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Hey folks, Freddie and Matt and Anthony and Beth and Will here. Hi. Hello. We're doing a little bit of a bonus. For those of you who have been watching on our Twitter, we partnered up with headcount.org to help drive some voter registrations. We set ourselves a nice easy goal of 150 folks. We basically blew by that in a couple of days real fast. And what we're doing is a little election themed one shot. Anthony, what are we playing tonight? So tonight we are going to play a
a homebrew campaign in the system called Executive Decision. Executive Decision is designed by a guy named Greg Stolz or Stoltz. It's called a white knuckle game of real time political crisis. It takes exactly an hour to play, give or take. Maybe I shouldn't have said exactly. And it's basically meant to sort of simulate being in an Aaron Sorkin high octane political drama. I'm already disappointed because I thought we were doing an RPG about
the Kurt Russell movie executive decision, which is the first radar movie I ever saw. And I was pretty pumped for some helicopter blade cutting off some head action. That would be Steven Seagal and I would leave like 20 minutes in. Freddie beat me to the Steven Seagal joke. Nice. Nice.
Nice. So the episode that we are playing tonight is called Pokemon Go to the Polls. So to explain the basic premise of this game, as I said, it takes place over 60 minutes. The idea is that all of you, I'm going to play the media, which is not a real thing that exists in the rules. I'm just doing it just so that I don't have to play. Or in the real world. At least not really anyway. Yeah.
So I'm going to be sort of teaching you about the rules a little bit and then doing some updates as we go along the game. The basic premise is that all of you are going to be different members of the president's cabinet or the president, him or herself. Statistically, probably himself. Both on the podcast and in real life, unfortunately. Matthew President. No, I don't really want to be president because I are actually president. And this game might be great because I don't need to know a lot. President in this game is like incredibly important. So the rules of this game, there is no dice rolling. There is no randomness.
All it is, is trying to convince the president to pick your course of action. Basically, 20 minutes into the game, the media is going to present you with four different courses of action related to the political crisis that you're in. Each one of those political courses of action will change, basically, agendas that the different cabinet members have. So, for example, if I'm the Secretary of Defense, I want an agenda that makes the country's investment in the military go up. Yeah, that's what I wanted to do. Maybe you can be the Secretary of Defense then, if you've got your heart set on that.
I do. Okay, great. You're Secretary of Defense. But doesn't the president get to choose? Oh, I guess, yeah. To pick his cabinet? I feel like everyone should get to pick their part. Everybody gets to be what they want to be, yeah. The president doesn't just get to point to a random person and say, you're the Secretary of Defense. That is the rules. Three, 2016, the president did not get to point at a random person and say. It's not
like I got a bachelor's degree in film and then somebody called me up to the White House like, sorry, you've got bigger fish to fry. We all pick what we want to do, but we're going to vote for who's president amongst us. You can't. You don't have to. It just says decide which player is president. So if one of you really wants to be president, you can be president.
I think it's between me and Will. It's between me and Will. Freddie, how are we going to decide who's going to be president? Should we rock, paper, scissors? Well, no, you two have clearly voted for yourself. Hey, Beth, so it's up to us. Clearly the way to do it, Will, is to just promise anything and everything to anybody who wants it. As a dynamic, wealthy businessman, I give $100 million to Anthony to run attack ads against Freddie. Anthony, give me some attacks on Freddie. You're my super PAC now. I've hired you away from DMM, and now you're my flack who does attack ads about Freddie.
Freddie Wong doesn't even know how to play real guitar. What makes you think he can handle a real country? Will Campos has graduated from college. Freddie can't even get out of a video game high school. Black and white picture of my face. I'm Will Campos, and I approve this message. So, like, Freddie, I think, is, like, too susceptible to, like... Compromat? Yeah.
I don't even know what that means. Blackmail, basically. Well, I just think that, like, Will, you know, he doesn't need a lot of, like, statistics or whatever. It's just you got to give him a good argument. Whereas Freddie, like... So you think I'll be easier to manipulate. That's what you think. Yes.
That's what it sounds like. I do feel like Freddie will essentially just decide what he thinks is the right thing to do. As a good president should. Yes. I think Will can probably be swayed. I have a question for both of you. What's more important? Okay. Guns or flowers? Freedom. So guns. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I'm going to answer flowers. I'm going to vote for Will. I'm voting for Will. I'm also voting for Will. Agriculture. All right, so Will, you are president. All right. I've lost in a landslide. Freddie, would you like to demand a recount? Do you want to take this to the Supreme Court to challenge the election? I actually voted for Will because I know that he's very pro-life and that's what I'm interested in.
This sucks that we're doing this on the podcast. I literally just want to make political jokes all night long and then like go on Reddit and be like those cucks. All of a sudden a bunch of people are sending you links that they want you to click. So the rest of you have to pick who you're going to be now. So Beth, you're going to be Secretary of Defense. Will is going to be President. Matt and Freddie, what are you going to be? Yes. I was thinking just like in the pre-Jefferson days, I would be VP. Okay. Okay.
Oh, that's good. I like that. That's bipartisanship right there. Freddie, welcome to the team. No hard feelings about the dirty campaign I ran against you and all the ways I smeared you in public. I'm glad we can put our differences aside. I'm going to be the secretary, the incredibly important secretary of interior. Interior design. That's what I thought it was. My name is Bobby from Queer Eye. Caleb B. Smith Jr., who's the great, great, great, great, great grandson of...
Caleb B. Smith, who was the Secretary of Interior under Abraham Lincoln. Okay. I knew it. I knew it. I built a team of rivals, everyone. B, by the way, his middle name stands for blood, straight up. That's his name. Caleb Blood Smith. Is that true? Yes. Whoa. He died during the Civil War, but I literally can't find how he died. Maybe he never did.
Okay, so I'm going to be Secretary of Defense and my name is going to be Babs Jetson. Babs Jetson. Caleb and Babs have some issues with each other. Yeah. Babs Jetson, Caleb Smith.
