Ep. 51 - An Escape Plan For That
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. His name is Glenn Close. He's a rock and roll Christmas cover band dad slash bard incarcerated in the meth-based Supermax like a few days ago. He has no identity as a father in the United States or Faerun. Parentally speaking, he does not exist. Fatherly decisions have a way of coming back to haunt you. Let's go.

Glenn Close, for the crime of being a bad dad, I sentence you to a life sentence in time jail. The dad they replaced you with becomes your greatest threat. Battery VX gas rockets is presently deployed for a highly lethal strike on the population of the San Francisco Bay Area. Dad, you do the best impression of Brigadier General Francis Hummel played by Ed Harris, my favorite character from The Rock. And the dads that totally suck compared to you become your only hope.

Henry Oak. Daryl, are you sure you're ready to bust Glenn out of prison? I'll do my best. Your best? Losers are always going on about their best. It's really a toxic mindset. You know, we really need to rethink the whole loser-winner paradigm. You know, I read a great piece about that in the New Yorker. Daryl Wilson. Listen, I'm just a stay-at-home coach, Dad. I drive a Honda Odyssey, a white one, so why don't you just cut me some freaking slack? Ron Sampler. Do you like the Elton John song, Rocket Man? Well...

I don't because maybe he has time to go up in rockets and talk about being a man, but I am a man. I'm a businessman. That's why I like the song Taking Care of Business, also by Elton John. And that new guy, Jodie Foster, who sucks. I will not give that order! I will not repeat that order! I will not give that order! What the hell is wrong with you, man? Hey, hey, hey, language, buddy. Sorry, Dad, this scene just gets me so pumped. This summer, all that stands between Glenn Close and Oblivion

is my own damn self that's where i'm fussing out of here

Welcome everyone to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a D&D podcast about forefathers from our world flung into a fantastic realm of magic, wonder, and glory in a quest to rescue their lost children. Dang it, Jimmy. You're doing better voices than us, too? No, better voices than you, Freddy. He's taking your job right now. Yeah, it's not that fucking hard. And let's not forget, we're hanging out with our flavorful friend, Glenn, as well. Guest of the show. Yeah.

My name is Jimmy Wong. I play the fictional father, Jodie Foster. I make sure to say fictional now because of Will, because I want to make sure that no one confuses what I'm doing here with reality. Now, Jimmy, is this one of these things where, like, you're saying fictional because we're going to find out that Jodie isn't real later on, and then you were like, I said he was fictional the whole time. It was right in front of your face. Ooh.

That would be so cool. I'm putting all my chips in on that. I'm saying right now that's what's going on and I'm calling it. Anyway, my dad fact this time around, the first time Jody ever smoked a cigarette was to prove to his son, Nicholas, just how uncool it was. Uh,

And so he was like trying to play it cool and being like, yeah, you might see kids in the back doing this. And he like took a long drag, but had literally never smoked in his life. He just accidentally like inhaled too much smoke. He got stuck in his stomach. Basically, the entire thing really did prove how uncool it was just because Jody looked awful doing it. And he hacked up a lung afterwards. So that was like the first time he...

Smoked? Cigarettes? Yes. What if he fucking loved it? What if he's like, oh, now I see the appeal. What person loves a cigarette the first time they smoke it? These menthols go down smooth. He's been chasing that high ever since. You can't tell anyone. Yeah, exactly. What a square cop. Okay. Never smoked a cigarette. Does he drink? Yeah, he'll sip on stuff, but he's not like a heavy drinker. He'll sip on stuff. Well, he read online that red wine is really good for you, so he just always has...

Oh, my God. And it's not great. It's box wine sometimes just because it's, you know, more affordable. Franzia, dude. Yeah, Jody's a Franzia mom, just like me. I feel like Jody has one wine glass. He's got like a name on it, you know, like Big Mama or something. And that's like the only thing he drinks out of. Just says no whining.

He definitely like one on eBay and bought the, my house, my rules or my coffee, that mug from a knives out. He thought that was amazing too. Yeah. He immediately bought it. Jimmy, it's one dad fact per fact, please save that. I'm going to catch up. Y'all are like at 52 or whatever. Yeah. Hey everybody. My name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay at home coach dad who becomes a barbarian upon entering this magical, fantastical world of elves and goblins and swords and magicians.

axes. So a little dad fact for you, a little Daryl fact, uh,

I thought I was going to just keep it simple. So Daryl kind of going to the hygiene world. It's been a while since we've talked about our various hygiene. I mean, he was farting in beds like two episodes ago. So you're right. It's not hygienic. Look, when you categorize my dad, facts that goes in the bedroom games category, not the hygiene category. This is a hygiene. I've already established that falls under the category of respect and the lack of it. So Daryl,

Sort of like Henry, Daryl doesn't shower or he doesn't bathe. Daryl's favorite thing is he does what he likes to call a tropical waterfall, which is showering and bathing at the same time. See, he likes to put a little... He fills up the bathtub a little bit and then he likes to sit in it and turn on the shower. And then when you let the drain go, it kind of equalizes as much water goes as drains. And then he just closes his eyes and...

And he likes to pretend he's in a different place. He's in the Caribbean. He's in a little pool and there's a waterfall showering on his head. It's like one of his favorites, like the way he meditates. It's very nice. I used to do that. And then when I heard that that one guy on Reply All does it, I was like...

Okay, we get that a lot of people do this. It doesn't mean that it's right to think about fucking a 45-year-old man doing it. No, it's not cool. It's definitely not right. You're like wasting twice the amount of water, right? But when I was like 12, like it was fine. But like to think of a...

A grown man doing it. It's like he's a sexy lady under a waterfall kind of move. That's not what he's thinking about. He just throws his hair back. He likes to be in a bathtub. He likes the feeling of water around him. He likes the feeling of water falling on his head. Yeah, it just feels nice. That's actually twice as much bathing and showering as Henry does. Yeah, exactly. Way more. Yeah, it's very clean.

Hey, everyone. Speaking of Henry, I'm Will Campos, nay Billy, and I play the fictional character. What is nay? Is that like you got? It's your original maiden name prior to marriage. Oh, I see. Sorry, Will. I thought you said official instead of fictional, and I really like the idea of you saying official. Yeah, I like that, too. I like that. I'm Will Campos. I am the official voice actor for Henry.

Nice. Come to your bases now. Oh, boy. Henry's a crunchy, munchy, Birkenstock, rockin', granola, nature druid dad. And he's from a magical fantasy realm originally. That's one of the things about him. That's not the fact today, though. Today, guys, I don't know if you know this, but the big game is coming up.

Everyone, by the time this episode has come out, has listened to the big game, they know that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the game. It's the perfect timing to tell you Henry's favorite joke of all time.

The joke he loves to make more than anything is when it's big game time, he'll go to a Super Bowl party because his brother-in-law, Ricky Garcia, always throws a big Super Bowl party. And Henry always comes and says, oh, yeah, I already saw the Super Bowl. It was a Western screech owl over by my house. Oh, I'm sorry. I meant that superb owl.

I saw earlier. And he laughs and laughs and laughs. Later on, I was having a real good time. He'll talk about how, you know, he saw the owl at Hooters because it like it hoots, you know, like an owl. I refuse to believe that Henry has a lot of sex. I just absolutely...

People act like it's so normal. Like, oh, I get it. Yeah. Him and Mercedes, they have orgies and stuff. Like there's no, I'm sorry. This is some, absolutely. There's no way. There's no way that, I mean, okay, let me just say this. If anybody else made the superb owl joke, I'd be like, that's a riot. I fucking love that. Superb owl. What a great turn of phrase.

To hear Henry say it, I'm like, no thanks. Like, get out of here with your fucking over-eager, superb owliness. Get out of here. Oh my gosh. My second fact is that Henry fucks a lot.

Damn, now it's canon. All right. It's canon. You guys are... Listen to Coming Tonight. It's canon, man. That's based on a real-life experience. He's, like, infuriatingly good at it. He's, like, incredible at it. Yeah. Like, his eyes gloss over as he enters into his actual realm. He goes into the Avatar state. When new people meet him for the first time, they're like, wait, really? This is the Henry you're talking about? We're having sex at his place? Like, just...

just trust me just ignore everything he's saying now just trust me hello my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler emotionally detached stepfather and rogue I'm actually the original Broadway cast of Ron Stampler laughing

Today's fact about Ron, and I won't go into detail because I have a feeling it will probably be coming up soon, but Ron believes that only children can go to prison. Ron does not believe that adults are in prison. What? Interesting. How is Ron under that impression exactly? You might find out. Does Ron not watch TV? I mean, TV's made up. TV's fictional. Gotcha.

