Ep. 11.5 - Bonus Dungeon Sidequest Misadventure
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Basically, all the good stuff. That was a my dad wrote a porno reference. Anyways, content warnings can be found in the episode description. The following bonus episode of Dungeons and Daddies exists solely because of our fine Patreon supporters who help make this show possible. And you could be one of them at Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads.

Canonically, this episode takes place partway through the events of episode 11, just after the dads load up into the minivan on the road to Rocca Porta to rescue Ron's son, Terry Jr., and before Henry accidentally lets slip a crucial pyramid-related detail. So sit back and enjoy this bonus episode, Dungeons & Daddies, finally, a BDSM podcast. BDSM Podcast

So, welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, a BDSM podcast. Yes. Yes.

So you're in the car on your way to go to Rockport, where Ron's stepson is. And the new person you've absorbed into your merry gang of weirdos is in the back asleep and adorable. Aw, look at Payne back there, guys. Payne, shh. Don't wake him up. Don't wake him up. I miss my kid, guys. Yeah, it's nice to have a kid on the adventure with us that doesn't... Let's keep this one. Yeah. Well, we should keep all of them, Ron. Oh.

I like this one, though. Is there a kid you didn't keep? Well, I mean, Terry. I have no idea where Terry is. That's true. I guess I didn't keep Grant either. We do have an idea where Terry is. I have no idea. Well, we're keeping Peyton safe. That's for sure. Okay. Well, Peyton's safe. Where is Terry Jr. again? What does it say on the old list? Lizard Boy scales my stuff and pulls out the list. And he goes, Terry Jr. is in Rockport. And he's about to say Rockport. Rockaport. Rockaport. Rockaport.

somebody runs out into the trail in front of you. I accelerate. Whoa! I slam on the brakes. Episode over. Sorry, no. They die, and an identical person also runs out and goes, you killed my twin sister.

Now I slam on the brakes. So you slam on the brakes and as the dust clears, you see that it is a six foot tall, very jacked woman with like thigh high leather boots. And she goes, hey, hold up. I need help real quick. Can you help me out with something? I wrote on the window, Daryl Wilson, nice to meet you. What's your name, ma'am? Oh, it's a machine with a person in it. It doesn't matter. Okay, so long story short. I still have my hand out. Ha ha.

Yeah. She comes by and like smacks it. Like a high five kind of. Does it hurt? Yeah, very badly. Okay. Ow. I'm impressed. Am I getting this right? It hurts. Yay. Nice. Okay, so long story short, I get to go to Waterdeep to get some shit done. Some of the new clients, sort of an emergency. Client? You sound like a business woman. I am. I own a business actually. Thank you. So...

If you could just do me a solid, I don't know who you are, but I feel like I'm getting a good energy from you. I'm getting a good consensual but weird but kind of dangerous energy. Yeah, that makes sense. She really hit the nail on the head there. I gotta say, I'm pretty impressed. I'm very good at my job because I'm very good at sort of reading signals and getting the vibe of people very quickly and non-verbal. Consensual but weird is a pretty good shirt.

I have, hi, Henry Oak in the back here with my hand raised. So we, we, we all keep it down paid and sleeping. Oh, sorry. Hey, it's me. Henry Oak in the back. We do have a child sleeping in the back seat. So we're going to keep this quiet. I only asked this question because we've been on a lot of adventures and we met a lot of, we're not from around here. We morality seems to be on a different sort of axis than where we're from. So I do kind of have to ask what your business is because like BDSM,

What now is that? Does that mean what does that mean in this world means bondage, domination, sadism and masochism? What are those last two words? That's what it means in our world. I mean, in the town that we're from. Great. Good. Yeah. I mean, it should. What else would it be? Sorry, still confused here. What does she do, guys? Why don't you ask her? What is it? Sorry. I don't want to misrepresent the subculture. Yeah. What do you do, ma'am?

Generally, people will pay me money to enact certain fantasies. Like Lord of the Rings? There are people who do that. I don't specialize in that. I specialize in the aforementioned B, D, S, and M. Which are? Bondage, domination, satirism, and masochism. Referring to... You gotta pay extra for rings. Bondage, as in like tying somebody up or restraining them in some way. Like torture? No, consensual torture. Like imagine...

Okay, so maybe not you. Maybe the other three of you. We get it. I feel like the other three of you might be good for this. Daryl, she's cool. Okay. It's good. I'm fine. We're good. It's a sex thing.

You don't have to have sex with anybody. You don't have to have sex. Oh my God. You know what? Nevermind. I'm going to flag down the next behavior. We'll be right with you. What's the debt? What's up? What? Do you want to call a dad huddle? Yeah. Dad huddle. I guess. Don't get too close though. Okay. Why? We have seatbelts on. Why do I not have to get too close to you? What is? Okay. Can you just explain to me?

All right. What is it about this is a sex thing? Yeah. So I watched an episode of the HBO show Real Sex at one point that talked about this. It was on, you know, scanning through the channels. And I read an article or two on Vice and the, you know, various magazines. BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed. There were some GIFs that were very informative.

So it's, you know, for some people in the bedroom, they like to be tied up or, you know, told what to do or, you know, spanked or to, you know, they'd like to do the spanking. And so there are certain professionals that do this sort of thing. That facilitate this. They facilitate this and it's very cool and consensual. Glenn, I'm not trying to stereotype, but I feel as the rocker of the group, you probably... Hey man, yeah, you got all types out there. You know, I think what's important to understand is that

Human sexuality exists on a spectrum, and I think it's important to be open-minded with regards to what people are into. And again, as long as it's consensual, which is a very important foundational tenet of the BDSM community, it's all good, man. Okay, so people have sex. Not necessarily. Not necessarily, but it's in the realm of... All right. Yeah, I feel like maybe saying it was... Look, I have a kid. I know what I'm talking about. I get it. Okay, I get it. I was a little confused. I rolled down the window. I got a little nut boy myself. Yeah.

