BONUS: Sons and Sonsability - Ep. 1 - The Mothman Progenies
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Basically, all the good stuff. That was a my dad wrote a porno reference. Anyways, content warnings can be found in the episode description. What you're about to hear is part one of a three part miniseries we did for a Patreon stretch goal earlier this year called Sons and Sons Ability, which is a Regency era miniseries played on a semi homebrew system that Anthony and our guest DM Amanda Shookman came up with.

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Welcome to Sons and Sons-ability, being a role-playing adventure about four bachelorettes trying to find love or, at the very least, marriage in Regency England. I'm Anthony. My co-DM for this adventure is Amanda Schuckman, writer, game designer, and expert on the Regency. Hello, Amanda. Thank you for coming. Hello. Hi, Amanda. Yay!

Yay. Just happy to be here, guys. So basically what we are going to be doing is a kind of bespoke-ish tabletop system. Oh, yes. You know I love the word bespoke. Or what's the word? Proprietary tabletop system that is a little bit from the Good Society RPG system. If you've heard of that, where players work together to make a Jane Austen kind of story. And also a board game called Marrying Mr. Darcy and a little bit of D&D. So if it's bad, blame me. Don't blame those systems. Those systems are great.

to sort of set the stage. Amanda, could you very briefly explain to our listeners who might not know what the Regency era is and what it's sort of known for in pop culture? Oh, it would be my absolute delight.

Regency England was a period of roughly 10 to 20-ish years, because no one, like, really knows, that happened in the early 1800s. Everybody immediately thinks we went from, like, big, poofy Marie Antoinette gowns straight to cool bustle gowns in the Victorian era. That's not true. Partly because Queen Victoria ruled for fucking ever and had, like, 12 different Silhouettes during her time, but also because right before Queen Victoria hit up the palace, we had a reign of...

unstable or useless men in the position of king. Just like... I mean, it was a different time. Mad King George III, upon going mad, had his son, his very young son, named Regent, and we entered the Regency era. Wow. Oh. It's so wild to me that, like, Regent was, like, a kid's name. It'd be like if we had an era named, like, Steph. LAUGHTER

The step-er. His kid's name was also George. He was made Regent, which is the name for someone who's like, you're in charge while this dude's too nuts to be in charge. They're not officially in charge yet. I'm glad you're here to correct Beth because normally when Beth is wrong, I can't say shit. Listen, I really wish that I hadn't known better because that would fucking rock if that kid's name had been Regent. Yeah. Also, Freddie, could you go, like, fuck yourself? Yeah.

That went around for about 10 years, and then King George died. Baby King George became regular King George, and he also lasted about 10 years, and then also died. At which point, we moved on to a guy that nobody remembers, and then we hit up Queen Victoria. So, the Regency period is this weird little blip where everybody all of a sudden, for some reason, was wearing, like, little teeny tiny booby bands and, like, really long skinny dresses and nothing else. Hubba hubba. I mean, apparently, because it was this period of just...

sexual revelry, mostly among dudes, and a real tightening up of like what women were allowed to know about sex, which was fucking nothing until they got married and it was like, do I have a fun surprise for you? So all,

of the shit that we love and care about the Regency basically comes from Jane Austen because she was writing books making fun of it at the time it was actually happening and a lot of people missed that part and really just got into the romance of it but they are in fairness both funny and romantic and now we have Bridgerton and I think that pretty much is everything you could possibly need to know about the Regency period I know that's officially everything I know about the Regency period too you already have

scholar. But yeah, I feel so involved. I didn't know anything. So here's things that I learned, by the way, just in the quick Wikipedia-ing of it. America, pretty recent in this time period. Brand new brand. Also, most of the things I was thinking about, like, oh, yeah, opium wars, Jack the Ripper. No, all like

Victorian. 60, 70 years later. So it's like before a lot of the stuff I think that we think of when we think of like Victorian era chimney sweeps and all that. Damn. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they were still like shoving little kids up chimneys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. During the Regents. For fun. For fun. Yeah, but they weren't singing and dancing.

It was really just like crawl up there and clean it out. And if you die, we'll have to hire another one to fish you out later. So I will explain the way that this game is played as we go. But first, I would like to introduce everybody's characters. So to sort of set the scene, this entire adventure is going to take place over the course of the season where everybody sort of goes to whatever.

Go to London, Amanda. Correct me if I say stupid things here, but there's a coming out party with the queen. Like you see at the beginning of Bridgerton, everybody shows off all their new debutantes. Was that a real thing? It is the opening of the marriage mart, my friend. It is an entirely real thing. Holy shit. Where it was like, okay, here's this year's crop of ladies. But like only of a certain class. Yeah, only of a certain class. Only the peerage. Like if your name was in a book somewhere where it's like, they've owned this much land for this long. You got to send your daughters to this party to be like, she's fuckable now. Congrats. Oh.

This would be like if all of our literature was just about, like, Bill Gates' kids. Like, this is the top 1% of 1%. Oh.

It's just the rich people. Yeah, this is the Kardashians. But in Jane Austen books, they're always like recently poor. Yeah, but they're like poor. Yeah, the quotation mark. They're like, oh, just manners. Yeah, in Sense and Sensibility, when they talk about the tiny cabin, it's a huge mansion. So we're going to start at this coming out party. So the queen is sitting on her throne. She's got a cute small inbred dog. And the first family to show up is you players. We need to come up

with our family name. Oh, shit. What's our family name? Okay. I like Arctic Monkeys. I like... The Mothmen. The Mothmen. The Mothmen? The Mothmans. The Mothmans. Okay, cool. The Mothmans. Sorry. I thought that was very good. I like that. That's fun. So the footman announces the Mothmans and... Of the Prophecy

The Queen's like, oh, the prophecy says that they're not going to get married, that they're all a bunch of weirdos. No, never. So yeah, what do we see when you four walk in? The eldest sister, I believe. I'm the eldest, but I'm probably the least desirable. So who's the peak of our crop? Who is the best? I'm the defender. Freddie literally told me that his character would have huge titties. So...

Beth, I want this antagonist in this whole episode. Go after Freddie. I think Beth has to go first. I push Beth. What's your character? I, as the eldest, who is a recently widowed, but you do not know my name yet, I push Beth, the cream of our crop, the finest of our daughters, the one that will most likely save our ruin of our family. Voted most likely to get married. Married. Oh.

I push her forward. Okay. My character's name is Elizabeth. Elizabeth Mothman. Elizabeth Mothman. She is a handsome maiden. Does that mean like... Only now. Back then it was actually a compliment. Yeah, it's handsome. Yeah, they say that in Prime Regions all the time. Handsome. They also were obsessed with naturalism, I guess. They were the first of like, don't wear too much makeup.

Okay. Yeah. She doesn't wear too much makeup. I found some weird comic that was like an old New Yorker comic at the time that was like making fun of women who do put on makeup. So there you go. Sexism is, you know, not a new thing, by the way. It's almost like it's not a new thing. It's almost like it's kind of like throughout our history and kind of fundamental and kind of pervasive. I haven't noticed that. Oh, God. Okay. Yeah. That's so wild.

wild. I whisper, I say, stop talking about those ideas. She doesn't have too many ideas, which makes it really hard. No, but actually that is part of her. Do I say her three? Yes. So the way that we've set up these characters, basically you don't have any stats. The only thing that's going to matter for your characters is everyone has a D20 that they can roll to try to do things. And they also have tags, tags, traits or tags or titles, adjectives that can describe them that everybody else is aware of. Everybody knows those things about them. So if you have

Okay, my traits are good dancer, stubborn, and stupid. Thanks.

Fantastic. So like basically the character that Channing Tatum plays. I thought you were about to say basically Ben. I was going to say basically the character Channing Tatum plays in Magic Mike. Yeah, exactly. That's who I based the character off of. Oh, got it. That's great. Also, every player character and actually every evil NPC, which Amanda will play for Evil NPCs and Meet Soon, but every character also has two hidden bits of information.

One of them is their goal. If the player can achieve their goal, then they will get to heal a bunch of basically health in this game. And they also have a terrible secret. And if that terrible secret is ever made known, then all of their health losses for the rest of the game will be doubled.

Everybody's health is represented by MP, marriage potential, and you all start at 50. You can get more or less depending on how things go for you. If things happen that embarrass you or hurt your marriage ability, your MP goes down. And if your MP hits zero, no one wants to marry you. Do the men have HP, husband potential? Oh, that's fun. No, because they're always going to be wanted. That's how this works. They have money. It doesn't matter how often. Yeah, it's really. So trying to get somebody to love you is going to be tracked separately and secretly.

secretly. That's not related to MP. Like the amount that they like you is a whole different thing. It's just about whether or not it is socially viable to be seen with you. If you hit zero, it's like it doesn't matter how much they love you. If you hit zero, it would be social suicide to be seen with you. Oh, interesting. Okay. That is Elizabeth Mothman. What does she do? She's walking. Are you going to introduce yourself to the queen? The queen should ask. Hello.

- Oh my God, really? - Straight to zero. That was brutal. Absolute disaster. - Okay, yes. - To die? - Oh, she hasn't finished, she hasn't finished. - Mothman, at your service. - So the queen buries her head in her hands and a footman comes up to you and goes, "Typically one does not speak during the presentation to the queen." - My apologies.

I see that she is burying her head. I might have a handkerchief around here. Let me look for a handkerchief in my cleavage. She doesn't need a handkerchief from you. That's perfectly fine. Okay. I would just curtsy and then move back with your family. Elizabeth curtsies very well because she's a natural dancer. And then she's like, I'm not. Honey, you're still talking. The talking is the problem.

Less of that. Okay, so go ahead and roll a d20.

I got a 14. Okay, so you lost 14 health. God damn it. You lost 14 MP. And another 10 for blasphemy just now. I didn't say that. Beth said that. Wow, you are Beth. What an in-character moment. You now have lost 14 of your 50 MP, but don't worry, there will be opportunities to heal and stuff as time goes on. So who else amongst the Mothmans would like to introduce themselves? I'll come out. I'll say, well, howdy. My name is... The footman's like, what are you doing? No one talks. You're not meant to talk.

Howard, my name is Cynthia Nixon. I apologize. I think...

I've been out in the colonies for the past 15 years. I think my manners may have rubbed off on my youngest daughter. I hope that won't affect her marriage potential. Oh, my God. What's incredible is, like, the Southern accent didn't just show up, like, after, like, Thomas Jefferson. Yeah. They weren't in Virginia like, well, I'm here. Oh, me. The British are coming.

Cynthia Nixon might pull this off with the queen just with her rakish American brazenness. I put my boots up on the... I spit my six years of age on fire. My tags are, I look incredible. I don't play incredible, but I look incredible while I play the harp.

And then my... Oh, you fucked yourself. That's a very specific benefit to have. So mostly harp was the most important instrument, but most people couldn't afford it. And then my poor reputation, my poor taxes. I have legs of those who have learned to fence, so I got kind of bullied because I learned to fence. Okay. And then also I ride a horse, but I ride it like a man. Nice. Oh, that's fun. Rides a horse like a man. That's great. I've lived in New Orleans. Which is the same. That was where my... Horse central. In Spitland.

And I'm a widower. I'm a widow. Your husband, Ernest Nixon, died mysteriously. Okay, so that probably means that when you're walking up, there's a lot of people poking each other and whispering. You hear the word widow. You hear the word damaged goods. Gunslinging Americans. Yeah, sorry. When you step through, there's two saloon doors that you push open that nobody saw. The Harpsichord players stopped. Somebody sliding a champagne flute across the counter and they're like...

Okay, so yeah, you go ahead and take a D20 for talking and putting your feet up. Oh, no.

