S2 Ep. 11 - That Thing? You, Dude!
01:12:11 Share

They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

I can tell you that I'm not good at math, even though my dad is. I can tell you that your mom's tits are fake. Totally fake. I know the best place to look for a prom dress is at the Salvation Army. How can I know that and not know who I am? They trained her to be the very best version of herself that she could be. You're U.S. government property. You're a malfunctioning $30 million weapon. You're a goddamn walking catastrophe. Why couldn't you just tell me I look pretty?

Now, Sacramento's top agent. You think I look like I'm from Sacramento? You are from Sacramento. You have to remember. He's about to become their number one target. Where is she? She's sitting right next to me in the passenger seat. Check again.

From Greta Gerwig, the director of Little Women Extraction. I'll give you $10,000 to drive me to law school. She's headed to the East Coast. I need agents wherever culture is, like New York or Connecticut or New Hampshire. Comes the next chapter of the Lady Bird saga. I want Lady Bird in a body bag by sundown. We need kill teams sweeping every highway shoulder in the Tri-State area. We do not stop. We do not sleep until we find her, people.

Hi, Mom and Dad. It's me. Run the trace. Dad, this is more for Mom. I wanted to tell you, if I ever feel someone behind me, there is no measure of how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep. Ma'am, she's in the building. Get some sleep, Mom. You look tired. Lady Bird 7.

But the hell is a gun and the gun turns upside down and looks like a seven. Jumping out of the car into theaters and Hulu this summer. Nice try, child locks. You forgot one thing, mom. What's that? I'm not a child anymore.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the story of 14 searching for their lost dad in the world forever changed after that one time their grandparents unleashed an eldritch god. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift.

The rad, anime-loving teen of the group. I rearranged my room and I feel like I'm a morning radio DJ right here. You look, that's exactly what you look like. Like I have a, I got a screen up front. Hey, it's KD&D. KD&D coming at you. Coming at you live. I feel like a guest. First time in Freddie's house, I feel like a guest. First time. I feel welcome. So I wrote out my rad fact for teen this week. That's my move? You guys are supposed to flounder?

I've never done that before. Teacher's pet over here. Just get over with it. I just want to try it once, okay? Well, if it makes you feel good, mine's fine. Yeah, and I just thought of mine barely. Okay, here we go. Taylor's rad fact is that Taylor is popular.

But popular doesn't mean you really have friends. Taylor looks around him and he sees admirers and he knows that he transcends the boundaries set by click circles. But that also means that as a popular kid, you don't have a click.

It's lonely at the top for Taylor. See, his best friend moved away when he was in grade school. And since then, he never really had friends to like that same level. Like everyone's cool with him, but that's as far as it goes. So that's why Taylor is so ride or die for Link, for normal, for scary. It's because that fate itself has given him these three friends that he's close with for the first time. And it's fate.

that has designated these people as his sidekicks because there is not a single anime hero that acts solo. There's always supporting characters and these people are all of his supports. And that's why Taylor is going back for... What's your name again?

Also, I just want you to know that at the beginning of this, I said that Taylor thinks that as a popular kid, you don't have a clique. That's not true. Popular kids are very popular because they have a lot of friends. So they have other popular kids they can be friends with, which just adds more mystique to what does it mean when Taylor says he's popular. Daddy Master, can I have a rule? Can I have a ruling? Can I use my teen fact to say that he's not popular? Yes. Yes.

I allow it. Why you can't do this? Taylor is not popular at school. You can't. No. Okay. I don't want to waste it on that. We'll teach the controversy. Yeah. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, a schooled at home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group. And a little fact about Lincoln, just a cool rad fact. So there is one game that he enjoyed.

enjoys besides soccer yes he plays it with grant him and grant are not allowed to play it with marco anymore because they both get too intense and they hurt marco's feelings last time they played with their neighbor and that game is bridge they play him and grant are the duo they are incredible and they both turn into demons and trash talking maniacs when they play bridge and marco always plays all

Marco always teams up with the old lady next door, Mrs. Thompson. And they just absolutely Mrs. Thompson, but Mrs. Thompson's into it. So like when Marco goes out of town, cause he's a contractor, he'll sometimes, you know, go on trips to, you know, whatever, like a house he's building or like he's on a work trip. That's when they play. And then Mrs. Thompson brings a friend over. I'll go on a trip to a house I'm building. Welcome to a fabulous house I'm building. I live here now until it's done. That's how contractors work.

I hope my dad finishes the house soon. I haven't seen him in two months. I hope he gets back home from house. He's been there for so long. I feel like they would have a cool duo nickname. Well, it's very much Bridge. If you haven't played Bridge, it's all about essentially, if you play Bridge, you're probably also good at at least having a poker face. It's all about subtle communication with tics and body language. You kind of have to be drift compatible

I'm surprised they didn't have a bridge team as one of the duos that pilots the Jaeger in Pacific Rim. That would have been good. That would have been a good one. That would have been a key scene. Hello, everyone. My name is Will Campos. I play Normally Oak, the mixed-up mascot kid who doesn't know

anymore. That's great. Fun fact about Normal this week is that Normal is a very responsible young lad. He does all his laundry. From a young age, he learned to do his laundry. Unfortunately, the Oak Garcia Swallows household has one of those like

You know those all-in-one washer-dryers? Yeah. That, like, they put all your... It does it all? He doesn't realize that he's just been pressing dry, so... Oh, no! For years, he's just been getting his clothes warm. Like, baked? Oh, no! He really bakes a flavor in. Oh!

Yeah, so everyone just thinks he's smelly, but he's not. He showers and cleans himself. His clothes are very smelly because he has not been washing them the right way. A scented fabric softener in a dryer is pretty much the college way of doing laundry. That totally works. Yeah, you know, his mom is just like, I don't know why we keep running out of little linen sheets for the fabric of the thing so often. And have so much detergent. I don't know why my boy smells so bad.

It must be. And I'm not going to talk to him about it. So wait, does he pour the detergent in there? No, he just thinks you press the, he's like, it's all in one. So he just presses the biggest button, which is the dry button. And then that's what happens. And he's like, oh, oh, the clothes are nice and warm afterwards. That's a design flaw. The biggest button is the dry button. I just have to say. You should also just call it the most in one.

Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary this week is that she drinks coffee, and she drinks it black.

Yeah, that's right. No sweetener, no anything, no creamer. But when people aren't looking, she sneaks some sugar in there. Dang. Dang. That's pretty cool. Just sugar? Just sugar. It's got to still look black. How much sugar? A lot. Okay.

There we go. Handfuls. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master. Hey, dad. And you all played the Yakuza games? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to, this is not going to work so well for a podcast, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to stand up and then somebody just insult me. Okay. Okay, so he's wearing a dress shirt that's kind of nice with sweatpants, so I don't know where this is going to be, but he's unbuttoning the shirt. Hey. Hey. Anthony, you suck. What?

What? What? My goodness. What? He's got a back tattoo and it's bitching his ass. What happened? It's insane. What the fuck? Wow. You got a full back tattoo? The full back? I want to keep looking at it. On your first time? A fucking full ass back tattoo. What? I'm never insulting this man again ever. Wait, is that just a big temporary tattoo? No, it's real. No, it's real. I mean, a temp tattoo is real. It's just temporary. What?

I guess mine's temporary in the fact that, like, I'll die eventually, but no. What is it? Paint the picture for our listening audience at home. So it is a Yakuza-style back tattoo. It is not complete or colored in yet, and the lower third is missing, but it's the first three cats I have instead of, like, a dragon or, like, a fucking samurai or something cool. It's just my three cats, like, hanging out, but in Yakuza style. Oh, my God.

And it wasn't supposed to be like this. So I went in and the plan was like. That's a lot for not to be. Can I read you his tweet? This is why we all knew. This is why we all knew. Also, I'm changing the fact that Anthony Burch is the most popular kid at school. He has a fucking badass tattoo.

tattoo. This is a story about me being mentally not as great as I thought I was. So I went in and was like, I finally found the thing that I want to do, which is a big Yakuza style tattoo of my cats because like I love my cats so much, but I don't like pain. So what if

you could like design a tattoo for me that was like a three-part thing. And we'll just do one part that stands on its own. And if I can handle the pain, we'll finish the rest of it. And he went, absolutely. And then a couple of weeks went by and then he forgot that part and went, cool, I finished the tattoo. And he showed me the design and A, I didn't like it that much. And B, it was so big. It was my whole back. And I...

In my head, I went, this is the moment. This is where you can decide to stand up for yourself and occupy the smallest amount of space a human being possibly can in the world and say, actually, we talked about it being small, or actually, I would like it if you change certain elements of the design. And I thought about that very hard for about 45 seconds, and I said, that looks perfect. Let's do it. What?

This is the biggest, if not no worries I've ever heard of in my life. Yeah. It's yeah. And so I laid on my stomach for three hours as he did the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life, including getting my butthole and ding dong waxed the entire time being like, it would be cool if I was an adult. It would be cool if I was like capable of asking for like,

I now know if I go to a restaurant and somebody just hands me a plate of shit, I'll go, mm-mm-mm, that's vegan, baby, and then not complain or send it back, apparently. Have you grown to like it? No. What? It hurt a lot. I mean, no, it looks good. I just got it. I literally just got it today. I think it looks killer. It looks badass, dude. Yeah, it's not done yet. I'm sure it'll look good, but I have to go back and get more stuff done. All my friends who have tattoos were like, no, it's cool. At a certain point, it hurts so much, you get adrenaline or you get endorphins or any of this kind of stuff. I've never bought that. Nope.

