Ep. 49 - Contact
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Sliders! Sliders!

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. No longer a thrilling courtroom drama. No, this is actually a D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons, along with their good friend, Glenn. Thanks, I hate it. My name is Jimmy Wong. I hate it. And I play the fictional character Jodie Foster, but you can just call him Joe. Ha ha ha!

Joe is a... You call him what? Joe. Joe. Joe for short. Joe for short. That's very good. Joe is a fun-loving, open, and emotionally available highway cop turned paladin in the Forgotten Realms. Cop. He's a cop. He's a cop.

Joe's dad fact, when Nick was a wee lad and he had to, you know, get his normal vaccinations. So he put Nick on his lap and Joe was also terrified his needles as a kid. So what he did, he told the doctor to give him a fake vaccination in his arm and then put a bandage over it. And so so Joe was like playing it up and like, oh, he winced a little bit. But then he was showing Nick like, look, it's OK to show that hurt, too. So when Nick got his vaccination, he was like really proud because he didn't think it hurt at all. And he was like, oh, my dad's got to be a wimp.

And Joe is actually still terrified of needles, but he didn't look when his kid got the shot. Honestly, good riddance to Glenda. Wow. Sounds like Joe. Turns out the mourning period is exactly one week, as long as that week is Christmas. Oh, boy. I'm predicting a lot of those memes with the boyfriend distracted in our future with Jodi and Glenn. Yes.

Oh man, I'm so thrown off by just this whole new energy of Jimmy coming in here. Jimmy, can you do a Jodie Foster impression? And do you know that I'm really good at doing like a Jodie Foster impression? I really want to hear yours. I feel like with that pretense, I cannot do my own. I must hear yours in an attempt to mimic it.

That's the most roundabout way. The worst part is that I'm actually not like, I can't do like full sentences, but I can do like either. So you can't do a good Jodie Foster impression. Give us a line. I guess I'll just stop now. Okay. But yeah, like big Jodie Foster impersonator over here when I'm always like. Let's hear it. Let's hear a line. Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter.

Oh my gosh. My favorite scene is in contact when she's getting dropped in the ball and she's just like, okay.

it's going and the whole time that's not a good Jodie Foster impression because I'm not that Jodie Foster I'm just Joe just Joe Foster wait is it Joe D Foster letter D I haven't decided that honestly it could be Joe first name D for something well Jodie is a man's name like there's guys that go by Jodie right yeah yeah yeah it's all with a Y it's also the I think the military slang for the guy that's having sex with your wife while you're overseas yeah

Oh, interesting. Hey, everybody. This is Matt Arnold. I think I'm so thrown off. Hi, Jimmy. Welcome to the podcast. My name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering the Forgotten Realms. Yeah, I had some thoughts for a dad fact. I was going to maybe do a whole new theme because it was so nice to not have to think about them with the senses, but I don't. So here we go. In honor of the new year, this is a nice and simple one.

Daryl and Carol's favorite game is they compete in who can, I think this is the right term, who can hotbox each other the most. They both like farting. What? They are a farting couple. Dutch oven? Dutch oven. Carol is the absolute queen of it. Always beats Daryl. Waits for him to get clean right out of the shower. Daryl likes to sleep naked. Gets in there. Bam. It's ready to go. And yeah, let's just say that happens a lot on tax day, if you know what I mean. Oh, no.

it's part of their boudoir play oh no my goal this year is to make daryl dirtier than henry by the end of this season that's the sweetest their relationship has ever sounded to me honestly like that version of carol and daryl i'm like oh i hope they don't get divorced that's they seem sweet at their divorce court it'll be who smelt it and who dealt it oh boy it'll probably be amiable probably want to go to court

My cat just bit me. Okay, he didn't like the joke either. All right, go Will. Hello, I'm Will Campos, podcaster. I play the fictional character Henry Oak on the podcast Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. What can we say about Henry? He's crunchy and munchy. He's a hippie nature druid dad, originally from the Forgotten Realms.

Little New Year's dad fact for Henry. In addition to New Year's resolutions at the Oak household, they also do what they call New Year's your darn tootin's. That's a theme. It's not fart related. It's you write down one nice thing to say to yourself about yourself.

And then you look at it on New Year's and you say, you're darn tootin'. And then you've got this nice little compliment and you keep it with yourself the whole year round. And then you look at it in hard times and you look at the nice thing you wrote and then you say, you're darn tootin'. Damn. That's nice. I like that. Yeah. Yeah.

I like your version of tootin' much better than Matt's. Yeah, I hate fart jokes. I just like hate, like somebody could give me like the rowdiest sex joke, like the most inappropriate, just like not okay. And I'm like, yeah, that's funny. But like fart jokes, I'm like, no. That's not a fart joke. They just like farting with each other. Okay, I'm done. I'm done. Is it that you find them gross or you just find them boring?

No, I find them gross. Yeah. Wow. No, actually, you know what it is? We can unpack this like later. But like, I think that farting is like disrespectful in a way that other things are not. So a well-timed fart is not funny to you. No. That's a real fart hang up. Now I really want to re-edit that scene in Silence of the Lambs that makes just farts at her. Well, no, this isn't. Okay. Anyway, New Year. You said I could smell my fart. You said you could smell my fart.

Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter. That's a full sentence. That's a good impression. What did I eat? Dr. Lecter. I ate something. My stomach, Dr. Lecter. Okay, so New Year, new me. This is, okay. Hello. My name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather in Rogue. Fun fact about Ron this year is that Ron often makes New Year's resolutions for

But most of the time, he doesn't actually follow through with them. Wow. Oh. Yeah. That's the most relatable Ron's ever been. Yeah. I think that's the aspect of Ron that he has most in common with the rest of humanity. You know? Yeah. I mean, like, sometimes he's like, oh, should I start exercising? And then he wants to. And then, you know, February rolls around. He hasn't done it. Damn, man. Damn. Am I Ron? Yeah.

My name is Freddie Wong. I play everyone's best friend and cool uncle, Glenn Close. Glenn Close is currently incarcerated at the moment, a rite of passage that all cool uncles go through when you think about it.

How did he become an uncle? I don't think the terms of the sentence wasn't you become his uncle instead of dad. It's like Uncle Kiryu. It's the honorific. No, he's still Nick's dad, goddammit. Yeah, you're his dad. Nope. Nope.

Fuck this Joe guy. Nope. Glenn's New Year's resolution is to continue fucking kicking ass 24-7, baby. That's the kind of man he is. And probably getting out of jail, too. Yeah, I was going to say maybe getting out of jail, but. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. I'm your dad. I've missed you, dad. Hey, pops. Wait, are you still Freddy's dad? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I'm everybody's dad. He's canonically everyone's dad. Okay, so that doesn't... He's everyone's dad. All right, everyone's dad, Anthony Burr. Actually, I was going to say I'm no longer Nick's granddad, but I am Nick's granddad still, just for a different son. Andrew Nick, seriously. I'm my own grandpa. You're your own grandpa, like that song. I don't do New Year's resolutions, but I'm going to put it out there. What is it called? Materializing or whatever, where you say it's like a secret... Manifesting. Manifesting, thank you. Hashtag manifesting. Joe believes in manifesting. I'm going to try to manifest something. I'm going to try to actualize something.

