Ep. 6 - Support Your Local Library
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Dear diary, it's me, Ron, writing right now. Guess you know that because it's my diary. I mean journal. It's not a diary, it's a manly, manly journal. I am in a moving vehicle with three strangers and a lizard man. I'm thinking about cutting back on dairy. Need to mow the grass, too. This week, I got transported through a portal on the way to Terry Jr.'s soccer tournament.

Terry Jr. was actually sold into slavery with a few of his teammates, so looks like nobody's getting orange slices at halftime. We went after two of his teammates, the two kids that look the same. That was great, because I was able to stay clothed the entire time. I also made new friends. Two frogs named Maggie and Richard. Such great friends. Maybe even my dad would have been proud.

Anyways, we created a pyramid with beans and then knocked it over and killed hundreds of innocent people. That's what my wife would call a productivity win. A man-sized snake was there. I must say that I am writing this with a heavy heart. Maggie and Richard spontaneously disappeared a half hour ago and I miss them already. I wish they were still here so that I could introduce them to Terry. I think anyone would be happy to meet Terry.

I wonder what he's doing now. But enough of that. We're on to save Glenn's son next. And to be frank, I'm already fearing for that boy's life. But I'm not Frank. I'm Ron. XOXO, Ron Stampler. XOXO, Ron Stampler.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. I missed that last week and many people pointed that out. I want to make sure that's still true. You missed it and then a big snake slithered all over Daryl's naked body. Yeah, I think it's important because I'd rather... It's sometimes BDSM podcast. Well, I definitely don't want somebody looking for a BDS podcast being disappointed, but I'm okay with somebody not expecting one, but being pleasantly surprised.

So I definitely think it's going to be of the warning. This is a D&D podcast where four dads from our world are flung into the Forgotten Realms on a quest to rescue their sons. I am Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, rock and roll cover band dad. Fun fact about Glenn this week. He is very, very anal. Boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Nothing chuffs him more than

than when people make a wrong karaoke choice. What's a wrong karaoke choice? Point of order, chuffs means like it makes you happy. Nothing rubs them the wrong way. But that seems like exactly what Glenn would say though because he was adjacent to the clash once. He's like, I'm basically British. Oh yeah, here we go. Glenn Close frequently misuses and doesn't use the right accent for British slang. There you go. You have to do that now. Yeah. All right. He's well chuffed. Chuffed about that.

mate my name is matt arnold i play daryl wilson a stay-at-home uh coach dad and uh oh i'm a barbarian and fun fact about daryl he does not know what a birkenstock is um so he keeps pretending he's really trying to get henry to explain it to him a little fun mad fact i also don't know what birkenstock is and i haven't looked it up yet nobody tell him oh my gosh and i'm not googling it

I listened to the intro again yesterday. I was like, you know what? I keep laughing, but I don't know what Will's talking about. I don't know what a Birkenstock is. If you can successfully guess what a Birkenstock is at any point in the next three episodes, then it will immediately heal you back up to full health. Ooh.

Okay. To all the fans out there, send Matt some really hot pics of Birkenstocks. Are you trying to trick me and lead me in the wrong direction of what a Birkenstock is? I'm trying to lead you to the sex

sexy light that is a Birkenstock. Now, fans listening, someone is going to ruin this and tweet Matt what Birkenstocks are, so I need everyone else to spam Matt's feed with stuff that's not Birkenstocks. We need Birkenstock fake news to overwhelm. I want a full Russian propaganda operation blasting Matt. I want him to think that Birkenstocks are like a rare endangered bird. Can I tell you what I think it is right now? Yeah, please. I know this is probably wrong, but

I think it is. It's like when those like hipsters wear those like scarves that look like they're made out of like potato sacks like those shitty What are you talking about? Like shitty like those like shitty scarves. What the fuck are you talking about? I have never seen what you were currently describing. Someone wearing a potato sack on

You know, hey, when you're just walking around. Hey, you guys are just making it easier for me to heal myself. I'm narrowing down the options right now. You're really close. You're so close. You know when you go to visit all of your serfs and your serfs are just wearing these potato sacks?

Will they freeload on your land that you, their vassal, is entitled to? Here's the rule. If you want to figure out what Birkenstocks are, you must announce that you wish to solve the puzzle. Yeah. You can't just stumble on it. Yeah, you have to be like, I'd like to solve the puzzle, and then you have to answer what you think Birkenstocks are. Okay. And I'll put in the Wheel of Fortune sound effect. They aren't going to be bad consequences, otherwise you won't guess. But yes, it's only good for things for you. Okay. Apart from our mockery when you get it wrong. Okay.

I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, granola munching, stinky crunching, Birkenstock rocking, hippie nature dad. Rocking, huh?

Yes. Rocking it like a potato sack. That's a fun fact about Henry. He bought his first Birkenstocks when he was a wee lad of nine and he thought he was real cool because of it and other people had other ideas. Plural, huh? Okay. Okay. I'm getting close. Matt's like playing Clue by the time he's like, not this, not this, checking off boxes in the corner. It's like the world's dumbest. Okay.

Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron, he, like, 88 to 90% of the population is right-handed. Yep, he's a righty.

All left brain, no weird scissors or... That explains his extremely logical train of thought that always goes through his brain. Exactly what I was thinking, yes. I'm Anthony Burch, I'm your Daddy Master, and my fact today is...

When I said all the names of the towns that the different children are in, I threw out Rockport because I was just sort of trying to quickly think of like good D&D forgotten realms names. I was like, that canonically is one of them. I just realized this week it's not. It was only in the Adventure Zone. Oh, really? Yeah, on accident. Crossover. Wow. I don't think they'd be cool with us infringing on their IP. And I don't want to get in their IP because there are things about the world state that I don't want to influence our thing. What about Stoneport? Yeah.

Well, no, it's going to be called Rockport, but it's going to be like R-O-Q-U-E-P-O-R-T-E. Like Roquefort cheese? Exactly like that. So if you ever need to write that down, Dungeons and Daddies fans, which you never should, that's how you spell that. Roquefort. Exactly. This is episode six. Support your local library.

