2, probably. Probably playing TF2. She loves it. Probably, yeah. Okay. What do you think is her favorite TF2 character to play, Beth? Beth, what do you think about 2-4? TF2, probably, like...

Tony Hawk. Bucky LASIK, maybe? Fuck, that'd be really good. Okay, so without any further ado, Scary had said that she is not like other girls. She had turned into a gelatinous mass of tentacles and mucus. Ah!

Since you correctly got her out, you can take one action before she takes an action. So any one thing that any one of you would like to do. Oh, let's see what level three got me. Are you playing essentially this version of me? I will determine what it does, but you will say stuff as that thing. It's like the improv game where someone sticks your arms and they're your arms. Oh, I love that. You know what I mean? They're behind you and you're the arms. I mean, I love watching it. I've never done it. Yes, you are Ryan Stiles. You've never done it? It's exhilarating. No.

Don't rush. It's the most intimate I've ever been with another person. That's actually how Matt and I wrote video games. I think I'm going to instinctively draw my katana and make an attack, but I have now, as a ranger, I've chosen my subclass, which is a plane walker.

Or I think it was a Horizon Walker or something like that. It allows me to... Yeah, those two words are really close. Planar Warrior. Planar Warrior. Okay. As a bonus action, choose one creature you see within 30 feet. The next time I hit that creature on this turn with a weapon, all damage dealt by the attack becomes force damage. And the creature takes an extra 1d8 force damage.

What is force damage? I don't know. Anthony, what is force damage? DM is the guy who knows. What's force damage, Dutty? It's just a type of damage like any other that certain creatures are more susceptible to. It's done by the force from Star Wars. So there. It's what Beth said. I channel the force like Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. Yep, that's exactly what this is. And then I make a strike. Okay, go ahead and

- Roll and attack. - Oh, no, no, no. I'm gonna roll my new Dungeons and Daddies branded Odyssey-san dice experience. It may not be out yet. We just got the prototypes. We're doing dice. By the way, check out our store, store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. There's a bunch of new stuff for Father's Day and dice will be there soon. I'm gonna roll my official dice. This is the first time an official roll. This D20 has a Honda Odyssey. Oh my God, I threw it outside of the box. 11. - It was just 11? - Plus three. - I've been rolling 11s nonstop. 11 plus three, 14. - Describe to me why you missed.

I don't know how that could describe that. Okay, so you slice forward. It's not like I'm a performer on a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. He can do anything as long as it makes him sound cooler. He refuses to do anything that makes him sound incompetent. I don't know how to describe missing my weapon. I would never do that, though. I go for the draw, and as I rush forward, I draw, but I don't grip my sword hard enough, so my hand just goes...

And the sword's still in. It's stuck in my scabbard. But everybody else is so used to you doing stuff really quickly. They're like, oh my god, did he do it? Did he cut him into three pieces and then we're going to pause and he's going to fall over and everybody takes a breath? So here's what I do. I immediately return my hand to the sword to make it look like I did that thing where you go and you quickly draw it back in. And then I still hold the pose, but if you look closely, I'm sweating. Roll deception for the monster to still sweat it out. Yeah, everybody roll perception to see if he completely whiffed or not.

I got a three. So scary doodle is like, oh, oh my God. Did he, did he, did he do it? I got 18 plus twos. I got 20. So you know. I look over, I look over at Liam. Like don't you fucking do it.

Yeah, I got a 19, so I don't. Oh, yeah, I just give you like a, hey, man, everybody messes up. I cross my eyes, so I'm looking at both of them at the same time. It's so scary that you don't know how to use your sword. Okay, so as you do that, the scary doodler, convinced that you've just wounded it irreversibly in some way that it will figure out later, like it thinks you did the five-point bomb exploding heart technique or something, raises itself up really tall and vertical, and you see tendrils of the mucus that holds it together kind of like stretching and snapping, kind of like when that head detaches from the body and the thing. And then it goes...

and it dives down into the ground and it hits the ground with its head as hard as it can and it burrows down underneath the pavement because you're outside. And it's there all winter. Aw. You did it. It begins. Taylor, you got it. And then it begins to start moving and you see, not unlike Bugs Bunny, a hump in the ground as it speeds across the school really, really quickly. You boys would know a lot about humping the ground, right? Who told you about that? Laughter

And it starts heading towards the parking lot. Is the parking lot our jurisdiction? I mean, there's probably other teens that can take care of that thing, right? It looked pretty bad. Mr. Sandler, where's your stepdaughter? You must know. I mean, why are you sitting here? That means your daughter's around somewhere. Is your daughter that you like a whole bunch?

Terry says like, of course I'm freaked out. I'm trying not to be freaked out. I've been playing a character this whole time you've seen me. I'm trying to get into character. I'm just trying to think of the calmest person I ever met. This piece of shit guy named Barry Oak who was just very zen, very calm, very cool. That's where I'm trying to be and not freak out about the fact that my stepdaughter is getting taken away. But no. Okay. Fuck it. Let's get out of character. Ha ha ha ha ha. Fuck. Okay. All right. Let's go get her. Okay. Everybody follow me. It's going to find Terry. Or scary. Scary. It's going to find scary. Why? Because

if you wounded it, or at least it thinks it's been wounded, it's going to head back to wherever it's probably taking my daughter. Talk while we run! I am, I'm running. I start running. I tie my laces. I start going after the... My feet go...

And I run in place for a second and then take off like a shot. So now like a JJ Abrams movie, you can give us the exposition as we're running after this. He goes, get in my car. Wait, shit. I don't have a car. I can't touch anything. All right. We're just going to jog. Everybody actually do anything. I got a car. Okay. Step inside. He's not like corporeal. He's not corporeal. Won't he just get left behind when the car takes off? Yeah, he will. No.

