BONUS: DADHAMMER 40,000
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hey there, we have just returned from our whirlwind European tour. Thank you to everyone who came out to support us in Ireland, the UK, Germany, Belgium, and the Netherlands. We had an incredible time, the cosplay at the shows were amazing, and the European energy was approximately twice the voltage of America, and that's an electricity joke.

While we recover from the tour, we have for you this week episode one of a miniseries that's been in the works for a while now, Dadhammer 40K, a Matt Arnold DM series set in the Warhammer universe. This, like Mountains of Dadness and Sons and Sons Ability, is the latest miniseries we do as bonus content on our Patreon. So if this tickles your fancy, part two and three will be available later on our Patreon. These miniseries are a chance for us to experiment with different game systems and formats. We've done four of them already, so check them out as well as ours.

of audio and video bonus content on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Please enjoy. We'll be back to season three in two weeks with a new episode on November 5th. We'll see you then.

For more than a hundred centuries, the emperor has sat immobile on the golden throne of earth. He is the master of mankind by the will of the gods and master of millions of worlds. He is the master of mankind by the will of the gods and master of the million of worlds. You should keep all this in and then keep stopping the music. But we'll get a good voice actor to do it. For more than a hundred centuries, the emperor has sat immobile on the golden throne of earth.

He is the master of mankind by the will of the gods, and master of the million worlds by the might of inexhaustible armies. He is a rotting carcass, writing invisibly with power from the dark age of technology. He is the carrion lord of the Imperium, to whom a thousand souls are sacrificed every day, and for whom blood is drunk and flesh eaten.

To be a person in such times is to be one amongst untold trillions. It is to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime imaginable. This is a tale of these times. If you wish to take part in this adventure, prepare yourself now. Forget the power of technology, science, and common humanity.

Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for there is no peace amongst the stars. Only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsty gods. The universe is a big place, and whatever happens, you will not be missed. This is Dadhammer 40k!

Welcome to the first episode of Dad Hammer 40K. This is a three-episode miniseries featuring new characters, a new world, a new rule set, and a new DM. Me, Matt Darnold. A new DM? A new DM, me. DMing in the name? Finally. Acclaimed player of Daryl Wilson and many other V-Ball PCs. How you all doing? Now it feels like you're looking at your dick here. It feels kind of weird, honestly. Matt's got a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step and a bulge in his pants right now. Wow. I'm just excited to play. Matt is fully manspread as he's recording this, by the way. Fully torn.

I've never seen two legs spread farther apart than Matt Arnold has them right now. Wow. Okay. Well, speaking of that new stance, we are also using a new system. Nice. That's why he's the best.

We are using the newer Warhammer system developed by Cubicle 7 Games. It's called Wrath and Glory. I'll try to explain the rules as they come up. The primary thing for those of you who are used to Dungeons & Dragons is to realize that we do not have any D20s, no D8s, no D10s, no 12s, no 4s. Those foul, heretical shapes of dice. We use only D6s in this, and your skills and everything require you to roll a certain number of D6s. One side for each son of the emperor, I

Oh, William. Oh, William, you really show your whole ass in the air. There are 20 sons and 18 parents.

Two we do not discuss. Six true sons. No, there's not. One for each of the six bravest sons. They're all brave. Oh, William. They're all very brave. All the ones who are loyal were brave. Truly, six of them must be the bravest. Oh, William, if you had read, as Matt has, all 50, how many books of the Siege of Terror? There are 64, 65 horse heresy books. Again, you know...

You know, it's not going to be the most rules heavy, but more or less we'll be rolling a bunch of D6s rather than one of another dice. And otherwise they should more or less play the same as what we normally do, which is these guys will, I'm sure, just fuck around every once in a while. I'll make them roll dice and they will live or die.

Let us begin with your lot in life. It is truly, utterly pathetic, even by the wretched standards of the Imperium of mankind. You do not live beneath the holy shadow of the Imperial Palace on Terra, nor do you fight with honor on the front lines of the Sabbath Crusade. Oh, crap. You don't even reside in one of the billions of hive cities scattered across the vast expanse of the Imperium. No, you, my friends, live on a solitary outpost with a hundred other damned souls on the remote dwarf planet Navus IV, and your entire life's purpose is to pick up

blood berries. Blood berry plants are twisted weed like brambles that cover every inch of your planet in a thick three foot carpet of thorns. If you push your way through the dense thicket fighting past the razor sharp thorns and enduring the acid they secrete, you begin the grueling task of harvesting the crimson berries wedged within the fibrous stems. It would seem madness to endure the sweat and blood required to harvest these foul smelling berries if it were not for the fact that they provide the exact hue of red needed for the sacred capes of the Minotaurs. One of the fiercest space marine chapters. There's I mean the

they don't have like synthetic dyes. They need the exact color of the blood berries. And so you harvest them. For failing to meet the Imperial provided quota would mean certain death. And you made this up? I made this up? This is really good. Oh, thank you. Yeah, it is.

No, I do. I mean it. Fortunately, these berries also provide just enough nutrition to keep you all alive. Necessary considering there's nothing else on this desolate planet and the Imperium delivers your rations once every few years. Rations, Matt. They're rations in the Imperium, Freddy. Unfortunately, the berries are also mildly poisonous. Not enough to kill you, but enough to make vomiting a daily ritual for the citizens of Navus 4. Though it is less severe now as the chemical process was discovered a few years ago to neutralize the poison.

As a side effect, however, the berries become a potent diuretic.

That's right. Spilling your guts from your mouth or your butt is the only choice the God Emperor has provided you on Navus 4. So basically we work and eat at a TGI Friday. Yes. Seriously, the toilet paper budget is huge here. I mean, wherever you vomit, it's a mess in there. And they say the God Emperor doesn't give with both hands. Now, welcome to a normal day on Navus 4. Y'all woke up at 4.30 in the morning as required by the screeching cries. How many hours a day are there on Navus 4? There are

24 what coincidence 29 yeah and only five hours of darkness oh no don't ask how that works it just does there's only five hours of darkness and 22 four hours of daylight so we work a 24 hour you work a 25 hour shift you sleep three hours a day and you have one hour to eat on navis 4

But you're all used to it. Yep, that's right. But we get up at 4 a.m. because we're on that grind set. Do we have any side hustles? Yes, Prefector Sigma grind set is actually here. Enough.

Stop chattering enough. So out across the muddy excuse for a town square, there's a single metallic administratum building. It's very different from all the other buildings because unlike it being covered in trash and whatnot, it is clad in an ornate gold engravings giving honor to the Imperium and the Emperor.

The voice came from a feeble old man covered in wires. He looks like a half robot. He's got a big cloak on. This feeble old man who stands in the front entrance is the sole Imperial administrator on the planet, the Prefector. You

You know him, though, as Slop. Slop? Yes, yes, my name is very funny. You always laugh at my name, Slop. Are we in like a village? All of you in the village gather around in the center of the town like you're supposed to at 4.30 in the morning. The town is already awake and everyone runs to the center of town like you do every morning because that's where you're given instructions by Slop.

However, slop being the master delegator and lazy bureaucrat he is depends on the local governor to give those instructions and deal with such matters in the morning. So.

slop looks at said governor Nordstrom rack Nordstrom rack. Okay. And we'll, this is actually Will's idea. So all the credit to you for this wonderful naming convention, but why don't you present the fact God with a fact that's right. And dad hammer, our facts are facts presented to the fact God fact for the fact God about Nordstrom rack.

is that she loves the God Emperor of Mankind. Nice, dude. And she's ready to make her way through the administratum and move her way up the ranks. Right now, she's governor of Navis 4. She's thinking maybe she could be governor of a slightly less shitty planet. Like maybe Navis 4. Get his ass ready. If she puts enough boot to ass on the fucking slouchy parasites that are not doing a good enough job. No.

All hail Prefector Slop. Oh, thank you. It's such a wonderful, wonderful privilege to get to wake up again and serve the emperor through you, Administratum Prefector Slop. May we all love and serve the emperor. Yes. Thank you, Nordstrom. Governor Nordstrom, I believe... There is no need to thank me. I serve the emperor in all ways. It is I who should be thanking you. Thank you. Fucking kiss ass. You're welcome.

