Ep. 10 - Dads Don't Do Other Dads Dirty
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Silent Night on KD&D and that was Dadheim Steamroller off the record Christmas Bangers and Mash which is just a great live album one of my favorites really interesting story about the recording of that track which happened during a battle of the bands outside of Waterdeep supposedly the crowd loved that song so much that opposing guitarist Glenn Close stole Dadheim Steamroller drummer Daryl Wilson's minivan and just fled the scene with his son Nick Close which

Which means we'll never know what they were going to play. But in the end, we got an all-time classic and a very unique vocal performance from lead vocalist Ron Stampler. If you ask me, I'd say it was well worth it. KD&D, the weather coming at you at the top of the hour. But first, I have one more for you before I sign off. This is All Right by Maxson Waller. ♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. It's kind of a BDSM podcast.

About four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong and I play rock cover band dad and bard Glenn Close. And my dad fact this week is this. Because we were trying to figure out what the heck the Glenn Close trio plays. I finally figured it out. How is Glenn a touring musician all over the place, been around the world, and also not really that famous.

The Glenn Close Trio plays jazz fusion Christmas music. Oh, my gosh. Like a certain steamroller by the name of Mannheim. And they do weddings in the off season. And when I say they played Bonnaroo, no joke, this year at Bonnaroo, there's going to be a Christmas tent where they're going to play Christmas music. So that's like where they could have done it. That's so wholesome. I love it. And so then Ron singing Silent Night is such a betrayal. Ha ha.

Of Glenn's musical thing. Fit in the face of Christmas cheer. He had one thing and you took it from him. Exactly. So that's my dad fact this week. Does that mean that Glenn was never home for Christmas for Nick? Oh, shit. Yeah, it was always presents in absentia. That's brutal. That's brutal. That's heavy duty. I just always gave your son a Christmas album. With a joint in it. It was like album and then it was just like, here's the new drugs. Yeah.

Man, that's a stocking stuffer for you. That's a new drug.

What?

Is that a thing? It's a real thing. Oh my God, it's a thing. He was so excited he could not stop bragging about it. But as I said, it was 15 minutes of fame because then he found out that he was just in the background while on the photo. And they were all laughing at him because they were saying that dad is a little fat.

No, you'll always be a dilf to me. This story took so many turns. How long did it take you to come up with that? That was a three-act fucking story. It's a real thing. I was with my wife. She brought up dilfs of Disneyland. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. And I was like, oh, yeah, clearly Daryl's a dilf, but not really a dilf. And then I was like, oh, dilf, that is a little fat. I was like, yeah, that's probably what happened. Holy shit. Oh, it's an advert.

Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. All the women at the work racks are like, huh, your husband is a dad who's a little fat. He's just in the background with this photo. But here's the thing, like dad bods are dad bods. The fucking deep lore. So it's like if you're one dilf, aren't you inherently both? A dilf is a dilf, you might say. Yeah. That's what I thought because at first I was like, oh yeah, Daryl would belong there. But then I looked at that Instagram account. It's like everybody's a bodybuilder in that Instagram account. It's like if you ever want to

feel like really wholesome but really like thirsty as hell like yeah that's where you go wholesome pigs of buff dads with their kids yeah just i cannot believe that both of those acronyms mean the same thing that's the cruelest thing i've ever heard in my life uh what's up everyone i'm will campos i play henry oak uh granola munchin nature loving birkenstock rockin uh hippie druid dad

And that's my thing. That's my whole get up. This week's fun fact for Henry is, well, you know, I told you guys last week that his favorite drink is a cold glass of water. I'll never forget. Henry's second favorite drink. Oh, man. Room temperature glass of water. Oh, God. So, like, worst case scenario, the glass warms up. Hey, man. It's still pretty good. It's still pretty good.

Doing fine. I think Henry Oak is probably has, is living the best life out of all of us. I think it's very clear at home. You know, he really believes in hydration. I'll say that. Henry Oak is the most functional human being amongst you, I think. Oh, for sure. Absolutely.

Wait, never mind. Ron is... And now for the least functional human being. My name is Beth May. I'm not functional. I play Ron Stampler, emotionally stunted stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron, his middle name is F. It's the letter F. Just the letter F? Just Ron F. Stampler? Yeah, probably what happened was he saw, you know...

Ronald F. Stampler written somewhere like on a birth certificate or something or like, you know, some sort of document and then just never really concluded that it might stand for something. And it probably doesn't. Does Ronald know his parents? Did he never ask his parents what F means? He definitely knows his parents and I think that's why he didn't ask.

Oh, fuck. That's dark. Whoa. That's really dark. Oh, that's some heavy duty stuff. All right. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master. Some people have talked about this podcast and been like, oh, cool. I'm not really into Dungeons and Dragons, but I like this podcast. If you like this podcast, you're not into Dungeons and Dragons. That's not what we do. We're posers.

This is just people just jerking off in a room and recording it. But if you want to get into role-playing stuff and D&D sounds a little bit intimidating, I would look up the one-page RPGs by Grant Howitt on Google. There are a bunch of free ones. The Witch's Dead is my favorite. That's what I would recommend if you want to play something quick and easy with your friends. But yeah, let's pretend to be wizards. All right. All right. Paint us a picture, Daddy Master.

Nick Close and his father Glenn are speeding along in the Honda Odyssey toward the big old city of Waterdeep. What are you feeling right now? What are you doing right now, Glenn? I think I'm trying to... I'm driving and I'm trying to keep the thing on the road because we are not in paved road territory. And I think I'm a little bit conflicted, honestly, because on one hand, I finally found my son. We're hanging out and we're just having a good time.

And on the other hand, I do feel a little bit guilty about leaving the rest of the dads behind. So I'm going to, I'm going to talk to him and be like, Hey Nick, um, rep brands are, well, I guess they won the battle of the bands, huh? I guess. Yeah. They're, they're okay. Right. The other guys, they're going to be fine. Right. Uh,

Your friends? Yeah. Well, I mean, they pretended to be Redbrand, so I think if anybody's going to be safe, it's going to be them. I think the water mice, like half of them might end up getting kind of a little slaughtered, but like your shitty friends should be fine. Dang, that's pretty...

That's pretty harsh, man. I mean, that's what they did by deciding to do the greatest rendition of Silent Night that any human being has ever listened to. That was on them. That's a good point, man. Yeah. Forget about them. Yeah. This is the Ron and Nick show now. Hey, so the Ron and Nick? Yeah. Oh, shit. I'm ready for the show. They want an encore, everybody. They want me back on stage. I take it back.

That fucking crazy-ass vocalist got in my head so hard. A good performance stays with you. It's just like echoing around. What is that? Sorry, this is the Glenn and Nick show. And I think your idea that you had of like flipping this shit, like I still have a bunch of those drugs in the backseat. I know this. When we were making those bundles, I noticed you were...

what's the sequestering a few away? What's the cool, well, what's the cool drug? What are you looking at me for? I'm just saying, well, the drug is drug doer of all of us. Was it chief in? What is it when you like hog a joint? I, you keistered it. I know. Well, it might not be the right word. That means something else. Don't tell him. I was trying to lead him down the primrose path. Birkenstock. Yeah.

