Christmas 2020 - Gifts of the Dad Guys
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Basically, all the good stuff. That was a, my dad wrote a porno reference. Anyways, content warnings can be found in the episode description. Twas the night before Christmas, but you didn't know that at the time because you were in the Fey Roam. Well, now I want to make it rhyme. I just did. Oh, shit. Oh.

So the ramming has stopped now. You're in Faerun, back on Earth. Maybe it's Christmas, maybe it's not. Time is weird like that. But as you were on your way to an adventure with Paedon, let's say as you were on the way to Oakvale, you stopped and camped for the night and built a little fire. That's the sound of our entire timeline exploding when Anthony drops that.

Or maybe it's some other time. Who knows? How about a wizard named Saint Nick takes us out of our timeline so we can have this scene and then he throws us back into this scene. Okay, so here's what happens. You go into an inn and Peyton is like, one of you has underwear that's got a little Santa on it or something like that just because you mispacked or whatever. The other one is pregnant with God's baby and there's no room at the inn. Oh, no.

Yes. There's no room in the inn, so you go to the stables. This is it. Yes, we're all trying to stay at an inn, and there's no room, so we have to take Peyton, and we're all going to go sleep in the barn instead. And then you hear a clatter on the roof. Which one of you guys had to see what's on the roof? Gosh, what's that sound on the roof? One sec, gang. I'm going to go see what that is. Don't open the door. It's cold outside. You can go as long as you don't open the door. Don't let the cold air in. Okay. You know, it's just they were very rude to us in the inn, and they made us sleep out here. I just feel like that was...

And they didn't discount the rate at all. They didn't discount the rate. They still took our money. I'm going to see who it is. They called me a virgin hoe. I open the door. I say, who goes there? So from above you hear, whoa! And then a large man in a red suit falls off of the roof of the stable and hits the ground. And there's a horrible crack at his neck. It snaps 180 degrees. And he is dead. Oh, oh no! Henry, you never listened to me. Look what you, a man died. Because you wouldn't listen. I opened the door.

Where was he? I don't even understand how me opening a door killed a guy. That's crazy. Can we sort of set aside the dead man outside for tonight and maybe just stay in here and sort of share what we like about each other and maybe give gifts or something? Yeah, that's a good idea. I closed the door. I said, guys, let's just pretend that didn't happen. Let's just... I got some gifts. We're on the same wavelength here. I got some gifts.

I thought we should just have a nice evening. We are so inured to just death in this world that like the straight up- While you guys are talking, you don't hear this, but outside the body deflates and a little pixie comes out and goes, I'm finally about to give three wishes to the person who killed my captor. Oh, no one's here, I guess. Oh, wait! She disappears into the night.

And this wish can really undo anything, like being permanently sentenced to prison or your kid being given to somebody else. It's one of those kind of wishes that breaks all the rules. Oh, well, goodbye.

Ron, it's pretty crazy that you're thinking about giving presents. Maybe you want to go first and see what we're thinking about it? Whoa, do you guys all get gifts for each other? Oh, that's so weird. I got gifts for all you guys. I don't know. It's just the snow outside. It feels like it's been really chilly lately. I've just been kind of in the holiday spirit, you know? A festive mood, you know? What holiday? What holiday are we talking about? It's Christmas. Well, almost. Christ's birthday. Who's Chris? Why is he a mess?

Matt coming with the pure flex energy. Yeah.

Well, technically, it's the evening before the birthday, so we don't have to get into it. It's just a day that we celebrate because it's the longest night of winter. It's cold. We give each other gifts. We're thankful for everybody around here. It's just a nice holiday. Everybody's got Christmas solstice of sorts, right? You got one. I think it was the 22nd that was the longest night of the year. Yeah, it's almost like the day was co-opted by forces in history and that our common conception of it has been shaped by consumer culture to begin with. I like to think

that, you know, there's a whole lot of folklore out there and there's a whole lot of folklore back where we come from and like, we all like to celebrate passages of the seasons and there's a lot of... There's even some evermore too. There's evermore folklore and like, there's a lot of religions on earth. Are you saying, are you calling it folklore?

Oh, boy. No, keep going. I'm just really curious what you're telling Peyton. Back where we come from, Peyton, there's a lot of different religions on Earth and a lot of different cultures that celebrate various customs that all tend to be kind of at the end of the year. Like it's a special time of year for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons. And so in our culture, we call it the holidays. And, you know, people have different holidays. They celebrate one of which is Christmas. There's also Kwanzaa. There's Ramadan. There's Hanukkah. There's a whole bunch of them.

