FETCH QUEST - Ep. 3 - Paw & Order
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See store for details. Fetch Quest is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for big dogs. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Welcome to Fetch Quest, a Dungeons & Daddies miniseries about three dogs and a cat who get sucked through a portal from our world into a magical, dangerous land of high adventure and have to find their way home. I'm Will Campos, your person. I'm, you know, all...

I'm just Will Campos, your pet guardian. You're my alpha, baby. Slash alpha dog. Can I get a woof woof for my pack? Woof woof. Woof woof. Meow. Freddie, you start this time. I'm feeling generous. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Mochi, the adorable wannabe influencer cat of the group. That's what I've settled on. Here's this week's cat. On the final episode. She's settled on Anthony's character. Wanting to be like Anthony's character. Oh, wanting to be like Anthony's character. This is called character development, guys. Look at that.

Here's Mochi's cat fact. I was telling Beth this when we were walking back to her car after the last episode of Record. I'm so fucking out of my depth here. It's so clear at every second that I have never owned a pet. Like, I've helped my neighbor feed his cat growing up, and I had a good relationship with, like, Clint's cat and my neighbor's cat. But, like...

Boy, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. About Freddy? Yes. Oh, okay. Where it was like, I don't know, Freddy's such a good guy, like, he's a sweetheart. But it's also like, if somebody told me that, like, Freddy was a serial killer, I would be like, no fucking way. Like, I know Freddy. But then when they would be like, well, think about how, like, he didn't know about animals very well. And I'd be like, oh. I'm telling you right now, if Freddy's a serial killer, none of us will ever find out about it.

Yeah. You'll be way too confident. Freddie would be the one I'm least surprised about if they're a serial killer. What? Because you're a serial killer. Yeah. Gang game recognize game. I literally wouldn't be shocked if any of us were like literally not surprising. Hey, everybody. My name is Matt Arnold. I play Donut, an 11-year-old black lab who's been at a truck stop his whole life, almost his whole life. So where did Donut, the name, come from? A car came by to the truck stop with like a packet of puppies, you know, like four puppies in a box.

And it was like, hey, like, you know, can you see a packet? It's like a little bag of puppies to, you know, see if anybody else would pick them up. Like the baby of cats just thrown recklessly from a passing car. Or Oliver and Company. They were looking around for the puppies. Somebody wanted to adopt the four puppies. And then in the box, there's only three puppies and they couldn't find one of the puppies. And it was me, Donut. And because Donut had climbed out and he climbed onto the tray and he got into the donuts and he was eating all the donuts. And then Terry was like, well, I can't give away this.

puppy. He likes the donuts and his name's Donut. So that's how I got kept as Donut. And it's also how the truck stop went from an A grade food code to a B. I'm also the only one of the four puppies that survived that winter. Oh my God. Hey, life's tough for dogs out in the wild. Because Terry murdered it. Terry shot the other three. Hi, my name's Beth May and I play Cookie.

Cookie is a two-year-old whippet spy dog. Fun fact about Cookie the Whippet. I don't know how she got her name, but I do know that despite Agent Cody Banks' tragic demise, which you may think is just like an event of bad luck or whatever,

Actually, as a testament to Whippet's skill as a spy dog, she has unknowingly saved Agent Cody Banks' life 17 times. What? How? To get into the history of Agent Cody Banks and Cookie for a little bit. The Codyverse, really. The Codyverse, into the Codyverse. You know, he's an aged spy, had to abandon his family in the U.S., like, hasn't been around. Mm-hmm.

But now he's got a daughter and she's an adult now. And he was trying to find her, track her down, even though they were in like protective custody or whatever. So he would go all over the country, like, you know, just looking for him, knowing only her name. And all the time people were after him, trying to shoot him. But the thing is, most hit men...

Just gunshots going off all the time. I'm trying so hard to shoot this guy. Most hitmen have a great, like,

No women, no kids, no dogs, you know, policy. Most hit men. It's not the special ones with the morality. It's all of them. Yeah, like whatever Cookie was with him in a Kmart or whatever, the hit men were like, well, we can't. So it's not only they can't kill a dog, but they can't kill someone in front of their dog because they're worried it will traumatize that dog. Cookie gets cold easily, and so he would carry her around a lot. Oh, there you go. They don't even want to risk

So he's like, he's got Cookie in like one of those like baby peons. I don't have a shot. I don't have a shot. I think Cody Banks knows exactly what the fuck he's doing. He's a sicko who bought dogs and strapped them to himself to protect himself. As he was like fucking sewing up a bullet wound on his chest that got through the Kevlar, he looks down at Cookie and goes like, wait a minute, and then attaches her to the Kevlar. Weird that this dog carrier covers your medulla ombrugata

God, I really want to do like a Jason Bourne parody and he like turns the corner and the bad guy has like six babies on baby Bjorns. Oh my God. What are you going to do now? Don't move, Mr. Bourne. Jason Bjorn. Very good. But yeah, that one time he went out to a payphone by himself. God, sloppy. Boom.

They were like, no dogs allowed in this pay phone store. It's like it's an emotional support animal. Like, we don't care. It's a life support animal. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm Ben Yeh, a French poodle and Instagram influencer and apparently role models of Freddie.

Beignet got her name when Kitty was at Disneyland and saw Tom Hardy in line for Beignets at the New Orleans Square holding his dog and tried to flirt with him by pretending to be dumb and not knowing what Beignets are and then being like, that's my dog's name when he was like, they're called Beignets. And yeah. Flawless Tom Hardy. I didn't know what a Beignet was before I just went to Disneyland. Well, then maybe Kitty was based on you. Yeah. I got powerful, insane diarrhea eating one too. So.

That's not from the Beignet. Yeah, that's God punishing you for something you did. The very first picture that took off Beignet's Instagram career was her and an unhappy looking Tom already holding his dog. And in the very, very, very background, it was like two pixels. If you could like enhance it, like on CSI, you'd see Glenn Close alone walking around. Porn!

And it was on Delfs of Disneyland. Yeah. You actually see the other Delfs of Disneyland picture being taken and he's like deep throating a fucking... It's like the Zapruder film. Oh my God. One of those like cones. Like those cones. What cones? Bro, you've been to Cars Land and got cones. Turkey on a stick. Oh, the traffic cone. Yeah, baby. Yes, okay. I wish we could reference the Zapruder film more in this podcast.

All right. All right. I'm ready to fight some Beth May. Are y'all ready to bring this doggy quest home? Yeah. No. No. No.

Let's dive right in. Where we last left the pack, you had uprooted the stake that the very good boy was tied to and turned him into a giant naked man who looks like Sam Watterson. Whereupon the cover of your very racist standup bit was blown and Bethel to may called for her goons. I am going to need everybody to roll initiative. This is a little bit of a blue question. I'm just trying to understand. I'm just trying to get a picture of all this was the very good boy neutered before he transformed. Uh,

No. Well, yeah, I guess this is, you know, fantasy land. So no, no. Okay. So Waterston's got everything. He's got, he's intact, fully intact. Waterston action. Can any other podcast you listen to promise this kind of fucking thing? So I got three, I got three.

Seven. And Freddy? Thirteen. Thirteen. All right, so as you were all rolling initiative, Bethela DeMay, who got a seven, made this cry for her goons, and in came a duo of tough-looking bruisers, and from the other entrance, like a burly, gruff lady with a big axe and a scar, and she's glaring, and she's pissed off. So that's what you got. You got three goons, sort of two to one side, one to the other. What are their names? Their names are...

Matt always asks this. Always. I feel your pain. Because literally, as he said, there's two goons that show up. I was like, oh, honestly, this is Freddie and Matt because you guys got funny characters. Freddie and Matt are going to make an entrance in very short order. I don't give a shit about these names. No, you're going to hear them. The two goons on the left are Chip and Cheerio and the goon on the right, her name is Matilda. No, it can't be Matilda. No. What's wrong with Matilda? Sweet Matilda. I don't.

care there's more than one matilda not in my canon how come matt has terry then you guys you guys this is just like in the prequels where it turns out anakin made c3 bonior like this world feels so much smaller she is called terry junior yeah you guys are ready for that conversation all right matilda fuck it chip and cheerio got a 11 okay

Matilda got a 13. One other thing we need to do. A Wanda Fireball comes with seven charges when it's new, but we don't know how used this thing is, and it gets one D6 plus one charges every day. You've already used one, so roll a D6 for me to see how many charges you have on the Wanda Fireball. I got one. All right. All right.

So you guys got... One plus one, right? You said? You said 1D6 plus one? Well, you already used... Well, I will give you the two. You got two. But you said 1D6 plus one. And I changed my fucking mind, Freddy. And we used one, so what's the point? We'll be nice. And we'll just even have butt stubble. This is just...

regular will. This is just full beard will. But yeah, you have to. All right. Because I'm a generous guy. Yeah, you are generous. Who's got such alpha energy? Freddy, you are up first. What would you like to do? Okay. So the stake that the very good boy was on is gone.

No, he's still tied to it. It's tied around his neck and it's dug up. So it's loose. But he can get around. In fact, the first thing he does is sort of bounce to his feet. And then he's very confused at this weird hairless body of his. And he trips over his feet and he kind of lands on all fours. Yeah, it's his foot that he tripped on, huh? And then Sam Waters, naked Sam Watterson, growls about PricewaterhouseCooper or whatever the insurance company.

He seems like really freaked out. Like, what am I doing? What's going on? So he's on all fours. He's on all fours. Naked and all. Naked and on all fours. Just the way I like my Sam Watterson. With a rope tied around his neck. With a rope tied around his neck. All right. Piece of time. Not neutered. Just making sure I understand the whole image. Intact Sam Watterson. Oh, no. Naked on all fours. Giant. Giant.

I hate this, but like intact, like doesn't, you know, like, yeah, I don't know. Okay. Sam Waterston is, I don't think we circumcise dogs. No. Yeah, you're right. Damn. You're right. This isn't really that he looks like it's not literally Sam Waterston.

That's true. What? He doesn't take on the knowledge and history of Sam Waterston. Sam Waterston just stopped moving in our world. Yeah, he was like, why am I on all fours? Somewhere on the set of Frankie and Gracie's A Very Confused Big Dog. But that means... If you're here...

And Sam Watson's clothes with the floppy sleeves being like, what's going on? Okay, now of the people attacking us, is there any that I get a sense that they might be into cats?

Into cats. Oh, yeah. Like, this is your thing. Yeah, it's my convention thing. Okay, well, the way you said that, though. Fuck off, man. I'll say whatever I want, however I want. Yes. You see that Matilda has, like, a tabby at home because there's cat hair all over her leather armor. And she also has a tattoo that says, wine mom first, cat mom second. Okay, that'll do it. That looks like your target, Freddie. Sorry, Beth. Are you all right? Beth has lots of shit. She has a tattoo.

