Ep. 39 - Forgotten Realms
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Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the description.

Mustache, this is Ron. Can you hear me? Loud and clear, Ron. Kept you waiting, huh? I'm at the sneak point in front of the hippie commune facility. Excellent, Ron. Not having pants hasn't slowed you down one bit. Our intel says Henry's anchor is either located in the temple or in the hatch. We need you to infiltrate and find that anchor. Oh, jeez. How am I going to sneak past all these weird hippies? Ron, who are you talking to? You need to cover yourself in mud so you blend in with these disgusting, smelly hippies. Copy that, Mustache. Ron, we don't...

I'm making my way towards the temple. Remember, stealth is vital. What the frick? Why does everyone look like me? Hang on, Henry's freaking out because all the hippies look like him. Ron, use the weapon button to aim your tranquilizer gun at Henry. Oh, crap, they've spotted us. Hang on, Mr. Mustache, we've been spotted by the hippies. Get out of there, Ron. Use the circle button to stick to Henry and use him as cover. Oh, that's a great idea. Thanks, Mr. Mustache. Ron? Ron?

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a light D&D role-playing podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. And this week, Glenn fact, coming at you hot.

And Glenn, as you know, has spent a lot of time in malls. One of his favorite stores in the mall is basically the Brookstone slash Sharper Image store because they got those massage chairs. And Glenn, definitely every single time there's like, oh, hold on, hold on. Let me just loosen up before the show and we'll just plop down in a massage chair and just kind of let it go to town on his back.

for a little bit. It's his sort of pre-show routine. Other pre-show routines include, you know, stopping by the Auntie Annie's and picking up a pretzel and getting a massage, you know, the whole nine. But Glenn secretly harbors the belief that he's like, man, these things should sell themselves. These people aren't trying hard enough to sell me on these massage chairs. So he thinks he can sell a massage chair to anybody if he had a massage chair. And his strategy is basically sitting there just being like, oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Oh God.

Exactly. Oh, God. He's been asked to leave three sharper image. You know how the SkyMall magazines used to have all of the sharper image and Brookstone stuff in them?

And they were always just, like, the most absurd stuff that you would never buy. But, like, so my mom is similar to me in that, like, we'll, like, laugh about something super stupid and then we can't stop laughing. And then, like, suddenly we're just, like, disrupting the entire state of affairs and wherever we are. And so we used to, like, not be able to look at the SkyMall if we were ever on a plane together because, like, literally we had people, like, turn around and be like, hi, could you guys keep it down? Because we would literally be like...

but with wheels. Hello, my name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, stay at home coach dad who becomes a barbarian when he

makes love to his wife makes love to his wife i try to say something other than enters because i made beth laugh but then i was gonna say comes into the forgotten realm penetrates the forgotten realms he becomes a barbarian when he comes all over the forgotten realms and my bad fact is so daryl may not know a lot about bdsm okay i'm very interested but it's not what you think is but he does know a lot about brat pratt

Which is the rule when you have an upset tummy, which seems relevant. So brat is what you should think about when you have an upset tummy, which is bananas, rice, apples, and toast. And that's what Daryl always remembers whenever he gets an upset stomach and he always takes care of everybody. So wait, you eat them all at once? They're just the things you should eat. Those are the only things you should eat. All of them at the same time? Yeah.

seems like it'll be even worse well daryl's favorite rat food is toast but he likes milk toast which essentially make your own cereal which is you cook up some toast you put some cinnamon and sugar on top of that toast and you tear into chunks you drop it in a bowl and you have a little bit of milk in there and then that is borderline henry recipe so it's like your salt cinnamon toast crunch yeah it's just cinnamon toast crunch you just made it yourself and it tastes great you can choose your own bread brioche it's amazing that's all the ingredients for just cinnamon you could just have cinnamon toast

But you can make it yourself. And you can get better bread. Could you imagine going to your kid and being like, hey, hey, don't worry about the Fruit Loops. I can make Fruit Loops. Oh, Count Chocula? Let me show you my Count Chocula. If y'all haven't had Milk Toast, one, you're probably not a New Englander from 1960, but

But two, it is delicious and you should try it. It's good stuff. I remember when I was a kid, I was obsessed, as we all were, with McDonald's breakfast. And my favorite was the bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. And I remember my dad needed to do an errand one Sunday morning and dragged me along with him. He's like, Will, I promise you, we're going to get a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit after this. I was like, oh, yeah, so excited for McDonald's. And he took me to a restaurant, like a brunch place for what would have been millennials at the time. And we sat down and I was flabbergasted.

fucking furious. Like I must have been like seven or eight years old. I was so upset that we were not going to McDonald's. And then he's like, well, they got biscuits and bacon and eggs right here. And then he asked the waitress to like put in a little sandwich for me. And I was still, I was like, this is embarrassing. And was it as good? No, it was not as good as the McDonald's. I've never, I've never had a fancy version. I've never forgiven my father for that. And that's why you don't talk anymore. That's why we don't talk anymore. Since seven.

Hey everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play America's favorite hippie Birkenstock rock and crunchy munchy nature druid granola dad from the forgotten realms. Oh, that's right. And that's why I feel safe saying America's favorite because he's probably the only person that all that stuff applies to. Um,

I don't know. There's a lot of D&D podcasts out there, my friend. Fair enough. Maybe we're not the first ones to that. I shouldn't have said that in the intro because my fact this week was just going to be Henry's from the Forgotten Realms. And I feel like I've been sitting on that long enough that I'm busting it out as my fact this week.

if you've been wondering why you haven't heard any facts about Henry's like high school experience or like what it was like for him to be a teen or like what video games he played as a young man now you know it's because since episode like three of this podcast I've been sitting on this bombshell and now it's a whole new

world. Who knows what kind of Henry facts we'll have in the future. You guys think that being like, man, that show really became part of the forgotten realms is going to be the new jump the shark. I've that's I am very nervous for this very specific reason. I would have said if I thought you were actually nervous. Well, can I ask you a question then? Because Henry has like a pretty comprehensive working knowledge of 90s computer games and video games. Yeah. So did he like come into our world and the thing that really got his attention was all these computer games. Henry

came into our world with amnesia I imagine Henry probably did a lot of digging around in 90s and 80s nostalgia trying to trigger sense memories for himself which is why like you know he probably for a while like you know like mist really reminded him of something but

The problem is just the weird energy of the creepy forest he grew up in. And the rhythm of hip-hop reminded him of music back from the Forgotten Realms. Yes, exactly. That was the inspiration. Most people dig around in 80s and 90s culture because they have depression now. It was heartbreaking. Everyone was talking about how Stranger Things reminded them of their childhood, and then he was like, this reminds me of nothing. Couldn't enjoy Stranger Things. He's the only one.

Hey, I'm Beth May, and I'm America's...

Your America's favorite, you can say it. Fourth favorite, Beth May. There's actually a Beth May that's Elizabeth May, and she's like a fantasy writer who has like way more fans than I will. You should just say that's you. What's stopping us? Oh, that is me. Yeah, of course. I think she lives in Scotland, though. So, but yeah. Which means no one will ever run into her. We had to talk to Random House to get Beth on the podcast. She got like 100K Twitter followers, and now...

Elizabeth really adds a lot of like, it does sound a little more successful. That's what my mom always said. The author of the YA fantasy trilogy, the Falconer. Ooh, this shit. This sounds good. Yeah. I mean, you're down. The next time you call Beth May in universe, it should be a, it's a wrong number. And you can, Elizabeth may can show up and be like, who?

Sorry. How'd you get my number? Please stop calling. Now that I'm like the toxic, awful person that looks at how many Twitter followers they have, like whatever I clicked on her, I'm like, Elizabeth May, who does she think she is? And then I was like, oh, who do I think I am? I'm Beth May. Just just to clarify, not Elizabeth May. And I play Ron Stampler. We've lost some followers now. Oh, no, I thought this was the writer of the

YA fantasy trilogy, The Falconer. I want to hear about the Falcons. I've played Ron Sampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that Ron can type 70 words per minute.

