Ep. 18 - MMMPop!
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This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid.

So first, call your parents to say I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee with your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 in order. Additional terms apply. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Time now for the Fanolin Murder Sports Play of the Day, brought to you by Bullywood. Step into your local Bullywugs and trot their new sizzling Spilodon sliders for limited time only. New location opened up now in Thundertree. Hey, you're neck of the woods. Yeah, I'm going to have to get down there and slam some brewskis with my butts. Today's play comes from the Meadowshade Four Knights Competition.

Early game, two zones down. We've got Goose Moose Van Gloose. Love me the Gloose. Going toe to toe against rookie team, the Doodlers. And things do not go well for the downtown drought down in zone G. No, sir, they do not. Let's get into the action.

Doodler's here laying low, going for the camping strategy, but Van Gloose is not fooled. Comes in hot with the magic missile. Boom goes the window. Van Gloose sprinting forward, going for the dive at... Stop midair. That's the magic of the reviser right there. Doodler Henry Oak trapping Van Gloose in the window by casting...

healing wood. Some lightning quick wordplay and teammate Glenn Close following that up immediately with a quick cast to hold person and that drow is going nowhere. Now here's where things get interesting. Just as Daryl Wilson pivots his son away from the imminent carnage, the doodlers get locked in the debate about the ethics of murder. What a quagmire! Glenn Close sidestepping with a clutch

clutch rationalization while Oak and Stampler struggle to seal the deal until Boom shakalaka! Daryl Wilson takes the lead and blows Van Gloose away. Let's go now to the Bullybugs. Wog this way, slow-mo kill cam for a closer look. Check out this teamwork. Right before Grant Wilson turns around, Henry Oak grabbing the smoking shotty from his old man's hands and Stampler giving him the credit for the kill. Now that's what I call parenting. With moves like that, it's no wonder a mysterious masked man has stormed into the game to take these two

That's right. No more eye in the sky. All bets are off. Who knows if the doodlers are getting out of this predicament. You know, all in all, some exciting action there coming out of Meadowshade. And that's the play of the day. Up next, the latest on the unfortunate foster children league's performance-enhancing potion scandal. How young is too young to start using them? Because they're legal, right? Oh, absolutely legal. I mean, what's the point without them? Yeah.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, occasionally a BDSM podcast. Actually, it's a D&D podcast. It's about four dads. I was just going to say, um, actually, it's a D&D podcast. Also, I kind of miss the pseudo BDSM times. What do you mean? You mean you miss when we had our innocence? Yeah, there hasn't been a lot of sexy times in a long time. It's been mostly murder. Guys,

Guys, give Freddie a break. He's just trying to introduce the world to our podcast. They've never listened to it before. My name is Glenn Close. Nope, it's Freddie Wong, and I play Glenn Close. The character is so intimidating. I made the Will Campos mistake. The rock and roll bard dad of the group. And this week's Dad Fact about Glenn Close with the actual Area 51 raid. Now, come and gone. I'm sure we all have UFOs and aliens on the mind.

And just a little story about Glenn.

specifically about the three UFO videos that got released by fellow rock and roll star Tom DeLonge, a good friend of Glenn Close's actually. Blink-182 star was responsible for the release of three videos from the U.S. Navy, declassified, titled Flur 1, Gimbal, and Go Fast. Those of you UFO fanatics out there will know. Wait, is it Sonic, the Go Fast one? No. Yeah, that's the one where they actually captured Sonic the Hedgehog on radar. The upcoming documentary, Jim Carrey. Here's the thing.

Here's Glenn Close's hot take on Fleur, Gimble, and Go Fast. Those are easily explained by a weather balloon or some sort of stationary balloon, some kind of distant jet or some kind of passenger airplane or any of those things. Hence the names, Gimble, etc., etc. They're secretly telling you what they actually are. The real secret is

is why is Tom DeLonge, his fellow rock star, now working for the government to put this interference out there? That's the real conspiracy, folks. What do they have on Tom? What do they have on Tom? What do they have on Bleak 182 guitarist Tom DeLonge? They don't have any big things on Tom, but they do have all the small things. No. No. No.

Holy shit. Yes. Oh, we're back, baby. What's up, everyone? I'm going to take that opportunity to introduce myself. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, Birkenstock Rock and granola crunching, munchy, hippie nature druid dad. This week's dad fact about Henry Oak is this. We've all heard Henry's favorite TV show. We've all heard Henry's favorite drink.

But did you know that Henry's favorite radio station is the wind? That's right. 103.1 KWND, the wind. Serving Sam Demas all the classic cuts from the 60s, 70s, 80s, and more. You're listening to the wind. As the husband of a classical rock DJ.

I mean, you are a walking betrayal. Yeah. Oh shit. I didn't think about that. I was so excited for my wind double trap card. Okay. All right. Disgusting. All right. Second favorite.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's canon. I said he doesn't have to patronize his wife by just saying hers is the favorite. You know, they have a relationship based on honesty. He's like, all right, well, you appreciate it. It's like if you said it to her, she would know you're lying because she seemed to look on your face when the wind is blowing really nicely. Henry has a very special relationship with the wind. It was the station he listened to in college. It was the station he listened to when he fell in love with Mercedes. Oh, Garcia, don't you take this from him?

It's one of the few great classic rock stations left in that part of California. They've all been bought up by Clear Channel, but 103.1 The Wind still plays the classic cuts. They still let the DJs do what they want. Okay, cool. My name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and a rogue. Fun fact about Ron is that...

Actually, his favorite radio station is Mercedes. Mercedes O. Garcia's station. No, no, no, no. Ron doesn't listen to the radio. No.

I have never seen Beth this mad in the entire time I've known her. She's legitimately offended. Ron feels like an AM radio kind of guy. Well, I'm sure he would be looking on his body for antennae to listen to the radio. I like the idea that Ron's never listened to the radio and someday somebody steps in the car and just turns it on. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?

actual real canon Ron fact is that he had a tummy ache during the first part of the Fortnite thing. But he was too manly to say anything. So it eventually went away. And that's great. That's it. Like all good problems if you're a man, you just sort of bury it and it eventually disappears. Exactly. Hi, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's now a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. And

And a little dad fact about Daryl since I got that grill. So Daryl loves barbecue and he still uses his dad's original PK grill, which is an old school charcoal grill from the 19. They started in 1952. So he has his dad's grill, which is from 1954. One of the originals. Yeah.

He knows propane is better, but gosh darn it, he knows how to use charcoal just like his dad did. These look like little UFOs. Yeah, they're great. They do what they need to do. They heat up, they get hot, and you cook the meat on it. And he loves pork ribs and brisket. He hates both Carol and Grant love chicken, which he thinks is just a big waste of time on the barbecue. Like, why the hell are you cooking bird on the barbecue? Did you say he hates Carol?

Maybe if Roy didn't slip. He hates that Carol and Grant like barbecue chicken. The only thing that he likes to eat on the barbecue chicken is the skin. And he's been thinking about that a lot recently. Hoisted on his own petard. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. And canonically, I'm your dad. I'm also your dad.

Some long, awkward conversations with everyone's moms to be had in the upcoming week. At least have sex with all of your moms. Yeah, they loved it. Don't get me wrong. It was great. Everybody had a good time. Everyone, seven out of ten at least. I'm sorry I haven't been around as much. But I'm trying to make do. I'm trying to make better. I'm here now, aren't I? Honestly, learning that, I'm going to cancel my therapist tomorrow.

I mean, you and I already have maybe the most complicated psychoanalytic relationship two human beings can have. We're each other's dads. Cosplaying as you in a podcast. Special thing going on this week. Beth has graduated from the Dice Tower, which you've heard in the background of all the previous episodes, to a dice tray.

This one sent in, actually, by listener John Nicholson. This is a zebra wood laser engraved dice train. Made from the bones of a zebra. That's right. Made from dead zebras. John, this is so cool. Like, I didn't know that it was for me, really. And I, like, called dibs on it immediately. I was like, I need this. It's so cool. If I don't score...

score good dice rolls though i will blame you no i'm just kidding um can you roll d20 on it just give us the first roll what do you roll what we got natural 20 just kidding it's a two i don't like this i don't like this but john thank you thank you so much it's like literally it's beautiful it's so exquisite will it be enough to tame beth's wild dice rolls only time probably will not

Hell. By the way, just as a quick shout out, John has a company called Brave Burn Crafted Goods. It's on the internet. Brave Burn, one word. Do a Google search. We also link to it in our Twitter. So thanks very much, John. Thank you, John. Thank you.

So to summarize what happened last time, you jumped into a game of four nights, which is Fortnite. It's a battle royale game. After Grant explained all the rules to you, you jumped down. You went into the PUBG tavern. You immediately sort of made a little base for yourself. Found a gun.

