Ep. 11 - From Dusk 'til Dad
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Welcome to the official Unfortunate Foster Children Fighting League podcast number 462. This week we're headed down to Waterdeep over to the Bullywog Strawweight Division where fan favorite Gunnar Duckworth suffered a major upset defeat to newcomer Nick Close in a triple threat match. Now we don't have any audio with Nick. Unfortunately, eyewitnesses say he disappeared into thin air, but we can hear from fighter Peyton Bennett. Let's go now down to the ring.

Peyton, it looks like you fell right as the match started, which allowed Nick to get that early submission on you. What happened? Oh, yeah, no, I threw the fight, like, for sure. Glenn told me that he would get me out of here if I threw the fight so his kid could pit me, so I just did that because, like, I've never won a fight before, so, like, why start now? It gives a shit.

Next question. You're looking at a career record of zero wins, 278 losses now. What's next for you as an unfortunate foster child? Yeah, but my days of unfortunate foster children fighting are behind me. I have officially joined up with these four weird dads in their van.

We're going to find this guy Ron's kid. He's a real wild card. But, yeah, who knows? His kid seems like he might be a little bit cooler than him. I don't know if that seems too difficult. Not that I should. Peyton doesn't like to judge. You know, Peyton's just trying to do his own thing. Thank you, Peyton. Best of luck to you. ♪♪♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, a sometimes BDSM podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms on a quest to rescue their lost sons in the context of Dungeons and Dragons. I am Freddie Wong, and I play Glenn Close, rock cover band, Bard Dad, and...

We all leveled up in between the previous episode and this one. So we're now level four. And at level four, the dad fact of mine ties into this. We learned that Glenn Close's feat at level four is to become an actor. I gained one charisma, which I need. And I have advantage on deception performance checks when trying to pass yourself off as a different person. And I can mimic the speech of another person or the sounds made by other creatures you've heard for at least a minute.

The way I see it is this. Glenn has traveled the world. He's done his fair share of shows internationally, Christmas shows internationally. It's important to relate to the crowd. And this gives me an excuse to use Glenn's Australian accent. Oh, God. Oh, no. Welcome to the final episode of Dungeons & Dragons.

But Glenn's always fancied himself a thespian of sorts, if not on stage in a dramatic context than in a musical one. But he's like, I could do that. I could act. He pretends to know what he's doing all the time. Yeah, there you go. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Ron F. Stampler. It's been so long since I've heard the Ron voice. It just feels good. Hi.

I talk in Ron voice all the time. My friends are leaving me. They're like, Beth, we can't handle only Ron. No gods, no kings, only Ron. Ron is an emotionally scented stepfather and a rogue, and Ron also leveled up. Oh, yeah? Yeah, so his new feat, Ron is an actor. He's a thespian. So Ron gains plus one charisma. Ha ha!

And has advantage on deception and performance checks when trying to pass yourself off as a different person. If you also have an Australian accent, I'm ending the podcast right now. And shout out to my new roommate, Dane. Oh, God damn it. Fuck ass shit. Says his friends up in Vancouver listen to the podcast. Oh, that's actually pretty good. Never mind. You kind of ruined me over. You're going to accent shame me? Yep. Like that, Matt? What can I say? I'm an actor.

Where did the acting love of like acting come from? Was Ron like high school plays or? I think he was one of the sheep in the nativity play. Yeah.

In early youth. What's his sheep voice sound like? Sheep don't say anything. But there are no small parts. That was Ron's response when the teacher was like, hey, Ron, you're supposed to bah. He was like, no, sheep don't say anything. Yeah, he was playing the... I feel like Matt just set you up for an alley-oop and you just let him sail into the backboard. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I've been yes-handing all week, and it just really hasn't gone well. I'm Will Campos. I forgot my laptop today, so I'm on pen and paper D&D. I'm the only one actually playing a pen and paper role-playing game right now. That's true. On a tabletop. Who do I play? I play Henry Oak, granola-munching, Birkenstock-rocking, nature-hippie-druid dad. Fun fact about Henry Oak this week, Henry is observant.

Oh, what does observant do? Henry at his fourth level discovered that his wisdom score has gone up by one and he can read lips now. Whoa. Yeah, I thought that'd be a fun one. That's useful. He decided he needed to learn how to read lips after the skullduggery and treachery that happened in the last adventure. Oh, yeah. I'm also very, very excited. I have a dad thing I'm very excited about. Does reading lips mean that you can kiss better now? Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Is that what they call it when you go in? I guess Daryl will find out soon enough. Henry also learned a new spell that he's very excited to share with you called Druidcraft. Whispering to the spirits of nature, Henry can create one of the following effects within range. You can instantly make a flower blossom, a seed pod open, or a leaf bud bloom. Wow.

Isn't that fun? That's very on brand for him. And he can also create a tiny harmless sensory effect that predicts what the weather will be at your location for the next 24 hours. Oh, my God. Sorry, I don't understand. Henry can create a magic thermostat that sees into the future and true death. Holy shit. Does it also give you the ability to detect slight temperature fluctuations in an indoor environment? That's very good. Druidcraft definitely lets you tell if someone's touched the thermostat.

I can also instantly snuff out a candle, which feels like you could do that anyway. So you have human fingers? Yes.

And I can create an instantaneous harmless sensory effect such as falling leaves, a puff of wind with the sound of a small animal or the faint odor of a skunk. Wow. And a five foot cube. So this is such a weird thing. What asshole wrote that? Like, oh, it's a skunk. It's like, oh, cool. So they can like freak people out and make them scared of the smells. Like, no, it's a faint odor of a skunk. Thanks, DM. You could sell your services to the sort of hotels of the land just by being like, I can make white noise for the sleeper. Oh, yeah, that's true. You're like a

free white noise. If any of you guys need a white noise generator, apparently you're an ASMR dad now. Yeah, ASMR dad. Oh my gosh. Is that a subgenre on YouTube? ASMR dad? Could be. Don't Google it. Don't Google it right now. Go ahead, Matt. Go ahead and introduce yourself. I'm Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, stay-at-home coach. Dad is a barbarian. I'm so proud of you.

So proud. Which means that, I mean, I'm a barbarian. I'm not making flowers grow or learning voices. I can punch harder now. That's what happens when I level up. Tavern brawler. So, tavern brawler. So, my fun fact, or my dad fact, is Daryl loved watching his favorite movie with his son, Grant, which was Top Gun. Good choice. But he would always fast forward during that steamy sex scene until he finally walked in on his son watching it by himself, and that's how the talk got started. Oh, wow.

You actually had the talk. Unfortunately, that means that now Grant will never watch Top Gun again ever with Daryl because it's too uncomfortable. Yeah. That's how you watch Top Gun is you watch through the sweaty beach volleyball scene and then fast forward through the sex scene. That's the way to do it. Daryl didn't think his son was ready at 10 years old to learn about the sweet lovemaking that happened between Tom Cruise and... He didn't get any of the subtext in the volleyball scene. No, Daryl does not get any of the subtext in the volleyball scene. Yeah, Kenny Loggins wrote that song for him. Every time he's called again...

Oh, that's right. Playing with the boys. Every time that volleyball scene goes on, Daryl points at them and goes, hey, you know, back in the day in college, your dad looked like that. Which one, Goose? Do you think kids today even get the talk?

Like kids have the internet. I never got the talk. I had the internet. I don't think so. My version of the talk was my mom just bought like a book about sex, like for kids and then just left it in downstairs. And when she was like, well, there's a book down there about stuff. If you want to read it, go read it. And I was like, mom, gross. And then like the next day I was like, Oh, check that book out.

I had to talk. Did you have the talk ready? Now that I think about it, no. I feel like you guys are such nerds that like your parents are like, they're never going to need this. You'll be 30 by the time this information becomes relevant. My parents taught me about like menstruation and nothing else. Like they thought that it ended there. This is all you need to know. Yeah. My dad just told me to keep it above the belt and I didn't.

And that's why I'm so fucking cool. I don't know what keep it above the belt means. And now I host a D&D podcast. Yeah, now I host a D&D podcast and I'm bringing that real tale. Yeah. Look at me now. I'm balls deep. I'm Anthony Burchard, Daddy Master. And I'm balls deep. So let's do, let's pretend to be fucking wizards. There's not a single wizard among us. You know that, right? Oh shit, I forgot.

Let's cut to you guys as you're leaving Bullywogs with, for some reason, Payton, the worst MMA fighter of all time. For some reason. Everyone knows why. With our new son, Payton. Our beautiful boy, Payton. Do you think that they will split the check? They automatically deducted the check from your child fighting winnings. So thankfully that has been handled. How much do we have now? You had 12 silver before. I fucked up and called it gold later. But.