Got you there. Holy shit. That was such a galaxy brain Uno trap reverse card play to fucking Matt's question I've ever heard in my life. That was amazing. That was incredible. Hello, folks. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll, smooth talking, hard rock and bard of the group. This week's Glenn fact...

The first time Glenn ever smoked a cigarette, it was to show Nick how cool it is. That was the first time Glenn ever smoked a cigarette? When he was already a dad? I love that. That's so...

Don't make the mistakes I did, son. Start smoking early. It's kind of sweet because he didn't. He wasn't addicted to cigarettes. He's like, well, I want to make sure my son's cool and cool people smoke cigarettes. I've never done it, but I should really do it to show him. Let me ask you this, dear listener.

Who's the better father? The one who's lying to their son about cigarettes being not cool? Or the one who's acknowledging the reality of the world and preparing his son for the world to understand that cigarettes are in fact seen by society that he's cool as fuck because if it wasn't, then there wouldn't be every movie featuring all the cool dudes smoking cigarettes. What I'm most excited about post-

And I'm excited to see what's been happening with Freddie and Anthony because Freddie feels unhinged. Now, what I love about Freddie is like Freddie's not only doubled down on Glenn being good, Freddie's like, I'm going to be Glenn and I'm good. Like, he's like, I'm cool as shit, too. I think cigarettes are rad. Fuck everybody who doesn't like Glenn. It's also like double jeopardy now. Glenn's already been convicted, so he can just keep adding horrible dad facts about Glenn. We can't try him again. Yeah.

Yeah, pile it on, you know what I'm saying? All right. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. My fact is, this isn't really a spoiler, but my sort of intent with putting Glenn into his own private side adventure that none of you could listen to is like, here's a chance for Glenn to really sort of self-analyze and maybe shift in some way or sort of become more than he was. You're kidding. And...

You now know it's not a spoiler given his recent dad fact that none of that is even a little bit happened. So I don't know. We'll see how this goes. All right, let's start. So when we last left you, you were attempting to sneak into the meth base super max. You beat up a bunch of guards, basically strong armed one of them into walking you into the prison. And then when it came to the gelatinous cube that absorbs your weapons, you tried to bluff your way through it. It did not work. All the guards were summoned and they basically beat the crap out of you.

They drag your limp bodies through the first floor of the super max. Would anyone like to like roll perception to see what you can sort of. Are we unconscious? Are we not knocked out, Anthony? I'm going to say instead of being unconscious, because that's just not interesting role playing wise. You're not knocking unconscious. You are knocked to the point of uselessness. They basically beat you up. They beat us silly. They beat you silly. We're badly concussed. We all have brain damage now. Please, please put me on my misery. I wish I was unconscious. Would you rather be unconscious or you just wake up in your cell? Yeah.

So what can we roll here? Insight? You can roll Perception. I will do this.

I'm going to get that natty one. Okay, back to sleep. Right back to sleep. I feel like Joe, his one is he thought he saw everything, but he was dreaming. Like he was not actually awake. He was fully in the dream state. In the dream, he was like Jason Bourne. Like there's three eggs. It's two guards. That guy's carrying, you know, like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But he's still asleep. He hasn't realized that he's dreaming yet. Daryl sees Joe open his eyes for a split second and then close. He's like, well, he didn't see anything. Let me take a look.

I got a one plus one. So I rolled a natty one also. You also got a dat one? I didn't see anything. Anthony Henry popped his eyes open and saw something because he got a 20. He got a 20.

Then I got a two. So, you know. Nice. Okay. Wow. So three people got like ones or twos. Yeah. So Anthony, the answer is we're unconscious. Yeah. So three of you are unconscious. Only Henry is awake enough to sort of get a good sense of what's going on. So Henry, you can see that as you're pulled in to the first floor of the meth-based super max,

There's a big open area to the left that the guards are dragging you toward. This is where the Panopticon is, this is what you heard about from Carrie the guard. And you see the large spire of the elevator that is in the center of the room. On the other side of the room, you can see a set of double doors, and one of the prisoners is pushing a big bin of what looks to be a bunch of bags of garbage and stuff like that. Ah, yes. Their face-off boots are conk-conk-conk on the ground as they're pushing it through the doors.

And then they come back out without the cart anymore. You also see some people mopping and sweeping up stuff. There's a lot of like muck on the ground that smells like it was edible at some point. Like it almost looks like you're immediately like, oh, is that poop? Because it's like a big pile of stuff. But there's a lot of big piles of stuff everywhere on the ground. And it's not poop, but people are pushing it into dustpans. Some people are coming by, sticking their finger into it and then licking their finger. It's like you're at an Arby's, am I right? Boom. Yeah.

Oh, no. That's basically everything that you can see as they drag you into the elevator. They take you up five flights and...

and they pick a seemingly random prison cell that happens to be empty to throw you into. So you can see to the left of your cell when you're facing the cell as a guard would, you see a very small humanoid, and it's got a long mane of like black hair, and it's just doing like pushups over and over again. And you can see just from where you're looking that it's pretty jacked. They throw you into your cell while everybody's unconscious. They slap the face off boots onto them that are...

I keep referring to these face-off boots, assuming everybody knows what those are. They're big metal boots that you immediately feel heavier upon having them on your legs. Henry's in still kind of a daze. He's like, don't touch my stocks. No, my stocks. My Berks. Basically, they go over your stocks. Okay. I was going to say they were going to have to roll a Constitution smell check if they were going to take Henry's Birkenstocks off. That was my secret escape plan. So yeah, they put these boots on you and then...

After all the boots are on all of you, one of the guards raises her wrist to her face hole and goes, testing the face off boots on cell B26. And you feel as your boots magnetize to the ground and you cannot move. And she goes by and like shakes each one of your bodies to see if you can move and you can't. And she goes, all right, it works. Finish the test. It's all good. Turn back off. And then...

and you can start moving around again. The guards leave the cell, they close the door, and all of you wake up. Guys, wake up! We're in a jail! Again! Does anyone see anything? Is everyone okay? Does anyone feel like they have a concussion? Daryl, how many fingers am I holding up? What? Uh, three. Okay, that's great. I'm holding up three fingers. These look like face-off boots. Ha ha!

You guys ever seen Face Off? Yeah, at the trial, they brought up Air Force One. They watch a lot of the same movies here as we do. Oh my goodness. And they seem really into them because like what actually happens. You brought up Air Force One. Not them. You are the one that brought up Air Force One. But in this world, they really seem to like integrate the movies into their... It's like the people in this world just kind of say yes and to the things that the humans say. Hey, Henry, I saw Three Fingers 2. Does that mean that I'm Daryl now? Because I...

Daryl answered three fingers or is it just that there were three fingers and I could have answered? Yeah, guys, Ron seems pretty normal. Uh,

So I managed to, you know, I'm pretty good at pretending to be asleep. You know, that's how I keep an eye on the kids sometimes, you know, because they're more likely to, you know. Wait, really? Well, yeah, you know, if I'm just up and about, you know, they get the shh dad's here face going on and then they'll hide whatever hijinks they're up to. But sometimes if I pretend to be asleep, I can catch them doing whatever, you know, crazy thing they were going to do. I'm no Joe DeFoster. That sounds like entrapment. I'm not to sat with Ron on this one.

Oh, Peyton's here? I've always been here, baby. Oh, Peyton, buddy. Wait, Nicholas is here too? Yeah, no, I'm here too. It's me, Nicholas. I'm also here. Oh my gosh, are you okay? They clubbed us so hard. I'm immediately checking on the health of Nicholas right now to make sure that he's not heavily injured. I fucking forgot that Nicholas was here.

Does Ron say that out loud? No. That's bad. Nicholas has a bump on his head, but his pride looks more hurt than anything. He's like, I feel like I could have taken them on if we just had a little bit of yell and surprise. If they hadn't tried to talk their way through and mess that up...

We don't have your gun anymore. We don't have your Glock 17. It's okay. It's okay. Look, as we've learned, you just can't trust them to do anything, really. So we just gotta roll with the punches, literally, in this case. Hey, are you two talking... The pronouns you're using, are you talking about us or are you talking about the guards? Who are you talking about? Are you saying... You. I'm talking about... Well, not you. Wait, what? I mean... I think Ron kind of... You know...

Ron kind of blew the cover this time around. I mean, I could have done a better job. I should have just let them take my weapon. So, you know, I'm going to take the responsibility for this one and put it on myself. You know, in the spirit of the big game, let's not play the blame game. Maybe I can propose a little joke. We'll all get laughing and we'll all be on the same page again. Hey, Nicholas, now that you're in jail, you're Nicholas Caged.