I roll out the window. Guys, don't worry. I got nutspawn. I got fermented nut running around. Oh, my God. Sorry, ma'am. Yeah, we can help, right, guys? Yeah, come on in. Come on in. I'm not coming into your van. No, no, I'm walking. Oh, what did you need our help for? My dungeon, it's a little understaffed. I was the only one who came in today, but I just got this emergency sparrow about my client in Waterdeep. So I kind of need someone to fill in for me really quick. Can you do that? I roll out the window. Oh, my God.

You got me. I rolled down the window.

Yes, sure thing. Perfect. Awesome. So she leans over to you. She has five strips of paper in her hand and she goes, okay, so there's four clients in there. I'm going to give you these pieces of paper. There is the safe words written on here. And the other four are the specific kinks that those patrons have along with a complete explanation of like how they work and what you need to do. Okay. How will we know the difference? Yeah, no, here you go. Bye. Are we going to pay for this? Yeah, absolutely. If the clients are happy when I come back,

I will give you some cool items for every client that you've satisfied. Do you have any business cards? Yeah. She reaches into her bustier and pulls out like a fucking razor, like sharp business card that is very similar to yours actually, because that's your weapon, right? So like you find it very relatable and she sort of hands it to you. What's your name? What does it say, Ron? It says... Anthony is giving Beth the... I'm waiting. What does it say, Beth? Beth.

It says, Mistress Hardball Cough Drop. Hardball Cough Drop? That's me. Hardball Cough Drop. Some people call me coffee. Some people call me hardball. Some people just call me ball. I'm going to call you droppy.

So, Miss Hardball cough drop. I just want to look, Ron, I'm not I'm not going to make any judgments, Glenn, but I don't believe in this whole what happens in Forgotten Realms. I'm not going to cheat on my wife. Oh, sure. For sure. Don't worry about it. Again, you don't have to have sex with anybody. Yeah, you establish the boundary because you said sex. Yeah, I mischaracterized. Remember, keep it safe. Keep it consensual.

And remember the safe word. I'm out. Quick question. Is there a Yelp in this universe? Do we have to worry about negative Yelp? Yelp reviews, like bad reviews. Like that? Yeah. There will be a lot of Yelping if you do your job right. Okay. Very good. Okay. Daryl, if you want to call Carol and just clear the runway, we're totally open to that. I think that's a good idea.

Do you guys mind if I just call Carol? Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead and call Carol. You know what the best part about this is? Because this is on a van, the Bluetooth would totally pick up on his phone. It would just be broadcast to the whole car. I mean, I could take it off speakerphone unlike you do, Freddie. Just saying. Dad's only use speakerphone. All right. I take out my phone. Do I need to roll to see if my battery dies? But with advantage. 15. Okay, you're fine. All right. I call Carol.

Did you find him yet? Hey, Carol. How's it going, my dear? Did you find Kim yet? So we are actually... Where's Grant? We found Nick. We found Nick.

And we're on our way to Grant. We know where he is. There's a little detour we have to make, honey. A detour? I called the cops. They can't find the van. You guys just disappeared. Where did you take them? We're in some new world, and there's this lady that needs our help. Oh, Darnell, why? Is Darnell there? Yes. He went with me to the cops because you weren't here to be with me. Actually, can you put Darnell on the phone? Yes. Okay. Can I talk to Darnell? Darnell, is this you?

He handed the phone back to me. He doesn't want to talk to you. Frankly, I don't either. Brilliant, brilliant. Okay, just really, honey, do you know BDSM? I've heard it's not a sex. Stop, stop. I just hang up the phone. Daryl, how's it going? How's the call go?

She, yeah, she knows what BDSM is and she's, she says whatever I gotta do to get a grant. Hey, you know, that's great. Yeah. What a relief. You know, me and Mercedes O. Garcia have a really supportive relationship about this Kyber thing. We're very open and experimental. Oh yeah, same with us. So that's great. Samantha and I have sex.

I'm glad to hear that, Ron. It's a good thing. You got to keep it going. Believe me, don't let that slip away. It doesn't slip away, if you know what I mean. Lizard Boy Scales. Ron, I needed that. That's a good laugh. Thanks. I recall you saying you thought you were a virgin. Um...

- Well, what is sex? - Cool, cool, cool. So as you continue in the car, to your right you see a cave that over its entrance has a big sign lit with a spectral flame that flickers on and off, and it just says, "The Dungeon." - You guys think this is the right place?

I think it's got to be. I bet you this is really confusing for the people in this world who are, you know, like sort of the more traditional adventurer types. Adventurers, people trying to, yeah. There's probably a group of them milling around outside. How do you know this is the dungeon where this happens as opposed to the one that, you know, the king is captured in? Yeah. You know? Like, or if there's a dragon, you know, with a dungeon, you know, how do you know this is not his dungeon and is instead the...

This is a great Seinfeldian little aside. What's the deal? As you drive in, the gravel road slowly gives way to what feels like a plush carpet underneath your feet. As we walk in. Sorry, yeah, as you walk in. Plush carpet is definitely what you want with a room full of fluids. This man has rented carpet cleaners in his time.

Sorry, Anthony. It's fine. No, it's fine. It's fine. I keep interrupting, too. So yeah, as you walk in, the gravel road slowly turns into plush carpet. And as the sunlight from behind you gets dimmer, the light of the dungeon within gets a little bit brighter. And it's this very cool ambient, like kind of pink light that seems to have been made with thaumaturgy or yeah, whatever that fucking D&D ability is. It allows you to do weird shit with the color flames. Cool. Basically, in front of you, there's a desk where presumably the secretary would be or whoever was taking calls. It's empty right now. There's nobody here but you and whoever is behind you.

the four doors in front of you. It seems like the doors have no bearing on what's inside of them because the noises that you hear from, for instance, this door that's shaped like a skull is someone moaning in ecstasy and the door that's shaped like a heart has somebody kind of like whining. So there's basically... What are the other two doors shaped like, Anthony? One is shaped like a boot. Okay. And the other is shaped like a knife.

Whoa. So Anthony is currently handing out strips of paper. And then what's written on these? According to Hardball Cough Drop, basically you have five slips of paper that I've given to the group. One of the phrases on there is the safe word that is used by everybody in the dungeon. The other four are descriptions of and explanations of the kinks that the four individual customers have. Wow.