This is I love pussy. I'm going to go after Matilda and like, you know, what do you do? I'm going to like do the thing where they like run the figure eight around her legs. You know, you're like nuzzle her legs and get your scent on. And that's charm person. Charm. That's great. All right. Got to make a wisdom saving throw. Does it with advantage? Yeah. You or your companions are fighting it. However, however, they're a cat person, which gives me advantage. I think it cancels it out. That's true.

wisdom. I'm going to cast this on my ninth level spell slot. You don't have a ninth level. Get the fuck out of here. That's what the card says. Spell save is eight plus proficiency bonus plus your intelligence modifier. What's your intelligence bonus? That'd be pretty low. That'd be a minus four. Okay. We'll throw you a bonus since I gave you this thing and we'll say that you have a 10 is your spell save DC. She rolled a 15 plus two so that's 17. Fuck.

So yeah, you nuzzle up at her and then she just kind of like, what are you doing? And then she kind of chews you away with her foot. Like she doesn't want to hurt you, but like she's going to, I mean like her, she's going to get in trouble if she doesn't. Again, as her tattoo says, she likes wine a little bit more than she likes cats. I got it. Whatever.

Whatever. It is Matilda's turn now, and so she is going to try to kill you. She is going to swing at you with her hand axe. Me? Or is she swinging at somebody else? Well, no. Is that the cat? Know what it is? You came up to her and nuzzled her, but then it failed. But then Bethela de May saw the hesitance in her eyes for a second, so now she's overcompensating by trying to kill you. Ah, good call. She hits.

So let's see if Freddy's going to die. Cha-cha-cha. Three damage. Ow, bloodied. So yeah, she kind of like comes down and like, I feel like you're able to kind of dodge out of the way, but like kind of skits you on the side a little bit. It's actually Chip and Cheerio's turn. They just entered at the back of the room. So they are going to run at you guys at full speed and they're going to be able to attack you next turn. So now it is Bethela's turn. She's got her whip. And so she is going to take a crack at Anthony.

Okay, she hits you, and she is going to do 1d6 plus 2. Oh, my God. You're going to knock me down. I don't give a shit. She does 7 damage to you. All right, she knocked me down. Is that all your health? No, I'm joking. Beth, now it is your turn. Can I throw an ID out? Yeah. I mean, maybe I just do it, but if they're running full speed and we have the rope, we could, like...

Put the rope in your mouth and then clothesline them all. Yeah. I love that. Where's the rope? It's around Sam Watterson's neck. So if it works, it might snap the good dog's neck. Well, surely there are other ropes around. He's big and strong. If you want to cast about for ropes, there's like all sorts of spare circus equipment around. You see a lasso on the ground. There's like trapeze gear. So if you guys want to do like a tabletop move and like clothesline these guys, go for it. All right.

Benyay, if you could hold this rope down here, and then I'm gonna speed across real fast across the other side, and then we're gonna trip him. Uh, okay, strength is not exactly my forte, but I will give it my all.

I got a 19. Ooh. I got a four. You got a four. Okay, so you make it across with the rope. It snaps tight, but it's not like super taut because Benya can't quite get her mouth around it. Chip vaults over it. Cheerio trips up in it and gets knocked prone, but then Benya also gets knocked prone. Anthony, it's your turn. So I'm going to use all my movement to stand up from prone, and then I'm going to say, you naughty, naughty boy, and I'm going to bite Cheerio. Cheerio, the one that's on the ground, go for it. Yes.

So he's prone, which means I have advantage, which I needed. So that'll be a non-natural 20. Okay. That definitely hits. And then I do three whole damage. Okay. And he has continued to be knocked prone. Man.

Matt, it is now your move. I was thinking maybe Donut runs up and shoves the stick in his mouth and then bites down on the stick. Oh my God. Oh my God. Awesome. Okay. So you're going to basically cat now. All right. So fireball normally hits everyone in a 20 foot range.

But because you shoved it in his mouth and I'll throw that to you because it's awesome and he's on the ground, it's only going to get absorbed by him. Okay. Because this is such a targeted move, he gets a dexterity check. Normally, if he does his dexterity check, he only takes half damage. Yeah. But now we'll say he does no damage and the fireball flies off into the distance because you're kind of aiming it up. Yeah.

But if he fails... But if he fails, he's probably... Is there any advantage that Donut gets because he is prone? Yeah. Like, it's easier to get it in his mouth or something? Should be like a dex, like, check against me. He'll do a dexterity save with disadvantage. We'll do that. There's nothing wrong with the cycle of... Oh, no. So he rolled a three. Perfect. So, yes. Cheerio takes 8d6 of fire damage. Into his skull. Into his mouth, which blows his head clean off of his shoulders. Is he okay? Uh...

He is not okay. These two guards come busting in to show off to their boss. A dog runs with a rope. One of them trips. Another dog bites him, and then someone shoves a stick in his mouth, and then his head just explodes. Donut stares at him. You know that moment where, like, when you're about to do something, you understand what's about to happen, but it's too late to stop yourself from doing it?

Donut, like, he's like already mid-job and he looks at the man's pure terror in his eyes and he's like, oh no, maybe I shouldn't do this but it's too late. I started jogging, I'm not going to stop. So it seems like we got one more of these trip and pop. We might as well just do that again to somebody.

And look, there's bones everywhere. I forgot to roll for the very good boy, Sam Watterson. Shit's going down. Sam's feeling a little spooked. Oh, he's awake. Yeah, yeah. He's awake now. Because you said the hunter was coming, right? So Sam is actually kind of freaking out right now. Very disoriented, not really knowing what's going on. I probably made a bad first impression on him. Just saw someone's head get blown off. He trusts you guys because you're dogs.

And he recognizes the mean lady with the whip. So he's going to use his ram attack on her. And he misses, unfortunately. So he kind of charges at her, but he's still getting used to his big human body. And he charges at her and just misses her completely. And she sidesteps. You know, like when the orc like dodges out of the boulder at the last minute in Return of the King? It's like kind of one of those. Which means we are back to the top of the order. And it is Freddy's turn. Is there anything I can like knock down from a high place? Axe of Fire.

fucking lutely there is a cat that feels like this all right so there's a human catapult act and the way the human catapult act works is that there's a giant like weight at the top of a very high like high dive kind of ladder and it's like an old cartoon where they shove it off and it lands on a seesaw and then vaults someone into the air so there's a big boulder up on top of something if you want to try something like that i'm not gonna be able to move it by myself though you

You could try to bring something up with you, or you could just... Because you're a cat, I'll give you advantage on not taking damage if you want to do like a human pile driver to jump off of there and attack somebody. I'll give you double damage. Cats are actually more likely to get hurt from shorter distances falling. So I'm going to go... Okay, I like that. I'm going to go up and get up as high as I can. Okay, we'll call that your move action. That'll be my move, and I'm going to just jump off and go...

I'm going to sail. I'm going to go sail. Leave it on my ADD, baby. And then just sail into. Sail.

So you're going to sail cat onto who? The cat person. You're going to take out the trash first, yeah. You're going to hit Matilda. Yeah. Okay, so you're going to go for Matilda. Which means she watched you do this entire thing. She was like, what's that cat? She hit you with an axe and then watched you slowly climb up a thing. What's that darn cat doing? All right, so Matilda's not the sharpest axe in the axe drawer. So give me an attack roll, Freddy. Seven plus three.

A 10? 10. Okay. So unfortunately, because she saw you do all of this, watches you jump down, and then she's able to sidestep out of the way. Now give me an acrobatics check to see if you take damage or not. 19. A 19? All right, so you managed to land. Very cool. I just hiss. Literally right back in front of her where you were a half a second ago. Incredible turn. Incredible.

So you rolled it in front of her. High level gameplay. You rolled it in front of her and she's like, what are you doing? And he ran up and then leaped down and missed. I will say, when you play and she goes, aww. So like, maybe she'll be a little bit more inclined to be charmed by you after this adorable move you just did. Don't give him a consolation prize if he fails. You have failed at D&D. We move on to other players. The entire party is stupider for what you have done.

It is Chip's turn and Chip is enraged at the loss of his... How about Cheerio? Yeah, that's right. Chip is enraged at the loss of his good, good buddy Cheerio and furthermore, to wit, realizes that dog has a fucking wand of fireball so he's going to come straight for you, Matt. Bite stick, bitch. Damn. Wow. I got angry.

Don't kill the man. He's got that taste of blood. He's going to make an attack on you. He's got a big spear and he's going to jab at you with it. It's a hit. It is a hit and a half. Oh no. He's going to do 1d8 plus 1. That's going to be close. He gets you for 3 damage. It is now Bethela's turn. I think he ripped off one of my ears. Oh god. Yeah.

He ripped off your ear? Maybe like, okay, yeah, I mean, good lord. All right, well, I guess you guys are going to heal up at some point. I don't get my ear back. I got one ear now. Reacting to Sam Waterston charging at her and her dodging out of the way right before he tramples her. She pulls out, remember that gem that she had back in the forest where she was able to make him walk like straight through the portal? So that is a gem of Dominate Beast.

So she is going to use this turn. She holds up this gem and she says, you will obey me. And she's going to cast dominate beast on him. The very good boy is going to have to make a wisdom saving throw again. He makes it. So he's, you see his eyes start to glow over black again, but then he's able to shake it off and he gurs at her. God is so fucking weird. Okay. So that is her turn. We are now to Beth. I am going to try to, uh,

scurry up her back and bite her arm or something. Okay, to get her to drop it? Yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Give me an attack roll. Okay.

That's a natural one. Okay, so that does not work. And not only that, but as you try to vault up to her arm, you trip on the ground and you are now knocked prone. I was too fast. Anthony, it's your turn. So as a minor action, I will daintily remove one of the healing biscuits and then toss it to you. And I say, this time you are allowed to eat it. If only you would get the ones that we gave you the first time. You ding dong. But.

But now having established the trip and pop works, I'm going to try to trip chip. Chip is the one that's last. I'm going to try to trip chip. Because we would feel too bad if we tripped Matilda.

That is going to be a 10 for my bite. You're a 10 for the AC? Oh, for the attack. Oh, you're just trying to knock him over. Yeah, I'm trying to bite him and the bite has the saving throw thing. Unfortunately, that does not work. He's actually got a pretty high AC, so you kind of bounce right off of him when you try to knock him on the back. He's wearing real thick jeans. Yeah, he's got JNCO jeans on. I'm sorry. You just get a mouthful of JNCO. You get caught on his chain wallet on the way down. Man, this guy's fucking cool. It's your turn, Matt. I wish you didn't throw me the biscuit.