But only thank the emperor. Never thank me ever again for anything. Nordstrom, what is this duty you wish to perform? Oh, that's right. Nordstrom Rack, who is in sort of the usual dingy, berry-stained, mud-soaked garb of her peers...

has added like two little imperial epaulettes that I received from the slain corpse of the previous governor to denote my official title. And I turned everyone in the village as I open up a little gunny sack that has a homemade flog in it. It's a sort of a cat of nine tails made out of the thorny bushes of the blood berries. And I say,

of the Imperium. It is I, your new governor, Nordstrom Rack. You all know me. Hi, I know all of you. Hi, hello. Hi, how's everyone doing? I yawn. What a great, can we give it, just before we get started, three cheers for the emperor? Hip hip!

Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! In the last one, I'm like looking at the prefect and be like, uh-huh, hooray! Yes. We have a saying in the administratum. Yes. If there is a problem that comes along, you must whip it. Ah!

Which is why we shall now begin the flogging. Vitamix, will you please bring forth the prisoner? Yes, yes. Slop is going to wave over the single security guard that's hiding in the crowd right now. I believe the security guard is played by Beth May. Beth, why don't you introduce your security guard?

Vitamix Blender. Oh, shit. Or Vitamix, as we Yanks would call him. Vitamix Blender. Vitamix works security. Pretty tough guy. But my fact for the fact, God, is that in the grim darkness of the future, there is only war.

But Vitamix is looking for love. Oh, OK. There's people looking for love. I like that. OK, I like Vitamix. I'm going to let Vitamix live. Hold on. Was Vitamix considered loving the emperor with every fiber of his being and heart? Yes, that's who you meant, right? Like sexually. Sexually, indeed. OK, Beth, why don't you tell us what Vitamix is doing now that he's been waved over by Nordstrom Rack?

you see a sturdy frame of a man looking at the scene in front of him, but also talking to himself mysteriously, but also looking towards Nordstrom Rack in a exchanging glances sort of way, but talking to himself like, okay, okay, right, okay, okay. So I was, I was thinking that you and me, we could, um, we could, um, blood berries together and,

I was thinking, like, I could be your security, but forever. Vitamix. Yes, yes, sir. Bring the fucking prisoner. Of course, of course, sir. To the governor. You there. Yes. Juiciest Lucius. Okay. Juiciest Lucius is obviously played by Freddie Wong. Freddie Wong, do you give me a quick fact for the fact, God, for Juiciest? Juiciest Lucius is a bit of an inventor.

And what Juiciest Lucius has figured out is a new form of air conditioning. As the handyman on the planet, he fixes all the halves and makes sure all the machines are running. And in his spare time, tinkers with parts. And has stumbled upon...

method. I was thinking, Matt, what happened was he discovered an asteroid impact. Okay. And from the ore, it was a substance that was a cooling substance. So he's like, I think I've got a new way to do air conditioning. Sounds like an asteroid of Freon. Oh, we'll find out. Oh, we'll find out. Well, the fact God accepts your fact, Freddie. So Slop is irritated and annoyed. This is taking so long. Yes. Okay. He snaps his finger. Vitamix.

Just bring the prisoner. Here you see before you a man who has failed his duty. Juiciest Lucius, tell now to all the way in which you failed as handyman of this village and this galaxy. Juiciest goes up to the mic, taps it. Um, over in Hab 413B.

I used a type Charlie spanner wrench, which caused a toilet overflow. What I should have done... Can't do that, mate. ...was use a type Omega. Boo! So, sorry, once again, Miss Aversham.

for the toilet overflow again. Sorry. And as he's doing this, I feel like Vitamix and I are like sort of affixing him to the post in the middle of town. Yeah, my arms are going up. And Nordstrom's hand brushes past Vitamix's and he's like, oh, hello Vitamix. How are you doing? Speechless at the awesome ceremony of power of our duties. Let us begin the 30 lap.

My God, you, what is that? So as you, Norsum Rack, are about to lash Juiciest Lucius, Sloth pauses for a second. Something has caught his eye. Across the muddy town square, wedged between some desperate-looking workers, there appears to be... Is that a space marine? No, it can't be. But it looks like one. Anthony, what is this space marine in the crowd? Tylalius Induamidus, you can call me Tylal.

Sorry, you're called what? Tyler. My name is Tyler. Tyler? Tyler, but he says it with a weird voice. I'm like nine years old, and when I grow up, I'm going to be one of the Adeptus Astaltes, a space marine. The fact for the fact, God, for Tyler is that he is not aware that

that you can't grow up to be a space Marine. Space Marines are genetically engineered by a bunch of, yeah, from the jump to be like three times the size of normal humans that have twice as many organs and all that kind of shit. Tyler believes that if he just works hard enough and believes hard enough that he will eventually become a member of the, uh, the ultra Marines, his favorite adeptus to start his chapter. He's a basic bitch. He's a basic bitch. You like the blue.

And for those of you who don't know, Space Marines are the most powerful soldiers in the Imperium. As Anthony said, you can't just become one. You're mutilated and grown at birth to become one. They're eight foot tall mutant super soldiers in big armor. Slap is not seeing an eight foot tall super soldier. What is Slap seeing?

So what he sees is a young boy, nine years old, four feet on a good day. And he is wearing made out of cardboard, a surprisingly accurate set of Adeptus Astartes space Marine armor, huge pauldrons on his shoulders, big old boots. He was doing pushups when slop called him out. He goes, Oh, this is my power. Almost obviously.

Oh, no. Blasphemy will. Show me the hella check. All right.

Here I come. Okay, do you walk up to him? Yeah. He stares and he goes, even a fabrication of such armor is only for those who serve the emperor. By do so, damn bull. You shall receive 30 lashes and despite your age, it will be a full 30. And if you do not live, and he makes a sign up to the emperor, it will be only in the service of the emperor that you die.

So, uh, Tilarious leans in. He goes, not only am I going to survive, I'm not going to make a peep because I'm a space Marine, baby. Slop smiles for the first time in 30 years. He goes, not the space Marine, perhaps, but perhaps there will be a way for you to serve the emperor. Today is the first day of your life, child.

I'm nine. I'm this many. I meant today. Go to get tied up, please. We are out of rope, though. So, young boy, Tyler, if you could just go ahead and just hug the post. Just hold it.

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. Give me a wolf. I turn to the crowd and I say... In the words of the administratum, to know one's place is the greatest comfort. To excel within it is the greatest solace, and a master's contentment is the greatest reward. You see two people who here have forgotten their wisest of lessons, young boy. Did you write that? No, all I wish... Did you write those words? I said them just now, and I memorized them. I know. I know you did. Um...

You just have such a way with words. But go ahead. Oh, I'll say it's the Emperor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Emperor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, him. Right, so let's proceed, shall we? Yeah. And now it is my great honor and privilege to, as the foremost member of this community, administer a punishment to inspire the rest of you, because I think all of us together, we

we can get those blood berry numbers up. The Emperor's Gift, the Great Tithe is coming. And I think this quarter, this season will be our best season yet. Right on. Yes. All right, Will. Yes. You can choose who would you like to whip first.

Yeah, the child. This is so much darker than I thought it was going to be in my head. You're the one who came up with this little flogging thing. Yeah, you're the one who came up with it. And not only that, came up with the weapon that you're using, dude. This is an RRR whipping scene. And this will be a good way for us to show how combat works. So what we're going to do, you can choose who would you like to whip first. Nordstrom has been talking up a big game to herself. She was out practicing. She's a girl. Yeah.

Oh, shit. She's been out practicing. Whoa, Anthony. Damn, dog. Hey, you don't want to cut that. I thought it was a cool gay relationship between Vitamix and Nordstrom. Damn, you turned around on us. Now we look like this fucking conservative ones. She was out practicing on a tree all last night. She's been really, really just like ready to impress everybody. But she realizes she actually has to do this thing now. Her hands have started shaking. Prefactor.

Yes. Which one would please the emperor most for me to start with? The emperor is pleased if you do his will. But what is his will? I'm waiting. Yes, I think you should tire yourself on the child. She's going to stand in front of both of them and then just close her eyes and just rear back and swing. All right. So we're going to do this. Okay.