Because we're going milestone-based leveling, and you have saved two of your five children. You are now up to level three. All right. Wow. We almost don't need to save the rest. I think three is a pretty good job, guys. We haven't technically saved any of them. Level three for a bard gives me a college education, apparently. Wait, what? I get a bard proficiency in one of the colleges.

So it just gives me like a stat like bonus. It's like I took an online course in between the two episodes and I immediately graduated. You just got your email saying like surprise. Surprise. You got a C minus. You made it through. No, you took a pickup artist class. Oh.

Oh my god. You just got your certificate. Hey guys. You're a certified player now. I got cool login for their hidden site for like members only tips and forums. This sounds like this whole nothing battle ever come of this. I'll check that later. Alright. Oh no. What a garbage person you are.

Does anybody else have any decisions to make or any interesting stuff about your leveling up? I joined a druid circle. So I am now in the circle of dreams.

which I don't know what it is because I can't look it up. If anyone knows what the circle of dreams is, tell me in a dream. I discovered that I always had stone's endurance, which lets me reduce damage onto myself, which would have been helpful. That's like the basic thing a barbarian does. The only thing a barbarian gets to do is, I guess I got to clarify what my rage is. There's a bunch of options, but one of them, this sounded the closest to being a dad. It was ancestral protectors. That is so good. So that's pretty much dad rage. And now instead of just normal rage, I have dad rage.

To hit dad energy. Yeah, because what it does is when I hit a creature, they have disadvantage on them attacking anybody else. So it's like I protect my boys. Oh, cool. That's cool. That's really neat. So you're all my boys. I, Ron, get at the third level, you choose an archetype that you emulate in the exercise of your road abilities. The option that's right for me is probably swashbuckler because I...

I think... That's definitely how I'd describe Ron. I think that Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is very underrated. Oh, no. You just overtook Glenn Close as being the worst dad. I'm a dead man's chest man. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

So you've, like, drawn hidden inspiration from, like, Captain Jack this whole time. I like the squid face, man. Squidward. Yes, I like Squidward. No, but, like, it's like Bill Nighy in, like, a squid mask, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the way he says, like, Jack Sparrow. Like...

By the way, do we get a short rest or a long rest here? That is up to you because you're in the car and you're away and you're safe. You basically have to decide if you want to take a rest, you're going to have to pull over and just close your eyes. I've been staring pensively out into the space for about 40 minutes now after watching my two sons vanish before my eyes. And I feel like I wanted to circle the conversation back to maybe discuss what the flying fuck just happened to my sons. And then maybe we can take a nap after that.

Nothing like a good campfire to stir up conversation and reminisce. I want to start a campfire. I got propane. I got lighters. I got all sorts of stuff for a campfire. Speaking of stuff that you have, I'm definitely icing my nuts this whole time. Oh, yeah. I definitely do have ice packs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good thing you did. Well, why don't we pull over? We'll start up a campfire. We'll roast some weenies if those are available, and we'll figure out what on God's green earth is happening right now to my children. Can you describe this romantic campfire that we put together? Why don't you describe the campfire? You're the ones who are making it.

It's hot. We're sitting around it. I got power bars and I got some jerky, like I said from the last episode. I think I'm just passing around a bag of jerky and giving old Henry there a wink like, hey, maybe now's a good time for a little treat for old Daryl here.

Are you talking about Charleston Chew? Not now, Daryl. Not now. Yeah, Henry, what's going on, man? It was pretty traumatic watching my sons, both finding them, bonding with one of them, digging one of them out of a pit, watching them nearly die, bringing them to the point of safety and then seeing them vanish and then having them tell me I was a bad dad as they were vanishing. I've been through a lot today. Yeah, well, just imagine how we feel. Yeah.

We have it twice as bad because we had to watch you. How do you have it twice as bad, Ron? Well, because, you know, I was thinking about my frogs. I'm very still sad about them. And then we had to watch you do all this just exhausting emoting.

You know what? You're right. I've been monopolizing the conversation. The emotional space. The important thing is that we all feel safe to feel our feelings, so I'm sorry if I've been dominating the space with that. Ron, I'm very sorry about your frogs. I accept your apology, and...

Yeah, I have nothing but good things to say about those frogs, and I wish that I had them back. Hey, Henry, if there's one thing you could feel good about, whoever took your kids, I mean, their main complaint was that you were a terrible father. Like, they kept saying you're a terrible father. So it makes me think that whoever took them...

thinks being a good dad's important. So they're probably safe. Like this person's probably being a really good father to your two kids. So I think, I think they're fine. You know that the logic of that actually brings me a little peace. Once I got over you calling me a terrible father, I don't think you're a terrible father at all. Henry, I'm just saying what they said. I want to sidle up a little closer. Henry, like, Hey man,

I don't think you're a bad dad. I think that guy was whack as hell. Who cares what they say? If they got the ability to teleport kids around and make them speak weird languages and tongues and shit like that,

Man, screw that guy. You're pretty much the coolest dad out of all of us. I mean, you turned into a wolf. That freaked me out a little bit. And I think that happened. Good job. I just got to say, I love you guys. And you all just made me feel a lot better. I know we're going through a lot right now, but thank you each one of us. Ron, for making me realize that I'm not the only one with stuff going on right now. Sorry again about your frogs. Yeah.

Daryl for, you know, using logic to point out that the situation is maybe not as bad as I think. You know, my good buddy Glenn for reminding me that I am a pretty good dad, that I didn't turn into a wolf. So, you know, I feel a little bit better. I feel like I can maybe take on whatever tomorrow's adventure brings. Can we do a quick little dad huddle? Sure. Sorry, Cern, we're going to do a little dad huddle. Wait, Cern, do you have kids, Cern? I did. What happened to them? What happened to your kids? Pyramid fell on them. That's such a coincidence. We just came from a scene where...

We just actually came from a city where a pyramid fell on hundreds and hundreds of people. Two of them were my kids. That is small world, small world. A lot smaller now, yeah. Well, once a father, always a father. So you can join the dad huddle too. Dad huddle. I put my arms around everybody.

Guys, this is just dad hole because I just think Henry needed a hug. Are we huddling around the fire right now? I squeeze you all really tight. Like, is the fire... All right, so I'm leaning, like, trying not to burn myself over the fire. Which way is the smoke going? Cern. Like, this is fine.