So even though it makes no sense as a player, I feel like Donut, he sees the biscuit, he goes, oh, he just drops the stick and eats the biscuit. Oh, oh.

Okay, from nearby Mochi goes, don't let you fucking mook. You fucking idiot. I don't know if it takes a full action to pick up the stick again. Oh, yeah, that's right. Then I pick up the stick again. Unless the biscuits are like peanut butter and you're spending your full action trying to get it off the roof of your mouth. Roll a 2d4 plus two hit points for your healing. I rolled a three plus one. So four. Okay, so you're back up on top. Give me a dexterity roll for picking up the thing. We're going to see if you set off the fireball. What do you pick it up?

I got an actual one. Oh, no. Did you pick it up from the wrong end? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. All right. Throw a pen. Throw a pen. And then whoever it points at is who the fireball got shot at. And if it points at me, it's in my mouth. If it points at you, it's in your mouth.

No, I want to do it. I don't trust you, Matt. I want to die. Give it a spin and throw it. Give it a spin and throw it. Okay, this point. Matt has a pen. He has a pencil in his hand, and he's going to spin it, and he throws it, and it's landed. Oh, my God! Where did it go? It's pointing at Matt! No!

No! What did you do? Oh, man. All right. So I'm going to give you the same chance I gave the guy you killed. I'm going to give you the same two minutes you gave me 007. So give me a dexterity roll. And they killed me. This is your fault. You threw me the biscuit. It's your fault for being a good role player. Give me a dexterity roll. The way to play D&D is to not actually care about your character and just try to do the right thing. Yeah, fucking matching up

Marlon Brando method actor for you. What'd you get? 17 plus one. Oh, thank fucking God. Okay, so... You only take half damage on 46. Well, no, because what I said to the other guy, when Matt put the thing in the other guy's mouth, I gave him a dexterity roll and if he made it, it was zero because it was so targeted. Okay, so basically, you start picking it up and then you feel it get real hot in your mouth and you spit it out and the fireball blasts

and it hits the center mast, and now the entire roof of the tent is on fire. And so you guys have three rounds until it collapses and you all die. Okay. Remember, your goal here is to get home. You have to reiterate that we don't want to die. Let's summon a spectral mansion and put the tent inside there. Yeah.

Okay, so now it is the very good boy's turn. The very good boy sees the tent starting to burn and is really fucking starting to freak out now. And he is going to run towards the back because he's just trying to get away from this fire because she's pretty close to the post. So he's going to run and then he's going to drag the rope with him.

He might clothesline himself. There's that stake on the end of the rope is what I'm thinking. So everybody in the room is going to roll a dexterity saving throw. And then whoever has the lowest throw is going to get hit by that stake. It's like the bulldog in Babe 2 and he's going to hang himself off a bridge. Okay. I want to get... 11. I'm going to get a 19, though. Disgusting.

So fast. Chip rolled a two. Matilda rolled an 18. And Bethela rolled a one. So a big old fucking steak comes flying at Bethela Demay's face and she just gets clobbered by it. So she is going to take 1d12 damage. Oh, this could kill us. So she takes five damage and she is not prone. The only way we had the pop. We're back to the top of the order. It's Freddy's turn.

I'm going to try charm person one more time. Okay, let's get it. You're so used to being Glenn where everything charming works all the time. Alright, because you did do your cute little move last time, I will give you advantage. But then that's it, then I'm cutting you off.

All right, you got a six. You've charmed her with your wacky ways. She goes, oh, I can't stay mad. Okay, cat. Oh, you're a good little cat, aren't you? The charmed creature regards you as a friendly acquaintance. And that's it. I think he smells my cat, she says. I'm going to pretend to be like, oh, I'm so hurt. Yes, that's the cat. Bring them in for a pet. Oh, no. Are you her little baby?

boy. Oh, my little paw. It hurts. Oh, dear. I seem to have injured myself in the fall. Oh, if only you could bring me out. Bring me out. That's going to look really close at your paw. You don't have to kill her. You just have to get out of here. Yeah, you've got an ally on your side now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think I'm going to have her, you know, like, bring me out. You're going to ask her to carry you out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get me out of this flaming tent I'm in.

And Matilda's like, oh, this is way too scary a place for a cute little cat like you to be. So it's her turn next and she's going to scoop you up and run towards the exit. At the end of her next turn, she will be outside. I'm out of here, suckers. So it is now Chip's turn. Chip is real freaked out by all the crazy shit that's going on. You just attacked him, right, Anthony? Uh,

Yes. Okay, so Chip is going to take a swing at you, or he's going to take a jab at you, rather, with his spear, and he gets a 16. Yeah, that'll do it. He does four damage. Ooh.

How much health do you have? One HP left. Eat those biscuits. Matt, it's your turn. So we're trying to get out of there. Beignet is hurt. Beignet has one HP left and is in the middle of a fracas with chip. You should vomit up some of those biscuits into Beignet's mouth. There are some extra biscuits left, I think. If you want to vomit a biscuit, I will make that a 1d4 plus one. I was just going to run over and grab a biscuit from his back and like, you know,

Give it to him. If you do that, you're going to have to do a wisdom check not to eat it yourself. Oh, that's good. Donut is going to run and he's going to open up the bag and he's going to eat all the biscuits.

And then I'm going to vomit it into his mouth. You're going to eat all the biscuits and then vomit them into his mouth? I don't think I can withstand. You don't understand. No, then just don't heal me. Ben Yeh is saying, leave me alone. It's fine. Just go. Save yourself. But he smelled the biscuits. No, he smelled the biscuits an hour ago and he didn't do it. Don't fucking eat my biscuits. Just go. Just leave me alone. Ben Yeh wants to roll a dexterity check against Donut eating his biscuits. Why are you getting the advantage on your dexterity? Because it's a performance. I'm trying to fucking move away from you.

I'm trying to intimidate you and make you realize Beignet's fucking got it. Yes, Beignet's trying to intimidate you, so Beignet gets it. So thank Christ I got advantage because I got a natural 20. All right, so now... If I roll a natural 20. If you roll a natural 20, then both of you punch each other in the face and whoever hurts each other worse gets the roll. Well, then that means you'll win. I got a 13. You got a 13. All right, so describe to me you running up to help. I ran up to him and I was like, Beignet, let me heal you. And I try to...

Eat the biscuits. Beignet feels his big stupid mouth coming towards the pack on her back and Beignet darts forward just a little bit and then does the Beignet pose and turns around and looks at him and the sheer confidence, entitlement, and smugness that she has perfected over years of Instagram goes deep into his soul and he stopped dead and Beignet goes, you've just been influenced. Oh!

Outstanding. Okay, yeah, then Donut just keeps running. You ran up, tried to help him, and then ran back. Yeah. Okay, I love it. I assumed he was in the way, but yeah, yeah. Scree! Does that sound like the...

And even though he wasn't hungry, the fact that he was denied food and now he feels hungry. Damn. I was like, damn, now I'm hungry. Bethela de May is still pinned by this giant stake, which is lying on top of her. So she's going to make a strength check to see if she can get out from under it. She does. So that is going to be her move. And then she sees Cookie right there in front of her who tried to bite her. But she's actually going to go to try to pick up the thing from the ground. She goes to pick up her gem of dominate beast. Her gem.

She sees her idiot number two, Matilda, running out the door with this cat. And she's like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, get a hold of yourself. So she's going to cast... Mochi's going to glare from on the, you know... Yeah, you're over her shoulder glaring back at her. So she's going to cast Thunderwave on the two of you. What? Freddie, I'm going to need you to make a constitution saving throw. That's going to be 16.

Minus one, 15. 15. You take 1d8 thunder damage. Two damage, and that puts me down to two life. Okay, so Matilda takes a big old hit. Hell yeah, bro. She takes 13 damage. Big old toke off of that thunder wave. Also, when she gets hit, it yeets her 15 feet away. So the two of you have been blasted out of the tent now. So you are outside. Hell yeah, bro. So this is working out great for Mochi. Mochi's having a good time. Yeah, damn. Beth. I think that we all want to, like...

keep eyes on the very good boy. So I think Cookie is going to be like, hey, if we all grab hold of this rope, we can use it kind of like a leash to keep tied to the very good boy. And so maybe that's a plan.

But also, I'm going to attack this person. She's just going to run over and slit Chip's throat with a knife. All right. Make an attack roll, please. Whoa, 19. I swear to God, I rolled more 19s in this fucking thing than ever. All right, that hits. I'm also cheating. Roll damage for me.

Fuck. One. Ooh, so he is knocked down. Oh, wait. Plus one. Plus one. So two? Yeah. Okay. Chip's got it.

So yes, you've knocked Chip down. He looks a little beefed up. And yes, so to your point, if you guys want, so the very good boy is running towards the door. There's still about 30 feet of slack rope in the stake in the tent. But if you want to grab onto that rope with your teeth, I'll give you a skill check to hold onto it. But that means you will move when the very good boy moves. So you'll get extra feet out the door, so to speak. I think that's good. Okay, Anthony, it's your turn.

All right. So thankfully, because cookie knocked down ship, I don't have to do a disengage action or provoke an attack of opportunity. So I can just immediately eat one of my healing biscuits, which would have to do that. If you just ate my vomit. So I get nine HP back. So I'm up to 10. Nice. 12. As a team, two actions for those nine. It was worth it. It's worth it. Rather than you vomiting them up and making them half as effective. That's what I'll say. But we got,

We can always dream of what might have been. And then I'm going to move away towards the door. Okay, great. So you've got one turn to get out the door. Okay. All right, so we are now at the very good boy's turn. He gets to the door, but he's too big to get through the door. Oh. Big Sam waters the door. Big Dick and Sam waters the door and kind of drops down and starts army crawling out the door. So it's just his butt and legs in the room right now. Full moon tonight. That's all we need, right, boys? Oh, God. Yes.

You're the best part of Sam Watterson and watch him crawl away. Getting stuck in a door.

Step, Sam Watterson. Step, Sam Watterson. I'm stuck. My dream is a Winnie the Pooh situation with Sam Watterson. That's exactly what this is. It is now the top of the turn order. You have two turns. That's such a grotesque view. Have you ever seen a man bend down? Oh, no. God. Because it's not like Winnie the Pooh. There's not old sacks flopping down on Winnie the Pooh. It's a rabbit.

view from Winnie the Pooh. I love that there's definitely people who are listening to this being like, wow, fun pets, cute pets. And then we've just assaulted their mental image. You know what you signed up for. Oh my God. 69 episodes of bullshit in the first campaign. You knew what this was going to be. 68.

