S2 Ep. 10 - Dad Me To Hell
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That's $50 off with code LISTEN at BlueNile.com. Dungeons & Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

One hot sexy death, hunts of skin in this hand. Demons straight from hell, burning rage cannot quell. Nicolás! Nicolás! See how the bodies fall, save the sun, kill them all.

P-I-H-Q, see the plans and let's queue. Nicholas! Nicholas! Bob with a word. Lincoln is gone. Back in the car.

♪ Father and son ♪ ♪ They call us ♪ ♪ What you callin' sexy dad ♪ ♪ Hot to see in his happy gone ♪ ♪ Straight from hell, working great, cannot dwell ♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the story of four teens searching for their lost dads in a world forever changed after their granddads unleashed an eldritch god and fucked shit up. That's right. We swear on this podcast.

You didn't think that we did, but we're allowed. We're recording this after 9pm, which means the swears can be done. We're allowed to. The kids are in sleep. Explicit tag. Careful, Tipper Gore. Yippee-ki-yay, Melon Farmer. Tread softly, faithful traveler, for swears abound. Are you ready to have fun with a stranger in the Alps? My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the cool ranger teen, anime-loving survivalist of the group. Taylor's Teen Fact this week...

we left Taylor in the lurch a little bit, the driver's seat of a car. But luckily, Taylor is a little bit familiar with the driver's seat of a car because despite the world having like self-driving cars and all that stuff, Taylor asked and bothered his mom enough so that she got him a full iRacing rig in the garage. Oh, God. You know what I'm talking about? Like those like, where it's like as he slows down, it like tips forward to give him the momentum and stuff. Like a

full-on rig. The more you do your facts, the less good of a mom she becomes is the problem. When Anthony's with her, she's a good mom, but then the more you talk, it's like, oh, she just spoils you. It just gives you everything you want. Now, here's the funny thing about this setup. Because the setup is, you know, this crazy thing in the garage, she has to park in the driveway of her own home.

Taylor's used this. Anthony, I command you to remove this the first time we go back to Taylor's house. She has thrown this shit out. Taylor has used this thing four times. Yeah. Because only one game works with it. It's really hard. It's hard. And he can't win all the time. He can't play Mario Kart on it. Yeah. Because the game's not fun. Yes.

It's like, it's just not a fun game. So Taylor knows his way around a race car. Good. You're not going to be able to roll for that later. You're not going to be able to do with advantage because you have iRacing because you only play it four times. Yeah. And it's not a... No, no, no. I do have slight advantage if we happen to be at Laguna Seca. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

If Taylor gets into an F1 car. Yeah. If our adventures ever wind this way up to Monterey, California, where Laguna Sica is, Taylor's going to be like, I know this course kind of. Hey, everybody. This is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson. Well, howdy, Matthew Arnold. Well, howdy.

That's right. Go to Patreon to check out our sons and sons ability. Where Matt plays a cowboy. Cowboy. But not on this show. This show, I play a schooled at home sports kid named Lincoln Lee Wilson. And okay, so quick fact, maybe the last fact of Lincoln. Yes, that's true. That's true. Yeah, I thought we just kind of had to jump ahead to like the big question stuff. Just really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it out of the way. Answer the question about what happens after you die. Yeah, so Lincoln just does not believe in God. I just want to know.

He's an atheist? He's just, well, I don't know if he's that strong about it. It's just so like when it was brought up, like Grant and Marco were like, you know, they explain like people have different beliefs and so forth and so on. There's no pressure, whatever works for you, whatever you want to believe in, that's fine. Good dads. Yeah. Obviously Daryl's like, you know, pro God and everything. So, so, so link, you know, I'm firmly pro God.

So Lincoln was kind of going back and forth and he dabbled in religion when, when Chelsea was in the championship. So he's praying for the team. Yeah. He's praying for, he's praying for the team. Can we all try this? You know, there's no atheist in a foxhole or in a championship watching a championship game. And,

And not only did Chelsea lose, but his favorite star player broke his leg and was out for three seasons. So he said either there is no God or if there is a God, he's cruel. So that's it. I just don't believe in God anymore. You don't? Yeah. So that's it. So hopefully.

So really don't feel sad if he dies because this, you know, because there's nothing for Regina Spector wrote the song about you, didn't she? I don't get that reference. I'm sorry, Beth. Well, now, you know, I feel half the time. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal oak, perky, plain, peppy, Jane, chipper, every cheery day, school garden, spirit, variety, mascot, ordinary teen.

He's really got his shit together. He's confused. Normal's got stuff going on. That debate really uncorked some things and some feelings. And in honor of Normal's identity crisis, I thought I would reveal Normal's real first name. What? A lot of people have been like, is it short for something? Is it really normal? And they're right. It's not really normal. That's wild.

Wild. Normal's full name is Normally Oak. You fucker. You little fucker. I can't believe this. You son of a bitch. The mood in the room just collapsed. It's like what his mom calls him when she's really mad at him. Like, Normally Oak Swallows Garcia. You know, like that kind of thing. That's a whole sentence. I support you. That's a good one. That's a whole sentence. You really got me. That's an unfortunate sentence given how aggressive his grandparents were sexually. Yeah.

Normally, Bugs Walls Garcia. Wow. Hi. Okay. I'm Beth May. I play Scary Marlo, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks.

So last episode, Link shared his birthday, which I believe was like June something. To follow that up, I just thought that I'd share Scary's astrological sign. So she was born in November, which would normally make her a Sagittarius, but she actually subscribes to a different kind of Zodiac. Oh, no. If you count

the zodiac using a celestial planisphere, you see that between November 30th and December 18th, the sun occupies a less famous constellation, Ophiuchus, the serpent bearer. Ha ha ha ha!

Like somebody who bears serpents? Yeah. Serpent bearer, snake charmer. The 13th. I'm looking this up right now. This is like, this is hilarious. I knew it. She's such an Ophiuchus dude. What are the personality hallmarks of an Ophiuchus? Well, I mean, like, it's just,

kind of different from everybody else. You know, it's just like, a lot of people fall into like one of the 12, you know, and like, you know, normally so would she, but she's just not kind of like other people. She's just different. And so, um, she's just a lot like everybody else that was born in those 20 days. Right. I mean, maybe if like you can find those people, but, uh,

like pretty unique actually. When you said that you followed a different Zodiac, I thought you were about to pivot into like, she's really into following serial killers. Yeah. That's her sort of whole thing. This like is demoralizing. That would be such a better choice for

me. I think that's a bad choice. I don't know if it's a scary choice. According to the internet, they are described as insightful and curious and seekers of wisdom and knowledge. Open to change and easily bored with routine. Well, no. Like, she's not like that. Well, that was just a description of the Zodiac killer. Yeah. All right. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey.

Hey, Pops. My rad fact is that in high school, my favorite video game was Shadow of the Colossus for the PS2. Ah, yeah, good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Real good one. I don't have a fun, embarrassing one. I just loved one of the best games ever made, and I still do. The last time that we left our intrepid teens, the party had already been split, and then it split a second time in their attempt to escape from the final Boreanaz initiative. Boreanaz. Want to try that one again? Not really. Okay.

