Ep. 41 - oaklore
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Legends of the Hidden Dungeon with your guide, Canary. And here she is now. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Welcome to Legends of the Hidden Dungeon. The rooms are filled with mysterious clues to the past that are protected by randomly generated monsters. Only Barry Oak knows about the legends hidden inside this dungeon. Which one are we going to hear about today? The legend of the Secret of the Oaks. One of these teams will learn the secret. Will it be the Purple Pupper? I'm a dog that's also a man.

That's a dog. Bark, bark. That's me talking to myself as a dog. The Emerald Elf. Hey guys, Henry here. Just trying to do my best and find out the secret history of my family's origins. Want some grape nuts? The Miami Dolphin. That's right, Miami Dolphin. His name is Dan Marino. I'm just pumped to be here. Like the 1984 Super Bowl. We're going to go fast. We're going to go in hard. You're going to give me the ball and I'm going to...

Wait, really? Like, right away I died. The Crimson Conspiracist. Whoa, no way, man. Not me. Not playing this game, man. You can't make me play your game. Hey, take that camera off of me, man. Hand that off. Hand that off of me. The Piss Boy. The Piss Man, baby. Or the Turquoise Twins. Power. Oh, they're running right for the dungeon entrance. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, and these days, slightly more of a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the

of the group. He's got a cover band and this week's dad fact, we've talked a little bit about his eating habits last time. This time, we're going to talk about his sauce habits. Glenn makes what he calls Rancho Bandito sauce. Ha ha ha!

his signature blend. Tell me everything. Rancho Bandito sauce is as follows. One, buttermilk ranch, like ranch dressing. Two, hot sauce. Some kind of hot sauce, which he's still trying to figure out. And he's not going to be the kind of guy who like has a hot sauce holster, but he definitely has like a cabinet in the kitchen that's just hot sauces. Yes.

Yes. I was wondering who the hot sauce dad was going to be. And he fancies himself like a hot sauce gourmand. Yes. Didn't we talk about, I feel like we talked about hot sauce in like the second episode. Probably, but that was a while ago. Yeah. What is his favorite? Like, cause I have a friend who has a hot sauce dad and like, he's got like, there's always one with like a donkey, like with a flame shooting out of its butthole and it's called like old butt.

blower or whatever it's like what is what is glenn's favorite hot sauce in his collection he has a hot sauce that's an artisanal one called spicy meatball and it's like a cartoon of an italian chef doing italian hands and it's like not a good hot sauce like it is like not at all spicy but it's just like he was like yeah this label is pretty cool man this is marinara

It's just marinara sauce with tapatio, and it's called Spicy Amitabal. I hate when I go to the grocery store for tapatio, and they're like, we only have Old Ash Blower. And I'm like, okay, fine. The boys will be really bummed at this football game. We here at Old Ash Blower have been making hot sauce for over 100 years. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian upon entering the Forgotten Realms.

I wanted to kind of just talk about like a really important moment in Daryl's life today, which is his first time going to Disneyland. Of course, that's what I'm talking about. Come on. It was very wonderful. I hate every dad. It was senior year of college. It was right when they graduated. Carol was taking some time off before getting into grad school. Daryl didn't think he was going to be a Disney guy, but he had such a great time on Pirates of the Caribbean and everything. And they were going to stay there for a couple of days. They got the whole package. And he was like,

And yeah, the first day was just perfect. Like at the Disney hotel and shit. Yeah. Yeah. They stayed at the Paradise Pier. And then he also fucked for the first time. You know what I'm saying? Paradise Pier first time. This was about his first time. I knew it. I knew it too. I smelled a rat the second you started talking. Damn it. She took him to Splash Mountain. Yeah. Took him to Splash Mountain. By the way, Daryl's pin is the room number.

that he screwed in at Paradise Pier. That's most of his passwords are those digits. 69, 69. Yeah, they both laughed. They weren't going to do it, but they couldn't not do it when they got 69, 69. That's the root number, of course. All right. What's everybody's favorite Disneyland ride real quick? I'm a Haunted Mansion guy. Splash Mountain. Probably the one I lost my virginity on, which was the Jungle Cruise and also the monorail. And then also Space... Yeah, I fucked on everything. Don't ever go to Disneyland.

No, guys. I actually haven't been to Disneyland since I was very... It was pretty small. Pretty small person. Quick tip. Use the app to get Dole Whip. All right. That's awesome. I still don't know what it is. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play the fictional character Henry Oak on the podcast Dungeons and Daddies. Why is that so funny? Because we've done 40 of these, Anthony. Sometimes it's just good to remind people. I can't explain why calling him a fictional character is inherently very funny. No.

The people and names in this podcast are fictional. Any resemblance to living or dead, hippie nature, druid, crunchy, munchy, Birkenstock rockin', hippie nature, druid dads is purely fictional. Henry's dad fact today. It's been a while since I did a classic. I did it up Henry's style. A classic, baby. A classic. I did it up Henry's favorite style. Babe Ruth pointing a shot. Here we go. So Henry, as you all know, is a rapper.

And, you know, I know that like we had some fun goofing on like that. Henry probably doesn't know a lot about rap, that he only listens to Hamilton. But he's into the indie scene, guys. He's on SoundCloud listening to those SoundCloud artists. And his favorite SoundCloud artist is a thunderstorm. Oh, my goodness. Yeah.

This is so upsetting. You know what's the best part of that joke? I'm just going to do a little commentary on my joke right now. All right. You know, the second I say SoundCloud, you know what's going to happen. And then I just drag you out for the rest of the second you open your mouth. I know it's going to happen. Hello. I am the fictional person Beth May playing the real person. Wrong. Stampler. Emotionally detached stepfather and rogue.

Fun fact about Ron this week, and I think I might be sort of retconning a few things here, but we have a little fun on the podcast in case you didn't know. We work hard, we play hard. As a treat. As a little treat. So I was kind of trying to think of what sort of started off Ron's not only interest in being a businessman, but his like confidence in business. And I came to the conclusion that, you know how like in high school's

for track teams or like bands or whatever you have to sell chocolate or so yeah yeah yeah so i think that he got like the boxes of chocolate or whatever and then went home to tell his parents like yo i'm on track i feel like he would be a track person like he wouldn't be fast but he would just kind of zone out shot put yes i was literally thinking shot yeah because those legs legs are important in shot put and also you don't run as much as everyone else is like that seems appealing i feel like he's a good runner

But that's neither here nor there. That's another fact. A little free fact. Save one for next episode. I'm sorry. Oh my gosh. He's been running from his dad ever since childhood. So I think that he went home to tell his parents that he was like selling chocolate and then asked them if they wanted to buy any. And instead of just, you know, buying the few boxes that normal parents do or whatever,

his dad really bought the entire thing with the plans to like upsell it somewhere else. And so like, so like Ron went back to the school and he'd already sold all of his boxes and he was really proud of himself. Yeah.

Oh, there's a lot to unpack there. How did Willie do on those track candies? Did he flip them? Very poorly. He just ate them all year. He melted in his trunk. Probably blamed Ron for it. Melted in the car is the best answer. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I guess I also play a fictional character, Beth May. That's true. And I am also your dad.

Hi, Dad. My fact today is that yesterday we recorded the first part of a two-part crossover with literally my favorite podcast, Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey, we're a podcast too. Come on. Hey. Hey, story break. Hey, story break. Come on. That's what we get for never having him on. I said what I said. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah.

And I was hoping... I was going in and I was like, okay, well, as long as I don't admit that I really like their podcast and look like an asshole, it'll be fine. And then I did that immediately and I was like, oh, no, I'm an asshole. And I was like, okay, well, as long as they're not funnier than us, I'll be fine. And they were immediately funnier than us. I was like, oh, no. And then as long as they're not really nice, it'll be fine. And then they were also really nice. So...

Just overall, a big loss for us and a big win for the listeners. What a disaster that we made a great podcast episode with someone who turned out to be super cool. Wait, Anthony, have either of them given somebody a kidney? Oh, damn. I'll email them back right now and be like, guess what, cucks? Yeah.