In the half. You're right. Freddie, it's your turn. So I'm outside, but I see the front. You see the front half of Sam Watterson poking out. You want to help him out? I want to grease up Sam Watterson. Who doesn't? To help him get through. What?

What the fuck did you think I meant, Matt? I just didn't know at all. It's a weird phrase to say out loud. Now I understand what you're saying. All right, so is there like a tub of lard or like shortening or something? Like medieval-ass shortening? Yes, you are nearby. Oh, because they were doing like some fair carnival. So yes, there's an old grease vat

near the turkey leg stand. - Yes. - The mystery meat stand. As you're looking for something to grease him up with, Matthew Arnold, a worker, a talking zebra at the fair comes walking over on two legs with a big grease bag. He's like, "I can't believe they still make the zebras do this bullshit."

I'm sick of my job doing this stuff. So he's walking towards you. It's uncanny. Matthew, grease up this Sam Watterson looking motherfucker with the grease. Oh, I don't know. I'm supposed to properly dispose of this grease. If I get in trouble, I can't buy my Peace Hammer 20,000 figurines. Nice piece.

Peacehammer 20. Nice. Because it's a crazy, topsy-turvy world that this takes place in. That's the sort of quality lore building you get. In the grim, dark future, there is only peace. In the nice, fun future of Peacehammer, there's only vibes. I feel attacked. I didn't sign up for a roast tonight. Give me a perception check.

Four. Okay, because you rolled bad, you think it's five zebras. So the stripes, you can't tell how many there are. That's true. No, no, no. Because the zebra is evolved to blend into the environment. I guess what? Predatory cats. There's going to be a lot of vertical stripes around. So you think there's a bunch of zebras. I go, zebras, look over there. I don't know why I have a French accent. Look over there. Because you want to be like Ben Yates. It works perfectly. You literally become Ben Yates. That's true. Look over there.

That's America's sweetheart, Sam Marsden. That's America's eyebrows. He owns this whole fair. Can't you tell? He's the centerpiece, and he's stuck. You must help him with the grease from the turkey legs. I keep looking at Matt like I'm expecting Matt to make the decision. All right, give me a charisma check.

A natural one. A natural one. All right, Matt, tell me how Matt Arnold, the zebra blows off Freddie here. Probably kicks him. He picks him up and puts him in the vat of grease and closes the lid. That's great. Oh my God. That's perfect. This is exactly what you want. Cause then you can escape and you're a little greasy sponge. You can do it yourself. Yeah. You can rub your greasy body all over him. Oh yeah. I like that. Yeah. He just dunks you in.

Yeah, now you're greasy. Yeah, that's fucked up. You got a one. You got a one. So he doesn't even roll for that. Yes, you get picked up by the zebra who has the ability to pick you up. However, now, however, what is Matilda doing? Because she believes I am a friendly acquaintance. Oh, that's true. Matilda is like, that's not your cat, sir. That's not your cat.

So she is going to, on her turn, attack the zebra, I guess. I feel like that's beyond... Let me just let go of it after she said that. Yeah, rather than putting... I wanted to put the lid on and drown him, but she pulls him out. So now you're covered in grease, and now you're a slippery grease boy. That doesn't seem fair, because that's like a natural one, but it turned out great for me. I also feel like a friendly acquaintance wouldn't go to that much trouble. It's like... I'm on Twitter enough to know that friendly acquaintances are really just like, oh my god, that sucks. Ha ha ha!

All right, since you rolled a natural one, yes, Matilda on her turn is like, oh, God, that's, ooh, and she can't really see you anymore and she has object permanence issues, so she's like not really sure what to do right now. She replies, oof. She's also friends with Matt, the zebra guy. She's like, I really hope the two of you can work this out, but I want to stay neutral. I want to come between my friends. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

Let me know if there's anything I can do. She has a whole. And then she runs away. Matilda's out of the combat. Congratulations. It is Chip's turn. Chip is still alive. Chip is going to attack Anthony again. How long before this turns? Well, I moved away from him and he has to spend all of his movement getting back up because he got knocked down by Cookie. Fuck my butt. All right. So he gets back up and then he's going to use. Is this tent going to burn down? Yeah. And like. Next turn it burns down. There's one more turn. You're safe though. I'm safe.

He's going to use his ranged weapon attack to throw his spear at you. All right, he got a 19. Yeah, he got me. So he's going to roll a... He's not going to knock me out. He'll be fine. He got a five, so you've taken five damage. Back down to five damage. Damn. And he's starting to freak out because a timber of wood that's on fire just fell next to him. He's ready to get out of here. They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

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It is now Bethela's turn. She's like, I got to get the fuck out of here. This is a nightmare. I got to get my dog back. Well, actually, no, he's still stuck. None of you can leave. His ass is stuck in his... I know. We got to get him out. He's plugged up the entrance. And also, all the other innocent bystanders come to watch a fun time at the circus. Okay, Bethela DeMay is going to cast Thunderwave on Sam Waterston's ass and try to shoot him out. Nice. This is just like in the Bible. We all wish we could cast Thunderwave on Sam Waterston's ass. Okay.

This is just like the Bible, too. So he's going to make his dexterity saving throw with disadvantage because he's stuck in the door. So he takes seven damage and gets shot the remaining 15 feet out the door. So now the door is unplugged. I got fucking greased up for nothing. Yeah, I had a great idea, too. This is such a...

Good idea for us going forward. And also now you cannot go near that fire. It's true. Oh yeah, because he's greasy. He's greased up. Oh yeah. He'll get lit on fire real bad. Oh, that's true. So that it did end up being a bad thing for you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It is now cookie's turn. Yeah. So let's run out. You could try to grab onto the rope as it's getting out the door. Yeah. I'm going to try to grab that with my little doggy teeth.

16. All right, you bite into it, and on the very good boy's turn, he's going to start taking you out that door. Anthony, it is your turn. I'll do the same thing. I'll move out.

I got a 13. Okay, that'll do it. Matt? I'm rolling dexterity. Yes. Or strength or what? It's just because it's a bite. It's whatever you feel best represents you. 14 plus one, so 15. Okay, so all three of you have jumped onto an adorable fashion and sunk your teeth into this rope. And Sam Waterston has shot out. The very good boy has shot out of the door and he starts taking off running. Good. And so all three of you slide out the door. He's walking in.

The stake hits the front gate of the thing and takes out part of the support on the way out. So you see this burning tent crumble behind you and there's a burst of flames. How many people die? Huh? There definitely was people in there. Well, there was the two people. Everyone else ran out during the fight. Nah, because halfway through there was a big old butt got

in the way. That's true. There's definitely some people who are not coming back from the circus. I'm rolling a d20. Eight people died. We're responsible for that except for only sort of. Okay, so you guys are out in the middle of the crowd right now. Sam Waterston is reeling around sights and sounds completely unknown kind of freaking out. Just like when he's let off Seth Waddle. What is this world?

And there, it's a shit show. People are screaming. There are guards closing in on you from every possible direction. People like have lost their family members. Yeah, a couple people are burning to death inside of this thing right now. So Sam Waterston looks around and kind of gets his bearings. God, stop. The very good boy looks around, gets his bearings, and then sees a fence way down in the distance. Okay. Right? And then he looks back at all of you, and you see a mental flash. Because he can't really communicate, but he can kind of impart visions to you.

and you see a vision. Just like Sam Waterson. That's why he's so good on Law & Order. He's such a good actor. He says so much without speaking. Just from his eyebrows, he's able to communicate a whole story. The ideas of justice. And so you see a vision of all of you on Sam Waterson's back. Like the rest of the cast of Law & Order. Hell yeah.

You see all of you flying over this fence, and then halfway over, he turns back into the very good boy and takes off like a shot across the field. And you kind of get what he's imparting to you, is that if you can all make it over that fence, he'll be able to turn back into his wolf form and run far faster than anyone here can catch him.

Okay, so we should all climb on his back. That's what he was saying. Fuck, I'm covered in grease though, bro. You are covered in grease. And if there's one thing Samuelson and grease, fuck, it's hard to hang on to that greasy boy. As we all know, Samuelson specifically is very difficult to hold on to. I've got an idea for your greasy cat. He's like...

Mochi, if you try on my thunder shirt, then I can grab the straps of the thunder shirt and then you wouldn't have to worry about being greasy because, uh... Do you think I'm going to defile myself in a piece of doggy clothing? It makes you feel real warm like somebody's cuddling you, though.

Bring it to you. I love this as character growth. So you are going to. I will take off the. Wow. OK. Save a cat. Save a cat. Mortal enemy of dogs. OK, that's great. I love that. So, yes, finally, you were the protagonist. Yes. Freddie, you are now wearing the Thunder shirt. How did this happen?

How did what happen? How does a dog take off a shirt and put it on a cat? If you've had a pet and try to dress them up, it happens. It fucking happens. Yeah, they get it. Okay, okay. So basically, the camera pans away for a second, and you hear like a bunch of zippers and Velcros, and someone goes, a wooga, and then someone says, that's not my, sorry. And then when we come back, you're wearing the Thunder shirt. All right, so what do you guys want to do? I kind of just want to bite onto, you know, Sam Watterson's butt, like the Gerber baby or whatever. Yeah.

Hang on to those hams. Yeah. All right. Let him run. Okay. So we are now going to begin a thrilling chase. Sam Waterson definitely has hair on his back.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You're going to get sued by the Waterston family. Wait, is it Waterston? I don't know. It's with a T. Can you imagine going to Discovery? It's like, it's always slander if you can prove that you don't have hair on your back. Show us your back, Samuel. I'm just going to do a quick search, Sam Waterston shirtless. We have to watch every episode of Shorter just in case there's a shirtless scene with Sam Waterston. Hold on, I'm just checking right now on images. Go ahead and Google Sam Waterston's back and fuck up your adsense forever. Yeah, he is.

Yeah, he's a hairy man. And he is a hairy man. He's got some hair on his chest. So we're all on his hair. I'm looking at mancrushes.com. Hell yeah. Wait, what is it? Like literally just call him mancrushes.com. Yeah, mancrushes.com, Beth. Spelled how you think. Yep, he's definitely got hair. All right. So you all hop on to Sam Waterston and he takes off like a shot through the circus and we're going to begin a thrilling chase sequence slash

Skill challenge is how we're going to do this. This daring escape from the circus. Did I get picked up by a cookie? I feel like all the doggies are maybe helping hold on to Mochi. I'm not happy. Mochi's not happy. Climbing Cat's got sticky little paws, even if you're greased up. Is it crush or crushes.com? Man crushes, plural, Beth. While all of you are ogling pictures of Sam Waterston, I will continue. I don't think Beth's on the Sam Waterston page. David Boreanaz.