Ah, okay. Dead huddle. Dead huddle. Dead huddle. Before we go in here and do this thing, let's swap notes here. What do you have on your piece of paper? I think I have the safe word. I think it says banana. Like banana? Banana.

What do you think, Glenn? What do you think, Glenn? Well, so here's the problem is I think I have the safe word. Because mine is bae, bae. Bae is in the sort of hip, cool way that kids refer to, you know, the people they're dating. It's like your bae, you know? Is that a thing? Yeah, yeah, man. It's youth culture. These kids with their slang. These kids, they come up with just these cool words all the time. What just happened to your best gal? It's like babies too long.

No, it's bae. It's two of them. Well, you know, they only have 140 characters. Am I right, fellas? I always refer to Samantha as my harbor. Oh, I like that. That's very sweet. Or weird. I can't tell. I have the word findom.

As in F-Y-N-N Dom. I recognize Dom, which I think is like dominant. Yeah. But I don't know if that means you want to be domed by Finn or Finn's doing the doming. I think this is one of the kinks. Okay. I'm going to put that out there. I think that I have one kink and one safe word. Okay. The kink is... Okay. The kink is cuck. Okay.

I mean, the kink is cook. How do you spell that? It's spelled K-U-K-K. And then what I think it might be, it should feel like a safe word for us men. It's cry. It's cry. K-R-Y-Y. K-R-Y-Y. Fyndom. Cook with three Ks, which seems interesting. Whoops, that was unintentional. That's not part of it. That's not part of it.

ignore that there's a lot of k's in this baby and banana you said one was a safe word and one were kinks and descriptions one is a safe word the other four are the kinks and she didn't realize that you have so little expertise with this stuff she thought she assumed that writing what the kink was would be a sufficient explanation of it all right well uh these are not helpful can i roll maybe an insight check good fucking luck arcana arcana uh here we go

I got a nine. A nine. A nine is not going to do it. You don't, you look at these words and they're just words to you. Fellas, I don't think I know what these words mean. Can we just guess? Yeah, Ron, we can guess. I'd like to do a, uh, just a, like a perception check on the secretary's desk if there's anything, if no, any interesting things there. Okay, go ahead and roll. I got a three. Nope. There's a lot of hand sanitizer. Uh,

Yeah, I'm going to go get a couple pumps of that. Daryl's just like putting it on like perfume and rubbing his hand and he's putting it everywhere. Good thinking there, Glenn. I'm also going to search the desk. Okay. I got a natural 20. Okay. Ooh, nice. Weird, just hand sanitizer. Just a shitload of hand sanitizer. Just hand sanitizer. But you recognize that it's sage infused, so it has a nice scent. I'm very familiar with this hand sanitizer. Actually, no, with your 20, you also find a potion of healing.

Oh, okay. This could come in handy. Sort of an emergency just in case something ever went wrong. Yeah, we can take that. We'll put it back. But they might not want it. Or we might not want it. We might not want it. There's four clients on the other sides of these doors. And we need to kind of go in there and hit it out of the park on their kink or they're not going to have a good time. And then we're not going to get those items which can be used to help our sons. I mean, can we stick together? I don't know if I want to just...

There's no reason why we got to do this separately. So you're saying all four of us go room by room. Sort of like a BDSM SWAT team. Yeah. Yeah. BDSM SWAT team. Henry, this is the first time I've felt comfortable in this place. BDSM SWAT team. I like that. BDSM FBI. I love it. So a bondage, domination, sadism, masochism, special weapons and tactics. Yeah.

Sexy weapons and tactics. Yes. Okay, now I'm getting a little nervous. Henry Oak's getting a little nervous. Tell us what we had to do. It feels like, you know, we should just check. She did not give us a lot of instruction. Make sure these customers are okay. You don't split up in a horror movie. No.

And not saying this is a horror movie, but, you know, I want to, I don't know if I need a perception check. I want to hear what's coming out of every door. Hey guys, let's just kind of try to hear a peek of what's going on in here. Let's scope it out. Scope it out. Okay, from the skull door, you hear what sounds like two people moaning in ecstasy. Looks like they're already done in there. Yeah.

From the heart door, you hear someone whining like, hmm. Sounds like they're not having a great time yet. Or they're having a really good time if they want to not have a great time. We should be careful. This one might just be the bathroom. We should knock first. I think we should knock on all of them first. That's a good idea, Ron. From the boot door, you hear clinking, like metal clinking together.

And then... Metal clinking together. And then from the knife door, you don't hear anything. Guys, let's try this knife door. You want to try the knife door? Let's try the knife door. It feels like if for one, for all of us to go in, the one that's shaped like a weapon is a good one for us to be together on. I don't know why, but... Oh, no, I see what you mean. That makes sense. So, yeah, Ron, why don't you knock? You said we should knock. Why don't you knock on that door and see what happens? Um...

Knock, knock. I understand if you can't get to the door right now, you might be all tied up, so to speak. But we're just wondering what's going on with you. Knock, knock. You hear... Oh, that doesn't sound like it's going well. Okay, guys, give me 10 seconds.

Okay. All right. And then I will signal whether the rest of you should come in or you should move on to the next door. I hold out hand sanitizer to give you next door. Thank you. A little pump. We don't want to blow this unless you do want to blow it. Okay. Thanks guys. What's your signal word? My signal word is going to be hot cha cha cha. And that means it's going great. If I say not cha cha cha,

That means you guys should come in. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. But if it's going great, shouldn't we also come in? No, you should go on to the next room. Okay. Okay. It's clientele, right? This is working with clients. You don't want to overwhelm them. We don't want to all just bust a nest if we don't have to. Good point. Yeah. You know, I once worked at a certain facility where customer service was very important and I'll leave it at that. Okay. Okay.

Make sure you know the safe words. The deep lore secrets of Geico. I enter. Okay. You see an eight foot tall orc with a necklace of small skulls and a scar going down his face. And he's standing staring at you with his arms crossed. And he goes, about time. Hello. And then I stare at him. He stares back at you.

