Ep. 15 - 8 Simple Rules for Dadding my Teenage Paeden
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Ron, they're in the room with me, Ron. Um, okay, so this next part is very important. They're going to take you. Oh, God! Carrie, shout out everything you see about them. Uh, eye color, um, whether they have any cool-looking scars. Uh...

I don't know who you are.

I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money, but I am a very successful businessman. What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills such as networking, social media. I've done Facebook before. If you let my Terry go now.

That'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. I won't even talk bad about you. But if you don't, I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you. With the help of my other dad friends. Good luck. Good luck.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, sometimes a BDSM podcast. A actual play D&D podcast about four dads flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the bard rock star of the group. And this week's Glenn fact is as follows. So formal. It's just like an evening with Dungeons and Daddies. In the following essay, I'll explain how my dad is.

The only dating apps that Glenn has is guacamole on his first dates. Oh, wow. And the only appetizer he orders is guacamole. He's a rock star. He doesn't need an app. I just don't know if Freddie's actually giving us a Glenn fact or just a joke. So...

sort of, sorry, it can't be both, worked into a Glenn. It's not only a Glenn fact, it's a Freddie fact because every time I go with Freddie, he likes to buy guacamole. Yeah. And Freddie will happily tell you about how Tinder doesn't work for Asian people. You literally just told me that. Yeah. Okay, so if a man had that on his Tinder app, I'd slide into his DMs but only to call him a liar. I don't believe you'll buy guacamole when we go out. You cheap fuck.

All right. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's now a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. And Dad Fact, keeping with simple stuff, so Daryl's favorite book is...

the Guinness Book of World Records. Nice. Tied. Even after seeing the John Oliver video about it? He watches John Oliver. Tied with Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss. Does Daryl have any world records? He likes all the animal ones. The animal ones? Like the smallest dog and the largest cat and that sort of stuff. Yeah. That's wholesome. Those are vanilla ones, yeah.

That's the stuff he likes. She doesn't get me there. I need something kinkier. I'm more of a longest fingernail type of gal. That's like the dirty stuff. He looks at you and goes, oh, and he looks away, but he's like, this book's great. This is fun. Hey, everyone. You might be wondering who I am.

I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak on this podcast. Henry Oak is a granola-crunching, Birkenstock-rockin' hippie nature dad slash druid. And this week's Dad Fact, I got a little bit of a call-out from the fans about my last Dad Fact. Oh, yeah. Because Henry's original favorite TV show was, of course, the hit TV show Bones. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

I got kind of put on blast, so I'd like to amend my list. You're canceled. I am canceled, like Bones. It's the most problematic thing Henry's ever done. I'd like to amend my list to kind of get the continuity straight. Henry's first favorite TV show is The Sunrise. Henry's second favorite TV show is The Sunset.

And Bones is number three. Bones is Henry's third favorite TV show. That's it for Henry this week. I'm going to pass things over to Beth May. Hi, Beth. How are you today? Hi, Will. I'm great. My name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather who has recently become a little more emotionally attached. I know. And fun fact about Ron this week.

What?

Is this a real thing? He did not complete it, though. Not because the tacos were too spicy, but because he does not like tacos that much. I did four years of research to come up with this sad fact, and it's part of my thesis. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Okay. Truly, Ron Stampler is living moss. Ron Stampler embodies the live moss mentality. Dave Navarro would be so proud.

Has anyone done any like food challenges? I don't have a spicy food challenge fact or story, but I do have another homebrew knock-knock joke. I'd like to deploy on all of you. I did notice that Freddie cut out my knock-knock joke and made everyone wait till the end to hear it last time. So I'm hoping, I'm hoping our Lord and Savior Freddie Wong will leave this one in as intended right at the top of the show to get everything started with a big laugh. Okay, you guys ready? Yeah.

Is one ever really truly ready? I'm so fucking excited. Anthony, you have to do it. You're the one behind the door. Knock, knock. No solicitors. Anthony, you can play along with the bid or what? Go, go. Knock, knock. Who's there? Yaw.

Yahoo. Yahoo. Oh, Jesus. God in heaven and all the stars above. We don't have to save Grant. We can just end the show as it is. Fuck all of you. I'm the best. Oh, boy. All right. Oh, boy. Anthony, bring this all together.

The audience may not believe this, but this actually, this feels like it's actually our first episode that we save for later. That's what the energy feels like. Yeah, it's like when they shoot the pilot really late in the season so you get the actual attitude. Well, I mean, you see their real first episode. It's like, whoa, this is rough. Yeah, I'm Anthony Burch. Still.

Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, still me, baby. I'm your daddy master, and my daddy fact is, if you ever have the good fortune to be on a podcast that gets a fan base going, make sure not to mention sketches that you don't like. Ha ha ha!

Because for the past two weeks, every day I woke up to new Facebook notifications like, somebody's talking about Cheezoid. And they tagged you. Oh, here's a video of someone dancing to Cheezoid. Here's a video of somebody else reacting to you not liking Cheezoid. And what's weird is that I feel like most of the people doing this also don't like Cheezoid, but it's just inherently funny to...

bring up a thing to a person that doesn't like the thing. Stay tuned for Anthony Burch's cell phone number so that you can not only text him Cheezoid facts. Oh, boy. Laugh at Cheezoid and the world laughs with you, Anthony. Ask once and then we'll never talk about Cheezoid again. Have you since watched Cheezoid? I have. I genuinely...

Whatever the time period was where you were like, hey, wait two weeks and then watch it again. I waited. I was a good boy and I waited that and I watched it again and it had the exact same reaction on me the second time. Maybe I'm unusual because it clearly worked on Beth. Pet troll. I just don't fucking. Oh, boy. It's like almost jokes.

The tower begins to shake. Not like a constant shaking, but like a boom, boom. And you realize it's the sound and the feeling of tree fingers digging into the side of the castle and climbing up it. And soon, two or three, two or three, I'm the one saying it. It's three trees, three, three. 30 or 50. Three to 50. Three to 50 feral trees. Imagine, imagine.

Imagine your favorite number of trees. That many climb their way up to where you are. There's a bunch of trees coming our way, gentlemen. And riding one of them like fucking Mary and or Pippin is Aaron O'Neill. I mean, I'm getting my axe ready and stuff. I'm getting ready in case they do something. Okay. Just in case we have to roll initiative, I want to get the advantage.

I'm going to go out on a limb here. Oh, gosh. D4, D4, D4, D4. And incidentally, for those of you following along with our character sheets, which we don't have online, we all leveled up in between. Anthony told us, level up. So we did. Two damage. Thanks, Will.

You're welcome. I didn't even finish my pun, but I'm not going to. That wasn't the whole pun? I was just going to say I didn't finish the sentence. I was going to be like, I'm going out on a limb here, and I think that we should get ready for some... A fight in this neck of the woods?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I'm going to slide the book I purloined from Aaron's place and get my Zippo lighter ready next to it. As they begin to climb up, you hear Aaron go like, woof, I heard that last bit. That was pretty rough. Oh, yeah, was it?

Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like the emotions that would happen with a real child. A child, not a fucking tree. You haven't learned a lot, have you? I feel the same way about my... I was going to make this a thing where we could come together. It sucks to lose a child in the same way that I have lost my children and now they're back. I was trying to build a bridge. Okay. Sorry, the emotions are just really high. I can tell. Yeah.