I mean, it's fine. He can just follow us. It's fine. He'll follow you eventually. But yeah, he goes, okay, let's get in the car. And he tries to get into the pussy wagon, but then he realized his hand goes through the truck and then his feet go through and goes, God damn it. All right, well just follow, follow that mound of dirt to its destination. And that's where you're going to find Scary. Scary will be in a pod. Just make sure you get her away and then you can kill this thing. Okay. Hey.

thanks i'm gonna be right after you okay and he starts jogging as your car pulls out i jump into the pussy wagon what was scary wearing today did she oh yeah she had like a scrunchie on i'm gonna cast locate object which allows me to detect where an object i guess we're just following the thing though so i don't need to you can also do that no that's cool oh yeah we might get there faster i produce a forked twig which is the component i need for this which is i just take a fork from the cafeteria and break two of the tines off so it's a forked twig now

And then I say, scary scrunchie. As long as it's within 1,000 feet of me, I know the direction it's in and the direction it's going. It's definitely not within 1,000 feet of you. As we get closer, maybe. Because we're following the Bugs Bunny thing right now. No, no, because sometimes Scary wears her hair down. Sometimes it's a scrunchie. But she doesn't always wear a scrunchie. I'm pretty sure she had a scrunchie on today. Normally, I don't pay attention to it. It was kind of decent.

I was like, that seems a little extra, but you know, it's kind of her thing. So, you know, I was like, good for you. All right. As you drive the pussy wagon in and out of traffic, does somebody want to roll animal handling to see how dexterously you're driving? I'm definitely driving animal handling. I'm hanging out the window screaming emergency. Emergency. Does that like nine give us any advantage of like cars moving all the way? No, you just, all anybody hears is a teen screaming as his friend driving a car. This is pussy wagon on the back is zooming in between traffic. So I'm like,

Any opinions that people around you had about teenagers have just been completely verified and validated. I shout, Taylor, turn up the music! And then I sync my phone to the Bluetooth system and play a looping car police siren sound effect. The Bluetooth device cannot be connected while you're moving. Ah!

No! Hit the brakes real quick so I can get into the settings. I slam on the brakes. What happens with a nine? So with a nine, you definitely like sideswipe a car. You take some of the bright yellow paint off the side of the pussy wagon as you hit a poor pedestrian's minivan. Oh, no. That was our car.

It's funny because I was just imagining the pedestrian's minivan. So the guy like parked it and he's across the street and he's like getting a coffee and he comes out and he sees it. He's like, ah, my minivan, but I'm a pedestrian because I'm on foot. Otherwise I would be in the minivan. Right, those are two different words. You're right. You're totally right. Yeah, he's walking to his car. And he hears a kid screaming, emergency, emergency. And he's like, again?

I just love it. We were like, oh, this season's going to be like, we'll have the Nissan Quest. It's going to be a pussy wagon, tragically. But I mean, very teenage. So this season's called Pussy Wagon. This is the Pussy Wagon arc. But Pussy Wagon, the phrase is probably trademarked, so it just has to be Dungeon Dread Daddy's colon pussy. Without the U.

Okay, you find yourself heading in a direction that is beginning to feel a little familiar to you. It's kind of near the mall, towards the mall, towards the place you've hung out a lot. And then as you get to within a thousand feet of it, normal, you get a ping in your brain immediately that says, the scrunchie is at Sonic. The place you have never been, the interior of the Sonic restaurant chain with Sonic the Hedgehog's turgid penis sort of acting as a North Star, lighting your way to your best friend, Scary Marlowe.

There is a shortcut you could potentially take that might get you there quicker than the- Yeah, it's called through the front door with the truck. Have you guys seen Blues Brothers? It's going to try to go north. You know of a shortcut potentially that could take you like to the east. You know, shortcuts for teens now around town. I don't know. I'm just trying to give you an opportunity to make a choice.

To do something reckless to get there quicker. Okay, we can do that. But if you don't want to do that, that's fine. What's the shortcut? What is it? The monster's going as the Bugs Bunnies. We need to go a different direction. What's the shortcut? Is it like a jump? Is it like a... No, it's like a shitty alleyway that people use for their trash. And like half the time you take it, it's fine because people haven't put their trash out. But on trash day, there's a bunch of dumpsters and stuff so that you don't see until you get... You're a goody two-shoes who likes to mow lawn. What day is trash day? Trash day is every other Wednesday. Roll a dice. Was...

Is it this Wednesday or last Wednesday? What's the other? It's a 10, so I don't know. Take the shortcut we got. Get there. It's a 10, so it's a differently Wednesday. So I have rolled to see whether or not today is trash day. Are you going to take that shortcut? Yes, I'm taking the shortcut. Okay. I'm going to act like the passenger in a rally car. Oh, yeah. And fucking speak directions ahead. I pulled up the GPS and I know the turns coming down this alley.

I can see like woods, alleyways are like houses. I can guess like, oh, there's probably going to be some fucking trash cans on the right side here because there's a lot of houses. Whereas the left side, according to the fucking satellite view is a bunch of fences. Like, can I roll to see if I can like, you know, you might rally drive navigate. Yeah, go ahead and roll. Roll. We

We're in a car for a while together. Reception or investigation? There's a factory that makes cool jumps in this alley, and their trash is cool jumps, so there might be some cool jumps sitting in the wall. All right, Taylor, looks like we're riding together again, buddy. High five, just ignoring Normal right behind us. Me and Taylor having this driving moment. Normal takes a D6 of psychic damage from the body going up. Just you and me, buddy. Taylor, we're in this again, man. We're in a car again. We're going to do it. We're going to save our friend.

I got 19. Wow! Yeah! Okay, so the 19 you know- SHUT UP, LEFT TURN! TWO! RIGHT HARD RIGHT TURN! NUMBER TWO LEFT TURN! ROGER! NUMBER FOUR RIGHT TURN! ROGER! Yeah, and watch out for the road! That's not helpful! You gotta give a number based on what the severity of the turn is! The road is like- Normal clear the communication barrier! Clear the communication! Only efficient communication! Normal!

All right, I'm sorry. All right, so with a 19, you do all the things you just said, but also you know before you make the turn that it is trash day. But with a 19, you also know that there is a sick jump that could potentially get you over the entire alley worth of trash. I mean, it's only like two or three restaurants, so it's like three dumpsters. You could potentially jump three dumpsters if you went really fast. It's only like two or three restaurants you're going to jump over. You're going to jump a buka de beppo in two Fridays. Oh, no.

