Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. At the tone, please record your voice message. Hey, Carol. It's Daryl. Nothing, no concern. You know, we haven't found Grant yet, but I will any minute now, I'm sure. I just thought maybe I missed a call from you since I lost my phone. But, you know, good old Daryl's always prepared and he's got a backup.
He said it was dumb to have two phones, but... Well, anyways, the top right corner of the fridge has this number. It's on that list of all the important numbers. Haven't found Grant yet, but we did find Henry's kids. So, you know, those little scams didn't get very far. And they're pretending to be a lord of chaos or something or another. They're getting in a little bit of trouble, but, you know...
Everything's fine. Daryl's got it under control. I'll give you a call once I find Grant, which will probably be any second now, so don't worry about it. Hope you're doing fine. Hope Darnell's doing fine. No, you wouldn't know why Darnell's doing fine. Don't worry about it. I love you. I missed you. Oh, gotta go. Bye. Love you.
Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, a D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their sons. My name is Freddie Wong and I play Glenn Close, a dad rock bard dad. And you know what? The fun fact this week is going to be this. We found out that all of the spells in D&D make for really good band names. So...
Hi, I'm Glenn Close, and I'm the lead singer of Dissonant Whispers. Shit, that's really good. That's very good.
I'm Matt Arnold and I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad. And the only woman I've ever kissed besides my best friend Carol was her older sister Stacy. When did that happen? She was lacrosse. Well, I was the Roman guard and she played Mary Magdalene, of course. And I hadn't met Carol yet and she doesn't know about it. And Stacy teases me every Thanksgiving about it. I hope she never finds out. Drama. I hadn't met my wife yet. Wait, what? She was a grade below Daryl.
Okay. Yeah, I guess I have a very specific type. How old was Daryl when this happened? This was eighth grade. Eighth grade? Oh, wow. So you and your wife are like middle school sweethearts. Oh, yeah. We're high school sweethearts. We finally got together in high school. I started dating her in eighth grade when I was a freshman.
Wait, she was in eighth grade and you were a freshman? That's gross. That's quite a scandal in our small town. That's fucking nasty. You're a dirty boy. Dale's a dirty boy. You're also one of those people who's never dated anyone else so you don't know what's out there. So you take her for granted and she takes you for granted. Oh, this makes your hideous actions in the sex pit a lot more understandable. Hideous feels very judgy.
Hey, folks, it's me, Henry Oak, granola dad slash druid, and I am the front man of Thorn Whip.
Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler. Oh, shit. It's like he was here. Did another guy just show up in the room? What happened? Who is that? It's Ron. It's me. I've been here the whole time. Okay, so fun fact about Ron is Ron has a collection of his baby teeth because when he... Oh, that's hilarious. Ron is just a real piece of shit. Ron has a collection of his baby teeth because when he put them under the pillow when he was younger for the Tooth Fairy, nobody ever picked them up. Oh, no.
Oh, God. I went from hating Ron to like, oh, no, now I feel really bad for Ron. Does Ron have those baby teeth with him on the adventure? That's for Ron to maybe know because he hasn't checked his pockets. Oh, wow. Okay. All right. My name is Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. And we're recording this at 9 a.m. in the morning. So if I sound a little bit low energy, uh,
That's why. It's not because I don't love these people, these horrible, horrible dads. I changed all your contact information on my phone to say Daddy Master on Facebook. Now you're my Daddy Master. Did you really? Yeah, you're just my Daddy Master from now on. Well, you are all my children. I'm the daddy of daddies. Wow. You're dad of dads. This is Episode 4, The Lord of Chaos Part 2. Yeah.
I guess in a way we have 75% of the information we need to answer your question, Will, which was which dad has the biggest dong? Daddy Master, what say you of this fight? There is no way on God's green earth that I'm going to describe your dick sizes. That is between you and your horrible lord that will judge you. I was going to say please, Daddy, but then you're going to cut it out. Sorry.
If you want a role for dick sizes, you can be my dad. That would be a good role. That should be what we do. That's good. No, no, no, no. It's not absolute dick sizes. It's relative dick sizes. Guys, this podcast is getting a little fratty, I have to say. All right. Well, three dads are with their dicks now, but we can't talk about it. Go ahead. Very well. You keep your secrets. This fucking Kirsten Victorian-ass podcast. You guys are so lucky I'm here. What would you get accused of otherwise? Oh, yeah. Why do you think you are here? Wow, wow, wow.
Anyway, Lark and Sparrow go, Dad, no! And now you see that your children are actually in the box seat above you, looking down at you and your horrible dick. That's my boys! Lark! Sparrow! You're the Lord of Chaos? Yeah! That's great! What in tarnation are you doing up there, young boys?
And so Lark turns to spare and he goes, I think he's going to be angry. What do you think? Yeah. You're darn tootin' right I'm angry. Guards! Please! Excuse me. Excuse me. Lark. What? Don't put Daddy and his friends in the dungeon. Okay.
Dungeon, please! As he says that, the stadium comes alive with a bunch of people that you thought were just sort of spectators. About two dozen of them jump out with spears and swords and stuff like that and encircle you, the 75% naked group. They point their swords at you. Are you going to resist or are you going to let them take you somewhere? Which is like the tallest one.
Like, I go up to, I assume the tallest one is in charge. I just, I'm going to go start talking to somebody. Sure. Excuse me, sir. Hi, everyone. If you could just for a second. Can I speak to the manager? Funny story. Are you the manager? I ask this guy. Yes. Okay. What's your name, sir? My name is...
Arson. Arson. Hello, Arson. It's me, Henry Oak. Those two boys up there are actually my sons. It seems like there's been a big misunderstanding, so we need to reunite with them. That's kind of the whole reason we're here. They're not the Lord of Chaos. Clearly, they're just two mischievous yet talented boys. So I think we need to just kind of maybe discuss this whole situation a little bit. Roll a persuasion. I got a three. He hits you in the face. Ah!
And you are knocked unconscious. I definitely don't think I'm resisting this. This is like hands up, dicks out. Daryl Wilson has, now that the rage of battle has subsided, he is ashamed at his naked form. And the whole time he is slowly putting his clothes back on and trying to regain his posture.
Keep it where they are. Boys, your father spent a lot of time coming to find you. Dangers and everything. And you know what? I know you're good boys. You're good members of the team. I think you should come down here and talk to your old man.