I am in charge now. He fucking laughs at that. And he goes, yeah, I doubt it. I'm way stronger than you. Are you? Do you want to put that to a test, my friend? Henry Og is flop sweating right now.

He goes, I mean, if you want to. Is that what you want me to want? Not really. I mean, it's pretty obvious I'm strong. Every part of me is strong. My muscles, my brain, my heart, it's all strong. Henry, how's it going in there? I think this is... I'm going to...

You're right. You are strong. You're very strong. What do you want to do with me? You're so strong. I'm so scared of you right now. He like winces and is like, that's, that's not how this is. Of course it's not you dummy. Hey, well, hey now.

Hey. That's right. I'm not dumb. You're weak. He's weak. You're weak. No, I'm strong. You're super weak, and you're going to get on your knees for me. I'm not. Henry, maybe say the words. Findom.

No. All right, we can scratch Fyndom off the list, guys. So he sighs really heavily and then like sits back down. I'm sorry, man. It's my first day. That much is obvious. Well, look, just tell me what you want and I can work with you and then we can start over. You were supposed to try to make me cry. I'm supposed to try to make you cry. Because I'm strong and I wanted to feel weak.

Like emotionally, it's I've never gotten to feel that emotional release. That's really sad, man. It's not sad. I'm just a person who hasn't been able to cry and I wanted to experience it. Well, I'm just saying that as a human being, I empathize with you not being able to cry. This is not making me cry. You're not helping me out. You're infantilizing me. I'm sorry that that's really, that sounds really frustrating. Where do you think your issues come from that you can't cry?

Don't try to do this. It's too late now. What's too late? You're going to try to make me cry. You're going to try to make me open up and then make me cry. It's not going to happen. Is that what you feel like? Do you feel like it's too late for you? Do you feel like it's too late for you to change? Yeah. Well, what do you want to change into? What do you feel like it's too late for you to change into? I mean, I don't know. I never had any... I see what you're doing. I'm not doing... Go ahead and roll persuasion. Outside the door, Ron is already crying. Natural 20! Ooh, baby. That's two... What the fuck is up with those dice? Ha ha ha!

All right. He goes, what's your name? Look at me. What's your name? My name is Bloodspear the Unforgiving. Bloodspear the Unforgiving. I forgive you. It's not your fault.

It's not your fault. And I hug him. It's not your fault. Guys, we should all go in and hug him. No, no, no, no. Stay out, stay out, stay out. Ha-cha-cha-cha. It's not your fault. Just let it out. You're forgiven. I forgive you. My father made me in his image to be a killer even better than him. The biggest skull on my necklace is his, but I never got to tell him how I really feel. Just tell me. Tell me right now what you feel. I don't know.

I love you, dude! And tears start streaming down his cheeks. Big fucking fat, like, water balloons just hitting your shoulders of tears from this massive, massive man. And the tear, once they start, they don't stop coming. And, like, he just sort of pushes you away, just goes in the field. This is a tender moment, Matthew. Yeah.

How dare you, Matt? And he goes to the field position and starts crying and rocking back and forth, like his whole body just sort of shaking. And then finally, he sort of sits up and he wipes his eyes and goes, thank you so much. That was great. That was exactly what I needed. Great. I'm really glad to hear that. So you think you worked through your stuff with your dad? Are you going to like, you know? Oh, no, that's going to take way more therapy. Okay, fair enough. But yeah, I definitely got to feel what it's like to cry and to also get this voice back after that last few sentences of Anthony just sounding like Anthony. Yeah.

But no, that was great. That was great. I'll definitely put in a good word for you with hardball. Okay. Well, thanks, Bloodspear. No problem, man. All right. Well, you have a good one. Yeah, you too. Hey, are you going to be back here like next week? Oh, almost certainly not. But I will pass along all everything I learned, you know, sort of like my do's and don'ts, tips and tricks. Okay. You know, like pro tips. I'll pass that along to your next person.

I appreciate it. Okay, great. I walk out of the room completely. So I don't know that you guys ever saw any of that. I just come out drenched in water. No, we heard it inside. Guys, I think I've done BDSM. It doesn't seem like a big deal. Why don't you give this next door a shot? I think maybe you should do the next door. All right. I go to the heart door. Okay. So the heart door was the one with the whining behind it. Yeah. There's another person needing to cry probably. All right.

I got this. No, I can do it on my own. So you see a wizened old man with a pointed hat and a cloak that seems to change color every time you look at it. When it catches your eye, you're tempted to sort of look away, but it's so alluring that you can't, almost as if you're being hypnotized by it. And he sees you having this reaction to his cloak. He goes, oh, and then sort of, what's this thing you do when you take something and go like, shake it? Flip flop. You flop the cloak. He sort of flops the cloak and it stops doing that and sort of turns into this very neutral kind of black color.

And he looks at you and he just pouts his lips and he's got his arms crossed and he sits down. Hey, sir. Darryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. I put my hand out. You need to cry too or something? I pooped my diapy. It's baby. It's baby. It's baby. It's baby. It's baby. Darryl. Darryl. What? He wants you to treat him like a baby. Oh. I pooped my diapy. I did a boom boom. Oh.

All right. Hey, boys, can you do me a favor? Can you just look away for a second? Sure. We are definitely not in here. All right. Hey, there, old buddy. Pooped your diaper?

You're right. Lay down there for a second. I did it. I did a bad. You did a bad? Yes. No, you didn't. There's no such thing as a bad with a poop, everybody. Poop. So why don't you just sit down? All right. That's comfortable right now. Let me just sit down. All right, buddy. I sat down. Yes. All right. I'm going to change your diaper. You got diapers? I do. All right. Let me change your diaper. In the bag over there. In the bag. Okay. Here's a diaper. Back that I brought. Oh, that's a lot of poop there, buddy. It is. That's a lot of poop there, buddy. Had a big breakfast. Big breakfast. Many nummies. Mmm.