But whatever. You won a lot of money. You can't take it back. We got gold. You got gold now. Congratulations. All the forgotten realms have now switched to the gold system. It's every libertarian's dream. Ron Paul, grand wizard of the... Not grand wizard. No, not grand wizard. No.

We have to meet a grand wizard at some point in this campaign so we can goof on that. But yeah, so now you have 12 gold. Do we get any like to go? Like, do we get any? It's up to you. Do we get some chicken fingers to go, guys? We can't reheat this up. This is so gross. I think I can probably whip up a cantrip to heat up those chicken fingers. He has that thing where he can blow wind for and he's got the thermostat app. I have the app.

You know, all of our feats are just apps on our phones. Hey, Peyton. Hey there, buddy. I'll go to the bathroom once we get in this van. Everybody needs to go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom now. I'm not pulling this thing over. I go to the bathroom every time I fight. I evacuate all of my feelings. Do you need to clean anything up before you get in the van? No. My body perfectly absorbs all moisture. It's just a closed ecosystem. Everything that goes out goes in and vice versa. Matt has a question. Is Peyton human?

Yeah.

He's just mastered his fucking chi, dude. Just like lay off of him. I'm just a lead being fighting and pissing machine. Daryl, when he opens the door, he puts a towel underneath the seat where Peyton's going to be saying, hey, Peyton, buddy, go ahead and just sit on this towel when you get in here. Glenn, I want to check in. When I watched my two boys, my beautiful boys, Larkin and Sparrow, disappear in a smoke in front of me, it was a rough one. I just want to take your temperature now that, you know, we've kind of buried the hatchet, so to speak, and just see how you're doing, bud.

That'd be fine. It'd be fine. Check it out. I'm going to text him right now. I'm going to pull out my phone and send a text being like, you good, bro? Okay, roll for your phone. 17. The phone stays on. So you very quickly receive a text back. It's an image. And it's the man with the purple robe with a dark face, like just sort of doing a peace sign.

Yeah, see, he's fine. He's hanging out with this dude. I think he learned how to use your son's phone. Oh, geez. Well, okay, I don't want to rattle your cage, so I'm going to just assume that you're going to have some sort of breakdown later. He's going to be fine. This purple robe figure feels a little, that's kind of an immature pose. I'm just saying I'm being a suspect. He looks really cool. Yeah, well, yeah, cool like a kid, right? Like not like an adult. No, he looks really cool. Does anybody have a robe that I could borrow? I'm an actor. I need a costume.

Uh, well, uh, all right, uh, Ron, uh, any, any of you guys got a robe? Peyton, give me that towel. Uh, no, go ahead. Keep that towel. I don't need it. I take the towel. I'm the least moist person you've ever met. No problem. Okay. Gotta be dry to stay limber in the ring. Well, actually this is Matt for Game Master. How long do we have before we got to return those books? You've got a week left. You should, assuming that whatever you do with Terry Jr. takes less than three days, uh,

be able to get there on time without the time running out but maybe you'll find some stuff that makes it take longer holy shit guys and he's introducing like Majora's Mask mechanics into the game I mean it's already taken longer because I guess these last few episodes were a whole week already so there's travel time I'll say I'm starting to get to that every time we rescue one of our really funny and Christian I

I'm starting to get T.O.'d that every time we rescue one of our sons, this guy turns them into frickin' smoke and takes them away. My question is, if we're going to go, whoever we go to go rescue next, it sounds like the group consensus is Terry Jr. so that no one gets their face eaten off and has to die. We just have to do it quickly so that we can return those books. We got to make it snappy. He sent a photo back, right? Yeah. Is that photo like geotagged or anything?

What's the metadata on that? You know, my beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow, are always talking about computer stuff. And I kind of pick it up every now and then. I've read an issue of Wired in my day. And I remember hearing about how there were these Al Qaeda guys and they got figured out because they were taking Instagram photos at their terrorist base. And there was like a little number or something that told you where it was. Yeah, the iPhone does add location data to all photos that it sends. What does it say? It says...

That it was taken in a place called Ravenloft. Wow, it actually says Ravenloft. Listen, don't discount the iOS engineers. They've been marking out and geotagging. Everything's meta-tagged. Ravenloft. Hey, Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. Yeah, what's up? What do you know about Ravenloft? Oh, you do not want to go to Ravenloft. There used to be this guy there, Strahd Von Zarovich. He was a big evil vampire lord. He died. He's long gone. So it's been filled in with a lot of like

weird demon people, angry wizards, like a lot of dark magics kind of come from that area. It's not a cool place to chill. Sounds like Los Angeles. Am I right guys? Film people. Stern laughs a lot, not understanding what it is, but he just wants to sort of be part of it. So this is a big lead. Yeah, this is a big one. So I, this is pretty important. Could you take my picture in the purple robe and send it back to Nick?

I'll put up the peace sign. Ready? Peace. Cheese. I'll take that photo. Somewhat confused. And my phone dies. No!

Okay. Gosh darn it, Ron. I did think it took before. It's on your phone. It is on my phone. It didn't get sent. Oh, okay. Then that's fine. That's fine. You got the photo. Guys, it's all okay. I'm really glad I took that photo. All right. Well, unfortunately about your phone there, Glenn. You really don't have a charger in this thing? Not an iPhone. I got my old classic Nokia, which this bad boy doesn't need charging anytime soon.

But I'd really appreciate if you would sit on that towel, Peyton. Peyton's already asleep. Oh, little tykes asleep. He looks very cute while he sleeps. Oh, everybody get in very quietly. What does he sound like when he snores? All right, everybody get in and don't wake up Peyton, everybody. This is some dad ASMR. Yeah, dad ASMR. I'm starting the engine as quietly as I can. Peyton, put your shoes on, we're at Grandma's. No!

And the beast roars to life. And he stares a little bit. Oh, he's so tuckered out. He's so cute.

I think what we got to do here is we got to be quick about it, but we got to get Ron's kid. Okay. I'm going to stipulate that along the way, we got to try to figure out a way to keep Terry Jr. from getting disappeared into smoke. But here's the thing. We're 0 for 3 right now. I know. And then the purple robe guy who looks so cool keeps telling you guys that you're not good fathers. And I'm just like, how do I...

contend with being so good that I don't make you guys feel bad. We'll deal with that when we get there. We're going to have to cross that bridge when we get there, Ron. I just don't want Terry to disappear because of something I did. I've seen that happen a few times before and sometimes it's because I you know, I got him his mom's purse instead of his backpack when he says that's my backpack or sometimes he asks for a cola and I, you know, I'm

Get him milk because that's what my father always gave me. And I just, I don't want to make any more mistakes. CERN reaches out a hand. He puts it on your arm and he's like, you probably will. We all make mistakes, Ron. But that's being a dad as I remember it. Yeah. You know, we all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes have big consequences. Like what happened with our mistake with Lizard Boys Kills McStuffins. Wait, wait, what? What?

I your mistake in my kids. What are you talking about? Oh, I just mean that we we blame ourselves for what happened, of course, because we were there and we were doing our best and things got out of control. So we just deep. You know, we blame ourselves for everything that's going on. Sir, you blame yourselves in the abstract for everybody role deception. If you're trying to not. I did not know. He didn't know. Oh, my God. Oh, this is 18.

Three. Five. I got a one. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay, CERN, Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins, there's something I need to come clean about. You can see he's breathing faster. I honestly thought you knew this. So you remember the pyramid that crushed your sons? Yes. Well, there's no easy way to say this, but that might have been our fault.

We crushed your kids. No, no, Ron. We did not crush your kids. We were in the middle of a battle and we had magic beans and

And we didn't know what they did. And when the beans fell out and a pyramid appeared, we were just your kids. We were just as surprised as anybody else. And he jumps at Daryl and grabs you by the fucking neck. Buddy, we did not know what was going to happen. We were in the middle of a fight. It was chaos. I thought you saved my life. I mean, I mean, you took my life from me. My kids were my life. Our Wookiee life. That's bullshit. Now it means nothing. My bow is broken. I was wrong.

Uh, hi, CERN. Can I? He just slowly fucking turns his head. If it was an accident, because it was an accident. I want to be clear. This wasn't like a we killed your kids on purpose situation. This was we were in the fight of our lives. And furthermore, I would like to add CERN, sir, that you were working for the guy that captured us and that we were going to get killed. Henry, Henry, stop for a second. CERN. Daryl has tears in his eyes. You have every right to be mad.

I thought you knew I'm whatever you need to do, whatever is happening. We're sorry. As he said, it was an accident. We're just trying to escape. But I hear you, buddy. You lost your kids. That's tough. There's nothing I can say. Tears just begin to stream down his eyes and then his arms go slack and you just sort of feel all the fight go out of him. Stop the fucking car.