Hit him too! They roll. Actually, give me a dice. Okay, what? Oh, d20? Yeah, give me a d20. Okay, good, because I rolled a one. I rolled an 18. They hit you in the fucking head and you go out. Oh, no! Are you two remaining going to go with them peacefully for this thing I'm clearly railroading you into? Larn and Spartacus...
That's my new name. I'm taking that now. That's good. That's me. I came up with that. We need spanking back in America. And if you don't release us, I will spank you. Hit him immediately before he can say more things. He hits you.
Alright, just stone her dad left. Yeah, I'm definitely seeing three people get clocked. No thanks. I've been in a bar brawls of my day to know that you want to live to see the next morning. Okay. Actually, since Glenn's awake, I'll give you some more details. Yeah. So you're led... Intel baby. So they move you to a tower that is beyond the gladiatorial pit. As you walk in, you see that there's an elevator.
that goes up. And before you guys enter, you see Lark and Sparrow get inside that elevator and go up. You wait for the elevator to come down, the guards put you on it, and they take you downward. As we're waiting, it's like, it's gonna take forever, right? What is this, the local?
As you go down, you can see a floor that has an armory on it. The elevator stops and a guy holding everybody's stuff, all the weapons stuff. Two guys come out and they're a kobold, a lizard folk and a guy who looks like a bird. So basically a bird man, a lizard man and a goblin man take all of your things and move them into a room that they then lock. Real diverse hiring initiatives here. It's a very inclusive cult.
The elevator continues down, and then you find yourself at the prison level. They move all of you into... Does the elevator have a little ding when it gets there? No, but there's the guy who Will was talking to. He goes like, dong, we're here. Is there elevator music? Thanks, Arson. They have a small guy playing a little fiddle. Arson's just like, da-da, da-da, da-da. That's the WeShot music. Um...
That's where it came from, is the Wii Shop. Yeah, it's dimensional bleed. Somebody in Nintendo heard that and was like, that's a good beat. Um...
So you're put into separate cells. You can see that some other people are in the cells next to you as well. And overlooking the cells is a very bored-looking guard sort of resting his head on his palm next to a lever. Everyone wakes up now inside your cells, which are dingy and basically only the size of one of you, so you're all in separate cells. Do we have our clothes? No. Dope. You can see in the other cells that don't include you guys, there's a cell with a sign that says, don't open this door for any reason with a small crying girl inside of it.
Just the sign or is there an actual small crying girl? There's a small crying girl inside the cell. Sorry. Okay. I thought it was like on the sign for this world for do not open. It's a small cry. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. It's, it says in English or in common rather don't open the cell. And then there's a girl inside of a crime. And then you see another cell that has like somebody just wearing a hood, um, sort of sitting on his own. I would like to say that what they wake up to is Glenn practicing mouth trumpet.
So the idea that beatboxers, they can do like trumpet sounds in the mouth so they wake up to. Oh, wow. Hold on. Oh, what is that heavenly music? It's lured me back to consciousness. Okay. Dad buddy system sound off. Where's my buddy? Daryl Wilson here. Wait.
I think I'm your buddy. I mean, like for, you know, for now, Ron, you and me, I was pretty sure that Henry was my buddy because I remember I was so happy. I'm pretty sure her. It was my buddy. He, uh, stopped me from going. He thanks again. Thanks for stopping me from committing quite a few sins back there.
I appreciate it. All right. I'm just going to assume that I'm everyone's buddy from now on. So I'm glad you're all okay. Hello? Hi. Hello. Is there anyone? Can we see each other? Yeah. And the guard's in the center of us? Imagine you're in a clock. He's at 12 on the second sort of level. How old would you say he is? The guard? Yeah. I'd say he's exactly 43. Oh. Well, it's important how I address him. Hello, good sir. Hello.
Good, sir. I thought you had a brilliant escape plan. Good, sir. I put my hand after the bars. Daryl Wilson here. He's way too far away to actually shake your hand, but he just looks at you and then sort of goes back to just staring at you. I think there's been a little bit of a misunderstanding. And while we try to figure this out, would you mind giving us our little chili in here? Maybe some of our clothes back?
Lord said no. All right. Hey, what's your name, man? What's my name? Yeah. That's my favorite thing. People do an improv where they repeat the question you ask them back. They give themselves more time to think of something clever to do. And then they look around for different words and things around them that they can turn into. My name's Speaker. Speaker.
Speaker Travis. Speaker Travis. So you don't want to change that to Travis Speaker? No. Speaker is a job title in the cult. I'm a speaker for the Lord of Chaos, and my name is Travis. World building, bitch. I had a harmonica player back in Memphis named Speaker Travis, actually.
Speaker Travis, could you explain to us what the plan is? Are we how long are we going to be here? Are we going to get like a lawyer? Do we get a phone call? So as you say that, you hear two sets of footsteps coming down the hall and Larkin Sparrow, no longer pretending to be a lord of chaos, appear before you.
I mean walking. They don't like bamf it or whatever. Lark, Sparrow, it's me, your dad. Yeah, we know. We put you here. Why did you put me here? Because you seemed like you were going to tell us to not do things.
You know, sometimes being a grown-up means, and being a good kid, means having to not do stuff that you want to do. Like, pretend to be a chaos demon or whatever's going on here. What is going on here? What are you two up to? Well, we're the Lord of Chaos, and we're pretty sure, like, it seemed like initially we were pretending, but...
everybody keeps listening to it. So I think we just are the Lord of Chaos. Like we're not actually like we did it for realsies. So that's cool. But yeah, they said that there is a big demon that looks like our doodler, our creation. And Sparrow goes, from our minds.
our minds. And they say, if we could summon it, then like, that'll be cool. And we think we could fight it and we're going to fight it. We're going to beat it. And that'll be great. Well, I don't, I'm just, I'm very frustrated by the situation. You know, I try to get on your guys's level and, you know, and let you be kids, but we, you can't just go around summoning chaos gods. You can't, I don't care what the doodler looks like in this world. Everything you've taught us is that we are the ultimate expression of childhood and personality.
and perfection and anything we wish to do if we put our minds to it. We can. Oh, man. So we're going to summon an Eldritch God and kill it. This is what happens when you don't lay down your foot every once in a while. Carol, shut the fuck up. Just let me handle this. I know how to talk to these guys. Are they both collectively the Lord of Chaos? I think so. Maybe we should kill one. I don't like that idea personally. Sparrow puts up his dukes. He's like, you are welcome to try.