You found a gun because you had a really good investigation role from the only gun in this game so far. And then promptly upon the approach of a dark elf, you used your healing wood spell, which is not a real spell, but you got to use it because your visor of like alphabetical manipulation, you trapped him in there. Then you paralyzed him like a sad one of the poo. And then Daryl shot it in the face and killed it in one hit. And then Grant stood up and saw Henry Oak holding the smoking gun and Ron

Very wisely, Vin said, what the fuck, Henry? And so currently Grant thinks that Henry murdered that guy and not his dad. Shot him in self-defense. Okay. I feel like we'll leave it to the audience. Since he's a drow, wouldn't that be elf defense? Oh, God. Oh, boy. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. brilliant. brilliant

First damage we've taken in Fortnite. Yeah. I got three damage. Two damage. I took three damage from Will's incredible dad joke. So Will's got inspirations, whatever you want, you can spend on. I gave him three out of four stars on that dad joke. Will, couldn't you be satisfied with just your cool healing wood thing? Like, isn't that enough for you for a while? That was last week. My self-esteem has a giant hole in the bottom of it that drains out. Will is a professional writer, and so...

I'm a little concerned that if we have 18 other groups to kill, that Anthony's going to judge us on everyone for being murder and not self-defense. Yeah, this is part of the rules of the game. Anthony's like, you have to kill 18 people. Oh, hello, murderers. Well, we talked about this last time. Jeez, Anthony, what is this, Spec Ops the line? Look what you've done. Don't you love killing people? You're a pervert for playing this game.

Yeah, no, I mean, we were literally talking about this last week because I was like, oh no, I need to find some way of making that not happen again because it made our comedy podcast suddenly very not funny because of the design of it. But then I realized like, ah,

there's literally no way for me to plan for that to not happen because you're all role-playing as characters that have functioning moral compasses and Dungeons and Dragons is predicated on the idea that your characters do not like because we're all dangerous as people yeah we've got that edge so I'll try my best to make them all you know puppy stomping Nazis but we'll just sort of see how it works out at the end after you murdered oh killed in self-defense maybe

After someone was shot in the face by someone, Greg Proops from Phantom Menace announcer in the hot air balloon that was over the Fortnite map was shot down by a rocket. And then a mildly familiar sounding voice picked up the microphone that they had and said that even though normally a Fortnite game can end with a lot of people just sort of hunkering down and waiting for it to end, whoever this guy is, is determined that he's going to kill you before the game is up. He is not in this to win. He is in this to get rid of all of you.

So he made this murder game even more murderous. Yeah, but he's clearly the bad guy there, right? I mean, he's coming for you specifically. Yeah, he also murdered Greg Proops. Yeah, he murdered two innocent. I mean, okay, those announcers are not that innocent. Can I just say one thing, though? There's one really, really important thing. How did they not get Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles to be the two heads of the fucking announcer in Star Wars? Greg should have fallen on the sword and been like, no, this would be better as a Colin and Ryan joint.

Yeah. Anyway, we can continue the podcast now. I just wanted to get that off my chest. If it weren't for that, Phantom Menace would be fucking great. That was the one flaw in the diamond that is Star Wars The Phantom Menace. We've talked about how Phantom Menace is the best of the prequels, right? That's just an objective fact. Best of the Star Wars-ies. Okay, so we're just going to move on. No, before this gets too bad, we're just going to keep going. I would put Phantom Menace above. I would put at the top of the prequels. At the top of the prequels.

And at the top of the sequels. That's insane. You just said a bunch of insane things. I'm going to move on past that. So the 15 minutes has started now. I believe it's Armory, Bomb Makers, Egg Farm, and Ice Cream. A, B, E, and I, those zones, will be filled with poison. Oh man, last chance to get ice cream, guys. Currently, Zone G, the tavern, is not in any danger. But everybody roll Perception. I got a 5. Ooh, yes. Natural 20 Perception roll. I got a 12. I got a 22.

Oh, wow. Jesus. Okay. So Glenn and Henry, with your 20 slash over 20 roles, you can see a very buff gray humanoid with a brown cloak over his shoulders, sort of hunched over. I'm looking at a picture of him right now in D&D Beyond, and he's very Solomon Grundy-esque. You see him before he sees you. You basically can see him crest a hill nearby, and he sees the bar, but he can't tell whether or not anyone is inside of it.

And he looks like he's hunting for blood, right? I mean, he's just walking. You can't really tell. He's got a natural 20. Does it give me any sort of perception into his intent? Okay, with a natural 20, I'll tell you what items he has. He's got what looks to be a wand with a flaming end. It's not like a torch. It's like a magical wand that's got these little flames that are orbiting around the sides of it.

And he's got, looks to be a couple of green herbs. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, baby. This guy's my new best friend. Hey, guys, guys. Yeah, I think this guy's got some righteous herb. What are you guys? Okay. All right. So, guys, somebody's coming after us. Does anybody recognize that voice? I don't know. We pissed a lot of people off on this journey of ours. I'm a little worried it could be CERN. Do you think maybe it's CERN?

No, it couldn't be certain. No, I'm not. I can't even bring myself to say the funny thing I was going to say. Are you certain? I,

I didn't say it. Anthony said it, so we don't take it. It's OK. It's OK. The gal's humor is good in times like this. I appreciate it. This is gosh, boy, I'm just feeling so many things right now. There is also a fairly large Solomon Grundy esque gentleman lumbering towards us. Does anyone know the classic DC movie villain character Solomon Grundy born on a Monday?

etc etc he's like a big gray guy i think that was a deep pull that anthony made to say solomon grundy i don't know that people were gonna follow along with my bad guys he's like a big scary looking guy yeah he's like frankensteinian he kind of looks like a frankenstein's monster dude but with long white hair white hair silver yeah exactly

Okay, is he coming towards us? What was he doing? He is basically looking at the bar. You can see sort of in his head, he's going like, you know, do I go in, do I explore this? Or it is boarded up. Could people still be inside? Maybe they left. He's like sort of deciding what he's going to do with this, but he's definitely thinking about the bar right now. So... Stay still. Everyone should just stay quiet. I think we got to lay low and observe. If you don't move, they can't see you. Okay. He's going to roll perception, let's say.

Ooh, that's a 21. With that good of a perception roll, I think he can just tell that there are multiple people inside. Does he react to seeing the dead body of Spruce Bruce Man? Spruce Bruce Man. Bruce Bigelow. Important question. Does he still have the pant belt on his face? Is he still just two pairs of pants? No, we kicked him out of the hole. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took the holographic belt back. Oh, okay. So he sees the corpse there. What's he going to do? What kind of bad boy is this? I'm going to give him a wisdom roll.

to see if he can decide whether or not he's going to go after you. It would be wise to not attack you. Because we have some bad mother... He did not do well on his wisdom roll. Is he a dumb boy? So he's a dumb boy. Oh, silly. Now I've sympathized with him. So he's not like nice dumb. He's like murdery dumb. Daryl, Daryl. What? He's coming this way. So what was the plan? We're supposed to lure him in here and then set this place on fire? I think we're a little late for that. We don't have any booty traps. Booty traps? Booty traps. Booty traps.

Do they play those at the booty trap house? Or do they play music and sell drugs? Matthew, booty traps. It's been a long day, guys. There's a lot going on right now. Can you guys talk about booty traps? It's more appropriate than booby traps in a way. That's true. I'm more of a booty trap guy. I'm more of a personality trap man.

Okay. All right. There's another guy coming. So Grant looks out the window and he sees the wand on the guy's side and he goes, that's a flame wand. He can basically use it to cast fireball. I've seen that used before. Oh, we're in the big wood building. Soaked in alcohol. Oh, hey, Grant. Yeah. What's up, man? What about the herbs on his belt, though? I think those are healing herbs.

I guess in some cultures, the Mary Jane has been used as a heel. Okay. All right. Grant, Grant, Grant. Yeah. How quickly can we build stone structures? Uh,

Like if you were the one designing the game and you were the dungeon master, like how do you just say we build it and it pops up like the video game Fortnite or is it more like enchanted building that's happening? Like do we just like magically suddenly are able to build? Yeah, the resources are a little bit enchanted. So they do sort of pop up quicker than you imagine and they are based off of your intention rather than your martial ability with actually like building things.

Hey, this is really handy, Daryl. But that said, if a guy's looking at us, I mean, it'll take us a couple of minutes to build anything, which means, you know, meta means like five, ten rounds of combat. Gentlemen, follow my lead. What are you going to do, Henry? I open the door. He raises the wand immediately. I put my arm around Grant and kind of like pull him back a little bit in case something happens. And I say, hey!

Back off, man. That's Spruce Vuce Mangloose. He's the baddest boy in this game, and we just kicked his behind, and there's five of us and one of you. Ron's voice in the background. There's actually seven of us, eight of us.

Ron throws his voice like an actor. We got a whole mess of angry people in here and we're tough as nails. So if you want to know what's good for you, I'd point that one elsewhere and maybe join up with us and we can kick some butt together instead of us duking each other out, you know? Okay, Ron, roll deception. It's a natural one. Curse you, John. Okay, so because this guy can tell that Ron lied about how many people are inside, you make your intimidation roll at disadvantage.

But again, if you want to, you can spend your inspiration to cancel it out. I'm going to do that. That is a 20. A 20? Not a natural 20. A 19 plus 1. Okay, so he'll roll... He got a natural 20. So he goes...

