Ep. 9 - Punk is Dad
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. ♪

He's an internationally renowned cover band guitarist whose antics on stage were only matched by his antics on the road. Oh yeah bro, Clem was always out of control. You never knew what that guy was gonna do. But while taking time off from his band, the Glenn Close Trio, he got sucked into a portal and lost his son, Nicholas. So like one second we're driving in the van, then the next second we're driving in the van, but like, in another world, man. Plus I lost my kid.

There he found a new band, a band of dads. They helped him steal a legendary guitar from a gang of thieves. I didn't actually see what happened, but my savior, Daryl, told me that everything went off perfectly without a hitch. But soon that gang of thieves came calling, challenging Glenn to a battle of the bands. Now, the rock star bard who's about to play the most important show of his life, Glenn Close. The story behind the music.

♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, rock and roll dad and bard. And today's fact about Glenn is he is a graduate of the University of Texas International, UTI. That's right, baby. You didn't realize it.

until much later when after the sweatshirts got put on. What's the school mascot for you two? They got little pinchers and they're just like, you know, because it's also like it's like in Houston, right? So it's like crawfish world stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You made it work. Yeah. He said continuing to justify his thing he made up. I was trying to make like a cranberry juice joke, but I couldn't come up with one.

Because you drink cranberry juice when you have a urinary tract infection. This guy UTIs. Just to clarify for the kids playing at home, the UTI means urinary tract infection. None of you guys UTI. I do not. I've never had one. Oh, I've had multiple. Damn. Whoa. Well, because once you have one, it's like weird flex, but okay. Yeah. All right. We get it.

That's right. That's your daddy master. I got a wide urethra can hold a lot of bacteria. Oh, man. Oh, my God. I'm Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay at home coach dad who's also a barbarian. A little fun fact about Daryl today. When he found out his son was more into soccer than football, he really wanted to get involved. But Daryl is a man who likes to handshake and not Google. So he went looking for an English pub.

to find out more about soccer. And that's where he met the Chelsea boys, who are his best friends. And nobody else knows about them because then he would have to admit to Carol that he drinks at 10 in the morning every day with his Chelsea boyfriends. Chelsea boys alcoholics? Well, no, because the time difference in order to watch...

If you want to go to an English pub to watch a soccer game, like a Manchester or Chelsea, it's like 11 a.m., so that's how he started learning. And those are his best friends, but in order to introduce them to his family, he would have to be like, where are you all day? Don't you mean his best mates? His best mates, exactly. Whereabouts is Chelsea in the U.K.?

Daryl does not know. Matt definitely does, but that, you know, I don't want to reveal it to you. He doesn't want to show up, Daryl. Yeah, I don't want to show up, Daryl. Does Daryl, like, slip up and use English slang occasionally around the house? No, he's pretty, like, they are very friendly. It's not about drinking. It's just, like, he's embarrassed to reveal that that's where he spends most of his day. Mostly because he's hanging out with Englishmen and being such a patriot. Yes.

But again, he really wanted to learn about soccer since his son was into it. Oh, that's cool. I thought it was going to be like Daryl was like, you know, an asshole about his son. No, no. He wants to support soccer. Yeah. He likes it now. Mostly likes drinking with his mates, though. Mostly likes drinking. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the granola munching, Birkenstock rocking, hippie tree hugging, nature dad slash druid.

A fun fact. I was thinking about this all day. This is what I got. A fun fact about Henry Oak this week is his favorite drink is a cold glass of water. Oh, my God. That's really good. Oh, man. Oh, no. Eight a day. Eight a day. Stay hydrated. It's like he needs it to survive. Yeah. He's addicted to this stuff. That's the joke he always makes when people ask. He's like, I'm a waterholic. What can I say? Oh, my God.

My best friend in high school literally gave that answer and it upset me for like a week. Like, I was like, I don't believe you. I can't believe your favorite drink is water. Hot take. Water's really good. Yeah, it's pretty good. Literally, I would die without it. Does he do the thing where like when he gets ice cubes, he's like, I'll have it on the rocks. On the rocks. Oh my gosh. If someone else wants some water, he says, water you waiting for? Oh God. Like all that stuff. Make mine a double. Oh my gosh.

Will, can I give you a honest to God water bottle like Seattle native tip and trick here for Henry is that Henry would definitely prefer the older soft plastic style Nalgene's that were made in the 80s. Dude, I grew up in Boulder. I know what a Nalgene's to me, but yes, absolutely. Yeah, the older ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Googling with the older ones. Why are they better? Because the older ones were soft plastic and were actually more indestructible. So Nalgene's whole marketing is they're indestructible, but

You can break them if you freeze water in them. The old ones would not break. They would just puff up. Yeah, it's one of these bad boys. That's what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old ones. Wait, do you have one? Oh, yeah, back in Seattle. Weird flex, but okay. It doesn't count if you tee up a flex. Your weird flexes are becoming a weird flex. No, I can't help it that you guys are obsessed with Nalgene and have UTIs. Sounds like somebody's jealous that she can't pee a lot.

I'm Beth May, and I should drink more water. I also play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron is that on a school field trip to the National History Museum, Ron got sick as a child and missed the tour part because he was, you know, in the bathroom, and he

He's not really sure if dinosaurs are extinct, imaginary, or whether they walk among us. Whoa. I like that that was the one shot he had to learn it. And then since he missed it, he was like, yeah, that's, you know, I missed my chance to learn the answer.

I think he's been trying, but you do get kind of conflicting answers. You watch Jurassic Park, The Lost World. Oh, no. Poor Ron definitely goes down the rabbit hole on YouTube and Google and can't figure out what's real or fact, huh? Yeah, he's like one step away from Alex Jones. Just kidding. Okay, so I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master. I feel like you already learned something about me today. Ha ha ha!

Oh, here's a shameless, horrible thing. So I realized like, oh, I should do daddy facts. I should talk about my own dad. And Freddie and I have the best story about my dad possible, which I'm not going to tell because it's too long. It

It should be on a Patreon thing. It's like a whole thing it would distract. Gosh, I didn't know you were hiding your dad fact behind a paywall. I know, this is great. Welcome to 2019. Anthony's a pro. This is the origin story of why we're all here today. Oh yeah, I forgot. We had the idea for this podcast while we were on a caper. We were doing a spy mission, like a real life spy mission. But yeah, I'll talk about that one day. One day. When you pay for it.