We've cut it down to the last time I tried it, but I tried it about five times and all those other four times they were also bad. So this is the best one you get. But as they were trying to leave the FBI, Nicholas Foster, who told Taylor that he was his father, broke them out, gave a ring of swapping to Taylor. Taylor gave that ring of swapping to Link and Link used that to swap places with an incapacitated Nicholas Foster. So right now in this particular moment,

A bunch of FBI agents just fired at our good boy, Link. And in the parking lot, Taylor's in the driver's seat of a car, their getaway car, and Nicholas Foster is in the getaway seat. Meanwhile, back at the school, the debate between the mayor and our perky, peppy, chipper, normal, many things boy. The teen of many things. As well as Scary Marlo had completed and unresolved.

I transcribed all of the things that you had said in the debate, showed it to everyone I knew that did not listen to the podcast. I can't believe you did this. Yeah, this is wild. And then had them decide which side had won. And then I'm going to modify some dice rolls and stuff based on that. So my first question for all of you is, which of these three thrilling subplots would you like to jump into first? Link or...

Nick and Taylor or Scary and Norm. If this was an episode of 24, you know they would have the guy that seemingly got shot at the end of the last episode and they would hold off till the very end of the next episode to resolve that cliffhanger. The question is, do we want to do the audience dirty like that? I care more about the debate right now.

now. I want the debate. Matt and I had to go first last time, so we have to do the debate first this time. You guys get to choose. That's actually how Kiefer Sutherland did 24. He was like, I already did it first time last time, so it has to be about the other part. Yeah, I kind of want to see, mostly because I'm just very curious about it. I really just want to know what your friend said about their arguments. Okay. This podcast seems real stupid.

These are friends of mine that have good enough judgment to have never started listening to my podcast. So bless them. Smart people. Yeah, no, they know what they're doing. I'm only going to use their first names just to protect their anonymity. I'm going to look them up and hurt them. The class murmurs amongst themselves as your closing arguments come to an end. You get the feeling that

Not as many people in the classroom have not listened to Dungeons and Daddies as I thought. I only found three people in my circle of friends that don't listen. Not because I have a lot of friends or that they listen to a lot. I just don't know anybody. I don't know anybody outside of my work, except for these three people. Uneven number, though. So that's good. It is. The way that I was going to plan to do this was if the majority of outside witnesses believe that the players won the nurture argument. No, we were nature. Yeah, we were nature. So we were nurture. Shh.

You were nature. So to remind everybody, scary and normal, we're arguing in favor of nature as being the more dominant thing that determines. Doing it really well. Doing so good. Sure. Because we were born to argue well about nature. Yeah, we were. We were born. It's in our nature. Can we get points now? Can we still have extra points? No. Call up the three friends that you have. Yeah, put them on speakerphone.

I don't really, they're not real. I don't have friends. Basically, if the majority of the witnesses believe that the players won, you would get advantage on all the roles. I had you each roll persuasion every time you finished an argument. And so I would basically say, cool, I'll take the higher of those two roles between normal and scary. If the majority believe that the mayor won, then I would give you disadvantage on those roles. And if it was close, I would just do the median between those two roles. So because there's only three people, I consider that to be close. Yeah.

Because it was not a shutout. It was two to one? Shut the fuck up, Matt. Split decision, dude. Split decision. That's close. My friend Jin thought that Nurture won pretty handily. Sounds like it should be your enemy, Jin. I mean, she's certainly your enemy. Jen thought that Nurture almost lost it in the very end.

because of the crappy argument I made that you immediately picked up on, Will, which was that I was basically arguing for nature without realizing it, but that the opening arguments were too strong, so she went with nurture. And then Matt... Hey, guys. You're welcome. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Maddox, she doesn't listen to the show. I'll just give you his whole thing because it's actually really well thought out. I know. Again, it's not you. He said, both sides are well argued as I feel it's kind of the young thing to side with nature and an older thing to look back and see the external influences in one's life. But I give it to the teens by a hair because of the mayor's hiccup and thinking that her nature is that of being an angry, bitter person toward her mom when that was due to a lack of nurture, which I believe also falls into the nature category.

Also, if I were a teen classmate, I'd side with the nobody's made me who I am side more than the you are the cosmic culmination of all your experiences camp. And then there's the free za, which is basically high school Shangri-La.

So that's why Matt voted for the players. Matt came through in the clutch, but not enough. So basically, you had some rolls, and then the mayor had some rolls. The mayor's rolls I just took straight up, and your rolls, I found the median between your two rolls. So for the first argument, one of you rolled a 17, one of you rolled an 18, so I just rounded up to 18. For the second argument, one of you rolled a 21, and one of you rolled a 3, which medians out to a 12. Okay.

And then for the final argument, one of you rolled a 14 and one of you rolled a 20, which medians out to a 17. Centrism does work. So adding all that together, you got a 47. And then the mayor, Lister, you can imagine how this is playing out like diegetically in the space.

They all did the silent juror thing where you fucking put your pass or fail or whatever and then put it into a box or whatever and then kind of get these votes. And the box is decorated. Right. The mayor rolled an 18, a 15, and a 19. So your final score was 47 and the mayor's final score was 52.

Can I roll sleight of hand to juice this thing with some paper votes? You want to key swan this sheet? I want to stuff this ballot box real quick. Okay, go ahead and roll sleight of hand with disadvantage because everybody's looking at you. Scary, we're going to blow this. We got to stuff some ballots in this thing. Debates are like whatever. The real debate is like, do you guys want to look over there or over here at me where I'm doing something cool? Don't look over there, that's for sure. What's the cool thing? You got to give me a cool thing to look at. I'm singing...

I don't need to look at you to sing. That's terrible. No, I'm singing. I'm doing some poetry. I also don't need to look at you to hear poetry. Also terrible. Deception with disadvantage. If you succeed, then nobody will be looking at Link. Who's counting the ballot boxes? Because that's the only person you have to distract. Cool, that's a six. They're ignoring you. And the person counting the ballots, which is Normal's mom, is definitely focused on the box. So if you want to try to sneak something out from your mom...

I don't think there's a human being in the planet better suited to noticing you trying to do something shady. You will roll a disadvantage. I already rolled and I got a six. Okay. So she goes, what are you doing? Mom, mom, me. What are you doing? Are you trying to put what's on your hand? Show me your hand. Show me what's on your hand. I just, these are on the floor and I wanted to put them in because they were on the floor. They were on the floor. Okay. Oh, well they all say you, huh? Every single, in your handwriting, all the same. No, no,

I know what your handwriting looks like. I taught you penmanship. I taught you cursive because I thought it mattered. You would look over there when the agony is over here. Scary, this is your chance to stuff the ballot box.

She's standing next to the ballot box. She was like, was looking at the ballot box, pulling things out. Normal tried to like suddenly drop in a fistful of crumpled up, sweaty fucking ballots with his own handwriting. You choose to live in the present. One of the fucking ballots is just me. I win. Like he wrote it and forgot. But she goes, no. Okay. That's unacceptable. You're trying to cheat. No. I should send you to detention. Actually, I'm going to say,

The world is full of danger. So the mayor's still there and she goes, oh, you lost, oh no. In that moment, you feel the incursion point under the classroom.

get a little bit bigger and get a little bit bigger and it turns into another white pimple and the pimple is like the size of a desk and it's just sitting in the center of the front of the class and the top of it just pops just a little pop just a little pop well now we're totally fucked and it's all your guys' fault if you could just vote for us I don't even know why I bother saving your asses it's

That's such detail, bro. Yeah, sorry.