We're going to clip that neon bee on top of the roof of the bed. So, yeah, do you want to take this crazy risky jump down the alley or do you want to take the normal path and show up a little bit behind the monster? This is just like that poem. Okay, it wasn't that funny. It was very funny. I'm taking the jump. I'm taking the jump, obviously. Hey, Taylor, give me a J. Give me a U. Give me an M.

Give me a P. Jump. Gun roll, Anaheim. Damn, dude. I afraid Iced you out. We'll see how you react to it when you land. Norma was drenched in sweat from how hard he's bombing in the backseat. 14. All right. So with a 14, you jump the Buga de Beppo in the first Fridays. It's just the restaurants now. It's not the dumpsters anymore. I've decided it's the restaurants.

They have little pop-up restaurants in this one alley on trash day. They go, hey, do you want some like Buga de Beppo from like a food tent? From this dumpster? Buga de Beppo's not sandwiched between two Fridays. No, no. It's Buga de Beppo and then two Fridays next to each other. Watch out, it's Lady and the Tramp Day at Buga de Beppo. It's just not the dog sharing spaghetti. Oh, no, those dogs. They're in love.

So you perfectly land between two dogs as they're about to start kissing each other. You don't kill either of the dogs. It's okay. Humvee-length strand of spaghetti. Yeah, yeah. It was a really long... They make it just for the dogs to really keep the sexual tension as long as it could possibly be. It takes them about 20 minutes to get to the middle. That is the sexiest scene in all of Disney animation. I thought you were just going to say in cinema. It's that and Nala doing the eyes. But yeah, so anyway, you...

So you land, you come down like halfway into the tent of the Fridays and you like collapse the tent. You don't hit anybody. You destroy the romance between these two dogs. They end up getting divorced. But the front tires land kind of hard. Because nobody's in there, right? Yeah. Nobody eats at a Friday. Nobody eats at a Friday. It doesn't matter. That would have worked out. You're a tramp and I'm a lady. Not on a Wednesday they don't. Nice. The car is damaged now. It's going to move a little bit slower, but you managed to get to the Sonic just before the baddie does.

What are you going to do? I want to blow through the front door of the Sonic. We should just blow through the front door. Yeah.

I'm fucking old person on a farmer's market style dog. I mean, like most people in the passenger seat, I can't really stop you. So it's, you know, that's what you want to do. Go for it. And the bouncer, the bouncer is going to stop us, but he can't stop a truck. That's true. As Taylor's doing this, normal is preparing to safely exit the vehicle. Okay. Go ahead and roll animal handling one more time. Lincoln unlocks the lady bird locks and gets ready. Indeed. If he needs to. Nine.

Okay, so with the nine, you crash into the front door of the Sonic. It's the glass doors of the metal frames. You manage to smash through, but the doors hold. They don't fall over. And so the pussy wagon just sort of and the glass shatters everywhere and stuff. But you're not inside the Sonic right now. You've just like, you know, you can run through the open glass doors. It's going to take you a second. All right, guys, we're here. Emergency! And I start running into the Sonic.

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As the manager of the Sonic comes out of his office, having heard the cacophony behind you, the grumble of the doodler monster going through the street gets louder and louder and it is basically caught up to you now. The bouncer goes, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? I'm calling the cops! And he begins to like move for his phone or something as you begin to stream into the place. Have any of you seen

like a high school girl. Like she's got like kind of a cool outfit and she likes poetry. She's hard on the outside, but she's actually really nice. Where, where, where is this way? I just watched him following my normal. Normal is telling you for the past 10 minutes and you can completely ignoring him. And the manager is calling the cops. I want to try and bluff him back. Cool it, man. I am the cops.

Okay. Roll deception with disadvantage. Three kids in a pussy wagon. These are definitely the cops. Eight plus two, ten. He goes, I literally remember the last time you were here. You tried to convince me you were a teen. And now you're trying to convince me you're a cop. Your life's getting harder and worse. And now. What? As he's working through that, I'm going to take this opportunity to wind up and kick this adult in the nards. Okay. Go ahead. Roll an attack.

17. Wow. Okay, so you successfully kick him in the nards. He drops to his knees, tears running down his face, and he is going to be, for now, incapacitated. So you all follow normal as normal follows the vibe of scary scrunchie. We can tell her to take the phone, not to, I mean, you probably won't have him call, but, you know, take the phone from him. Yeah, I'm going to whip it out and then just, like, break it over my knee and be like, take that, nerd. Okay. Okay.

Cool. That's what you get for not letting me in last time. Several tables worth of adults and at least one Sonic mascot still bouncing chili dogs on his dong. Turn and see you do this, as do multitude of security cameras. But yes, you have done that. You've now shattered this poor man's cell phone. Link, before we go...

They call him a nerd. Everybody in the Sonic puts their hands up as if they are about to get robbed, including Sonic. Link, before we go, we need to take out the security camera footage, but like, let's just keep that in mind. I'm following normal. Okay. So you follow normal, the doodler creature, you could hear it beneath you, but you're neck and neck with it. So you run and you follow it towards what you can see is a large,

It's like an octagonal cage with like chain link fence and stuff. And within the cage, you see a bunch of like broken arcade cabinets. There's a gate at the front of this octagonal cage that's got a lock on it. Like a UFC thing? Oh, I guess. Because there's a bunch of like broken arcade machines inside this octagon. You can tell like, oh, this is just where they put the shit that doesn't work. This is kind of like an old storage room. Is the gate all the way up to the ceiling?

No, it is not. And we see Scary in there? No, there are so many arcade machines, you can't get clear line of sight all the way through the octagon, but normal can definitely tell that Scary is in there somewhere. I go for an Uncharted-style boosty to boost Link up over. Link, how are you, buddy? Sure, we do it, but we do it much closer to Army of Two, and I...