Okay. All right. So let's do some fancy bullshit. Okay. By the way, you can hear the story about the caper that launched this podcast by supporting us at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Okay. Thanks. Enjoy this episode. So the last thing that happened in the previous episode was a golden haired warrior from the red brands approached you, raised his guitar to the sky and then challenged you to a battle of the bands. So we're going to pick up like 10 minutes later because part of any good battle of the bands is having backstage time to sort of determine what's

what you're going to do. Like backstage time to short rest and regain your HP and eat some snacks. Actually, yeah. If you guys want to short rest in a green tent, then you are welcome. Green room short rest would be great. Go ahead and do short rest. All right. All right. While y'all are short resting, Ellery is there with you and she's like, oh, wow, battle the band. So this is going to be pretty intense. So I don't play any instruments. Who amongst you play instruments? Obviously, Nicholas, you do. And Nicholas is like, yeah, you know, I play drums.

Actually, is it cool? Should he play bass? What would you have taught Nick? I assume Nick would be a drummer. Drums? Okay, so he plays drums. Because it's definitely one of those ones where I took a look at the world. I'm like, there's too many guitar players out there. I know that drummers pull tail. And I'm like, I want the best for my kid. Oh, that's so nasty.

And bass players have no respect. Nobody ever has respect for a bass player, so it would be drummer next up on the roster. Henry dabbles in a little acoustic guitar, as I mentioned last time. He knows three songs. He knows Woody Guthrie's This Land is Your Land. He knows Kumbaya. Wonderwall. No, he doesn't know Wonderwall. He knows Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. Wow, that's a hard song to play. I don't know how to play guitar. He just really likes to do the ba-ba-ba.

Who doesn't, though? Who doesn't? I want to change my answer. He knows the one riff from Sweet Home Alabama. Oh, my God. So you're telling me he hangs out every guitar center in the country like 24-7? Jesus. Ron plays the recorder. And his go-to's are Hot Cross Buns. And that's it.

The only thing Daryl ever learned to play is that he played the bells in church, which means he only knows two notes. And is it fair to say he knows those? He knows that intimately. Well, he knows a lot of church songs where those two notes happen.

What were the two notes? He had E. Okay. That's a good one. Sharp. E sharp. Ooh, never mind. No, no, no. That's not good. A classic blunder. A classic blunder. And that's a bad miss. That's a bad miss. He had it. E sharp. I tried Googling. Wait, hold on. What did you Google? I Googled good notes. Did you Google good notes? I Googled bell notes. Okay.

Bell notes. Which is a band. I don't know music at all. Here's what I like about E-sharp as a choice. It's like the left field in Little League of bells. What's the smallest? Because it's like no one is going to... E-sharp is not coming up in a lot of songs. So they're clearly like, Daryl, you get to be E-sharp. Is that a very big bell or a very small bell? It depends on the octave. You know what I'm talking about? Church bells. Yes, I know what you mean about church bells. They went from very small to very large and there was about six people and each one had one in their hand and then they ding, ding.

Whatever, right? Yes, correct. Nailed it. He had the two smalls on the very right side. He had the two smalls. Well, smalls also determines pitch. Yeah, so it's like very high pitched. Okay. Just for me to you, Matt, E sharp is F. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

I already forgot what he said. Freddy weird flex, but okay. I think Daryl's going to, because he, but that's like a kind of percussion. So I think he's going to try to convince everybody that he can definitely play drums if you need him to. I can actually sing in chords, which you would only hear like after Patreon, but like, no, it really freaks people out. Wait, for real? Can you really do it? Yeah. Well then don't, yeah, actually you have to do it now.

Right now? You can sing two notes. I can sing two notes at one time. It's not really singing. It's like... Like a Tibetan throat singer. Or something. I don't know what's happening. Wait, really? Can you do it? Yeah. I'm going to sing Silent Night because that's what I know. Okay. Beth is taking her headphones off. She's going to go... Honk like a goose. Holy shit. Silent Night. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck?

This is not an audio thing Freddie is doing. This is happening for real. What the fuck? Like, please don't put it in the episode, but yeah, it's like weird, right? You don't want to put it in the episode? It's so good. It's like weird because I'm singing Silent Night, but it's not Christmas. We're all...

Holy shit. That's wild. I know. Okay, anyway. What's happening? Are we in Dungeons and Dragons? Are we doing Dungeons and Dragons? Yeah, yeah, sorry. It's really depressing when I think I can't sing like regular. Sorry, let me like reconfigure my brain. Sorry, guys. Because you pulled me out of a world of fantasy into a world of reality that's weirder than fantasy. And I have to go back. Okay, so Nicholas is like, okay, guys, I was thinking that maybe, dad, you and I should definitely be in the band.

And I was thinking we could get Ellaria on lead vocals, and then we could get Johnny Noe on bass because he could feel it in his chest. Here's the thing. Because we stole the Battle Axe of Hatred and caused this whole fracas? Fracas? Fracas? Fracas. Do you have any SAT quips there, Henry? I would have gone with maybe boondoggle. But...

I wish you could be here live because Will's eyes got very big when he said boondoggle. Because of the whole, like, all the fucking fight that's about to happen. Hey, come on, Nick. There's, like, adults here. You know, just keep the F-bombs, you know. Really? Just for one more of ourselves. Okay, fine. It's just for their sake. There we go. There's some parenting. About time. Yeah, Jesus. It took long enough. All the freaking fights that are going to happen. Is that okay? That's still an F-word, young man. A lot of words start with F. I give a little thumbs up under the hood. Like, it's okay.

I don't think he's going to let me go like properly, but I know where he is. He's going to think we're all here. So my thought is if we split into two teams, one group of us can go take care of him and like, like you could like beat him up or you could like bargain for my freedom. And the other group of us could play in the battle of the bands to protect the gang. Nicholas, how old are you, son? I'm 13. Okay. I'm a man.

Okay, can we do a dad huddle really quick? Yeah, okay. Let's do a dad huddle. It's dads 13 and up. 14 and up. I'm also not a dad. That's good to know. That's good. I wouldn't have been surprised either way. I'm very charismatic. Glenn, did your son just say that he doesn't think...

The guy's going to release him for getting the axe? Wasn't that kind of the whole reason we just went on this whole... And now he's suggesting we should go and fight him. Which is the F word that you were yelling about? Fracas. Fracas. Okay. Yeah. I'm not going to say it. Okay. I have a couple questions. I'm a little confused. So the guy from this Red Wave band... Red Wave.

Red Wave. Lizard Boy Scales Week stuff and says, I think they're called the Red Brands. The Red Brands. The Red Band Trailers. Sure, yeah. The Red Band Trailers. That's really good. If you don't like the language that Nicholas uses, just wait until you hear what they say.