A gun goes off. That's an 11. Okay, so you lose 11 MP. I mean, that's fair. Yeah, a gun goes off. I don't think everyone has a Mary Cynthia. What are you? Are you our older sister? I'm the eldest sister. The eldest sister. You said you're 19, Beth? Yeah, I'm 19. You're the oldest by a lot, right? Yeah, I think I'm like 32. Oh, God. They had like one kid, I think maybe a remarriage or something. I think I'm like way older. All right. Excuse me, let me put on my cigarillo. All right, who else would like to introduce themselves? So, fanny pack.

Mothman. Fanny means something different there. No, Fanny was a common name. Fanny's a common name, dude. Oh, okay. Well, now it means something different there. It means something different after my time. Let's just say there's a reason. Let's just say there's a reason Fanny developed this slang. You mean Fanny Mothman? Yeah, Fanny Mothman steps forward and curtsies most delicately and says, unfortunately, but speaks and says,

Your Majesty, please excuse the rude manners of our eldest sister. Her time away in the colonies has addled her mind somewhat, and I hope you can forgive our transgressions in this regard. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. First, we're going to roll a d20 to see if that works in terms of taking some of the heat off of Cynthia Nixon. Yeah, I heard she's fucking good too, though, by the way. And as Beth said, I got big ol' fucking...

Is that one of your positive tags is big titties? Well, see, there's a question, right? It really depends because that's over as time has gone on. That's a question for you, Amanda. Yeah. What are the standards of the era? Honestly, the Regency was a fun blip in the history of the English's general attitudes towards breasts because all of a sudden it was actually fashionable to be like, look, there's two and like,

Have them exist independently of each other and visible to the world, which is part of why the style of dress was so scandalous. So no, having big old knockers ain't going to be a point against you as long as they are appropriately reined in among the right. I have a feeling they're not. They're real dope on hunker rolls. I think the word that you're looking for is barely.

It's on the edge. Barely counts. If there's no areola, they're good. Oh, wrong. Think about it. You can't just be wearing pasties. You cannot be talking to the queen with pasties. No, pasties cannot be. And Fanny Mothman is renowned for her adeptness at the pianoforte. Okay. Excellent.

Which is fucking mad. I wish you had checked with me before you'd been good at harp, bro. No, it's that she looks good. I look good while playing. He can't play harp. He can't look good holding it. But nobody really knows how harp is supposed to sound. So that's all that matters. Yeah, because what do you think about harp? There's nothing as funny as harp.

What's your favorite harp song? It's the flashback sound. Yeah. Anyone can do that. Secretly, anyone can do that. That's actually the secret of the harp, dude. Okay, so your pianoforte thing is your good tag. What are your bad tags? I think that Fanny is...

is a hard-drinking opium addict. Okay. Great. Is that two separate ones? Likes to drink, likes opium? I mean, I think that those two. Substance abuser. Going back to your trying to excuse Cynthia Nixon's behavior, go ahead and just give me a straight D20 roll, and you're trying to beat an 11.

Natural one. Okay. That doesn't work. I was so bad. I didn't even get a chance to roll if I was helping out or not. Well, no, because you just said stuff. You weren't like trying to help anybody. You were just like, hey, it's me, everybody. You guys start laughing. I said, excuse me. Maybe my manners from the colonies rubbed off on my sister is what I said.

Okay, you're trying to take the key. This does not bode well for the Mothra. Six people diving in front of a bullet. Yeah, the same bullet and somehow it goes through all of them. Because, you know, I was like, maybe they'll accept you. You roll your d20. That's a three. Okay, so you still take your damage just as normal.

Freddie, since you rolled a one, you're going to roll with disadvantage for your own MP loss. Or wouldn't it be advantage? Yes, the higher number. You're right. So I straight up got 20. So I think like a little like I trip and like I kind of there might be some stuff that flashes a little bit.

Oh yeah, your breasts just come out. They just see the areolas. It's very bad. So you lose 20 MP from the get-go. What's your character's first name again? Fanny. Fanny. So they pull out some smelling salts and starts putting them underneath all the men's noses that have passed out. Yeah, the footman immediately passes out and comes back to him. So after her three sisters all shit the bed, and then when Fanny falls over, you see behind Fanny this sort of like

pale looking woman sort of like slowly walks up and she gives a little feeble curtsy. And this is Eunice. Eunice. Eunice does not say anything, but she gives a weak, demure smile. And Eunice is pious, sickly, and uninteresting. Oh my gosh, she's perfect. Yeah.

You're singing Grace. All the men are like, who's this? Who was that? She looks consumptive. Did you see her cough into her handkerchief on the way in? Oh, yes. As I curtsy, you see me wobble a little bit, and then I do give the tiniest cough. I'm like, and then I sort of stand back up. Awoo, girl. Yeah, the Tex Avery wolf in the corner. Man, I forgot her the moment I left the room. It's incredible. Yeah.

It's like, she's not even there, my ideal wife. So the footman says, ah, thank you. Thank one of you so much for not talking. The queen has gotten a good look of you. If you would now move to the side and we can see the next family to come in.

Announcing the family Rogan. And four women come in that are all going to be voiced by Amanda and are going to be your primary antagonists for this adventure. You know the Rogans. You've had a longstanding feud with them. The father, Joseph, screwed your father out of a lot of money and a bad investment for horse pills. Our father, the CEO of Spotify. Yeah, yeah, your father, Spotify Mothman.

Oh, that's great, because I was actually thinking that the reason I'm in America is because my father gambled, bet me. So I was like, maybe that's too much, but you just said it. It was perfect. Yeah, great, perfect. Yeah, Spotify was like, I put it on my daughter. Just so you know, you as your family, you have 500 pounds total amongst all of you. That's all you have left in the world. So that's like $12 million. Yeah, you're basically billionaires. But even for the time, it's Jane Austen, quote, unquote, poor. A pittance. A pittance. Amanda, in any order you like, would you introduce us to the Four Rogan Gal?

I'd be happy to, Anthony. First up is Lady Desdemona Rogan, a statuesque young woman with a bustline to rival fannies. Wow. But considerably more tastefully attired. Shit. Who strides with perhaps a bit too much sauce and swagger down the red carpet to curtsy deeply in front of the queen.

followed by the first of her triplet sisters. Peggy, Skylar, and... Lady Philomena Rogan. There's another sickly girl? Another? What the fuck? How consumptive does she look? A poor...

poorly slip of a girl with skin so pale and dry it has an almost vaguely greenish hue who delicately wibble wobbles her own way down the red pulpit her large watery eyes cast demurely downward as she joins her sister in a gentleman elbows the gentleman standing next to him it's like

Forsooth, you can see almost through her skin. Might she be some manner of spirits? Nearly translucent. Followed by... I would bust that ghost. Sorry, continue. Followed by Lady Eliscart, who is a distant cousin who has joined the family for this season. They're the mirror images of us. Third one's coming. Don't fucking rush me. Oh, I'm sorry.

who glides with an almost preternatural grace down the aisle to join her cousins and bows to the queen. And then finally, Lady Jane Rogan, who is simply the picture of perfection, a bright-eyed, blonde, normal 19-year-old girl who also sashays her way down to join her sisters and curtsies before the queen. I know it seems like we made characters just to fuck your characters, but we came up with a separate one.

I have listed here foreign, sickly, saucy, and perfect, which is all the same ones we have.

This is a very Smash Brothers, Fox meat versus Fox kind of situation. I love it. Holy shit. You're just all voiced better, too. Yeah. It's very frustrating. Her perfect is actually, like, good. Amanda is also a professional voice actor. It feels like we're the real underdogs on this one. Oh, yeah, for sure. I'd like to quickly gather the Mothman family together. Sisterly huddle, please. Gather round. I say we fucking kill the other ones. Let's just ice these bitches.

My sisters, we stand no chance this season. Look upon these radiant beings. Our only hope is that they are trampled underfoot by horses. Dear sister, I encourage you to remember from your good book the lesson of turning the other cheek. I'm sure if we greet these Rogans with kindness and compassion they shall be as sisters are to us and we shall all find marriageable men this season. I don't

care about what the other family of sisters is doing, I think that we have a good shot at it. If we just be ourselves and curtsy wisely and then... Curtsy wisely. And we thought that maybe

Spreading some gossip about these others. I can't kill them. I mean, we can't kill them. We can't kill them. Where's your southern accent? Not even trying. I'll be honest. You're leaving Shotson. She's coming back, sister. You lost your southern accent. You're halfway there. Already better. Sister, I know it's confusing to be between two worlds. Oh, it is. I also feel that way between the world of you, oh my god.

my sisters in the world of the men. Elizabeth, are you suggesting that we ruin their good name with scandalous words and lies? Oh, yes. Yes, I am suggesting that. I have three great gossips ready for the drop. Okay. But I need a fourth. I do express a concern that one of the Ten Commandments is not to bear false witness against thy neighbor. However, there is another commandment.

another commandment to honor thy mother and father and it seems that we should get married as evasively as possible to do such a thing. Exactly. Who's in the house? JC. And that stands for just compromise. Okay.

So after the queen gets a good look at everybody... Gets a real eyeful. Gets a real eyeful of everybody, you head down to drinks and libations and food and a cool party. Where are we? Are we at the palace? Like, where are we, bro? I guess so, yeah. Yes. We're at the palace. Yeah. You basically go down for the mixer. And, um...

At this mix- That was the official Dermabag. Yeah, yeah. The cocktail hour. The networking party. Yeah, yeah. Every debutante has their fucking name tag on their arm because that's when you see when you shake hands. Come sisters, we must network. So downstairs in the area with all the food, you see several people you've heard a lot about. There have been four new eligible bachelors that have come to town. You see boys.

Males. Men. You see four particularly eligible and particularly marriageable men because they have money, the kind of money that could set you up for life. So you see a duke. What is a duke? Yeah. A duke.

He's a landed gentry who has been granted that title specifically by the reigning monarch. It's not just like a thing that you like pick up. Like once it's given to you, you inherit it down the line until you piss off the wrong person, then they take it away. But basically he's just better than everybody else there. You would refer to a duke as his grace or your lordship. Uh-huh.

I'm taking more notes. And also don't fucking talk to him until he talks to you because that's a no-no. Unless, you know, you're literally anybody from the Moffin family, in which case go fucking nuts. Yeah. And you know that this particular Duke is Duke, well, I guess he would be the Duke of like whatever the fuck he has, like Duke of Hastings or whatever, but fuck it. His friends call him Colin Wilson. He has Colin Firth, not in Pride and Prejudice, but like in like Love Actually kind of like attractiveness. Oh God.

Colin Firth and the Batman? That's Colin Farrell. It's a different guy. Whoa, take it easy, sweetheart. And then there is a soldier who has been out fighting the French and is still in his outfit. It's the Napoleonic Wars era. Sure is. Which is why it's extra hilarious that everybody's dressing like Empress Josephine. Why, England? Ah, bundle of contradictions. And his name is Daryl Hannah.

Daryl Hannah looks like he's been fucked up kind of by war. He's Asian. They're cool with that in this world. It's Bridgerton. It's Bridgerton. Yeah, it's Bridgerton racial and gender rules. You see that he's looking around this ball, this to-do with a little bit of like a kind of a vibe to him. There is an investor, a very wealthy investor who you know has made his money in pantaloons named Theodore Stampler. No way! No way!

Theodore Stampler is a larger man with big old suspenders, a big old mustache, and a haughty attitude. And then there is a priest. I hate to cut your legs out from under you, but he can't be a literal priest because one, nobody here is Catholic. And if anybody was, they get the fuck kicked out of this shit. And two, priests still can't get married.

to people. What's Mr. Collins? He's a clergyman. He's a clergyman? Yeah. Okay, so you see a clergyman whose name is, I guess his first name is just Father, because that's what I wrote down. Love that. Well, the odds he became a clergyman. Father in the streets, Daddy in the shoes. His name is Father Unworthy.