Okay. Hey, wait, let me ask you a question, Aaron. Yeah. Okay. So I'm hiding the book. So it's not visible yet. If I need to, I'll pull it out. I noticed you had a lot of books. Yeah. Yeah. So you read. Are you going to call me? Interesting. So you participate in the wholesale slaughter of trees to make paper for books, eh? Aaron O'Neill, you participate in society, yet you condemn society. Yet you are capitalism. Yeah.

Interesting. Yes. Unfortunately, the books that I rent from the library are made of the corpses of what I would consider to be my children. And every day it makes me feel very upset. But then why do you continue doing it? Because the option is not having any knowledge at all, not knowing how to rise up against my... Interesting. I'm just saying, you know, hey, guys, if you guys had an object that was made from the flesh of your children... Yeah, I agree. That seems interesting for somebody who compares...

actually i was wondering do you have any you know books made of terry because i would accept a book form of terry i mean i could make up i have made books of flesh that i could like what the fuck is up with this world and people making books out of people this place is so jacked up guys ron pats his pockets of his many pants like i don't have any terry flesh in here can we have a quick dad hold on do you mind it's

Take your time. Why not? Me and my ends will wait as long as it takes. Okay, so again, I don't want to jump in, but I feel like I need to air out something here. I don't care how often she says she feels that their trees are fucking children. As Glenn brought up, I would not read books if they were made for my children. Look, I'm the one who was like, okay with like the slavery dragons and try to figure out how to make that stuff work. Moral relativism aside, this is some bullshit and she's going to kill a bunch of people unless Henry, you know what? I'm putting this on you, Henry. What the fuck? What?

What? I don't. Okay. You keep groaning every time I say these are trees. These are trees. Okay. I just don't want her to kill this village. Okay. To be fair, I would read a book made out of my child's flesh if it was a good book.

Well, Ron is doing a great job handling the emotional fallout of Terry Jr.'s disappearance. Okay, I want to pump the brakes here, gentlemen. One, Ron, are you okay? That was a lot. I just want to check in because I know when I saw my boys disappear, it was really tough. I don't care about your boys, Henry. My boy, I won. I got him back. And then, you know, I don't even think we should bother with Daryl's kid anymore.

I mean, like, sure, we might get him back. Excuse me, Ron? Oh, I was saying that I don't think that we should bother that kid. Um, okay. Well, that's, thank you for- I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore. I think we're all feeling very angry, and it seems like the common thing we can all unite around is that our main goal is to focus that anger and that energy towards the Purple Road piece of shit that's taking our fucking kids.

So keeping all that in mind and keeping all that energy in mind, I think it's important not to get into pedantic side arguments. Sorry for using a judgy word like pedantic, Daryl, but I understand your frustration with the hypocrisy. Daryl goes out to the window. Hey, everybody screams the village. Your kids' lives, all your lives, it's pedantic.

If we try to save it, it's pedantic. Daryl. You know what, Ron? We tried saving. I'm just going to put this out there. I feel like we've all done a really good job at helping everybody get their kids, right? And it feels like there's a lot of judgment here when this one person here is trying to save the lives of everybody else also. And now I'm hearing, let's not even save Daryl's kid. I'm not. Okay.

Here's all I was going to say. And then I healed the floor. Daryl, I understand your frustration. I'm not entirely on board with all the shenanigans going on here. I think we need to protect this town as well. I agree with you.

All I'm saying is it seems like the vibe with Erin right now is we could maybe convince her to not kill everybody. And I don't think the way we're going to make inroads with her is by getting into a whole thing about her hypocrisy. That's just going to make her put her walls back up. Look. All right. Shoot. Okay. You guys want to hear a little hypocrisy about me? I'm a vegetarian. I got leather shoes.

You know, I got a leather belt. I'm not giving it up. I like my leather belt. It looks cool on me. But, you know, I still think that it's wrong to kill cows. So that's me. That's hypocrisy. I think we can all find some hypocrisy within us. No. Rather... Okay.

I'm just saying, I know we're all teed off right now. So all I'm trying to do is get that energy focused so that we can be productive as opposed to it burning bridges. I have, I have, okay. I understand I may have gotten upset. Daryl gets upset sometimes. Okay. I am just tired of us moving around this world, accepting the things that are happening when these kids that were in cages, she was okay with that.

I would say that Terry Jr. is mostly gone because of her. She's a witch. She's powerful. She could have done a million things to stop this thing from happening. And now I just don't know. I just know if I'm comfortable trying to do diplomacy with her to get what? She's going to help me save Grant? What do you suggest? Do you suggest we just... I suggest I would like her to not destroy this town. And yes, you're right, Henry. You got a hothead. You should be the coach right now. I got cool off. You talk to her. But the end game needs to be she does not kill this entire village. And if she is going to kill this entire village, I will die stopping it.

Okay. Henry, I don't know if I agree with you, man. I've seen a lot of YouTube videos that say if you debate someone and destroy them in the debate, you can win those arguments. At least that's what all my YouTube viewing has led me to believe.

I think we just need to be the dad we wish to see in the world. And I wish to see a very violent dad. I wish to see these kids to go back to their parents and not be killed by a tree lady because she thinks trees are people. Okay. I think I understand the page that all of her on. I'd like to open up a dialogue with Aaron. Okay. Uh,

Hello, Aaron, Miss O'Neil, Miss Witch O'Neil. Oh, yeah, you're done talking now? Yes. What was she doing during that long conversation on our side? Oh, did it take too long for us to solve your entire problem? Daryl, Daryl, Daryl.

Glenn makes a note that the girl from Evening appears to be the most popular song in this world. Actually, the girl from Neverwinter. The girl from Neverwinter. Ooh, the syllables work and everything. Oh, it does. Yeah. Miss O'Neill? Yes. We would like to ask you a couple questions. So where's your head at? Because I came up here. On my neck, Aaron. Where's yours? Okay. All right. I came up here to parlay.

I came up here with the part. Hey, I love it. All of us get to leave happy. Okay. So where are you coming from? Because it feels like that one's real angry. She says pointing at Daryl. That one maybe doesn't know where they are. She's just pointing her on that one. I'm seems to be hiding something behind his back. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What the fuck is that guy hiding behind his back?

Just stretching. This has been a crazy day for us. We're losing sons left and right. This we're over three with this purple robed man. Do you know anything about a mysterious purple robed guy abducting children? Oh, no, I do not. That sounds hard, though. Can you ask like the forest if the forest knows anything? Do any of you any of you know anything about it? And they all just kind of like rotate back and forth in a way that kind of looks like they're shaking their head if they had a head, but they don't. They're just trees.

So she's like, no, that means now. Debris and twigs falling everywhere. Like a squirrel gets jostled loose. It's fun.

And it's holding on. Our primary goal is to find our sons. We are from another world. We came to this world. Our sons are missing. We're looking for them. Our secondary goal is that we consider ourselves moral beings who look out for the welfare of fellow life forms. And we would be very opposed to you destroying this village. So we were hoping we could come to some sort of agreement about that. And our third goal is to have fun. And I got to be frank, I'm not having fun.

Me neither. I'm not Frank. I'm Ron. Yeah, Aaron. God. Aaron, I mean, it seems like we kind of helped take care of a problem of yours. You did, and I'm very grateful for that. It seems like it's pretty good. So, I mean, why don't you just move on and sort of let these people be hanging out here? The world is wide. We've gone through quite a bit of it and just set up shop somewhere else, and it's kind of a truce. It seems kind of reasonable. That's all I'm saying. All right, so both of you roll persuasion. Okay.