Didn't happen to me. Turns out at least not on your back because your back is close to your spine. So you get nerves. And so I could feel the needle vibrating against my fucking bones in my back. Felt like somebody with a box cutter attached to a fucking vibrating wand, just dragging it across. I think in support of Anthony, we should all get back tattoos of his cats.

We should get back tattoos of Anthony. Anthony. Don't do that. I'm going to do it. We were just talking about tattoos. Are we going to get a back tattoo of Anthony getting a back tattoo? Yes. When I was there, I said like, oh, I'd like a full back tattoo or whatever. Or whatever. Yeah, yeah. And some guy in the other room was like, ooh, that's the right move. And I was like, cool. That must be because it's a good for beginners thing. And then as it was happening, the tattoo artist was like,

You're handling this pretty well. This is like one of the most painful places you can possibly get tattooed. Oh my God. And I was like, okay, cool. That's good to know. I want you to know that I see you and that I would probably do the same thing. Yeah. So. Like tattoos come and go. Being awkward to somebody is forever. Uh-huh.

So when we last left the group, normal and scary had just gone to drama class and seen that Terry Jr. was actually the teacher. But also, Taylor was speeding back to the FBI headquarters to rescue Lincoln. To rescue Lincoln from the clutches of the evil FBI guys who, unbeknownst to him, had already sort of agreed that they were just going to let him go. So I figure we can start with that scene first. It's

if you like, because I imagine you'll get back to your friends relatively quickly. So I stop along the side of the road before entering the main parking lot and do a roll outside the driver's into the bushes. And I pull out my binoculars and I scan my surroundings. Where'd you get the binoculars from?

they were in the glasses compartment of the car. Good one. Nice. Those are small binoculars. They're little opera glasses. Okay. So you see, there's an opera fan. Yeah, somebody was going to an opera. That's a huge opera fan. My God, they're doing an aria right now. You're in aria 51.

Yes, I'll be available on the Frazier podcast later today. You see the front doors to the sort of hangar that encompasses the FBI headquarters that you just recently exited. And Lincoln is being walked out by the main FBI agent that you saw who has a trap.

He has his hand on Link's shoulder and he's sort of pushing him ahead. What does Link look like? Does he look comfortable? Does he look scared? I mean, this is like right after. Right. I think he's being really catty. He's like looking at everybody. He's like, hey, those shoes look terrible on you. Hey, man, I don't like the way your face looks. He's being really honest. He's still on the truth track. Yeah, he's just being really honest. He's just dunking on everyone. He still can't not tell the truth. Yeah, you probably work here because it's the best job you could get. I can tell you, you have a dumb face. You don't look very intelligent. Ha ha ha.

And an FBI agent behind you is like, don't worry. He's on the stuff like I am. I actually like all of you a lot more. Some of you more than you. I do not like at all. And he goes, somebody drive the kid back to Tuan Sin. Whoever does it, I'll give you $20. I'm lying. I'm not going to give you $20. I'm just going to walk home. I don't trust any of you. You'll die. What? We're pretty. We're like three hours from your home. Oh. It's a schlep. I look outside. What am I looking at when I look outside? It's a lethal schlep. It's a lethal schlep.

I thought this was just like in the city. No, no, no. You're like in the desert. Yeah, we peed on plants last time. You peed on plants, yes. There's tumbleweeds. Oh, I thought that was three hours away. Okay. No, no, no. Yeah, no. I mean, they drove away a little bit. But yeah, no, you're basically in the middle of what you think to be a California desert. It's dry. The big black dot in the sky is still there. So in terms of time, you know, no easy way to tell.

There's not really a noon sunset kind of thing anymore. It's just a big sky. I didn't realize it's just a black dot now. That's so unsettling. That's great. Red sky and it's a little bit hot. So, you know what? Fuck it. I'll drive you home. No, that's good. Just give me like an Uber or something.

You want me to summon an Uber to this secret installation in the desert that's three hours away? Do you realize how much that'll cost? No, but like, it's not gonna be that secret. If I come home, I'm gonna tell everybody where it is. I'm gonna be able to keep track of everything. Okay, well, then I guess I have to kill you. Well, don't kill me. Just put a thing on me. How much am I hearing of this from where I am? Is he close? Roll perception to see how well you can read lips. Can I roll perception to see if I see him? That'd be a four, baby. I got an eight. Okay, well, Taylor, you think he's saying, what's that thing people say when they're extras? Watermelon? Watermelon, watermelon.

Yeah, you think he's saying watermelon over and over. Watermelon. And Lincoln, you're too busy trying to figure out how to get out of this. What's the FBI agent's name again? You never asked. Oh, hey. No, I'm not sorry I didn't ask your name. I don't care about your name, but I'm kind of curious. What's your name? My name is Agent Schmeggin. Oh, shit.

That's a dumb name. Usually we have a column here that says, hey, what's your name? So we can thank you for the name under what is your name? It also says Schmegan. Thank you, Schmegan. Thank you, Schmegan. Hey, can I get that packet of just like all the information on hell and all the information that we talked about, right?

It would be nice to have like an item that I could say we open to find information on everything we just talked about. You want me to give you classified documents? You're the dumbest child I've ever met in my entire life. You said you want me to fight in hell. I just want like. I said I wanted you to bring your stupid friend around so I could get into hell and all that shit. All right. So no manual, no nothing. Just everything you told me is all I'm going to have. Yeah. Okay. Use your resources. You're a kid. You're smart. Use your resources.

Be fucking intelligent. This is why you guys are way out here in this shitty property. You're all here too. You want to stay here? Nothing to show for all your work so far, buddy. You know what? Just take me home. We're not talking in the car. All right, fine. We'll talk in the car. No, we're not talking in the car. No, we will talk in the car. You're going to love me by the end of it. It's really important to me that people like me. Do you need somebody to talk to? Yes. Oh. Get in the car. Okay. We can talk. Shit, they're moving him to another location.

This is bad. All right, so they just start driving back to Lincoln's house. Do you just, like, follow them? I'm going to try and tail them according to how my aggressive one-man tail defensive driving manuals explain how to do it. Just telling the self-driving car to follow the other one? Yeah, I go, follow that car at a safe and reasonable distance, alternating between leading and following. Except you're the only two cars out on the desert. Listen, man, I didn't write the manuals.

Okay, these are trained CIA operatives who have spent their careers fighting in the Cold War, the Second Cold War, and the Third Cold War. The Warmer War. Real stealth.

Shouldn't like the institution of the CIA roll stealth? So you roll badly. Five plus three, eight. Okay, cool. So after about five minutes of driving, as Agent Schmeggin is getting into how you and his kid would probably actually get along pretty well. Have I been made? Yes. I'm going to pit maneuver the other car. Jesus Christ. What's this kid's name, by the way? His son's name is, and thank you to Totax Wilder for this name, also an amazing name on its own.

Brad B. Plunk Schmeggin. Plunk? Just call him Brad. Can I roll perception to see if I notice? Yeah, go ahead.

Just get higher than an eight. It's an 11. Plus one, 12. I think it's really cool that you think we would be friends, but rather than thinking about who your son could be friends with, have you ever talked to him about the friends he has now? Yeah, I don't like them. Oh, why not? Because they're 12 really mean soccer kids. Oh, wait, we're getting followed. Yeah, your dumb friend's following us. Oh, great, he's still around. I thought he was gone. Who's following us? I'm Lady Bird. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

As I pit maneuver. Okay. As I pit maneuver them. Okay. All right. So Taylor, roll. Find something to roll for a pit maneuver. He's a long way from setting a maneuver. No, animal handling. We all agree that cars are animals. And then Lincoln, go ahead and roll athletics or acrobatics to roll out without getting hurt. Oh, no.

I know that look. Now on three, we say our roles at the same time. Ready? One, two, three, six. Five. Cool. So that was a two-man podcast now. Oh, no. I was trying to think of...

How to do this with a job. I'm killing you both. Okay. I'll be fine. I'm in a car. So you try to pit maneuver him as link opens the front passenger seat door and leaps out. Agent Schmank turns, goes, what are you? Okay, that's fine. I don't care about you. I'm after the other one. So that's cool. And you dive out of the car and then Taylor attempts to pit maneuver the car, but

veers a little bit too early. He like goes wide and prepares to sort of go into the back to, you know, Taylor would know that a real pit maneuver is not a hard hit. It's a gentle nudge. Not in this moment. He's so nervous because you rolled a six. You rolled a five. You fucked up. He remembers it though just for

- Prosperity. - Okay, great. - I was like, wait, I shouldn't. - So you veer to the side, you overshoot, and now directly in front of you in your path is Link who just jumped out of the car. - Whoa! - Can I roll a dexterity save to avoid the car now? - Can I roll a dexterity save to avoid hitting my friend Link? - Both of you do it, yeah.

Oh, there we go. There we go. All right, ready? Three, two, one. Natural 20. Whoa! All right, so you get to determine what happens. What happens? Jackie Chan run up the hood and jump in the sunroof. I've clearly road burned my entire, like, leg and body. But when I stand up, I do that thing where, like, I look around as if, like, hoping nobody saw me trip. Like, I go like, oh, oh, oh.