No way! They're looking around the floor, looking for people to talk to. The Duke thing that Amanda said is accurate, but if you want to go up and talk to him, I'm not going to penalize you for that because you should be able to decide what you want to do. He's holding office hours. Yeah, sure, yeah. Sisters, there seem to be four eligible men that could save our family from ruin, and four of us, I say we should divide our forces, you know, loaves and fishes and all that.

And each of us should pick a man to pursue so that we do not have to choose between family and future family. That's very, very good. I think what we should do is we all on the count of three say the name of the most eligible bachelor we are all going to be going for. And we are bound to that choice no matter what. False wits. One, two, three. Call it what you want.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. Sisters, you may have noticed that I didn't say anybody. And that is similar to... Sister, what is your name? This again? You know that I am a little... My name is... Allow me to check my character sheet. My name is Eunice. People forgive me so much, I forget my own names at times because it's so rare that I'm called by it. Well, you remember that I am Naryophonus.

to fly with upstairs in the old brain. I sometimes like to ask you your name again just because. Anyways. Women. You see that the Duke Colin Wilson has been standing next to you for some time and he goes, ah, hello, I saw your little performance up there for the Queen. Oh, you did? I did, I did. Would you like to see another little performance?

I call this a dance. A dance? That seems a little inappropriate. There's no music playing. Who would you dance with? So you play banjo while Fanny like whoever's on the harpsichord. Fanny takes over the harpsichord and plays a jaunty rag. Okay. Okay.

Let's all roll for these things individually. So first, it'll affect how much affection Duke Wilson gets for one or all of you. Cynthia Nixon said she was going to pull out her banjo and then look good next to it. I will decide to agree that a banjo is really just a smaller harp. So you can roll with a D20 with advantage. Oh, with advantage. I mean, it's already going. I got 18. 18. Okay, so you pull the banjo out and it goes, oh, oh my.

A portable harp? A portable harp! A portable harp. The colonies really have come up with something quite interesting. And then you jump on the harpsichord, you said. Yes. Okay, so is the harpsichord and piano forte the same thing? Yeah, the same keyboard. Okay, you get to roll with advantage as well.

I got 14. Okay. So you start playing. What do you start playing? At this time period. Salieri's Welcome March. Salieri's Welcome March. Yes. Salieri's Welcome March. This is just like Bridgerton. I love it. So he goes, oh, not bad. Bit of a trifle. Kind of just goes up and down again. But I do enjoy it. I'm not playing. I'm pretending to play the strings, but I'm looking really good at ball games. Yeah, so he doesn't care. He doesn't notice. He's like, oh, this is so bad. Eunice is going to try to look uninteresting and sickly next to her sister so that she looks better. Oh, yes. Are there any fainting

Fainting couch is about that you may faint into. I just sort of like stand next to her and just like sort of look off into the distance and sigh wistfully. Sigh consumptively. Do you have a tag that would help with that? I have uninteresting as a tag. Yeah. Okay, I feel like that merits advantage. Sure. So go ahead and give me an advantage roll. I got a 13. 13. Okay, 13's not bad. He looks at you and he looks at you for about a second and a half and then looks right back at you.

Elizabeth. Here's specifically what it is, is that I see the Rogans coming down. And so I move myself into his peripheral vision to block them so that he looks at me and gets bored and looks back at my sister. He's like, oh, nothing interesting. Look up there. Now it's all up to Elizabeth. Give me a roll for your dancing. And if you have a tag for good at dancing or whatever, you can roll with advantage. I do, but I already got an 18.

Wow. I'm going to go with the 18. So what I'm doing right now is I'm going to secretly roll for how much Duke Wilson enjoys your dance. And you're going to get some bonuses by the fact that your sisters helped you, but it's all going to go for his affection for specifically Elizabeth.

Unless some of you are specifically trying to catch his eye, or are you all trying to help Elizabeth? I'm definitely putting a little juice into the playing. And, you know, maybe that may attract some other eligible gentlemen around the room, you know? Okay, sure. Which of these men look the easiest? Definitely Father Unworthy. Okay. He's the pinkest of the pinks, if you would say, in the Georgette Hayer slang of the Regency era. Is there a slang dictionary up there? Yes, I do have a slang dictionary up there. Wow.

I raised my eyebrows. I wiped the gobble cock, if you will. That means just a turkey. Okay, so here's what you see on Duke Wilson's face as you dance. You do a really good dance. The music accompaniment is pretty good. He's not looking at the Rogans. But as he watches you dance, he just kind of...

Uh-oh. He just sighs a little bit to himself. Nary a toe tap. Nary a shake of his shoulders to the music. He doesn't seem much for dancing and for music. Duke Wilson, would you be interested in mayhaps a duet of dance? Dance. Dance.

Dancing. Oh, absolutely not, I'm afraid. No, that's the far beneath me. Do I have to roll to Intercentric and Lady Desdemona just fucks some shit up right now? You can absolutely just come in and start talking. All right, because the Rogans are terrible and we know that, so there's no reason pretending they're not. Lady Desdemona sweeps right on up in here and she goes, I do believe the Duke would far prefer a quadrille with a competent partner. I'm just... LAUGHTER

She snaps her fingers. Alice goes, oh, yes, music, and finds a large pipe organ that is also installed in the corner of this room and sits down and starts playing. Fanny Fanny looks over and is like, oh, I missed that. It was right there. Starts playing box tocata in fugue. Fanny's not impressed. Lady Philomena just sort of like wispy hobbles over to the fainting couch that Eunice failed to use earlier and goes, shit.

And collapses gently down onto it. She was so uninteresting that she didn't even know she was on the couch and collapsed on top of her. On top of her. Now blocking the view of Eunice. Lady Jane stops next to Elizabeth and says, I thought your dancing was lovely. Oh, no!

Oh my god! Okay, so give me... We're fucked, guys. This is over. Give me a roll with advantage because all that was very good. We'll just have one roll for all of that. 16. Okay, great. Fuck. God damn it. So Duke Wilson, bewitched by Desdemona's presence, goes, yes, yes, what she said. That's what I would rather do. The quadrille. I tap Mr. Wilson on the shoulder very briefly. If I may. Not to be the best. Ha ha ha!

Not to be the bearer of bad news. I start just pulling her by the collar away from Mr. Wilson. There's something you need to know very immediately about Jane. Is that it shows a long... Jane is right there. Jane is standing next to you. It shows...

I'm whispering this. I have a whole thing in this rules about how you can do gossip in a way that doesn't come back to hit you. But if you want to just whisper it now, you can. It's not true. Their toes are long and developed much like fingers. I saw her walk with them. Definitely. With their long, agile toes. Now, so...

All three of us go... I start fanning myself. I can't believe this is true. I may be enamored by this. True. But it is an MLS I thought you should be made aware of. All right. So, Jane, how are you going to react to this? Well, actually, first roll a d20 to see if you can properly whisper it without Jane hearing you. We'll say you have to beat a 15 because she's right there. Fuck! 11. Ooh. Okay. So, Jane, you hear that. Is there anything you would like to do in response? Yeah, absolutely. Jane sort of...

And like big doe-eyed blink and then looks down in the most beautiful, coquettish tilt of her head and says, I fear she is in some ways correct. My toes are much dexterous, far much more so than any of my sisters. And it has long been a source of some embarrassment. But also one may in their heart yearn to believe perhaps endearing and amusement? Endearing?

Yeah, Anthony, could you roll to see if Wilson's in the foot stop? Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and just see if that works on my boy. He goes, oh, we can find many uses for you. Oh, no! Woody, not madam. And as for you, he says, turning to Elizabeth, to reveal such a secret in public

In her very presence. That is the height of rudeness. I am deeply offended by what you've said. Roll another d20 of MPLS. Can I try to assist? How? I don't want anyone else to hear my sister getting told off by Duke Wilson, so I cough up blood onto...

Onto Philomena. Philomena? How do you say it? Philomena. I cough up blood onto Philomena and fall onto the floor. Okay, I'm going to tell you, even if you can stop people from caring about it in this moment, word will probably spread, so you're going to have to roll pretty well. I got to cough up a lot of blood for this to be the thing to take away from what happened today. I think you're going to have to beat a 16.

Probably also is going to make you more undesirable. Well, I mean, some people are into it. Some people are into it. Ever seen The Sixth Sense, Matt? In the tent? She knows she's going to be her kid sick, right? Munchausen's not an assumption. Munchausen's is a good proxy. I got a 14. You were so close. So yeah, you do successfully vomit. It's mostly phlegm. It's mostly phlegm. Ah!

But it is, I do need to know exactly how much blood. Yeah, is there any blood in it? Well, it's a 14, you tell me. Oh yeah, so it's a 14, so there's just enough blood. If you look at it, you can tell there's some blood. From across the room. You can see dots of blood in this. And then I go, oh dear, I've coughed up so much blood, oh heavens. So Lady Alice, one of her tags is that she has a thing about blood, and so she does miss a note when her head like snaps over because she sees the flecks of blood. But then she sort of regains her footing and goes on. Fanny from the corner goes, ha! Ha!

I... Yes, I said gossip loudly, but only because it also applies to me, and I've given handjobs with my... Roll your d20 with disadvantage. Take the higher number. I coughed up blood for this?

Oh, God, I got an 18. Oh, boy. So wait, Jane wants to intercede. Okay. Okay. Jane, like, leans in, like, quite frantically and is like, oh, yes, hand drops, that's a new game, isn't it? I've heard about it from my cousins from the country. It does sound ever so much fun where you roll the ball down the field and it does the job of knocking the pins over, isn't that right? Yes, in the... Everywhere. Everywhere. LAUGHTER

All right, so take the lesser of the two rolls that you have for that damage. You only take three. Jane jumped in front of the bullet for you. Now, if you'll excuse me, it seems that Philomena has to clean herself up, but I'm going to dance the quadrille with Desdemona, if you wouldn't mind, my lady. And he takes your hand and you move on to the dance floor.

Well, shit. There's still a rakishly handsome soldier. There's three other men. I see all of us turn and look at them. Let's do this fucking debacle. I do a sister huddle. I just grab them all by their ears and I pull them into a corner. Yes, I think that went quite well.

Surely I could have been more agreeable. Sister, you must teach me to play handjobs. It sounds awful fun. It sounds like it's such a lock. Darling, darling, stick it together. What are you doing? We have to be married. You're from the South. I'm going to be honest. I had a very clear idea of this character, and then I got scared and I said howdy, and now I'm completely confounded. So do not. I'm from the colonies. And look, if we do not get married immediately, we are fucked.

Fucked worse than a bull's cock, as they say in their colonies. So goddammit, stick it together. I know I haven't seen you in 15 years, but we are screwed. Our father is garbage. Our mother is... Where the fuck is she, huh? So what are we doing? Oh, sister, I've missed you these long years. I stroke you tenderly on the cheek. Oh, I've missed you too.

I don't know your name. You weren't born when I was given away by our bastard father, but I wish I had a sister. You do. You have.

I know, but listen. Why so Friday-faced or sad? Listen, I think it's a lost cause with Elizabeth. I think we can more or less write her off, but there's still time for one of us. Look, I'm going after the father. It doesn't matter who I marry. Let us help you. I just desperately need to be married and prove in America that I have been married, okay? Yes, yes, let us help you. That would be most wonderful and sisterly. I shall whisper Bible verses in your ear that should be most germane to the conversation with the father. You said I was a lost cause.

cops. Well, I'm sorry, Elizabeth. You fucked it up pretty bad there. If you want to go after Father Unworthy, the clergyman, you see him by the hors d'oeuvre table and he just picks up something and sniffs it and he licks it and he goes and puts it back down. I saddle up to him and I take a shot of whatever it is that he put down. It was a pig in a blanket. I'm kind of...