Wow. That's right. Respectable. Yeah, that's respectable. Wait, what word? It's only one word, and it's the word word over and over again. He could type the word word over and over again 70 times per minute. 70 words per minute. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. That's still pretty fast. That's a little over one a second. That's pretty fast. That's like 100 seconds. Yeah, I mean, I'm not acting like it's something to not be proud of because, yeah, it's good for him. Well, word to that.

Right. This is what Henry's going to say when he finds out about that. Hey, everybody. It's me, Anthony, Bert, your dad. Yay! I miss seeing your dad face. Well, that's one of us. You're just an Anthony on my screen. It's just the Arial font Anthony. It's just sitting there. Could you at least put an emoji or something in there so I have something to look at? Anthony's evolved into his final form, a lowercase white on black sans serif font. Okay.

I just it's just very hot in my house and I don't want to have to put on clothes just to talk with you nerds. Wait, are you naked for this? That's why he always says he's not on camera. You sound so much like my dad. I thought you were going to say you sound so naked. Can you hear the lack of so naked? Yeah, that's an unfortunate thing that you can just know now. Some episodes have been naked before.

I haven't. If you can go through the catalog and think you can figure out which ones I'm naked and which one I'm not, I will give you a $100 gift card. The earlier episodes is where he's naked most often is the one we were all recording in the same room. Yeah, it's supposed to be when we were in the same room is when he did it. Yeah. No, it was a power move. I just want to also say congratulations to all of us, but mostly to Will for your first rap album. Oh, pish posh.

All the glory goes to Freddie and Max Waller for pulling that one together. Will Campos put together a... Yeah, exactly. We've finished the Rocks Rock EP, which is, as referenced in the show, the first EP rap album that Henry Oak...

The first of many. The first of many. So people who are Patreon supporters already know about this. This released for free to all of them because it was a Patreon stretch goal. If you're listening to this right now, it's available for download on our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com. And if you stick around after the episode, you can hear a preview of the first track. Some choice beats. I feel like if that's canonical, like that's actually the album Henry made, like it really changes his character. Yeah.

That was no GarageBand bullshit like he did on the episode off the top of his dome. That was some good ass rap. Somebody said it well when Daryl said he liked the album and they're like, now it makes sense because it's fucking legit. It's legit hard. It's legit good. Yeah, he wasn't just being nice. Well, thank you guys. Anyway, folks, stick around after the end of the episode to listen to the first track. What what? What what?

Last time we were all together, you got Lark and Sparrow from Walter the Immoral and dropped off Grant, played some Ninja, hung out. And then you went to the city of Oakvale, or the village, I guess, of Oakvale to get Henry Oak's anchor. And once you got there, you split up. Ron and Henry are together, and the others are with Lark, Sparrow, and Payden, making sure that they don't follow after Henry. Henry found that there was a very large temple and a very large

hatch set into the ground, kind of like lost, and that his anchor was in one of those two buildings. As he got close, they got caught. The guards that were going to presumably like arrest you or attack you, they instead fell to one knee, kind of referred to you as royalty. And then Barry Oak came out of the temple and said, Hen, welcome home. And then also a lot of the people look like me, right? But they're not clones. They're not clones. Sorry.

Yes. Also, this village of Oakvale is weirdly filled with a bunch of people that look very similar to Henry Oak, almost like they are relatives of his. Not like they're clones. I didn't describe that well. Not like clones, but more than the way all white people look the same. Somewhere in that zone. Like, yes, an embarrassment of Hemsworth's, which is, I believe, how Hemsworth's are referred to in the plural. Barry Oak has descended the stairs and has taken your hands into his, Henry, and he said, you're home. What?

I pull my hands back. What do you mean home? What are you talking about? Where am I? What is this place? This is Oakvale. This is where you were born. This is where I raised you. And this is where you left me so long ago. And this is now, I think you'll agree, where you are going to return to finish what it was started. What? What? So Henry internally, because I'm not a great actor, so I'm going to explain it rather than acting. Okay.

Dude, could you imagine if you could do this in movies? Hold on. Internally, this is how I feel. That's what's great about books, my friend. Books can be like, here's what was going on. So Henry is like, it's just a sheer terror kind of going through him right now. He's just very overwhelmed. I stagger back. I'm just, what do you, what, but, and he looks around and it starts to slowly come back to him. He looks around and he sees these faces that all kind of look like him and it's all beginning to slide into focus. Oh my God.

Oh my God, father, what are you? He goes, shh, shh, shh, shh, in through the nose, out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Behind him, Ron is like, in through the nose, out through the mouth, in through the mouth. And he goes, all will be revealed in time. Just shut up, just shut up, just shut up, just shut up, just stop it, stop it, stop. Oh my God, oh my God. I just, I need a second. And then Henry just kind of flops his ass back onto the ground and then goes...

Does that mean you crush Ron? I fall backwards onto Ron and then you hear like, okay, so yes, I just fall backwards. Is Ron still hiding behind me? Yes. Okay. So I'm just pitching backwards onto the ground because essentially Henry starts hyperventilating and he falls backwards. Yeah, I think, okay, so Ron's lying flat like a crime scene chalk outline on the ground with his face in the mud, but like not super bothered. Are you still,

behind Henry? Yeah, I think we're cheek to cheek at this point. So I feel like you have to roll Constitution to see if you can hold your breath for as long as this conversation is going to last. Nice. Don't let her roll stealth.

I got a 15. You managed to hold your breath for at least the first chunk of whatever this conversation ends up being. So Henry's just on the ground, basically having a full on panic attack. He's just like, what is what do you was just shut up. Just shut up. Just shut up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Barry's going to be getting a lot of this right now.

Right. So Barry immediately just starts doing yoga in front of you. And he goes, your mood is beginning to influence my mood. We can't have that, can we? This needs to be a calm, welcoming environment. This is a safe space for you. Oh my God, shut up. Just shut up. Just shut, just stop. Oh my God. There he is. There's Ben. I just stand up and I start pacing around. I'm from here. I'm from the, how is that possible?

Well, I could tell it to you or I could show it to you. I fear that if I told you, you might not believe me. Still doing it. I told you, you might not believe me. I need some more strain in that voice. No, he's so bendy. It's like nothing to him. He's like both of his legs are behind his head and he's like just walking around on his hands. And it doesn't sound like anything. But I suspect I'll have to explain it all to your friends as well. Where are they? Or have you finally realized that you're better off without them? I'm not telling you anything.

You want to show me something? You can show me. No, they're not. I don't know where they are.

They're back with the kids. You're never going to find them. Roll deception. Okay. I got a 15. Ooh, actually, it's your dad. So I feel like he knows when you're lying to him. So go ahead and roll again. We'll say that's a disadvantage. Okay. I got a 19. Oh, wow. Okay, great. Well done. It's been a while. So he narrows his eyes and he goes, hmm, mayhaps you have learned something. Yes, father, mayhaps I have.

Ugh. Make hats. Ugh. Whatever you want to show me, you can show me and me alone. Because I am by myself. Is Ron still hiding, right? Yeah, I'm still hiding behind you. Okay. Okay. Well, in that case, did you notice... I presume you did because you have my eyes, as it were. Did you notice the hatch when you came into the village? Yes, I saw the hatch. I did. Well...

You have many questions, I'm sure, about your past, and those will all be answered if you head into the hatch. There are some catches involved with the hatch. A hatch catch, if you will. Henry rolls psychic damage. I take three damage. God, you and your stupid...

puns oh it's so cheesy oh you loved it he loved it did everybody love it he like looks at you as you look around you see that the entire town has sort of come to like watch you like they're watching a lovely show and they're all so happy and he goes that was a good joke wasn't on everybody very politely claps for him and they go oh and he's oh thank you thank you no that's it's it was it was an easy one

But anyway, yes. So inside the hatch, you can learn everything about how our family came to be here in the Forgotten Realms. And I think once you see the whole story, you'll know that this is essentially where you belong and you must...