Sorry, CERN. Sorry about your kids. It's fine. I'm kind of disassociating, so none of it really bothers me at this point. Hey, CERN, quick question. Yes. What does a Wookiee life debt mean? Basically, it means that because you've saved my life, I therefore owe it to you. We also call it a Gungan life debt because both Wookiee and Gungan are the two most loyal lizards that have ever existed. Yeah.

in our race. They both actually died for each other simultaneously in a co-life debt sort of situation. And we all aspire to be like Wookie or Gungan. I like that. I like that. You're a good guy, CERN. So you're saying that if I ever have a concern, I should hit up my buddy CERN. Okay, so here's the thing. Here's the thing.

It's not as funny when you guys don't get hurt with dad jokes. Agreed. But I don't want to just auto hurt you. So I was trying to think, and let me know what you think about this. Okay. When you tell a dad joke, everyone can either take a D4 of damage or like electricity, you could try to redirect it.

So when you hear it, so when you hear the dad joke, if you can think of a dad joke that adds on top of it, then I'll allow you to redirect that D4 of damage plus another D4 of your own making for your dad joke into any other living character within earshot or object.

So like putting pain on pain in a non BDSM podcast, I'm like for this. Yes. Well, it is not BDSM because the object of the pain does not have to consent. Anybody can say, Hey, put it into me or whatever. I have a lot of, well, Oh, yeah.

I phrased that weird. They can say, give me the pain or whatever, because I have a lot of HP or like whatever the fuck. Give me the pain. Good dad joke. Give me the pain. Okay. So can we go back into the dad joke that Matt just said and apply this new thing? Yes. So Matt, you want to give that one more time? So you're saying if I have a concern, I should hit up my buddy Cern. Why Cern-ton-ly? Okay. Okay. Okay. You look like a discerning individual. Okay.

Um, uh, wait, give me a second. Um, certainly was pretty good, I have to say. Um, let's see...

I guess, give me the pain. So do you want to take 3D4? Wait, that's how it works? It all amplifies? I mean, everybody's making a dad joke, so you can either take it onto yourself as a sacrificial thing. Beth, do you still have one of the frogs on you? Speaking of life debt, has anybody seen Maggie or Richard? Those are your frogs? Yes. Yes.

I haven't seen them for about a half hour. They were right here. They're right next to me. And then it's like they just disappeared. Hey, Ron, you know, if you're about to take a bunch of damage, my buddy Cern will just take that for you. He does whatever I want. Is that right, Cern? Is that okay? Yeah, what's going on? What the fuck?

Oh no, this is so sad. This is too sad. I don't like this new mechanic. It's okay if this psychic damage is going to hit our buddy Ron if you take it? Sure. His future seems so uncertain. Oh!

All right. All right. So who takes the damage now? So now it's definitely certain. Or we can redirect it into the car. How much HP does the car have? It's like when you get struck by lightning in a car, the car grounds the electricity. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Yeah. Okay. You know what? Yeah. Everybody rolled D4 of damage. I'm going to track this as a new stat. All right. What's the number? I did four damage. I rolled two. Four. Three. Three.

So 13 dad joke damage to car. CERN, can your kind handle alcohol? Yeah, I just don't feel like it's the smartest thing for me to do. No, no, no. I push it in front of you. You got to take a taste of this. I mean, I don't know about that. Come on, CERN. Let's get drunk. Let's party. I'm grieving. I don't know if that's the best thing for it. Grieving's the best time to party, my man. Hey, guys, don't pressure our buddy CERN into drinking. You know, maybe he's a teetotaler. I have my Wookiee of Gungan Life debt to you, Daryl. What should I do, Daryl?

I respect your decision. It'd be nice if I could you just take a taste and tell me what you think of it. Okay, sure. He slams back a whole flag and never whatever the fuck a cup of the beer. I don't drink beer in real life. I don't know what you drink beer out of flag a cup a cup. He drinks. He drinks a whole cup of beer. One cup of one cup of beer. If you please a madman.

I'd go to a bar and be like, excuse me, sir. I would like a cup or two of beer. Your finest ale, sir. I need to genuinely ask you this for how I roleplay him later. Is that enough to get drunk off? Not really. For a lizard, maybe. A normal person would not get drunk off of a single... Average person. An average person. Okay, yeah. I have a big beer. I have a big beer, and I'm just like...

Wow. Okay. Well, then he goes, mmm, delicious. All right. You're a good guy, Cern. Sorry about your kids. Well, I'm going to go to bed. I feel better about my life. Hey, Henry, are you going to go to bed still wearing Birkenstocks? Yes.

You know, I think I'm going to take the Birks off before I go to bed. That's something that you do with Birkenstocks. Why would I wear Birkenstocks to bed? I know it was being silly. Sometimes my kid does, but cool. Your kid has Birkenstocks. Yeah. Oh, well, that's wonderful. You know, I was only a boy of nine when I got my Birks. Anyway, Daryl pisses in the flames and goes, come on, boys, let's get some sleep.

Okay. And I take out the nice little folded blankets and I make sure everybody got a blanket. And I make sure everybody knows how to put their seats all the way down so they get as comfy as possible. Oh, you're in the car, the van. You could get five in there, by the way, because the first two rows of seats do recline back, which is nice on Odyssey. And then you can take that back row and fold it down. You got a nice flat space. That's what Daryl does. Yeah.

Do you want to sleep in the car? Do you sleep underneath it? Where do you like to sleep? I would like to be outside just to keep watch to make sure nothing bad happens to you. Wow. Thank you, sir. I get a bowl and I pour a little bit of a Daryl barrel special in a bowl for him and like keep it outside. I drink out of cups. You watch me drink out of a cup. Yeah. You're a good little buddy. I pat him on the head. All right. This is what you want. I mean, like leans over and like laps it up a little bit.