And folks listening, you can expect that bonus episode dropping on our feed next week. This time, the eighth. Next, we got both this episode. Will and I are about to record a bonus episode with them, too. And so now that we know that they're like really funny or whatever, we're just going to be like, he's going to be there with you, too. You guys got the easy one because you got them on our podcast. You had a home podcast advantage. Oh, yeah. And I are walking into the fucking jungle. We've got to go improvise with.

Supervisors. I'm going there too. What are you talking about? Improvisation. Improvisation, which is not what I do. And then riddles, which is not what I do. I want to see a scene. All three of us are on a podcast and we're bad at improvising. Okay, cool. Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome to my podcast. It's about being in a... Yes, and I am on the podcast too. No, you're not. No, you're not. It's happening. It's called a podcast because you're all whales. Is it currently for sale, this candy? No.

To summarize, you were in Oakvale and a couple of you had gone down into the dungeon to find out the secrets of Henry Oak's backstory. Daryl immediately died despite his Dan Marino. Immediately is a little rough, a little unfair. Daryl died quicker than anybody else on record. Okay, I'll accept that.

And went back to the base camp where his body was. Glenn has been talking to Canary, trying to organize some sort. I don't understand what he's doing. I'm sure Freddy's playing some crazy long con, but apparently he's trying to like introduce fried food or something. He's just hungry and he wants to introduce these people to his Rancho Bandito sauce. Okay. Ron in the form of a dog and Henry in the form of slightly sexier Henry met a couple of goblins. I want to clarify that I did not say that elf Henry was sexier. I just said he had elf ears and no glasses.

I'm just making an objective judgment based on your subjective statement. He looks a little bit different. It's just fact. He would be hotter. The she's all that version would be a person without elf ears and glasses, and they would take off the glasses and put elf ears on, and then now you're going to date the hottest guy in school. Yeah, Henry has a paint flecked onesie. Glasses off, ears up. You've met two goblins who said that their boss is in the dungeon somewhere. They were leading you up to floor two of the dungeon. And then back on the surface... Anthony? Yes? Did I level up?

in the D&D 1.0? No. No, you did not. Nor will you ever. Worth a shot. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. That's true. Which is also about my hit rate as a level one character in this game. Glenn and Daryl and Payton were talking to Canary. The Lord of Chaos broke away from the group, sped up,

sprinted as fast as I could. Oh, fuck, that's right. Oh, jeez. And leapt toward the entrance to the dungeon, screaming, power! So, Freddy, because you passed your perception check, I'll give you one action at disadvantage because Lord of Chaos is a squiggly one. I want to use my action to jostle Daryl. I'm like, yo, yo, check it out. It's going to be awesome. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Glenn is the worst dad. So he does that. Daryl looks. I did spend some time really thinking about trying to save these little kids. You got to give me like slow motion replay. Like what? By the time I turned because Freddie spent his entire action to show me that these kids are going to kill themselves. Great. Thank you. No, they're just going to get really old, which is going to be awesome.

How much time? What's happening? Are they like inches away? Can I do anything? No, they're in midair. The only person who could have done anything would have been Freddy. And he did what he did. I turn and as I see them, I make the sign of the cross. That is all I do. That's all he has left. And I go, dear God, no. And in slow motion, as they leap into the dungeon, you can see the cloak falls off of Lark's head. And in slow motion, he's like, God can't help you.

I go sprinting to the hatch to see what I see. You are not fast enough. Lark and Sparrow land. I cannot believe this is fucking happening. The impact makes them fall off of one another's shoulders. So they like fall onto the step. And for a second, you can't see them because they're like beneath the lip of the dungeon hatch. I'm pulling my belt off as I run.

Why? Because I don't know how deep this thing is. I'm trying to save their lives is all I'm trying to do right now. After a second, as you're running up, you see Larkin Sparrow stand up and they're going, oh no, oh no.

And they're like wiggling and stuff like that. And then they go, just kidding. Ah, we're powerful. We'll never die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And nothing about them seems any different. They're like, all right, we're going to go save daddy. See you boys in a bit. And then they start trudging down the dungeon steps. I go, stop, stop. Hey, hey. What? What?

So like you guys are, so like nothing happened down there? You guys are, let me see your hands. So, you watch as both of them very clearly, visibly restrain themselves from flipping you the finger and they just put their hands up like palms out and they go, these are the hands that are about to go save our father from certain death. And they begin to descend the stairs.

Oh my goodness. I was so looking forward to 50 year old versions of those voices. That was the only thing. The frog aged a hundred frog years last time. That was the only thing that was keeping me through this week was to be like, I want to hear Anthony's old person versions of Larkin's spirit.

actually you know what they do when they come back up and they're going like well it's hurting they probably go like oh no we're turning old we're so old taxes politics i gotta go to bed at nine now i'm tired i have a mortgage so they're 27 now glenn they're totally fine hey canary what the hell's going on these kids are not dead which is good i'm happy about that is that a problem

The frog died. The frog didn't die. Age 100 years. He's probably still over there just chilling, being like old and like just hanging out a little bit, being like, you know, I just think you got to explain what's going on here because the single base member we have went down there and is totally fine and just walked in without getting hurt. I don't

know what to tell you. I don't know. Maybe they're, well, okay. Actually, one thing I do know is that if somebody goes in, this is going to sound misleading because this is almost certainly not the answer to your quandary, but it's something you should know unrelatedly. But I'm pretty sure that anything that goes down there that's immortal, it doesn't change in any way. It ages, you know, a hundred years, but it doesn't make a difference because like it doesn't have an ultimate age, an age of death. It doesn't age.

Um, mortal. I don't think that's it. I don't think that those two kids are immortal. Maybe it's like how only Wolverine could survive the surgery to implant adamantium into his skeleton because like he already had the power that allowed him to like heal. You know, it's like maybe they were specifically like formed. Glenn, you want to dip your toe? Maybe just like touch the board. No, no, dude. I saw what happened to that fucking frog, dude. I'm not about to be about that life.

I just feel bad. Like they shouldn't go in there. It's dangerous. We can't follow them. Well, you can't follow them. Why would somebody like stick my finger in? Will my finger age? Absolutely. Okay. I slowly start moving my finger in. Which finger? My right finger. My right finger? You psychopath. You have five on each hand. My left pinky. My left pinky. Okay. I start dipping it like I'm testing water and I start slowly moving it to the boundary of the hatch. Holy shit.

So roll dexterity, I guess. I don't want those kids to die. They might not make it to you.

Roll sleight of hand. Sleight of finger. Yeah, divide your roll by five. Okay, roll sleight of hand. Oh, math joke for y'all. Keep still playing along. That's the way old. What would Dungeons and Daddies be without horrific Daryl hand trauma? I got an eight. So you try to dip in with just your one pinky, but the shock of what happens to that pinky freaks you out so much that for a second you lose control of the hand that's keeping you stable and your whole left hand just dumps inside. Wait, who?

puts their hand in hot water and then when it's hot punches it in. I gotta side with Daryl on that one. That feels like the opposite of a fire hot freak out reaction. Okay, okay, okay. So what happens is his right hand comes around and goes like no! Yeah. Well he falls back but then one of his feet goes in. You can do whatever you want. No, it's fair. That's fair. Okay, so what happens is just instead of just the little fingernail part of your pinky, the whole pinky goes in before you realize what's happening. Oh!

And your pinky ages a hundred years and it is now vestigial and dead at the end of your hand. It's so weird. He has a hundred year old pinky? Guys, do you think that Carol will be like more inclined to get a divorce or less inclined?

Glenn, don't go in there. Sorry. I think it's just like a bone. And then I tap it and it just crumbles into dust. No, you don't get that out that easy. It's like an old, wrinkly, 100-year-old person finger. There are people that are 100 years old, Matt. Their fingers don't just turn into dust.

Yeah, but they're not 130 years old. 134. And let's be fair, Daryl's probably living to 60. So like, it's another 60 years of writing. But yeah, no, it's definitely still on there. If you do anything forceful enough with your finger from this point on, then it'll come off. It'll be a dramatic moment. Then it'll come.