I just kind of look around. So what happens is when you jump out, you rebound off of the concrete hard, but that rebound just happens to line up with the front of my bumper, which also is hitting a pothole, which then bounces you up and into the seat next to it. Okay, so I'm just there now. Yes. Okay. Real Bollywood action movie kind of movie. I love that. It's like a one in a trillion chance thing that we will be talking about for the rest of our lives. So you see in the SUV in front of you, Agent Schmegan pulls off his sunglasses and goes, my God, they're

Good. What are you going to do now? He's ahead of you in his car. He's going to try to probably jam on his brakes to stop you. As I say, he didn't care. He wants Taylor. You're welcome, buddy. Taylor, thanks for coming back and save me, man. Hey, he's going to come back and get you. We got to get out of here. Say less, bro. I feel like I would anticipate if you're in front, there's only one move you can do, which is slam on your brakes. So I'm ready and waiting and anticipating this so that the moment he does, I can swerve around him. All right, let's both roll dexterity. I got a 13.

I got 19 plus 120. Wow, so you're dead right. You managed to veer out of the way. You got ahead of him. You're also in an FBI SUV, I guess. They're in the pussy wagon, aren't they? Oh, you're in the pussy wagon. Yeah, yeah. But with the opera gear. League, yes. Dig around back. See if there's any opera-related things that we could use.

Yeah, go ahead and roll a perception. Anything you like to see if there's anything in this opera fan pussy wagon. Kill Bill's an opera. I got 16, 12 plus 4. Okay, so with a 16, you find a big Viking lady hornet helmet that seems to be made of pretty sturdy material. You find a bunch of musical sheets, a bunch of programs for different plays that have happened.

And a bodice. Nothing that you can use but the spiky thing. Link, are you ready to kill this motherfucker? No, absolutely not. He's after me and so we got to take him out. Okay, well, let's just drive fast in here. I'm going to start throwing stuff out. What's the side of the road? Is it just desert? There's a road. There's a ditch. And then beyond that is just a lot of shrub brush, cacti, slime, normal stuff. I'm going to make... No one's going to comment on the slime. The slime? I didn't say that.

Don't worry about it. What do you need to know? Now I do want to know, do we like know what the slime is in this world? Yeah, it's just the thing that is in the desert. Is it like...

When you go to the desert, there's slime. When you go to certain houses, they're radioactive. When you go to the forest, there's no tree. Is it slippery like oil? Is it sticky? It's a little bit sticky. It's like boogers. Okay. Like sticky enough that a car would have a hard time going through it. Sure. Okay. I don't know how it's going to help us. Oh, I got to move. I'm going to signal right with my blinker. I do the hand signal. Like when you're on a bike, do you also signal right? Yeah. It's a dual signal. Hey, buddy.

We're going left. Oh, shit.

Well, now he doesn't know what to think. Perfectly deceiving. April Sue 10. You could just see him shake his head like I've followed plenty of fucking people smarter than you. Hey, I got an idea, man. Just stop the car. What? I don't know. Just stop the car. We're not going to outrun him. But you said that he's trying to take me in. Yeah, I know. But just stop the car. And then when he gets out of the car to come talk to us, we'll just drive again. We'll just keep doing that until we get back to the city. Oh, that's a really good idea. Yeah. That's a really good idea. All right. So I signal right and I pull over to the shoulder. And we just sit there.

All right, so he sits there and he keeps the engine idling. Oh, Link, I got it. I got it. I'm going to pull him to reverse and slam into his engine with the back of my car, which is fine. I have nothing in the back of the car that I need. I can just fuck up his engine. Okay. He rolled his window down. He's got to get out with his gun out. And as the door opens, you reverse back into him. So he's going to roll dexterity to see if he can move out of the way.

He got a six. So the words pussy wagon approach him at great speed and slam themselves into his grill. Go ahead and just roll a straight D20 just for luck to see how much damage you do to his engine. Oh, God. Two. Dink. You take a headlight out. And I floor it. Okay. He's going to shoot at your car. He's going to try to aim for the tires. I'm very much hoping this becomes the entire episode.

Oh, God. Okay, he got a six. So basically he hits the U and the O on the words pussy wagon. His aim is terrible and you managed to get enough distance from him that by the time he's back in and pursuing you, he's pretty far back. Do you have a phone? No, I don't have a phone. Is there a fucking hell? Do I have a phone?

I got thrown away. I got to check something. Hey, Taylor, you've always been a good friend. Oh, okay, cool. I can lie again. Just pull over again. He's only got so many bullets. Just pull over. How many bullets does he have? How many bullets does he have left? He's got a Glock.

How many bullets does a Glock hold? 17. 15 usually if you're... He's got 13 bullets left. Just trust me, Taylor. Just roll over. All right, all right. I'm trusting you on this one. I'm a single... Roger, he said I can lie.

I'm going to signal right and then pull over onto the shoulder. Okay. And you do go right. And he's like, oh, I don't know what to make of that. All right. So once again, he stops behind you. And he gets out of his car. Let's just do the same thing again. So he stays in it. He stays in it. No, this time he stays. I'm going to roll. I'm going to make him do a wisdom saving throw. This is the

This is the best car chase I've ever seen in my life. He rolled a 16. So with his wisdom saving throw, instead of getting out of the car, he's going to roll down his window and point his gun out of the window and go get out of the car. Okay. I'm going to roll down the window. Hey, hey, Schmeggin, right? Agent Schmeggin to you. Sorry, Agent Schmeggin. Hey, man, we've had some good flying times and I'm just a scared kid. You know, I can't lie to you. And like, look, man. I love fucking. I know we can both lie. I love fucking.

I love it when I put my penis into my wife and I cum. It's my favorite thing. We're both liars now, Link, and I know that you know that. But I think, like, I'm a kid and I took more of it. I got, like, a smaller... Yeah, the metabolism's different. That means, if anything, that it would wear off of you quicker, wouldn't it? Because you have a faster metabolism. All right, asshole, if you want us, though, just come in and rest us right here. Yeah, come and get us, Dan. No, get out of the car or I'll start shooting. Go ahead, shoot. Good luck getting through all this metal. Roll intimidation.

Good luck getting it through all this metal you say out the open window. He's not on the side of us.

I only got a 10. You got a 10? Yeah. All right. He's going to roll to see if he's intimidated by you say, good luck getting through all this metal. I'm not intimidated. Got a seven. Oh, wow. He goes, it's a good point. Our SUVs are armored, but the tires aren't. Lincoln, Lincoln, let me just try this again. I'm going to slam into reverse and try it again. The exact same move. All right. He's going to start shooting before you do because he's ready for this time. I'm screaming. You'll never take 10.

I'm gonna roll again. Duck your head, Link. He got a two. So he just hits the U again somehow on Pussy Wagon. He's like, what the fuck? And he fires. How many bullets? I'm gonna roll a D10 to see how many bullets he fires. Don't worry, I've got this. He fires three times and all three of them hit the exact same spot on the U. Oh my god, Tyler, we're gonna die. I rolled a four.

Okay, and when you break the other headlight, and then he's going to keep firing. What time does it turn dark? One sun out! He gets a natural one when he tries to fire at you this time. That's a jam. That's a jam in the gun. That's a jam. That's a jam in the gun blows up in his own hand. That's not how Glocks work. It definitely jams completely, and he tries to clear the chamber. At that point, he just gets irritated, and he just tosses it away, and he hits the gas on his car and starts like...

Riving up against your butt. That's just gonna fuck his engine up more. Yeah, you're so close, it's not actually doing a whole lot. Okay, so is he gonna chase again? Well, you're not moving, so it's up to you what you wanna do. Why don't we let go of the brake and let him just start pushing us? Yeah. And then he goes, goddammit, this fucking doesn't, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. And then he's so dumb. Thanks for the ride, asshole, you're gonna run out of gas before us now? We're not even using any! Yeah! Just keep pushing us!

Yeah, you're burning more gas than we are. So behind you, you hear honk, honk, honk, and it's just him slamming his fucking head against the steering wheel over and over again. He goes like, you know what? I can find you again later. I'll find you again later when there are other people. Fuck this. I'm going. Bye. Have fun. Go. All right. Yeah, man. Hey, we're going to...

feed hell for you, asshole. Taylor's going to help, so leave us alone. Yeah, you better. Taylor, hey, so you know you're from hell. Your fucking dad's from hell. You suck. You both suck, and he pulls it into reverse because you should hang out with my son, though. My son's really nice. He just goes, don't tell anybody about this as he drives away.

It took a lifetime to find the person you want to marry. Finding the perfect engagement ring is a lot easier. At BlueNile.com, you can find or design the ring you've always dreamed of with help from Blue Nile's jewelry experts who are on hand 24-7 to answer questions and the ease and convenience of shopping online. For a limited time, get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with code LISTEN at

Blue Nile.com. That's $50 off with code. Listen at Blue Nile.com. Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Mint Mobile. Uh, with big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get somewhere between the store and your first month's bill. The price you thought you were paying skyrockets, but Mint Mobile, you don't have to worry about that because when they say 15 bucks a month, when you purchase a three month plan, they mean it. Deadpool Wolverine made so much money. Mint Mobile never needs to raise their prices.