So they've challenged us to a battle of the bands for the guitar or just to not kill us. What is the con? What is the stakes of this battle? Well, okay, look, fellas, I know that we were really judgmental of these brigands, as you called them, Henry. I do say that the blood is quite literally and figuratively on our hands in this case, as we did sneak into their camp. And rather than quietly and surreptitiously take that guitar, like,

I saw you cleave a dude in half, man. But they struck the first blow. I can't be held responsible for something that happens after an enemy castle doctrine. Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins raises his finger and goes, wasn't it their house? We went to their warehouse. Young man, this is a dad huddle. I'm a dad. I'm Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. Oh, sorry. Oh, you're sorry. I just sound a lot like Nick. Ha ha ha.

I'm sorry, sir. And you just sound a lot like Nick. Yeah. No offense. I think I know what's going on here. Nicholas. Yeah. Look, man, if you don't want the three of us to be in your band, you can just tell me like a man. You said you're a man. You're 13. Yeah. Look at me. Do you not want us to be in the band? You don't have to send us on a. Absolutely. I would love it if you weren't in the band.

All right. But that said, that does hurt. All the other stuff I said is still true. So rather than us being in a band, you're giving us the opportunity to go fight a battle for you. Okay, maybe not fight, but fellas...

I think that this is going to be the time where you guys can suss out what's going on because all attention is going to be on me and Nick's sick licks up on stage here. I see. There we go. You can finally get an opportunity here to move about, perhaps unseen. Ron, I saw you and your moves with your pants. It was quite inspiring in that regard. It feels like here's a chance for us to kind of really suss out what the hell's going on here and how, you know,

We can get out of this. Maybe it would be best if we got like the first song we all do together like an opener and then that makes them think we're part of it. And then I use interpretive dance to dance away sneakily. We'll do the thing where we leave the stage and they expect an encore. And then when we come back, it's

It's just us. And they're like, ooh, a powerful duet, father and son. And nobody's even wondering where the other people went. Yeah. They're like, they must be waiting for the second encore. Yes. Rather than just us mysteriously disappearing. And that way we can play some bells and recorder. And I forgot, Henry, what were you going to play? Acoustic guitar, I believe. Oh, there we go. Nicholas is like massaging his temples. How old do you have to be to start getting chronic headaches? Because I can feel it. I feel it starting. Don't worry, Nicholas. This is going to be pretty punked rock.

All right, if you say so. Have you guys ever heard of a little band called Mannheim Steamroller? What the fuck? That is Daryl's all-time favorite band. Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas album. I know, right? This could just be like Mannheim Steamroller's... Look, all I'm saying is if you guys really want to win this battle of the bands, Mannheim Steamroller is the way to go. Yes. Am I right, Nick? Steamroll them. You gotta steamroll them. Do you guys know any of the Christmas songs from Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas album? Uh, but...

but Nicholas Ellery and Anthony have no idea what the fuck you just said. I have outdadied the daddy. Um,

Mannheim Steamroller was... I am flying right at the event horizon of my knowledge, by the way. That's true. I still listen to this every year. My mom was obsessed with Mannheim Steamrollers. This is Matt talking? Yeah, this is Matt talking. But it's like kind of synthy, big orchestrated arrangements of Christmas music. Oh. So this is Beth talking. Definitely sounds like a sex move, right? That's the most... Yeah. I mean, like...

Mannheim steamroller. Oh my God, you're right. Oh boy, oh boy. What a fracas. Sorry to cuss. It's neoclassical new age music that is known for its new age rock plus. This would be Daryl's favorite song. For people who think that Enya's a little bit too hardcore. Yes. It's the kind of band that if you have like scented candles that you light often, the candles actually accompany this music pretty well. Why don't I know them?

I love candles. Looks like you got a new Spotify ad. That's going to be your Christmas gift. So Nicholas says, based on everything you just told me, if we lose the Battle of the Bands, the red brands will take us over and they'll probably kill like half of us. And I would rather that fate than do anything like...

what you just described. Kids just don't appreciate the classics these days. Is there a way that one could perform both in the band and as a stealth ops operative? What if you guys could also maybe sabotage

The other band, because I'm getting like really excited here. The idea of like once again, picking up the axe and rocking a crowd. Guys, look, here's the deal. Okay, Nick, we got to win this thing. Of course. I'm always, always. This is my chance because I mean, let's just say me and the band parted ways, not on great terms. Wait, you're not in your band anymore? Well, you know, I'll tell you, the other guys decide to go...

Yeah, you left the Glenn Close trio, right? That's what you told me, Dad. Technically, that's true. But I guess you could say they asked me to leave. Whoa. That's some heavy stuff. What do you mean? What happened? You can't ask Glenn Close to leave. Where are they going now? I think they're asking the other Glenn Close if maybe she wants to join. Something. I don't know. They're figuring it out. They're figuring out the situation. But no, wait. Why did they kick you out of the band? Ah.

You know, some of my tour antics went a little far. You know that trick we just pulled, right? Where we sort of smoked out that warehouse? Well, if you do that and you're in a garage...

If you pass out, that can be really bad because I guess the car exhaust adds a little bit to the to the equation. You know, I was wondering about the carbon monoxide element of flooding a closed environment with car fumes. That's why I knew it would work. Yeah. When you started the plan, I was like, oh, he's planning on murdering everybody on the inside with carbon monoxide. Interesting. As soon as we got the the bat and two rats, I thought Glenn Close is a man who's done this before.

Well, Glenn, you know, I'm really busted up to hear that, that you're not in your band anymore, but you're in a new band of dads and this band rides or dies together. So you're the Mannheim of this steamroller. So we're going to take your lead on this. You're quarterback, as my friend Henry would say. I think you guys got to get backstage.

And fuck up the other band so they sound like dog shit. Hell yeah, dad. Hell yeah. Nicholas, I guess you're the running back in this situation. Sure. Or the assistant coach. Daryl, soccer terms. Oh, yeah, that's right. Okay, remember a soccer term. You're the center midfield. Great, yeah. And you're the striker, Glenn. Yes. Like on Chelsea. You guys tell us...

Who's Chelsea? It's a great team in England. Maybe my favorite. Oh. Yes. So you tell us what to do, and we'll ruin the other band. What if... Okay, I have an idea for our side caper. Okay. Ron, Dan, Daryl. Yeah. Ron, Daryl. That was definitely Henry almost calling Daryl Dad. Dan's my middle name, which is why you brought me here. Henry almost called Daryl Dad and then managed to make it turn into Dan as well.

at the last possible second. What if we managed to sneak into that other band and ruin their band from the inside? Daryl's eyes go super wide and he holds up the perfume of charm.