Okay, if you're close enough. The God in the world protected me. We will do that. We will find. Since Vitamix is close, I will, because you're too much of a coward to choose who to swing. One and a two is the child. A three and a four is Lucius, Juicius. And a five and a six is Vitamix. Ooh.

That's a three. All right. So, Freddy, it looks like Juiciest Lucius will be receiving the painful end of this whip. Oh, yeah, baby. So, why don't you go ahead and do a combat roll? Dang, dude, it's like a tutorial in a video game, dude. Before you whip, make sure you crouch over this small gap and jump over this fallen log.

Well, here's your chance. You make sure you invert your controls based on what you're whipping. You know what I mean? Do you want to invert now or no? All right. So for combat, you're just going to roll a weapon skill. So what's your weapon skill? So my weapon skill is one and my ionize is two. So I have three dice. So you roll three dice. Ionize initiative.

One of them has to be my rage dice. Yes, okay. So let us explain. As Will does the first piece of combat by whipping in Unarmed Man. So the way combat or really any skill check works in Wrath and Glory is that you will roll a certain number of dice, all these sixes, in order to achieve a certain number of successes.

So you may be rolling hoping to get, say, like three successes. You gain one success if the die lands on a four or five, and if it lands on a six, good for you. It's a double success. So obviously, the more dice you get to roll, the more likely you are to get more successes, but that's not it. Of the dice you roll, one dice is always a special die, the wrath die.

Some of my dice I gave you are from the Cowboy Bebop RPG. So I believe you have Ein, the Corgi as the number six for you. Lucky few. When you roll a Corgi, you will get a success. So anyways, you always include one wrath die in your role and that wrath die, while it counts as a normal success and whatnot, it also essentially will decide if your role has a critical failure or critical success. So the wrath die rolls a one, no matter what else the role is.

I will add a complication. It'll be a failure. But if it gets a six, whether or not the roll failed or succeeded, it's a special success. But I'll explain what happens when the wrath die gets a six when it actually happens. But you are rolling against Freddy. What is your resilience? My resilience is three. What is your defense? One. One. So Will, you simply have to get above one success to hit him.

I got two threes and a two. So you missed. You just missed with the whip? I did it with my eyes closed. So I feel like I should have disadvantage as well if there's anything like that. So I missed. So this feels like you don't need what happened. Sloth looks at you and is waiting for another whip to happen. There's 30 left. I'm going to be like, ah, yes. And that's what it sounds like when I use it. So scary. Yeah.

Roll once more. Okay. Okay. Everyone's watching. That didn't count as one. Everyone's watching you. That counted as one. That counted. Okay. All right. I got a two, a two, and a five. Okay. You successfully hit Lucius on the pull. Will, what is the damage of your whip? It says two star plus one ED. Two damage plus one extra dice. So roll one dice. I rolled a four. A four. Oh, okay. So you did. So I did six damage to him. What the fuck? What the fuck?

No, no, no. Four is one success. Okay. Three damage. Freddie, what is your resilience? My resilience is three. Okay. You take a hit.

And every success is a point of damage. I see. So you whip Freddy. There's a loud crack. Nobody in the crowd even winces. Nobody cares about this at all. That's up to you. Well, no, but what happens with Resilience 3? You don't get a wound. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt. What does Lucius do? Does he cry out in rage? I go, what the fuck? Next time your toilet backs up, I'm not doing shit. One. Now, the child. What?

And now, as governor, I have given the ceremonial first whip. And now I turn over to our honorable security officer to continue. And you feel a big, strong hand wrap around yours and grab the whip. I would be honored to whip this child. She should do the thing like when you're teaching a girl how to golf where you put her arms around her. You whip like this. Yeah.

Oh, you're trembling, governor. Just from zeal for the emperor. Slop stares straight into the eyes of Tyler. How does Tyler respond when we're about to get whipped? Tyler looks him dead in the eyes. Whoever's got the holding the whip, Tyler just goes, I'm waiting. Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Adeptus Astaltes feel no feel. To feel feel would be to insult. I have seven total dice. One, two, three, four, five.

I'm so glad Will is such a pussy. As you raise your hand back.

To whip the child. Muscles rippling. You feel a big gust of wind. There is a siren. There is clearly multiple ships flying above. They're circling around looking for a landing spot. Slop looks up in the sky and goes, oh no, oh no, this can't be good. Vitamix looks up to the sky and goes, they found me! And runs. Fight, fight, fight, fight! Tilarious turns around and looks at Slop and goes, told you. Slop says,

Stay still, everyone. Stay still. This landing craft is hovering over the entire town and it begins to land very close to you, Tyler. The wind is pushing you back as this ship is coming down. Along the ship's adamantium armor, you can see an insignia of the letter I emblazoned a fiery scarlet with a skull in the center.

And you know this symbol. It's the Inquisition. Yes, exactly. For most people, you seem happy with it. Most people would never want to see this symbol. No, I'm psyched. They'll probably be able to tell me what I already know, that I'm a space marine.

For most people, seeing it means you'll never see anything again. For as you said, Tyler, it is the Inquisitorial Rosette. And you know that inside that ship is one of the most dangerous beings in the entire universe. The Inquisitor. Tyler Arias immediately goes to his knees. Very good. Juiciest Lusius takes the cue and does the same. Nordstrom is going to pose right next to the Prefector. And I just kind of like spit polish my epaulets and try to straighten my hair and just like tidy up my dirty rags. And he's like...

the inquisitors are here. Is this about my request to be transferred to a bigger planet? Are we standing near blood berries? There's blood berries everywhere. Okay. The only place there's not blood berries is like the very center of town where you've patted down and taken out a lot of blood berries. Oh, yeah. So Vitamix looks down, grabs a bunch of blood berries and like smashes them on his face to make his face like bloody and like he doesn't look like himself anymore.

more. You wore paint the reds? The docking bay of the ship slowly opens and out steps a tall, handsome, glorious inquisitor of our Lord Emperor,

He is six feet eight. Half of his face is a metal skull perched upon his shoulder is a robot crow following him as a little floating skull, a servitor for any of you who may know, you've probably heard of them. It is circling around and buzzing in his ear around him are four scions of inquisitors, a retinue of inquisitors. And he steps out very slowly, uh,

Who is in charge here? That would be the prefector, Mr. Slop. Prefector Slop. He's in charge, and I'm the governor of Navis 4, and I would love to welcome you to our lovely little planet. Slop walks up to the Inquisitor. He goes, dear Inquisitor, and he bows his head.

Ah, Slop. I see this is where you ended up. Yes, sir. Everybody, it's Matt's first scene doing a scene with himself. Yes, sir. What is it you need from us? I'm here to defeat heresy, Slop. I've been pursuing for many years a most dangerous traitor who yields the power beyond your reckoning. Okay, but what does that have to do with us? Shut up, Slop.

Unfortunately for me, it seems he has crash-landed on this very planet. I believe there is a man we have been chasing who landed on this planet just last night.

I believe he may be in this very town, and if not, I believe some of your citizens may have seen him. It is of the utmost importance to the Emperor, to the Imperium, and to the safety of all mankind that we find this individual immediately. So Inquisitor? Yes, child. I saw somebody I didn't recognize last night. Ooh, ooh, me too, me too, me too. Oh. But I saw it first.

Oh, you both saw it. Yes, I saw it the most. I saw something as well. Oh, three of you saw something. I didn't see shit. I don't know who you're looking for. If there's somebody new here, I don't know. Come here. He points at you and does this.

And then I see how handsome he is. And I wipe some of the blood berry off. As you're wiping the blood berry from the very pull of his finger, you realize that you're levitating an inch above the ground and you fling straight to him. Oh, my God. This guy knows how to use his fingers. It is a come hither motion after all. You're now eye to eye with him. He goes, did you see someone? Well, yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. Oh.