God damn it with the army of two references. You piece of shit. Step on your hand. I'm already like 6'3", so I'm already like halfway there on this fence. So like, yeah, I just like, I vault over. You probably could have climbed over yourself. I just really wanted to help after not getting the help of the car. Acrobatics, yeah. Acrobatics or athletics? Or athletics, doesn't matter. Either one. 16 plus three. 16 plus three, great. Okay, push you over. I go, it's just me and you, buddy. Yeah, like just like all the time. No, no, no, no.

Okay, so as you crest over the top of the fence, you get a glimpse as the doodler creature unburrows next to a glowing blue egg.

pod thing that seems to have scary within it. It's got like a translucent front. She's got like a matrix-y, like umbilical cord thing going into her mouth. Like the X-Files movie where he finds... Scully? Scully. Yeah, kind of like that. So you leap over and then as you're coming down, you see the doodler creature transform itself into an identical pod with an identical scary inside of it. And then you hit the ground and your line of sight to scary is broken, but you can tell that the other creature has doodled itself into being an identical looking pod thing. Right.

But I can't tell if it was to the left or right of it. Why don't you roll? I got a nine. So you saw, but you can't remember.

Oh, no. You hit the ground. There's a lot of things going on in your teenage brain. You can't exactly remember which one was which. From this side, I'll just say you can open the door pretty easily for everybody. Oh, hey, it was unlocked. I just opened the door. It was like a deadbolt lock. So you all can basically head into the octagon, and there is an open area in the middle where there's sort of a circle of arcade machines with one gap open. And in the center of that, there's a hole in the ground. And then...

two identical scary pods. Hey, so one of these is the monster, one of them's scary. It's that one, and I point with full confidence because once you are within 1,000 feet, the spell known as locate object can locate a specific object known to you, which is scary scrunchie. Okay, so we're going to say there's scary A and scary B. You point at scary A who has the scrunchie, and you know that that is...

the person who has the scrunchie. Scary B is the other one in the other pod and it does not have the scrunchie. Both of the pods pop open and coughing and hacking and reacting the way that Scary would, I guess, which is up to Beth. They emerge from these pods on all fours and then both slowly kind of try to get to their feet. Scary! Holy moly, are you all right? Yeah, what did I miss? You got a lot! Don't you remember? There's another one of you. The look over there! Oh!

Yeah, what'd I miss? Well, you got abducted by an alien and that's the alien, so we gotta get you out of here. Which one's the alien? I don't know what we do. Which one's the alien? Do a little one. I'm the real one. You're the real one. Whatever you do, don't take off that scrunchie. That's the only way we can tell you two apart right now. No, I'm the real one. Says the one without the scrunchie, Scary B. I'm trying to tip over an arcade machine to crush Scary B. Wait, no. Okay, roll strength check. I'm gonna fight him.

Roll opposed athletics. Nine plus one, ten. Eighteen plus three, you fucking maniac. Yeah, you successfully stopped him from... Sorry, I'm just hyped up after driving a truck to the front door of a Sonic. I saw a transform right in front of me. I should know, but for some reason I forget. Guys, I'm telling you that this is the real scary. I've been sensing and locating the scrunchie for the last ten minutes in the back of the car. Yeah.

the garbage guys are paying attention because you're having so much fun with each other in the front seat nobody listens to me well okay yeah losers like anybody would try to steal this look normal steps in front of scary A and I was like this is the real scary guys that's what I've been saying that's what I'm saying too I don't know who this other person is it's the doodler eyes thing it's a yeah I'm not the doodler

I'm just like a cool goth. What? You were just underground, though. Well, like, you mean underground, like, haven't been discovered yet? No, you were, like, moving like a truck. Underground, like, cool or, like, hitting? Oh, man. Okay, but, I mean, Norm says we know the ones A. I mean, I guess, do we have to do anything to this one? We can just leave it here, right? Or no? I mean, we're supposed to, like, stop this stuff from happening. I think that's in the job description. Where?

is Terry Jr. She can fix all of this, probably. That's definitely... Wait, you said something nice about Terry Jr.? Yeah, you can't be the real scary. Yeah, actually, she would never say anything nice about fucking Terry. Yeah, okay, normal's right. It's Terry, it's Scary A. This championship edition Pac-Man machine ain't gonna move itself. It...

It pains me to ask where, but I do think that he would help things a little bit. So you hear the, and then a very tired, even though he's in corporeal form of Terry Jr. enters the back room and goes like, I'm here. I'm here. And both scares go, Oh,

Hey, baby girl. How you doing? Daddy's home. I mean, stepdad's home. Terry's home. Have you figured out which one's the real one? We have. I'm pretty sure it's this one with the scrunchie, because that was, like, cast a spell to find the scrunchie, and there's another one with the scrunchie on, right? Yes, you saw me. I was the real... That doesn't mean jack shit. The doodler could have, like, stolen the scrunchie. We were following it, like, when it wasn't underground, so, like, that would imply that normal scary was, like, going underground, which, like, she can't do. Terry's doubling over still. Terry's like, no, no, no, no. She's right.

It could have been after I got here. You said you were using a spell to locate the scrunchie? Yeah, that's the thing I said. There's a chance it sensed it and then switched scrunchies with the real Terry. All right, well, then I guess I'll have to cast Zone of Truth. Okay. Yeah, bitch. I cast Zone of Truth, which creates a magical zone that guards against the deception in a 15-foot radius centered on a point within range until the spell ends. A creature that enters that spell's area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there must make a

charisma saving throw on a failed save a creature can't speak a deliberate lie while in the late radius make the first one for scrunchie scary and the second one for non-scrunchie scary okay

That's a 15 for scrunchie scary. So scrunchie scary passes. Non-scrunchie scary got a 16. Okay. So you both passed. You both passed. I got a five, so I have to. I got a 14. You got a 14 and Link got a five? Yeah. Link, do you like Taylor more than me? What? No. Answer the question. No, I just had a lot of fun with him recently, but we haven't hung out as much. I'm sure if we hung out more, we could like. Oh, thank God. Okay, let's get back to this. Maybe a little bit. Guys.

guys but this is because just right now i don't know i'm like a dog i think i just like whoever i hung out with first more but i don't know no he's cooler than you oh shit look it's just don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer do you also have to say for it normal i don't know it doesn't say yeah it's a zone of truth isn't it it's a zone

You're in the zone. I got six. You also have to tell the truth. You like Mia Taylor more. I like Scary the most because you guys are not as cool as she is. She just seems like she's really independent. I like it.

