Ep. 36 - Bowl Movement
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There's good throw the ball, catch the ball, run the ball with the field teams. There's great throw the ball, catch the ball, run the ball with the field teams. And then there's the doodlers. The doodlers. The doodlers. The doodlers. I've been beholding the supper bowl for 300 years and those fucking doodlers are the most disgraceful team I have ever seen. Love them or hate them, you've got to admit they change the game forever. 20 for 20.

So there I am, signing up four middle-aged dads for the Supper Bowl. Darrell Wilson, nice to meet ya. Glenn Close, special teams. Henry Oak, I believe I was the safety? Hi, I'm Ron. A moody teenager. I'm fine. And a homicidal eight-year-old. I am not a roll bottle. I get paid to brig the pain. I said to myself, this is going to be the quickest game in Supper Bowl history. And I was right. But not for the reasons I thought.

Second down, Doodlers in possession. Wilson moving along the outside. Here comes the snap and oh, Henry O just turned into a giant bird. Yeah, I just figured, hey, I can turn into a bird and like fly over them. So we did that and it worked great. And so we kept doing it and we won the game that way. After about 30 minutes of that druid fella flying a ball back and forth, the crowd really started to thin. It was the most boring summer bowl game I have ever beheld. An absolute disgrace. I'm just glad it's over. All I want is to take a nice hot eye bath and forget this ever happened.

They're playing again tomorrow? God fucking dammit! Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a true crime hybrid role-playing game podcast. Why did you start saying that? Yeah, I don't remember why it's true crime. I don't get the joke, but it makes me laugh, which is weird.

It's because everything we say on this podcast is audio crimes that will be persecuted for later on in our lives. So I'm just giving the fine folks, the prosecutors at The Hague, a little bit of help when they go and research through all this, when they finally put us all on trial. This is a podcast about four dads from our world, flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group.

This week's Glenn Facts, since we're kind of in a sporting mood, we're in the midst of football fever, Glenn, in high school, played football. Oh. And if I played football, you mean...

Sold weed to the quarterback of the football team. Nice. Weed and laser pointers were the two big money makers for Glennon High School. The cornerstone of any successful high school entrepreneur. You know, one he sold to the cool kids and the other one he sold to the cooler kids. I'll let you figure out which one's which, ladies and germs. True story. The quarterback at my high school got busted for smoking weed through his inhaler.

That was how he rigged up like he could put a joint in his inhaler. Kids don't do this. Hi, this is Will. This is Will Campos, aficionado of kids not smoking weed. Don't do this. But this did happen. But he did get caught. So that should be a lesson to you. Yeah, but he had it in his inhaler and it was like it went around. I don't understand how that even works. Was he lighting it and then just like, I don't know, man. I didn't know how weed works. For all I know, this was a total lie that someone passed off on me. Well, was there still like albuterol?

in it because like i feel like that could fuck you up like if you're like a weed uterol i'm begging our audience to not do this without us don't do this the second it came out of my mouth hi please don't smoke weed through your inhaler um i was like this makes no sense for the reasons you bring up freddie like it would like there would be sweet smoke pouring out of his inhaler

I think you were lied to, dude. I think I was bamboozled. I think that's what happened. Maybe, you know what? Here's what it must have been. Your mom told you that, didn't she? No. She was like, are you sure that friend with inhalers? I think maybe it was like he hit his joint in the inhaler. That makes more sense. That makes more sense. Maybe he didn't smoke it through the inhaler.

Because I'm like, did he just invent like vape before vapes happen? Like who is this fucking Elon Musk quarterback that you had that's going to make billions of dollars? My name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms.

Speaking of the sticky icky and the good, good green, simple dad fact for Daryl. His favorite Sesame Street character is Cookie Monster. That's it. Yeah. Just pulling out there. What? Grants is Grover. What does that have to do with weed? Nothing. Poor green. Cookie Monster.

Cookie Monster's blue. Cookie Monster loves to eat the munchies. He's got the munchies. He's on high on weed. Oh, okay. Look, what I've learned from my many years of podcast slash radio is as long as you act like it's a smooth transition, it feels like a smooth transition. So it doesn't actually matter. You know, it's a question in their minds. Like, oh, what does this have to do about weed? And then nothing. But they're there. Matt, why is that his favorite? Because he likes cookies.

It's also Matt's favorite in watching Sesame. He's such a complex character, such a portrait. But Grant likes Grover, which always annoyed Daryl because Grover's just dumb cookie monster. He's just also a blue puppet that's not as big and doesn't eat cookies, so he doesn't get... Grover is just dumb cookie monster. Grover.

Grover's like indie cookie monster. I don't get it. I don't get it. If you like the blue puppet, like, like the big one that eats all the cookies. Like, why do you like Grover? Grover's the one that shakes their hand with like the secretary of state and stuff. That's boring. You don't understand Grover. Grover is,

Daryl doesn't. That's for sure. No, neither of you. Clearly, if you would even insinuate that Grover is a lesser puppet than Cookie Monster, I can't. I'm not on board with that. Well, I believe Grover is actually played by Frank Oz. Like, no, Grover is like one of the best performances. He's Frank Oz literally portrayed him as like his puppet for a long time. So but, you know, that's not Daryl doesn't care about the behind the scenes. He's like, I don't get it. You think maybe Daryl is just mad that Grant doesn't like the puppet that reminds him of himself?

Do you think that's maybe what it is? Yep. Daryl definitely will get it. Daryl definitely sees himself in cookie monster and it's like, Oh, my son doesn't like the me puppet. This hurts me deep down. That is so crazy codependent. That's nuts. I mean, he doesn't read it. Also Grant's favorite puppet is not Grover. It's actually a snuffy, but he didn't want to come off as a downer when, when Daryl asked him. So he's like, uh, uh, uh, Grover. Uh,

It sounds like Daryl is a puppet of his own emotions here. Wow. Well, see, there was a complex character backstory there. We teased it. A lot to do with weed, baby. All right. Not in the room. Hey, everyone. My name's Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, hippie, crunchy, munchy, Birkenstock, rocket, granola, druid, nature, druid, hippie dad of the dads. And my Henry father...

fact this week is that Henry smells amazing right now because he finally took a bath and he realizes that he smells good. I think usually like Henry's approach to bathing is just like when it happens, it happens, right? Like, you know, like he goes through his life and manages to, in his opinion, bathe enough, but he definitely has not been bathing that much since getting to the Forgotten Realm. So he got a funk going and he's

I was also thinking that like Henry felt really good after the match. So he decided to treat himself to a little like whatever the Forgotten Realm shampoo is. And so he like he put some goop in his hair and finally washed that tangly mane of blonde hair out. And his hair is like just like this. I feel like it's like mega poofed out in this episode. I just want to say that Henry's hair is like bright yellow, the color of the sun. And it is just the frizziest ball of hair you've ever seen in your life.

that's where he probably didn't realize it was blonde before he thought he was dirty blonde and no he's just platinum blonde under there but he dirty i feel like the forgotten realms shampoo are just like a bunch of frogs that are hopping around the showers and you just pick them up and like rub their secretion off on your hand and then rub it in your hair that's exactly what it was and the frog smelled like eucalyptus and yeah his scalp is all tingling and it may have been poisonous

Speaking of poisonous. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. So today's dad fact is a fact of clarification. Just want to say that Ron did not murder his father. I mean, I don't know. Maybe I'm ruining the podcast by saying that. But yeah, like I just.

There's reasonable doubt that he didn't. Maybe. Yeah. There's like needs to be a true crime documentary spinoff if Freddie is so desperate to turn this into a true crime. He didn't intentionally kill Willie. We need the staircase for Ron versus Willie Stampler.

I like that your fact was just to put a point on it. That's like you did not murder. And all we did was just confuse everybody and make jokes about how maybe he still did murder. So we undid everything you tried to do. I feel like I just I. From your perspective, then what exactly happened? I think that it might come up. So I'm going to keep that. She said as a way to excuse herself from improv. Ronson.

Ron's going to start walking and his limp is going to disappear. It's like J.J. Abrams saying that fucking Benedict Cumberbatch isn't Khan, right? He's not Khan. He's a totally new character. Yeah, he was Khan. You guys figured it out, but...

But I still think you're stupid, so I was just going to say it. You did it. You opened my mystery box and found the fucking secrets therein. That kept happening for a while. Do you remember when Christopher Nolan got caught with that with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and fucking Talia in the same movie? Is she Talia? He's like, no, shut up. Is he Robin? Is he Robin? Like,

fuck you. He's not robbing you idiots. Shut up. I was like, oh shit. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. The dad fact for this week is that Joffrey from Game of Thrones is in Batman Begins. That's right. Wait, what? Really? He's Commissioner Gordon's kid. Oh.

What? Before I knew that this was Joffrey's actor, whose name I don't know, I'm sorry. It was my sister and I's favorite part of the entire fucking movie. In the third act, when everything's going crazy and there's fear, toxin everywhere, this kid's like, I can't find my dad, to like a cop-looking person. And the cop is actually one of Ra's al Ghul's goons. And he just grabs the kid in the face and just shoves him really hard. And then Katie Holmes is like, hey! And then the guy just points at her silently and Katie Holmes shuts up and it's like weirdly aggressive and like nonsensical.

But if you go back and watch that scene, that little kid that's like, man, is Joffrey. That sounds like a good thing to watch with that gladiator scene, the horse scene. It's like a good double feature. It's a good double feature. It's an apparent T for watching a child get trampled. Why are you guys watching these two movies? How does this double feature work? Well, you see in both movies, the kid gets fucking block rocked. They're both three hours long. We're both watching them for 130 seconds where a child gets hurt.