Yeah, you Birkenstock it. I Birkenstocked up. I noticed you were Birkenstocking up on those joints. I may have had a feeling we were going to be able to get away in a sort of situation not entirely dissimilar from what we got going on right now. Uh...

But I think... Really, you foresaw this, huh? I mean, I figured at some point they were going to do something stupid. I would find a way for us to sort of get away. And, like, everything's working out great. So I feel like what we got to do is we can get to Waterdeep, find, like, the first empire-having drug lord, and then just offload this stuff. Because as far as I know, nobody in Waterdeep has ever gotten any of this particular strain of Kush.

Like, it's going to blow their gourds. So you're saying we got to find a guy and we can be a sort of supplier. We can be the Colombians in this sort of equation if we were to kind of match it up with the U.S. and South America drug trade. Is that what you're saying? Yes. We could be like those guys that kill Scarface at the end of Scarface. That's right.

Because if there's any moral I got from Scarface, it's that doing drugs is fine so long as you're the other guys and not Scarface. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Scarface. Don't be Scarface. The whole movie's a warning about how you shouldn't be Scarface because he dies. But you know who doesn't die? The guys that kill Scarface. The guys that kill Scarface. His little friend.

And then they found the city of like Miami. I'm a little hazy on the details of that movie. I mean, I definitely feel like I got the basic theme of it, but like, yeah. Do you like that plan? I dig it. Do you have any connections, any leads in terms of who we might go or do we just kind of start driving around and.

digging around some of the shady quarters. I feel like we drive around and use our natural criminal aptitude to sort of see what's what. Because I'm a kid. I don't know if they'll trust me. I feel like maybe you can get in there and just sort of start talking to people. Just using your natural band leader charisma kind of stuff. We can sort of suss it out. We can feel it out. Hey, you know the lay of this land a little bit better. How far away are we from Waterdeep right now? Oh, we're right here. It's right around this corner.

Anthony has no other content planned until we get to the thing. You guys got there real fast. We get there pretty much whenever. Wow, look at that. And there it is. Hey. The glittering lights of Waterdeep. Yeah. So Waterdeep is... I guess it'd be morning now, right? Wouldn't it? Yeah, it's morning. So the morning sun crests over the docks of Waterdeep, which is where the city gets its name from. This is mainly a port city, and you can see a lot of very haggard-looking people, a lot of smugglers, a lot of shipwreckers.

shippers, people that just work in shipping sailors. That's what you call them. And fan fiction. And fan fiction. Fan fiction trade in Waterdeep. Used to show up in Waterdeep. Meanwhile, back at the camp at the Battle of the Bands between the Red Brands and the Watermice, the entire crowd is embracing each other, crying. They're so happy. People are throwing flowers at Ron Stampler. Drug flowers? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I mean, if you want to use it as drugs, you can. But they're just so enamored with your performance. I feel like people would be like trying to chant his name but not know what it is. What's your name? That's what they think. What's your name? What's your name? What do you tell them? Wait. Hi. Hi.

They go, hi, hi, hi, hi. I'm Ron. Oh, Ron. Okay, so they start. Hi, I'm Ron. Hi, I'm Ron. Hi, I'm Ron. Hi, I'm Ron. The entire stadium starts chanting. Do you hear that, Henry? They're chanting my name. They sure are, buddy. You really, really hit it out of the park there. I'm so proud of you. Yeah, I got these pipes and now they all want them. Yeah, the whole world. They want these pipes. They want your pipes. It's ridiculous.

My cell phone is in the minivan. The books we need to return or we die are in the minivan. Her life is in the minivan.

library books. Who cares? That was a beautiful sound. I don't want to take anything away from you, Ron. It was a beautiful sound tonight, but one of our dads just took the minivan. Daryl, just real quick, I want to tell Daryl about some breathing exercises that I learned about on a nature wilderness retreat. When I'm feeling a little flustered, what I like to do is just a deep breath in and then you just go You're a bear, Daryl. You're a bear.

Stone's endurance. You can throw that in there too. Anyway. Let's do this. Henry, I can't believe you thought that we were supposed to lose. With pipes ordained by the heavens, these pipes, I could never lose. I wish you had told us that before we did this. Sampler pipes, full heart, can't.

lose it's not it's not ron's fault it's not ron's fault it's it's my fault i should have known there's literally no way not to do silent night perfectly it is just the most beautiful song in the world that's true i shouldn't have chosen it you know i think the man it's not the song it's the pipes mpaa sort of butts into your conversation it goes it's definitely the pipes that song it's fine but you you kid you've got a career in this he says pointing at ron what say you stick with me and

And we take the show on the road. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We've already had one dad abandon the party today. We're sort of already a unit. And I thought you were- You should all come. You guys seem great. My plan is we just kill half of these water mice and then you guys join me as my lieutenants. You can rule the red brands with me. I was just wondering if a lieutenant is a promotion. Oh, absolutely. As you see, I'm a businessman myself. And so I'm looking for some sort of business. Your business seems to be pleasure.

And that is something that we are in dire need of. You want my pleasure. Your voice gives pleasure to all these people. You've brought us all together. It's going to be really depressing when we kill about half of them. So I have a question about that. Yes, absolutely. Hello. Nice to meet you. So about the pleasure, it does feel like killing a lot of people is like, it's not like a very pleasurable thing to do. Oh, no. Yeah, it's just a necessity. We don't have enough food to house all the water mines. Oh, it's like using the fax machine. You just got to do it, but it's not pleasurable. Sure. That thing you said.

And in the back, you hear the other musicians that you tied up weeping to themselves. Because they've also lost their gigs. Because they lost their gigs. Because you were so good, they will never get their jobs back. And they're like, this works for us in a way that we never could have presumed. We are so utterly humiliated. That bass player is so into this. He's turgid. Sir, MPAA, what do you say on the road? Do you have some sort of vehicle? We got horses, yeah. Okay, but...

Dad huddle. Okay, dad huddle. Sorry, we're dads. We're just going to do a quick dad huddle. Is that the name of your band? Yeah, it's called Dads. We're dad huddle. We're dad huddle. Great. So good. Guys, we need to get that minivan ASAP. So, yeah, let's take a 10,000-foot view for a second here. I don't like heights. Okay, well, we'll take a ground-level view, and then we're looking down...

onto the thing, but it's below ground. Do you know what I mean? Yes. So we're at normal level and it's lower. Is that still a problem? It's like the Hollywood Bowl. Yes. I could be playing the Hollywood Bowl. Okay, focus though. Okay, I'm focused. So they left. We don't know where they went. They have our van. We're trying to get our kids. We definitely need to find that minivan. I feel like that's probably our best shot at still rounding everybody up. Yeah, and minivans are, it's gotta be a pretty easy...