Power, power. Boys, what's the first rule when deciding upon a course of action? As I've taught you boys many, many a time. Remind me.
It's to imagine how you would feel if that action was done to you. Yes. So what do you think the con let's just talk through this. Okay. I'm going to talk to you guys like adults because you're big boys. We were previously bigger, but then you showed us your dick and now we're our normal size again. What do you think the consequences of your actions might be? What do you think will happen if the doodler is unleashed? The doodler appears. We engage it in single combat.
We destroy it. We are considered heroes for all time. Now, what do you do? Are you so sure that that's going to happen? What if the doodler is a lot stronger than you are? Do you know how strong the doodler is? The doodler doesn't know Krav Maga. I don't. I don't know. So what if the doodler is stronger than you? What would happen then? Our friends, our cult friends would help us kill him. What if he's stronger than all the cult people?
Well, this seems arbitrary. Well, that's not arbitrary because you don't know anything about the doodler, do you? It's like that time when you wanted to jump off that really tall cliff when we were in Bermuda and I said, you don't know what's underneath the water. Do you remember?
I do, but I think we're taking different morals from that story. My moral was you should have let me do it, and your moral is that you're glad I didn't. No, because remember the tour guide told us that there were rocks under the water, and sometimes when you take a big crazy jump, even though it seems like fun, you could wind up hurting yourself. Yeah. I feel like Ron is looking for something in the cell to maybe escape with. Okay. Feel free, guys. Roll perception. This could go on for a while.
18. Whoa! So you see that in your cell, it's made of bricks, but one of the bricks is slightly discolored. Looks ugly. I go and touch it. All right. When you touch it, purple runes appear on the wall. Like they fade into existence and they say, I'm hungry.
Hi, Hungry, I'm Dad. The cell door opens! You solved my puzzle! Oh my god, you're cheating! The cell door opens!
Just want to say the best moment of my life. All right. Everybody's cell door opens. Daryl Wilson was like fidgeting with his door and I'm assuming that Ron was kind of far away. So Daryl definitely thinks he opened all the doors. He's like, yeah, I did it. I picked this lock. But Larkin's Bar are there. Yes. Larkin's Bar are there and they see all the doors open. They go, this is it.
thing and they start to run. To be clear, all doors, including the ones of the cloak to do that. Okay. So the cell doors that open are Glenn closes, Daryl Wilson's and Ron Stamper's. Henry Oaks does not open. Okay. Well, I in purple, the runes appear on, on the wall of Henry Oaks cell and they say, this is your fault.
Harsh. I chase after Henry's boys and scream to Freddy, take that guard down, Glenn. He's above me, right? Yeah, in the same direction that Lark and Sparrow are running, there's a straight shot to the elevator, and then to the left, you can see that's where you go up the stairs to get to that guard. All right. I'm going to go to the base of the stairs, and I'm going to be like, hey, we don't got to fight or anything. You want to just be cool? Roll persuasion. Nine plus.
514. He goes, why? Well, we outnumber you at the moment. You're also naked and have no things. I got a thing right here, baby. Oh, man. Now we're fighting. I guess we gotta fight. I'll jog up the stairs. What happens to... So you roll athletics. Athletics. I get plus 5.
So that's 15 plus 5, 20. Okay. You successfully grab Lark and Sparrow. You're naked and holding these two kids. Yeah. And they go, help! Stranger! I'm not a stranger. I'm Daryl Wilson, damn it. And you've been absolutely horrible. You're going to go talk to your dad. And I'm holding them and I'm walking towards Henry. Okay. You hear the elevator begin to descend. So they're fighting as much as they can. They're going to try to bite you.
Uh, roll, um, dexterity. Well, that's a nine. Okay. So, uh, actually I'm going to have roll for both of them. So Lark bites you on the hand and you let go involuntarily and a sparrow tries to do the same thing, but it doesn't work quite as well. Uh, because I grind my teeth at night. Um,
Henry, I'm doing my best. I really don't want to kick your boys. It would be helpful if you said something to them. I really don't want to punch them. I think Ron would go back and try to break the cell door open because you don't want to help with the other ones. And then also, I know what it feels like for it to be my fault. Okay, so you're trying to break open Henry's cell door? Yes. Ron, Ron, go get my other son. He's still running away. I'm here for you, Henry. All right, why don't you roll a strength? Five. You pull...
And nothing seems to happen. Okay. I am going to hold on one second. Oh boy. Here it comes, baby. As I watch my two bratty boys scrambling around in a grown naked ass man's arms. And then one of them bites him and runs away. Like my eyes roll back on my head and glow green. And what?
Once again, my fingers tremble and I plunge them into the ground and I cast entangle. Ooh, okay. Grasping weeds and vines shoot out from the ground at a 20 foot square starting from a point within range. I cast entangle at his feet. Okay. And then he has to make a strength saving throw or be restrained by the entangling plants until the spell ends. When does the spell end? Duration is up to one minute. Ooh, okay.
Ooh. All right. Vines shoot out of the ground as Lark begins to try to pull at Sparrow to get him out of Daryl's hands. And they wrap around him entirely. And he goes, this is a good fight. I am excited. And he's entangled. What is going on with the guard? So back up at the guard tower, I get up there and I look at his setup. I'm like, man,
You got some comfy digs here, and I'm casting Charm Person. So I attempt to charm a humanoid that I see within range. Must make a wisdom saving throw and does so with advantage. If you or your companions are fighting it, I think this is an advantage situation because I forgot about this. If this works, the charm creature regards you as a friendly acquaintance. Okay.
Ooh, he saves. Sorry. All right. I guess that didn't work. I'm just sitting here naked, dong hanging out and everything. Okay, he's going to try to attack you. We're going to say he's a kobold, so he'll be pretty weak. So he hits you. Take 1d4 plus 2 piercing damage. That'd be 3. Okay. So as you guys are fighting, you hear the elevator go...
and the doors open and the guards that you saw take your loot into the other room appear. Oh man. They basically see an entangled Lord of Chaos and a Lord of Chaos being held by a man with a dong wagon or in the wind. And, uh, that's all they see right now. So they just see me holding right now. All they see is you and he's in the stairwell and they believe they know the Lord of Chaos was these two kids. Yeah. Okay. So they were, they were fine with bluff checked. You're the dad of chaos.