This will never happen, but I'm going to put it out there in the universe just in case. My ultimate dream guest spot for this show, again, it won't ever happen, but I just want you to just imagine and think about it and just enjoy it in your quiet moments. Jimmy, he's going to say Jimmy Wong. Now I have to say Jimmy Wong. Would be if we could one day somehow get Jason Sudeikis playing Ted Lasso in

in this podcast as a guest character i would be able to die so make sure that doesn't happen because then i'll you would be dead make sure that doesn't happen because then i'll have to accept that i just need to follow all of my friends television recommendations and then you have to watch ted lasso i know yeah we should do a ted lasso uh one shot that's all i'm saying

That would be fun. Oh, we could do Ted Lasso one shot. Yeah. We get points for being as positive as humanly possible. So actually my dad fact is talking to Jimmy about his character. I was like, you know, am I going to have to get in really deep to in the backstory and stuff like that? And then Jimmy was just like, I think he's a cop. And I was like, I don't have to do anything. Jimmy understands exactly what this character needs to be. This is going to be great.

The three dads and Peyton approach a campfire on the outskirts of the city of Meth Bay. And you see all of your kids, Terry Jr., Larkin Sparrow, Grant and Nicholas sitting next to a roaring fire. But there are two things you immediately notice about Nick. One, he is no longer wearing his cool kind of alt rocker kid get up. He looks kind of more like somebody who's going to a job interview at a country club.

Holy shit. And next to him is a pretty handsome, pretty beefy guy who is laughing uproariously at a joke that he seemingly just told to the young boy. Daryl is just eyes wide like a deer in headlights and looks at Glenn. I mean, he looks at, oh no, he's gone. Oh no, God, here we go. Looks at Henry and- Welcome to the Wong.

brother's whole life and run and i think he just like slowly walks over like very gingerly like he's approaching a wild animal and just kind of sits down he's like hey buddy how hey daryl yeah my name's daryl your name is why don't you say it out loud for us i just like hearing you say it buddy sure i like give like a look at nick being like what's he doing jody

What's up? I look at Henry and Ron. Ron scampers up. Hey, Ron. Hey, you guys. I know what this is. And he kind of like shoulders Jody out of the conversation. Jody is actually a family member of. Well, actually, our scam. Well, basically, I know about Jody, but you guys don't know about Jody.

So I'm right, and you guys should believe me, because last time... What a callback! Ron, I'm not Dennis. Wait, how do you know about Dennis? How do I not know about Dennis? I remember apologizing to you because it was just wrong of us to not give you any faith whatsoever, and that was like, I think just a snap character judgment that we could have been better about it, so I'm sorry if that's... Yeah, Nicholas looks at you and shrugs his polo shirt with an alligator on it, sort of like wrinkling a little bit as he does so.

And he goes, yeah, Ron, what's going on? We all had a really good sit down and a talk about the Dennis incident and how we were sorry that we doubted you. That sounds great. If that happened, do you think guys, should we call a little dad huddle? What's that?

And Henry looks up and he pretends to see something in the woods. And he goes, it sounds like something over there. Daryl leaps to his feet and pulls out an axe. What's up, Henry? What is it? Jody, can you stay and just keep an eye on the kids real quick while the three of us check this out? We'll let you know real quick if there's something out there. Come on, guys. Go, go, go, go.

go, go, go, go. I look at Walter, but like, Walter, you got this, right? Oh, bro, absolutely. You should definitely go to a dad hill. You've always been in a dad hill with them. for sure. You and Walter should keep down the court. You guys have been gone for so long. I know, but like, you know, that's why, you know, we should be the ones to go because we haven't even really sat down and warmed up by the fire yet. It's cold out there. You guys are cold. Nice. Is this about the court case? Uh,

Nick told me all about it. He said he had to testify or something and you guys are coming back. Is everything okay? We're wasting time. I pull out my other axe and I hand it to Joe and I say, Joe, just stay here. Grant, you got this. And I throw a knife to Grant. I go, let's go. And I run out in the woods. Oh, deadly force. All right, Daryl. Are you guys coming? What's out here, Henry? You said something's out here. Why are you guys still over there? I run up to Jack.

Ron, come on. We got to go. Oh, we'll be right back, Joe. So Ron and I hurry up to Daryl. So if we're talking about that guy, are we, our kids are okay with him, right? It seems like, let's keep an eye on him, but it seems like we trust him. First of all, Ron, I want to say this is not a Dennis situation. None of us know who the fuck that guy is. Yeah. Remember they said that Glenn was getting replaced by a new dad. This must be the new dad. It sounds like

He's like part of the crew now. It sounds like he's been with us the whole time a little bit. It's like a Sliders scenario. Like a what? There was a TV show called Sliders. It's one of Mercedes O. Garcia's favorites. And, you know, we would sit down and watch it sometimes. They go to like a different dimension. It's a good show. And it would be like, right? It is a good show.

And so, but they'd go and they'd be like, just like the world they left, but not quite when they came back. Because they'd slid. Sometimes dinosaurs. Somebody had slid out or slid in. Yeah. They were like, you'd slide between different dimensions. You know, I didn't really pay that much attention to the show. For me, Slider Night, I would make the vegan sliders that you probably watched sliders. So I was really mostly preoccupied by like what aioli I was going to come up with that night. So I didn't pay a lot of attention to the show. Okay, okay. I'm going to

focus what am I doing Henry I don't care about the areola right now I want to talk about Joe because so he slid into our universe but we've always been in his or he's always been in ours but we're just this is the dominant manifold of our reality so it's like he slid into our DMs

Anthony just got up and stormed out of his chair because I beat him to that joke. I knew I could go get my water because you were about to say the thing I was going to say, so you beat me. I think we need some quick info. Here we go. Grant, can you come out here? There's something... I need your knife. Can you bring your knife? The knife? I need it back. Hey, Grant, can you just make sure they're okay? I don't know. They seem a little out of sorts. I just want to make sure everything went okay with the case. Just report back when you get back, okay? Yeah, absolutely. For sure. Alright, thanks, man. Always report back to a cop. That's what my dad taught me. So you hear...

It was up. Hey, actually, I didn't need the knife. I need you in this huddle. It's really important. Quick. So like,

You've known Joe for like a long time or not question. I mean, I've known him as long as I've known any of the other you all. He says pointing at everybody that's not you, Daryl. And like, did you ever meet my friend Glenn? Yeah, Glenn, your friend that you brought along in the van. And I kept going like, why is he here? And you went, he's cool. And we sort of just he was just hanging out in the van with us. I mean, like with his kid, right? No, that was what I thought was weird.

Ah, that would be weird to bring a man without a kid on this trip, wouldn't it? Yeah. We all thought it was really bizarre. And what happened, just remind me, we're just, we are disagreeing what happened to him. Ron thinks one thing, you know, so like, what happened to Glenn? What does that mean? What does Ron think that, you know? Ron thinks one thing, you know. So Grant says...

You were all drawing from the deck and stuff. And then Glenn drew a bunch of cards and got a like a weird barrel thing. And then he shot a squirrel and got fucking swole. He suddenly looked exactly one level, like more confident. And then you dropped dead. You followed him. And then I think Aaron O'Neill really quickly checked in with us. It was like, hey, the other dads, there been some sort of like like a trial, like Glenn was getting in on trial for just being a bad dude or something like a bad buddy.