Oh, the perfume! Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is enough perfume to spread across the three of us. We could probably charm our way into this band. We'll have to be careful we don't charm each other by accident. We'll have to be careful that we don't actually beat you guys with our recorder bell and acoustic guitar skills. Yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely, definitely. Yes, I'm extremely worried we would lose. I think you guys are going to... Because they got this whole cloak thing, right? The guy rode up on a cool cloak. Yeah. Everyone's got cloaks. They all got red cloaks. That's the risk of running a cloak-heavy operation. Ha ha ha ha!

So I think you guys got to procure some cloaks for yourselves. Okay. Sneak your way onto that band. We'll be like what? Like they're backup singers or something? I think I'll be the lead singer. Lead singer. Perfect. I can actually...

Do a pretty funny thing when I sing. Really? Really. Just wait. I like that because definitely doing something funny on stage in a band is probably a surefire way to lose in a battle of a band. This isn't going to be funny, but it will be. It will be. It will be fun. All right. Okay. So we get up there. We do it. We're backup singers or lead singer. And then I thought you were playing D&D by saying we get up there. We do it. Are you fucking kidding me, Matt?

And then we do it, guys. And we're done. And then we do it. And we win. Do we stab them? We just need to ruin that. Nick says you could just, they just have to not win. Like, Dad, do you want to explain the way a battle of the bands works? Okay, so the way a battle of the bands works is sort of a group decision based on the crowd. It's based on how well the crowd receives you. That seems like a pretty subjective metric to me. Who's the judge in this case? Well, it's kind of everyone. And in our hearts, we'll win either way. Yeah. Yeah.

Definitely not what he just said. But the thing is that all of us like dig fucking rocking, sorry, freaking rocking tunes, right? Yeah.

So everybody in all the different members of the gangs are going to sort of like line up together. Like for the first time, all the gangs are to come together. Like the Warriors, that movie you showed me, Dad. Yes. And we're all going to cheer together based on, you know, how much we like any individual band. It's not going to be about what color you're wearing. It's going to be about the fire of the music and what it inspires within you. There are going to be two stages, stage versus stage.

I love that you picked the Warriors and not like the movie Scott Pilgrim, which literally depicts this. Like, exactly. Glenn Close would not show his son Scott Pilgrim. He would only show him movies he liked when he was younger. That's true. That's true. So, yeah, we'll do band versus band, and then everybody will cheer, and it'll be based on how loud it is. And mechanically, it'll be you guys will roll some stuff, and we'll see how you can persuade the band to you versus the other side. All right. So we're going to try to sneak into the other band. Perfect.

And then that way, if you guys win, then, you know, everything's great. They should win. If we win, we can just be like, well, you know, we vote that, you know, we're going to go away. Wait, who's we? Just the three of us, you know, because like I'm like, look, you guys are probably going to win, but there's a chance. So we're going to win. We're I'm just saying there might happen.

I think it might. I think it might, too. You haven't heard these these Stampler pipes. The Dadheim steamrollers. Oh, my God. You know, maybe worse comes to worse. I can bust out some of my hip hop rocks jams. And that is going to get the crowd. Maybe just start with that. That sounds really good. We're supposed to lose.

Do not do that. No, do that. No, Nicholas, you haven't heard. If we get through this, you're going to have to hear this gentleman's hip-hop rap. I'm pretty good at raps. Yes.

I'm known in the geology department as a man who knows how to do really good raps. Yeah. You were telling us you're the best rapper in the geology department, right? Yeah, exactly. That's incredible. And he's back from the Stone Age because he discovered fire, and that fire is him rapping. Hell yeah. God in heaven. All right. All right, well...

You should go now then and do that because that's insane. Should we put our hands in the middle, dads? Oh, absolutely. Nicholas, this is a little, we're going to invite you to, this is, there's this book called Iron John by Robert Bly. He's sort of like a men's movement poet from the 80s. You know, he was all about self-development and, you know, like ritual. One, two, three, doodlers. Doodlers. Doodlers, yeah. Uh-huh.

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$45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. Seamit mobile for details. Okay. So basically you see that both bands are getting set up like Ellery and some of the other water mice are sort of setting up some amplifiers by which I mean like just megaphone large cones, large cones made out of wood and shells and stuff like that. And the other stage they're doing the same. The red brands in their blonde leader. So in the

middle. So they're like bringing lights and stuff and everything tortures. But yeah, is there a dude like in the back to the torch tech? It's like a torch tech. He's got like long hair and he's like squinting up at it and being like, Hey, Hey, Hey, the union's got to move this. Exactly. I imagine like a illusion wizard with like a bunch of books out like as his mixing board. Oh,

Oh, my God. That's awesome. Yeah, and he's just doing different thaumaturgy flames everywhere. That's cool. That's cool. That's very good. So, yeah, that's just happening. And in the middle, all the different gang members are sort of just milling around. And they'll be like, eight bucks for beer. Yeah. They're complaining about stuff. They're peeing on stuff. They're picking...

flowers off the ground and eating them. Fucking outdoor festivals, man. I tell you, sometimes it's just better to stay home. I tell you, you hit a certain age and it's just better to watch it on, yeah. All right. So, okay, dads, let's focus up. What's the play? Can we roll like a perception to see what, because, you know, this is Dungeons and Dragons, so we should roll some dice. To see like, we're going to replace some band members or slip our way in. Can we, I want to learn more about this band that we're approaching. In my head, this is just a video game hit, man.

The three of us are definitely kind of like awkwardly kind of like, you know, I like a school dance. We're kind of like a sitting around the edge, like trying to find the band, like looking at them. Well, so there's other members of the red brands in the crowd, right? Yes. Complaining about the prices of beer, et cetera. Maybe we could, maybe we could do some small talk to get more info on the members of this band. I've also heard that if you pretend to have bags of

ice. You can get behind into the back door backstage area at a concert and you just say I've got I'm the guy with the ice. Let's roll. Let's roll to see where the yeah, where's the band? Do we need a role for that? No, you can just see it. They're on stage sort of tuning their instruments. How many members are in this band? There are four members of this band and they're in their cloaks. They are in their cloaks. All right, so we got to get some cloaks. It seems like I would like to can I roll initiative? Can I? Sorry.

Start some shit. Yeah. Basically, yeah. Just start killing people. I want to roll to see what the crowd is vibing with musically. You know, if they have any requests that I could fulfill for them in a singing matter. Are you attempting to learn this by talking to them? Are you trying to like reach out with your feelings? I'm trying to listen to anything spewed out of the mouths of audience members.

Okay, let's do perception then. Okay. That's a five. One guy's like, eight bucks for beer? I can't believe it. It's so expensive here. Weird bucks, but okay. Like, you just hear a bunch of kind of catchphrases out of context. Excuse me, I don't know that song. Ha ha ha.