He's not feeling super great. So as you drift asleep to the sound of alien crickets under a sky that is unfamiliar to you, you find yourself in a familiar location. The same scorched wasteland that you saw in your previous shared dream when the man in the purple robe spoke to you. And the man in the purple robe is here. He stands before you and he points a finger at you and he says, Everything. Everything.

has come to pass exactly as I predicted. And you now recognize that this is the same voice that was coming out of Lark and Sparrow before they disappeared. And he says, In your previous dream, you were naked. And what was the first thing you did when you got to Neverwinter? You disrobed. Know that I have seen your futures. And they are very, very stupid. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You dumb, dumb idiots. Believe yourselves capable of taking care of a life you cannot even take care of your own. I have removed two of the most vulnerable amongst you, and they are now safe.

and the man on the rug gestures over and fading into view and floating in the air are Lark and Sparrow. And they say, hey, Dad. Lark? Sparrow? I can talk in this dream, right? Okay. Hey, real quick, are you guys in this dream? Am I talking to other people in this dream? Are we dream linked? I'm seeing this. Whoa. Shared dream experiences, man. Whoa. My voice sounds all dreamy. Ron, focus. Uh.

I have questions. Hello, Mr. Rogue Man? Hi, Henry Oak. You know. I know who you are. You're in my dream. I have your kids. Listen, I'd like my children back in K'wil. No. No. When you have retrieved all of your children, perchance you have learned something. Perchance you have become the fathers you should be that I know you are incapable of being. And only then...

Will you stand any chance of seeing your children? Yes, you have your hand raised. Hi, thank you. Henry, it's me again. I know it's you. I feel like I did pretty good fathering in that last escapade. Are you sure? I'm pretty sure that I kept one of my boys from doing a mass sacrifice. Oh, do you round up when it comes to making sure that your kids aren't psychopaths? Is that how it works? Considering I didn't think I was going to be plummeting into a portal, I think I'm

doing all right? No, that would have been good. How many children do you have, buddy? Oh, you'll find out soon enough, my friend. You will be my child once I have... No, that sounds really bad. That's weird. It's a little sexual. He says, put your hand down, Ron. I'll get to you in a second. You rescued, and I'm doing massive quotation marks under this robe. Daryl Wilson. I'm not Don Chastagney. I just have a quick question. Point of order. And he's like...

And your mouth fucking zips shut like Neo from the Matrix. And he goes, I'll get to you in his first run, then you. But the point I'm making is, you went to rescue your kids, again, sarcasm quotes, and then you buried one under a bunch of rubble. I had nothing to do with that. That was something you dumb idiots came up with on your own. Question for you, did both kids get rescued?

Did both kids make it into the minivan? Then it sounds like I fathered the shit out of that scene and I rescued both my kids and then you came in and decided the rescuing wasn't good enough. Okay, here's... I'm getting the final word on this one. He zips your mouth... He zips your mouth shut.

He goes, if you think fatherhood is just about making sure that your kid, after getting buried beneath two tons of rubble, is only half dead and not full dead, then my point is made and you're a bad father. Okay, now Ron. Ron, you go. Yes, is this warning about fatherhood

Fatherhood or about stepfatherhood? Because it is... If it doesn't apply to me... The fact that you asked that means you're not ready. I felt like I was getting more restful sleep when I was not asleep. Like, I was not dreaming. I would like to have just death sleep now. If you...

If you take a nap, I won't come in on the nap then. This is great. This is great. It's been great meeting you here in the stream. Yeah, no problem. In the stream. Okay, now, Daryl, you go. He unzips your mouth. Sorry, after all that, my question seems pretty stupid. I'm okay. Perfect. Zips your mouth right back up. I don't know why, but when I did this, I kind of assumed you'd just stand around and listen. And now...

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I bolt upright screaming like I just had the scariest nightmare of my life. Guys, did you all meet that shithead in your dream last night? Yeah, what a turn. Fuck that guy, right? Sorry, I'm really riled up. I usually don't cuss this much. That's two for the swear jar when I get back home. Jeepers creepers. Hey, so it seems like every time we fall asleep, we seem to go into this weird plane. I think next time...

Let's think about some strategy and tactics. Do you know what I mean? You know, I'm right there with you, buddy. I remember a little movie called The Nightmare on Elm Street in which there was a sort of dreamscape bugaboo that would menace the children. And I believe that they all jumped on him and they were able to capture him in the dream. And if they woke up after capturing him in the dream, they brought him into the real world. That's a good idea. So I think that's what we should try to do next time.

We'll do a code word. What should the code word be to jump this guy? Birkenstock.

Because we all know what Birkenstocks are. That's true. All of us know what a Birkenstock is. All right. So next time we go into the dream, one of us will drop Birkenstock. We should probably. But wait, we got to put because if we just scream Birkenstock, they're going to be like, well, that must be a code word. So like maybe we need to put it naturally in a sentence. So like I'll give you an example. Sure. God, I love my Birkenstocks. All right. So we'll do that. Yeah. OK, that's great. Good, good, good. OK, good. Hey, sir. Did you have that dream last night? No. What did you dream about?

Oh, it wasn't your kids. Oh, never mind. Never mind. Wait, what? Wow. Well, now I'm thinking about them again. Yeah. No, I had been spending all night trying to like meditate and like try to move past, try to push them to the back of the old CERN brain. But nope, there they are again. I can see him clear his day right in front of me. Have you ever seen Nightmare on Elm Street? No. Johnny Depp gets eaten by a bed.

Of all of these people, you're the one I understand the least. I want to get to know you better, but not that much better. I'd like to just... I realize I should have done this. I want to text Nick, just be like, hey, bro, where are you at? Okay, so when you do that, roll your D20 for your cell phone battery. That's a 12 on the battery check. Okay, so you're fine. If you roll a 3 or lower, you will run out of battery. Okay. So you don't get a text back initially. Okay.

But after about 30 seconds, I get the typing indicator. It says who does if I was every time I responded, I'm going to text him back again. I'm going to say, oh, you should goof with him. It's it's your mama. Everyone we've woken up and everyone's gathered around me texting my son. I'm going to text him back and I'm going to say, it's your dad. We're looking for you.

17 on the phone check. Okay, so now you're up to four. Your response, LOL. I'm going to go ahead and put the phone to sleep and shake my head and be like, what a cool guy. Man, this kid's so cool.

So that was an interesting fact-finding mission. I guess we know. It sounds like he's alive, so that's good. Seems like he's pretty fine. Still has access to his phone. And he's laughing. He's fine. Well, I think we should try to get to him before the hooded weirdo gets to him. Yeah, that's a good point. And then we also are going to have to try to figure out some way to stop him from turning that boy of yours into smoke. So we'll think about that in a second. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Hey, CERN.