And it came right out of me. Look at your little hands. My hands are very little. They are very little. Put those delicious fingers in a ball or I'm gonna eat them all. Look at these little toes so small before you grow big and tall. I'm gonna eat your legs and arms. Oh no, someone pulled the alarm. Now I got to run away. But I'm gonna eat you another day. How you doing there, buddy? There you go. Your diaper's all done. Nobody even knows.

I would never accuse Matt of not being dedicated to his character, but that is clearly not a Daryl Wilson rhyme. He broke Anthony in his speechless speech. It definitely feels like we got a lot of Matt there, don't you think, guys? Oh, my God. Should I roll a dice or something? We're well beyond that.

So you change his diapy, and he goes, Delectable. Yeah. I wish to be fed. All right. Well, you got, what do you do, formula? You got milk? Formula in the bag. All right. I open the bag. What do I find in there? You find...

You find just a slab of steak. A slab of steak? Yeah. All right. Well, yeah. All right, buddy. Here you go. How do you eat this thing? And he moves his head away. And he goes, too big. Too big. The piece is too big. Cut up. Does somebody have a knife? I kind of look out.

Look out the door. Terrible. Terrible. Like a bird. Like a bird. I think this is a mama bird situation. Oh, all right. Did you ever watch Planet Earth? Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. Okay. It's like a Charleston chew, but it's a meat, and you have to give it up after you eat it. I take a big bite of the steak. I'm like, you want me to chew it up there, buddy? You want to make sure it's nice and soft for you? Yes, please. Okay. Okay.

Daryl's thinking about he's missing Grant a little bit. What? Yeah, he's just missing having a little kid. Oh, he's regressing. That's what it is. All right, buddy. I take it out. Oh, here you go. I spit out my hand. And I go, here you go, buddy. A little airplane. What is an airplane? I just throw it into his mouth. I go, there you go. Chew, chew, chew. He chews it up and swallows it. He goes, mmm, delicious.

And he stands up and he goes, I thank you, sir. He sort of shimmers his cloak again and it sort of goes back to the way it was. And he wipes a little bit of steak from his lip and he reaches out his hands to clasp one of your hands and he bows and he says, in all the years I've come to the dungeon, none have satisfied my particular desires with the skill that you have just used on me. So I thank you, sir. I appreciate that, sir. I thank you very much, kind sir. What would be thy name? Wait, no. It is better if I do not know. No.

We will be merely ships passing in the baby night. And to you, I say, adieu. And he flourishes his cloak once more. And then all of a sudden, he's just not there anymore. Whoa. Wow. Daryl walks out. Guys, I'm not going to do the other two. I think that's enough for me. I just sit down at the secretary desk. Quietly.

Chewing the rest of the steak that you didn't eat. Side huddle. Daryl really got into that. He's a pro. Well, I'll go up next here. This boot door looks pretty cool. Like the Italian door, you know. Yeah. We did a tour of Italy doing some Christmas songs a couple years ago. I feel like I'm well equipped for this. You went to an olive garden. Yeah.

I wonder if there's breadsticks in here. Yeah, the tour of Italy. Yeah, referring to the time I was at Olive Garden, I got the tour of Italy, which is cheese sticks. It is fettuccine Alfredo, a little bit of lasagna, and the fucking chicken parmigiana. Wow, an Olive Garden expert. When I grew up in Arizona, I didn't know that Olive Garden wasn't fancy. I thought that Olive Garden wasn't as fancy as Macaroni Grill, but that it was still really nice. Yeah, same.

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So I'm going to open the boot door. Okay. So this was when you heard the clinking behind. Yes. And you see just a man-sized banana sitting in front of a... Sitting before a pile of coins, a pile of gold coins. And across from him, there's a rat hawking a bunch of wares out of a little merchant's booth. What?

What? Okay, sorry. And the banana is just clinking his coins together like a poker player using shuffle chips. To be clear, a man-sized banana, does he have appendages? Yes, he has arms and legs and sentience. He's a face. He's a banana in pajamas. Yeah, he's rejected by Don's Hertzfeld, I'm a banana type of creature.

Fruit of the gloom over here. Is he like a green banana or kind of ripe? He's pretty ripe. He's like yellowish. Cool. He's got a couple spots that are just coming in, but they're like kind of like fetching in a beauty mark. Salt and pepper. Yeah, does he speak? Or how do they speak? The banana? Like it's got a mouth? Yeah, it's got a mouth. Okay. It's got a mouth and a face. I'm trying to picture it in my head. It has an eyes, no nose, and a mouth. So is it like the internet meme, the dancing banana essentially? Oh, actually it is kind of like that, I guess. I hadn't thought about it that way, but yeah. All right.

It's peanut butter jelly time. And to be clear, there's a banana and a rat. Yeah, there's a banana playing with some coins, and then across the way on the opposite side of the room is a rat standing at a merchant's booth with a bunch of stuff in front of him. Hey, fellas, my name is Glenn. You guys engaging in some banana? So the banana, like...

Nothing happened. I'm sorry. I misspoke. Are you fucking kidding me? I misspoke. Sorry. I was just commenting on your banana. What did I do? No, no, no. You did nothing. I'm just commenting. I was just commenting on your... You resemble the banana. I'm sorry. I don't know what that is. That's what I'm telling you. It's what you resemble. I'm from a different world, man. You look like... I should have told you not to... The one word. And it's the first thing you say.

I am flaccid beyond recognition right now. Are you kidding me? Hold on, man. Hold on. Are you fucking joking right now? Hey, man. I'm going to leave you a very bad Yelp where I go to fucking the giant National Public Radio and just shout very loudly about how bad of an experience this was. Glenn, are you fucking this up? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I'm going to go ahead and cast...

Charm person on the man-sized banana to try and turn this around. All right, go ahead. That's a wisdom saving throw for me, right? A 13 wisdom saving throw. It's like Whiplash to hear you try to cast a spell. Like, oh, sure. That's right. I go, hold on, hold on, man. I was just, no harm intended, man. Let's make this as comfortable and as enjoyable experience as possible, my man. His anger kind of dissipates a little bit and he goes, I guess if you're new...