Get it? Like, there's a film actor, I believe, named Nicolas Cage, you know? Dad, do you know how to make a shiv? Son, we are not going to recreate any of the movies we watch at home. It's a good joke. I actually liked it. Good one, Henry. Hey, thanks. I'm going to just assume that that's being sincere because nobody laughed and it's weird when someone just says good joke. But, you know, we're on the same page here. We're on the same team. And he goes, I can teach you how to make a shiv, by the way. But anyway, no, keep going. Nope, nope, nope.

Peyton. Peyton just starts making a shiv already. He has one. He has like three. I pull Peyton aside. Peyton? Yeah, what's up, baby? Not teach Nicholas how to make a shiv or pretty much, you know what? I just don't want you talking to Nicholas that much in general. Just he's not a good influence on you. I thought for a moment that maybe this guy was doing a better job than Glenn, but like these last few seconds have made me question that. So just like. Hey, Daryl, it's a small cell. I can't hear anything you're saying.

So can I. Nicholas here. Yeah, well, okay, sorry. I'm just talking about the fact that your son just asked to make a shift because Henry here just made a nice joke. You know, maybe not a funny joke, but not one that's worth killing him over. I wasn't going to use it on Henry. We just might need to defend ourselves.

That's all. All right. How do we know if Glenn's here? Maybe we could just yell out like, hey, Glenn. Oh, that's a good idea. You know, that's actually a good idea. What if we all yell Glenn at the same time? That'll probably our voice will travel the most, right? So scream Glenn multiple times. Very loud. Okay. So Glenn, where you are, nothing changes and you don't hear anything. Okay.

It's like nothing happened. Business as usual. Well, maybe he's not saying anything because he doesn't know, you know, maybe he's been through a lot and he doesn't trust. You gotta identify yourself. Yeah, so, hey, Glenn, it's me, Ron, Sampler. I'm repeating everything Ron is saying, but I'm screaming it. So the cells have like solid stone walls separating one cell from another. The front is, you know, iron bars.

As you shout, it's me, Ron, you see a hand holding a small cracked mirror jut out from the adjacent cell and reflected in that as they try to look into your cell, you can see like one very muscular eye looking at you and the voice goes, is hi, I'm Juan and Dale.

I've heard about your music. Some of the fellas do acapella versions during lunch. It's a pleasure to meet you. Glenn, my God, buddy, what have they done to you?

Who's Gwen? I don't know. I've heard a lot about Hi, I'm Juan and the company you keep. Sounds like some pretty bad dudes, if I may say so. You might be the kind of bad dudes I could use for a little plan I've been coming up with. One second. Dad huddle real fast. Daryl does not go into dad huddle. He's like, oh, hey, everybody, I think we should do a dad huddle.

And then I kind of like signal. And I signal for Ron and Henry to kind of move towards me. Oh, no. Payne's like, let me detectically. Sorry. So, Nicholas, why don't you just hang out there? I'm going to go talk with the other daddies.

Sorry. Nick, you come in here too. I like everyone's opinion. Thank you. Yes, I want to be involved. I am involved. I'm a member of this team. And of the members of this team, I'm the one who's gotten us arrested the least. Yeah, I mean, look, I don't know who this person is. Wait, wait, I need to know, did Henry and Ron move towards me or do they move towards Jake? I like to think that Ron...

stood making no effort to huddle with anybody but between both of them assuming that the huddle was just extremely large just a room-sized huddle very nice henry is like a mirror image of ramba racked with anxiety and flop sweat about what to do and henry's like you know i i just okay okay let's all you know this is not a productive energy so maybe like

We can just have a neutral huddle that nobody called. It's just the dad huddle. And we can kind of hash this out. I just, you know, we got to break out of prison. We got to rescue our friend, Glenn. I just don't think we have time for this sort of intraparty politics, you know? Like I think the important thing is it's a dad huddle, right? So no Nick, right? We're all agreed on that.

Dad huddle plus just everyone in the cell. Let's just talk for a hot second. I don't know what's got everyone worked into such a tizzy over here. Look, I don't know who this person is. It looks like they might propose something more on the break more rules side. And I don't know, Nicholas got smacked on the head and I really don't want any more harm to come of us. I think we should just be a little wary going into this exchange.

You know, understand what's happening, set some good boundaries, and then go from there. How about that? You know, boundaries is one of my favorite words. I think it's a really good word to use a lot. So I could go with establishing some boundaries. So, you know, maybe like one of our boundaries is we say, you know, we are interested in hearing what you have to say, but we are not confirming that we're going to join whatever you want to do. If that's okay with you, we'd like to hear the rest of your plan. You know, please. Henry, you are sweating so much right now. Are you okay? Okay.

I'm really stressed out. It's been a while since I've been in a jail cell. I don't want to talk about it. Henry went to jail for fucking too good. He went to sex jail. Hey, Joe, with all due respect, I appreciate your advice. Thing is, I've been a dad a lot longer than you, buddy. So has everybody else. I mean, and then he looked at Nicholas. Nicholas is like, I'm the same age as Terry Jr. What are you talking about? We're the same age. Well, when you're a good...

boy dad uh you get more years added oh if you play video if uh let's share with this guy has nicholas rolls his eyes and nods and he turns to jody and he goes he's probably got like another kid somewhere that he doesn't like talk to you okay that would mean come on come on we talked about this this is what we call stinky behavior we can't get stinky we're in a stinky situation like

Everyone's going to smell it, and we don't want to be like that. So let's just talk about that after. Keep it lean, mean, and clean. There we go. Nice. Daryl puts his arm through the cell and goes...

Hey, buddy, Daryl Wilson, just a companion of a high. I'm Ron. Just a psychic. Just, you know, not the full deal. But hey, nice to meet you. Are you trying to reach out for a handshake? Yeah. So he goes, but he can't quite reach it. He goes, well, it's almost lunchtime. I'll shake your hand then. As long as the gods aren't looking when he can't reach is like you may not get a handshake, but I got this for you. And then I turn my handshake into a thumbs up. Yeah. See my thumbs up. Yeah.

And he goes, I would do the same if I was not holding this meal. But thank you. I appreciate it. Speaking of lunchtime, is there anything you can tell us at least about the schedule around here? We get meals every day? Yes, we get breakfast, lunch and dinner. Breakfast, you miss by about a couple hours. We do breakfast, then we do cleanup. Then we do lunch followed by exercise while some people do cleanup. And then it's dinner and then straight to lights out.

That sounds really well balanced and kind of it sounds like a nice place. Actually, you get all your sort of needs met and everything. So I'm looking forward to our time here. Thank you. Perhaps maybe when you show us the strategy, we could make an interesting business plan out of it. OK, anyways, I'm pretty hungry. So simultaneously, every guard in the Panopticon with an identical voice goes, lunchtime!

And all the doors open up. Daryl runs. I'm not bad at joking. Drive. Escape. Please, no. The doors open up, but you can see everybody across the way from you, all the other cellmates. They trudge out to the area in front of their cells by the railing. Because remember, you're on the fifth floor, so you can basically see down four floors and up five more floors. And they go to the railing, and then they just look up and they open their mouths. Oh, my God.

God. I think... What's, uh... I hold that sludge. I hold Peyton back and I say, let's just stay in the cell, buddy. Is this like a vegan meal? What's... What goes into this that's coming out that I'm getting myself into here by opening my mouth? Like, what's gonna happen? It's all the nutrition that we need to stay alive. It doesn't taste great. Like, I remember when I was supposed to, I did not want to, uh...

avail myself of it. Certainly. I lived on Soylent for a couple of months. I can probably handle it. Henry sticks his mouth out and closes his eyes. So if anybody cared to open their eyes, they would see the very top of this panopticon. It's like a big old chimney. Essentially, there's an open top. You can see a shadow far off in the distance and high above you. And the shadow gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And eventually you see it is a very, very large bird.