Well, I was going to ask these people one by one, if anybody, usually people lie when an inquisitor comes and asks us anything, but very up forth. No, no, no. We're an honest, hardworking town. We're salt of the earth. We're salt of the earth. We make blood berries here, as I'm sure you already

Yes. And in fact, I think actually our production numbers are being up even higher this year. You know, we've got a lot of new hands out in the fields. New security. Just saying. New security. We've got a new security agent. He snaps his fingers and all your mouths go shut like the Matrix. Ha ha ha!

He looks at Slop. Keep everybody in a line. When I'm done interviewing these four, I will continue to interview everybody. And if anybody tries to run, shoot them. If anybody tries to go inside, shoot them. If anybody disagrees with anything you say or makes a single move that you don't like, Slop, just shoot them anyways. Ah, very good. As Slop starts moving, he sees somebody sneeze and Snop takes a gun out and shoots...

a person in the head you watch this person fall to the ground their brain splattered and the funny phil nope not funny he wasn't funny he was not funny i certainly didn't think that his slacker attitude was very funny and just way too much racial stuff it's a glimdok world but you have to be racist yes the inquisitor with all your mouth still sewn shut

Does a little motion with his hands and he all levitate a foot off the ground and he leads you into slop's little whatever. The slop den baby. He leads him into the slop den. You're saying this is the only metal building in the village? Yes. It is a closed building. It's about the size of the room we were recording in. It's about 20. What an honor. Yes. It's about 20 by 20. It is mostly empty except for the little scribe table that slop has.

which is just full of endless documents. There's a bunch of little skulls with pens like ticking and tagging and writing. Like merch, like convention merch. No, no, they're little servitors. They're auto scribes. Yeah, they're auto scribes. As we're scrolling by here, as we're zooming by, I would like to see, like I want to sneak a peek at this paperwork.

Okay. Just these mounds of paperwork. Okay. And specifically, I'm looking to see if there's anything about the request I filed to have Slop write a letter of recommendation for me. Your letter of recommendation. So that I can get off this godforsaken rock. You know what? I'll just let you see that. Okay. Yeah. I mean, it's just out there in the open. I do have administratum records as an inquisitorial sage bonus. So I get plus one to a test. Tell you what. This will be our first test. Let's roll a test. Okay. In general, the way this works is that, again, as I said, a four and a five is a pass and a six is two passes. Okay.

The standard test in wrath and glory is a three. Me as the Holy father can decide to add difficulty to a test by increasing the number. I'm going to say that what you're trying to do is pretty much a standard test. So I have two investigation and three intelligence, which is five. And then I get plus one because I'm looking at administrative records. Oh shit. Okay. Six dice. Nice.

One six. That's it? I got one six, a three, two ones, and two twos. Oh my God. Wow. You actually failed that. So that six counts as two successes. You got no other successes. So you got two out of three. I like to spend a glory point. No. That's a group resource. Let's talk about glory points for everybody who's listening. A glory point is a shared resource that you can get a variety of ways, including the Holy Father simply giving it to them.

Think of it as like a group shared inspiration. Can I use a wrath point? Yes, you can use a wrath point to roll once more. To roll once more or do I get to reroll failure? You can reroll failure. If we get negative glory points, are we in a glory? Ha ha ha ha.

Wrath point is essentially just the individual's inspiration. Everybody gets two wrath points for the entire game unless I provide others. Okay. But we didn't have any. You really want to burn one of them? I'm going to go ahead and burn a wrath point. Okay. Really? Okay, this time I got four, five, and a six. So you're four, five, and a six. So four successes. Yeah. Now, was your wrath die a one or a six? No, it's a two. So you got four successes. So that's a success. So I'll say that what you see...

What Slott was just writing, what he's filling out was you said you sent him a recommendation. I was hoping that he'd write me a letter of recommendation. He did. He did write a letter of recommendation. He is recommending that you be executed as soon as possible and that he would like a new person unless you can tell that he does not believe that you will increase the quota of blood berries. But if you did, there is a slim chance you may survive. But if not, you're almost certainly going to be killed on the next

flight of rations that comes in. I'm winning him over. So here's what we're going to do. You're going to get interrogated by an inquisitor. What? The four of you are placed on the other side of the table. You're more than happy to crack jokes. You can mess around with an inquisitor. I will say that. I will play the inquisitor as an inquisitor.

And I should clarify another set of rules in this game. You are all what are called tier one. The way the game balances itself, because if you know anything about Warhammer, you'll know that you have lowly humans, but you also have things the equivalent of gods. So in this game, if you want to play gods, if you want to play Space Marines, you will play a tier four game. You guys are tier one. Inquisitor is a tier three. So that's essentially three entire tiers up.

one swing from him will probably kill you instantly and I do not have a plan to re-roll characters. Would you say that all of these represent the tears of the kingdom? God! Do I get a wrath point back? No, I will. Yes, I'll give you a wrath point. The emperor giveth and he taketh. That made me laugh. You get a wrath point. My grim darkened features are only puns. So...

Here's what's going to happen. And I want to tell the audience what I did. I last night went to each and every one of you. Yeah. And I quickly out of nowhere told you what happened. You had each given me a reason why your character was out late at night. And then I described that off in the horizon, you saw some sort of falling ship or asteroid. And then a few minutes later, a strange man came running up to you. You each had a slightly different experience. He said some words to you. I gave you some different details, um,

all sorts of little things that this man did before running off in some direction. And I thought it'd be fun to essentially have the same experience of if that did just happen to you. So you either remembered it or you didn't. It's been almost 24 hours. And we saw twisters. So he needs as much information as possible. And as every good Inquisitor, he does not simply believe your words. So he will be using an old ancient piece of

of Imperium technology to make sure that what he is getting is accurate and that you're on outline, which are two slightly different things. He's just going to know if we're telling the truth or not.

He's a psyker. He may be able to see even what you do not remember. Oh, no. But it's important to know whether or not you are telling the truth because he needs to know if you're also loyal. Does he know about our past? Depending on how deep into the brain he may know more about your past. Wait, what is this tool? I have an ancient piece of Imperium technology. Holy shit. And I'm going to ask you each a question while I'm at time with this. Is it a lie detector? It is. Oh, no. What? Oh, no, Matt.

What the frick is that? Matt has pulled out some sort of ghoulish children's game. Oh, no. Oh, my God. It's not a children's game. It's a technology from the Imperium. It is, I believe it's called pie in the face. I forget what it's called. You're going to put your chin on this little chin rest, and then there's a hand attached to a little simple mechanism. I'm going to spray the hand with truth serum, but it's just... No, it's shaving cream. It's shaving cream. It should be...

be whipped cream. No, because I wasn't sure if some people had dairy issues. That's going to break. No, it's not. If it gets to my eyes. Well, close your eyes when you do this or don't lie. And what will happen is I will ask you questions. That's not going

remember a single fucking thing you said the inquisitor cannot know if you're lying or simply don't remember how does he not he's how did he get his job when i asked you a question you're saying the fucking inquisitor could read our minds but he can't tell if we're telling the truth or not he can see what we said but he can't tell don't you understand governor yeah he's testing us anything he's testing our resolve and our love of the emperor you get one free turn

on this machine freddie thank you so much what will happen is when i ask you a question if you get it wrong you will turn this so there's a knob on the side there's a knob on the side eventually it's completely random after a certain number of turrets this thing will a hand will fling parasol into your face and you will take one wound instantly okay you understand yeah we get it okay

The Inquisitor puts this ancient contraption down. What's its Imperium name? What's it called? He looks at you and says, to say the name would be to drive you mad. LAUGHTER

Now that's some Warhammer shit, baby. How do you think you lost half of your space? Yeah, dude. Matt has put... So for you all, I don't believe... I don't believe... Matt has put about a fist size, like a big fist size doll up. This is like

What bugs? Honey shaves a guy level of fucking Christmas. I don't ask you to do anything that I didn't do myself. Last night I was in the bathroom and after I jorked it, I tested the machine out on myself multiple times and realized that you need quite a bit because shaving cream is very sticky. So when this little thing slowly moves up, it doesn't really throw it at all. So it needs to be a lot so that at least it touches your little noses.