Last episode, you all went to the town of Balls Deep where they run a bi-weekly supper bowl where the best team that plays catch the ball, throw the ball, run the ball across the field gets a prize of either cash money or a magical bowl that nobody ever actually takes because it's basically worthless. You showed up, you had a bunch of soda, you met a problematic female character. This podcast is so stupid. I'm not going to do this.

I'm about to walk away. It's a very bad podcast. You guys are in balls deep. You're on a supper bowl. You guys had soda. Okay, keep going. I'm like losing my mind here. Okay.

If this is someone's first episode, we've lost them. Like, this is not a good first episode. Honestly, nobody should ever listen to this podcast. Yeah, and then you played some football, immediately invalidated the entire game of football by having Henry turn into a bird and fly the ball into the end zone over and over. And then as you were celebrating... Henry took a bath.

Henry took a bath. Grant went out and talked to Ye Bigly, the quarterback of the opposing team that you're going to fight this week, the Hotties, and had a little conversation with him. And it went great. As far as I know, it was terrific. I still haven't heard it. Only Ron heard it. And in real life, only Beth and Anthony and Freddie have heard it. And Will read some passing spoilers about it on Tumblr. No, okay. On Tumblr. I didn't go to Tumblr.

What are you doing on Tumblr, Will? I'm checking up on my show, Freddie. What the fuck do you think I'm doing? Speaking of Tumblr, baby, I don't know where this started, but baby, it's a hot Glenn summer. I'm loving all of them. Hot Glenn. Yeah, hot Glenn's taking over hot Daryl for sure. There's a lot more hot Glenn. I should just say that. None at all. Glenn is just dad bod. Just hard dad bod. Everyone's putting him with the fucking cum gutters and shit. V for Vendaddy. V for Vendaddy.

All right. And basically, as you... Daddy! It works because he's just explaining things like a dad, but aggressively. So everybody went to sleep. Long rest, several long rests. Everybody long rested. You get all your health and all your spell slots back and everything like that. But then when you went to sleep... Do we level up? Nope. Did Henry level up for doing a good job in the football game? Uh-huh.

And everybody went to sleep. Your sleep was interrupted by the familiar visage of Willie Stampler, who has appeared in your dreams and said, how about a dad huddle? Oh, shit. That's right. I forgot. That's right. I forgot about that ending. Oh, man. What a twist. I'm back in the moment. Hey, fuck you, buddy. Dad huddles are thing. Yeah, we have a trademark on this. Yeah. Get out of here, Willie. We don't know who you are now. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Glenn, do that poop thing again. Show me your butthole, Glenn. Get this guy out of here.

You keep showing the butthole as if that's dunking on me. I don't care. It feels like it's more dunking on you to show me your butthole. I'm embarrassed on your behalf. Well, you're a butthole, so it's just a face-to-face meeting. Well done, well done. So, I just want to give you guys a quick update. I grab my cheeks and talk as if, like, Ace Ventura's talking. How do you like this? Huh? How's this going? Huh? Look at me, I'm Willy Shambler. I'm a Willy. Willy, Willy, Willy. Ha ha ha!

Hey, sorry guys that you had to see that. Willie starts laughing. Like he's genuinely a little bit delighted by that. But he says, you're doing pretty good. I feel like you're headed for the best case scenario for any dad. We all know what the best case scenario for any dad is. But what do you mean by that? That's a weird thing to say. No, no, no. He wants you to ask that, Daryl. We don't care what you think being the best dad is, sir. Because you are a bad dad. It seems like you were really mean to Ron. And that sucks. And you should apologize to him, you jerk.

Done? You'll figure out what the best case scenario is. I heard you're playing football. You running any fun plays? Doing a pass fake? I love a good pass fake. No. You don't know football. What's a pass fake? It's where you pretend like you're going to pass, but you do a run. I'm not an idiot. A fake pass? You can write that one down. You can use that one. It'll be useful for you. Anyway, I'm not here to make a deal with you. I'm not here to do the negotiation thing like I did before. I know we're well, well, well past that. I just wanted to ask you just a quick question. If

You know, no. I mean... No, no. No, we don't. No, we don't. We don't care, you know? No. What about Peyton? What about Peyton? Daryl... Who do you think gave him that Charleston shoe? And as he says that, Daryl...

In your stomach, you feel an intense pain. What? What? Like a fist is inside of your stomach and it just grabs you from the inside and just clenches as hard as it can. And you feel your insides being torn up and you wake up and the pain doesn't go away. It's like the worst indigestion you've ever had times 10.

And all of you spring awake by the sound of Daryl screaming. I was about to do what I normally do with food poisoning, which is quietly go to the bathroom so nobody can hear me and then go ahead and pinwheel in the bathtub from all my orifices. So that's what I was about to do right now. But I guess everybody wakes up at the same time. Yeah, I suppose so. I want you to roll constitution. Roll stealth. No, no problem. Just ate something. Big deal. Roll constitution. I get plus six.

Okay. So let me just do my math here. Plus six on a two. Carry the one. That's an eight. Okay. So you start vomiting blood. Oh my God. Daryl. Oh God. Oh, this is the chew. What?

Will he poison me? One second, and I cast Lesser Restoration on Daryl. Okay, what does that do? You touch a creature and end either one disease or one condition afflicting it. The condition can be blinded, deafened, paralyzed, or poisoned. So I think this would count as poisoned.

So I'm going to try to cure his poison. You can try to use it. Yeah, you'll have to spend the spell slot and everything, but it doesn't work. If you want to roll Arcana, maybe you'll know why. Can we do a one shot that's just like house MD in the D&D universe and all this guy does is just, I cast cure wounds. And he just goes around and that's all he fucking does. Oh my gosh.

He brings out the fucking big, the white poster board and he just writes Cure Wounds on it with a question mark. Oh my God, that's so good. And he's gotta be such a toxic fucking asshole and everyone's too stupid to realize that he should cast Cure Wounds. And everybody comes up like,

House, you can't just cure wounds on whatever sick patient comes into the clinic. Well, yeah, I can. You know what, Dr. House? Why don't you cure the wounds on your own heart? Doesn't seem like your spells reach that deep. And then they have sex. Yeah. Nice. Okay, Arcana roll, you said? Yeah. I think I can use whatever spell I need to to cure any wounds, so. I am an American person with an American accent. I'm an American. They're all like, vomit some more blood. He's like, guys, this is all really funny, but...

Hey, Glenn, knock me out. What? Make me go back to sleep. Put me back to sleep. I always knew candy was going to kill me. Ron, I need you to put your head down between your legs and like hyperventilate. Okay. And then stand up really fast.

Okay. And then Glenn does that thing that like some kids did like my grade school, which was stopped by the administration where people hyperventilated and then they stood up and then like you pinch their like arteries for like 10 seconds and they pass out. Yep. Okay. So do I pass out? I feel like, yeah, because you're doing that consensually. You don't have to roll for anything. So yeah, you pass out and you're once again back with Will and he goes, oh, okay. So you're, you're back.

What's up? I figured, well, maybe I was the one you really wanted to talk to, and now there's nobody else here, so it's just you and me, so you could tell me what you did to Daryl. Yeah, no, I would love to... Oh, no, the connection. It's so bad. It's so fuzzy. I can't even... I can't see... Hey, hey, hey. If somebody who has made several phone calls... I've made several phone calls here, and there was no connection issue, and I know that you're here, and I'm...

Hello? Hello? He's like frozen in place for a second, like a connection that got lost on a Zoom call. And then he just sort of disappears. And you're just alone in the darkness. It's just black text and white letters that just say reconnecting. Yeah. Zoom jokes. But yeah, no, he's gone.

Okay. And you wake back up. Run, run. God, what did he say? What did he say? He said, get well soon. He said, he didn't say anything, Daryl. This is it. I'm going to die, guys. No, you're not going to die. Don't wake up Grant. Don't wake up Grant. Just tell him I love him. I'm going to just, I crawl in the corner. I say, just don't, don't watch me. Don't look at me as I die. Daryl, you're not going to die, man. You got to be strong, okay?

So as you say, don't wake up Grant, you turn and you notice that Grant and Peyton are standing there just looking at you and Peyton's going, oh no, did I do, I didn't mean to do it. I

it. I'm so sorry. And Grant's looking at you like, are you okay? And he's like kind of panicked coming up to you and trying to dab the blood off of your chest. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. I kind of put myself up. I'm like, boys, you got to give him some space. Just give us some room, okay? Give us some air. I'm a druid. I can handle this. Yeah. I just spilled some Kool-Aid. I'm totally fine, guys. And then I just tip over and I start vomiting more. I'm fine. I am going to try to cast Cure Wounds on Daryl.

Okay. I'm like, which spell slot do I want to burn on saving this man? I'm going to cast... That's the primary drama of House. It's like he has only so many... Damn it, Doc, you've only got three third-level spells left. And it's the first act, and I've already used two of them. This Thursday on Fox, House only has three spell slots, but four patients need his help. House forgets what V stands for as far as spell components go, and he can't do it. Oh...

Because Henry's really concerned, I cast my third level Cure Wounds on Daryl. It's a 3d8 plus 3. Did you give me an Arcana roll? I did. I got a 10, so I figured that didn't cut the dice. You cast Cure Wounds and the blood stops spewing out of Daryl for a second. I did it. He's okay. Oh, what a relief. I still feel terrible, but I'm not spewing. It feels good. It's okay, Grant. Your dad just ate something bad. Are you sure? I'm all right.