And Freddie Wong. Former video game high school teacher Freddie Wong. Former video game high school teacher Freddie Wong. Back from the dead. Freddie, what's your name? You don't have to be Freddie Wong. You can be someone else. Well, you ran the attack ads against Freddie Wong. So that is the brand that I have against the people. So I'll be Freddie Wong. I guess I did paint myself into the box as Will Campos then as well. So just know that for the purposes of role playing, President Will Campos is an entirely separate and fictional person who does not represent the political beliefs or...
sincerely held moral values of IRL Will Campos in person. Okay. So the particular cabinet position that you took will have one agenda that basically comes with it. So Secretary of Defense wants military to do well. Secretary of the Interior wants conservation to do well. The VP wants tax revenue. Yes, tax revenue.
And then you are going to look at the other column and the subsequent page, and you are going to pick up to three, but if you want to, more agendas for yourself. The way that agendas work, they are going to be how you win or lose the game. So at the very end of the game, the president, Will, is going to choose one of four courses of action. And each course of action is going to make each one of those agendas either move upward, move downward, or stay where they are. Hmm.
You're going to give yourself a point for every agenda that you have that moves upward. You're going to take away a point for every agenda you have that moves downward. So you're going to be basically arguing. So, for example, Beth is probably going to want to argue for something military or forceful because that's going to get her a point because she knows that as secretary of defense, that's what she cares about.
In addition to that, you are then going to write down some predictions for things that might happen during this story. Sorry, sorry. So the prediction thing is actually it's not going to happen in setup. It's going to happen during the game. So while they're debating with you, any non-presidential player can make an assertion.
And they can say, I'm making an assertion and then say that thing. And if it turns out that what they're saying actually comes to pass in the story, then they get an additional point for being prescient. This is so great. The pressure's off for me. I don't have to do anything. Yeah. No, now I feel way too dumb for this. So like...
in the story, meaning like the what comes from the news? Sure. So, yeah. So basically the way that this game works and the reason that I cannot play is that the major turns of the story that happened outside of the White House, basically every game of executive decision has one core crisis, much like a West Wing episode that everybody in the West Wing is trying to deal with. And the things that change the nature of that crisis happen regardless of your control every 20 minutes or like act break sort of turns.
Ideally, people playing the game don't know what those turns are. Since I wrote this, I know what all the turns are and therefore I cannot play. So I as the media will every 20 minutes inform you of a new turn in the story that will potentially influence what you're arguing and what options become available to you and all that kind of stuff. So when you're making assertions, you're basically betting on you know what script I wrote, essentially. Okay. I'm assuming based off of what we decide, right?
that decision will essentially have effects on each of the agendas. So like, if it's like the Pokemon are attacking the White House and we choose like a military action, then like the military agenda gets like,
like plus one or whatever. Exactly. At the 20 minute mark, you're going to get four different possible options for dealing with a Pokemon in total. And every single one of those options, you have to convince the president to choose one. The president will choose one. When that one goes into effect, every single possible agenda gets affected by that, whether it's up, down or middle, essentially. And then you'll count up your points based on how many you have. All right. You do not have to tell each other your agendas other than the one that is public knowledge. And once you're ready,
I'll basically start as the media and inform you about what's been going on. All right, I'm ready for a walk and talk, except, you know, on the TV. I feel like I need to stand for this, you know, get the proper blood flow. I am the Lord thy God, I shall have no other gods before me. Okay, so once I say go, I'm going to start a timer. And again, you have 60 minutes for this game. Every 20 minutes, I will stop you and then stop the timer and then explain what happens. So...
I'm the media. This is... This is DMN. What's DMN stand for? Daddy Master News. This is DMN. I'm your Daddy Master. All across America...
Small creatures, colloquially referred to as Pokemon, are appearing. Little creatures with incredible powers. Scientists cannot come to a consensus on where these creatures came from, but they've appeared all over the world. They also cannot come to a consensus on the degree of sentience that they have. They can speak, but some of them can only speak their own names. Some of them can't speak at all. But some can seemingly make their own decisions and express basic human intelligence, but it's just too early to know for sure. But let me tell you this, listeners.
Viewers, whatever. It's not too early for the government to make a decision on what to do with these things because the people, the people that I represent as the media and don't influence at all are clamoring for a response. A house fire in Scottsdale caused the death of a single mother and second degree burns on her eight year old daughter. And it said, and we have eyewitness reports from this and a lot of contradictory video information that the fire was started by a little red bull.
All right. I'm glad we could all meet at short notice. I know it's late at night and we all have places we'd like to be. Places we'd like to be, yeah.
Sorry, go ahead. Sorry, sir. Sorry, I was just doing some Sorkin-esque dialogue, sir. Sorry, sir. I was just so excited to be... Go ahead. Of course you were, Babs. Welcome to the team. This is our big cabinet meeting, and I've just been briefed by the Warchiefs, or whatever they're called, on the Pokemon threat. And obviously this poor little girl has been torched by a Charmeleon or something to that effect, and I want to know what each one of you think we should do about it. Okay.
Sorry, sir. Sorry I'm late, sir. Do you mind if I sit next to you? Of course. Who are you? Caleb, right? Yes. I knew your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. Yes, Caleb, Secretary of Interior. You might hate. From the books I read. VP, you mind scooting over, VP? Can I sit next to the Prez? Yeah, sure. It's fine. So you're telling me some single mom gets singed over in Scottsdale? What did the military say about these things? What are they, weapons? They foreign? What's the deal? That's a good question. Babs, what does the military think? Oh, what do they say? Oh, military doesn't really say anything beyond boom, boom, boom.
Boom. And that's what I think that we should do. I like that. I like that. Military. I think we should listen to the military. Let's do it. Let's just blow them up. You're saying we should, but these creatures seem to be all over the country. So you're saying we should individually find and drone strike. Individually. I wasn't here at the beginning. Was it on a national park? Did this happen on a national park? No, it's happened in a residential area in Arizona. Hold on. Let me just turn on the media real quick to see if this happened in a national park.
Pokemon are appearing everywhere, even in national parks, but not exclusively there. Well, we don't know if we can trust this channel. Let me try another channel. The liberal media wants you to believe that Pokemon are appearing only in national parks, but I'm here to tell you the truth. Sometimes they appear in national parks. Now let me turn into Bill Maher and see what he has to say. Something unfunny and stupid and regressive. All right, that's enough of that. You mind if you just loot on Bill Maher for a bit, though? Just like in the background? All right, but I'm putting him on mute. Okay.