I break it off. I break it off. I go canary wrap me up and I break off my old. I'm not keeping this old. This is disgusting. Glenn, this is horrifying. I can't look at this anymore. You should love every part of your body. You are a beautiful shrine, a temple. All right, kids, just go find your dad, I guess. That's what we plan on doing. High nine. Glenn, why were you watching them? Oh, God, brutal. I just got that.

Yeah. Great job, Daryl. Hey, Glenn, good job watching those kids. Glenn puts a measured finger to his chin and strokes and goes, I think I screwed that one up. He strokes his chin with his pinky. Just gloating. Look what I can do.

Let's cut back into the dungeon. So the two of you are following these two goblins up to the second floor of the dungeon. Okay. You come into the second floor of the dungeon. So you are at the northernmost part of this room, and there are exits to the east, the west, and the south. All the doors are closed there. On the floor in front of you, basically on the south half of the room, are 26 separate tiles that all have different symbols on them. It seems to be kind of like worn away. Hmm.

Are there any symbols or any writing on the doors themselves? If you want to investigate the door on the south part of the room, you could do that. There's like some dust covering what seems to be a message that was like recently like carved into it. Would we have to walk across these tiles to get to that door?

They do go up to the edges of the wall. So you would have to either walk over them or like... Henry, if you take that stick and you use one of the bags or something, a part of your gear that's sort of fabric-y, you can dust it off like in a fairy tale. Oh, that's a great idea. And just be like, this is what this door says. It's like a 10-foot Swiffer. That's what you're going after. Yeah, absolutely. Before we do that, though, hey, goblins, what are your names?

One of them bows at you and says, my name is Jenny K. And that's from Jason Dutton. The other one says, my name is Dom Wook Ooskrawl. And that was by Philip Cuvillon. So Jenny K. and Dom Wook Ooskrawl. Yeah, you can call us Jenny and Dom if you wish. Okay, I think I'll do that, yeah.

Okay, Jenny and Dom, what can you tell us about this room? Do you remember coming up here? Do you know where your boss is? I think she must be on the third floor. Oh, why didn't we pay attention to that? You should have paid attention to the password. I know I should have paid attention to the password. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, Jenny and Dom, it's okay. We're all in this together. We're all gonna figure it out, you know? I just wanna, you know, let's all stay positive. The first puzzle to solve is the puzzle of teamwork. So, you know, this seems like- But what about this floor? Well, that's the second puzzle. Now, if I-

count right, I see that there's 26 blocks here and there's 26 letters in the alphabet. So I wonder if this is like we got to spell out some sort of message. But first things first, these blocks look a little dusty. I think I'm going to go ahead and do that 10 foot Swiffer idea that Ron came up with. Great idea, Ron. That's part of good teamwork. Like the first puzzle of good teamwork is how to do a good compliment.

You know, you just got to say nice things to each other. So great job, Ron, Jenny and Dom. You guys have wonderful names. And I'm going to go ahead and dust off these 26 left. Jenny and Dom have got it going on. When you say they have nice names, they turn a slightly more intense shade of green and like, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, he's nice. He's nice. He seems nice. He seems nice. I hope we don't have to kill him. I hope so, too. I hope so, too. So as you swift away one of the... So are you going to pick one close to you or one far from you? We'll start with one far. Yeah. Since you asked. Yeah, I realized now that I asked, I'm like sort of giving you a hint there. Why don't you just give me... I don't think this is in the D&D 1.0 rules, but whatever. Give me just a D20 roll just for luck's sake. Just for shits and giggles. Okay.

I got a natural one. Oh, no. Okay, so with a natural one, you, uh... Die. Die.

Yeah, you just die. It's weird. You just get a heart attack. You're so ashamed. No, the Swiffer comes down and hits the tile that you were trying to dust too hard, and the tile depresses into the ground, and a spike shoots up from that tile like really suddenly, like six feet, just really, really sharply and really suddenly. It happens so quickly that it snaps your 10-foot pole, the non-mage hand 10-foot pole, in half. So now you have two 5-foot poles, one of which is on the other side of the room.

Not to tell you how to do your job, Anthony, but wouldn't it be less lucky if it didn't trigger the trap so they thought it was totally fine? Matt spends one goddamn podcast with a group of people that actually are funnier than us and really know how to play in D4 Reels and all of a sudden... Wow, Matt's throwing elbows today. This shit ain't good enough for us. Oh, boy. Well, that was surprising. I'm going to go ahead and... Let's hope that that was Z. I

I just don't see a lot of Z words. So maybe that was true. Yeah. Has the writing on this thing been revealed with a one? Let's say to make it even more punishing to make Matthew happy. Let's say that the pole lands in such a way that it's blocking whatever the writing on that particular one was. Could I use my dog nose to see if any of them smell different than the other? Oh, nice, nice, nice, nice. Why don't you?

Yeah, just go ahead and give me a give me a D20 roll for that, because why not? Pretty sure I'm not going to bother looking through the D&D 1.0 rules, but I suspect that use dog nose is not going to be a thing that they have. Why would you think that? Have a little faith. I got a natural 20. Oh, wow. Yeah. There are three rows of these tiles. And you can tell that all the tiles nearest to you in that particular row, none of them smell any different.

The second row, the one sort of the middle row, the one that's one row away from you, you can tell that there are four tiles that smell different. And then on the third, the furthest one, because your natural 20 means your nose is very strong.

You can tell that there are also four tiles. So we got four in the second row and four in the third row. Are they vowels? You can't tell because you just smelled. How many squares, how many tiles are in each row? So in the first row, the one nearest to you is seven. The middle row is nine. And the last row is ten. Okay, so it's a QWERTY keyboard as I am looking at my QWERTY keyboard and that seems to check out. One, two, three.

Oh, man. 7, 8, 9, 10. Hmm. Guys, I'm getting a flash of intuition here. I feel like this is a giant keyboard. Because, you know, the rows, they seem to line up with like a keyboard. And there's been a lot of stuff from our world. Do you guys have keyboards here? I say this to Jen and Dom. They go, like a piano? Like a music-making instrument.

Yes, almost, but a music-making instrument that writes words instead of playing notes. That's the dumbest. So the south door is blocked by these tiles. What about the east and west doors? The east and west doors are accessible. You could reach them easily on your own. Guys, I think we should maybe inspect these doors a little bit.

we should see what's going on in this room a little bit more, right? I feel like that's, that feels like that kind of the thing so far. That's Henry using his mist intuition to know that you should look around and get all the clues you can before you tackle a puzzle. This seems like a good old fashioned mist puzzle to me. So I'm going to go take a look-see at the Western door.

Okay. Careful look-see. I'll go to the east one, but after you go to the west one so that, you know, we're not sort of on top of each other. That's true. We need to stagger our system here. So, Anthony, I want to remind you that as an elf, I have the ability to sense secret doors. And regular ones. Is my door-dar picking up anything other than the doors I see with my two beautiful eyes? No. Okay. Well, then I go to the western door-dar.

Okay, so both of you are basically going to, I presume, sort of do a searchy kind of like check it out quietly and carefully kind of thing. So I'm going to roll twice on a random wandering monster thing. So if I get a six, a monster will show up. If I get anything else, a monster will not. So first roll, no. Second roll, Henry, you can hear inside the Western room like a voice that's like, Blurr!

Blah? Blah. That's terrifying. Oh my God, it sounds like the mummy that makes me laugh so hard. That they got the voice. Foul to be a voice.

Oh my God, that kills me. It's so funny. This week, researchers in England let us hear what a real mummy sounds like. Scientists were able to mimic Nessie Amun's voice by recreating his mouth and vocal cords with a 3D printer. It allowed them to produce a single sound.

From the eastern door, Ron, you don't hear anything. So with the second roll I did for the wandering monster stuff, a monster did come up. Uh-oh. So that tile that the spike came out of...