Natural 20. Oh shit. And I want to point this out really quick because I'm going to be doing a statistical analysis of this, but something to keep in mind, one or a 20.

is two out of 20, which means 10% of your rolls is either going to be a crit fail or a natural 20. And if you figure out how many times you rolled or anything, you should expect to see a lot more than I think a lot of people think. And there's four of you. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, just saying that. Freddie told me about both that and the Asians on Tinder thing before we started recording. Moneyball Freddie Wong over here. There's nothing new under the sun. That's why you never show up early to a Dungeons and Daddies recording. Just reruns. I got a 19. Oh, Jesus. Okay. So she goes...

Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense, I guess. You did me a solid. I feel like I should do you a solid. This is, I mean, this is our home. Can you at least be a little sympathetic? This is our home, and now we have to find a new home and fucking go walking around? That's like the nature of, well, nature, I guess, right? Species show up. There's a bit of competition, and over time, you know,

it kind of sorts itself out, right? I have a word that I think about a lot because it's on a bumper sticker on the back of my Prius. Fuck. And it's called Coexist. Coexist?

And I think maybe I could, this world could use a little more coexisting. So I'm just saying maybe there's a way for you and this town to coexist. They've lost so much. They've been through so much. And the same way that you help these trees grow, you could help these people grow. You could help them find balance between the forest and the people. Yeah, absolutely.

You make a lot. I really got a really good points and sorry, almost tried to kill you. And sorry about the other thing. All right, let's go, guys. And then she motions to the trees and they begin to go down. Aaron, wait one sec. Uh-huh.

Oh, God, Daryl. Aaron, I appreciate. I'm sorry I got hot-tempered. I can tell that you care a lot about those trees. It's really nice of you that you're leaving. You're going to help this town. Can I ask you something? Yeah, what's up? So, like Henry said, we've tried saving our sons, and we've saved three of them. Or four, sorry. I forgot that you have twins there, Henry. I have two kids. It's fine. And every time we've saved them, they disappear and they get taken by this purple cloak guy, which I know you said you don't know anything about. We haven't saved my kid yet.

And that's because as of right now, if we're the moment we meet him, I have to eat his skin and kill him. So you want to hit me with that one again? Sorry. What was that? We had a blood pact with a man who sold them into slavery. You made a blood pact with the guy who sold them into slavery. I didn't know it was going to be a blood pact. It's sort of a surprise. We were lying. And then he quickly rolled a higher dexterity dice than me and stabbed my hand. Yeah. So I'm going to have to eat him.

Or we die. Oh boy. So yeah, that puts us in a little tough spot because there's nothing I want more than to save my kid. Just like there's nothing you want more than to make a home for your family. But I don't even know how we could do that. You're a witch. Is there any sort of spell or any place you could lead us to that could maybe help us? Or how do like blood packs work?

How do blood packs work? Well, blood packs generally work where you are staking your soul, your life, your eternal life, not just in this life, but in the next, if there is one on your word, essentially. But like a pact is usually right between two people, right? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Who are you making it with? It is inclement upon the person who, uh, so who this guy that you signed the pack with, I assume he was a, was a sorcerer or something. He must've to have that kind of a magic on him. What was this guy named the Lance? He's like a, he's like a big somebody. What was he like? He was like a big somebody over in Phandalin.

We know what that means. Oh, shit. God.

So Aaron says, can I see the blood pact? Oh, here, I'm going to hand you, just forewarning, it is made out of paper. I understand that you're sensitive to that. I mean, I know how blood pacts work. It's fine. Okay, I just want to make sure. So she takes it from me and goes, ugh. Just twitches a little bit. So she takes the picture from you, unfolds it, sees the picture of your child screaming, and she narrows her eyes and studies it. Yeah, blood pact, can't a transfusion help that or something? Can we donate to the Red Cross?

cross or if Daryl you're almost onto something. I think if Daryl changes out all his blood. Oh, wait a minute. Does the blood pack still apply? The way that a blood pack works is it's the person who signed the blood pack and anybody whom they represent anybody who it seems like they have the authority to make a decision for. So presumably all four of you would be involved. But if you're suggesting that all four of you get complete blood transfusions, I

Or those kids, like maybe there's a leftover vampire and they just suck all of our blood out and then we'll be bloodless people. Oh, I hadn't even thought about that. If you all were vampires, the blood pact only takes precedence if you were a living. So if you're all dead. So on that, just just brainstorming. I don't mean to be not trying to be violent, Henry.

I appreciate that. Okay. If you killed, if one of the members of the blood pact died, is the blood pact done? No, because you were the head of the group when you made that blood pact. So it looks like from the way that this is done, all of you would die essentially if the kid doesn't die. No, I think he's asking if we killed the guy we signed the blood pact with. Oh, no, no, it doesn't work that way. Oh, okay. Yeah, you can kill him all you want. The pact is independent of him. One last brainstorm. I'm going to get a little violent here. Could we torture him into changing the blood pact?

I mean, you could torture him into making a separate blood pack, but I don't know if it would counteract this one. Okay.

They're additive. Yeah, they're additive. They just keep going on. Like guitar effects pedals. I didn't know you all had a blood pact with your kid. I feel bad for the thing I did. You know, sometimes things happen and we kind of have to roll with it. And that was very much what it was like at the very beginning of this adventure. Yeah, no. I mean, when I say I feel bad for the thing I did, I mean specifically you threw everything you had in your van into my house when you were hiding from the vampires. What? And then you talked about killing my kid and then you ran. What?

And then I looked down and was like, oh, one of my library books has got... They stole my library book. That's what's behind your back. Is that... I mean, cards on the table. Is that... Wait, I thought this was... It's fine. Is this one of mine? It was just leverage before we knew that we were going to be friends. You don't have to be nice to me because the thing I did, I already did. I burned all the books that you... Oh, my God.

Because I thought, like, I had a feel. Okay, so they took my books. They're going to destroy it. So I might as well destroy theirs. So now we both have to get rid of the library. So now we're on the same page kind of thing. Should we burn your books so we are on the same page? I mean, if you want to, you can. Because then you would need to help us kill the library, right? I mean, yeah. I don't want to be a dick about it. So, like, yeah, I'll help you. I felt like I should tell you that sooner rather than later. You know, I feel like, didn't we have a book called Magic...

Dick Magic for Dicks? Would Dick Magic for Dicks have had an answer to this question in it? It might have. I mean, but there's that. That book's probably somewhere else, right? Yeah, I mean, we can go to... It's probably happening at the library. Yeah, I mean, the library has a lot of really rare one-of-a-kind books. He's generally the guy. We could try to find a different copy, maybe. Are you saying if we got our blood replaced with dicks, like...

Ron is just like coming in and out of this conversation. Yeah, I think you would have different problems if that were your life, but yeah. So... For more than four hours. I think... What is the book about? It's the Kucinich book. Oh, it's the book. Wait, the great druid Kucinich might have advice for us in such a situation as these. He had the book.

the practical solutions and vision that America needed. Maybe he'll have some ideas on what we could do in this situation. Let me see that book. So yeah, you look through the book and the very first page is the table of contents. The first chapter is don't do blood packs.

Damn, we should have read this book. There's some stuff in there about garden magic and life magic. But I want you to roll a history. History. Yeah. Oh, I got that nat 20, baby. Good Lord. Okay. By looking through this, you can see that in the chapter, don't do blood packs. There is a footnote that says if you do happen to ever do a blood pack, there's one foolproof and extremely dangerous way to get around it.