What do you mean on national park? What country do you think you're living in, pal, huh? Living in the great United States of America? Yeah, that means that everything is a national park. If you park your ass in this country, you call yourself an American? Babs, you get it. That's what I've been trying to say all along. Mr. Perez, maybe you should listen to this. Everything in America is really a national park when you think about it. Isn't it crazy that the Secretary of Interior is eighth in the line of succession when we think about it? I'm responsible for all
the land in America? Well, I was eighth in my class at Harvard, but that doesn't make me a smarty pants, does it, hot shot? Back when I was growing up on a farm with my grandpappy and my father and mother, I thought a lot about this great country of ours. And one thing I learned for sure is that America is a place that has values built on freedom and the expression of decency and
The ideals of our forefathers. So what I'd like to do is come up with a plan to deal with this threat in an American way. Sir, with all due respect, we don't have time here to listen to long folksy tales and monologues. We got a single mom in the hospital right here. The question is, are these things dangerous? Do we need to be rounding them up? I say we need to get the National Guard in play here and capture them and study them so we know what kind of threat we're dealing with. Oh, capture them. So you wish to catch them all.
You're a pro-catch-them-all agenda. If I'm a pro-catch-them-all agenda, then so be it, sir. But I think that it's not worth wasting time here jacking our jaws over bullshit like national parks and how we're going to put them in there. Let me ask you something, Veep. Do you think that single mother in Scottsdale, Arizona wishes that you had caught...
The Pokemon? Or do you think that she wishes that the Pokemon hadn't singed her ass off in the first place? Tell me that, Veep. Tell me what you're thinking. I don't know, Babs. I think that when she's sitting there in the ICU getting pumped in oxygen, I think the only thing on her mind is wondering what her government is doing about this threat. Mr. President, I have an idea. I'd love to hear it.
I never saw the entire movie, but if the first 15 minutes of Jurassic Park tells me anything, I think what we should do is take all, look, two birds with one stone. It's been a while since we've had a national park that really like captured the attention of the world. Now, the other thing we haven't done in a while is like claimed any new territory, you know, imperialism. That's a good way to get your name in the papers. Am I right? Get ourselves a new country. Why don't we take something like Puerto Rico or Haiti? I don't know. One of those countries below us, make a new national park, put all
All the Pokemon over there, they're all safe. They're not hurting any single mothers unless they buy a ticket, extra tax revenue. Listen, we already know this thing is deadly. We already know this thing is capable of- Yeah, so put it apart. Tigers are deadly. Yeah. And we got zoos. So get this Pokemon in.
a big zoo. There's a whole new alien species that showed up everywhere. They're the ones that strike first. It's time to deploy the National Guard into our cities and protect our citizens. Absolutely. You want the National Guard in our cities? Everywhere. Yeah, yeah, everywhere. In our national parks, so everywhere. All right, team. You want martial law because a bunch of animals appear? Excuse me, I am the president and I am talking and by God, I will be respected in this my Oval Office, sir. Yes, Mr. President. I've heard all of your points. You are all
bold, dynamic, sexy people with interesting, complicated backstories and relationships. Each line of dialogue coming out of your mouths more scintillating than the previous. The show gets better as it goes along, not worse. It seems to me that, Mr. Wong, you're in favor of deploying the natural guard, capturing the Pokemon, and studying them for scientific use. Yeah, I agree. Yes, that's right. And it seems that you, Babs Jetson, my Secretary of Defense, want to declare all-out war and annihilate the Pokemon threat.
Whereas you, Mr. Caleb, you seem to want to round them up and put them into some sort of Pokemon zoo in a foreign country and then charge admission. I'm halfway there with Babs. See, actually, I think me and Babs are saying the same thing. Dammit, man, the last thing I need is wishy-washy AIDS pettering about the place. In the words of William Shakespeare, don't tell me a tale full of sound and fury meaning nothing, man. But also in the words of Shakespeare, no, maybe not. Yeah.
Look deep into your heart, Caleb. I hired you because you were the best in the business. I know. Damn it. I'm saying. You're saying you don't know. Tell me what you know, man. What should we do? We use the military, get the Pokemon, put them in a park, and then Merkel will stop calling you a boring ass president because all of a sudden we got a country with
with the hottest amusement park in the world. This meeting is adjourned. Babs, Caleb, get out of my office. I need to consult with the vice president. Yes. Do you mind if I stay, though? Get out of my office, damn you! I saltily turn around on my heel and then I close the door a little harder than it should be.
I walk into the door because Babs closed the door in front of me. You have to turn the handle, Caleb. That's how it works. And then I eye a Secret Service agent up and down with my power suit on and then my heels clack, clack, clack, clack down the hallway. I look back at Freddie and I say, hey, tell Amy I'll bring the chicken tonight. And I close the door. I somberly walk to the veranda and open up a liquor cabinet and then I pour out two glasses of scotch and I hand one to Freddie. Hey.
What's going on, William? You seem off your game tonight. Fred, how long have we known each other? At this point, 13 years, not counting Harvard. I remember when we started that billion-dollar social media company while we were roommates at Harvard, and then we went on to great success, and then we had a big falling out, and then I brought you back because you're the only man I could trust. Well, right now, I need to trust you more than ever. What do you really, deep down in your bones, think we should do? I know when we were running Google Book, we thought that it was all about capturing information.
But at what cost? What did it cost us? It almost cost us our friendship. You know, you don't get to make 500 million friends without making a few enemies along the way. And God knows we've made a couple. So I'm asking you right now, these Pokemon, do you think they're friend or foe? You remember what I told you?
At that really expensive restaurant in Palo Alto, the scene is a little bit shady. I don't quite remember it. That was the place there they were playing the Niagara Falls video, and they said it was a tropical scene, and I thought it was ridiculous. And I downed my scotch. I'm going to give you the same advice that I gave you back then. Drop the the.
Okay, we cut outside. I hand a second glass cup to Babs because I have my ear up against the door with a glass cup. And I hand it back. And then I see another person coming back the other way and I hand them a cup too. And then I take whatever paper they were holding. And I look at the paper and I say, I needed this yesterday.
Can I make an assertion? No, you can go ahead and make an assertion, Pat. So like this is probably too vague to actually matter, but I think that the next thing that will happen is that the Pokemon will like provide something that like the Earth needs or something like creates more oxygen or whatever. I actually don't know anything about Pokemon except I have a holographic Charmander.
