Ep. 50 - Panic Room / Inside Man
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Hey everyone, this is Ira. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Support for this Faerunian life comes from MailChain. From MailChain. Mail. Chain. Chain. Chain. More than 7 million warriors around Faerun. Use a MailChain. To send chain mail, plate mail, and deliver high fives. MailChain. Send better chain mail. Very nice. I use MailChain. You do? No, this is bullshit.

I believe that it's pretty clear that from the very beginning, I've been judged by a different standard. I think your kid is smoking. Hey, man, where did you get that? From you, Dad. Sorry, from you, Dad. We, the jury, find the defendant guilty. This is a Global Tell Link prepaid call from... Glenn Close, and I'm not paying for this, right, because it doesn't seem... An inmate at Mess Bay Correctional Facility. This call will be recorded and monitored. If you wish to...

From NPR, I'm Sarah Kanku. How much do our parents shape who we are? It's the age-old question, the nature versus nurture debate that gets brought up at dinnertime in our Kanku nest. I've wondered this myself upon looking at my father's bird-like talons and dark-hued beak, a beak I inherited from him. But what if you could change that? What if that choice was taken out of your hands?

This week, we're thinking about that question through the lens of Glenn Close, whose fatherhood was stripped away and replaced by a paladin cop named Jodie Foster. Hi, I'm Jodie, and this is my son, Nicholas. To know Jodie Foster is to know the opposite of Glenn Close. Joe's great. Super responsible, stand-up guy. Joe is a police officer, which, uh...

Jody's great, it's just that Nick, I mean, Nicholas, kinda sucks now. Everybody seems to think this Jody guy is kinda cool, but me, Peyton, ya boy, I don't trust him any further than I can throw, which is a pretty fuckin' far. When I first started reporting this story, I wasn't sure how I felt about Jody. I wasn't sure how I felt about Glenn, either. Sometimes they seemed less like witnesses in a serialized crime podcast and more like characters in a serialized D&D podcast.

Now, as four dads venture toward a prison to rescue their friend, we're faced with more questions. Who is the better father? Is there a way back into Nick's life for Glenn? Will there ever be actual answers to this question, or am I just stringing you along for 50 episodes to reveal zero answers? Next time, on Dungeons & Daddies. Dungeons & Daddies

Welcome one, welcome all to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a D&D podcast about forefathers from our world flung into a fantastical realm of magic, wonder, and ultimate glory in a quest to rescue their lost children, along with their good buddy Glenn. Ha!

My name is Jimmy Wong, and I play fictional... I think Glenn gets a featuring Glenn Close tag, basically. Oh, yeah, you're like the character actor at the end of the intro credits. Oh, that's great. You're introducing Freddie Wong. Congrats. I play the fictional father, Jodie Foster, on the show Dungeons & Daddies. Jodie's dad fact today...

He times himself internally every single time he gets into the car into basically how fast he can buckle his belt and put the key in the ignition, turn it on, and just get ready to go. Wow. What's his best time? Best time? Geez, like, let me imagine how fast he would do it. Ready? And start.

Go. That's it. He's ready out the garage. The car is ready to go. What was the time though, Jimmy? I don't know. My God, man. Jimmy had his eyes closed. When will the lies end? What kind of fast ass car starts up like that? Okay, like two and a half seconds. Two and a half seconds. Damn. Do you think that Jodie Foster keeps his car in anything less than tip top shape? Yes.

He's going to breathe on it and that thing revs to life. Jodie Foster is one of those dads that's like a 3,500 mile oil change, if you know what I'm saying. You know those radar signs that tell you how fast you're going? I feel like he has one next to his driveway so he knows how fast he's going when he's backing up. Make sure he doesn't go more than five miles per hour. I have one of those in my life and it's always like, too fast, slow down.

Anyway, that's it. Sometimes he does it with a cup of coffee in one hand and then that becomes like a special version of it because he has to like juggle and put it in and then get into the cup holder. New game plus. Yeah, I can add a whole second and a half. Hey everybody, this is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian when he enters a magical world of fantasy and whimsy and wonder and dragons and dungeons. Oh!

And realms that are sometimes forgotten and sometimes remembered. Wow. Since Glenn's in prison and we got copped at, I thought we would take this time for Daryl to explore the 18 other senses that, no, I'm kidding. Oh, God. What are Daryl's favorite laws? Yeah, there you go. Let's start there. Favorite amendments.

We're going to go down kind of Daryl's relationship with the law. So I figured we would talk about the one time he went to a prison. Daryl got pulled over for not having his blinker on when he changed lanes. Kind of a bullshit ticket if you ask Matt, but Daryl definitely felt bad about it. Daryl drives a BMW apparently. Yeah.

He was distracted because he was trying to get ahead and help Grant with his homework because he heard that Grant wanted to play Fortnite. So he's like, oh, I'll help you with your homework in the car. So, you know, you can really get to that Fortnite as quickly as possible. He forgot to buckle a seatbelt. And when the cop came over to give him a ticket, he said, oh, so your seatbelt's unbuckled. And Daryl lied and said, oh, no, I just unbuckled it when he came up to the car. And the guy believed him.

And Grant saw him like, of course Grant did not give a fuck. Anyways, after he dropped off Grant, he said, I'm going to have to miss dinner. And he drove to the prison. He drove to the police station and said, excuse me, I lied. I was pulled over. And I said, I took off my seatbelt. But no, I didn't have my seatbelt. Can somebody please give me a ticket or something?

do I go to jail? What do I need to do? He said, punish me, dad. They said you had to go to highway patrol. Daryl didn't know where it was. He left. But yes, that's the only time he's ever been in trouble with the police as he tried to turn himself in. So that's not him going to prison. Let's just be clear.

him visiting a prison but that's how he tells the story well off white man will ever get to prison in what universe are you going to like the state prison rather than like the county jail he doesn't know the difference he's just like this must be jail put me in here this is the place from oz yeah daryl drove to a state prison yeah it was like i need to turn myself into the police like that's not what this is so but in cowboy movies it's the cops and they got the

jail in the back. Is that what prison is? Hello, everyone. I'm Billy Campos here on the podcast. Whoa. What was the whoa? Billy Campos. That was a bigger shock to my system than not saying Forgotten Realms. I hate Billy Campos.

Where's Will Campos? Will, who the fuck is Billy? We're just trying it out today. I am so fucked up right now. I cannot handle this. I don't like it. Yeah, Will has glasses on too and it looks just strange. It's really upsetting. Like, Will, if you're really changing your, like, professional name to Billy, like, I support you. Just, like, you gotta tell me beforehand I can't handle this. No, I don't like it.

I'm not. I just wanted to freak you guys out. Billy Campos is the name that the parents say under their breath. Like, wait, he's coming to the sleepover? Not Billy Campos. Oh, no. Dude, for real, though, Billy is such a little kid troublemaker name. Yeah, absolutely. You're absolutely right. Yes. Anyway, I play the character Henry Oak on this podcast on the 50th episode of...

Oh, shit. Number five zero. That's right. Yeah. We made it to 50. Congratulations, everybody. And here is Henry Oaks. Well, first of all, he's a geologist. He's a crunchy, munchy, granola-eating, Birkenstock rocket and hippie nature druid dad. Here is Henry Oaks' 50th dad fact. So I mentioned last time that Henry says something's timey-wimey like in Sliders.

And I wanted to explain that. And it's because when he does Sliders Night with Mercedes O. Garcia, what he doesn't realize is that on the San Dimas TV station that they watch Sliders, they do like the Sci-Fi Friday back-to-back double. And it's an episode of Sliders followed by an episode of Doctor Who. And usually it's about halfway through Sliders that he goes into the kitchen and start making the sliders. And when he comes back, Doctor Who's already started. So he thinks the doctor is a member of the Sliders team. Wow. It's like a...

Garfield, U.S. Acres kind of scenario. It's like, oh, now we're checking in with the doctor, you know? Holy shit, what a pull. A U.S. Acres pull. I can't believe you don't know the difference between the two shows. That's so sad. That's like walking in and like your wife's changed. You're like, I don't know. They're the same woman. It's like a different dimension. He was like, oh yeah, and I guess they're checking in with this other guy. He probably thinks it's a subplot that's going to meet up with the main plot.

Yeah, I was about to say, Henry must have the strangest idea of what, he's like, man, TV shows are weird nowadays. They're two hours long and there's totally new characters in the back half. But you know, I guess that's Netflix. They change accents. Hi, my name is Liz May. No. Hi, I'm Beth May. I can't do it. I can't do it.

And I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather in Rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week, I'm just going to recite all 50 of his death notes. That would be wild. I would be so mad at myself. If you could do that off the dome, I would be flabbergasted. That would be the whole episode. I bet.

I've actually alluded to this dad fact before, but just want to seal it into the canon, is that Ron has a diary, or as he refers to it, a journal, manly journal. And he's had it, he's kept it ever since his father died. He, you know, was handed it at some clinic, you know, like, this will fix you, kid, sort of situation. Write it all down, sport. Has he been filling it out over the course of this adventure? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it like, obviously, merchandise right there, options, hello, sell it. Yeah.

It's like the world according to Ron. Ron calls it live journaling. He doesn't know about the website live journal. Hey, folks. It's your boy, Ricky Wong. Hey.

What is going on? Oh, ew. Oh. What's happened? It's like a porn star. I forgot that's part of the name. Yeah. Two roads diverged in yellow wood. One said Freddy. The other one was Rick. Ooh. Rick Wong. Rick Wong is an Asian porn star. Rick Wong is badass as hell. Rick Wong is the guy you call when you were in trouble. Freddy Wong is the guy who puts you in that trouble.

Do you think I should switch to Rick Wong? No. Why not? I fucking dare you, Freddie. Fucking switch your name to Rick Wong. Go ahead. God. I'm going to change my Twitter profile right now. I play Glenn Close, the bard rock, rock bard of the group. The good friend of everyone. Friend of the pod. I figured out exactly how to do dad facts. This is the best. I just do the counterpart to Jimmy's dad fact.

every time. So Glenn also times himself. He times himself by doing that game where, and guys out there listening, you'll know this game, when you gotta like pee real hard and you try and time your flush. I knew it was gonna be PS5. I knew it.

keep going sorry so you pee and then you try and time the flush and the timing of the flush to finish as the last drops exit yep your penis and then your punishment is if you mistime it and then the flush is done and you're still twice you got flushed twice it's like straight up a gambit with mother nature dude dude i do that you and gaia face off in the porcelain throne every time and by the way glenn's

so good at it. He nails it. His piss batting average is like .8, .85, dude. This is what video games did to us. Men would rather do games...