And the bird swoops down into the panopticon and starts flying in circles around and its neck begins to contract and then extend and then contract and then extend and it opens its beak and it just starts to feed chunks of something. Oh.

all around the prison. It descends as it does so, so it can hit every single level individually, just like going around in a circle. Is this like Super Mario Sunshine where you're spraying the water back? It's actually exactly like that. That is the perfect visual metaphor. It stops flapping its wings and goes down and blah,

And a corkscrew going down and hits every level. And then it starts flapping back up as it flaps back up. And then it leaves the chimney and flies away. Hey, you know, that's got some zip to it. You know, it's not great. I've had better, but it's natural. It's from a bird. Like, that's good. So, you know, I could get used to this. Do we see any other inmates? Oh, yeah. You see tons of other inmates of every shape and size. It's like the Mos Eisley Cantina. All kinds of species. Varying levels of hardness. Nobody here looks like

as crazy dangerous as you might expect from a place called the supermax like you get the sense that this is for people like you that have done like relatively normie ass offenses the cellmate next to you goes i could take that head shake way by now and he puts his hand out for you daryl i put my hand out and i shake it hey how come uh how come you're in here and you're a grown-up

Well, I was younger when I came in. Oh, okay. That makes sense. My dad said that actually adults can't go to prison. So I was wondering, what's the cutoff? You know, when do you come in as a kid and then when do they let you go?

Ron, we're in prison. They put us in prison. Yeah, Ron, that's actually one of the really messed up things about societies. They can put pretty much anyone in jail for as long or as short as they want to. But mostly kids, right? I mean, there are. And sadly, like, that is a thing that happens and it's not great. But anyone can get put in jail, whether they deserve it or not, honestly. Like, so it sounds like maybe your dad wasn't being entirely honest with you.

Yeah, I feel like Ron, over time, it's become clear that most things Willie said to you aren't true, especially things that involve the possibility of maybe him going to and probably should have gone to prison is what I'm guessing that conversation was about. So, yeah, I'm sorry.

I'd go to prison. And then he started talking about what prison would be like. And I was like, whoa. Oh, wow. But, you know, I almost did a hard time. And so to see a lot of adults here, it means I could have done a lot harder time. And so I'm glad my dad let me off the hook with that. No, no, Ron, your dad's a piece of shit. No, no, your dad did not do anything nice to you. Your dad was mean and he lied to you. Okay.

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I step out to the rail and go, hey, everybody, Daryl Wilson here. We're new. This is I'm Daryl. This is Ron. This is Joe. And this is Henry. Don't worry about the two children. You don't even know their names. Not that I don't trust you all. You all seem like wonderful people. Any of you know Glenn? We're looking for a man named Glenn. Roll persuasion. Oh, my God.

That's a seven minus one, six. So everyone looks up at you and they like scowl and then they go back to eating. They just ignore you. But the person next to you, your cellmate goes, when would Gwen have gotten healed? Like a day ago? Guys, how long has it been? A few days ago, yeah. I'm losing my mind. This is pretty recent. No, I don't think he's come into, this is what we call general pop.

I don't think he's shown up at General Pop. I probably would have seen him. Not a lot to do other than monitor the comings and goings. General Pop, that's like Taylor Swift, you know, Carly Rae Jepsen, right? Like, you know, the stuff you'd listen to on like an easy listening station. He's not like a murderer. He was convicted for being a bad dad. So as you say that, he gasps and his eyes get huge.

And he goes, oh, no, that means he's in the maximum security world. And also, as you said that, Nicholas goes, Glenn's not a dad. Why would he get convicted of being a bad dad? We already explained he's got kids on the side. You know, he's got a weird lifestyle. Yeah, that's why he's a bad dad. He's got a bunch of kids around him. You know what? That makes sense. That tracks. Wait, is that level one? Oh, no, no, no. That's beneath level one. So the way it goes, it's level one is, you know, you came in, you saw it's the trash. As he's saying this, they say, all right, time for

Time for exercise. And then everybody starts marching around in a circle and taking the stairs up or down, depending on what level they're on. So basically, everybody just marches. He goes, just walk with me. Walk and talk with me. Oh, here we go. Come on, guys. Don't draw too much attention. But yeah, this actually comes into my stratagem, my plan. On the bottom floor, the very, very, very bottom floor, that's the maximum security wing. And then above that, there's like a locked door on the level negative one. There's something important behind it. I've heard it from some of the guards that I paid off.

I think it might have something to do with what makes our face-off boots fleas. And then on level zero or one, if you want to say like first floor, there's the trash chute going outside with the furnaces and the burners and stuff like that. And then everything above that is where we are in the Panopticon. So my plan is to escape.

What a coincidence. Yeah, that's kind of what we like to do. Yeah, that's what we want to do. No, no, no, hold on, hold on, hold on. We're not trying to escape. We're trying to find Glenn. We didn't escape. We just got to step along the way. It's like in GPS, you're still like, I'm going to Target just because I'm stopping at an ice cream shop on the way doesn't mean I'm not going to Target. Glenn is just the ice cream shop on the way. That says so much about Daryl's lifestyle.

Daryl thinks he deserves a treat before he gets to the target. I thought there was something wrong that went with his case and we could just get out of here without having to escape. I mean, you heard about the other guy. He was all burnt up. We can't risk that. We're not going to do it like that guy did. What did that guy do? Oh, he stuck himself out with the trash and then tried to put as much like non-flammable stuff on him and then survived the burning as he went out with the trash like

I guess it didn't work if you're saying that he didn't make it. Doesn't sound like he made it. Yeah, we already died. I mean, Joe, I don't think we're going to be able to talk. I mean, we've been arrested. The crime that we committed, according to them, we did commit, which was trying to sneak weapons into here. So like... You know, Joe, I read a really great book once called Creativity Inc. It's about the creative process at Pixar. They're the studio that did Zootopia. And in the book...

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Fuck. That's the for-sales baby shoes never worn of Henry characterization.

In the book, they talk about how the way they made Zootopia so good was they'd bring up an idea and then when you gave a note to that idea, you also had to pitch a new idea. So I guess I would say if our idea, if our Zootopia is to escape with Glenn, and you're not feeling great about that, I respect that, but if you had to pitch a new thought on what to do, what would that be? That sounds like a pretty toxic creative strategy, actually. Yeah.

You know, it's just like, yeah, sure, I'll give you a dumbass suggestion on your idea, but what I really want to talk about is my idea. If I was in business with a business partner like that, I wouldn't do business with a business partner like that anymore. So that's a great example. Ron criticized the original idea of the creative process, but then he plus-wanted by saying he wouldn't work at that company anymore, which I guess is his solution. I would just love to talk to the warden or someone. I just...

Guys, we brought our kids in here. Well, Joe, go ahead and try to talk to the warden. I mean, we got to do things as a team here, and I really do loathe the idea of leaving you all behind. So what you're saying is you have an idea that you want to do, but you don't want to do unless we all want to do it, but you don't want to do any idea that we all want to do because you have an idea you want to do. That's not what you compromise. That's not what you cooperate, Joe. What are we doing, too?

I feel like we're not having much of a democratic process here. It just seems like we're both having this stinky behavior back and forth between us, Daryl. We can vote about what we want to do. We could also do both things, you know? Oh, we got to keep up. The exercise line is moving, guys, and Henry gets into a brisk walk. Got to get my steps in. Oh, yeah, we shouldn't have stopped while we were talking, and I started walking too now.

God, this is great, isn't it? It's kind of like the West Wing. Listen, so what I'm thinking is, why don't we do both? I can't hear you because all I hear is clonk, clonk, clonk, clonk. Oh, that's why we stopped moving. Yeah, we should stop moving so we can talk because it's very hard to talk over these. Oh, that's right. I'm exhausted. Oh, my God. This really is exercise. Don't read into this the wrong way because you just asked us if we want to escape prison with you, but could we talk to the warden? Do you know how we could do that? Uh...

It's going to be very difficult for me not to weed into that pretty significantly. It's just our friend here used to be a cop. Okay, you know what? Never mind. Never mind. Bye. You'll never learn what my name was on my plan.

And he walks away. Do you want to hear a song from? Yes. Hi Ron, buddy. So he's, as he begins to walk away, you say that, and then he turns on one heel and then makes another drop to 180. He goes, I could do with a little sewing aid. Come on, Ron. Well, see, the thing is that I, I was high. I'm Ron for a few episodes very early on. And then I kind of forgot that that was a thing about me. And, uh,

But anyway, here's Wonderwall. And Ron sings Wonderwall. You're not getting out of it that easily. Damn it.

Good call, Ron. I'll back you up. And then Henry starts humming the part from that Woohoo song by Blur, which he thinks is Wonderwall. Oh my God. Should I roll for something? Yeah, roll performance. Well, I got 13. Yeah, if you can do the first line of Wonderwall at a 13 level quality. I gotta back up. Jimmy, you've never heard my creepy talent before, have you? Yeah, Ron, take it away. No dang, it's gonna be the day that they're gonna give him the... So...

So the little creature, so this little creature's eyes get extremely big and just filled with like amorous glee. It's exactly as beautiful as I was told. Oh my goodness. If nothing else, you and I should get out of here. I should get you out of here. Actually, that sounds pretty, no, I...