I mean, it looked very bad. It felt bad. I mean, you see, look at all the blood. If you remember, Daryl doesn't like blood. And I get woozy and I just sit down on the bed. I put my head between my legs. Oh, God. I'm patting Daryl on the back. It's okay, man. Just take a second, all right? Hayden, where did you get that Charleston shoe? I just sort of had it in my pocket. I just sort of remembered, like,

I had this feeling like, oh, Daryl would like this. Like when I gave it to him, you know, several episodes back, I, I, I just sort of, as far as I can remember, I always had it in my pocket and I never felt like the right time to eat it, even though it looked delicious. I'm glad you didn't need it, man. Cause Daryl's a big dude and this still messed him up. So like when I was, when I was six years old, I ate too many of my, of my aunt's peanut butter cups and I threw up all peanut butter all Christmas and I couldn't eat peanut butter for like, for like 20 years.

Your dad? Yep. He fucking ruined Charleston Chews for me, man. This is it. Oh, no! I can't. I don't. It's so. I fucking hate your dad. I hate your dad so fucking much. My favorite candy. I can't get the taste out of my mouth. I just start spitting. Oh, God. Oh, God.

So Grant's looking at you with like this horror he's never seen you in this situation before. You hear a knock on the locker room door and the door opens and you just see the bottom half of an eye and a big mouth and it's the beholder. I don't know why that got me. That's so fucking funny to me. Wake up turds. It's about time for kickoff. Y'all ready? You ready? You good? We need a sports medicine doctor in here. You could be a little bit more respectful.

The freaking star team calling us turds. You're a turd. I mean, you're definitely not the favorite. Hey, Daryl, save it for the field, buddy. We've got a sick player. We've had sort of like an eldritch candy emergency, and we're going to need just like a couple of minutes to deal with the situation, then we'll be right out. Do you have a medical degree, beholder? No, I don't. Why would I? I don't know. You got a bunch of eyes...

So he respects you enough to think maybe you have a medical degree. Why are you acting like that's an insult? Be on the field in five minutes, you turds. We need a doctor. We need a doctor. Send us a sports doctor. We don't have sports doctors. You should have one on your team. Every team should have a cleric. You said that there was all kinds of potions. Potions, that's right. There was

There's potions. Wait, I run over and I run to the sports drink section that they talked about that we could drink to hydrate up and heal ourselves at halftime. You said that last time. Yes. What are the sports drinks? I want some brands of sports drinks. Okay. So one of them is haterade and it increases your damage output for the next half. Ooh.

One of them is Gatorade, but it's A-I-D and it's just a healing potion. All right, I run back with Gatorade and I bring it to Daryl. I'm like, Daryl, chug this. This should make you feel a little bit better. Yeah, electrolytes. Do they have a PD light? This one's red. I don't know what flavor red is, but it's red.

All right, I drink it. Okay, so as you pour it into your mouth, the liquid sloshes into your mouth and then sort of solidifies into the shape of a small alligator. And it's like tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, like runs down your throat, squirming around. It's a living. And then...

It gets into your stomach and you hear, I guess the rest of you hear from Daryl's mouth, you hear an alligator's voice going, oh shit, what the fuck? And then you hear a loud slam and then a splash and you feel like whatever this gator aid creature was that was inside you has discombobulated into liquid. A stern look comes over Henry's face and he says, this foe is beyond any of you. This will require the power of herbal nature tea.

And so Henry is going to use his nature skill to brew up a gut cleansing, hardcore nature brew tea. And he's getting, he's like, Daryl, this is the tea I use when I've accidentally had something with meat in it and it fucks up my digestion for a week. This shit will fucking cleanse out the surliest butt and gut system of the gnarliest human being alive. I promise you some, I don't like that.

We're going to take that Charleston chew and we're going to fucking destroy it, my friend. Gut health, man. Gut health is important. Get up, Henry. I'm good. Sorry. Let's do it. Okay, so I got a 16. So basically, I scour strange little bits of grass from outside. I use like a little bit of the runoff from Henry's bathwater. There's like a mushroom growing in one of the showers and I scrape that off. I've got a couple loose tea leaves that have been in my pocket the entire time. I thought you said loose teeth.

Some loose teeth? Oh yeah, I find a couple loose teeth, I throw them in there, and then I burn it under a super intense flame, and then like a pungent, frothy brew comes burbling out, and I give it to Daryl, and I just say, plug your nose and drink this, man. Give me a constitution saving throw, Daryl, as you drink Henry's secret stuff.

12 plus 6, so 18. You feel as basically a Dragon Ball Z fight is happening within your gut of the like holistic, herbal, crunchy, munchy nature of the herbal tea that Henry has just poured down your throat. I don't know why, but in my mind, he swished around his mouth and then spat into your mouth like a baby bird. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.

I'm not saying that's what happened. I'm just saying that's what I think happened. That's my AU. I've been picturing the whole time the scene in Army of Darkness where that tiny Ash crawls into Ash's mouth and he like pours the scalding hot water down his throat. Yeah, it's basically fighting whatever the hell this creature inside of you is. And you feel slowly that Henry's herbal tea is actually winning and it's pushing the creature further and further down your digestive tract. Sounds like a political discussion at the dinner table. Am I right, fellas? Yes.

I put my ear up to Daryl's tummy and I hear it rumbling and I go, he's going to blow clear the room. And then I start rushing Daryl to the, to whatever the forgotten realms toilet is. This is our chance, by the way, it's only the chance we're going to have. I think this whole campaign, we could try and figure out a way to shrink ourselves down and have an inner space episode. It's like a one shot. Oh no.

Our time shall come again. I don't know if we're ever going to feel like, could you imagine the derail? People would be livid. It'd be like, all right, here comes part two of the football thing. Can't wait to see what they do with Grant's trauma. And then it's just like the entire episode is spent inside Daryl's butt.

Okay. So what happens? I mean, it seems like I don't have agency here. So what happens to my body? It's up to you. Like, do you want to let it out or do you want to hold it or do you have a choice? I mean, if it's coming out, yeah, I guess I, I mean, if it's anything like food poisoning, what you're describing, it feels like it's just coming out. So blue. Yeah, no, it's, it's not great. I want to off screen the majority of it.

But like before you run into a stall. So here's what happens is me and Daryl run into the bathroom and then it's like in a movie when a woman's giving birth and they just cut. It's just Glenn and Ron like pacing around outside wiping their brows and like I shout out like we need hot water and then I run back in and then like about two hours later I come out and I'm just like. We just missed our game because we had to be on the field with Paul.

Yeah, the beholder comes back and is like, you guys forfeit. It's like the scene in Bridesmaid, but instead of being cowards and hiding it under the dress, I just trip and my butt is in midair and I just fountain all my pee. I don't like that. You said you wanted to have it off screen, but you all kept talking, so that's what happens now. I trip on my face.

And I let it all out. Oh, no. Well, you're wearing your pants at the time, so... Yeah, I'm desperately trying to pull my pants off and I start crying. I'm like, oh, God. I'm trying to pull my pants off. So, Grant... Like, your face is below the bottom door of the stall.

So you're like actually visible as you're crying and in all this pain. And Grant's like, dad, are you okay? Like genuine concern in his voice. And he's like reaching out to like grab your hand. He's like, dad, dad. Don't touch anything. Please look away. I love you too much. Please look away. You don't want to see this. God, don't see this. No, it's okay. I'm here.

This is... Nobody... Your mom, nobody should see this. Oh, God. I'm, like, still trying to pull my pants down, but it's just too late. It's just, like, a big... It's just a big, soggy bag, and I'm just crawled up. No! I said I wanted to bust into your screen! God! God!

Oh, God. It's a podcast, Anthony. There is no screen. No! So do we have like an understudy or something that we can put out on the field while this is going on? I mean, I feel like I'm worth two players, but...

I'm also not a bird. You guys play without me. Just all look away. I'm just going to go. That's okay. I'm going to go clean up. I just take all my clothes off and I just start walking towards the shower, which is canonically the way that Matt loves to go to the bathroom. Yeah. Ah,

Just don't look at me. Can I just go to myself? Do I feel better? Yeah. Yeah. You do that at work. But what I shudder to even consider asking this question. But did whatever was inside come out? And is it a thing? Is it a beast? What manner of magic? Is it like dream catcher? I mean, we're going full on Cthulhu with this thing. If you look, you are going to take some untake backable sanity damage.

I'm screaming at nobody to look. I'm like, don't look. I'm like, dear God, don't look, please. I don't know what the geography is, but I feel like the beholders come in to check on us and I'm just walking past them like completely naked and covered in my own filth. I'm just like, you're going to clean up back there. I just keep walking towards the shower. You know what's great about this episode? This episode is a great way to just wipe the Internet clean of all fan art forever from this show because everyone's done now.

Right? And no one's going to fucking touch this show anymore. Okay, so the beholder comes back and he goes, are you guys done with your stupid stick? Come out. It's time. We're playing your song. I come out with a towel wrapped around myself. I'm like, all right, guys, nothing happened. We're good to go. Wait, are you wearing a jersey? Well, I have to go to the locker to get my jersey. His jersey says number two on it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Anton Chekhov spinning in his grave. I put my jersey on and I, Hey, beholder man, you got any, where can I get extra pants? I lost mine. Hey, Daryl, welcome to the club, my man. We have spare pants, obviously. Do you want some? Yes. Okay. So we're waiting for the pants. Sure. Okay. I can't put my legs up. I can't get in that talking crouch. I'm just like, hopefully I'll get those pants. So, uh,

Hey, guys, thanks a lot. Sorry, I felt sick back there. Hey, Grant, how'd the date go last night? We got some time. I just want to see what's going on.