Honda days. Happy Honda days. You can get a great deal on a new car. Oh, sorry, Daryl. I'm sorry. You know, this being the first year without these, this is a tough Honda days for all of us. It's a tough Honda days this year. One thing, you know, that we all do is kind of to express our gratitude and look forward to the new year. We kind of give gifts to each other. And it's funny because I've been preparing some gifts for you guys. And it sounds like y'all have some gifts that you want to share as well. Oh, shit. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. And Peyton runs out. Oh, Peyton, you don't have to say anything. I don't want to be a dick. I don't want to be that guy. I'll be back.

Okay, well, we should really wait for Peyton to get back before we exchange the gifts. Okay, I'm up here. I'm back. I came back. I got it. I got it. I got my gifts.

Guys, we should wait for the tree to appear. Sorry, I don't think I know that one, Ron. How do you celebrate the holidays? Okay, so you go to bed, and then you wake up, and there's a little tree, and then it's got some ornaments on it, and then there are boxes in front of the tree, and then the next day it's all gone. Well...

I've heard of that tradition myself, Ron. Why don't you take a 30-second micro nap and we'll see what happens on the other side. And I wink to all the other dads. Okay. So when Ron closes his eyes, I'm like, guys, watch this. It's going to be really cool. And then I cast grow plant or whatever it's called. I can't remember it off my character sheet up. It's a bonus episode. Got me some fucking slack. Glenn goes, you could have been growing plants this whole time. Glenn, shh, shh.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. And I go, Razamataz, and a little tiny Christmas tree pops up in the ground. It's like, okay, guys, put your presents under the tree, and, like, Ronald, wake up. It'll be, like, a happy holiday moment for him. Okay. Okay. I put my presents underneath the tree, and then I instantly fall asleep, too. Like, pretend to fall asleep underneath the tree. Okay, okay, yeah, that's good, that's good. And I put my stuff under the tree, and then I go...

Oh, what a good microdap to boost my productivity during the day. Oh, jeez. Good life hack. Good life hack. Good life hacks. Good life hacks. Ron, what's this? Wake up, Ron. Look, it's a holiday miracle. Oh, my goodness. Merry Christmas, everyone. Wow. I can't believe it. There's a rumor going around that Santa wasn't real for a while, but now we know who's the joke now. The...

Not me. It's all those guys in high school. Yeah. Well, Ron, all of our presents are under the tree. Maybe you want to start and hand us, you know, I don't know where your presents are, but you want to hand them out and then we'll just all take turns. Okay. So, Daryl, I'll give you your gift. And here. Oh, what a huge box. It is. It's a huge box. Oh, my God. It's a magic beam. It'll teleport us home.

Peyton immediately eats it. Wow, Ron, could you describe the size and shape of this package you just gave me? Yeah, okay, so it's a cylindrical sort of thing that's hollow in the middle like a toilet paper roll, except...

On this roll, there's a... I've already opened it, like halfway through. I'm just like, the moment you've handed me, I've already ripped it open. Well, it's just wrapping paper, so... Oh, hey, I'm usually so careful to open it. So what you do, this is a cool gift because it's like a game. So you put it around a box and then you give that box to one of your parents. Oh, my God.

Wow. Wow, that's a really neat gift, Ron. Gosh. Yeah, I appreciate it. Peyton's immediately holding his arms out like, well, then, in that case, one of your parents is right here. Give me, give me, give me, give me. Oh, me? Yeah, I got you a present. Don't worry, Peyton. Okay, so. I just want that one, too. Henry. Yeah, Ron? I'd like to give you this gift to describe it. It's like a cylinder, like a sort of, it's like a roll, like a toilet paper roll.

Oh, wow. Outside, it's got like trees and stuff on it. So you like trees. I love trees, Ron. This is a great, it's sort of like a puzzle too because what you're going to do is you're going to take the paper and then put it around a box and then

Give it to somebody. Wow, cool. It's like a neat 3D puzzle slash box decorator. You know what? I love it, Ron. Thank you so much. Yeah, of course. And so, Glenn, I got you something. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like a tube of something. And then you wrap it around...

It's paper. You wrap it around a box and then you give it. Oh, rolling papers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you roll it around a box and then you give it to somebody. Okay, all right. I think I know exactly where you're going with this as Glenn proceeds to start rolling, testing the papers for rolling abilities. How well does this ignite?

Burn good? Well, I've never seen what happens to it after, but if you wait around, then somebody else gives you a mechanical pencil and a sweater. Oh.