Yeah, we all need to get out, including our friend Glenn. And then Ron kind of looks over to Daryl and Henry and does like a thumbs up like, did I say that right? Did I say that right? Did Ron not look at me? No. Sad. Yeah, buddy, what's your name, by the way? Ron. Oh, I know your name's Ron. My name is Swai Silvestro. Wait, wait.

Sly Sylvester? But keep it on the sly. Oh, yeah. Again, the reason we were asking to see the warden is we actually heard that the warden was a big fan of High Amran. So we just thought maybe we could sweeten the deal and maybe try to get our maybe that could be part of the escape plan is maybe just go see the warden. Just see what's up. See if we can get some intel. Maybe they'll be kind to High Amran over here.

So I guess roll deception because that's not true. If this is not Ron's fulsome prism Johnny Cash moment, then I quit this podcast. God damn it, I got five. Oh my God, all these garbage rolls. I don't know why you're lying to me. I'm on your side. Okay, I'll give it to you straight because that guy wants to talk to the warden and none of us like his plan or at least I don't like his plan, but I'm trying to be cooperative. I think this is like one of those situations where we all work at Pixar in the zoo together

We bought a zoo at Pixar. Right, right. So we're all in the zoo. I can't kick these people out of the zoo even if they drive me crazy. So we have to make other people in the zoo happy even if we don't

respect them or... That sounds rough. It is rough. So it's like, you know, we have to make all of these tiny little zoo dreams come true. But sure, if it ends up that we can go talk to the warden or pretend like we are for the sake of Joe, who does not own a zoo at all, if you know what I mean. It's not a real...

I like this episode. We're all like, we all hate Joe. I'm getting a very clear understanding of the dynamic here. If you want to see the warden, the warden often will visit with people who are like particularly problematic prisoners. Not like problematic, problematic. Don't go on that. Don't look at me, Henry. I saw Henry look at me. Ha ha ha!

Daryl, it's time for your moment to shine. If you do something that requires you to get a stone talking to, then yeah, you might see the warden. I mean, I guess you could try to convince the gods. I've never tried that because I don't see much of a point. It does feel like we'd rather, especially Joe, for your idea, it feels like we'd rather see the warden on good terms, not because we were causing a problem. True. What do you see people now? Bear with me. I feel like this doesn't get a lot of attention.

It just feels like you'd want to see us if we knew we had a castle. I know I keep saying that. It's just like we have a castle. And I look up like, like, I feel like most of these prisoners don't have a castle. That's gotta mean something, right? Like maybe he wants to know. No, no, no. You don't understand. Absolutely. Absolutely. I have a 401k. Yep. He's the spirit of Glenn would like to step in here and remind the party gently that if you have compromising photos of one of the guards, uh,

And if, as stated in the previous episode, one of those guards is in fact all the same guard because they are in fact descended from the same organism, then technically you have compromising photos of all of the guards. But they're not a cloud consciousness. So if I went up to you and I said, hey, I have compromising photos of your exact twin brother, Will Campos, who looks everything exactly like you. You're telling me that that would hold no sway? Yeah.

If I got Billy Campos pics. I thought I killed him. Billy Campos. Do we have the photos? Let's say that the gelatinous cube just took away your weapons and they assumed that was going to be everything that was dangerous. Weapons or metallic objects or whatever the heck. So anything that seems useless like a photo or whatever, they probably kept it on you. Okay, Daryl puts on a very indignant air and he goes, guards, guards.

Guards, I need to see a guard. Okay, so one of the guards stomps over to you looking as irritated as a gelatinous substance inside of a suit of armor can look. Goes, what is it? Nice to meet you, Daryl Wilson. I hold my hand out. She slaps it away. Keep walking. Yeah, okay. Well, one of the owner of Book's Castle, you may have heard of it. We're rather wealthy. I understand that isn't a problem.

It would behoove you to let us talk to the warden. I think we can make an arrangement with him or talk to him. We are very, very wealthy and we do own a castle. I don't know if you know what a castle is like, but it's very big and very expensive. I've seen a castle. Thank you. So go ahead and roll persuasion. Does anybody want to help me with that persuasion? Not going to pull up the photos, huh? Well, I'm going to check this first. If we can do that without them freaking. Okay.

I will help Daryl persuade this person. If you succeed at your check, Will, then Daryl will get advantage for his role. And if you fail, he will get disadvantage. Okay. So I say, yes, Mr. Wilson is indeed the owner of Books Castle. We're thinking of franchising to prison libraries and starting a whole chain. And it's something we'd love to talk to your warden about.

We actually let ourselves get arrested so that we could do an inspection of the premises. And I have to say, this is one of the best darn prisons we've ever been to. So yeah, as I say that, I give the guard a jolly tap on the armor so that I can cast charm person. Oh, great. So yes, it's a wisdom saving throw of 17.

Natural 20. Damn. Sorry. So the guard goes, you start walking too. I have no interest in it. I've talked to a lot of people over a lot of years trying to find their way out of here, thinking they could jab a jaw, meet their way to freedom, but no, I don't think so. Keep moving, and she shoves you in the back. Well, if talking won't work, how about this? I

And then Ron holds up the drawing, the thing. Okay. I'm going to step up with the drawing and I'm going to get right in the guard's face and go, look here, buddy. We have some pictures that make it look like you can't do your job very well. We just want to talk to your warden and we'd love for you to just take a good look at this and just give us what we need here, please. All right. Roll intimidation. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Natural 20. Holy shit. 26. Carol steps back, intimidated also. As you show this picture to the guard, you could hear a rattling and then you realize the guard is shaking in its armor and it like puts that gauntlet to its helm and just like holds its head there and goes, cut, cut,

Come with me. So Peyton goes, hey, the warden sounds like kind of like bad news. So I think I'm just going to keep walking around here. Just get my steps in, get my reps in. Yeah, keep guard on the guards, Peyton. You just keep track. I'll guard the guards, maybe. Nicholas, watch over Peyton, all right? Yeah, no problem. I saw him trying to build a shiv out of his shirt tag. I don't think that's a thing, but I'm going to make sure that he doesn't. You were led back downstairs to level one of the prison. And then you descend a flight of stairs.

you can see that when you get off of this flight of stairs, there's another flight of stairs leading further downward, leading down to floor negative two that's got a door separating you from it. And then on this floor, you can see that there is a set of very large, very sturdy double doors to your left that are closed with signs that say do not enter all over it.

And the guard walks you past that door toward a smaller door with a little window cut into it. And you can see light from within. He opens that door inside. You can see an elf wearing suspenders, typing hurriedly into a small magical typewriter. And then she moves away and does something else. And the typewriter keeps typing. And she's just,

up to her eyeballs and paperwork and is just sighing and just like rubbing her head and kind of overwhelmed looking. The guard steps inside, goes, uh, what? I should look up a name. Give me a second. Didn't expect we were going to meet the warden. Sorry.

Elizabeth Warden. Oh, boy. Shit. Holy shit. Okay, okay. Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, that's good. So the guard goes, Warden, Warden, there's some people here to see you. And Elizabeth Warden looks up and goes, why are people here to see me? I told you I'm very busy trying to come up with a plan to make this a more affordable prison.

And I don't think it's appropriate that you should be interrupting me. Hey, how you doing? She points at one of you in the back. She's like, hey, over there. Hey. Points to another one of you in the back. Hey, how you doing?

This is your warden? Yeah, she's real nice. Not what I would expect at all. She ran for mayor of the town, but it didn't work. It was a real shame. Real shame. Hey, guys, just a vibe I get. I feel like this warden, like the idea of being rich isn't going to really help actually make us less.

Oh my gosh. So maybe let's play... She was just saying she wanted to cut down costs. Maybe we can use some of our money to help her. Oh yeah, maybe we can talk about donating. No, but play up the library angle. That feels like that would be... Oh, library, yeah. She looks like a book nerd. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Public education. So Henry says, wow, Miss Warden, it's so nice to...

meet you in your prison. I know you're super busy. We happen to be library enthusiasts that got ourselves arrested. I think that's what we said. To meet you so that we could pitch you the idea of adding a custom library to this prison of yours. Very cost efficient. The prisoners can learn all sorts of new skills from the books that they can, you know, be better, more model, you know, better prisoners. We have Books Castle. We didn't like get it. We inherited it. And we should have totally been taxed on that inheritance. Believe me, we totally agree with you. But I'm just saying we have a lot of books that we'd love to

You know, yeah, that's why we're here. As you say, we should have been taxed on. She goes, oh, you haven't been taxed for a castle. I'll just take that tax right now. What do you have on you? So how much gold does the group have? Oh, shit. Hold on, let me pull it up. You should take the books because it's a books castle. And so the tax should come out of the books, as I think. And we always say books are more valuable than money. There's so much. Yeah.