Nah, I don't think so. And he fires the wand at basically you, actually, directly at you. So let's see. Real quick, when we passed out on the Fortnite bus, did that count as a rest? Yeah. Okay, so we're at full health, right? Yeah, minus the damage you just did to them with your dad. Cool, cool, cool. I have an idea. Ask this fireball.

Is he casting the fireball? Well, if you want to get in something beforehand because you saw him coming, I'll say you'll get one, you know, thing. No, at the exact moment that he cast the fireball. Tell me what you want to do. I reach into one of my pockets of one of my pants and...

and I pull out an egg. Oh, shit! I throw it at the fire, trying to just get a simple fried egg out of it. Nobody gets hurt. No damage is done. There is just a tasty treat at the end of this action.

This was the magic egg. What magic does it do? It could have healed you. This is from... Yeah, I thought you were going to give it to Henry because he's about to get hit by a fireball. It would have given him like... Oh, I thought I could just block the fireball if the egg takes the damage and gets fried instead. Oh, you know what? Oh, I see. Okay, I see what you're trying to do. So you're trying to convert that potential energy. Like a top gun, like an anti-missile. Yeah, you're trying to shoot a missile out of the air with an egg. It's countermeasures. Ha ha ha!

Okay, so roll. Give me a ranged attack roll with disadvantage because that's nuts. Please tell me Ron's way in his past somewhere. But again, you also have inspiration, so if you want to use that to cancel out the disadvantage, it'll just be a normal sort of ranged attack roll.

I got three. Oh, you got three? Okay. So with your three, the egg goes sailing through the air and as he shoots the fireball, like the fireball, when it comes out, it's just a little spark and then progressively as it comes out, it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And there's a moment where it seems like the egg is going to perfectly intersect with it. But then the fireball just sort of keeps going and then just completely fucking incinerates the egg. Like, of course that didn't work. That would have never worked. No, it would have worked. No!

Is the egg just gone? It's incinerated. What was the egg again? Remind me. It was a healing egg. It was a healing thing that you could have taken and permanently increased your lowest ability score by one. Wow. Well, guys, if you want to win...

a war you've got to crack some eggs and then lose that war okay beth offered us an egg in this trying time so the egg exactly the the egg is the first thing the fireball hits the second thing the egg hits is henry well hold on shouldn't there be like a dexterity save or something yeah that's what i was about to say oh okay i'm just saying we've literally never done a deck save in this entire podcast this is

this is the first one. The first one. Welcome to episode 18, the first dexterity save. Uh, okay. So we'll give me a dexterity saving throw. Uh,

22. Wow. Okay. So you definitely succeeded. So how do you dodge out of the way? I'm going to do a yoga pose. Oh, my God. Oh, man. From now on, I always need to ask you guys what you do because that's very good. What's the yoga pose that gets you out of the way with a fireball? Is it the elevated crab where you're backwards and raised up? That's like the exorcist. Yeah. It's like a kind of exorcist move.

So you do like the neo-dodge that turns into the elevated crab. Yeah, you do the neo-dodge. Now, unfortunately, because of the way Fireball works, you still are going to take some damage, but it'll be half of what you normally would take. So it goes right over you, hits the door frame behind you, and explodes. And fire spreads everywhere, and you take... That's a lot of dice rolls I'm hearing. That's not even half of them. Just a second. What? There's multiples. Wow! What is this? He's dividing you in half.

I only wish the egg had been a better egg. So just to be clear, it's 8D6. 8D6? Yeah. How often can you use... I mean, I guess we'll find out. Immediately you see the fucking thing fizzle out. It was a one and done. Okay.

I need to roll two more times. Sorry, guys. What? It's a good thing you dodged it. Thank Christ you dodged it. I don't know. It still might be horrible because I rolled a six, a three, a six, a six, a three, a four, one, and a five. So 17 damage. Holy balls. You take 17 damage and the bar is now on fire from the front. You all, I assume, are sort of nearish the back, but at every turn it's going to spread further and further and eventually might take this place down unless you can find a way to extinguish it or get out. So now we should roll initiative because we're actually in combat. Okay. Mamma mia. Hachachachachach.

That's another natural 28 roll for initiative. I think I figured out what's happening is John's dice tower, it's in the words of control, an object of power. And the way it works is that it gives all of Beth's dice energy to our dice rolls. Actually, I just got a 19. Oh, shit. And I got a 7. I got to workshop this theory some more. I got a 4, technically.

Okay, so the timer just went off, which means that those zones are currently filling with poison. But because we're going into combat mode, that kind of like fucking Matrix-wise slows everything down. So it's not, you know, we're not going to worry about the real time 15 minutes during this part. It'll resume after the fight.

Freddie, it is your turn first. All right, so first move, Glenn's going to cast Dissonant Whispers. I whisper a discordant melody that only one creature of our choice within range can hear, racking it with terrible pain. Wisdom saving throw on a fail save, it's 3d6 psychic, and then immediately must move away from us as far as it can. Oh, wow. The Dissonant Whispers, of course, a hoarse whisper of mmm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You leave Hanson alone. We do not besmirch Hanson on this podcast. What's the number he has to save? That's a wisdom 14 saving throw. Ooh, he got a four.

So he takes psychic and must immediately use this reaction, if available, to move as far as its speed allows away from you. The creature doesn't move onto obviously dangerous ground such as fire or a pit. He just freaks out because of the discordant melodies of Hanson. He grabs his head and goes, ah, thick. That was his crap.

I've never even heard this before, but it's the worst thing I've ever heard. I'm going to have this stuck in my head all day. This is no Red Brand Trailer's Christmas album. And then he turns around and just kind of starts bolting. Guys, here's our chance. Let's get the fuck out of here. Well, should we try to save this place? No, I think it's going to go up. I think they've got a lot of alcohol in there. This place is going to be a giant fire. Basically, you have one round of all of you going, and then I'm going to roll if there's any fire left. I'll roll with advantage. If I get any higher than a 10, it's going to catch on to the bottles and start blowing some shit up. I

I think it's closing time, gentlemen. Grant, what's the good location to move to? The zones available to us are C for cafeteria, D for a deli slash slaughterhouse, F for fucking shit-ass toilet building, H for haberdashery, and J for jewel cutters. Because we are in G, we could go to F or H right away because they're adjacent. Any others will have to pass through other zones. I like the toilet. It's not flammable. Haberdashery, that's plants, right? No, that's a hat place. Oh.

Oh. Yeah. The kids call them lids.

I do not. There's places just for hats? Yeah, it's like a cool place you can get hats with all your favorite sports teams on them. And, you know, then there's fancy hat places. I mean, the ones here are like magic and stuff. They like do stuff. I think we should go to the hat place, guys. Now, the thing you need to know about fucking shit-ass toilet building is it has a very, very, very low chance when you search to have something like mind-blowingly incredible. The idea is that if you search there, it's all or nothing, essentially. You're not going to find anything that's like, okay, you're going to find literal shit or you're going to find like a legendary item.

I want to see this toilet building. We're in the middle of a fight right now, so I feel like Henry's not being as chill. Yeah, he's running away. Oh, he's running away. That's right. So you basically get two rounds of running, and maybe he'll chase after you, maybe he won't. Look, I'm definitely down for not having to kill people if we don't have to, and it feels like the toilet might be the best place to set up defenses. Yeah. I got my axe.

I don't need searching. The last thing we searched for was a gun and like, I don't think I could pull another trigger today. So I like that. I feel like I have it. A lot of people are going to be there. Grant says you know, the trigger, like making the decision. Yeah. The Royal says, and there's a gun went off today. We don't want to pull another gun. Both of you make deception. Will it with disadvantage? Cause Henry's bad at lying. I did a 17. I got a natural one.

he can't tell that his own dad is lying to him, but he can definitely tell that Henry is lying to him. I was very convincing. Yeah, you were, but he was so deeply, deeply unconvincing. He critical failed, which means that not only is he pretty sure that you're lying, he now is going to have a harder time trusting you in the future. So his face just goes like slack when he realizes like what happened. He says, you, you shot that guy. Yeah, I shot that guy, Grant.

Why did you lie to me? Because it was a lot in that moment. Fuck it. No, let's fucking, yeah, let's go to the toilet. Yeah, fuck it. That sounds great. Let's do that. I'm glad that we're doing this because, to be honest, my tummy was kind of hurting earlier. Oh, was it? Yeah, sounds great, Ron. Sounds great. Let's go to the fucking toilet building. Fantastic. Here we go. Which way is it, Grant? Fuck you, follow me. What do you think I'm doing? Jesus Christ, follow me. Okay, so the timer started again. We're out of combat. To be clear, Glenn single-handedly won that combat. Just want to point that all out.

Thanks, Glenn. Thank you. Glenn, I really appreciate the way you handled that without us having to get our hands dirty. Now I got Hanson stuck in my head, man. Dang it. Hey, what was that tune you were singing? I really liked it. It was a song called Mbop. You guys know Mbop? I don't, but it sounds delightful. You know, it was a bop. Next time I'm listening to the- We're here. No, we definitely have a moment. We have one of those shots, like the big helicopter shot in Fellowship of the Ring as we're all climbing up a mountain, but Mbop is playing. Mbop.