I stop the car. And without another word, without even a glance back at you, he opens the door, he walks into the forest, and he just sort of disappears. Guys, we gotta, we, but we, what, but, oh, oh no, oh my god. I roll down the window, and I watch Cern disappear into the forest, and I reach into my pocket, and I pull out the last Charleston shoe I have.

Does he?

No. It just gets smaller and smaller as you drive into the distance and slowly, uh, fog begins to obscure everything from view behind you. The sort of pall that's fallen over the party, uh, is only exacerbated by what you see when you crest a hill. There is a thick,

Black fog all around you and you see the plants slowly turn from, you know, relatively, I guess Henry especially notices, would turn from relatively vivacious, you know, sort of flowers and crops into thorny, twisted, blackened plant life. Life isn't even the right word for it. It just they're growing, but it feels like they're not growing out of some sense of actual life.

life but something far darker and more horrible like maleficent yeah kind of maleficent malevolence maleficent would be the villain from sleeping oh okay like her like her ivy like her crazy spiky okay yeah she makes big spiky ivies oh you're totally right yeah fuck me right

What's also weird is that it felt like it was high noon when you were driving out here, but now it's just it might as well be midnight. And as you cross the hill, you see two things that really catch your eye. The first is what seems to be a little farm town with a lot of shadowy figures moving around in it.

And then just behind that, a tower that reaches into the sky that is made of blackened stone. Freddie Wong here. As we enter the fog, the Honda Odyssey's 2013 daytime running lights will turn on and give us a little bit of fog illumination. Just throwing that out there. As that happens, you see some of the figures in the village sort of turn towards you. And then like... The daytime running lights! And then they kind of all run into their homes. Ron turns to comment on the weird weather to Cern, but then notices that Cern's not there and says...

Oh, well, there's really reflecting the mood, huh? Dad's what has happened to this land. Henry goes full Legolas for a second, a foul corruption, uh,

What are your Birkenstock eyes seeing? The sanctity of this place has been fouled. I'm quaking in my Birkenstocks, boys. Is that Diablo? Yes, you are the first person in my entire life, no joke, of saying that exact phrase and nobody getting what I'm saying to recognize that. Holy shit, Anthony. That's good shit. That's why I bring in the fucking pussy. Fucking yes!

This is why I hang out with Anthony, everybody. Now you know. Beth may hear. No.

Oh, boy. And real quick, what's this place called again? This place is called Roqueport. This is Roqueport. Oh, do we know that? How do we know that? Actually, oh, yeah. Sorry, you drive by a sign that's swinging off of its hinges that says Roqueport. Rocheport. I think it's French, man. French, yeah, French. I've been to France. You have? Yeah. Oh, when were you in? Our honeymoon. Oh, that's wonderful. Rocheport. Is that Italian? And, uh...

I do want to, for the record, note that Matt did the Mamma Mia hand gesture. In case there was any doubt and anyone's listening to this is mine. Guys, looks like we're at a rock-a-port. I'm still doing the hand gesture.

Well, uh, Terry's supposed to be here, right? Uh, Daryl stops the car and, uh, take a look around. Terry? Oh, guess he's not here. Guess we gotta go. Well, we're gonna look for him harder than that, Ryan. Hey, uh, hey, Payton, wake up a little, buddy. Ugh. Whoa, whoa. We're, uh, here. Have you ever been here? No, why are we here? Payton, have you ever been to Rocketport? No, I've heard pretty shitty things about it. What have you heard about it? What have you heard? No, I shouldn't have known. The second I say I know anything, you're gonna fucking grill me on all the details.

I was like a little buddy. You just woke up. You don't have to tell us right now. I mean, I can tell you. It's like it was just like a little idyllic town. They would occasionally give us some of their kids to like fight. How were the quality of the fighters out of Rock? They were hardy folk. They like they seem to eat well. They seem to be happy. Taking notes on this in case I do run across UFC fights again.

They're pretty good. But there was a while there where they started getting like skinnier and skinnier when they would come in and then like really, really sallow. And I guess maybe this explains that it doesn't look like their crops are doing so well or their, you know, anything. Speaking of sallow, are you hungry there, Baden?

Oh, I'm always hungry. I'm constantly peeing in reams over my own nutrients. Of course I'm hungry. Glenn, can you go ahead and toss us some of those power bars we got back there around to everybody? I think we should all protein up before we go there. I'd like to roll up like a perception check around kind of this area. If there's like a good central location, like a town square or something that we can find ourselves. That's going to be a 14 perception.

So, yeah, there's a tavern in the center of the town that seems to be where you stand the best chance of finding people to talk to. Boys, I think it's going to be another roll into town and pull up into a tavern kind of episode. Is there a druid thing that Henry can do to kind of sense the auras of the land, so to speak? Yeah, you could roll nature, I believe, is one of them. Is nature a thing? Yes, nature. Nature is a thing. Okay, yes, definitely roll that. Okay, all right. Oh, we got a...

Oh, great. So you can tell that whatever is corrupting these lands, and they are corrupted, this is not natural. It is definitely originating from that tower. If I know my fantasy novels, which I do, my reckoning would say that that dark, ominous tower is causing some sort of corruption over this land. Your nature is only because you've just read all of them? Yes, I want to canonically establish that all of his wisdom comes from fantasy novels. From the Silmarillion. Silmarillion.

You know, a lot of R.A. Salvatore. Matt Arnold also wants to play Dungeons & Dragons and roll something. Can I roll perception? Yeah, sure.

I was specifically trying to perceive what they were wearing and stuff since we had those jerseys and stuff, but I only got a 10. Oh, well, a 10 at least lets you realize that you noticed as people started walking into their homes, a lot of them were kind of hunched over and seemed to be older. I would also like to check perception. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Let's play some fucking D&D. I got it.

Something bad. I got a six. Plus one, so seven. Okay, yeah. Now, you definitely noticed exactly what they did, if not three less. Can I look around to see? Can we pull the car kind of behind a tree or whatever? Oh, you think you want to come in stealth style? Yeah, let's go. Guys, let's go ahead and walk the rest of the way. And those people, you're saying that they look pretty famished over there? Yeah, I mean, with the kids they brought in, it looked like they weren't eating as well.

Let's go ahead and take some of that jerky and power bars I got and pack them in our pockets, guys, and see maybe that'll help out. Yeah, a little bribe, a little, you know, a little help. I was going to say we could spread our bounty to the famished people of this land. Oh, I mean, if it's going to be helping us get Terry, I mean, we should just give it away. We only have so much, Henry. I was thinking if we got hungry going. Well, yeah, that too. That too.

Henry, you know what? Everybody will carry some except for you, Henry. I'm a little worried that you're just going to give out them. I'm just, there are hungry people here. I think we should try to take care of them, you know? All right, I'm going to give you one. Okay. You can give this one to anybody you want, even if they don't seem hungry just because you want to. But the other ones are for us and for helping our, you know, find out where Terry is, which is the most important thing, right, Henry? I'm going to burn a Sam's Club membership, Henry, to be able to get these bulk jerky box for you to give it away.

Tending Tom, Dick, or Harry in a fucking forgotten realm. I go catch, and then I roll athletics to see how good of a throw my... Oh my god, we're really playing D&D here. I throw a power bar at Henry. Twelve. Alright, do I have to make like an athletics to catch this fucking thing? No. You certainly don't. I'm doing it, and I got a 19 minus one. An 18. An okay throw? A fantastic catch. Nice catch there, Henry. Sorry about that weak throw. That's okay, bud.

How tall is the tower? The tower looks to be about 10 stories tall. Okay. I'm 5'4", so if anybody wants to get on these shoulders, maybe we can climb up it. Climb away. You know what? I think let's reconnoiter in the area, and then, you know, maybe that's a good plan. We'll file that away for later. I know we're kind of in a hurry, but I do have a quick question since I just opened up the trunk to get those power bars. I just noticed, hey, Glenn. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a lot of these flowers back here. Oh, ha. Yeah. Oh, geez. Those must have been just extras from extra what role deception. That's a 15 deception. Okay. So you feel like maybe you can get rid of those if you want. Yeah, I'm getting rid of them. I pull them out of the minivan and chuck them in the woods.

I'm glaring at you the whole time, though. I definitely was like, something was up. What would I have to roll to... Now you guys decide you want to play D&D? Now? 10 episodes in? Excuse me. As I was saying, what would I have to roll for Ron to shout out to any potential Rapunzels up in that tower to let down their hair? You wouldn't have to roll. You could just shout. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down...

Your hair. We're really far away, aren't we? Hey, Ron. Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Ron, just maybe let's check out the tavern or something first before we just start screaming into the void, huh? I'll be here, Rapunzel. Whenever you let down those lovely locks. Just sidebar with Henry. Does Ron not know the difference between like fairy tales and like

fantasy Lord of the Rings shit? You know, more and more, I don't think I know the difference. So I'm kind of willing to go with it and see what happens at this point. So is that a magic spell? What's a Rapunzel? It's a fun story, kiddo. Well, you know, I think there might be a DVD of Tangled somewhere in this van.