So as you escape the burning tent, you see chaos everywhere. As you're running, you see Bethela Deme sort of like Terminator punch her way through the flaming tarp of the tent. She emerges from the tent with a bandolier of sleep grenades on her back, like the ones that Anthony Birch threw at you many moons ago. And she whistles. She does like a little wolf whistle, and you hear something burst out of a cage. And she says, Teddy! Teddy!

To me! And a big-ass tiger leaps out of a nearby cage and charges to her side. She does, like, a cool Legolas flippy dip to, like, get on top of it, and now she's charging towards you. That's your cat. That's the pursuer. That's Beth's cat. She's not paying attention. Beth is. Sorry. We were literally looking at a picture of Jake Boreanaz. That was me. It was Jake Gyllenhaal. You're riding your giant tiger cat named Teddy into battle. Oh, my God.

No, you don't get to enjoy it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Teddy. And the first thing he does, kill somebody who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal. He kills Jake Gyllenhaal. The tiger tamer gets toppled over as Teddy rushes to your side, to Bethel to May's side. Trampled to hamburger. His last words were like, I wasn't right for the guilty. I'm sorry.

Sorry. No, fucking leave it in. Leave your like dog shit, but also right. Take in. As Sam Waters is bounding across this park, you pass like a frost wizard making snow cones for people. He's like one of those little booths, like doing little snowballs for kids. And then he sees you coming and he's like, oh shit, no, you don't. That's my fucking meal ticket. And he begins to cast a ray of ice on the ground with the aim of making it so slippery that you all fall over and crash.

So here's what we're going to do. You're all going to tell me what you would like to do to stop this guy. You're all going to make skill checks, and then we're going to throw all of that together to see if you beat the DC to pull off what you want to do. Okay. He'll be at the fence in like three of these challenges, and if you fail enough of them, Bethel Adame will catch up to you with her sleep grenades. I could rip off the Thunder shirt from Mochi and then try to like shield, like Captain America, use that to absorb the ice blast. Ooh!

I like that. There you go. So he's making snow cones. He's like at a little ice cream stand making snow cones and he sees you guys coming and he sees where you're running to. Does his power come from the snow cones? That's his one secret is that actually he has to eat one of these snow cones every six hours or he'll lose his frost power.

I'm going to try to knock over the snow cone machine. Oh, that's great. Okay, I love that. I think I'm going to ratatouille him, but I'm waiting for the attack, and then when the attack comes, I'm going to bite one of his cheeks to make him go, ow, and move his body so he dodges the attack. You're going to ratatouille Sam Waterston. Yeah, but from the butt. But from the butt. Ratatouille knights. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

You're the Pixar animators that are spare time and animate dirty movies. If Benio can't block it, I'm going to try to make him dodge it. Because I feel like he's not looking at it, right? He's just like focused on running towards the fence. Yes, that's true. You're trying to goose him a little bit. Yeah, it's like pushing somebody over like right before something hits their head. Freddie, what are you doing? I'm going to assist in that.

specific move there. There's a lot, but we need a lot of bite to like maybe well, I'll get up and like trying to maybe poke him in the eye to make him like flinch, you know, like that's all just try to do a combined. There we go. So you see the thread he doesn't you're trying to get him to essentially sort of like move or twist or yeet out of

the way of this thing. Okay, great. Everybody roll me a d20. Beth, we'll call yours a strength because you're knocking something over. Anthony, yours is like a dexterity. And then the two of you, what do you normally do for your attack? I would like to use wisdom because I feel like I'm like thinking how he's going to aim as I'm looking. I'm like calling the shot. I'm like seeing him winding up. I'm like, oh, that's where he's aiming towards. Okay, roll me the wisdom. Okay. And then if you do well on the wisdom, that'll give you advantage on the other part. Oh, yeah, that's a 21. Okay.

Okay, so now you have advantage on your strength roll to bite his ass. Great. I also got a 21. Nice. I got a 10 plus 4, 14. Okay. I got a 9. Still not great. I got 13 on my strength. 51 plus 13 is 64, which is enough. It was a DC 60.

So you are able, the wizard is about to fire the blast of frost. And then he sees a whippet come and knock his precious snow cone machine over, which causes him to freak out and misdirect the aim. The ray blast goes off. It hits the shield that Benye is holding and manages to blast the

like Captain America and hold it off. It deflects off the shield onto the ground where it is about to make the very good boy slip. And then your combined eye swat and butt chomp allows him to sort of buck and twist. He torques his life body in the air. Yes, he does a pirouette and beautifully sticks the landing on the other side. And I assume you guys are now running alongside him.

Yeah, we did it. All right. Let's do it two more times. You are being pursued relentlessly by Bethel to me on her tiger. The very good boy is thundering and he's crashing. He's bounding through everything. He's rounding the corner to the midway and he's dragging that stake beyond all sorts of strange attractions and like weird amusements and stuff like that. And then we cut to two boys

burly handlebar mustached weightlifters like lifting big things and flexing and one of them's got a big hammer they see sam watterson running around they see the stake in the ground and then one of them looks at the other says this sounds like a job for us and then they like backflip over there and one of them grabs the stake and holds on to it while the other one raises his hammer up and he's going to try to drive that stake into the ground to stop the very good boy what do you guys do

Oh, I'm going to jump on the steak. You're going to jump on the steak? Yeah, he's not going to slam it down when there's a little sad looking puppy. Okay, very, very good. Very good. High risk, high reward. I love it. I'm going to says beignet by also striking a pose. An adorable dog and an adorable cat. Because one of them could be a cat person too. I rolled performance. I did the beignet pose on the steak and I got a 21. Okay, great. Damn.

What's Cookie doing? I actually might take a light chomp at the rope itself because I feel like if not now, then we're going to need to lose the stake before getting over the fence because that's probably just going to catch us up. Oh, so you're just going to try to bite the rope. You're going to try to free the stake from the rope. Yeah. Love it. Okay, great. So give me a strength roll for that. I'm just going to help Cookie over there. Okay, so two of you are going to attack the rope. Yeah, we've been the stake duo. During the chase one, when we saw two buff mustachioed guys, I did the Ferris Bueller thing where we run past them and then I run back and go, oh, what?

Jimmie Pell. Jimmie Pell Beignet. 15 plus one, so 16. So remember your numbers. Freddie, what do you have to do? Five plus one, six. I got a 10. Plus 10 is 32. 32. Plus 21. Plus 21 is 53, which is not quite enough. So here's what happens. The two of you basically cancel each other out because Beignet looks super cute and adorable and then

this fucking feral, greased up cat in a tactical vest hops on the thing. The whole site is so unsettling. The guy's like, ugh. And then he like aims the hammer to just squash you. Kill it. But while he's doing that, the two of you manage to bite down hard enough on the rope that you've caught their attention. And his partner shoves him and is like, no, no, no, look at those...

That's where the problem is. That's where the action is. And now the two of them see that you guys have cut through the rope. And instead of smashing the life out of this poor cat, the two of them grab onto the rope and hold it down for like one big burly moment. And that caused the very good boy to just stop dead in his tracks. And now he's struggling against this rope. And they're like,

And meanwhile, Bethel Adame has caught up a little bit. So she's closing ground on you. You see her around in the corner. So what would you like to do? Murder them. Yeah, sounds like bite some nuts. I was literally like, buy a nut. One nut each, you think? Yeah. Oh, yeah. There's four of us. There we go. Hopefully there's four of them. We'll call that a strength roll from all of you. Natural one.

that's a natural 20 plus ones. That's 21. I got 15, 15. So that's what? Don't roll a 35, 36, 19, 36 plus 19. Uh, we'll give the very good boy a roll. Cause I should have been doing that all along. You accidentally bite one of our nuts, bro.

Damn. What nuts? You've all been neutered. And he got an 18, which puts you over the edge. So the very good boy gives a tug on the rope, like one big hard tug that sends them tumbling over. And then you managed to bite three of their nuts. And so they scream in pain and drop to the ground. And now the very good boy is off like a shot again. Okay, great. Which brings you finally-

to the fence and there's like a phalanx like in 300 when they all get up with like the spears and everything there's like a whole shitload of guards guarding the front door but the very good boy seems undaunted he skids to a halt like the bike in Akira to motion for you to hop on his back as he fucking bounces straight over this fence it's like

So I assume you guys all hop on. Yeah. He takes a running leap and vaults into the air and he's sailing towards that fence and it's beautiful. He's going to like skim right over the top of it. So right as he's flying over it, he's going to make it. He's going to barely make it. A figure stands up.

on the edge of the fence. And it's this badass woman. And she's standing there. She's got a hood and she's got a steely glare. And you realize, oh my God, it's Osh Lee Birch, the more competent druid sister of Anthony Birch. And she's got a gigantic net with her. So you're in midair in slow motion as this druid is about to cast a net to catch the VGB.

I tell her I haven't watched Mystic Quest. Yeah, I tell her I haven't watched Mystic Quest and I don't plan to. It's actually pretty good. I really liked it. Yeah. Must be nice. Okay, so make a performance check for that, I guess.

She is, in fact, on a mythic quest right now, so that really hurts your feelings. 18 plus 4 is 22. Dang. Damn. It's not all about the career, you know? Donut's going to leap at it because once it hits something, it wraps around. So Donut's just going to take a sacrifice. And as Donut leaps, he looks at Cookie and says, Oh!

across the road there's three puppies just tell Terry and then I leave oh my god okay Matt loves killing himself in one shot mini series yeah I think that cookie's gonna go for her face like not the the net but like her face I watch you jump too I go no and you're faster so you're like as I'm saying it you're like already past me I'm like don't this is the better choice

I feel like Mochi's in Sam Waters' hair being like, it's okay, I'll tell the story. Don't worry, I will handle it. So I'm going to fly into the air and turn into a whirling dervish of claws, of teeth and nails. I'm terrified. And the idea is to like slice a hole through this net.

So that if it does land, it'll, you know. Okay, great. All right, everyone, give me your rolls. Nine plus four, because it's a claw, 13. Dexterity, I guess, and I'm just leaping. Yes. I mean, that's still a five. Can't even sacrifice yourself, right? Uh-oh. Plus five, plus. 22. 22. 11. Plus 11 equals 51. And now the very good boy gets a roll. Roll over. Roll over. Roll over.

you guys got a fucking 59. I'm not kidding. So here's what happens. You're flying in. She's completely unfazed by you trying to diss her about her very successful mythic quest that she's on. She's like, yeah, I know that figures you'd be insecure about that. And then, and then he's like, more people listen to Dungeon Daddy. Yeah.