I'm always playing in the bars on fire behind you with a faceless elf there. Okay, so you arrive. And so every time you guys travel from one zone to another, I reduce the real time timer by five minutes. We have 10 minutes left before the next two zones get announced. So at zone F, the big toilet building. So it's basically just a bunch of really shitty ramshackle little sheds that kind of just seemingly exists to provide cover.

And then one building that has a massive sculpture of a toilet on the top of it that just literally smells like feces. So you get the feeling that people have actually in the longer games of four nights, people have used this place as a literal actual toilet. Wow. How big is the toilet? The toilet is like two stories tall. The building it's in is one story tall. And then the toilet on top of it is two stories tall. Structurally, is this like a toilet in that there is a bowl? There's a flusher. There's a bowl. There's a flusher. I mean, the flusher and all that stuff is decorative. It's not a functional toilet.

but you could go up there and like, you know, it smells like people actually have climbed up two stories and then took a dump in this two story toilet. Correct. And what do you mean the flusher doesn't work? Like somebody took a two story dump that big that it couldn't flush anymore. I,

There are giants that roam the realm. You're going to have to experiment with this shit to find out more about the way that this toilet works. I will. But that's as much as Grant knows. This is going to be a weird time to say this, but Daryl, you think you could fire up that grill? What?

I took a pretty nasty hit in that last encounter, and I don't know how long it takes to whip up a steak so I could maybe, you know, solve some of these wounds. I will say that due to the intense smell of human feces right now, I don't think anybody would smell barbecue. Give away our position. Am I right, Daddy Master? That smell of shit would hide any sort of barbecue smell. Oh, yeah, absolutely. They would cancel each other out. That said, your healing is going to be halved while you're fucking eating shit-smelling steak.

How long does the grill take? The grill takes a couple minutes. It's magical. Okay, cool. What are you putting on the grill? I like a couple of carrots for me. I was going to have a carrot dog. I don't do vegetables on the grill. You don't? Well, I'm pretty sure this, Henry, I would actually, but this magical grill is only for magical meat. I don't.

I don't think I heard him saying, I'm a vegetarian, so if you can help me out, maybe by losing your condescending attitude. What about magical meat that is not meat currently, but was meat when it was in somebody's stomach?

I don't think that's going to work for my diet either. I don't mean to be difficult about it. I'll just heal myself. If you recall, the grill specifically says the meat you cook has to be meat you've hunted. Oh, so we can't just do it. Well, I'll allow you to forage, but instead of... I'm not foraging for carrots or

Instead of foraging for wood or stone, you can forge for meat. I take a glance around to see if there's any small game in the area. You know, forget I asked. Well, I'm doing it because I could use some meat. I got hurt also. The first thing you smell an open sewer and you're like, I could use a steak right now. It's the heel, Glenn. I got a four, so I'm assuming I didn't see shit. Well, you did see shit. That's all I saw. Just mainly saw a lot of shit. Grant, you said that there's like

Magical items here? Yeah, so basically if we search here, there's always a chance that somebody died having something really, really good on themselves that fell into the shit and then nobody had the courage to go and get it because it's shit. I'm going to cast Detect Magic, which allows me to sense the presence of magic within 30 feet of me. All right. You can tell that there is something magical inside the bowl.

But you'll still have to find a way. A, you'll have to find a way to get up there. But B, once you are there, you'll get an advantage on your search role inside the bowl. Guys, I think there's some magic shit in the shit bowl. Is there stairs or something like that? We could build stairs. My God, yeah. Wooden stairs. Up to the bowl. Plus, the bowl would be a good place to scout out for enemies. Yeah. And to keep an eye on the rest of the land. Yeah.

Or, I mean, we could even build stilts out of the wood if we wanted one of us to sort of venture around and look out for enemies. That's true. Wait, wait. If you put the stilts on and then you put the holographic pants on the stilts, would it look like you're a giant creature? I'm going to take a couple of wood pieces.

and do this. I think, all right, Ron, you work on the stilts project. We're going to build the stairs and get up there. Ron, you're going to build the stilts? Yes. That's going to take seven wood. Do you have seven wood? I have 14. Now I have seven. Perfect. Okay. So that's your go. Okay. So Ron, you're going to stilt up because I like the idea of...

intimidating everyone by thinking we got a giant on our side and I'll go look for wood and Daryl, you can, you know, use your craftsman school. Maybe you and grant can have a fun father son projects and help build these stairs together. Yeah. There's not a lot of fun going on, but we'll definitely get a, we'll, we'll definitely grant while we go search for some items. Yeah, sure. Sounds great. All right. Oh, I thought you was building the stairs. Oh, we're going to, we need more wood. You can search for crafting materials or you can search for items.

Okay, guys, we don't have enough wood to build stairs. Okay, so Grant and you are searching for wood. Yeah, we'll search for wood then. Maybe you could find some wood glue to repair that relationship as well. Yeah, that's a good idea, Ron. You know, wood glue is stronger than the original father-son bond. Exactly. Stronger than the... Grant takes a D6 because he's definitely fucking heard that shit before. It takes four damage. Henry, why don't you go ahead and roll for what you're doing? Uh,

I got a 19. That's 19 wood. Great. 19 wood or, uh, 10 stone. Okay. I'll do wood. 19 wood. All right. Uh, six wood. All right. All right. Six wood. Grant will, uh, do that, but he'll do the disadvantage cause he didn't give a shit. Uh,

He got 15 wood even with disadvantage. Wow. So that's a 40 total wood. Grant, good job on that wood there, man. Yeah, cool. Let's build these stairs. Let's check out what's in the toilet, everybody. Okay. So is Glenn, what would Glenn do? I'll look for items in the area around here. I know there's something in the bowl, but I guess I'll just serve her something right now. Sure. Go ahead, Freddie. That's a 12 investigation roll. Just see if there's anything around the base of the toilet. Not good enough. Yeah, this place is so... Now is the wax seal in place?

The wax seal? Yeah, so when the toilet gets built, you know, there's a wax seal. It's really important that you make sure that that wax seal is seated correctly. Otherwise, it'll get leaks and you'll probably mess up your subfloor. Is this Freddie talking or measure once, cut twice, Glenn talking? Ha ha ha!

Because Glenn doesn't know shit. Both Freddie and Glenn happen to know a little bit of a way around repairing toilets. Matthew slash Daryl. Wow, Dad's got testy this episode. Daryl's proud. Daryl's like, hell yeah, Glenn. What has to happen in a man's life for him to be that good at repairing toilets? Nothing good. So nothing, though. But the wax seal's probably pretty intact. I mean, it's not a real toilet, so like...

Again, it's just a very large statue of a toilet. But if it's not a real toilet, why is everyone pooping in it, Anthony? You want me to explain human nature to you? I don't know. Just because I see a toilet doesn't mean I will just go and poop in it. Here's a question. How many people do you think have shat inside show toilets at a Home Depot? Because I bet you the answer is more than zero. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Good point. Good point. Oh, my gosh. To be fair, Glenn's on that one. If Matt saw a two-story tall toilet in the middle of nowhere and he could get to the top, he would definitely have to take a shit in the toilet. How many people do you think have fallen to death trying to take a shit in that toilet? There definitely could be some corpses when you get up there. I'm very excited to see what's up here. All right, let's get up these stairs. So first I'm making a roll on the encounter table.

Cool. So while you all are doing this stuff, Grant is sort of looking around with a very dead expression in his eyes, like he's just sort of checked out. But then he sees some... Whoops, sorry. So you hear the speakers that you heard earlier on before Greg Proops got shot down, and you hear this, like...

And then you hear not Greg Proops, but the other head voiced by Will. You're the only one that's alive. Greg Proops died. You are now alone in this body. Oh boy. Four nights fans. It's,

*laughs*

And for people, anyone who's in Zone F with the fucking shit-ass toilet building, you're already dealing with some poison gas. They're coming out of that toilet, but I gotta say, things are about to get a lot... Stinkier! Oh, God! My brother is dead! All right, and then the mic cuts out. Wait, is it jewel cutters? Like, is it that kind of vapor?

Oh my God. Oh my God. Is it Jewel? J-U-U-L. If you went there, I will say that you will find both precious gems and Jewel vape pens. And vapes. Grant, there's vapes in Jewel Cutters. I don't vape. Oh. Yeah. We get it. You don't vape.

I'm not very proud of that. Okay, so we have how long until this place is... Nick said everyone, Faith. So in 15 minutes, the poison will start to come. So we're going to have to get out of here, but Glenn, you said that there's something in there. Let's check. It's something magical. Something good? Yes. Okay. We got to see if there's something in this toilet before we get out of here. Otherwise, why did we build these stairs? All right. Daryl goes running up the stairs. I just keep thinking about the home team.