Okay, well, I'm looking forward to that. Peyton starts passing around cups of cocoa. Hot cocoa. Hot cocoa. Hot cocoa for you. Oh, hot cocoa. Thank you. No problem. Sorry, continue. Where did you make this, Peyton? Oh, I got it from the inn. I'll take a sip. How's it taste? It tastes great. Henry pretends to sip, but waits for Glenn to sip. It tastes good. It tastes like hot chocolate. Sometimes nice things happen. It's a Christmas miracle. Thanks so much, Peyton.

Who wants to go next? I'd love to hand out my presents as I take finally my first sip of the cocoa and put it down. Let's see what's under the magic tree for some very good dads this year on a brave adventure to save their kids. Ron, since you started, I'll give my present to you. And I hand Ron an envelope. And I say, go ahead and open this one, Buster. Okay. And then I open the envelope.

So inside you find a piece of paper that says good for a free compliment. Anytime. Oh my God, Ron, you know, sometimes it feels like you get a little down on yourself or like maybe sometimes, you know, just seems like you have a tough time sometimes. So I want to let you know that anytime you need a little pick me up, you wave this compliment at me and I'll say something really nice and true about yours truly. And as you can see on the back,

That says quantity unlimited, pal. So use this thing anytime. Oh, wow. Thank you so much, Henry. This is better than those things they give out at the car wash or the donut shops. Yeah. You don't even have to get them stamped. It's not a coupon. It's a you-pon. Wow. So yeah, go ahead and give it a spin, Ron.

Try it out. You can use it whenever you want. So if you want a compliment right now, I could give you one or if you want one later, you know, but you do you. I don't want to, you know, you know, use it at your own your own leisure. I'm going to save this up for only when I really need it because it's there's only one. There's no unlimited. This episode is canon now. You got to use this item as a random point on the adventure. You're like, oh, no, this did happen.

While Ron was opening the present, Daryl was scounging under the tree looking for the present that had Daryl, and he grabbed his from you, and he was all excited. He was going to tear it open, but upon seeing what Henry gave Ron, he got a little less excited, and he was like, here, Glenn, why don't you open it next? Wait, wait, wait. I see Daryl's already got his hands on my present for him, so Daryl...

What can I say? You know, I feel like we've really bonded as dads, you know, over the course of this thing. And I really wanted to get you a gift that mattered. So this one is, this is from the heart buddy. Go ahead and open it up. So it's clearly in the shape of a beer bottle and you open it up and you see like a beer bottle with like a sort of smelly fermented brown liquid in it with like a cork in it. And I say, that's a home brew Henry Oak barrel specialty.

pal i've been picking leaves and hops and berries and i've been fermenting this bad boy so you know it probably still needs a little more time in the can like there's some mold in there and i have assumed that goes that must break down at some point in the process but yeah is this supposed to be beer or is this like something i don't know about this a beer it's a beer it's kind of like a half kombucha half beer all henry style

It's a la Henry. I open it and I smell it. Okay, what should he make? A saving throw? Constitution. Constitution. Constitution saving throw. Okay, I have good constitution. Oh no, I got a four, so that's an eight. That's not going to do it. I feel like you yarf like immediately. Unfortunately, Daryl died in a bonus episode.

I feel like, oh, oh, oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. It smells great. Henry, really? You did. Oh, I'm just going to save this for later. And I take a big sip of the cocoa. Okay. The cocoa. And I go, oh, this looks so good. I just, you know, I don't want to get too tipsy tonight.

Yeah. You know, I appreciate it. Cork that baby up because there's some stuff in there that could probably use a little bit more time to break down. That's all. OK, that will probably help it. I guess like a barley. Yeah. It's like it's got to take some time. Sure. Whatever that is. Yeah. But let's let it age. Mark that down in your inventory as you now. Is this an item I can use? You now have poison that can kill anything up to the size of a dog. Yes.

Henry got Daryl dog poison for Christmas. Great. Now, Glenn, buddy, I don't approve of all of your hobbies. Let's put it that way. But tis the season to give what people want. So here you go, buddy. And I hand you a present. And it's like wrapped in like a sort of paper, but there's clearly a Ziploc bag in there.

I kind of scooch it around a little bit and I open up. Oh, Henry, what'd you get me? It's a bunch of those flowers from what was the place we went to with those drug flowers? I don't remember the name of that place, but Henry, why would you do that? Waterdeep. All right. Can you believe I fucking remembered that? I remembered it's Waterdeep. Waterdeep. Thank you.