And that's to get your hands on a deck of many things. Because a deck of many things, which is a real, is not a thing I'm making up, it's a D&D thing. Does it say that in Kucinich's book? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a footnote to the footnote. It says this is real, this is not Kucinich bullshit. There's a single card in a deck of many things that's called a wish. And it just allows you to just grant a wish and override any other form of magic within relative reason. You can't like destroy the world and make it or, you know, bring everybody out of the whatever.

So if we wish that our blood was dicks. Exactly. We all agree that Ron's not going to be allowed to touch the cards, right? Ron's not touching the cards. Aaron, there's something in here about how we could use a deck of many things to break this blood pact. Yes, that's really powerful and really dangerous magic. Why is it so dangerous? Because in order to use a deck of many things, you shuffle the deck and you draw as many cards as you want to. And like all the cards that you draw activate. And some of the cards are like, you just get transported away.

a thousand miles away or you open up a portal to a hell dimension or you know your body video game doom how many cards are there in the deck there are 18 cards in a deck okay so one in 18 chance you know you figure you get through some of them it sounds like that might be the only way we can do this if you handle that bag of beans pretty well i mean we got through it aaron you said that you're gonna help us regardless yeah i feel like i feel like that's fair like you know dad's to moms i'm a mom of all these trees your dad you have you know some issues i'm gonna have that book

Yeah, sure. All right. I go and I bring it over to Aaron. I go, I, you know, I feel, you know, at least partially responsible for what's happened between us and I hear the book and I, and I, and I assume that you're of your words is like I am. So I put my hand out and I go, we'd love your help. We don't need to burn a book to make you do it. She puts out her hand and shakes yours. Nice to meet you. Henry tears up a little bit.

Oh, wow. I was waiting for the swerve. I was waiting for you to fucking do a stone cold stunner on her. Okay. So you know, sometimes dads can be genuine. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, I, yeah, I wouldn't know. Okay. So first things first though, guys, number one,

The library is going to be after our asses now. Yeah, one of those books do back. Oh, yeah. We got a couple of problems. We got to separate them out, prioritize them, organize our solutions and figure out how we're going to approach this. So first things first, our books have been burned. So we need to deal with the library. It's definitely a time limit.

Yes. To be fair, we don't know what's going on with Grant. And I got to admit, I've been very worried because if he's, you know, if he's like Glenn's kid, you know, and he's just like hanging out with a bunch of, you know, hopefully a little bit, you know, better influence, but kids, you know, all good. But if he's, you know, enslaved or something sooner, the better. But we got to, you know, you got to take care of yourself first, Daryl, you know, and we're going to do Grant no good if the library comes and makes books out of us.

Where is the library going? Do you know where his next stop is on his book tour? He's in Meadowshade for the next two to three weeks, and then he starts heading back here, I believe. So he's in Meadowshade right now, where Grant is. And she starts scratching him. She goes, deck of many things. Why the fuck am I... Why does deck of many things ring a bell?

And she goes, oh yeah, there was somebody, there was like a traveler coming back from Meadowshade that was mentioning there's some sort of contest, tournament, something along those lines where the reward is a deck of many things. Do you have any idea what this contest was? Anything more specific? He said it was about night or something. It was something about, I think it happened at night. It happened at night. A night contest. Flashlight tag. Yes.

You guys ever do flashlight tag? Oh my God. I haven't thought about this. This was literally seven. Oh man. I love to get my flashlight tag. Oh, it's tag in the dark. You get Grant and his friends over and they run around the backyard with flashlights. And you know, if you get seen by a flashlight, you're it. You never done flashlight tag, Glenn? Glenn's like, oh, flashlight tag. Oh no.

Oh, no! Oh, man. Oh, you did a bad... Will did a crime. Will said a criminal thing. Oh, that's so good. Well done, Will. That's the opposite of a knock-knock joke. Oh, no. Although one has to wonder what it would look like.

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We'll be right back.

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$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamit Mobile for details. Guess we should go to Meadowshed, but we have to... Here's the only thing, we have to be very careful not to see Grant. Oh my God, you know, it's like that show 24.

If we run into Grant, we have 24 hours to save his life. Wait, do you guys all watch 24? Yeah. What's your favorite season? Oh, season four or five. Absolutely. The one with President Logan. I like the one with the cougar. Oh, that's the very first season. Yeah. That's season two, actually, isn't it? That was season two. Oh, that's season two. Yeah, where Kim gets the cougar. I was like, you know, cougars are the fastest land animals ever.

Wait, so is every episode one hour in the life of Jack Bauer in a single day of Jack Bauer's life? The awesome, cool agent from CTU. This is what I was thinking about. I was driving home the other day and I was like, why don't we have like an entire like 20 minutes of Jack Bauer in the toilet? Yes, that's something that a lot of people who are fans of 24 talk about and how Jack Bauer never pees. But I think it's because he goes in his go bag. He goes in the commercial break.

During the course of the show, it's not one continuous hour. It's 40 minutes, but there's commercial breaks. Those commercial breaks are periods you don't see Jack Bauer. So you assume he actually goes to the bathroom during those commercial breaks. Aaron O'Neill's like, what are you talking about? What is any of this? Okay, well, we'll figure out how not to see Grant when we get there. Well, if the contest is at night, then it'll be hard to see him anyway. That's true. I'm a little fuzzy on like, is it like if we're in the vicinity? If we have our eyes closed. Oh my God.

Oh, shit. Do we see Grant? No, that would work. We have to have our eyes closed. So specifically... No, no, if you can prevent yourself from positively identifying...

Grant, the pact works off of your understanding of the world. So if you can find a way to make yourself not realize that you've seen Grant. Guys, we all have to go blind. I'm sorry. That's the only solution. No one feel Daryl's son. I mean, the second that you realize who it is, like I'm saying like you could go in blind, but if you say, hey, Grant, and you hear somebody go, yeah, then it still counts. Daryl, I don't remember what your kid looks like or what he sounds like, and I don't really care.

So I think I'm the man for the seeing job. That might prove useful. There's some issues in terms of some of your capabilities on some of the other aspects of the mission, I'm sure. But no, that's great, Ron. I think that will be very helpful. I'll use my eagle eyes. All right. Okay, so seems our best course of action is to head towards Meadowshade. That's where the library is. That's where this deck of many things is. That's where Grant is, and we need to find Grant eventually. We're going to try to be extra careful to not see Grant. But if we do, we have a day.

and then we need to solve it into that day. I know that's super scary, but it's not like we see him and then he's going to have to die on site or something. You guys want maybe one of the cool things they do in 24. Sometimes there's a lot of stuff happening. They like the conversation continues, but like another location. So maybe you guys want to do like a long rest and like, you know, go to like a campfire. Then we could talk about how to kill the library. I,

It was like a campfire. I mean, not a campfire. My metal beast has like a warming. We can all get warm. That sounds great. That sounds fantastic. I think we should do that within the hour. I love it, Henry. So can we all long rest? Yes. I peed during the bathroom break.

during the commercial. Is it this time that I used the toilet on this balcony? I opened up my toolbox and I got some wood glue and I was talking to Aaron and then apologizing and I was filling the ax thing and I was like, no, wood glue is actually stronger than wood. You know the thing with wood glue is that the joint is stronger than the wood itself. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Sorry about throwing an ax in there. He goes, wait, shit, really? Yeah.