I like admire that about her. That's cool. I like none of you. Actually, it's going to deeply depend on like whether or not you make the right choice here. I'm going to have a Terry role as well. So is the idea that when the doodler like kidnapped Scary, there's a chance that they might have taken her scrunchie. In the moment, like literally as the thing came out, as Link was heaving over the fence, that second where the creature was out of his sight, it could have grabbed the scrunchie and swapped it. I think visually it almost looks like it could have.

but did it? No! Wait a second, if it grabbed the scrunchie, then there's two scrunchies. Both Scaries, turn out your pockets! Okay, and the Scary with the scrunchie turns out her pockets and it's empty because she has the scrunchie already. Scary B, if you will, turns out her pockets and

a scrunchie comes out. So she's got two scrunchies. So yeah, I guess you could say the one with the scrunchie is the real one. Yeah, that's what I am saying because I think you're not the real one. I think you probably took the scrunchie and then you put it in your pocket and there it is. Ask me.

About anything. And I'll tell you. Oh, no. What did you do last night? Um. Well, we don't know what she did last night. No, we hung out. And I whispered, like, last night she hung out with us at Taylor's room. And then they had a fight. Last night I hung out with you guys at Taylor's. Yeah, wait. No, that's what I did last night. Wait, I know exactly what to ask. What happened in my room the moment you sat on the bed? Less than you wish, champ. Oh!

Take a D6 of psychic damage, Taylor. Wait, what does that mean, though? Less than what? I don't know. She's trying to be edgy for no reason. Well, I am edgy. Terry Jr. says...

Look, this thing, whatever it is, it's got her memories. So you're not going to be able to figure out which one's the real one and which one's the fake one by asking it things that the real scary knows. That's why she was able to act so normal in my class. Can we get an x-ray machine? Yeah. From like Healthmates? You know that Uber for health that you have in the future? Yeah, you can get on-demand MRIs, CT scans.

Blood work. If you get above a 17 on a raw D20 roll, I will say... They can tell so much just from a drop of blood these days. They don't even need a whole bottle of blood. Only you need one drop of blood to tell who the real feel scary is. A raw 17. Never say goodbye too soon. I want to say for the record that when Beth does her impression of Elizabeth Holmes, she does the godfather hand gesture the whole time. That's because in the TED Talk, she's holding out the vial. Oh, but it just looks like...

You do treat me with such disrespect when I take a drop of your blood. Invest. Okay, so what did you roll? We got a 15 trying to call the help rates. Ooh, you were really close. Yeah, Theranos did come back, but she was still alive. It's a surge pricing. We can't afford these scans. Not without insurance. Terry says,

it might not always react the same way because it's trying to emulate what it knows from memories rather than actually having the same emotional state as Terry. So let me ask something real quick. Do you love me? No. Okay, I have no, that didn't help at all. I must hurt either way. I know, yeah, I swung too hard. I swung too hard. I always do that. That's my bad. Okay, but you do. So which one of you does? Does what?

Love your stepdad. Love your stepdad. You believe that Terry is lying and trying to persuade. No, I believe that the real scary is lying because the real scary does love. Okay. Then why don't you roll persuade to get the honest answer out of scary? And then you can roll opposed as scary with a charisma saving throw. I got a 17. I got a 12. Did you add your saving throw like modifier? No. And I feel like you get advantage because this is your whole deal.

is not talking about your feelings. Oh, plus one, so 13. Oh, wow. But then I got a natural 20. All right. How do either scary react in that situation then? Um, what was the question? Which one of you does actually love Mr. Sampler here? You must love your dad. So like, you know, tell the truth. I just don't. I, and then scary is like, I definitely don't.

like him. Well, that's okay. You don't have to like everything. Terry's like, that's fine. That makes two of us, kid. Scary thing is like, I don't like him. I don't love him either. Why is everybody trying to make me love people? Like, that's not like, ooh, ooh, ooh, Terry. Yes. Scratch it.

I'm trying to give you a code here. Okay. What does that mean? What does scratch like? Like, is this? And I remember. I know what this means. What does that mean, Scary? A? It's what do you do when your arm itches? You scratch it? I.

I guess. Well, unless that's like... They wrote that. It was on a note on his desk, right? It was on Terry Jr.'s desk at Daddy's. It was. Yeah, yeah. That can't be the answer to it. It was like a riddle or something, right? Yeah, it's a riddle about the doodler. We'll get into that in a second. But yeah, you remember that. I mean, if I was to follow my answer to that, then I would just kill one of you right now. You would kill me? I would kill one of you if we were following that. Well, which one would you? I mean, just hypothetically. I don't want to kill either of them. These are...

One of them is my stepdaughter. I love them so much, even though she doesn't care about me at all. And when I look at her, I see myself when I was a kid because I didn't love my stepdad. And by the time I realized I did, it was actually pretty early. We had a really long, nice life together, but I just get scared that the same thing's gonna fucking happen. And you think I'm scared too? Because I'm not. I'm not scared. I'm not...

Okay, that's fine. You're not scared. That's fine. That's fine. Sure. Okay. What would make you happiest? That's actually all I care about. What would be the thing that made you happiest? Would it be me not being around? Because I could do that if it meant leaving you and your mom and you would be happier. Scary B says, um, actually, that sounds like pretty metal. And Scary A says, well, I just want things to be the way that they were before. Like,

So Terry sort of looks down and like nods solemnly and he goes...

Well, I mean, more than likely you're going to get your wish anyway, even if I do make it out of here, which I probably won't. So you mean you're leaving? Because that would be boss. That's scary B. We're killing B, right? We're killing B, right? Guys, I don't know. Scary's got a pretty hard shell. I wouldn't be surprised. How hardcore mean do we think scary really is? That's the question here.