Ron, Henry, it feels like we got to get some cloaks and then find a way to switch out with these gentlemen up on top of the stage. What if, let me throw this out there, a little proposal from Henry. What if we, one of us pretends to be like the stage manager? Mm-hmm.

And then we say we need to see three of the members of the band out like around the corner. And then when they're around the corner, we'll put our charm juice on and we'll be like groupies and get them to take their robes off. Yeah, we'll seduce them out of their robes. And then we'll put their robes on and maybe we'll tie them up or something. We'll get there. Is that a I like what you're thinking, Henry. Let me take a Daryl looks up there and they're all they're all men, right? Yep.

Okay. Yeah. All right. We're saving our sons here. No, no. What? Did I look like I was acting weird? No, that sounds like a great plan. We're going to tie them up in this non-BDSM podcast. Yeah. Lizard Boy scales McStuffins and just holds up a bunch of robes. He's like, I have it ready. I assumed this was just going to happen, that you were going to need some tie-in and some stuff. Sir, you got us Lizzy Boy. You got us robes? Robes. Robes.

That's less helpful, but thank you. I'm sorry. I thought you already got us. I felt like I went out of my way to help, and then immediately it's on their side. Lizzie boy, it's my fault. I'm still getting used to your lizard mouth. It's a little hard to hear sometimes. No, it's fine. I appreciate the ropes. That's super helpful. I exist just to make you happy. Hey, Cern, you make me happy. Don't listen to whatever Ron's about to say to you. I know it's going to change the vibe in just a second, but between you and me right now,

You're doing a wonderful job, and I love these ropes. Ron, I'm sorry to interrupt. Hey, Cern? Yeah? Do you play any instruments? No, I don't. Okay, Cern, you make me really unhappy. I mean, yeah, I know, but it's fine. Daryl prepared me for that. What if... I draw my strength from him. What if Cern...

Starts a mosh pit. CERN. That sounds like a good job for you, Lizzie boy. Okay. You want me to go start a mosh pit? Do you guys have mosh pits in the Forgotten Realms? No, you're going to have to explain what that is. Oh. Well, okay. So here's the thought, CERN. When we go on stage...

to get the crowd really going. Sometimes the rock and roll gets so strong that the spirit of rock and rolls, which is a powerful thing, takes over and a sort of group hysteria takes place. And people kind of form a big circle in the middle of the crowd and everyone's kind of like

beating the shit out of each other and like tossing each other around and like just kicking the ever-loving fucking shit out of each other. It's kind of like if you treat the people around you like skin that is molting off of you like a reptile, which you are, Cern, so I think this should be very easy for you. But see, this will get people really hyped up because that means...

Right, like if a mosh pit's going on, you know that they're really just... I do like the idea we have a man inside on the crowd who's... An ancient provocateur. When we play, this is going to be hard to say because, you know, we're such good friends, but when we're playing, say things out loud like, oh, those gentlemen up there, their music doesn't sound... It's not the quality I like. Oh, no. And things like that. You want me to say that you're bad? Yes.

I know. That's going to be almost as difficult as starting a fight with the entire crowd. Well, don't worry, CERN. You'll have the power of my sick licks to help you out. Okay. I was less worried about making sure they could fight and more about my own safety, but that's fine. Well, here's the thing. It's just like starting a fire in an abandoned warehouse on the edge of Cincinnati. You just get the spark going, and then the whole thing goes up way faster than you think, and then you got to get out of town. What a weirdly specific metaphor.

All right, guys, I'll do it. I'll see you on the other side. Into the mosh pit I go. And he disappears into the crowd. All right, dads. Well, I guess so we got the ropes. Everybody take a rope. I guess we'll each tie one of the gentlemen separately. I guess we don't need to seduce them. It's like, but I think we got to talk them out of their clothes. Maybe it's some sort of strip poker game. Henry, let's just seduce them. Yeah.

All right, dads, are we ready? Everybody, I think I see Carol do this. Go ahead and put your hands out, like your wrists, right? Oh, yes. No, it's, if I remember correctly, Mercedes Oak Garcia had an episode of this show called Queer Eye On, and on that show, they spray it in the air twice, and then they walk through it in turn. Daryl looks at the, I don't think this is, I don't think this is a spray one, though.

It looks like it's a dabby-do. Ron takes it and sprays it into his face. Oh, all right. Like splash it into your face? There's not that much left. Yeah, roll G20. 11. You splash like most of it onto your face. There's only enough for one person now. All right, Ron. Okay, well, it looks like there's only enough for either me or Daryl. So I guess it's who wants to be... You know what? I feel like we all have to do this anyways, right? Yeah.

I think my charm... You know, I don't need it. Henry, you go ahead and take it. Okay. I'm not saying you need it. I'm just saying if you want the extra help. I mean, I think I'm pretty charming, but... Yeah, you sure are. Meta note, who has more charisma? How many charisma points do you have? I have minus one. Okay, I have plus one. So, okay, here we go. Here's what we're going to do. You're going to charm me to do it. Daryl, no offense, but...

I don't know how to put this, but... Carol's already putting it on. Okay. Yeah, okay. I hear you, Henry. All right, guys. I'm rubbing it. Wait, I'm doing it like Carol taught me. Matt is actually miming it. Putting it on my wrist, putting it on my neck. He's literally miming it. How's it smell, Henry? You both smell fantastic. That's so charming of you to say. Thank you. Well, thank you. That's so charming of you to be complimentary of my charming. We are so charming. Ron, you're...

You got a nice voice, Ron. Oh, you haven't even, I, the Stampler hasn't even begun to sing. Maybe, should we just, do we do this now or do you want to just like go get some beer? Hey, fellas, hey, fellas, focus up, focus up. All right. Okay. Me and Nick are going to get the band ready for our stuff because we got to get ready here. Best of luck to you. Get back there. Get in that band. Hey, uh, hey, uh, Glenn. Oh God. Daryl kind of looks over. It's like kick ass out there, man. Gives you a wink.

Nick looks at you and he's like, you could have just said, just say rock and roll. Hey, Nicholas. We fucking say rock and roll. What? Fucking rock and roll, man. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I think this is, I think this perfume is going to some people's heads. Henry wishes he had gotten the perfume. It's going to be a reveal where it's like, wait, that was just a jug of water. Michael's secret stuff from

space jam. Don't you see? It was you all along. You had your mojo all along, Austin. Goofy, baby. Oh my God, that movie did it that way. Oh.