They smile even bigger. And one of them says, one mind, many voices. And then another one says, one mind, many voices. And another one says, one mind, many voices. And you hear a lot of the people in the class starting to say it. Mrs. Swalls O. Garcia didn't seem to get hit by this stuff, but she's like, okay, cool. That's a fun thing we're all doing. Yeah, voices and yeah, unity is important. And the mayor begins to walk out. And on her way out, she puts her hand on your shirtless torso, normal, and

And she says, you lost today, kid, but that doesn't mean you have to like it. And she takes off her coat and she puts it around you to cover your shirtless body. It's like Indiana Jones. Yeah, it's exactly like Indiana Jones. We'll be very confused. She

She boops you on the nose and she just walks out of the classroom to who knows where. But all the kids are just a little bit more happy and just a little bit more excited about local government. And they just think it's great to think the same thing and move the same. And everything's great and good. So nobody saw the pinball? No, they didn't see it. Or if they did, they couldn't comprehend it. And is it still like up? Yeah. Everybody that goes into that class is going to get a face full of muck. Scary, what do we do? I think scary just like is...

is destroying the classroom. I think like, I think scary is just like, I fucking did everything right. I debated and then I tried to like, everybody still got all this fucking happy juice. Like everything's fine, but everything's not fine. And nobody can see it. Fuck Norm. We're fucked. Shit. What are we going to do? Your mother says like, Hey, let's be gracious losers. You don't need to be cursing. Why don't you go ahead and take your seats? No mom. Don't you see what's going on? Don't you see what's happening here?

I see a boy who tried to cheat and got caught and is now being very irrational. Actually, both of you just go ahead and head to detention. We will talk when you get home. Yeah, fucking whatever. Let's go to detention. There's nothing anybody can do here. Everybody's just a fucking sheep. You're a sheep. You're all sheep. I'm dragging. I'm dragging. I'm dragging Scary out of the room. Why don't you roll Perception Normal?

18. Oh, wow, with an 18. There's something in your coat that the mayor gave you. There's something in the coat pocket. Okay, so as I'm dragging Scary out of the room, I feel whatever's in the coat bump against my leg and I reach in to dig it out. 15 Daddy Warbucks. What?

What? At this point, I fucking wish that we had gotten hit with the fucking pimple juice. Then we could be happy about something. Whoa. You're loaded, man. How does she have money from our thing? I want to summon May Hales. Yeah, May Hales left with you. Okay. She takes off her like teen mask. She's like, the reason I look so youthful and cool is because I was wearing this mask over my face. That's just a perfect approximation of me when I was 16. That's all she has to say after everything that just happened.

Well, no, because it blocked all the pus. So I'm not... I don't have the sauce. So I can... You voted for us, right? What the fuck? So moving forward, what we need to focus on is you biffed this one pretty bad. You know, the mayor's got kind of maybe a little army in your school of other kids. That's not great. But...

Uh, I'm trying to find an upside. What is she doing with this money? How does she have the money from daddy's? Yeah, this is, these are daddy war box. That's odd. She shouldn't know about that. That's, that's really weird. How do we know it's her coat? Uh, your dads are in the other...

Realm, right? Maybe they had Daddy Warbucks on them? Maybe it's my real dad's coat. I examine the coat. Yeah, roll investigation. I get a natural 20. Natural 20. Okay, so the natural 20, you can tell that the coat itself is just a normal coat from this realm. There's nothing special about the coat, but the Daddy Warbucks themselves...

they have a specific smell to them that is unique to the kinds of cigarettes that Lark likes to smoke. You can tell that these were... Herbals. Herbals, yeah. But he likes how they make him look kind of gruff, so he's like...

Basically, you can tell from a 20 that the minions of the doodler have some sort of access to your fathers on the other side of wherever they are in that other realm. I don't know how to explain this, but this money smells like my uncle. This is Uncle Daddy Warbucks. But is it your uncle's coat? I don't know whose coat it is. It's just kind of a nice, sensible women's, you know, Talbot's.

stretch code, you know? Page 42 in the catalog. Wow. Don't ask me how I know that. White House black market. Oh my God. What do we do? I feel like Link and Taylor, they're really kind of the take charge guys. What the fuck do you mean? They're the take charge. I can take charge. By all means. By all means, scary. Take charge. Take charge. Cause I'm just a kid in my underpants over here wearing a sensible Talbots women trench coat with my uncle money. And I don't know what's going on. So if you got an idea. I think we gotta go to the purple door. Huh? We need to go.

need help wait a second wait a second link's dad said something about pressing a button on a door back at daddy's headquarters yes yeah why don't we go press that button maybe there's something back there to someone who could tell us what to do just something to point us in the right direction not that i like when people tell me to do but i do agree that we could use a little uh yeah a point in a better direction

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Grant had told you that there was a hidden little rivet, basically a button, on one of the seemingly random many doors in Rytan's dungeon. And if you headed down and pressed that button, then the door would open and give you something important for Code Purple. You go down with May Hales, you find the button, you press the button, it opens up,

And inside is a dial that has some writing on it. And May goes, oh, okay, I think this actually fits onto the amplifier. I found the amplifier. You found the amplifier? Yes, because you asked me to, you know, search for it in the directories and stuff, and I found it. She brings out the amplifier, and it just looks like a normal-ass guitar amplifier, but there are big pieces missing from it. On the top of it, you can see that there is what looks like an open jewelry case, but there's nothing inside of it. On the side, you can see that there is just a tiny...

pinprick-sized little hole. And then on the front of it, in addition to all the dials for like

I don't know, gain, mono, bass, whatever. I don't know what the amplifiers say. And they're all turned to 11, obviously. There is a missing dial there that says Realm on it. And so she plugs that dial into the amplifier and goes, okay, I see what this is. The dial that says Realm has a bunch of different words on it that maybe mean something to you, maybe they don't. One of them says Earth. One of them says Fey Realm. One of them says Infernal. One of them says Goofs.

And you also notice on the dial itself, Earth and Fey Realm have been crossed out. So she goes, yeah, I feel like there's some other parts we probably need to like properly figure this out and fix this. Fix the amp? Yeah, to find out whatever it does. And then I guess we could hypothetically do this to enact Code Purple. You know, my grandfather told me one time about an ancient realm

that he studied as a young man a place with two brothers and their father and that they had these books that would let them travel to other realms and other worlds and there were all these puzzles that they had to do to figure out how to go between the realms uh that that is the cd-rom game mist yes mist is this mist am i are we playing mist is that what this is

Who's missed real? I grabbed him like, is missed real? She's like, bring me the blue pages. Where are the blue pages? She goes, no, I don't think, I don't think missed is real. I have a copy of it. If you want to play it, it actually holds up. Like not, not, it's not the worst. Like it's pretty good, but yeah, I don't know. It seems like whatever this machine is, it involves something to do with realms. Uh,

Infernal looks cool as hell. Yeah, yeah, Infernal looks cool. We gotta figure out how to work the rest of this thing. It can probably take us to where our dads are. Yeah, I don't know. She once again sort of hooks her head over the side of the railing and can see that Grant and...

And Normal's outlines in the Umagara fault door are glowing. So you've got enough daddy magic to sort of unlock that door. So now it just comes down to Taylor and Scary sort of getting you into a place where you can, you know, have a moment with your dads and then maybe you can open that door. Maybe by that point...

May says, you'll figure out what to do with this purple thingy. You're talking like I have to have a moment with Terry Jr. before I can actually get like... Yeah, well, think about it. Look, okay, scary. Like, I know it seems like you and your stepdad have... He asked me if I wanted kale chips the other day. I'd rather die. I mean, that doesn't sound that bad. I gotta be honest with you. Like, my dad told me he's not proud of me and like that sucked a lot. Not to play like, you know, bad dad Olympics, but like, you know, I'm pretty sure you're coming in silver right now. So like, just...

