Ep. 44 - Deck Picks
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Hello? So, I remember you said that you didn't like board games once. Is that right? Yeah. Or, I mean, not normally. You don't have fond memories sitting around in the den gathered around the Monopoly board, bartering properties and real estate? I mean, what about, like, chess or checkers? I've got this script that was due two days ago, Freddie. I'm really busy. When did you first know that you hated board games? I don't know. What is this? What are you doing this for?

Are you recording this? Well, I was thinking this might be a good way to get into this week's episode. Just a little bit of offbeat banter between co-hosts before we start. I mean, I think everybody probably thinks pretty badly of you now that they know that you hate board games. I'm just myself. I'm not going to pretend. Why are you pushing me? What's your favorite Monopoly piece?

Like, is there a, they're like a car? Oh yeah, the race car. Yeah, that one's a real crowd favorite. See, I would have swore that you would have gone for like the little Scottish Terrier. Oh yeah, there's a dog. Okay. Freddie, I've got to go. I can't, I can't be talking about this. Wait, wait, wait. I'm going to be over in a second for the car draw. So just, you know, keep an eye out. I'll text you. What do you mean you're going to be over? Okay, bye. See you soon.

From somewhere in the Forgotten Realms, I'm Freddie Wong, and this is Dungeons & Daddies. Today's episode, Deck Picks. It is Tuesday, October 6th, and I have with me 18 specially treated playing cards. By specially treated, I mean I took a sharpie and I drew words on them. Of the remaining cards in the Deck of Many Things, I'm about to drive to each of the respective daddies' locations...

to have them physically draw from this deck. After they draw, the plan is they will be putting their cards into sealed envelopes so that nobody will know what cards they've drawn until the moment of our record, at which point we'll be opening those envelopes up and seeing exactly what has transpired. So, all right, here we go.

I'm going to shuffle them up.

That's a terrible looking shovel. Well, it's, you know... How do you feel right now? I feel pretty nervous. I feel like I feel less nervous than the rest of the cast because I actually don't know what any of these mean. So you haven't looked up anything? No, I looked up... Somebody said something on Reddit and they were all bad, so I'm like, well, I'm not going to look into the details of how bad these are. Fan through it and pick two for Ron. Okay. So that'll be the first one. It's going to be the first one. Okay. And then, let's see...

This is gonna be the second one. Okay, so... Oh man, that was pretty hard. Same thing for Mr. Mustache, another two. Okay, that's gonna be number one. Okay, I'll hold it. And then number two. You sure? I'm sure. I think I'm sure. I'm sure. Yeah, I mean, I already pulled it. Okay. All right. You have drawn officially. This is awful. Wow. For the two. The amount of dread that I feel right now. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So hang on to those. I'll see you in a little bit. Okay. So I am up next here. So I'm just gonna do it in the comfort of my Honda Odyssey. I'm gonna go one, two, three, four. In that order. Into the sealed envelope it goes. There we go. All right, moving on.

So here's what I want you to do. I want you to shuffle. Yeah. Oh yeah. Shuffle them up real good. Now the order you draw them in matters. So choose three and stack them out. Okay. So one. You can shuffle in between or are you just going to let it shuffle in between? I feel I want to throw up. Two, three. Okay. How are you feeling? You did four, didn't you? Yeah, but I don't know. Whatever.

So I'm going to put it, I'm going to seal the envelope. I am sealing the envelope. The envelope and Henry's fate are both sealed. All right. I will see you in a little bit. In an hour. In an hour and a half. When we find out what's in it. Don't open until then. Just like Christmas. I'm just getting that Prius driving away audio. It's going to sound amazing. That sounds like shit.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. What may very well be the last final episode of Dungeons and Daddies, depending, we don't know. Guys, it's been great. I've had such a great time. These last seven years have been a dream. As we go on. I mean, it might be a BDSM podcast, depending on what card we draw, right? That's not really one of the cards, unless you have a very specific wish. I didn't look at it. It might not be a podcast anymore, you know?

Generally, this podcast is not a BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons & Dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. Four dads flung into the Forgotten Realms done dirty by their DM with treachery and tricks afoot. Sorry, Freddie. I was just so mad I had to interrupt your intro. Please go again.

My name is Freddie Wong. Thank you, Will Campos, fellow co-host. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This week's dad fact for Glenn, since cards are on the mind, a little fact about Glenn's current Blackjack lifetime earnings slash losses. Glenn's lifetime Blackjack is negative $7,000. Oh my God! But...

positive 12 M&Ms from a game that he played when he was like 13 and they were using M&Ms in the black when it comes to the M&Ms. Freddie, how much has he drank back in comps drinks from the hotel while playing blackjack? Yeah. Is this like one night or if he's going to blackjack all the time, that's not that much. Lifetime. Lifetime. But have you gone once?

Or do you go all the time? No, not all the time. Glenn goes and plays blackjack to about the same amount of time. I think the average adult who attends the occasional bachelor party in Vegas or Reno, who occasionally comes by a casino. Yeah. So Glenn's very bad at blackjack.

Terrible. I work with a producer that went to Vegas every other week to play blackjack. So if he told me lifetime, like 7,000, I was like, that's not that much. Like, you know, whatever. It's like you're $200 a time if you go. But sure. But in Glenn's case, he's very bad at blackjack. He's bad. Because Glenn's always the kind of guy back 16. And it's like dealer is showing for it's like, hit me, baby.

No whammy, no whammy. It's like, sir, you really should. Even the casino pit boss is like, sir, just please, you're not. Glenn only plays for 21. I get it. Yeah. Only for 21. Plays to win. And winning is getting 21. Hello. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian upon entering the Forgotten Realms.

To continue our wonderful journey through Daryl's five senses, we will hit... In the realm of Daryl's senses. In the realm of Daryl's senses. We will hit, I guess we'll go with smell. So Daryl's favorite smell is the smell... He can't smell it anymore, but it was the smell of Grant's hair when he was a toddler or a little kid. Oh, that baby smell. That baby smell, that good old baby smell. His least favorite smell is wet peanut butter.

If you ever, this is also a Matt fact. How does this happen? How often have you run into wet peanut butter? So now it's going to become a bad fact. My little brother only ate peanut butter as a kid, peanut butter and crackers. And so he would just take scoops of peanut butter, eat it, and then put the spoon in the sink. And I always did the dishes. And if you ever have like a chunk of peanut butter that just sits in water in a sink,

I can't describe its smell. But in my thought, it's that Carol's very healthy and does a lot of green drinks and a lot of peanut butter toast. And she always just throws the knife into the sink and then Daryl comes in the afternoon to do those dishes. A lot of soggy peanut butter smell. Just absolutely vile. Boy, leave her. The worst smell. Why am I not surprised that Carol is a make the smoothie, don't clean the blender type of person?

person. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, you know, Daryl's been doing it. This dad bag was engineered to make us believe that Daryl does the dishes when he clearly does not. Stay at home coach that he better be doing the dishes. He better be doing the dishes. He's not doing much else at home. Hey everyone, I'm Will Campos. I play the fictional character Henry Oak on the podcast Dungeons and Daddies. Almost not going to be a BDSM podcast or a podcast anymore. Henry is a hippie

munching. You know, I haven't said granola munching in a while. Granola's kind of been phased out, so I want to bring it back. He's a granola munching Birkenstock rocking hippie nature druid dad. And my fact about Henry this week is that when Henry was a little baby boy, his father cast a spell on him that makes him immune to the deck of many things. Later, bitches. Oh, my goodness. I know.