And then she's like, I have an Emmy and I write on Mythic. Cookie, you take off like a shot for her eyes and she just sort of effortlessly dodges and gives you a little wink as you go sailing straight past her towards the ground. Matt, she gets the net into the air and both you and Freddie and the very good boy all get tangled up in this net.

Freddy winds up scratching you up instead of scratching the net. And all of you go crashing down onto the ground. Beth, you're outside the net. The rest of you are inside the net. You see... Sandra Bullock. You see Sandra Bullock in the net. And you see... Holy shit. My man. Right there. Don't worry, I got you. So you see that sort of phalanx of guards at the entrance all part ways as Bethelodomay is coming around the corner. You guys have one turn to bust out of this net.

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See store for details. What do you do? We chew. I'm just greasing my way out of there. You just don't care about us? I mean, I'm good. Oh, yeah, I'll clot. I'll clot. I'll get through it. I'm free. And then you turn around. I'm going to bite. But I feel like since I'm so fast, I can, like, take at least one good chop. I feel, Anthony, like I could take... Beth found a secret extra rule in Dungeons & Dragons, which is...

You just say that you are a thing. You get to do the thing better. Yep. That's my entire career because I'm very fast. I am going to give one good chomp to like each. Like Edward Scissorhands-ing it. I am Edward Scissorhands-ing with myself. Certainly an evocative image. Yes. Yes.

So what are you doing? Tying a cherry stem into a knot. Yes, I'm biting through the net at different parts in a very Edward Scissorhandian way. So you're trying to like carve out like a hole. Yeah. So you're biting, you're biting. Yeah, Donut's not very fast, so he just does one part of the net. He does one big chunk. And I claw, but I got two claws. Okay, and then what is Beignet doing? I think Beignet will whisper to Sam Watterson like, my wish is for all of us, including you, to go to Else. Give me, everybody give me a roll.

13. 19. Beth, did you forget that you're fast? That's advantage of your fast. Make sure you check if you're fast. It's advantage if I'm fast, though. What do you got? Beth's sitting here deciding if she wants to cheat or not. Well, okay. I'll be completely transparent with you. I rolled it, and then it landed on this other dice, right? And so I shook it because it was a four, obviously. I was like, yeah, I'll fucking shake it. And then it landed on an 18. So I think I...

Probably in the interest of four. It does seem like you would have shaken the dice box if it had been an 18 when it landed on the other dice. I probably actually would have, but that's more of a me issue. We'll never know. We never will. Unfortunately, that is a 50. And...

Sam Waterston got a natural one. It was like that part in Edward Scissorhands where Wynonna Ryder comes out and he accidentally nicks her with the scissors. All of you are trying desperately to chomp at this thing, but it's just too much net. You get more tangled up into it. The very good boy, realizing that you're all in danger, wants to Hulk out of there and just stand up and bust out. Waterston smash!

But he's just not strong enough to do it. I wish I'd taken off the bracelet so he became a dog and chomped. I mean, that wouldn't change anything. And now Bethelodime has barged out. It's slow motion. Teddy the tiger is thundering towards you. She pops the corks. Ultimately, I just want them to win. I'm chill with this. She pops the corks on two sleep potions like grenades in the rock. And she's about to hurl them at you. And you have one move. So what do you guys want to do?

I want to roll better. Yeah, I'm going to chomp Bracelet off so he turns back into a very big boy. Very good boy. Yeah, same. And then that'll help him get out. Yeah, because he'll change in terms of size and that'll throw something off, I would hope. Well, he has teeth now. Yeah. Well, she's throwing grenades. It's not like she has to be bat specific. But yeah, the teeth, maybe he'll cut out through the thing. Okay, all right. So the two of you are going to chomp to get the thing off. What are you two doing? Remember, you're outside of the net as well. I'm in. Beth, you're fast. Oh, yeah.

Maybe Donut will actually try to eat the grenades in midair because he's eaten so much garbage in his whole life. I feel like he's got really strong stomach. Ooh, I like that. That's what I'll do because you're already taking off the thing. Now you will have to get through the net first. So that's part of it. So I'm going to do the same sort of thing again. RIP to you, but I'm fast. So you'll go for the faster grenade and I'll go for the slower grenade. No, I'm just going to try to chew people out. Okay.

Okay, that's great, because then she can make a hole for you to get out. Yeah. And then you're trying to get a hole for the very good boy. What is Beignet doing? Beignet is going to holler at the two buff mustachioed men and be like, you boys, this woman is going to hurt all of us. The strongest thing to do would be to protect us. And there's a little performance dance of pitifulness to try to convince them to help. Okay, great. Everybody give me a roll. I got 18. 18. 14. 14. Is it a 418? It's a 1. 1.

Okay. Freddy? Or what's your dexterity? Oh, dexterity plus one. So... You're fast. How do I have more dexterity than you? Twelve. Well, you don't say that you're fast all the time, so... Okay. The very good boy is going to roll...

Very good boy rolled very well. You guys were at a 46, which means you needed a 14. The very good boy rolled an 18. Nice. So here's what happens. Donut, you eat one of the grenades. Cookie, you're tearing ferociously at these things. I did it all good. Hashtag manifest. Don't quite manage to rip them open, but you inspire Donut with your passionate energy and so that Donut is able to bust through the ropes anyway. Freddie, you are able to claw

through the collar and we're all finally relieved of the image of big naked Sam Waterston as he turns back into the very good boy giving him the power to bite through and escape the net. And there's a lot of ladies in the sort of area you hear an audible like oh man. Half the audience stops listening to the podcast immediately. But then some people are like ah.

There's a blonde girl that comes running. She's like, Mom, look at what Phineas and Ferb are doing. And they turn the corner, and then it's just a big dog instead of a sandwich. Never mind. It's a Phineas and Ferb joke. Is he on Phineas and Ferb? No. Phineas and Ferb. Never mind. Don't worry about it. Not a lot of Ferb heads. No. Ferb heads. Ferbies. Ferbies. And meanwhile, the two buff weightlifters hear Anthony's play. They're like, my God, we're right. What kind of men are we? And then they beat up the woman. They go hit a woman.

Yeah. They push her over as she's throwing them. Actually, that's feminist. They push her off of Teddy as she's about to throw the grenades. Basically, what I'm going to say happens is, Donut, you get indigestion from eating it. But don't forget that the potion is landing right next to what is it, eight biscuits of healing? Yeah, so you basically eat this thing and it triggers hella gas in you. And so then you fart and you fart out the sleeping gas back

at Bethela DeMay and she passes out and she curls up with her big hat. So in this mini-series I get to fart in Beth's face. I didn't even think about that. So go fart in Beth's face. If you can fart in Beth's face then it happens. If you can't then it doesn't happen and we all die. You want five innocent dogs to die or do you want to fart in Beth's face? So Matt is walking across the room. No he's not. Beth is pulling out a gun. Matt is

Matt is walking slowly with his hand and be like, Beth, you don't need to do this. She's double tapped Will. Oh my God, Beth. Now she's farting on his corpse. Holy shit, Beth's doing the whole John Wick routine. Beth's the DM now. All right, Beth, what happened?

And then I do a backflip. Oh, she charfed it. Oh, she fucked up. You hate to see it. You guys, I assume, hop on the back of the very good boy and blast off in like the blink of an eye. He's across these fields. He's running and running and running.

And it's just the first time he's been free in so long. And it's just like this beautiful moment. And you can see in the forest, the forest getting closer, the magic forest you've been going to. And day turns to night and the sun begins to set. And the very good boy begins to slow down. It's like the end of a Mega Man game, you know what I'm saying? It's got kind of that energy, yeah. But eventually he gets tired. And the forest is pretty close now, but his old poor heart can't take it.

and he just collapses on the ground. He doesn't die. I'm just saying he's tired. He basically plops over and does like that big like, you know like when dogs lay down sideways and their giant mouth opens out like, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. So he's exhausted and so he's just kind of catching his breath for a moment. It's like the horse in True Grit. Yeah, Jeff Bridges shoots the dog. Yes, Jeff Bridges comes out of the woods. Or the sad thing in Never Ending Story, the

Yeah, our tax. Well, it's nothing. So he's just catching his breath. You know, he kind of stops by like a riverbank and is just gulping down water. It's not the swamp of sadness. It's not the swamp of sadness. He's gulping down water and he catches his breath. So he looks at you all with this genuine deep gratitude and you feel a love emanating from him. Like this almost unbearable amount of just unconditional love and joy that he has at seeing all of you. It's like a parent looking into their child's eyes for the first time.

But all the happiness is also mixed with this twinge of curiosity and confusion. He's so happy to see you all, to be reunited with the descendants of his lost pups who he lost on that dangerous jump so long ago. But he senses that you want to go away from him again, to return somewhere.

And he kind of understands like where you want to return to that. It's like across the ocean of stars from once you came, but he doesn't really understand why. And that's what he wants to know from each of you. And so he looks first at you, Anthony, with these kind of pleading eyes and wants you to share with him. And you can either talk or like, you know, paint an image of why you want to go back home. When I left my world with my, my muzzle kitty, um,

I was falling out of favor with her. I was lying to myself and trying to convince myself that she still loved me and she did not. And when I go back...

I want to strike out on my own as the first ever racist dog comedian. Because that will give me the validation I so desperately crave. You sense this look of recognition in him and he nods. And he's like, I'm racist too. I'm racist. I don't like cats and certain types of minorities. No. But he looks at you with this look of empathy and he shares a memory of his with you. And so the memory he has is of his person, his creator.

who he has this complicated relationship with, because that person is the hunter. You flash to this image of the hunter creating the perfect companion, this dog who is designed to be ever loyal, ever loving, always obedient. And he spent his youth at the side of this hunter, always trying to please this cold,

emotionless person and, you know, doing whatever he said, killing and hunting and slaying for him. And yet always feeling this kind of distance from him. So he, he empathizes with the way that you felt that you were never enough for this person. And so then he looks to you, Matt, and he wants to know why you want to go back home. Donut says, I mean, Terry's my master and I'm only going to be around. I know I'm old and I,

Those pups need, need food and help. And I need to get Terry, you know, if Terry has three pups, that's going to be three times the amount of love that Terry will have. Um,

Yeah, I just, I want to go home to Terry and I want to make sure Terry has, you know, another one of, you know, more of me, more companions when I go. He nods at you and he also shares a memory. He senses the love you have for Terry, senses the love you even have for these puppies you just met. And it reminds him of the ones that he loves. And he shares this memory with you.