Like, there's not a lot of tracks that look like a minivan. Well, what if I become world famous and you guys do your thing and then Terry Jr. is so impressed because I'm world famous that he finds himself? That's a good idea, Ron. Really quick. Can we have a real idea? Well, let's come up with a couple of ideas. Let's do a quick real dad huddle. Do you mind, Ron, just a quick real dad huddle? Okay. We'll do it. We'll do it. You see Lizzie Boy Scales McStuffins about to join your huddle and then you say that and he turns right back around. Lizzie Boy, get over here. Lizzie Boy.

The status of your children, they're still your real kids. They're always in your heart. Stepdads are real dads. It's just more of like a... Okay, then I'm back in the huddle. Thanks, guys.

Okay. Hi, Ron. Lizard Boy's just hugging everybody. He's like, I'm so glad we feel so much closer as a group now because of that song. Welcome to the real dad huddle, Ron. You are a real dad. I'm sorry. That's what I meant. I just meant, I just wanted to reconfirm that we're all real dads. I think it's a very good idea that Ron is going to become world famous as long as we should play where Glenn is playing. I think if you want to play and if you want to be world famous, we got to make sure we don't die first. So we should get the... That seems like a band problem and not a solo artist problem. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

But I gotta admit, you guys have helped me out of some sticky situations. And it's only fair that I use my new world fame to give you an autograph or two and send you on your way. And, I mean, we'll hang out. We'll do a meet and greet. That's a good idea. Ron, I will say that playing drums...

With your rendition of Silent Night was a high point of my life. I'm trying not to let it go to my head, but I feel like everybody has just witnessed something downright religious. Ron. Yes. And I put on my serious Henry voice, like when Lark and Sparrow are being even more horrible than usual. And like, it's time to turn it up to like four from a three. Ron, you let you into the real dad huddle.

Because we see you as a real dad. You asked me if my dad-dar went off when I saw you, and it goes off like crazy. But you know what being a dad is about? It's about putting your children first. And it's about responsibility.

And if you want to be a real dad to Terry, I'm sorry, mister, but you're going to have to put your rock and roll career on hold for just a second so that we can go find your son. Because if you really want to impress Terry Jr., you're going to show him that you love him by helping us find him. Ron turns back to the crowd who is screaming, hi, Ron, and starts shouting instead,

Terry, Terry, Terry. They start chanting along with you, not quite knowing why they're doing it. Ron, that's a great idea. Maybe you've inspired this crowd so much. They can go look for your son. They can cast a wide net. Well, what if they find, Oh no. Yeah. There's only one son to find. Oh,

Oh, I mean, I guess all our sons. I find all of our sons. Yeah, but... Well, Lizard Boy Scales Big Stuff says, well, you know, Terry Jr. was in Rockport, right? You guys told me that. You know where he is. That's true. We do know he's in Rockport. Mr. MPA, we are so excited for this chance to do a great band, right? We're going to have a great band. Here's a problem. You saw that minivan, that metal beast that drove away? Yeah, the behemoth thing? Yeah. We have like 40 songs that are even better than that song, but they're all inside that minivan.

So we got to go get it. One of that, that rogue guy's trying to start his own band with all that great music. We got to go get it. Our demo tapes, man. Yeah. Shit. Our master. So if you could help us, we could go get that, but we got to go now and you probably won't have time to kill everyone. Yeah. Really? But I really want to. Well, what do you want more, Mr. You know, this is just like with my boys. I give them a choice.

If you want to kill everybody, you can do that. But if you want to start a great rock and roll band that's going to change the world, then we don't have time to do both. All right. Either one of you roll persuasion with advantage. I got an 18. He says, you know what? For today, Art takes precedence over survival. You're right. We're going to we're going to we're going to he points to a lackey of his and he goes, fetch our fastest horses. We're going to Waterdeep. All right. Now we're going to cut back to Waterdeep.

All of Waterdeep is kind of a dockside district. It feels like everywhere you look, there is something a little bit shady, a little bit back alley. I'm going to look for a good dockside bar. A bar. Okay. Well, there is. Thanks to one of our Patreon subscribers. There is a sports pub chain named Bullywogs. Wait, what? A chain? A chain? I love that's a chain. Yeah, it's a chain. Oh, my gosh.

You can tell that because above the neon sign, it just says, like, Waterdeep's brand new Bullywogs. That was from Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thank you, Ben. What sports do they do at this sports bar?

Probably all the usuals, right? How do they watch them? Is there like a portal that they scry through or something? They play sports in there. Like, you know, they got like dog fighting. I know it was tough, but it's a forgotten realm. So it's like, you know, they got stuff. I have to assume that they, in addition to the usual sort of sports bar stuff, I eat, you know, cockfights and like, you know, underground fight clubs, like their version of UFC. What would UFC stand for? Unfortunate. Unfortunate.

Unfortunate. Foster children. Oh, no. Unfortunate foster children. Oh, no. Why'd you make it so dark? That's what it is now. Unfortunate foster children fighting to the death for your amusement. Oh, no. It's a tough world out there. Hey, man, this is a grim, dark reality. Yeah.

In addition to that, I feel like they got wizards like making portals to like the equivalent of soccer. I mean, do you want to go? Do you want to go in? Yeah, of course, man. It's a bully walks. This seems like a good friendly establishment. Probably got good spinach cheese dip. So you you

You kick open the Western-style doors to the Bullywogs, and you see it is a large and very well-lit bar, a surprisingly well-lit bar. You kind of wish it wasn't because there is every fluid imaginable on the floor. You're basically playing hopscotch to get around clean. Wet bar, baby. Foster child tears.

foster child blood. Oh, God. And in the center of the bar, it's almost like a theater in the round type thing. In the center, there is a sort of a stage or, no, what's the word I'm looking for? Wrestling ring. A ring. An octagon? There's an octagon in the center of the bar. Can it be a 20-sided ring? Oh, that's good. Yeah, it is a 20-sided ring. And inside, you see a battle royale of

five very small children, all of whom have wands and cloaks, and they are just like fucking pointing their wands at each other and explosions are coming out. A guy like summons just green tendrils of light out of his mouth and they come and like encircle somebody and slam him down three times. Orphans are getting wheeled out in wheelbarrows, all bloody and stuff, and a cleric who is also an orphan is like touching them and healing them and being like, get back in there. And they go back in. You gotta cut me, Mick. Yeah.

I find the guy writing this, I'm like, hey, what's the spread on the kid on the left? He goes, the long shot is definitely paid in. Basically, he's never been able to throw a single punch without knocking himself out. He's got the worst name of anybody I've ever seen. He rolls nothing but ones, as we say in the biz.