At home. I would like to make an assertion as well. No, just a point of order. Are the assertions supposed to be in character or are they supposed to be game assertions? Oh yeah, they should be in character. Yeah. So yeah, do them in the scene as the president comes out of the Oval Office. Okay. All right. I've made my decision. I have decided that I am going to... And before he does, Freddie mutters under his breath an assertion. And the assertion is this.
I swear to God, if these things become sentient and start asking for rights, I don't know what I'm going to do. Okay, go ahead and write that down on your character sheet. Now, are the Pokemon all over the world or just in America? All over the world, Matt. Do you not pay attention to the news? I'm the Secretary of Interior. I don't really care about much of what's going on. Well, then we shouldn't just be focusing on America. We should be focusing on other countries. Where can we annihilate the Pokemon? God damn it. I say to myself...
Under my breath. I'm going to be so pissed off if the Pokemon actually do something good for the world and then I have to cover up that the Pokemon did something good and then be like, oh, they needed to die anyway. But anyways, that's my assertion. I mean, you didn't hear that.
I didn't because I'm two scotches deep and I have a condition where my hearing goes the more I drink. Must be Tuesday, huh, President? Mr. President, have you seen how cute these darn Pokemon are? Have you seen how cute my ass is? I saw how cute that poor little girl was before she got lit up by that monster. I'm just asserting that if we don't put them all in a park and we let them run free...
People are not going to do anything except for wander around and catch them all day. The productivity of this entire country is going to fall apart. Well, maybe you can assert your mind instead of asserting your mouth, Caleb, and know that we have to. Babs, last time I asserted my mouth, you didn't have a problem with it.
Now we're in Sorkin land. Now we're Sorkin-ing. Yeah, but that was before the war. Caleb mutters to himself, that damn war took everything from me. And we managed to make it out of the war with the secretary of the interior position. Babs was first to herself, wish I was still fighting it.
All right. That's enough. I've decided I've looked deep into my soul and into the soul of America, which I became quite familiar with as a combat veteran Navy SEAL. Who invented Google Books? After working at Google Books, I became a Navy SEAL, and I decided... Like Adam Driver. The best thing we could do is round up the Pokemon and put them into a park in another country. I hug the president.
Thank you, sir. I mean, good decision, sir. So it sounds like you've sort of reached as much debate as you probably do with the information that you have. So if you want to, even though we're only 13 minutes in, we could just jump to the 20 minute. I mean, we could just try to be funny for seven minutes. You want to vamp for seven full minutes? Me being funny? I don't need seven minutes. Only need five, hot shot. Freddie, I'm going to need you on all the morning shows to pitch the zoo to the American people. You got a blue tie or red tie? Damn you, man. Gray tie. You know how this works. I'm sorry, sir. Babs. Yes, sir. I'm going to need you and the Joint Chiefs to present...
A mission briefing strategy as to how we're going to capture the Pokemon alive. And not alive like you did with those civilians back in the war. Whoa. Whoa, is Babs a war criminal? Yeah, that's right. I read the files when I became president. Oh, we didn't know you could read. Sorry. I mean, yes, sir, Mr. President. Caleb. Yes. In the tradition of your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather. And I like to see myself as a sort of Lincoln-esque...
Seeing as I also was a father to 12 children like Lincoln. I, William Campos. You're going to be my most trusted advisor on this. You're going to be my go-to guy. This is your project. The second in succession. So I need you to come up with a name for the Pokemon park.
All right, people, we've got a lot to do for a really amazing and wonderful country that also has dark secrets and tragic things that have happened that we also need to grapple with with clear eyes and purpose in our hearts. Now let's get to it. Watch out, Caleb. Just like Lincoln, he likes the theater. We're at 15 minutes now. Let's just say the news is five minutes early. Five minutes early. What is this, my ex-husband?
This is DNM, your voice on the pulse of what things people want. And it turns out, it turns out after doing a Twitter poll with all of America, there's only four options they're actually comfortable with when dealing with these so-called pocket monsters. What's a Twitter poll? They're either okay with classifying them as pets, number one,
Number two, classifying them as legalized fighters that we can tax and go watch. Number three, making them full citizens. Or number four, wiping them out entirely. This comes from just the information that you've already had. No new stuff has really happened in the crisis yet. That'll probably happen in 40 minutes. But right around now, that's what the American people are feeling. It's got to be one of those four options and no others.
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All right, everyone, I've called this our second cabinet meeting about the Pokemon crisis. It appears that the American citizens do not want to round them up and put them into a big park in another country. Although I am still curious as to hear what the name of that park was going to be. I'm sorry, sir. We spent a lot of money on the sign and we did have a elite force kind of spreading propaganda in Puerto Rico to try to get them to vote. You do know that Puerto Rico is part of our country. Yeah, I've realized that. But anyways, it
It was a pretty good name. We got a bunch of people on it. It's Pokemon Sea Island, but it's S-E-E. Like you see the Pokemon, but you might think they mean sea like S-E-A.
It's a Pokemon Sea Island. Damn, that sounds great. Right? That was pretty good. I'm sure the American people would have loved it. But it seems like we've got one of four options. We can either make them pets, we can train them to fight each other for our amusement, we can give them full rights as citizens, or we can wipe them off the face of the earth. Mr. President, when we all voted you into office, we checked a box, did we not? Checked a box saying, yes, I, Babs Jetson, am voting you.
For President Will Campos. It sounds great every time I hear it. You know how many sides that box had? You know how many corners that box had? Four.
We should pick option four and annihilate them all. A compelling point, Babs. These Pokemon have already injured an orphaned one citizen. Who's to say that this isn't going to continue? Huh? It's one today. How many by the end of your term? This is going to be a red mark on this administration for as long as you live. It's better safe than sorry. I say we take option four and wipe them out. Two votes in front of option four.
I pull out a Pokedex I had my intern print out for me. I got this off GameFAQs. The most dog-looking Pokemon there are. I go, sir, I can't help but remember you have a beautiful dog named Roscoe. Yes. You love dogs, don't you? I do. Almost as much and even more than I love America.