This is my only thing, though, is like if you were a dude that was trying to pretend to be scary, like it'd be pretty ballsy to be that mean because like that's pretty obvious that that's like, I don't know. That's like that. Oh, shit. You're right. I'm getting second guessing. Are we trying to kill? What are we going to do with them, though? You want to kill?

one of us go ahead. I don't care. I just, we don't really have the ability to. Yeah. My thought was just to tip this Pac-Man arcade machine onto one of you, but you know, it's kind of heavy. Why don't you just like tip it on yourselves? If you're so unsure, if you can't tell that it's really me, then why don't you just tip it on yourselves? Huh? And scary B seems pretty hardcore. I mean, like she's willing to kill us. So, I mean, that might be her. Maybe I'm hardcore and you think that that's the real scary, but I wasn't always like that. Yeah.

That's true. So you got to know that, like, deep down, I'm a person inside, even though sometimes I act like I'm like hard and that I've got real feelings. And I used to be like a soccer forward and I like pink sometimes. And I'm just a kid. You know, I'm definitely leaning towards B as the real one. I cast Guiding Bolt at Scary B.

What? Scary B. Okay, so what does Guiding Bolt do? A flash of light streaks towards a character within range, making a ranged spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target takes 46 radiant damage, and the next roll made against this target before the end of your next turn has advantage thanks to the mystical dim light glittering on the target until then. Okay, so make a ranged attack roll. Can I try to stop him? No.

No, he just did it. I feel like we've established that you pay no attention to normal most of the time. So I think he just did it. I think you see a bolt come by and then you turn and go, oh, normal's there. So I did 19 damage. Whoa! Wait, wait, wait. What'd you roll to hit? Oh, I see. Okay.

I got a nine. Scary B's hair blows back as the guiding bolt singes part of her cheek with radiant, sunshiny energy, the antithesis of Scary Marlo. It singes her cheek, but otherwise does not hurt non-scrunchy Scary B. How does Scary B react to that? We're not on good terms. It's you! It's you!

We're not on good terms. You think Scary would say that? She'd be saying the most meanest thing ever. She'd be like, come on. She didn't have the scrunchie. Scary is like, just because I can't think of something mean to say doesn't mean I'm not actually thinking it. Are you defending the other Scary? I don't understand what's going on. I'm okay with deciding which one we think it is, but it's a pretty wild situation to possibly kill the wrong Scary. I'm definitely more friends with Taylor now. Are you kidding me? Everybody wait here. I got an idea. And then I run out to the kitchen and I come back with a knife.

And I say like a magic spell over the knife. Also just the kitchen, the Sonics, they see a young teen walk in while they're making chicken fingers. Yeah, they just grab a knife and walk out. So I say a bunch of words, like kind of spelly, Experatus Dimitus Bladium Exscorpio. And I like shake the knife a lot. I've just charmed this knife so that it can stab through Terry. Okay.

I just turned level three. There's a level three spell called planar weapon, and you can enchant a weapon to attack someone that's on the same plane as you, but they're in another plane. It's called an astral blade. Terry, this is the only way. And I go to stab Terry. No!

And I would like to roll deception on both scaries. I'm going to try to do a King Midas here. Can I roll deception to help? Like I'm actually terrified. Yes. Can I roll to see if one of them knows what is actually going on? Yes, you'll be rolling insight as both scaries to see if he's telling the truth or not. Are you going to help out on this deception or are you just like, you're cool? Well, it sounds like you guys have this well in hand. I got a 16. I got 13. Okay, what did the scaries get?

Scary A got a 12 and Scary B got a 1. Wow. Okay, so both Scaries fully believe. Oh, shit. I just... I failed my zone of truth roll. Does that mean I can't do this? It means that as you're going to do it, you have to go, this is a bluff! Oh, no. Fuck.

Wait, you failed your zone of truth role too. Yeah. I forgot. So as I'm about to stab, right as I get over my, I say, don't worry, this won't work. This is a trick. Both scary say, wait. Scary A says, I don't, I mean, don't do it. Scary B says, can I do it?

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See store for details. Help, help me tip this Pac-Man machine. All right, I don't think she wants to kill her dad. Like, I gotta believe that about my friend. Let's just punch her. Just punch her. Don't kill her, though. Just punch her. Here, I punch B. All right, roll your attack. It's an 18. Wow. Real haymaker. That blows through Scary's AC. So go ahead and deal damage.

Just two. Okay, just like in Fight Club, you hit Scary B in the ear. Damn. I went for, like, the stomach. Oh, you went for the stomach. Okay. That's way less sad. I've had menstrual cramps worse than that. Oh, no. So in this moment, the two of you who ate...

Doodler's it. Oh, no. That was normal and Link, correct? Uh-oh. So a second or two after the menstrual cramp comment, both of you double over in agonizing pain. You feel there is something inside of your stomach. Is this what that is? Is this a menstrual cramp? No.

That's what it feels like. You feel several somethings in your stomach and then you feel like, oh no, you're about to vomit. You feel it's coming up. So maybe there was some truth to what Link was saying. Something's coming up. But then as you feel it come up, it doesn't feel like vomit. It feels like little tapping on the inside of your esophagus that's getting higher and higher. Just tapping, tapping, tapping, tapping, tapping, tapping. And then you retch

And as you retch, your mouth opens. And normal, a very small version of normal is in your mouth holding your jaw open. And Link, a very small version of Link is holding your jaw open. And both of them swing out of your jaws and start climbing onto your faces and trying to like gouge at your eyes and shit like that. I grab it. Go ahead and roll. I feel like this is...

Some army of darkness shit. I love this. Yeah, it's very army of darkness. Try to grab it with, let's say, sleight of hand. As this is happening, I want to very carefully keep an eye on both Scaries to see how they react. Okay. I'd like to imagine Taylor's got the Pac-Man machine almost tipped over, but it's like you're pointing at a gun between two people. Which one's the gun?

do I crush? I rolled a two. Okay, so it just reaches one of its tiny fingers into your eye and just right through the juice of your eyeball. Like it just feels like you got like a thing stuck in your eye. It's not permanent damage or whatever, but it fucking hurts. It feels like when you scratch your cornea when you're trying to put a contact. Exactly. Yeah, you scratch your cornea, but it's a little link. What does little link say as he scratches your cornea? Uh, sorry.