What does that mean in the biz? In the biz, basically it's a move and a fight. You want to do a lot of ducking and rolling, a lot of dodging to keep your stamina in a good place while you're evading all these dodges. Very Dark Souls. Yeah, Dark Souls is also our second place fighter. It's a fighting style. You have Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. They have chicken wings at Dark Souls. They're our rival bar.

Dark Souls is bullshit. Don't go there. I basically just sound like Bargy from Mission to Zix. But no, yeah, Payton, when he rolls, he rolls right on his head every time, concusses himself. We call that rolling on the one. If you roll and get on your feet, that's a 20 because the skill level goes from zero to 20, one to 20. That's how we rank our dude. Are you done asking dumb questions now?

All right. But the real bad boy, the real one that's going to destroy everybody, basically any time he steps in the ring, that's Gunner Duckworth. Gunner Duckworth. Gunner Duckworth. Again, a suggestion from Samuel Trostle. Thank you, Samuel Trostle. Oh, my gosh. So we got Payton. We got Payton is the long shot. That's 100 to 1. And Gunner Duckworth is basically 1 to 1. Everybody's scared to bet on him. You just get your money back. How old is Gunner? Gunner? He's a heaping 13 years old.

He's at the top of his weight class. He's the heaviest lightweight you've ever seen. And Peyton? Peyton is eight. Woo!

Oh, no. I'd like to do a perception check on Peyton. Okay, go ahead. I'm 18. All right. You can see that Peyton... See the fire in his eyes. Peyton has a fire in his eyes. He fights with the vigor of somebody who's trying to get back at someone who has long since died. He has all this vengeance and nowhere to put it. This is my perception for to see if he has the eye of the tiger. He definitely has the eye of the tiger. He has the eye of the tiger and the limbs of a tiger's meal. Like...

He is utterly helpless in the ring. He kind of just flops around. Now, if I recall, I believe I have three gold on me still. You do. I'm going to put all three on Payton.

Okay. 101 odds. Okay. I hate Glenn right now. I hate that Glenn's just betting on children fighting. Well, no, not the cleric. We turned the wrong way for one second. Well, no, no, let me explain. Glenn is betting on child fights for sport. You don't have to justify Glenn. And dealing drugs with his 13-year-old son. Let me be clear, though. You don't have to justify your shitty character at all. Two things. Two things.

Two things I want to be clear about. Number one, when he first walked in, one, this is a reputable chain establishment, right? And when in Rome, when in Rome, do as Romans do, bet on kid fights. And then two, there's a cleric healing up the kids. Yeah.

Dungeons and Daddies not a situational morality podcast. You got three gold down. I got three gold on Payden, baby. Okay. Tonight's main event, incidentally, is a one-on-one between Payden and Gunna Duckworth. So you are going to get your money's worth. Hey, here we go. I assume they're going to get that set up. And I think me and Nick are going to go over to the bar.

Nick, you want to get in there? Do you want me to... Do I want to fight in there? I don't know. If you want to... That'd be cool if you want. It's up to you, man. I mean, I wasn't thinking about it, but now that you're mentioning it, I kind of feel like I should. I mean, you took like... I'm good with knives. I told you I'm good with knives, but I mean, would it impress you? And I remember...

Would you think it was cool? If it would impress you, I feel like I want to do it. No, no, no. It's up to you, man. Hey, hey, hey. And he goes over to the coach. He goes, put me in there. And the bookie goes, sounds like a triple threat to me. All right, get in there, kid. Does Peyton come out? No, no. It's a triple threat, so now it's all three of them. So you now bet money technically against your son. Well, no.

I'll withdraw my bet and bet on my son. Okay. Because I've seen him because he's a black belt in like malls. You can just withdraw your bet at a Bollywog? You can move the bet. It hasn't started yet. It hasn't started yet, Matt. Come on. All right. So you move your... You know what's funny is that Bollywog... Sorry, Matt hasn't bet on a lot of child battles before. Well, it's okay. So here's... Okay. So just to take a second here, I want to talk to Nick. Nick. Yeah. You feel good? I mean, listen, man. It's not going to... I just think it's... I mean, I think you...

Fucking I've seen you do taekwondo man. You're pretty rad. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I when you when you say that it fills me with a lot of confidence I feel like I can do this. How far did you get in taekwondo? I kind of lost track of that Greenish like it wasn't that far but I feel like I got the general gist of it. I just kind of do you get the break in boards? Yeah, I mean, but it was those plastic ones you just sort of put back together Yeah, I broke some boards in my time dad. All right

These guys are basically just a couple of big walking boards. Hey, what's a, sir? The, uh, the crew PA, the guy who's running the fights. What's the guy's name? His name is. So this one's from Kathleen McCray, Patreon subscriber. And he says, my name is Scarrow McCracken. It's a fucking good name. Yeah. I'm very glad that we opened up names. Remember when you caught me off guard and I said, speaker Travis, those days are long behind us, but I wish Boreanaz would come back. Yeah.

He's out there. Whenever you want to, you can always go back to Neverwinter. He's there waiting for you. Hey, McCrack's. That's me.

You got a cleric here healing up the kids. We do. For safety. I look over at... Freddy Wong in real life looks over at Matt and says, see, it's fine. He's got a cleric. He's like, you don't need to justify your character. You do you. It has been several hours since we have had a kid death. It's a new record. Eh, you'll heal him up. He'll be fine. Okay. Just so anybody knows, if you don't understand the way a triple threat match works generally within professional, unfortunate foster children...

It means that the first person to defeat another by pinfall or submission, regardless of who that person is, wins. So...

He doesn't necessarily have to defeat Gunner. He could defeat Peyton, but you know. It's not to the death? Like it's not a battle of the death? No, it's a pinfall thing. It would not be a sustainable franchise, Will, if every time, do you think UFC everyone dies, Will, at the end of this? Is this a dead life sport? We just came from a town where there's a pit of people fucking next to a pit of people murdering each other. I don't feel like it's that far out of that. If you want to see Deathsport, then you go to fucking Dark Souls. That is disgusting.

We don't do that kind of thing here at Bullywogs. Yeah, I mean, look, I could grok from the lighting of the place. Yeah, it's well lit. We're family established. I want to look around. Like, are those families? There's families in here, right? There are a lot of families here. There are families in here, Will. They're enjoying the chicken fingers, which are literal in this world. Okay, so that's the rules of the fight. I want to talk to Nick, and I want to talk some strategy here. Hey, Nick. All right.

So the trick is, you just gotta take out one of them. Payton, Payton's got the eye of the tiger. He does. I think you gotta steer clear of Payton. Steer clear of Payton? He has the eye of the tiger. Yeah, but he has the body of not a tiger. What do you want? Like...

You want me to go after the strong one? He's like, he's like, he's my age, but seemingly twice my size. Hmm. Good point. But the problem is if the strong one tires himself out on Payton, he'll still win according to the rules of a triple threat. Okay. Nick, what do you think your strengths are as a fighter? Drumming. Okay. Striking. Yeah. I can hit them like they're the snares. I can, uh, stab them. I'm good at stabbing. I think I may have stabbed. I've only stabbed dummies. I've never actually like stabbed a person.