We see a future where prisoners read and learn from books and they become model citizens. So what we'd like to propose to you is that we take one of your worst prisoners off your hands and then we can, you know, put them into our book internship learning program at Books Castle and we can show the world that there's a more efficient way to run a prison. Because look at it this way. If people are learning, they're not burning stuff. If they're reading, they're not bleeding each other with their shivs. If they're

using knowledge, they're not going to, you know, need to go do other jail stuff. Um, college. Oh,

It was right there. They don't need to go to college. It was right there. Because college is too expensive. 4,015 gold. 4,000. So Elizabeth Warden asks one of the guards to bring her the money that they took from you in the gelatinous cube, let's say. And she goes, wow, 4,015 gold. Let me see. That is a nice little nest egg y'all have collected there. I'm very impressed. So little Liz Warren's just going to go ahead and take about 75% of that.

I knew it. Oh my God, of course. I knew we should have put all of our money in the stock market. Okay, so thank you so much for paying your taxes. First of all, you could go ahead and take that remaining 25%. Henry is suddenly a hardcore Republican.

Damn liberals taking all my money. So we have 1,003.75 gold left. Evil dads, dragons, freaking criminals. So many people have taken out my bed. At the end of the day, the person that took the most money from us was a goddamn socialist. So, Ed, the best way to open books is to get Glenn Close.

What the fuck are you talking about? I've not been paying a tremendous amount of attention. What the fuck are you doing in my office? What I was saying was that we want to maybe pilot our book reform program with a really tough prisoner. And, you know, we heard you've got this guy, Glenn Close, in your prison. We heard about his trial. It seems like he's a real bad dude. And we were thinking we could just take him off your hands. Why don't you let us take care of him? Why don't you roll deception? Come on, big bones.

I got a 12. Would anyone like to assist Henry? I'll assist. Let's see. What could I possibly say? Maybe you heard I say friend, but really that's because he's so scary. You know how sometimes you want to make powerful people feel important by calling them a friend or something. But the real way to knock him down a peg is to make him read a hard book.

And so if he's not allowed to spark notes, Huck Finn or something like that, it really might bring back the humanity in him. Okay, so why don't you roll deception as well? I got a six. Oh, no. Really sucking the rolls today. These are awful. So she clasped her hands together and she goes, you mentioned Huck Finn. I have a book that I think your friend Glenn could read, which is called Fuck Him. You're not getting down there.

It's not happening. As she says that, you also hear an unfortunately very familiar voice behind you, and you can feel the waft of air from a fedora's brim just vibrating in space. Oh, no. And you turn around and you see Well actually leaning up against the doorframe trying to look casual and failing. He goes, well, actually, when you killed the library, ownership of his castle kind of immediately transfers to his closest relative, a.k.a.

And he hooks a thumb at himself and he goes, so really kind of my castle. Yeah, go ahead. But he has not helped us at all. So go ahead and enjoy the castle. Nobody seems to give a shit about the castle. Why are you even here? Could you help us? What are you doing here? How did you get here? How did you break in? What are you doing here? He's gone. Oh, no. Just like that. He's gone. So can we get our taxes back? That wasn't our castle. That wasn't our castle. Yeah. That's a real shame there.

We're going to file it under charitable giving. There should be some sort of financial protection bureau that keeps us from getting scammed with these kind of onerous fees. It just seems like that should be a thing that exists. That's a good idea. That's my idea now. That's a great idea. I want to write that one down. Can we just talk for a second amongst ourselves? This is your last chance. My patience running thin.

You don't want Lizzie in a tizzy. So, Joe, hey, this was your idea. Shoot your shot, Joe. You got one more dialogue check against Elizabeth Wardan. I have no idea. Okay, so I am going to turn around and look at Liz Wardan in the eyes.

I need to ask you a couple of questions. I'm channeling my cop experience and I'm going to cast a spell called Zone of Truth. It's a second level enchantment. So it creates a magical zone that guards against deception in the 15 foot radius sphere centered on the point of our choice within range.

Anyone that starts its turn there or enters that has to do a charisma saving throw. If they fail, they can't speak a deliberate lie while within the radius. Okay. And I also don't know whether the creature succeeds or fails on its saving throw. If you're affected by it, Anthony, then you are aware of the spell and you can avoid answering questions to which you would normally respond with a lie. So you can be evasive in its answers as long as it remains within the boundaries of the truth.

Okay. Does that make sense? So you cast this so everybody's in the zone, presumably, unless you centered it just around Elizabeth Warden. Yeah, I think we're all going to be in it. Okay, so everybody roll a charisma saving throw. Holy shit. And then don't tell me what the answer is. Yeah, so it's charisma 14. So Elizabeth, I need to know, why do you not like...

Our associate Glenn Close. First of all, a good move on the zone of truth. You can't really trust your elected officials unless you can really trust what they're saying. So frankly, I welcome the zone of truth. I've made mistakes in the past. I've said certain things that ended up being not necessarily accurate about my background and I've owned up to those things. So I'm happy to tell you that.

That Glenn Close is in our prison because he was a bad friend. And there's only one place you go when you're a bad friend, and that's to the doo-doo room. The bad boy room. The doo-doo room. There's no doo-doo in it. It's just something I call it because that's what I use to my kids. You use it? I don't put my kids in prison. Sorry, no. I say, when I tell my kids to go in the corner, I call it the doo-doo corner. I knew that kids went to prison. I knew it. What?

What is the doo-doo room? The doo-doo room is our maximum security cell. It only holds one person at a time. It's in this building. It is protected by a whole litany of magical fields, and it is for life sentences. We tend to swap them out pretty quickly, have one in and another, but yeah, it's where we put the most dangerous. What do you mean? Why are you swapping them out? How do you swap them out if it's a life sentence? Well, one person goes in, they die of old age, we take them out. Oh, no.

How long has Glenn been in there? Is he still in the doo-doo zone? How long has Glenn been in the doo-doo zone? It should be a couple days. It's only been a couple days. So Glenn Close arrived a few days ago, and it's roughly like, every day is kind of like a...

Oh boy, a couple of years. What? Six, maybe more years. Probably something like that. That's what it felt like to us, to you and me here in non-poo-poo space. It's only been a couple of days, but yeah. The second she says that Glenn has been in prison for over eight years, Henry just imagines his friend being stuck in a solitary cell for that long, for being a shitty friend and-

He can barely speak. He's so angry. Like, so Henry is just all of a sudden the chipper smile vanishes from his face and he is deadly quiet and trying not to turn into a bear at the slightest provocation right now. Daryl, very much like Henry is about to lose his mind. But for once he's pretty certain because there's magical shit that if the stuff goes down now, they might just all go down. So he just does not want to waste time and just wants to get back to sell and find a way to heist. Miss Warden. Now that,

Glenn has been down there for so long. How do you get him out? How can we get him out if we need to right now, immediately, before any more time passes? Well, I don't have to tell you that. It sounds like you're trying to break him out. It sounds like you're trying a little jailbreak. Frankly, I admire the gumption. But no, I'm not going to go ahead and tell you how to get somebody out of there. But generally, I can tell you the way that we get him out is...

We wait until their body decays to dust, as all things do, and then we take their corpse right out back through the door that we put them in there with. I do not appreciate anything you've said. I am not a fan of you whatsoever. I cannot tell a lie right now. We are going to go back to our cell, and that is the truth, and there's nothing else I can say. Thank you very much. Guys, I think we should get out of here immediately. Before you go, can I get a handshake from one of y'all? No, you can go fuck yourself. We're leaving. Okay. Hey, guards, come in here real quick. Just grab one of their hands at random. Just put it on my desk real quick.

And so two guards come in. So I'm going to roll D4. One is Daryl. Two is Ron. Three is Henry. And four is Jody. So Henry gives Daryl like a glance, like this could be a fucking rowdy sitch. Like, are you ready to throw it out? Once she asks for the hands, Daryl's getting ready to get rowdy. So the two guards come in and the warden goes, eeny, meeny, miny, that one and points at Ron. And.

And the two guards grab Ron's left hand and then slam it down on the table. Wait, hold on. What are you doing? The warden goes, oh, I'm going to show you the price of A, trying to escape and B, wasting my time. So you're getting off a little easy on this one. Usually I take one hand for each, but today you're getting a two for one deal because you paid your taxes and that should be well rewarded.