No. Invincible. That wasn't your 9,000 IQ play, was it? No, it wasn't. I have a separate play. My real dad fact is I want to talk about Henry's favorite fruit.

So Henry's favorite fruit is, oh God, the minions from Despicable Me. Now hear me out. Sorry. What? I don't think I will. I don't think I've ever been less inclined to hear somebody out in the history of sentences. He thinks that they're little bananas because he hasn't seen the movie and he thinks that they're sentient bananas and the boomer memes crack him up.

So he's like, that's my favorite fruit is those little bananas from Despicable Me. And every time he sees them and like social media, he makes the joke. He goes, those guys are bananas, but no one gets it because they're not bananas. So I mean, they do love bananas and say banana. Yeah. So I think that's probably where he got his wires crossed. So that's his favorite fruit. I wanted to give you a really bad Henry fact because Henry can fucking die this episode. And I want to make it a little bit sad. I want to make it a little bit easier for people to let go of Henry. Yeah.

hello, my name is Beth May or should I say goodbye? Because this might be it. Let's see. I had a really clever one that I just thought up on the fly. Um, but you were so intimidated by it. Yeah. Well, because like, we'll just gave a Ron fact, basically. Like I was, I was about to say that sound like a Ron. It did. Speaking of cards again, blackjack, you know, the cards that we're about to pick to end ourselves. Um,

I think that Ron thinks that face cards, like, Ron does not think he's ever seen a face card because obviously a face card would have a face on it and it wouldn't be, you know, a king or, you know, like, if there's not a big face on the card, that's not a face card. That's just a regular card. I mean, they have faces. Yeah.

Well, it's not, you know, if you're calling it a face card, it should be, it should be a huge face. Yeah. Like literally. Oh, I see. I'm with Ron on this one. You'd think they'd call them like the royalty cards or something like that. Cause they're all royalty. Like it's, there's faces on a lot of stuff and you don't say that's a face thing. Do you know what I mean? It would be royalty, but what about the Jack?

Isn't the Jack royalty in some way? He's the fool, isn't he? What the fuck is the... The jokers, my friend, are the fools. What the fuck is a Jack, man? The Jack is like their bratty kid. That's a good reading. It seems like it's some sort of version of Knave, like the lowest member of a court or something. So, I mean, it's a thing. Yeah, royalty. The intern. Yeah. The intern. I like it being this way. The Doug. I have the Doug of spades. All bratty sons are called Jack. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. Hi.

Screw you, dad. Yeah, you suck, dad. Just real quick, just real quick. I want to call out somebody. Okay. They're one of the more handsome people. Oh, that's nice. Thanks, Anthony. Go on. They can handle this. James McAvoy, you're a fucking coward. Wow.

You think you could be in a movie where the premise is that you don't have the script and you don't know what you're going to be doing and you can improv your way through the whole thing. You think that makes you courageous? If you weren't a fucking coward, you would come on this podcast where nobody knows what they're doing. I love it. Nobody has any idea what's going on. And that would show your range as a true actor. Yeah, if you were a good actor, you'd be on this podcast, James. You beautiful Scottish piece of shit. Why don't you come on our damn podcast? I won't be mean to James. I will just say, oh my God, please come on our podcast. I would freak out.

Oh my God, you're so dreamy. Oh, in Atonement, everything. Those looks aren't going to last forever, James. Oh my God. You will last forever at D&D Podcast. Immortalize yourself as a D&D Podcast host. James Pod, James Podcast. James Podcast McElroy here. I'm not even going to say what, James Podcast McElroy. Uh,

That should be canonically the adventure of podcasts. It's James Podcast McElroy. That has to be an NPC later. Just save it, but at some point, James Podcast McElroy has to show up. All right, let's do this. Let's do this.

To briefly summarize what happened last episode, you fought Barry Oak, you freed the true Lark and Sparrow, you got the overnight oats that are Henry's anchor. And as you left, what you thought was Canary offered you what you thought was seaweed snacks. But in reality, it was CERN who had stolen the deck of many things from you and had tricked you via some transmogrification magic into drawing from that deck.

The last time that you saw CERN, you had won the deck of many things from four nights. He demanded it from you so that he could draw from it and try to revive his dead children. You refused. And he said, well, fine, fuck you guys then. And basically just walked into the sunset, presumably never to be seen again. Daryl doesn't usually regret his decisions, but depending on what happens, it was a real deck move. Yeah.

That's pretty funny. Gotta get one last one in. I know. Just try and make it easier. No, I get it. Henry's gonna get yeeted into the fucking void, so. I get it. All right. So before we get into drawing from the deck itself, Freddie, do you want to talk about what you have been spending today doing? Yeah, so as you heard at the beginning of the episode, everybody has drawn the cards for their characters and have sealed those cards away in envelopes to be opened now. So we all have in our hands the cards that we drew. Glenn drew four. Henry has drawn three cards.

Ron has drawn two cards, and then Mr. Mustache, beloved trusty dog...

Man has also drawn two cards. Daryl drew a zero. Fuck you, Daryl. You're pretty bad. He's grabbing some fries. I do want to point out that Daryl is the one who summoned the pyramid that killed CERN's kids. And yet all of us are bearing the brunt of the fucking consequences right now. If our Lord and Savior, Christopher Nolan, doesn't consider letting, uh,

Raagul fall being the act of killing, then I would say that I am clear on this moral problem of releasing the pyramid. If you can have a guy on a train, destroy the controls of that train, and then intentionally ram that train into a building and the train kills the man, that's not murder. Yeah.

I'm not going to kill your kids. But I'm not going to not drop a pyramid on them either. Who didn't catch the bag? I threw the bag and it spilled. Somebody didn't catch it. Oh my God, no, you literally threw it. Let's not litigate the events in my staircase. Guys, we're a team and this is the last time we're going to... Doodlers, doodlers, we can't, we can't... This is the last time we're going to be together. We're about to go through hell.

We need to stick together. So while Daryl's saying that, you can all feel your cards vibrating in your hands. Hang on one second, Daryl. These seaweed snacks seem to be... Oh my golly, gee goodness, I'm holding four cards from the deck of many things. Cern, you freaking stinker. What's your problem? And Cern goes, no, no, no, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Because I found out, guys, there's a thing about this entire area. There's an anti-violence field around it. So if anything bad shows up, it won't actually hurt you. I did this perfectly. You can't die. You...

Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, CERN. CERN, I wish you would ask because we just broke that dang thing. Oh, shit. The color drains out of CERN's face and he goes, oh, no. And as he says that. It's kind of like the exact thing that could have prevented all of this. You know, that's kind of, that's wild. What a trip, CERN. Hi again, by the way. Hey, Ron.