That's true. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. Oh, we could do a Deadpool Wolverine-like theme for this one. Mint Mobile's here to rescue, just like Deadpool rescued Wolverine from the timeline that he was in with premium wireless plans. Who rescued who? Starting at $15 a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text. You know who talks an unlimited amount is the Merc with the Mouth in Deadpool 3. Delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Bub.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts into anywhere in the multiverse you might choose to go. Ditch overpriced wireless plans with Mint Mobile's deal and get three months of premium wireless service for $15 a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash dungeons. That's mintmobile.com slash dungeons. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash dungeons.

$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. C-Mint Mobile for details.

Dungeons and Dragons brought to you this week by Rocket Money. Rocket Money cancels subscriptions for you. And they also negotiate lower bills. Like, this is a thing you pay for, but guess what? It saves you money. That's how it works. How much do you think you're overpaying in subscriptions every month? Too much. 74% of people have subscriptions they've straight up forgotten about.

Like me. You know what I'm going to do is I'm going to start doing like the guy in Memento and I'm just going to tattoo all my subscriptions on my body and that way I'll remember. Yeah, it's like I got one on my chest that says YouTube TV and it says never trust this guy. There's just a big one on my chest that says John G signed me up for Adobe Cloud. John G didn't have a Roku. Ha ha.

Most Americans think they spend about $62 a month on subscriptions. But guess what? The real number? Closer to $300. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, you have full control over all of your subscriptions and a clear view of your expenses. You can see all of your subscriptions in one place. And if you see something you don't want, you just tap it. You cancel it. Tap it a few times. It's gone. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

I love also that the dashboard shows you... That was me tapping all of you guys. I want you out of my life. I'm cutting you out. Aww. I love how the dashboard also shows this month's spending compared to last month so you can track month to month how much you're spending. You can see those habits and they'll help you create a custom budget to help keep your spending on track. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. It's just like those when you deposit a check in a bank. You know what I mean? You just take a picture. That really is crazy.

Take a picture of a check and that's how it works? I know, that was wild when that first time I saw it. I felt like I was in the future. I was like, do I take a picture of a $20 bill and now I have $20 more in my account? Yeah, Rocket Money. No. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com.

Hey, wait, dude, what's your son's email? He's gone. Oh, you'll never know. Pull over to a gas station and walk in. And I want to come in and be like, hey, sorry, can I use your phone? We have a paying phone in the back. But we need money. So can we have money for the payphone?

We're kids. Oh, here. No, no, no. I got it. I dialed 911. 911 emergency. What's your emergency? Yes. Hi. I was aggressively tailgated by a vehicle heading southbound on I-63, and they had no headlights, and they said, fuck cops. I take the phone. They were shooting at us, and his name is Agent Schmeggin, and they work for the FBI, but not the FBI. All right. Go ahead and roll persuasion. A dispatch says, one moment, please. And then you hear a click, and then you hear Agent Schmeggin's voice going, are you fucking kidding me?

I'm just gonna show up at your house later. You fucking suck. You guys suck at this. I suck at this too, but you fuck, go fuck yourself. Go back to school. Jesus. Fuck. I don't even want you anymore.

All right, well, we'll check in if we defeat hell. I'll tell you what it's going to be. We're just going to wait for you to fuck up and get into a bunch of danger, and your dad's going to come save you again, and then we're going to capture him again. That's all that's going to happen. So if you don't see me again, just know that I'm watching you through a sniper scope all the time. Hopefully you don't get fucking owned by two kids like last time. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Hang up, Taylor. It's cool if you hang up before you finish this. I'm going to hang up really hard. Hello? Fuck. Why don't you, like, steal something? I've never stolen anything before. I don't know, man. I'm just feeling like... I'm feeling like Lawless, right? Oh, we should steal some booze. What does anything mean at this point? Yeah, nothing matters. Let's steal some cigarettes and booze. Oh, I just wanted this, like, Laffy Taffy. Oh, we can start with Laffy Taffy. That's cool. Here's what I'll do. I'll distract him, and then you make out with as many Laffy Taffys as you can figure, okay? I take a Laffy Taffy.

And I'm going to go up to the front and be like, that phone didn't work. Where's your bathroom? I got poop. Okay, you roll deception, Taylor. And then you roll sleight of hand, Link. D&D Beyond is like going out of its way to fuck me tonight. Four plus two, six. Okay. Oh, plus three. So that's a 17. 17. So I guess he's not distracted by...

telling him about having to pee, but he is looking at you and still somehow doesn't notice that you steal a Laffy Taffy. That's how smooth he is. That's how fucking smooth you are. You probably like drop it to your foot and have such foot dexterity. In that scene in Now You See Me where they're hiding the ace of spades, that card sequence, but it's with the Laffy Taffy, Anthony. Oh, man.

All right. So the guy narrows his eyes. He goes, why don't you get out of here? Yeah, we will. Good. Yeah. Later, Chode. Oh, Link, it's definitely going to hell now. Yeah. Hey, did you get any Laffy Taffy? Yeah, man. Here, I think you should. You should eat it. I don't think I should eat this. All right. Hey, Link, why don't lobsters share? Because they're shellfish. Is that on the Laffy Taffy? That's what they write on the inside of these. Is that the only one that's on there?

Oh, no, there's another one. Yeah, there's a bunch. I should have got more. That's a good joke. How many are there on there? It's one per Laffy Taffy. Oh, so we need another Laffy Taffy to get a joke? That's even... It feels like it's just a good joke with a candy on the side, if you ask me. Shellfish. That's a man's grain. So with the... Can we go to Sonics? No! No! Now I know the power that Freddy has. So with the worst chasing ever following the worst chasing ever, we are going to transition back to the drama class.

at teen high going on at 10 o'clock at night yeah question is terry always the teacher is he subbing he's subbing because remember after prom or after the winter ball or whatever it was a lot of the teachers quit because it was so fucked up and scary and they've had to uh hire new people and terry jr seems to be or is he the sub has terry a hologram hey are you a hologram

Are you just a sub? Why don't you give your stepdad a hug? And you'd find out. Just give him a hug. Do you want me to hug him instead? I'll hug him. Yeah, you hug him instead. I don't want a hug from that kid. Free hugs for dad. That kid's warm and smells bad. Ew. I mean, like, ew, ew, not ew normal. Because, like, ew, ew. Okay, that hurt my feelings, but okay. I don't care about your feelings. And I hug him.

So yeah, your arms go straight through him. It's just like the other dads you've seen thus far. He is on the other side, rejecting himself to you. At that moment, timeline-wise, can we swing it that Normal and Link show up? Oh, we're- Or Tantan and Link show up? The timelines reconcile? Yeah, and boy, oh boy, you had such a crazy day, but you got back to school? Guys, let's get out of here. Let's go to, like, Sonic's or like- No! No!

Daddy's headquarters where we can like get away from this loser. Can we give it a loser? I'm talking about you. Maybe you're a sub, but it doesn't seem like you can step up. You're right. Of course. Obviously. Yes. I am both a sub and I am not really doing

Doing a good job of being your stepdad. But that's okay. Finally, somebody said it. Because there's a lot of things you don't know about me. There's a lot of things I don't know about you. That's why we're not close. But that's okay. That's part of the point. That's actually one of the founding principles of drama is people say acting is about truth, but acting actually is something that we all do. And it's very important. It's not about truth. It's about hiding truth in a lot of respects. You know, there's the truth and then there's what we show to the world. For example, scary here. The truth of you is that you are a very kind, very warm, very optimistic person.

person, but the version of you that you choose to show to the world. This is acting right now. This bullshit that you're doing. Yes, exactly. Yes. I'm loving this performance for you. This is great. It's not a performance. This is how I really am. Everybody look at what Scary's doing. Look at the way that she's using her body to pretend that she's very closed off.

that she doesn't like anybody. Guys, let's get out of here. You'll remember that she hasn't been around for six months with that kind of clothing. It's very recent because she hates me and that's okay. There are things about me that she doesn't know. I have a very big secret that she will never know and that's what I'm going to talk to all of you about. There are secrets. There are many secrets that we all have.

Oh, I see Lincoln and Taylor have joined us. I was never here. No, it's okay. You guys are alive? Yeah, you guys are still at school? Oh my God! You guys are still at school? Yeah, we're still at school. Oh my God. I run up and hug both of them. Hey, we got like a bunch of Laffy Taffys. We didn't pay for Laffy Taffys. We went to another place. And I got some sodas. And hey, Scary, here's a black coffee and I sneak some sugar on the side. Hang on.

The way you like it. Uh, thanks. Everyone noticing that? She's pretending to like black coffee. No, I really like black coffee. That makes her seem like a hard ass. That's good. We call that business in acting. I understand it. It's very good. Norm, you wanted to ask the whale something? Let's go back to the headquarters and like... I mean, don't you want to see what your stepdad has to say? Like, you know, we're all kind of... Hey! Oh!

Oh, my God. This is Scary's dad. This is our stepdad. It's a pleasure to see you all again. I haven't seen you since you were very small. You're not seeing me now. Okay. If you say so, Taylor. Is Scary a hologram? Yeah, he's a hologram. Okay. Yeah, that's kind of his personality normally, too. It's like the hologram thing. That was an insult, by the way. We definitely got a lot to tell you, but maybe you want to learn more from your dad first. He opens his arms wide to the rest of the class. He goes, I'm going to use some more. Everybody...