I fucking deep throat that thing right down. Oh, someone with quite an appetite. Oh, do you like to move? Do you like to move? Father Unworthy, I'm charmed to make your acquaintance. What is your name again? Fanny and Eunice just are slowly backing away from this.

Father, listen here. Look around you. Look around. But I wish to look at only the divine creature before me. Like a fine wine, a woman of my age does certain things better than others. What? Elaborate. If you wouldn't mind. I've been married. I'm experienced. You don't have a lot of options. Let's just get this over with as soon as possible. I apologize very, very quickly. Did you say I don't have a lot of options? Is that what you said? Did I hear that correctly? My sweet?

That's exactly what I said. Unus, Bible verses, quickly. Love is patient. Love is kind.

Dallas starts playing a different box song on the organ. Just lasts the year. So they get really nervous. It's like, I have big toes, too. Wait. Hold on. Let's roll for some stuff. Hold on. See this going south very quickly. So you know that Larry David ship of him being like...

Like, when you insult him, he's like, eh, but then you say you have big toes, and he's like, eh. So first of all, let's see if...

Let's see if Eunice can distract you by quoting the Bible. So Eunice, go ahead. You've got pious, right? So that feels like that's an advantage. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the Savior. Is what I think my sister was trying to say when she deep-throated that pig in the bed. So roll a d20. This is good. Roll a d20 with advantage.

I got an eight. You got an eight? Yeah, with advantage. I got a four and an eight. Okay. So you're... Even the good Lord couldn't make that one fly. So Matt, you roll a D20. You're going to have to beat a 15 to convince him that you didn't just insult him completely. You're going to have to beat a 17. Oh, I got a 19.

So, okay, so he... When you look down at my toes, I did show just a dabble of ankle. Well, yeah, he sees a dabble of ankle and he sees a bulge at the end of your slipper. And he goes, Madame, if you should know. Madame.

Do I? Can in certain circumstances be driven to animalistic urges by cruelty? I must know you a little bit first. Starting perhaps...

From the tips of your toes all the way to the top of your head. Well, she appears to be taken care of. This is all good. We give you a thumbs up and then we peace out. So he's going to roll to see how much he likes you, Cynthia Nixon. Okay. All right. Can I roll Perception to see how much he likes me? Sure. Perception. Yeah, give me a d20 roll. But you're dumb, so you have to do it with disadvantage. Yeah, 16. Oh, disadvantage.

Wait, you're dumb too? Yeah, I mean... Oh, damn it. But you've got horse sense. So with the 12, you can tell that it was... Frontier wisdom. It was a positive... Yeah, frontier wisdom. You could tell that it was a positive reaction that he had. He went, hmm. He flicked his little fingers together and he went back to the... It was a positive erection. There are things in the colonies...

That they don't do over here. And I give him a little eyebrow raise. Oh my God. You got a positive vibe from him. He points and he goes, I'm going to make a turn about the room, but I do believe we would be seeing each other again. When I walk away, I bang my foot on the table. I go, oh God, it's just hard to walk with these big boys. He's like, father, father.

Father Unworthy bites his lower lip as he walks away. He does the hand flex from Brian Bridges. Jesus. He flexes his foot. He's wearing open-toed sandals and you can see him flex his foot. Oh, God. How dare you? Can I roll to write an anonymous gossip letter and leave it somewhere? You would be doing it hurriedly inside of other people, so you would have to roll stealth to make sure nobody could see you doing it.

If you want to do it during like downtime when nobody can see you doing it, that's something else. When is downtime? When is downtime? When is downtime, Abby? Downtime? Downtime, Abby. There's going to be three big events that comprise our campaign. In between those events. The first one's pretty much a wash. Yeah, this is the first one.

- I got prospects. - Yeah, you do, you do. - This is the first one. Between the first and second and the second and the third, there's going to be free time for you to do certain things to better yourself. And one of those things you can do is to-- - Like lock down a voice. - You can take vocal pressure.

And amongst those things could be trying to spread gossip. We'll get into that once we get into downtime or into free time, but you can do it anonymously or you can do it with a bribe or you can do it personally and all that kind of stuff. But if you want to do it at the event, it could be really effective, but there's going to be a chance that people see you writing this letter and will be able to trace it back to you, which would really hurt your prospect.

Oh my god. I just feel like my prospects aren't doing well to begin with. There's also three other guys you could go after. I'm going to cast about the room and see which of the men has been drawn to Lady Philomena, because I feel like if they're into sick ladies, I got an in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good call, good call. Yeah, good call. So Philomena is the sickly Rogan. Who recently had a horrifying combination of a lot of phlegm and a little bit of blood spit up onto her gown. Yes. So...

She needed caretaking assistance from, you know, a gentleman. Yes. A gentleman of action, probably. That would definitely be Daryl Hannah, the soldier. He takes out a handkerchief and he goes, oh, my Lord. Oh, this is I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, my dear. Do you have a spare dress? I don't understand these things. Do you have a spare dress? Yes.

This one is so loose. He turns around and you're right behind him. I'm sorry. Did you wish to speak? I was busy cleaning up this lady. But sister, I wish to... Never mind. Sister, you must let the sick one have her way with this one. Yes, absolutely.

I heard all of that. The sick one has her way with... I'm the sick one. All right, both of you roll a d20, and you can see who's going to be sicker, who's going to attract his attention the most. Come on, Will. 18. Five. Nice. Do I get advantage? Yeah, you get advantage. I mean, you both get advantage, yeah.

Okay, so describe the cough that you do that makes him turn away from a woman he's cleaning to work on you. It's just like a shuddering, wet, like... Love that for you. Like a six-pack-a-day smoker is dying kind of cough. Just like a real heaver, do you know what I mean? A death rattle adjacent. And yeah, and like you see, there's like a T-Rex tremble in his champagne. LAUGHTER

And then one of the other bachelors leaves and you're like, he left us. He left us. That's not what I'm going to do. Daryl Hannah hears that and goes, oh, my word. I'm so sorry. And he continues to clean Philomena with one hand, but he turns to Eunice and pulls out a second handkerchief. Dual wielding handkerchiefs? And he's like, oh, my dear, my dear, there must be something in the water or something. I never thought I would be safer on the front lines. I'm so sorry.

I picked up this cold wandering the moose. Oh, a woman of your constitution should not be wandering the moose. They tell me that it's good for my health to get fresh air. They must be lying, my dear. Tell me, you seem to be a man of action, of...

Oh, battle and carnage. Have you seen much of death? Go ahead and give me a roll. Just a roll? You're rolling for war stories. So like if you roll well, he'll be happy to tell you them. I rolled a 14. Okay. So he goes, oh, I've seen a bit of adventure in my time. Sure. A bit of blood and dirt and...

The filthy, what do they call them, Frenchies? Do they have a derogatory name for the French at the time? I feel like the French is fine. The French. Derogatory enough as it is. Sir, I know so little of the Napoleonic Wars. Perhaps you could explain them to me in great detail. Oh, it's really not so complicated. You see, there's this chap. He's not such a bad chap. Napoleon, tiny little man. He wants to conquer...

Roll to see if you cough something up while you laugh.

I got a 16. So you cough directly. Disadvantage, I'm assuming? There's a role for sickliness? Yeah, there's a role for sickliness. Yeah, so you cough into his mouth while he's starving. Oh, God. And he goes, oh, oh, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. No, it's okay. You were telling me about battle maneuvers and many interesting things. Well, I can't. I wouldn't want to bore you with battle maneuvers. Lady Alice drifts in at his shoulder. Okay. And says, your wanker chief. What?

What? Your handkerchief, sir, for my poor cousin. And fill me in it.

because she's still dirty. Uh-huh. If you would be so kind. Oh, of course. And he hands it to you. He goes, yes, you could clear up after your sister while I explain military. And he says, thank you. I will love to hear this one's opinions on blood and death. And starts to gently mop up her sister. Okay. He goes, well,

Here's the thing about combat. The weapons that we have are not terribly accurate, so we have to often stand in lines and fire at the same time. Oh, yes, lines. Are they straight lines? Not when I'm around. No, I'm kidding. I've had dalliances now that I'm here to marry a woman who I'll probably have sexual relations with. Probably. Uh,

But yes, no, bayonets are often a thing. I took a bayonet to the chest, actually. There's quite a jarring scar. There's a great deal of blood. I didn't faint, though. A lot of the boys in the trenches often faint. We didn't do trench warfare. How masculine of you. I thought so. Thank you. Thank you. But that doesn't scare you too much, does it? I would not want to worsen your condition with my story. Oh, heavens know I think of death often when I'm wandering the moors. Uh-oh.

Well, the point is to not die. So I don't want to. Yes. No, of course. Alice Hansen back his handkerchief. Okay. He goes, thank you. Thank you. It is soaked in blood. Yeah, it's very heavy. Did you keep the bloody clothes?

Did I keep the bloody clothes that I wore? Oh, yes, I did. I thought it was sort of a red badge of courage as it were. I would love to see them. That was a Stewie Griffin impression I can also do. Please don't. Don't, don't. Do a Stewie impression. Oh, gosh. It shan't happen again, my dear. But I would love to see your bloody clothes. Okay. So both of you are going to roll to seduce this man. You are going to roll with advantage because you are sickly. Uh,

I would say you're- I feel like I'm really playing my more uninteresting thing here. Like, I really am just hoping he's so interested in himself that he'll like me by talking at himself. It's an extremely good fucking maneuver, by the way. Yes, yes. So you definitely roll with advantage for being uninteresting because you're just letting him talk his own ear off. Will would do great on hinge. And then Amanda, I think you're just going to roll normally because your blood fixation is not like a plus for you in this moment. No. Nine. Nine.

I got a five and a two. Oh, no. I'm so interesting. He goes, I do feel like you've been making this all about you, though, with your coughing and your whole thing with the tissue. So I'm just going to go ahead and turn 45 degrees to my left. 45 degrees? That sounds like an interesting angle. Tell me more about that. It's half of a square, which is what...

You are. Oh my God. So he goes, oh yes, the bloody thing that I have. Let's talk a bit more about that. So he feels certain things for both of you, but we're going to move on from that. Daryl Hannah, the soldier, walks away with Desdemona, but he does spare a single look over his shoulder. Not Desdemona.

With Alice, of all fucking people. Oh, Alice, that's right. You're right, you're right. Weird cousin Alice. Yes, weird cousin Alice. He does go and walk away with weird cousin Alice to show her his bloody outfit, but he does spare a single glance over his shoulder for Eunice, and he kind of cocks his eyebrow a little bit, but then walks away with Alice. Eunice gives a smirk smug to Philomena as she wipes blood from her mouth. Yeah. I want to approach Theodore Stampler. Okay. And I'm going to do just coming up hella coquettish, dude.

And Fanny's going to be like, Sir Stampler, do you find the proceedings to your liking? Oh, what do we have here, my dear? Oh, oh, oh. It takes him 15 seconds to look into your eyes. Well, it's going to be tough because I'm also shyly averting my eyes, too. He's just moving all around trying to get... We look like two boxers, like shadowing each other. Just sizing each other up. Like two people playing laser tag.

Trying to hit his chest sensor.

So he goes, oh, I'm very sorry. I'm sorry if it's too much. Theodore Stampler, businessman at your service. What was your name again? I believe I missed it. I am Fanny. What's her fucking last name? Mothman. Fanny Mothman. Fanny Mothman. I am charmed. And he grabs your hand and kisses it and his mustache tickles your hand. Your facial hair is quite ticklish, sir. Charmed, that's a silly name. Oh.