I would do it. 14 minutes, 30 seconds. Darryl runs up the stairs. Yeah, well, one of you has to spend your action building and then everybody else can spend actions doing different things. Darryl, build these stairs as I run up them. Okay. Yeah, Darryl, you know, knowing how to measure twice and cut once. Build expert stairs. Okay, so this would be a time when actually you would want to measure once, cut twice for speed, but... So it's very much like fucking...

the wrong trousers from Walton Gromit where Gromit's putting down the train tracks ahead of the train kind of thing as Glenn runs up the stairs. You're just like forming the stairs beneath him. I'm going to peek my head over the rim. Okay. So you see literally one of the worst things you've ever seen. Although actually, you know what, to you, it's not that dissimilar because you're in a band. So like you, you see a lot of shit, you see a lot of bodies. Um,

And you can sense that there's something down there, but you're going to have to go ahead and get your hands dirty. Hey guys, this is a real like end of Woodstock kind of situation in there. Can you tell what's in there? There's something magical. I can tell because my spell allows me to see things slightly glow. Can you see the shape? I can't. I can just tell there's a light glow for something. So I'm going to, I guess I'm just going to dive into the shit. Whoa, do you have a back? How are you going to get out? Let's get a rope on you. It is shallow enough that you can maybe crawl back out. You'll have to do a dexterity check to crawl back out. Okay, well, can we roll? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I have a spell for this.

Hey, Glenn. Yeah. If you need to get back out of that toilet, it sounds like you might as well jump. And then I cast jump on Glenn, which triples his jump distance until the spell ends. Oh my God. So you got mad for it for one minute, my dude. All right. Hell yeah. Awesome.

Okay, so roll your investigation check with advantage. You want to get over a 20. Over a 20 in terms of investigation. Yeah, because this place is high risk, high reward. Okay. Oh, wait, wait, wait. While he's jumping in, I'm going to cast Speak with Plants, and then I'm going to ask a nearby blade of grass voiced by Anthony Birch in a flawless blade of grass voice.

Blade of grass, I wish to commune with thee. What's up? What does the forest say about what treasures may be hidden in that toilet bowl? Oh, if we don't fucking go up there, that's nasty.

This is my new favorite voice. Have ye heard any rumors, any tidings, perhaps from the trees themselves who can see into the bowl of any valuable items that may have fallen therein? Yeah, the Demodorm sword is up there. It's a sword of adjustable length. It's basically a lethal tape measure. Its weight and its length are proportional and it can be infinitely long.

Well, not infinitely long. It'll be really, really long. And that was made by Ryan Peterson. Thank you, Ryan. Thank you, Blade of Grass. No problem. Hey, Glenn! Yeah? You're looking for a stretchy length sword, kind of like a tape measurer. What I'm kind of hoping here is that I can give him advantage on his search because he knows what he's looking for. Well, he already had advantage. Double advantage. How much advantage can you give me? Yeah, we'll give you double advantage. Double advantage. Be much rumored.

D&D first, ladies and gentlemen. What does double advantage grant me? Advantage on my advantage rolls? It means you get to roll three times to take the best of the three rolls. So, Anthony, I rolled three times. Six, 17, and seven. With an investigation, unfortunately, I only get up to a 19. I was going to say, if somebody else dives in with them, can it help the investigation? It can't be you because you spent your action building the stairs, but Ron could do it.

Ron, get in there. How about Glenn? Ron, be a trooper. I'll be a pooper instead. That works. I'm going to hop on in the poop. Okay, go ahead and roll investigation with advantage. Okay, a 15. Okay, so go ahead and roll again. Eight. Okay, so no dice there. That's your go. So I'm going to roll on the encounter table again. Matt, your hand's itching. Why don't you roll ahead and roll a perception? I got a 13. 13, okay.

Yeah, everything's fine. So now everybody go again. If you want to keep searching, you can. So you have eight minutes before poison starts to flood this place. Do I still have triple advantage because I know exactly what I'm looking for? 19 is the highest I got again off three rolls. I'm using an app. Damn you app and your real generated numbers. 15 plus four. That's 19. So 14 plus four. I'm sorry. So they're just hunting around for poop. Yeah, seems like it's another hunting around for poop. What's Grant doing? Grant's gone.

As I was saying, after the first roll on the encounter table, all of a sudden he saw something move through the trees and this like look of something akin to happiness appeared on his face. And while you were building the stairs, he sort of wandered off in the direction of what he saw in the forest. So since I asked immediately after building those stairs, do I see the direction he went in? Yeah, you can follow him. I go, Grant, Grant. Guys, guys, Grant's ran. I gotta go get Grant. Keep looking for that sword. Henry, come help. Okay, I'm on it. We start running towards Grant.

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So you see Grant standing at odds against two people that actually seem to be around his age. One of them is a really cute girl with red hair, and the other one is a kid with an eyepatch and a skateboard that seems to be attached to his feet. Holy shit. Wait, wait. The skateboard's attached to his feet? What do you mean? Like, the skateboard is his feet. He's just skateboard from the ankles down. That's, like, his thing. I still can't tell if you're just doing a metaphor. He's really good at skateboarding. He is literally grafted to the skateboard. Okay, okay.

Dude, it's like you're literally grafted to your board. And so Grant is up against the... His back is up against the tree. And the two are staring him down and he looks kind of small and almost like he's being threatened, but he's also smiling. I put my hand out to Black Daryl.

Like Daryl fucking let this play out for a second. We don't know. Hey, hey, Grant. So he turns and he sees you and immediately his fucking shoulders slump. And he just goes, oh, God, don't, don't, don't. These are good guys. These are my friends. We're not going to hurt them. We just want to make sure you're OK. I'm fine.

I was fine, and now I'm less... Are these your friends? Hey, kiddos. Oh, God, no. My name's Darrell Wilson. Nice to... Oh, no. Darrell Wilson, nice to meet you guys. No, no, no. I'm Grant's dad. This is my pal, Henry. Henry, come say hi to these kids. Hello, kids. Or should I say, what's up, teens? What's up, kids?

Oh, God. So immediately, the girl. I didn't think you could get meeting your kids' friends in this podcast. The boy, oh boy, here we are. The girl like very politely smiles and like shakes both of your hands. Well, we got to hear more about this handshake from Daryl and this girl in detail. This is like a big first impression. Pause that timer. Pause that timer. This is an important moment.

All right. Actually, I'm going to pause time for this whole thing. Because this is, he's sizing up. This is a potential romantic interest, you know? What? Not for him. Not for him. For Grant. Oh, shit. No, it's not that kind of podcast. No. No. The girl reaches out for a handshake. What kind of handshake do you give a girl that's the same age as your son? Oh, I like a nice hand. Like, you know, it's still firm, but not like, I'm not going to hurt her hand. Okay. So she gives you a pretty firm one. It's like, it's not enough to hurt, but it's like, she's like clearly intended. I say, little lady, what's your name? She goes, my name is Killa DeMall. Killa.

Sorry, did you say kill them all? No, my name is Killa space Demol. Okay, that's a nice name. She was named by Eric Sispulski. Thank you, Eric. I like that. And then the boy does a kickflip, which again is weird because it's like he's connected to the fucking board. It's like they're like bungee connected. He does a kickflip and then sort of like turns around and then puts his head on his shoulder like he's giving you the stink eye with his one eye. And he goes, the name's Yeet Bigly. Yeet Bigly?

He does not shake your hand. Nice Ollie there, Leet. Thank you, Bryce Baker, by the way. That's so funny. And that's a kickflip, you doofus. Oh, kickflip. Very cool. Well, nice to meet you. I put my hand out. He doesn't shake it. He goes, it smells like shit, so I'm going to not risk that. Yeah, we were in the big old toilet over there. I would not go in there if I were you. Daryl, I got this. Sick flip, bro, up top. And I go for a high five. That's a roll of persuasion. Yeah.

Man, this podcast. Yes. And 19. He doesn't even look at you, but his hand just goes up and perfectly hits your his posture says I don't give a shit. But the sheer crispness of that high five says that he appreciates. I explained to Daryl. Yes. Sometimes kids are skating around the museum. And, you know, I got to tell him no skateboarding at the museum. And like, you know, so I've just developed a bit of rapport. I get some of the lingo. I wasn't in on the skateboarding thing at first. But then, Grant, you were telling me it's like it's a sport.

What you do is very difficult there. Oh, my God. Oh, just stop. You're not making it better. It's sounding more condescending. So what's going on, kids? Are you also Four Nights players? Are you part of this Nintendo? He bigly says, we're not just players. We're winners. I mean, never number one, but we've survived a fair number of these games. And Cal goes, yeah, absolutely. We're really big fans of competing in Four Nights. It gives us a lot of really cool equipment that we can use to sell and keep our mom in hospice care. We're very sympathetic. Oh, I see.

Are you brother and sister? Yeah, we're brother and sister. Okay, so you're like a team. Can we just all join the same team? Is that how Fortnite works? Can we all be the same team so we don't, you know, we can help each other all out here? Yeah, I mean, that's what we did with your boy Grant. And then he goes, yeah, your boy Grant is real fucking good at Fortnite. Oh, hell yeah. He's never killed anybody, but he's great at building, he's great at finding, and he's great at being a good pal. How about you guys? The meta right now is that you can just be good building and do pretty well in Fortnite. You're shouting that from the toilet bowl. The meta!