I don't know. Look, here's my whole point. We talked to my dad. My dad told me he wasn't proud of me, which, you know, whatever. But my uncle told me about the amplifier. And I guess it did send you on that cool, like, self-realization sort of spiral. I don't know. Like, I meant to say, Norm, like, the end of that debate was, like, pretty clutch. You did a pretty good job, I guess. Oh, thank you. Yeah, you know, I kind of wish you did a good job, too. Okay, shut up. Whatever. All right, fine. Whatever. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I'll just fucking...

Do this thing. Talk to my fucking stepdad. May Hales, Mrs. Hales, how do we find her dad? How do we find Terry? The other incursion point that I noticed as I was looking over the drone footage was that there was the one remaining incursion spot that you haven't checked out would be in the drama class. So it's entirely possible, given the fact that each of your dads have been near the other incursion points, that Terry Jr. might be there as well. Well, let's...

Go there, I guess. Although, you know who else might be fucking near the drama class? Oh, who? A certain thespian. A certain worthy thespian. I like him. He's cool now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told you guys he'd be cool, and I was right. I just want to put that out there. I was right about that.

that. All right, let's go. I got a text from Taylor that Taylor is going to do in the next scene if he remembers. I can't tell you what's on it because we don't know what situation he's in because we're recording this before the Taylor scene. We're going to go to drama class. But first, let me check that text. And I grab your phone and I go, oh, my God. Yeah. And then we cut to I will say what's happening in the car right here is Taylor immediately confuses the brake pedal for the gas pedal and just starts accelerating. I can't slow it down.

The brakes are out! So Nicholas Foster grabs you with his one remaining arm and goes, no, come on, I'll drive, and tries to pull you out of the seat. Are you going to resist him? I'm trying to resist because it looks like there's a demon with me. I'm pushing even further down, so now we're just, I'm flooring it. So we will do an opposed strength check. He's a demon. He just killed 40,000 people in front of you.

Six plus three, nine. Let's see. Oh, shit, dude. You got a 10. Oh, damn it. So he yoinks you out of the driver's seat and switches places with you and plops you down in the passenger seat. And the car was pointing toward where the group of FBI dudes were.

had their guns pointed at Link. And we just see all the muzzle flares. Yeah, you see a lot of muzzle flares and Nicholas goes like, that's enough of that. And fucking peels out and just turns in the opposite direction and then just guns it away from the FBI facility. Dude.

Wow, hold on. That was my friend back there. And he goes, not anymore. It doesn't matter. No, we have to turn around. We got to save him. That's my best plan. No, we don't have to do anything. Look, the only thing that matters is that you stay safe. You cannot trust anyone. Well, then I shouldn't be trusting you. Good idea. That's smart. I'm trying to unbuckle and dive out of the car. I know it's not my scene really good, but can I roll to see if Lincoln heard anything?

Taylor say he's his best bud. Yeah. Roll, roll, roll perception with disadvantage because it's over the sound of gunfire. I won't say my number. I'll just say that the only thing he's hearing is gunfire. Yeah.

So yeah, you try to leap out of the car. You try to ladybird it. So he... It's a well-known maneuver. Never change locations. I'm a ladybird. In the future, the Ladybird series goes on to be about how she becomes a spy. Jason Bourne, and that becomes her maneuvers. Greta, if you're listening, please...

That becomes her code name. Call me Lady Bird. What will she jump out of in this movie? Jumps into trouble. Okay, so we're going to do an opposed dexterity check. So go ahead and roll any dexterity related thing. Be like acrobatics, athletics to see if you can dive out of it.

Okay. I think I just take my head and I just plant it through this passenger window. Yeah. I'm doing a very coordinated move, which is my left hand is going to unbuckle my seatbelt and my right hand is going to pull the door open and go out. But I biff it on the seatbelt and the door is already locked and I forget to unlock it because I'm trying to do everything stacked at once. So then I just plant my head. Somebody left the ladybird locks on. She left the ladybird locks on.

The ladybird locks are on and I just... The Metcalfs. See, it actually became a TikTok sensation. It was kids who would start ladybirding by jumping out of moving cars. Then a couple of kids died. So then they had new regulations to put ladybird locks on the doors. Ghost lady the bird. Wow. Yeah, so I think I just like headbutt the passenger window. Yeah, really fucking hard. Fuck!

And he goes, yeah, no lady burning in this fucking hog. Well, how am I? Okay. Look, look. I saw you ice all those dudes. You could save my friend. Yeah, I could. And I'm not going to. Why not? Because I need to keep you safe. Well, if the FBI gets either of us, it's over for our entire family. You have a lot of fucking family that rely entirely upon them not finding us and getting control of us. Let's start with the most important thing. Are

Are you my dad? Yes. Oh my gosh! You're just piecing, I literally said that on the way out of the thing. You're just piecing that, yes. I knew it. I knew I came from. We look the same. I knew I came from heartier stock than these mere mortals. Okay, that's a little, I don't love that, but like, okay, yeah.

Yeah. Can I text my friend to see if he's okay? No, because then they'll be able to track the- Wait, you still have your phone? And he grabs your phone. Hey! He just fucking throws it out the window. Did he remember to unroll the window before he threw it out the window? He throws it through the now-exploded passenger window. Your failed ladybird left a Greta Gerwig-sized hole in the fucking thing, and he just tossed the phone out of there. And he goes, okay, but they fucking can't track you. Like, I know you go to school- It would be a Saoirse Ronan-sized hole, actually. You're right. You're right. There.

I gave too much credit to the director. If you're my dad, where have you been? Hell. That's pretty cool. But like, yeah, no, I agree. I've been taking care of your granddad's to some extent and also trying to fight the doodler. And there was like a lot of I was having fun with your fucking friends, dads and stuff for a while. But they they fucked me over. So not so much anymore. Here's what you need to know. Here's what you need to know.

You go to school, right? You do all that shit? Yes. No, not anymore. Don't do any of that shit. I knew it. Hell yeah, baby. Correct. Hell yeah. The only job you have now, fucking keep on the road, keep alive, get into fucking adventures, fucking solo shit, like meet somebody that are your friend for like 45 minutes and then just keep on fucking trucking. Like just live that life. Okay? You cannot connect yourself to any of these people. They're just going to betray you. You're saying I need to forego all my worldly connections and walk away? No.

Yeah. From everything that I've built up in my life. Yeah. Be ready to leave on a moment's notice when you feel the heat coming around the corner. And they're telling me the heat is coming around the corner now? Yeah. So I'm going to do what Robert De Niro in the hit film Heat could never do, which is not die in a gunfight in the middle of the field. I'm really bummed out about my friend, though. Is there anything we can do? Yeah, you can send flowers to his mom. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Look, you're going to see a lot more friends die before this is over. And if you're going to survive, that's the most important thing is fucking getting out of this shit alive. You're going to have to get a fucking hard heart about this shit. Look at this arm. This is my favorite arm. I'm searching. I'm crying about it. I'm searching the car for like the sunglasses holder or the glove compartment. They have those.