And you've just been, they've angered you and you're in charge of them. Oh, yes, please. Okay, sure. I'll try that. I'm glad you're here. I am the dad of chaos and my two boys of chaos have been causing quite a trouble. Now, hold on. As you say this, I think you have to gyrate your hips to kind of spin your dog around a little bit.
You're so close to two kids, though. I don't know if we want to focus on the dong element of this. But I puff my chest out and act as proud as possible. In fact, I even let go of Sparrow. Sparrow. Sparrow. I let go of Sparrow. Sparrow would be your version of your son. Sparrow. Sparrow Wilson.
I let go of Sparrow. Yeah, I let him go also. Sparrow immediately starts trying to pull the vines off of Lark. Please restrain my two boys so we can discuss this like a family, goddammit! So as you say that, Lark and Sparrow go, he's making things up, he's a crazy naked man, he's gonna attack us, so you can roll your bluff, but you just roll it with disadvantage because they're contradicting you. Okay, well that's an 11, so that's gonna be my best one, hopefully. Nope, my 3 was my 1.
So the baddies aren't buying it and they rush you. There's four of them. Okay. And they're all going to attack you. Okay. I'll give you one reaction before they attack. Hostage kids. Hostage kids. I'm trying to avoid hostage kids. This is not Henry saying this. This is Will saying this.
But I don't have any weapons other than my dong. So that's the problem. You got your bare hands. You got your bare barbarian. You got your meat sticks. All right. I grab Sparrow and I hold his tiny little boy head in my two monster. Oh, no. In my two monster. Fucking the mountain and over in my mouth. Yes. And I go, stop it. These boys are always playing games like this. And I swear to God, if you don't calm down, I will crush one of my sons. That's why I got two of them.
Oh, so Sparrow goes, yeah. OK, roll intimidation with advantage because that's good. OK, seven, 19 plus one. Oh, OK. The guards stopped dead in their tracks.
They go, okay. How are we going to play this? Well, first things first. My name's Dad of Chaos, Daryl Wilson. I would shake my hand, but I got my hands full, if you know what I mean. You have 55 seconds before the Entangle loosens on Sparrow. All right, so first things first. If you could help me out, and these boys always give Uncle Henry a problem there. If you could go ahead and let Uncle Henry out, he can also help explain what's going on.
brother of chaos, Daryl. So they, they call up to the guard that was fighting Freddie and they say, uh, let out Henry, the granola one. That's what they, you have granola in this world. No, that's just what your kids called you. Uh, yeah,
Yeah, let him out. So they pull, he turns away from Glenn, pulls the lever. Who's nursing a stab wound, like, ah, dag. Yeah, pulls the lever and the door opens up to Henry's cell. I strut out with confidence. Hail and well met, fellow guards. I am, as we say in our world, the gran ola of...
The Chaos Realm. Wow. I am uncle to these two childs and a powerful vizier to the court of chaos. As you say, Gran, Ola, Lark, and Sparrow both have to take a D4 of psychic damage. Can somebody roll a 2D4? One of them takes four damage. Wow. You killed your son. Lark is like, ah, this is not how I wanted to go. I wanted to die in battle.
Valhalla. And then the other one. Four. Another four. He's the chosen one. I wanted to die fighting the doodler, not my own father. So as that happens, also, as he screams in agony, the vines leave his body and he's just sort of like staring and looking around, like not quite sure what to do because you've got him at a disadvantage by having his brother. If we're going to talk about this, like fathers that we are and uncles, can we please get our clothes?
No! I'm not talking to you, young boys. I'm talking to these four fine gentlemen who are here to help us. Oh. Uh, in exchange for what? You gonna let the kids go? In exchange that you don't see this anymore and I start wiggling my dick. The kids take another D4 of psychic damage. You're killing my voice!
That's a three. And a two. That was not quite as bad as it had been, but it's still pretty bad. Words are more powerful than actions. So they go, maybe. I don't know. Sir, half of chaos, what should we do? And he looks at Lark in your hands, and Lark looks back at him with eyes that are like furious, but also pained. And Sparrow goes, do you trust me? And Lark says...
Till the end. Oh, shit. And Sparrow goes, I will come back for you. Away! And he runs with the guards. He goes, we are starting the ceremony now! Ceremony? They run into the elevator, unless you want to try to stop them, obviously. Can I chase after him? Yeah, go ahead and chase. All right, I'll chase after my son running at the elevator. Okay, roll acrobatics. Athletics, athletics, athletics. Athletics. Oh, I have a negative one on this. I got a 16. Ooh, okay.
All right, so you catch up to him and put a hand on him and seeing this one of the guards is going to attack you. Oh great. This will be actions of consequences will is me to kinkoo King coots. I'm sorry. I can't go is a bipedal bird that is man-sized I love that They're very very cute. They're my favorite so he misses okay, but now you were basically just in straight-up combat everybody roll initiative and
21. 6 plus 4, 10. 19. 4. Now they are going to roll initiative as a group.
15. So we are now at the beginning of combat, and Will, you rolled the best initiative roll, so you get another, you get a turn. Okay. I am going to blast the guy in front of me with poison spray. Okay. Sha-cow! So poison spray is he, I put my hand in front of him and blast him with noxious gas from my palm. He has to take a constitution saving throw. All right. So are you targeting the Kenku who they just tried to attack you? Yes. Okay. Okay.
He fails. So what happens to him? 1d12 damage. Whoa! All right, go ahead and roll it. He takes 5 damage. Okay. He is looking worse for wear. And I go, smell my stinky palm, you bird bastard. Ha ha ha!
Lark goes, that's it, huh? That's the best you got? Ron Sampler. All right. Ron attempts to hide in the pants that he is still wearing by pulling them up over his head. All right.
I am willing to roll for stretchiness of pants. Just FYI. Okay. But trust me, they're pretty stretchy. Trust me, they have to be really stretchy, if you know what I mean. Do they just happen to be the same, like they're a cobblestone print, so it just blends into the environment? Just happens to be wearing like... Well, if I do it fast enough, it looks like I have disappeared into thin air, into short air. Okay.