I cannot believe it. I'm on fire. So, Glenn, it's a bunch of those miscellaneous flowers. You know, like I found some stuck to my shoe and there was a whole bunch of them like kind of scattered around the Honda Odyssey before we lost it. Sorry again, Daryl. And so, you know, I scooped it up and I figured, you know, I can't remember exactly which one is which or what they all do, but you seem to have a pretty good time with this kind of stuff. So here you go, man. And you got rolling papers now to roll a nice doobie for yourself. You know, Henry just straight up gave us campaign items. I know. Yeah.

Hey, oh man. Thanks so much, man. I really appreciate it. You mind if I go next? Well, wait, wait, wait, Daryl. I had one more. I'm not done hogging the scene yet. I had one more present for our dad to be our honorary dad, our dad of dad, Peyton. Here you go, buddy. Oh, give me, give me, give me. It's a neat, safe looking rock.

I saw this rock and I thought paid in because it's nice and it's kind of round and it's got, you know, we don't have rocks like this on earth. So, you know, treasure it. I remember when I got my first rock and it really meant a lot to me. Kind of is what got me into rock. So from one rock guy to a rock star guy, you paid in. Here's a nice safe rock for you. Well, I'm certainly going to remember this forever too. Yeah.

I also like how... Hey, Henry, you know, Peyton's not from Earth, so this rock's pretty normal for him. Oh, shoot. You know, I always confuse him with Glenn's kids. Where did you get it? Did you have a receipt, baby? That's the

That's the best part of Mother Nature is she doesn't need receipts. It's a return policy. You know, whatever you take, just give back in your own way. Hey, Payton, I bet you could skip that rock pretty good. Give it back happily. Henry, my gift to you. I re-gift this most beautiful rock. I was just recently gifted by my friend Henry. I now gift to you. Oh, my gosh. It's so beautiful. And it's so beautiful that the only thing I could think to do is to give it to you, Payton.

It's a double gift. You know, you've demonstrated such selflessness that really you should have the rock. I insist. You're a kid. I'm an adult. I've seen lots of rocks. You really proved right now with your generosity that you earned this rock, buddy. I can't argue with that. Thanks.

Good job, Peyton. Good job saying thank you. Okay. I love it. I'll go next, guys. Okay. Do you want to go next, Daryl? I was going to go next. I kind of want to give presents last. I don't want to give last. I'm selfish. What can I say? I'm a big selfish boy. I like my Christmas presents. Here, Glenn, tell you what. I'll give you yours first. Okay. All right. All right. I hand Glenn clearly a bottle of beer wrapped in wrapping paper. Oh.

I tear it open and be like, is this one of the signatures? That's right. It's Santa's stout. And it's like he's pointing to his big stout belly. I hate that. Santa's stout. Where did you get this art? This art is incredible. This is cool looking. Yeah, I know. This is my first year doing a holiday brew. I hope it's pretty good. I just made like one six pack of it. But, you know, I had it in the car. You had it the whole time? I had it in the car because it was, well, yeah, it was sitting in my car. That's like kind of one of the only places I can like age it. You know, it's a good spot because the beast was at a perfect humidity and everything. I feel like

there are other ways you could have been helping us. I mean, these must have taken a while. Do we flash back to the moment that the Odyssey was heading into the void when you guys were trying to shoot your way out of the van and there's like a hidden insert that we didn't see before of Daryl reaching and grabbing a six pack of this Santa beer? He kept this.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is after that. Oh, yeah. You know, it was the only thing I thought that was worth saving for the van. I just really wanted to make sure I got your Christmas gifts. You know, I really wanted to. I didn't want to disappoint you. Well, that's very thoughtful, Daryl. Yeah. So, well, there you go, Glenn. Tell me how it tastes. And let's do Henry. Here you go. And I hand Henry also clearly a bottle of beer wrapped in wrapping paper. Henry, like, makes a big show out of shaking it, being like, I wonder what's in here. Just kidding. It's another beer.

their beer. This is great. I don't drink myself, but you know, I like looking at it and it'll always remind me of my gift of the Magi, my thoughtful friend, Daryl. Thanks, Daryl. I've got a pretty cool rock. I could trade for a beer.

Ron, and then I hand clearly a bottle of beer wrapped in wrapping paper, but I've wrapped it in the wrapping paper you just gave me. I quickly wrap it. I go, Ron, look, your present was so helpful. Look how great this surprise is. And I hand it to you. Wow. I've never gotten the unwrapping kind of gift.