How about you two kiddos? You've killed anybody? Yeah. Yeah. But we're not psyched about it, says Ye Bigly. We try not to. It's easier to sort of survive on your own. We're not really ones for a lot of combat. How old are you two? We're the same age as your son. How old is Grant? Grant?

Careful, Matt. There's a lot of speculation. How old is Grant? Somebody on Reddit asked what the ages of all the kids were, and I just responded, yes. I feel like he's probably 13. We were saying that it was a pretty big range in the soccer team, which is why I can have... It's a K-8 school. He's on the upper end. So he's 13. So they're all 13. And I will also say that people are like, oh, they seem young. I'm like, do you not remember 13-year-olds? There are some mature-ass 13-year-olds, and there are some wild cards. Hey, that's my sons you're talking about.

So, yeah, we're all the same age. Okay. That's just... These kids go through a lot in this role. Yeah, you know, it's tough. I do think maybe we should kind of zero in here and come up with a game plan. Yeah, so... So you must be the hotties. Is that right? Kellogg goes, uh-huh. And then Yeet just sort of crooks a thumb at himself. He goes, why don't you tell me? I'm not going to do that. So role perception with advantage, Daryl. Okay. With advantage...

That is a 19. So with a 19, the second that he bigly pointed himself and says, you tell me, Grant blushes very hard.

I knew it. Grant, what's going on there, buddy? You look a little flush. Oh, my God. Dad! What? No, it's hot outside. I was going to say it's really hot outside right now. You're looking a little sweaty, buddy. He and Kel turn, and they see him just blushing, and then he just immediately freezes up, and he literally puts his hands over his face, and he just goes, Dad, no! And Kel's like, oh, what's wrong? Are you okay? Are you sick? Or what's going on? And he's like, yeah, man, what's the deal? What's going on? And he's like, please don't.

This has to be a dream. This is worse than everything. I hear you, Grant. It's pretty hot outside. I'm getting pretty sweaty, too. I feel like we should... Oh, don't mention sweat. Oh, Jesus. No, no, no. My back. Oh, my God. You sweat so much. Oh, no, stop. Yeah.

Right down the crack right now. Oh, no! I think... Henry is like, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. He literally curls into the fetal position and is just like going, no! I think us and the hotties should get down to... We got two friends down there, really powerful warriors. They can help out. I think we should all stick together. Go where? Oh, to the shit toilet. The shit toilet's about to... No, we're just going to help them out, then we're going to go to our next place. We just can't leave our friends behind. So meanwhile, back at the toilet...

Did they just leave us to dig through a big pile of shit by ourselves, Ron? Yeah, they said something about West Indian lilac poisoning the dinosaurs. God damn it. That's so... Jurassic Park. Oh my god. Oh my god. If this was a JRPG dating simulator, it'd be like, you've spent some quality time with Ron. My indicator just went up a little bit. You bonded over shit.

How long has it been since I cast Jump? Oh, yeah. It's definitely been more than a minute. Yeah, there's been a second there. And Ron didn't have it. Ron's got his stilts, I guess. My stilts. That's true. So to paint the picture, Ron is on his stilts very quickly.

very gently standing around and pointing at things and then Glenn is just covered head to toe in excrement blood and guts. If you're considering drawing that as fan art, maybe don't. How about this one? I feel like Ron is just stomping grapes in a winery just like...

Let's just do one more check for it, Ron. Let's go one more time. I'm just going to spread out my whole body on this poop so that if something's there, I can really feel it. Again, 10, 13, 15. Can they get possibly more? Because if they're scooping poop out, it should be getting... I'll reduce the AC of the search, yeah. So you only got 19. Still no. I'm 17 highest on that last roll. I got 18. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. Ron, hey, Ron, fuck this. Okay, I've got an idea. I was just thinking that since we're in sewage...

It might be helpful to have somebody who knows a little more about sewage. You see, you and I, we merely adopted the sewage. But the rats out of Manhattan vermin, they were born in the sewage. And they might be able to find something better than we can. That's a good idea. It's too bad none of us can talk to them. Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha!

Oh, shit. Can we come back? So the second you say you come back, I'm starting the timer, and you have three minutes and 44 seconds. And when the poison starts coming out, then every real-life minute you're in the poison, you'll have to take a D6 of damage. Okay. So just be ready for that. All right, we're starting right now. And you are back now. Hey, is Henry over there? I mean...

I mean, Henry. Who's Will? Will you come talk to a couple rats? You bet your ass I can, but we gotta hightail it out of here. I run up the stairs. Okay. Okay, cool. I hold out the head of vermin. I say, head of vermin, head of vermin.

ship me out a couple of rats. I think I'll take three. All right, three rats come out. So Yeet, how expensive is a skateboard like that? If I was going to get one for Grant, if I was going to get one for Grant, Grant, have you thought about skateboarding? Is this something you like? I was born on those blades, baby. I cast Speak With Animals on the rats. So the rats are like, all right, all right, ooh, a lot of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Love the shit, love the shit. Can you go look for a cool sword for us? Oh, fuck yeah, why not? I'm going to run my investigation role. All right.

Oh, I finally got one. 18. 18. Okay, so with the 18... And assisted by the rats. Assisted by the rats, the rat grabs what looks like a magical tape measure in its mouth and starts pulling. But you can tell as it pulls that there's something else in there if you want to keep searching. I'll roll.

So 16. You basically pull out a pair of orbs and you pull out a tape measure. I try to jump and I fail. I cast jump on you. I just hug one of Ron's stilts. I'm like, let's get out of here, Ron. I use my powerful quads to propel up from the sewage. Roll acrobatics. Gosh darn it. You're going to have to have me roll something.

Acrobatics. That's going to be a 19. Ooh, perfect. All right. You definitely leap out with your stilts from the shit statue and you land with a horrible splorch. So I take off my polo shirt and then take off my undershirt. Are you taking polos? I'm sure for a second I said, whoa, man, you're covering in shit there, Glenn. Here you go. I toss him my undershirt. Oh, my God.

And then I put my polo shirt back on. Oh, man, that felt good, though. Sweaty day. Guys, let's get out of here. Oh, God. I don't know if this is worse. Your son is just so upset. Okay, so you guys are adjacent to Egg Farm, which is full of poison, or the tavern that you came from, PUBG. Well, Hotties, what do you guys recommend? I would probably go back to the tavern.

Oh, problem. That tavern's lit on fire. Do you want to be a poison? It's not poison gas, so I think let's go to the tavern. All right. So cool. You manage to make it back to the tavern. As you hear poison gas begin to seep out of the pores of the ground behind you in the shit-ass fucking shit-ass toilet building. Hold on. As we're leaving, though, I'd like to take a quick second to do a perception check of the poison gas coming out of the ground is what you're saying. I just want to get a little more on that. I'm right there with you.

That's a 14 plus 2, 16 investigation on that. So that's good enough to know that something magical is causing to happen. Why don't you now roll Arcana? Arcana is a 14 plus 2, 16. Okay, so you can tell, even though you don't know a lot about this world, you can tell... But I know a lot about, like, crystals and shit. Yeah, yeah. You can tell... He played in a band called Arcana back in the 90s.

You can tell that the... We wrote a song about this. That this is a poison spell, a poison gas spell that is being... It's not being done randomly. It's like a person is doing that and they must be within some certain proximity of the map. They're here because the poison's coming from the ground. They could be underground. There could be an underground wizard making all the poison come out. Whoa.

Okay, so the items that you got, one of them is... This one is made by Ryan Peterson. It's called the Dimmadome Sword. It is a sword of adjustable length. It's a lethal tape measure. Its weight and its length are proportional. I'm going to say its maximum length is like 100 yards. It's like a football field. Nice. So you can make it go really long. Hell yeah. But the idea is the longer it goes, the more... The more heavy it is. That's what she said. And then the...

And then the other item, oh, also by Ryan Pearson. Jeez, well done, dude. Our teleportation orbs. These are two handheld indestructible orbs that allow the user to instantly teleport between them. The orbs need to recharge between uses. That's what she said. Based on... Fuck, that's really good. Fuck.

You get inspiration. Holy shit. You get inspiration. That's opposite of a dad joke. Yeah, but it's too good though. That needs to be encouraged. The timer's recharge is based on the difference traveled. Just don't let them touch. The orbs cannot touch.

What happens if they touch? I don't know. It just says don't let them touch. I guess I'll decide. Oh, this seems like a cool cross the streams moment we can do later. Quick dad huddle really quick. Yes. Hey, I feel like 15 feet away from the new 15 minute timer is now starting. Super quick. I feel like we should give one of those orbs to Grant because if he gets transported. Oh, shit. Like, oh, hell yeah. Sneak it into Grant. Oh, shit. Sneak it into Grant's pocket. Oh, no. No. No. My arm. Ah.

But remember, but here's the thing, guys. It's only one person's going to go, right? Like, oh, shit. Yeah, you can't all touch the orb. Yeah, but maybe Grant can come back.

Or I can go to Grant. So slip it. Oh, a sleight of hand. We don't have to slip it. I think we just ask Grant to hold on to this orb. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Grant. Yeah. Hold on to this orb. Come join the dad hole, buddy. I don't want to be anywhere near you right now. I think I'm cool over here with my friends trying to undo the damage that you just did to my cool factor. Okay. Let me try this. Grant, buddy, I'm going to give you some advice. It's something that Glenn and I were talking about when we were in the toilet. Okay.