And then I guess he's not back with you. Did he? Oh no, he lost. Did he lose? He lost. Yeah, he lost. Yeah. So that's, that's too bad. You know, Jody, I think what happened is getting teleported around like all spatial time wise. It kind of messed with our sense of equilibrium for a second. It's like, did you ever see the show sliders? It was like, we didn't know how long you were in our reality and,

how long we have been in your reality or if our realities were overlapping with our kids, but now I think we've got it all figured out. We're cool. So Grant is going to come back over there. Go hang out with Jody for a second, Grant. Oh, sorry. I shouldn't be bossing you around. Daryl, you know, can you get rid of your kid? No, thanks for the info. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Here, I'll take that knife, though, because I splinter. That's why I needed the knife. So thanks a lot, Grant. Go back to the warmth of the fire, buddy. We're going to go hunt whatever Henry was. Henry thought something was out here. So thanks for the quick hustle. You just hear Joe go from the fire. What? Never mind. We're good.

Grant goes back to the fire as you continue to talk and you see him begin to gesticulate as he speaks to Joe. Grant didn't remember Glenn having a kid. Like this person's Nick's dad now or something. And that's chill. That's fair. I mean, that seems like a perfectly acceptable option, you know, as far as the options that we've seen go. What? Glenn's Nick's dad. Glenn's Nick's dad. And Joe seems pretty cool. And I think I heard he's a cop. What? Yeah, I heard he's a cop. So he's probably very trustworthy. Mm.

Peyton's eyes narrow so hard that you can't even see them on his face anymore.

His hands very slowly move to the knives at his belt. Knives, plural. He's gotten more. He's got an array. He always has at least plural. He seems like he's been pretty well integrated into our reality. Like all the kids know who he is. Clearly Glenn's still on the trip. Everyone still knows who Glenn is. So I think we can justify we got to break our buddy Glenn out of prison. Yeah. So that's plan number one, I think, because we got to figure out how to get Glenn the H-E double hockey.

He sticks out of there. And then we can figure out the Joe thing separately. But I think for right now, we got to keep this whole Glenn is Nick's dad thing on the wraps. I don't want to freak Nick out, but here's what I was going to say.

I've seen a lot of... Did you bring up sliders again? I'm just saying, in sliders, sometimes you want to make sure you remember who you really are and where you really came from. So I think, who knows, maybe the longer we spend around this Joey guy, I don't want to forget who Glenn was. We could get bought in on this new version of reality and then no one knows the truth. So what I was going to say is I think we should all write somewhere secret on our bodies that Glenn is Nick's dad. Like that movie Memento. We sweat so much. That will last for like 20 minutes. No, I got this.

I got paper. We can use paper and write it on paper. Well, what if we come up with like a secret chant that we can all agree on? And if we're ever scared or alone, then we'll just sort of like chant something that's. Oh, you know, that's really lovely. We should do that. Ron, you got it. We'll hit the three staples of communication. I'll write on paper. Ron, you can do oral tradition. And Henry, you can write on your body, whatever. They have different learning types. Like it sounds like, Daryl, you're more of a kinesthetic learner.

And, you know, maybe Ron is an old, a kinesthetic learner. You know, like that's someone who learns by doing stuff. You got to get your hands on. I know I'm not the smartest guy, but like. Well, no, that doesn't mean you're not smart. It's just a different learning style. My mom said that that meant I wasn't smart. And then I tested as that type of learner. Suck it, Donna. There you go. See, Beth is a kinesthetic learner. Ron's friend, Beth. I actually am an idiot, though.

It doesn't. Here's a quick little chant that we could do now. And then we can always think that when we look at our cop friends, Joe, that maybe this will sink in. If we do this chant, can we go back to the fire? Yeah. No, I mean, we can actually do it while we're walking over there. Let's do it. Okay. So all dads are dads, but some dads are more dad than others.

I don't think that's going to help us remember that Joe is not Glenn. He would figure that it's the stepdad who comes up with that kind of a saying. It feels like there's some self-hatred in you. As you were saying that, halfway through that chant, I began to think that Joe was actually Nick's dad. That's how confusing that chant was. As you walk back to the fire, you can hear the very trailing end of a conversation wherein Grant conveys word for word everything you said to him before he headed back to the campfire.

Hey, fellas. Joe, it was like when you'd remember a song on the tip of your tongue, but you can't remember it. That was like us, but for you for a second. It's weird. I think it was just a timey-wimey thing, as they say on Sliders. It's good that you didn't come. It's...

It was wild at the court. They did. You know, I think they do some stuff to like make you remember facts. Like, I think all of us are kind of phased out. We honestly barely remembered Grant's face there for a second. We're all pretty. It's weird that it's lucky you didn't come with us. I'm trying to remember why you didn't come with us. You guys didn't really trust Walter to handle all these kids, right? Larkin, Sparrow. There's such a handful that checks out. Walter's not great with checks out their handful.

I'm right here. No, I said that quietly. Sorry, Walter. We talked about this. I like that Daryl said, no, I said that quietly to Walter.

It sounds like things were mishandled at the courthouse, and that simply will not do. Is everything okay? Yeah, the justice system here is not great, as you should remember from the various adventures we've had. If Glenn's not here, that means he lost the case. Yeah, we have bad news, everyone. Glenn, our cool friend, unfortunately has gone to jail for being a bad guy. So all the kids, except for Nick, go...

Oh, no. And then it goes, oh, no. Like with a shrug. Oh, Nick, come on. That's a good guy. You got to give him a shot. He was smoking weed when the van first picked him up. I just don't I don't trust him. I don't trust him. I mean, he's an adult. It's legal in most places. So like, you know, he's especially California. Like, Daryl, you know, Nick has a really sensitive nose. It's just one of those things. But look, let's let bygones be bygones. He takes a hit from his inhaler. Oh, no.

Does that mean he needed an inhaler the whole time? He had undiagnosed asthma, I guess. Oh my gosh. Maybe he wouldn't have asthma if he didn't get vaccinated. CBD can cure everything, including asthma and muscle pain and...

And it's good for pets, apparently, as well. Might as well just throw that shit in everything. Like, it just feels like it would be wrong to go on our quest and continue to leave the Forgotten Realms without Glenn. We've got to get Glenn back. He's part of the team. He's fought tooth and nail for us, so, you know. It's like, but we still have to get Ron and my dad's anchors done with.

Oh, shit. We will. Your anchor. Does Joe have an anchor? Joe has an anchor. He hasn't seen it yet. Okay, okay. Because they haven't gone out and quested for it yet. Right. Does Joe know, like, for instance, everyone has Meth Bay, Oakville. Does Joe have a name that he also learned? You know that your anchor is in the Bard Rock Cafe. Oh, shit.

A restaurant the size of a city. With a giant loot coming out of the top. That sounds like a dream. That was submitted by Sabina Lind-Eckerblom. Thank you. Daryl reaches in and double checks that indeed he has the fat joint that he rolled. That is Glenn's anchor. He still has it, right, Anthony? He still does. It's still broken. And the last time you held on to it back in the Meth Bay Correctional Facility, you felt like there was still some nascent magic in there that was like waiting for Nick. This time when your hands touch it, you feel nothing.