Sorry, I am you. That's all right. I'll give you one chance. We'll start all this up. Leave and come back in. All right. All right. No problem. I go back outside. Guys, I think I'm having a flashback. There's a man-sized banana. I know this sounds crazy. There's a man-sized banana. Glenn, there's not a man-sized banana in that room. And he told me the safe word is banana. Ron, that's the safe word. Don't say it. Oh, holy shit. Is it a ripe banana? It's a ripe banana.

It's if I was a banana like from Trader Joe's, it would be pretty. Oh, man, I'm freaking out, man. I chewed a steak and put an old man's mouth. You get back in there, buddy. OK, OK. I steal myself and go back in. And I go, sorry, just one thing really quick. Is this the cuck of the fin dom room? They've got the labels mixed up outside. He just stands. I just fucking like pushes his coins away. It goes, this is you've ruined it. You have completely ruined it.

Holy shit. And he just fucking stands up and takes his coins with him and then just fucking bolts, just walks right past you. It doesn't give a shit about you. The three of you who are standing outside of the boot room, you are knocked aside by an angry looking bipedal banana that just walks by in an absolute huff going fucking ridiculous. Hey, Darryl Wilson, nice to meet you. Where are you going, buddy? He just throws up a defiant hand and just walks away out of the fucking cave.

Sorry you had to split. Holy shit. Everybody roll a d4 damage. I guess this wasn't appealing. Ooh, good. I got a one, so I'm not going to come up with a joke. I'm so sorry. Oh, man, that dice is as slippery as a banana peel. For all those listening at home, the die fell on the floor, and I, thinking quick, I said it was as slippery as a banana peel.

There's still a rat in there, right? There is still a rat in there. Hey, rat dude. Yeah, what's up? Hey, what's your name, bud? My name is Shinji. Oh, cool. How's it going, man? It's going all right. It'd be going even better if you wanted to buy something. That guy was supposed to buy some stuff and he did not. So what are you into, my man?

Money. Money. All right. Dirty money, huh? I'm not one of those. I'm not part of this whole thing. Oh, I see how you're playing. I would prefer it if you just... I don't think it's going very well with Glenn. We should better go help him out. I run into the boot door room and I go, what's going on? What happened? I saw a big banana run out of there. Yeah, I don't know about that guy, but I think it's the rat here. This guy, Shinji, he's got a lot of stuff to sell. Shinji, I sit down in front of him like, what kind of wares you got?

Shinji. So I got some items sent in by some Patreon subscribers. Oh my God. Surreal shit. A blacksmith named Craig Elder created this. It's called the Ward Cleaver.

and it's an axe that removes magical enchantments. That's very good. That's a very good pun. I'll say Daryl Wilson, upon seeing the banana going past, definitely just came to join the rest of the dads in this room since everybody else seems to be in here. Hey, Daryl, did you hear this guy's on a knife called the Ward Cleaver? That's pretty cool. Yeah, an axe is pretty cool. I don't get it. As in from Leave it to Beaver, guys? Ward Cleaver. Oh, yeah.

Come on, Glenn. Wow, that's really good. Father of the beach. Yeah. One of my favorite dads. You want me to... How much is this? Oh, this would be a cool 10 gold coins. You'd be like haggling, huh? Glenn, Glenn, I don't... What about two gold coins? What if he's... No. What about two or a walkout?

So that's like all our money to buy the Ward Cleaver. What else you got? Hold on, hold on, hold on. You want me to buy this, don't you? He's not into it. He's not bananing. Wait, wait. Listen, Henry. Some men drive hard bargains. That's true. And some men are hard for bargains.

Yeah, come on, man. Try to keep an open mind, dude. Anyway. How many items you got? I got three to choose from. You want me to tell you all the items and then you can decide what you want to buy? Yeah, it feels like the people who paid to get those items in the shop would want to hear all their items said. So from the top, we got the Ward Cleaver, which again is an axe that destroys any magical enchantments. Is there a beaver I could leave it with? Oh boy. Oh boy. Why do people keep saying that? I have no idea. Yeah.

Then we got this sweet baby and he pulls up what looks to be a white, yellow and pink fanny pack. And he goes, this was made by a seamstress or what's the male version of a seamstress? A tailor named Alex Connell. And this is the fanny pack of holding. By the way, thank you to Jeremy Bauer, Haley Klein and Kyle Nargong for also submitting a similar item also called the fanny pack of holding. This may look like it doesn't take that much, but watch this. And he opens it up and

thrusts his hand into it and it goes like all the way, like it should have gone all the way through, but it's like, it's like bigger on the inside. Oh my gosh. It's like a magic trick. That's even better than my Patagonia fanny pack that I left back home. Yeah, it's, it's roughly two feet in diameter at the mouth and it's four feet deep. It can hold 500 pounds and if it's overloaded, pierced or torn, it ruptures and it's destroyed and its contents are scattered in the astral plane. That happened to me at Disneyland when we went with the,

Yeah. It was a real bummer. Granola everywhere. Sounds like a good way to get rid of a body. Definitely.

That's actually a really good point. Actually, incidentally, breathing creatures inside the fanny pack can survive in minutes equal to 10 divided by the number of creatures inside the pack. Oh, I said it sounds like a good way to get rid of a dead body. Oh, well, yeah, absolutely. Amazing at that. Yes, for sure. So what's the third item? So this one was made by... This is a very common name in the Forgotten Realm. So if you know somebody with this name, it's not this guy. It's a different guy. But Peyton Bennett's created...

Hayden. No, I cannot say enough. It's probably not the person that you've met. Well, we'll ask him. They're Dwarven Tinker and they made this. And it may look like a simple watch with several buttons on it and a small sort of digital screen on it with the words Casio written across the side. Yeah.

But when you put this on, you gain the ability of finger guns. And if you can use both hands in a finger gun action, you can shoot, in quotation marks, at a humanoid figure, and it'll make the enemy have disadvantage on their next charisma check or saving throw due to the sheer power of the move. But it has to be accompanied by a wink. If you don't remember to verbally state that you wink, you, the person with the watch, get disadvantage. Hey, how much is that Casillo? How much is the Casillo?