Great personality. That is the end of my list. Okay. Give me one second here. I'm going to go find Peyton's corner. Okay. Just hang tight. I'm going to get a bevo. Okay. Just hang tight. You know, just like do some cute stretches. Do your stretches. Yeah. I love stretching. All right. So you go find Peyton who is just alone sitting on a chair, like drinking a soda. Little you what?

I'm going to save Peyton. That's the only thing I care about. Peyton has joined the party. I'd also like to apologize, Peyton, for making this the character that I affixed your name to. That was great. Listen, we say on the submission form that Daddy Master has sole discretion in terms of the use of your submissions. Okay. Hey, Peyton. Um.

What's it going to take for you to throw the fight, my man? Oh my god, do you realize how long I've been waiting for somebody to offer me to throw a fight? Oh my god. Andy, what are you offering? You know, I'm putting together a little bit of an enterprise. A little bit of a gang, so to speak. In my head, by the way, I'm so getting all of our twist vibes here. What was the guy's name? Fagin? Fagin, yeah. So I'm trying to put together a gang here, and I noticed you got the eye of the tiger, my man. Oh, yeah.

Thank you. You know what that means? I don't. But you said it in a quiet voice, which means that it must be a compliment. Yeah. You got the eye of the tiger. You're just what my organization needs. All right. All right. Looks like you're kind of having a hard scrabbled life here. You know, it looks like what? Not quite sure what your next meal is. The pay is not great. Fighting just to survive every day. A battle.

I do like the everyday battle part, though. That is sort of why we can still keep that. But that can add a little comfort. You know, put a roof over your head. Put a sunroof over your head. OK. How about this, buddy? You let a kid over there. I glance over at Nick. You let him pin you right at the beginning of the fight here. You join our crew and I'll show you. We'll make some real moolah around here. How's that? It's not going to do a lot for my reputation. You can you can roll persuasion. I'm a roll persuasion on this.

That's a 10 plus 7, 17. You have a plus 7 to persuasion? I'm a persuasive guy. That's the rock star persona. How do you have plus 7 to persuasion? I expect all charisma. Like, I'm a dumb idiot who has a lot of charisma. That's, I mean, all right.

And just as was your dream when you spec that way, you have now convinced an eight-year-old to take a fall for you in Bloodsport. And enter your van. Yeah. Jeez. He goes, yeah, not a problem. All right, I hold my hand out for a little fist bump. In the fifth, my ass goes down. No, no, in the first five seconds. Yeah, in the first fifth of a second, my ass will go down.

Peyton, I think you and I are going to get along. I hold my hand out for a fist bump. He puts his hand completely over your fist. And he goes, I don't like to fight before a fight. Put it away. What a pro! I gotta keep the pythons nice and ready.

Peyton is my new favorite character. I love Peyton. Okay. I'm going to go back to Nick and be like, Nick, here's the plan. Submission. Pin. Hold. Go for the weak one. All right. Oh, so I am going for Peyton. Yeah, yeah. Go for the weak one. I took a step back. I took a look at the fighting arena. Nick, you're going to go for the weak one. I feel a lot better about that.

A lot better. Just go straight for a submission pin. Nick turns to Scar and McCracken and goes, what are the odds on me again? And he says, I was like, how much you bet? How much you bet? Yeah, he goes, show me, show me a feat at strength. And Nicholas tries to do some cool kung fu moves and he says, the odds are five to one. I thought you said, show me your feet.

Your feet of strength. Show me a feet of strength. I don't want to see your feet. That's what my memoir is going to be called, and it's going to be a picture of my feet. So it's five to one. If you want to keep your money on your boy. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going to keep my money on my boy. You'll get your 15 gold. And also I lean back and I think, I'm like, you know, Henry's kids would really love this. Oh, they would. Oh, I miss those boys. What a shame.

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So you've now spent enough time here not doing the thing that you said you were going to do when you came into town.

The doors bust open and you see MPAA, Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins, and the remaining Not You Dads enter. So you guys see all of this just as Scarra McCracken says, and fight! And Nick and Payton and Gunner all start going at it. As they start to go into each other, I'm gonna lock eyes with Gunner. Get your head out of the gutter, Beth May. I'm so sorry. Please get

As the fight starts, I'm going to lock eyes with Gunner and shout some insults at him. I'm going to try to intimidate him. Hold on. Let me see what my spells are. I'm going to use my cantrip vicious mockery on this kid. So you're yelling at a 13-year-old. Yeah, you heard me. Okay. It took 10 episodes, but now it's official. Glenn Close is the worst dad.

All right, do you have to roll for anything? What does that say? So, vicious mockery, I unleash a string of insults laced with subtle enchantment at a creature I see within range. If the target can hear you, though not need to understand you, it must succeed on the wisdom saving throw or take 1d4 psychic damage and have disadvantage on its attack roll it makes before the end of the next turn. Okay. What do you say? Hey, twerp! You probably couldn't... You couldn't bench shit! You idiot! Uh... All right.

Gunner looks at you and raises an eyebrow. Yeah, that's what I'm talking to you. And you see him squint as if trying to make a wisdom saving throw. He goes, somehow that affects me.

Basically, his eyes dial his people's dial and like fucking like Ratatouille. You go inside his eye and you can see reflected back at you. The reason this kid probably fights is because it was the only way he could get respected of anybody because he's not that smart. Nobody ever really respected his ability to be clever. So bad. And biggest bummer of a podcast. Now I'm so sad.

I mean, blame Matt. He said he's the one who said he said Orphan Fighting League or whatever. You're enabling him. I want to be clear. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's it's no one's more to blame than me. And he just sort of goes back to that mode and he's he's balls his fists up, but he's just fighting against his own. His own demons rather than anybody in the ring with him. I lean back, smile, go perfect.

So yeah, so he's got an opening for your son to pin Peyton, who immediately goes like, and falls over onto his back. So when we come in, we're seeing all this. You're seeing all this happen. Okay. Daryl Wilson instantly looks and sees Glenn, his eyes track. He sees this ring of children fighting. I shouldn't have parked the van right outside. No, they found you very easily. I'm assuming, yeah. Daryl Wilson runs and jumps into the ring and puts his hand out between the children. I'm like, no, I got the bat on me.

bet on this roll acrobatics to see if you can jump in without like falling on your face uh

I rolled 14. Okay. So you dive in from out of nowhere and boom, land right in front of both of them. Actually, all three of them, like right in the center of the triangle. And what do you do? I say, stop! What the hell is going on here? Why are there children fighting in the middle of this bar? Young boy, are you okay? Because Peyton fell down, right? Peyton's like, no, it's terrible. Stand up, son. Darrell Wilson, nice to meet you. I have my hand out to pick him up. And he tries to slap your hand away. I grab his hand. Do a strength check with advantage because he's very weak. To an eight-year-old? Yeah, he's very, very weak.