I'm searching for like a pair of shades. Okay. Yeah. There's a pair of like aviator shades on under the sun visor. I'm going to put those on and I'm going to like, can you unlock the sunroof? I'm not going to jump out. Yeah. Okay. It's a little hot in here. Unlocks the sunroof. You're kind of on fire. Okay. And I stand outside with my cool shades on. I turned back wind blowing in my hair as the FBI like thing disappears behind me and I shout into the void. Lincoln!

I will avenge you! I think the text message is literally to the group text. It says, goodbye, my friends. I start my journey today. I will never ever see. Lincoln has died and I will never see you again. Let it be known. I said this before he threw it out. Let it be known. Wait, he threw my phone out. How's he getting a text message? So the text message just says...

Dog emoji. Whale emoji. Some people have all the luck. So what does it say? Does it say the thing you said or does it say dog emoji? No, it just says dog emoji, whale emoji. You have no information as to what the fuck is going on. We'll come back to what we think the text message means in a second. Link. This won't be long. Before anything, I just want to say the first moments, despite everything going on, despite the courageous action I made. Years later as he faced the firing squad. Despite the sound of bullets, the fire.

first thought that goes through my mind is I hope Taylor is okay. I hope scary is okay. And I hope that debate went pretty well because I'm sure those guys are thinking of me too.

Shell casing hit the ground. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And I close my eyes. I go, don't shoot. But because they were aiming at an adult man's head and you're a child, they all aimed like roughly like four inches above where your head was. You have said that you're tall for your age. He's tall. Yeah. Link is 6'3". You're 6'3"? You said he was 6'3"? I said he was 6'3". That's...

That's like a Slenderman sort of scenario. That's supernatural. But I could have definitely... How tall is Nick? I was seated in a car, so when I teleported, I'm like on the ground already. God, I feel like we're in JFK right now. Yes, it's true. Okay, so yes. I don't want to die, but I can honestly want to make sure my height is taken into consideration. I feel like we're analyzing the Subruder film.

film. When Nicholas was bamfed away, he was standing. And when you come in, you're sitting. So even though, oh boy, you could feel those bolts right above your head with your 6'2 fucking head. Like you could feel yourself getting a haircut, a lead haircut. What we should have done is just let fans speculate as to how Link survived and waited for them to come up with a bunch of theories. And then we could just go bleakly represent like it could have been any of those. Yeah, just a very who shot nice guy Eddie kind of thing. You get a haircut, you immediately go into the fetal position or something, I assume, and duck down. Stop shooting, stop shooting.

I'm like spinning like that. Homer, like when Homer spins on the ground through the water, as a fucking, as a rain of fucking shell casings is coming down, like hitting you and they have their hot. And, uh, you hear a voice of the FBI agent that came to your home and threatened your dad. You're like, stop, fucking stop. Stop. Every ceasefire, ceasefire, ceasefire. And all the FBI agents stop and they go, Oh, it's like, Oh, Oh, Oh,

And they all get psyched that they didn't just kill a kid on accident. This guy goes, hey, you're coming with me. And he grabs you by the scruff of your neck and he pulls you back into the elevator. And on the way down, he says, look, I'm not going to hurt you. What? You just you already have. Hey, did we shoot you? Yeah.

You just missed. You guys are bad at it. That's not the definite. Shooting somebody is successfully shooting. Did I shoot at you? I didn't say. We did shoot at you. Attempted murder. It was not attempted. It was attempted to kill the other. Well, look, the point is, and the door's open, and he leads you into a separate little interrogation room, and he goes...

Just have a seat. You're not in trouble. Like, not like how you think. Okay. And he closes the door behind him and there's a little keypad code and he puts it in to lock the door behind him. And he takes out a bag of blue powder and he puts it on the table in front of you. And he says, it's not going to hurt you. This is like a truth telling powder. I just need to know what you know, and then we'll let you go. So if you were in my position, what?

What percent chance do you think you would do this after everything that's happened? Okay. All right. So he opens up the bag and he takes a sniff of the powder and you see his eyes get a little bit of blue, a little bit of fucking spice. A little bit of spice. Straight up from the fucking David Lynch Dune. Yeah. So he's got a little bit of spice and he goes, ask me anything. Do you love your parents? No. Oh, no, no. I don't know if I can trust you. Ask me something else. Ask me something else.

Ask me like something else. Do you have kids? Yes. Do you love them? Yes. Would you want one of them to take this blue dust? If I really needed them to...

Tell me something that was of a matter of like national or global security. Yes, but otherwise no, because I wanted to let them have their own boundaries and sort of decide what to tell me. If your kid came to you and said, dad, I'm scared. I met my new friend's dad and I think he's a demon and he killed a lot of people. And the people I thought that were good and in charge, the FBI, they kidnapped me. And now a strange man is making me have blue dust. What would you tell him to do?

What would you tell him to do? And I hold my, I put my hand out like scared. I would tell him to calm down. Okay. And think about his options. I don't have any. Well, there you go. I think you may have just answered your own question. Okay.

All right. I mean, yeah, I'll tell you. I mean, I don't even need the blue stuff. I'll tell you the truth. I mean, okay, sure. All right. So he gives you a Ziploc bag and just inhale. Yeah, $100 bill rolled up. Oh, who killed JFK? Marilyn Monroe, weirdly. Wow. That's like, if I knew this, I wouldn't want to pay any taxes ever.

All right. I inhale the blue dust. Oh, you rub some in your gums first? You put some on your pinky and you rub some in your gums. All you have to do is just like open the bag and smell the vapors, you know, sort of get you. What's it smell like, bro? Home.

Yeah, it does. It smells like home. It smells like things that make you feel safe. It smells like nostalgia. And you feel less that you're being mind-controlled into telling the truth. It's more like you just feel safe telling the truth in this space. Bro, steal some of this powder. I want to steal this powder. That's fair. I already have. I have a lot of it at home. Can I have some? No. What I want to ask you is,

Did you know about Nicholas Foster? Who? The dad? The demon? The demon. They just came through here and killed a bunch of my men. I have a friend named Taylor, and I knew he had a dad, but his name's Swift. So no, I didn't know. Okay.

Have you been intentionally trying to deceive us at any point? Yeah. I mean, you guys totally heard. I'm assuming you heard it. I was like telling them everything that we did. I told them all about our meeting and like we had like the bracelets and I gave all my friends bracelets. Like I was making sure that you guys didn't hear that. I was telling them that because I cared about my dad's. Can we resolve whether or not they actually heard our conversations? Well, that's what I'm sure. That's what they'll say right now. Thank you for telling me that we couldn't hear anything over the phone. Cut to some FBI guys in the back.

flashback and like one guy throws off his headphones and frustrates like god damn it these kids are so fucking good i just can't hear anything we were so busy laughing about the female body inspector thing we really we genuinely never recovered from that moment we were we lost all intel until that creepy lady sort of spoke into your thing so yeah you didn't know anything you just happened to meet this taylor kid so you're part of uh what the dad the daddy's thing right uh yeah how close are you to uh finding out what code purple is

You probably know more than I do. I was told it's another option. Oh, yeah. You know, if my friend Taylor was here, he would be really good at this stuff. And I think he would let me think what he would say. No, not that. OK, he would say, what do you know about Code Purple? And then I can be like, yeah, that's I know that, too. OK, as far as we know, Code Purple is a means of forcibly and in an emergency situation, saving people from the doodler.

It doesn't hurt the doodler. It's just a means of putting some distance between a population and the doodler.