Let's go seduce some rock stars. Let's walk up to the stage. You approach the stage. There's people running around putting out torches and stuff, but it's so busy. There's nobody to stop you from just sort of walking onto the stage. So when you do, the band kind of just turns and glances at you and then goes back to tuning their instruments. Okay. Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay, how do we do this? I hand my rope to Henry. Say, you two just wait right here. From the distance, I see this. I see them dad huddle on stage in full view of everyone. I go, oh, for Christ's sake. Yeah, Nick is like, you guys always do this? It's just kind of a way for us to communicate, I guess, to each other. It's strange, but something that we kind of abide by the constraints of. It's just the timing. You could just do it before you get into the... Okay, that's fine. Daryl walks across the stage to the three non... Walks or struts? Struts.

struts across the stage and very confidently. Hey, gentlemen. Hey, what's up? Hey. That's the bassist. Yeah? You can tell because he has a low voice. Because he has a low voice and because he's the only one who would deign to talk to you. Yeah. The other ones think they're too important. I like the cover jib, man. I got two bros back there that just want to

See how you play. Play bass. I mean, you're about to hear me play bass. Yeah, but these guys... Hit on a man. Do it, Matt. Hit on me.

No, I know you play bass. We heard you. It sounds really good. I got two guys there that they're, you know, we're starting our own band and they're trying out. I think you could, I think you could give them a few points. If you don't mind, if you could give them just a few pointers before you start playing. We're really excited to hear you play. Yeah, sure. So he looks over at the other two and he goes, you just got to play from the heart. Like play. Like play like you mean it. It's about the music in your soul. Dude, that's great. It's a little loud though. I raised my hand.

Yeah, you with the hand raised. Hi, Henry O, Henry Oak here. We can't hear you give your good base advice over the noise of this crowd. Perhaps we could take this conversation someplace more intimate. Okay, so Henry, the only person who didn't put on the perfume can roll persuasion. Whew.

Oh, fuck yeah. Henry's got an 18 plus one 19. All right. Looks like yours type. So the basis is like for you. Yeah. I think I have some stuff I could teach you. All right. I wink at Henry. Hell yeah. Okay. Let's, let's, let's, uh, let's go to that dark corner over there. Hey, you got, you know, two other friends. I want to maybe come and party for a little bit before you guys play. What?

We need three cloaks. I mean, we need... Wait, what? We need three blokes. What did you just say? Three blokes. Roll persuasion with advantage with the three blokes thing. Very good. On your feet. God. That's a two. Roll better than that.

Uh, 16? Actually, yeah, 16. I'll cut it. The bassist, he has three blokes. Yeah. All right. All right. Usually you got to do this kind of stuff after the concert, but apparently I'm on my game today. We like it deep, like bass. God. You just hit me so hard you broke me out of character. Holy shit. Holy smokes.

All right. We're earning the explicit tag this week, boyos. Dungeons and Daddies, sarcasm quotes, not a BDSM podcast. Dungeons and Daddies and the edge of the comfort zone. As Daryl walks across the stage with everybody, he catches the eye of Nicholas and Freddie and holds up like a fucking rock and roll sign like,

We got it, man. Glenn throws the horns back and looks behind and was like, is there someone else behind me? I don't know. Freddie, who's that? Yeah. So do we pass the other members of this band? Yeah. So the bassist like turns back to the other two members of the band that are not the guy with the blonde hair. He was like, and puts his fingers together. And then they all kind of. What was that gesture you just did? I was saying we're going to go touch dicks. That's our thing. What's your thing?

Is it also that? We all come together. No, that's all. Yeah. Nice. We'll all come together. Nice, he says. We'll talk about what we like to do. He heard the first part of that sentence and said, nice. All right, let's go around to that dark corner and let's talk. We know. We come together. Daryl like awkwardly holds up one of his ropes like, huh? Oh, yeah. All right, boys, let's go do it. So he grabs the other two by the shoulders and all of them smiling as anything come with you around the back of the stage where it's relatively quiet.

We'll be right with you, John. Ron, I'm not judging you. I just feel like I'm very uncomfortable right now. I hand my rope to you also. Daryl has no more ropes anymore. He goes, I feel like I did my part. Yep. He just walks away. He just walks away? Daryl, get back here. What are you doing? I form the rope into a lasso and bring him back into the hut. Roll dexterity. What?

Four. Four. All right, it just misses. It just flops down right in front of you. So immediately the bassist is like, what's going on? Where's he going? Where are you going, man? He's playing hard to get. That's part of his thing. That's not my kink at all. I take a breath and go, just getting myself composed to rock your fucking world. All right, roll persuasion with advantage. With advantage.

Let me try to do that in character based off of my role of a three. I'm just getting composed so I can do things you like. So with my three persuasion, the basis looks at you and then just kind of like,

and then turns to Henry and Ron and is like, can we just, just us? Just can we just make a five sum instead of a six sum? Oh, that's great. Super not into that guy. That's to me, you blokes. I put my hand out. Very nice. I hope you five have a great time. Even the idea of having physical contact with you right now is kind of just nasty. I appreciate it. Ron uses the lasso to try to capture the basis. Okay. Roll a, roll dexterity. How did we get here? Oh no. That's a, that's a one. That's a one? What?

It's a one, yeah. So you try to lasso him, but you inadvertently just kind of lasso yourself up, but you don't realize it and you pull it super tight and like begin to accidentally start choking yourself around the neck. Not in like a sexy way, but in a way that feels like aggressive. Okay. And immediately he's set on edge and he goes, wait a second. This feels like it might not be a fun consensual sexual thing between consulting adults. What's going on here? What's going on here? Trust me.

It's fun! It's fun! Beth, take a d4 of damage for the Autorotic Association.

Four damage. You know, we're just nervous. Henry here is really... He's the one who most participates. Gentlemen, if you will all just calm down for one moment. I, the leader of this trio, will explain the very specific kink we have that makes all of this make sense. Desperate to hear it. Absolutely desperate to hear it. So, where we're from...

We, the, where are we from again? We're from the far off land of West Rock. We take part in an elaborate courtship ritual. All right. The first step of which is to invite your prospective mate to a dark-sleeted corner. As you can see plainly, as we have done. You nailed that. The second step of which is one of the three...

Leafs. Oh, because he feels shame. No, no. Sure. Because I have to commit to the thing you said because we're all part of the same thing. It makes the prospect of the hunt all the more alluring. And shameful? Yeah. And then...

There is the third part of the ritual known as the bonding of the self in which now you come to the aid of Ron by rescuing him. Help me. See, it's like a... And then once you've saved him, we all trade clothes so that we may walk a mile in each other's shoes and then we get down to business. So...

So we have sex with each other's clothes on? Well, we trade clothes and then we assume each other's identities, essentially by trading clothes. And then we take each other's clothes back off. And it's like we are stripping bare not only our lover, but ourselves. We want to be you and then we want to be in you. Roll persuasion harder than you've ever rolled persuasion in your entire life.