That's a 19. All right. He gets yanked up to his feet. He goes, this wasn't the, this, who is this? Don't worry, you're safe. You're all right, son. You're safe. And he tried, he tries to go and fall over onto his back again. And he motions at Nick to come in and pin him. And Nick's like, right. And Nick sprints for him and does a diving jump to try to get onto him. Do you do anything? Yeah. I try to grab Nick out of midair. Okay. Roll dexterity.

Freaking Daryl killing my bet. Henry's just watching flabbergasted. I just want to say that Henry got to the door. He was like, I should do something. And then Daryl dove in and he's like, I don't know what to do. I'm just going to see how this shakes out. I want the greeter to be like, how many in your party? Ron is like, are those chicken fingers? Welcome to Bullywugs. How may I seat you? I got a 14 on dexterity. Okay, he's going to roll.

All right, he rolled a little bit higher, so he managed to get on top of Peyton and Scarrow McCracken from outside slams on the ring and goes one for the first count of the one to two.

Is anybody going to do anything for me at three? Should I bet? Three! And... Dance, come on! Ding, ding, ding. Nick stands up. McCracken holds up his hand, and Nick is victorious. Yeah! Yay, everybody's super, super happy. Cheers are great. Very happy that the fight was not disqualified. Gunner heads off to fucking cry, and...

Peyton gets up and he goes, great, cool. Comes down and heads over to Glenn and goes, thanks for convincing me to take a fall so I could join your crew. Is this the rest of your crew? All right. Henry snaps. And Henry looks at Glenn and says, Glenn, pardon my French, but what the freaking gosh darn heck are you? What is this? What have you done?

That is it. You know, I try to be polite. I try to be nonjudgmental about other other dad's parenting styles. But you have to be, dare I say it, the worst father I have ever seen in my frickin life, sir. Listen, man, I know this looks bad. Yeah, it looks bad. What is going on?

How do you... What goes through your head, Glenn? Glenn, we're mad and disappointed. And Henry was being kind to you, sir, if I do say so. Guys, let's not make a scene here. Let's get a booth and talk this over. Hi, ma'am. I flagged down the waitress. Yes. We would like one booth, please, for our... How many people are sitting? For our eight-person party. You think you could squeeze us in? Oh, absolutely. Thank you so much. A lot of people left after that last fight. It was pretty disappointing for a lot of them, so...

So yeah, she sits you down and hands you out menus. Is it like one of those big circular booths? I wind up awkwardly having to sit next to Glenn, who I just said was like, we're like in the middle of the booth. See, celebrity gets you a lot. Got us this booth. Nick won.

Everybody cheered because I'm a big star now. You sure are, Ron. You sure are. I feel like Lizard Boy is talking to the server and be like, it's his birthday today. Can we get a cake? Can we get a cake? Do you know who this is? This is Hi, I'm Ron. Guys, look.

I know that was mega unchill of me back there, and I know I ran off, but that was a bad situation you put us in. Ron, I'm not pointing fingers or anything, but you sang a Christmas song. That's like my thing. We were going to lose that battle of the bands. I had no choice. You condemned us to death back there. And listen, I know that the water mice and the gang that Nick was running with were in trouble, but you always got to, you know...

Look out for yourself. And the way I was seeing it, that situation was rolling around where we could not have won that battle of the bands. And myself and my son was in mortal danger. We had to get out of Dodge. And I know that you guys joined up with that band and looked like you guys were going to be fine. You were...

impersonating them, you could have slipped into the crowd. I know you're wily. I've seen you, Daryl and Henry, and to a lesser extent, Ron. We've been through a lot of scrapes, and I felt like you guys could have handled it. But my priority first and foremost was looking out for my son and myself and our safety, and we had to get out of there. And yeah, maybe it could have been handled a little more elegantly, maybe a little more communication. I know that my therapist says I got to work on that, but we made it out.

And for the most part, we seem to be okay here. So that was the biggest load of bullshit I ever heard. Glenn, I understand trying to take care of your kid, but we got kids too. We've been helping each other. Glenn, we don't know what's going to happen. And we got to return those books from the van. Otherwise we're going to die. My problem, Glenn, is that you're clearly only thinking about yourself.

And your kid. We all got kids. We're all helping each other out. Who knows what could have happened? You could have lost the van. Those books. We got to return those books or we might die. You weren't thinking about us at all. That's the problem, Glenn. We're a team, god damn it. When you leave the team, where do we find you? Huh? Where are we? You're betting on children?

Fighting? Are they fighting? Ma'am? Ma'am? Over here? Excuse me? Yeah. What sort of establishment is this? What sort of fights are these? Oh, this is orphan fights. That's about 20 times worse than I thought it was. I thought this was like a special child fight. Okay. Maybe in the day. Sorry. It's foster children, not orphans. I lied. I'm sorry.

I'm slightly wrong. Oh, that's okay. That's, I don't know if that's better or worse. Did you, did you want any appetizers or drinks? We'll take it. I'll take a spinach cheese dip. You got spinach cheese dip? Absolutely. No, anything but spinach cheese dip then ma'am. Round of chicken fingers coming up. All right. Thank you. All the things we got. Okay. Uh, fellow dads, I'm going to jump in here for just a second. And thanks for everyone else that's sitting at the table for, for sitting here. Lizard Boy Scales McStuffin, Peyton. Happy to be here. Happy to be here. Happy to be here.

Sorry, that's not what I sound like. This is what I sound like. There's a lot of emotions flying around right now. We just had a very intense situation. I would like to say that I apologize for flying off the handle back there. It was justified, man. I get it. You know, here's what I'm going to say. I think we should all... I'm going to grab this. There's like a bone on the ground, like from a miscellaneous bone. This is the feelings bone.

And whoever's holding the feelings bone gets to talk. I grab the bone. I roll dexterity. I'm instantly rolling, but I'm instantly grabbing the bone. And then oppose it with your dexterity roll. That's going to be tough to oppose a natural 20. Holy shit. Henry doesn't even remember holding the bone. He just brings it up and then it's in your hand. I hold it and I just stare at Henry. Okay.

I'm holding the bone up so you don't talk. I have the bone. I have the bone. Ron goes to a different table and starts eating chicken fingers to get bones. Glenn, what were you going to do here? You took my van. You left us all high and dry. What's your plan? I just want to also urge you guys to both use I feel statements. I feel like if Henry wanted to talk, he should get the bone.

Glenn, you guys can't see it, but Henry's frowning really hard right now. He cannot believe how South is went on him so quickly. Just what is the plan here? We're going to give you the bandwidth of doubt. We've been through a lot, but here we are. We're in a bar of some sort where children are fighting and you stole our van and left us high and dry. What's the deal?