Let's go ahead and fingers in the air's time for everybody except for the newcomers and scary and normal. Because I'm just going to say a lot of words that aren't going to make a lot of sense to you. Fingers in the air's quiet time. And everybody does very obediently because he's the nicest sub and everybody loves him. He goes, you are all, I assume, looking for an incursion point, a big pimple from which horrible things come out. Yes. I mean, yeah, that's kind of what we've been doing that. So if you would look in my office and he tries to open the door to...

the office of the drama teacher, but his hand goes through the cuisine. Oh, yeah, allow me. If you could, yes, thank you. And you open it and you see that inside is a big pimple that has already popped. And he goes, so, yes, you can see there the incursion point. It is a little too late. It has already happened. Wait, what came out? This incursion. See, this is great. That's doing research for a role. That's important that you understand. And Hermes is like, I am also here.

I've also, I didn't feel the need to plug my ears, so I would be happy to hear any information. But you felt the need to talk. Yes. Thank you. Oh, there she is. There she is. Something tells me that Hermie's going to be the second most popular actor here at Teen High if you keep up that kind of behavior.

Going for the Oscar this year, Scary? Is that what you're doing? No, I'm about to go for your Oscar if you keep fucking talking. Nice. Don't throw me with a good time. Oh, God. Sorry, continue. God, he's like impervious. Continue, Mr. Stampler. Oh, yeah, so something came out, something that is obviously connected to the doodler. And actually, you know what?

Hermie, I know, I'm so sorry, you've done a lot of work on your character work. Thank you. For the Joker, thank you. But I think it's a little passe.

Excuse me? No, it's just, I think we need to be practicing a new play that's a little bit more modern, something that's going to be more appealing to our students and something that can teach all of you really good lessons. So I'm going to go ahead and hand out these programs real quickly, these scripts. Go ahead and everybody take a script. And he hands out a bunch of different paper scripts. And he goes, this is based on another old license, but this one's a lot more easy to get financially. So you're going to be red, you're going to be yellow, you're going to be blue. Okay, so the play is Among Us. And...

You are all going to be playing the role of different members on the crew. So it's written by Samuel Beckett Jr. Jr. And it's very unusual. It's a little bit improvisational. When the play begins, you don't know who's who, which actually matches very well because whatever crawled out of that incursion point has already taken and turned into facsimile of one of you. So at least one of you, if not two of you, or maybe none of you, has been taken.

by a doodler thing and is a copy. So, to explain, meta-wise, I have contacted anywhere between zero, one, or two of the people in this room. What? No! Before this session. And I told them,

that they have been replaced by a doodlerized version. Terry also says, so don't worry, whoever's been replaced by a doodlerized version of themselves, they're safe somewhere. In order to keep the connection, they have to be conscious somewhere, sort of in a weird goopy pod. Wait, so one of our friends, wait. Is it like for sure one of us or could it be like one of the other students in the classroom? It's definitely one of you five.

Wait, so like if Scary was like... If it's anybody, it might be nobody. So like if Scary was like this thing, then like there's like... Okay, fine. Let's just put it all on me. If I'm one of those things, then like there's also a Link elsewhere that's like actually Link. Yes, there would be an actually Link in a pod. So we're all safe. Yes, you're all alive somewhere. Let's explore that. It's you, Link. Okay. It's like you're Dark Link. You're Dark Link. Yeah.

I don't even know because I stole, I stole, I stole candy. That's good evidence that it might be you. So here's the thing. The creature, the doodlerized mimic that is possessing you right now, because you're connected to it through a pod, through a little goopy pod, it is psychically connected to you. So it has all of your memories. It knows how you might react to things and everything that's happening to it right now. Your original body can hear and understand and will remember later on. Oh my God.

So here's what we're going to do zero of us if it's your of you are we then perhaps we've found a an interesting little story about the ways that paranoia can make us turn on one and Here's what here's what I did I assigned numbers to each of you I rolled a d6 and I signed one was Taylor to his link three was norm for scary five was her me and six was nobody and I rolled the dice twice and

So if I rolled the same person twice, that just meant it's just that one person. If I rolled twice, got two different people, that means two of you are things. So two sixes would have to be zero. Two sixes, there would be nobody at all. But I also did not tell you if anybody else was one of the things. The way Anthony said that means that he definitely contacted somebody. Well, I'm saying I would not have. Yeah, but I'm already playing the metagame, Anthony.

So here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. We're basically going to play an abbreviated version of Werewolf or Audio Among Us for our Zoomer fans who don't know what Werewolf is. Terry says, as somebody who's interested in all of you learning how to lie a little bit better to find the real truth and then be able to decide what element of that truth you show to each other to hide certain things, there may be a little daddy magic up for grabs here. So if the non-doodlers manage to vote out

the doodlerized version of one of you, if there is one, then they will all get an immediate level up with daddy magic. If there is no doodler and you all vote that there is no doodler, all of you get a level up. If you vote incorrectly and vote out the wrong person, if you vent them as it's referred to in the script, then the person who is doodlerized will get a level up. We are going to do three rounds of voting. So hypothetically, if the doodlerized person cannot get voted three times,

they would get three extra levels. Do you know who it is? Is this going to solve the incursion if we win? No, I truly do not. So we got to figure out which one of us or which one of you all is the doodler. And then if we beat them, we'll stop the incursion. Certainly, yes. But how can we know if someone has the sauce? Regardless of the fact that the doodlerized version of one of you has all the memories and all the abilities to react in certain ways, they are not essentially the same person. There are things that they might do or say or want that are not necessarily in keeping with the person that you know.

Just as one might when playing Werewolf or Mafia, the real truth that we're going to find is just once you start really scheming and really zooming in and interrogating one another. So to begin with, any good game of Among Us has a sheriff, and one of you is going to get to have some information on...

one of the other people. And I rolled before the game to find out which one of you would start as the sheriff. And you can also outvote the sheriff. You can decide somebody else should be sheriff in the next round. But unfortunately, I rolled and it was Hermie, which is me. And I already know who, or if not, is anybody else.

So I'm going to... So how good an actor are you, Anthony? That's the question. Yeah, yeah, how good is me? So what I actually want to do is I'm going to say... Wait, wait, wait, speaking out, if we win this, is this going to affect the incursion? If there is a doodlerized version and you successfully identify them as the doodlerized version, then that...

will then be an enemy that you can engage with and try to find a person they potted and you can track them down and defeat them and all that kind of stuff. Oh no, Anthony, what are you doing? Hermione's going to roll a d6 and he's going to see... My brain's already shifted. I'm already being like, is Matt already playing the metagame since the beginning? And now I can't get that question out of my head! What's awesome is I remember how good Will was at Among Us. I was terrible at Among Us! No, when you were

You were like the person. You were really good. And you're smiling. You're smiling. She's killing me. She's killing me. All right. Hold up. Hold up. She's setting me up. All right. This is good. This is good. Before we get into this. They started attacking me, which makes me think it was Freddy. Before we get into this. I hate social adoption games so fucking much. God damn it. Hermie says, ladies, ladies. Please. There's no need for all of us to.

Werewolf out. No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be in character anymore. We're not doing that play anymore. I'm so sorry. Hey, Hermes, I don't know, man. Me and Taylor were like together the whole time with the FBI and like... Yes, but that was off screen. How much time is one second now? Scary, scary. Team Huddle. One sec, guys. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Crazy. It's probably Hermes.

scary. We don't know where they went. They just got teleported into our room. They could have been, maybe their duplex are still over there, right? But like... Taylor's six foot three tall head is like just above your huddle, just like slowly rising up in the background. Yeah, but like, I didn't see you after the debate, I don't think. We spent every second together for the last three episodes. If I recall. Shit.

I heard a pee pattern that sounded very similar to normals. So I think you may have split up to go to the bathroom at some point. That's right. Yeah, who knows what happened? I know, but I just want number one in there. They can't make a copy of me the whole time just from going number one, can they?

I don't know. Guys, we can't let this already tear us apart. Let me just try something. There's a game that I play with my dad. It's called Bridge. It's really good at detecting each other. Just do me a favor. I'm going to look each of you in the eye and just tell me if you're an incursion person. We want timers on the voting round. So I'm going to say you get like 15 minutes per round. Okay.

So I'm going to start that now. I would actually push it even a little faster. Faster? So 10. 10, yeah. All right. So Terry Jr. says- Wait, maybe you just don't want to get interrogated. Yeah, why do you want the timer to be so fast? Terry Jr. says, this is drama. This is drama, everyone. Take your fingers out of yours, by the way, and just watch this happen. Everybody, 10 minutes on the clock for the first round. Let me just be quiet and talk to my friends. Okay, Taylor. That's Terry. That's Terry. We sound the same. The teacher and I understand each other very, very well. Let the students do our thing. Okay, Taylor. I am not. I am me. I am me.

I am Taylor. Okay. Now, Matthew here, Freddie. Yeah. Are you the incursion? No, I'm not. I've not gotten shit. Normally, right? No, it is normally. Are you the incursion person? I am not the incursion person. Okay. Now, Matt here. Fuck you. You paranoid piece of shit. I'm not dancing for you. I'm not being a little puppet, Matt. Really aggressive. Beth.