Time slows down and Daryl like glances at Henry and Ron. Not Joe. Glances at Henry, Ron. And is getting ready to try to grab something. Is there anything on the desk? Yeah, there is a paperweight. There's a mug. Paperweight. That says Best Warden. Grabbing a paperweight. What does the paperweight look like? What's it a paperweight of? The paperweight is, it's just a big rock. It's just a big ugly rock. And it just says, I fucking suck on it. That's what it says. What? You know what? It says, world's worst mom from...

from her kid. It says Lizzie Worden took an axe, gave her inmates 20 wax. It's a real... Listen, guys, to all my fans out there listening. Oh, Lizzie Worden, nice. Yeah, I got it. Yeah, all you guys listening to Dungeons & Daddies right now that get that Lizzie Worden reference, just want to say I see you, I appreciate you, and hitting me up on Twitter being like, cannot believe they did not laugh at that Lizzie Worden joke, and I understand. Yeah.

I understand. I feel the same way. If you gave me the power, I'm making this a bad mom. Not only does the rock say that, but she's so twisted that she's like, oh, you gave me a shitty rock. I'm keeping it on my desk because I don't respect the child. She sucks. She's a shitty ass mom. I hate her. She sucks. And I'm about to pick it up and kind of glance at Henry and Ron, like trying to signal, like, should I get rowdy right now? Henry gives Daryl the official dad sign of like, if you're ready to start some shit, I'll back you up, which is the reverse up nod.

The sup? The sup. As Henry is supping to Daryl, he's also going to try to tap Ron on the back and cast stone skin to turn Ron's skin as hard as stone. Oh, cool. So he's going to simp for Daryl and get Ron rock hard. Yeah, okay, okay. Love it. All right, so she opens up her desk and you see her pull out a hatchet. Now, Ron, why don't you roll sleight of hand?

Yes. 19 plus three 22. Holy shit. In that desk. Cause I'm the DM now in that desk. When you open it, you can quickly see a lot of letters from her kids and they're all like, I hate you, mom. I hate you. I know you keep these in your desk. That's why we're never coming back. We love dad. We hate you. You're the worst mom. I I'm mad that you're a prison warrior. It still feels like Elizabeth Warren is a real person. Yeah. She raises the hatchet. And as she sees you looking at those letters, I

As she sees you looking at those letters in her desk, she goes, those are all written ironically on backwards day. My kids love me. And she brings the hatchet down and you pull your hand out at the proper time and it slams. It just hits the wood on the desk. Now I do feel that, but I take the rock and I smash it down on Elizabeth Warden's arm. Roll your attack.

This is your surprise round. Oh, boy. You know, this is horrible that I just like I feel bad about hitting her in the face with the rock. No, this is what you get for making a fun pun title with a real person. Now you feel awkward about and it stops you from doing what you need to do.

Oh, it's all fun and games when David Boreanaz is drunk and having a good time. But when you got a fucking throw down, now you feel awkward. No, this is D&D. All bets are off. Jesus Christ, I got a one? What the fuck? Okay, well, the one, it doesn't matter what your bonus is. So you swing down with the rock.

that says you're a shitty mother or whatever the hell it says. As you swing down with all this force, Elizabeth Warden effortlessly just grabs your wrist and she lists it. She goes, oh, you were going to try to beat me and help your friend escape? Well, I have a plan for that. And she fucking wrenches your wrist and the rock comes out of it. And then I use my second attack and then as a bonus, I evoke rage. And with a 17, I headbutter. Oh.

Holy shit. Okay, so...

Let me really quickly search D&D Beyond for an enemy stat block that seems to match Elizabeth Warren's kind of vibe. I literally voted for her. I was so proud. It was like one of the first Democratic primaries I voted in. Elizabeth Warren, this hurts me. I feel like this is a psychological game from Anthony to make us not get into combat or something. I didn't come up with this name! Oh, that's right. That was Will. What's wild is that she's like an elk, too. Like, I can't imagine her having horns and stuff like that. Oh, she's an elf with

With an elf. Joey, wait. Did you just say this was an elf? You know what? No, fuck it. It's an elf. I thought she was an elf. By the way, Anthony said an elf with suspenders. So you heard an elk with suspenders. An elk with suspenders, yeah. Very good. I thought that she was an elk. Yeah, I guess I didn't think about. Nope, she's just an elk. She's just the entire time she's been a completely four legs elk. Who?

who is has worked very hard to get where she is right now grab daryl's wrist with her hoof yeah wow let me see if 17 is gonna beat attackers win ties on attack rolls and now that i've said that you know what her ac is so you successfully headbutt this fucking elk which is actually way cooler now that we know that she's an elk yeah i feel less bad and her head reels back and uh

The knights speak into their wrists. As all this is happening, you hear an alarm start blaring throughout the prison. And with that, we will transition back to Glenn in his private fast time cell.

So when we last left you in what we now know as the doo-doo room, you had cast, what was it, banishment? Banishment, which I still, I gotta say, I gave myself a good week to kind of mull it over. I can't come up with a good real-world explanation for it, so I'm gonna say this is what happened. What happened was the reason why Glenn can magically do banishment is that Glenn invested a lot of his time in crystal-based energies as a young man. And of course, crystals don't work in atoms.

our world but he was saving up karmic crystal energy that he didn't even know was in the bank and so when he cast all those j-o crystals finally paid off

So when he cast banishment, he actually cast a spell without realizing it. It'll happen once. It won't ever happen again because he spent all his built up karma. It's okay if you cast spells in this game of Dungeons and Dragons. That's allowed. No, no, no. Glenn is not a magic man. He's just good at guitar, likes Christmas music, and built up a lot of spiritual energy that he spent in this world just now. Okay. When we last left you, you had cast banishment on a guard who had...

basically the magical doorknob needed to get out of this room. So you are once again inside of a locked room with seemingly no way of getting out. And the guard called for help, right? Yes, she did. She spoke into her fantasy equivalent of a wrist mic and basically was like, oh shit, something's happening. You hear a clamor on the other side of the door. I like to perception check or investigate to try and figure out how many sets of footsteps and clamors do I hear on the other side? Yeah, roll perception.

That would be 18 plus 4, 22. Oh, wow. So you know that it is exactly four sets of footsteps. Fuck. You hear them get close and then you hear the footsteps stop because that's what people tend to do when they reach a door. Before they can like get the door open, I'm back up in the little alcove again, hoping to maybe do this move again. Okay, great. And you see a glowing circle appear in the center of the door and the circle begins to rotate and shimmer.

And you hear this like grinding. And after a moment, the circle pops out on your side of the door, like boop, like somebody like magically drilled it through.

I'm thinking like those old cartoons where they, like Tom and Jerry, when they break into a glass-like thing and they do that perfect circle etching of glass. Except when he hits it, the whole door falls down and the circle stays in place. That gag gets me every time, by the way. It's like when Garfield is like going up to a cake and then he cuts out a single slice of cake and you're like, oh, Garfield's watching his figure. And then he takes all the cake except for that slice. Oh, but he's actually getting the whole thing.

cake. What is the name of that joke? Because it's one of my favorite jokes. The inverse cake slice? I don't know. The small portion of the thing is not the thing that you expected to get moved, gets moved. Oh, I love that. It's fucking quality. How big is the circle that just popped out? It is basically a cylinder as long as your forearm and about as thick as, well, not your forearm because you're an extremely buff boy, but as thick as a normal human being's forearm. So it's like a big, tall can of Monster Energy drink that came out. I couldn't have put it better myself. Yeah.

You hear some more speaking. They go, get it, get the sleeper, get the sleeper. I want to throw my voice and like pretend to be the guard that I just banished.

Okay. Well, does throwing your voice confer you the ability to perfectly mimic a voice? I guess not, but I figure they're hearing me through a hole. You do have performance checks, so you can try to... I do have performance. Yeah. Yeah, they're listening at me through a can of Monster Energy Drink size hole. I have a performance thing. And then also, I'm going to cover my mouth a little bit, so it sounds like I'm muffled through the helm. So I figure I would give it a shot. Yeah, give it a shot. Give me a performance roll. I'm going to shout down...

Oh no, he's somehow escaped. He's somehow escaped and locked me in here. No, quick, open the door. Break the door down. All right, give me a performance check. This is disgusting. 15 plus 14. What? Jeez.

jesus plus 14 on this shit christ alive you perfectly mimic my already perfect cockney accent and you hear on the other side of the door generational loss perfect copies each time exactly on the other side of the door you hear he must have gotten out somehow listen listen oh we gotta get the door open forget the sleeper and you hear the sound of something being rolled away

And then you hear Glenn Pulse's collar go, that was a close one. You hear deep, loud chachunks as the hinges are lifted off. Like, you know how there's that little pin in a hinge that you can sort of lift off if it's an old style door. Actually true for all hinges for the most part. Oh, I could just grab a hinge and just like, or use pliers or whatever. That's cool. Not pliers. You got to give it a real shellacking, but yeah. Think about how do you think they make a hinge?