You know where Waterdeep is? We're kind of lost here. We kind of just took the first road out of Neverwinter, and I don't really... Do you have a map? Can you draw us a map or something of this world? Because we're not from around here. I don't know if you know that or not. No. Where are you from? I think we came in from some kind of portal, some sort of other world that's like very not this world. Ooh. Yeah. Yeah.

That's fun. Yeah, but our sons are missing. Oh, less fun. Yeah. I relate to that. Yeah. But ours are alive. As far as we know. Well, now I don't relate to it anymore. They might be dead. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. Ha ha ha!

So can you just draw a map or something for us? Yeah, sure. So he draws a map for you, and you can basically tell that Waterdeep is to the north, and some of the other places that you might go, Rockport or Meadowshade, are to the east and west, respectively. So if you want to go to Waterdeep, you're going north through a forest and a small mountain range. All right. Team, before we get back in the van, car check. I pull out my toolbox. I hand a wrench over to... Oh, my God. Are we really? Yeah, I'm like, tighten up those wheels. Let's check the gas. You...

have very little gas left. We got a problem here, boys. We're pretty low on gas here. I don't know. Ron farts. That's a good one, Ron. But seriously, we're low on gas. Ron farts again. Oh, man, that's funny every time. Ron. But seriously. Ron. Yes. Roll a d20.

Three. What is happening right now? Anthony's pulling Beth aside for a little bit of a side consult. He's whispering something over. She's confused. She's asking for clarification. Hey, Ron. I hate to be a little blue, but I do have some extra boxers in my... Do you want...

Oh, no. Did you say you're, what did you say? You're blue? Hey, look, everybody just, we're not talking here. I open the back trunk. I go, the boxes are in the back. And let's, everyone's staring straight ahead. No, no, yeah. Ron's going to do what he's going to do. Let's talk about his gas problem. It's not a problem anymore. It shouldn't be a problem anymore.

Oh, you mean the car? The car. Okay, because I'm situated. Okay. I'm all good. Cool. All right. So are you not going for the boxers? I stare at the boxers for a very long time, and then I take off all like 45 layers of pants that Ron is wearing. And then I put on the boxers.

What do they look like? They're tighty-whities. Oh, yeah. They're not boxers. They're Hanes tighty-whities. Daryl calls them boxers. Daryl just doesn't know what anything is. I feel like I need to take damage for wearing tighty-whities. You'll take disadvantage on, like, persuasion checks. Okay.

Does that mean I always have to switch? You merely adapted to the time you were born in. I'm about to go full Heisenberg. It's just like Breaking Bad pilot right now. Yeah. Hey. Oh, yeah. They don't. They probably don't have gasoline in this world, do they? You guys have gas. You guys. You guys have. What do you use to power your vehicles? Food like horses. Like, what do you mean?

Is there a town nearby? Yeah, there's a village a little bit up the road. Why? Does it have a horse station? You mean a livery? Just a... Like a stables? Yeah, no, just a place where we could put a horse in the car. What? Ron, you want to put a horse inside the van? Yeah, instead of gas. Put a horse in. Ron, I like what you're thinking, but imagine if we got four horses and then we tied them to the van...

and we had a van chariot. That would be pretty cool, I gotta say. That would be pretty cool. Well, wait, here's the second. You've got that jug. Yeah. Can we do gas in the jug? How does the jug work? I can do oil. Petrol is not on this, I'm afraid. So if we could refine the oil, we'd have gasoline.

How far away is this town, Cern? It's about two miles away. Do you think we can make it? Is there a chance? I mean, I was like, you know, I mean, I might as well try until we run out. That's like no gas. Yeah, that's like two miles is nothing. Yeah, let's try turning on the van and getting to New York town. All right, go ahead and roll whatever stat we gave you for your car. I'm going to use that inspiration. And that's a 16 plus 3, 19. All right. It roars to life. The beast lives. All right.

Let's go. I was wondering if we could crack a window. I still have all my pants in the car. You kept them? You kept the pants? You just, you never know. Hey, Ron, again, don't, whatever is making that smell, you mind tossing it out the window? I didn't poop my pants. I did not poop my pants. Nobody's saying you did, but. Roll persuasion with a disadvantage.

He definitely pooped his pants. Look, whatever that smell is. Yeah, whatever it is. I'm not 20 fingers. Whatever it is, guys. Can you all just look around and throw out whatever's making that smell? You know, it's me. I pooped my pants. And I'm really sorry, but I'm going to throw these boxers that I pooped in out the window. I grabbed the boxers and I throw them out the window.

And I give Ron a little thumbs up. I don't think they know. Ron just looks like he's shocked straight in the head. Did you throw away your clean boxers? No, I threw away the ones you're wearing. Your boxers.

Your pile of pants? He made the decision you never could. Oh, my God. Yeah. All right. No, that's great. Okay. So you come upon the village, and it is a village in the loosest sense of the phrase. You see a stables with a... More like a vil-ish. Yeah.

That doesn't count. That doesn't count. All right. It's not enough for damage, but all right. Yeah. All right. I'm just putting that out there. Mild acknowledgement from around. I'm just putting points on the board. It's fair. Daryl nod. Daryl liked it. So this is definitely a podunk village if you've ever seen one. There's like two emaciated horses by the stables. There's only a couple of little huts that clearly don't have anybody living in them.

But the thing that draws your eye immediately is that in the center of this quote unquote village is a two story tall tower of books of every shape and size and color. And next to that tower of books is a smiling man standing on two rickety legs who sees you approach. And he goes, ah!

Welcome to the Village Library! Have you come for knowledge? Wow, you know, I know we're trying to save our sons. I love bookstores. I got it. I'm sorry. Hi! Henry Oak, hi! Nice to meet you. Hello, fellow knowledge seeker! Boy, oh boy, what a swell collection of books you got there. Are you perchance a book vendor? A book lender? Ooh, I am a lender of books. Information should never be saved only for the elites.

Say, I've got a question for you. Is there anything about fuel sources? See, our giant crab beast, the Odessi of Honda, in which we travel, is low on its energy source, and we come from a strange land, and I'm looking for maybe another way to feed the beast, so to speak, so that we can get it a little further down this road. Yes, I have many treatises on the science of alchemical formulas. In order to borrow such a tome,

You must trade knowledge for knowledge. Oh, okay. You must tell me something I do not know that I find interesting. I mean, well, what kind of knowledge are you looking for, my man?