Whoa, you're here. He turns around, you're right behind him. Elizabeth, could you please shut the fuck up? I'm trying to do my shit here. I tackle Elizabeth. I like run, I go by full treks. I take Elizabeth out of the room. I take her out. New American game called football. You're going to love it. Okay, go ahead and roll for tackling Elizabeth. If that happens, then Elizabeth will get no natural 20. Help, I'm not. This is my sister's

She looks up and she's just already in a carriage and we're certainly in a place where she's like, chill. She's like, Elizabeth. I'm just stuck in this carriage. Won't somebody get me out of this carriage? You have a lot of charms, but just let our sister have this one, okay? Please. I will. Because I'm her aunt friend. Yes, you managed to extricate Elizabeth from this entirely with nobody seeing that you even tackled her. It's an outside procurement. Yeah. It looks like we had dry

or driving a vehicle with three horses, one in front of two others. I don't know whose character this is. It's way too fancy for us. I say, while we're here, let's make a deal of it and let's show our faces outside the window. So can we just circle the house looking good? Yeah, do a lap.

Like some people may notice it. Oh, oh, the Muffin have a fancy carriage. Okay. And look how good, you know that scene in Pride and Prejudice when the women are like, let's just walk around the room. And they just walk around the room and then watch them. Let's just pull some shitties around the room. Shall we ghost ride through this?

All right. All right. Before we get back to the Theodore Stampler scene, go ahead and both of you roll D20s to see if you look hot with your faces out the carriage window. Panama plays on like a flute. Hot!

Can I get an advantage for it? Because why? Horses at the American frontier, baby. That's true. It's a negative thing that I could ride horses like a man. That doesn't work. No. You're not riding. You're just in the carriage. Since only my face can show up in the window, my hands are out as if I'm playing the harp. Go fuck yourself. I got 12. I got 12. Okay, you got 12. Stick your feet out. I got a 19. You got a 19? Okay, good. No, it's more important that you look good. The only thing that matters to me is my feet. Yeah, are they your fingers or your feet out the window? We'll never know.

So you do your circle of the palace and you see that Colin Wilson is helping Desdemona into a carriage, but he sees you going by and he sees your pretty faces and he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh. The hottest thing about the scene. Are they still?

stealing my carriage? Back to Theodore Stampler. What are you all about, my dear? What do you do when you're not being adorable? I find I'm, if it's not too immodest to say so, quite adept at the pianoforte.

Okay. Is there perhaps a tune or dalliance you would like to hear? I can play many by ear. I have to say, for me personally, my favorite song on the pianoforte is Silence. I find it to be a bass and bestial instrument mainly played by perverts.

Sir, do you have such an attitude towards all music? No, no, no, not at all. It's just specifically the piano for anything with keys. But why does the piano vex you, sir, if I may ask? To be completely honest, the tickling of the keys with one's fingers seems more than little...

erotic for my taste. That kind of behavior should happen as God intended behind closed doors. Upon hearing the words as God intended, Eunice rises from the couch and like her head just kind of turns like the T-1000 like slacking onto a target and I start slowly making my way over. And I go, well, perhaps sometimes I play with gloves on so as not to harm my

Delicate hands. Yes, but then you can't feel it. No glove, no love, as my widow once said. But I'm afraid that just the sound of the piano for days is... You were widowed. I was not aware. Yes, yes, indeed. Hold the fucking phone one second. Did they let a widower in here? Yeah, men can get remarried. I'm a man. I can do whatever I want. So who's in better... Wait, is that not a big deal? No, not really. For men? No, not really. Men got everything. There wasn't a reputation hit. No, not even a reputation hit.

Not even a dog. No. No. Okay. Only if people know when you murder them. Only if people know, like really know. Like they could know, but like not know, you know? I kind of turn around and I'm like, I look over to my other sister. It's like, oh no. You see Eunice coming up. Eunice, how have you met my dear sister Eunice? How do you do? Are you two discussing music? Yes, and he has apparently quite a distaste for music on the pianoforte or harpsichord or the clavichord or any of the keyed instruments. Yes.

Disgusting. Oh, God. What about you, Eunice? Well, I always say, sing to him, sing praises to him, tell of all his wondrous works. That's my favorite kind of music. Sing to the Lord. Oh, yes, please do sing, says Lady Jane overhearing. Yes, actually, I would love it if you could, without Googling it... LAUGHTER

Sing a hymnal to the Lord. Yeah, that's right. Close that laptop, big boy. Sing a hymnal to the Lord. Oh, wait, this is a voice. Sing a hymnal to the Lord for me. Well, if I shall, then I shall need my sister to accompany me on the pianoforte. So we can prove to you that tis a most holy instrument, good sir. Oh, shit. Hold on. Freddie's moving to his keyboard.

Oh no, okay. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I'll start and then you play along, okay? Okay, yes, yes, yes, very good. Come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant, to Bethlehem and Jesus is Lord. Okay.

Both of you roll. I had gloves on, though, so it was hella sexy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Roll with advantage because you did a thing. Yeah. He's like, you got a good sound. Yeah. I'm a manager. Yeah, yeah. I got a 10. Okay. Distaste for pianoforte. I'm going to do one roll because my piousness cancels out my bad at singing and doing music and knowing the words to the hymn. So I got 15. 15.

Wow. He looks at Fanny. Fanny. I don't know why that's the one I'm forgetting. He looks at Fanny and he goes, it was a very good idea, my dear, but I remain unchanged on my opinion of that devil's keys in the harpsichord. Very well, your loss. You seem to be a perfectly polite young lady. Now, as for you, my dear, dear Eurus, I could feel the very spirit of the Lord coming

but with slightly wrong lyrics coming through your throat. And as a very religious man myself, I think that we may have a little bit more to talk about. Yes, indeed. I do hope your interests run beyond the mere religious, because I'm a man of church and the church, but I'm a man of business and my business. Sir Martin Luther said that next to the word of God, the noble art of music is the greatest treasure in the world.

I didn't Google that either. Real shit stir that Martin Luther was. Yes, but we like him because we're not papers. Yeah, yeah. I love a good stirring of shit. But yes, I hope that you and I can meet again soon. Yes, and like Martin Luther, you can nail me to the wall.

I didn't say that. I didn't mean to say that. What was that? What was that? I heard you. Okay. With the coughing, yes. While I'm in the carriage, can I get, like, an advantage on stealthily writing an anonymous note of gossip? Because nobody's like... You could leave it in that carriage because it clearly belongs to someone else. Although we do know it belongs to...

The Rogan family. I think I want to drop it out the window and then roll it to Anthony and see which of the men pick it up. Oh, you're actually, you're writing something down on a piece of paper. I wrote it. Okay. That's why we can do props too. Yeah. Cool. It's like Carrot Top doing a lot of prop work right now. I'm a prop comedian just like Carrot Top. C-A-L-L-A-T-T. The person that people most compare Beth to is Carrot Top. Always.

Okay. I'm going to roll two dice. See if the suitors find it or if one of the Rogans runs across it. Oh, fuck. Uh-oh. Okay. Actually, I don't have to tell you. What? You wouldn't know who saw it, who got it, right? Fuck. Unless you want to sit there. Yeah, can we spy? Roll a see if you get spotted spying. Okay. Fuck.

I don't want to risk it. Are you still in the carriage? Yeah, but you got to get out of the carriage eventually. It's not your carriage. Okay, true. I'm helping her because I lived in the wild outback of America and I know how to hide bushes. I spent a summer tracking game across the great American West. I rolled a 17. Okay. So you are unseen and you witness...

Duke Colin Wilson, after he helps Desdemona into her carriage, he comes across a note. Darling, what did it say? Okay. And he goes...

You see him leap back from the letter almost as if it bit him, and he folds it up, and he pockets it for later use. Elizabeth, what did that say? So let's say you're all back at home now after the baller. I'm drunk. Yes, what did you say? You mean you're...

Drunk as a wheel, bro. Yes, indeed. Or a standby. Standby. Jug-bitten, one might say. My dear sisters, I fucking crashed and burned at that party. It was quite a fucking ordeal. Oh, no, dear sister, you did quite good till the Lord took hold of your senses. Oh, dear. You're trotting too hard. You're exhausting yourself. Bitch, you ruined my shit. No, I didn't. I spread a very fine rumor. If it wasn't for...

Fucking Cynthia was not there. We all would have been fucked. Completely. I know. But I managed to spread a very handsome rumor. What rumor did you spread, dear sister? I spread the rumor that I witnessed Cousin Alice kiss the family dog for seven uninterrupted seconds. Oh, yeah.

And because you rolled so well, A, Colin Wilson believes it, and B, that cannot be traced back to you. It is a tag that is on Alice that can be used against her to make her roll worse on like those things. It's a dog tag, you might say. We'll all show up at the next event with dogs in our hands and just like constantly put them near her.

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I have no prospects at the end of that, despite my ridiculous skill at the pianoforte. Sisters, I believe I have two gentlemen interested in me, and... How about you share some, you fucking bitch? I was about to say! If I pick one, the other naturally would be so crestfallen and heartbroken that... A rebound, if you will. A rebound, as they say in the colonies. He's just not that into you, as they say in the...

Oh, kill me. So what are the things we can do in free time? Yes, so you are basically now in a free time. So you know that the next event that's going to be coming up is a masquerade charity event. You're going to be wearing masks and whichever person donates the most money is going to get a generosity positive trait when you go to that event. But until then, each of you get to do

Two actions, two free time actions, and they can be essentially anything you can think up. But if you have the rules in front of you, you can go to free time actions. There's a lot of suggestions there for things that you can do that will give you positive traits. Many of them will allow you to heal MP. You can also try to do research on the Rogans. While all of you have dirty secrets, the Rogans also have dirty secrets, each of them.

And the Rogans will in turn get, you know, four actions to try to find things out about you. Just as an example of some things that you can do to improve yourself, you could practice singing in the pianoforte to get a musician reputation and heal 1d10 worth of marriage potential. You could visit someone's house for one-on-one conversation with them. That includes any of the Rogans and also any of the bachelors. You can try to do sneaky stuff while you're at that house and so on and so forth. Can we research the bachelors too? Yes, absolutely. You can research the bachelors to find out how much they like

Anyone, basically. You can talk to the staff in their home and find out, you know, all the rumors about them. So any one of you can go first, and then Amanda can go second, and then we'll go back. You can go fox hunting. My first thing is I would like to suss out Philomena's terrible secret. Okay. And to do that, I'm going to linger around church, where I blend in. Confession! Be the confession! Yes, I'm going to hide in the confessional and wait for her to come in for confession. Okay, great.

Do they do confession in non-Catholic churches? No. Do they do it in this church for this scene because it's fun? Uh-huh. Yep. They just invented it just for these Protestants. Wow. The Protestants? Papists? Protestants. Papists are the opposite of Protestants. I don't know what any religion is. I don't know. Yeah, well, it's a Papist. Papist is a Catholic. Oh, it sounds like a piece of paper. Because they're all, you know, fucking got that Pope up their ass and they just can't shake it. Oh, okay. Fine. Okay, so, yeah, just this one time they decided, let's have a fun confessional booth thing. Let's be naughty. Oh.

It was like a sleepover. It's kind of like making fun of Catholics, too. You know what I mean? It's hilarious. Wouldn't it be crazy if you had to talk to a guy instead of to God to talk about the stuff? So the preacher, I presume it would be Father Unworthy, he's like, look at this silly thing Catholics do. This is delightful. Oh, this is going to be so funny, all these secrets. Okay, okay. But before I get to the confessions, oh, quite a line today. Oh, my dear. I'm going to go pop in the loo with the water closet as well. Can't wait to marry.