We'll tell you all about it later. Cool, cool. So when you yell Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, at the top of the tower, some dark ravens sort of fly away from the tower and you realize that there is a balcony at the very top of the tower where presumably somebody could sort of stand and just look down at the people beneath. Hmm.

Hmm. Okay. Well, Ron, let's go try to find Terry. Let's head over that in. Seems like a good place to get information. The tavern. So you head to the tavern. Is there a cool name? No, there's no name on it. If there was one, it's sort of been worn away by the moisture of the fog. Like you could see actually this weird like warped sign that used to probably have the name on it. But now it just looks perverted and weird and the art is all messed up. So it's like dicks all over it. No, perverted in a different sense. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Henry touches the sign and does Legolas voice again and says, a foul evil is corrupted the sign. I'm sorry, guys. I don't know why I keep doing that. I'm just getting into the mood, I guess. Are you nervous we not go in there, Henry? You're saying some weird stuff. We should be cautious. Oh, okay. All right, let's go in. Is Peyton tagging along with us? Yeah. Yeah, we're not leaving him at the minivan. Because you guys might need some muscle. Good point, Peyton. You got to be out of that shitty town so I feel like I could, you know,

And now we're back in a bar. Your favorite place. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you want me to fight somebody for money, I can do it. Oh, you don't have to fight for money anymore now, Peyton. You're with us. But I like that, so... Well, you know, we'll figure that out. Boston's got a W, you know what I mean? I think you'll really like this thing called football when we get back to the... Well... You have to explain it to me, but... Yeah, well, it's fun. It's like fighting. Well...

I like it already. All right. I'm a slip paid in, by the way, my Leatherman, which has a knife, which was previously my weapon prior to nunchucks. Ooh, thanks. This is some good shit. Does he have to do slide of hand to see if any of us notice him do that? Yeah, are you trying to hide it? Yeah, and I do a 19. Nobody sees it. He palms it. He winks at you because he's weird. He's just like, wink. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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So you enter the tavern and a wave of emotional sadness just hits you. It's like every empty eyed person you've ever seen trying to drink away their misery. It's like they all came here. You see a lot of older people. They're hunched over their bags under their eyes. They're nursing goblets of something that doesn't look very good. Budweiser. Yeah, it's like Bud.

and everyone's just moving really slow. Do they look at us or respond to us or anything? The bartender raises his eyes to sort of see you and he sort of squints. That's what I'm doing right now. And then he just goes back to cleaning glasses and stuff. All the other patrons of the bar are just too busy just drinking to even give a shit that you're in there.

Hi, is it seat yourself or is there a hostess? Can we just grab a booth or... The bartender just looks up at you and just like nods and then sort of points vaguely at the bar where there are a bunch of open seats. One of you choose to roll perception. 17. Because sad dive bars are Ron's specialty, really, right? Let's be honest.

So you notice that everyone here, not only in the bar, but peeking out of the windows as you approached the bar, no one here seems to be under the age of like 20. Everybody seems to be on the older side, or if they're in their 30s, they have the wear and tear of somebody who's been through a lot more than that. No kids. Hey, where are the kids in this town, huh? Ha ha ha!

The people that were drinking just look up at you and just like put their heads in their hands and they put their drinks down and they just start sobbing. No, hey, I didn't mean to make you sad. I just meant you all look so old.

I think we walked into something pretty bad here. The bartender just looks at you and goes, yeah, misery tends to have that effect on people. Hey, Daryl Wilson, nice to meet you. Sorry about my friend there. We weren't talking about no kids in general. We're actually looking for a specific kid. We're looking for Ron's son, Terry. My son.

I used to call him my stepson, but he's my son. He's my son. He doesn't look anything like me. He's not related to me biologically at all. But he looks like, shoot, I wish I had a picture of him or could remember. He's taller than I am. And he's got some sandy blondish hair. And he's got this frown.

On his face. Oh my God. And he's a real good boy. The bartender says like, there's a lot of frowning going around. Let me save you the trouble. Just leave. Hey, I came here though. I'm not a stepfather. I'm the father that stepped up. And I came here to Rogue Pot.

All the way to get my stepson, Cherry Jr. Your kid's got to be dead by now. Just like everybody else's. What's going on in this place here, man? They don't like us to talk about it, but you notice the big ominous tower? Yeah. We did see that, yeah. Kids go in there and they don't come out. Or if they do, they ain't the same. What do you mean by not the same? I don't know.

I can't say anymore. He doesn't like it when we tell people what's going on. Who doesn't like it when you tell people what's going on? I'm not supposed to tell you what's going on. You think I'm going to tell you the name of the guy who told me not to tell you what's going on? Who told you not to say that guy's name? This is infinite recursion. This could go on forever. What's infinite recursion? How long has this been happening? Oh, God.

At least six months. Do you happen to remember a kid coming into town about a week ago? Well, he, and the way he says he seems to have a capital H on it. Two, three weeks ago, he came back from Neverwinter with a, well, with a kid.

Kind of look like not you, if that's what we're... That's a lead. That's close. He looks like not me. Yeah, he looked very much not like you. I mean, based off of what the other kids have gone up to, it wouldn't be surprising if Terry got caught up with a dangerous sort of gentleman. True. Well, on the plus side, Ron, if he was his companion of some sort...

You know, he's probably helping him kill the kids, maybe not actually be dead himself. Yeah, Terry Jr. could be just as evil. That would be fabulous. That would be great, but, you know, there's a chance he's alive and there's a chance that we can help out. Hey, Dad Huddle, for a second. Okay, guys, give us one second, sir. I mean, it makes no difference to me either way. Can I actually have a beer, by the way? It's been a tough day. Yeah, sure. That'll be a... Well, it was going to be a silver piece, but we recently had to transfer to the gold standard. That's fine. We're going to...

I'll give you any hands you a flag and of just like the most rancid looking Budweiser smelling ass beer. I had a power bar say, hey, this is a pretty good food. Some protein just wraps it and eats it. And with no expression change on his face, he goes, this is the most delicious thing I've ever had. I'm glad I just drink the whole beer as Henry starts talking in one gulp.

As fast as I can. I was just going to say, it sounds like this guy knows something. Glenn, maybe you could use some of your charm on that guy. I've kind of, I got to say, as a musician on the road, there's an itch when you walk into a dive bar and you see a bunch of glum folks. Hey, Peyton.

What's a good song? What's one that everyone kind of loves? A banger hit, if you will. Like a toe-tapper, like a happy one that your parents like, or one that really resonates with the kids? Let's go with the parents. All right, the parents really love Dance of the Blue Dragon.

Dance of the Blue Dragon. I'm going to look this up in my book of tablature. In Kids Bard. So yeah, Kids Bard, you can see from reading the lyrics, it was a song that was very clearly a metaphor for two dragons having very explicit penetrative sex. But the Kids Bard lyrics just change it so that they're hugging a lot and spending a lot of time together and sharing sodas and stuff. Puff the magic dragon. Yeah. Yeah.

It's something you could play on your guitar. Hey, Payton, it's called the Dance of the Blue Dragon. Yeah. Well, why is he so blue? It's a skin thing. There are different colors of dragons. They're metallic dragons. So he's not sad? I mean, no, because he's having sex in the story. Oh.

The pain just sees right through the kids' mom bullshit. I was with the real shit. I'm going to talk to the bartender. I'm like, hey, you mind if I liven the place up a bit? And I kind of gesture to my acoustic I had strapped on my back. You know what? And while you're doing that, I just feel like, you know, sometimes when I'm feeling down and in the dumps, I just need to clean up my room and spruce up the place a little bit. So I'm going to cast just a little puff of wind to get a little fresh air in here. It's been a little bit since anyone has, you know, maybe cracked open a window. A little dank and musty in here. All right. So...

I say, hey, everyone, turn those frowns upside down. And I don't have to roll anything. It's a cantrip. And I do a little puff of air, just like kind of sprucing the place up. So you see like three or four like old people with just dark circles under their eyes and their hair just blows back a little bit as they give you just the look of the dead. And then their hair stops blowing. And one of them's like...

Thanks. Hey, I couldn't help but notice. What was your name again, sir? Thank God. My least favorite part I don't have to do anymore because our lovely Patreon supporters have given us a bunch of cool names. I used to be the guy in charge of making children's clothes around here, but that was a long, long time ago. But you can call me Tim the Spool Man Taylor. Tim the Spool Man Taylor.

That was from Craig Elder. Thank you, Craig. Thank you, Craig. Pleasure to meet you, Tim. Gotta say that name reminds me of my favorite show. So bring a smile to my face. I think there's maybe a few homes around here that could use some improvement. When you say that, he goes...