Okay. Why don't you roll stretchiness? If you get a 15 or higher than... Okay. You're just going to have a regular roll for your stealth check then. If you got a 15 or higher, you would have a advantage because the pants were so very stretchy. But you're going to roll stealth check. Okay. Nine plus four. Okay. So 13. So they're going to oppose with wisdom.
Okay, so the guy up top with Freddy can see you. He can see over the top of the pants. Yeah, he can see over the top of the pants. He goes, hmm, there's a guy in that pants. But my name is Speaker. I don't remember my real name. Speaker Travis. Speaker Travis, and I can see through pants. But the other guys on the ground floor cannot see you. You've successfully hidden within your pants. Ah, yes.
So now what do you do? I'm not going to take another action. I'm just going to wait and see what everybody does.
Can we all roll to see if we know that? Yeah, roll perception. I want to know if I know that Ron hid. I'm completely bamboozled by this move. Nope, nobody knows. As far as you're concerned, Ron just disappeared. Where's Ron? Where did Ron go? Why are his pants there? Did Ron throw off his pants and run? So do we just see a pair of pants on the ground? You think they're just like leaning up against a wall or something? Yeah.
Ron's finally free. At least we all have our dick set. Ron sees in his pockets that he does have the baby teeth. I love the idea that you have to explore your pants space like it's a TARDIS. Yeah. Okay. So the Kenku is going to try to attack Henry to get Lark free.
Ooh. That's going to hit you. Ooh. So you take 1d6 plus 3 damage. Oh, shit. It's real bad. I'm going to have to put some ointment on that. Oh, we got one. So 1d6 plus 3? Yeah. So 4 damage. So 4 damage. And you, in your pain, recoil, and you let go of your son. So they're all basically going to go as groups. It'll sound punishing, but it's basically they all go as one chunk. Okay. Lark is going to run for the elevator. Okay. He's going to spend all of his actions dashing to the elevator, and that's his turn.
The lizard folk is going to run up to Daryl Wilson and he is going to bite you. Okay. Now I want to ask a few things because I'm holding Sparrow. Here's the thing. You use him as a human shield? Yeah, I don't want to kill Sparrow, but I'm planning on maybe using him either as a shield or a club depending on what's going to be happening. So I just want to make sure because sometimes I don't want to just roll a dice and then Sparrow's dead. Okay.
I feel like you could use him as an armor class bonus. Because it's like, the guy's going to want to avoid hitting the kid. Here's what we'll do. If you try to put Sparrow up in front of you, that means he'll be attacking with disadvantage. But if he still does actually succeed in this attack roll, he'll just hit Sparrow. Okay. I'm going to suggest what I want to do, because I don't know if this would work with initiative. I feel like the moment I saw this happening, I would have turned around and put him in a cell and said...
grown men gotta do some talking and then i close the door and i turn around ready to fight uh yeah that's not gonna happen yet you can do that on your turn because that's a lot of stuff okay but no i actually protect sparrow okay there we go i turn away and just take the hit okay so he'll attack you with advantage but there's no way that he'll hit your son or sorry henry's son it feels like my son right now all right he's going to try to bite you oh no oh no
Roll 2d6. Oh! I'm a barbarian. I got a lot of HP. That's a 2, and that's a 3, so 5. Plus 2, so that's 7 damage. Okay. Yowza. That definitely hurt. And then he's going to try to throw his javelin at Glenn, who is in the stairwell and within view of him. Take a d6 plus 2 damage. Glenn. 1 plus 2, 3. Okay.
And now the kobolds go. The one up with Glenn is like, what's going on? What are we doing, guys? Guys, what are we doing? And he loses his turn because he can't see what's going on down there. He's just so confused with the man in the pants thing. He doesn't even think that that's a plan, so he doesn't feel like he needs to tell anybody about it. He's just like, well, was that guy cold? Yeah, what's going on? And then the other kobold runs up and is going to try to hit Daryl. And he will...
Miss. So he swipes at you with his dagger and he just...
right? Very close to your body. And you can feel the wind from it on your naked, sweaty flesh. Uh, now it is Glenn's turn. What I want to do is I want to run up and push the cobalt through the window. Oh, cool. Uh, so I've been hit, stabbed. I'm going to assume my, my dad rock aura, right? The onstage persona, which is in this character, uh, what shifting is. So normally the same more beast shield appearance. That's a fair description of the aura that, uh, Glenn Close, uh, emanates, uh,
So this transformation is going to last for a minute. I gain plus three temp HP and additional benefits that depend on your shifter sub race. So everybody else, are they going to just see like, Ooh, wow. He's got like more stage presence or are you going to like visually change or do you just have like more charisma and presence? Um,
I think it's one of those things where I definitely look like those abs suddenly become more defined, but it seems that way, even though it's not. It's like when a pregnant lady glows, and I'm like, there's just something about you. There's just something about that. You turn from Glenn Close into Glenn Closer. I didn't understand it until I saw Jimmy Wong go on stage, and you look like a different person on stage, even though it was just him. So you look exactly like Jimmy Wong. Yeah, you turn into Jimmy Wong. You turn into Jimmy Wong. Like in canon, yeah. Yeah.
The quads get a little more defined. The hair seems to be a little longer. All of a sudden, it's like, is there a wind machine? Like the hair just starts kind of blowing back. There's a mirror selfie. I'm so sorry, Jimmy. So as I'm shifted, I'm a little bit faster, right? Just sort of an overall bow. So I'm going to try and run up, dash up the stairs and push the kobold through the window sort of that he's overlooking while given like an Iron Man, like, yeah!
Alright, let's call that a normal attack. Okay. 12. That hits him. You shove him through the window made of glass. Glass shatters everywhere and he hits the fucking ground and takes a d12 of damage. Talk about a stage dive. Holy shit. Everybody take 1d4 but halved. 1d4 to my, oh my god. That's a d8, Beth, you're gonna die. Oh, I'm sorry.