So I'll be right back. For a moment, the confessional is open if you want to try to sneak in. So yes, I would like to slip into the confessional and then I'm going to put the little sign that says the priest is in. Yeah, like Lucy from Peanuts on the door. Sure enough, after you have to listen to a couple of people who are just cheating on their wives. Uh,

Was it Alice you were trying to find out the secret? No, Philomena. Philomena. Her rival in poorly known. Yes, fellow sickly Philomena. Go ahead and describe Philomena entering the confessional. Philomena is carried to the confessional by, you know, a manservant on her little cushion and arranged artfully in a sort of sad half drape against the back of it. And with her big, big eyes all downcast and her sad little pale little throat like shivering with her breath and just really like,

Here's your chance to kill her, sister. Speak, my child. Unburden yourself. I have to say, the coming out ball was quite a disappointment in the end, really. Really? Yes. I'm afraid I was so terribly weak and meek and uninteresting that another girl ended up being even more weak and uninteresting than I was.

Ah, it is a sign from God that you should abandon the season and devote yourself to spinsterhood. All right. Go ahead and roll to see if you can convince her of that. And then you will make an opposed roll, Amanda. This is very unpious, what I'm doing. Yeah, I feel like it's disadvantage because it's against what you believe in. I got three. Okay, just roll higher than the three, Amanda. Uh.

That would be a 16. Ooh, tough blow. So yeah, you do not have to acquiesce to that suggestion, but you also do not yet know that this is not the priest. I don't think so.

Mostly because I need to wed quite badly, as do all of my sisters, and also, of course, my cousin, though her perhaps not so badly as me and my sisters. And why is that? Because what else is there for us to do? Well, that's a good point, but I was thinking, is there like a terrible reason that you must...

He married so desperately. A reason more terrible? Listen, this is a confession. You're supposed to say bad stuff you did. Oh, well, I did have rather unkind thoughts about the other poor sickly girl who was there. LAUGHTER

Really? Her coughing was so rather indelicate and quite garish. And I felt so terribly bad for her because it was so humiliating and embarrassing and uncomfortable to watch. And also, of course, we are billing her family for £300. It will cost to replace my dress. I'm not sure if they'd proceed that. Well, I bet the dress looked ugly on you anyway, so it's not much of a loss for me.

Okay, roll. Both of you roll you with disadvantage to see if you can maintain this ruse. I got a two. All right. Oh, no. 15. Okay. You know that something is awry. May I ask father?

Is this your first time doing this sort of thing? Because I'm not sure you're very good at it. Well, that's the whole point is we're doing a goof on the papists. Don't you remember? Are you too stupid to remember that? And I went out trying. Okay, I feel like you don't even have to roll for this. You did this in front of a line of people. Oh, no!

So go ahead and give a little note on your character sheet that you're a liar or that you're a blasphemer. You're a holier-than-thou blasphemer. Okay. Okay, so that was one of your free time actions. Is there any free time actions that the Rogans would like to do? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. All right, let's see here. Lady Desdemona will use hers to visit the Duke's home.

To deposit a gift for him. Shit, we should have done that. God damn it. Of course, she goes when she knows that he will be there, but she does not ask to see him. She merely requires admittance so that she can bring it herself by hand. And if they run into each other, she'll be it. Okay, let's roll to see if you run into each other.

He got a six. Eight. That means you run into him. Your Grace. Oh. Deepest of bells. Oh, Lady Desimone, it is quite a pleasure to see you so soon. And a truly wonderful surprise to see you as well, Your Grace. I only start by your magnificent home. So large. It gets me from A to B. His home? Yes.

It's a primary joke. From one end of your home to the other. She gets it. That's why she has a high score with me right now. Fabulous. Yes, no, I only wish to bring you this arrangement of flowers that I, of course, designed and presented myself and this piece of hand embroidery to accompany them.

The piece of embroidery is, of course, an extremely elaborate orchid, and the bouquet is a whole lot of, like, big spiraling lilies and other things that could possibly be seen as being vaguely suggestive. This is like watching the Harlem Globetrotters play. Yeah.

Yeah, this was a lost cause. We should probably just say abandon that one. I think Freddie was right when we started by saying we gotta kill them. They just had to kill them. You can absolutely do that. Two more events in the season.

season let's go yeah all kinds of things could happen in a masquerade ball uh okay so he takes from me goes oh oh thank you thank you so much and so his opinion of you changes for the better i can just be frank about that you'll grace and she takes her fucking leave because the bitch knows when to bounce all right now the underdogs i want to go okay i

I would like to... I'm just going to lay all the cards on the table. I want to sneak into their kitchen and poison one of them. LAUGHTER

One of the Rogans. One of the Rogans? Yeah, one of the Rogans. Are you targeting one of them or you don't care? I'm going to target Jane. I'm going to target Jane. Oh, no. Wait, the perfect one? Yes. Is she going after Colin? Dude, you're a fool. If Jane gets sick, she'll be unstoppable. Oh, fuck. No, this isn't like sick poison. This is dead poison. I'm trying to give them like leprosy or something.

Okay. Anthrax. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Anthrax. There's, there's a lot of dead cows probably around that have anthrax. And you're not hot when you have anthrax. Are you? No. Okay. You're dead when you have anthrax. Okay. Did you not see the power of the dog? Like any disease where they're not hot. Are you trying to kill them? You're not trying to kill her. You're just trying to make her not hot. Not hot. Can't breathe sister. Huddle. Yeah. You seem to have quite a bit of. Should I kill them or should I ill them? Oh.

gonna pretend I didn't hear this conversation and go pray. So I go pray. Well, sister, I mean, if you kill somebody, you can't take that back. But take a hand in marriage if I don't kill them. Oh.

I say you kill them. I have found that killing people have solved my problems in the past. What's that system? Nothing. I've just, yes. My dear sister, desperate times do call for desperate measures. So I think you should apply as much force as you see fit in the situation. And in this case, I think it's quite a bit. Yes. So to get into the kitchen, I will be masquerading as a man who cooks. There's a word for that.

A chef. A chef boy, if you will. Let's roll to see if you can sneak in as a man that cooks. A chef boy. Your name is R.D., Robert Downey. Robert Downey's chef boy. They caught you. I got a one. Oh, no! Okay, so Jane sees you as you're approaching the manor. Like on the path outside. Hello, Jane. So...

Elizabeth, may I call you Lizzie? I really have to tell you this is the most wonderful surprise because I was just coming home to change so I could be presentable when I called around to your house to see you. Oh, yes, and what were you going to see me about?

I know things were quite strange and difficult. Quite strange and difficult. And confusing at the coming-out ball, weren't they? Quite confusing, yes. Emily, the thing is, I know our families don't at all get along, don't agree. They don't, but... I was so hoping that you and I could still be friends. Oh!

This is turning a natural 1 to a natural 20, baby. That was even worse. Now she just really likes her now. You're just holding a bottle of stolen crossbow. Yeah, you have the poison on you. It looks like a bottle of... What does the poison look like, Beth? It's like a person's head on a bottle. And it just looks, like, fleshy and awful. Where are you going dressed as a boy and holding this grotesque bottle? Well, it's...

is a masquerade bowl and so I was thinking about the mask we wear in life in life and in love you are so tremendously insightful Elizabeth I am so glad we're going to be such tremendous friends we're going to be tremendous friends would you like to settle this friendship over a meal perhaps

I myself am studying to be a tremendous cook and I would love to prepare something for you. Your family allows you to study as though you might take a vocation. Ah, yes. What the fuck are you doing, Anthony? Anthony's going over to Amanda and whispering something in her ear. I would be

Damn. Okay.

So Jane leads you into her lovely home. It's fucking dope. It's dope. It's dope as shit. They have more money than you do. They got a trampoline room, dog. This is my crib. I slept in it until I was three. God damn it. Someday I hope my own children will sleep in it also.

Oh, how lovely to think about. We all make such a journey from the cradle to the grave. Oh, but Elizabeth, our journey's only just begun. There's so much ahead of us to enjoy. There is. The future. The future. The future, Elizabeth, is a wonder. It's a wonder and a mystery. Isn't it? So a male cook comes out of the kitchen and goes...

The pasta, it didn't, it burned. There's nothing to eat tonight. Oh, no. Mario, that's terrible. It is. But it's okay. We won't sack you and send you away without reference because we would never do that. You're funny. Oh, Jane, your generosity means the world to me. Thank you, Mario. How about... Mario, why don't you and Wario show Miss Elizabeth? Ah!

Would it be my pleasure? Come with me, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, this is our drink cabinet. Don't worry, I'm going to wine your glasses. Don't worry. I'm going to wine. Did I hear correctly from the missus that you wanted to make some food for the two of you, a very intimate friendship dinner? Yes.

Yes, of course, if that would be all right, of course. Oh, whatever the lady likes, the lady gets. And Jane has been so kind to all of us for so long. She has such a big heart. Will the not fall in love with Wario, the sexy Italian servant? I think we're the bad guys. Hold up, hold up. Is Wario, like, single and, like, eligible? Take a look, Beth.

fucking Google it, Freddie. Well, no, it's this character. Is this character Wario? Is Wario single? Here's one of the... Are these characters... Are the two chefs single? Google says, meanwhile, Wario appears only to be married to his wealth. Actually, he's married to his wealth.

I was going to just flip a coin, but I think that speaks everything. He goes, I'm a man to my work. I love making food for Jane. I love making a very small amount of money that keeps me in poverty. What a delight. But I mean, I'm open to maybe somebody coming into my life. You might say it's a living. Somebody really makes me go, wow.

So fun. What did you want to cook? We could teach you how to use all the different things in the kitchen because you don't, if I may be frank, you look like someone who's been cooked for, not who does the cooking themselves. You're quite right in that observation. And yet I prefer to be a solo learner. Nobody around really watching me learn. Go ahead and make a roll so you can convince them to leave you alone. Fucking hell, four.

Okay. Mario goes, it would make me a little bit more comfortable for your own comfort and your safety if I was here for you. Is that okay, Lady Mrs. Jane? It's absolutely fine with me. Just make sure to give Elizabeth, you know, room in the kitchen. I want to make sure that her vision and her real attempt at making something beautiful to signify the start of our bosom friendship goes unfettered. But of course, we do not want to burn the house down. So yes, Wario, please, please stay on hand and help her in any way she desires. I'm sorry.

I do like parrots. I'll go get the trained parrots and I'll have them do a delightful dance for us before we eat. Oh, yay! Of course. I love the parrots. I'm so happy they don't talk, too. They just do the dancing. LAUGHTER

So Wario goes in the corner and crosses his arms. And he goes, okay, go nuts with your food. I'm just here to make sure nothing gets set on fire. So go ahead, whatever you want to make. Now that it is just the two of us, what would you want most in this thing we call life? Oh, money, money, money, money. For sure. And what would you want second most?

I mean, I would just list other things money can buy, I guess. I mean, maybe a friendly companionship, someone to grow old with. Mostly just to win. To win. To win. I'm a warrior, I want to win. I want to get all the money. I want to feel like I'm a success. I want Lady Jane to be happy. I want to win. What if I told you that winning could be maybe working for another team? No.

You're trying to... You want me to cook for you? Well, yes, or just be okay with what I cook. I have some peculiar recipes, you might say. Oh, I mean, you can cook whatever you want. Again, I'm just... I'm here to give you freedom. I'm just here to make sure that the place doesn't burn down. Okay, in that case, I'm making poison ravioli for one. For what now? I'm making poison ravioli for one. A very special dish. Is that a French thing? Oh!

Yes. Okay. But they hate the French. Wait, for one, but you're eating, you gotta, you gotta make it two, right? You're making, you eat with her. Oh, yes, but I, I just like to call it for one. And then I make a, That's a funny thing to do. And then if we're hungry after,

I also make a non-poison ravioli. A mean non-poison, but it's less mean if you think about the lack of poison. Okay, I'm just gonna... Actually, that's what I call it. I call it my mean ravioli and then my less mean ravioli. Okay. I guess you could go to work then. I will. And I'm still wearing this outfit. Oh, you want me to get you an apron?