Basically, the spike stays out for a second, and it seems like it's trying to attract inward, but it can't. And then you see a crab creature sort of scuttling up the spike. It's a very large crab. It's a giant enemy crab? It's not giant. It's a giant enemy crab? I haven't rolled for it yet. It might be your friend. It comes out and is like climbing up the spike and basically stands perched atop the very point of the spike. And now I'm going to roll to see how he feels about you. Massive damage, Will. You could deal massive damage.

So it's a three and a one, which is a four, which means he has a negative reaction. And so the crab looks at you and goes, enemies! And like clicks its claws and stuff. And so it's going to, I believe, get to fight you because it sort of surprised you. So it is going to leap at Henry. Oh, geez. So they surprise you. So it means that the crab gets to go first and then we will roll initiative.

It's been so long. Just for my own interest. So like in Dungeons and Dragons 1.0, like monsters, you roll on a table and they might just be like friendly. Yeah. So basically it says in here that anytime you meet any monster, you roll 2d6. 2d6 is they have a negative reaction to you. So D&D 1 is basically Undertale.

is what you're saying. Kind of, yeah. It's actually a lot, like, despite how brutal the combat is, it's a lot more likely to just be like, oh, you meet a couple of goblins and they're like, chill, which is exactly what happened to you. I was going to say, it's more like, you know, meeting strangers online where it's just like, yeah, okay, yeah. It's still a risk, but hey. But sometimes you get crabs. Yeah.

Nice. It's going to try to do a big ass leap over the first two rows. So another really weird thing about D&D 1.0 is that every single creature in the game does 1d6 worth of damage. Some of them have like more attacks to make them scary, but every single person just does 1d6. The crab leaps through the air, clacking its claws at you, and it slashes across your chest and it does one damage.

Okay. I have two HP. All right. Ow! As you say ow, you hear the thump of footsteps behind you of two very familiar, very fast-paced footsteps. And they go, Father! We have come here to save you from the crab. Aha! What the frickin' ding-dang gosh darn dilly-willy heckin' shark-toothed banana chicanery hootin' tootin' raspberry frickin' fuck are you two doin' here? Ha ha ha!

Oh, he used it. I bark friendlily like, oh. And they go, well, I believe we just told you, father. I'm still getting attacked by a crab, right? So the crab's attack is over. Now the rest of you can go in basically whatever order. So I feel like I'm still mid combat and a crab just took half my health. So I don't know that I'm, I'm just wrestling with this crab. I'm like, I told you boys to stay up there. What's wrong with you? We heard it was dangerous.

Can I just go pick up the crab with my dog muzzle and then shake it around like angry dog, shake it? Sure, roll a d20 and then try to beat whatever it says is the armor class thing there for an armor class of five. Okay, I got a 17. So armor class being five means you only have to roll 10 or higher is what it means. Yes, correct. Go ahead and roll your damage. Four. Whoa. Jeez Louise. For every enemy you meet, it has a certain number of hit dice. I roll that many dice and that's how much HP it has.

So this big ass crab has four hit dice. I'm going to roll 4d6. Whoa! Really? Yeah, it's no joke. So it has 15 health. I probably wasn't supposed to tell you that. You do four damage to it, so you shake it around pretty badly and like one of its legs flies off. When you let go of it, it's like...

He's got like six more, though. Fucking aggro Sebastian over here. The famous seven-legged crab. Henry is going to channel his suppressed rage at his son's disobeying him, and he's going to grab the crab and try to... He's going to grab the crab. The old crab grab. Classic. It's like a surf move. I'm just going to try to throw it back into the spike that it crawled off of. Okay. Let's just shoot that like a normal attack in the D20. Roll.

Gonna roll that bone. I got an 11. So roll a D6. All right, I got three damage. Three damage. Okay, cool. So it's down to you. You kids are driving me crazy. And I throw the crab at the spike. It doesn't get impaled, but it hits it really hard. You hear a crack as the shell on its back

splits into two pieces. When it lands back onto its feet or its little leggies, you can see that the shell is bisected in the middle vertically and it's like, it kind of looks like it has two cool like shoulder pad paulshman things now. I know it's like a QWERTY keyboard, but if the spike was on the letter C, then like the crab could have been under da C. You know? Yeah. All right, let's continue.

Okay, so just reverse all the directions I gave you for the tiles, and then that's canonically true. So we just found out that's this letter C, so we can now reverse engineer the entire board. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You know where everything is. That's inspiration in D&D 1.0. Okay, so now the two goblins have an option to go, and they're like, ah, mm.

And they go, I guess so. You were nice to us. So yeah, let's do this. And so they both are going to shoot bows and arrows. That's why compliments help. Yes. You know, pay it forward. First one misses. Second one hits.

Does three damage. It's down to five health. Lark and Sparrow go now, and they both have their sharpened sticks. They both each have sharpened sticks. They're dual-wielding sharpened sticks. Yeah, dual-wielding. They're both wielding two sharp sticks, and they look at each other, and Lark says, remember, just like Glenn and Daryl taught us. And Sparrow goes, absolutely, sir. And they're both going to roll. Oh, good thing I made little fighters out of them. Okay, so Sparrow misses, and Lark hits, and he does...

for damage. And so... Whoa! We deserve some credit for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys get XP. This crab is barely, barely hanging on. It's got, like, one little, like, limb that's still twitching. And so it's going to make a morale roll.

And it fails that roll, so it just goes... And it goes back under the sea. Downward Twitter, it's better. Take it from he. Okay, so you're now out of combat, and your two sons are like, Father, we saved you, just as intended. And they do the Final Fantasy VII victory. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da. Father, the remake came out. You played it for us. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Henry is pacing back and forth, beet red, his fists balled up, and he does a deep breath, he goes...

And then I sit down on the ground and close my eyes. And I go, one, two, three, four, five. What's he counting for? Is he going to explode? Sparky curls up next to Henry. And I heard that dogs make your blood pressure lower. You can pet me. Thanks, Ron. And I'm petting Ron, but like way too hard to pet a dog. Just like, thanks, Ron. I appreciate that. I really appreciate that.

Boys. If your blood pressure got high enough, you could use it as a sort of hemoglobin water gun to destroy your enemies. Boys, I am sorry that I lost my temper, but I'm pretty surprised that you came down here for a lot of reasons. For one, where were Glenn and Daryl? I told you to listen to them, so what happened with that? Glenn seemed

to be of the opinion that it was important to discuss culinary delights with Canary, our fair host. Interesting. Daryl was next to him. These culinary delights have culinary ends. Daryl was next to him. Okay. And I just, help me get on your level, boys. You saw what happened with the frog. Why did you think it was okay to jump into the cage? I don't know. We'll get to why you didn't turn 100 years old because I'm very relieved that

that that didn't happen. And honestly, that's probably keeping me from getting a little bit upset with you guys. When you said, let me get on your level, your kids go, oh, absolutely, no problem. They immediately get back on each other's shoulders so that Lark is staring you in the face. He says, well, quite simply...

We're special! We're special! And he and Lark hug each other, like, he jumps back off of Sparrow's arms, and they just hug each other, they go, we're special, we're special boys. You boys sure are special, you're my two beautiful boys, but that doesn't explain how you got, I don't, oh, gee, what, oh, jeepers creepers. Oak boys go where angels fear to tread. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 1, 2, 3.

11, 12, 13, 14. Daddy, go. Count the highest. Find the highest number. Beat, max, defeat, max. Okay, okay, okay, okay. All right. Okay. This is fine. We'll figure this out, and we'll talk later about listening to the adults when they say don't do something dangerous, okay? But the important thing is that, oh, cheesy crackers. We need to get you guys. Crackers? All right. You got food? We need to get you boys out of here. You can't be in a dungeon. It's really dangerous in here.

I feel like we just killed a crab with very little problem, so I'm feeling pretty confident right now, Father. Yeah, I think any other circumstances, a dog might get a treat for something like that, you know?

We can give you tummy rubs. Yeah. So with practiced dexterity and speed, Lark goes to your head and scratches your ears and Sparrow, with both of his hands out, like his arms outstretched, is like going back and forth across your belly like they've done this many times. Oh. Okay, boys. Yes, father. My leg starts kicking like automatically and it kicks Henry. Father, I believe Ronald is a good boy. Ronald is a very good boy. You two have been...