All right. So, Nick, I understand that you may not be the biggest fan of Glenn, but like you're one of the star players on the team. You know that the team is only as strong if we got the whole team and we got a teammate out there. So like team effort, team huddle. We got to figure out how to get Glenn back. I have asked you a couple of times. Could you? It's Nicholas. Full name. Oh,

You're right. Nicholas star player, Nicholas. Thank you. Thank you. My bad. I appreciate that. My bad. We all make mistakes. It's just, it's like your name is who you are. And I've probably told you before that if you're going to be a star player, like Nick is by easier to chant for like a audience, right? Like,

Well, I don't know about that, Daryl, because I could really see, like, Nicholas. Nicholas. See, that's what I was thinking. Remember the last time we had this conversation, that's exactly what Henry said. You're right. Folks, it clearly sounds like Glenn is in trouble here. So, look, I know it's really important that we unlock whatever's happening with this daddy magic and get us out of here safe and sound, but...

I mean, I got to agree. We can't leave anyone behind. That's just... I knew Joe would agree. You're a cop. You understand. You got to support the people on your team, even if they may not do the things that you like and maybe do sometimes inappropriate things. You know, you got to stick with each other. Nicholas is just nodding, super like, yeah, yeah, this guy gets it. No. So we're going to get going. Marcus Farrow are vibrating in rage. Yeah, Daryl, thank you. That's right. You know, I mean, you obviously have no idea what it is to be a cop, but that was close. Oh, my God.

Daryl just said that there was some kind of crazy, you guys couldn't remember things right? It feels like this was a mishandled case. And I mean, I would love to get in there and figure out what exactly is happening with their judicial system, but it looks like Glenn is not there correctly. I hope we can do this without violence. You should probably see if there's like visitor hours, right? Let's just do the first step of like maybe going to see if we can actually see Glenn, our friend Glenn, and make sure he's there. Yeah, you know, we could probably just ask. I mean, I'm sure they have visitation, right? Maybe they have those little fairs.

phones where you can look at Glenn through the glass and you're on the phone with him. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe they have like a sort of magic version of that or just, you know, like, I guess no one here has actually been to prison before. Let's just go do the legal thing and just see if we can see Glenn and then we can kind of get a good lay of the land without anybody suspecting us of anything by just going to see our friend Glenn in prison, which is probably a very normal thing. People like to see their friends in prison. So people like to see their friends in prison. Yeah.

Matt Hartle 2021. That's on a fucking shirt. If my friend's in prison, I'm going to go see them. So, you know, yeah, Matt and Daryl here. I will see you if you're my friend and you go to prison. Unless it's for something really wrong that I disagree with. I was going to say, does it depend on the crime? It depends on the crime.

I'd like to take this moment to thank you, Daryl. We've committed quite a few number of things that I find really objectionable along this journey. And I think it is good to try and take the nonviolent approach here. I don't love that we always jump straight to violence, especially considering that you really are a fantasy cop. I'm like looking behind my back, gesturing to the kids behind me and being like, I mean, look at them. We lead by example for these kids.

And so it'd be best if we don't have to report back and tell them something that we don't want to. That's why we should bring Nick so that he can see. Obviously, wherever my dad goes, I go. That's important to me. Nicholas and I, we're like two peas in a pod, you know? Gross. He's sitting in the front of the cruiser with me, not in the back. Yeah.

If I ever went in the back, something has gone very, very wrong. So yeah, I pretty much think we should all hit the hay, get a lot of rest, and then we'll get up first thing in the morning, we'll head out to try to see if we can see our good buddy Glenn. But before we do that, Lark and Sparrow, why the heck are you guys here? I thought you were with your grandma. So Lark holds up a finger and he goes, ah, a good point. Something that we fail to consider when we wish to stay with our grandmother is that she is bobing.

and Sparrow just rolls his eyes and says, Yes, yes. She had a lot of rules. She had a lot of regimented things she wished us to do and we wished not to do those things. So she pretended to not watch us sneak away in the night and we came back to Walter following only our animalistic instincts and we came back here. So you just left your grandmother? She's probably

we worried sick about you guys. Oh, jeez. That's not okay that you did that, and I just want to register that. Well, for one thing, I've been trying to leave the Forgotten Realms for a while, and I couldn't just sneak off, so yeah, that's kind of... But would you if could you? Yeah, I've been trying to... Run! It's a trap! Don't answer! Ah, and there we see. The trap is lame. The trap is wrong. Miss Clark and Sparrow have won, won, won. I walk up to Henry. I'm like, hey, man, you're kids.

They're just so smart. Wow. I walk away. Yeah. I was going to respond. Okay. Yeah. I was going to say something before you walked away. No, he just walks away.

So you go to sleep, you get all your health back, all your spell slots back. This is a long rest we're going to go into before we leave in the morning, right, Anthony? Yeah. Why, are you injured, Joe? What happened before we got there? So before we all go to sleep, knowing that I'm going to be leaving for a bit, I have a third level conjuration called Create Food and Water, and I just make 45 pounds of food. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, we don't give a fuck about food. We don't actually play your D&D here. They need food! What are they going to eat? We don't do the spells and the rules. Oh shit, we forgot to eat for two years! Henry's emaciated!

Anyway, the food is bland but nourishing, which I think is a character trait that Joe is not good at cooking. But he makes way too much of this bland food. I think bland but nourishing pretty much wraps up Joe's personality. That's fucking great. Yeah, so he just makes a bunch of food for them and then goes to sleep being like, ah, I did it. Good job.

Good job, Joe. What's Joe's dad flavor of him making a bunch of magic food? Is it like a protein shake? What does he make? He believes strongly in the pyramid, the original one that's not right at all. The original food pyramid with a shitload of grains? It's like lots of grains, yeah. And it literally almost looks like the pyramid, the sandwiches he makes with a tiny thing of cheese on top. That's how Matt eats. That's great. Damn it, stop making me fall in love with Joe. Ha ha ha ha ha!

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You wake up. Do you want to say goodbye to your kids? Hi, Terry. Or should I say bye, Terry? Because we're...

Is that how you're going to say goodbye to me? No, I just wanted to say that, you know, I know that some stepdads or new dads, when they come in and it's like their kid has to change their whole being just to make this new dad happy, just to become a whole new person, really, to please their new dad. So, Terry...

Junior, I just wanted to say that I'm okay and I'm happy that you have stayed your own person. Even though I am a new stepdad, you are still the same. It literally never occurred to me to change for you at any point.

I mean, I don't mean that in a mean way, but just like it literally never entered my mind that that was even an option on the table for me. Honestly, Terry, it never entered my mind until very recently. So Henry, in the morning, wants to speak with Larkin Sparrow. He says, okay, boys, dad's got to say goodbye. If you only wanted to speak to one, wouldn't that be fucked up? That would be fucked up. But before I go, Walter, can you come here for a second? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, what's up? Walter? Well, actually, Walter, go away for a second. I'm really sorry. Oh, my God. I swear to God. It's the fucking fifth wheel in this group. Hey, Walter, what was that about? Why did Henry throw you out? I don't know. He's never liked me. He's never appreciated me. No, I think he appreciates you, buddy. I think he's just a little fried right now. Oh, God. I've tried so hard to be that guy's friend every step of the way. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Henry says, all right, boys, I'm going to call Walter over in a second and I'm going to ask him if you got into any trouble while I was away. So I'm giving you a chance to tell me if you got into any trouble, you did anything bad before Walter gets over here.