I couldn't help but notice that your brew could need a little work, and I'm actually a brewmaster myself. Maybe if you show me how you're making the beer there, I could spruce it up a bit. I love... This is like an episode of Queer Eye, except we're just rolling in as dads to fix this bar. It's people need cheering up. It's dad eye. We're playing dad eye right now. The fucking theme song plays as we bust into the front door. I don't know.

I'm going to be the Karamo of this group and try to get at everyone's emotional problems. I've decided that's what Henry's doing. So, Frey, you're playing music, right? Correct. I'm going to start laying down the Dance of the Blue Dragons. Are you doing like a charm spell or what's the... This is just straight performance. We're trying to cheer people up. You're trying to just cheer them up. Yeah. Okay, cool. Lips are looser when there's a smile on them. That's good. Did you just make that up? Yeah. That's good. That's good.

Hey folks, more of Henry's homespun wisdom can be yours at WillBeCampos on Twitter. So he just shows you a really embarrassingly unkempt still?

Is that what you make beer out of? It would be like a big, they probably have a big, I don't know what you call it. Like a mash pot? Yeah, a pot where it's fermenting. Yeah, so he shows you the fermenting pot and it just looks like everything about the stuff, the actual machinery is fine, but it's just got the shitty like twisted roots that you saw on the way and the blackened roots. That's what's fermenting in there. It's gross.

beer all right payton go ahead and give me some cheesecloth look your problem here is that you got this vat is just open to the sky you got a bunch of stuff going on so i'm daryl wilson is cleaning out the beer and putting a cheesecloth over it and just doing work while these guys roll something is there like yeah i got brew supplies right i believe with my brewer supplies i can just make good beer okay

I don't think there's any sort of rolling unless there's like no raw crafting materials available, but since they're literally brewing beer, Daryl, you know what might spruce up that beer a little bit is a couple of good berries, my friend. And then I clap my hands and cast good berry.

And a bunch of berries appear in my hands. That's a thing? That's a spell. It's called Goodberry. Oh. I love the idea also that it's like, this can be explained two ways, right? This could be druid powers or it could just be we've spent enough time outside and Henry's the kind of guy who would just pick berries. Low key be picking berries. Yeah, low key just be like taking some good berries. I should have known Henry was a Framboise boy. I don't know what that is. What is that? Sorry, Framboise raspberries. A lambic boy. Lambic is a fruit beer, Beth. Lambic. Oh. Okay. We're going to say these are big berries. Up to 10 berries appear in my hands.

Oh my gosh. And are infused with magic for the duration. A creature can use its action, eat one berry, and it restores one hit point. But we're just going to say these berries taste really good too. I make a good lamb bake. A little water deep lamb bake is what we call it. Fantastic. You make a great lamb bake then. Hey, Tim, give this a little sip. How fast did this beer get made?

Hey, Tim. Hey, Tim. This is going to taste real good in about a week. All right. I guess I'll take your word for it. Guys, I was going to say brewing is one of the few things that makes me feel good. And after that whole CERN incident, I really just need a little bit of time to myself. He can smell it, though. And he's like, let's smell it. Yeah, thanks, Tim. So I appreciate you all letting me go ahead and brew some beer. I'm going to go ahead and start. I'm going to perform. They've been waiting a long time. It's going to be the dance of the blue ball dragon. So this is going to be... I'm going to tune up the old acoustic guitar and do a performance.

of the song and that's going to be that was a 15. 15.

Okay, it's good. Some toes would be tapping. And I'm singing the Kidz Bop version. Whoa, shit. If you're singing the Kidz Bop version, they kind of look up and right when it's about to get to the part where the dragon enters his loving partner... Consensually. Consensually. Yeah. But the Kidz Bop version just mentions he throws an arm around him. You can see all the older people in the bar get excited for it and then kind of get disappointed because they realize, oh my god, this is the Kidz Bop version. I noticed the shift in room climate and very quickly with my feet...

flip back to the adult version and then go back to singing the NC-17 parental advisor suggested lyrics. Almost as if their bodies don't want them to do it, they're swaying a little bit to the music. Like, it's a good jam. Maybe a little another puff of air there, Henry. Hey, yeah, you know.

I use my cantrip to give a little blast of air to freshen up the room a little bit. I love that this is like the most lame pyrotechnics show. It's just like, what can they do? It's like, is it a light show? Oh, you know what? No, no, no. Just occasionally air blows. I can do an odor. So I'm going to do a little, just a little smell of roses. What odor? Some roses. Okay. Just the raw stench of dragon sex. Just a refreshing...

Just that must. It's like your hair. It actually smells like roses. Welcome to a 4G performance of the Blue Dragons dance. I get a bunch of water on my fingers and I start just like flicking it at them. It's like Honey, I Shrunk the Audience. Oh no, there are rats in the audience. Look out, you're in the splash zone. Okay, so yeah, they raise their heads a little bit and start sniffing the air. And I'm like, okay, but I mean, they're still... Smells like two dragons fucking. Yeah.

But yeah, I feel like it's time for you to bring it home, Ron. Damn. I want to use Ron's actor power to either do an impression of whoever they're most afraid of, but I worry that it might turn into intimidation. Well, and you also don't know who they're most afraid of. So you're sort of operating off of you could you can guess and describe to me what you think. Ron, Ron, Henry has an idea. Henry says that in the third person for some reason.

Ron is willing to listen. Ron, you're such a funny guy and you're such a good performer as we saw. Maybe you could do like a little stand-up set making fun of the man in the tower. A tight five. A tight five. A tight five. Because they all hate this guy in the tower, right? I immediately switched to playing a walking bass line. Mel Brooks said the best way to diminish Hitler's power

was to make fun of him. That's why, I mean, I love Mel Brooks' movies. Maybe make fun of that guy in the tower. Maybe they'll be less scared to talk to us about him if you do some observational humor about the man in the tower. Okay, let's see. So, Tool Man, the man in the tower, what's up with that? Daryl laughs like... Why don't you go ahead and roll persuasion? Okay. Okay.

15 plus... Oh, shit. This is fucking... Zero. He's killing. So Tim, the tool man, Taylor is like, what is the deal with him? And he's almost shocked that he laughed. Everybody in the bar looks at him and he's like, I'm sorry. It was funny. It was just... It was really good observational comedy. I'm sorry. Keep it going. Keep it going. They're loving it, Ron. They're loving it. Do another bit. Oh, yes. What if the tower is so tall because his dick is not tall at all? It is... It's... Roll with advantage. Ha ha ha ha ha!

12 and... Oh, my God. 16. So now even a couple of the other patrons start laughing. It's funny because it's true. His dick might not be tall. I bet it's all old like a tower, too. All WALL-E and...

And, uh... Peyton's like, he's dying. He's dying. Somebody say something. His dick, that is, I offer from on the stage. Uh, yeah, it's all Wally. His dick, that is. All right, I guess that counts. Sure, go for it. His dick, that is.

Maybe, like, compare, like, his pubes to, like, the vines and stuff that's around here. Oh, there you go. His pubic hair is like the gorgeous vines that once grew but are now just less nice. And they can really use some sprucing up. Go ahead and roll. Just roll now. You can stop talking. Just roll.

There's definitely some looks of confusion. There's looks of confusion. And they kind of like stop laughing and they're like, ah. And one of them's like, it's a little hackneyed. Kind of heard that before. Yeah, like his dick.

Oh, that roll of advantage again. Seven. Seven plus anything? No. Well, what's her actor ability, though? She can just do impersonations. Oh, that doesn't give you a blessing? You want to see an impersonation of this tower? Of the tower? Yeah. He just stands on the stool. So the audience goes like, oh! Oh!

They're like slapping the bar and stuff like that. And they're kind of like laughing, but their faces are in this like rictus mask of terror and sadness. But they're like, it sounds like sobbing as well. If only we could survive going up to that tower. And that's how sex feels sometimes. Like you're climbing a tall, dangerous, perilous thing. But then you succeed and find your son. My son was not born out of sex with a tower.

What's up with that? Jesus Christ. Daryl goes to pick up Ron and just kind of like, leave him wanting more, leave him wanting more. But like sex, going up the tower might also bring me a son.

All right, so... What's up with that? Tim the Toolman Taylor just puts his hands on his shoulders like, I see what you're trying to do, okay? I get it. Appreciate it. It was a great tight fight. It wasn't the tightest, but it was like 75% pretty tight. Like his dick. I would drop the... What's up with that? You're going very heavy on the dick thing, and it's just a little bit more like... It needs more texture to it. Like his dick. Ha ha. No, I get it. Don't do... Okay.