You two have been good boys in some ways too, but also in some ways you could be better boys. And I'm going to encourage you to be better boys from now on because I clearly can't trust you and I can't trust Glenn and Daryl to watch after you. I'm just going to have to take you along because daddy has some important stuff to figure out in this dungeon. But I'll say this right now. If you two goof off anymore, we're walking right out of this dungeon and we're going to go do something really boring. We're going to balance a checkbook and we're going to do our taxes and

And we're going to do boring adult stuff. So you better shape up if you want to be part of this adventure, okay? We're a team. Okay, we will let you protect us. That's very mature of both of you. I'm very proud that you've gotten on board with that and you're taking me seriously now.

All right. Always. Jen and Dom, these are my two beautiful sons, Lark and Sparrow. Hello. They did not turn into 100-year-old frogs for some reason, even though that seems to be what's going on in this dungeon. We are going to take them along on our adventure. Please just, they're very, very special to me, and we're going to protect them at all costs. So is that okay with you? Yeah, no problem with me. No problem with you, Jenny. No, no problem with me, unless they want to start some shit. If they want to start some shit, there'll be some shit. Okay. And Lark's like, I might want to start some shit. Hmm.

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Well, then let's get back to the business of solving this puzzle. Now, guys, this is a puzzle in a dungeon. It's probably going to be really boring, so I just need you to just hang with me, okay? It's going to take us a second to figure out all the clues, to figure out all the stuff we've got to do. Now, here's a question. What is that obscured on that door that's covered in dust? That big door to the south, that seems like it might be a useful clue. Hold on, let me get into my nifty bag of stuff here. Uh, what do you guys, do you guys think we're going to find any vampires in this dungeon? Ha ha!

I mean, listen, it sounds like it's random encounters and rolls. So, I mean, shit. No, I've got a cross. I'm going to go ahead and I have a jar of holy water.

and so i'm gonna go ahead and throw that at the dusty part of the door to try to wash it off okay one of my favorite things about all the dnd 1.0 stuff is how much stuff is very clearly geared for fighting vampires it's like it's a lot because i also have garlic i have yeah like eight out of 20 items are like vampire geared like specificity it's like 80s there's a lot of because like warhammer has like a vampire who like late 80s a lot of like vampire and

like hard fantasy. Like the Lost Boys came out and everybody was like, ooh, that. Yeah. And like Xanth and like, it feels like all those fantasy covers, all those novels all had like dangerous, scary, sexy vampires. What can I say? Dangerous, sexy vampires. A perennial favorite. So you throw the vial of holy water, it shatters against the door expertly and washes away all the dust and you see carved into that door, where are we?

Maybe you got to type where are we? No, I think you have to answer it with the keyboard. You either got to answer it with the keyboard. Well, there's two other doors, right? So maybe we should check. Hey, this is an interesting clue. I feel like maybe there's other clues in these other doors. This is a weird place. Like, what is this? Like, who does this, right? Like, who builds a whole place and fills it with traps and clues? What's up with that, man?

Come on. Who would build this this way? I asked the goblins, do you guys know anything about this dungeon? Like, what's the deal with this? Oh, yeah. Our boss built this. Your boss built this? Not the whole dungeon. Sorry, just the trap. Basically, this place showed up a long, long, long time ago. And then we sort of came in here and goblins are immortal, as you know. So we didn't turn into bearded goblins and sort of chose to use this place as a cool hideout. Once again, bearded goblins. Yeah, bearded goblins, as you know.

I'm surprised my pinky just didn't get a little beard. But yeah, no, we just forgot what the password. But yeah, now that I'm looking at it, yeah, I think it's either those three words or it's the answer to that question of where this place is. I think there might be hints as to what this place is or where it came from originally around here somewhere. I will go to the east door and, you know, I stand back on my on my back legs and then I kind of root around on the handle for a little bit. And then I'm going to.

and then it opens up. Oh, it's very cute. So you see an item on a pedestal, and you are going to, right now, roll a D100, and I will tell you what that item is. Whoa. Oh, cool. It's like those suits they wore in A Scanner Darkly where it's like kind of taking a bunch of shapes at once you can't figure out. I got a 57. Okay, cool. You know, you could have said that you got a 69, and he would have to believe you.

Damn. That's how you know we're not faking our rolls because... I got a 420 somehow? Okay, so with a 60... Sorry, I literally thought you said 69. We don't fake our rolls on Dungeons & Daddies unless they're 69. So you see a pair of big green gauntlets. Hulk hands, Hulk hands, Hulk hands! Yeah, they look like Hulk hands. Hulkamania. Hulkamania will...

What? Hulk gloves. I know, yeah. I was just saying Hulkamania because it has the word Hulk in it. Leave me alone! Hulk Hogan was required to pay Marvel like $500 every single time that he wrestled for the trademark. Oh, wow. That's pretty cool. Can I use the gauntlets as like armored paws and type things?

Ron, wait. I got a feeling that if we lift those gauntlets off that little pedestal, maybe that gauntlet's going to trigger a trap. It seems like there's a real trap-heavy motif in this place. I don't want that. Go look at the other door. Okay, I'm going to go ahead and open the other door. But you heard something. Okay, so the other door. Actually, no, because I'm an elf. I am going to become invisible, and then I'm going to crack the door open.

That's a thing you can do? Yeah, I remember I said last time, level one elves can like render themselves. Hold on, let me look it up. No, I thought I had a death laser. No, but I actually did my research. Elven cloak and boots. Wearing the cloak makes a person next to invisible while the boots allow for totally silent movement. Okay, so I'm going cloaked up and I'm sneaking in Metal Gear Solid style and I pop the door open to peer inside.

Because you're essentially invisible, you can see inside is, I shit you not, a vampire. God damn it! I literally, I'm pasting it in the chat so you can see I didn't just make this up. This was from my prep. He was always going to be a vampire. I'm not screwing you over. He even went bleh! He even made the vampire bleh! The universe, other than counting out loud, is the universal vampire noise. I can't believe we've fallen for the most obvious vampire.

So back outside the dungeon with the vampire and the children, Canary is working on getting the, I guess, the friar working or whatever. Not that hard, but yeah. I'm like looking at Glenn. I'm like, Glenn, I...

I mean, I'm not saying I would pick up a guitar like today, but like I was thinking about it. Can I still do it with no pinky? Oh, yeah, man. You would be great. Yeah? A hand clamps down on your shoulder, Daryl, and you hear the familiar voice of Ron Stampler going, hey, the music is in you. You know, it's not about what hand you use. Wait, what? Ron Stampler? I'm Ron. And you see Ron Stampler sitting there, and he looks kind of like... Oh, my God. Roll perception. What? What?

Yes! What the fuck? 13. Can you believe this is how Anthony kicked me off the podcast? Glenn, also roll perception. My perception roll comes up as a 1 plus 2, 3, but 1. It's a natty 1.

Both of you feel like it's just Ron being Ron. There's something about him that's a little bit weird. You're just noticing just weirdly the way that he's talking. It's kind of like only his upper lip is moving. Otherwise, it seems like normal. He's like, I believe in you, Daryl. So Ron, we see Ron like Ron's body's up. Yeah, he's standing upright and speaking to you. Oh, no. Ron, how did you go? Oh, no.

It was bad. It was violent. But now I'm back here with my friends, my good friends that I love so much. I just wanted to say, I feel like you could be nicer to me.

And I care about you greatly, even though I don't always say it. And yeah, you should not be so dickish. But generally, yeah. How are you doing? We love you. I didn't realize that we were being so. I appreciate you too. I'm sorry if I came out a little hard. Sometimes it's just stressful. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, it's okay. You don't need to bring up this conversation ever again because I feel like it would be overly emotional for me to remember to talk about this again, to revisit this. Just between us gals.