In the bathroom than have any moment alone with her thoughts. We can't do anything. I was just going to say it's his KP ratio. All right. Anyway, that's it. Okay. I'm Tony Burch. There we go. That's out of Sopranos. Tony Burch has an Italian restaurant. Tony Burch, your dungeon daddy. I guess my dad fact is that I'm a Capricorn. I don't know. Oh, my God.

same capricorn so your birthday was recently yeah it was when was it uh you'll never know january 12th how the fuck do you know that because my birthday's two days before yours yeah we're both capricorns which means we're bad people and that's okay grounded you guys are steadfast we're not like it's like ambitious and bitchy and like they always say like buffy is a capricorn i'm like yeah nobody wants to be like buffy just a

bitch all the time and like under a lot of pressure yeah she does not have an easy life at all oh boy okay so last time we left this group you were heading off to the meth bay correctional facility because your old pal glenn had been taken into custody for being a bad friend or bad person and is basically being held in their super max okay okay hold on sorry can we get the charges right yeah

He's kind of like banished forever from this game. I'm literally seeing this happen on Twitter where people are like, yeah, Glenn was a bad dude. I'm like, no. No. Glenn was a bad friend and a bad person. Good dude. Those are the charges. He was not declared a bad person. In this new reality, that was never a thing because he was never a dad. Yeah. He was declared innocent of bad person. Oh, that's interesting then. Just wait a second. That should be a loophole. Yes, that's a loophole. Yes. Let's go. Chariot or not.

out. Holy shit. We got him back. We got him. Okay, Anthony, we're at the I talked to the judge. I tell him that what you just said. He goes, cool. Don't care. This is exactly like the American justice system. I don't tell you. I come running back from my two day journey. I say, guys, that loophole is not going to work. You

You were heading to the Meth Bay Supermax and you left all the kids save for Nicholas with Walter the Immoral. And as always, Joe has joined you on this journey. As you head into Meth Bay, you once again clamp eyes on the Crimson Tower that is the Meth Bay Supermax. Are they ferrying over? Because we've established that the Meth Bay Supermax is like

Erowan prison from face-off, right? It's in the middle of the water. Yeah, it's not in the distance. If you want to get there, you will have to take a ferry there, yes? Oh my god, like Alcatraz. Boat, content, boat, content, yeah. We all get seasick and puke, alright. Gentlemen, before we head into this big, scary prison, I think we should kind of figure out what our game plan is. Like,

Do we want to just say that we're friends with Glenn and we want to say hi to him? Maybe like we're four criminal psychologists trying to solve a murder and like we need like the opinion of a bad dad as like a consulting detective kind of thing. I could be like a hard hitting journalist and then I'll be like, why did you kill them? Why? That's really great. Joe, you're a cop. So what's the...

Any ideas? I mean, they may not even allow visitors, depending on how grave the charges are. There's got to be like an information desk at the prison, right? Like we can, you know, let's start there. All right. But I think let's keep who we are to ourselves in case we need to come up with a ruse for who we are. I always keep who I am to myself.

Well, we've talked about that, Ron. That's actually something, yeah, hopefully in more circumstances you feel comfortable opening up and being your true self. But right now I do think we kind of need to like, maybe I'll take a page out of Ron's book and play this one close to the chest. Henry, you can't just throw, like, we need to come up with new names? Oh, that's fun. Okay, so I'll be Billy Oak. Mine

Wait, wait, wait. No. Billy Elm. Billy Elm. Okay. Yeah. I'm Dr. Billy Elm. Matt, you can be... No, Matt. Matt. Oh, that's a good name. That's a good name, Henry. I'll be Matt. I'll be Matt Birch. Matt Birch. Matt Birch. So Dr. Billy Elm, Matt Birch. Jody, maybe you can be... Jody... Maybe... No, don't use your first name. Jody Nurture. Jody Nurture.

That's like another word for foster. It's like foster. Okay, yeah. That's beautiful. I would change your first name. It was a good one. It was good. It's Nicholas' father. Yeah, yeah. Joseph. Well, you can still be Joe if you wanted, but Joseph Nurture. Joseph Nurture. I'm going to be Bart March. Bart March. Bart March. Bart March. Bart March. All right. All right.

All right, gentlemen. Matt's day was taken. Bart, March. Bart, Matt, and Joseph, let's see what we can see. Wait, what's Peyton? Peyton, what's your name, buddy? Why do you guys always forget about me? You're just on my head. You're piggyback riding. Just forget it. You're up there all the time. I'm thinking my name is Sylvester Stallone. Ooh. Ooh.

Do you get those movies here? What's a movie? Wow, that's a great name. Daryl, don't forget, we talked past lives. That must be from my dad. My dad loved those Sly Sylvester movies. That's what they're called, huh? Sly Sylvester movies. Sly Sylvester movies. I can't believe your dad is a shitty chick. Holy shit. He looks like the Sly ones. Sly Sylvester has rambled.

It's me, Sly Sylvester. I'm going to sneak around. It's me, it's me. You can't catch me. I'm Sly Sylvester. I'm sneaking through. I'm going to cover myself in mud and kill this police officer. It's me, Sly. Rocky, Rocky, you can't beat him in single combat. He's too strong. But I pray, though, I think I can sneak around his punches. Over the top is a movie about tickling. Catch me.

That one doesn't change at all. I'm still. Okay. So Nicholas goes, my name will be. Oh yeah. Nick, you're here too. Jody Foster. Oh, Nick, you should probably pick it. We're trying to pick names. That's not associated with anybody in our group.

I don't think I have to listen to you. Oh my God. He just kind of shrugs. You know, Daryl, he does have a point. I lean over to Ron. I go, this new Nick sucks. I think.

I don't like the way he looks at me where I can see he's thinking about me bad. Yeah. All right. We got to keep an eye on him. I don't like him. Fucking hate that kid. Little brat. Remember I paid him? Not like you up there, buddy. I put my hand up for a high five. He goes, I fucking beat ass. This kid sucks. But he says it too loud. And Nicholas is like, what? What was that?

What are you guys talking about? Was that about me? Are you saying I suck? No, because your name's Jody. We couldn't have been talking about you, could we? We were talking about somebody named Nick. What? That's Nicholas to you, Matthew. All right, let's... I just walk away before you can respond with pain on my shoulders. I just start walking towards the fairies. To be fair, we don't think that Nick sucks at all. Nicholas sucks. What?

Oh, my God. Nicholas is like, he just keeps throwing his hands up and pointing his head. I told you, they're incredibly disrespectful. Henry rushes up to Jody and Nicholas. I'm really sorry about them. They're just really tense right now. We're still kind of coming down off the last time we were here. Everyone's, Nicholas, we all love you. You're a great kid. I just, you know, they're in a weird spot right now. Hey, have you considered that you keep apologizing for them? Is that enabling their behavior? I'm just throwing that out there. Oh, my gosh. Am I enabling? Not my place to say. You're giving me a lot to think about.

at the docks, you see four of the buffest, most beautiful women you have ever seen in your life. Like their torsos are basically the size of the hood of a car and they're just like lifting weights just to pass the time. And as one of them turns around to do some pull-ups, you see two little wings on the back just flitting a little bit, like really, really, really, really fast. And one of them sees you looking and turns around and goes...

Those don't count. You know what I'm saying? You CrossFit motherfuckers, you can't do the kip-up pull-ups, those don't count. They're working out their wings. One of them turns around and sees you and goes, hey, you want to hire a ferry? What's going on? I can take you where you need to go. I can carry you over. You just get on my shoulders and I'll take you wherever you need to go. Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? She cracks her neck. Wow.

Hello! We need to get to that prison over there, the Meth Bay Supermax. You a little flustered there, Henry? I'm just... I am a little flustered. I'm going to...

I'm comfortable admitting that. You're all very impressive. We could use a ride. Daryl, start talking. She immediately pulls you into a friendly headlock under her arm. She goes, ah. She gives you a little noogie. She goes, hey, this one's flustered. You get a discount. I like this one. Oh, great. Yeah, hi. Daryl Wilson, nice. Oh, what joke? What?

I thought we weren't using real names. Daryl Wilson is a man that I would, if you happen to see, let us know. But I'm Matt Birch. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. She puts out her hand for a handshake. Ooh, handshake. And I put my hand out. All right, roll strike. Strike, strike, strike, strike.

I rolled 13 plus 3, 16. Ooh, you squeeze her hand just a little bit stronger than she squeezes yours. Ooh, strong boy. I don't believe it. Reroll. That's very impressive. So, yeah, where are you headed? We got good to that prison, I think, all of us. Yeah, across the bay. Oh, well, I don't go to the prison. They shoot at people.

who get close to the presence. So that's going to be... How about visitors? Like, we're just there to visit somebody. It's a super max. They don't usually allow visitors. I thought that meant you had, like, a super time or something when you go there. Maxfun.org. LAUGHTER

What can you, first of all, what's your name? The one who's talking to you, she goes, my name is Chug Spudman. That name was given to us by Max Tague. Thanks, Max. Hi, Chug. I'm Billy Elm. I was just wondering, what can you tell us about the prison? You know, we're just curious individuals. These are my associates. We're hard-hitting investigators. We're hard-hitting investigators slash clinical forensic psychologists. And we're trying to learn more about

The Meth Bay Supermax. So what can you tell us? It's a pretty bad place. Once you go, you don't come back out. Well, with one exception, one guy escaped, if you can even consider it escaping. He died-ish on the way out. But yeah, it's just, it's the worst person you can pretty much imagine. You said a fella escaped, but they died. Yes. Just, you know, would love more details as media journalists. And I look at Henry and I wink. I give him a big thumbs up. This one's going to blow Dirty John out of the water. Yeah.