Yeah, dude. The only reason I know that is because of the Drew Barrymore film Ever After, in which Leonardo da Vinci sees that Drew Barrymore has been kidnapped and doesn't have the key, so he just pulls the hinges off of the door. And they go, wow, Leonardo da Vinci goes, yes, I'll go down in history as the man who opened a door. And I'll be like, that's the one thing I'll take away from this film. And it stuck with me. They pull the hinges off the door, the pinch pins off the door, and then sort of...

We like crease the door open, like pulling hard as they can. And the door is open now and they're streaming in four strong knights looking chicks. And then I'm going to throw my voice and be like, he's got me down here. I'm trapped. He's got me all tight. Come free me quickly. Why don't you roll both performance and stealth? You're going to need to pass both. Okay. So performance was a five plus 14, 19. Yeah. So you're never going to fail performance literally ever. So cool.

And then stealth was a natty 20. Jesus Christ! Ah, yes! Alright. Yes! You've unleashed the beast! I feel powerful!

With your 20, all four guards rush through the doorway beneath you, not noticing you in the arch above them. And they're going, oh, oh, oh. They're just all saying, oh, a lot, trying to find. And then a clank of armor as they descend the stairs. They basically get to the bottom and go, oh, wait a minute. Where?

is you I'm not even there to hear that because by the time they clear the landing I've dropped down like a spider-man all right like blade but spider-man I do a blade pose yeah I fall from the ceiling I'd go straight into the blade pose I hold it for like a good full second so my rat friend can see it he goes

And then I'm going to pop out the door and take a look at like, what do I see outside the door? I'm getting out of here. All right. I'm looking specifically for that thing they rolled out of the way. The sleeper, as they call it. Yes. So the thing that they rolled out of the way, it looks to be a large artificial lung, except, you know, that it's not artificial. It looks to be a large organism that still has somehow some blood pumping through it. It's a lung attached to a very large hose that is also on wheels.

And the hose is almost the exact diameter of the monster energy drink sized cylinder that they poked out of the door. You can feel it breathing. You can see some like colored air, some smoke within it that is moving around. I'm going to speak to this organism. Okay. And I'm going to like put my forehead on it and then we go.

My friend, do you wish revenge upon those who have enslaved you? And I'm going to try and persuade it to like expel as much sleeping gas into the space behind me as I can as I continue on my trek. Great. Go ahead and roll persuasion and get your fucking 35 or whatever the fuck you're going to get. 24 total.

So you feel distinctly the sense that this lung, while it does not have the full mental capacity to answer you with words, it vibrates in agreement. And the hose at the end of it begins to point toward the door. I'm like, Godspeed. And I'm going to continue moving on as it dispels sleeping gas into the space behind me. So you see the lung begin to compress behind you and pink gas expels from the end of that hose into the cell that you just spent basically eight years of your life in and

You hear a... What's that? What's... Is this... Oh, God. Get out. We gotta get out of here before we...

Oh, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we,

Good work. You've gotten revenge on them. Now it's my turn. Okay. And so I assume it's going to stop like pushing the gas out. Sure. Yeah. I guess the gas is just going to still be there, right? Yeah. I mean, it dissipates after a while, but it'll be there. Here's what I want to do. I want to hold my breath and like run in and like try and get dressed in one of the suits of armor. Okay. Yeah. You basically have to wait a pretty long time for it to dissipate, but you can also just do a constitution check or save, I guess, to go in and not fall asleep.

It is certainly stopped pumping the gas and so it won't be as hard as it would have been had it been actively pumping gas in who I don't have a plus one. Okay, speaking to the little my little rat friend. I'm

I'm going to be like, sleep with one eye open. And then hum Metallica to myself to get myself pumped up. Okay. And the rat is like slowly like its head's moving. And as you get to the chorus, the head starts fucking banging once you hit the Enter Sandman chorus. So I give Bardic Inspiration to my rat friend. And I tell him,

If I'm not back like pretty soon wearing armor, I need you to come and like bite me awake. Okay. And nods. So I'm going to hold my breath and run in now. Okay. So it's a constitution saving throw.

10 plus 1, 11. You've gone down for like surgery or something like that, right? And they're like down from 100. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how in the back of your mind you're like, I want to see how far I can get. And you're like, I can probably get to like 50 or 40. Yeah, you're like, I'm going to get to one and it's going to be really awkward. And then by the time you think that, you're like awake again and it's like done. So with that same degree of confidence, you run down the stairs. Roll dexterity as you're going down these stairs. Yeah.

Nine plus three, 12. So as you're running down the stairs, confident that your strong, strong lungs, your strong, strong legs and your strong, strong left arm will allow you to survive the sleeping gas that you've suffused this chamber with. It immediately begins to take control of you and you feel woozy as you go down the stairs and you trip and you fall and you hit your head on the stone floor of the stairs and above you, you hear a squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak.

And so the rat's going to run after you now, and I'm going to have the rat roll. So the bardic inspiration is an extra, what, D8? D10 now. Oh, D10. Nice. Okay.

Oh, no. It rolled a three. So I'm going to go ahead and roll that D10. Actually, it doesn't matter because it's not going to be 15 no matter what. Yeah, an eight. The rat goes, and then starts rushing into the cell worriedly. And it has just enough time to see you on the ground with a very, very small, not so much that you should be worried, but a very small pool of blood near your temple. It goes squeak and then just sort of falls over and falls in the exact same way that you fell and tumbled down the stairs.

And it somehow manages to land exactly such that it looks like the two of you are spooning, and it's very cute. Like right under my hand. Yeah, right under your hand. It just perfectly slides through. So you hear footsteps coming down the stairs. A couple of guards see you, and they go, oh, oh, looks like an escape attempt. Aw, look at him cuddling that rat. He's so cute. And they take a deep breath and... I'm going to roll a die. Am I going to single-handedly remove every guard from this prison with this...

accidental hitman-esque trap. Yeah, it's like in Hitman when you just set the fucking puzzle to electrocute and people just keep coming and checking the bodies and getting electrocuted. So with a nine constitution roll, those two guards fall asleep as well and just... And they clang down into the pile of bodies at the bottom of the stairs here. And then presumably an indeterminate amount of time later, you hear more people...

Oh, what's all this then? But these ones, I think, see the sleeper. They see a bunch of guards asleep. I think they're going to stay on the outside of the door and they go, somebody's got to get the doorman here. We need to fix this door. Oh, they got a whole new door? Yeah, the doorman comes in and builds a door. So you're telling me that they have sealed me in here with six other of the guards? Yeah. You were sealed in with six guards and the process of them building this door takes a few years. What?!

What? No, come on. Andy, I had it. I was out. You went back in. I was fucking out. You gave me a ridiculous check. I didn't say go back inside the place with the sleeping gas. I didn't even say turn the sleeping gas on.

It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright. You'll cry, cause that's just life. All you do is try, and it'll be alright.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. Jimmy Wong as Jodie Foster and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxson Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Beth May is our resident poet laureate. And she has her debut book of poetry out February 12th.

Are you kidding me? It's called The Immortal Soul Salvage Yard. You can check it out now by clicking the link in the episode description or pre-order it on Amazon at bit.ly slash Beth Poems. Support the arts. Check out her book of poems. Order the book of poems. Enrich your life with poetry in the same way

Thank you all so much.

our Patreon is at patreon.com/dungeonsanddads. There's tons of great extras on there. This month we're gonna start doing some daddy adventure modules for all you DMs, which are custom-crafted 5e compatible daddy shenanigans that you can run in your own campaigns. That's at the elite level. There's plenty of awesome extra stuff at every level.

Get ready this month, too, because we're going to be releasing the stretch cold bonus Gungans and Dabbies, all that jizz set in the Star Wars universe, which has nothing to do with the current campaign where we follow a jizz band who witnesses a terrible crime as they evade bounty hunters and get into all kinds of Star Wars shenanigans. Matt's character, by the way, I think is going to be a fan favorite. That's patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads, and you will get this campaign for free if you support us.

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Is the guard just sort of like cross-legged? What are you guys? I can't do a Bernie impression. Nevermind. Keep going. What are you guys doing in here? Oh, nice. With mittens. That's funny. I look at the guard and I say, I'm once again asking for your help and getting our friend out. Oh God, this is insufferable.

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