Also 10 coins. We'll take all three for 14, buddy. All three for 14. That's not, that's like less than 50%. That's all we got. I'm just telling you straight up right now. We got 14. We want all three of those items. You either take it or leave it. I understand if you can't, you're running a business, but you know, we're telling you straight. You can roll persuasion. Is that 13? Can somebody support me in persuasion? Excuse me, Mr. Rat. Let's put it this way, Rat, buddy.

What's your name? Shinji. Shinji. Well, most good businesses, and I would know I am a businessman. I'm a business person. Give me a card. Let's exchange cards. Yeah, this is my business card. All right, he takes one, and he, like, pulls out of the fanny pack of holding a business card of his that's, like, the size of him, and he hands it to you, and it just says, like, Shinji. Shinji.

It has no contact information whatsoever. I was going to say that the best businesses, and I would know because I am a businessman, are run by word of mouth. So, you know, I'm just saying that... Hey, we'll do some advertising for you, man. We'll do some, like, viral advertising. We'll give you 14... Get your name out there. 14 coins, gold, and then... 16 coins worth of free advertising. There's a concept in our world known as exposure. There's a lot of that around here. Well, I...

I'll do you one better. This is the kind of exposure that people would kill to get. What we got outside is a bright white metallic beast, and we can do what's called an ad wrap around it. And we can put your name on the side of it. We can put your sign. We can put your sign on the side of this main van. We're traveling all around these realms, and everyone we've seen, by the way, you can't miss it. You go anywhere. Go to... You ask them in Neverwinter. Ask them in Neverwinter, and everyone will remember that white van. It's a real iconic thing that's been driving around. The...

The land's everywhere. There's a beer. There's a beer company, Daryl Barrel Special. That is all over the entire South Coast now is all drinking beer because of our. There is a legendary vehicle in our world known as the Wienermobile. Again, they have that here, too. This is a mighty vehicle that is an advertisement for a brand of meat. And everyone knows it because of the Wienermobile. This could be your Wienermobile. All right. All right. You know what?

Let's say 10 gold and I get my name on your behemoth. Deal. Deal. That works for me, guys. All right. Perfect. I guess while you're dealing with whatever's in that other room, I'm going to just go plaster my lovely visage all over the sides of your behemoth. Okay. Don't wake up the child who's sleeping inside. Oh, I would never do that. You guys left a window open for Peyton, right? You come back and he's dead. I turn to the rest of the dads, very confident in myself, dusting my hands, being like...

I think Shinji got exactly what he wanted, guys. He was a business guy, and I don't know which one of those words it was, but I think I took care of him pretty well. You did a great job. You sure did. You did a good job, Glenn. Thanks, guys. I look at the other dad shaking my head vigorously. You're an inspiration to all BDSMers out there.

Oh, I'm so excited to open this door. Get in there, slugger. Which door are we going in again? You have the skull door. Oh, the skull door. Okay. Very inviting. I open up and I go, Yoo-hoo! So you see a beautiful female elf and a half-beautiful male half-elf. And he...

He is rubbing her ears and she's like moaning in delight. And then he sees you come in and goes like, oh no. And like steps away from her. Why are you here? What have you come here for? Ron's voice completely changes and becomes just a little bit more smooth and stuff. I came. It's so different. To fuck your stag. Wait, I mean, I came to.

to go stag on your stag. Wait a minute, I came to have a stag hen do, a stag affair. He's like nodding and sort of going, you're almost there with his fingers. And he goes like, oh no, don't do that, as his eyes get all big and bright. But I will do that. But don't, I don't want you to. I want you to go stag while I...

Hang out with your... I want you to watch, man. I want you to watch. Oh, no, don't make me do that. I'm gonna make you watch. He says, a smile slowly creeping onto his face. I approach the elf. I say, hello, how are you? He goes, I'm fine. You're much more attractive than him. Oh, thank you. I mean...

That's right, I am. And he goes, no, with a massive smile on his face. Anyway, would you like to... Something about anyway is the funniest thing you could have possibly said there. As I was saying. As I was saying, I don't think that you're...

Elvin husband would like us to hang out very much because when you hang out with a sampler you become a trampler but that's not like me saying that you're a tramp that's me being called a slut is not my thing personally so that's a yellow light on that one it's okay looks like we've got an audience of one and I'd like to keep it that way

Guys, guys, stop looking in the door. Daryl cannot stop watching. Daryl's having a reaction to this scene. He's just confused.

Daryl, Daryl, I turned Daryl around. Would you consent to having sexual relations with me while your husband elf watches? No, no, no. I mean, we usually... Mom, don't cheat on your wife. We usually just do the ear rubbing thing, but if you want to have full penetrative sex, I suppose we could do that. What's the difference? Oh!

Oh boy. You know what? When you put it that way, I guess there isn't one. So whatever you would prefer to do. I give her earlobes a little gentle tug. And she's like, oh. And the guy, so actually roll dexterity. I mean, Daryl like grabs his own earlobes. He's just kind of like, does that feel good?

18. All right. So she immediately starts moaning in ecstasy. And the guy has his palms on his cheeks, just pulling his cheeks down, going, oh, no. Like losing his fucking mind. I hate that I had to watch you do that. As Ron's pulling on her earlobes, he looks over and he's like, I'm sorry that you have to watch this, but I'm not sorry because I think that it's what you...

Anyway, I'm sorry that you have to watch this because I'm so cool. I'm having sex. The second you say, I'm having sex, both the half-elf and the elf just vibrate with the light and then sort of fall over. And she's like, that's the greatest ear job I've ever had.

And the half-elf is like, I've never felt like less of a man. Thank you so much. You are the epitome of all that is masculinity. What is your name? From here to the plains of Antasia, I will tell everybody that the name of True Manhood is... It's Ron Sampler. I also am a bit of a pop star. You sound like a true renaissance man. Truly.