You know of Dirty John? That was his name. He got blown out of the water after he escaped from the prison. I don't exactly know how he escaped, but he swam back to shore, but he was covered in burns. It was a couple of years back. It was the talk of the town because everybody thought, oh, nobody can escape the meth-based supermax. And the judges and stuff tried to convince us that it was a hoax and that he had just decided to dunk himself in there. But no, as far as we know, there is a way out, but it involves getting extremely badly killed.

burned. Is there any way to just talk to anybody at the prison? Like they must get food there. People must have catering. Yeah. So the food gets brought in once a week on a barge, which is just what you call three fairies holding hands, holding a bunch of food on their backs. Once a week, there's a shift change where the guards will come back and they'll hang out on the mainland for a week. It's basically a week on week off situation. And those are pretty well protected. The guards themselves are really well armed and they're,

They tend to only allow fairies that they know pretty well handle those to avoid, you know, any chicanery. Where do you ladies usually send people? Like, where do you usually carry people? We go anywhere that the rivers connect here. So there are all kinds of places that we go. For example, let me load them up. They go to Cascada Falls, which was sent in by Justin Wu. We can go to the Golden Dragon Academy, which is sent in by Michelle Grace. We can go to that big old weird castle that sprouted up out of nowhere that has a bunch of books and stuff like etched into the sides.

Oh my God. What was that last one again? The weird ass castle that sprouted up sort of out of nowhere a couple of months ago, something like that. It's parapets have like books coming out of it. It has like a weird book theme. That sounds really fun. Actually, that sounds like a cool, fun life. Wait a second.

Wait a second. Is that from the deck of many things? Oh, well. Who got that? It was the library. The library was where you shake the library from drawing from it. Oh, yeah. It's probably our castle now because he's dead. Yeah. I don't really remember. Is that how that works? Yeah. If I were to guess how property exchanges hands in this land, fairies, you tell me. If somebody owns a castle and you kill them, who does the castle? Oh, your castle. That's your castle. Right then. See, I thought so. That makes sense. Hmm.

Cool. So that's actually our castle. Matt Burch here. That's my castle. Oh, great. Congratulations, Mr. Burch. Said to whatever. Yeah. Oh, that's not even true. I don't even know why I said that. That's just my brand. No.

Maybe there's a shift change coming up, huh? Yeah, there's actually a shift game happening tonight. Oh, that's... I would love to meet the people who are going in, you know, just sort of get to know them. If you want to talk to somebody who works at the prison, like I said, they're probably at that bar over there around the corner, the one with the, like, frog symbol or whatever. I don't go into there. As she points around the corner, you can hook your head a little bit and see the telltale sign of a Bullywugs franchise. Hell yeah.

I love it. Every single fucking time, dude. All right. It feels like if we can get in with these guards, then maybe we can get in like pretending to be guards or something like that. So here's what I think we could do. What if we pretend to be talent scouts looking for new guards to guard our big book castle? We're like, we work for the guy who owns book castle and he's looking for Jeff Bezos. Jeff Bezos.

And he's looking for some tough buff guards. And then maybe we send them over to the castle for a job interview. And while they're out of town, we slip in. We're like, oh, you're short four guys. Well, hey, we're really great guard guys. We got a reference from Jeff Bezos, the guy at Book Castle. And we show that and we get in as new guards. And then we're in and we're guards, right? That feels like that could work. Wouldn't it be better just to be Jeff Bezos in that situation? Can we just say we're Jeff Bezos? I mean, what is Jeff Bezos doing hiring guards himself?

You know what I mean? I mean, he can do whatever he wants. Guys, I'm getting kind of bored and thirsty, so I'm going to go into the Bully Walks. Are you just going to go get a drink there? What do you want to do? Ron is already gone. Oh, I'll tell you. Ron's heading in. I stop everyone before we get to the tavern door and go, hey, hey, I know Ron's in there, but real quick, this place, you know, it doesn't bring up great memories because of

What happened? And I sort of like gesture towards Nicholas. What happened? Glenn just shoved him in there. Glenn shoved him in there? Glenn shoved Nick? What happened? I can't remember. We've been in here so long. Nicholas like sighs and rolls his eyes and he goes, Glenn thought that he could make a lot of money because I'm clearly really good at soccer. And he thought I could go in there and make him a bunch of money. So he encouraged me to go fight. And...

I said, yeah, he told me that Joe wanted me to. 100% in this scenario, Glenn would bet even harder because there's no way Nicholas doesn't know fucking Krav Maga. Yeah, Glenn told me that it would make dad happy if I came back with a trophy. I love getting trophies for my pops. So...

I went in there with Glenn and tried to fight Peyton. And I, I did win because I'm very good at fighting, but that's right now, Aaron. Well, Nicholas, if you want to stay outside, that's totally yeet. As they say, why don't him and Peyton just hang out? They're about the same age. Actually, I don't really know Peyton's real age with the extra facts, but they look the same age. I'm,

picking Peyton off my shoulders because he was writing, you know, piggyback. And I feel like he's literally like trying to like run into the place. And I'm like, yeah, I think we should kind of keep him out of here. Peyton, you can't really be trusted in there, buddy. Can you stay here with Nick? But this is my environment. This is where I was raised up. I can teach you everything you need to know about how the ins and outs, the ups and the downs. Peyton, here's the thing, though. We all got to pretend who we're not and

You know, and I know you're a fighter, right? You're right. Sly Sylvester will stay on the slide. There's no way you could go in there and not be a fighter. You're right. So I'm sorry, buddy, but you got to stay here for the sake of this mission. And most importantly, Peyton, if anyone unsavory wants to come in here and might change things up, we know we can count on you to keep us safe. Okay. That seems like a lot of, a lot of old Peyton shoulders, but I'll do the best I can. I guess I walk into the place. We step into the bar.

As you open the western style doors into the Bullywugs, you're greeted with familiar sight. Bullywugs is the same no matter where you go. You can see that in the far corner, there are two children beating the tar out of each other. And in a variety of booths surrounding the big ol' orphan fighting ring, you see people delighting in the myriad pleasures of deep fried snack food.

and buffalo wings and chicken tendies and so on and so forth. Aracocca wings. Amongst all those, you see three people covered in armor, like so much so that you can barely see slits in the helms that they're wearing. And they are just shoving tater tots into those slits that are kind of getting decimated by the slits as they go in. Like most of the fun crispy part is getting like sloughed off as they go in. Oh no, just the mushy part of the tots?

Yeah, they're just getting mushy tots. But yeah, you can see those three people are talking to each other. I think Ron has already sidled up at the bar next to these three guards. And Ron looks at the bartender. He's like,

I'll have what they're having. Each, like, because I'll take three because there's three of them and there's one of me. So I'll have what they're having together. So the bartender nods sharply and then hands you three buckets of tater tots. Oh, thanks, Ron. Daryl slides in next to Ron and starts eating. Yeah, we all slide up. Ron, like, sips the tater tot bucket like it's a drink. Yeah.

So just tater tots, hit your lips, but don't go in. Yeah, that's exactly what happens. So I noticed you guys are eating tater tots. I'm a businessman myself. What?

Say you have a castle. Ask them about their job. Anyways, yeah, I'm a businessman and my name is Bart March. I also have a podcast investigation. Bart March? You're the guy with that big castle. Wow, I can't believe I'm sitting next to Bart March, the big businessman and podcaster with that huge castle. I heard his real name is Bartholomew. I give them both like a thumbs up. Matt or Beth, roll deception. Actually, both of you.

That's a 15 minus one, 14. I got 17 plus zero. Okay, well, 17 will do it. So one of the knights turns over to you. Its visor moves up a little bit, almost like an eyebrow raise. And you hear a voice from inside it go, oh, you're the one with that big old castle, eh? It's right beautiful, isn't it? So you just built it out of nowhere. How'd you do that? Well, a businessman never reveals his... Okay.

Okay, fine. And then she goes back to eating tater tots. But on this auspicious evening, I might make an exception. Oh, she stops mid-tot. Ron is like at this point kind of looking to the dads while talking because he's lost all confidence. So what does he say? So you like guarding things, right? Yeah.

Do you like the castle? That would be a good thing to guard if you wanted. Offer them money. Ron hears it in his mind, like Glenn's voice being like, offer them money. I'm like, okay. Would you like money? Okay.

The lead guard lady cocks her head and goes, yes, money is great. It's the only reason I took this shit ass job at the meth bay correctional facility. I do not enjoy it in a slightest, but we all got student loans to pay. And I just, I don't know what to tell you. Well, that's where I come in. And Henry kind of like does a bit of a Don Draper swagger as he steps up and he says,

Hello there, Billy Elm. Nice to meet you. I'm an associate and liaison for Mr. March. I run his financial affairs, and we would like to extend a generous offer to you and your associates to become guards at the Book Castle, which is the name of the castle that is the one that he owns. Why don't you roll persuasion? Because you do, to some extent, have a legal claim on...

Book Castle. If it is ever called something else, like I will quit the podcast. I only want it to be Book Castle. I mean, it's yours. We're saying that's your castle. So it's Book Castle. Book Castle.

I got an 18. The lead guard goes, okay, okay, all right. Well, you're going to have to match a pretty hefty fee if you're going to try to steal us away from our current employment. Yeah, actually, I've got a pretty good idea about that. Maybe if you took us to your current employer, we could take a look at what you do.

And then make you not do as much. So your argument is, you who are trying to poach me from my current job, I should take you to my current job and allow you to look at everything that's going on in my current job while my other employees and my boss can see you. And then maybe you'll hire me on after that. That's what's to be done? Daryl slips in behind them and goes, hey, can I just talk to you for a sec? Yeah, sure. Excuse us one moment. No, I'm talking to the three guards. Yes, please go ahead. Hey, I know I just met you, but man.

don't blow this. I was just listening to his podcast and this guy's rich. And he said, all he wants is a bunch of guards because he's got a ton of money and he's just scared of it. He's a sap and he's got all the money in the world. It's going to be so easy. I think he's just kind of awkward. I think take him for all he's worth, man, but don't, I'm afraid you're going to blow this, you know, just, you know, I don't have a great job myself. If I had an opportunity like you guys, that'd be fantastic. But yeah, you have to roll deception because that is a straight up lie.

I got 12 unless you want to give me an advantage for such a good idea. Well, they watched you come in with the person who's currently trying to sell them on this. So you should be thanking your lucky stars. They didn't give you disadvantage. OK, fair enough. The lead guard goes, well, if it's such an incredible job, then why haven't you take it, my bruv? You're right. Hey, sir, can I be a guard? I'll take it. I want all the money in the world. And then I'm going to quickly stand up, seeing what's happening, go like, I want to be a guard, too. I used to work in policing.

And I know this is the best paying job ever. That's why I'm here. I followed you. I saw both of you come in with the money man. Allow me to explain. Both of these men have been fired from their position.