You know what? I wish I was the doodler, because then I would be like a cool badass person and not this person sitting here being fucking interrogated. But you are a cool badass person. Fucking... Did everyone hear that? She's actually, she has a lot of doubts about herself. Oh my God. Hey, Teach, we can use without the meta commentary. I wish I was the doodler so that I could just crush everybody. Hey, Teach, let her do her process, you jerk. I'm sorry, it's just something we relate to in terms of our feelings about her. No, go on, but...

Maybe what we gotta do is in the play... Shut your dick! Who are you talking to? The teacher. There's another really... His eyes get very wide and he writes your name down on a piece of paper for later. And I'm flipping him off because nothing matters anymore, baby. This is my last day of school, so who cares? Lesson of another classic play, the Hunger Games. And at the end, they don't play the game and they're like in a throne to eat their berries. How about we just like... We're all gonna have to fight this thing one way or the other as a team. Let's just hold hands and...

and just believe in all four of us and just whatever. Let's all play this stupid game. Or we can get like help or something. Like we can ask like the whale who's fucked up. To the whale. To the whale. The teacher's like, well, don't go.

Well, what if we do? Well, we can't leave the classroom. This is part of our process. We're exploring the dramatic space around us. Nice. Somebody roll persuasion if you want to. Or deception or whatever you want. Got six. What are they going to do? Stop us. I got two. So everybody got bad? Ooh, I got three. Okay, great. I got two. So Terry walks in front of the door with his fingers templated. He goes, I think the magic circle of drama. I walked with Terry. God damn it. Yeah, get him.

Get him, baby! You're going to be made up for this. I'll write you up. I'll have you all get expelled. This is not about it. The Magic Circle of Drama needs to stay here in this area. I stop the door. I say, wait. If we let it get out of this room, that means the imposter will be in the school at large. Then who knows what'll happen? It's just like in that play, The Thing. You remember at the end of the play where, like, if The Thing got out and infected the rest of the world, it could change everything? We know for sure that the imposter is in this room. Once he gets out that door, it could be anywhere. It could be anywhere.

Wait a minute. If you're the imposter, if you're the doodler, then maybe you want to be in this room for some reason. Wait, wait. Who was the one that suggested that we go back to the whale? It was me. Oh, so now you want to go into our headquarters? Is that what you're trying to do? Maybe the incursion was trying to get into that. It was trying to break into the headquarters. All right. Freddie speaking here. It is so hard to tell the difference between a Mads playing the game and fucking with us. Also, don't forget that Hermie is president and potentially one of the... Oh.

I forgot to ask you. Oh, did you now? Hey, look at me. I don't like making eye contact with people while recording this podcast. This is hard for me. Is it you, Hermie? No. Anthony, is it you? No.

I wasn't sexy! I was sexy. It was sexy. I didn't mean for it to be. That's why I never get to talk about it. I don't want to get you so horny you forget to do the podcast. Normal is like, we could go around with if, who, what, when, wherever, all ding-dang day long. We need hard evidence. And I walk over to the busted zit.

Okay. And I want to see if like, I don't know, there any gooey zip footsteps going anywhere. I'm investigating the area. Roll investigation. Yeah. Oh, shoe sizes, bro. Shoe sizes. Oh, I got a 17. So with a 17, you can see that whatever crawled out of here, walked on four feet, hunched over. And you can see the tracks lead from the office of the drama.

drama teacher out the door that you came in. How tall is that door? What's an average door for a school? Like seven feet tall, six feet tall, seven feet tall. So it walked out the door of the classroom. It walked out the door of the classroom, but started to kidnap somebody or to, you know, to potentially deuterize somebody. We've got a trail. I say we follow the trail, but everyone keep an eye on each other.

Yeah, we should always do that. We're a team. Yeah. Like a suspicious eye now. Should we potentially all hold hands? I vote for Harmie. Well, that seems unfair. I think we all hold hands and we walk down the hallway and we follow this trail. So who would like to hold hands with Harmie?

I'll hold hands with you, Hermie. Wait a second. I wrap my hand in my shirt and then I hold his hand. I don't know if I touch the bad guy, it'll get me. I put both my hands in my shirt and I grab Hermie's other hand and I grab Taylor's hand. I

I put my hands in my shirt, too, and I grab whoever's hands. I guess we're all doing this exact shirt move. So we all shirt walk down the hallway to follow the trail. So where are we going? Let's follow this. I don't know. Normally, you said you see a trail. Yeah, see this trail, this gooey barf trail on the ground? I'm surprised we didn't know that. I mean, the school's so gross most of the time anyway because stupid Vice Principal Tony Paparoni doesn't let me clean it because he says it's against labor laws, but, you know, whatever. Let's see where it goes. So I follow the trail. Okay.

So you walk outside of the classroom to the consternation of Terry Jr. He goes, I'm glad you're all, oh, I guess I'll come with you. So he just walks with you.

The whole class as well, because they've been told to observe our process. Actually, everybody fuck. You know what? Yeah, let's move with the scene. Let's be moving. Let's go ahead and experience the energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody put on these creepy fuck masks. Okay, so I feel like it is fair that if one of you is doodlerized, that they would want to do something to...

Maybe distract or like fuck up the trail or something like that. And I feel like they should have an excuse to do that. But they also shouldn't have to be like, I'm going to do that because then you know who they are. So what I would like everybody to do is if you could all close your eyes and roll a die. And then I'm going to just go around and see what everybody's die rolls are. And if one of the doodler eyes people rolled well. One of them? Then something. One of them? Or I don't know. Or maybe just one or maybe none. Two people rolled well.

Then something will have happened. It has to be two people. One of them is definitely Freddie. Statistically, it's very likely it's two people. It's not me. I think it's Freddie too. No, it's not me. I do think it's Freddie. That's for sure, Matt. Literally every time I play, it's Matt. Every time I play, it was Will. Everybody go ahead and close your eyes. Roll your die. I'm going to walk around real quick and see what everybody rolled.

Okay, as you are all holding hands, moving. We're not technically, we're holding shirts. You're holding shirts. Wait a second, I've got three hands holding my shirt. The other two hands you didn't even see coming. That was good. I love Jurassic Park. Even as you're being followed by the entire class that's going like, wow, wow, wow, really interesting technique here. Suddenly, the trail stops fucking dead. Goddamn.

The trail ends here. Where did it end in front of? It just ends in the middle of the street because I'm going to tell you straight up. There was a die roll. That was a 20. That was a 20? That was a natural 20. There is no trace of where this fucking thing went. And now we are at the end of round one.

Dungeons and Dimes is brought to you this week by Blue Nile. Blue Nile. You saw me standing alone. Blue Nile. Dulcet tones over there. The road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories or can be short and thrilling or anything in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring, straightforward path. As the Nazgul flies. Doesn't...

All you got to do is head over to BlueNile.com. On BlueNile.com, you can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. Blue Nile's the original online jeweler since 1999. Dog since Pets.com, dude. The Pets era. Since the Pets.com era. But they survived because they were committed to ensuring. You know why? Because Blue Nile wasn't out there posting up Super Bowl ads, burning through all their liquid capital. They're too busy ensuring that the highest ethical standards are met.

observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. And in most cases it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns so you can make sure your ring is the one ring. Here's how you know they're killers over at Blue Nile.

They started in 1999, one of the greatest years in video game history of all time, and they were able to focus and make a company while games like Heroes of Might and Magic 3, System Shock 2, Final Fantasy 8, Age of Empires Dose, dude. All these games were coming out, and they were still making...

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, Beth. It was coming out that year. Okay, now I'm interested. Because you want that love to last forever. Unlike video games, you get guaranteed service. Like my love of EverQuest and Driver. And Repair. Which came out in 1999. For life. The greatest year of my life. Right now, get 30% off select lab-grown diamonds at BlueNile.com. Plus, use code DUNGEONS to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code DUNGEONS at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Planescape Torment.

That game rules. Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. Bespoke. It's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collection. Oh, my God. Okay, so, like, you know in Dune they have the Box of Pain? Yeah. That's, like, the opposite.

of the Box of Awesome. Oh my God. I put my hand in and what do I get? You get pleasure. Whether you want to drink or eat more awesome, dress and travel more awesome, or explore more awesome, the Box of Awesome has it covered. Go to boxofawesome.com. Take that quiz. Your answers help them pick the right Box of Awesome for you. Free to join. New items every month. The only quiz you can't fail. Not!

what's your favorite beautiful post dude hey can i tell you about the one i just got bro i just got a whiskey nosing kit it's like you could burn stuff and get your nose up to date with whiskey dude i got i didn't just get a gift i got an opportunity they gave me the reason finally a reason to buy two

fucking watches because I got, check this out, I got a little drawer that's got two little poles on it to hold watches and then an acrylic cover to protect those watches. The mahogany. And I got it. I was like, this is the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen. I don't have watches, but I need watches. Was it in black or mahogany, bro? It was, oh,

It was mahogany. You got the mahogany drop. And that fucking decided what sort of watches I bought. And I don't want to say how much I spent on watches, but it was thousands. But it was fucking worth it to make this beautiful case. The display case, dude. You can't have that case and not let it fucking do what it was born to do. You can't let that beautiful fucking piece of boutique furniture just sit there on your fucking counter without watches on it. My God.