You should stay here with me, with your family. All of these. Everyone's around. Say hello to your family, hen. You're not. Just show me the hatch. Canary, can you take us to the hatch? And one of the girls goes, absolutely. And she jumps to her feet. You know when people in the 1950s would make a fist and go, gee whiz, and punch the air, kind of? She does that. Why, certainly. What a new voice.

voice I love it every time I love canary yeah canary is the best so canary I've already forgotten the voice canary goes follow me and she she leads you like walking way too jauntily almost like Mickey in the old like steamboat Willie like just her limbs are moving a little bit too much she's got a little bit too much bounce her lips have shot way like five inches out from her

face as she's whistling. As you walk toward the hatch, Barry says, I will be here waiting for you once you realize what is to be done, of course. I shall see you in a moment, but the preparations be made for the feast. There's going to be a play, a party. There's going to be so many enjoyable things. We've been waiting so long for you, my son. He like does the trail off thing with his voice. He doesn't need to. He's just walking away. I'm trying as hard as I can to tune him out right now. At this point, isn't, I mean, they're surrounded at this point. Have they not noticed Ron? Oh, that's true. Yeah, Ron, give me another stealth check. Okay. But remember that

in the previous episode, Beth said that Ron like covered himself with mud and muck and stuff. Yeah. And he's face down and he could just blend right into the ground. Yeah, it's good. He's John Ronbo now. A man of war. Says 14 plus 8 is 20. I forgot how good you were at sneaking. Dude.

They just look and they see a big hunk of mud on Henry's back. Nice. I feel like you're crawling like right behind him and they just like, you are just like a moving pile of mud. Well, no, because I splatted in the mud. Or like I got my hands like around his ankles and he's just dragging me. He's just dragging you. Yeah.

So he looks like Pigpen. He just has this fucking cloud of muck around him all the time. Everyone thinks that Henry's walking really slow because he's freaking out and traumatized, and that's partially true, but it's also because he's dragging Ron and trying to be cool about it. Should I roll again to see if I can talk to him a little bit? Yeah, if you want to. You'll have to roll another stealth. Okay, so 11 plus 8, so 19. All right, go ahead and talk. Just through the vibrations transmitted through his ankles, through your hands. Yeah, I feel like you're kissing his ankles.

Hey, Henry, what do you think? Sorry, I just choked on a stick. Hey, Henry, what do you think we should do? I mean, you know, do I have to roll stealth to talk to Ron? Yes. Well, but you're like muttering to yourself, right? No, it's the difference between them thinking he's muttering to himself and them not hearing. I see. Actually, I'm going to do this as a performance.

Because I'm trying to perform that I'm talking to myself. I'm trying to bluff it that I'm talking to myself, but I'm really talking to Ron. There you go. That's the slick rule. That's the shit I want. Okay. And I got a 13. That's not good enough. So they definitely hear you just sort of murmuring whatever you're about to say to yourself. Canary hears this. But do they think I'm murmuring it to myself? Yes, they do. Okay, all right. I don't know, Ron. This is a lot of room for you right now. Okay, never mind. You said Ron. Ron.

Oh, boy. So Canary turns around and goes, who's Ron? Who's Ron? What are you? Who's? I don't know who Ron. I just got here. Go find Ron if you want to talk to Ron. I'm your pet rock. Ron's my pet rock. I grab a rock on the ground and I kind of like hold it near his ankle. And then I pick it up and I say, Ron's my pet rock, okay? This is my emotional support rock. He's my rock. All right.

You get inspiration. Canary goes, oh, I have an emotional support rock as well. That's so delightful. And she takes a rock out of her fanny pack in front of her, and it's like a rock and a sock or whatever. And she goes, I use it to repel people that I do not care for, and I use it to comfort myself in long, lonely nights where I feel sad about the, you know, death and the end of all mortality. Skinny tricks. Run that one by me one more time.

Before I go into this creepy hatch? What was that? Yes. So if somebody tries to hurt me, like if I'm nobody inside of Oakville ever, of course, for multiple reasons. But if I go out on the road to try to go to another town to sort of see the sights, I carry Bianca here with me to protect myself. And when I'm asleep and thinking about how when there's nothing for us after death, just black void and eternal nothingness, I hold on to the rock to keep me grounded.

Oh, you're just talking about just death and... Okay, that's the normal terrifying stuff. I thought this was... That's right. Okay, I thought that was maybe like a clever into like a fantasy thing, but... Oh, no, no, no, not a fantasy thing. Just a normal relatable thing. All right, well, it seems like a fun thing to remind people of in the middle of a podcast. Um...

I'm just a canary. It's good for you. You have an emotional support rock, like my emotional support rock, Ron. So Ron and I are going to keep walking. And if you hear me talking to my friend, Ron, just know it's me talking to this rock. Wonderful. Oh, that was a close one, Ron. That was really close.

What are we going to do when we get to the hatch? Okay, I think when we get to the hatch, I mean, I've got to figure out what the frick is going on here. And I don't trust what's going on with regards to, you know, the other rocks. You know how there's those other rocks? Because I'm assuming that Canary is still leading us, right? Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Those other rocks, I want to make sure that they're safe. So I want to keep them safe.

far away you mean you're talking about the kids you're talking about your boys baby rocks yes the baby rocks that's what we're talking about i think we just got to go in here ron because i'm pretty scared to do this on my own and i think you know maybe we got to go in but what do you think you know i mean this is a two-way street so you know i want to hear and then i hold i hold the rock up to my ear to pretend that i'm talking to the rock and like nodding along um

Yeah, sure, sure. Let's, uh, let's rock and roll, buddy. Great. I'm really glad it's you and me on this one, Ron. They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

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The last thing that happened was you learned that Barry Oak had created Oakvale and that therefore the boys are walking into a trap. So what do you do? Glenn, this has got to be the Barry Oak. That'd be too much of a coincidence to go. We went here for his anchor. It's got to be Barry Oak. I agree. It's a high percentage likelihood, but let's just keep open the possibility that there could be multiple people named Barry Oak. You see, when paths diverge, you need to be able to... Okay, but game plan. We got to, like, Barry wants...

Lock and Sparrow. We got to get Lock and Sparrow out of here. Rescue mission. Yeah, that's right, kids. We're going to do a rescue mission. We're going to rescue you two from your horrible grandpa who's coming after you, okay? No, no, no. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to carve these sticks because you guys can defend a fort, right? We're going to make the biggest, baddest fort. Your grandpa's never going to be able to get in there. And when your dad comes back, we're not even going to let him in. It's going to be so intimidating. You think you can handle that? You think you can make that big of a fort? We're going to make a fort that would keep out an oak. I do not think so.

Oaks are battery rams used for breaching fortresses. We do not build, we destroy. Hmm. Well, how about one of you makes a big fort and the other one builds a battery ram and then you see who wins? Yeah, you can use what's called an adversarial network. Yeah.

What happens is one person makes something, the other person tries to break it down, and then that person realizes using the weaknesses of the thing they tried to break it down with can build a better one, and that process continues until you have a fort that's unbreakable and can also fool Google image captures. And whoever wins, I'll teach you how to do this. And Daryl's got some sweet butterfly knife skills, and he, like, spins the knife around. Oh, that's a dexterity roll. Roll dexterity. It's not a butterfly knife, so I'm curious as to how this is going to go. He just spins his knife around. He got...

Oh, I was like, what is this shape? And it's the weird Dungeons and Dragons sign on the top of the dice, which means it's a 20 plus one for dexterity. So I do not only do I spin the knife, I spin the knife and then I troll it on my finger like a basketball and I flip it in midair. And as it's flying, I pull out an apple and take one chunk out of it, take a good bite. And then I hold the apple out and the blade slips through the apple and splits into three even pieces. And I hand two pieces to each of them.

And then I take a bite of the last piece. I go, you want to learn how to do that? So Peyton's mouth is watering first of all. Oh shit, sorry Peyton, here you can have my apple piece. And I give him the rest of my piece I already ate like half of. He goes, thank you son. And he's still reaching out to the knife. He's like, I...

Well, if you help them out, you'll be able to do that too. Lark and Sparrow are like a gog. Their mouths are just open with the shot. Shit, Daryl's going to steal my kids. Daryl's doing a way better job with your fucking kids. Maybe that's the secret is everyone just needs to rotate one dad to the left. Yeah. This week on Dad Swap.