I feel like there are more important things. Let's talk about it later. All right, man. I just, you know, I got no pants on. Waiting for pants. No, I'm aware. I'm, yes. No. No, no, no. It's fine. I'm fine. Well, hey, gang. Today's a new day. We got some more sports stuff to do today to figure out this dang anchor thing so we can go home. Let's play this dang game, all right? Hands in the middle. Doodlers. Three, two, one. Doodlers. Doodlers. Doodlers.

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Okay. I'm gonna watch you do it. Go. I put pants on. As everyone's going out, Henry says, oh shit, I forgot my jockstrap. One second, guys. And I turn back in the room. Okay. A look of steely resolve falls on Henry's face as he looks at the bathroom stall. Oh.

And he plugs his nose. And he steals his nerves. And he enters. Because someone must face this darkness. This is vital insight into our mortal enemy. That's a good point. Henry is going to look at the weird Charleston Chew demon that Daryl pooped out. Okay, so give me a wisdom saving throw with disadvantage. Okay. Sure.

Should have used my inspiration here. Too bad for that. Hey, Anthony, will the bestial janitors have to roll wisdom? Yes. You've ruined the entire janitorial system of this city. I think it's tough to blame me for what happened. I got an 11. Ooh, okay. So an 11 is not going to do it. Oh, no. So I'm trying to think what's a good punishment. Hmm. Henry, what you see in there defies tradition.

Description. Beggar's belief.

And yet in some way it is ever so slightly, and this is the worst part, ever so slightly familiar to you. Oh, what? Yeah, we've all had food poisoning before, guys. There's something you recognize in- Is it corn? Oh, no. In the horror that you face, in a horror that seems to completely fail to make any sense and shape that your brain could comprehend that will stick with you forever.

Probably for as long as you live. So from now on, anytime you want to make a nature check or a wisdom check or anything that involves looking beyond the veil of the material world, you're going to do so at disadvantage because you know that in the veil beyond this world, there lie horrors much like the thing that you've just described. Forever? Forever. Oh my God. Wait, that's what he saw? That's what he saw in my business? Forever?

Yeah. Okay. Henry, I guess, just backs away and closes the door and says, somebody light a match. No, I don't say that. Do not go in there. Outside, there's like two Kenku who are about to like janitorial staff going, hey, excuse me. To the Kenku, I tear off two strips of cloth and I say, shield your eyes. And then I walk away.

Great. You come out onto the field, and the beholder goes up to his usual spot above the field. How's attendance today? Attendance today is very bad because of the bird debacle. Yeah, there's a paper banner that somebody's holding that's basically blank that, like, two little goblins are holding if you want to run through that. I want to roll to run through the banner. Okay. Roll next area to see if you'd be the first one through because Peyton's also booking it. Oh, yeah, good point. Ten total.

I got a 19. Oh my God. Okay. Well, Ron definitely goes through the banner first. High speed, low drag. Yeah. So the beholder says, And so challenging is the doodlers. You can clap for them or whatever. And no turning into a bird this time. That's boring. I don't want that anymore. Wait, he said there's no rules.

Yeah, but I'm making a rule that says I don't want you can do it, but you won't like what happens after that. OK, so just to clarify, though, no turning into a bird, no turning into a flying thing that then takes the thing into the end zone by flying. What do you say? Shut up, Darryl. Shut up. Shut up. Stop asking him to clarify. The more you ask him to clarify, the harder it's going to be to work our way around it. OK, we won't do anything that's flying. Stop begging you to stop. What?

Why are you saying flying without like, why are you like winking and sort of nodding at everybody else when you say flying? I don't like that. That's my favorite part about football games is when the players on the field take a second to talk to John Madden. They have a full conversation right before the fucking kickoff. And also the people you actually enjoy watching, the hotties. And then you see Yeet Bigley and Kilo DeMalle run out and they are followed by the rest of the team, which you had not seen previously, which are a dog that's completely on fire,

A very large purple spider, a giant shark with a helmet that is filled with water, and then a flaming skull that's just kind of floating about three feet off the ground. He's flying, he's flying, he's flying. He's floating, he's floating three feet off the ground. Hey, flame skull, go as high as you can go. Flame skull. And he goes, at once, sir. And he goes, eh, eh.

And he can only get about four feet high. He goes, this is as high as I go. I don't know why you were making me do this in front of all these people. It's embarrassing. Oh, flame skull. Hey, Henry, looks like floating's okay, though. Huh? Just so I'm out there, floating's okay. Sure, whatever you say, man. Sorry. Henry's like got a thousand yards to air still from his curious case of the poop in the bathroom. Daryl, why don't you roll Perception?

Okay, that is a natural 20. Wow, okay. So you can tell as Yeet comes out, Grant looks at Yeet and their eyes actually meet for a second. And then Grant gets super red and embarrassed. And Yeet kind of just grimaces and looks away really quickly. I walk over to Ron and I whisper and I go, Ron, you saw what happened last night, right? Yeah, I did. I was actually at the vending machine and I got you a little something, buddy. Something I think you might like.

And Ron pulls from somewhere, somewhere on his person, a big king size thing of Charleston shoes. Oh God, no. Roll constitution with disadvantage, Daryl. Yeah.

You didn't think I'd remember, did you, buddy? Ron, put that away. I'm a growing person. I'm learning and I'm appreciating my friends more. And I'm taking things in and remembering what you like. He's like waving in front of me as he says. Henry Rogers. I was like, Ron, that's so awesome that you remembered that. I did. I remembered. There are so many things that I didn't remember, but I remembered that Daryl likes Charleston shoes. And last night I was at a vending machine and I was listening to a conversation that I shouldn't have been listening to.

And now here we are. Hey, what happened with that? And as I'm doing, I'm slowly taking the Charleston shoes and like hiding them from Daryl. Like I'm just kind of positioning Ron like so that Daryl doesn't have to look at them. Like what happened with that? Grant was super weird when you came up. I got 15, by the way, really quick. 15. Okay. So you managed to keep it down. You don't need to tell me everything. Just I just need to know, did the yeet hurt Grant? No. If so, I'm going to, I'm going to unleash. I mean, I know he's a kid, but like this is football. I'm just saying. I'm going to tackle this child.

Did something happen? I just want, you know, you don't tell me the details. This baby. No, nothing. I just got by between them. I sure look like it might, you know, I'm just, maybe I misread as one. No, no, no, no, no, no fight. No fight between them. Okay. He didn't hurt Grant. He was there, there for Grant. He was, uh, Oh man, I'm going to feel bad about tackling the kid. Now. Don't feel, don't feel bad about tackling him. What happened? How was he there for Grant? Like was Grant upset about something?

I don't know, maybe not upset, but maybe not upset either. Or maybe not... This is a weird place to talk about this. No, Ron, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. I just wanted... I was just getting a little pumped up. And if I'm hearing you correct, something...

Something's wrong. Yeah. Okay. It feels like I should probably ask Grant, though. I'm beginning to think that maybe if my fellow dad told me and then I went to Grant saying I heard it because when the dad spied on him, maybe he'd be upset. Okay. So I'm going to walk over to Grant. I'm going to tap him on the shoulder and ask him. I'm going to say. So, I mean, I noticed something happened between you and eat there.

He just begins to wave you away. It's like, let's fucking play ball. Let's go. Let's do this. Come on. Come on. And he looks up at the beholder. He's like, let's do this. Come on. Ready for some football. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it. Come on. Fuck it. I look him in the eye. I go, Grant, I know something's bothering you. I know you don't want to hear right now. I don't want to embarrass you in front of everybody. But after this game, I want to talk. Okay? Cool. Great. Yeah. Let's fucking play some balls. Okay. Thank you, guys. Let's do this. Okay. Sorry. Grant laughs. That's the thing that happens.

Okay. So I'm going to toss a coin to see who goes first. We have to call it. Don't we actually call it in the hat? Yeah. I forgot how football works. Call it in the air. Heads or tails. Perception. Check it in the air. Ha ha ha.

That's dope. Okay, give me a perception check. Eye perception check in the air as it's flipping in slow motion. Glenn's eyes, his hot eyes narrow as he flicks back his hair. And he looks over and he sees... His each eye like a different Hemsworth brother. A 15. Oh my goodness. 15 perception check. Okay, with a 15, you can tell that it is going to land heads. I go, heads. Heads.

In the sexiest voice you can muster. Okay, so Lance Head. So do you want to receive or do you want to kick off? I turned to you guys. Sorry, I just sold weed to the quarterbacks. What are we doing, guys? Daryl, what are we supposed to do? I did my part. Special teams. Woo! Woo!

Oh, we should definitely receive. Get the momentum. Receive, yeah. Receive, please. Payton, you take the left. Grant, you take the right. All of us adults make a flying V for whoever catches it. And then we cast a bunch of stuff on one of the kids, right? Yeah, who wants stone skin? Stone skin for you. And I give Payton a friendly pat on the shoulder. Grant says not me. Don't do it. Okay, I'm going to go ahead and give you a pass without trace, though, Grant, because it seems like you want to be left alone right now. So I cast a pass.

So the hotties are going to kick off and the ball lands around the 30 yard line. So I'm going to roll to see who gets it, Grant or Peyton. Ooh,

Oh, OK, so it's a natural 20. So you guys get to decide who you want to have it. I mean, let's give it to Grant because it sounds more interesting, I guess. We don't ever play strategically. Grant gets the ball and he starts running. So who's going to be directly in front of him in this flying V? I'm the top of the V. You are the top. Nice. As a line of the other players comes at you, Killa Damal, she runs at you and it looks like this relatively small girl is about to tackle you.