So as Cern is freaking out about the fact that he may have just killed you all, who drew first? Did we level up? We all level up. Yes. Okay. So we've never made leveling up anything other than a meta thing. So A, you level up and B, everybody levels up and Cern reaches into his pack and goes, uh, uh, and starts grabbing every potion and every like charm he can find and just starts throwing them at you. He forces a drought down your throat as you guzzle from it. And he like rub some magic stones on you and stuff. And so you feel you get all your spell slots and all of your health. I go, I go, I go to Cern. I go, nah, I'm good.

You sure?

Okay, so yeah, everybody except for Glenn is back at full health and full spell slots. Well, no, when you level up, you go full health, don't you? No, it's not a video game. It's not a video game, Freddy. Ding. You need a rest. No, you have to rest to get health up. Hey, Anthony, I know I'm almost dead, but in the middle of this fight, I think I just leveled up so I get all my health back. No, no, no. I love that you guys are coming at me being like, that's not how... Everything's made up, idiots. It's all a game. There's a long rest. Do whatever you want. There's a long rest that heals you. No, but there's a logic to the fact that

after you get mortally wounded, you have to take a nap and then your health comes back. You can't just come back willy nilly. Yeah. You need a rest. That makes sense. I don't know. Like sometimes like I've had like a really good lunch and I swear afterwards, I'm like, I leveled up on that one. Like, I feel great. Like I definitely am approaching life with more verve and pep in my step. Thanks to that fried chicken.

So I will ask you again, and for the last time, do you want CERN to refill you to full health and spell slots? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so everybody is back at full health. Everybody has all their spell slots. Now, the moment of truth, who drew the first card? So I'm looking back at the transcript from the previous episode.

it's not clear because Henry rolls a perception check. Glenn chimes in and says he grabs a bunch. I feel like the easier way would just be like, if Henry and I roll initiative. Sure. Yeah. Whoever gets the higher initiative role will be the person that pulled first. We'll resolve one card from each person going around and round Robin. And at the very least, I think it's going to be Ron first and then Mr. Mustache. Okay. So it'll be whichever one of you two wins an initiative role. And then the third place is Ron in the fourth place of Mr. Mustache. Okay. Cool. Cool. Cool.

Hoo boy, here we go. I got a seven. Initiative plus two. I got a 17. Okay. Okay. Henry draws the first card. Okay, as Henry's doing it, he says, Daryl, get my kids out of here. Get Peyton out of here. I don't want them to see whatever's going to happen. Uh...

Sorry, I'm also looking at my leveling up. I'm just trying to think. Sorry, I'm too busy leveling up. This is important. Fucking Daryl's looking at his fucking biceps. He's like, yes, yes, yes. I might be the only one who can save you. I'm trying to see what I get when I level nine. Okay, so as you're drawing it, you're essentially realizing what happened. I'm shouting to you because I have to turn this card over now. Daryl instantly, as he's drawing it,

in slow motion, Daryl thinks about how he got a little stronger. He's like, I feel good. But then the screech of Henry cuts through that and he instantly dives towards the three children, you know, like it's an earthquake, like tries to cover them. Okay, Henry. All right, here's the envelope. Oh God, I'm going to puke. So just draw one card. We're going to do one card from each of you. And I have not looked up any of these cards, so please describe what they do to me. Yeah, I haven't either. Because I just like, I didn't want to be more depressed. Yeah.

Okay, I got rogue. What does rogue do? Okay, so rogue is a perfectly fine one to start off with. A non-player character of the DM's choice becomes hostile towards you. The identity of your new enemy is not known until the NPC or someone else reveals it. Nothing less than a wish spell or a divine intervention can end the NPC's hostility towards you. I feel like...

Like so many NPCs are already very hostile toward us. Fucking take a number. Take a number, suckers. Okay, no, but like this would drive Henry insane that there's someone out there that doesn't like him and he doesn't know who it is. So does Henry know that that's what happened? Like who explains that to him? Yes. Basically the way we're going to contextualize this is that when you feel a card, much like in Yu-Gi-Oh, you immediately feel the truth of the card like going through you. You know that this has happened. So Henry draws this card and goes,

Oh, geez. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, no. What's wrong, Henry? It's just this one's really bad, guys. Someone out there is mad at me, and I don't know who it is. Oh.

Should I keep covering the kids? Yeah, for now, because I don't know what else is going to happen. I just know someone out there wants to kill me. Oh, man. Oh, darn this deck. Sometimes when people who I don't know don't like me, Samantha tells me to get off of the New York Times comment section. What?

Thanks, Ron. I don't read fake news, though. Holy, what a twist. If you had drawn the alignment switcher, oh, hell yeah. Oh, my goodness. Just kidding. Henry doesn't say that. He says, thanks, Ron. You know, I post on there a lot, too. I hope it's not one of the people I ticked off. Oh, jeez. It probably is. This is like you got mail. I feel like Henry was blasting Ron on New York Times Comma section without them knowing.

Cern mentions this now. He goes, oh, you got rogue. Okay, okay, that's not such a bad one. So when I drew, I got key, which allows you to get a rare magic weapon. And then I drew talents, which destroys every magic item that you have. So I can't really help that much. I'm sorry. But good luck. You've got like 10 bad ones and I think eight good ones and one neutral one. So we'll see how this goes. Glenn. Doesn't Henry just keep drawing? I want to do it like in Christmas where dad opens the present and then mom does. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. I drew...

Comet. That sounds pretty dangerous. Daryl hugs the kids really tight, thinking a comet's going to come down. So Glenn, you feel, and you know this to be true, that if you single-handedly defeat the next hostile monster or group of monsters you encounter, you gain experience points enough to gain one level. Otherwise, this card doesn't do anything. I will, I shout to the animals, be like, hey, any of you animals want to fight me real quick? Anybody got a light? As I cock the gun back, I go like, you all just want to fight real quick? I just go, let's

Like a small animal of some kind. Right now, let's go. You and me. I guess roll persuasion with disadvantage. Roll persuasion and roll intimidation. And if your intimidation is higher than your persuasion, it's not going to work. Persuasion was 29. Intimidation was 26. Okay. So a squirrel comes bounding out of the forest. It's like, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. And it comes running straight at you. Okay.

I fucking aim my gun and shoot this squirrel. Oh my goodness. Roll a ranged attack. Daryl covers the eyes of the kids, all of them, with his huge body. He's like, you can't look at this. 18. Oh God. Okay, 18. I'm going to roll dexterity on this squirrel. Actually, there might actually be D&D stats for a squirrel. I feel like squirrels could be rabid. One-shotting a squirrel is probably pretty tough, to be honest. They're spry. But they're coming straight at me. Also, doesn't that gun have other things it can do besides being a fucking... Yeah, right now,

What this gun's going to do is let me be one level higher than everyone else instantly. This is a pretty good effect. He's going to be level 10. Okay. Give me a second. I'm going to roll dexterity for the squirrel. Everybody who doesn't live in a city is like, yeah, I get it. A squirrel's charging you. Like, you got to shoot it. If a squirrel's charging right at you and screaming obscenities at you, you tell me what you're going to do. You don't reason with it. Travis has been feeding the squirrel in our backyard out of his hand, and that thing, like, loves us now. It's so dangerous. Yep, that could be diseased.