Do not Google dad flop. She's not a Christian. Lark and Sparrow immediately exchange glances and Sparrow's like, I will build the most impenetrable fortress. And Lark is like, I will build the most penetrable. Oh shit, what's the word I'm looking for? I will build the most penetrable battering ram. And they immediately start putting sticks together and just building shitty forts out of nothing, just fucking dirt and mucus. But they seem to be pretty focused on that. And Peyton's just like sitting there being their hype and being like, go, go.

I'm rooting for both of you. I don't even know why. All right. Hey, Glenn, what do you think? Should we... I think this is going to work for now. I don't know. I'm just wondering, should we leave them? I don't know if we should leave them unsupervised. I mean, I guess Peyton is my dad, but it's still Peyton. I don't think he can...

supervise them but like i think henry might need help i don't know this is a tough one i don't know how to handle this but like maybe tell them like we'll be back in a little bit and then keep it vague so that you know they don't know what a little bit means and that gives us a little bit of freedom to try and figure this out and then if we don't show up i guess they're gonna come after us oh boy this is a real pickle how do you guys do it no no i'm not concerned about them thinking we're gonna be gone i'm more concerned about us leaving them here and them getting like you know attacked or something yeah that's probably true i mean hey payton yeah what's up baby

It's weird when your dad calls you baby. I don't like that, yeah. Yeah, I don't like that. You were a baby, and I'm your father. If anything, it makes more sense now.

my little baby boy come here baby boy and he's got his arms out stretched he's just like walking towards you always like baby boy no no no there's daddy wants a hug daddy okay okay i give him i pick him up and i give him a hug yeah okay boy yes okay hey payton pats you on the head condescending yeah he does do you remember what my dad's name was uh his name is frank okay is there i like kind of stare into his eyes like can i see is there do you remember anything about him uh

Uh, no, just the stuff that you told me generally. Okay, well, quick dad quiz then. What are you going to do if Lark and Sparrow here want to follow us? I guess... Pop dad hot shot. I shoot the Lark. I guess I'll stop there.

Okay. But when I make them not follow you, Hey, Glenn, Glenn, do you have like a whistle or anything? Maybe we just need to give them like some sort of way to call us if there's trouble. Oh, like an emergency whistle of some kind. I don't know. Like an instrument. You probably don't want to give them the guitar. That doesn't quite work. You can probably do it. I guess they could just scream. Oh,

I take back every good thing I said about Daryl's parenting. So your plan is that you leave three kids on their own, and if something bad happens, we scream. Just bring us with you, man. Daryl, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

We can trust Peyton more or less, right? No, no, we can't. I put it in my head. Here's the problem. So like podcast Matt is like, we shouldn't split up the group more, but dad Daryl's like definitely Glenn just stay here with the kids and Daryl should go check to see because we should not get these kids anywhere near. This is like the chicken in the bag of rice and the wolf across the river.

Oh, I just know if I go and I find Henry and then like we can't find his kids. He'll be like, why did you leave the kids? But I know if I bring them and Barry sees him, he's gonna like eat their souls or whatever it is.

I think one of us needs to stay with the kids. Okay. Peyton is like, I have an idea. What's up, Peyton? You told me that when you first met them, they were disguised as one person standing on top of each other's shoulders. What if you roll in hard, three creepy adults, and also me, and we go to town on these homies? That's true. Wait, wait.

Daryl stares at Peyton and for a second like a little tears in his eye because it's like it's kind of an idea like his dad he's like he's like that's pretty damn smart Frank I mean Peyton is pretty

Yeah, no, that's true. I think we got to take the risk. You know, we got him out of trouble the first time. Okay, yeah, that's a great idea. No, we're not leaving them out of our sight. You're right. You're right. So all three kids are going to be a giant dad in a trench coat? No, no, no. They've already proven that they can deceive adults as two kids in a trench coat. Yeah. Therefore, we put Larkin Sparrow as a trench coat person, and then Peyton is just along for the ride because he can handle himself. Hey, Peyton, Peyton, can you do a Walter voice? Can I do a Walter voice? Yeah, let me try it.

This is what I sound like when I'm bored. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Are you... What? We're three levels deep. Holy shit. Anthony. Peyton, I think if you can hop like a frog, we could maybe like... I know this is going to get a little grim, but maybe we can like carve all these fish up and put some...

put some fish scales on your face. Daryl, it's fine. Daryl, it's fine. It's fine. Are you sure? We don't need to worry about that. The fish can speak English around here. I think they would be really... You're right. You're right. That's a little cruel. Okay. We'll just put some mud on your face and whatnot. We'll put some twigs on. You'll just pretend to be... I can just be me. What is the... What are you trying to accomplish? I just...

Why is it even less weird if you have a dirty boy? I want you to be a frog person. Why? Daryl, no. I'm going to have to put my foot down. This is weird. I'm your father and I'm your father. This is your dad, man. You can't make your dad a fish person. Fair enough. Fair enough. Maybe I'm overthinking this. It's the first time I've been accused of that, but I could see that being the case here. Okay, that's fine. Hey, Larkin Sparrow, how's the Fort of Barryram going? When you turn back, they're already just like immediately just stab each other with sticks.

Like, uh, it goes, uh, it seems that my building aptitude is not what I thought it was, says Sparrow. And Lark says, uh, samesies, hard, hard samesies. Putting two sticks together was a waste of time when I have, when one is all I need. Speaking of putting two sticks together, kids, you remember when you guys were the Lord of Chaos? What are you, a cop?

What cop? Well, no. Hell no. Glenn, have you ever met Glenn? Glenn is the least cop guy you've ever met. Let's say we do remember that. I think that you guys need to go incognito into this situation.

that we're about to go into. And I think that those skills that you may or may not have could come in handy. What I'm saying is you got to get on each other's shoulders and that's the only way we'll let you follow us. Oh, I see. Yeah, you want me an adult again? You guys want to turn into a big old adult, the two of you together? Lark, you know what this calls for. Sparrow, I do. Stealth!

One jumps on the other shoulder in a like, it's so quick and so beautiful. It's like just frames of animation. It's like an anime transition. And they produce a cloak and whip it over themselves. And instantly you can't see into the cloak. It's just this dark figure. And it's like a six foot tall looking dude. And they managed to move with convincing adult moroseness. Which one's on top?

Love Wolf or Violent One? Lark is up top. Violent One. Violent One. I go, whoa, you guys, like, hi. Nice to meet you, old man. Never seen you before. My name's Daryl Wilson. What's your name? I put my hand out. The Lord of Chaos simply bows. I can't.

Cannot believe the Lord of Chaos is back. This is fucking wild. It bows at a perfect 90 degree angle because it's just Sparrow holding onto Lark's ankles. And Lark is leaning forward like Michael Jackson in Smooth Criminal. And then he just like. So good. Yes. Okay. So Lark, Sparrow. Yes. Now that was a test. Don't respond to Lark and Sparrow. Lord of Chaos. Okay. Sure. Do you want another name other than Lord of Chaos? Just in case like that name's been burned.

Do we want another name other than the coolest name there is? You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. That's fair. You're right. Okay. Glenn, he could be like your leading guitar man or something. Oh, yeah. He's like the mysterious bassist. Yeah, there you go. And we're like a crew. Doesn't say much because he plays bass. I'm the drummer. Okay. We'll be a band. Yeah. I guess I'm lead singer in guitar. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Payton. What? Slow your roll, my man. Okay.

Peyton's your manager. I'll be your manager. I'll make sure all the candy's the right color. We'll make it work. We'll make it happen. I'll get you deals. Yeah, sure. Let's go for it, man. Yeah, we're going to go for it really quick. Okay, now I am talking to Larkin Sparrow and I open up the coats. I can look at them both in the eye. They go, yes. Yes. Now look, you know, it's good to be rowdy sometimes.

But you know your dad could very well be in trouble. You remember what happened last time with your grandpa, right? Yes, it was boring as heck. Yeah, you don't want that, right? Okay, so it wasn't dramatizing. It was just boring. So to you guys, it was just boring. Yeah, pretty much. But you hate being bored, right? Well, we despise it. You know this. Okay, if you get caught, it's going to be even more boring. You're going to be so bored. More boring than this conversation? Ooh, burn, slap, and they high-five each other. Okay, well, I think you guys got it. We close the cloak.