Both of them weren't quite material, and they've been trying to get their jobs back ever since because this is the best job that's ever happened to them. And you should do the thing my boss said because you know what Mr. March values over anything? Determination and devotion. He wants to see you burn that bridge because he knows that when you come work for him, you're going to be – forget about it. It's very good. Yeah.

Roll deception.

I got a three. Damn, this is you need Glenn for this so bad, you guys. The knight looks to her two friends, flicks ahead at you. They look at you and they look back at her and they shake their heads and she nods and she stands up and with one swift movement, uppercuts Ron under the jaw with her fist. And the reason I'm not asking what your AC is because she rolled a 19. So Ron, you're going to go ahead and take 13 damage. Oh my God. And you are knocked prone.

onto the ground. Woof. Is this the first time we've talked ourselves into combat? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Anthony always sets up combat and we talk ourselves out of it. Damn it. The knight goes, I see what's going on here. You're trying to do some shenanigans to try to get into the super max or something like that. I can see straight through your roofs and they draw swords that crackle with electricity and it is time to roll for initiative. Yo. Damn it.

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We're about to fight guards in a pub? This is not what I wanted to do. This is like episode one of most D&D podcasts. I use my uncanny dodge reaction to have the knights attack on me. Oh, shit! I gotta be frank, I don't like the impact that Jimmy is having on this group. I don't like that you're all... More ways for us to fuck with you. I'm sorry, Anthony. Uh-oh, she learned how to read.

I think that Ron just becomes a small little toad of a person and just scrunches up like a bullywog and then drops to the floor. That's great. That happens.

Okay, so we all roll initiative? Yes, you do. Unfortunately, the bad guy's got a natural 20. Damn, I got a 19 plus one. I rolled a 19. I got a 20. I got a 10. The guards are going to go take their turn first. The one who hit Ron is going to raise her sword and then cleave the next nearest person to her, which was Daryl. All three are going to attack you.

Two of them hit you. One of them doesn't. So you take. Oh, no, that's bad. You take 45 damage. What? The sword that they do, it does the regular sword damage, which is just 1d6 plus 3. And then they get 4d8 lightning damage. That's their entire turn, though. Now it is up to y'all. When they hit me in response, I'm going to use Stone's Endurance or as Daryl likes to call it, the Rudy spirit. Just get up. You know, get up. Just get up, Rudy. Just.

Just stay with it. I reduced my damage by one D 12 plus three. So great. I rolled a one. So I reduced my damage by four. There you go. That's something Rudy, you know, Rudy didn't do shit in that movie. Honestly, I'm a big boy. Chunky, chunky. Okay. So the next person up is Henry, Henry, uh, seeing Daryl get pretty darn well shellacked. Uh,

and being very afraid of what's going on and wanting to end this as quickly as possible, thinks back to a spell he learned as a young druid boy. One of the first spells they teach you when your parents want you to make some tea, you know, some herbal tea, and there's no fire because it's raining outside. They teach you a little spell called heat metal. Oh!

I am going to go ahead because they've got big lightning lightsaber swords. I am going to use my fifth level heat metal spell and I'm going to touch the armor of one of the guards. That's awesome. They have to make a deck save of 17.

She gets a five. Ooh! Her armor begins to get hotter and hotter. You can feel the heat radiating off of the metal. You can see steam beginning to rise from inside of the suit. And soon, it is red hot. And you hear a sound that initially sounds like a normal person screaming in pain. But then it becomes something else, and you hear a gurgling and a bubbling. And you see a black liquid from inside the suit of armor beginning to froth and bubble up out of the visor.

And this like sentient liquid is trying to get out of the visor. But it's going to spend its entire next turn trying to do that. From the ground, Ron says, we told you this employment opportunity was smoking hot.

I say, hey, we still can. We don't have to fight. Come on. This is, you know, this is all we're still figuring it out. Let's, you know, look, we lied. We're really trying to get in there to help our friend. Like, can you help us help our friend? Like, you know, we'll be cool about it. You said you don't like your job. You can quit your job right now. You can quit your job. Just walk away. Doesn't sound like you're trying to intimidate them. It sounds like you're trying to persuade them. So give me a persuasion roll with disadvantage because you did attack them.

Well, I got a natural one for the first one, so I'm going to go ahead and assume that I didn't persuade them. No, you just see the two remaining visors just turn like RoboCop and lock eyes with you. Uh-oh. All right, Daryl, it is now your turn. Daryl invokes rage because he got half of his life being out of him. Daryl's going to lift up two of the stools and dual-wheel two bar stools. Sounds like it's time for some bar stool sports. Am I right? Am I right? Any jocks listening? No.

Any jocks? I hear jock stuff.

Somebody befriend Will. He's very lonely on this podcast. Daryl's going to whack the one that... Actually, no, he's going to go for the backmost one. Okay. Does Daryl say it's time for a stool sample when he hits... Nice. Yeah. What happened to our dad joke modifiers? We stopped being good at them. We gave up on them. I think you've done them so much now. I think they've become such a part of who you are that now when you do them, you could heal a d4 of damage. That's beautiful. I say...

Another word for poo is stool. Okay, so that one doesn't count. You take another D4 of damage. Yeah. Yes. Yes. That was a very postmodern anti-comedy sort of joke. Take another D4 of damage.

I took three damage. He's cough out blood trying to get a dad joke out. As he's about to swing that stool and he says that terrible line, he winces being like, I hope nobody heard that and psychically takes three damage.

And I bludgeoned the backmost one twice with a stool. I got a natural 20. You critted. Nice. So go ahead and roll your damage twice. Let's say it's a D12. It's a heavy stool. Yeah, they only do nice furniture at Bullywokes. Come on. So 11. And the second hit, 6 plus 3. So 9. It's a 20. I'm going to attack again. And I scream, laugh at my joke, damn it. Stool. Stool.

swing again. Sounds like you got some bloody stools there. All right, I'm done. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I rolled a nine plus seven. So 16 for the AC there. We'll not quite cut it. Their armor is a little bit too nice. They just bonk and donks off the armor of the third person. Okay. Well, I'm going to use my tavern brawler grapple, which is when I use an improvised weapon, I can use a bonus attempt to attempt to grapple. So I feel like

I smash the stool down. It doesn't do any damage, but now I'm just using it to like pin them by the neck with the stool. Oh, cool. That looks great. Yeah. Go ahead and just roll a strength check. 17 plus seven. So 24. So as this thing is, you just grab it by the scruff of its armor and then just slam it down on the ground with the stool. And you can basically like the legs of the stool are pinning it to the ground. I just sit on it. Actually, I just sit on top of the stool now.

Great. Just chilling. I start drinking like I'm super chill. That's my grapple. Jody, it is your turn. Do you like sense if the armor that they have on has any magic? You can either cast the tech magic and I'll let you know exactly what it is. Otherwise, you're just going to have to do an arcana check. I'll cast the tech magic. So it's within 30 feet. Okay, great. Is this like you've got cop nose and you can smell if someone's been smoking reefers or something like that? Yeah, magic in our world is just the smell of drugs. He's also a highway cop. So he's like kind of a wannabe. You...

not only detect the aura around it, but because you use the spell, you can also tell that this armor gives further articulation to the creature inside of it. They're basically like mugs that you can pour an amorphous blobby creature into, and it strengthens them and gives them form in such a way that they can control the armor from within, kind of like a human-sized mech, essentially. I do the cop thing where I, like, put up a hand, and then I, like...

put my hand on where my pistol is, but I'm not actually, I'm just sort of like doing the action and I'm going to yell for them to stand down and I'm casting dispel magic, which is a third level spell. Oh shit. So I get to choose one creature object or magical effect within range and any spell of third level or lower ends. And then if it's a fourth level or higher, then you have to make an ability check. Can you cast two spells?

In one turn? I am going to allow detect magic just because it's going to soak up one of your spell slots, A, and then B, I don't mind it as a bonus action because it's just for additional intelligence on what's going on. Okay. It's a little house rule we're going to do. If your spell's not cool, then you get to do another one. I love that. I love that for us. The only spell you should be casting is a tiny explosive charge in the middle of a copper shell that blasts a piece of lead.

It should come from a magic wand that looks like a gun with the words Glock 19 on the side. I'm trying to de-escalate the situation here. Okay. But like, can you imagine saying, do you feel lucky, punk? But like, it's lucky because you have to roll for it. That's pretty funny, I think.

Anyway, I'm doing this to the one that Daryl hasn't been trying to clobber with the stools. So there's one remaining, right? So there's one that's in charge, there's one that's being sat on, and there's one that's currently burning. My three X's. The three X's you meet in heaven. Yeah. So I'll do this to the one in charge. Okay. Because if that one's still standing. Okay, give me an ability check then. First combat role on the podcast, Jimmy. Let's go. I know.

Let me give you a little advice of a veteran here. You can just say whatever number you want. I rolled a 17. All right, 16. Sorry, minus one, 16. Oh, well, then it doesn't happen. No, okay, so the second you touch this thing, you hear the like a... And suddenly the entire apparatus that is the symbiotic relationship between this goo and this armor, all of a sudden it just goes completely still and silent and like stops moving and it goes...

and falls onto the ground. And the black goo just begins to like, just its way out of the visor. And it just starts crawling out of the armor and just sort of splats onto its chest, just sort of sitting there, just like undulating. So it's basically out of the combat. Ron, tell me you didn't eat those tater tots. Oh, man.

All right, Ron, it is your turn. So basically two down, one to go, right? Pretty much. Okay. The third one is relatively unharmed. She's completely unharmed. She's just pinned by Matt Birch. Fabulous. Okay. So you know how Bullywogs are like Chuck E. Cheese's? Mm-hmm. And you know how Chuck E. Cheese's have those like pitcher stands, like where you hop in and there's like Polaroids that you get? Mm-hmm.

I would like to try to have Ron help Jodi pull this third guy into like a photo booth and then like threaten to show it to his employer and so

And maybe we can get him to take us there. Okay. So you're going to get a compromising photo of one of the guards in a selfie photo booth. Okay. It's like a sketch artist. It's a sketch artist. We'll get it like a sketch. What about a little Matt Burch sitting on him and clearly defeating him? We're the best guard. Oh, yeah. Yes.

Okay, Ron goes over to a sketch artist. I'm assuming that sketch artists are as good as photographs in this world. The picture booth is a booth with a little curtain for privacy. And on one side of the curtain, you can see a big glass box with a goblin inside just drawing really, really, really fast. And then it basically just tosses the finished drawing out of its little goblin hole to the people who paid for it. They put in money and he throws out the drawing. There's actually two people behind the glass. There's the goblin that draws and they pass it to a notary who signs it saying this is indeed true. There's a witness.