The squirrel sees that fucking bullet coming and it like, and like suddenly like dodges out of the way as the bullet impacts the fucking ground right next to it. And it just goes, I'm going to throw you a motherfucking knife. All right. Roll damage on me, motherfucker. Let's go. All right. It's going to attack you.

I did not expect that this would be how the deck would go. My stomach is in knots because I haven't pulled yet. Does a 17 break your AC? Yes, it does. Daryl's like, everybody stand back. He's got to take this on his own. I go, stay back! Stay back, King! Stay back! This one's mine! This motherfucker's mine! This is his fight. It literally doesn't even roll a die for its damage. It just does one piercing damage. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Okay. Are you going to waste all the bullets on the gun on this squirrel? It would be inefficient to shoot now. It's like on him. Yeah, the squirrel's right on me. It's time to move from close range to trend. I transition. This gun literally offers us a hint to like what to do and then Freddy just shoots people with it or squirrels. Breath raises a good point. Freddy shot the gun. So what does the gun tell us to do? No, because you can only choose like one or

You have to choose beforehand. Isn't that sucky? You have to choose, yeah. And he was very clearly choosing to hurt somebody with it. I effortlessly transitioned to my secondary. Okay. Which are the Peyton Chucks. So remember, you can choose to flourish with your Peyton Chucks. Oh, of course I'm flourishing. If you want to. Of course I'm flourishing right now. This is some denial of death shit going on. Like Glenn is so terrified that he's had a mental breakdown. I hope the squirrel kills Glenn. 18 on the roll. Plus one to the AC. Okay, so you flourished one successfully. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Push your luck.

Come on, Blackjack Glenn Close. No whammy, no whammy. It's true. Blackjack Glenn Close flourishes again. How much health does the squirrel have? One HP. No, I mean, just hit it. No, keep going. Keep going. Do it. The flourish is two hit, not damage. It's close. It's a five. A five? Yes, I got a five. Keep going. Okay, so if you want to flourish again, you're avoiding a three. You got to get higher than a three if you want to flourish again. Let's go, baby. Actually, technically higher than a six because I have two nuts. All right, let's go.

Sure. No, no, we established this again. For those of you who want to put nunchucks in your homebrew games, a one to two. Can you put the squirrel out of its misery, please? One way or the other. I'm just going to roll attack on it.

18. Okay. This squirrel just disappears into mist. It's like a teen rated game where it just, the thing's there, then there's a puff of bread and the thing's not there. So it's not really sad. I love teen rated games. It just happened very quickly. And I go, hell yeah. And I feel so fucking powerful right now, everybody.

I level up, right? I'm hoping Glenn gets the card that changes your alignment so we can have a fucking good, morally non-reprudenceable Glenn. I hope Glenn kills a squirrel and then instantly gets zapped to another dimension. That's what I hope. I leveled up, right? You leveled up. You leveled up, boy. Congratulations. Yo, I'm level 10 now, y'all. Oh, my God. No, hey, well, you're over there min-maxing. Freddy just maxed, so...

This is my best possible outcome. So while you're doing that, Glenn... You guys do your thing. I'm just going to tune all of my new-ass spells and shit that I get. This is going to be awesome. All right, Ron is next. Ron, what did you draw? I need to get my... Oh, God, I'm so nervous. I didn't care if fucking Glenn got yeeted into the void. This is true. Well, before I draw...

I need some courage. Oh, she's going to be shot. She's got the tequila. There's a special place in hell reserved for men who waste good scotch. It's rum, so it's okay. Wowzer, but nowzer. Okay, I'm going to open up this Ron thing. I actually like that as a response to Glenn killing his wife. If fucking Ron gets killed, the podcast really is over. We're screwed. I'm shaking. My hands are sweating. Okay.

Don John. No! What? So instantly, Ron disappears and becomes entombed in a state of suspended animation in an extra-dimensional sphere. Holy shit! Everything that Ron was wearing and carrying stays behind in the space that he occupied when he disappeared. Oh no!

Ron will remain imprisoned until he is found and removed from the sphere. He cannot be located by any divination magic, but a wish spell can reveal the location of his prison. He draws no more cards. Oh my god. Holy shit. Well, guys, it was fun. The last thing that you see is Mr. Mustache in dog form looking up at you and going, oh.

And you're gone and you're just sniffing the grass where you were and like pawing at it. Beth is downing the second shot. Oh, there goes the ratings of the podcast. No one wants that. We're four men doing a Dungeons and Dragons. The dream. Sorry, cucks.

I'm taking all the women with me. This is now a Joe Rogan fan cast. Ron! Where did Ron go? Daryl runs and grabs the underwear. He's like, Ron, where's Ron? And Surt immediately goes, oh no, oh no, he got Don John. It seems like such a funny...

Card name. I know. Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. I can't believe Ron got Don John. Can Mr. Mustache draw? Yes, go ahead. So what is Mr. Mustache's first card? Oh.

I think this is another bad one, guys. What's it called? The Fates. No, that's good! That's good! That's the best card! That's the best card! Okay, so reality's fabric unravels and spins anew, allowing you to avoid or erase one event as if it never happened. You can use the cards of magic as soon as you draw the card or any other time before you die. And Mr. Mustache goes...

I can undo it. I can undo that. I can undo anything. I can undo anything. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Undo. Undo. I'm going away. What do I do? Oh, Mr. Mustache, this is perfect. Change Cern stealing the cards. Maybe Cern doesn't steal the cards. He steals something else by mistake. Henry, we don't even have to ever come here. Just undo us getting sucked in here in the first place. Oh, my God. You're right. We could just be on our way. Wait, wait, wait. I don't know if that would work. Oh, my God. Because, like, what if then our dads came and got us later? Oh, my God. Yeah, we might just end up here anyway. We just won't ever go to play soccer ever again. We'll all play football instead. What if we...

This is actually Daryl's dream is that the person who invented soccer didn't invent soccer and invented football. Glenn, what do you think we should do? What should we do? My first thought was the pyramid. Like, if we can undo the pyramid, then CERN never loses its kids. And then, but then, but then who knows what else would have happened? Oh, that's true. Ron, what do you think? Oh, my God. Oh, God. He's gone. Oh, I miss Ron. Oh, God. We just got to make sure we get Ron back, though. What do we do? The first time you ever asked Ron for his opinion. Oh, God.

Sometimes you don't realize you missed something until it's gone, and now you really did add a whole element to this group. You don't know what you got till it's gone. Till it's Ron. Till it's Ron. Henry kneels down. He's like, it's okay, guys. I'm really good with dogs. Mr. Mustache? Yeah. We want you to undo CERN stealing the cards so that this never happens. Okay, boy? Can you do that, boy?

I could, but I think if I undid that, there's a possibility that he would just try again and then succeed that time. And I wouldn't have actually prevented much. Dang, that's true. My dog is so much more smart than Ron. I would say go back further. I'd say save Stern's kids. The thing is, the fate wish doesn't allow you all to jump back in time with the knowledge that you now have. It just undoes that one thing's existence. Guys, the mustache wants what it wants. Daryl kneels in front of Mr. Mustache.