Oh, that'd be, I mean, yeah, that's what we're trying to do. That'd be really helpful. A compassionate doodler solution. Cool. Yeah, you know more than us. We just literally know the name. Oh, it's an amplifier or something. Something with an amplifier. Yeah, I don't know a lot about the specifics. Okay, well, I was telling you, you asked me what I knew, so I was just like, you know. Oh, well, thank you for being forthcoming. So maybe our two information, like, we got a little bit more together. Okay, cool. So, yeah, so there's an amplifier. Okay, that's good to know. Great job. Yeah. Do you know a way into hell? What? Yeah, I know a lot of ways into hell. Um...

There's a lot to get to. The infernal plane. You haven't seen Taylor moving in and out of the infernal plane like a fiery portal. Not before you die, but like when you die, like, you know, be a bad person, lie to your parents, don't love to your... No, it doesn't look like that. But no, nothing about... No, I don't know any... I didn't know you could go to hell now. Honestly, I didn't even know if I really believed in hell, but like... Okay. So wait, hell's real? Hell's real. What, is heaven real? No. What? What?

Wait. Yeah, sorry, man. It's just hell. Okay, but wait. Is hell what happens after you die? I don't know that. I just know that there's a hell and that Taylor is part hell demon and that his dad is from hell. Wait, but what happens when you die? You go to hell. Wait. Are you telling the truth?

I mean, as far as I know, as far as I know, OK, some people, some people, when they die, they go to hell. Some people, when they die, we can't we lose all track of them. But we also don't have a lot of good visibility into hell. Is the devil real? I mean, yeah, there's like a guy in charge of hell. Wait, is he God? Is there a God?

I don't know. It's got deep. Okay. I'm telling you everything I know. I'm not fucking with you. Here's what I understand about it. Are you sure it's really hell or is it just like an afterlife? It's just like a general. Let me lay it out as best as I understand. Oh, this is some strong stuff. Can I have some more? Yeah, go for it. That felt safe. Go for it, man. That smelled like home and you're freaking me out. It's safe. You can't overindulge on this stuff. Okay. So, you know they call them like planes of existence, right? Like magical gathering. Yeah.

I don't know what that is. The planeswalkers. I've been having sex. I don't know what that means. Well, you're going to hell. This guy. This guy's not. No, I did it after I got married. I'm safe.

They call them planes. You know the material plane and the other plane the fae plan They're not really planes. They're more like plates stacked on top of one another right. We're all they're all the same Yeah, they're like plates right and they're all sort of one on top of another and they all yeah They got all sort of similar outlines like imagine plates with stuff drawn on them Yeah, you know like all this is the fucking the ink bleeds through all this stuff is strong. Oh, oh

But anyway, the point is you can move from one plane to another, from one plate to another sometimes. Right. And so I think that your dads, they tried to move to another plate. That's got more doodler stuff to like kill the doodler or something like that. But then meanwhile, there's a hell plate.

And hell plate people are trying to like, I don't know, do crazy weird hell stuff and invade us. But I think more importantly, the American government and the people I represent, they said like, oh, there's a whole hell and we don't have any taste of that. We can't wet our beak with a little hell, hell, hell magic, hell energy. So are you sure you're that's all interesting. But like so of all these plates, there's one plate you go to when you die.

And that's hell. But like the other plates, that doesn't make any sense. Is it like on the bottom? Is it like the smallest one? So when you die, you fall down all the plates? No, the hell one's like close. It's weird. Okay. It's like, there's like five plates. Like us and hell are like in the middle. Like I don't even know what's on some of the other plates. So my dad's in one of those plates. Your dad, your dad's are on one of those plates. Yeah. Okay. Well, can you help us? Can we come like, we're just four kids. Yeah. Yeah. I don't care. I don't care about your dad's or the doodler. You know, the only thing that matters to me is,

is finding a way into hell because they might be invading us sometime. Like the fucking, that Nick Foster guy, he's killed a lot of people. He worked with your dad and your dad's friends before. I got a question for you, buddy. What? Anybody up there that died that you're like, okay, with being dead?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You don't seem like a good person. Well, I mean, what you come on, you never, you don't know what it's like to have a job where there's not a lot of upward mobility. It sounds like we do know what that is. Oh yeah. I guess you do, but no, it's just, there was this guy trying to get my job and he's gone now. And that's slightly more convenient for me, but mostly I'm sad about what happened. Okay. But what am I going to ask you to do? Yeah. Would you be,

the guy that helps us get into hell and prevent hell stuff from ruining earth. Like they could be sending an armies. They could be building armies. We don't know what's in there. They could be planning assassins. If there are any of them are as bad as Nick Foster, then things are going to get really bad really quickly. If that door opens. Okay. Yeah. I'll help you, but you got to help us like, cause we're just four kids. So like, I don't want hell to invade earth or whatever. Like I don't want more people to die, but like, I also need to save like,

my dad and like I got three friends now and like they got dads or like a stepdad and like a demon dad which I guess like we don't need to save anymore but like we need your help too because we're weighing over our heads like I just went to school like last week and now I'm like

Like you're the FBI. Wait, are you the FBI? But you're like telling me to stop help. But yeah. Okay. We'll help. Yeah, sure. Yeah. No, I'm not. Yeah. I'm not going to help you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure you do. Cause your kids, I'm not going to do any of that. I don't care about you in the slightest. You're misunderstanding. It's not a negotiation. This is me. What do you call it? It's a threat. You're going to do this or again, I'll, you know, I'll make sure your, your remaining dad goes into, was it jail?

Like, you won't have him as a dad anymore. So you're going to just find a way. I can't lie right now, right? Right. Okay. If you take my dad away, I will do everything I can to bring hell down upon you and your family and everybody that you've ever loved. And I guarantee you it will happen. Okay. Oh, yeah.

So he reaches out and grabs you by the nipple and twists really hard. Roll a constitution saving throw. The 19. Yeah, baby. So he rock hard. Locker room antics. Don't intimidate me. His face fucking drops. He like takes a step back and his fucking eyes go wide. He goes, all right.

All right. I didn't know I was dealing with a certified badass. No, sir. I'm just a daddy. I wink. I'm tired.

You have kids? Huh? You have kids? No. And that's why we work for. Oh, God. They're called daddies. I forgot. Yeah, that's weird. Oh, God. Yeah. What do you want? I want you to go. Yeah, I'm going to stop. Whatever. I'll do that. I want you to capture Taylor and bring him to us. Oh, or is that true? So, like, I mean, I'm going to go. I'm going to go figure out that situation, and then I'll probably decide if I want to help you or not on that part.

But I will stop. I don't think you're telling me the full truth. I think you're lying. Well, I mean, like if you if I go take another whiff, I'm just like, look, I'm saying like, I don't know what if I go there like he's killed Taylor because he's a demon. And like, yeah, I'm going to like take him down. But if I go over there and he tells me like a really sad story and like he's misunderstood, like I'm probably going to like want to help them. I'm just telling you. I'm just telling you the truth. So I'm going to try to stop hell from invading Earth. OK. Yeah. I mean, you're being honest.

So like, honestly, you could like, no, I mean, I could kill you. I'm not going to kill you. Like I'm tempted to, I am tempted to, because you saw a lot of stuff you shouldn't see, but also nobody's going to believe you because you're a fucking kid. Yeah. So I just, I guess, I guess just go home. Like, I guess it's fine. Okay. I would appreciate it. You still want me to stop hell, right? Yes. I want you to, I want you to bring Taylor to us so that we can get into hell and stop the invasion before it starts. That's what I want. Again, if he's a good guy, he's probably going to help you too. Whatever. Yeah. You'll make your fucking decision. All right.