Yeah. That is true. Okay. Sure, that happens. Yes. What are their names? What are these two goblins? I love these two goblins that work together in this tiny booth. They're just like buddies.

Amazing. One's the artist, the other's a bureaucrat. They just hang out all day. The one that's drawing, you can see that she's got a name tag on that says Gigi McPhee. That's from Ava Wang. Thank you, Ava. And then the notary, she flips her orcish hair back. It's a very weirdly shaped cabinet because it's got a small goblin and a big orc in it and they're both encased in glass. And the orc notary also has a name tag on her lapel that says Zoot Pilsnitch.

which is from Sterling Rickabot. Ron stands up and kind of dusts himself off, and he very confidently marches over to the sketching booth thing. And he hands...

Five gold to the... The goblin immediately goes, oh my god, I can retire! And breaks the glass and starts running. Oh wait, can we try and grab the goblin? Yeah, let's say you try to get away, so somebody give me a reflex or a dexterity roll to see if you can grab the goblin.

I rolled a 13 dex, and I have plus seven because I'm just a wily. Whoa! Okay, so Ron, with your 20, you effortlessly pluck the goblin out of the air. And then I turn around really quick and be like, didn't that look so cool? I just grabbed it right out of the way. That was so fast. It was super cool. That was amazing. Peyton pokes his head in and goes, it was really cool. I was watching from back here too. It looked great. Thanks, Peyton. Okay, so how much sketching would this amount get us? Okay.

Whatever you wish. That is more than sufficient for an average drawing. Please, thank you. Okay, so I look around at the other dads. Maybe like four sketches, quick, you know, sort of something like that. We can have multiple. Let's do a silly one and then we'll do a serious one. Maybe one of each of us like on this guy, like we all beat him. Yeah, we all look tough. Like a sequence, like a little comic strip. You guys are the artists that give you artistic liberty, but basically my name. Just have fun with it. Just have fun with it? Yeah, I'll just have fun with it.

Maybe they're like holding a sign that says like, I'm a bad guard. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And so, and it's pretty straightforward. So yeah, let's do that. Okay. Let's take you first man who gave me the gold. So go ahead and take whatever pose you like. What pose are you going to do on top of this poor guard? Does this guard try to fight this? Yeah. I had a role for strength and she got a two. She is pathetically just like underneath your stool. She cannot do anything. I think that's,

Ron is doing like a bad YouTuber thumbnail clickbait where it's like, like that shocked face, that shocked expression holding your face like you won't believe what happened in this bully walk. Epic guard fail. Epic guard fail, parentheses emotional. Parentheses gone sexual. We walked into a bully walk and said you won't believe what happened next.

So the goblin scribbles, goes, ah, yes, yes, yes, yes. And it scribbles really, really fast and then flips it and turns it on you. And you can see that she has basically drawn exactly what you were doing, but she's enhanced the size of your eyes and your mouth just a little bit to make it a little bit inhuman because that really pulls in a few more clicks. Yeah.

but it looks perfect. It's exactly what you wanted. She goes, okay, next, next. You, the crunchy one, the munchy one. Oh, you know, could you just get like a nice picture of me? Like just so I remember this adventure for when I go home. Sure. I just kind of do a smile and I wave. I'm not near the guy at all. I just want to. Yeah, she just hands you back a picture just of yourself smiling away. Guys, get in here. Let's all do one together. Let's all do one together. Yeah, we do one together. Yeah, that's cool. I'm still sitting in the stool. So this guy is just

pinned underneath the floor and was waving, which is humiliating. Wait, I got it. And then I hold up a mirror so we can get a shot of Daryl in the picture. I do bunny ears on Henry. This is adorable. She draws that very quickly and hands it back to you. She didn't mean to, but she's actually done it in like Miyazaki style. So you all look like adorable, like anime versions of yourself for some reason. Hey, this is pretty great. The buff looking one, the handsome looking one. You're next. All right, one sec. I rush outside, open the door like, guys, guys.

we get pictures. And it's like, oh, and immediately spritz away. Nicholas is like, I don't know. Okay, sure. Fine, fine, fine, sure. Fine. And runs in with him. And they're both there with fucking why not? I look at paying it. Hey buddy, I'm really proud of you. Cause you said you're watching us fighting. And the fact that you restrained yourself and didn't jump in for the fight. That's pretty awesome. It was really difficult. It took a lot of memorialize. Like you won this fight. So why don't you just take the knife out? No stabbing. That way this picture is going to look like a kid beat this dude.

I can't make any promise. I can't promise my instincts won't take over, but I will. I will do my best. Don't stab an unarmed pinned individual, OK? I'm going to try. I'm going to try. We'll see what happens. Can I swoop into like the helmet of the one that fell over? Sure. So you're wearing the helmet. Peyton's there with the knife. Nicholas is like leaning against you like, you know, like in in the poster for Twins, the way that

like Danny DeVito is leaning up against Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's like doing that, but he's also like pointing up at you like this guy. So it's got like that kind of a vibe to it. Oh my God. What a deep cut. Goblin draws that, hands it back to you. Looks perfect. Looks great. So now it's Daryl's turn. You know what? We don't need one of me. Just like, just do this guy. Somebody's being a baby about getting their picture taken.

And it's my boy. My son's a big baby. We should all gather around and reacting like, oh, he's so hot, like pointing at him and just like, oh, my God. I like that one. Let's do that.

Not with you, Payne. Yeah, you get out of here. You guys want to be like really impressed by me? That's cool. Ron just does the same influencer face from the line. My friend sat on this night gun sexual. So the artist draws it really quickly and hands it to you. And it looks like a Frank Frazetta, like Conan the Barbarian face.

Rippling paint. She drew you with no shirt on, even though you're wearing a shirt. Everyone is in awe of your form. She hands all four to the orc, and he goes...

Yep. And then hands it back to you and she goes, it's 11. And now you have these four notarized pictures. So are we out of combat? You're out of combat. There's no reason to do combat anymore. It's all done. What happened to the other one? It caught on fire as it was getting out of the armor. And it starts rolling back and forth to put it out. And it does. But the armor is still red hot on the ground, so it can't get back into its armor. And the other one is just it's slithering up to the other one. And they're both talking like, oh, they're really cute.

Yeah, but they're talking and they're alive and it's fine. But the third one's still in its armor. So what do you want to do? What are you going to say to this remaining goo person? I look at Ron and go, hey, Ron, have you ever heard of good cop, bad cop? No. Okay, so. Just kidding. That's me being the bad cop, right? Pretending to not know what good cop, bad cop is. Oh, great. What cop do you want me to be? I think you're a great bad cop. You're just such a bad dude, you know? Call me bad again.

Ron rolled an odd fall in love with Jodi. Uh-oh. So if you play the bad cop, I'll ask him the nice question, and then you do your bad thing, and then that's going to intimidate them to want to tell me the truth. Okay. So I saunter up to her and say, look...

We don't want to get you in trouble, okay? My friend over here, he's a real mean dude. You saw how quickly he dodged your attack. And humiliated all of you with these photographs. You have four photographs. And now we have all these incriminating pictures. But look, you want to deal with me, right? And I sort of look at Ron and be like, come on. Ron goes over to the buckets of tater tots and does sort of like the Batman, like, where are they?

It starts punching the tater tots off of the counter. I'm crazy. Who knows what I'll do to a perp? Where are they? All right. Beth, roll intimidation with advantage. 14 plus...

4, 18. So the suit begins to vibrate under, I assume, are you still sitting on that stool, Daryl? I'm like, whoa, earthquake. Yeah, it's still vibrating beneath you. And a voice from inside goes, oh, I have no desire to be beaten up by that little one. What would you have me do? We're trying to get into the prison you work in, because one of our friends might be in there, but

We also don't really want to cause too much trouble, right, guys? Let's keep it nice and calm. Oh, no. Yeah, we're just trying to get in and out. Yeah, again, we're peaceful people. He's innocent. We're just trying to get an innocent man out of the prison that you guys guard, you know? I don't care about the innocence of the person, but just what do you want me to do? Could you maybe just, like, draw us a big old map of the jail so we can have that?

Maybe you could describe it to the sketch artist and then they could whip us up a nice map of the jail. She spends the next five minutes explaining to the goblin what this place looks like and she describes it. So basically the way that the map of this place works is there's basically three big sections. There's the ground floor, there is the underground, and then there is the above ground panopticons.

And Panopticon is just a bunch of cells in a big circular arrangement with an elevator that goes through the middle of it. Every couple of floors, there's a guard tower, so they can always be looking at the inmates. It's like Guardians of the Galaxy, do you remember? I think they bust out of Panopticon. Sure. In a level one, there is the entrance and the exit to the prison. There are three separate security checkpoints that lead into the prison. There is a password door where you need to know the password. There is a weapon detector beyond the password door that will extract weapons from you that are unauthorized.

And then the third checkpoint is a gate that will only open if someone has the mark of security on their hand. That's the southernmost entrance into the prison. On the west side, there's a chute leading down to the ocean that comes from the incinerator. So there are a bunch of one-way doors that you put a cart inside on a track. The cart gets filled with trash. The cart moves through one of the one-way doors, gets incinerated. It moves through another one of the one-way doors. Is this just the thing from The Rock? Yeah, I was going to say it sounds like The Rock. I mean, I knew at the moment. Oh shit, is it? I didn't even think about that. Yeah.

Wait, really? You independently came up with the thing from The Rock? I assumed you were doing The Rock because you said somebody escaped this prison. I was like, oh, like Sean Connery. Oh, weird. No, I guess I should watch The Rock again. It's never a bad time to re-watch The Rock. Yeah, you should. Oh, I thought you were referencing The Rock, too. No, I was definitely. Not intentionally. Wow, it like wormed its way into your subconscious. Yeah. So anyway, it incinerates the trash three times in three separate chambers that the door closes behind them.

It dumps the trash out. And then the cart that was used to dump the trash into the ocean goes on a little trail that leads back to the south entrance that I just described with the three checkpoints. And then one of the guards will take that cart back inside, which is now charred and no longer has junk in it.

Level negative one is beneath ground. And that is the first block of the most dangerous prisoners in the prison. Additionally, there is a big blank spot on the map that a door leads to. But the guard says, I don't even know what's in there. They tell us never to go in there, but it seemingly is very important. So there's a big question mark on there, but that's on level minus one. And then a level minus two, there is just one big room underneath.