And then as she gets right up next to you, her body goes incorporeal. And once she's behind you, Grant can see she resumes her corporeal form and dives to tackle him. Can I try to respond to like when she disappears? Yeah, you can do whatever you want to do as a reaction with disadvantage. I mean, yeah, I feel like as she disappears, I probably try to turn around and tackle her.

I was like, I was going to throw an axe. I was like, I'm not going to kill this guy. You're going to throw an axe? No, I'm going to tackle her. So the way that tackling works in this probably doesn't work system that I've made is that you can do damage to somebody or you can try to like bring them down essentially. So you want to just bring her down? I'm just trying to bring her down. Give me a strength check. So roll a d20, add your strength modifier. Eight plus six, but I'm going to...

As we were running, I evoke rage as a bonus action. So I'm going to evoke rage. Because she did that really suddenly and you weren't ready for it. You have disadvantage. It cancels out the advantage. So you just have 16 as your thing or whatever. 14. So she rolled a 17, unfortunately. So as you turn around to tackle her, you just kind of fall. And she leafs at Grant and she's going to try to tackle him.

Oof, that's bad. Okay, so she leaps through the air and puts her arm out and does a flying clothesline to Grant. Frick. Oh my gosh. Oh no. Hits him square in the helmet, so it's not that bad, but it sends him flying. He like gets turned inside out practically. Sorry, that's a wrestling term. He doesn't literally get turned inside out. He...

It's like the beginning of Scream. You gotta be careful in this world. Yeah, yeah. There's a full backflip just because of how hard she hits him in the face. And he falls down on the ground. That's the play. So the ball's down there on the 30. Oh, he's got to roll for distance. I'm sorry. How many yards did we go, Anthony? What down are we at? Yeah. No, so you're going to be at first down. So he is going to roll a D10 to see how many yards he's gone.

Okay, three. So you were at the 33-yard line. You have to get to 100, obviously, to get a touchdown. All right, good run, Grant. Anything over 20 is good. I pick him up. You okay? He ignores you saying that, and he looks kind of irritated. Now it is your turn to run a play. What would you like to do? You can pass or you can run.

Depending on what you want to do, I'll tell you how you do that mechanically. All right, if we're in a huddle, you guys look around the huddle, and then you see a rhinoceros horn poke into the huddle, and Henry has turned into a rhino, and he says, guys, I think we should run the ball. Donkey Kong. Country. Country.

Let's do this. Grant, you remember Donkey Kong Country? Yeah, 100% of it. Yeah. The underwater music, though, am I right? Very relaxing. Yeah, it was relaxing as fuck. Loved it. If we're running the ball, how about when we say hike, you guys run, and then I'll run up to the supper bowl and then look at it and just see if I can figure out anything about it. Because maybe then we won't even have to play the rest of the game.

I'm getting kind of bored. It is in the mouth of the beholder. The beholder is currently about 60 feet up from the... Okay, well, are there any t-shirt guns? LAUGHTER

There's a single, what you think is a mascot, but then the closer you look, it turns out that's just what that guy looks like. It's this big, furry, weird dude that's walking around with what looks to be sort of like a hand crank catapult. And he's putting tunics into it and then pointing at people. And there's only like five people in the stands, but he's still shooting them repeatedly. Everyone has 20 t-shirts. Yeah. And they're like, enough. And they're trying to slap him out of the air. I love the energy, Ron. Do you think you could get up there to the beholder? Is that what you're saying?

I don't know, like if we're just going to do another sort of bird sort of game, I think that I can contribute in another way. Maybe just sort of not playing. You could, you know, help run along the side of the rhino or whatever to make sure we don't lose the ball. We could also do that. Side huddle. Daryl, you did last time like the play was to let Ron do whatever Ron wanted to do. And that worked out pretty well for us.

This could be one of those Ron things that Ron does it and maybe it distracts the beholder like long enough for us to get in like a cheap hit or something like that on the other team. Let's just not provoke this thing. That's all. I won't. You want to do some cheap hits on those kids over there that I can see by the rep? It's not.

Jeez. Damn, dude, you're rough. I did not think this... Dude, you should play more sports, man. I didn't realize you're all into this shit. Well, nah, I mean, I don't think we should, though. I don't think we should take those cheap hits. But I like where you're thinking. I mean, yeah, I mean, if you want to say that Gronk can do whatever he wants, I guess you could say that. I was just saying, like, you have a pretty good player, Big Rhino. Like, hi, Rhino. Like, I'm looking at he's a rhino, right? Yeah, he's a rhino. A rhino and...

Daryl, I got some stuff I can cast on them. My name's still Henry. You can call me Henry still. Oh, okay. Henry, I just think you should commit. Like, you came here being like, yo, I'm a rhino. I think you should commit to the play that you just said. You know what? I'm a rhino, and I want to run the ball. And, you know, so that's all right. Yeah, that's fair enough. I'm also going to commit to the play.

Good luck, guys. All right. Sounds good. All right, Ron. This question matters. Do you want the football to be just with the Rhino or do you want Grant to be holding the football astride the Rhino? Wait a second. Put the Rhino's mouth. Yeah, put it in my mouth and I'll just close my mouth. All right. My mouth's big enough for the ball. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Anthony, I'm going to try to sneak away from the team. Okay. Give me a stealth roll. I got 12 plus 8.

Uh, that's 20. 20. Wow. Okay. So yeah, you were, you were, are you doing the same, the Ron Gambit where you're pretending to be the like yard marker? How about I just sneak into the, into the t-shirt catapult? Um, okay. Give me, uh, give me a, hmm. Hmm.

So that first stealth roll definitely got you close to the guy. So in order to sneak inside, I feel like that's a disadvantage stealth roll. Unless you've got some inspiration you can burn or something. I would like to burn my inspiration. Okay, then just give me a straight stealth roll. I got a 16 plus eight, which is... I forget you have a plus eight every time. Yeah, let's see. So that's 24. I'm going to roll perception for him, but I suspect you're going to crawl into a fucking t-shirt cannon.

He rolled a five. So what's it like inside the t-shirt cannon? It's such a thrill.

Just the anticipation. Okay, so he aims and he's just going to hit one of the five people in the audience. But pretty high up, right? I mean, you will be once he launches it, but like he's not aiming at the beholder. He's just going to aim into the stands. If Juan dies doing this, could you fucking imagine the insanity? I would be pretty mad at myself, guys. I have to admit it. But you know, you just got to try sometimes for the love of the game, for the love of sport, you know? Are the t-shirts cool though? Yeah.

Like, are they? No, they're cheap and they look bad. What is your plan? Try to trick him into thinking that the beholder wants a t-shirt and then he'll shoot at the beholder. And then you can get closer as opposed to him just hurling you away from the field into the stands. Oh, I could use my actor ability to do an impression of the beholder. Yes.

Because I have an acting thing. So give me a performance check to see if you can sufficiently both throw your voice and impersonate the beholder that is 60 feet up. Make sure you add some reverb there, Ron. I got a nine. I want a t-shirt, shirt, shirt, shirt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

As you say that, the mascot that's not a mascot looks down into its catapult and goes, oh, oh, hey, get out of there. Get out of there, kid. And he starts slapping at you with his hand. Make me. If that's how you want to do it. All right. And he grabs onto you with both hands. So you're grappled now. You know what? I'm along for the ride. Okay. So he hoists you up over his head and spins you, spins you, spins, spins you. Yeah.

turns around away from the field and tries to basically toss you into like the hallway that people come out. So he just throws you real far. You hit the Mountain Dew machine and you take 16 damage. Okay. A bunch of Mountain Dew comes out though. That's a chunk. You can't win them all, fellas. Okay. Now that was no longer sneaky. That's a ruckus. Did that distract the hotties as we were hiking? I feel like while that was going on, we were getting ready to hike.

Let me do a roll for their wisdom to see if they will. A bunch of free Mountain Dew on the field and you're telling me these teens aren't going crazy for it? Yeah, right, Anthony. They're playing sports. They're not playing video games. It's not gamer fuel. Mountain Dew is for snowboarders. I'm not going to suspend my disbelief so much, okay? A bunch of teenagers in any universe not going wild for free Mountain Dews? Literally the teens that are listening to this podcast are screaming at their radios right now. At their radios? No!

They're hollering at their gramophone. We love Mountain Dew. They're shaking their iPod touches right now being like, what's going on, Anthony? You got to give us these Mountain Dews. Mom, bring me my Zune. I got to TikTok about the dew. So they rolled pretty well on their wisdom. So what happens is you see Gen Z's so wise. They're really the future.

You see Yeet pluck up his eye patch and under his eye patch, you see a cybernetic eye. What? It goes, Yeet's so cool. What? And turns and looks independent of his other eye and you hear like, and he goes, don't worry about it, guys. It's just Mountain Dew. We can afford that when we win.

And he blasts the eye patch back down. He knows how to keep his eyes on the prize. So he has a robot eye that just got revealed? Yes. That must be what Grant found out that upset him so much. The boy who loves his half machine. He's like Will Smith and I robot. All right. So like we hug the ball and put in the mouth of the rhino. What happens? He put in the mouth of the rhino. And then as that happens, I'm going to cast Thunderwave. Damn.

Okay, what does that do? Which is in this context, I'm trying to start a wave. It's all five people? It's all five people. But somehow, the effect of this here in the D&D universe is that a wave of thunderous force sweeps out from me. I had this skill the whole time. It was in me this entire time. Each creature in a 15-foot cube originating from you, but since everyone's on the line of scrimmage, that's like everyone. They're definitely going to be next to each other, yeah. Must make a constitution saving throw. Fail save, they take 2d8 thunder damage, and they're

pushed 10 feet away. A successful save, they take half damage, but then they aren't pushed. Okay. And then also any unsecured objects, Mountain Dews, cans of Mountain Dew within the area effect are also automatically... Signs advertising Mountain Dew. Yeah, those are all pushed away and they flutter in the wind so the advertisers can see them. Does it go from in front of you or in a circle around you? It's a cube away from me. Oh, nice. So just in case everybody but us. Yeah. And also that boom is loud and it goes out to 300 feet.