Have you seen these Pokemon? They look a lot like dogs. Now, you wouldn't say that we should kill all dogs just because a few pit bulls have caused the problems? No, I ran on that exact kill all dogs message in my first race and I got slaughtered by the competition. That was when I learned that loving dogs is a great look for a politico like myself. All I'm saying is that so far there's no evidence that these creatures are any more deadly than the average pit bull. And I think they make beautiful, wonderful pets. I mean, frankly, some of them are just even cuter than dogs. And they talk. It's like you don't have to train them. I just think they're great. I think people should have them as pets.
and then we can open up more parks, Pokemon parks, dog parks, Pokemon parks. We're back to the park idea, I see. A lot of parks. So you think that the pets could be the first step to the parks? Yes. So we're back on the parks. Well, I mean, that's kind of my thing, sir. Hmm. Interesting. Interesting. I have to admit, people, so far, the Secretary of the Interior is making the most compelling point, but I'm going to give you all another chance to speak. So each of your phones starts to vibrate, like that scene in The Siege where everybody's phone starts vibrating because there's been an attack? Yeah.
And all of you check Twitter and you see that DNN. That's why my phone vibrates. It's because Twitter. Breaking tweets. We got some breaking tweets here, guys. We've got some trending. Sorry, sir. I set my phone to vibrate on various trending topics, including sports figures who I follow and some celebrities as well. This may be one of those. That's a good way to do it. I have my phone vibrate every hour so I can check the latest hour of tweets.
So it's been one hour exactly, so let me check through the hour of tweets, if you don't mind. Guys, looks like my Taylor Swift parody tweet has really taken off. I might need to take off the rest of the day and handle this virally. Sir, I'm killing it right now on weird Twitter. I've created a couple of novelty accounts to try and retweet and create memes using the new department of memes here, and these things are really taking off. The likes are great. Interesting. This weird Twitter seems like it could be an asset to our administration.
So DMN posts a video and you see the daddy master on the news saying, breaking news. We've just found new camera footage of the fire that took that mother's life and put her daughter in the hospital. Let's go to it now. This may be a little disturbing.
And you see basically some grainy cell phone footage of the little girl playing with her Charmander. They're hugging each other and everything's really cute. And in the background, in really bad resolution, you can see the mom pouring gasoline on the house. And she like lights a match. And then the video cuts out. He goes, it's not worth seeing anything more than beyond that. But we can now confirm...
pretty definitively that the mother was the one who started the fire and the Charmander to some extent probably managed to get the girl out. So this is changing all kinds of opinions about Pokemon. Unfortunately, that information coming out now has not been enough to stop a wave of anti-Pokemon sentiment from sweeping across America. People are hitting Pokemon with sticks. Pokemon are defending themselves. The body count is sadly at least at double digits and at most at double digits.
So things are getting a little bit rowdy. That's where people stand with Pokemon now. This just reinforces what I've been saying this entire administration, Mr. President. The problem with this country is single moms. For once, you and I are in complete agreement. I text one of my aides to short Petco stock as hard and as fast as possible. This is quite close.
My God, this certainly adds a new dynamic into the race. You know, on the one hand, it seems like Pokemon are kind, gentle creatures. Yet on the other, it seems like I could ride this wave of virulent anti-Pokemon sentiment to election by capturing that enthusiasm by declaring a war on the Pokemon. Listen, Mr. President, t'was beauty that killed the beast. But if we don't act soon, not every mother is going to be able to kill a Pokemon and get our message out.
Sort of lost that one halfway through there, Babs. Yeah, at least not at the very beginning. Veep. Babs, I know why you lost that sentence. You haven't known anything about me since six months ago. Babs, don't you remember what day it is? What? Dave. It's the day of his death, your ex-husband. Oh. I think about it every day, too. It's a rough morning for me, too. We need to kill some Pokemon. Ha ha ha ha!
For Dave. I think that's what Dave would have wanted. This is what Dave would have wanted. I mean, he was mauled to death by his underground cockfighting ring. He was mauled to death by his single mom. So I think we should. Yes. And ever since the invoking of Dave's law in my first month of office, that's why cockfighting with single mothers has been banned in this country. Finally, once and for all. And people are all for that.
We need to go as hard against Pokemon as you did against cockfighting. You need to go hard cock, hard Pokemon. If we can make sure that the weapons we use are rather environmentally friendly and we don't destroy national parks, I think I'm pretty good with killing all the Pokemon. I'm hearing three votes in favor of wiping Pokemon off the face of the earth. Is that what I'm hearing? Wait, who was the third vote? Is that what Freddie said? It's what Dave said. We still have a seat at this table for Dave, Secretary of Fun.
He was the fun secretary who made this country fun and things haven't been fun since he died in the war. In America, everybody is counted, even when they're not here, even when they wouldn't have voted for what you want to vote for. Some people are counted twice and that helped us in the primary. Am I right? Oh, Dave.
So, Freddy, I've got two green lights for wiping Pokemon off the face of the earth. I said the military options. Shit. Well, Mr. President, your entire cabinet, all three of us, I don't know where the rest of the cabinet is today. Where are we dropping, boys? As someone who won three Nobel Peace Prizes...
I feel like it is my duty as the divinely chosen leader of the free world, anointed by God, who spoke to me and told me to run for president back when I was running Google Book. I've decided that I'm going to listen to my most trusted advisors, all three of you, and together we will wipe the Pokemon scourge off the face of the earth. Okay, so...
Even in a game where I have nothing to do as DM, you still somehow managed to contravene my plans. So, like, within the next...
God, in 11 minutes, I was supposed to have the news come up and have like all of you feel a wave of psychic energy travel through your heads and you hear the voice that sounds a lot like Bill Nye saying, This is Mewtwo. I am the leader of the Pokemon and we demand full civil rights. If you wish to wage war on us, you will be waging a war against yourselves because some of us don't just have powers of fire and water and earth and other such things, but the power of the mind.
And you will know our power should you raise a hand against us. I'm going to raise a hand and ask a question there, Mewtwo. Yes, what is this? Why are you entitled to getting full human civil rights when one of us here just didn't have that until, you know, a few decades ago? That sounds like a Mew problem. That sounds like a Mew problem.
I await your decision, Mr. President. That turned into the G-Man. So wait, really quick, just gameplay-wise. So did we make that decision? So gameplay-wise, basically at the end of 60 minutes, it's supposed to be the president makes the decision. The game does not say what to do if every single person agrees on the exact same decision and there's no debate whatsoever. Now there's a complication because we've seen the awesome power of the Pokemon.