Happenstance of the Forgotten Realms, Human Truths, Secrets of the Soul. Can I take a shot, guys? I feel like I got a good one. Oh, you got one? All right. Did you know that there are worlds beyond this one? Ooh, tell more. There are realms beyond your realm, planets beyond your planet. We come from one of these, a realm we call Earth. Really rolls off the tongue, that one.

And on this yarth, we traveled through a portal into this world. Ooh, why'd you do that? It was by forces unknown to us. Ooh, unknown forces. So I feel like that's a lot of stuff you didn't know. So can we get a peek at that alchemical book? Yeah, for sure it is, for sure it is.

and he plops the backpack down, and then, like, you assumed he kind of moved like a normal human being because he was standing bipedally, but then he, like, slumps forward onto all fours, and, like, a weird spider, like, crawls up the small tower of books and, like, jams his hand as far into the tower as he can. And, like, you expected to hear, like, paper shuffling, but you hear squishing. There's a lot of squishing, and he, with his...

He pulls out a book and shakes some slime off of it and then shoves it into your hands and it says, Alchemical Delights for the Novice. Oh, like... It's like kind of for dummies. Yeah, I was going to say, we have a for novice series of books called For Dummies in our world. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I feel like that earns us another book.

I disagree. You also notice on this paperback there's like a runic etching of like a guy pointing with his hand on his chin like pointing up where like he's a dummy. Like a yellow book. Yeah, it's like kind of a yellowed, yellowed tome. Do you not lend books to children? What do you mean? Just feels like somebody who's really anti-elitist wouldn't only give books to people who know more than you. You must not know too many children. Children have an understanding of the universe that the elderly and the adult can only hope to achieve. They see the world with very

Virgin eyes, they see what you and I have failed to see over our many, many years of adulthood. Daryl got very uncomfortable when he said virgin and he just looked away. All right, all right, this guy's got it. Ron feels superior because he thinks he is a virgin. Did we ever determine if he actually is a virgin or not? Let's not. Okay, cool. Excuse me, excuse me. I just finished the Dresden Files full moon. Do you have the next in the series? Ooh, let me check.

And he doesn't move and he goes, no. Well, thank you for looking. No problem. Could you check the back? Yeah, absolutely.

No, still no. Okay, okay, thanks. Hey, you got any books on like pop songs of this world? Ooh, greatest bard tunes. Yes, yes. Yeah, I feel like that would be something useful in our travels because, you know, I could just keep dropping Zep and the Beatles on these folks, but maybe sometimes you got to read the room and play your crowd. Here, I'll tell you what. I'll give you this in exchange, and I give him a transcription of all the lyrics

of Will Smith's Wild Wild West. I'm just going to give him the entire lyrics to Wild Wild West. Of course. So you say it to him. You have to currently, right now, look at me dead in the eyes, don't look at your monitor, and then tell me as much of Wild Wild West as you can. If you can get at least 75% of it. I can't do 75%. Well, then I guess you're not getting that fucking book, huh? Wiki, wiki, wiki, wow. Wiki, wiki, wow, wow. For a while. Laughter

That's a big part of it. Yeah. Yeah. It goes West. Jim West. I'm Desperado. Desperado. There you go. How's it feel, Freddie? Jim West. Remember that. I'm going to fight a spider. Oh, no. No. It's not even the right guy. Which one is it? Kevin Kline. Freddie just played up. He doesn't know that you don't know the lyrics. No, he's looking. Roll persuasion with disadvantage.

You should have just bluffed. He doesn't know how rap sounds. Between the two and the three, I'll take the two. Okay. So he goes, you don't know the lyrics to Wild Wild West by Will Smith at all, do you? Do you? No, but I can see a liar from a mile away. You lack the confidence of someone who would understand Willenium. Okay.

Try again. Okay, as someone who's failed to give me knowledge, you must now instead give me either a deep truth of humanity that you have learned or a secret that no one else knows but you and then all of us once you tell it to me. Deep truths about humanity. Here's one. And it must be one I don't know already. So don't give me no basic shit. This one's pretty deep. In a band...

After they're done playing, we kind of save our songs because we kind of expect an encore. We're just hanging out back there. Like we know, we know that they expect the on. We don't actually, when we leave the first time, we're not actually leaving, like leaving, leaving persuasion with disadvantage. Yeah.

14? We got 14 out of 19 on those two. Damn. This is sufficient somehow. Yeah, you know, like when you go to like a concert and you think that the band's done, they're not actually done. They're just expecting the, they know that the, we're coming back. Hey Glenn, stop selling. The sort of lesson about humanity is that we make up our own weird rules and then sort of play by them even though we all know that they're made up. Existence is kind of a collective delusion. Ooh, ooh, look at the big boy. Ha ha ha!

And with that, he climbs back up on all fours.

And then shoves both of his hands and like his entire torso like disappears into the thing. And then his whole body does. You're like, oh no, where'd he go? And then he like pops out of the top holding a book in both hands. He says, I found it. And he tosses it down to you. And it is Bill's board of the best bard tunes. Bard jams. Bard jams. That's what I call bard jams. That's exactly what it is. Kid's bard. Kid's bard.

Hard with like a backwards R. Yeah.

So yeah, he gives you... Now, that's what I call bard jams. And then in the back, there's a chapter that's called Kids Bard that is all the previous songs, but with all the profanity. Yeah, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. It has the chords and everything. Oh, this is great. This is great, guys. I'm going to crack open this book on alchemy for idiots and see if there's anything in here that can help us conjure up a way to power the Odessi of Hondai. You see that there are basically three options when it comes to creating a power source. There is one that is permanent. There is one that is...

has to be refilled every couple weeks, and there's one that is like an hourly thing. The permanent one sounds pretty good. I'd like to check that out. A Willing Soul.

A willing soul has to be killed and put into a vat of oil and then mixed with the spittle of everyone who's going to benefit from it. Dad huddle with live kids. Only dads with live kids. Dad huddle. So not me? Sir, no. Just one second. Okay. This is a little dark, but we do have a willing soul. I am not.