One divided by half is still one, right? Yeah. I don't have to take one. Fuck you. You said it. So I took two. As that happens, as you say that dad joke and you see Lark and Sparrow recoil from it, you are like emboldened by the realization that like for all the things in this world that have changed for all the situations that you found yourselves in, there is one constant and that is that your dad jokes have power and you are emboldened and now you can feel that you will no longer take any damage from
from dad jokes they are now part of who you are they're your brand um that's what i lived for okay somebody rolled d12 for him please one oh not great he has like a little nimble roll but he's in the thick of it over there i assume yeah i think i want to see then so i'm up in this uh guard tower alone then right yes so what does this look like i want to take a i want i don't do i have time to do like a perception check absolutely what what the hell is going on in here
Whoa, bad one. Okay, so you're just very confused by everything that's up here. I assume like what, a bunch of levers and stuff? Yeah, there's like a lever, but you don't know, does it go up or should I go down? What do I do with it? I don't know. There's a chair. Do I sit in the chair? Do I throw the chair? What happens with the chair? I don't know. It's very confusing. So in my exuberance of energy, I kick the chair and punch the lever straight on. Okay.
The lever snaps. Oh, shit. And then the little girl in the cell beneath you is like, oh, fucking come on. Okay, the other kobold will go now. It's going to run up. Whoa, God. So it does 1d4 to Henry Oak. Oh, yikes. Okay. Two. Okay, so he does two damage to you. And he goes, stay away from the Lord of Chaos.
Nice. Thanks for the advice, chief. Now it is Daryl's turn. So Daryl Wilson, just to clarify, he is, I have held Sparrow. I protected him from getting hit by this lizard creature. Correct. Okay. You have to let me know if I have enough time to do this.
So first, from that hit, I evoke rage. The Sphera feels you hold him tight, and he's like, oh no! And I walk him to the cell, and as I close the door, I stare at him, I go, your father loves you, and you should respect that. And I close the door, and then I interact with objects, and I pick up one of the many broken pieces of glass on the ground and hold it in my hand, and I charge at the closest...
whatever whatever fucking creature was closest to me that's a lot fuck it yeah we'll say you can get an extra action oh you do get an extra then that's perfect how about you decide who you want to attack so there's the kobold the lizard the one who hit you is the is the lizard okay yeah I go straight for the underside of his neck okay attack him so what what would that weapon be I assume like a we'll consider that a dagger yeah okay so I roll a 20
A nat 20 with that dagger. It's d4 plus 2 damage, yeah. So I roll two of them? Yeah. So that's a 2 and a 3, so 5 plus 2, 7. All right. Now it is Will's turn again. Previously on Henry's turn, I was fighting the... I'm still sort of mano a mano with this... The canku, the bird boy. The canku. And then my son is off in the elevator now, right? He's inside the elevator. Okay. Okay.
I'm going to... I'm just going to hit him with poison spray again. I feel like I'm ready for this bird to die. All right. I say, I consider myself a friend of the birds, sir, and this gives me no pleasure, but as you continue to assault me, I have no choice but to defend myself. You're definitely part of the Audubon Society. Yeah, I'm like, I don't want to let the Audubon boys hear about this one. All right, he opens his mouth in surprise, and it hits him full force of the mouth. So roll a d12. 11. Oh, no. Wow. The Kenku looks at you, and...
wide mouth stares at you dead in the eyes as the poison begins to eat him from the inside out and you just watch him just sort of begin to melt from the inside and a screech that will stay with you for the rest of your days should you live to be a thousand emanates from his horrible maw and all the donations you ever gave to the Audubon Society echo in your ears as he dies in front of you I shed a single traumatized tear
All right, he is dead. Is that your turn? That's my turn. I don't think I can do anything. Well, I guess I can move, right? You can move. All right, I'm going to move towards the fracas, whatever Daryl's up to. All right, you are now with Daryl, which means you are flanking the Lizardman. So Daryl will get advantage on attacks. Another great band name, Flanking the Lizardman. Oh my God, so good. Oh man. All right, Ron.
So besides the Lizardman, who else is hanging out here? There's a Lizardman and a Kobold that just fell to one damage. Did like a cool roll. Yeah, kind of a fun, like he almost tried to Spider-Man land, but he like fucked it up and like twisted his ankle a little bit. Ron will be impressed, but will not hold back. Ron is going to sort of crab walk in the shorts. Yes.
Wait, they're shorts? I thought they were pants. So wait, people just saw two legs? Two hairy legs from the fucking floating shorts? How did you hide? But you can be crouched, right? So it's like a really baggy short. So you were basically... Ron was wearing fatty JNCOs this entire time.
Cargo shorts to hold all of your cell phones. The hugest JNCOs. Wait, wait, wait. They were pants, but I zipped them off, and now they're shorts. Okay. Zip off cargo shorts. So you're like, this will help me hide if I remove most of the pant. Yes. And so I run crab walks. So it's just two pairs of feet coming out of a set of shorts. Run crab walks over toward the fray, and then can I grab some glass? Yeah. Yeah.
Are you going to attack somebody? Because you'll get your sneak attack damage. I'm going to slit their Achilles tendons. Jesus Christ. Wait, when you say there, who are you attacking? There's a lizard. There's two kobolds. I'll take kobold one. The one that fell? Yes. Okay. So why don't you attack him? Because you're sneak attacking him, I believe that means you get advantage. You should specifically go for the ankle that he sprained.
I'm going for both of them. Ow, ooh, my ankle. So yeah, you have advantage, so roll twice and treat it like a dagger attack. Six. You rolled.
10. Do you need bonuses? You must have a bonus. Yeah, hit DC's plus five on dagger. Okay, so yeah, you hit him. So now roll a D4 and a D6 and then add two. One and then five. And then plus two. You slice his Achilles tendon in just the right way that you hit a vein and green blood just starts shooting out of it into the air. What is Ron's reaction to this?
There's relief. So all of you now see like a pair of shorts just sort of showed up and then like blood is shooting everywhere. Now you realize that Ron was hiding within his own shorts. I think they just hear my lack of laughter, my like bad like. So now it's the lizard's turn to go. The lizard is going to try to hit Daryl as per usual.
It misses with its first attack. Its second attack, it's going to try to throw a javelin at the pair of pants. And it missed with his eye as well. And he goes, this is not my day! Alright, now the kobold's going to go, and it's going to try to attack Henry, and
And it will probably, well, it missed. Great. So now it is Glenn Close's turn. I heard the girl when I punched the lever and broke it. Yeah. And I kind of lean over through the sort of broken glass window. I'm like, hey, what's your deal, man? What are you here for? Murder. A lot of murder. I'm a shapeshifter. I can help you. I'm not really a girl. See? And then he like transforms into basically just a knight looking dude. He's like this. I can look like this. Or I can look like this. And it turns into like a dog and like.