Hey, should we arm the Lord of Chaos or you think he's good? Like unarmed off in the hatch. Henry just got a chill down his spine. How about you give them your guitar, Glenn? Cause they're supposed to be better. Why don't you give us Glenn's gun? No, I'm going to, we actually, we actually lost that. You don't even have it anymore. You lost that role. Deception. Just Daryl.

That is a nine. So he still has the gun. Yeah, he has the gun, but you guys are kids and you're not going to have a goddamn gun. Just give him the stick. Give him the stick. Don't give him the stick. It's stick or gun, my man. We will not go away. We are going in strapped with wood or iron. You both did a good job of carving your stick. You can share. No, they can both have a stick. Keep one stick inside the cloak and here's your other stick. You both get a stick. Ooh. If we break these into two pieces, then we will both have two sticks and we'll look like Goro from the YouTube videos of Mortal Kombat.

Sure. Whatever, whatever that is. You hear the sound of two pieces of wood being snapped. Huh? Okay. I guess we start heading in town, right? Are you doing so stealthily or are you walking in to be noticed? Stealthily, I think. Hey, Glenn, you want, I mean, we're, I don't think we're going to be able to hide ourselves or,

Or I guess I see what you're saying. I guess you want to just like check the perimeter and see if we can see what's going on. You don't have to just like, yeah, we're sneaking up. We're trying to sneak up. We're seeing you have to get a lay of the land. Yeah. Like if there's any hills, we're going to approach stealthily to kind of get a sense of any openings, you know, like, like the beginning of any good stealth video game, you start out stealthy. It never ends that way, but you have good intentions at the beginning. Go ahead and give me a stealth role. Yeah. How good's your stealth, Matt? My stealth is really good. Wait, that doesn't make sense.

Oh, I got... It was plus one. I thought I rolled a natty one. I got a seven plus one. That's eight. Okay. That was a journey on that dice roll. I thought it was a one plus seven. I was like, I don't have plus seven still. 15 plus four, 19. Okay, so they don't see Glenn, but they do see Daryl. So what happens is the two of you head up to the ridge and...

And you can see that in the center of the village... Ooh, actually, also both roll Arcana for me. I didn't even bother having the other two do it because they have a disadvantage. 5 plus 2, 7. 10 plus 0, 10. Okay, so neither of you notice anything different other than the implication of me asking you to roll Arcana. But... Weird. Glenn, did you just...

feel something you had to think about something magical yeah just like the symbol that prince adopted for his like sort of moniker just kind of flashed in my head but it could just be i've had like you know wannabe or lover stuck in my head for the last 20 minutes that's a good song so what happens is as you're talking about prince the group of oak children i guess or oak family members because they're of all shapes and sizes and ages they immediately notice daryl and

You see about 20 very Henry-esque faces sort of turn to you in unison and their eyes lock with you. And then they all get big, genuine smiles and they start waving at you. And they say, hello, hello, come in, come to Oakvale. Welcome to Oakvale. We're just about to have a big banquet to honor the return of our prodigal son. Oh, well, howdy. I'm Daryl and this is... Glad we're just wandering by. We're looking for a nice place. This sounds like a party where...

This is Glenn. We're just like, no, Glenn. Yeah, sure, fine. You've explicitly said that your names are the names of the dads that Barry is looking for and has been tracking this entire time. Fuck it, idiot. Once you say that, they go, Daryl and Glenn, we've heard so much about

you? Oh, I think you misunderstood. I think you misunderstood. No, no, no, no. We're the band Daryl and Glenn. Yeah. Daryl and Glenn. Like there's some other bands like Hall and Oates. We're Daryl and Glenn. Yeah. Rolled persuasion with disadvantage. Persuasion with disadvantage, sir. I know I probably still walked into the wrong forest. I know. I don't know if I should choose between the 24 or the 23. God damn it. Okay. So they go, oh, oh,

a band for the banquet. What a delight. You could play music while we quaff and fill our bellies of love and food. Why don't you come in and have a seat? We have a kid here. We're going to need to see a rate card before we commit to that, but we can talk. Yeah, Peyton walks up behind you and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, we don't do anything pro bono. We're going to have half now, half later, 2,000 gold minimum, or we walk. Yes, I agree with that. The Lord of Chaos also comes in behind you and they go, ooh, who are these two? Who's the small one and the very large one? Tell us all about them. This one's our manager. This is, uh...

Duke Duke Ellington our manager Duke Ellington our manager Duke Ellington nice to meet you and he starts running around just shaking hands like really shittily just like pop

Just grab him, shake him, put it down. Grab him, shake him, put it down. This is our basis. He doesn't talk much. The Lord of Chaos. The Lord of Chaos bends over ever so slightly. And they say, oh, well, that is absolutely delightful. Do you want to have something to eat? We're still cooking a lot of it. We have some carrots and we have some kale chips and we have some some seaweed snacks, some delightful seaweed snacks. There's all kinds of things. Sit down, avail yourselves of some food.

So Glenn clock said they all look a little bit like Henry and it's kind of starting to put some things together, rubbing some brain cells and getting some sparks. Hey, are you all like related or something? What's your deal? You all like, um, y'all seem like real friendly with each other. And yeah, it's just like a family reunion. Yeah. What's going on? They all in unison burst into laughter and then all in unison, stop laughing around the same time with the same, like that same, like normal, you know, the one who's talking to you, who looks very much like a older feminine version of Henry, uh,

Yes, we are all family. We're all the re-Oaks. We are all of the Oak, Oakvale. My name is...

Anthony, I have a question. Yes? Okay, if they're all related in this town, are they just all, like, into incest? Like, how is this happening? They're not incestuous. Hi, folks. This is us taking a pause from the podcast to let you know this isn't an incest thing. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the episode.

So the older lady says, my name is Gator-y Oak. And we're all family. We've all come from the great Barry-y Oak. And we live here in perfect peace and utter harmony. Oh, man. I think this is the commune that Henry said he was from. Wait.

Oh man, these are a bunch of hippies. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they look a lot like Henry, that's for sure. Um, I just got to, I just got just my mentality. You know, we kind of got to do that. We do tour the whole country after all. And there are certain pockets of the country that just going to adjust sort of my mentality a little bit like, Oh, far out, man, guys, what are you cooking up? Oh,

Oh, you already said loving. I'm kind of gluten-free, though. Oh, no gluten to be found, my good friend. All right. We're all celiac. Daryl, I'm not actually gluten-free. I forgot to introduce myself, Frank of Daryl and Glenn. Nice to meet you. Any chance we could see a man of the hour? You guys are celebrating somebody? A guy named Henry? Oh, you wish to see the prodigal son? You wish to see Hen? It sounds like a fun thing. It sounds like that's what you guys are up to. Also, my name is Bonesaw.

Okay. Frank Bonesaw, Lord of Chaos, and Duke Ellington are here, and we'd love to meet Henry. Of Daryl and Glenn? Daryl and Glenn. It's like Lynyrd Skynyrd or Pink Floyd. It's a name, but it's not the name of anyone in the band. Hootie and the Blowfish. It's like Kiss, and you're like, oh, that seems like a nice band, and then you see them, and you're like, oh, this isn't a nice band at all.

And also, you said Barry's here? Yes, Barry Oak is here. He's the one who made this land for us, and he's the one who keeps it peaceful and safe and...

and really, really cool. So yeah, if you would like to go see Henry Oak, the prodigal son, I don't know if I told you his name was Henry, but I'm pretty sure you're just really intuitive. I could get that feeling about you. We're all very empathic here. Oh yeah. But yeah, he just went down that way toward the hatch. And as they point, you can see Henry and a weird clod of mud at his feet, slowly ambling toward the hatch. We haven't even gotten in the hatch yet. We haven't gotten in the hatch yet. What?