Not for us killing CERN. I'll just put it out there. We were all thinking it. I'm glad someone expressed it. So it's out there and we know that we're not doing it. All right. We step back.

Hey, Cern, you're one of us, just so you know. So why wasn't I in the huddle? We were just talking about a cool nickname to give you. What is it? What's the nickname? Tell it to me right now. All four of you, tell me two at the same time. Would you agree on? Yeah. Okay, here we go. Three, two, one. Lizard Boy. Scales McStuffins. Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. That is the name that I will be. Cern is dead. From now on, I am Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins.

It's a pretty cool name, right, Cern? Or should I say... Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins? You should, because that is now my name. Okay, what are the other two options in this book? So the immediate one that has to be done every hour is everybody has to put their mucus into a pot, pour the mucus into whatever you're trying to power, and then every hour you have to come up with a different affirming compliment. Excuse me?

What about mucus? We all have to hock our loogies into a pot. I mean, this is pretty much what it's like at a frat house, guys. You've never done an affirmative, yeah, loogie swap. Sorry, what was that again? We all tell each other a compliment? No, you have to, it's basically, not unlike the goop from Ghostbusters 2. You have to,

You have to hock a bunch of loogies, pour them into the gas tank, and then you have to, once an hour, it's power runs on positive vibes. You have to open up the gas tank and whisper something unique and empowering and sweet to the car.

Okay, I think that sounds pretty good. What's the middle one? What's the other one? The middle one is you have to grind up gold dust into oil, mix that with the tears. Boring! Yeah, it's the normie one. I think we should go with this loogie thing. What we have to do, gentlemen, is we're all going to spit into a bucket.

and get like that phlegmy spit and then I guess we pour it into the car and we say nice stuff to it and then we can drive for it now Lizzy boy you probably got good lizard mucus why don't you give us the first hack and I hold a bucket out in front of him sure he goes hoi ha ha ha

And it's like a spray. Half it gets on your forearms. And it's very clear, very not gross. It's fine. It's like you did a quick tap on one of those Glade plug-in things.

Y'all could just say that you spit and we don't need to do descriptions. Yeah, I don't think we all need to do our best spit description. I think that Glenn has to teach Ron how to spit like Leo. Yeah, Leo in Titanic. You really got to hawk it back. And then still Ron is just like pew, pew. It just dribbles down his chin. I take the bucket and I slowly like scrape it off the chin. I go, don't worry. It's all right. I'll get that spit for you. That's what I do with a baby. That's my evening sound.

You're a real dad. Weird flex, but okay. It's your car, so I guess you do the honors, my man. All right. I pour in all that spit, and I put my mouth as close as I can to the opening.

And I whisper, a car. Beast. You trying to fuck it? I go, some of my best memories were in you. From driving my kid. It's the worst thing anybody's ever said. It's the worst thing anyone's ever said. I drove my wife Carol to the hospital. The car breaks down. Without you, my beautiful baby boy Grant wouldn't be here in this world. So thanks a lot. You've been a good car. And then I look at everybody judgingly as they were clearly laughing at my beautiful statement.

Don't listen to them. You're a great car. Nothing happens. Gas tank doesn't get any more full. Dang, Daryl, that was really heartfelt. What about you, Henry? All right, I'll give it a shot. I whisper into the car, hey, Daryl's car. I just want to say, you know, I never really considered myself a minivan person. And I drive an ethanol, which is a little bit more environmentally friendly. But I just want to say you've changed my mind. And you might be a little gas guzzler, but you're a reliable minivan.

and I appreciate you. I'm just going to throw in a little extra here. Is it doing anything right now? No. Okay. I'm trying to contribute here. I'm trying. Hi, car. It's me, Ron Stampler. I would like to say that I have a quick complaint that our children are missing, and I think if the child safety lock feature had been better, we could have...

kept them in the car. So something to maybe think about in the future. I'm a huge fan. Keep driving. The gas tank is still empty. I go, I shake my head at these guys. I'm like, ugh. I open the gas tank and I lean in and I go, Odyssey Sanwa. I go back and I'm like, guys, this car is a Japanese-making model. Laughter

The gas tank immediately goes to Phil. Oh, no. Glenn, you taught me something about my car. I appreciate that. I slap you on the back. Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, man. No problem. Sometimes, you know, vehicles, machines, you just got to talk to them in the right way. You included the safety lock feature complaint, right? Sure. Yeah. Okay, cool. I just think it's really important. I mean, I thought I knew my car that well, and I didn't even know it was Japanese. And being a thing, maybe I don't know Grant as well as I thought I did either. Yeah.

Great, let alone Carol. Well, thank you, Weird Book Man. What's your name? Oh, my name is The Library. The Library. Well... Did you want any other knowledge? Anything? I feel like there's a good chance here, fellas. Oh, oh, oh, oh. We all had a shared dream featuring a mean man in a purple bathrobe, and he's been beaming our kids into dust. We think he's behind taking them. Do you have anything that could help with that? Mm.

As this is a little bit more of a complicated request, you're going to have to give me something a little more interesting. Personal secrets. That's all I'm taking now. Personal secrets. Full up on the other two. I can take one for the team here. I don't know if I want to hear one from him. All right, library. Okay, here we go. I pooped my pants recently. Judging from the reaction that these men just had, that is clearly not a... You pooped your pants? You pooped your pants, right? Everyone roll deception.

That's a 14. I got a 12, 17. Okay. I guess they didn't know. That's a very brave secret you shared with me. That's not all you don't know. I mean... Do you want another book? No, that's it. Okay. All right, well done. Good secret. Put that one right in the vault. Hey, what do you do with all this knowledge and Ron's poop secret? I write them up, make new books out of them. What's the book going to be called? It's going to be called This Guy I Met Who Pooped. What?

Kind of like that email when the subject line kind of tells you the whole email. This guy named Ron who pooped. E-O-P, end of book. It might get longer if I meet more guys who poop or if I meet him again. Another quick secret is my name is not Ron Stampler. I don't know who Ron Stampler is. Wait, what? What? Ron Stampler sounds way too cool to poop his pants.