He unzips all your lips and he puts the machine in front of you, Nordstrom. Now go ahead and put your face in the... Load your chin up, bro. And Mr. Inquisitor, I just want to say it's a real honor to be inquisitor, to be interrogated. I just, I don't know if I've seen anyone, but are you seeing anyone? What? Oh, no. Don't be nervous. There's no reason to be nervous. We are all... I'm just, I'm not nervous. I'm excited to serve the emperor in any capacity I can. So go ahead and ask your questions.

I can smell the fucking shaving cream from here. It's that Barbasol dog. That Jurassic Park D&D special, dude. Well, Matt did say he jorked it, so there is DNA on that. Dino DNA. Bingo. We'll start simple. He puts two fingers to your skull and you can sense that he is inside your brain. Ew. Two in the think. Two in the think. Ha ha ha.

Now, you said you saw a man last night. Yes. Did he run to you? He ran past me. Past you. Simple question. Was he a military man? I don't know. You don't know? He had a Laz pistol. No, he had a symbol. There was a symbol on his uniform. So yes, maybe he was a military man. I can draw off a memory. That's amazing. Okay. Okay.

Pass it over to the child. Hey, what would you like to know? I remember everything. You remember everything. Good. You don't have no problem. What color was the badge?

I'm colorblind. Turn the dial. Fuck you. I told you the color. Hand it to the next. All right. We're starting simple. Yes. You. Yes. I've already been lashed today. Was he carrying anything? He showed me a badge and looked like a green fidget spinner.

The logo looked like a fidget spinner. I can draw it. Turn the dial once. Oh, my God. I love you. And he's looking into your brain. He's like, a rectangular case. He was carrying a rectangular case. Oh, yeah. Now, I see him running. Which direction did he run away from you? He ran left. West.

He ran westward. You remembered. You ran westward. Very good, Freddie. Hand it to Beth, please. Oh, fuck! Oh, wow, my head's so small it fits right in. I... What? He looks at Vitamix. Worry not. You're... Ooh. You have served the Emperor before. He's sensing something in your past. But that's not my... Well, yeah, with my words and my thoughts, I'm always serving the Emperor. Okay.

This man, I see him. He's saying something to you. What did he say? He said something to you. He stares at you and he speaks these words. Do you remember what he said? Your memory is getting clearer and clearer. And he begins mouthing the words of the man you saw. And he said, Aksha comes first.

Oh, yes, yes. So now turn it. Oh, wait, I'm too, it's too slick. Akshaw comes. That's two for flinching. Akshaw comes first. Hand it back to Will, please. Akshaw comes first. That's very selfish of Akshaw. Hi, it's me again. Yes. You, governor, should be most concerned. This is a man, I cannot say much, but this is a man

who has taken something dangerous and brutal, and it could spell death to millions, if not billions. And we do not know why he came here. And again... Do you think perhaps the person who caught this said rogue could maybe secure a small advancement, a small position for herself and, say, the Administratum? Anybody who helps the Emperor will be put in a place for them to help the Emperor even more. So yes, that is very possible. Hmm.

Nordstrom is feeling like that's not much of a promise. He looks at you and says, that's a middle management dodge if I've ever heard one. I know how to dodge middle management because I am middle management, sir. He spoke to you too. Think, I can't, what words did he speak to you? He said something about numbers. He said something about six and nine. It was six and nine are the numbers and seven, two and three are not. Oh yes. As he ran off, he said numbers.

But when he looked you in the eyes, what did he say before that? He said, um, he said, he said, he said, uh. Turn the dial. Shanzek. Shanzek comes before the name. Aksha comes first and Shanzek before the name. Why would he tell these things to you four? Is there something you're not telling me?

Anthony? Ah, little warrior. Are you scared, child? The Adeptus Astallites don't know feel, so... They do not. Excellent.

I ask you the same question, for it is clear that this man spoke to the four of you. What did he say? He mentioned something like nog or nogle. When you say the word nerg, the Inquisitor flinches. Nerg. Nerg is first in all things, he said. Thank you, child, for your honesty. Anthony doesn't have to turn it. Okay. Teachers. It's obviously going to get first.

You. But it's your name again? Juiciest Lucius. Soon to be the greatest inventor in all the land. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Juiciest Lucius, baby. One of the... Okay, it's awesome powers now. It's Juiciest Lucius. I've gone through the inventions. It's gonna really fuck things up. Anyway, yes, ask your questions. He spoke to you as well. Yeah, baby. Tell me, what did he say? He said, uh, glad...

Glad? Gladden? Gladius? Gladius something. He's a Gladius. Oh no. He flinches. Gladient?

God damn it. Vague. Gladiant Vague. Yeah, whatever, man. You're the one with the machine. He takes a step back and looks at the four scions in the room. He makes a little symbol and they run off outside. And he looks at them. He goes, how do you four know my name? Gladiant Vague. Gladiant Vague. Aksha goes first. Shensik before his name. And Nerg is first in all things. But second in this.

Are you sure none of you are lying to me? I have a question. Do we still have to keep our faces in the thing or are we done with that? It seems like you got whatever message you need. Beth, hand. Who's Beth, Inquisitor? Vitamix. Hand our dear governor the machine. Oh, fuck. One simple question. Yes, Inquisitor. Did he give you anything? Did he give me anything? Yes. No, he gave me a smile. Ha ha ha.

You lie. Turn the dial. Turn the dial. You didn't give me anything. How many clicks? Stand up and check your back pocket. Oh. Oh. Has Matt snuck something in? I don't see anything back here, Matt. Check your back pocket. Check really deep. It's really deep.

Oh, no. Will has pulled out. Hand it to me. What the fuck, man? Excuse me? No. No. Full stop. Full stop. That's my butt. Did you give it to Cherish? No. I slipped it in. We went down to order. You just straight up reverse pickpocketed his ass?

Will, you're not fine. You're a big ass awareness. Am I getting victimized? Yes. What? Can be it. He looks at your brain. Yes, indeed. He remembers. He looks straight at you. He ran to you. He ran to you from the east. He ran up to you and he looked at you straight in the eyes. And he says, Shanzak, Shanzak before his name. And he slipped this in your pocket. When the Inquisitor is seeing this, the vision is getting difficult. And he's seeing you nodding in return. He's seeing you nodding and accepting it.

And he looks at it. He gasps. And it is the eight pointed symbol of chaos. And he stares at the four of you and he goes, a message. He gave you all a message. You must discover the message. Tell me the message now. Tell me the message now. He pulls a gun out. He goes, tell me the message. What is the message?

So this is a little word game. So I'll just go. Yeah. I'll say them out loud and you guys just got to tell me the solution. Okay. Otherwise, he'll shoot you. Otherwise, he'll shoot you. How about that? You have two minutes. Go ahead and write these down and try to figure out the puzzle. Are we done with the shaving cream? Yes. None of you got shaving cream. Matt deserves one. Matt deserves one click for pickpocketing my butt. When he stumbles from seeing the symbol, his hand grasps the machine wildly. Matt's going for it. Oh, man.

Oh, two. It wasn't that big of a deal. It was kind of anticlimactic. You guys were all stressed out. Hold on a second. Ice it burns. When did you pickpocket me? When you went to go get the order. Oh, then you came downstairs? Yeah. When he went to the holy ordo. These are the four messages you received. Okay.

Aksha comes first. Does it matter how that's spelled? No, that's just, you know, spell it the best you can because you're going to say it. Gladant Varg follows the words. Gladant Varg? Or Varg. Sorry, that's his name. Shonsik before his name. And Nerg. Nerg is first in all things, but second in my game. Forgive me, Nerg. Second in no things but this. Forgive me. I'll give you two minutes. Okay. What?

What was all the numbers? You told me a bunch of numbers. Those are something else. You said a lot of things. I also just wanted to make it harder for you guys to remember things. So you didn't mess that up? It was two things that you meant to say at the end? Yes. What was the second thing? Action, Nerg, Sean, Sick, Glad, and Vogue. The moment to say...

Out loud. Aksha, Nerg, Shansik, Glidenfog. Glidenfog's eyes go wide and he stares at you. It's a puzzle. I've just won it. I'm just doing a puzzle. I'm a fool. What have I done? What have I done? You see his little servitor skull starts circling around. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. That's what they sound like. Master, what's happening? Glidenfog looks at you and goes,

No, the trap, he knew too much. He knew I was coming. The Inquisitor shudders violently and then goes completely still. At first, it looks like his skin is just covered in goosebumps, but then you realize those goosebumps are spreading along his clothing and his armor everywhere. And worse, they just keep rising and flaking off. Chunks of his body begin to slough off him like the ash at the end of a cigarette.