You want it? I give her the bottle. Literally, can I have this? Oh, yeah, absolutely. This thing will patch up any problem. Oh, hell yeah. Okay, so she takes that. If you take some sawdust, you mix it up into a paste, that resulting paste, stronger than the bond itself. You say sawdust, and she goes, oh, oh.

Dads are incapable of using wood glue without pointing out that fact. Yeah, that's stronger than glue. You know that the joint's stronger than the wood itself was, you know? That's what she said. So as you walk your way back down the tower, stopping to grab Peyton and the rest of the kids. I give Peyton a big old thumbs up. We did pretty good. Peyton's like, where's the kid that you... Let's not talk about that. Do you remember what happened to Bullywogs? Yeah. Yeah, that again. Oh, that's repetitive. How did...

How did Team Payton do? I mean, we're fine. We're just sort of hanging out playing playing Pinochle. When I do the wood glue, I get all the paint. Yeah, that's a card game, right? Oh, no, that's not what that's not what Pinochle is in this world. What's your Pinochle? My Pinochle? Yeah, what's the game? Is it Pinochle or Pinochle? It's Pinochle. Pinochle.

knuckles. So describe the rules. The rules of being a girl are as follows. You hold a pee between your knuckles and then you try to punch somebody else in the face as hard as you can without breaking the pee. We know that we win every time. We know that everyone's like slightly bruised. Yeah, they're all kind of bruised except for Peyton. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They agreed to do this, by the way. We're all psyched. We all love Peter. The kids are like, we love Pinochle. When I do the wood glue, I definitely explain. I'm like, I tell the kids to come over so they can learn how to use wood glue also. I teach them all about what wood glue does. Oh, this is so okay. Little kids, what's the deal with your parents and stuff? I think most of them are still alive except for his, except for mine. So I guess we'll just go back to them and one of us will probably have to adopt him or something. Yeah.

That's great. They would have been kind of a burden on our mission. So yeah, you see them begin to sort of, once they leave the tower, they just sort of spread out into the village. Once they hear the magic of wood glue, they're like, oh, it's time to go home. Yeah, we're good. Thanks and everything, but we're good. And they, yeah, they start walking back and some of the, you see some of the parents start coming out and they're crying. They fall on their knees and grab their kids. Hey, you're welcome. And it's happy and sweet. You're welcome. I pass around the hat for tips. Yeah.

Anybody? So that was us. That was us. Thank you. You're welcome, everybody. At least a couple of the parents think that you're offering them the hat. Oh, so gracious of you to take that. No, no, no. This is going to be just a fair compensation for saving your village here, just walking around. And yeah, anybody? Yep, that's your kids. Got your kids back. Love your lives back there. No longer vampires. What's that worth to you? Think about it. How much money do I collect? You end up collecting like 10 gold. Not a lot.

Fucking farmer's cheapskates. Hey, Peyton, did you make any special friends? Like were any of these kids especially cool? Here's the thing you need to know about Peyton. I try not to get too attached. I love how Peyton's winded already in this conversation. I live my life a quarter mile at a time. I try not to make too many connections because I don't want to hurt anybody, you know? Why a quarter mile? Why not a quarter mile? Good point. Take your time. Enjoy life as you go. Is that how far you can run before you get out of breath? I get very winded after about a quarter mile.

A quarter mile is a lot longer than you think. My cardio is not the best. I have asthma. All right. This voice, you'll get this voice from nothing. Wait, do we, if we had like an inhaler and then it's like Peyton's voice suddenly changes the moment. Hey guys, it's Peyton.

But none of these kids were like especially annoying or anything? I mean, no, they're just, they're all kids. They're just dumb kids. You haven't seen the thrill of combat. I mean, they're like sad and stuff. That one's dad died. Hey, Peyton, check this out. I hold up like a thing of duct tape. Oh, what's that? Hey, catch. And I throw it really far. Oh, okay.

Go get it, man. Yeah, as far away as possible. Are you playing fetch? Yeah, go get that thing. You want me to go get it? Yeah, yeah. It's really fun. Because it's not as strong as wood glue. That's why. No, I think this tape is stronger than you, Peyton. I want to see if you can snap it. What the fuck is... It says 17. He goes, nothing's stronger. I'm going to fucking go get it. And he runs after the duct tape. Quick dad huddle. I want to talk without Peyton. Hey, I love Peyton.

I'm wondering if we should maybe we should give him a home here. I'm just worried that's going to get dangerous. And I feel like it's a little selfish. I feel like I'm keeping him along because it's just nice to have like a kid around. But like, I don't know. It does feel a little irresponsible to keep having him here. And there is a lot of kids here. Now that we know that the village isn't going to be destroyed by Aaron, the tree, which is

You might be right, Daryl. That was just a thought. Glenn is shaking his head no. Glenn, we all miss our sons. We need a fighter. I feel like Peyton... He's not really a fighter. I mean, he's a fighter deep down, but like, I mean, he could get killed. He has the eye of the tiger. It tells us about people we fight. How else is Anthony going to give his exposition? I have to agree with Daryl on this one. I think it's the responsible thing to do. Ron, what do you think? Um...

I mean, I don't really care, but if he's staying, then I might stay too, because it sounds like the Meadowlands might be kind of dangerous. I don't know if saving Grant is worth getting rid of the two most favorite characters of this podcast.

Ron says, on second thought, I think I'll come with. So, yeah. I don't know. So Peyton comes back with the duct tape. He's like, I beat the shit out of this thing. I don't know where you were getting it. I tore it up and everything, man. You did. You crushed it. It's useless now. Good job, Peyton. You can't use it anymore. It's too bad, but whatever. Hey, Peyton. What's up? Yeah, this place is pretty nice, isn't it? No, man. It's gory. It's gory.

I already know all the kids that they saw. I'm like way older than all of them. They're boring, man. What are you doing? Wait, what's going on? There's a weird energy. Did I do something? No, no, you did great. You're doing great, man. It's just like, here's the thing. Like, you know, you know how I'm kind of like the coach of this team? Uh, yeah. Yeah. And like, you know, they cannot live with. Yeah. Yeah. You know, these guys can live without. They look up to you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just really feel like. Come on.

I'd be fine. I feel like you've done such... I excuse my language, but man, you deserve it. And I start taking off my wrestling belt. I'm like, you did such a fucking good job with the Paytons. I just can't imagine that team losing a coach like you and a hand over the belt. I just think, honestly, as much as we'd want you, I think you have to lead these kids here. Roll persuasion. It's a 19. So you hand it to him, and he's like, you try to get rid of me. I would never...

And I don't hide the tears that are coming out of my eyes. I would never try to get rid of you, Peyton. You are such an important member of our team. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned about how dangerous it's going to be. But honestly, these kids lost some parents. There's a lot of stuff going on here. I can't imagine how this group of people would survive without you. He says exhaling. I mean, I get it. Like, and I can't stay. That's really what you want. I'll stay. But like...

I wanted to go on the road to like fight stuff and like find my dad and like avenge myself on him. Wait, your dad's still alive? Yeah. I assume as far as I know, he dropped me off and I was going to find him. That was like my quest. Did you want to take out your dad? Or at least give him a piece of your mind? I feel I definitely wanted to beat the shit out of him. I don't know if I wanted to kill him, but like he left me at the Bullywugs for a drink and a song. That kind of sucks. So like,

I can say here, but I'd be like, you know, give it up on that dream. I'm like looking at Henry with like water. He's like, this is why Carol does the temple of Henry.