I pooped my pants, but not Ron Stampler. So what is your name then? Um, Ston Rampler. All right, I'll put that in the book, I guess. Yep, yep, yep. Okay, cool. Sounds great. So do we get a book from about the dream stuff? Let me go get it. He dives into the book tower and it's dead silent for a second. And then it sounds like he's like fighting something. It sounds like, like he's just like, fuck you. No. No.

I don't want it. No. And then when he comes out, there is a living book that is just biting his hand. Whoa. And like the pages are flapping open or whatever. And he's just like punching it with his other hand, trying to like rest it into submission. And then he throws it onto the ground and then like puts his knee on it and puts all of his weight on it. And he goes, so this is a book that,

about magic primarily used by dicks like but just dick dickish things to do dickish magic dickish magic by and for dicks and yeah I mean you can have it it'll be it's a handful ha ha ha is it gonna kick it was kind of a dick it's fine nobody got it it was on me that's on me bad delivery that was on me do you want the book uh

Uh, is it going to keep biting me? Yeah. You'll have to find a way to bind it or something. I got some straps. He's got some ratchet straps. We'll strap it down. We'll figure it out. Okay, here you go. Like that Harry Potter monster book. Or the Army of Darkness monster book. More going for Will's than for your thing. Yeah. I forgot about the monster book from Harry Potter.

We strap it up, and it's just thrashing around, I guess. It'll just always be thrashing. I think we should be on our merry way. Do you travel these lands, or do we just have to come back here if we want more books? I like to walk around and get more knowledge from the different realms. I plan on being in Meadowshade fairly soon. So you're doing a book tour? Yes. Oh, my God.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. Why are you all making weird faces? All right, well, good luck with your books. Hope we run into you again someday. Yeah, no problem. So are you going to give the books back eventually? Oh, yeah. Checkout system. We'll be back. We'll see you in Meadowshade. Okay, we'll meet up in Meadowshade and take the books back.

That sounds great. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. What? Is there like a late fee? What happens if the book goes missing? Oh, I kill you. Oh. And then I bind a book out of your skin and that will tell the whole tale of you and people will read about what happens when you cross me. I'm the library. Listen to that sweet tune on Kids Barred.

I think we should get going. This guy's creeping me out. We got a full tank of gas. We got a full tank of gas. Weird book, man. Library, thank you for the knowledge. No problem. And we will definitely get these books back to you. Yeah, I'll see you in Meadowshade. I told you what would happen if you didn't, so. How about the due date? Two weeks from today. So two weeks from today, we have to be in Meadowshade, or you will come for us and turn us into books of flesh. Correct. Do you want to hang on to your alchemical knowledge one? Oh, you can have this one back. Oh, thank you. Thank you. It was slightly less painful if I kill you now.

It'll be a little bit quicker. Just for clarity, I've returned my book. Oh yeah, you'll be fine actually. The other ones will be fine. Alright, let's go.

All right. Lizard Boy Scales, Mick Navigator. Ooh, neat, neat, neat, neat, neat. Where are we going? Let's go to Waterdeep. So as you drive away from the village with the Tower of Books receding in the rearview mirror, the car is purring like a kitten. It's better than it's ever been. Full on gas, high spirits. And then you embark on the road to Waterdeep. It takes you on a path through a mountain range. You're flanked on either side by these beautiful mountain ranges with snow-capped peaks and

The air is getting thinner and it's getting colder. You see a raging rapids nearby you that are fed by presumably a mountain glacier. You see a little rickety bridge that goes over the aforementioned rapids and standing on the bridge are two very confident, very patient looking young men. As you drive up to them, they wave a hand to tell you to stop.

I mean, we got a car. I roll down the window. I go, what's wrong? We're still moving slowly, but I'm going to slow down. I go, hey, what's wrong? What's wrong? What's up? They go, toll. Got to pay a toll, please. What's the weight rating on this bridge? I don't understand what that means. Like how heavy of a thing can you drive?

ride over the bridge. Are you going to try to go past us? No, no, no. I don't know if we can even. No, why pay the toll if our vehicle can't get over there? I feel like you could probably make it. We've had whole armies and stuff. Cool, cool. How much is the toll? Hey, Daryl Wilson here and I put my hand out. Is the car still going toward him? No, I stopped right in front of the bridge. Okay, it's five silver, please. Why don't we just back up? That's fine. You just have to find another way around. You have to go through rapids. Okay, I'll be...

I'll be right back. I roll up the window. Guys, I mean, we can literally just drive this van about three miles per hour over the bridge. We have five silver. We could just pay them and support the local economy. As you guys are talking, your phone vibrates. Oh, hold on. I pulled the phone. Take a look at the phone. So you read a text from your son and it says, LOL, I'm watching you.

Whoa, what? For real? He's here? Nick's here? Suddenly, the trees seem to come alive with a bunch of other bandits that all plop down from different trees. And then one lands. Does one do a blade landing? Is the blade landing like the Spider-Man landing? The blade landing is canonically the left leg straight out, the left arm down, and then the right arm splayed behind, head down, left.

Like, boom. And then as the camera pushes in, it slowly looks up and he goes, I'm Blade. I walk alone. Okay, so exactly that happens with somebody who lands on the hood of the Honda Odyssey. Oh, Blade landing. And the head slowly looks up and the camera pans around to him and you see that it is Nicholas Close, your son. And he goes, Hey, Dad. You'll be all right. You'll be all right. Cause that's just life. And if you die, you'll be all right.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Sampler and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close, theme song by Maxton Waller, Japanese translation help this week from Kevin Senzaki, ranted us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads using the DNDads hashtag,

Find premium dad memes and join the episode discussion on our Facebook group at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads. There is now a Dungeons and Daddies subreddit at slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies with some pretty amazing fan theories, I have to say. Thank you to everybody leaving iTunes reviews and telling your friends about the show. We hope you had a good time. And if you did, try telling a D&D fan in your life.

about it. Next episode will be April 23rd. So until then, remember that tax day is coming up April 15th and that the mileage rate for 2018 for your car or minivan is 54.5 cents per business mile driven. I had a tick on my testicle once.

What? A tick. What did you do? What did you do about it? You know, well, you got it. You light a match and you stick it on your testicle. And you take a tick out. That's how I got the tick off my neck. Yeah. I put the flame on my testicle.

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