And the lady says, I'll never go down there because it's detrimental to one's health, one might say. But yeah, there's stuff that goes down there. The worst of the worst, the life sentence, folks. You don't want to go down there. Look, look, we don't think he's in there correctly. Is there any way to locate him and maybe talk to someone and let them know that it's a mistake? And we don't even have to do any of this espionage or sneaking in. Give me a persuasion with, let's say, disadvantage because you're asking him to do something pretty insane.

I took all y'all's luck. I got a 15 and a 14 plus two. So I got 16 with disadvantage. Okay. So she says, so there's the warden is there and I could try to take you to meet the warden, but I can't. We'd love that. We love networking. Any chance to sort of exchange face time with anybody. We just love it. Remember we do own a castle, but we weren't lying about that part.

And we would have paid you too, also, by the way. You really fucked up. I thought you just dropped five gold on several drawings. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Maybe I made a mistake. But yeah, I suppose I could try to take you in and go talk to the warden, but I can't promise that the other guards will be amenable to the idea that the warden won't immediately try to throw you into a cell. But hey, I could get you into his office at least. Well, if he throws us into a cell, these pictures are going to go up all over this town. So gross.

My whole brand is how cool I am. She would have to do a YouTuber video. Can I just ask, just because I'm curious, what's your deal? Like, I thought there was going to be like a full humanoid person in that guard suit. Like, what's your style? Like, what are you about? I'm a pudding. You're a pudding. Oh my God, you're pudding? Wrong accent. Is a race...

I'm a pudding. There are warrior puddings and there are healer puddings and then they're just sort of like nine to five. You call that shagging? Oh, God. Yeah, no, I'm just a little pudding who's just trying to make some money in the world and I don't have a lot of abilities, but we work for very cheap and we're very hard to kill because we just multiply. So you only got to hire us once and then you can split us into two and the other two that are chittering at each other go...

In agreement. Yeah, we're just all basically the same mind, split into a bunch of pieces and put into armor because it's cheap because you only pay one way or two. Wow. Why did you tell us that you got paid super well? You got offered a good job and now you just told me you work for nothing. That's called negotiation, bruv. What do you expect? This is very off-putting. Well, geez, it feels like this whole thing was a pretty big...

misunderstanding. I feel like we can all come to an arrangement. Maybe what we can do is we can disguise ourselves as guards and you can get us in and, you know, tell everyone that we're cool and we can go see about getting our friend out of there. It just seems like we got a lot of leverage here. Why are we putting ourselves like, like if Han Solo in that movie, like had actuality,

to get in there already and like had guards on his side. I don't know if he would put Chewbacca as like... Had sensitive photos of the other stormtroopers. Yeah, it feels like we got photos. It feels like we got a way in. The problem we had was not having a way in, but like we got Castle. You can't apologize for your post. We got Castle. We got money. We got a guard that will vouch for us and say anything we want. We got all the ingredients to take a better shot at what we try to do here and like go in there and act like Richa Castle...

money hoarding folks saying like, Hey, Warden, like we got to pay for it to get something out of here. Like a warden's got it. They're going to want some money. Like we got everything we need. We got leverage. We got reputation. We got money. Let's just, uh, let's just do what rich people do and go get what we want.

A couple of things. First, Daryl, I haven't seen Star Trek, so I don't get what you were talking about. Second, you know, even if we get in there and talk to the warden, the main thing is that Glenn got falsely accused, according to what you all said, and that something with the justice system was wrong. I mean, maybe we should try and convince the warden of that. See what his response is, instead of just barging in there thinking that we know everything about this place, because I actually, I don't know anything about this place.

Speaking the language of business is a fine and difficult skill. And I feel pretty confident in my abilities to maybe parlance some language with the word in himself.

That said, if we're not dealing with a regular dude, if we're dealing with a really fucked up madman, somebody who's taken our friend Glenn and made him not what a D.A.D. He like covers his mouth so that Nicholas doesn't hear. Then we might be dealing with something that's even beyond my incredible powers of business. And we might need to get.

A little criminal. I'm down with that, but we'll all be together. We can get down with that. I think the main thing here is we're going into a prison, so let's try to not get ourselves arrested, right? I mean, we haven't done anything wrong except beat you all up. You're okay with that, right, miss? I'm just saying that we should have a plan A and plan B.

Plan A, talk to the warden and then see if we can just fix the entire systemic injustice of this entire prison. And then if that doesn't work, then... I think plan A is going to work because, you know, we've got a friend here and I look back to the guard. You can guarantee a safe passage out, right? If things go a little awry. I'll try my best. Great. Thanks for joining the team. Shake her hand in a very final way.

We cut to all of you aboard a barge, which is, again, four fairies holding hands, just going, and just getting a pump while they just lift you up and then lower you back down, lift you up and lower you back down as they're flying to Meth Bay Correctional Facility.

And they drop you down in front of the password door. And you see that the password door is a very large door with lips and eyes and a nose. It is a size of a wall and it spans between two huge wrought iron gates that raise up 30 feet into the sky. And it says, password. Piss word? Piss. Okay, so you say piss word and the door goes, who is this?

Who's speaking to me in such a manner? And the guard that you met said, oh, I brought people to see the warden. The door goes, it's highly unusual. Roll for persuasion. And the guard does...

And the guard passes. And he goes, no, no, no, it's going to be very lucrative for all of us, I assure you. They have a castle. They have Book Castle. And the door goes, oh, Book Castle. Oh, my goodness. Oh, it's so good. It's so stylish and elegant. So books, so castle. It's so books.

That's the travel poster. So books. So castle. And it's Nathan Fillion holding up both sides. I love books as like the new word for cooler rad. It's like, man, that new game is so books. So it's like a Henry O'Neill dad. So the guard leans in and says, the password is prison is books. And the door goes, entry accepted. And the fucking door opens. It like splits up. Prison is books is the passphrase.

The door splits down the middle and she goes, ah! And the face just splits in half and like tendons. Oh my gosh. And then the door slams shut behind you with a squoosh. And then you see a large gelatinous cube in front of you. And the cube says, step into me and your weapons will be removed. Ah!

What happens if we don't step into you? Do we keep our weapons? Loophole, motherfucker. The guard turns to you and goes, they'll sound the alarm if you don't step into the cube and lose your weapons. And the gelatinous cube is just coming towards you. So it's now or never. Are you going to accept this or are you going to fight it? Henry steps forward and is like, all right. Okay, yeah. I...

Yes. So just make sure you don't give them your family paperweight. He winks at the gun because they don't know what guns are in this world. That's not bad. And Mr. I've counted the cool pebbles in my cargo shorts and there better be seven of them when I get through this.

So you step into the gelatinous cube and you feel safer than you've ever felt in your entire life. It's like you're back in the womb, this warm gelatinous substance just all over your body. And you feel your weapons lightly lifted out of your pockets. The cool pebbles come out and then they twirl in the air and then go back into your pockets. So you still have seven as you step through the other side. JK, there were seven bullets, Anthony. Nice. No, they were pebbles. The coolest pebbles.

Guard walks through, the sword rotates, is examined, and then handed back to her, and she steps through on the other side. Now what? I just go, well, this is protocol, everyone. Gotta follow it. And I just walk right in. Your paperweight begins to float out of your pocket, and the Latin's keep goes, what is the nature of this paperweight? This could be a bludgeoning implement. No, no, it's to keep my pants down. My friend...

Ron over here loves pants. Yeah, it's like, you know, sometimes it gets hiked up, you know, when it's way too tight. It's got that elastic that wants to get onto the wrong part of your stomach. So it's pushing my pants down instead of pulling them up, you know? For every belt, there is an anti-belt. All right, roll deception.

I rolled a 12. It goes, nice try. Fancy bounce is a stupid idea. I just made that up when I started talking to you. That's nothing. Gimme. It subsumes the gun and it rises up inside of its mass and it floats all the way to the top of its gelatinous cubist structure, which is like nine feet tall. Only a fool would take away from this.

Han's razor sharp business cards. Do you keep a journal though? Oh, this knife. I know it looks like a knife, but it's actually a quill because I keep a diary. I mean a journal. Proception with disadvantage. This guy's supposed to be like, why are they lying so much? At the weapon checkpoint. They really want to keep their weapons. Imagine the TSA line.

Well, they're probably still safe to go on the plane. They lied about four different plat bits.

I got a 12. He goes, okay, so clearly this is some sort of jailbreak attempt. You guys are very bad at convincing people to think so. Alert. We have a castle. We don't need a jailbreak castle. People with castles don't need jailbreaks. Book castle. I've heard of it. All he hears is three weird armed people screaming about castles as the alarms start blaring and you see...

A stream of guards come in from the third checkpoint ahead of you. The door opens with a blue shimmer. I'm their prisoner. I'm their prisoner. I'm the strong one. I'm their prisoner. Oh, my God. Now you're our prisoner, Daryl. Now you're the prisoner. A sea of guards comes at you, batons whirling, and they fucking hit you really, really hard. You all drop to the ground, and everything goes black. What's the knight's name, though?

The knight's name? Oh, shit. What did I say it was? Okay, I'll be like, hey, what's your name? She goes, my name is Carrie. Carrie Elwes. And that's from Braxton Walden. Hey, Carrie, you can put in a good word with these people for us, right? LAUGHTER

So we once again return to the interior of the Meth Bay Supermax Correctional Facility, where Glenn Close has spent a year. What he thinks is a year. What he believes to be a year. Working out a whole lot of muscle groups. So here's what I'm going to do. Last time I presented to you the idea that you have three actions per quote unquote day, which I ruthlessly refrained to reveal that was actually three actions a year. That's so jacked up, Anthony. Yeah, I was not being forthcoming with you. That's bad GM'smanship.

because whatever you end up doing for this year has the built-in downside of it takes a year. I'm not going to decree for you how many years you have. You can just keep spilling out the actions that you want to do, and it'll just take as long as it takes. So if you want to say, I want to keep getting jacked until I level up in strength, and that takes, you know, three years of rolling or whatever, like, cool, we're good. I see. So you're making it a variable amount of time here.

here. I don't know how much it's costing me, but I can spend however I wish. It is roughly going to go three actions to a year. So if you want to go hog wild. This is the montage section in the Prison Break movie. This is exactly that. First action. As you know, Glenn's a rock and roll superstar. Yes. I want to just channel powerful hair metal 80s Ibanez slinging heavy rock band that's ever been and just start headbanging

as hard as I possibly can for as long as I can in the hopes that this will loosen whatever's covering my eyes. Go ahead and give me a roll for athletics. I'd say with advantage because you are a rock and roll kind of guy.