Wait, I have to add inspiration. That's where I should use burn that joke energy, baby. Hot dice, hot dice. That's a six. Beth, go ahead and roll. I got a 19. Okay, so the bassist puts his hands on one hand on Henry's shoulder and one hand on Ron's shoulder. And he says, what you just described is the weirdest, maybe most horrible kink I've ever heard in my entire life.

And I'm so very interested to see where it goes. And then he and his two friends disrobe and then hold their clothes out to you.

Okay. So am I still like tied up though? I untie Ron. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, sorry. I was supposed to do that. It's fine. It's your first time. I messed up. I'm sorry. It's okay. It's okay. We'll make it work. I guess the next step would be for us to take off our clothes. So why don't we're, I forgot to explain this part of it. You guys turn around while we take our clothes off. Oh, that's a little prudish.

It feels like you didn't turn around when we did it. Well, then it's, oh, you know what? I'm sorry. I kind of, you kind of threw me off because you didn't untie him. I wasn't expecting you to go straight to taking your clothes off. You're right. You're right. I'll turn around. We'll turn around. All right. So they've turned around. So I change into the robe. Okay. Me too.

Okay. I take off one pair of pants and put the robe on. Okay, sweet. Okay. All right. You can turn around. They do. Okay. Cool. Okay, cool. So here's what happens now is that... We undress each other. As I said, we walk a mile in each other's shoes first. Oh, like literally? It's part of the extended foreplay is that now...

We go on stage and you guys go in the audience. So you're going to play instead of us? Yeah, isn't that crazy? So all the applause is going to go to you and not us. But you get to watch. And isn't that hot? All right, roll persuasion with advantage. Nine and...

The bassist looks at you for a second and sort of scratches his cheek and bites his lip. And he says, what you've just described is extremely humiliating. And because I am a bassist, you've discovered my kink. So yes, we will. We will. We consent to remain tied up while you perform for us.

Oh, they're not tied up. They're not tied up. But that's great. If that'll help you out, we can do that for sure. Do you want to be tied up? I mean, yeah. Yeah, and how about Daryl Wilson here? Half the reason we came back here is because we saw the ropes. Do you want a bow tie or a double knot? Oh, that's very cute. I'll do it. He takes the rope from you and he ties his friends up and then...

basically instructs one of you to... What knot is that? It's a good looking knot. It's like a normal... I've never seen that knot before. That knot, you can't easily make it come loose for any safe word. I have scissors here for safety scissors. I got to cut something. I have to hold on to them so I can cut them loose. Give them right back. Okay, sure. Well, give them back. Okay, sorry man. Here you go. I'll give them right back.

Daryl, oh, jeez. I just don't want these guys to come, you know. Yeah, I know, but now literally and officially a BDSM podcast. Sorry for taking those scissors. Yeah. I'm a little nervous. Yeah, no, I got to keep them. I got to keep them on stage. Yeah, yeah, that's so he feels safe while he's doing the, you know, our elaborate ritual here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay. We can trust him. Our song of courtship. Daryl's saying, guys, I just want to know that this is definitely outside of my comfort zone, and all five of you have been pretty great so far. This is, I appreciate it.

Okay. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah. I feel like we've been pretty good. Yeah. Okay, cool. So we'll see you guys in a little bit, and we're going to go be bad musicians now. If you're going to humiliate us, you're going to have to do a lot better job than that. Okay. Oh, we'll try. And then he tries to wink. No, it's not how you humiliate. Wow. Wow. You have to be. It's fine. You'll figure it out. All right, guys. Let's get the hell out of here. All right. So you come up to the stage, and the blonde man turns around and sees you through, and he goes...

What's all this about? What's going on? Where's my band? We're the band. We're the band now, man. Party on. Did they get drunk again? Did they hook up with some random groupies again? Technically, yes. Yes. Daryl Wilson here, and we're those random groupies, and they said, we're going to play for you. He goes, ah. And he goes out back, and then you hear bass guy being like, it's my kink. This is what we're doing. Ha.

And the blonde guy walks back in. He's like, okay, that's fine. Yeah, I mean, all right. It's the third time this has happened this year. That's fine. Okay.

All right, so what do you all play? We're just going to start playing? We forgot to learn any songs. Yeah, because usually what we do is we play The Tavern Keeper's Lament. Oh, yeah. Do you all know that one? That's a favorite. All right. I play the bells in that. Just remind me of the tune real quick. I don't play an instrument. I sing my beautiful, sad tune. Well, I play guitar and I sing. If you don't play an instrument, then we should switch songs to something else. What songs do you know? I can play guitar. I know. I know.

Wonderwall? The entire M&M. Silent Night? I know Silent Night. It's becoming very clear that I just don't know the same songs you know. I know Silent Night. Do all three of you know the same songs? Silent Night, yeah. We're called the Dadheim Steamrollers back where we come from and Silent Night's our specialty. It rocks the crowd. Yeah, it's real hardcore punk. Silent Night.

Okay, sounds great. So I'll just play. I'll catch up to whatever you're doing musically. You guys just sort of go with it and I'll handle it, my end. But you just get to play together, okay? Are we ready? Okay, that sounds great. All right.

Daryl sits down with the drums ready to go. He looks at them. He's like, yeah, that's pretty close. There's two drums. I'll just treat these like the bells. And then Henry tunes up this lute or whatever he's playing. I'm assuming it's not a six-string guitar. Daryl's so fucking pumped. He's like smiling at you. Like he's feeling like he's in a rock band. I look out into the crowd and wipe my sweaty palms against my multiple pairs of pants and

Pull one pair up near my belly button. Put my hands on my hips. Lick my lips. Wet the old whistle. Open my mouth and get ready to pipe. To pipe? To pipe. Get ready to release these pipes.

The blonde guy heads up to the front of the stage. He's sort of looking at his new bandmates. He's like, he's, he's reasonably impressed with what he sees. Uh, he's a little bit like weary of the fact that like, once again, his bandmates have decided to do this weird thing and skip out on an actual gig life in the road.

But yeah, he steps up to the mic. Mike is that Mike is Mike is a guy who's standing there who just like cups his hands around the guy's phone. Yeah. There's a gnome who's like just standing there, a goblin that's standing there with his hands overstretched above his head. It like cupped together. And the blonde guy walks up and puts his mouth up to the cupped hands. It goes like, all right, everybody, we are the Red Branch Trailers. My name is MPAA, which stands for murder, punishment, assault, assassination, assassinations.