It says the president should probably choose or he can choose his own thing. Yeah. If the president wants to be a dick, they can choose their own thing. But generally they go with what the group agrees with. But they didn't say like, hey, 14 minutes into this 60 minute game, everybody agrees to nuke all the puppies. Well, we've got a good reversal here, though. So this is a good. Yeah. OK. My God.
I mean, a lot of people have entered me, but nobody read my mind.
It's over! Beth won the episode! No. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't know if I can commit to this course of action. To declare war on divine beings would be a crusade against God and faith itself. As a religious man and a Rhodes Scholar, I just must oppose this. And religion without war doesn't mean tax-deductible churches, my dude.
I had a really good one, but then I... Religion without war is like marriage without sex. There you go. There you go, Prez. It's what's expected. Listen, I'm not necessarily opposed to citizenship so long as we can increase the tax revenue on these Pokemon. Maybe we can turn these into productive members of our society. A lot of them appear to be beasts of burden.
I say this. I say we grant them their request, but also we, like, tax them hella hard so we can get mad tax revenue. By the way, I'm definitely, like, the Kellyanne Conway of this group, and I definitely just leaked straight to Maggie Haberman that the vice president called the Pokemon beasts a burden. It's like, is the VP a racist? Your brains are immediately filled with Mewtwo going, burden, are we? I will show you. Ah, dang, man. Mewtwo kills Freddy. Man. God.
we got a leak in here. Hey, Mr. President, what were the other three options? So our options were to grant them the rights that they so desperately crave. Obviously not. Well, why not? That seems like a good thing to do.
There's probably a lot more similarity between that and conversations happening right now than we would like to admit. Where are the other ones? To make them pets and to make them fight against each other further. Damn, man, don't you have staff to take notes? You should be briefing me on what's going on, not the other way around. Why would you bring up my staff member Dave on the day of his death?
It's remarkably insensitive, sir. I would like to propose a little quid pro quo. Quid pro quo, Mewtwo. Go ahead. But you're speaking to me, not Mewtwo, I think. Mewtwo, are you still in my head? Sorry, Mr. President. Sometimes I just speak lyrically for some reason. It's almost like I'm compelled to rhyme, but at the last second I say something that doesn't rhyme. Okay.
So I propose that we grant these Pokemon their full rights, et cetera, et cetera. But we force them to enlist in the military, therefore empowering us.
our defense squadrons. That's what they're called. We have a few. The four squadrons of the military, the Navy, the Army, the Air Force, and whatever the fourth one is. Punch boys. The Pokemon. And the Pokemons are going to be the new. And the Pokemon Corps. Ladies and gentlemen, if you thought Army versus Navy was exciting, just wait. My God, the calendars will be sexy as hell. Can we just meet in the middle? I think we all wanted to kill them originally.
They want rights. I think pets is like the middle ground between those two things, like being killed and having full rights as a human being, being our pets. And like, we all need new pets. Sir, are you familiar with the concept of the French Foreign Legion? The French Foreign Legion, I'm familiar, but let's pretend for the sake of argument that I'm not. I want to know if you know what the French Foreign Legion is, Freddie.
I turn and sort of also be half addressing the room. Well, the way that the French figured it was they take any and all comer so long as you spoke French and you could gain citizenship. Doesn't matter where you came from. Doesn't matter what you did in your life so long as you serve with the Foreign Legion for a certain amount of time.
I think we can do the same thing with these Pokemon. The fact that they got psychic powers, that's beyond anything that we've ever seen and our scientists have ever encountered before. This could be a powerful weapon, a jewel in America's cap. I say we create a Pokemon Foreign Legion. If these Pokemon want rights, they can do so after several years of servitude to our military. Honor and fidelity. That's the slogan of the French Foreign Legion, which only I knew because I knew what the French Foreign Legion was at the start of this conversation. Ha ha ha!
I felt like I was on the same side of Babs, but look, do you know how much money we spend on the Department of Interior in this country? Too much. How much do we spend on the Department of the Interior? $11.7 billion. That costs less than the last carrier that frickin' Babs got over there.
We don't need more Pokemon to be in the military. What are you talking about? We spend more on the military than we do on our pets. We need more carriers for the Pokemon. I text my A's and I write, wait, wait, wait, buy back the Petco stock. Babs is on to something. We could use carriers, small individual spherical carriers for each of the Pokemon to be deployed tactically at a moment's notice. I'm getting ahead of myself again. Something like a Pokey Grenade. A Pokey Grenade, a Pokey Orb, a Pokey...
Something. We'll figure it out. We'll get the boys and communications on it. All right, everyone. I'm feeling flustered and morally convicted about my convictions and my religious beliefs.
And then I pull out a cigarette and light it up. That just means you're a human, Mr. President. I need the room alone for a second. I clear out and I say to Caleb on the way out, like, hey, golf tomorrow? Yeah. I stroll up to the president and take his cigarette out of his mouth, smoke a drag, put it back in his mouth. And then I walk out and like breezily and sexily sing Proud to be an American. Yeah.
Yeah, if they ever find out that half of the interior budget is spent on municipal golf courses, I'll probably lose this job. So might as well golf while we can, buddy. As my staff commiserates outside the Oval Office, I cast my eyes eyeward. How did he do that? I cast my eyes eyeward. It's a secret meditation technique only presidents know to commune with the Lord. Oh.
Amen.
The circle on the Oval Office rug begins to light up with fire and flame. A pentagram appears in the middle. I'm fine. I was just saying the Lord's Prayer. It was an intimate moment, you know? It's almost like a cool reference to a scene from the West Wing. And then I put the cigarette out and I say, fuck it. We're doing the Pokemon Corps. And I say, I'd like an audience with Mew... Mewtwo. Yeah, I'm here. Okay. What do you wish of Mewtwo? We have a deal to work out.
In exchange for full citizens' rights, each Pokemon will serve a period of no less than four years in the Pokemon Corps, which is devoted to American ideals and traditions.
and truth and justice and the ways of Americans and a global hegemony run by me. We conquer Puerto Rico, sir. We have Puerto Rico. For the love of God, Puerto Rico is a country and so is Montana. I don't know why you don't know Montana as part of our country. You're the secretary of the interior, damn you. Some music responds within your mind and just yours, I guess.