He was walking in the moonlight one night with the hunter, and he heard a howl in the distance. And for the first time, his desire to obey the hunter, like a spell, it was broken. And he took off like a shot into the woods. And he met the love of his life, the very wild wolf.

This beautiful, terrifying, magical wolf in the wilderness. And he remembers the wildness in her eyes. He shares with you these memories of sneaking away from the hunter every night to be by her side. And he remembers the puppies that they had together. The puppies you saw on his back in that first memory. And he remembers being with them as a family. This secret family. And he remembers howling at the moon with all of them.

And then he looks at you, Cookie, and he wants to hear about why you want to go home. Cookie wants to fuck Balto. And he also wants to fuck Balto. Oh my God. You hate to see him. You see him, an image of the time he fucked Balto. Cookie looks at a very good boy and says, well, I'm...

kind of torn in a way because on one hand I've really enjoyed being a spy and doing all these cool cool stunts and and being very spy like but on the other hand my master Cody Banks he had a family that he wasn't able to be with because he was a spy I think that I actually had time to do both because I'm very fast and

So I'll go find Cody's family and then say, see you later. I'm going to be a spy. And then I'll travel around. Honestly.

I'll probably just stay with whoever will have me. A tear comes to the very good boy's eyes and he shares with you the memory of the worst night of his life. He was dozing peacefully with his cubs in the moonlight and he looked up and saw the very wild wolf on a cliffside. She was returning home with a fresh kill for the family and then he saw an

arrows sling out, sing out through the wilderness and strike the very wild wolf. It sent her knocking off the side of this cliff. And that was the last time he ever saw her. And he saw the hunter come out of the woods with a murderous, jealous look in his eye as he looked over the cliff. And then a look

of betrayal as he looked at the very good boy and then a look of hatred like he was going to punish him as he stared at his puppies and he felt in that moment that his master who he had been trying to please his whole life was about to slay all his children in front of him as punishment for him running away and

And that was what caused him to take off that night with the puppies fleeing into the sea of stars to come to this very world. That's what brought him here. And so he senses the trauma and the grief that must be filling your heart when you think about ancient Cody Banks. And he shares that memory with you and gives a mournful look.

And then he looks at you, Freddy, and he looks a little confused as to what you're doing here. But he does, he wants to know, you know, he's friend to Kat, and he wants to know why you want to go home. So Mochi closes his eyes, and we see an image of fire and destruction. Mochi sits atop a fascistic, like...

pedestal while human beings march in lockstep as all the books and all the human knowledge burn in giant bonfires behind them. Like be prepared from Lion King and Scar Singer. Yeah, and it's like tanks roll through the streets like chewing up cobblestone like a group of fucking There's one dog standing bravely in front of a tank. There's literally like a group of resistance fighters are

brutally gunned down, the rivers of blood, like, flowing through the streets, and then there's, like, giant banners of, like, this cat that's just in every... Why can't you just want to fuck Balto like a normal person? Amazing. The very good boy, you think he's gonna judge you for this, but he's like, oh, I get it. Like, you're a cat. I understand. And then the cat goes like, you know what you do have in this world? Order. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

A bunch of cats wearing red hats. The very good boy, unnerved, kind of like, okay, so I had a whole thing planned about how he was going to recognize you as the reincarnation of Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat. Hell yeah. That was going to be my twist on the scene, but I don't think you're Skimbleshanks. I think you were like Mussolini in another life or something like that. Or Skimbleshanks that had a second song. Yeah, the second one. The second song was

was very much about like he did keep the trains running on time. Yes, he did. It does work. All right, all right, all right. Well, in that case, he looks at you with a look of recognition. He says, I know that cat.

I know that cat anywhere. I met you many moons ago. And you flashback to his memory of the time he met you. The memory of the time he met you. And your last turn back from the Heaviside Lair, you could say that by and large, it was you who were in charge of the sleeping car express from the driver and the guards. That's right. All the trains on time.

You would supervise them all, more or less, when they crept into their cozy berths and pulled up the counterpane. They realized it was very nice to know they wouldn't be bothered by any mice. Yeah, cats do think of other species as subspecies of cats. And he's just like, ineffable. And he's like, well, good luck with that, Skimbleshanks. And

And he looks back at the three of you, his children, and he just wants to impart one last thing to you, which is the truth of all dogs, which is that in every dog. I don't care because I'm the cat. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Well, go ahead. The truth of all dogs, which is that in every dog, there is a very good boy and a very wild wolf. And he just always wants you to remember that. Oh, as he says that.

the hackles on his back begin to rise and an unnerved look comes across his face and he leaps up and he looks to the forest and you realize that the entire sacred forest is a flame and emerging from the flames is the hunter. Oh God. So the hunter looks basically like, like, imagine like,

the guy from Bambi, but gigantic and like meets Strider is essentially what the hunter looks like. You can never quite see his face. It's cloaked in flame and smoke and moonlight and he steps forward and the very good boy rears up and moves to protect you all.

and the hunter becomes marching forward and then he stops and he takes his foot off and you see his eyes and he looks at his dog with joy, with happiness to see his old friend and he kneels down and he whistles and he snaps his fingers and a portal opens right next to him and he says, come here boy, come here boy, come here and despite every fiber of his being telling him not to go, he can't help but obey this man's words and he takes off towards that portal.

And what do you guys do? Would that portal be for us to go home to? No, this is a portal back to the cosmic realm that this hunter is from. Oh. The very good boy is running towards this portal. He'll be there in, let's say, three turns. I howl like a wolf. You howl like a wolf. Yeah. I try to bring him the portal. Bring the other, yes, all the other dogs. Yeah, I'll howl too. Fuck yeah. I was really hoping you guys were going to figure that out later, but you figured it out now. And I just do that scene from the end of, uh,

fantastic Mr. Fox and I also just put my hand up. So you guys howl. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. Give me a dice roll for your howl. Just give me a straight D20. Benye got a seven. She does hers half-heartedly like ow, ow, ow. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. Natural 20 for what the cat does. Okay, just a horrible scream. I got a nine. Seven plus 20 plus nine plus 15. 15.

All right. So here's what we're going to do. I look this up. Okay. And a wolf howl can get up to 110 decibels. So we got to hit it. So I have here a decibel reader. Oh, he lives in an apartment complex. It wouldn't have been a cool reveal if, oh, I guess because it's going to be loud. Yeah. So what I figure is if you guys can hit, let's say 120, I will give you a plus five each to your wolf howl roll. It's logarithmic scale. So 110 to 120 is a lot.

Oh, is it? All right. Well, we'll say if you can hit 111. We can't do 120. You want to know why? Because loud noise above 120 decibels will cause immediate hearing loss and hearing damage. Like it's...

I did not realize it was logarithmic. So fair enough. What 20 is a jet plane taking off? Okay. All right. Well, you don't have to hit 120, but let's see if you can hit 110. Knowing that, I don't think we can hit 110. 110 is a concert. Okay. Oh, God. Okay. But a concert of Huskies in this apartment. Here's what we'll do. We'll say 100, and then for every point you get above 100, I will give a point on top of your individual rolls. Okay. I think we can hit 110. Now I'm worried. I just don't want to piss your neighbors off.

Okay, hold on. Let me turn everybody the fuck down. Loud and fast. Let's hear it. Three, two, one. All right, you did it. That was really more of a scream than a... We were desperate. That wasn't even a wolf howl. That was just four grown adults in the apartment screaming at the top of their lungs. It's primal like a wolf. I howled. I howled. I heard her. What did we get to? You guys got to 101.

You did it. You guys got 220. You have hearing damage now. I really should not have had my headphones on for that. 51 plus 20 is not enough, but you do see a spark of recognition in the wild, wild wolf as it looks at you and then just, but it can't quite overcome the need to obey handiwork.

his master. So everybody roll. Well, we try. You get one of those a turn. Go ahead and roll initiative. We're going to take your highest initiative as a group. Okay. We're going to go in groups here. 11, 13, 18, 14, 18. Okay. So now the hunter is going to roll. So it's going to be you guys. And then the hunter. And then the very good boy, you guys just went. So it is the hunter's turn. Okay. And the hunter seeing that immediately, like you guys are able to affect the WC.

the dog in front of him, he blows again on his whistle and the dog takes off going even faster. And so the dog is again, it's going to reach this portal in two turns. Now keep in mind, he does have a big rope trailing off with a stake on it. That whistle also causes on his belt, you see these five tethers shooting off into the woods and out of the woods attached to those tethers come five gnome dogs.

from the gnome village, but they've all been possessed by the hunter, and they're charging straight towards you, and he points at all of you when he looks at them and says, attack. Jacked up. These dogs have entered the fight. They got a natural one on their initiative, so they're going to go after the very good boy who uses his turn to run towards the hunter.

So you've got to get two turns left before he's going to get to this portal. Don't as old. He's not going to chase this. And he's just, he feels the wolf spirit. And he saw that the how almost, you know, reached him and he's going to put his head back in. How again, how to get home 19 on my own. Oh, there we go. I got an 18. Jesus. There we go. Almost as good as me. This is just a flat roll. Yeah.

19. 19. So 19 plus 8. Plus 8. 19, 19, 18, 8. Is 64, right? Nintendo. And then I said you guys all got plus 20 because you hit the thing, right? Nintendo 84. All right, so you hit the DC. I was like, I'll do it high enough so they all have to roll really good plus their 5 if they want to do it. The very good boy snaps out of his trance and skids to a halt. Does he do an oomph?

He goes, and sure enough, right as you howl, the very good boy stops and you hear a chorus of howls joining you from all across the ridge as all of the gnomes with their dogs who you were going to find out if you had freed one of the gnomes and he was going to explain to you that they all went into hiding and ran away, but now they've all come back. And this chorus of dogs joins in this mighty howl and the very good boy looks at the hunter with a sort of defiant gaze.

And the hunter's eyes go cold and go dark. And he draws an arrow, a glowing bright red arrow off of his bow and arrow and aims it at his dog. And with tears welling in his eyes, he prepares to let loose one last final arrow square into the eyes of man's best friend. And you hear one more howl coming from above.

and you see a sparkle in the sky and a bright light growing closer and closer and closer, and then something smashes into the ground right in front of you, and you realize it's the spectral shape of a wolf. Oh, fuck.

and it's the very wild wolf, and she's got a wound in her side, but it seems to have healed, and she looks at the hunter, and you see fear in his eyes for the first time, and he tries to turn to take that shot towards him, and she lunges at it and fucking rips his throat out. Hell yeah. And the hunter staggers back with terror in his eyes, clutching at his throat, and he falls backwards into his own portal and disappears. Damn. That hunter's name? Owen Wilson. He's like, you're a good dog. Ha ha ha.