God, I hate my life. Oh, no. I didn't know that. Oh, my God. Is that true? I love my kids. Okay, that one's true. That's good. That's good. That's good. I enjoy being physically intimate. No, I don't. I guess I don't. Wow. Do I still have to be here for this? I'm asexual. Oh, my God. I'm asexual. I've been just doing it because socially I'm supposed to.

Oh, that's totally normal. That's cool. Yeah. Thanks. It is cool. Yeah. I mean, it's not cool. Some people think it's weird, but no, that's cool. That's cool. Yeah. But screw what they think. I think it's really neat that you're like using this. Like, I don't know. Like, I don't feel better about you, but like, I feel better that I feel better for you. That's fine. Getting to know, you know, and that makes me feel like your feelings about me are like your responsibility. Yeah. And like, I could just be responsible for my own stuff. And right now I'm thinking I want to go home and not have sex. Yeah.

Man, me and you every day, man. That's how I do it.

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See store for details. Let's get back to Nick and Taylor in the car. Hey, if you're my dad, prove it. What's my mom's name? Do you even remember my mom? How would we come back to this? The last we saw you was you screaming, goodbye Lincoln, I'm with my dad. The idea that you cut back, you're like, wait.

He goes, okay, no, I got something for this. I got something for this. Yeah, hit me. And he reaches into his coat and there's a bunch of empty sealed syringes inside the jacket pocket of his coat. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's not a drug thing. Gruff, the crime doc said to say no to drugs. I know, it's, look, it's empty. No. Look, it's empty. They're not drugs. And I'm not going to use it on you. Watch. And he jams it into the back of his own neck. What?

with the plunger depressed already his eyebrows raise and his eyes begin to twitch and he pulls back on the plunger and a gray wispy fluid kind of begins to fill the chamber of the syringe and he goes and he pulls it out and he goes okay so you can like i guess you could eat this what the fuck bro i thought we're gonna have a mori episode i have to pee i have to pee pull over i have to pee i'm just gonna pee right in here yeah yeah okay fine

If you try to run, I'll be able to stop you. I'm very fast, so go ahead. So where are we going? Where are we going? So he pulls over. Let's describe my surroundings, bro. Paint me a fucking picture so I can role play in this, dude. You're in the Southern California desert. You pull over, there are tumbleweeds. There are cacti. There is a lot of just like shitty dead shrub brush that will never know the taste of water, but it survived as well as it can out here. I'm about to change that. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Okay. And so I'm going to take a few steps out and I'm just going to fucking unload my bladder onto these parched ass plants and I'm going to take stock of my situation. All right. So what do I have? I don't have anything in my go bag. I do have everything in my belt. My survival belt is set. Where's Nick? Nick is stepping outside of the car to watch you from behind.

He pees also, but it's fire. It's just this cold flame. You know what? That's what he does. That's what he does. He goes like, I might as well drain it too. And he gets next to you and he goes, just fucking just look straight ahead. It's all good. And he's going to make a weird noise. And a fucking flamethrower comes out and just lights the fucking, you were getting that plant for the first time in its life.

For the first time in its long, long life, it understood what it was to have moisture. Oh, how delightful. Oh, what rapture. And then it's burned to a crisp in a second. And he goes like, oh, and he's like, like, it starts a wildfire. He's like, oh, shit. Well, that's not our problem.

Shake off a few drips of molten flaming lava here at the end. Actually, I could just inject you with this and then you would get the memory. I'm going to slap it out of his hand and try and go for the car. Oh my God. All right, go ahead and roll dexterity. You said trust nobody, dude. No, that's great. That's good. Just turn and pee on him. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it is. You put him out. That's what it is. I turn and I pee on him a little bit. Okay, roll. And in that moment, I'm also using my gargantuan powers of self-control to cut off the stream. I know.

Dexterity 17 plus one. 18. So with your 18, you successfully kegel and then fucking drench your daddy. And he goes, oh, gee, come on, man. That's a distraction. I need it. All right. So give me a dexterity or athletics. Give me athletics. 14 plus one, 15. You got a 17. So you make it all the way to the driver's seat of the car.

of the truck and you feel his hand grab the scruff of your jacket. And then he goes, sorry about this, but this is the quickest way. And then you feel a pinprick in your neck. He depresses the plunger. Your pupils dilate and you zoom back to a memory of,

What looks to be your mother when she was very, very young in a hospital with her legs up in stirrups. She's got a big old belly. Your eyes are kind of watery. You can kind of barely make out that it's your mom through the blur. And you see in this memory yourself looking down at a baby. You hear your dad say, welcome to the world, Taylor. What name did I choose for myself? I guess Swift. Yeah, Taylor Swift. Hey, what's up? Oh.

Oh, hi. And then you see him and your mom teaching a little boy how to walk and you fall over. You know, my dad's been around, though. They go, oh, that's OK. That's OK. And then you're at a party and you're talking to what look to be younger versions of the other dads. And you turn and you see that all the other kids are in a little playpen together. You see him walking through the woods at night following these dads and they're all wearing body armor and they have

swords and rifles that glow with an ethereal light. God damn it, we got so fucking cool after the end of season one, dude. And that's not your characters, this is the kids. This is the sons. This is the sons. You see a big hole open in front of you in the woods with a red flaming portal that seems to lead to some nefarious dimension. And you see all the other three turn on

you and they start blasting and you don't even shoot back. You just put your hands up in confusion as a wait, wait, wait. And then a flaming bullet hits your left arm and incinerates it down to the bone in front of you. And then the bones crumble down into nothing. And then you're just running and you're running and you're running and you see hell and you see an old,

man who is just djing all night long you see playing lionel richie's song all night long yeah he's playing all night long on the dj fucking spin he's spinning he's spinning like like a villain and then it ends and he goes i just gave you a little bit so you don't have the context and stuff but that's did you recognize the baby was you was any of that oh i mean i'm assuming i actually don't know what i just gave you because i don't remember it anymore so i would love to get that back from you if i if i could because i like i probably i assume i like those memories of having you as a kid why'd you leave dad i

to protect you. Wow, that's pretty much the coolest version of Reason to Leave. That checks out. Yeah. So you're saying I can't have friends anymore? I'm saying you can't trust your friends anymore. I'm saying I was friends with your friends' dads. They betrayed me. Why'd they try to ice you? Because we were all working together to fight the doodler.

Real quick, what's the doodler? I keep hearing and I've never asked the question. It's an eldritch god of chaos. Oh, shit. But why'd they turn on you? What was the reason? Was it just out of the blue? It looked like it was just out of the blue. I was going to help them defeat the doodler or find some way to escape the doodler, at least. Then they came up with a plan that I didn't like. They came up with a plan called Code Purple. And I can tell you what Code Purple is.

But if any normal human person finds out about Code Purple by somebody just telling them, not them sort of discovering themselves and sort of being able to acclimate to the knowledge, there's a one in four chance that when they hear it, they will die. What? Because you're my son. I think you're probably safer. It's like a one in eight chance. So I think it's a one in eight chance. But I got these, these syringes. So if it looks like you're about to not take it well, I can really quickly take the memory out.

But I think for your sake, for safety, I have to try to tell you what it is. Hit me, baby. Okay. So roll a wisdom saving throw. I swear to God, if D&D Beyond fucks me, I'm going to do a real dice. Get a real dice. Get a real baby dice. You're going to get an 11 on this real dice. I know it. Wisdom. Three plus zero. Okay. So...