So here's what it is. This guy, he came to Rookapur when it was a relatively thriving little farming village. Back when it was called Rockport. Back when it was called Rockport. He demanded we add all those accents on it. It's a pain every time I say it. And he built his tower. And he started having the children of the town come over to work for him to help him build it. He said he'd pay him really well. And they just stopped coming back for a while. And we didn't see them. And then eventually...

They started coming back, but not like they were. And as he says this, the door to the bar opens and you see a small child walk in with ash white skin and like hair is like patchy in places. It looks like it's been falling out. And she points a finger that sort of scans the room and she goes, who has been making fun of the master with incredibly insightful comedy. Yeah.

All the people in the bar run and Tim, the two-man tailor's like, why did I let her into the bar when she was alive? I should have never invited her in. Fuck, I'm an idiot. Hi, little girl. You got the wrong bar. There's no one in here who's been doing that. Roll deception. Oh, not great. I got a six. She points at you and then starts walking towards you.

It was you? You have spoken ill of the master? No, no. We were, you know, we were laughing with the master, not at the master. We were all making fun of your master. Hi, I'm Daryl Wilson. We're pretty upset here. It sounds like your master's been taking their kids. I also put my hand in front of Peyton like, don't fight this one yet.

So, uh... Be ready. Payton's, like, punching his fucking fist into his other open hand. Payton very slowly, like, unfurls the metal file. The file. And I'm like, no, no, no, the other one. He's like, the wine opener? He opens the wine opener. I'm gonna open this motherfucker like a bottle. No, no, Payton, there's a knife attachment. I don't need no knife. Ha ha ha!

So the little girl, she gets all up on Daryl, like right in your grill, and she like climbs up you because she's like small, but she climbs up to like look you straight in the eye. Roll perception, Daryl. 17. Okay, so you notice two holes on her neck. Two holes, like where on her neck? Like at the base of her neck. Like in the sort of vampire spot. Like in the vampire spot, you buffoon. Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's literally all I was checking. I was wondering if it's vampire spot or matrix spot or ender's game spot. What matrix? In the back of the neck. Oh, in the base of her neck. That's like the back of the skull. But it's only one. Yeah, Matt, I hate to break it to you. A 17 roll doesn't let you see behind someone's head.

Just checking where it was. No, man. She's like Tank and Dozer. Born pure free 100% in the last human city, Zion. All right. So she climbs up on me. I kind of just pick her up and put her back down. And I go... And I look around. I was like, hey, guys, this is going to sound weird, but she's got...

There's no other way to say she got vampire bite. Did you turn away from her to tell the guys that? I like look, I mean, to the right. Okay, so she is just going to leap at you. Is this like initiative attack time? Yeah, like everybody should run. It's initiative time. Oh my God. She got a fucking 20 on her initiative roll. Oh, jump scare. I got a three. I got a five.

I got a five. I got a five. What you're saying is I was like, hey guys, it's kind of weird, but on her neck she's got, and then she just like jumped at me. Yeah. Because all of you got less than her, you can decide what order. I don't care. We'll decide on the first round. Yeah. It's also like, it is a thing if you're a DM and you're like, initiative is a big problem. Just do it like before the monsters and then after the monsters. It makes it a lot simpler for you. So we can kind of like game plan. Yeah, exactly. So she is going to leap at you and try to grab you by the shoulders. Okay. Okay.

Oh, yikes. Make a saving throw with your dexterity. Okay.

Natural one. God. Natural one. My God. Okay, so that's so bad that she's going to actually get an additional action. You are now grappled. And grappled means a grappled creature's speed becomes zero. It ends if you're incapacitated. It just means you can't move. How hard did this six-year-old girl pin this dude? That's great. That's vampire strength, baby. Freaking Hannah over here. So she tries to bite you. I got my chucks. Okay, so her first bite fails. And her second bite...

Oh, no. Is Daryl going to become a fucking vampire? I'm so excited. I have to die to become a vampire. Okay, so she's going to do...

This is like a straight up horror movie right now. Okay. She hits you for 19 damage. Whoa! I have 45 hit points. That's a chunk. It's a chunk. No, it's a big hit. Oh, shit. No, she hits you for 23 damage. Okay. I mean, that's a bigger chunk for sure. I think I'm so shocked. I kind of just stare and I don't finish the sentence and I kind of just point at her to like finish it for me. I was like, she has...

So also, her bite, she did nine necrotic damage to you, which reduces your maximum hit points by nine points. Ooh. So even if you get healed, you will only go up to your maximum minus nine. So you only go up to 32 until you take a long rest. Okay, so now it is up to y'all to go. In a flash, the nunchucks...

Maybe maybe the third time will be the charm the first flourish is a natural 20 flourish. Oh that counts is Let's say three flourishes. All right When then I'm gonna go for driving directly into the attacks. I'm gonna plus three the plus your attack. Okay, so that's gonna be 13. Oh, I'm sorry a 13 does not hit plus three doesn't hit a 16 definitely hits So go ahead and roll damage. So that's gonna be one d6 one plus two three damage. Oh

These nunchucks need to be customized later. Yeah, we'll upgrade them. I make a note to be like, gotta upgrade these chucks. So what does grapple do, by the way? Grapple means you cannot move. Okay. Ain't that a pain in the neck? Ooh, very good. All right, so you get inspiration. Everybody else try to build on it. Not a really good way to fang someone. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That bites.

That's good. So everybody is fine. Except for me. Yeah, you're just going to take a D4 damage. You're going to take more damage, Matt? You can't come up with a vampire pun? Or a tooth pun? A vampire pun I was doing from a tooth. Well, yeah, ain't that the tooth? All right.

All right, that's great. All right, so you're going to, I assume, redirect all that damage onto the kid? Yes. All right, so that'll be seven damage to this vampire. So I can't move. What I want to do is she bites my neck. I want to grab her feet. Okay. I'm going to swing her by the feet as quickly as I can head to table. Okay. Like a little rag doll. I am raging. We're going to do a strength check to see if you can overwhelm her grabbing your shoulders. Okay. I gain advantage on strength check. Great.

So that's a 19. Okay, so you do it. So you wrench her away and her claws kind of dig into your polo shirt a little bit, ripping it on the shoulders. So now it looks like... Yeah, your polo shirt is now ripped. And then, yeah, I put her over my head and I slam her down onto the table. Oh my God.

You're having kids fight adults, man. What do you expect? No, this is great. I mean, she's just bit my neck. I'm like, this is just instinct. Okay, so roll a, I guess a melee attack. Yeah, and I have tavern brawler. And we're in a tavern. We're in a tavern, baby.

That's gonna be a 19 plus five. That's gonna be a 24 hit. And then it's for sure. And then the damage will be three plus three. So six damage. Okay. If it's just an unarmed punch, I don't know what you're going to do for like me throwing her head into a table. I mean, her throwing her head to the table is like at least plus two more. So let's say it's the table modifier, the table modifier.

is what I say when I throw her head against the table. Does the table break? There's just like a big, her head shaped hole in the table. It's just straight through it and wood splinters go everywhere. Wood splinters go everywhere? Wood splinters? Okay. Oh. Tavern brawler lets me do an action to attempt to grapple the target. Okay, go for it. So I'm going to try to hold her down. Strength check.

So I get advantage on strength checks. That's a natural 20. Wow. Whoa. All right. So you just pin her to the fucking ground and she's struggling under you and blood is just streaming from her, what you now see are fangs. And like, she's like,

I'm tagging you in buddy. Get in here. Hey, then I'm going to yell to pay them. I'm going to give paid in bardic inspiration. I'm like, you're wasting it on paid. I got multiples. I cannot, I'll leave the worst fighter in the entire forgotten realm. No, pay them. I saw that. And I said, pay them. I believe in you. Hayden comes in and he is going to attempt to attack with the knife.

He gets a 19. Holy shit, yes. And he has bardic inspiration, don't forget. So what does bardic inspiration do? For 10 minutes, a creature can add it to an ability check, attack roll, or saving throw. All right, well, definitely add it to the attack roll. He gets to add a 1d6 to his attack roll. Jesus Christ. Question. Yeah. Daryl didn't know he had a knife. Like, what I would want to do is, like, I would see him raising a knife, and I would think, where did this came from? I would try to stop him from stabbing her. All right, you can do a dexterity check with disadvantage. Okay. If he succeeds, you'll lose the grapple.

It's a four. Okay, so you didn't succeed. So you kind of like wave at him as he goes by, but Peyton's like, no time for this. I was straight into fucking pits. I know what I'm doing. And he leaps into the air and holds the knife up.

And just fucking brings it down fucking like anime style, just right into her goddamn eye. Oh my God. Oh no. And he just sort of like, I smile and nod knowing that my assessment of Peyton's fighting skill is correct. Yeah. He goes, I have the fucking eye of a tiger and you got the eye of Peyton's knife. Um, and the, the vampire is just like, just fucking pissed off. How much damage does he do? He did. He did six damage. Peyton, where'd he get that knife? Children fighting children. What's up with that?