Well, so are they cool? How are the kids? They're good. They're good. Hey, you want to kiss real quick? Just real, real quick? Just a little bit? What? You don't have to kiss, but can I just brush my lips against your lips for just a second? Like just a second. No, I'd rather not. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. The answer doesn't have to be yes right now. I just wanted to sort of slide it out there, just sort of float it.

Hey, Ron, are you feeling okay? Now that you've apologized? Oh, better than ever.

Okay, well, I think Glenn, are you hungry? Because Glenn was going to get some fries. Yeah, is Henry going to be okay in there, by the way? Just because you clearly died and are out here now. Yeah, but they held Lark and Sparrow down there, and they're pretty strong. They have kind of a weird magical energy that similarly magical creatures can kind of just vibe with, and they can kind of feel it. You think they might be immortal? I don't know about that. I feel like that might be misleading. Well, Canary, you said that's... Hey, Canary, you said...

Canary, watch. That's what Canary said. Canary, you said that's a chance, right? Yeah, yeah, they absolutely could be. I don't think they are, but they could be. That could be one of the reasons that they're fine in there. I would prefer to think that they are because it makes me feel like they're going to be okay. I can't really do anything about what they're doing in there. For all we know, they could be vampires. Oh, man, is Henry like real peeved at us? Oh, yeah. No, he's definitely, peeved is definitely the exact word I would use. That's how I talk. Yeah.

What's going on, cool guys? It's so upsetting that Anthony now plays both of my characters. Let me update you on what's going on up here. We're getting... Oh, how are your pipes doing? We got to make sure your voices all rest because they want us to perform later after all. Oh, yeah, they do. They do. I forgot. Let me make sure. Oh.

No, they're not good yet. No. Okay, interesting. Hey, Ron, can you do the note that you hit with Silent Night? The dual harmony thing? Yeah. Yeah, I could absolutely do that, but Glenn just asked me to give my voice a rest, so I feel like I should do that. Yeah, hey, come on, Daryl. Don't push a vocalist. You gotta be careful before a performance. You can't. Hey, part of being a friend is not pushing boundaries that they don't want pushed, and my instrument is a boundary, so. Okay. Anyway. Sure nobody wants to talk over me? Oh, shit. Shit.

Including Anthony. Hey, Ron. Man, I just apologize. It feels like it's kind of rude right now. I'm just very protective of myself. I'm just trying to engage in some self-love, you know? That's what it's all about. You all should too, but I have a harder time reaching you because, you know, other people. Huh. So what's going on with this Fry thing? What's going on? Yeah, you like fries, Ron? Aw.

I mean, who doesn't like fries, right? I don't know. I had one once and it upset my tummy. The crumbs are good, though. Wait, Ron, you don't like French fries? That's like the one food everybody likes, man. Well, if you don't like French fries, wait till you try it with my Rancho Bandito sauce. I just got to find some parts for that, but I don't have that here. It's all right. Yeah. I remember at the end of the last episode, I had called forth the woodland creatures to try and meet me in a clearing kind of nearby, right?

Hey, Aaron. Hey, Aaron. Hey, Ron. Hey.

Something's weird with Ron. Oh, well. Wait, you see it too? It doesn't matter. It's just Ron being Ron. I rolled low. That's true. Anyway, sorry. What's going on? There was like these three birds that like brought you back to life. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. They're my familiars, my friends. Are they free right now? I could use their help. What is fucking going on? What is happening on our podcast? So Aaron goes like off mic. He's like, hey, you guys doing anything? Yeah, just to Oakvale. I know, I know, but it's for the daddies.

I kind of owe them slightly, slightly. So yeah, no. Okay, they're on their way. All right, cool. I got to get to a meeting real quick. I'll call you back. And then I hang up. Okay.

Clint, I was going to ask if she could fix my finger. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, it's cool. I just wanted to end it really cool. Like I was like in the meeting. I clearly the animals aren't here yet. I just like to say that I'm in a meeting. That's a really easy way to get off the phone, by the way. If you just say I'm about to walk into a meeting and then you just, yeah, you can just hang up on people. I'm sorry, Daryl. I should have thought about that. Okay. Hey, Peyton. Yes, daddy. I mean, son, I'm your dad. Yeah. Do you?

I feel like your old man or your son, I'm a little lost. You got any sense of what's going on around here? I don't like this place. This place is really weird. Yeah, me neither. Yeah, no, I would love to get out of here. By the way, are they frying up vegetables yet? Like, come on. Yeah, they're doing it. Okay, okay. They're doing it. Okay. Freddy, if this builds up to like a better Nathan Lever, I'm going to quit the podcast.

Okay, so let's go back to the dungeon. Is there anything else in this room, Anthony? So there's nothing else in the room other than the vampire, but on the vampire's lapel, you can see a badge. What does the badge say? You can't tell from this distance, but it's not like a sheriff's badge. It's like a pin-on, like, I work at a place badge. Okay. You know, Lark and Sparrow are the best equipped to fight this thing right now.

now yeah what do you know they're the worst because they can actually die no I'm saying they have wooden stakes Matt if you knew anything about fucking vampires you poser don't let the kids can die Henry quietly closes the door and he turns to the rest of the group and says there's a vampire in there

There's a freaking vampire and he's got like a badge on him and probably some stupid clue. God, I hate this stupid dungeon so much. Nothing's going right. Freaking kids are here. Father, father, father. What? Both of them just start stroking your legs because they're on the ground floor again. They're in dog mode. Yeah, they're in dog mode. Henry starts doing his breathing exercise again. Yes, I'm sorry. It's just, it's very stressful right now, boys. Henry, we already fought a vampire. We fought two. We fought, we fought a million of them. We can take this guy easy.

And you know what's cool is I've got some cool gear with me right now. Like, I've got some garlic, so we could probably do something with that. I've got a cross, so we could hold that up and maybe... And are they allergic to mirrors or something? Vampires can't see themselves in mirrors, Father. What about... And they sparkle and they're beautiful. What about silver? Is there anything with silver with vampires? I believe silver is primarily werewolf's father.

No, silver as well, actually, in vampire lore. That's actually where the mirror thing comes from, because the idea is that older mirrors had silver backs and that's why they can't see themselves. Oh, that's fun. Well, vampire trivia here coming from the F-Blong to you. In the Wikipedia article for the film Blade, it appeared that the main liquid he used to stop people was a mixture of silver and garlic. So any of those things would work farther.

Okay, so here's what we're going to do. I don't want to fight a freaking vampire. It took forever last time. It was really scary. I just want to know what's on this guy's badge. Okay, so we can get the clue and we can get out of here. So what I'm going to do is open the door. I'm going to yell at the vampire. I'm going to get him to tell me the thing and then I'm going to run out and then I'll close the door and jam it with this cross and then maybe that'll burn the handle on the other side or something like that. As long as you don't invite him in, you can go there.

and then come back and he won't follow you. Does that work if you're already indoors? If you're in his house, I don't know. Well, no, here's what you could do is you could say that this room belongs to you now. You could lay claim to it, plant a little flag. Would that stand up to a housing board? You throw a couple of beer cans on the floor and you're like, this is my house.

You can't just run into a bathroom and be like, no, Angel, you can't come into the bathroom. This is a different house now. Whoa, nobody go in there. There's no universe in which Beth would not say you can't come in this bathroom, Angel. No, David Boreanaz, you can't come into this bathroom.

All right, I'm getting pretty fed up with this crazy mystery dungeon. It's all it's puzzles. So we're just going to forget it. I'm just going in and I open the door and I march in and I go, hey, and I hold up the cross at the vampire. And the vampire goes, blah, and it like coils in horror. He's like, all right, Mr. Vampire, I don't want to fight you. I want to leave you alone. I just want to know what the deal with your badge is. What does it say on your badge? Okay, so he's going to roll.

to see if he gives a shit about you or not. Okay, he's negative about you, but it doesn't really matter because you've got him under a cross right now. And he goes, just the badge. I just found this on a dead person. Take it, take it. Disgusting, the cross. Oh, and it throws it at you.