From your perspective, here's what happens. He sighs, he opens his mouth, and then all of a sudden, everything goes black, and you open your eyes, and you're sweaty. Your throat feels really raw. Your cheeks are wet. Okay.

Okay, you couldn't handle it. I'm sorry. That must have been even crazier than the end of Evangelion. So he's got the syringe with the memory of him telling it to you. You better throw that away, my man. Yeah, I could. I mean, unless you want to hold on to it when you think you might be ready later or not. Yeah, I'll throw it away. I'll throw it away. And he just fucking squirts the juice out of the side window. And there's like a passing plant that drinks it up and also shrivels up. Hello! That's so fucked

And he goes, okay, I can just drop you off at home. Hey, are we pretty close to San Dimas? I mean, pretty close being like a, you know, five hour drive. Bro, you just told me I had to not trust my friends anymore. What am I supposed to do now? Am I supposed to live a life on the road? Just wandering from town to town like a, like a nameless samurai, a Ronin, a samurai without a master. Yeah. Well then what the fuck are you dropping me off for, man? I thought you might want to get your stuff. That's a good point. Yes. I need you to give me. Yes. I mean, say goodbye to your mom.

because she's cool. Oh, hey, what's the deal with you and my mom? In speaking terms, what's the deal? Yeah, I mean, in the words of just the two of us from Will Smith, things didn't work out between me and your mom, but when push comes to shove, something about love. Um...

But yeah, no, I mean, we agreed. We agreed that it would be best if we divorced partially because we didn't get along so well and partially because I can't stay in this realm for very long because every moment I'm here. Just like Orlando Bloom's character at the end of the Pirates of the Caribbean series for some reason. Oh, I guess. I don't know. I never saw those.

The Final Borianna's initiative wants to get to me. If they can get to me or you, they can hook us up to a fucking machine and open a portal to hell. And all they want to do is invade hell and plunder it for resources and kill every single person they find. We can't go back then. No, we can't go back. That's the first place that they would check is my cool house. That's actually a good point. Now you're thinking. But they won't check

my safe house in the woods. I've planted a cache of weapons and utilities just for this exact scenario. Don't tell me anything. I have a GPS. Oh, don't tell me anything. The less I know, the better. So I think what we do is

You take the wheel. He slides, sidles over and has you take the wheel. And he goes, I'm going to go home and maybe we'll see each other again and maybe we won't. But don't count on it because people only disappoint you in the end. Right. Hasta la vista, baby. Bye, dad. OK. The car speeds away and he's like, I had more things to say. And you just leave him in the dust.

And then you kind of like goes like, oh, like, like, like kind of slaps his thighs. Like I was going to say more stuff. That's fine. You rarely see the parent gets rejected by their kids. He told me everything I need to know, which is that I need to be a cool badass and live alone. I thought it'd be really, I thought it'd be harder to convince him to leave. Okay. That's my son. All right. Yeah.

He looks at the jackrabbit. Yeah, yeah, he runs over the jackrabbit. An orange portal opens and he steps through it and he is gone. I'm going to slam on the brakes. Okay. I'm going to turn around and get my friend back, bro. Ooh.

That's cool. Back at Daddy's HQ, Normal is staring at the text message from Taylor that says whale poop emoji. Scary, wait. Before we go to drama class, I've been staring at this text message and I think I know what it means. I think I know what Taylor was trying to say. Okay, then like what? We need to ask the whale about all the shit that's going on.

Just dump 15 more bucks into this whale. Yeah, like, I guess you could do that if you want, like, the whale to be in charge of your emotions or whatever. Look, all I'm saying is, like, we're trying to be a team. I'm trying to take this note about the whale and the shit and, like, you know? Yeah, well, what if the note is the whale is full of shit? Well, maybe you're full of shit, Scarra. Whoa! That felt mean. I, look... Listen, I'm going to drama club. You can sit here with your own drama and do whatever the fuck you want. I don't care.

Oh, no. Can I come with you, though? Yeah. Hey, Scary, can we check in for a second? What do you mean, check in? I just... I want to touch base, because it seems like... I don't know how to say this, but it seems like your attitude's been really bad lately. Um...

Oh. Oh. It seems like my attitude has been bad lately. Yeah, I mean... You know what's been bad lately? My fucking life. I know, but... And you wouldn't understand any of it, because I was there. I was there in the middle of the classroom. Uh-huh. I had my debate...

I was saying all the right stuff and then we still lost. I mean, I still lost and you wouldn't know anything about that. I lost. I was lost too. I lost. Hey, you know, I appreciate that you got a whole thing going on and that like you say weird stuff all the time and like, you know, people don't pay enough attention to you and you're mad at your stepdad or whatever, but like now you finally get it. Don't you? Are you saying that this sarcastically or like, do I actually get it? I don't know. I don't know.

You enter the theater room. Sitting in the front of class is Hermie the Unworthy, and he is in full Joker regalia. He is in his bright red suit with his painted face. He's doing the weird dancing that's not quite dancing. He goes, wow, wow, wow. Look who finally decided to enter the Hermie zone. Hey, Hermie, what's up? Oh, what's up? My connection to this character. I have reached...

the pinnacle of the acting experience. I have a method to my madness and that madness is the method. I want you to understand that I have lost Hermie the Unworthy. No, no, no. Right now I am the Joker. It has happened. I have become one with my character. I'm going to roll perception and see if I can. I got a 20 on my perception. Oh, wow. I got a 14 plus.

I'm sure we see it, whatever it is. It's actually, you discover it's actually Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah.

acting method as a child. It's been Joaquin Phoenix the whole time. Joaquin Phoenix has just walked into Freddy's apartment. He is here. Okay, so both of you can tell that he is telling the truth. He has gone full method. He cannot quite control this. He is now just going to be creepy, hermity unworthy, but he does not seem to have the sauce with your natural 20. It's just, he's just fucking weird. And he goes, my plan was as always to direct this play, direct this work.

But now that I have become so completely he who jokes, I no longer have the ability nor the desire to control this uncontrollable world. And so I feel very blessed, very happy, very grateful that a substitute teacher has revealed himself. And so now, mister, what is your name? And you see a figure standing at a lectern at the front of the drama class. And he sort of turns around dramatically and he goes, the name is Stampler.

Terry Stampler. Oh my God. No. Whoa.

We got today. No, not today. Tomorrow.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Theme Song is On My Way by Maxton Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Esh Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This show is supported by a Patreon. And some of those fine patrons who support this show are folks like Ethan Burke,

I'm going to

prey using my pious traits that my sister successfully wounds Daryl Hannah such that I may tenderly nurse him back to health. Okay, go ahead and roll with advantage. I got 13. It doesn't matter. God's not real. Catch up on our massive backlog of bonus content and be there for the finale of Sons and Sons Ability by subscribing to our Patreon starting at only $5 a month. All of our stretch goals are available at all supporter levels. So go on in, check it out, poke around, get behind the scenes insight into the show and also watch

hours of bonus content all at the same time all at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads you can support the show in other ways too our merch is at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com our twitter is dungeonsanddads our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies and our next episode is coming at you tuesday june 14th we will see you then you gotta pick us up today no not today before tomorrow makes me can't change and say not today no not today

No, is this a vaccine? Oh God, you don't not have. Oh God, you're not one of those. Oh no. And I turn right to Cameron. I say, because I need to make sure I'm always up to date on my vaccinations.