Thank you. I'll be here for as long as we're here. He says what we're all thinking.

I pick up one of the wood shards and I say, make no mistake. Oh, very good. Very good. We just did one. So don't worry about it. But that one was just for show. That one was just for the ladies. Okay. So you can, um, that was very well done. Ooh, wow. Double level, Matt. Wow. Well done. Well done. It was a dad joke on the dad joke. We've reached second level dad joke. It happened. Don't have a cow, man.

I hate this podcast. Don't worry, so does everybody else. I lean in with my steak and I say, try anything, I'll tell you to bite me. Wait, wait. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Wait, if you try anything, you're going to bite it. Not me. It's still with disadvantage because she's under the thrall of somebody. Fucking vampire rules. It's a two. She says, your puns are bullshit. You fucking suck at them.

Those are fair assessments, and I'm working on them. Henry is going to cast Entangle on the little girl to try to just cool this situation down for a second.

She fails her strength saving throw because she has already been pinned by our boy. Nice. And she's entangled for like a minute. So I say, cool it. No more stabbing the little girl. I give a light thumbs up to Peyton and a nod. And he goes, pulls up a knife and walks back a little bit. And the vampire girl looks at you all struggling against her vines. And she...

Takes a deep inhale and the fucking bruise on her head from you throwing her into the table and the wound in her eye just begin to seal up and go away. And she regains 10 hit points. Whoa. Whoa. She's like the Terminator. And Tim, the two man Taylor, as he's running out the door, goes like, you don't want to do this. Like they're way, way, way stronger than any of us. You guys should just run. I'm out. And he bolts.

And so to give you some insight into the meta aspect of this. So usually the way that D&D works is there is a challenge rating and you match a challenge rating to the average level of everybody in a party. Like typically you would want a challenge rating of four for a group of four level four people. This vampire spawn is level five. So she's one level higher than you. It'll be really hard to kill her.

So if you want to run, I just want to remind you that's a viable thing you can do in D&D. If you want to try and kill her, you can. It'll just be really fucking tough. So she's healed up, but she's still entangled. She's still entangled. And she's just sitting there screaming at us. Yes. The master will tell you limb from limb. The master will floss with your gizzard. The master will shit down your throat and then eat your ass. Can you? What? He's going to eat our butts? Yeah. That's his thing. You know what you sound like? This is my impression of you. Eh.

That's what you sound like. That's pretty good, Ron. That's pretty good. Hey, Ron, maybe... Did you take acting lessons? Hey, yeah, yeah, I did. I'm Ron Stampler. Ron F.

She takes a D6 of damage from how good your... Oh, wow. She takes six damage from how good your impression was. Is this anybody's child in here? There's no one in the room. Oh, did everybody leave? They all left. They all left, Daryl. Oh, sorry. To an empty room. I think try... If she's a vampire, go ahead and try to stab her in the heart there, Ron. We're not killing anybody.

buddy. I don't care if she's a vampire. She's a little girl. No, she's a vampire. I don't give a shit. I'm not letting anyone kill a little girl in front of me. Guys, we've taken a lot of L's recently. I'm not going to watch a little girl turn into dust or whatever in front of us. Maybe there's a way to cure her. We don't know. Usually vampire rules are like if you kill the head vampire, the thrall is broken. Do you want to be responsible? We've already

killed so many freaking children in this world. How many more kids do you want to kill? Henry, I'm hearing you. I'm taking a breath. I'm calming down. Okay, my vines I don't think are going to last that much longer. Yeah, so it seems like the options are either kill her or get out of here. Real quick, and we know that she's super powerful, right? Yes. You can feel from the way that she bit you that she's more powerful than she should be. Also, 40 seconds remaining. Are you timing like for real? Yes. Hey guys, everyone skedaddled here. I say we win and run. We get the fuck out of here. Okay, let's run.

East. And I give everyone a wink like, shh, because we're not going to go east. And little girl, you're not invited into our minivan. I mean, into our house. Wherever we are, you're not invited. You're not invited and you need to... We run. Okay, cool. So in 11 seconds, she will be free. I think we got both towards the minivan, right? Uh,

Yeah, where do you guys... Do you head to the van? Yeah, we should probably head to the van. Everyone into the minivan! Yeah, we don't know what other houses she could have been in. I say we run to the minivan. We can drive the minivan up close to houses. It's true. So, yeah, you jump into the minivan, and then exactly 11 seconds later, she runs out of the tavern just ripping branches off of her. And as you're all inside, she, like, slams on the door of the minivan, and she's like...

Could I come in, though? No. How? No. Could I come in, though? No. No. No. No. I'm very different now. No. No. Very no. It'll be way... Super no. I'll be... You guys are dicks. And we flip her off. Yeah. I'm going to tell Master about you. You guys fucking suck. And she starts just depressed, just starts walking back to the tower. She's like, stupid fucking ass vampire rules. I roll down the window. Hey, hey, just kidding. Come over here. Yeah. Yeah. You can't come in. I'll fuck you.

That's what you sound like right now. Hey, hey, hey, little girl. What? We'll let you in if you tell us where Terry Jr. is. Roll deception. I got an eight on my deception. Okay, she goes, I'm not fucking, I'm not that stupid, dick. You know what? I can't get in, but I can do this. And she sits on the hood of the car and just crosses her arms. I could be here all night. Hey, check this out. Alina and I blare the horn. She's like, fuck, what the fuck?

I keep hitting the horn. Get off! No, I don't... Hey, Daryl, don't you have like a windshield wiper? Yeah, I do the little water windshield wiper thing. Sorry.

So I'm assuming that the spritzer isn't quite right. So like a little bit goes forward away from the fucking the windshield and it hits her and she's like, Oh shit. Oh God. Like she clearly doesn't like being wet. It doesn't seem to be hurting her, but she's like, she tries to scoot a little bit to the side to avoid the jet of water. Guys, I have an idea. I was ordained as a priest in the universal life church. When I married my friends, that Catholic church, it's a church.

That celebrates all religions and all peoples. That allows you to get married in certain states. So I married my two friends, Sandy and Cynthia. You married two people? That's fucking tight. I married them to each other, Peyton, but I like where your head's at. But I think maybe that could give me the ability to maybe consecrate this water, you know, to be like holy water. Oh, like the washer fluid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the washer fluid. You were the holy squirter.

Daryl, it looks like you might have a problem with this course of action. You can do... I just don't think it's going to work, and I don't think you can consecrate the water. Why not? I think you're being a little flippant about my religion there, Henry. It doesn't feel like you're just... So you think you can just consecrate some holy water? Is that how it works over there? No, you know what? You're right. You're right. It would be culturally appropriative of me to take this ritual...

And bless this water. And it would be offensive to someone in the car, so I'm not going to do it. I appreciate that. Daryl, next time we're having a conversation about cultural appropriation, maybe then now that you've seen how it feels on the other shoe, maybe you could be a little bit more empathetic about the idea, you know? Yeah, yeah, that's true. I appreciate you not, yeah, thank you. I will do an impression of a Catholic priest and bless the water. You know what? I like good humor. Go ahead, Ron. What's your Catholic priest impression? Yeah, let's do a tight five about Catholicism, guys.

I'm just going to go the safe route here and say, it's me. I'm a Catholic priest. Feel very, very guilty. I love God. Priest, priest, priest. God, God, God. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Daryl finds this fucking hysterical. Oh, so he can joke about it. That's pretty good. No, it's true. But I can't bless water. Guilty. No, it's, oh, man. Ron, what's your impression of a priest blessing holy water in a Salem minivan? Um, I...

Bless this water as long as we get out of mass before 2 p.m. All right, so you bless the water and it hits her and she's like, you're not a real priest. All right, little lady, I'm giving you 10 seconds to get off this vehicle. I'm giving you 10 seconds to invite me in. I start the engine. You're invited in to the heart of Christ. You just said the words you're invited in.

To the heart of Christ. You said- FLORE IT! DARREL, FLORE IT! I floor it, I floor it. Okay, so you floor it, and as her eyes get wide with realization that you invited her in, she begins to claw towards you, and you just- and she goes- She didn't realize this thing could fucking move, and she's- and like, rolls over the top of the car, and then hits the ground. What the hell, Ron?!

Thank God. This is like running into Mr. X in Resident Evil. It's like we have a super powerful scary thing after us now. It's so stressful, Anthony. It's great. That's what I was hoping for. And now she can get into our safe part. It's like the second half of Resident Evil. I know. We're going to have to do this.