And that's how it's done, fellas. You see the half-elf man and the elf woman leaving in a loving side shoulder embrace, just hugging each other and just smiling ear to ear. And they leave. And as they leave, hardball cough drop comes in and sort of sees them leaving and the massive smile on their faces. It kind of looks back at you four like, hey!

Not bad, not bad. We all did really good. Yeah, like three-fourths of us did really good. We did good BDSM. Yeah, you did. I got the Yelp reviews back. You got about three out of four. Wait, wait, wait. Three out of four? Yeah, yeah. Sir Banana was very displeased. Do you not know what fin-doming is or financial-doming? Is that not? Financial-doming? What are you supposed to do with that? Do you know? Oh, yeah.

What is it, Glenn? That's when you take over someone's finances and you charge up their credit card and stuff. Ideally, you should do that when they know about it. But otherwise, if you're just running a scam and you shoulder surf a couple of credit cards, I guess it's really not really the BDS. What you're talking about is a very different... No, it's... You're talking about fraud. Yeah, you're talking about thievery.

I thought you were talking about accounting brand basically. I was like, oh, I found my, Beth May has found her kink. Oh, so the banana wanted, banana. He wanted you to take his money and spend it on frivolous things. So I guess banana was the safe word as well. Yeah, banana is the safe word. Banana was his name. Oh. Who couldn't guess though? That's pretty close. They couldn't be more different if you have an understanding of the dialect. What did, what, did Shinji leave a review? Uh,

Uh, I don't. Oh, the merchant I hired? Yeah, he was really satisfied after I was done with him. No, he just, I saw him leaving on the way he came in. He was just like cackling to himself so happy. And then apparently you painted his, are you okay with him painting his name all over your van? Because it's like everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was, we thought that was part of his deal. Okay, well, great. I mean, he wasn't paying me, so I'm not going to like reward you for getting him off, but he seemed to be pretty happy.

Darryl realized that. So he painted it on the car, not put the business card. I thought we were going to tape the business card to the side, but it sounds like he did. It's like very big on all of them. Yeah, it's just a Shinji. Oh, okay. No, that's cool. Okay.

So, yeah, you said something about some items that we would be rewarded with if we helped you in your quest. Yeah, so I could either give you some items or I could just give you some cold hard cash. It's up to you. Yeah, we'll take the cash. Yeah, how about 40 gold? All right, yeah, that's great. No, I appreciate that, Ms. Hardrop. I appreciate you guys sort of stepping up so quickly, and I knew I was right to trust three-fourths of you when I first met you, and I'm really pleased with most of your behavior, so thank you so much. Bet you didn't guess which three, though. Boy, I didn't.

I tell you what, if I had to pick one person who would not have fucked this up, it would have been that one. Oh, no, but I did. I did fuck this up. I fucked it up. I fucked it. No, you did great. You did great. I saw how happy they were. You did. If you ever want to come back here...

If you ever want to return here and, you know, have a full time gig, I would be more than happy to have you. Oh, wow. This is this is the second offer of that nature. I mean, not sexually, but a lot of people have been wanting my services and my variety of talents.

But right now, I just want to call my wife, Samantha, and let her know that I had sex. Well, hardball cough drop. This was a really great experience for us. And if we ever want to come back, we'll just recall you. Ricola. Like I was doing a Ricola joke because of a cough drop.

oh goodness that joke gave me laryngitis god no nobody has to roll uh we'll come back to these these these halls it took me so long to grok that oh my goodness two damage on me all right everybody just take that damage just fucking just wade into that it's the way that he like put the stank on it because he knew it wasn't good so he tried to force it through he disgusts me will

We figured out what my kink is. Do you want to call your wife? No. Okay. Then the four of you pack back into the Honda Odyssey. What does Odyssey look like? Now it just got Shinji written on both of the doors and on the hood. There's just a picture of Shinji the rat doing finger guns.

no contact information again nothing nothing peril is very upset well guys we had a great adventure just now and i want to thank all you dads for being great participants in it unfortunately we only have three items so one dad is going home empty-handed um three of the dads are in one of the dads is out

Why don't we all just find out on dead tank? Why don't we all simultaneously say what we want? Okay. That sounds great. And then that way we can see who's, there's a problem with like, and then, uh, then we can kind of, I mean, look guys, I mean, now that I think about it, I think I did kind of bone that one up. I could have sworn it was the rat.

Oh, sorry about your van. But I have the battle axe of hatred here, so I'm not too worried. That's true. He got a cool thing last time. I got a thing. So you guys can split. It's fine. It's no big deal. Whatever. I mean, the real items gain was the BDSM we did along the way. That's true, Ron. And Ron, what item do you want? Because I feel like of everyone, I feel like your customers left the most happy.

Oh, let's see. This is a tough decision. I'm so charming by myself. And so I'm torn between the watch and the fanny pack. But, you know, my pants already support so much storage. I'm going to go with the watch. And then I'm going to give you just a finger gun without the watch even. Oh, all right there. But I don't wink.

I stare at Ron, who's not winking at me. As that's going on, I'm like, I'll take the fanny pack. All right. Well, I appreciate that. I really want this cleaver. That's great. Yeah. Okay. Well, that worked out with no conflict whatsoever. I'm glad we did that, everybody. That was great. So. How does this one end? Let's never talk about this again. Ha ha ha ha.

♪ It's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ Even if you die, it'll be alright ♪ ♪ It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ All you do is try, it'll be alright ♪

And I'll see you next time.

You can thank them for this BDSM audio experience yourself by heading over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. And while you're over there, consider becoming one of them. You'll get access to our Discord server, bonus content like an after-show discussion podcast called Talking Dad where we discuss the events of the campaign and answer listener questions and more. That's at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.

Twitter, Dungeons and Dads. Facebook, bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads. Subreddit, r slash Dungeons and Daddies. Next episode is next week, July 1st, which is barbecue time. So make sure you visit fda.gov and review their safe food handling guidelines. Thanks, everyone. We'll see you then. There was a time we'd eat between to know they never brought you down. Sure. So you didn't do one, so you got to take some damage.

He did a really good one. I'm focusing on so many things. No, no, that's fair. Like 75% of my brain is trying to not be problematic right now.

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