I'm on team paid inside. I'm like, guys, he has such an important quest. Look at that. Look at these eyes of the tiger. He's got to find his dad. I'm literally having like a walking dead, like press button L to side with Glenn, press button R to side with fucking. It's hard because Matt as a player, more than anything, wants paid on the adventure. But like, I really feel like Daryl would say this is the reasonable thing to do. Paid in. How old are you? I'm old enough.

Let me tell you something, Peyton. Yeah. Take a knee. Take a knee, Peyton. He just takes a knee like by instinct. I, you know, I don't have a great relationship with my pops. And I haven't spoken to him in a minute. And when I was a young man, I was pretty steamed at him for reasons I'm not going to go into right now. But let me tell you that they say that, you know, a guy who...

He who drinks shit. How does it pray? He drinks shit? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What kind of? Hating someone, Peyton, is like drinking poison and wanting the other person to die. And I'm not saying you got to, you know, let go of what's going on with your dad. But let me tell you that just revenge, it's not worth it. It's not a good reason to go on an adventure. If you want closure with your father, you're going to get that someday.

But you're going to get it when you're a man and you're not a man yet. You got plenty of childhood left. You got plenty of growing up to do. And you've had to grow up too quick and too hard. But there's a chance for you here to have a little bit of childhood before you got to grow up and be a man. And I think you should take it.

And then when you're a man and you're ready to look at your dad face-to-face, man-to-man, then you can get that closure with him. But what he did, it already took so much of your childhood from you. Don't let him take the rest of it, too. And when you're ready to do that and we're done with our adventure, we'll be here and we'll help you. I'd like to add to that. You sure? Yes. Also, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think that you could beat your dad in a fight. No.

I didn't even tell you anything about my dad. I just don't think that you could beat him. Or really, anybody. I... Oh, no. Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron. No. But other than that, good luck, kiddo. Henry Roll Persuasion. Ron Roll Persuasion with disadvantage. Henry Roll Persuasion. Ron Roll Initiative.

I'm going to use my inspiration. Hey, Payton, you want to play P-Knuckle with Ron there? Oh, shit. I got a nine. I got a two. I think Payton's playing P-Knuckle with Ron. Okay, here's what it is. You want to say that my childhood's fucked up? Yeah, I get it. I could stay here and be more of a kid. But you're going to say that I couldn't beat up my dad? How dare you?

So you and me, Ron, mano a mano, pee knuckle to pee knuckle. I am going to put this pee between my knuckles and I'm going to punch you in the face as hard as I can. I haven't drunk enough water today. Roll for initiative, you piece of shit. Oh, shit. I can't put pee in my... I got a four. All right. I got a 14. Here comes the boom, baby. Natural one. Oh, no! I get that one!

That's very Peyton. He puts the pee in his, between his first two fingers, pulls his fist back to hit you and then brings his fist forward. But like he's positioned his head incorrectly and he just punches himself in the back of the head really hard and like knocks himself like fucking flat for like world star hip hop. Just like his fucking knees just crumble and he just hits the ground and the pee just explodes at his hand and he goes, okay, I'll stay here.

All right, I fucked up. Yeah, I'll stay here. I'm a kid. This is like, ooh, this is not Peyton's best hour. I pull out a cold pack from the first day kid in the minivan and I start putting it on his head. It's like, hey, buddy, you're going to take care of these kids. You're going to be their coach.

And like I said, we're going to be back. We're going to be back one day once we're done. And, you know, we'll help you with what you need. Oh, that means a lot. He's crying, like, partially because of the leaving and mostly because he just punched himself in the back of the head and feels like a fucking idiot. But like, yeah, I mean, it would be nice to hang out some more. But that'd be good luck with the kid and everything. Thanks for the wrestling belt. This fucking boss. Yeah. You want to put it on?

Oh yeah, might as well. He puts it on. What's, what's, what's, what's your, what's your catchphrase Payton? Uh, my catchphrase is, uh, uh, uh, I've got through the eye of the tiger and you're going to hear me roar. Let's hear a roar. Uh, uh, uh,

go get them buddy. And I kind of, I, I, you know, I guess it's not appropriate to slap kids in the butt anymore. So I, I push more and more. You didn't get slapped on the butt when you played soccer. Yeah. My, my dad was my coach. Oh, he didn't slap you in the butt. Oh no, he wasn't my coach. Nevermind. No, nobody slapped me on the butt. Who slapped you on the butt? Oh my God. Who slapped me on the butt? Mage hand. Uh,

I want to take a knee with Peyton and put my hand on Sean, look him in the eye and go like, hey, Peyton. Yeah. You've been a hell of a fighter, man. I didn't see what happened with you and Ron there with that peanut. I didn't see that. Roll deception. 12 plus 6, 18.

He goes, oh, whoa, you didn't? And like, you could see his face like visibly bright and like, oh, cool. Because yeah, no, it was. What happened there, bud? Oh, like Ron just punched me real fast. Bam. And I just I sort of hit the ground. And it was it was about how cool Rod was not about like me doing something stupid, like punching myself in the back of the head. Yeah, that's what happened. So what you're saying, old Ron had to cheat a little bit to beat the eye of the tiger, Peyton, huh? You know what?

He did. He would have never beat me in a straight on fight. You're right. You're right. I'm like behind Peyton's head. My hands just like furiously flailing. You win this time, Peyton. Guess you got the lie of the tiger. He's just salty Peyton. He just lost his kid. Next time I see you, we'll make it two out of three. You know what, kiddo? You're on. And then I put my hand on his shoulder.

And he like gently grabs your hand and moves it off of his shoulder. Hey, Payton. Why don't you find you some parents here, huh? Yeah, I guess so. Hey, Payton, wait. Hey, Payton. Hey, Henry wants to do a good... I'm just kidding. Just wanted to get one more look at you.

I want to cast about the town for some parents for Peyton. I want to interview these parents. Oh, I just assumed Peyton was going to go. I mean, no. To be fair, Daryl, if we're going to abandon Peyton in this weird post-vampire town, we better set him up with some good parents. There's so many other things planned for this episode. Ha ha ha!

Yeah, no, there's a bunch of different couples that are childless. I like to interview them. I'd be like, hey, I just have a little sign. All right, let's do it at the bar. Let's go to the bar then. Let's go to the bar. You guys are right. We can't just leave it. We'll do some speed dating for parenthood. So the first couple that comes up to you, they are a couple of nice looking orcs. How many kids do you have? None. None? Sorry, what's your name? My name, Alimony Thickfist. Ha ha ha ha!

I was named this by Jake Jenkinson. Thank you for your Patreon support. Why don't you have any kids yet? I had two kids. Two half-children. Half-orc children with my wife. My first wife. My wife. Ha ha ha!

Little joke we have in favor of. No, we got it here, too. We love it. It's a good one. It's a classic. You've seen that movie, right? Oh, Borat. Oh, man. I tell you, that is one funny movie. That is a funny movie. But they die, become a vampire. Oh, sad. Do you want kids? Oh, desperately. Okay, they win. What do you think is the most important thing about being a parent? Discipline. Interesting. Well, thank you. We'll give you work. There's two parents here.

What do you think is the most important thing about being a parent? Also discipline, but in different definition of discipline than what alimony think. Like, alimony think should have beaten kids more to keep them in the house and then they wouldn't come out. Nathan would like that. And me...

And me, Palamoni, think keep them sad. Keep them down low mentally. Do you guys like cookies? Oh, cookies? We love cookie. Who doesn't love cookie? Fuck you.