We gotta get into another house or something. So where are you driving to? I'm just driving, well, since we're pointed, I'm just driving back into town, essentially. Okay, so you're driving back into town. To the left is a road that leads to the tower. And to the right, you see a couple of homes. And you also see, the one that catches your eye the most, is a home with a bunch of ravens on the roof of it. Almost like a fucking Lawrence Fishburne from John Wick or like any of those fucking characters that are like, oh, they keep a bunch of doves in cages on the top of my house.

house yeah the rich western history of characters who keep doves a little movie called on the waterfront okay all right ghost dog wave the samurai my mom

Just kidding. Donna, you don't like birds. So, yeah. What do you do? Just blow through someone's house, man. We got to get inside someone's house so the vampire can't follow us in. I don't know how it works if you blow through a house. Maybe the vampires can go through non-door openings. I drive not towards the tower. I start driving towards the town. I'm probably driving to the first place that I notice. So what's the most obvious? The one with the birds on top would probably be that. Everybody get ready to hop out and get in. Peyton, you there, buddy? Make sure you're following us. Don't stay in the car.

Oh, sorry. I'm Peyton. Peyton, are you okay? Peyton! No, I'm just fucking... Are you sleeping? Yeah, I was tired. All right, little buddy. I get it. But you got to get ready to hop out of the car here. Sure. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm on top of it. I power slide. I don't know why we ran, personally. I feel like we could have taken it. I slam on the emergency brakes. And because it's probably a dirt road, I do a sick power slide with my vehicle handling. Very sick. It says 17 plus 3. It says a 20.

Deja vu. I've just been displaced. Deja vu. And literally, as I'm sliding, I press the automatic side door so the door starts opening for you guys on the right side. And I get this thing, like, side door of the van right to the door of the house. So they're, like, flush with one another. Yeah, they're, like, flush. That's some dad parking skill right there. All those fucking Sundays at Costco, baby, paying off. That's really good. Right from Mass to Costco. Yep, that's Daryl's life.

This is a maneuver he's practiced many times. The doors open, but flush against a closed front door to this house. Get in, get in, open the door, guys. I try to open the door. It's locked. Knock, knock, hello? So the, uh, slat opens, uh, and it goes, who is it? We're not vampires, let us in. I'm gonna need a little more proof than that. Uh,

We all show the necks. Show your necks. Your necks are fine. Look, all the necks. Totally clear. All the necks are fine. Open the door. All right. Wait, did you let the girl vampire in? There's a little girl vampire out there. No, I don't let a vampire. I'm still here. She's chasing us. Just make sure you don't let her in. We gotta get in. She's chasing you. So as he says that, you can see she's fucking T-1000 walking towards you. She's fucking running straight towards you. He's like, I don't know who you are. I have no reason to let you in. I don't fucking like... We got food. We got supplies. We're gonna help. We got great necks.

Show me the food. Show me the food. I hold up all the power bars. All right. So she opens the door. I'm still showing him my neck. I don't care about your neck. I know you're not a vampire. So she lets you in. I don't know how far away she is, but I'm throwing as many of our supplies as we can through the airlock. Ooh, okay. So you can ensure that all the supplies get in, but you will give the vampire girl three rolls to try to get into the van. Okay. Or you can do it half-assedly and only get one third of your supplies. I'm going to try to get all the supplies in. Okay. I catch what Daryl's doing.

And also because, again, from the previous adventure, I feel like I owe him something and he's mad at me. I'm going to help him out in this. Okay, good. So she only gets two rolls then. So she claws at the door but doesn't realize how it opens, like how a handle actually opens the door. So by the time you guys successfully throw all of your supplies into this house, just as the owner of the house is about to slam the door, you see her finally figure it out and wrench open the door of the van. It's like an alien move where she's like coming at you and then, bam, the door slams right in her face. And she's like, nah.

Can I come in, though? No. No. Don't say anything. The woman who just let you in, her name is Erin O'Neill. That's the name of the person who submitted it and just wanted her name to be in the thing. So congratulations, Erin O'Neill. Inside this room, you were really surprised to find that despite the shitty situation that every other place in this town has been in, this is a really nicely decorated room.

Above the fire is a stew that's bubbling that actually smells pretty good, and Erin brushes her red hair out of her eyes and sort of stirs a little bit, and then turns to you. She goes, Hi, Erin, O'Neal, what are you idiots doing here? We came to this town in search of our friend Ron's son, and- This is Ron, by the way. This is Ron. Hi, I'm Ron. He's our friend. No, he looks like a Ron, I kind of figured that out.

And then we came to town. What does that mean? I mean, you just look like a Ron. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. This is my guest. It was a compliment. I haven't been bitten by a vampire. Perfect. It was a compliment. Thank you. Ron here lost his kid. And hi, as he said, that's Henry. That's Ron. This is Glenn. I'm Darrell Wilson. Your name's Aaron? My name is Aaron. Thank you so much for opening that door. We're here. Thank you so much, Aaron, for supporting us. Yeah.

And yeah, we're here to fuck up the guy in the tower. Are you? Wow. That's a tall order. A lot of people have tried and they were more armored and less Ron looking than all of you.

Are you sure? Whatever it takes to save Terry Jr., Ron's son. That's what we're here to do. Terry Jr.? Your son's Terry Jr.? You know Terry Jr.? You know him? Yeah, unfortunately I do. I can hear him come upstairs to me. It's fine. She can't... This still counts as my house, even though it's a little bit open air. So she can't come up and find us.

Good airflow. Good feng shui in here. Yeah, no, I thought so. She's like, I'm a garden witch, and most of my skills are about aesthetics. A garden witch. Wow. I used to be able to make things grow really well, and then this shit heel came to town. Sounds like this place could use some better homes and gardens. Ha ha ha ha!

She doesn't even take that as much. She's like, I agree. That would be great if we had better homes and gardens. That would be great to me. So she takes you up to the roof and she says, so here's a, yeah, these are my ravens. I use them to communicate with people outside of the town if you want to talk to anybody or whatever. So Terry Jr. is your kid? Well,

He's my stepson. There's probably something you should see then. She brings you over to a telescope that she got pointed up at that balcony you saw earlier. Okay, I'm going to look through the telescope. Okay, as you look through it. I'm going to check to see if it's a prank, like one of them prank telescopes where you put a little ring on your eye. This is the ring of Shoe Paws. She's like, got you. Got you.

Darn it again. So that does actually happen. She's like, haha, my kids are gone. Pleasure is very few and far between. Sorry. So you look through it and you see first there's just a cloud of dark fog when it sort of blows away. And she goes, this is usually when they come out. And you see a figure come out that you recognize as Terry Jr. And he's wearing the cloak of a vampire. But you can see that he still looks like he has all the color in his skin.

but he looks a little tired. And then behind him, a man in a vampire cloak with the hood up comes out and he puts a loving hand on his shoulder. And then he pulls back the hood and you see the face of Terry Sr. Oh my God! What's up with that? Yeah, it's gonna be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. And if you die, it'll be alright.

It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, cause that's just life, all you do is try and it'll be alright. It's gonna be alright.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch as our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Thank you this week to Patreon supporters Craig Elder and Aaron O'Neill who submitted character names that we used in this episode. You can become a Patreon supporter yourself at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads where fine folks like Leah Parker,

Trey Lay the Cray, Doug Melton, Oakley Cannon, and Lara Morris helped make the show possible. EXL model supporters get access to a monthly bonus of indeterminate content. This month's bonus was a video detailing the music recording process for all the music in episode nine, Punk is Dad.

All of our tiers are named after the various model designations of Honda Odyssey. So at the very least, you'll know your way around the Honda dealership if you visit patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads, where you can browse our fine selection of minivans and the myriad of ways you can help make this podcast possible. We tweet at Dungeons and Dads. We book faces at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads.

Our subreddit is r slash dungeons and daddies. If you like this show, please tell a friend or leave us a review on iTunes or tweet at us or put a message of adoration in a bottle and set it afloat. No, don't do that. There's too much trash in the oceans already. But we do love hearing from you all. Next episode coming at you June 25th. Wait, hold on. June 25th. That can't be right. That's next week. I thought this was a once every two weeks podcast. I wonder what that's all about.

You can find the answer over on our Patreon. Patreon.com. Learn more. Until next week, don't take any wooden nickels and don't touch the thermostat. We'll see you later. There was a time in between to know they never brought you down. Never brought you

Guys, I have an idea. What if we just spend the entire episode making perception checks and just make Anthony go into more and more minute detail about what this village is like? How many perception checks about how many different items do you think we could do? This is exactly 72 degrees. Windchill factor of four. I don't know how you measure windchill factor. And that man is a Taurus.

You could tell that his wife loved him once, but no longer does. It's just like a Russian novel. It's just like this portrait of a small town. We just take a break. One of those passages in like a Dickens novel where he's trying to pad it out. I'm getting paid by the word here.

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