And then 301 feet, I guess you don't hear it. How the fuck does that work? D&D's too bad. So I'm going to roll constitution saving throws for all six of them. Yeah. The hellhound, yeet, and killer all get pushed 10 yards back. The giant shark, the phase spider, and...

And the flame skull do not. So what's going to happen is when you do your run, we'll give me a D10 roll. That'll be how many yards you run. Okay. For the first leg of your run. You get an automatic bonus. That first 10 is what you're saying. Yeah. I got a one. I'm going to check the running speed of a rhino. You got one. Okay. So you got one yard before somebody attacked you. It doesn't mean somebody's tackled you yet. It means somebody's going to attack you after one yard. Okay. So I'm going to say that it's going to be the flame skull.

And he is going to... A rhino runs 34 miles per hour, by the way. So, you know. Yeah, but it doesn't get from 0 to 34. Yeah, he's got to accelerate. He's like a fucking Mario Kart character. Bowser doesn't come out the gate at full speed. That's very fast. Yeah. So his armor class is 11. The skull is going to open its mouth and go, ha-ha! And hit you with a fire ray twice. And that is going to do...

6d6 damage to you. Oh my god. Both times. So he does 27 damage to you with the fire ray, which he didn't do it to knock you down. He just did it to hurt you. Now, do I have a rhino's hit points or my hit points now? You have a rhino's hit points. Okay, because that's less hit points than me because it has 45 hit points. It's 45. All right, so I'm down to 25 hit points now. Okay. So now the shark is going to try to tackle you. So he's going to make a strength check. This

This is like every 12-year-old's dream football game. The shark tackles the rhino with the football in its mouth. Okay, so he got a 10. Roll constitution. It's not an opposed strength trick? No, it's like, is your body hardy enough to repel his strength? Okay, I got a 16. I don't know if you know, but Will's been DMing, so he's coming back with the facts. The two DMs. Yeah, this is a problem. I'm noticing a problem here. This isn't how I would DM them.

I just don't want to make it so that only the strong characters had an advantage. For sure. For sure. You successfully managed to bounce the hellhound away. The,

The giant shark's going to start moving downfield to tackle you later on. So the phase spider is going to come at you, but he's going to get intercepted by Grant. So Grant's going to run up and he's going to tackle him right before he tackles him. You definitely see this. Will Matt, you're going to have to roll a perception check to see if you notice this. Okay. 14 plus one 15. Okay. So the 15, you notice it too. As he runs up, he undoes his shoulder pads and,

and lets them fall off of his body. And he runs, and he tackles this huge-ass spider. Oh, this poor baby boy. And slams him into the ground and keeps him down there. So you get to roll another d10 for continuing your run. Okay. Glenn's like, hey, you know, you can give him some pads with stone skin. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Oh, I should have given him stone skin, son of a bitch. Okay. Sounds like that spider needs stone skin. That's why I said he didn't want it. Oh, God. Okay. Well, Henry rolled a four.

So I guess I go another four yards as I watch that happen. When I said that the field is 100 yards, I meant 50. Because this is a two hour podcast. Yes. OK, so you're on the 37 yard line right now. Yeet, Killa and Giant Shark are about to tackle you. So you can either run out of bounds and end the down or you can keep going.

Um, wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. I have an idea for a 200 IQ play here. Um, okay. Okay. Okay. I turn... Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Okay. I turn into... Guys, what's an animal that burrows? Like a gopher. Dude, I literally had the same thought. A meerkat. I...

I can't find one. He's got to be an animal that burrows and is big enough to hold a football. Well, I'm straight up sitting here. I wasn't even listening to Grant, like, putting his rage out on a spider because I was sitting here going through Dungeons & Dragons trying to figure out if he can turn into a mole or some shit because if we score a touchdown, all I want to do is run down the clock and put football underground. I did a report on the wombats in fifth grade. The wombats? No, but they don't go underground.

Yes, they fucking do. They are the largest burrowing animal and the second largest marsupial in the world, Matt. Oh my goodness, that's wonderful. I did a report in fifth grade. I got an A on it on wombats. They're my favorite Australian animal. It goes wombats, then quokkas, and they burrow, and they're cute, and farmers are unfairly targeting wombats, and they got little claws that can dig through the ground really well. This podcast is brought to you by Zoo Books. Wombats are huge. Are they big enough to hold a football? No.

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Here's my question to Anthony. I'm Googling wombat in relation to football. They're about a meter in length, so absolutely. Okay, okay. Before we go wombat, if I turn into a smaller animal while the football is in my mouth, does the football shrink when I shrink? No. And I would submit to you, they're like, what happens to my clothes when I turn into an animal? Oh, they get shredded, dude.

that just explode? Yeah. You were naked after the bird. It's not like a Hulk pants situation, like where the Hulk's purple pants to go stretchy with him and they shrink back down. Okay, nevermind. I turn into a wombat and I try to burrow with a ball.

And they have a pouch. They have a pouch. I stuff the ball into my pouch and I burrow. Hold on. Okay. So you're Rhino and you transform into a wombat. Yes. So the ball is in your mouth when you transform, which means the ball's in your mouth when you're a wombat. Oh no. Which means that it probably like, no, I'm not going to say it like snaps or anything. It's fine. I was thinking about it. No. Which means the ball probably like gets squeezed out of your mouth and you kind of fumble it. Okay. Okay.

But you're the one who knows that this is coming, so I'm going to give you a dexterity roll to grab the ball up before somebody else jumps on it. Alright, I'm googling Wombat D&D 5e to see if there are stats. So your dexterity bonus is a plus one. I'm looking at one right now. Also, you have 10 hit points. Congratulations. Oh no. Oh shit, are you serious? Yes. Alright, well I rolled a 12 on my dex. But you're so cute! Do I get advantage because I know this is coming? Yeah, if you like it, that makes sense. You get advantage because you're cute. Because

Because he's a baby. He's a baby. All right, I rolled a 13. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to have Yeet be nearby, and he's going to make an opposed dexterity check. Okay, so Yeet was coming at you on his skateboard, the sounds of Superman by Goldfinger, accolading through the AirPods he always has in his ears. And he rolled a 12. Oh! So...

You managed to snatch it up just as he does a fucking kickflip to try and grab it with his hand. Like, oh, he's upside down and he tries to grab it, but your little wombat claws grab it and put it inside of your pouch. You play Tony Hawk. I play Mortal Wombat. All right. Right?

So I feel like that's inspiration. Yeah, that's definitely inspiration. Very kind. Okay. So now I guess you want to roll something to burrow. Sure. How close is he to the end zone? So you guys are about 13 yards away from the end zone. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I think I have a spell for this. Give me one second. In the desert heat of Australia, right? The burrowing allows them to be sort of nocturnal and hide from predators. Burrows can be up to 30 meters long and several meters deep.

Whoa. So once this tunnel is connected, we're good. Will pulled off like the James Bond rules. Not enough. He pulled like the rules. Not enough for the boat. Like goes underwater. Oh yeah. Like Henry adjusts his little wombat tie while he's under. Yeah. I think that Henry should stay a wombat forever. I just, this way we get,

cool like real wombat facts from Freddy and I love that and then we get like to think about Henry as a wombat and you know you don't have to think about the gross parts we can put a leash on him and Peyton can walk him like a little dog oh my gosh like a harness yeah and he has a little pouch you put like a little flower in his pouch laughing

Are wombats soft? I mean, they got like claws and they are, you know, a little more. They're not as like cuddly as a lot of the animals in Australia are not as cuddly as you think. But as Henry dives towards the ground in wombat form, he casts mold earth. If you target an area of loose earth, you can instantly excavate it, move it along the ground and deposit it up to five feet away. This movement doesn't have enough force to cause damage. You can cause shapes, colors or both to appear in the dirt. OK, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The point is I'm using this... Shapes, colors, and what to appear in dirt? This is just other stuff you can do with this spell. Like I can cause shapes and colors to appear on the dirt or the stone, spelling out words, creating images. Yes, the dirt flies in the air, and as you burrow down, the hottie's looking and says, losers. It says, thanks, with a smiley face. So yeah, I'm going to cast this and then use it to excavate the earth in front of me, and then I'm going to be basically... It's a cantrip, so I can cast it as much as I want. What?!

There we go. I was just looking for the way to win automatically. It's basically like a Bugs Bunny move. I turn into a wombat, dive into the ground, and then you see this little bump pop up in the ground and then just zoom to the end zone. And you also said that the spell allows you to displace Earth and then put it somewhere else. So in my mind, wombat Henry runs up and tears a chunk out of the ground, dives in it, and then replaces the chunk behind it like he's slamming the door shut behind him or something. Ha ha ha!

every time we get the ball we're just gonna give it to henry he's gonna turn into a wombat and he's gonna go underground uh okay pop back up at the end zone when henry pops up in the end zone he's got a carrot in his mouth and a big map and he says i knew i should have taken that left turn at albuquerque okay so i'm gonna go to individually look at every single member of this team and see if there's anything they can do to stop this okay and also i want to point out that by doing this he's probably tilling up a lot of earth and like pebbles and as you know on the skateboard a single pebble will wreck your

Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay, so the flame skull cannot do anything. The giant shark cannot do anything. The spider cannot do anything. The hellhound cannot do anything. Yeet especially cannot do anything. But...