No, it's very difficult to do bad things when we're surrounded by narcs on all sides. If you recall, Father, we got up to a lot of very fun shenanigans before you decided that Joseph should watch us day in and day out. But now that he and his narc son, Narclus, have decided to look at us all. Holy shit! No!

Just FYI, I stole that from Tumblr. People immediately called new Nick Narcliss, and that's extremely good, so I'm just stealing that. But now that Narcliss and Lame Joseph have been watching us all the time, no, no fun was had by your good boys. Okay, Walter, come here. I'm sorry, it was a screw-up, but this is, I'm trying to help you out. While you were talking, Daryl was talking to Walter. He was like, hey, just do this. And he grabbed one of his beer bottles, and he put some, he was like, just put a bunch of stuff in here, and then give it to, Henry likes just like a bunch of leaves and dirt in a bottle. He gave it to me for Christmas.

So just give him this. He might like you. So Walter's like kind of fuming, but he like stomps over and then just hands you a bottle full of leaves and goes, I got your leaves. Now what do you want to talk about? Oh my gosh, Walter, this is beautiful. Did you pick this for me? I did. I got to be honest, Walter. I try to love everyone, but I've had this weird resistance to you, but this just, this is like a breakthrough. I am so touched. I've never understood it. I always felt very out of character for you. You know, I'm going to hold this near and dear to my heart. This is one of the best gifts I've ever gotten.

I did want to say, though, did my boys cause you any trouble while I was away? No, they definitely tried to, like, start a knife fight with the son. But then Joe and Nick put a tamper on that pretty quickly. Joe put on his, like, cop voice, and they reluctantly fell into line.

Okay. Well, boys, we've been on quite the journey. And one thing that I've started to learn is that maybe I'm just a touch too easy on you guys sometimes. And I just let you get up to too much. But I want to let you know that Joe's coming with us and so is Nick. But you got to listen to Walter. You know, it's a new dad in town. And when I come back, I don't want to hear that you guys burned anything down or

tattooed each other again or you know the kind of stuff. You're both very smart boys. I want you to listen to Walter because he's in charge and I'm going to be disappointed if you're not. The moment that you said Joe is coming with us, two very slow Cheshire Cat grins slowly grew on both sons' faces until the majority of their face is smile and you can barely make out the other features. And they go, of course.

Of course, father. Henry, did you mean that about the new dad in town? Because I don't know if I can handle any more new dads in town. Henry steals himself up and he marches into the tent where Lark and Sparrow were sleeping. And he comes back out with the gauntlets of ogre power. And he puts them in his bag and closes the bag and says, there's a new dad in town. You get these back if you're good to Walter. Oh.

Both of them like grab at their chest like they're having like heart attacks and they like fall under their knees like everything we did. We did for each other. Those were a sign of our love. You're taking away our love. Don't you boys use your love for each other against me. I know what that is. I know what you're doing. You get these back when you've shown me that you can be good boys for Walter. And, you know, I love you very much and I don't want to do this, but I have to. So I just and Henry turns around. Goodbye.

I love you. They're just on the ground clutching. They're just rolling back and forth going, no, it can't be. No. Love is supposed to conquer all. No. Henry is biting back tears as he walks back to the rest of the group. And he goes, how did I do, Daryl? I tried. Was I too mean? Was I too mean to them? It seems like I should give them the gloves back. You know, like, I feel like they'll be good with the gloves, right? They'll be good. Like a good negotiation, good parenting. Nobody leaves happy. You know what I mean? Like, both sides are happy. That means somebody got screwed. I'm not happy. Oh.

I hate this. I hate disciplining my kids. No, you did good. You did good, Henry. Thanks, Daryl. So before everyone gathers up, I pull Nicholas aside and I look at him and go, hey, man, I know that we always stick together and being on this trip has just sort of further bonded us. But I know you really don't like Glenn. I don't want to put you in any situation where you're going to feel like I'm violating your boundaries just because of an arbitrary, you know, we got to stick together. So I'm just double checking to make sure you're OK to come on this journey.

I mean, I'm great to come on this journey. I would feel weirder being separated. Like, I know somebody needs to keep an eye on all this trouble making Larkin Sparrows, and I know that Walter's not up to the task, and I'm a little bit worried about that, frankly, because I feel like you didn't, I mean, I mentioned this to you, but when you weren't around, when it was just me and Walter and the two kids, when you were on adventures with them and stuff, like, I had to be the adult, and that's like, that's a lot of responsibilities.

But I'm growing into a good man. And I think the best way to become a good man is to be next to a great man. And he puts you in the chest with a finger and he goes, so I'm going to stick by you. I'm your partner. I'm the Turner to your hooch. Oh, no. Nicholas is the worst. That was great. Yeah, it's like literally I only want to keep Joe and Glenn. I want to get rid of Nicholas. Oh, no.

I feel like the three other dads are all just watching this conversation with like eyes in their. Yeah. Like with a look of disgust on your face is like you just ate something gross.

Hoochie's the dog. All right. Well, I'm going to say bye to Grant then. I go up to Grant. Hey, man. And I say, hey, Grant. Yeah. Remember last night when we talked and we go back to last night because I would have said this last night at the campfire. I didn't want to interrupt everybody else.

Okay. So before we go to bed. Previously on Dungeons and Daddies. Fucking flashback. So after we were peeing in the trees when you're camping, before we went back to the group, I say, hey, Grant, can I talk to you for a sec? Yeah. What's up? You've been through a lot here and I've been through a lot. And since we last talked, I think it's important just to keep things straight with you. And I think you can handle what I'm about to say.

Uh, okay. Look, something's weird is going on right now. Yeah, no, it's been pretty weird. Oh, what's been weird? Specifically, the fact that we're having a conversation is a little bit unusual to me, but I'm digging. I like it. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. Yeah, no, I told you last time that, you know, anything you want to ask me, I'll answer. And I think I want to be more open and I want to, I want you to know we, the three of us, we don't know Joe.

You mean like before you got on the van, you didn't know him? No. As far as Henry and Ron and myself are concerned, the moment we came to this campfire is the first time we've seen Joe. And Payton. And Payton. And Glenn is Nick's dad. And when Glenn was found guilty, they put him in prison and they took away his son and gave him a new dad. So I think all of your memories have changed.

And I'm telling you this because I don't know what's going to happen when we go to prison. I don't know if Joe is safe or not. I don't know if he's going to come back. And I don't know if what we're going to do might seem weird to you. So I just want you to know that. I want you to know what's happened. And I want you to know that that's the situation as we go to see Glenn right now. So as you were telling him that, his eyes slowly got wider and wider and wider and his mouth slowly dropped more and more open. And then once you finished talking, he goes like,

Dad, I'm 12. I know. I know. And we're in a super dangerous situation. And you've you've I wish this hasn't happened because you've had a lot of stuff happen to you that shouldn't happen to any 12 year old. But based off of our journey so far, I don't know what could happen. I just need you to have all the information possible and whatever you need. If you want me to stay back here with you instead of going off with them, I'll do that. I just want you to know.

it just sounds like, so we got, we got dentist again. They dentist us again. So I have to, what do you, are you saying I need to get rid of? Nope. Nope. I think we had to get rid of it. All you need to do. Did you get dentist?

it's really you don't remember maybe you lost the memories of joe maybe they did a spell on you to forget about something that joe did that's very i honestly i i'm pretty certain that what is the nature of reality aside from what the senses tell us in this given moment are we just composed of our memories as you're talking grit just slowly like falls to his knees and then like just puts his forehead on the ground and his butt sticking up in the air and he goes this feels like i feel safer this way i don't know why and i you can keep talking i'm listening but oh god i

I kneel down and I do the same position. I know how it is, but I used to hide under the table like this when I was scared. I just felt like I hit things for me before when this was dangerous and I'm doing my best to try to figure out how to parent in this situation. And I just...