Okay, Taylor, what did you roll for insight to look at the two scaries? The two scaries. You're not going to believe this. 11 plus the two, 13. So with a 13, you are...

certain that you were seeing a true response from one of them, but not from the other. Both of them are not lying to you, nor are both telling the truth about the way they're reacting to this moment. Scary B is like, Norm, give me the knife. And then scary A is like,

Oh my, oh my God. I need to, I love it. And like goes to get the little guy off link. I'm going to eat my little guy. I'm just going to try to crush him in my molars. Hell yeah. What would we roll for that? Do we think drink mastication strength makes sense. Is he still in my mouth or is he also on my eyeball? Do I need to pick him off?

He kind of tried to swing out of your mouth and like start scrambling up your thing. But like basically his foot is still inside. So if you want to chomp down. Oh, this is an easy one. This is an easy one. Let's say dexterity. You're trying to do it really quick. No, no, no, no. This is an easy one. You're eating a metaphorical representation of another person. That's a religion. What? Give me a dexterity roll. See if you can chomp down before his foot clears your palate. I got a 17. Wow. Okay. So yeah, you successfully crouched down on the ankle of tiny normal. What does tiny normal say in response? He's like, no!

Sorry, mine's not as funny as Matt's. I can't top. Sorry. What does he taste like? Normal is disgusted by how he tastes. He's like, I need to bathe more. This is gross. Can I roll perception on Scary A's response to being concerned? Because I figure she's running at me. We'll just keep Scary's roll, so you roll. And if you get higher than whatever Scary rolled, I'll tell you if you're... I got two again. No idea. It could be a true thing. It could be false. I think B is the real one. No, I know. That's my concern. That's my concern.

- I think A is probably the real one, but I've definitely doubted Kyn's, Beth being like, "I'm gonna trick them." I just don't wanna kill one of them to find out which one's the real one. - I give Scary B the knife. - Scary B stabs Scary A. - Well, that doesn't prove anything. - To be fair, what exactly the move we expected? - Go ahead and roll an attack. - I rolled a nine. - Guys, Link, normal, if this happens to me, you step aside.

and you let me fight myself to the death. What does scary A do that causes scary B to miss with a knife lunge? I think she just does a cool, like, step-back, like, soccer move. Oh! That's fun. Playing on her soccer. So, yeah, the blades have been drawn.

Scary B has just tried to kill Scary A. I never would have stabbed him. I was always going to stab her. You were always going to, okay, that's really stressing me out. Well, this is what you wanted. Normal, should we just wait for the next stab to see if he goes down? If you guys want to wait for the next stab, I'm down. Well, that's you. You have the knife. I run into the kitchen.

Oh, I step, I step in between the two of them. Okay. I'm like, you're gonna have to stab me to stab her. I give length the knife. What? Um, all right, let's just all calm down. Hold the knife. Wait, you're giving me the knife. Why? No, here, if you're the real scary. Make the right decision. What? Make the right decision. Oh,

I turn around. Link, see, she's not even doing anything. She's not even admitting that all this feels awful, having your friends judge you, and she's not even saying how much it hurts. Okay, look, all right, all right. Scary B had the scrunchie in her pocket. The monsters came out of our stomachs when we attacked Scary B as if they were trying to protect their monster queen. So it's gotta be Scary B.

I don't think we're going to get to real certainty here unless we just fucking go for it, right? Yeah, I was going to stab. I was going to stab one of them. Do it, Link. Just do it. Terry Jr. is turned away and is like covering his eyes like, I can't watch this. I'm going to stab Scary B.

Very gently. All right. Is Scary Bee going to try to dodge this or is Scary Bee going to just like, okay. Both me and Little Lake are both saying sorry as I'm plunging the knife in. I think she would try to dodge it. Roll your acrobatics and Matt, you roll opposed attack roll. I got an eight. I got a 10.

All right. What's the least sad part you're going to stab her in? I stab her like in the side. Ow. Where all the vital organs are. No, like this. Not like fucking. In her hip. Ow, my appendix. Yeah, there we go. The hip. Okay, so you stabbed you in the hip and it's like it sticks in the hip bone and it's just like sticking out of the side of Scary B now. Now it's very easy to tell them apart. Metal. So there's a bone there. Yeah, there's a bone here. Is there a bone in the other one? I pull it out and I put it in Scary A. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Scary A rolls a four, so yeah. So Scary A also gets hit? Yeah. I got a nine, so yeah. Ow, what the fuck? Is there a bone on that one? What do you prove by doing this? Roll perception. If it's all, well, there should be all tentacles. You got bones, monsters have bones. So that's an 18. Wow, with an 18. Okay, you can definitely feel that the bone here is,

Feels a little bit different than the bone from the first one. You can tell- Wait, wait, wait! Explain differently, what do you mean? I hoist my hip up, I'm like, "Stab me if you'll compare!" I go, "Normal's a great idea!" I go swing to normal, I go, "I would never do that to you," but I stab myself in the hip. Why won't you let me push forward?! The feeling you get from stabbing yourself in the hip. Actually, roll Constitutional to see if you can focus on the feeling of it through the pain.

No, I got minus one. So that's a 15. Okay, so 15. You can just barely, through the pain, feel the sensation of the knife going into your hip, it hitting bone. It felt just like the bone of Scary B. See? And I want fish tipping over the Pac-Man machine on the Scary A. I haven't played soccer in a while. My bones aren't as, like, fucking cool as they used to be. Guys, I think this bone feels like the bone in that one. Go ahead and roll strength, see if you can tip the thing over. This is the idea that works.

Well, he said the bones feel the same. What are we supposed to do? Unless Anthony wants to trick us. 13 plus one, 14. Does anybody want to try to help Taylor push this thing over? Because otherwise a 13 is not going to do it. I helped Taylor push the Pac-Man over on Scary A. Go ahead and roll strength or athletics.