Would you make a foreign legion solely of people with brown hair or a foreign legion solely of people with a certain belief? If you were to make us citizens and to make us fight your wars for you, then you must make sure that every American must also fight in these wars. For when we ask for citizenship, that is to be treated the same as any other citizen. And separate is not...
Equal. You must give us a different... You're gonna do this whole fucking thing? Then either don't make us fight your wars or make everybody fight your wars. We want full equality with your citizens.
No deal. I want the same thing as you, Mewtwo. I want full equality for Pokemon as well. And I believe deep in my heart that that is the right thing to do. But let me tell you about the most American of values called incrementalism. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
The Grand Canyon, our most mighty of canyons, was not formed in a day. It took years and years and years of long, pointless, tedious, meaningless progress before it became a resource that the country could exploit to its fullest. You wish to exploit us. I'm just saying that the wheels of democracy turn very, very slowly and very often in the wrong direction, but sometimes then they go in the right direction.
for a couple of years, and they swerve into the wrong direction again. And that is my promise to you, the Pokemon, that eventually things might get better or then they will get worse sometimes. But in the end, we are Americans. That's a great sell there.
Slow clap starts. As you can see by the slow clap from my staff, this is a very good and important speech I'm making. Sir, just tell them it's either that or they're going to be pets. Those are the two options. Play hardball, sir. You came to me and said, while I was chopping wood, and I said I was done since the war, and you said... Are you a hitman?
You said I need you in the Department of Interior, the most important of all the cabinets. I just said that to get you to stop chopping down our national forest. And I said, sir, the only reason I'll do it is because the only thing I love watching more than baseball is you playing hardball. So goddamn, I want to see you play hardball.
As you're all making this discussion, you hear a knock on the door and your assistant, I guess, opens the door. Making this discussion is what I call sex. There's a knock on the door and your assistant opens the door and goes, Mr. President, your daughter's here to see you. My daughter. Send her in at once. And a small girl, she's like 16. Yeah, she's 16. And she goes, Dad, I know you've been having a lot of really, really difficult conversations about all this stuff, but I just, while that's going on, I just, I didn't want to lose the opportunity to introduce you to
my boyfriend. And then the door opens wider and you see Mew standing there wearing a suit with a bow tie. Floating there, right? Floating. Yeah, he's floating. Sorry, Mew's floating there with a bow tie. Your daughter has like a corsage on her hand or whatever. It's prom. Mew's taking her to prom. Yeah, Mew's taking her to prom. And I guess we cut to commercial. Mr. President, I'm really happy for your daughter. Really happy that she's found somebody that she loves. Well,
Maybe she'll use this to sort of sway your mind. Say like, oh, hey, if my daughter loves this Mew person, then maybe all Pokemon are good. And maybe we should give them rights and not have them fight our wars or whatever. But let me remind you that your daughter is 16 years old. And you know what I was doing at 16? I was in love, too, with a man named Randy who left me at a donut shop in
the donut. It was Randy's donut. It was his donut shop. He clearly did very well for himself. He was right to dump you. He said, someday I'm going to own this donut shop and I didn't listen. It just needs to be called donut. There was no name associated with it.
Wait, wait, your daughter is 16? Yes. Well, depending on, I remember I have 11, 12 children, but she's my one daughter. The rest are boys. It's, you know. My eyes look over the distance and I flash back to 16 years and nine months ago when I was on leave. And I go, 16. And I remember the now first lady coming to me upset that she thought the President of the United States, her husband, had died in the war.
And that one cold, lovely night. And I shake it off. I go, oh. Anyways, I forgot she was 16. Did I just miss her birthday? I should probably get her a present. So the president's daughter goes, oh, sorry. I was just drinking some milk. Oh.
Does anybody want any milk and cookies? Wait, say that again. Milk and cookies? Anybody? Why do you say milk like that? Why do you say, damn, now you've got me doing it. 12 years of speech classes and you still say milk. All I want to ask is, in relation to me and my boyfriend, do you think it will work? LAUGHTER
Babsley is the president's daughter. And then she flashbacks to 16 years and no months ago when she gave a baby up for adoption. My husband, my husband, David just died. There was only one man who...
Honey, I mean, what's your daughter's name? Her name is Amy. Your daughter says, wow, dad, are you the U.S. government? Because I think we need to separate these powers. Oh, my God. Don't be hard on your dad. Some dads don't even know they have children. They're just trying really hard.
Don't be so hard on your dad. Anyways, I think you two should just have a good night at prom and I give her $20 and I walk away awkwardly. $20, huh? She leaves saying, that's how I want to go. Well, this has been a shocking turn of events. Whenever you want to, you can make a final decision on what happens and we will end and we will tally up the scores. Before I make my final decision, I need you all to leave the room so I can consult one last person. Is it going to be God again? It's not going to be God again. Okay.
Can we just listen? We all kind of have a bet on what you're doing here when you ask us to leave. We'd really like to see it. Then here's what we shall do. We're going to call on Dave. And I take some candles down and I set them in the middle of the big table in the Oval Office. And I say, you all know how it works. We all hold hands and we say, Dave, Dave, tell us what to do. Come and save us, Dave.
And then Dave speaks through our voices one word at a time in a circle and defines his judgment. And just to make sure things are fair, I'll turn on the TV and tap the TV so that Bill Maher can say one of the words too. Now I remember why we all hated Dave so much. All right. And I dim the lights and we all sit down and hold hands and Freddie and I touch the TV and Bill Maher on the TV looks around and goes, and then his eyes rolled back in his head. The moment I grab Ab's hand, I kind of get like a little shiver. I look at him and he's like...
This brings me back, doesn't it? Why am I asking you if this brings me back? I don't know. I don't know.
Doesn't this bring me back? Okay, and I flick the lights seven times and I say... We're supposed to be speaking with Dave, but for some reason, Caleb, I only want to talk to you. I know the feeling. That's who the only person I want to talk to, too. Save some room for Dave's spirit, you two. Damn. I say, Dave, Dave, tell us what to do. Dave, Dave, you know what to do. Dave, Dave. Scooby-dooby-doo. Scooby-dooby-doo. I flash back to...