Killa Damal sees that you're going underground. That wascally wombat. And so she jumps into the air and like swan dives down. And as it looks like she's about to face plant into the ground, she goes incorporeal. Oh, shit. And she's going to make a disadvantage attack on you. She's like one of those foxes jumping in the snow. Oh, my gosh. Those snow foxes.

Oh, this is so cute. It's a cute episode. Except for Graham punching that spider a bunch. We're going to check back in on that in a second. We should have like a separate time every episode to do wombat combat.

Killa dove after you and she went, nice moves, but mine are better. And she like dives in and barely, just barely misses you as you skitter away from her. And then she recorporealizes and is buried alive currently. And she's like, ah, shit. And she begins to choke. Oh my God. Daryl runs and starts digging the ground where she is. You successfully managed to dig her up.

And she goes, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, stupid. I'm no damsel in distress. Ha ha! And she casts horrifying visage. Wait, just to clarify though, I feel like during that time that I was digging her out, he definitely got into the end zone. Yeah, he definitely got into the end zone and got a touchdown. Congratulations. You got a touchdown.

So the beholder's watching all this. He goes, no, you're kidding me. Not again with this. No, come on. Come on. You pull up Killa DeMall and she goes, you guys are going to break our win streak. I mean, it's purely professionally. I think you guys are tight. Fuck.

Fuck you. And as she says, fuck you, her face morphs into that of like a corpse. It looks like horrifying. It's like some Beetlejuice ass stop motion ass shit. Large Marge. Large Marge shit. And so all of you have to make a DC 13 wisdom saving throw.

All of us? Am I looking at this? I'm not looking at this. It's every non-undead creature within 60 feet that can see her. So I guess if you're still underground, well, you probably have to surface in order to make the touchdown, right? I'm going to use this moment to reaction with mental barrier. Okay. Which is my reaction spell, which protects my mind with a wall of looping repetitive thought, which is like,

oh no, Henry's winning, but I can't, we can't win. I'm going to lose money. Henry's winning though, but we need to win, but I'm going to lose money. That's the looping thought that keeps going in my head, which distracts me, which is going to give me advantage on intelligence, wisdom, and charisma, saving throws and resistance to psychic. Henry needs touchdowns, dental plan.

I got a one plus one. 17 minus one is 16, so I'm good. Didn't you tell me I have a disadvantage on wisdom shit now, Anthony, because of my horrifying... Oh, yeah, because of your sanity. Oh, yeah, this is horrible. It's giving you flashbacks to the shit. Okay. So, yeah, you definitely have a disadvantage. Just like back when I was in the shit. Terrell just has never been so...

He's never helped somebody have them dismiss his help so hard as literally pulling a person who's buried alive out with his bare hands only for them to turn around and be like, I'm not so distressed that it turned into a zombie. He is astonished. You know what it is? It's all of the dads have teenage boys, but none of them are prepared for being teenage girls.

Henry fucked up his role too. When Killa Tamal screams, Henry turns around like that dramatic hamster. Very good. So everybody that failed your role, you are frightened for one minute. So frightened. Time out, baby. Time out, time out, time out. Son of a bitch! Glenn calls time out so that my teammates can recover. And Glenn's like, it's all good. Time is no object here in this game of football, bitch. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Frightened? Don't worry. Just chug some Capri Suns and we'll be right good to go in one minute. Daryl pulls up a Mountain Dew and then grabs another one and walks over to Grant. Hey, buddy, man, you okay? You're working out some aggression there.

Sorry, just for a second. I was like, it's okay. I'll just wait until the next play and then have her do it again. It specifically says if somebody saves or if the effect ends, they're immune to it for the next 24 hours.

Yeah, she doesn't scare us anymore. It's just not looking great for the female NPCs. I was going to have her basically be like a one-woman team, like fucking teleporting between you like Nightcrawler and fucking your shit up. And no, you just saved her from... God, a wombat beater. A wombat and the rules of football. Fuck.

Okay, so what bullshit are you saying to your son? I mean, I'm just... We only got a minute. It's time out. But I'm just checking in on him, saying you're working out some aggression. No, Daryl, you're still frightened for this minute, to be clear. Oh, okay, never mind. I just shakily bring him a Mountain Dew and go...

Drink this, Grant. Oh, God. And I just, I walk away. I go look for Henry. I'm like, where's Henry? Is he okay? Is he a wombat? Did I get thrown over to where we came out, like from the locker rooms? Yeah. You could just walk back onto this field if you want. I'm actually going to walk back into the locker rooms. Don't look at my poo. I'm going to look at the poo. No! Oh, God!

Well, no, if you, okay. If Henry thought that there was some sort of mystical thing to be gained from this, I feel like I'm taking one for the team, so to speak, by picking up where he left off. Talk to me about the bathroom. Is this a good episode? I don't think so. I don't know anymore. No, I think you guys are doing well. I'm not doing great this episode, but that's okay. We can't win them all. Okay. So I think I walk down the hallway where people normally come out ready to rock and roll, ready to run. And.

And I opened the locker room where a telltale smell indicates that even if it has been cleaned up, there is something that cannot be cleaned away. I bet you it's not cleaned up. I feel like that. Yeah. What happened to the cankus? They're dead. They went in and they immediately quit. They went, they went, it's not a living. And they left.

I like Ron is like stepping into like his own Silent Hill mini adventure right now. Silent but deadly hill. They're just dead on the floor. Nice. I'm like, oh my God. Are you ready for one of the more specific pulls? It's like the scene in the Casper movie where fucking Ray from Ghostbusters comes out and goes, who you to call? Someone else and runs away. And Bill Pullman looks so satisfied with that joke and he's just crushed.

you're gonna come as someone else okay so you want to see this thing listen i just gotta take one for the team here okay uh give me a disadvantage wisdom roll okay wisdom saving throw on my bingo card for this is not that daryl's feces was going to cause psychic damage to half of the dance what's not disadvantage i got 13 plus 1 14

14, one shy. Oh! I hate to see it. You do hate to see it. You absolutely hate to see it. The thing that you were looking at, all the stuff that I said to Will applies to you now. It is horrible. Your mind has trouble comprehending it. But to you, there's not quite that familiarity. Forever now, you're going to have disadvantage on Arcana, Wisdom, anything that's Wisdom-related checks, you're going to have disadvantage on. Damn, Ron, the wisest of the characters. Yeah, no, I think...

I feel like to get where I am right now, yeah, I could not have had advantage on any of my stuff. You know what? I realize Glenn's probably the best person to do this because mental barrier really protects me in this regard. Why doesn't everybody just go look at the big old church? You've also probably held a few friends' heads as a vomiting. Yeah, exactly. I've seen some shit on the road. Question for you, Anthony. What does Ron's sentient mustache do upon seeing the poop? Good question. Oh.

Your mustache begins to scream. Oh my god. Like, jump back a little bit in time. As you're getting closer and closer to the stall, you're opening the door. It's the shoe from Roger Rabbit. It's like... Like, it's trying to get you to turn around. It's like, turn around. Go, go. We gotta go back. We can't do this.

No, no, no, no. I don't feel good. Mr. Mustache, you're okay. You're with me. We're just going to take a quick look and see if I can garner any wisdom from this. It's okay, Mr. Mustache. I've got you. I take it back. This is my favorite episode. Please animate this, somebody. So when you see it, the mustache screams. Like you feel this thing on your face just screaming. It bristles. Yeah, it poofs up like a cat's tail when it gets scared. No.

So when you leave, your mustache is all poofy and stuff. Hush, Mr. Mustache, don't you cry. We're just gonna look at a big mud pie. And if that mud pie is real cursed, the whole sadness thing will be reversed.

Is he still screaming? He's still screaming. And after, you know, a minute or whatever, his screaming stops. And then you hear him say, I will never trust you again. How dare you? I didn't want to do that. And you did it anyway. You didn't care about what I wanted. It's rude. I mean, it's a little hypocritical for a mustache that literally parasitically leaned onto her. I'm here to help you.

Listen, Mr. Mustache, maybe we should talk about this later because there's a lot of stuff going on right now. What are you, Daryl? Yeah, there you go. Reason. I don't want anyone to come between us, Mr. Mustache. You could feel the mustache like straining, not to say that's what she said. So do you have anything else you want to do in there? She got a magazine. So back on the field, the beholder's like, oh my God, oh my God.

You know what? Let's just do half. I need to rethink this whole way people do magic and all of it. This is bullshit. This is the worst. Half done. I'll be back. Oh my God. And it just like shakes its head, but its whole body is its head. So it just shakes its whole body.

How long is halftime, dude? Halftime is until I work up the mental fortitude to continue with this. Okay, just give us a little bit, not to criticize, but like literally we woke up and you came running in and said five minutes. I'll give you a heads up. Go do whatever you're going to do. I'm just saying, thank you. I just want to make sure we have more than five minutes. Add a little up, guys. Add a little up. I waddle over to the huddle. When I look at Ron, I'm like...

You looked, didn't you? You saw. You saw what I saw. What did you guys look at? What are you talking about? Ron just nods with a pale, sweaty expression and then also his mustache is paler too. Yeah.

Yeah, your mustache turns white. Yes, absolutely. OK, your mustache is not white. Yes. Hey, so it looks like we're going to win this again, guys. Just say he's going to get rid of magic, baby. No, I do want to point out that just because I'm a wombat and I can burrow on our turns doesn't mean we're not going to have to play defense when they come up against us. I don't know that me being able to wriggle under the ground is going to help us when it's their turn to run the ball. But once we get one point ahead, we can just like run down the clock.