You why? Why is this how things are right now? You have I hold the orb and I hold it in front of Grant. And I said, you have so many relationships in this life. Only one or two will last. You go through all this pain and strife and then you turn your back and they're gone so fast.

And then I give him the orb. Just hold on to that. Yeah, Grant, just hold on to that, buddy. It's a teleporter. We can, if you get lost or I get lost, we'll be able to find a way back so

So it's all good. Thanks, guys. So hold on the ones who really care. And in the end, they'll be the only ones there. Grant, why are you weirded out by that? Remember, you used to love the Hansons. Those are your favorite bands. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, remember?

Remember in third grade you did that for the talent show and it was with your friends but only you went up there so it was you by yourself doing it? Yep, I remember that distinctly. Great memory. Thanks for bringing that up. Thank you so much, Dad. You can plant any of those. Keep planting to find out which one grows. I remember that. It's a secret. No,

one knows. Because I came up and then I sang it with you. Could you just use that sword and just kill it? Could you just drive it straight through my brain? I don't know if I can do that. I'm just sort of busy cleaning myself off with this really sweaty rag. So I'm just basically covered in like shit and sweat. And hey, just give me one second, guys. You guys are just the nastiest people right now. The tavern is completely burned down now. So basically you were in...

A pretty boring spot. You were just in a clearing with the burnt out remains of a pub and the body of Goose Loose Van Goose. And currently, oh yikes, you see two other competitors. Oh boy. You can see a drider, which is a large arachnid creature with a torso of a woman. So basically some Dark Souls shit. And then you see the Oni that you scared off is back. Are they fighting each other? Yeah, I was just about to roll for that.

So yes, they are fighting each other. But do they see you is the question. Oh, yes, they do. What do you do? Can we go to another zone? Can we just leave? You absolutely can if you want to. How many zones are open still? So the haberdashery is adjacent to you and that is open and not poisoned. Okay. Or you can always sprint through any poisoned zone. You'll basically take only one round of damage from it.

Also, the damage increases depending on how many zones overall are poisoned. But you only take one round of damage from sprinting through any individual zone. But you will roll with disadvantage on the encounter tables because like more people will hear you and maybe come to your. And we can probably let them play it out. You thought out this mechanic. I don't think it'll work, but it sounds like it's good. I think we let them slug it out and we go to the haberdashery. Yeah, the sun's hot. None of us want sunburns. We all get some caps on. I actually have some natural sunscreen on right now in a way.

That's true. In many... My camo is like way up, right? Visually. Yes. Oh, absolutely. Smell-wise. You're like Solid Snake, but the worst kind. Runny Snake.

Yeah, I say we make a run for the haberdashery, guys. Okay, cool. So that'll take you five minutes. Make a dash for the... Never mind. All right, so you are down to... We're down to five minutes before we find out where the next zone is coming up. What is the haberdashery all about? So the haberdashery, it's a store with a shitload of hats on the outside. Every single fun, whimsical hat you could imagine. What is this, Team Fortress 2? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you know what? Yeah. Yes, canonically, every hat that you've seen in Team Fortress 2 is at this haberdashery on the outside of it. And then inside, you can see a bunch of other hats and also suits and clothing and apparel and all that kind of stuff. So you get the feeling that, yes, the USA show suits. You get the feeling that if you go inside and search, you might find some apparel that you can wear. I'm also going to roll on the encounter table.

All right. You're fine. You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it right now. There is nobody here. All right, guys. What kind of hats do you want? I think we should scout out what's in this store. And I think Glenn in particular, no offense, but you could use some new duds, my man. Yeah. Yeah. You actually come to think of it. None of us have changed our clothes in the weeks upon weeks in which we've been in this realm at this point. Right? Like, like I, I,

All I know is my Birkenstocks are covered in gore and viscera. It's been a stinky ride. I feel like maybe we could all use like a makeover. Haberdashery is just hats, right? Well, he said they had suits and stuff, too. A haberdashery is just any place that sells men's clothing and accessories. It's not just hats. Oh. So we can get properly pimped out. You can. Oh, wow. They got Tommy Bahama shirts here. Oh, my God. Guys, can we upgrade to cargo shorts? They have wizard Tommy Bahama shirts. Full on dad ass.

Tommy Waterdeep. I would like to purchase... There's nothing to purchase. Nobody's there. I would like to purchase 14 pairs of cargo pants in increasingly large sizes. And then I would also like a t-shirt that says, keep calm and carry on. And then I want a hat. I want a hat that says, I searched for my son in the forgotten realms and all I got was this lousy hat.

Okay, so go ahead and roll investigation. It's a 12 plus 4, so 16. You definitely find a shirt that says keep calm and carry on, and that's it. Are there magical items here as well? There are also magical items. I'm going to also in this time cast detect magic once again, and any magical items will highlight themselves to me. God damn it, Ryan Peterson, I guess your style of making items is just my kink. This is so hot. So you find liquid proof boots.

So they are fully liquid proof, which means they are physically incapable of coming in contact with any liquid. A little late for that. That would have been useful 15 minutes ago. Liquid proof boots. Yes. Interesting. Okay. Wait, what size are they? Why don't you roll? 14? They are size 14. So they're for like a half giant, like a big dude. Can I roll for how big Ron's feet are? I'm not...

I'm not scared. All right, go ahead. Wait, I can't have these shoes because I happen to roll big? No, I mean, you can wear them. It'll just be, they'll be kind of uncomfortable. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You'll look like a doof. Well. 18 inches. You have very large feet.

And dot, dot, dot. And big socks. I mean, you have to be, yeah. Hey, uh, uh, hotties, are you, are you guys good? Uh, clothing wise? Yeet. Bigly. Uh, obviously. Are you, are you kidding me? Okay. Why don't you guys go ahead and can you just watch the perimeter while we get some clothes so that, you know, we can be as cool as you, because we want to definitely measure up to you guys.

Oh, my God. Although if it's feet, we definitely measure. Ron's a big boy over there. Grant is like literally on his knees with embarrassment. And he just grabs Yeet Bigley's like coattails. He just goes, I am so sorry. Grant, let's get some clothes. Oh, God. Oh, no. This is the other horrible thing. Shopping with your fucking parents. Oh, no. Okay. So, yeah. Yeet Bigley and Kelly Demall walk outside. Yeah. We'll holler if we see anything. No, they don't. That's something an old man would say.

They go outside and they go, yeah, we'll yeet if we see anything. Yeah.

Okay, so... Hold on. What does that mean? What's yeeting? Yeeting is throwing something for power. So I will throw a brick through the window if somebody comes. That's a good way to get our attention, for sure. That's true. I like that. I also like that Will was able to roleplay Henry not knowing what yeeting is, which gave him a safe way to find out the answer for himself. So the best tweet of all time, other than the Mia Farrow tweet, is yeet is for power and distance, and Kobe is for accuracy. Ha ha ha!

I love that. That's very good. So, I mean, Glenn is going to just, you know, change into some regular clothes and hopefully smell a little less like shit. So what do I see if me and Grant are just walking down the aisles of clothing? You see suits for goblins that are sort of in his size, sort of like really like nicely tailored things that'll be a little bit weird around the midsection, but otherwise look pretty good on him. You see like a bunch of T-shirts with just pictures of famous unfortunate fighting children on them. There's none of Peyton, so don't even look for it.

Nobody gives a fuck about Peyton. Hey, Graham, buddy, I don't know what you wear, but pick anything you want. This one's on me, and I look around because there's no... You can get anything. It's free. There's nobody here. No, I got that. Okay. So are you going to get anything? No.

Why not? Whatever like joy you saw in his face or even just the emotion that he had, he goes right back to completely fucking emotionless when he's just with you. Why not? Because I don't need anything. I'm fine. I'm good. Okay. Well, Grant, if you see a cap that says I lost my kid in the Forgotten Realms and all I got was this lousy hat, could you could you yeet?

Me no. I wanted to just quickly talk to the hotties and be like, hey, guys, what's up? Not much. What's up with you? Yeah, pretty chill. Is that board? So he does a handstand and just sort of shoves the board in your face. Oh, shit. Yeah, man. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Yeah. You dark slide to it. Do I? Yeah, I can dark slide. Hell yeah. You write anything?

Yeah. Back in the day, I used to skate street. Street? Yeah. That's fucking cool. Yeah.

Tell him about the Christ air. Let me re-enter that. Yeah, back in the day. He used to do vert, actually. Vert. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. And he spins around on his hands as he's going, damn, damn, damn, damn. Yeah, bro. Christ air was my move. Oh, Christ air. I can't even do Christ air. Not yet. Who is Christ in this world? He's shredded for our sins. Ron is everywhere.

In my defense, I still have the stilts and I can cover more ground. Also, the timer went up, so I'm going to announce... Because we dicked around. Because you dicked around for quite a while.