I've murdered a lot of people, but clearly you guys are fine with that, so we should be homies. How do I let you out? Well, I was going to say pull the lever, but you broke the lever, so I don't know. Come over here and wedge my door open? Wait, if you're a shapeshifter, can't you just shape into a shift smaller than the... Yeah, here's what we'll do. You shapeshift into a lever, I'll come down and get you, and then I can use you as a lever. Not how it works!
I shapeshifted into something that's the same basic size as me. The mass has to all go somewhere. Well, so mass is a function of also you can have density, so you can be really heavy. Like from a physical sense, you know what I mean? Like really wide but thin. So I'm like an ant with a fucking weight of dark matter. Yeah, go really wide but thin. Technically, yeah. Like for example... Wait, wide but thin? Oh, shit. Like a poster board. Like really wide. I never thought about that before. So you look down and you see...
You see this little girl. You go... And then basically, she turns to do like a length of bubble tape. And then...
It's really wide. And then it like falls over and it's like, shit, I can't move if I get that wide. Okay, wait a second. I'm going to put my arm there. She puts her arm through the cell and it gets really long, but she can't move anymore. I just need somebody to pull me out because I can't move. I got you. As my action for this turn, I'll saunter down the stairs and pull this long. You saunter down the stairs past all these people fighting.
And then you pull bubble tape girl out of her fucking cell. Okay, so she's out now. And she like reforms back into person. Like, I cannot believe I didn't think of that before. That hurt a lot. It was heavy tape. It was heavy tape. It was very heavy. Oh, you know, it's extremely... Actually, yeah, roll a strength check. A stank check. A stank check.
Okay, so you pull her. It takes a lot of effort, but you lift with your legs and you get her out. It feels like you're pulling nothing, but it just feels so heavy. Physically accurate. Yeah. All right, so it's Daryl's turn. I mean, I'm still holding this gentleman, and I still have my bloody piece of glass, so I'm just going to keep going at his neck. I like the idea that the glass is in there. I guess I'll just toggle it around in there until I hit something. Kind of wiggle it a little bit. Saying, they're just children, damn it. Okay.
There's a 15. All right. That's yeah. Whatever. It's a four plus two plus two for me. So that's eight. Oh, wow. He's extremely bloodied. Yeah. He's looking very bad. And then I go, hey, why don't you try to step away from me and see what happens? So.
He's looking at a naked man who's just like, like with glass in his neck. And he's just very, very scared. He goes like, I may try to do that. Yeah. Seriously. I'm totally letting you go. Just take a step away. Okay. Roll a deception. Okay.
I get minus one. 17 minus one. All right. He's like, yeah, I buy that. Totally, totally, totally. So behind over his shoulder, you can see Sparrow press the button on the elevator and he sort of reaches out through the grate of the elevator and goes, I will come back for you.
And he's talking to Lark and none of you. And the elevator begins to go up. I gotta say, even though I'm really mad at them for pretending to be a Lord of Chaos and wanting to summon an Elder God, I admire that those two boys are so loyal to each other. You know? I'm just saying. I'm just putting it out there. Yeah. They have a better relationship than a lot of siblings. Yeah. They were putting on orgies and death...
festivals. But they did it together. And the orgy wasn't for them. They didn't want to be involved with it. They wouldn't look at it. That was already there. They put on the death festival. I mean, I guess to be fair, Daryl Wilson did try to walk into it, so you can't really judge anybody. You shoved somebody into it? You shoved me into it. No, he tried to. He touched me. He was, yeah. Okay. It is Henry's turn again.
How does this elevator work? Is it like, could I like grab onto the bottom of it? Ooh, yeah. Okay, like Sylvester Stallone or like in Clear and Present Danger when Harrison Ford jumps on the helicopter skid? Yeah, go ahead and try it. All right, that's what I do. I run to it and then I jump to grab onto it. All right, roll acrobatics. Hot dice coming in.
13. Not quite enough. Oh, actually, I have inspiration. You do. Okay, I'm going to use my inspiration. Okay. 18. Oh, okay. You run, you jump, and you successfully grab onto the bottom of the elevator, and you can see Sparrow lean over the side and look at you. Hey, Sparrow, you want to hang out with your old man? He takes a D4 of... Daryl chuckles. Ha ha ha ha!
Nailed it! He recoils in absolute pain. And so, yeah, you get a bonus action to basically do whatever you want without him opposing you. So is the door open? Can I climb up into it? Yeah. Okay, all right. I'm going to climb up into the elevator. You do that, and he's lying on his back, like, holding his ears in pain. Okay, so that'll be your turn. Now it is Ron's turn. I mean, seems like everybody's doing okay, though. Ha ha ha!
I feel like the girl that materialized might be a good. I come out of my pants. Oh, God. One word away. What would the one word be? Out. To what? I come in my pants. Oh. No, because come out of my pants. Does I come my pants sound drastically less horrible to you? I come of my pants. I yell to the girl, come my pants, and ask if she will help me out of my pants. Why would I? What?
I've got these old man knees. I can't stand up straight. No. I can roll persuasion, I guess.
That is a one. She just starts to walk away. I come out of my pants. Anything else? Is that your turn? There's still a lizard and a kobold left. Oh, there's the lizard still left. And he has the glass. In his neck, yeah. I go over and I punch the glass. All right, make an unarm attack.
You miss. You go for it and you kind of just like, and your punch just glances off of his shoulder. He's more confused than anything else. He's like, whoa, the guy just came out of his pants and then punched him by shoulder. Good swing, Ron. Good swing. You'll get it next time. So it's the lizard's turn. He, taking your advice, is going to run. He's like, thank you for your mercy. I go, you're welcome. And then I do opportunity attack. All right, do it.
I also punch the... I go, nice, nice idea, Ron. And I miss, I'm assuming, with a five. Yeah, you miss completely. He's like, yeah, no, your mercy is great. Thank you so much. You're such a kind person. As I miss, I try to change my punch into a wave to try to play it up. Like, yeah, goodbye. Yeah, thanks. I'll never forget your mercy.