I'm presuming that this is all happening like quasi simultaneously. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. You see Henry like holding a rock and like pointing at it. Yeah. It's Henry. What should we do? I think we just go along with this. We strike when the moment is opportune. I feel like we look and then like the safety off his gun. The Lord of chaos starts like vibrating.

Okay, so let's cut back to Henry and Ron. Let's cut 20 feet over to Henry and Ron. Yeah. Okay, so Henry is like all eyes on this hatch. This hatch is his entire world right now. His whole mentality is just rocked. I'm just going straight towards the hatch. So Canary holds out a hand and goes, ah, here's the thing. It is very, very dangerous in there, and if you go in, you will die.

You will immediately age about 100 years or so, and then you'll die. So there's some other questions we have to take. Okay. I feel like that. All right. Well, you just kept walking towards it. I was going to explain it to you like when we were in front of the hatch. I was going to be like, before you is the hatch. Here are the rules. But you're a go-getter. I like that. Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to die if I go in there is what you said.

If your body goes in there, you see. Okay, so here's the thing. Inside this hatch, this has all been told to me by Barry Oak, from his lips to my ears to my lips to your ears, inside this is the answer to where all of us came from. It carries with it a time long gone, a bygone era. So if we go into this space with our bodies, our bodies will age and decay very quickly. Oh, so we have to astrally project our minds in there is what you're saying. Essentially, yes. But you have to astrally project them into sort of

Oh, so it's a... Okay, so we're going to put our spirits into, like, totems or something and go in there? Kind of. So she starts digging into the ground and just getting big clods of, like, mud. And she goes... So the thing about the world on the other side of this hatch is that it has a lot of different physical rules than the world that we're in. So if you were to imagine this world as sort of a...

Dungeons and Dragons 5.0, everything on the other end of that hatch is sort of Dungeons and Dragons 1.0, like original D&D mechanics, so to speak. So what I'm going to do is you're going to tell me what kind of character you'd like to build in the 1.0 system. What?

I will make it out of mud. What? You'll put your soul inside of it, and then that character will go in, and you can explore to your heart's content without worrying about dying because things were very lethal back in the old days. Okay, this is a lot. Canary, it's been a big ten minutes for me, so I'm going to sit down. Is that...

Oh, oh, my. So Henry looks up and he sees Daryl waving. Yeah. Hi, Daryl. Oh, geez. And oh, gee, is that who I think it is in the room? Our bassist, Lord of Chaos. And I wink at him. The Lord of Chaos immediately like two hands come up from the sides of the cloak and they're just doing devil horns.

Excuse me, Canary. These are my friends. I guess they're... The band. We're the band. The band is called Daryl and Glenn. That's us, the band. And I'm Frank. And I'm Bonesaw. And we heard everything she said, so you don't have to explain it to us again. We overheard it. She was talking very loudly. Would you like to go in as well? Oh, you're the bard? Are you bards? Yes. You could sing a lovely song about Henry and all the wonderful things that he's done in his whole life if you went in with him. It's up to you, though. You don't have to go in.

Are you paying us? No, not at all. There is no payment in Oakvale. We support one another with kindness and love. That is the currency of Oakvale is food, companionship, shelter, the basic necessities of life. Yeah, but like what about like money though? What about it? Well, but like what are you like against the idea of money? Yeah. Yeah.

But why? Do you like the idea of money? Do you like doing things you don't like to do just to get a currency that some other entity is determined should run your life? That seems a little bit slavish. No, no, no. But like the decision of how much money is worth is decided upon by a group of people. Oh, who's this? I'm in the band too. What?

Whoa! Your pet rock has turned into a man. You don't even need a homunculus. You can just go in as you are. That's delightful. I think Ron should probably make a homunculus. Hey, guys, I am actually really glad to see you. It's been crazy. This is like I'm from here, I think.

This is my home. It's all kind of coming back to me. But they said there's a lot of answers on the other side of this hatch, and I got to go in. It sounds really dangerous, though. So I, you know, oh, geez. Oh, boy. Oh, man. This is a big one. This is a lot. I put my hand on his shoulder. I go, so, Henry, is the GP around? What's the grand of...

My dad? Is that just like an open thing? Yeah, this is his town, man. Like this is my dad. I think he's like the mayor here or something like that.

It's all slowly coming back to me. There are answers on the other side of this thing, and I have to see it through. Well, hold on. If you're remembering stuff now, then why don't we just wait here? I mean, like, everybody seems really nice and helpful, and there's no money to worry about. And, you know, as a businessman, I love money, but I don't like counting it. You know what I mean? So if we're safe here, then why don't we just wait for your memory to sort of memorize? Oh.

I feel like I got, I just, I need to know because I need to know, Ron. And if you look, if you want to stay on the outside, I totally get that because this is crazy. This is too much. I need, I need to see this through. Wherever you need to go, Henry, we're going to go. It's the only question is, what do you want to do with the, with the kiddos over there?

So does nobody know that they're the... I don't think so. And by the way, I fed them only vegetables and they did carve some sticks, but they're pretty chill. They got a little out of control, but they're okay. They got their exercise in. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. Hey, thanks for keeping an eye on them, man. It's a dangerous world out here. As you say this, you turn and see that the Lord of Chaos produces one hand with a sharpened stick in it and then another hand with a sharpened stick in it and then another hand with a sharpened stick in it and then another hand with a sharpened stick in it.

And I wave them down. It'd be a shame if this got real boring. Am I right, Henry? All the hands go right back inside the cloak. That's a good one. I'm going to have to use that one. Wow. I can't believe I never thought of it. Hey, good job, Daryl. Oh, thanks. Canary, so you're saying we're going to create little mud versions of ourselves and go into this other plane of existence. What happens to like our bodies? Are we just like taking a nap, you know, on this side? That's right. You'll do a little snoozy. Hmm.

That makes me a little nervous. You won't do anything to us? What do you mean do anything to you? I don't know. I just, you know, the, okay. We'll take you into a bed because your back might hurt a whole lot when you get back up. So we'll probably take you into the village and like get you on a nice, nice little comfy down mattress. Oh, that's nice. We're like putting our hands in warm water or like,

Killing us? We couldn't kill you if you wanted to. Oh, that's good to know. Why couldn't you kill us even if you wanted to? Real quick, go ahead and kill me. Try to kill me. Are you sure? Go for it, go for it. Okay, I take out. I feel like Peyton takes this opportunity to...

Payne's like jumping up and down. He's bouncing up and down. It's consensual. It's consensual. I like Henry like pulls out a knife. I don't know. You know, I'm sure it must be some magic. What are you like? Come right back to life or something like that. It's no big deal. Here, watch. Give me the knife. Go ahead. Okay. I gave her the knife. So she takes the knife and she goes, I'm going to stab myself. Watch out, everybody. And she brings the knife down and it like she tries to like drive it into her stomach. But before it even connects with the skin, her arms just seize up and she goes like,

It's like she can't physically bring herself to do it. She's like, and then she goes, see, you can't actually follow through on any violence within the center of the village. Now in the hatch, you definitely can't because that's sort of a separate zone. I grab the knife and I try to stab into my thigh. Same thing happens. The second thing you're, the knife is about to breach your skin and you can't physically or psychically make yourself do it. This makes the fact that Daryl did this cool knife trick less impressive now. Yeah, he couldn't have possibly cut himself. I tossed the knife to pay him like, all right, but you can have the knife while we're here.

And he grabs it, jumps on top of Canary and just like raises it up and just keeps bringing it down over and over and it keeps doing nothing. She's not reacting at all. And she's like, he's a delight. This one's a delight. He's like, this is so good. This is all the fun of the mess. Okay. Canary, we need to do a band huddle here. So if you could just give us like a quick second. As much time as you need. Okay. Hey guys. And I bring Larkin Sparrow into the huddle too.

Hey, how you doing with all this, Henry? Like, man, I'm trying to keep it together right now. And this is just like, I'm getting a lot of curveballs thrown at me today. And I just... Yeah. So here's my primary concern. Okay. We go to sleep. We go into the other side of this world. Who knows what kind of crazy situation we're going to wake up in, right? Like, that seems kind of rowdy to me. And especially, like, I'm nervous about the kids having to, like, go to sleep, too, because I know that Barry wants the kids. But...