Seven plus four, 11. Roll two is a natural 20 plus four, bitch. Okay, with a natural 20, the pure rocking momentum of your head banging, of your ability to give yourself and then ungive yourself. And I'm not even dizzy. Not even dizzy. The muscles on your forehead become so strong and so dexterous that you can just by furrowing your brow, you can force the blindfold off.

up onto your head and then force it back down again. Like some full on mega mind, Will Ferrell forehead action. Okay. You can flex and then the blindfold comes off and you can see your surroundings. And you are in a room that is not pitch black. It is lit by torches along the walls, but it's pretty dark and it's pretty dank. And you're alone in this room. There's one set of stairs leading upward and you can see, actually give me an arcana roll.

That's going to be a 10 plus 3, 13. Okay, so with a 13, you can't make out the specifics of what's going on, but you can tell there's some sort of magical effect on the top of the stairway. It's some sort of like threshold that you can feel the magical energy's

emanating from. There's something separating your floor from something else. Now, I'm still ball gagged, right? You're not ball gagged. You have a Hannibal Lecter mask on. Can I just say that Hannibal Lecter would not have been as effective in that movie if he was BDSM ball gagged? Oh,

don't know if that's true. I don't know if the image of Anthony Hopkins with a ball gag is drastically less intimidating than him with a hockey mask on. Yeah, but he can't bite with a ball gag. Here's the thing. There's a moment where he takes off the mask that's like gross because he's smiling or whatever. I think that moment is a thousand times more sinister if he's like and like removes the ball gag from his mouth beforehand.

My question is, can I speak and cast spells? I guess I could try to cast a spell, see what happens. Now, to remember, you were instructed that you not talk or else they would hurt you, but you have not tried to do so yet. I want to investigate for any, like, creatures, rats, insects, anything like that. Go ahead and give me either perception or investigation. That is a 9 plus 3, 12. That is enough to tell that there are definitely rats scurrying about the ground. There's a little hole you can see in the far corner of the room. They come out every once in a while. They...

up to the bricks next to you. And then if some of the goblin blood spills from your lips and goes into the mortar work of the bricks beneath you on the floor, they lick it up and then back into their little hovel. This is from my ventriloquism courses that I took online, University of Phoenix. I'm going to do a cantrip here called message. Point your finger towards a creature within range and whisper a message. The target and only the target hears the message and can reply in a whisper that only you can hear. So I'm going to try and whisper to a rat like, hey, sup?

If the rat's moving and then all of a sudden it stops and then it turns to you and it goes. And then I pump my fist because that just confirmed to me that magic still works in this environment. And I'm going to burn some time doing squats to wait for another feeding session. Give me an athletics roll. 15 plus 4, 19. That's two points on your squats. You're now at four squats. You only need six more and you're complete on that one. Nice.

And I guess a feeding session happens, right? So I'm going to keep my blindfold up and I want to really pay attention to when this person comes in. Like what is the sequence of this person coming in specifically? Okay. You're going to have to roll dexterity to get the blindfold back on you when they get into the point where they would notice that it's up. You hear what sounds like an object being inserted into a lock and then a turning. And then you hear what sounds to be like a deeper noise, like a similar sound to a key turning in a lock, but it's deeper and it's got like a magical ting to it.

And then you hear the door opening. You see light begin to spill in from the top of the stairs. And the person comes in holding a smoothie in one hand. It's basically a person in a large suit of armor with a slit for its visor. You basically can't see the person itself, but they're pretty damn big. They're like Daryl size. Is the smoothie in like a little Starbucks holder, you know, with spots for four of them? You know, but that's what it is. They have a Starbucks holder and then three of them are empty. And then there's one that's full.

And they turn around and close the door behind them with a ka-chunk. You could hear both locks engaging. Important question for fire code reasons. Does that door swing open towards me or away from me? It opens towards you. So then technically there's a space behind the door then as well. Yeah, there's a little alcove behind the door. Is there any space above the door? Yeah, there's a little archway of stone where one could presumably hide, I guess.

It would be tricky because you're right above somebody. And it's like one of those things in ninja movies where it's like, oh, the guy was right above him. He didn't see him. It's like, yeah, but people have some degree of situational awareness that if something feels off about the temperature of the room, they could look up pretty easily. So like you would have to do a check if you were there, but there's definitely space to hide there. They're right before the magical barrier that I spoke of earlier. And they sort of go...

And they step through it and they like twitch a little bit as they go through and they begin to descend the stairs. So now roll, I guess, dexterity or sleight of hand. We can pretend it's sleight of forehead. Sleight of forehead. See if you can get the blindfold down before they notice that you've pushed up.

Oh no, four plus five, nine. Oh shit. So the guard comes down and they see that the blindfold is off and they go, you instructed to not speak, to not look, to not do anything unless you were told to. And you contravened those laws. Now that they're close, I want to investigate like just their whole being. Do they have keys on them? Like just want to get a good sense of, is there anything I can pick up from this person in front of me now?

That's a 13 plus three, 16. So you can see that the person in front of you has a sword. You can see that what's inside the visor is basically pure darkness. You can't see anything inside of there. And then around its neck looks to be, it almost looks like a doorknob, but it's made out of wood and stone and it's got these arcane runes etched onto them. And as your eyes drift toward this doorknob looking thing around its neck, the guard says,

Oh, there are some things you should not say, my son. And there are some lessons that are going to have to be learned the hard way. And the guard takes their sword out and grabs you by the head and then takes the point of it and begins to shove it into your left eye and is beginning to poke out your left eye with the lightning sword. Yeah.

I guess you have... This is hella cool. Okay, I was going to say you have a chance to stop it, but if the last thing you say before the guard pokes out one of your eyes... Wait, you're telling me I'm going to have an eye patch after this? Dude, I'm going to sell so many more Christmas albums. Are you kidding? Listen, it's important to stay positive when you're in a Count of Monte Cristo scenario. You know what I mean? Sure. Okay. So while you're thinking about how cool it's going to be to get an eye patch, the sword just...

right into your eyeball and the electricity around the sword that crackles thankfully kind of cauterizes the wound quickly. And on the one hand, it means that you're not going to bleed out too much. On the other hand, it means it hurts 10 times more and you feel your eyeball just deflate. Like your left eyeball is just not there anymore. You feel something warm running down your cheek. That is...

is the price of disobedience, eh? And then shoves the blindfold back down. And then the guard goes, also, and then you hear a sipping noise. You hear somebody just drinking, just, and they go,

dinner served and then they toss the empty cup down on the ground and you get them stomped back up the stairs, open the door, slam the door behind them. So you're going to have disadvantage on like most I related to like next time you shoot your gun, you're going to have to probably either roll with disadvantage. Oh shit. No, no, no. Here's what we'll do because he

human beings are one eye dominant, right? Yeah. So here's what we're going to do. Let's roll a D2 and see if they got my dominant eye. Okay. Or I got lucky and it's my non-dominant eye. Evens as they popped your dominant, odds as they popped your non-dominant. Rolling a D20 and I get a nine. So they got your non-dominant eye. You were right eye dominant. So your ability to aim a gun because you would close one eye anyway is basically not harmed. You should.

By the way, real quick, you should keep both eyes open. Situational awareness is very important when you're shooting a gun. That's what we'll do when it comes to perception, when it comes to situational awareness situations, periphery, that's when you'll get disadvantage on stuff. So I want to try and work on my restraints now to see if I can get out of my restraints.

So I shuffle my blindfold off and I'd like to do a quick investigation on the nature of my arm restraints and my leg restraints, please. Okay. And this is from a guy who's watched a lot of the lockpicking lawyer on YouTube, Fosney and Bill, like really deep prior to this trip, really deep into lockpicking YouTube. Yes. You can see that basically you have shackles

on your arms and legs. Okay. Give me a perception roll. 19 plus 3, 22. Great. You can tell that the shackle on your left wrist, the bit connecting to the chain is more worn away than the bit on your, like the shackle on your right wrist looks new. The shackle on your left wrist seems kind of old and maybe a little bit brittle. So there's no locking mechanism on this.

No, yeah, the assumption was that if you're down here, you're not getting out of there until your body is frail enough to just be easily removed from the manacles. Yeah, but that's never going to happen because I'm working out, you know what I'm saying? Sure. One thing I noticed is that when this person came in and when I get fed, they don't check my restraints. They seem to be pretty confident that they are set. Mm-hmm.

And as you said last time, my hands are apart. I can't scratch my face. I can't scratch my butt. Nope. I'm going to try to muscle out my left arm. Are you trying to break the chain? Are you trying to like worm your arm out of the manacle and like maybe break it? Let me try strength. Okay. Give me a strength check. That's a three.

So yeah, you could do it. It's just going to take it years and years if you want to do it. And you can do it. And also, let me just try warming my hand out. Okay. What is that? Sleight of hand, maybe? Yeah, definitely give me sleight of hand. 16 plus 5, 21. Okay. Could tell that given long enough, certainly less time than it would take to break the manacle itself, you could probably...

you know, sort of pull and sort of slide your hand through the manacle. It is almost certainly going to break one or more fingers in the process, but you could do it. It'll just take again years, but fewer years than just working on that stuff with your strength. So also I'm going to say everything that you just did, trying to pull on the manacles, trying to slide your hand on the manacles and then working your head banging so hard that you can use your forehead muscles independently. That feels like a year right there. Yes. I'm going to continue to try to pull my hand out. Okay. So give me another sleight of hand roll.

17 total, 12 plus five. Okay, so with the 17, that'll be two points. And again, you're trying to get 10. Once you've gotten to 10, your hand will be free. And you can just keep doing this over and over if you want to. Where's my body at? So you've got four on squats, three on core, two on chest, and two on arms. And all of them need to be at 10. How would all of them be at 10?

I also argue that if I'm doing squats and I'm going down and I'm like, I can also be, you know, I mean, like I can multitask. OK, so we think squats and core are the same. No, I'm saying I'm multitasking my hand out and also work on my fucking. Sure, sure, sure. OK, go ahead and give me a role for sleight of hand and a role for athletics.