I don't know if anything's going to come of this, but we're going to leave. I think all you need to do, Grant, is do what you've been doing, which is stay safe with Walter, look after the other kids, and take care of yourself until I get back. And if you feel uncomfortable, we can talk about, you know, something else. But that's, I think we need to go save Glenn and we need to keep trying to get ourselves home. Ron taps Henry on the shoulder from the camp.

Hey, Henry, look, they're doing yoga over there. I was just going to say, are you guys doing night yoga? Do you want to do down dog? All right, I'm coming over. Yes, we're doing yoga. This is yoga. Don't look at us. I've been telling Daryl for weeks that yoga would solve so many of his problems. All right, guys, where do you want to start? Do you want to do a chaturanga? Do you want to do down dog? Henry, this is-

Don't come closer. Don't come closer. Father, son, private yoga. Yeah, this is kind of private. It was a great idea, this yoga thing. Okay, namaste, stick with it. That's weird. Namaste. I'm not going to be weird about namaste. It's okay. I shouldn't have said it. I got carried away. Namaste. Father, son yoga is kind of like goat yoga.

Just so you know. The sun just climbs up on you. The sun's just crawling around on the desk. Grant goes like, uh, yeah, no, I'll, I'll make it work. I'll figure it out, I guess. I don't know. I'll keep an eye on him and myself and also you maybe. And then I, oh,

yeah, no, I'm fine. And then he just starts kind of like inch warming his way. Like he like extends his legs and his head just slides along the ground. Then he puts his butt back up and he just starts inch warming his way back. I start crawling along with him talking as we go to campfire. Let's go. Hey buddy, it's fine. No, I know it's okay not to be okay. I'm nervous too, but just, you know, just, uh,

I appreciate the honesty. I do. I appreciate it. This is good. This is probably good. I'm sure this is good. In the morning, why don't you tell me how you feel? And like I said, if you need me to stay here, but I really think we should go save Glenn. But you know what? Why don't you just sleep on it and you tell me how you feel in the morning, okay? Yeah. No, I will. And this fades out as a quizzical owl cocks his head to the side and we fade out on this beautiful father-son scene. Yeah.

So remember how we talked last night? Yeah, uh-huh. Yep, still been thinking about it. Uh-huh. So... No, I feel like you can go. It's okay for you to chill. You can go. I'll watch. Like, he hasn't thus far... Or my memory of him anyway. He says waving his hands in the air like all freaked out. Like...

In my memory, he doesn't act weird, so it seems like it should be fine. But no, yeah, no, you're going to be with him, so you should watch him, I guess. Like, I'll just hang out with Walter. That's fine. Yeah, we're going to make sure. You be careful. I don't know. I'll be careful. I will do everything I can to come home, and I will get us home, come back here. You just stay safe, and yeah, I love you, Grant, and we'll be back as soon as we can. Yeah, love you. Love you, too. Yeah, okay. I open my arms up for a hug. He just keeps nodding and shrugging and shaking his head. It's just like he's just...

Like, oh my God, he's just the most overwhelmed person you've ever seen in your life. Can I have a hug? Yeah, sure. Yeah. No, give me, bring it in. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. Okay. I give him a hug. Brings you in and just pats your back real hard. Like he's just trying to speed through it because he needs to be thinking about other things. All right. Bye Grant. Hey Walter. Yes. Bye. Bye. Bye. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that worked with Henry, though. I think Henry likes you, right? Yeah, we're pretty tight now, weirdly. I come up to Walter. I'm like, do you have any care instructions for this? What kind of light does it like? Should I water it once a week? I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. You'll get it. It's fine. Just use your heart. The greatest care. It looks like it's mostly leaves and dirt, so I don't know that there's a plant in here. Okay, so you're shitting right back on it. No, no, no, no, no. You literally said it's just leaves and dirt, so that's where we are. No, that's fine. Yeah, no, it's just the thing I banged with my head. No, fuck, no.

No, you should go. You should go. It's great. Oh, geez. I really screwed up with Walter, guys. I got to get him a gift. I don't know if they have gift shops in prison, but I'm going to give him something nice. Prison gift. I walk five feet and I pause. I look at Henry and I go one step further and this will be the farthest I've ever been from this. Fuck off.

And then I step six feet. I step another foot, making this longer than five feet. I say, let's head back to Meth Bay. So four dads, along with two children in tow, one of whom is also a dad and one of whom is a narc, walk toward the great crimson spire that is the Meth Bay Correctional Facility, hoping to find a way to free the kids.

their good friend and nothing else, Glenn. But they could not know that inside the Meth Bay Correctional Facility, that very man was chained to a wall trying to get used to his new environs.

When we last left Glenn, he was being locked into a series of manacles and restraints somewhere in the Meth Bay Correctional Facility. Deep within the Meth Bay, where a hardened super criminal... I don't know, actually, if that's true. How deep does this criminal prison thing go? So the thing is, you don't quite know. So when you awaken...

You feel cloth over your eyes and you can't see anything. You feel that your arms are restrained. Your legs are also shackled as you begin to open your mouth, maybe to complain or to do anything with it. Let's be honest, to complain. Yeah. You notice that there's also a mask around your mouth, a Hannibal Lecter-esque mouth that seems to prevent you from not only opening your jaw, but even from talking.

Yo, this is pretty intense. Okay. All right. Let me just start by giving a general perception roll while I'm in here. Like, yes, using the power of both my smell, hearing, taste, touch. I assume I can't see anything, right? Because my sight is covered. You are blindfolded. Which means that I have minor one fifth advantage on everything else, right? Yeah, sure. My hearing perception goes up by like 20%. Yeah, by 20%. Yeah, we'll say it's a plus 20%, whatever you roll. That's going to be a...

12 plus 3, 15. Okay, and then 20% of 15 is 3. So you get 18. With your adjusted 18, you can feel vibrations running through the walls around you, through the iron links of the chains and into your body. And slowly as you begin to focus even more on those vibrations, you can feel that the lion's share of them are coming from above you. Okay. And that probably means that you are being kept underground. Mm.

and you don't feel any vibrations from below you. So there's a good chance that wherever you are in the meth bay correctional facility, it is on the bottom floor. Interesting. Okay. Okay. But that's what you can get just from a basic perception right now. Okay. The first day that you're here, you hear footsteps.

that grow steadily louder and vertically seem to change. It sounds like it's coming from above and then it gets closer and then you can hear the footsteps echoing off of old moldy stone that you can smell. You hear a light clank as something is placed at your feet and then

a a not plastic because this is fantasy world i guess a a wooden paper straw hold on let's back up for one second why can't plastic be in the fantasy world don't you have to make like you do like modern stuff it's oil based right it's like it's petroleum based right like we got plastic after world war ii it's not like we lived in a fantasy world for world war one uh okay then

Yeah, sure. Okay, so the only plastic in the entire Fey rune was they made straws. They found this petroleum stuff and they were so terrified by the possibilities that it offered. They said, let's limit our usage of it to just things that make drinks slightly more fun and pleasant for people. They took one look and they're like, this is probably not a good idea overall, right? And everyone agreed. Every possible use. Well, that's the case. Yeah.