Well, that's not a perfect analogy because cigarettes don't have blood. And so as he begins to stumble about, blood oozes out of every new hole and scrape as he decomposes in front of you. He looks almost like a bloody body on fire, but you can't see the flames. Is he okay? No, he's really not okay. His eyes are going to come out. He starts swinging wildly and he's trying to touch each of you. Everything he touches you see. In fact, why don't you each give me... Just do a straight agility roll. One dice. One dice? Yep, same. Two dice. I'll give you...

If it's one dice, it has to be the wrath die. I'll give you each an extra die because he's on the other side of the table. My wrath die and my regular die were both three. I rolled two ones, including the wrath die. I rolled no successes and a one on the wrath die. I got a five and a four. A five and a four. Five on my wrath die. Here's what will happen. So you three are not getting out of the way. He is stumbling towards you. You, with your agility, you've shifted away from him. You can run away or you can try to help your three friends.

Friends is a stretch. Friends is a stretch. Will, you have your three friends and Governor, you can choose to not help your three compatriots in this. Um. Friends is still a stretch. Um. Governor, consider that if you're losing some of us, it'll be on your quota. No, no, no. Bad for Bloodberry Production. I can't lose three workers. Absolutely not. Or two workers and a child as a future worker. Um.

I'm a local. So yes, I'm going to help them. Okay, what are you going to do? He's trying to climb over the table. Flip the table, dog. To attack them. I'm going to whip him. Okay, there you go. Yeah, to get his attention. Do you want to whip to distract him? Do you want to whip to hurt? Or do you want to like tackle him over something? Or like just pull him off the table? Tangle him up. Yeah, I'm trying to tangle him up. Okay. Yeah. So they have this thing called like narrative combat rather than like

Even though you're using your weapon. It's not really a combat. It's like trying to do something. I'll say you can roll cunning. It's like a cunning move. Yeah, you're trying to do something cunning because rather than just like hitting him or something, you're trying to tinkle him up. Okay, yes. So you're not doing any damage, but you're choosing to just stop him. Okay, so that's three dice.

A six, a five, and a two. Oh, okay. You just passed. Okay. Describe what happened. So I panic and I grab my governor's flog and I swing it at him and it just kind of like goes over his shoulder but then circles around his back and seals around itself. So I've got him sort of like from behind with this whip. Okay. I'm now just like, oh no, what did I do? Indeed. He's tangled up and he turns to look at you and the whip that you're holding begins to decay also. Do you want to let go of it? Oh.

He tries to lunge, but before he can even lunge, his legs give out like pudding. And he just drops to the floor. And he slowly begins melting. The servitor begins circling around him. Sir, sir, what do you do? Sir, sir, what do we do? Sir, what do we do? And he looks at the servitor and he goes, Exterminate! I am the new

person who's in charge of you, Servitor, because I am the next most powerful member of the Administratum in this room, and I would like to roll Persuasion on the Servitor. Okay. For those who don't know, a Servitor is essentially just a person, oftentimes a criminal, but sometimes if it's a Servitor that's working for the Inquisitor, they might have actually been another Inquisitor. They might have been a really important person for the Imperium. So important, and in love with the Emperor so much that even when they die, they don't want to just simply pass away. They allow their consciousness and their brain to be

put into a skull to act like a little computer for all of eternity, which means that their only purpose in life is to do exactly the orders that they have been granted by the Inquisitor that they're working towards. So it's going to be a very difficult role. I'm going to use my leadership skill. That's okay. Because I'm pulling rank. I'm saying that your master's been incapacitated. And so now I am in charge. Okay.

Okay, that was a one on the raft. Oh, no. I got three. I got a six, a five, and a four. Okay, that's good, actually. And a one. You want him to follow you? Yes. Okay. I'm also low. He's just trying to talk over the other guy, so he can't say. I understand. I'll put it this way. The moment there is the foul taint of the warp seen on a planet such as this, the idea of exterminatus, which I will say that you know exactly what this is, Governor Nordstromrack. You have heard of legends, and you know that this is the worst thing that could happen to a planet. Yeah.

exterminatus means that they have decided that it is not worth fixing what is on the planet they have simply decided to destroy it completely and you can tell as he's screaming as as our poor inquisitor is melting and screaming exterminatus exterminatus exterminatus the servitor school has definitely already passed that message on and even if they had it it wouldn't matter because at this point the scions have probably passed it on it is leaping out of your hands as it is but the servitor school he looks at his inquisitor he goes oh no oh no who do i serve now um he looks at you goes well

I'm yours now. And he circles around you and he looks. Hello there. What's your name?

I have no name. So nothing happened from the critical Raphael? Oh, I mean, I felt like the fact that the message is still going out is enough of a failure. Okay. Hello, Mr. Skull. Yes. That's what we'll call you, Mr. Skull. Okay. What does, just for everyone here, what was it that he said? What did your former boss say? What was that? And why did solving the riddle make him melt? It seems that you have said it was a spell of an ancient god and you killed him.

Oh. Oh, well, that's... Tell him to erase that whole bit. Could you maybe delete that from your memory? I will do whatever you wish of me. Delete it. Let's delete that. Okay. Well, how did he melt? The fountain to the wood. Since you said the word Nergis, it's probably the fact that there is a tent. Oh, can you delete us saying Nergis too?

And also delete me asking you to delete this stuff. Yes, it is all done. Okay, what's all done? I do not know. Whatever you asked me to do, I did. Delete that we asked you to do anything. We didn't ask you to do anything. Whatever you asked me to do, I did. You got to delete that too. Keep going, keep going, keep going back. Before we delete everything this thing ever knows, can you tell us anything about where this Inquisitor was before he came here to Navis Fault? We were on Navis 1.

We were chasing an Imperial Guardsman because he had an ancient weapon of the Nurgle God. We do not know why he came here, but he is here now. And ma'am, he looks at you. Since you are mine and I am yours, I must let you know that Exterminatus will be coming soon. They are about two days away. A ship will be arriving in at earliest two days and they will destroy this entire planet.

But what of the bloodberry harvest? What about the quota? That is nothing compared to... Extominata sounds like a very wise course of action, frankly. Vitamix long-sized with Nordstrom is like, two days, huh? That's some...

It's a long time, but it's also so short. You're right. We must make every moment count, Vitamix. Yes, exactly. That's what I was... Exactly what I think. We should devote every moment towards using our bodies in full service and satisfaction of the Emperor's will. Oh. And we should save our planet because one of the blood berries, right? Right, right. Yeah, yeah. Save the planet. And I was thinking, I was thinking like... Yes, yes.

Well, me and you. I was wondering what we are to each other, like, isn't it, as it were? Oh, Vitamix. We're just two humble souls spinning on a rock. Meeting. And, you know, I think about Mr. Skull getting his memories deleted. Do we have a thing that way? LAUGHTER

And I was thinking, no matter what happens, I hope that never happens to me because then I wouldn't remember meeting you. Oh, that's and serving the emperor or whatever. Whatever. Delete that. Okay. Delete him saying the whatever part. Delete me saying delete all the whatever part. Man, may I speak out of turn and provide a piece of advice?

Sure. Yeah, sure. When I'm no longer serving you, I promise I will delete everything that has ever happened. You do not have to keep asking me to delete. From now on, it is in my protocol. The moment you die, I will delete everything. The moment I am no longer in your service, I will delete anything. And maybe if someone else asks you anything. The moment anyone asks me anything, I will not say unless you give me explicit instructions to do so. Right, but you'll already be dead. So it's like... We'll work on this later. You hear the ships flying up outside.