All right, we'll put them down as a maybe. Henry's mouthing like, no. We just got respect. Everybody else coming here. So obviously we're going to hear the other parents, but you know, great to meet you. And I'm sure we're going to, we're going to talk to you soon. Okay. Two more parents come up. They're both also orcs, but they're much shorter. I'm Eric Bloodaxe. And this is my husband, Lucky Ted. I was named by Barrett Georgeson and Lucky Ted was named by Chris Miranda. Why do they call you Lucky? Because I met this one. Oh,

Oh, that's adorable. Was he doing the, that guy was doing the orc voice, huh? That guy, oh, a palimony and alimony. They are a handful. Do not give them that child. What do you mean by the orc voice? It's a thing that they do to try to make people think that we're dumber than we are. We orcs there. It's, it's, it's very insulting.

Interesting. That sounds fraught. Yeah, sounds like that's the thing that Daryl's going to sidestep around. We have a word in our world called problematic. How do you feel about kids participating in Bloodsport? Oh, do they want to? Extremely so. Well, I would never let my kid get involved in Bloodsport, but...

My husband, Lucky Ted, might disagree with me. Am I right, Lucky? What should I say, honey? And Lucky Ted goes, no, you can answer for yourself. He goes, oh, thank God. Yeah, no, I would never do that. I would never do that. Do you have any kids right now? Yeah, we have one. Do you want more? Do we, honey? And Lucky Ted goes, yes, we do. Yes. All right, they win. Lucky Ted, what do you have to say about what's going on? What do you have to say about blood support?

I think that blood support is a really good way to harden your heart. It's a really good way to harden your fists. It's a good way to survive out here in the... Sorry. In the Faerun lands. Sorry, what was that, Beth? You okay? What?

It's a good way to hurt your dick. Interesting. Interesting. What do the two of you think is the most important quality of parenting? Listening to Lucky Ted, I guess. And then Lucky Ted says, yeah, I would say probably listening to me. All right. Well, you guys were great. We just respect everybody else. We're going to listen to everybody else. But we'll talk to you soon. Okay. Who's next? One guy with a top hat. This guy looks legit. I am both.

Bartholomew Brigsby Bluth. What do you do, sir? By the way, I'm Darrell Wilson. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. My, uh, Darrell Wilson. Uh, uh, uh, uh, not quite a name. Almost a name. It's no Bartholomew Brigsby Bluth. Definitely is not, sir. So what's your profession? Uh, well, first off, I was named by Cody Kowachik, I believe. Uh, and my- I was named by my parents. Oh, well, how unfortunate for you. Uh, my job is, uh, I'm the banker of this fine town. Ooh. Oh, that's good.

How's the finances been since? Oh, terrible. Terrible, terrible, terrible. A lot of homes going into default. How are you going to handle that? Are you going to help them kind of through their problems? I'm going to hire some mercenaries to forcibly evict some of the more poor residents and bring in some new blood now that the town is nice and pretty again. Daryl grabs his axe and looks at Henry like, huh, should we fucking kick this guy's ass? Do you have any kids? No. Do you want one? I want exactly one no more.

more all right he wins and why uh because if you have a kid people tend to consider you a lot more sympathetic

They're much more likely to take a loan from you. Barthelmo. Sorry. Good try, my man. Hey, Barthy. I grab him by the collar. We're not going to be the kid, and if we come back and you fucked over this town, we will kill you. Roll intimidation. 217. Noted. All right. Tears begin to fall on his face. Deflamacy, right, guys? Yeah, sure. Hey, Daryl. I hold a fist for a fist bump. Nice. Hell yeah. Screw the rich.

Next person that comes up is a, you see he's a bullywog, which is a small, like, he's a frog. He looks like Frog from Chrono Trigger. He goes, hello, my name is Walter the Immoral.

The immoral? Immoral. And why did Ravi Tashara name you Walter the Immoral? Because life isn't fair. Interesting. What do you mean by that? Because we all make mistakes. What was the mistake you made? I make swords, right? I made a sword for a guy. The guy went out, the sword broke, the sword end went into his throat and he died. I got blamed. I like murdered him. He was this big hero. And I got kicked out. I got turned into a bulldog. I used to be a guy, now I'm this.

Interesting. What are you doing now? I'm trying to make a life for myself here as a blacksmith. Oh. Blacksmith, he's got a job. Sounds stable. Why do you want a kid? Because when I got turned into a bully log, my son didn't want to look at me anymore. He thought I was gross. He found me disgusting, and my wife cast me aside. And my heart has found there's been a child shame hole in my heart.

I'm like William H. Macy and Magnolia. I have so much love to give, but I have nowhere to put it. It's tough to have a child-shaped hole in your heart, isn't it? Yeah. What to you is the most important part of being a parent? Loving him. Loving what? Loving him. You just gotta love the kid. Sounds pretty good to me. There's been a lot of stuff happening in this world, so I just want to clarify. When you say loving... I mean, like platonic, like a parent, like with your heart. Like you would die for them.

Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah, I feel like I would. Guys, I think we found the winner here. I mean, it's definitely also up to Peyton, but let's check. Okay. I think he's wrong. Yeah, go ahead, Ron. Go ahead. Do you have any kids? Well, yeah, I do. My son, but he doesn't want to see me anymore. Do you want one more? Yes. Okay, guys.

I think we have a winner. You're right, Ron. You should probably call Payne over here. Yeah. Hey, Payne, you want to meet this Bullywog? Why? Is he going to... Hey, Mr. Bullywog, why don't you explain to him what you do? What's your job? I'm a matchless. And what does that involve? Like, hitting stuff? Oh, yeah. You got to hit an anvil really hard with a hammer. Payne's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And it's like fiery metal and stuff? There's fire. There's fire, isn't there? And you make weapons? I make weapons that you use to hit people. And Payne's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, my bad.

Don't get me too excited too quickly. Hey, Payton, we were thinking that this guy here, he could really use some help making cool weapons and all that stuff. And I think he'd be a really good person to kind of take care of you in kind of the parental sense for now while you go and be a good coach to all these kids. And you'll learn how to make cool swords and stuff, man. Hey, tell you what, Payton, why don't you get good at making a sword? And when we swing back by around here, you make me a sword.

So Walter the Immortal says, yeah, I could always use an apprentice, somebody to help me out with the bellows. And Peyton's like, you know what? Yeah, I feel like Peyton the swordsmith, Peyton the sword maker, that's got a, that's kind of a rig to it. I could fuck with that. I could fuck with that. And Walter's like, well, I don't deal with foul language in my blacksmithry. Sorry, Walter, we've been kind of loose with him on the old adventure here. No discipline.

I could just listen to you talk as the blacksmith to Peyton. My least favorite thing we've ever done. No, this is my favorite. The whole podcast now. It is incredible. I just want Peyton. I just want to watch the lives of Peyton and this blacksmith. That's all I care about now. When we get 5,000 Patreon subscribers, you'll have a 45-minute episode of just Peyton and Walter the Immortal. It's just you DMing a game for yourself. It's just me masturbating. Mentally, not literally. Hey!

And literally. 6,000 page shots. What do you think, Peyton? You think this one might be someone you could hang out with? I think it's going to be hard to fill the hole left by you four schmucks. But, uh...

But yeah, I think I could get dad with this. And Walter goes, yeah, that sounds great, man. Wake it in. Wake it in, man. And he opens up his arms for a hug. Peyton's like, no, not yet. But yeah, I guess I'll see you guys when I see you. Goodbye, Peyton. See you. Peyton, I like axes.