You hear a buckling and you feel a buckling on the mask on the outside of your mouth and just a tiny hole. You can feel some air rushing in and the person pokes a plastic straw through the front to your lips. I'm going to very quickly say like, hey, there's a I smell mold. So like, you know, I don't know.

You hear the sound of two arms going up, almost like he's trying to cover his ears. And he goes, prisoner 69420, you will not speak when someone is in the same room as you under penalty of extreme pain. If you contravene these orders, you will be tortured. Understood? Don't say yes. Good boy. Okay.

You feel a large, meaty hand gently pat you on the top of the head. You feel a straw get inserted into your mouth and then an alternately sweet and savory, but altogether terrible slurry of what somebody thought was food begins to get squeezed through into your mouth. And that's how you get fed. Can I roll for dankness of this food? Sure.

It's a seven. You know, like slushies? It's like one of those, but instead of syrup, it's goblin blood. Oh, okay. It'll keep you alive, but you're not going to be enjoying your meals. At what rate does this person come in to feed me? They come in to feed you twice a day, once in the morning, once at night. What you just had was the morning breakfast. And then the person buckles your mask up and leaves. And this is how the days are going to go by. So the way that we're going to do this is you're going to have three actions per

a day to try to do something to make your life a little bit easier to help you escape or whatever the heck you want and you're gonna roll for them and if you fail sorry that action just didn't happen on that day and you're kind of screwed you'll make progress on potential different projects like trying to loosen yourself from one of the restraints or trying to do any other this is a real like japanese escape room experience here that you've made here just for me anthony yeah i was thinking more like hentai game where it's like you only have like three ways you can study to get the to

To get the exclusive hint I see in him this day. So it's a visual novel. Yeah, it's kind of a visual novel. Okay. And then let me ask right now in terms of my bindings and restraints, I probably get a good sense just without perception checking of like how heavy are the chains, et cetera, et cetera. How tight are the bindings? Give me just a little more info on that. Sure. So the bindings are very tight. The bindings themselves are made out of leather and flint.

finally a BDSM podcast. Yeah, the bindings are made of leather. There is a there is a an iron link sort of sewn into the leather and you can feel that the iron chains are hooked into that link. The chains are not drastically heavy. These were not made for an ogre. They don't want you to be unable to like move your arms at all because that scratch your butt. Yeah, or at least scratch your own. That'd be torture.

Yeah. Yeah. That's torture. If you can't scratch your own butt, that's Geneva Convention shit right there. Yeah. I mean, you could scratch your butt up against the wall because your butt is pretty close to the wall. So that's not a problem. Am I standing or laying? You are standing. The torture of it is essentially that the chains are light enough that you can't sit down. They'll begin to pull on your arms and your shoulders. But you get a good stretch in. Yeah, you could. I guess over a long enough period of time, you could try to turn yourself into Dulcim from Street Fighter.

In terms of the range of motion that I can get, like, can I do a little squat? You can squat. Basically, once you do... You know how when you do a squat and you're like, ah, I'm probably done, and then your friend who actually does work out is like, mm-mm, you gotta go a little bit further. Like, once you get to that point of like, I think I'm done, but I'm actually not, I could go further, that's when the chains and your arms go taut. So Glenn is going to think, and in his head, Glenn thinks...

Well, Glenn boy, you really found yourself in it this time. Good thing you watched all that anime. And I'm going to just get myself into a squat and work out. Because if there's one thing that I need right now, it's power, baby. Okay. I'd like to do like wall squats. Okay. To sort of strengthen your legs specifically. Yes. Every day is leg day here under the sea. Okay. I mean, I don't think there's a way to fail for this. Like you just, you just do it then. Um.

That's true. You go until you fail and then you keep going, you know? Hey, people listening, ain't no dice rolls when it comes to making your body powerful. You just go until it don't work again, then you do it again tomorrow and you eat plenty of good nutrients and you get plenty of rest. The only critical fail is in your mind. That's true.

Okay, so let's... We should come out with a whole range of workout gear that's like Dungeons & Dragons themed workout gear. That's the kind of stuff where if you were wearing it at a gym, assuming you could go back to a gym, everyone would be like, this guy does not re-rack his weights. Ha!

I just take one look at you and they're like, those fives are not coming back. Let's be honest. There is almost certainly some market there for like a gamifying and systematizing, like working out with like RPG bullshit of like, Ooh, today's quest is to do five squat thrusts. Oh,

Oh, my God. I'm just going to do a real quick search for D20 workout. Yeah, it's a workout thing. We ship you a treasure chest that's got a bunch of individually sealed mystery boxes that when you get to open one of them when you finish the quest and it's like, ha-ha, here's some protein powder. This gives you plus five to these stats. We could be rich if we just focused on it. We could be rich. I mean, look, this is the truth. I could be rich, Anthony. I could be a rich, rich man if I just decided to really focus on one thing. Here's the thought that I had literally just today.

You know how there's AI? If you've seen like This Person Is Not Real or like ThisIsNotAPerson.com, which is a generated AI using an open source NVIDIA algorithm. Yes. That thing can do faces perfectly. You know what else no one's thinking about?

fucking feet dude you could just make generate feet pics forever and then you could puppeteer a bunch of like feet instagrams account and get money from that are you kidding oh my god yeah and then you could make a whole instagram profile for like a hot person and then just show the pictures of the hot people enjoying hot things and all of its fake and then just do a bunch of really salacious feet pics completely artisanal fake porn i could do it i looked at that right in the face today and i was like that's a million dollars right there and i said nah

And you left it on the fucking table. I left it on the fucking table. Because you wanted to play make-believe with your friend instead. Oh.

Okay. Listen, I got my priorities straight, okay? So we're going to spend one of your actions on working out. And the way that this works now is, you know, working out, you got to do it consistently. So the more that you do it, I'll give you a slight bonus every time in terms of points. Okay. All right. Squats, one. And my form is perfect every time. No, you have to roll to see if your form is perfect. I don't know if Glenn has been doing a lot of squats recently. Give me an athletics roll. We'll see how good that is.

13 plus four, 17. 17. Okay. In that case, I'm going to give you two squat points. That's how we'll do it. I'll roll form and that's how effective they are. Yeah, that's good. I like that. Okay. So you got two squat points. That's your first action of the day. I'm going to go ahead and add two squat tokens to my counter here. Do it. You've got a big jar of squat tokens and there's small ones for ones that there's very large ones for fives that are just a big gold embossed picture of a butt. Okay.