So I'm going to unwrap this. It's a bottle. Yeah, it's got beer. My beer. All right. Well, you know what? We can all drink it a little bit later. Well, thank you. Yeah, no problem. Daryl, we can all drink your beer and you can drink my beer and we'll all toast the holiday together. Oh, God. Okay. Yeah, well, no, that's a good idea, Henry. I feel like I have to do that. Good thing you're bigger than a dog, my boy. And...

And then I hand what is clearly half of a six pack, the remaining three of a six pack wrapped up in wrapping paper. And I handed it to Peyton. Gimme, gimme, gimme. And he rips it open. Now, I kind of wanted to, since the three beers, I kind of want to discuss with his dad. I was thinking, this is also kind of a gift from my dad, Frank, who's in there. And technically, is Peyton of any age? He's a muculi, right? Is he eight years old or is he my dad who would be 72 years old? Trust me, baby. If I drink these, he'll see them on the way down. Mmm.

You know, I don't know that we should. I mean, maybe a sip, you know, but even then, he's pretty young. He's pretty, I don't know. I don't know, Darryl. It's just the idea of drinking a beer with my dad on Christmas again, you know? How about a copper bars?

I'll pour this beer into somebody else's mug or whatever, and I'll pour my cocoa into the beer, and then I'll sip from that while you sip from your beer. So it'll look like we're sharing a beer. Oh, that's fun. I like that. Here's a test, because it's really about whether or not the alcohol affects you, Peyton, right? Because we don't really know how a monkey light works. Right, right, right. Here, take a sip of this, and I toss him Barry's brew. Oh, jeepers. I don't know that we should. He takes a sip, and he immediately dies because he is the size of a dog.

He is at zero hit points. He is unconscious. Oh, geez. What did you do, Daryl? He's a little kid. You can't give him away. Wait a second. You wanted me to just kill Payton? And you're mad at me? You clearly served poison. Henry, what were you doing? You're like nine times the size of Payton. And I blast Payton with a big healing spell. And I give him healing word and healing word. Is you okay, bro?

I'm never drinking again. Oh, no. Oh, good. Then you learn something. You learn never to drink alcohol. All right, guys, let's have a toast. No, as Henry's about to cast a spell, just like in the famous last movie of Twilight, I suddenly like flash my eyes and I realize what would have just happened if I didn't detoss Henry's brew to Peyton. I go, no, you guys are probably right.

That would be fucking awesome if we could do like a huge fight. Everyone gets one. Yeah, the entire group gets one and Daryl just used it.

Just use it on this. Wow, that would be wild if that happened. Because Peyton canonically died. You're right, Peyton. Tell you what, I'll hold on to these until you become 21 or until you die and you become my dad again. It's a hell of a fucked up thing to say, but all right, yeah, I can get by that. Like in the last movie, Twilight, I am a grown man wolf imprinting on a mission. Oh, no.

All right, Glenn, what did you get? Well, I mean, Glenn looks very reluctant to do anything. He's like, okay, I guess that's, does that wrap it up or what? It was like a kid rummaging around through all the wrapping paper to see if there's one more gift. You know what I mean? Like, he's like, so it looks like we got Daryl's presents. They all got around and Payton's presents got around my presents. Rod's presents. Yeah, I guess, I guess that's everyone. No, no, Glenn, no.

Glenn didn't get us anything. Peyton got us hot cocoa. Glenn, where's your presents? Yeah. It's Christmas. Okay, hold on. Glenn marches outside with Ron's wrapping paper and like a bag, like his backpack, like whatever the sack he's been carrying stuff in. And then he comes back in with several hastily but neatly wrapped presents. And they are all like...

boxes. I'm like here, just here, Henry here, Ron, Daryl. We should have added this to Glenn's guilty verdict. I was literally thinking like we should go back and add this. I got you. I got you guys. Um,

Some stuff. Okay, so here's the deal. Should we open it all at once? Yeah, sure. Why not? All right, I opened my gift. I opened my gift. I opened my gift. As you guys are opening it, Glenn kind of explains. So when you remember back during the pyramids, I basically told Doug to grab... I fucking knew it.

There's a fries section of stuff that's like stuff they keep in the back. And I kind of told Doug to go grab those. I was kind of hoping to, well, whatever, I guess you guys could have these. And as you open them up, you each have received, Henry receives a G-Force 3090 TI Founders Edition.

Daryl receives an EVGA RTX GeForce 3090 FTW3 Gaming Edition. Ron receives a Gigabyte GeForce RTX 3090 Vision OC Overclocked Edition.