It's incredible. I don't think I'll ever wear those watches, but I'm looking at them every day. When you become a member, you have access to stellar discounts across a plethora of products. We're talking about 30% off or more sometimes. Plus, with each Box of Awesome, you're supporting small businesses. 90% of everything that comes in your Box of Awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand. Free to sign up, skip a month, or cancel any time. Get 15% off your first box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code DUNGEONS at checkout. That's BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS for 15% off your first box. BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS.

They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details. You're going to vote for one person to get rid of and you will be informed if all the imposters are gone having gotten rid of that person. If there are any imposters remaining at all, the game will continue. Is this a binding vote like they're out? If they're out? It just means that the doodlerized person or persons get an extra... Let's vote for Hermie. Let's vote for Hermie first. Why? Why? Because it's just as much chance as Hermie. Worst case scenario, Hermie levels, who fucking cares? I was like on your side until right now.

- Wait, why? Wait, why would he vote for somebody else? I mean, I think it's definitely one of us. I think it's probably Freddie, but like, I'm just saying as a group. - I'm gonna go three, two, one, and you're gonna point at who you're voting for and majority rules, that person's voted out. They still get to talk, they still get to accuse. - Okay. - Everybody fingers up. Three, two, one, vote. There are-- - I'm voting for no one. - Okay, Will's holding a zero up. Everybody else is pointing at me. I pointed at Freddie. I, Hermie, the unworthy, pointed at Freddie. Hermie goes,

I guess I'm not as good an actor as I thought when it comes to telling the truth, because the truth is I am not a doodler thingy. What was the one thing that you saw was that the steps led out of the drama club where I have been the entire time? Why would it leave the drama club to kidnap somebody who was already there? You buffoons, Philistines. I just want you to know I didn't vote for you because I, I can't believe it was any of you. Hermione.

I just want to do the night. I feel like I would know if my friends were my friends. I don't even know who I am anymore. So if you're telling me I can't trust who I am and I can't trust who you are, what can I trust anymore? I got to trust in something and I'm trusting this team. I'm zero all the way. So we got seven minutes and 30 seconds. I want you to know that I voted for you because I think you're a little fucking butthole. Uh,

Well, I think in the words of Shakespeare's sonnet number 52, it takes one to know one. I mean, I voted for you because like, these are my three really good friends. I don't really know you. And like, I don't know, there was no consequence for voting for you. So like, it means that somebody else got a potentially some levels, but whatever. Terry Jr. says, this is great. We're learning a lot about each other. So you have seven minutes left for the second round. Go ahead and keep talking. There's a, yeah, go ahead. Beth, are you? I am not. And I'm,

Matt came out hard. Very fucking suspicious of you, by the way. No, I just want to point out that Matt has been saying nonstop that I came at him hard. I haven't come at anybody. I haven't said shit. He is immediately throwing me under the bus. The first thing you said was, oh my. Matt really made me suspicious with the move with Hermes. Why with Hermes?

Because if he was one, he would point to anyone else. He would try and direct the vote. The reason I did it is because it doesn't matter if we do Hermie. But also, like, if Anthony was one of the characters, I mean, what would Anthony do? Anthony's not going to be like, I'm very suspicious. Like, I'm Hermie. Oh, wait, wait, wait. And, Frank, just so you know, if you're not the thing, but the reason you came out hard is the first thing that happened before we were even, like, in the realm of life. This is hell. This is why we don't play with these guys. Let me finish. Well, it's hell because you're one of the guys. The only reason...

I said you came out hardest because before Anthony even explained that we're doing the whole mafia thing, the first thing you did was, oh my God, I'm already thinking that's the person. That's the first thing that I said even before the rules. I would like to make a request that you keep the remainder of the argument in character as much as you can. Yeah, that makes sense. Well, in character, I think zero, all of us. Everyone, stand back. And I cast detect good and evil.

Okay. Okay. What's your spell called? Because I have divine sense. What's yours? Detect good and evil. No. I'm going to cast divine sense. And I want to see if anyone's giving off evil auras. I hope I'm giving off evil auras.

But not really. You know, I think just meeting your stepdad, I feel like I'm getting a better picture of who you are. Yeah, a lot of stuff's starting to make sense. Come into focus, so to speak. That's not even true. You know, I like you for who you are, like, just anyway. You have no idea who I am. Nobody does. Yeah, that's cool as hell. I just like even the tip of the iceberg that I see, and I'm sure the rest is great, too. I just want you to know that. So what I'm going to say is...

Both Divine Sense and Detect Good and Evil are going to allow you to know how many there are. Ooh. How about that? Yeah, that's great. Okay. Well, there's one. That means it's one of us. I mean, one of you. You just said us. I mean, one of us, the four of us. But one of you, because it's not me. Look. Wait a minute. What? Link, why did you want to steal those Laffy Taffys, man? Yeah, Link, that's real out of character. You stole Laffy Taffy?

Yeah, why, man? Because, man. And now nobody's laughing. My whole life has been, like, you know, doing what my dad said and, like, believing, like, the adults know what they're talking about. But, like, look, like, Ms. Hale's useless. My dad's are useless. My dad killed people. And then, like, the FBI was in the FBI and they tried to kill us. And I don't know. It's just like I just wanted a Laffy Taffy. And, like, normally I'd be like, that's not my Laffy Taffy. I don't have money for it. I gotta save up for that. But, like, why do I have to save up for that? I don't know. I just wanted to eat it. And then I felt

bad afterwards. I didn't even know why I gave you. You ate it. That's right. I ate it and it was delicious. You ate the stolen knife? Oh yeah, it makes sense. Are you kidding? Yeah, no, that checks out. I don't know how to figure this out. What do we do? Terry Jr. says, perhaps talking about your desires, your motivations, your feelings. Oh God. Maybe if we all kind of spill our guts a little bit, it'll expose some critical flaw. Taylor, why don't you start? Why don't you share a little bit? Well, I met my dad, you guys. Yeah? You met your dad? How did you feel about that? It was

Pretty wild. And it was pretty jacked up. It hasn't been seen my whole life. And then he came back to tell me that I was right the whole time. I am the chosen one and I need to disappear from my life. Henceforth, this will be my last day in school. And the rest of you, this will be the last time we hang out together.

because it's a life of hiding. So you're saying you've got nothing to lose by never seeing us again. Well, I'm supposed to go into a solitary life of the Ronin, a life of hiding, drifting amongst the crowds, almost like Richon, the anime superhero. Are you going to leave us? I put my hand on Link's shoulder. It's not that I want to, my friend, but I have to. And you'll have to all probably come with me too, because if I'm going out on the run, they're going to come after you next. I'm afraid that. All right. Well,

What? I feel I had more monologue. OK, we only have a couple of minutes, though, so I got more just to put a pin in that one. Everyone knows exactly who we are, though. Like, so act just like us. That's like my only I'm not to say like, you know, it's great that we all discuss our feelings. We could do that. But like the zit, like, you know, why don't we just all like put our faces really close? Because like if you are

from that zit it's probably not gross or it's like me like I'd throw up if I get too close to it like maybe we all just like you want us to all put our faces near the zit yeah it's like the thing you know like I'm just trying to think of like no you're right because I bet that if we eat the zit juice it'll taste really gross oh no and the one who it doesn't taste gross for maybe they'll barf

Okay, let's all eat the zit juice. No! You're just trying to make us all doodlerized. No, that's not how that works. How do you know how it works? Look, if we all eat the zit juice, a normal person would throw up. This is disgusting. I'm not doing it. I'm walking to eat the zit juice. I'm not doing this shit. I walk and I put my finger in it and I lick the juice. Okay, roll constitution. Eleven.

Are you trying to throw up or not? Are you trying to keep it down or trying to throw it up? You're just trying to see what will happen when you ingest it. I mean, me, I'm saying that as a person who's not the incursion person, I think if I ate the juice, it'd make me throw up. Okay, so yeah, you put it in your mouth and with an 11, it's all over you. Oh, God. That's the worst thing I've ever tasted. Time is up now. Terry is like, this is great. Ooh.

Look, he's look how dedicated this man is to his role. Now it is time to vote once again. Also, I think you actually have everything you need for Code Purple. So good for all of you. Wait, what? Yes. It's time to vote. Wait, we can save our dads right now. What are you talking about? We'll talk about it after the show. No, but that's the only thing. OK, that'll be the epilogue. Let's just get through this thing. Fingers up. I look at Lincoln's barf to see if there's Laffy Taffy in it. There's not. I didn't eat any shit. That's wrong. Damn it.

Bro, you almost had it, dude. You almost had such a fucking galaxy break. Dude, next try, Doro. That would have been good. All right, sorry. You see? Guys, okay, well, none of you ate the zit juice before we voted. Just don't vote for anybody yet. All right. Don't get rid of any of our friends. Fingers up, please. Three, two, one, vote. Why are you pointing at me? Because I don't want to... I'm out. You cannot point at me anymore. I know.

Herbie is like, what are you doing? I wasn't sure. Lincoln, why are you obsessed with me, Lincoln? Is there something you want to tell me, Lincoln? Oh, man. Everybody vote again. Point out who you voted for. I didn't vote for anybody. Can you vote for zero? I voted for nobody. Yes, you can vote for zero. Yes, you can vote for zero. Yes, Lincoln, you can vote for zero. Okay, zero. I voted for...