That wolf's name? Marley. Yeah. And then a tiny cheer of a thousand gnomes goes up from the forest as everyone comes and rushes down to greet you. And you see the very good boy and the very wild wolf have a joyous reunion and nuzzle each other. It's like... Just start fucking going at it. Damn. We kept him in the same water stand. Oh, what are we doing? Put it back on. Put the thing back on. Put the collar back on. Put the collar back on. Very wild wolf looks like Jerry Orbach. Um...

So it's just sort of like a big happy wolf known dog. It's the fucking end of Return of the Jedi. Return of the Jedi-esque moment. Everyone's hugging and crying. We're burning Chip's body. You're burning Chip's body. And yeah, so after this moment of joyous celebration, Belita and Folger's hazelnut and his dog Francis Ford Popperla come up to you and Folger nods sagely and says, I was wrong about you dogs and cats. We are honored.

to call you friends you bow to no one etc etc and he gets off his dog and he puts his we don't really know you I don't get none of us care about you at all we want to just go home yeah I mean you're nice but friends are really that's an important humans that's a big deal how's Bethel and Teddy are they safe I don't know about that and then you see Bethel and Teddy corpse on the

on the horizon. Like literally the gnomes are feasting on their eyeballs. Like they're literally like little little Poochie and like fucking Gulliver's travels. They've tied them both down and are like literally just taking little slices of meat off. And the Return of the Jedi yub yub song is still playing. That's fine. Like fucking like we're that close. She goes, I go. I go, she goes.

As Beth always says to her cats, as we go one, we go all. Oh my god! Yes, so we'll leave the fate of Bethel and Deme ambiguous. You've more than helped us. You've saved the gnome home. You've saved the forest. You've reunited the very wild wolf and the very good boy. We cannot thank you enough. And of course, Glimtweet, can you help them get home? And so Glimtweet, the old shaggy dog, he looks at all of you and he says, Yes, I can help you do that. Now that the very good boy has returned to us, I can use his magic to save the world.

to send you to whatever home you wish. But I would be remiss if I did not offer you a chance to stay with us here in the forest. And he looks at each of you in turn. Nah, fuck that. Actually, I think, now that I think about it, if I go back to Earth, they won't be able to speak my language and my racism will be lost on them. Maybe I'll stay here. I want to go home.

Very well. You are so wise and old, and you could live out your years here in total comfort with all the treats and belly rubs that you want. You could live in peace. Or you could go here, and he shows you. You see through the portal your home. You see Terry, who's found these three puppies and is taking care of them. And she's still worried about you, but she's also found these three sweet babies that she's taking care of as well. Damn, did not need you at all, dog. Literally. He goes, oh, yeah.

I'm glad Terry's happy. There's nothing better than being near Terry when she's happy. So that looks like a really nice moment. I really want to go home. Okay. Well, that's, and that's, we bid you farewell. Also, you don't have donuts here. Oh, yeah. I looked. After you leave, it's like, oh, bring out the kerblungers. And there's just giant donuts. He turns next to you, Cookie. And he says, Cookie, we could, of course, use an expert spy.

And Barks McGee, the grizzled spymaster, says, yeah, I think you've got what it takes. You showed real spy initiative. We're going to have a lot of dark shit that needs to get done to bring gnome home back up to speed. And we can use a black ops hard-ass professional like you on the team. But I understand. This is where our mobile game could have happened, guys. Damn, yeah.

But I understand if you want out of this life and you look through the portal and you see a family being read a will by the executor of Cody Banks' estate. And he says, it says here in the will that he bequeaths all of you a cookie.

cookie, but there were no cookies found on his brutally murdered corpse. So I don't know what that's about. I don't really understand what the cookie is. And you see this sad, crestfallen family who does not understand the gift he wants to give them. I wish that like cookie's name was something that would sound way better than a dog. A million dollars. That's great. Million bucks. Five Bitcoin. That was the name. Five Bitcoin. Come here, Five Bitcoin. He's like, well, box, that's

So great to have your confidence in me, but it looks like I've got a bigger adventure to go to. First this family, and then to avenge my master, Cody Banks, by ruthlessly murdering whoever murdered him, becoming my own hitman. And he says, save some of that for the sequel. The dogs look to you, Freddie.

and they're about to say something, but then you hear a twinkling song on the distance, and a bunch of groovy cats descend from the sky, and they say, we heard there's tell of a jellicle in these parts. Fuck that!

The opposite of a fascist cat. Immediately, literally, like you don't even see a little fucking hip thrust from these fuckers. And I'm out of this bitch. You see the portal showing you the vet's office where there's a sort of bunch of grief stricken vets crying over a memorial for Mochi, the beloved Sheriff Mochi. And then finally, Globetweet turns to you, Ben Yane, and says,

Benyé, you have proven yourself wise and brave and charming and compassionate. I know. And you've got spine and you've got grit, and that's exactly the kind of thing we need in a new leader. I think you have the charisma to become queen of all gnome home, to reign with the gnomes and bring peace to this land and be adored and have your name etched into the books of history. Or you can go here, and then the portal shimmers, and you see through the portal,

Your owner, Kitty, posting a teary-eyed, inconsolable Instagram video about her beloved lost dog, Bambi. Not an apology. Parentheses, not an apology. Not an apology. And it's fucking going. I'm sorry if anybody else was offended. It is blowing up.

It's going huge. The engagement's off the charts. And she's like, I just miss him so much. I'm so devastated. So if you could please donate to the Beignet relief fund. Oh, she's even selling shirts. Beignet sticks her head through the portal and barks really loud and says, I'm alive, don't worry.

This is a lie. This is a scam. And then turns to the left and sees Churro the Corgi there and goes, you inbred Queen Elizabeth's bitch ass, fish and kippers and sauce ass, little bad teeth, Michael Caine, Ocean 13, worse than this series, bitch ass. Verse 12.

Why did you suck on these nuts? And then retracts her head back through the portal and goes, no, I'm going to stay. I don't, the leader of you, I don't care about you. I'm just going to do racist standup comedy. That's my thing. Okay. Uh, well, good luck with that. Gnomes are so stupid. They think a dog would want to be their leader. And then all the gnomes crack up. They're loving it. See, I'm so good at it. So as Beignet walks off,

into the distance to go start her promising career in racially tinged fantasy comedy. We cut to each one of your homes and we see as Donuts, there's a jingle at the door of the truck stop and Terry looks up and she sees you and she just bursts into tears and runs to hug you and three adorable little puppies named Crawler, Bearclaw, and Donut Hole. Donut Hole! Donut Hole!

Cinnamon roll. I look at Donal and I'm going to kill you. Cinnamon, I'll run up and start yapping. There's a dog named Cinnamon Challenge. Yeah. I look at the three of them. I go, that's a good racing horse name. Now listen here, young snap whippersnappers. The moment.

They go to sleep. I'm going to show you how to get to those donuts. And I look up at the counter and they all start licking their little lips. And a force ghost of donut appears. We cut to this family at the executor's office. They're like, sorry. And then they get a call. And so you on the other end, you look tired. Exactly. That's exactly what I was going to pull at you.

Agent Cody Biggs walks away. So yes, Beth, this family opens the door on their way out of the office of this law office and they see a gray little whippet on the ground looking up at them with big puppy dog eyes. And then they can't understand me, but I'm like, hi, my name is Cookie. I'll protect you. I'm a big spy. And I'm also, um, I you'll find this out soon enough, but I'm,

Varfoss. And then Elizabeth Banks picks you up and you don't have a tag on you because your thing got taken away, but she sees this look of kindness in your eyes and decides to adopt. Maybe we should call this dog Cookie. And this will be like Cody Banks gave him to us. Freddie, we cut to the vet's office and you just kind of march in from the toilet. You just think you are flush during the funeral. And then you emerge greasy

and wild eyed. Greasy with a fucking really too tight shirt and just a really mangy. And they go, oh my gosh. And then the receptionist like pulls out her phone and starts recording. It's like, look at what the cat dragged in. And everyone starts making fun of me and they're all laughing in the glee and I'm sitting there fucking pissed. And then meanwhile, you punch in Zoom on the views and the likes and it's just like, do do do do.

It's like a fucking mind going up and up. And I become everything I wanted. But at what cost? Everybody in the bathtub is going, greasy cat. Greasy cat. I'm like, no. No, not like this. Not like this. No. And the mom from Carrie like, throw.

And I walk into a hell of my own. And as Freddie walks into a hell of his own making, we fade out and fade in. It's open mic night at the Bully Dungeon at the comedy dungeon.

Ben Yeh, the dog. Can I give you some walking bass while you... Yeah, do it. We're going to get some walking bass going and Ben Yeh, the dog, is going to take us out. He's doing this live. With her type five of wacky, racially tinged Dungeons and Dragons fantasy humor. Why are you saying that I have the MC? Yeah, this is the MC, Rojogan. Thanks for coming to my edgy comedy club tour. We got a brand new act for you. She's quite a B-word.

Which I, you know, like we all know what I mean, right? Yeah, bro. Oh my God. Oh yeah. Yeah, right. I don't know what you mean. Elaborate. I hate women, dog. Dude. Please slap your meat sticks together for... Oh, that's so fun.

So random, right? And please give it up for Beignet the bitch. Oh, hey, everybody. Oh, what a crowd. What a crowd. Oh, so trolls, right? Oh, they get hit with sunlight and they turn hard. That's the only way they're ever going to make anyone hard. You know what I mean?

Little limp dicks. I know what you mean. This one knows what I'm talking about. She knows what I'm talking about. Orc. Why don't you just call them orcs? Because that's the noise I make when I see one of them or their dick. I specialize in racial dick humor. That's my niche. Elves.

Honestly, all racist. Dragons next. Oh, dragons, dragons. Oh, you mean dragging these nuts across your face? Not funny anymore, bro. Okay, okay. This dragon's dick is so small. How small? Fuck you. That seven dwarves and a hobbit had to go on a quest to find it. Even with a magnifying glass and a map. This bitch.

This poodle is so funny! This poodle is so fun!

Fetch Quest was Matt Arnold as Donut, Anthony Burch as Beignet, Beth May as Cookie, Freddie Wong as Mochi, and me, Will Campos, as your DM. Our theme song is by Maxton Waller. Our cover art is by Alex Moore. Courtney Tehran is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis is our editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. And Marci Campos is our game design consultant.

To all our patrons, thank you so much for supporting the show. And an extra special thanks this week to John Menethy, David Sams, Brent Everfoley, Pat

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Fuck it's so good. Cloud City.