So I'm going to lie to my fellow dads. Okay. Which I assume is going to be a role here. Yes. But I'm going to tell a fib, as it were. Look. I raise my hand. Oh, yes. Can I get the bone? Just talk. I don't want to give you the bone. Give me the bone. All right. Okay. Henry, I was just going to say, you need to give Glenn the bone for him to talk. And I give the bone to Glenn. Get on.

Daryl's a man who plays by the rules. Thank you for letting me know that, Henry. I receive the bone. I stare. Freddie and the bone go into each other. Hitting with zingers. I wrap my hands around the bone. And I say, look, the plan was get out of immediate danger because that battle of the bands was going south. And the only place logically that we knew we were all headed was Waterdeep.

and to wait for you guys here. And we found a drinking hole, and we decided to come in and wait it out. And Nick jumps in and says, and what we were thinking... Sorry, can I have the bone? Oh, yeah. Thank you. Can I hand the... Yes, you can have the bone. You have the bone. You can hand it. So I feel that also our plan was to get a lot of money together so we could buy back the other kids from slavery. You don't have any money. How are you going to rescue kids that have been sold into slavery? Can we start rolling some sense motive checks here? Yes. Okay. So...

Friday, you're going to roll Persuasion, and the rest of you are going to roll Insight with advantage because you are not really inclined to believe anything he's saying right now. All right. That's a 14 plus 7, 21. I swear to God, Daryl Wilson straight up rolled a natural 20 again. Oh, my God. Two in a row plus one. So 21. Jesus Christ. Okay. I got a 19. I got a 19 plus three. Oh, damn. All right. No one is buying the bullshit from the close boys. Son, give me the bone.

Are you going to be nice? No, I'm not. I'm going to talk some real... I'm going to talk some real... Ron walks over with a plate of bones and is like the Oprah of chicken finger bones. You get a bone and you get a bone. Ron, can I have a quick chicken finger? My blood sugar's a little low. They're just bones. Okay. Everybody grabs a bone. I grab a bone. I grab one of those bones. So as this happens, Scar McCracken slinks over the table and he goes...

Seems like you guys got a little argument going on. You know how we usually solve these arguments here at Bullywogs.

You want to step into the Icosagon? Daryl Wilson, nice to meet you. What's your name, sir? My name is Skyro McCracken. Could you give us just one second? I will be here. Okay. And he steps back one step and then temples his hands together. That man definitely wants us to fight, which, depending on what happens soon, may happen. Glenn, I just want you to think for one second. Henry's boys are missing. If I see my boy, as of right now, I'm going to have to eat his skin.

And Ron doesn't know where her son is either. And we have found your son and we put our lives on the line. We did everything we could to help him. And you guys seem to be okay. Ron can't help it that he has an angel's voice that has come down from on high. None of us knew that that was going to happen. And Ron knew it was going to happen. You knew it was going to happen. Henry, I have to, I have to be honest.

I knew it was going to happen. I knew nobody could compete with these gorgeous, gorgeous pipes of mine. But Henry, I have to apologize, which is the first time I think I've ever done anything like that. But once I opened up these pipes and started singing Silent Night, I knew that crowd was, well, they were really proud of me. Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins puts his hand on your forearm and closes his eyes and is just like nodding.

And I thought that that was pretty fucking rad. It was, Ron. It was rock and roll. I just want you to know that I've done everything I can to try to keep it together. Okay? This is a team here, and I just want to say as a teammate, you let down your team, Glenn, and I'm worried about my son. I think we're all worried about our sons, and I just wish you had...

I just wish you had respected us a little bit more as a man. I can. We all have bones. Go ahead, Henry. Talk. This is a safe space now. And thanks for teaching me that term, Henry. Safe space. I like it. Yeah. You know, it's a good term. People use it a lot for a lot of different things. It's gotten a little watered down in the culture lately, but I think I don't care about that part. OK, well, good. I kind of gesture to Scarlet like, hey, where's my fucking money? I got five to one on that guy. Sorry. While that's going on, I'm telling Daryl about an article in The New Yorker that he should read about safe spaces when we get back to Earth.

Scar approaches and goes, ah, yes, yes, here's your 15 coins. Did you bet on the child fight?

Correction. Out of earshot of Scarro, I go, I ensured that we would have some money to move around here in the Forgotten Realms as I put the 15 on the table. Okay, okay. Henry, just get it together, Henry. Just breathe for a second. Sounds like a smart business decision. Thank you, Ron. Here's what I'm suggesting. Think about the return on investment, the ROI, I think. Yeah? I'm still holding this bone like it means anything. Awesome.

Also, he's doing it in real life. It's like mimicking holding a bone. Will Campos is. It's great. I'm going to say this, fellow dads. Other than Ron singing, which was great, but I got to admit, Ron, I'm a little disappointed that you knew it was going to affect the plan poorly and you did it anyway. You're disappointed? You're not mad. You're, you're, you're, you're, you're disappointed? Ron, take a D12 of psychic damage. Oh!

You found like the most powerful insult. You hear the voice of your father echoing in your skull. Ron takes 10 damage. Henry realizes that he has triggered some issues for Ron. So Henry is going to cast healing word on Ron. And he's going to say a healing word and say, it's okay. We all get disappointed sometimes, but I forgive you and we all love you.

And then I cast healing word. Yeah. Carol waves to the waitress to get some more chicken wings for Ron. Ron mops his teary face with chicken wings. She comes back and she's like, I'm sorry. We are out of chicken wings. We have the spinach. You said specifically not the spinach? Not the spinach. That's all we have left. I glare at Glenn. Not the spinach. Ron heals for 10. Oh, wow.

well done. Yeah. So you still feel a little sad, but you know, right back where you were. No, that's what it is. What do you, what do you, what do you, what do you want to eat there, Ron? What? Uh, let's take a look at the, well, actually, what do you have? Spinach cheese dip. I will take the chicken wings. Right. We're out of those. That's what I was just, I was just telling you that. Well,

what do you have? Spinach cheese dip. Okay. I'm thinking, I don't know about you fellas, but I'm thinking chicken wings. All right. You know what? I'll go look in the back. Can you just check? Yep. No, I'll go check it. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'll check in the back. You know who he is, right? Nope. I mean, I'm getting a sense of it. That's hi, I'm Ron. It's me. I don't, I don't know who that is. Hi, I'm Ron. Oh, great. Wonderful. You'll find out about it soon enough. He's going to be all the rage very soon. Gentlemen, here's what I'd like to say.

I think all of us goofed up in our separate ways in our last escapade. And so what I'd like to propose is a reset. And from this point forward, dads don't do other dads dirty. I like that. But I was just saying...

Henry, I see you're sticking your bone in the middle there. Should we all stick our bones together? Bones in the middle. Dads don't do other dads dirty. Can we all do that? Can we all put our bones in the middle and say dads don't do other dads dirty? Peyton's like, absolutely, yeah. We'll say that. Not you, Peyton. It's important. When you look at the game tape, you don't just sit there and you say, everybody on the team did a bad job.