Just putting it out there. Actions are generally one of the harder ones. I don't know if he'll be like skill wise, if he'll be there by the time you get mad. Hey, hey, hey, Walter, this kid, he's got the eye of the tiger. Don't you forget it. Payne's like, that's right, baby. And Walter, Walter goes, all right, let's go back to my, let's walk into the sunset wistfully while it's...

I love the idea that they walk outside and it's like the sun is setting and it's like they start to walk down the sunset, but the blacksmith is just next door. So they walk one door down like, oh, here it is. It's an open air blacksmith, so they just sort of sit down. And you're still looking at them. And Peyton's like, you guys should probably go. We should go. Every time Daryl takes a step, he keeps turning around. Okay, Daryl, let's go. It's fine! See you again!

We should all hop in the van and go set up camp and take a rest before we start heading out to Meadowshade. Real quick, guys. I feel like we could get a free room out of the old barkeep seeing as we saved this village and these cheapskates only gave me 10 gold. And I had that amazing comedy set. I really killed. That's true. We could go back and maybe do another comedy show. Guys, I don't know if I could say bye to Peyton again. Could we...

Can we just drive a little bit? The bar is right next to you. You'd have to walk past it again. I think it's time we left this town. Yes. Let's set up camp right outside. I think they're okay to live their lives. You can survive without a hotel room, Glenn. No one to make an exit. Yeah. Okay. So you're back in the van. You're about to tuck in for the night, and Aaron comes by and sort of knocks on the door and is like, hey, guys. Hey. Yeah, we had to...

We have to let one of the more powerful members of our party go. Oh, yeah, little guy. That's too bad. Yeah. We're just going to rest. Oh, we love Peyton. We're just going to rest up and then we're going to just rest up and then I figure we could talk in the morning and start heading over to Meadowshade and figure out. Yeah, we could make like a tree and leave. I don't understand that. And I don't accept it.

Um... Yeah, no, yeah, I feel like we should go to Medsha together and then we can figure out a plan to deal with your myriad of problems and ours that are shared, kind of. Okay, cool. You all fall asleep and just like happened the last time that you long rested, you find yourself back in the purple realm. This seems to happen every time we level up. Normal sleep isn't affected. Every time you sort of finish a story arc, uh,

Guys, are you in the dream? I'm here in the purple realm. Hi, everybody in this dream? We're all in the dream, right? Roll call. Roll call, dad. Roll call. Henry here, present. Daryl, present. Ron, present. Glenn here, and Glenn's doing that thing that he learned from watching the movie Inception, where he's like, where's my totem? He's like looking for his totem. Guys.

I like I said last time, there's a movie called Friday the 13th. No, it's called Nightmare on Elm Street. And in Nightmare on Elm Street, they there's a there's a bad man named Freddy Krueger. And the teens at the end, they get him by they all grab onto him and then they wake themselves up. And then Freddy comes to the real world. And that's how they kick his butt, because, you know, that fucking guy is coming and we should jump on him and try to wake up. That's what I think. I don't want to wake up.

Darryl's already primed and ready. He's just like waiting like football stance. Okay, guys, just stances. He's got a three-point stance. As the purple haze clears from your eyes. You're welcome, Freddie. You're welcome for that softball for the Rockette. You see the man in the purple robe. I charge him. Okay. I charge him too. Go, go, go, get him. I was going to say he's asleep. Like he's just sleeping. I tackle him. Great. Okay, cool. Wow, unsportsmanlike conduct. So roll strength. Strength.

Probably not going to be great. Cause I got a four. Yeah, let's just go. Well, he wrote, he wrote a natural 20. Oh, okay. You run up and you try to tackle him. And like, without even interrupting your momentum, his hand shoots up at the last second and grabs you by the throat. And then he like rolls and tumbles with you and then stands up and it's just like fucking Darth Vader, like choking you in the air. Wake up, Daryl, wake up, Daryl, wake up, Daryl. Uh,

And then, uh, Henry, you come at him. Okay. So Henry seeing Daryl get guy is going to try to lucid dream to become 20 times his normal size. Oh shit. So what do I roll for that? Oh boy. Uh, like a, like a wisdom roll. I feel like wisdom. Okay. Uh, I have a 14, 14. Okay. So I guess, I guess since this is his realm, he'll oppose.

All right, that's not enough. Okay, so you grow to, what, 20 times your size? 20 times my size, that's what I said. Henry's not entirely in control of his conscious thoughts right now because he's in a dream. So yes, Henry gets real big. Okay, so you get so big you just feel like a... 120 feet tall. Yeah, all right. So you get fucking massive...

And the man in the purple robe sort of looks up at you and goes like, oh, that's very cute. And then he looks, he sort of turns, he cocks his head a little bit and he goes, I think it's time, boys. And you hear this thunder strike. No, that's not how thunder works. Whatever, you hear thunder. You hear ominous bullshit. And then...

And then from the sort of nebulous fog around you, you see another figure in a purple robe that is much smaller and more squat, sort of more rotund, a little bit lower to the ground. Say what now? And then you see another one come up who's much taller and skinnier. Basically the Mulan sidekick sort of like shapes. Yeah, one of them goes, this guy's got me scared to death. I go, hey, I'm big, so you all got to do what I say. The rotund guy that you cannot see cracks his knuckles and he goes...

And he lowers his fucking shoulder and then just runs into your ankle as hard as he can.

And go ahead and just roll strength. I rolled a two. So despite your size. And your very powerful two roll. The little guy like nails you in the side of your foot. And it doesn't make any sense to your body. Because it feels like an ant just hit you with the power of a freight train. And your entire, you just fucking collapse slowly like. It's basically your standard stepping on a Lego feel. Yeah, exactly. This time the Lego stepped on you. No.

Basically, as you fall to the ground, the lead guy, the first one that is choking Daryl, sort of just tosses you to the ground. He goes, I'm so sorry. I should have introduced my friends. It's gonna be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. And if you die, it'll be alright. It's gonna be alright. It's gonna be alright. It'll

♪ ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch as our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Max and Waller. Special thanks this week to Jake Jenkinson, Barrett Georgeson, Chris Miranda, Cody Kiewaczek, and Ravi Taishara, who contributed names we used in this episode. Also, big ups this week to Chideta, Bethany Eshnor, Guy Fauty,

Thank you.

Our latest stretch goal at a thousand followers is we're going to be doing a mini-series 100% canon prequel arc that Anthony has been quietly prepping for about the dad's granddad set in the 1940s and played on the Call of Cthulhu system and that we're calling In the Mountains of Dadness. So get on that ground floor and support the podcast on Patreon to hear when that drops.

That website, again, patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. You don't like that website? You want some other websites? Well, what about twitter.com where we are, dungeonsanddads? Too long for you? What about a URL shortener, bit.ly slash dungeondads for that private Facebook group? Don't even have to remember all of Facebook's weird URL shit. You can just remember bit.ly slash dungeondads. Ooh, what about subreddits?

r slash dungeons and daddies that's one of my favorite subreddits i'm on there all the time reading all of your theories and looking at all your good fan art thank you so much to everybody for listening thank you out there even if you're not one of our elite patreon supporters who i objectively love a little bit more you are someone who hung out for the end credits and you know that's worth something dang it we're gonna be still doing episodes of this yeah we're not done um the podcast will continue

In two weeks, September 3rd, set your calendars, set your Google alerts, program your Casio watches. I'll see you then. There was a time we'd eat between to know they never brought it.

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