And uses his, he has animal handling because he's good with dogs. That's for riding them, dude. That's not for charming them. So he gets on top of Mr. Mustache. Animal handling can be all sorts. How do you think you ride an animal well? Is to talk good to it. So look, he sits down. You want to try that again? No, I've said what I said. So I kneel down. Yeah, actually, Matt, I think I've stayed at an Airbnb where that was actually over the door. I kneel down. I go, I promised this lizard, this friend, that we would get his kids back.

no matter what if there's some way to do it if you can just undo that pyramid you can undo that mistake if you could undo i'm pretty sure it was henry didn't catch the beans i forget but i'm pretty sure it was henry didn't catch the beans right it's not the guy who throws it it's fault is the person who doesn't catch it it was a good throw anyways that's not the point the point is that happens we could all die we don't know what'll happen if the pyramid didn't show up that was how we isn't that worth the life of two kids if those were your two kids with henry would you would you be willing to do that but we might be dead in the fucking

pyramid dude but if they were dead if they were dead would you undo it they're not dead now why would you try it ain't broke don't fix it certain boys are just as important as our boys the oh geez daryl i just think it really goof a lot of stuff up like our kids if we die our kids are stuck in this dimension dude if we all got killed because you know something else happened then then what's gonna happen to our children they're not gonna have their dads they're not gonna they're gonna be stuck here with our shitty grandparents they're yeah i

I was making that argument back when we first did Gifstern and just a lot of people gave me a hard time for it, but now I'm hearing it from you folks. It definitely seems like the right idea. A lot of people. Who are these a lot of people? Just random people you pass on the fucking road. People at the New York Times comment section. Just random people walking down the fucking Faye Rune being like, hey, by the way, I think that was shitty what you did with those cars.

Now that I'm hearing somebody else's argument. I can't see my subscription to your newsletter. Every one of the comments of Ross Douthat's op-ed about how Matt had the right idea was roasting Matt. Can I have a two-minute break to think really hard about what I'm saying? Let's take a quick break here. For the first time, we are confronted with such a momentous moment that our DM needs to take a breather and think about it. So we're going to actually cut to commercial now. We'll be right back. I'll be back. I'll be back.

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All right, Anthony is back. Okay. Our stomachs are once again in knots. We're all staring at Mr. Mustache. I went out into my living room and I consulted with my wife. I consulted with my priest. So here's what happened. So we're going to go inside the mind of one Mr. Mustache. Let's go into the mind of Mr. Mustache. Of the Greg Jennings. I got the fucking team on my back. Mr. Mustache, put the team on your back. Okay, so Mr. Mustache.

has two loves within him. One of which is the love for the person that he once was, some essence and truth of what he once was that he knows he no longer is. He feels like he's missing something. That's why he's wanted so badly to have a body. That's why he's been trying to open mouth kiss so many people to have a body.

Same. He feels incomplete and he feels wrong. I never would have thought we would have gotten who Mr. Mustache is in this episode. This is great. That is one element of who Mr. Mustache is and what drives him. The other one is purer and simpler and more tangible and yet even more mysterious and that is love. For Ron Stampler, the one person who's been consistently decent to him, the one person who has been there for him and he's tried to be there for as well. The first...

other living being that he could really glom onto and understand after he lost everything that he was. And so in a way, it's almost like Ron is his father as well. It's almost like Ron is the only thing he has close to family. So when he thinks about what he wants to undo and he thinks about what he wants to change, he has the ultimate choice of, is it about me or is it about the people I love? And with that in mind, Mr. Mustache looks up into the sky and he says,

I wish Scam Likely had never died. In that instant, Mr. Mustache disappears and is replaced with a familiar form of Scam Likely, now taking the visage of Ron. And he goes, here's someone you didn't expect to see. It's me, your old pal, Scam Likely. Fuck that dog.

- Look at that dog! - Fucking hell! - Oh my God! - Oh my God! - Bad dog, bad dog! - The dog no longer exists. The mustache is on his face again, once again, like dancing with its little antennae. - Do we know it changed? Do we see this or do we just think Scam, we don't remember Scam ever dying or anything?

I feel like it's okay if you know what changed for this one. Okay, so it changed. Okay. So yeah, you basically watch in front of you is that mustache disappears and is replaced with the form of Scam Likely in the visage of Ron, but wearing a very, like a gleaming sequined tuxedo. In the visage of Ron, you asshole. Does he have the mustache? He has the mustache and the mustache is like- I rip the mustache off and I go, you selfish piece of crap. Roll dexterity. Uh-oh. Oh no, did I make a Daryl mistake? Daryl got aggro. Fuck.

14 plus one. Okay, I'm going to roll for a scam. So Daryl, you reach out and your thumb and forefinger clamp around hair and you yank as hard as you can. And you see as you pull a mustache off of his face, but you immediately feel like, oh no, it came off too easily. And it's a false mustache. You would bring on top of his mustache.

And he says, oh, did you think you were quicker than me? The god of scams? Oh, scam likely. Scam likely away. And he swishes his cape and then like twirls around. And then he's gone. He still has a card to draw. Bag bag.

Back, back, run! Who has a fucking card to draw? No, Mr. Mustache had a card to draw. Scam Likely has no more cards to draw. Fuck me. That seems like a cheat. Anthony can essentially say anything changes now. If Scam Likely didn't die, a whole bunch of stuff could have changed. I'll say Scam Likely does. He'll draw his other card.

Okay, that's nice, Scam. Can I be the rules lawyer now? Because is Mr. Mustache a different person? Because Scam Likely did not draw cards. Mr. Mustache is the essence of Scam Likely. He was the soul of Scam Likely. He's like his horcrux. Does he like try to bamf out, but he can't because he's like bound by the presence of the card? Yeah, so he tries to bamf out. He goes, bye-bye. And then he goes, and like a whiplash is just suddenly yanked back into the exact spot that he's in. And he goes, ah, yes, yes, yes, the other card.

Let's see. Okay, so let's get Scam's other card out of the way really quickly. Can you draw Mr. Mustache's other card? Shouldn't Glenn go next? He could, but I don't want Scam likely to just be standing there while you guys do all of your stuff. Okay, I feel like I have so much power over you because I could just like be like, no. Yeah, if you knew what the cards were and could trick me into thinking that you had to just look them up.

So nothing else changed. Just scam. Just scam still alive. I feel, by the way, like the reason nothing else changes is that scam likely came back to life, but was aware of what happened and decided to not fuck with anything. Yeah, scam disappeared. Because this was too good a scam. Yeah. Yeah, he fell down into that chasm and basically just like was okay. Yeah, he just hung out for a while, just chilled.

Okay. He's like, "This is gonna be funny when I come back." Now he's Scam Likely the White. Okay, this card says "Balance." What? Holy shit! What? Holy shit! What? What's balance? Oh no, I'm so scared! I'm so scared! What happened? What happened? Oh my god, is this what I think it is? Holy shit! Okay, okay. So here's what Scam Likely feels. What the fuck?! What is it?

Oh my god, I'm so scared. Scam likely feels his mind suffer a wrenching alteration that causes his alignment to change. Holy shit! Lawful becomes chaotic, good becomes evil, and vice versa. If you are true, neutral, or unaligned, this card has no effect on you. So scam likely becomes lawful...