Clearly the Scions have fled as well. The Servitor's Skull hovers over to you, Nordstrom. May I speak at a turn one more time? Yes, of course. You know, we're all equals here, so just speak your mind. Only in the sense that we are all nothing but grains of sand compared to the almighty Emperor. Of course, that's what I mean.

it appears that this planet will be destroyed in two days now since i serve you i do not wish for that to happen but i wish most that the fountain of the warp is destroyed in all things

there are no ships on this planet unless of course the guardsmen must have come here somehow but i do believe while the inquisitors are not exactly forgiving they do reward those who help the emperor perhaps if you can retrieve the item we were retrieving the weapon of nrgol the weapon of nrgol

I promise at the very least you will be killed quickly. Perhaps you will live. Perhaps you can become like me. Oh, what a delightful twist of fate that would be. A servant, a slave for the emperor of all kind. But perhaps you will even get a promotion. This is how I become a space marine. It's happening. Are you not a space marine? He hovers over to you. Oh.

I mean, on the inside I am, but I haven't been blessed yet by the Deptus Mechanicus. Yes, yes. And you, and he looks over to you, Lucius. Yes, I have so many things to bring to the universe. I could improve the lives of all the citizens under the great emperor. And also, also, Norsum is pretty rad because the Inquisitor didn't come up with the plan to delete the memories like we have, you see. We're very smart. You'll tell us everything, right? Yes, he should have given me that protocol. I will tell you all of his secrets. Okay.

Oh, oh, oh. Please do. Oh, he loved Loxah. Loxah is the sign that you saw, the pretty one to the left with the four tentacles. He was in love with her. Every time he thought about it, he would flagellate himself. He would hit his head over and over again until he bled. That is why he has a metal skull, for loving is wrong unless it is the love of the emperor. Oh. So wise. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you had any flackuses with the warp previously? Oh, with the warp? With the warp, yeah. The warp is where all of the Xenos are, right? Oh, Bethany. Don't bait us into mansplaining Warhammer to you, Bethany. I tried it.

in earnest to learn Warhammer. I'm like, this is too much. I'll say this. What you said is probably a pretty accurate thing somebody on this planet would say. Because one, even knowing of the warp is pretty much heresy. It's heresy at this point. It's heretical. You probably just at the very least think that the warp is maybe something equivalent to hell. It is something where bad things come from. But yes, in Warhammer lore, I mean, the warp is essentially just like the other realm where all the nurgle and the chaos gods exist.

It's mostly demons in there. It's mostly demons. It's also we go through this realm to do faster than light space travel. Yeah, so imagine Star Wars when they go hyperspace, but when they did that, they went to hell for a while. Hell is real, and that's why there are Inquisitors, because hell is real. Yes. Oh my god, Matt, can I tell you something really quick? Yes, of course. Holy Father. Holy Father. I read Xenos. Oh yeah, great. But then I read it, and I was like, well, where's Xenos?

And then I didn't find out until I was watching that video that you sent that explained the world. Or no, I actually looked up this video of my own accord, actually. Wow. Yes, I did. Apparently. That YouTube channel just had a siren because they found out a woman was watching the video. Apparently.

And I found out that Xenos refers to aliens. Yeah. So that's what, you know. So there are three types of heresy in Warhammer. There is Xenos, which is the alien type of heretical disease and hatred. We hate aliens because I don't. Again, let's be clear. The world of Warhammer is a very jingoistic, horrible, fascist state that we live in. And we support it by partying.

playing this game yeah but we support it we wish this is what life was like i condone the philosophies i completely 100 condone everything in warhammer yeah yeah and there's malleus which is demons and then hereticus which is uh just heretical humans hell is very real and it's the feeling of no pillow of a person upon which to rest my soul just being alone in the universe maybe i'll

I am the Xenos. - Kill him, kill him. - Delete that again. Says, ma'am, all of you, I must remind you, I promise I would delete everything you ever tell me at any point. If you tell me, if you die, if somebody else asks me a question, it is all deleted. - I got it, I got it. I like to set the servitor into incognito mode.

He has a lot of gifts to buy. Sir, if you simply want to watch porn, you can just let me know. Oh my God, we could use a VPN for a different planet. We'll be able to get all the streaming from the other planets. Everyone is governor. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we should save our planet and find this ship and find this powerful weapon and advance all of our personal ambitions.

Excellent. You've decided you would like to go and try to find where this Imperial Guard went. Yes. Yes. And real quick, I would also like to find that note that said I should be executed and grab that and crumple it up discreetly. The moment you think it, the servitor hears your thoughts and you see it run over to the machine and it picks up the paper in his mouth and goes, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Mr. Skull, I think this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. What the fuck? Would you like to step outside? I would, yes. Carefully. What are they going to do out there? We want to peek outside and not rush outside. Hilarious struts confidently through the door. An eight-year-old in power armor comes out and then three adult heads peek Scooby-Doo-like outside the door.

How many people has Prefector Slop shot at this point? The moment you try to open the door, something's blocking it a little bit. Oh, God. Would you like to peek through, Anthony, or would you like to kind of push through? We have to push this door open. Right. I'm really strong, so if you don't mind...

Let me roll. Athletics. While Vitamix Blundar is doing that, is there a window I could peek through? No, it's a completely windowless room. Does the servitor have like x-ray vision or anything? No, they usually don't. We could open it up enough of a crack that the servitor could poke its head out and come back in. So I got three passing and I got the corgi on my corgi die. The corgi on Beth's wrath die is ace. So that means Beth passed her strength check of three and then you had a whole extra six. So we can talk about the idea of exalted die.

to die. So essentially the idea of this, if you do such a good success, you get enough successes that you could literally remove a six from your role and still succeed. You can take that six and becomes a magical little piece of currency. You can use, you can shift it. It's called shifting in the game. Now you can shift it to give the whole team a glory point. That's pretty much the only thing you could do here.

Or you can use it as a romance point to make Nordstrom fall a little bit in love with Vitamix Blend Dark. If you do want that as a thing. After seeing how you interacted with your little robot, I'm on to bigger and better things. Surely not everybody on this planet is dead. Ty Lowe sees this and pats you on the knee and says, there are a lot of other fish in this. Oh.

Somewhere deep in her soul, Nordstrom Rack realizes she fumbled the bag. So you kick the door down. Yep. You hear a loud snap, like a bunch of firewood cracking. And the door swings open and then tumbling down the stairs is Sloth, who seems as if the brambles and the blood berries have just grown through him, around him.

The entire town, all of a sudden, all the brambles are about four feet taller. They're inside everybody. Blood berries are- You've gotten so big. My penguins. My invention. My workers. They're all completely frozen still, but you can feel them. They're breathing. They're going- Mother, father. Do you want to go see your mother and father? Yeah. You run over to them and- Wait, but is it still dangerous out here? I don't give a shit. Well, he ran and nothing happened, so no. No.

I follow in his footsteps. Okay, carefully. Everybody has very small steps because it's a child's footsteps. You look at your parents, you can see... What are your parents' names again? Divinius and Olivius, I think. Divinius and Olivius? Yeah. Were they loving to each other? Oh, Carolinius was their name. Carolinius and Divinius. And yes, they loved each other as much as is allowed. Okay. So you see them shaking hands. They're like frozen and shaking hands.

Oh my God, my parents were having sex. What did you walk in on? And you see them, they're looking into each other's eyes, hands outstretched with a very casual shake. You can't tell where the blood berries begin and where their bodies end. Like their skin literally is like kind of oozing along the branches itself. Ew. But they're breathing. They're breathing. When you look at them, you can see that even though their eyes don't move at all left or right, it does feel like suddenly your mom's eyes snap to you. It doesn't actually move, but you can feel that she's looking at you.

now and she's breathing mother father the foul taint of the warp has come to navus fall but do not worry for your most brave soldier i tylarius andromedus will eradicate

the foul change of the warp from this planet or exterminatus will kill all of us. Either way, it's a win-win because in the eyes of the emperor, the warp will be pushed back one inch and that will be enough for us to have died in the emperor's service. I kneel before Divinius and Carolinius and I say, fear not.

and Carolinus, you are good workers. And in honor of the example you set for this community, I shall mother the boy. I shall look after him as a mother to a son. I think I'm good. I shall guide him and mold him into a true servant of the emperor in your name and honor. I think I'm fine. You are fine. You are a fine son. I'm proud of you. Oh, no. Vitamix looks around like, oh, is there anybody that isn't frozen on this planet? LAUGHTER

Juiciest Lucius runs into his hab and grabs his little invention that he's been working on and squirrels it away in a little synth leather little knapsack. Syntho leather. Syntho leather. How good, it's safe. What of my assistant, Cedar Sinai? Oh, yeah, that's right. The assistant vice governor, my intern that we said I have. You see... Cedar! Cedar! Do you want to go check your office? Yes, I'd go check the photocopier. You see...