You look at what actually happened. I'll say this. That's a pile of bullshit. We did not do each other dirty. Glenn did us dirty. And all I'm asking is, Glenn, I would like you to apologize to the three of us and say that what you did was wrong. And then we will forgive you because that's what we do because we're a team. We will all make mistakes at some point. Ron was strong enough to apologize, Glenn. Yes. And we're all very proud of Ron for that. Nick looks at you and he grits his teeth and he just shakes his head. Oh, my God.

Don't do it, Dad. Don't you fucking do it, Dad. Not to these cucks. Oh my gosh. Did we hear that? No, he's not saying it. It's all in the eyes. Very expressive eyes. He's doing a lot of eyebrow work. He's like The Rock. Glenn, you gotta apologize. No bones about it.

Oh, the first dad joke of the episode. All right, well, the kids are going to take a... Automatic. So you just did altogether 11 damage to several children. Oh, my gosh. That's more damage than the whole fight. That's the most bones without any David Boreanaz. That's right, Glenn. You really boned it up. And then I hold up a bone. It was okay. Daddy master said it. It counts. Glenn, no chickening out on this apology.

Mmm. Mmm. Yum. Just down to you now. Sort of directing that all out. Listen, guys. Let me just wing it here real quick. All right. Well done. Well done. Now you have to send it somewhere. All that damage. I think the Kraken's heard all of this. Okay. Will he know we heard him? No, he'll just get a splitting migraine. Yeah, fuck him. He runs a child battle ramp. The Kraken's getting the brunt of that. So he gets one, two, three, four D4s. Oh, shit.

We may kill a man here today with our dad. He falls to the ground. Oh my gosh. His eyes roll back into his head and he just, boom, hits the ground. Oh God. Holm, what happened? I think Glenn was about to say something. Glenn? Guys.

and I give, I give Nick a look like this is what my eyes are saying, which is we're going to need these guys' help to get home. And at the very least having a bunch of people at a table mad at you is bad band vibes. A lot of that's a lot of eyebrow work there. Freddie, we're going to need you to post a video of you communicating that with eyebrow gestures on the Twitter. That's a good one. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that. Um, guys,

I agree. What we did back there, what I did to you guys, as you, Henry, put it, did you dirty. It was whack. Let me at least say that I was doing it because I was fearing for my life and the life of my son. And I think any of you, when faced with that situation, would have done the same with your own kid. That aside, that aside, I recognize that I did you all dirty. Daryl,

I'm sorry I took your baby. I took your beast. I think you'll be wanting these back. Glenn's got that half-assed apology down from YouTubers and influencers. I'm sorry you were offended. Listen, I'm sorry you guys were offended. I'm going to slide the keys over. I grabbed them. Henry, thank you for mediating this. Again, I'm sorry about your kids. And Ron, I guess I forgive you for singing a Christmas song that good.

Again, kind of my thing, but... And imperiling myself and the kid, but I know you didn't mean to, but he did mean to. I meant to. I meant to. Wait, Glenn, is your apology to Ron to forgive him for something that he did? Hold on, Daryl. And I'm sorry I ditched out on you. I'm sorry you took my pipes so personally, but, you know, it's just...

My pipes. Good enough. Dads don't do dads dirty on three. One, two, three. Dads don't do other dads dirty. Bullshit. And you see Nick standing up in his chair and he...

points at all of you. You guys are a bunch of fucking hypocrites. You just want to control all this bullshit. You only like him because he helps you out fucking finding your stupid kids. And the second he finds his kid and wants to make his life a little bit better, you just want to shit all over it. Fuck you. Fuck you. And his eyes roll back into his head. And when they come back, the irises are purple or the corneas are purple. And you hear the voice that you previously heard coming out of Lark and Sparrow. Nick turns and looks at Glenn and he says,

You cannot raise a child because you are a child. You will never understand what it takes to raise a life until you get one of your own. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. No, I have the bone. Hi, Darrell Wilson here, nice to meet you. Are you the guy from The Dream? Yes, I just thank God. What's your name, sir? I put my hand out. Darrell Wilson, nice to meet you. What's your name? I'm not going to tell you my name.

I figured it out soon enough. Why won't you tell us your name? Yeah, what are you afraid of? Chump? I'm a Slap Nick. Okay. Roll an attack. Two. All right. You try to slap him, and he just catches your hand, and he goes... Good idea, Glenn. I try Slap Nick also. All right. Go ahead and roll attack.

That's a six. All right. He grabs your hand, too. Henry's got two hands. So he just grabs both of your hands. And before anybody else can do anything, he just fucking, like, bam, bam from the Flintstones. Just, like, throws you just with your wrist. Bam. You fall on the fucking ground hard. Like, far harder than any 13-year-old should ever be able to throw somebody. Like what dice heart? If you were to, like, quantify how many dice heart that is. You both take a D8 of damage. Whoa. And then he starts to levitate. Whoa.

And he says, you are not worthy of being fathers. You take your children for granted. You take yourselves for granted. You take the very act of fatherhood for granted. And if it takes every breath in my body and every bit of dark magic I can conjure, I will make sure that you regret the day you ever had children. Hey, Daryl, isn't your kid's name Grant? Psst.

And he just goes, Jesus fucking Christ. And he begins to fade out of existence. And for a brief second, Nick's eyes go back from purple and he looks at Glenn and he goes, Dad, Dad, what did I do? Dad, I'm sorry. This is my fault somehow, I feel like. I didn't, I wasn't a good enough son. I fucked this up. I'm so sorry. When you get a chance, Nick, you stab. I'll keep that in mind, Dad. I've learned nothing. And he fades out of existence.

Check, please.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro music is All Right by Maxton Waller. Additional backgrounds by Sword Coast Soundscapes.

Thank you this week to Samuel Trostle, Peyton Bennett, Ben McDonald and Kathleen McCray, Patreon supporters who submitted characters and location names that we use in this episode. You too can submit characters, locations and items by becoming a Patreon supporter at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads, where you'll join an entire army of dad enablers. Find folks like Benjamin Seepster, Tom Lum and Anna Black who make the show possible.

Supporters get access to exclusive bonus content like a companion commentary podcast called Talking Dad, where we chat about the ongoing campaign and answer listener questions. Find us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads, Facebook at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads, subreddit at r slash Dungeons and Daddies.

And as always, thank you to those of you out there tweeting about the show, leaving iTunes reviews and exposing your friends to our bad dad jokes. By getting the show out there together, we can end the stigma against dad jokes once and for all. Next episode coming at you June 17th. So until then, if it's sunny outside, don't forget to apply sunscreen. If it's cloudy outside, don't forget to apply sunscreen. There was a time when you didn't know they never brought you down.

It's not going to do a lot for my reputation. Oh, but baby, you won't need that. You can roll persuasion. I'm going to roll persuasion on this. And thank God that Glenn is... I don't like that you called him baby. I may cut that. You can't cut it now.

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