And then Payton gets a shake weight. Hell yes. He immediately starts using it. He's like, oh, hell yeah, but he gets a swole. Wow. Anyway, I guess those are great for like... These are really expensive. Yeah, I guess they're good for like Bitcoin mining and like there's like real-time ray tracing and stuff. They're really, I guess, hard to find right now. I'm going to throw this into my monster rig back home. I'm going to be playing...

missed it. Frame Race, you can't even believe. Civilization 2? Maybe I'll kick that one up to 1024x800 resolution, you know? I'm gonna crank some anti-aliasing up, you know? I've heard that's a thing you can do. Boy, oh boy. I bet Grant would like this. Grant's Fortnite would be much better. Will these work on automatic cat feeders? Ha ha ha!

Yeah, whatever. I guess I'll push frames for a cat feed or two. Sure, why not? Anyway, I hope everyone enjoy your graphics cards.

Oh, shoot. I spilled cocoa on mine. Oh, jeez. I already took it out of the box. I was such a kid. You think this will still work with cocoa on it, Glenn? Hold on. I'll dry it off over the fire. And I hold it over the fire to dry it off. Glenn just goes. All right. So everyone go ahead and roll a constitution. Uh-oh. I don't want to. This is a new low. I just Googled constitution and got the constitution of the United States of America. And you rolled it.

And you rolled it. And what did it say? I got a 1789 on my constitution check. All right. My constitution roll seven plus one, eight. 14 plus seven. So 21. I got a natural 20. Henry? Henry got a 14. Ron and Daryl, nothing feels unusual to you. Henry and Glenn, you feel amazing.

A very large, very powerful toot heading through your digestive system down to your butt. And as you feel it, Peyton goes, I also got you all a gift. I got you a lesson. And that is, and he turns like an anime character, looks at Henry and Glenn. He says, never trust Peyton. And both of you let out a very large, very loud toot. And he goes, happy- Henry looks at Peyton and says, I have a lesson for you, young boy. Never bet against a vegan when farts are on the line.

And I turn and I rip a monster head. Well, listeners, here's your big old lump of coal. Oh, no, no. And then the fire fucking burns the barn down. You have to run away into the night. Peyton hangs onto a chain link fence. And the fart blows his face off. And then you go back to Peyton before you open presents and he goes, so that's what would have happened if I put fart juice in your coke bottle.

I guess I won't do that. Which I did. Oh no, we wasted Payden's rewind time. Yeah, he was at his own party, his own special party, and he used it already. You only have three more rewinds.

You know what, Forrest? Such a dumb thing that we just slapped together for Christmas. I will say we did get three items and three rewind times. This is a pretty effective episode, really. Thanks for listening to Dungeons and Daddies, everyone. Hope everybody has a better year next year. Happy holidays to all. And to all a good day.

I was thinking of something that rhymed too, but I can't. Dang, you hate to see it. He sprang from his sleigh, gave the team a gift. We came up with on the spot, uh...

Because our brains are just adrift. And I heard Santa exclaim. Yeah, keep going. You can get you through this. Go all the way to the other side. It'll make it funny again. I heard Santa exclaim, ho, ho, ho, whoever threw that pencil, your mom's a ho. You rhymed ho with ho. Yay! All right, then. We'll take it. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays.

Feliz Navidad. Feliz Navidad.

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Most Americans think they spend about $62 a month on subscriptions. But guess what? The real number? Closer to $300. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, you have full control over all of your subscriptions and a clear view of your expenses. You can see all of your subscriptions in one place. And if you see something you don't want, you just tap it. You cancel it. Tap it a few times. It's gone. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

I love also that the dashboard shows you... That was me tapping all of you guys. I want you out of my life. I'm cutting you out. Aww. I love how the dashboard also shows this month's spending compared to last month so you can track month to month how much you're spending. You can see those habits and they'll help you create a custom budget to help keep your spending on track. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. It's just like those when you deposit a check in a bank. You know what I mean? You just take a picture. That really is crazy.

Take a picture of a check and that's how it works? I know, that was wild when that first time I saw it. I felt like I was in the future. I was like, do I take a picture of a $20 bill and now I have $20 more in my account? Yeah, Rocket Money. No. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com.

We'll be right back.

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Planescape Torment. That game rules. Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, Summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. Bespoke. It's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collection. Oh, my God. Okay, so, like, you know in Dune they have the Box of Pain? Yeah. That's, like, the opposite.

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