Andy, I love it. All right. What is on the badge? The badge says Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility and Oak Ridge is bolded. Wow. A clue. Thanks, Mr. Vampire. We're going to go. Close the door. What? Close the door. Okay. I closed the door. Don't come out here. I'm not going to. If you have the cross, it's disgusting. It's garish. Okay. What are you doing in here? What's your deal? Garish. I hang out here and then I go eat people and I come back. I don't like that. I feel bad about that. Don't do something about it, pussy. What are you doing?

What are you talking about? No more.

I don't generally use that word. I just felt like it was comedically appropriate. Hey, don't throw gendered insults around. I know it was problematic. I'm sorry. Yikes, man. Yikes. Wow. All right. I'm going to go. All right. You feel pretty bad about that. You should. A little, yeah. I slam the door shut. Think about what I did. I jam the cross in the door jam so that it blocks it. I think this brief encounter with this problematic vampire is my favorite thing that's ever happened on this podcast.

Okay. Well, that answers the question, doesn't it? We're at Oak Ridge thing. Oak Ridge. What does it say? Nuclear facility, but the words that are bolded are Oak Ridge. Okay. Good thinking, Ron. Let's type in Oak Ridge on this keyboard. Yeah, sure. Why not? I wish we could use it. We use our big hands for it.

Hey, Ron, you know, I'm feeling pretty cocky after blasting through that last one. If you want to go for those gloves, I say go for it. I am. You know, I'm going to get my mage hand stick and then I'm just going to sort of knock over the hands like I'm a big, rambunctious dog on Thanksgiving. You know what we could do is use our 50 foot rope as a lasso to try to lasso him over here. Yeah, that sounds fun. Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. I didn't want to step on your thing. It felt like you had a fun thing you wanted to do. No, no, I have nothing.

Nothing going on for me. I feel like I'm my most pure self in here right now with you. I'm having a really good time. I feel like a really good boy. And, you know, out there, I don't know, there's just something about myself out there that maybe I just feel like I can't really be myself. You look so different without a mustache. And as a dog. There's no rule that says dogs can't have mustaches.

You lasso one with one 50 foot rope and then I use my lasso to try to catch the whole thing. The whole cans. I think you just do that. Do I have to make a roll or anything? I don't think so. I think it just takes time basically because you're doing something. If you're doing something careful and clever, then I have to roll to see if a monster shows up and a monster does not show up.

So you successfully lasso the whole cans off of the, God damn it. Now I'm calling them all cans off of the, uh, the podium. The entire room begins to fill with fire as a weight that it was depressing sort of rises back up and it singes the whole Kansas. You pull them out, but otherwise they're fine. Hey, we got whole cans. Yeah.

Hey, cool gloves. What are these? Hey, Cobbins, do you know anything about these gloves? You know what this is about? Ooh, let's see, let's see. And they both come over the gauntlets. And one of them says, ooh, I guess the only way to know for sure is to put them on. It's like, I'm not going to put them on. What if they're like poison bad gloves? And the other one goes, oh, don't be a baby. And he goes, yes, that's how you call somebody a coward without gendering it. You say baby. And he goes, yeah, we know that. I know that. You know that. And he goes, okay, okay. I guess I'll put them on. Heck, why not? And he puts them on and he goes, oh, I feel real strong.

This is great. Okay, great. Well, that's great that one of the goblins got the cool treasure. No, you can have them. I'm just testing them out for you. You were nice. That's very generous. That's very generous. Jenny holds them out to you. Thank you very much, Jenny. Now, Lark and Sparrow, when I turn to them and I hold up the gauntlets. Yes, father. I say, if I give you each one of these gauntlets, do you think you can be responsible with them? Can you be responsible, boys, with these power gauntlets?

And tears are rolling down their sheets. They both take a knee like they're about to be knighted. They go, we would do whatever is necessary for these gauntlets. Interesting. All right. This dungeon is your test to see if you are worthy of wielding these awesome power gauntlets, okay? And then I put them in my bag and I tie the bag shut. Oh!

And tears begin to just stream down their faces. Dangerous game. And with that, we type in Oak Ridge into the keyboard. Great. The door at the other end of the room opens up and you see stairway leading to floor three of this dungeon. And I say, adventure team onward.

So as you ascend to the third and, you don't know it, final floor of the dungeon, let's go back and check on the Fry Boys. Freddy, why don't you just establish the scene since you seem to be the only one knowing what's going on right now. What am I doing? What's Peyton doing? What's happening? See, most mystery box TV shows hit you with one mystery box. We got a two box special. What's going on in the dungeon? What the fuck is Freddy doing? We're going from one box to the other. Here we go. All right, so I'm back outside. I'm in this sort of little forested...

Forested Glen, as it were. And how many animals have showed up? About a dozen animals of various shapes and sizes have shown up. And the three birds that you remember who revived Aaron have shown up as well. And motion over to Daryl and Ron. Like, Ron, you guys, you know what, Payton, too. You guys can get in on this. You want dad huddle? Dad huddle with these beautiful woodland creatures. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming. I mean, they might be dads. General.

The woodland creatures kind of like bow at you, except for the birds that are like, yes, we're happy to be here. Call me Papa John. So real quick, just show of paws and wings, I guess. How many of you people are weirded out by this place? Can I just get just like some good, honest, honest feedback here? How many people weirded out by this place?

About half of them raise their hands. Okay, the rest of you, you're good. You guys are good. I just want to try and talk to the ones who kind of think this place is weird. And, you know, maybe try and, you know, just have a word with them. That's all right. Subtle. It's a subtle cunning ruse. So the animals all kind of like shrug as much as they're biologically capable of doing. 19 plus 9, 28 persuasion on all the animals. I didn't even bother asking because I knew it was going to work. So they all kind of shrug and the half that do like this place kind of head off. Okay.

But one of the deer turns around and like eyes you suspiciously. I go, eh, I go, eh, yeah. And I kind of lean in conspiratorially toward the rest of the animals. Like, all right, so the rest of you and also Aaron's birds. Thank you so much for joining us. I've done a little bit of research and reconnaissance. How would you like to burn this motherfucking place to the ground? What? That's going to be a persuasion rule disadvantage for sure. Well, they all hate the place though. That's a both a 24 and a 22. They don't hate it, they just dislike it. I don't want to burn down every... 24 and a 22. 22. 22.

Glenn, what? Daryl, let's take a quick moment here and review what we've learned. Okay. When I handed the spliff off to Canary... Uh-huh. You almost dropped it there. Don't drop the tube. Sorry, did I get you? Are you okay? Like, it was lit. Yeah, no, I mean, it hurt a little bit, but like... I fumbled it on purpose to specifically test...

two things. Number one, can these people be hurt accidentally, i.e. without ill intent? Or does the magic in fact permeate this entire forest to make violence impossible? - Okay, I'm following. - The fact that she reacted to the burn indicates two things. One, these people are in fact mortal. And two, that combustion and fire specifically work in this area. - Okay. - And I light up that split. - Oh my God. - I spark my lighter.

Number two, you'll notice that... You have like a cork board with like red twine. Yeah, Daryl's like slightly stepping back from Glenn and is like holding Peyton tighter to him.

Yeah, okay. The jazz music from Homeland starts playing. Okay, yeah. Okay, yeah, I hear you. Number two. You've already said number two. This is like the second number two. We're on like our fourth. There were two and then we went to number one on the first one. All right, now we're going to use letters. This is Pee Wee describing all the evidence of his bike theft. Yeah, exactly. B.

I've asked for fried vegetables. Do they have like an old-timey like cooking pot like in the middle of the bubbling stew going at all times like old times? Yes, they have exactly that. Then you fill that pot up with some hot oil. You know what I'm saying? These people have no idea how to fry things. That pot is a ticking oil time bomb as the fire continues to apply heat to it. All we need to do to make our escape if we need to, I'm not saying we have to, but if we need to,

is we just need to disturb the oil in that pot when it gets hot enough. And that's where the rest of these animals come in. Once it gets hot enough, all you guys got to do is grab... Every single animal's going... Wait, Glenn.