Scary voted for Freddie. Freddie. Scary's pointing at Taylor. Taylor. Scary? But why? I don't think you're Taylor. Why don't you think he's Taylor? Why doesn't she think you're you? What's going on? Why? There's just a feeling I get that you're not telling me the truth. I can't believe...

I'm me. I'm Taylor. I've been Taylor this whole time. Terry, you just gotta walk over to Hermes. That'd be a deal. Hermes puts his arm around you and says, it's okay. They'll come around. They'll learn the value that we bring to this group dynamic sooner or later. But all of you are once again incorrect. They were supposed to be my sidekicks. Oh, well. Looks like they've unionized. Then what am I without the sidekicks? Wait, can I take my bow back? If you're looking for a new sidekick, I think I might know someone for the job. Are you referring to yourself, Hermes? Hmm.

Maybe. And you're not, like, totally peeved that I voted for you in round one? Bygones and bygones, my friend. Oh, hell yeah, my new dude. And I fucking preb or high-five Hermie, my new best friend. Ow. I squat down and look at the barf. So just so you know, we're in the final round, and this is going to be five minutes only. Okay. Just each of you, you two, especially you, Scary, I'm not saying it's your fault that you voted for, like, just... No, it's, like, my fault. Can you eat the barf? Eat the zit juice. It's just gross. Why? This is... What the fuck are you talking about, Matt? I did...

Freddy, you're dead now. Nobody's dead. He's just in the classroom. Wait, can we find out if Freddy was... Yeah, the game is still going, which means it was not Freddy. It was not Taylor. Terry Jr. says no, no, it was not. It was not Taylor. Okay, just explain to me the logic as your character is why, like, the encouraging person would probably not throw up if they ate Zichu's. If you guys think that's weird, then that's fine. What would stop the person from just throwing up? Yeah. Can you just throw up on...

Can you throw up? Yeah, without putting your finger around it, just throw up. What do you mean? Who throws up on command? To be fair, Hermes says the way you described it was that you put pus on your finger, put your finger in your mouth, and then throw up. Yeah, because it's disgusting. Oh, I didn't. Did you watch me? You could have staged a throw up. Okay, here, here. I take some and I drip it. I drip it into

into my mouth so my fingers don't near it. Roll constitution again. Do I want high if I want to throw up? If it's high, you won't throw up. And I'm mentally putting a bonus in if you are dude-lerized. Okay.

Okay, I got 15. You don't throw it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are we supposed to make of that? I don't know, man. Maybe you're trying to get rid of the evidence. Look, it's really weird to me that neither of you, I just did this twice for us because I care about us as a group and one of you is like not my friend anymore so just can't either of you do it? Anyway, he was acting real fucking strange, my man. I'm trying to hurt me. Scary. Do you regret voting for Taylor? Well, kind of now that I figured out he wasn't the doodler but I still had a weird feeling

feeling about him. I have a weird feeling about him. Ladies, get used to that weird feeling about me. So it's metal to like, why won't you just take a thing of zit juice? I think he's working really hard to convince us that the zit juice is something we should eat. I think we're getting kind of gaslit here into doing something that... Okay, to be clear, just... Well, how do we know that the zit juice doesn't make you the thing? Then please come up with another... We only have so many minutes. Don't do a COVID

70 test by licking a big pile of COVID-70 and vomiting. You said you hated this. I'm the only person trying to... Then come up with it here. I'll be quiet. Come up with another solution. I'm the only one who came up with a plan. Are there security cameras in the school? Yes. Okay, I would like to... Because we're in future hell, America. These cameras have been recording 24-7. Maybe we can see something on the school security footage to figure out what happened with the doodler. Like, wait, there's a camera pointed at that room. We'll see the thing come out of it. Potentially, yeah.

How do I do that? We're just going to see it go to where the trail stopped anyways. But that was sabotage. What? It was sabotage. I got to vote for one of you at this point. You can head to the, you can head to the. And you're not, neither of you want to do the plan. So like my own thoughts, both of you. Yeah, of course it's gross. The fact that you think it's gross is making me feel like maybe. I'm just throwing it out here. I'm going to go to the off. Everyone follow me.

And if you want to figure this out, right? This seems like a plan. Wait, where are you going? We're talking at the security footage. That's all I'm saying. I'm sorry, Normal. I'm going to try to shove zit juice into Normal's mouth. Wow. What? It's Sam. It's not me. I'm the only person trying to do something. I'm the only person trying to figure it out.

I just can't believe it. Both of you rolled strength in the comparison. I thought it was you, but now I'm... I got a seven. I got an eight. Okay, so both of you weakly slap at each other. And it barely just drips into your mouth, just a little bit of in your mouth. Go ahead and roll a constitution. I got a 12. Okay, so with a 12, you vomit.

I barf in your face. I say, are you happy now? Okay, really quick. Did it turn into an incursion person? No. So like whatever I was doing was not some weird thing to make you an incursion person. I'm just trying to see if you threw up. Do you understand? Like if this was some other plan to get you zit juice, that would be the thing. But nothing happened. It still seems pretty rowdy, dude. It is rowdy, but like I'm scared. Can we please just go check the freaking security footage? I'm sure. Okay, I'll do your thing. Okay.

So you show up at the office and Pepperoni Tony is sitting at the front desk of the office going, I can't believe I have to be the fucking office receptionist too because everybody's quick. Oh, whoa, whoa, there's a lot of you. What's going on? Why is there a field trip today? What's up? Hello, everyone. Tony Pepperoni, this is school emergency. I need to look at the security camera. Go ahead and roll something.

Persuasion. I got a 22. Wow. 22. He goes, oh, of course. There's an immediate prank emergency. I think someone wrote Tony Pepperoni sucks and gets cut by his neighbor. And he just, Vince McMahon walks to the surveillance camera.

And you can see a blur coming out of the theater department. He's switching between the different. Where the fuck is that graffiti of me? I don't suck at all. Simultaneously, you can see normal and scary are leaving the debate room.

And then around the similar time, like a couple minutes later, you see Link and Taylor pulling up in the pussy wagon in the driveway. And immediately pepperoni's like, what is that? That is inappropriate. That's my new ride, motherfucker. That's your detention. A hundred detentions. That's completely inappropriate. This is my last day. I'm putting in my eight hours of notice.

that's not how this works. I just came back because it was a pizza day. You see the blur. Good school lunch. Sort of look to its left and look to its right. And to its left are normal and scary. And to its right are Link and Taylor in the parking lot. And it looks and it hesitates for a second and it heads to the left towards normal and scary. Now...

Oh, no. Put your fingers up. Oh, my God. I'm going to count down from three. Madden is the deciding factor. There's no way it's not bad. Holy shit. Three, two. Will and Beth will vote for each other. Madden's the deciding vote. Three, two, one, vote. Link votes for scary. So Terry Jr. puts his hands to his chin. I don't trust Will, but I'm just taking this from the vomit thing. And he says, I think we've learned a lot here today. Oh, no. I do. So I wanted to

Say that I'm very, very proud of all of you. Oh my God. Scary, if you actually are in there, I get why you find him annoying now. I'm not usually like this. I'm also being messed up by Doodler stuff. This is the way I can connect and maintain some sort of sanity as it's being slowly sapped away by the world that I'm in. I just want you to know, Scary, that I love you very, very much. If you can hear me in there.

I just want you to know that I'm not like the other girls. And in that moment, Scary splits open down the middle like a zipper. Where is Scary? And inside is a writhing tentacle mass of horror and saliva and slime. Our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell my

it'll be alive let me sleep at night one knows me better tomorrow

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Trailer voices were Tim Wells and Amanda Schuckman. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Totax Wilder provided a name we used in this episode. Some of the fine patrons who support our show.

people with names like carolyn emily scott michael cash keifer mawier andrew strother albert treat saturn sagal isaiah karen mcleod brian erickson kinson jenkins joan rolston brian genera savvy hannah kohai ezra eels corey richardson andrew cox and emily stotherd you can directly support the show and get ad free episodes at patreon.com dungeons and dads you can also get sons and sons ability episode 3 the finale which is coming out later on this month

The thrilling conclusion to our Regency-era madcap comedy romance one-shot that released on our Patreon as a stretch goal. Here's a little audio snippet to convince you it's funny and that you want to listen to it. Oh, Warrior! Warrior, you're being summoning! Didn't Warrior die? Wait, Warrior fucking died. Unless... Sorry. Well, unless... Unless... Unless... Oh, I forgot that you were okay!

No. No, that's not what I was looking at you for. You can support the show starting at just $5 a month and in return receive hours and hours of bonus content. There's rap albums. There's live shows. There's one-shot campaigns. There's more bonus content than you can even shake a stick at. So take whatever sticks you have to shake at things and bring them over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads.

You can support the show in other ways, too, by the way. We have merch at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our website is at dungeonsanddaddies.com. Twitter, Dungeons and Dads. Subreddit, Dungeons and Daddies. Next episode's coming out Tuesday, June 28th. We will see you then.

No, I'm not sorry I didn't ask your name. I don't care about your name, but I'm kind of curious. What's your name? I have it written down. Just give me two seconds. That's a weird thing. I thought that was funny.