Oh, God. I guess still neutral because the opposite of neutral is neutral. Well, was he new? Scam likely wasn't neutral, bro. He was chaotic neutral. He helped you when he hurt you. True. He was chaotic neutral. Wait, so he has a new name. He becomes like, he becomes like, Scam certainly. He becomes like,

He becomes quite frankly. So a chaotic neutral person doesn't change. No, a true neutral person does not change. Now they're lawful neutral. He's lawful. Yes, I think so. A lawful neutral is just like a libertarian. Yeah.

Just somebody who just rule checks all the time. Don't get upset. You don't know who to call. My name is Ronald Paul. Oh, I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. Anthony, Stan Likely's new persona is well, actually. Holy shit.

Oh, no, I hate him now. Oh, man. Yeah, I liked him before, but now... Yeah, he's well actually. Okay, okay, give me a second to think about Ryan for that. This is so upsetting. Holy fuck, dude. We just got rid of the two most popular characters on the podcast. Ron's gone. Scam likely is a mansplainer. Just follow the rules and listen to me. You're about to get schooled by well actually.

That's pretty good. So immediately, the top hat that he was wearing turns into a fedora. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's over. Sprouts of hair come out of his face and his neck. Holy fuck. So the first thing he does is he crosses his arms and goes, actually, I think the first thing he probably should have done is not let the dog draw any cards at all.

Holy shit, Anthony. If I were me, I would have had one of you try a seaweed snack on its own to see if that's okay. Generally, when somebody is going to offer you something, you want to just try one at a time to make sure that's okay, and then you go in. The fact that you guys all took them at once, that was a rook move. Well, actually, I'm out. And he just sort of struts away and slowly turns two-dimensional and disappears. Oh my god, I hate that guy. I hate it. That guy fucking sucks. As a woman who has been to college and bars, I had a visceral physical reaction to that.

Actually, he leaves and then he comes back and goes, actually, I think I want to see how the rest of this plays out. You might need some of my advice. Get out of here. You definitely need some help. No, no, just hear me out. We could use a pedantic person to help us interpret some of the rules of these cards. That's all I'm saying, guys. That's all I'm saying. We could use a guy who's going to give us the hoppiest IPAs ever.

I almost feel bad for Mr. Mustache because his one dream in life was to like... Let that be a lesson to Mr. Mustache. Scam likely died twice now. It's so sad. Oh my God, the whiplash? If you're a scam likely fan, I'm so sorry.

It's over. Oh my god. There's no way he'd come back again. He would've been better dead. You die a hero or you live long enough to become well actually, I guess. So well actually is leaning up against a tree in what he thinks is a cool pose, but his posture is really bad and he just looks like this weird human goblin. He's got huge pockets, I can tell. Huge pockets. Tipping his fedora, wearing his boondock saints peacoat with a washman pin on it. No, shut the fuck up. It is now Henry's turn to draw from the deck.

Henry, just staggered by the events of the last few minutes, just shudders, and he goes, "I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna draw, but I hope it's not as bad as all that." And with that, he draws... I draw Moon! Oh my god. Moon, you were granted the ability to cast the Wish spell 1d3 times.

Let me describe the Wish spell. Yes, bring it back, Ron. Wish is the mightiest spell a mortal creature can cast. By simply speaking aloud, you can alter the very foundations of reality in accord with your desires. The basic use of this spell is to duplicate any other spell of 8th level or lower. So you can either duplicate a spell or create one of the following effects of your choice. You can create an object of up to 25,000 gold in value that is not a magic item. You can grant up to 10 creatures immunity to a single spell or other magical effect for 8 hours.

You can undo a recent event by forcing a re-roll of any roll made within the last round. Whoa. There's a big asterisk after this wish spell. I'm going to get to the next part because this part is rules lawyer. So you might be able to achieve something beyond the scope of the above examples. State your wish to the DM as precisely as possible. The DM has great latitude in ruling what occurs in such an instance. The greater the wish, the greater the likelihood that something goes wrong.

Yes.

Similarly, wishing for a legendary magic item might instantly transport you to the presence of the item's current owner rather than transporting it to you. The stress of casting this spell to produce any effect other than duplicating another spell weakens you. After you endure that stress, each time you cast a spell until you finish a long rest, you take 1d10 necrotic damage per level of that spell, which will be relevant if you have to fight death or something like that. First of all, I rolled and I got a one, so we have one wish.

Oh, fuck, dude. Shit. So here's what I'm thinking. What if we wish that we gave CERN the deck of many things back at the four nights tournament? Because hear me out. We never saw CERN again after that.

That essentially gives CERN what he wanted originally, and we never run into him again. That doesn't change our timeline. And then CERN gets to make the decision about what to do with his kids. That seems like that's pretty far removed. Yeah, this guy's seen Primer, Henry. So many things could change. That's a pretty big change from a long time ago. Yeah, and if he gets his kids back, that might undo the pyramid. That might undo a lot of stuff, dude. You hear from behind you a voice go...

Do you want me to tell you what to do? Is that Scam? Scam, is that you? You turn around and he goes, actually, my name's Will, actually. Oh, okay, that's... And what you want to do, I don't know if you were listening when you felt the truth of the cards inside of your soul, but...

The wish card says that you can undo a single recent event by forcing a reroll, and you just rolled a one, so I don't know, maybe you could try to force a reroll to get higher than a one so you could have your cake and eat it too. Well, actually, I, uh, yes, and I just made a roll, so, oh. This is why I hate primer. Wait, wait, no, he's saying, no, no, I see what you're saying. Oh, wait, he's right. I can reroll to get more wishes. Of course I'm right. I'm well, actually. Ha ha!

fucking first thing I should do is wish to reroll my wish roll so I can get more wishes but that's the number one rule of all wish stuff is you can't wish towards the wishes that makes no sense Daryl I think it's worth the risk to get more rolls so that the very least we can get Ron back and still try for one more thing but Henry one one thing really quick though you might use this to go for more wishes but it won't even matter there's already a 33% chance

that by doing this, it won't matter how many more wishes you get. You'll no longer be able to cast any more wishes. Glenn, how did you know that? Did your dad tell you about the deck of many things too? Well, actually is whispering into his ear. I turn around. I'm like, thanks. Well, actually, and I give him a thumbs up. This is actually really good that well, actually showed up. Oh gosh, you know what? You're right. What if I get all these wishes and then I can't even cast it? I think we just got to stay the course on this one. Oh,

How many cards have we done? I have three remaining. And I have two. Wait, this is my side. I only have one card. I only have one card remaining. That means we have four cards remaining. You two are the only ones left with cards. Okay. Ooh, you could wish Ron drew a specific card. The problem with doing just Ron draws any other card is there's way worse cards than Donjon and the Dead. There are? Yeah, because Ron drew two cards. There's Void, which is very similar. Yeah, so there's another card essentially exactly like it, and then there's also the card where he has to fight death and stuff like that. I mean, fighting death is probably...

better. I mean, yeah, not knowing of not knowing the car, but death is you have to 1v1 death. Ron could do that. If you were here, he would probably say that he could do that. I have one thought. I'd like to throw one thing in there. I don't know if this would sneakily give you a free because changing events in the past has an effect here and a very simple one, which is you just wish that Ron's

Ron, ever since he was a kid, has always hated seaweed snacks. And what that would do is it would mean that from the beginning, Ron just would never have drawn. Maybe Mr. Mustard, all this stuff would happen. But that seems like a really clean way of being like, yeah, Ron would just not take any seaweed snacks. That's it.