Tonight we're gonna hit you with something a little bit different. What a pro. What an absolute pro MPAA is. Yeah, why don't you all just take it away. And a one, and a two, and a one, two. First we'll start with the beat. So Daryl, why don't you go ahead and roll performance. Those hand bells coming in. That's a 14. 14? Okay. A pretty decent beat to Silent Night. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

It's just two drums. It's like Zoot Suit Riot, basically. Like the toms. Okay. From the crowd, you quietly hear Lizard Boy Scales mix up and goes like, that's not good drums. That's not enough drums. Only two? That's amateur hour. Henry, you roll performance. Okay. I roll my bones.

I got a seven. Okay. So a very bad, a loot cover of silent night starts playing fully tuned. Tuning as I'm playing. Yeah. It's very out of tune. Very bad from the crowd. Henry. Here's Elizabeth. See, I told you this is, this is not good. That guitar is all bad. It's not tuned up properly. That loot is just, it's below that subpar. Now, uh, Ron role of performance. As you begin to sing, I,

I lick my lips and get ready to wet my whistle and I roll. I can't see. I roll a natural 20. Fuck yeah! Oh my god. Fuck.

We're supposed to lose. You can't help it, man. That energy just takes over you in the crowd. Okay, so you open your mouth, and to the surprise of everyone in attendance, every single person, maybe including Ron, the most beautiful and impossible harmony comes out of your throat. Oh, God. Oh.

It's two voices in one somehow. It is Silent Night in a way that has never been performed by a human being in any realm, much less the Forgotten Realms. You turn and you see MPAA is beginning to cry as he starts playing guitar.

and the audience is like slowly like swaying with you and like lighters come out yeah little very small torches like even though they've never heard this song before like by the second verse they're just sort of singing along with like it just has this hypnotic quality over them that has blown their mind and as the singing hits Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins ears he starts bawling like openly bawling and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a picture laughing

And even from the stage, you can see it's a painting that someone made of him and his two children. At the amusement park? Yeah, at the Neverwinter Amusement Park. He just starts crying. He holds it so close to his chest. And he looks at you, Ron, and mouths the words. And somehow you understand perfectly what he's saying, even though there's nothing mouthing it. He's like, it's like I'm with them again. Oh, my God!

How does Ron feel about that? With who? Who? Okay, so when the song finally comes to a close, the crowd just explodes with applause. Just loses their fucking minds. Ron takes off one pair of pants and throws them out into the crowd.

Daryl runs over to Ron and just slaps him on the back and hugs him. Rock and roll, man! And they said that Punk was dad.

Across the sea of celebration, Nicholas and Glenn Close are like, what? Nicholas is like, what the fuck are they doing? What the fuck were they doing? They were supposed to fuck it up. Nick, we were clear, right? I feel like we said explicitly do a bad job. What the fuck was that? That was like a 10 out of 10 performance. Nick's like, we're going to die. They're going to kill us. Oh, no. Dad, I think maybe we should just go. We should just run. Yeah. Yeah.

We can't find this. Yeah, let's book it. We're getting the fuck out of here, dude. All right. So Nick runs to the Honda Odyssey and he says, get in, dad, get in. I'm sprinting after him, guitar in tow. Okay, so he slams the door shut. Okay, so the rest of you

As you're celebrating and basking in the glory of this amazing performance. I'm crowd surfing. You turn and you see the lights of the Honda Odyssey turn on and you hear the engine rumble to life. Nick rolls down the window and peeks his head out of the driver's side. He goes, I hotwired it and I got a natural 20. Later!

And he hits the gas and the Honda Odyssey just speeds into the fucking distance. And Henry, your phone rings. I looked out on my phone. It's from Scam Likely. Excuse me, Jets. I got to take this and I go over to the corner and I answer the phone. Scam, what's up? Don't trust whatever you hear or see. You've received a call from Scam Likely. Please hold for Scam Likely. Okay. The music plays.

Guys, I'm on hold with Scam Likely. I'm waiting for him to answer the phone. How much longer is it going to be? I don't know. Nicholas just ran away with my van. I'm on hold. There's nothing I can do. Scam, are you there? And then you hear a click. It says, please continue to hold. Please.

Henry, we got to do something. I'm panicking. I press off. Okay, okay. All right, all right, all right. As your finger goes toward the outfit, you weren't on hold. I was just playing with you. Oh, a scam I should have done. You got your game. Inside the phone. It was just me, scam-likely, live on the line.

Ah, scam, why did you jerk me around like that? Give me a break, buddy. It was my final scam. What does that mean? It means that now Nicholas and Glenn have time enough to drive far, far away where you can't catch up with them on foot. That's what I was saying. Now they got the minivan. They're well on their way to Waterdeep. Ooh, maybe I've said too much, but I have to say it's likely that you've been scammed by Nicholas and Glenn both. Oh, damn.

Fuck!

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as RDM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song by Maxton Waller. Additional voices this week by Jimmy Wong. This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon dad army. Find folks like Lindsay Kay, Gatlin Hooten, Sarah Kratky, Hillary Gay, and Selah.

Thank you, of course, to all of our Patreon supporters. And if you're listening out there and you suddenly find yourself with, I don't know, like an HBO Go subscription you just canceled, why not consider supporting our fantasy IP full of adult situations? You'll gain access to bonus content like an additional podcast called Talking Dad where we talk about the campaign. So if you dig what we do, head on over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads.

You can find us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads, Facebook at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads, and the subreddit over at Dungeons and Daddies. Thank you to everybody listening, leaving reviews on iTunes, and sharing our dad antics with your friends. It helps this podcast grow, and all of us over here appreciate it immensely. Also, check out Story Break, which is another podcast that Matt, Will, and I do, where we have an hour to break a ridiculous idea for a TV show or movie, such as a feature film that finally answers the question of why did the chicken cross the road? The answer will surprise you.

Next episode's coming at you June 4th. So until then, don't forget to change the batteries in your smoke detectors and ensure all of your fire extinguishers are fully charged. See you then. There was a time when you didn't know they brought you Never brought you

How did we get here? I had nothing to do with this. You guys decided let's seduce the band. That was 100% on you. I'm just saying how did we get here and that we started as not a BDSM podcast. And boy, oh boy. Didn't even hit double digits in the episodes until we got straight to explaining how to tie people up intentionally. Do I need to change that? I need to change that in the logo now. A sometimes BDSM podcast, but you never know.

It's just the word not is in quotes. Yeah. Or there's an asterisk something. It's asterisk, not a BDSM podcast. And then another asterisk. Not at all. Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. Bespoke. It's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collection. Oh, my God. Okay. So, like, you know, in Dune, they have the Box of Pain. That's like the opposite.

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