I just wanted to, are we still going to get some fries though? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Before all of this happens, we can get fries. What's the worst way to put out an oil fire, Daryl? Water? Exactly. What were we doing two episodes earlier? We were hanging out by the lake, possibly fishing.

I'll tell you what, I saw some fish in that lake. Why don't we sharpen some sticks and we can go fishing? All these animals need to do is get some water, grab little like sticks or rocks from the water or little leaves with like little water bundles and drop it into the pot, which will cause an explosive conflagration of oil and water and to set this whole place on fire. Killing all of them instantly. No, no, no. They're going to fly over it. That's where the birds come in.

yeah, I mean, if we got to make an escape, I don't quite follow it, but like, but, but if we got to make an escape and you came up with like a really cool bomb, like that's pretty good. I mean, when you turn back around, all the animals are gone except for Aaron's three birds and they, they raise a wing and like salute you. Yeah.

Worst case scenario, we got to burn this place down to the ground whenever we move on. We'll probably take the anchor down with it. Two birds, one stone. Sorry, excuse the expression. I look over to the birds. The birds gasp. Excuse the expression, human expression. Best case scenario, we get some french fries. Glenn, I look him straight in the eye. I don't follow that. You've probably known by now. I'm not, I don't really follow science very well. Is...

Ron's like, it's like sliders. It's just like in sliders. Just like in sliders. Something they would do in sliders for sure is what you just said. It will work. The question Daryl asked word for word is what you just said. It will work. It's what you said. Will it work? I don't know.

Oh, well, that wasn't the confidence I was looking for. But okay. I mean, yeah, I appreciate the pretty good chance of succeeding. And also just to lay all my cards on the table. Not all my cards are on the table. Well, Glenn, I was about to say, like, it's really, I appreciate it. Like, that's really gung ho attitude. I'm really glad you're looking out for us. Like,

We could have helped. You could just let us know. You could let me know what's going on. So, you know, if you were going to try to make a bomb or something, I could have tried to help out, make a bomb. But that's cool. We should probably keep it on the down low. Well, I mean, I didn't know that you were coming back so soon. I mean, you died really fast. Yeah. You died really fast. It would appear to be. Hey, so did Ron. No, but I died real heroic in second. So, like, it's not as bad.

No, that's true. I don't know why I felt being competitive about that. You did a really good job. Thank you. Thank you. This is the kind of spirit I want to see going forward, guys. One, two, three, doodlers. One, two, three, doodlers, Ron. Doodlers. One, two, three, doodlers. And then we saunter on back to where the giant pot of oil is boiling up, acting like nothing happened. Great. The three birds fly away and come back with a bucket full of water, and they're just waiting in the wings of the forest with, like, thumbs up.

So you head up to the third floor and you are in a very, very large room. You can see that lining the walls of this room are black rods sticking out of holes in the walls. In the center of the room, what you really notice is a film projector with a reel-to-reel in it and it's got a film reel inside of it. There is a large hobgoblin sort of examining the projector, trying to figure out what's going on with it. Like whisper to the goblin and say, hey, is that hobgoblin with you? Yeah, that's our boss. Is she going to be cool with us?

It kind of depends. It's kind of like a one in three kind of a thing chance of if she'll be cool with you or not. Well, I have a trick or two up my sleeve and I say, Hail and well met, Hop Goblin. I am Henry Oak. Hop Goblin turns around and goes, What? Dom, Jenny, is this food? And they go, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is, this is friend. Oaks are friends, not food. Oh. Mm. Mm. Mm.

What are you doing here? This is our place. This is our home. This has something to do with where I come from, somehow. I don't know. I'm looking for the truth of my own origins, because I... It's a complicated story, but I'm here on a mission of knowledge with my two beautiful sons. This is Larkin Sparrow. What is your name, kind lady? My name is Greg. Greg?

That's a beautiful name, Greg. Thank you. That is David McCarthy, by the way. He gave us the name Craig. How many Gs did David put in there? The normal amount. Wow. His description of the name is just Greg. I respect the fucking hell out of that. Hail and well met. What is this place? So Greg says, oh, this is a dungeon that sort of appeared here many, many moons ago. And, uh,

did they tell you? And they're like, we told them. And the other two goblins are like, yeah, no. So we came in here and we made it our place. We share, it's sort of a duplex. We share one of the rooms with a vampire. He's kind of a dick. Don't worry about him.

But he's on time out right now. He called me a very bad word. And he's very problematic. Yeah. So in the corner, you see a woman who looks like the dictionary definition of the word spunky. But one thing you notice is that unlike the goblins, unlike the residents of Oakvale, she is dressed in clothing that looks like it's from the 1920s in America. She's wearing a flapper cap. She's got a dress.

and it stands out to you. Who's this back here? This young lady over here. Oh, the weird, the weird, as she turns to point at the girl, the girl turns and sees you and goes, huh?

You've come. You've finally come. And she walks up to you all jaunty and stuff. And she goes, oh, please, please, please. You must watch the film. It'll explain everything. Hi, who are you? I'm Henry Oak. This is my beautiful boy, Slark and Sparrow. You seem to be from Earth, right? Just based on the way you're dressed and everything. I just, I don't quite understand who you are. Well, who I am is a little bit complicated. There's the me, me inside. And then there's what you're looking at. And what you're looking at is, yeah, 100% human.

Sorry to interrupt, but I feel the exact same way as this dog. I'm a little confused. Where are we? What is this place? Well, this is the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility. And if you just watch the film, everything will make sense. That's, I presume, why the wise and just Barry Oak sent you here. The wise? So you know my father? Mm-hmm.

I really wish everyone would stop being so gosh darn coy about what the heck is going on. Why do I got to watch a film? Why don't you just tell me what this is, lady? I could just tell you, but like, yeah, I mean, if you'd have every reason to not believe me, I guess, but I could just tell you what's on the film. I'm getting like a brainwashy vibe from you. Okay. Okay. Okay. So all my cards on the table. Okay. She goes, actually get close. I have to tell you a secret.

I promise it's fine. I promise. I promise. All right. I turn to my boys and I say, if anything fucking crazy happens right now, you run, you

You run the other way. And if you don't run away and back out the door away from this bad lady, you're never getting the cool gauntlets. Okay. And I look at them. I'm serious. Serious eyes. And then I say, Ron, look after my boys. Oh, my God. I can't believe I just said that. But you can't possibly do any worse than glancing. Ron, be a good boy and look after my boys. Okay. I sit on the kids. I step forward and lean in to whisper to what this woman has to say. A little bit closer.

Okay. Just a little bit closer. Okay. And she goes...

And she farts on you. And she goes, oh, you just got pranked again by the number one, the only, Hor-C-O. Hor-C, you dink. When Barry wanted somebody to take this job, I was the first one. He said, hey, look like this dude's grandma. And then far on him, he didn't say the second part. I just thought it would be funny. Watch the video, turd.

It's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life, even if you die, it'll be alright. It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, cause that's just life, all you do is try, it'll be alright.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is a song called All Right by Maxton Waller. Special thanks to Jason Dutton, Philip Cuvion, and David McCarthy for names we used in this episode. How did they do that? Well, they're Patreon supporters. Folks like Black Mesa Radio, Alexandra Lilly, Eric Whitworth, Alyssa Skebby,

You know, when you don't have your last names, I'm never quite sure if I should just like figure out your last name or if you're like laying low and you're like in witness protection or something.

Anyway, some merch news. We've partnered up with DFTBA. Don't forget to be awesome. Hank Green's company to fulfill our merchandise. So practically what this means is that we'll actually have decent international shipping rates. And it'll also give us the ability to get new merch stuff spun up way faster than before.

We're putting the finishing touches on transitioning everything over on the storefront this week. We're planning on relaunching on Wednesday, September 2nd. So head on over to dungeonsanddaddies.com or dftba.com to see the new store. We're going to try and get some new items in there as well for pre-order. For updates, follow us on Twitter, Dungeons and Dads, reddit.com slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies for the subreddit. Thank you so much for listening. Our next episode is coming at you September 15th. We will see you then. There was a time we'd eat between two no-names

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