Oh, no. I appreciate it, though. You just stay right there and don't think anything of it. Okay. I was prepared to tie it around you and then get really close and be like, oh, what's that smell? Oh. I turned into a strong bad. Oh. But no, okay. I'll wait here. Go ahead. Go ahead and make the food. Since he's letting you do it, I don't think you have to roll. You can just make whatever. Okay. What do you make for her?

I make ravioli. Okay, you make ravioli, and one of them is poison. And one of them is poison. Okay. And I have a bowl for me that's not poison. Okay, and you're going for lethal amounts of poison. I'm going for... Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. Then do whatever you want to. The scene is yours, Beth. I don't think it should be. No.

Then Jane, Jane, Jane, you can come in and you see these two plates of ravioli. Wait, how much poison do you want in it, Beth? You said lethal. I put a couple cups of poison. All right, so a lethal amount. One of them is lethal, one of them is not. Oh, it smells so wonderful in here. Oh,

Lizzie, look at that. It's beautiful. Oh, thank you. I did my best. Why don't you have this one? Yes, I will. And Jane lifts both bowls and like whisks them back up the stairs like, come, come, you must see the dining room. Oh, I will. You head to the dining room. The dining room is beautiful. It's got a very long table like the one Bruce Wayne's at in Batman when he's talking to Kim Basinger. Oh, I'll be on this one.

There's a bunch of waitstaff waiting there just in case you need anything at all. And don't forget the parrots. And a big flock of parrots comes down from their little perches and they do a beautiful sweeping back and forth balletic dance. Is that really a thing they have? What the fuck does it matter to you? All right, fair enough. Fucking question me. The parrots come down and do a big swooping dance. Also, no, obviously, that has not been anything I've ever had. Are you serious? You could have sold

I 100% believe it. Regency parrot shows were quite the attraction. I believe it hardcore. Okay, so yeah, you see that entertaining and wonderful tableau and then... Wait a second. Beth, did you maintain line of sight on which ravioli was poisoned? I put one in a red bowl and one in a blue bowl. Okay. Which was which?

Oh, damn it. I just did it. The red one is poison. One of the footmen brings Elizabeth and the Red Bull. What you see, you see, um, Jane. Yes.

I yell louder. I couldn't possibly have this bowl. You must have this bowl. Oh, but they're both wonderful bowls. Look, it's so good. And Jane takes a big bite of the ravioli in her blue bowl. Don't you see? Red is my favorite color. And yes, you are a friend that I tend to worship and love. I give you the red bowl. I give my friendship and affection for you.

All right. So Jane takes one more bite, like finishes off the ravioli that's like on her fork because it's fucking good, to be fair. And like gestures to the footman is like, I'm so sorry. Do I get like points for cooking? Yeah, go ahead. Well, the reputation that you will get. I think reputation is good cooking. Hope that murderer doesn't bounce out so bad. Okay, so the footman comes by and goes, oh yes, of course. I shall now switch the bowls.

That the Lady Jane may have the blue ball.

No, no, no. I need the red one now. You need the red one now. And she needs the blue one. Even though I did just eat from it. Actually, you know what? I'm so sorry. Wait one moment. And Jane takes the bowls back and she like scoots some into the other bowl so that they're even now because she ate some from hers and she doesn't want to be like rude to her guests. So she scoots some from the blue bowl into the red bowl? No, from the red bowl into the blue bowl. So here you go. And he puts the blue bowl down in front of Elizabeth and the red bowl down in front of Jane. Yes! Well, how

a bite? You know, the terrible thing is that I just did have two rather large bites from the first board. Of course. I'm quite terribly full. I don't usually eat food this heavy. It's so delicious, but I can't possibly have another. Oh, you know what? I'm sure Warrior would love to taste that. No!

My ears are burning. Somebody say my name. Yes, I did. I'm sorry. I find him ever so charming. Isn't he just? We called you. I was wondering if you could go fetch that apron. I just want to feel like a chef even after I prepare the meal. So just go take your time looking for it. Okay. I've been wearing this one. Do you want mine? No.

I want one that is kept far away. It is something that would take a while to fetch. Well, that's not going to... I mean, I live to serve. To me, that is a weaning. You live to serve slower, I was wondering. Roll a d20. It's like a Hitchcock movie. Five. He goes, I'll be back in the two shakes of a go-kart...

I'll be jacking two blue sparks. And he runs down and he gets another apron and he puts it on you. Great. Let's celebrate. Time to dig in. Champagne. Yes. Perfect. Your butler brings you champagne. It was champagne for the lady. It is from Champagne, France, so it is not sparkling wine. Well, we certainly wouldn't call it champagne if it wasn't. Silly. Silly. Silly. Silly. Silly. Oh, Jinx, you owe me a champagne.

Good news, we have some. Yay! Oh, we're such good friends.

I say that on three, we count to three and then we each take a big mouthful of ravioli. Ready? One, two, three. And Elizabeth takes, to be fair, a giant forkful of ravioli and shoves it in her mouth. You die. No. Your throat constricts. The poison works its way through your blood. Hold up. I did not swallow it.

That's not how poison works. She's just holding it in her mouth. If she put it in the ravioli, she hasn't broken the skin of the ravioli. Okay, never mind. Yeah, I hold it in my mouth and I wait for Jane to take a bite. What does Jane do? Jane's like, all right. And she like takes a little fork and raises it to take a bite and makes a little gesture with her head and her hand. And then one of the parrots swoops down and steals the ravioli. Oh my God.

I forgot that I am lactose intolerant. Spit out the ravioli. Okay, so with your natural one coming in here, Jane knows everything you were trying to do and has known the entire time. And the parrot probably drops dead. Yeah, the parrot immediately drops dead. Oh, he must be lactose intolerant too. That's why they say you can't throw rice anymore. It's a shame, really. I didn't know those two things were related at all or what rice throwing is about. But that's terrible.

Poor Pietro. Well, I best be going. Okay. So...

I guess, Jane, it's up to you. Would you tell people that someone tried to murder you? Certainly not. Okay. I like that. She does make sure she, like, rushes up to her before she leaves and, like, catches both of her hands and she's like, I do hope the events of this evening won't sully our friendship. They won't at all. I can't wait to come back under better circumstances, if possible. Yeah.

Yes. All right. So no change for any character there. Nobody gets any more tags or anything like that. Actually, I guess you got good cooking. You're good at cooking ravioli. Things are going well. Yeah, I guess. Italian cooking with Wario. Yeah. Okay. It is once again a Rogan's turn to take a free time action. Oh, God. Yeah. That was a whole episode. I love it.

That was intense. Okay, so Philomena goes to the Modiste and gets a new spectacular dress. Great. And spends a truly obscene amount of money on new pantaloons. Okay, so you can give yourself a tag that you've got great pantaloons from Philomena. God damn it! You're so good at this! And at the Modiste, because everybody goes to the Modiste, if you want to, you can roll with advantage to learn gossip about another character. Oh!

Oh, wow. Yes, please explain Modiste, Amanda. So Modiste is where we all go to be fitted for our gowns that we might make the best impression of the ton when we go out to pawn it. You know Men's Warehouse? Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah. But Frenchie, because again, even though we're at war with them, obsessed with that good, good friendship. You're going to like the way I gossip. Ooh, 18. Okay, so who did you want to learn gossip about? Philomena wants to know the circumstances of the death of that one husband. Cynthia Nixon's husband. Cynthia Nixon's husband. So can you give us a vague...

Bit of information about the death of Cynthia Nixon's husband. In the War of 1812, Cynthia Nixon's husband was nowhere near any battles, but fell down a mine shaft.

And happened to, when they found him at the bottom, also had fencing foil in his stomach. Which was obviously down there. He fell onto it. He fell onto it. It was a story. It smelled like ladies' perfume. Yes. Great. That is now leverage you can use when speaking with Cynthia Nixon in future that will give you advantage in roles against her and stuff.

Anyone of the Mothman? I'll do two quick ones. First, I want to... It's not on here, but can I go to the... I want to see if there's any American police officers that have shown up in the city. LAUGHTER

As one might to hunt down a fugitive black widow so to speak. Yeah, I just want to know if any of those... If anybody has shown up asking for... Yeah, Pinkerton. It would be Pinkerton. Okay. Anybody investigating a death of a certain husband. Okay. Pinkertons were in the 50s, but it's okay. There were Pinkertons in the Old West times, right? Ah, but Old West times was 1850s and stuff. Go ahead and give me a roll to see if you spot anybody potentially.

I got seven. Okay, so you don't see anybody, but someone sees you. Well, you don't know if somebody sees you. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Is it a handsome, eligible lawman? My point is, I think I go to the police for some bullshit reason, and then I talk about how much I miss Americans. Like, oh, if only there was another American around. Have you seen any Americans? And they go...

What business is that of yours? Anthony's like snooty British. So no, I don't find out. You don't find out. They don't tell you. The second thing I want to do is... Did you see a big wanted poster? But it's you wearing a cowboy hat because you're in the colonies. So they're like, that can't be her. I want to go to the confessional with my future husband, Father...

What's his name? Father Unworthy. Father Unworthy. He's out of the bathroom at this point. So I go in there, and I am going to... He goes, what sins have you committed, my dear? Don't tell me your name. I don't need to know. It's meant to be anonymous, but give me the juice. Well, howdy. I, of course, wouldn't tell you my name. Oh, howdy. Oh, oh.

I do believe someone has dropped a little bit of information and I, being wise beyond my years, have picked up on it. I've been having very... I won't tell. I won't tell this story. Lustful thoughts. Lustful thoughts. And I slowly slip my unclothed foot under the...

under the confessional so you can see those tombs. Oh my god. Okay. You know, I swear to the Lord, there's a wicker and you just see this big, I think it's a bird's crib and wicker around socks. I feel like they're kind of like those hot, like this, like a tempered. What, like our bathrooms?

Yeah, because it's like a temporary setup because this is just a parody, so it's very local theater version of a confessional. Okay, so what we're going to do is we're going to do two roles. One for him enjoying it, because he's going to enjoy it. We've established that he likes your feet. So he has gained a certain amount of affection for you. There's a part of my body I'm so proud of, but I can only share it if I'm married. But the...

I rolled to see if there are people around and there are a lot of people around. In the confessional? In the line for the confession. Okay. So you're going to be seen. I got a big dress though. Okay, but they saw you in line and then they saw feet coming out. No, no, no, because the confessional is two separate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they saw a person that looks like you go in. You didn't come in disguised, did you? No, he didn't show his feet to the room. It's like there's a door to the confessional. Oh, you're talking about the dividing.

Yes. Like I slip my feet under. The partition. I thought you were doing like the curtains and you were like, bing. No, no, no. I misunderstood. Just to him. Okay. So yes, stealthily, you show your feet to him and he goes, oh, she's been here. Oh, fuck.

Come on. This is a house of worship. It's a marriage of necessity. This is a house of worship, which is very appropriate because that is what I wish to do to the digits before me. Oh my God. I've been thinking about a name for a son. Quentin? How does that feel? So yes, you've successfully seduced a father unworthy, even further. Wow, congrats. There we go. Even deeper in the paint for you. What a win. Rogans. Oh, Rogan time.

Okay, Lady Alice is going to pay someone to do like an anonymous cartoon, political cartoon. A ribald political cartoon. That makes it very clear she does not kiss dogs. Absolutely.