That's true. That's what I was saying. You can just keep the ball under the ground. That's what I was getting at. And just sit there until the clock runs out. That's my plan. That's a good plan, Daryl. I love that. You want to just call the beholder and see if he can just like fast forward this whole thing. The beholder floats down to you guys and goes, Hey idiots, hey assholes, hey turds. So I was thinking, you win. I don't like this. I don't like it. See?

Yes. I can either make a new rule that says you can't be a wombat, but not even make rules for everything. That's stupid. I have an anti-magic rate. He vomits an anti-magic rate at all of you, and you turn back into a human and all the magic and stuff goes away. You could use that, but that just feels like I'd have to use that on everybody. Did you hear that we were going to just hide the ball underground? No, but that sounds like something you would do. So yeah, no, I figured let's just get you out of the fucking stadium. Let's get the fans back in, the real football fans. You guys are fake football fans. Listen, I've talked to the sponsors, and we can't have this. Ha ha ha.

Mountain Dew's pulling out. We're losing all of our sponsors. Mountain Dew is disgusted by what you've done to their brand. So yeah, no, fuck it. Here's the Subber Bowl. And he rolls out his tongue. Oh, man. And the Subber Bowl sort of clatters onto the ground next to you. So yeah, here's the bowl, but obviously you want the money, right? No, we actually want the bowl, man. The bowl. What's the...

Oh my God, you could not disrespect this sport more. The bowl represent. Well, hold on, man. Hold on, man. I think we've found some problems with this sport. Let me just take you aside here and bend your ear or ears, I guess a little bit. What do you call the sport again?

It's catch the ball, throw the ball, run the ball across the field. That's too much of a mouthful. What about Glen Bowl? Glen Bowl, you know? Glen Bowl. Roll persuasion. Glen Bowl. It's weird. You walked into the wrong stadium, motherfucker, because that persuasion roll is a 25 total. Oh, shit.

So is it Glenn Ball or Glenn Bull? I like Glenn Bull. Glenn Bull. It's Glenn Bull, you know? And I was thinking, you guys can really razzmatazz this place. And Glenn basically kind of pulls him aside and gives him, he basically pitches him the XFL. Because, you know, it's like we've showed kind of the deficiencies in your model. And I just think that this might be a way to rebrand and reinvigorate your sport. Glenn makes a business pitch. Yeah.

I hate you, and yet you're right. So I'm going to steal this idea. It is mine now. Glenbowl. It's called Glenbowl, and it was my idea, and it always has been. Oh, dang. Hey, everybody, it's called Glenbowl now. And everybody in the stands is like, well, that's way better. Yeah, I know, right?

How did Yeet and Killa and all them feel about the fact that they just, that game just ended? So you can hear Yeet being like, guys, I know that that was a bad first half, but I know that if we just stick together, we're the ragtag group of kids that can really do this. Hey, you, I know that your mom's operation is riding on this one. Oh my goodness. I know that this is going to be a big day for all of us. And I think we could probably go pro if we win this one. Sorry, what? And the elder's like, yeah, no, we're not, they win. So we're not, we're not doing any of that. And Yeet,

his wheels stop spinning for the first time you've ever seen. Okay, so everybody give me perception rolls. 18 plus 2, 20. 19 plus 1, 20. I got an 11 plus 1.

I have disadvantage on perception checks too. Is that the deal? Anything that's modified by wisdom and unfortunately perception is modified by wisdom. It's my whole character, man. I don't like that. I got a 12. Okay. Let me roll again. I got 16 plus one, 17. So everybody that got above a 15. Nice. You see that the grass on the field is beginning to shake.

back and forth. And as you look at the grass, you see that it's trying to form words. But with the grass all dug up because of the mole, you can only make out parts of the words. What the fuck? It seems to say don't and then the letter B and you can't make out what's in the rest of the word. And then again, the letter B and you can't make out what's the rest of the word. It seems to be three words. Whoa, the grass is like...

Moving, guys. Whoa, it looks like it's trying to say something. Hang on. And I press my ear to the ground and I cast speak with grass or speak with plants is the spell.

This spell is only for speaking with grass. It's only for dads when they want to know what's wrong with their lawn. So the grass says, Aaron says, don't break the bowl. Aaron says, don't do it. Guys, don't break the bowl. Aaron says, don't break the bowl. Did she say why? Did she say anything about that? Blades of grass? She should be close. And so as he says that, you see Aaron holding a very large leaf, sort of gracefully floating around like Mary Poppins and land next to you guys.

And she sees that you've got the bowl, but her face is like white as a sheet. And she looks at Daryl and she says, Daryl, I need to talk to you and Payton and only you two. I look at Grant's like, hey, buddy, I'm going to go walk over here and talk to Aaron. Then we'll talk afterwards. Grant's like, I don't I really don't care. It's fine.

Well, whatever you want to do is fine. He's watching you go back into the lockers. He stops for a second and you can see Grant like stepping on his tiptoes like, is he going to turn around? He's going to turn around and he does not turn around and just heads back into the locker room looking pretty upset with himself. And Grant just sits down on the field and sort of just stares at the grass. Aaron takes you aside into a relatively quiet corner of the stadium and she's holding the supper ball in her hands.

And she says, this isn't the anchor. This is a, do you know what a pass fake is? I mean, it's usually a fake pass, but yeah, sure. Yeah. What a pass fake is. After we talked about the tethers and the anchors and stuff, I started doing some divination spells and I found out that you said you were going for the one here. It's not actually an anchor of itself. It's a mask for an anchor. It's been cloaking an already extant anchor. So once you destroy this,

Like all the anchors you're going to have to destroy. You have to break these things. Yeah. So once you destroy this, it's going to show you the real anchor. Well, then why not destroy it? Well, I just I want you to understand what you'll be doing if you destroy it and how you kind of can't unring that bell. Peyton, I'm so, so sorry to do this to you, but you're not from here.

You know that, right? And Payne's like, I don't follow what you're saying, my lady. I don't know what you mean. And she says, Willie brought you here. Wait, from our world? Yeah, in a sense. I thought there was something weird about Payne when I first met him. And I kind of sort of secretly took some of his hair while you guys were talking once. And like, don't, it's not a thing. It's not, it's not weird. It's weird, but it's not that weird. It's a little weird, Aaron, but okay.

He has a lot of memories that are being contained inside of this object. And if you break it, all the memories are going to come out and you're going to know what the anchor really is. I don't know for sure, but I have a pretty good idea what the anchors are. I think you do too. Aaron, you're giving me too much credit. I'm not that smart. Okay. I don't really have an idea, but what I would posit to you then is you could just keep going on your adventure with this bowl and

and not break it until the very last possible minute. And things will be good for you for potentially a very long time for the rest of your adventure. And you won't have to do something that could be something that you, you won't want to do. Can I ask Aaron, why did you bring Peyton into this? It feels like two unrelated things. Because you both have to make this decision together. Wait, are you saying Peyton's the anchor? I'm saying Peyton's the anchor and,

And I think Peyton is holding the soul of your dad. Look at Peyton. What does Peyton say? Peyton's like, what? No. Wait, not Peyton? No. I'm the main man. I'm your Peyton. No, you got to be confused. Peyton's awesome. My dad was awesome. But they're not the... But wait.

No. I mean, I like I look at him as sort of, you know, like somebody I could give advice to and take advice from kind of a give and take thing. But I'm not as dead. Like that's Aaron says, no, it's the soul of his dad is inside you. And when you break this thing, this mask, the supper bowl, all those memories are going to come flooding back. Wait, and then I have to destroy him.

If you want to leave here with Grant, I am so, so sorry, but Hayden, all the memories that you've had, whoever you are now is going to be not lost because you'll still remember all the times you had as Payton, but you're going to immediately remember being Daryl's dad. If I've got this right. And then if you want to leave the forgotten realms, you have to get rid of him. And I'm,

I'm sorry. I wish there were another way to do this. That's why I didn't want to tell this in front of the others. Cause it's not their business. It's, it's only the, the business of the two of you. I mean, no, they got to know they're there. I mean, we're all in this together. I, I mean, I'm not going to kill you, Peyton. I'd like to see you try. Okay. But also like, if you don't do that, you can't go back. What about grant? I, I don't know. Uh,

Hey, thanks, Aaron. I wave. I go, hey, guys. Hey, Daryl, what's up? What happened? What's going on? Hey, guys. So, like, quick thing. So, Peyton's my dad. What? Since when? Since when?

♪ It's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ Even if you die, it'll be alright ♪ ♪ It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, alright, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ All you do is try, it'll be alright ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. This show is supported by a Patreon populated by fine patrons. In addition to getting all kinds of behind the scenes and bonus content, they also get a special little spot right here in the crets where I shout them out. Folks like

Assorted Fruits, Josh Simons, Tal St, Tal Street, unclear. And

Hey, you want a chat show that we record after each episode talking about the campaign? What about entire bonus one shots played in other systems or Anthony's DM notes like the system he came up with for football that frankly, we never really had a chance to test.

You can get that and more on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Support the show directly, get content, get ad-free episodes, join us on live listens. The list goes on. Check it out. You want to support us in other ways? You can do that at our website at dungeonsanddaddies.com where we got t-shirts, pins, stickers, you know, that podcast merch. We're on Twitter at twitter.com slash dungeonsanddads. All kinds of discussions happening on the subreddit at red.com slash r slash dungeonsanddaddys.

Our next episode's coming out July 7th. So until then, stay safe. Have a good barbecue if you're in the U.S. Actually, no way. You can have a good barbecue anywhere. We'll see you then. Listen, we were so good last episode. We were so like following the rules of you. Were you? You turned into a bird. No, that was your fault. You didn't think about that.

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