There's a few Kickstarters for, like, premium squat tokens if you want to get them. That joke is for Matt Arnold and Matt Arnold who won't be listening to this. As a quick reminder to those listening, this is just me and Anthony. All the other dads have pledged to not listen to these sections of the episodes. Mm-hmm. All right, number two. I can't really spin around at all, can I? The chains on your legs are considerably longer than the chains on your arms. So if you did some, like, pretty intense, like...

core work i'm gonna hold on the chains on my arms and then try to lift my legs up and basically just support leg lifts i could do leg lifts yeah you could try to do a leg lift it may you won't know for sure how tight the chains are until you try it i'll put it that way well so hold on if i can do leg lifts that's yet another workout that's your core right i can hold my arms and just do leg lifts yeah okay all right this is what's starting right now

Get Buff with Glenn, the Dungeons and Daddies interactive workout experience. It's 2021, folks, at home. I'm sure some of you got New Year's resolutions. Make this your resolution. We're going to get buff together. Me sitting at my computer and talking into a microphone. You actually doing the workouts. We did squats. You're not going to do the same things. You're just having Glenn do it. I'm rolling dice and shit. That's tons of work right now and coming up with it.

So we're doing leg lifts now. So Glenn's going to do leg lifts as the next part of his workout. Okay, give me a roll for form on leg lifts. Ooh, 18 plus 4, 22. Wow. Okay, so that's going to be three points on leg lifts. I like the idea that you're already two levels higher than everybody else and your goal is to just effectively be even more higher. Dude, they're going to open up this door and it's going to be just like handsome Squidward, this buff ass.

Did they inject this guy with steroids? What happened when we left? They have a handsomer, bigger Glenn. Okay, so you find out as you're doing your leg lifts that you can basically get your knees all the way to your chest. That's how long the chains are. And if you begin to extend your legs, you can get them about halfway out to straight before the chains go tight. You can't fully extend them. So if you stretch, really stretch, you can barely touch the tip of one of your toes with your hands.

It's funny because what I should be thinking about is like, okay, what are ways to do this escape room? But this entire conversation has just led me like, okay, how can I get like a good delts and arms workout in? Functionally, what you've just done is something I've dreamed about doing in real life escape rooms, which is you should go in, they close the door, you say, okay, you have an hour. And then you just start doing pushups for 60 minutes and you don't interact with the puzzles. Ha ha ha ha ha!

I very badly wanted to do that at some point just to see what the person does on my way out. You do it until you get really tired and then you go and you grab the like hint walkie talkie and you're like, hey, can I have a hint? And they go, yeah, sure. And I go, how many was that? And they go, I don't know. You go, all right, back to it. And you just go back to doing pushups. That's incredible. That's so good. I'm going to buy five tickets so nobody else can go in this escape room but me. And then I'm going to just do pushups.

Holy shit, that's so good. Hey, so listen, what kind of arm workouts? I guess I could just pull and just kind of like really work the upper body. Yes, you could do pull-ups that would help your chest and your, what is, what are pull-ups? I think your delts are your buys. All right, part three of the Glenn workout. We're getting buff in 2021, wide grip pull-ups. Give me a roll for athletics.

That's a 10 plus 4, 14. A little bit harder than the other ones, but you know what? I still make a good go at it. All right, I'm giving you two points to your chest and to your arm. So what I'm going to say is if you can get all of these stats up to, let's say, a 10, then you're going to get plus one point to your strength. Hell yeah.

Hell yes. Which is huge. Like, that's a huge stat buff. That's just like real life, baby. You put in the work, you reap the rewards. You know what I'm talking about, everybody? So that's what we got. We got squats this week, leg lifts, hanging leg lifts, and wide grip pull-ups. All right, we'll see you in two weeks when we come back with part two of the Glenn Get Fit 2021 Challenge. Anything else happen in this bullshit or what?

I mean, a guy comes in and gives you another slurry. And I'm like fucking sweaty. And he's like, damn, this guy's really. Because he comes in just as you finish like letting yourself down. It doesn't really look like a lot. It looks like. And he goes, ah.

ah, you've been trying to escape, trying the restraints. Well, let me tell you something, my boy. I shake my head no, and I like flex. And he goes, whatever. And he opens up your mask and he puts the straw in your mouth and you suck down some more goblin blood slurry. And protein shakes. Everybody, we're getting protein shakes. You don't got to do the blood thing. You can just do protein shakes. Make sure you eat a good meal after your workout.

If it makes you feel more hardcore, just drink a protein shake and call it Goblin Blood. Yes. Oh, we should do a recipe. I'll try to figure out a recipe. It's basically going to be protein powder, red food coloring, and...

That's it. I was really expecting something more there, which is on me. I don't know why I did. I don't know why I'm surprised, but that's everything that Glenn does during his first day of incarceration at the Meth Bay Correctional Facility. You know what? I took the first step. And for those of you listening, the hardest step is that first step of committing to it. So be like Glenn here and let's commit to getting swole, everybody.

After the guard leaves having given you your slurry dinner. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I say that to myself quietly as he walks out the door. You could hear him shiver at the sound of his eww.

And the next day comes, you wake up and he feeds you some slurry and you continue working out and stuff like that. Some time passes and you go to sleep and you wake up and you work out and he feeds you some slurry. You initially maybe started to count in your mind and started memorizing how many days it's been, how many sleeps it had been. But soon that number begins to sort of blur a little bit and you sort of stop counting. One day he comes down, opens up your mask and you take a sip from the slurry. But this time it tastes a little bit sweet.

Huh. He pulls it out of your mouth and he goes, first of all, good on you for not talking this whole time. And second of all, you may have noticed there was something special in the drink there for you. That's a bit of anniversary cake. Today officially marks your first year at the Meth Bay correctional facility. Let's look forward to many, many more. And before you can say something in protest, he slams your mask shut and turns the screw. Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me every one of these...

Interludes is a year of time? Yes. Fuck yeah, I'm gonna be so ripped by the end of this, bro. It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, cause that's just life. All you do is try, it'll be alright.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. Jimmy Wong as Jodie Foster. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. And Robin Rapp helps us with transcriptions. Subscribe to our YouTube channel.

Special thanks this episode to Sabina Lind-Ockerblom for providing us a name that we use in the episode. Time for Patreon shoutouts. So big ups to the Conquistadors, Simon Hansen, Sophia Ng, John, Caitlin G, Burley Pup, Travis Stewart, Moose, PK Cassidy, Kyle David, Barry Cahill, Luis Gonzalez, Jay Belt, Dylan Bailey, Zachary Fenton, Joshua Paul Saldana, Dylan Gorrigan, Terrence Hollister, Thomas Mraz, Allison Jackson, and Soup Kitten.

Head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and consider becoming a patron today to get access to now almost three years of backlog bonus content. What a time to be alive. Everything from our after show talking dad to bonus content, DM notes, merch discounts, birch discounts. Even I don't even know what that means. What is a birch disc? You can't get that. It is a veritable treasure trove of dad content.

We also just updated some of our tiers, including removing the limit on the elite tier. So head on over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads to check it out. Speaking of content, Story Break, a podcast that Will, Matt, and I do, is kicking off our fourth season by writing the completely unauthorized Jar Jar Binks standalone Star Wars movie. It was one of the first episodes we did. We're turning it into a movie scene by scene. If you want to dip your toes in the world of Star Wars and listen to what I think was one of our best story breaks,

Head on over to Story Break. Just look that up on your podcast players. You can follow this podcast on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads. Reddit.com slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies is the subreddit. Thank you so much for listening. Happy New Year. Next episode's coming at you January 26th. There was a time we'd be trying to know they never brought you

You just imagine that all of our characters said bye to their kids and, you know, whatever. Yeah, I kind of don't want to say here's a place where you might put in some fan fiction about dads talking to their kids, but we don't actually have time for that on this podcast. No.

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