Describe that cartoon. If you can describe that cartoon to my satisfaction, it will take. Okay. So it's a picture. It's an etching of the debutante ball with all of the people standing around in the long red carpet and the queen on her dais holding her little dog in her arm. And it shows Al

Alice in like a perfect, perfect, beautiful, deep curtsy with the little dog leaning forward being doing a little dog licky face. And Alice's head is just like coyly turned away and the little like, you know how they like write the opinion of shit like into the, so on the feather that's on her head as part of her debutante outfit, it says, nay, I shall lick thee none. Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me? God damn it! God damn it! Shit!

Amanda. Ooh, yeah. Completely undid your whole rumor shit. Everybody sees that and they go like, another banger meme. Oh, they go, yeah, they share that shit so bad. People are like erasing the thing on the feather and adding themselves. They're like, me. They're like, they're fucking, oh. Check yourself on the dog's tongue. It's so good that even people who hadn't heard the rumors, like, was there something weird about her kissing dogs? Like, yeah, but it's not true. Did you see it? Yeah. Oh,

Yeah, they have never been more sure that Alice Card does not kiss dogs. Oh, my God. Okay. I'm going to use mine. Daryl Hannah, the soldier. Okay. I assume probably hangs out. So I'm going to don a disguise and go in a little cross-dressing, perhaps, to go in and play ribald songs on the piano at the soldier's tavern, like the one where all the cool soldiers hang out.

The Gentleman's Club? The Officer's Club? Ooh, the club. One of my things, and this is all, I'm more than happy to share it, is that I love ribald music. And so I wish to pen a saucy tune. So I know some of the greatest hits off the top of my head. You know, like, She's my cherry pie.

Cool drink of water, my sweet surprise. Like all the bangers, you know? Okay. For example, I've actually pulled up a banger. Does it have banger in the title? You see a masked man in the background and when you come in, he says, play Salieri. No.

And it's Will. It's Will Campos. There's a song called A Lusty Young Smith that was very popular at the time. Love that. Yeah. So I started singing and playing a lusty... A lusty young smith at his vice stood a-fiddling, his hammer laid by, but his forge still aglow. If you want to...

Do what you just did. Yeah, I do. We'll roll normally for the amount of affection Daryl Hannah gains for you. Well, no, so I want to learn more about this guy actually through this action. Oh, so you're not doing it to court him. You're spying on him. No, no, no, I'm spying on him, but I'm going into the officer's, you know, the soldier's club. This guy is a man. This guy is a man. I'm playing ribald tunes on the piano. So roll a d20 with advantage because you are good at the harpsichord.

11 again, man. I'm cursed. It's fine. You needed a 10. It's fine. Okay. So you hear Daryl Hannah playing whist with the boys and he's pretty good at it. And he's talking about what Napoleon might do next. He's been reading a lot of interesting novels and stories. He's a fucking what books were they reading around then? The Bible. The Bible. Yeah.

Really? Just the Bible? It really depends if you were a man or a woman. If you were a woman, you were reading Forsyth services that were like, don't be a hoe. And if you're a guy, you're reading whatever the fuck you wanted, including journals. Okay, Jules Verne and H.G. Wells were writing around this time. There you go. You hear that he's a big fan of The Time Machine and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Taking notes, big nerd. Yeah, he's kind of a big nerd. He loves fighting. He loves getting into scraps. You see him actually cheating at Wist.

He's a bit of a scamp. It's like cards. It is literally cards. They're playing cards against humanity. I believe I win jerking off into a pool of babies too.

And they go, oh, Gerald, I know you always play that card. You always draw jerking off into baby's tears. What can I say? I'm a jerking off into a pool of baby's tears kind of gentleman. The guy pulls a gun out and he looks at him and he puts down jerking off with a baby in his hand. He puts the card on the table and he's like, how are there two of these cards? You bastard! And that's how he stabbed to death in front of you. Uh,

So yeah. His spring loaded dead baby's card just out of his hand. So he has a handful of five jerking off for the video. Next time we gotta play What Do You Mean?

Okay, so from spying on him, you can tell that approaches that will work with him are he likes fighting, geopolitics, schemes, honor, adventure novels and stories, and up-tempo music. Those are the things he finds most interesting in life. Okay, so I'm, by the way... He's a young Fox News viewer.

Over the course of obviously playing these ribald songs and observing the officers and the soldiers in this club, I'm getting progressively more and more drunk. So I feel like I should, you know, as a South, I should feel like I should roll to see if my cover gets blown. Okay, go for it. Five. Yeah, you are recognized. Somebody goes, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Hold on, hold on. That ribald song was a little bit too ribald for my liking. Soldier, what's your name?

soldier name and rank and serial number soldier soldier boy one tell me my serial numbers what are numbers I forgot to learn numbers somebody rips off your whip hand flashback all the way back to what are numbers mommy well

You'll never need to learn those. Just find a man. He'll tell you all the numbers that matter. Oh, yes, mommy. They rip your wig off or whatever, your hat that you're using to disguise yourself. And it becomes obvious. That's, but that's, that's Fanny Mothman. And Daryl Hannah like turns and goes, Fanny Mothman, you were at the coming out. Oh, what are you doing here? I'm moonlighting here. I'm going to try and like just run out. Okay, you can run out, but you're going to take some MP loss. So go ahead and roll a d20. Definitely fuck that up.

But you learn something. Nine. So you lose nine MP. But you know he likes Jules Verne now. Yeah, great. And can I just do my second action right here? Go for it. I like to learn how to cheat at cards. Who can I go for that? Oh, I want to find like a magic shop. Okay. Yeah, dude! Yeah, there's a magic shop. You're going to be writing the witchcraft line pretty hard, though, depending on how good you are at this magic. So Howard Thurston has a magic shop, an illusionist shop that you find.

Mr. Thurston, I know you are one of the richest men in the world. However, would you take it upon yourself to maybe teach me how to cheat at cards? Why don't you roll a d20 and we'll find out. 16. You know what? There's something about you, madam. Ah, a boobs man, I see. You know what? Two somethings about you. Come on in, I'll teach you a thing or two about hiding cards. Non-sexually, I'm very happily married. So now you have card tricks, I guess, as a tag for yourself. Nice.

Amanda, you have one more person, right? That would be Lady Jane. Lady Jane. The perfect one. The perfect one. The perfect one. The forgiving one who didn't tell everyone you tried to murder her. I don't think that's forgiveness. She's holding on to that. I know. She did let that parrot take the bullet for her. Yeah, she's playing the ultimate game. That parrot had it coming. Pietro's not pulling his fucking weight in that act. Lady Jane...

takes a highly visible promenade with, of course, her ladies-made chaperone through Regent's Park. You didn't even need to say that. I was about to say, did she bring her chaperone? And I knew that would come up. And she is going to rescue a...

bird with a broken wing, whether it had one when she found it or not is not important. She's going to rescue a little bird with a broken wing and make, you know, it's a very big sweet moment and she like takes off her modesty kerchief, which is a whole thing. She removes her fichu and like gently tucks it around the bird and carries it like in her bonnet so her hair is like trailing in a way that should be technically improper but is of course very sweet and beautiful and brings it back to her carriage and abandons her promenade early to go care for the poor wounded birdie.

Great. So you get the additional tag. Everybody at this grass. We're all playing basketball and Amanda's seven feet tall. We're all four feet and we don't know what a ball is. So yeah, you get a tag that is big hearted, kind to animals, whatever you like. That is a known thing about you. Did I lose MP for running out crying from the confessional, by the way?

You didn't make me roll for it. Well, no, because he didn't see you do it. Yeah, nobody saw you. No, people did. People saw it. Also, you're so weak and small. I feel like a small tender woman running out confessional crying is pretty fair. You didn't lose MP for it. You just got a reputation of being a blasphemer. Some people might be into that. Oh, yes. I would like to spread a rumor about Philomena that she's getting better at math.

Okay. Stupid.

So there's three ways that you can spread a rumor. You can do it anonymously, which means you have to make a D20 roll with disadvantage. But if it doesn't catch on, it doesn't come back to you. You can do it personally by going and telling somebody. So you make a normal D20 roll. But if you fail, then you get a shit stir tag for yourself. Or you can do it personally with a bribe. You can spend a hundred pounds. You don't have to make a D20 roll. The rumor sticks. But if somebody happens to see the money exchange take place, it can come back on you. Oh,

And you have 500 pounds amongst all of you. You can spend that 100. You want to spend a hundo? I want to spend a hundo. Even if we're down 300, if what Amanda said is true. I love my sister so much. Let's just spend that hundo. Okay, so you spend 100 pounds. Who are you going to give this letter to? I give the letter to a disreputable doctor. Okay. It's a warrior. A warrior loves money more than anything. Oh, okay.

I ask him to give it to his brother, Dr. Mario. Technically, he does have a doctorate in our home country. And you'll be happy that she's getting better. Yeah. Because he cares about the family. Yeah. I would do this for free, but thank you. I love money. Yeah, thank you for this. I'm a warrior. I'm going to spread this rumor. And so, everyone... Mario, so you too.

card. Oh, I am. My heart is too big. Everyone in the taunt now believes that Philomena is getting better. Making a miraculous recovery. I also send a congratulations on getting better card to Philomena. I've actually got that before she heard the rumor. She's like, what?

Bring me the paper. Okay, so Amanda, go ahead and write that negative tag for Philomena that people think she's getting better. Oh, God. And now, Beth, your final. I am also going to spend 100 pounds to spread a rumor. Philomena absolutely 100% sent a bill to that house to replace her wardrobe. No, we're not paying you. That's fine. I just want to know that there's not a $300 outstanding debt. Cynthia found it and she's holding on to it and none of the other sisters have seen it. Perfect.

fake's beautiful. Great, okay, cool. We're a net 90. I'm also going to spend 100 pounds for a rumor. What is the rumor and who are you going to give the money to? Is there a common person that's seen as trustworthy that the whole town would believe if somebody... The king.

Definitely not the king who is in fact legally insane and has not been seen in public for five years. So anybody but the king. The father. Klirgiman? Klirgiman or of course an actual gossip pamphlet of the Whistledown variety. Everybody read them and everybody believed them. Oh, everybody read them and everybody

believe in that. And because I'm paying, they believe in it. Oh yeah, it's like, you know what it is? You're buying a page in the ad and then the very bottom says, this is paid slander. But it's like, it makes it look like native advertising inside of it so it looks like it's part of it. It's got a very clickbaity thing on the top. Okay, cool. So yeah, you find a... Doctor's here. You find like an artful Dodger kid who's like, yeah, I work for ladies, whisper shits. Wait.

You got some hot goss to spread, do you? I do. All right, hand it over. Jane tried me so hard. LAUGHTER And she killed her. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

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in the family is going to like this patreon.com slash dungeons and dads we hope you've enjoyed thank you all for supporting and listening to us this year happy holidays happy new year and we will see all of you and well probably not all of you statistically some of you may die but the ones who survive will see you in 2023

Also, one of the things you can do during downtime is if you want to do research on what everybody's scores are and stuff like that. Oh, okay. You want to do research and learn literally anything about the research. The scores of our suitors, you mean? Yeah, so basically the way that it's working is I have a secret document that every suitor has a certain score for every one of you that they've interacted with.

and whoever has the highest is going to be the person that they want to marry and their affection is modified not just by how you behave but by what kind of things that they like and that'll modify the score on my end how do we gain mp there will be a lot of things you can do during uh the free time that can bring your mpk my question is when in terms of the secret being revealed is that too like we could reveal it to our sisters right yeah if you just reveal it to your sisters or people that you trust it doesn't count as it being revealed in society is when you

Yes, it's about the greater society knowing about it. Like in the Bridgerton, the fucking pamphlet that everybody gets. It's that kind of thing. Everybody knows that you have this secret or whatever. They also post the Bachelor scores in the pamphlet. Yeah, they track that every week. Nate Silver runs the... Oh my God.