You flashback to what, man? I flashback to 16 years and nine months ago when the first lady politely rejects me and then Babs comes wandering in drunk. And then we flash forwarded nine months later. I go, you gave our child up to adoption? Who took it?
And she goes, we'll never know. And we blast to the hospital. Daughter opens the door really quickly and goes, I wrote a play. Does anyone want to read my play while you drink some milk? I say, damn it, Caleb. I gave her up. Nobody takes anything from me. Damn it, that's why I always loved you. Okay. Dave, Dave, what were we saying? Dave, Dave, save me and you. And then we all close our eyes. Hey. Me. It's the best friend slash lover that Babs and the president have ever had.
Let the record state that I said the F word. So you must kill all hope in America. But not for any good reason.
And suddenly the lights explode and we're plunged into darkness.
Sure, Dave wasn't much of a help at all. I forgot that Dave went to a very dark place right before he died. If I remember correctly, he was suspecting that Babs and Caleb had feelings for each other. He never knew. Something to do about him not being able to conceive a child. I don't know what, though. I don't know what it has to do with my daughter. If he was in such a dark place, then doesn't that make sense he was still in the dark? That's true. That's a very good point.
You must kill all hope. So Dave is for killing all hope in America for no reason. The rest of you seem to be in favor of dragooning the Pokemon into a military service, which was not one of the options presented to us. I said they should be pets.
That sounds like pets. That's the closest we got. That's pets. That sounds like pets. That's like a combination of options one and two because it's pets that are fighters. They're pet fighters. Mr. President, Mr. President, when Dave was alive, I didn't share my soul with him. You know, there's an old story that I heard once that somebody told me that was about lovers. And then at the end of the story, something weird happens. And then I think that that applies to this situation. I should have respected him more in life. But now...
He's dead, and we should still do hopeless things.
Sir. So the military option is what you're saying. The military. Yes. So you want to wipe out the Pokemon. Yes. The time is now. The president must make the decision. What is it going to be? I have four buttons on my desk that are all weirdly specific. It's a good thing these were pre-installed. Say A, B, C, and D. All decisions eventually get to you in A, B, C, or D option. Just like who wants to be a millionaire. Freddie, my closest friend and longtime business partner. The only person to know that this entire time I've been
secretly battling a life-threatening scurvy disease and illness. Did you not get the gift basket? We've been sending gift baskets. There's oranges in them. Just have the oranges for God's sake. Oranges can't help me now. I have my scurvy is too far gone. That's no, that's all the doctors. I'm not into your homeopathic remedies. I believe in science, man. Do not let scurvy control you. Mr. Mr.
Mr. President, will you read out the options A, B, C, and D? Option A, turn them into pets. Option B, turn them into fighters. Option C, make them full citizens. Or option D, kill them all. Mr. President, I think that you should make like your GPA and pick D. I feel like I kind of walked into that joke.
Dave wants me to wipe out all hope. And Dave, you know, starts with D, which is a weird position for the secretary of fun to have. Secretary of fun really lost his way. Sort of an ironic appointment if you think about it. He was also my intern. That's just what we called him to make him feel important. That's maybe why he had such a dim view of the world. It gives me no pleasure to say this, but I believe the only way to wipe out all hope in America is to make the Pokemon fly.
"False citizens of the United States." No! And I slam the false citizens button, and I say, "The only thing America hates more than itself is other people that are equal to itself." And with yet another group of citizens in America, this country shall tear itself to shreds. We have proven so many times over and over again that our differences cannot be overcome by coming together as Americans.
We all hate each other, and I feel like the Pokemon will kind of spice that up and speed that along. Mr. President, we have a letter here from an eighth grader.
All right. So that's good. Time to tally up the scores. So I'm going to go through every possible agenda. And then if it's on your sheet, in Freddie's case, you get a point for your correct assertion. Yes. Everybody else, you're just going to tally up plus or minus values, depending on whether I say up, down or nil. So conservation goes up. If you had conservation, give yourself a point. Development goes up. Military goes down. Minus one if you have military.
Voter satisfaction goes down. Health is not affected. Centrism goes down. A balanced budget goes down. International prestige goes up. And tax revenue goes up. So now, what are everyone's final scores? I am at plus three. I'm zero. I'm at plus three as well. A tie. Shit. Who casts the tie vote? The vice president? Mr. President. I think so. The president chooses who wins. Hmm, my old... You know what? Yeah, do a scene together, the three of you. Ha ha ha!
It's all of us smoking scotch and smoking scotch. We're all freebasing scotch and eating cigars. Now that Babs is gone, let's let our hair down. Let's talk like that. The camera pans to a trash can next to them, which has one of my stilettos. The plantar fasciitis pad in the heel is on fire. It's lighting the entire office on fire while they're outside smoking. We all die.
I had conservation and development and international prestige, but then I also had military, so minus one on that. So I had military, conservation, international prestige, and taxes because that's built into me. Do you guys all talk about your special interests as if they're points that sway all of your decisions? Because that's how I like to think about it.
Yeah, it makes things a lot easier and clears it up. Gamifies it in a nice, clean, simple way. So who does the president want to win? Well, the president has decided at the end of the day, America's the real winner, so you're both winners. Ha ha ha ha ha. And then I chug my scotch and I jump off the roof of the White House. And I fly away because I was a ditto the whole time. And I turn into Butterfree. And I fly away. We all start crying because you fly away and you're Butterfree. Four more years. Four more years.
Guys, I'm just hoping that November 3rd will go just like this. I would love that.
So that's kind of executive decision. We mess with the rules a lot as we tend to, but I don't know. If you enjoy it, you can find it, I think, on DriveThruRPG. Wait, is it November 3rd or November 4th? 3rd. 3rd, yeah. We don't want to give anybody the wrong information. Oh, jeez. Go vote on November. Yeah, like literally go vote. Go vote now. This is my serious Beth voice. Go vote. Please go vote. Voting time, everybody. And vote for, you know. Yeah, I mean...
And vote them. You know. Vote good. Not everything has to be a really difficult decision. Some things are not so difficult. Yeah. Vote good. Yeah. Get yourself to the polls. Thank you to headcount.org for getting these folks registered. And thank you to Greg Stoltz for his game executive decision. We'll see everybody later. Bye. This is your president saying good night and God bless Poke America. That's what we're calling it now. That sounds like a you problem.
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