I got a seven moral support. Can I roll to as scary B to help? We all help. Okay. You were also doing all this while a small version of you was clawing at your eye. Hey, hey, little lady, chill down for a second and help out. It says no. How does it say no? Uh, he says no. Okay, great. So no, but you should claw you. Uh,

What did you get? I rolled a 17. Okay, so with a 17, Scary B successfully moves over as Normal is also sort of exerting his full strength, which is not enough to tip this arcade cabinet over. And the second Scary holds on it, you get just enough strength that you need to tip it over onto Scary A. Okay.

And Scary A is crushed by it, knocked to the ground, but her top half is still looking at it, sort of an inverse Wizard of Oz sort of situation. Her whole body, but not her feet. Yeah, you only crush her feet. And she goes, no, the source of my power. So you crush Scary A halfway under this thing while Tiny Normal's dangling from Normal's mouth and a tiny link is still clawing at his eye. And the Scary that's crushed underneath...

Cries like a high school girl because it's real scary. No, no. It goes...

And it begins to just turn back into its gelatinous tentacled form, and it begins to melt in front of you. As it dies, it extends a single tentacle toward Scary B, the real Scary, and goes, You can never trust them! They never loved you just like no one will ever love you because you don't deserve it! I know what's in your head, and you deserve all the pain!

I cut the tentacle with a knife. You cut the tentacle off, and with that, some more juice spurts out of it, and it falls dead.

Wow, that was easy, guys. You did a great job. Wow, that didn't take any time at all. I just hugged scary. I'm so sorry about your hip here. I do lay on hands. Sure, you get a little bit of healing. Hey, and I'm sorry too about trying to kill you. I just want to say that was my bad. Are you mad at me? I guess I didn't make it easy, but I couldn't be weak like that other scary was. Like, you know, saying all that soft stuff. No, no, no.

How are you, Gary? How are you doing? That was crazy for us, but I can only imagine what it'd be like on that side. I'm fine. In fact, I'm like really metal now. Taylor wants to strut up and goes...

I knew it was you the whole time. I hold out for a predator high five. Welcome back to the team. I do the head predator high five. Hell yeah. Terry Jr. goes, Oh, I'm so glad. Oh, I had no idea which one it was. I was really hoping it was a, cause she said all those sweet things, but I should have known it was, it was you, but I'm so happy. Yeah. I wanted to stab her. I, that's why I asked if I could do it. No, you're, you're right. Yeah. You, I mean you, and you did, you did stab her. So no, okay. That's, that's cool. So,

So I can feel myself sort of losing connection, so to speak. So can you hear me now? Connection? Where was there ever a connection? Hey, Scare, you want to maybe give him a fucking break for one second? Jeez, I'm sorry. I'm just a little jumpy right now. But like, come on. You don't have to apologize for her. She's right. Like you said, when you were both being honest that the thing you want the most is for me to not be around. So that's fine. I get it. I didn't.

I mean that, like, really, but I meant it. But I mean... Yeah, yeah, I don't have a lot of time. Here's what you need to know. Now that you and I have whatever this is, this is something, right? This is a moment, right? Don't answer that. I don't want you to say no, but like, I think it is. So I'm pretty sure that the door at the bottom of Daddy's HQ, I think you can go through that, and I think you can come to this world and rescue us whenever you want to. I think at the same time, and this is your choice, you don't have to do this.

You can just come and you can come get us and then we can try to fix things on our own and you can go back to being a kid and you and I never have to talk again and you can just live the rest of your life happy and that'll be fine. In addition to wanting to save us in this other world, you've heard about something called Code Purple. Yeah. You have all the items that you need to enact Code Purple. I can see that, Taylor, you've got an empty memory syringe, probably from your dad. You've got that amplifier. Yeah.

You've got the ring of swapping and you've got the dial with the realms attached to it. That's everything. Yeah. The amp thing.

That's everything you need for Code Purple. If you want to know what Code Purple is, I can give you basically a map. I can give you a map and a journal. If you study those, I know you'll find out what it is on your own. Study? That's not like home work. If I just tell you, your brain might react poorly and you have a one in four chance of dying. Why do parents never just tell us? Because you have to learn for yourself. If I just tell you, you won't learn and you have a one in four chance of dying. Where do we learn from?

Oh, boy, there's older people who do things already that could teach us these things. It's me. I'm giving you this textbook for it. The journal. No, I get it, though, because when I found out the Santa Claus wasn't real, I wasn't ready for it. I think it would have been better if I had discovered it on my own. Wait, Santa isn't real?

I'm sorry. Yes. But that's all I wanted to say. If you want to enact Code Purple, it can save the world a bit at a cost. You could just leave it to us adults to figure out. But I honestly think we fucked things up so bad last time that I don't know. Maybe it should be a responsibility. Our generation tried to fix things and we couldn't. And maybe this is, you know. What's the cost? Or is that something else we have to go learn? The cost is...

a lot of pain for a lot of people. But it might be the only way to survive the doodler. But do you want these things? I guess. Since you couldn't, we'll step up. Okay. That hurts, but okay.

under my desk, taped to the bottom of my desk at Daddy's HQ, you'll find what you need, the journal and the map. This might be it. I hope I see you soon. Or also, I hope maybe I don't. Maybe you don't need to come to see me. I just want you to be safe. I want you to be happy. Tell your mother that I love her very much and I will stay out of your life for good.

Hey guys, real quick. And then I grabbed Taylor and Lincoln. Let's give these two some privacy. Maybe they're like, I don't know. Like maybe she doesn't want to see nice stuff with like me. Let her look tough in front of us. Like, let's just go. We got to go check out. We got to apologize to everyone for ruining the restaurant. We'll be right back. Yeah. That. And then we run away. Okay. Yeah. So go away. Okay. And he fades away or, or fuck. Fuck.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. Before tomorrow makes this.

We can't change. We got one night today. Just on Mac tomorrow.

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Scary A, scary B, please impromptu, compose a short poem about how you feel about your dad. Maybe the meanest improv prompt I've ever heard in my entire life. Maybe the single most brutal.