I'll definitely show up later when you need it most. And then the remaining kobold, it's his turn. And he just kind of like gives up. He's like, I don't, I don't feel like I can really take on all, all of you. So I think we're good, right? We're good. We're good. I'm good. I'm going up an elevator right now. Okay. It's from 40 feet in the air. We're good. Okay. While all y'all naked people are down there doing whatever Henry and his son are moving up the elevator and Sparrowhawk,
Sparrow looks at you and goes, well, father, I wanted to spare you from this, but we're on the express up to the top.
So there were a local on an express. What does that mean? It means the ceremony will begin soon. What's up with the ceremony? Well, you know that the doodler will be summoned when the blood of the unsung hero is spilled, correct? Yes. Well, the thing about unsung heroes is you wouldn't know that they're heroic. So the sheriff and I sort of concocted a plan that I don't think you'll love, that honestly I feel a little bit weird about, but it's worth it.
To fight my mortal enemy, the doodler. I created him and I can unmake him. Why?
Who is the unsung hero? We don't know. That's sort of the whole thing. And as he's saying this, the elevator rises to the top of this tower, which is outside. It's got like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like a fucking video game end of tower. Standard boss fight tower. You got some med packs going in and you had all this time to reload your guns while you were going. There's a save point, like three med packs here. I wonder if they're preparing me. Oh no, I hit F9 instead of F6. Um,
And you see just a shitload of random ass people, like poor people, rich people, knights, criminals and stuff like that are just lined up in front of a pool that has a bunch of spikes at the bottom of the pool. And the sheriff, Boreanaz, is sitting there waiting. He goes, ah, one half of you have arrived. Shall we begin, sir? And Sparrow's like, no, no.
And I look at Sparrow and I say, Sparrow, this is insane. You are rowdy boys, but this is, look at what's going on. Those are mothers and fathers and young kids out there. Those are innocent people. I have one question for you. Why do you want to fight the doodlers so bad? Because in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the topmost pyramid, I've learned a great deal in the schools that you've taken us to. I know.
We take you to very good schools. Self-actualization is the pinnacle to which a human can achieve. And me and my brother have wished for so long to achieve our pinnacle and self-actualize as the strongest boys in the world. You are already the strongest boys in the world.
You have such a bond between you that makes you capable of such amazing things! You convinced an entire town of people to worship you! Commit genocide! You're about to commit genocide! There is no need for you to prove your strength! And the higher strength than the strength of exerting your will on the world through violence is the strength of love! It is the strength of compassion and mercy! Those are the values that you must truly attain, because it's those values that make you vulnerable!
The price of love is fear. Fear that you might get hurt. Fear that you have to trust in other people. That is true strength. Just violence. Just killing people. That's not strength. Roll persuasion with advantage. Ron heard all of this from down the elevator shaft and is crying. All right. That's a 13. I'll roll again. Take the higher.
And at the end of it, I turn into a wolf. Wait, what? Sorry, what? As I'm speaking these truths about the universe, a majestic light bathes over my body and I transform into a majestic alpha wolf and I make piercing eye contact with my son.
I like that your speech about how violence doesn't matter ends with just in case, though. I'm a wolf now. It's just been a beautiful wolf. Do you know what I mean? Like a hot wolf. A hot wolf. Do we all hear it below? I think we do. Yeah, let's just say it echoes down through the elevator shaft. Daryl looks at who's the other kid. Lark. And I throw my head back and I go, ahhh!
Listen to your dad, son. He speaks good words. Well, Lark is like, I was almost convinced. I was very close to being convinced, but I'm not that convinced. And Sparrow is like, I was very close to being convinced. And then you turned into a wolf. And now I'm fully convinced. So Sparrow looks at you and he goes, you are right. The greatest strength is not in violence.
It's in loving people and also being a wolf. So that's going to be my new thing that I'm psyched about. And that's the moment my son became a furry. Yikes.
opens his arms and goes in for a hug from his wolf dad. Okay, wolf dad nuzzles his son affectionately. Sparrow's like, weird, fucking weird. Oh, Jesus. Sparrow's like, I'm trying to not think about the fact that you're also technically still naked. But now I'm a naked wolf.
and wolves are normally naked. Yeah, it's less weird. This is good. Could you imagine if you had pants on? It'd be weird. If I was a wolf with pants on, would I have the pants on all four legs or just on the back two legs? This is something you would so see in Beverly Hills. A wolf with pants. So Boreanaz and his retinue of guards see this nice little hugging moment between father and son and Boreanaz says, am I to understand that you no longer wish to summon the doodler, Sparrow?
And Sparrow goes, no, I found a new calling. I wish to be a love wolf. And Boreanaz is like, no, that won't do. That won't do at all. But it sounds as if by saving you from the fate of becoming an evil god,
that your father, in many respects, is an unsung hero. Get him. And a huge group of soldiers just charges at your naked wolf form. And I do like one of those cute, like, and the, like, record scratches. Like a little dog head tilt. Say what? More like an unhowled hero.
Okay. Freddie can cut that out. Now that you've said that, though.
Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our daddy master, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song by Maxton Waller. Get the hottest minivan owners tips and join the episode discussion on our Facebook group at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads. And you can follow us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads.
where this week you can see some brand new banner art by Shauna Seikocchi. You can find her work at artofoceanfruit.com and on Twitter at Ocean Fruit. Finally, thanks to everybody who has been sharing episodes, leaving iTunes reviews, kidnapping their friends, and secretly playing episodes for them over the Bluetooth in their cars, even though they don't like podcasts, which is a particularly effective technique. If you do enjoy this podcast, please let a friend know. Leave us a review on iTunes or even just drop us a line on our Twitter or Facebook. Anything is
is always appreciated. Next episode's coming at you March 26th, so we will see you then. There was a time we needed to know they never brought you
I had a psychopath friend who once took the entire, like the puck of bubble tape out and ate it like taking a bite out of the side of a hockey puck. Did he at least not swallow it? No, no, he chewed it. He was like, this is how I eat bubble tape. Well, that's obscene. At least he didn't swallow it, but that's still obscene. That is a crime. Yeah, he's in prison now. Not only have I done it, I was swallowed. Why? I don't know.
You're a monster. Swallowed gum? Listen, I was at camp in Missouri and that's what you do. I swallow gum like now. What are you guys talking about? That's bad. That's like rubber in your tummy. You have one job with gum and it's don't swallow it.