They want to raise our kids, right? Barry doesn't want to hurt them. He wants to raise them. That's what they said. They wanted to steal our kids. Yeah, they wanted to hurt them. They would have hurt them when they had them. Yeah, I don't think they're going to. I don't think, you know, there's a chance that maybe he'll take them. But, you know, if he takes your kids or whatever, we'll get them back. All right. If this is what you got to do, then we got to do this. And, you know, I'm less concerned about what they're going to do to us. And, you know, just making sure that you're OK and ready to, you know, face whatever is going to be in there. How do we know that we can't just go into the hatch? How do we know that she's telling the truth about aging everybody out?

Lark says, if you want to test, I could run in and then very quickly run out and see if I'm suddenly 18 and have the ability to smoke and drink and vote and fire a gun. Actually, you know what, Ron, you could just throw like some of your bats or something in there and see what comes back. That's true. Do you want to test it out with a bat, Ron? Yeah, I'll send a frog in because I think that's no offense to your father, Peyton, but I think it's my least favorite animal.

mole that I have here. Holy wugs aren't frogs. They look similar. That's all it is. Oh, yeah. I fucking hate frogs. All right. So I pull up the hat of vermin. I say, hat of vermin, one frog, please.

A frog sploots out right on your ear. I don't like sploots. Canary grabs a big old wheel on the front of the hatch and cranks it counterclockwise and like with all of her strength, like lurches it open and a puff of ancient, dusty, smelling, foul air comes out of the hatch and it's pretty dark in there, but you can see a staircase headed down. Henry casts speak with animals and speaks to the frog. And I say...

Hey, Mr. Frog? Mr. or Mrs. I don't want to... Frog? Yes? So, hey, we need you to go down this hatch and just, you know, come back real quick, okay? Yes. This is my frog whisper. Yes. Do you want me to go down or just come back? Yes.

Just real quick, just dip on in and then run back out after we... Henry, or Hen, rather. Guys, did you know his name's Hen? Just call me Hen. No, my name is Henry. He's like a chicken. Hen, Hen. My name is Hen, Ron. Okay. My name is Henry. My name is Henry. All right, Henry, I'm sorry. Will you tell the frog that if he sees the button, it's for...

Eight. Fifteen. Sixteen. Twenty-three. Forty-two?

42, I think. Are you just going out off the top of your dome? Yeah. Yeah, and then just click enter or whatever. Okay. Hey, I tell that to the frog because Henry did not see the show lost. So if you see anything for numbers, you know, those are the numbers. But just run on in and run back out, okay? All right, here I go. And he jumps on the first stair, jumps down onto it. The second its little paws, or paws? Flippers? Touch the first step. Frog paws. Immediately.

A gray beard begins to form on its mouth and wrinkles begin to form across the frog's back and it goes, oh, and it jumps back out and is like the beard is like way super long. And in the instant that it was there, it seems to have aged at least 50 years.

Wouldn't it like leap out of existence? Frogs live about 10 to 12 years. That's amazing. Not in Faerun. In Faerun, they grow beards. Yeah, they grow beards. That's true. They also don't grow beards. Henry turns to Rye and says, Ron, I think they're telling the truth about the hatch. Hey, Henry, let me sidebar you for a second over here. Yeah, what's up, Glenn? Yeah, it's just, um, mm.

Just sort of looking at this situation. Uh-huh. Losing consciousness, going to sleep. This just seems like a really dumb idea. Just saying. That's a really dumb idea. And I'm not doing it. I don't let no dentist put me down. I still got all four of my wisdom teeth, even though they said it was going to be a real problem. And it turns out, by the way, that it wasn't a problem. And maybe all of dentistry is a scam. I'm still working on that one. You know, God, do I have my wisdom teeth? I guess I must. I don't know.

I didn't, you know, I never thought about it, but then, yeah, I have all my wisdom teeth too. And now I'm like that, that may be, Oh my God. You know, I have a lot of gum problems, man. I gotta focus. I gotta focus. I gotta focus. Look, I get it. I'm not comfortable with this either, man, but this is kind of like my whole, this is like my whole existential. I gotta know what's in there, dude.

So, oh, jeez, though, you raise a really good point. Like, you know, I remember hearing that you're never supposed to go with a hippie to a second location. And I also feel like that probably involves, like, you know, going to sleep in a commune that you haven't spent the night in before. So... Ron's got, like, four of his fingers in his mouth, like...

I don't know if people, if you're wise, do you have wisdom teeth? And if you're not wise, does that mean you got them out and you're a dentist already? Right now, Henry has disadvantage on wisdom teeth, so. Okay, Glenn raises a really good point. Do we want to leave all of us unconscious here? Because here's what I'm thinking, like, who knows what's in that place, too? Like, how well can we trust these people? Like, there might be some crazy stuff in there. I don't want to go in there alone. That's really scary. You might be trapping your soul. Hey, Glenn.

While I'm out, you have my consent to see if I have wisdom teeth still. Okay, yeah, I'll check on that.

And if I still have my wisdom teeth, like, can I have my wisdom back that I lost when I looked at the poopy? I thought you were going to say, and if you do have wisdom teeth, you're going to let Glenn remove them while you're out. No, this is directed more to Anthony. Wouldn't it be funny if like we rolled something and then I had wisdom teeth, so I was really smart. Yeah, that is funny. Okay. All right, we'll do that. Because that's how wisdom teeth work.

Yeah, because otherwise you're gonna have to wait until you get all the way to York to fucking Swankery Hill to get your shit back. Yeah, okay, that's fine. Okay, cool. It's stupid. I'll give a coin flip as to whether or not them teeth are still in there. Okay, but like we can't do it now because I'm still waiting. No, that's the juicy cliffhanger that we're gonna leave this episode on is whether Ron still has his wisdom teeth.

Daryl walks over Canary and she's like, hey, so just real quick, like it's like we don't actually go in there, right? So like if we die in there, we don't actually die, correct? No, no, no, no. Only a homunculus goes in that you can remotely control by putting your consciousness into it momentarily. If you die down there in the homunculus, your body just gets your consciousness back. That said, your consciousness, once it goes into one of my homunculi,

Once it's died, it can't go back into a homunculi. It just develops an antidote to being back in my little mud men. So you only get one shot. It's a refractory period, if you will. Henry, this might be your only shot, man. I think at the very least we can't go in half cocked. You know what I mean? Like we got to, I'm there for you. Like we do this, like it's a risk to leave. You know, maybe we leave somebody here, but like I'm there for you, man. If this is what you want to do. Okay. No, I'm full cocked. I'm going in.

Okay, well, you guys can go in. I'll stay behind and guard the bodies. Don't call us bodies. That makes it feel like you've already given up on us, Glenn. Like, you're going to guard us. The unconscious people. All right, Glenn. There could be some stuff in there that I don't know if my beautiful boys are ready to see. Because I'm still trying to piece together what all happened, you know? And, you know, I want to have as strong a team in there as possible. So I'm going to go against my better judgment here and say that I'm...

It's really hard for me to say this right now, so just give me a second. Okay, all right. Glenn? Yes? You're in charge of my sons. Oh, all right. Give a little light thumbs up.

That was not reassuring at all to Henry. I look at Henry. I say, hey, Henry, when I was there with Glenn, I got to tell you, Glenn straight up did a great job. I like to look over at Glenn. I'm giving him a wink. It's like you got nothing to worry about. I didn't even have to parent at all. It was all Glenn, man. All right. I'm going to roll. I'm going to roll to see if I saw the wink. What would that be? That'd be perception. And then that's perception's wisdom, right? Yes.

I got a 15. Well, with 15, you actually see the wink. Okay, why are you winking though, Daryl? It feels like if that was a true statement, you wouldn't need to wink to Glenn about it. You know what? I can't. I put my hand on Henry's shoulder and look him dead in the eye and I say, Henry, don't worry about up here. They won't know I'm here. I'll be able to conduct some reconnaissance for when you guys come back and I will make sure to take care of your kids, Spark and Arrow. Ooh.