It changes the past a little bit, but not so much. It's not. It's just a tiny switch. It's just the one time he had a bad seaweed snack. He's like, no, thank you. And I like that because everybody shouldn't like seaweed snacks. That's a good idea, Glenn. It doesn't shake things up too much, but it brings our boy Ron back. It just means Ron didn't draw two cards. Exactly. He's run and draw anything. Yes. OK, that's really interesting, Glenn. I like that. That's OK. And also lets you do time travel without doing time travel. Thanks.

You're welcome. Ron, really? Oh, Ron's not here to answer. I just hope that there wasn't any really important part of his life that involves seaweed snacks. Like, hopefully he hadn't been proposed over seaweed snacks or something. All right, I think we've got it. Glenn, that's a really good idea. I hold up the card and I say, I wish that Ron Stampler has always hated seaweed snacks. So as you say that, the card vanishes in your hand and the meta camera that's been watching you the whole time, we zoom back in time to the moment when all of you were running out

of the temple. Canary is standing there with a platter of seaweed snacks and she says, you all look so injured. Take these, they'll give you one D8 worth of health. And Ron, as you look at these seaweed snacks, you remember, as you have almost any time that you've seen seaweed snacks, the moment where your father was pulled into a lake

and drowned. I was lit. Anthony, you and I are on the same fucking page. I was literally, I was like, that's what it is. Okay, okay, sorry I interrupted you. No, you carry it now because you know what I'm talking about. Is that seaweed? Yes, it is. No, I don't want anything to do with that. And don't put it near me. It could get wrapped around all of us and make us eat snacks.

But it'll make you healthier. Oh, that doesn't make you healthier, Canary. Trust me. I've seen terrible things happen with seaweed. Not even in the sea, too. Did you know that seaweed can be not in the sea? It can be in lakes and stuff. I guess it's called kelp then. It's the same sort of basic principle where anything just sort of long. I don't want that. I'm hungry, though. Do you have anything else?

I think they're making fries. We got fries. We got fries. Okay, I'll wait for it. I'll wait for the fries. No, I don't think so. One second, though, Ron. I will take three of those snee-weed snacks, though. Uh-oh. I heard the weed part, so I'm going to grab four. Daryl, who always does the opposite of Ron, grabs five. No.

So we zoom forward in time back to the moment that Henry revealed that he drew the wish card and the wish card comes out of the deck, but written on the card are the words, this card was already used in an alternate time stream and it crumbles to ash in Henry's hands. I'm like, oh geez, I guess I used this on already. Oh weird, I hope I wished for something good. I bet not. Hey Ron. Ha ha.

What'd you use the wish card on, Henry? Gosh, we could have used that for something really cool. Yeah, Henry, you used the wish card and we're still drew cards? Well, jeez, I'm assuming that- Yeah, get his ass. Well, actually, he's like, yeah, dragon. He clearly fucked up. Why are you guys still drawing cards? That feels like, I would have just said don't draw any cards. That's what I would have wished for. Henry, that's so selfish of you to just use the wish card before any of us could even know what it is. I don't know.

know what i did i clearly did something oh geez gee i probably screwed it up though you guys are right heck i clearly didn't do it i'm sorry i'm sorry i screwed up the witch card ah crap what i forgive you oh thanks ron i appreciate that henry you probably did a good job maybe you killed hitler no but you just said hitler you wouldn't know who hitler was if i killed him unless i killed him after he did all the bad stuff you didn't even kill hitler you wish

my God, I didn't wish to kill Hitler. Oh, no, man. That's jacked up. I don't know about Henry, man. No, Glenn doesn't care that his kids smoke weed, but at least he would have killed Hitler. Yeah, Henry, I might be the worst dad out of all of us, but I would even I would have gotten killed. It's a lot of pressure. I probably just didn't think about it. I was probably freaking out about something else. Only one thing I think about.

think about any time someone comes up well actually it's like if you had killed hitler it would have been like the end of the mark walberg planet of the apes you would have been in this world and everybody was hitler it would have been real bad ron what were you gonna say i feel like there's a part of my soul that felt like we missed you for a moment and i just want to make sure that from now i listen to you yeah i mean like i don't know about you guys the last like uh hour or so it's been so boring i was bored she's like it wasn't even here god

I haven't been this bored since I watched the movie Don John. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Maybe Glenn can spice it up for us. Glenn, we want to pull that card and see what happens. All right, Glenn, it's your turn. Glenn, Drew, sun. All right, so sun. Sun means... You piece of shit! Sun means you gain 50,000 XP and a wondrous item. Oh, fuck!

Of course! This is so upsetting. Yo, the deck is lulz! The Glenn level's up again! Oh my goodness. Wait, how much XP? How much XP is 50,000 XP? Let me look up XP level. Dude, no, no, no. This puts me to like level 11, dog. Dude, fucking Glenn is the worst. You're halfway to level 13. Oh my god, you're right.

Oh, no. I feel powerful.

Fucking Glenn's hair just turns blonde and shoots straight up like he's going Super Saiyan. So Glenn levels up like twice. Oh my God, I hate Glenn so much. Sorry, give me a second. Let me just manage my levels, boys. I'm going to send you the link to the wondrous item that you get. And you're going to go ahead and tell me what that is, Glenn. You're going to tell all the listeners what that is. I'm putting it in chat right now. I actually had this picked out beforehand. The fact that it goes to you is especially appropriate. Ahem. In my hands appears...

The apparatus of the crab. The giant enemy crab. The giant enemy crab, guys! This item first appears to be a large, sealed iron barrel weighing 500 pounds. Which you can carry now because you're level 13 or whatever. The barrel has a hidden catch, which can be found with a successful DC 20 investigation check. Releasing the catch unlocks a hatch at one end of the barrel, allowing two medium or smaller creatures to crawl inside. Ten levers are set in a row at the far end.

When the levers are used, the apparatus transforms to resemble a giant lobster. This lobster is an icy 20, 200 hit point, 30 feet immune to poison and psychic giant enemy crap.

that I can pilot. This is the best shit ever. Oh my God, Glenn would have a weapon that's his high school mascot. Oh shit, you're right. That's right. That was a college mascot. Yeah, he's fighting crabs. So Henry can turn into a bear, but you can turn into a metal crab now.

You have a mech. Glenn leveled up three times against a mech? The one thing that Glenn didn't have was any combat ability, and now he just has. He's the most Mary Sue piece of shit in the entire fucking party. Holy shit. The Aperos floats on water. It can go underwater to 900 feet.

The creature in the cold card party can use an action to move any of the levers. And then the levers do just like awesome shit. Can you imagine how much better it would be if Ron got all those things? Now, if Glenn does have to pass a DC 20 intelligence check to figure any of that out, I'm just going to put that out there. I am at level 12 really quick. Before we level you up, can we do the last card, please? Let's do the final Henry card.