For whatever exercise you want to do, you can do that in tandem with you trying to worm your weight out of this thing. All right. Here's the thing about Glenn. Glenn's just never going to skip leg day. I'm going to be doing squats. I'm trying to pull my hand out every time. So I'm going to do that. So only squats in your hand? Yeah. What's wrong with that? No, it's fine. It just means I'm going to... No, because one, it's going to help me in so many... Dude, I'm going to be able to divert my jump. Like there's going to be so many things just...

Okay, what that means then is if you get your legs to 10, then we'll treat your strength as plus one for leg related things specifically. Yeah, for leg related things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's fair. Okay. Athletics, 13 plus four, 17. Okay, so that's two more points here at six for your squats. Sleight of hand, six plus five, 11. That's plus one, so you're at three for your hand. You have one more action and then another you'll have passed. Fucking hell.

I'm going to do this again. Okay. And the whole time, I'm thinking of my son. Does that give me a bonus? Well, he's not your son anymore, so no. How fucking dare you? Sorry. Athletics, 21. Woo! That did give me a bonus, bitch. It did. That's nine to your squats. You're only one point away from getting a plus one strength when it comes to squat-related activities. And that's live hand, eight plus five, 13. Another one, so you're at four for your hand. Another year goes by where Glenn Close spends...

all his time doing essentially nothing other than squatting and going and trying to worm his hand out of a manacle. This means that also my left arm is going to be pretty strong. My left shoulder fucking rules. Yeah, I'm going to increase your arms by two. So your arms are at four now, even though it's only on one side. God, I fucking this is what's been missing from this podcast. This number bullshit.

So yeah, for a year straight, the rat that you asked what's up to, every day it comes in and tries to lick up a little bit of that blood off of the ground. And every day it notices that your legs are getting a little bit firmer and a little bit larger. And then your arm that you yank towards yourself in an attempt to weasel it out of the manacle is getting a little bit more jacked specifically around the shoulder, just the left shoulder.

It's sort of looking at you and it cocks its head. For the first six months, it's unsure what you're doing. And then six more months later, as you begin to make a little bit more progress, as your legs begin to get really jacked, like veins are now showing through your pants. Like it's just they're bulging out enough that you can see them. I'm so vascular.

D&D truly is a power fantasy. You can't really tell because you can't speak rat, but it comes out. Its head moves up and down as you do your squats, almost like it's watching you in admiration or it's cheering you on. But yeah, another ear goes by. It's hypnotized by my power. Another birthday cake-flavored smoothie is shoved into your face and sucked down by you before the guard heads back up. So keep going. I'm going to do squats and a pull one more time. All right.

5 plus 4, 9 on the athletics. That's fine. That's one point that still gets you there. So your legs are now powerful enough that it's plus 1 strength when you do leg stuff. Now here's the thing, Anthony. Something that you've neglected to understand...

Like a game of chess, Anthony. I'm one move ahead. This is some Queen's Gambit shit right here. I haven't even seen that show, but what you've neglected to realize, my DM friend, is squats is the most powerful exercise known to man.

I do a little hop and now I balance myself so that my legs are on the wall. Ooh, okay. I buy that. Sure. And now using the power of my squats, I'm

I push away from the wall and strain my left arm. Okay, so what we'll do then is we'll give you a double roll for one action on your left arm. Give me an athletics roll to use your squat power, and it'll be whatever the modifier is is plus one because of your legs. That's 11 plus four plus one, that's 16. So you're going to get two rolls on the sleight of hand to try to get your arm out of that thing, and it'll only take one action. Cool, that was a two plus five, seven.

And then a 17 plus 5, 22. Oh, wow, 22. Okay, you are now up to eight. You have one action left in this year. I'm going to do the same thing. Go ahead and give me that athletics roll. That athletics gives me a 14 plus 4, 18. Great. Three plus five, eight. Five plus five, 10. Okay, so the final thing you do, you jump up, plant your legs horizontally on the wall so you basically look like you're Superman with his arms chained to the wall. As you thrust forward with your incredibly strong legs,

mammalian legs. And after a year straight of doing this, every single moment that you're not sucking down the goblin blood smoothies or sleeping every single hour of every single day of every single month of the year, you are horizontal on this wall, just, just using all the aggression you can. And finally you feel your hand, your

and it slips through. And your thumb and your pinky are broken, but it's a small price to pay for feeling the air hit your wrist in a way that it hasn't in like five years or four years or however the hell long you've been here. It's hard to tell at this point. But your hand is free now. So now finally with my hand free, I touch myself.

Again, your thumb and your pinky are broken, so I don't know how enjoyable this experience is going to be. No, no, no. By that, I mean I cast a fourth level spell. Okay. Called Freedom of Movement. You touch a willing creature for the duration the target's movement is unaffected by difficult terrain, blah, blah, blah. The target can also spend five feet of movement to automatically escape from non-magical restraints.

Such as manacles? Are you fucking kidding me? Or a creature that has it grappled? Are you fucking kidding me? This is the thing that's... So Dungeons & Dragons just has a spell that's like, nah, that's the spell is like, uh-uh. What the fuck? I mean, like, you could fuck with me and say that they're magical restraints, but... They're not magical restraints. I would have told you. You would have been able to sense it with an arcana check. No, they're literally just manacles. So no, you could absolutely use that on yourself. So I am the willing creature here. Yes, yes.

and I touch myself. Okay. And now I will spend five feet of movement, a standard D&D action, to automatically escape from non-magical restraints, motherfucker! Okay. Actually, you described to me, what does it feel like? What happens? Do you just go through them? Do all of your limbs suddenly just whoop? No, I think in this case, I look and I'm like, oh, there was a button I could press to open these, and I just press the button. Great. And then all the mandicles pop open, and you can walk forward. And the rat who's been watching you this entire time, you hear its little rat hands just go...

As it applauds you. I hold my hand. I'm like, you coming with me, bro? Oh, it immediately climbs up your arm and it just sits on your, on your extremely buff left shoulder. All right. With,

With my rat friend, I'm going to go run up to the door and then examine that area, that portico up top. There's space enough for especially with your jacked ass legs for you to like do the thing where you push against the sides of the walls with your legs and your arms fully extended to sort of keep yourself suspended there. You could definitely stay above the door for a more or less indeterminate period of time if you wanted to.

I'm now also going to cast a sixth level spell. Holy shit. This sixth level spell, which I am so glad I prepared last year, not knowing that I would end up in prison. It's called...

Programmed illusion. Okay. I create an illusion of an object, a creature, or some other visible phenomenon within the range that activates when a specific condition occurs. The illusion is imperceptible until then, no larger than a 30-foot cube, and I decide when I cast a spell how the illusion behaves and what sounds it makes. This scripted performance can last up to five minutes. Oh, okay. How this kind of works is that

As the illusion, I want to kill all the lights in the room. Okay. All the torches. And then I want the illusion to basically be I'm throwing my voice all the way down there. Okay. And then it's going to trigger when the door opens and...

It's going to be sounding like me from down there being like, hey, yeah, that's right. I'm talking. Your food sucks and you suck. Why don't you come down here and punish me, daddy? OK, where are you going to be hiding while this above the door of the door? OK, so when that door opens, they hear the sound of you going, hey, hey, your food sucks. They slammed the door shut and they begin to run down the stairs.

saying, no talking, what else? No talking. I'm going to drop down quietly and then obviously I'm going to at least try the door. I don't think it's going to work. Yeah, door is locked. Go ahead and roll stealth to see if you made noise by trying the door. You know what's funny about this is

You would think that I would be very loud because of just the amount of density dropping onto the ground. But with a 13 plus seven stealth, which is a natural 20. Wow. So, yeah, no, you make no noise, but no, the door does not open. They're running around downstairs trying to see what happened to you. And they grab the knob around their neck and they begin to murmur something into it. I'm going to cast banishment.

I'm going to attempt to send one creature that I see within range to another plane of existence. Okay. The target must succeed on charisma saving throw or be banished. Okay. So they got, they got a three. So you pointed this person who is holding the key out of this room and

And you banish them to another plane of existence. So you're saying the whole suit of armor, because like there's something in the suit of armor, though. I know that the suit of armor is not hurt, right? Like the creature. So you're arguing that every single time banishment is used in Dungeons and Dragons, the person should immediately leave a pile of its

clothes and all of its stuff behind yes that's the argument you're making absolutely all right i'm gonna yes absolutely because it says they send one creature you can see okay i'm googling dungeons and dragons banishment does it take their equipment all right banishment and held objects or beings

Does just their body or does their equipment go as well? If it worked like that, it would specify that worn items are not transported. It is implied that worn and carried items are taken with you when you teleport anywhere. So what? OK, fine. All right. So what happens is, yes, the man who's like whispering into this knob, whatever you do to banish him, he goes, and then immediately folds into five dimensional space and then disappears along with the key out of this cell. I look at the rat. I'm like, well, shit. Ha ha ha.

It's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life. Even if you die, it'll be alright. It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, cause that's just life. All you do is try, it'll be alright.

Dungeons and Daddies is...

Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to Max Tague, Justin Wu, Michelle Grace, Eva Wang, Sterling Rickabaw, and Braxton Walden who contributed names and locations we used in this episode. And also special thanks to PNG on our Discord for some technical help.

help on D&D Beyond. Those people are all Patreon supporters and so are these people who are getting shouted out right now. Jessica L. Christensen, Ian Darwin, Amy Irving, Logan Bilodeau, Harrison Nelson, Firewall, David Adams, Kent M., Ava Dan Ackerson, Mads R., Daryl Holiday II, Kira, JB Harvey, Claybert, Miguel Gata Jr. Thank you so much, folks. We've been posting some cool episode extras on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. This week we had the

Glenn Close workout motivational mixtape. Beth also created a little workout video to help you all get swole. That's for free for your enjoyment. But if you want more, it's over there on our Patreon page. Bonus episodes, bonus content, behind the scenes, after show, you name it. We got it. No, that's not true. You can see the list of stuff. We changed up the tiers recently. So if you haven't checked it out in a while, head on over, have a look.

Support the show directly on Patreon. It's at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. If you're looking for other ways to support the podcast, good news. We got a listener survey we've created to help us plan out this year. And hold on. I think you're a listener. You can help us out with that by checking out bit.ly slash 2021 dads. That's 2 0 2 1 D A D S lowercase dads.com.

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Make sure we keep that part where Freddie for suddenly cares about the rules just because it's Jimmy play. I want my brother having fun that I'm not a part of. You know, Jimmy's a great guy. He's like a great member of the team, but like he wasn't as good on the rules as the rest of us. And ultimately.

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