Craig Proops' brother. Why don't you go ahead and tell us that the cafeteria and the deli are about to fill with poison gas. Hey, y'all, it's whatever I said my name was earlier. I don't remember because I just took some calming mushrooms to help me compartmentalize my grief over the rotting corpse of my brother, which is attached to my body. And I'm here to tell you that the following zones are about to get p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-

What were the zones again? C and D. For those cool cats in the cafeteria, lunchtime's over because you're getting a second serving of poison coming your way. And if you're still hungry, don't go to the deli because the deli, in addition to having bad meats that will give you the tooth and send you to that poison toilet, is also going to fill with poison. This has been whatever my name is, repressing my feelings.

Okay, just so you know, once those two go up, there will only be two zones remaining that don't have poison in them. The tavern and the haberdasher where you currently are. Okay, great. Sure. I mean, I know, I know you, any clothes you want, you know, I know you like those. You want to be part of the hotties. So if you want anything here, whatever chances I had of being part of the hotties, it is over now.

Clothes has nothing to do with it. That is gone. That is well and truly gone. Oh, I know you think your old man ruins everything, but I tell you what. You do ruin everything. You killed a guy and then you lied to me about it. You won't tell me what the fuck is going on with you. There's still something that happened before that I don't know. You're going to eat my flesh apparently. Also, that's a thing. You won't explain fucking anything to me. This is the most typical. You just put on a fucking happy face and just pretend everything's cool. Don't bother talking about it. Why would you talk? Why talk about something that fucking bothers you? Why? Why would you?

Of course not. No, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm great. You know what? Never mind. I'm going to put on this suit. Ha ha. Look at me in my suit. I put my hand on his shoulder. That is a son. I love you. But that's a terrible suit. That's for that's for a goblin. We'll get you a different suit. But look, I'm going straight with you right now. It's there's a lot going on. And I'm not going to lie to you. There is you. You were put into slavery. There's been a lot of stuff happening, right? Yeah. A lot of stuff happened to us, too. We found the other kids and we lost them.

And frankly, I'm scared I'm going to lose you too right now, even if we save you, if we get out of this crazy game where we're the last people alive. And there's other stuff going on. There's some very adult stuff. There's stuff going on with your dad. But you have to trust me that I can't talk about all right now because we're in the middle of this. And I'm sorry I lied about the gun, but these guys were trying to help me because they didn't want you to know that I did it. And I'll be honest, it's not the first person that we've had to kill in this situation. And I'm not dealing with it great. And sometimes I do just laugh to make it happen.

We've killed many people. Yeah, Ron especially has tried to kill many people. I just need you to know that right now, I love you, and I will talk to you about it once we're done with this Fortnite hellhole that we're currently in right now. And I know you're mad, and I expect you to be, because actually, you know, everybody gets mad at their dad, but just know that for the next 12 hours or whatever it is, we have to get through this, and then we will talk, and you can ask me any question, and I will respond and tell you to do you straight.

Okay. All right. Well, that's a good talk. Now let's get you a good suit. No, I don't. I don't want a suit. I'm good. I'm fucking. I'm fine. All right. Fine. He just walks out seemingly exactly as upset as he was before. Hmm.

That's Darryl's sound. He knows he's not. He didn't do well. Well, bone that one up, Darryl. Hey, man. It's you. You know... Oh, Henry, were you right here listening? Look, Darryl, all I was going to say is, like, I get it. It's tough connecting with kids at these ages. But, you know, I think you did good. So don't beat yourself up too bad about it. You know, he'll come around. You know, assuming we all make it out of this alive. I appreciate that. Henry?

I'll grill you up that carrot. Hell yeah. But let's grill down after we get out of this mess. I'm not going to say grill right now. I'm just saying. But yeah, for sure. I appreciate that. Thank you, Daryl. When they come back, I'm sharing a cigarette with you. I'm like, yeah, no. If we see a half pipe, I'll show you. What the hell? I know we're not going to take this cigarette out of your mouth. Oh, what?

Are you fucking fucking this is terrible for you. You know what's terrible for me? All of this. He says pointing at this and this point of the cigarette helps me with the fucking edge. Can I just say Mr. Yeetly sir young man Bigley Bigley Yeet Bigley you should really be wearing a helmet.

Whoa. You know, the brain is the most important resource a young person has. It's how you form your connection with the world. And I know you do cool flips and tricks on your board, but you're not going to be able to do those tricks if you're eating your food through a straw because you biffed it on your board too bad, you know? If you're so excited about smoking, why don't you go back to the jewel cutters thing?

Where do you think we started? They say, and they pull out jewels immediately begin to vape. And they're so goddamn cool. And they ignore everything that Henry just said to them. He just doesn't wear a helmet. Yeah. You want to look like a fucking tool. I take safety very seriously. So don't push it. Bucko. You look pretty singed. Were you wearing a helmet for whatever the fuck happened to your whole thing? I didn't think I was. You know what? You know what, sir? Gotcha. Gotcha. You think,

Oh, you got it. Gotcha. I revoke my high five. Oh, that's fine. I don't need it. Also, helmets are lame. Glenn Brett Favre. Lame. I think not wore a helmet. That's true. I don't know who Brett Favre is. Tom Brady. Maybe football is harming the youth of our country more than skateboarding ever did. I hold out for a fist bump. So Grant definitely fist bumps you.

He's like, that's why I play soccer. No tackling. It's true. Although, actually, the headings, they find out that doing headers repeatedly actually might have somewhat similar effects. Yeah, that's why I'm so dumb. I love doing headers. Ah, maybe slow down on that, my dude. Okay, we are in the middle of a dangerous war zone, so let's table the soccer versus football versus vaping conversation for when we're out of danger, and let's figure out what our next move is here, everyone. Okay, as you say that, someone is going to make a stealth roll. Okay, everybody do a perception roll. A 20.

20? Not natural 20. I got a 19. I got a 12. I got a natural 20. Jesus. Okay, so I mean basically everybody except for Ron, but I mean once they see it, you'll see it too. Ron gets advantage. He's on stilts. Yeah, Ron's on stilts and also is listening to everybody simultaneously.

Ron is the NSA. You hear it before you see it. You hear big, heavy footsteps coming towards you. And you see somebody encased in a very large suit of armor, even though you can see from the fist they're coming out of it and the head peeking over it that the person is actually very big. They're just wearing a big thing of armor. And as it gets closer, you hear the same voice that you heard on the microphone, even though you can't make out the face. And he goes, doodlers.

I've come for you. That's what she said. It's CERN. It's CERN. It's Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. He's come to kill you. He hears you say that as he comes up. He's like, well, fucking Christ. I had a whole thing. I had literally a whole monologue.

monologue that was gonna like climax with me getting close enough for you to see that I was there and I talk about like you eating your kid and all but no yeah that's what she said you know fuck you and then he starts walking and he digs his hand to the ground pulls out a very large rock like much larger than anybody should be able to lift with one hand and he fucking throws it at you I roll to see what type of rock it is laughing

♪ It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright ♪ ♪ You, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ All you do is try and it'll be alright ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Max and Waller. Thanks this week to Eric Schapolsky, Bryce Baker, and Ryan Peterson for the excellent submissions of names and items. Just one of the many perks you get as a Patreon supporter. Speaking of which, do you know VZBX, Ryan Blaney, Camden Matheny, Jackie Betts, or...

Devin Steen. I mean, they're Patreon supporters too. I'm not trying to guilt you or anything. I just think that these folks are pretty cool. Oh, sorry. What? Did you want to become a supporter of the podcast? Well, then take a gander over at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads where you too can chip in and help make this podcast possible. We just got back from a weekend of hard role playing and recording and the canon prequel starring the dad's grandparents, which we're calling At the Mountains of Dadness, is in the proverbial can ready to be edited.

I'm really excited for everyone to hear this one because the Call of Cthulhu system and it being kind of a mini-series really changed the gameplay and the way we approached it. And like me personally, I was not expecting just how tense and exciting the combat ended up being. It's very different. It's very cool. It's also very funny. We're going to try and get that out this month in time for Halloween. And something you can hear if you're a Patreon supporter at any level, so it's not too late, patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.

Also, our stretch goal at 2,500 patrons has just been posted. I just got the phone with Henry Oak's producer, and he's putting together his geology raps. We're going to be releasing the Rocks Rock mixtape. So if you want to make that happen, patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. That's where you want to be. Dungeonsanddads on Twitter, bit.ly slash dungeondads for that private Facebook group, r slash dungeonsanddaddies for that subreddit, and bit.ly slash dadgut, all caps, for the group transcription project.

Thanks again for listening, folks. That next episode's coming at you October 15th. So until then, thanks for listening, and we'll see you then. There was a time we'd meet between two no-names. Never brought it. Did the sequel? No, no, no. No, the further we get into this conversation, the more likely it is that every single NBC is going to murder you. That's the one thing it won't be, Freddie.

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It was mahogany. You got the mahogany drop. And that fucking decided what sort of watches I bought. And I don't want to say how much I spent on watches, but it was thousands. But it was fucking worth it to make this beautiful case. The display case, dude. You can't have that case and not let it fucking do what it was born to do. You can't let that beautiful fucking piece of boutique furniture just sit there on your fucking counter without watches on it. My God.

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