Much better names. Much better names. We're getting our tattoos changed. One promise is pretty good, but what's even better than one promise is multiple promises. Glenn, do you promise on your word as a dad that you will take care of my children and watch after them as if I don't want to say your own because, frankly, I mean, not to judge, but will you do a good job looking after them? Yes. Okay. I have your word. Canary. And I turn to Canary. Hello.

You seem like a really nice person. And you seem like someone that if you give your word, your word is bond. Do I sense that that's true? Is that true? Oh, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course. She does a pirouette. You give me your word that nothing bad will happen to anyone in this room while they're unconscious and that nothing bad will happen to my friends Roadman and Spark, I mean, the Lord of Chaos. That's a lot of names you threw at me, but no, of course, of course, I will be as fantastic a host as Bahri Oak himself is. You have nothing to fear.

Can I roll to think if I think she's lying? Yeah, roll insight. I got a 19. I don't know what my bonus is. With a 19, which is a pretty good roll, you can tell that as far as she knows, by her definition of what is good or bad, nothing bad will happen. Hmm, seems like a shaky technicality, but...

But in that moment, Daryl's like, I mean, she seems truthful. The only question I have is what do we do about the P-Man? Well, so. Get it? Because it works both ways. You see what I did there. What? The P-Man. What? The P-Man. P-Man. P-Man. P-Man. P-Man. The P-Man. Oh, P as in P-Man. Why does it work both ways? And also P as in urine. P-Man's coming in with us. I feel like this is a good way for Peyton to get out some fighting and aggression without being in physical harm.

This is great because, you know, this is kind of video games do that in our world. I think, you know, maybe Peyton would be a really good gamer. I feel like if Peyton was in our world, he'd be a gamer. That's what I think. But a really nice gamer who didn't do the bad gamer stuff. I really care about that mix of gaming journalism. That's canonically the kind of person I am. If Peyton was in the real world, he would think you are a cook. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Hayden, you know, in our world, we have, you guys have unfortunate foster children. We have these brothers that are super, and guess what they do? They smash stuff. And that's, you know, that could be like something that you're a part of anyway. Sounds like your son. Sounds like you just described Larkin Sparrow. Yeah, it does. That's true. They are super smash brothers. I love my, oh boy. All right. Which brings me to the last word. We've got two pretty shaky words for you.

from Glenn and Canary, both of whom seem semi-reliable. Lark? I mean, Lord of Chaos, may I have a moment's parlay with you? The Lord of Chaos speaking. I hate it when you guys do that. Okay. All right. Boys? Yes? Yes?

I have to go into this mystery hatch. While I'm down there, Glenn is in charge. Do I have your word that you will do what Glenn says? Your word upon your brother's life that you will listen to Glenn and that you will do what he says. As long as it doesn't sound too stupid because it's Glenn. You would use our love for each other against one another to get what you wish? That is brilliant, father!

Yes, I, Lord of Chaos Part 1, agree to do that thing. And I, Lord of Chaos Part 2, also agree to do that thing. All right, guys, that's...

four words that are all kind of shaky. But what I'm hoping here is to all add up to like one pretty good word that nothing bad is going to happen. So given all of that, it's time to go in. So as you resolve amongst yourselves that you're going to go down into this hatch, Canary's turned away from you fiddling with something. And when she turns back around, she's holding a rock and a chisel. And you can see that the rock is like a isodeca. It's got 20 sides on it.

And she goes, an icosahedron? Yes, it's an icosahedron. It's one of those, you fucker. And she goes, all right, guys, it's time. And she throws it at you to roll your characters. It's gonna be all right. It'll be all right. Cause that's just life. And if you die, you'll be all right. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right.

♪ ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is MC Henry Professor Oak. Remember, we got a track from the Rocks Rock EP right after this. Beth May plays Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong plays Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. A quick shout out to all of our fine Patreon supporters, but especially folks like Austin Has a Beard. That's one word. Logan Duquette.

Thank you all so much for supporting. By the way, the Rocks Rock podcast.

EP, the rap album we referenced as a joke in an episode. We made it into a reality. It's out. And by all accounts, it's actually pretty good. You can judge the level of quality we're talking about for yourself here in just a second. Two ways you can get this album. One, it's available on our store as a digital download at dungeonsanddaddies.com.

Or you can become a Patreon member and every level from five bucks a month on gets the album as well as all of our stretch goal content, our after show, our bonus content, our Discord live listeners. It's just so much stuff that you get on top of that. Listen, the choice is yours. I'm just saying two ways you can get it. Dungeonsanddaddies.com or become a Patreon member. Follow us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads. Our subreddit is reddit.com slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies. Our next episode is coming at you August 18th. So we will see you then.

There was a time when you didn't know they never brought you down.

Hello, everyone! Welcome to the San Dimas Museum of Natural History. SDMNH represents... My name's Henry Oak, and I'll be your guide today to the wonderful world of G to the E to the Ology. Now I know what you're thinking. Geology? Who wants to learn about boring old rocks? Well, did you know that rocks are actually super cool and interesting? Let me tell you all about it.

From the pebbles on the beach to the cobbles in the streets, every stone that you can see will teach you rocks, rocks. And if you want to learn the history of Earth from the present to our birth, you've got to study rocks. And if you're a great geologist, you'll learn we're hidden knowledges and get into good colleges because of rocks. And if you want to see the planet, then you've got to understand and know your geos from your granite. Now let's talk rocks. Rocks.

♪ Who can tell me what a rock is? ♪ ♪ No one, come on now, take a shot, kids ♪ ♪ Look it up in the dictionary ♪ ♪ And you'll find the definitions vary ♪ ♪ Nouns, any natural material ♪ ♪ Hard or soft with a distinctive mineral composition ♪ ♪ Now here's a question, what is a mineral? ♪ ♪ Glad you asked, it's a chemical compound ♪ ♪ Not a liquid or a gas, but a solid structure ♪ ♪ At room temperature that occurs in nature ♪ ♪ Like arsenic, ciderite, or alafen ♪ ♪ Or amethyst, or anathase, or antlerite ♪ ♪ Ooh, now that you're hip to the basics ♪ ♪ Professor Oak is gonna put you through the paces ♪ ♪ Pokemon reference, oh that robot ♪

That reminds me, there's a Pokestop at the gift shop behind me, so don't forget to get yourself a Geodude when you're stopping to get yourself a Geodude. Anyone? Because it's a reference to the video game Pokemon. Oh, here comes the chorus. From the pebbles on the beach to the cobbles in the streets, every stone that you can see will teach you rocks, rocks. And if you want to learn the history of Earth from the present to our birth, you've got to study rocks. And if you're a great geologist, you'll learn where hidden knowledge is and get into good colleges because rocks. And if you want to see the planet, then you've got to understand it. Know your geodes from your granite. Now let's talk rocks.

Rocks are a window through time. If you don't believe me, this will blow your mind. Hold the oldest rock you think, 100 years, a million. The Naboo Gita Greenstone Belt is 4.28 billion. That's old, even older than your mama. But like mama's DNA tells us, the saga that led to her birth rocks tell us the story of how the earth formed and all of its glory. How? Well, let's take the NGB. Get up in that greenstone and you'll see putative fossilized microorganisms found deep in the church. They support the supposition that life began at the bottom of the sea in geothermal vents even hotter than the street. ♪

From the pebbles on the beach to the cobbles in the streets, every stone that you can see will teach you rocks, rocks. And if you want to learn the history of Earth from the present to our birth, you've got to study rocks. And if you're a great geologist, get into good colleges because rocks. And if you want to see the planet, then you've got to understand it. Know your geos from your granite. Now let's talk rocks.

Earthquakes, landslides, volcanoes, oh my, learn about them all when you step on Inside Diamonds, rubies, if you like jewelry, we've got gems that'll get you drooling Dino fossils, so colossal, paralyze your hypoglossals You can't see them in this museum, once you hear the rules, don't make me repeat them One, no phones in the exhibit, leave it in a cubby and don't forget it Two, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, the features, teachers, staff and me Three, save the best for last, talk

and rocks is such a blast and geologies for everyone number three is have some fun watch just watch

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