Henry is still kicking himself for blowing it on the wish card, which he thinks he screwed up. And he sees Glenn go super sand and then get a giant barrel. And I,

This deck, I just, let's get this over with. This is stressing me out. I drew Star. Star? Oh, this one's boring. This increases one of your ability scores by two. The score can exceed 20, but can't exceed 24. Hey, all right. Henry feels a little bit, I really want to waste it on something stupid. Like I don't want to do something that's going to help Henry. Get some gains, bro. Yeah, Henry gets a little more yoked. Hot Henry. So,

So Henry now has an 11 strength. So Henry draws the card and then he feels like his dad bod just kind of tighten up like a little bit. Like he did a personal trainer once a week for a year. He's a little bit more fit. Mostly his blood pressure went down. Okay. So, uh, and he goes, okay, so, uh,

Oh, gee, is that it? Did we do it? Are we done? I have two more. I have two more cards. Wait, do you really? Oh, shit, you do. Yeah. All right, two more cards. You ready? Yeah. Okay, guys, so far this has gone pretty good other than I guess one person really hates me and we didn't kill Hitler. The third card I drew is Skull. Skull. Instantly.

A ghostly, humanoid skeleton who looks exactly like Doug, clad in a tattered black robe and carrying a spectral sight, appears ten feet in front of you. It points a gnarled, bony finger at you, and it says, You 1v1.

1v1 me, bro. I knew Doug was evil. So you have to fight this thing until either you die or it drops to zero hit points and disappears. If anyone tries to help you, an avatar of death also spawns for them. If you are killed by the avatar of death, you cannot be restored to life. Okay. So Glenn knows all this? Yes, Glenn knows everything I just said. All right, so I have a question.

What level is Henry's mom? Henry's mom is level 16. So the card also says you can't be revived if death kills you.

Right? A creature slain by an avatar of death cannot be restored to life. Henry's mom, if she's a level 16 cleric, at level 9, clerics get a spell called Raise Dead, and within 10 days, she can bring you back to life. If we killed Glenn, then death didn't kill him, right? But death didn't force Glenn to get killed either. We killed Glenn. Because Glenn could not stop for death, we kindly killed Glenn. Oh my god.

So here's the thing. Here's the thing. The phrasing of this does say that Glenn must win the battle alone. It doesn't necessarily say that he has to lose it alone. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

It specifically says the helper summoned its own avatar of death if anyone tries to help you. Now, technically, that would be us trying to help him. That's true. So if you do want to do that, you will save Glenn, but you will also then spawn your own individual avatars of death. Glenn's level 13 and he has a crab. He's the best one. Look, I will say this. You could not have written this better. He literally leveled up three times and got a giant crab.

This is his punishment. Yeah. Hear me out. We killed Glenn. Three more enemies pop up and then we all stab each other. And then we all die.

If you want to try that, and then my mom resurrects all of us. If you want to try that, you can try that, but you're going to have to make fucking pretty good dexterity rolls to simultaneously stab each other. We TPK ourselves? I am fully on board with that insane plan, but you're going to have to make some fucking dexterity rolls to get the synchronicity down. No, let's let Glenn should fucking fight this thing. It's his comeuppance. The avatar of death shows up, points at me, and I kind of do this. I do the like, who, me? And I look behind me and there's no one there. I'm like, oh, me. And I go, guys, guys.

Don't worry about it. Okay. I got this, motherfucker. Don't forget, I'm a rock and roll Christmas musician. It's not like I haven't danced with death before on stage. We can help you, Glenn. We'll help you. No, this is great, actually. I've been needing a rest. I feel like we've been doing a lot of fighting and stuff lately. You can't help me. I feel this in my bones. Yeah, that's good. Okay.

A lot of convincing necessary. If you step into this battle, another avatar of death will be summoned. Well, I don't want either of those things. So you guys. You've made the sale to Ron. Ron's already sold. I'm just letting you guys know, I guess out of courtesy. Yeah, it's all good. I guess Daryl steps back and kind of pushes the kids back with him. Everyone step back. I say one moment, Doug. I just want to say one thing to my party boy, Glenn. And I go to Glenn. I say, Glenn. It's better not help him in any way. Oh, is that Doug? Doug, hey, really quick. Did you kill that person? I'll never tell.

Hey, Doug, really quick. Did you sign that paperwork for your college? Because we can't really have like unpaid interns unless we know that you're getting college credit. I was great at my job. You know that. Okay. See you, Doug. Hey, Glenn.

Via con Dios. Via con Dios. I look death straight in the eye and I go, there's one problem, death. You didn't calculate one thing. And I hold up my single remaining card. I still have one more card. This is like Yu-Gi-Oh. Anthony, can I turn this card over? Please do. You forget one thing, death. I still have. Oh no. Anthony, I'd like to read the description for this one. Please do.

The void. No! No! Shut up. This black card spells disaster. Wait, you saved yourself.

My soul is drawn from my body and contained in an object in a place of the DM's choice. One or more powerful beings guard the place. While my soul is trapped in this way, my body is incapacitated. A wish spell cannot restore my soul, but the spell reveals the location of the objects. I draw no more cards. So, Glenn, you feel disaster.

Fill your soul. You feel blackness. That's a hard whiplash, by the way, from how I've been writing this whole episode. Can I just say real quick? So you feel... Wait, Ron was... Gosh, I'm glad that didn't happen to me. Suddenly, you feel a cold feeling starting from your toes and your fingertips curling inward toward your heart. And you feel as if something essential to you, something, all the love that you have, all the emotions that you have, everything that makes you you is drawn out of you.

and whisked away across the plains and across Faerun, your body slumps over incapacitated. And the Avatar of Death who is about to fight you, it looks up at something the rest of you humans can't see. And its head begins to like crane as it like looks across the sky as if it's following something

And then it just starts sprinting, like, really fast. Like, I gotta go get that fucking soul! That's the only way I can kill him! I gotta get that fucking soul! And he's, and Death just starts, like, sprinting as fast as he can along the goddamn landscape to try to chase down Glenn's soul and destroy it inside of the container that it has been whisked away into. And that's the kind of effort we like to see from our interns. LAUGHTER

It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, cause that's just life, all you do is try, and it'll be alright.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Max and Waller. Special thanks to our Patreon supporters. Folks like Nick Adams, Jonna Van Dorn, Katrissa, Carl D. Busca, Sam Tlustos, M. Audette,

Thank you.

These are just some of the names of the many folks that make this podcast possible. We have some very fun Patreon goodies coming up, too. So if you want the first crack at listening to the Pokemon Go to the Polls one-shot we just recorded for election season, or the Walter and Peyton one-shot where we, the players, are going to become the DM and Anthony has to play by our rules for once, we're actually recording that this week, or even the new special ASMR episode of Debate Me, Coward, where we put you, the listener, in the chat.

in the incredibly uncomfortable position of being in between Matt and myself as we argue about something. We have some wild bonuses coming up for our patrons, and that's going to be available for everyone at all levels. So you can find that at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. It's going to be coming out in the next month. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter, Dungeons and Dads. Dungeons and Daddies is our subreddit. Thank you so much for listening. Our next episode's coming at you October 27th, so we will see you then.

Actually, I'm really excited to tell two of my college ex-boyfriends about Well, Actually, because I feel like they don't see themselves represented in podcasts enough. Holy shit. Nuclear burn, Beth.

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