Making copies in Warhammer. Embracing the chaos. Cedar is frozen in place, of course, connected to the rambles. And you see something. They're at the printing machine. The printer. The printer. And you see some factorial. And you see that they're mid. Xeroticus. Xeroticus. You see them at the Xeroticus. You see them at the Xeroticus. And...

In their hands, you could tell what it was. Clearly a freshly Xeroticist. Xeroxing Xerotica. Yeah. Pamphlet that they had just Xeroxed.

There's some blood and berry juice dripping down, but you could tell that something was just Xeroxed. Collating to the last. A true servant. Open the thing. Well, first I gently and tenderly shut Cedric Sinai's eyes, just like this. And then, yeah, I'm going to look up what's being Xeroxed. It's a list of all the things you've been doing wrong. It's a whole compilation of why they would be a better company. Oh, no, it's not.

A true usurper, I change him up. You can see that his eyes are looking at you too. Oh, I just closed those eyes. They pop open. Whoa, scary.

I thought I closed these. Will was so scared he dropped his dice. Okay. You jump scared Will so hard, dude. Governor, it seems wise that we should arm ourselves from the settlement armory. Ah, yes, the armory. What manner of weapons do we have in the settlement armory? Whatever you guys gave yourselves is what you have because there's no reason for weapons to be on here. I didn't give myself one because I'm a kid. Yeah. Oh, I have a las pistol.

I have a LAS gun. Yeah, it makes sense because your security, I guess you stole one or something. I was working on it. I was working on it. I was tweaking it. There'd be no reason. Here's what, here's what, what if it's a broken LAS gun? I love that. I was literally about to say that every so I should have a chance that it like just blows up. I like that. Yeah, I like that. Uh,

And you have your whip. Oh, no, you lost your whip. I did lose my whip, but I do have the governor's lasgun. Anthony, would you like a weapon? Tilarious would love a weapon. Did the Inquisitor have any loot on him? Ooh, yeah, when he melted, the gun could have fallen off before it melted. Yes, yes, we'll say that. Do you have an Inquisitor pistol? Yes, he was quickly fumbling for his pistol, and it fell off of him before he started decaying everything. ♪

I realize I probably gave you all too much information the night before and it served its purpose. I did also hide where the Imperial soldier ran off to. Oh, the West. The West. Yeah, you know what? It was the West. No, you did get the message West. Oh, yeah. Wait, hold on. There was like a number aspect to this puzzle, wasn't there? 63. More will come or something like that. 64.

I mean, there's nothing for a number now. It's like an escape room when you get a lock and it has four numbers. You've got to find a year somewhere. I know this will start with one nine. So we don't know where this guy landed. Freddy's character. I pray to the God Emperor to tell us.

I drop to my knees and I say, God, Emperor, Holy Father, guide your peons, your mere peons, to find and hunt down this heretic who crashed on our world so that we may better serve you. Juiciest Lucius comes back in with his knapsack. He's like, remember, I said that he ran west.

Thank you, God Emperor. Wise in all things. You sent us a messenger. The Skull. What's his name? Mr. Skull? Mr. Skull. Mr. Skull says. Great improv, Will. Did a good job on that one. Mr. Skull says, luckily, before Glad and Vague was killed, his memories were downloaded into mine. So I listened to the four. Are you Glad and Vague? No. But his memories inhabit your mind. Yeah, I have many memories for many people, many things, many computers. Not for long. What? What?

I'm going to fuck those memories right out of your skull. You're going to delete them. Yes, again, as I've said many times, I promise I will delete all these memories. Not just your memories. In fact, I promise when you are done with this mission, I will fly myself into a sun. No, how about you just delete all your memories after you came to Navus Fall? Yes, okay. Because it feels like there's a lot of useful stuff otherwise that the Imperium could benefit from. Yes.

is why you are the wise one. He's looking at you. I've raised him well. I'm practically a space marine already. Oh, taste it. I have seen the visions that Glad and Vague saw of the Imperial Guard approaching you. And after some clever puzzle solving myself, I decided that indeed he has ran off to the West. Do you want to look westward? Westward hole. So real quick question. In this settlement. Yeah.

Yes. Like, I have to assume there was like a golf cart or something. Like, how are we picking these, right? Like, are we just by hand in sacks? Or is there a vehicle of any kind on here? Yeah. Wheeled vehicle. You have like hover carts. Oh, okay. More or less. There's the governor mobile. Oh, the governor mobile. I fixed up the governor mobile. I just changed the oil on that thing.

Just gave it a tune-up. You guys got hover carts. Let's take the governor mobile. The average amount of people that go into an area to harvest is four. So you got little hover carts that perfectly carry four people. Nice. Let's take the governor mobile. The big transparent box on the back that the governor uses to wave at people. Yeah, we're going to use the governor mobile. Use the governor box, not the harvest. No question. Yes. So we saw him going to the west. Yes. Which direction was he coming from?

The South. Again, the clever puzzle I solved in my own head is that I each gave you like he came from the South to the East and then somebody was in the town, but actually from the town that came West. And if you figured out the four different like, no, I never would have done that. Believe so hard in us. I put three puzzles in because I was very curious how much you all will remember, but you don't need. Oh yeah. No, it was a fucking human studies experiment. That's what Matt was doing.

Matt has gone with a tried and true DM method, which is the dance puppets dance. I love it. He's a real adeptus mechanicus at heart. There you go. So you're all in this governor vehicle? But I'm trying to figure out which way we should go because he ran to the west. He ran to the west. Mr. Skull says yes.

Look yonder. Mr. Skoll looks to the west, and you've seen this sight pretty often, but off in the west, giant columns of flames suddenly shoot out from fissures that are about a mile away. There's about seven to eight. I don't know why I'm saying seven to eight. There are eight. Yeah.

I can't decide. There's about seven, nine, whatever you guys want. There's eight giant circular fissures on this planet. And every couple, it's kind of sporadic, but once a day, every couple of days, sometimes a month, big fiery columns suddenly shoot out into the atmosphere. Real box buster. Real box buster. So you see giant flames shoot off into the sky,

Towards the west. Oh, yeah, the flames. The sky flames. Yeah. What about them? In one of your visions, I believe it was Vitamix's or perhaps yours. You don't remember? Fine. Let me check. It's kind of hard to remember things. Sorry, I pre-deleted those. I'm being very cautious. Please retrieve those memories from your recycling bin. I could not retrieve memories. That would be the purpose of deleting them. But don't they go into like a recycling bin for a little bit? And then you empty trash.

And then they're like, are you sure? You four know much about my workings. In your vision, he ran west towards giant columns of flames. Okay, but what direction did he run from? What direction was he? Why does that matter? He's going west. Maybe his ship is somewhere else. Fair enough. Oh, he did come in, but maybe he's going back to his ship. He came from the east. Wait, wait. Are you trying to get to a ship to escape?

Me? Yes. Me? You, the governor. Are you trying to emboice cowardice in this moment where the emperor looks on us with hope and determination? I should have whipped you first, my son. Are you going to falter in our time of need? Well, I am. I want to.

I want to go up to the planet. Immediately, Tyler is going to lunge at Vitamix Blender's ankles and he's going to try to tackle Vitamix Blender to the ground. You're not trying to do damage, you're just trying to tackle? Yeah. Just do an athletics then. Beth, you roll an athletics as well. All right. A child versus a security agent? I mean, you know, I don't know what their stats are. Two successes.

I also got two successes. Oh, shit. Your move, Game Master. No, that doesn't indeed go to Anthony. So, yes, do you want me to describe what little Tyler does? Tyler spends almost all of his free time practicing martial arts moves that he made up for himself that he, like, assumed space marines would use.

So you see him basically like kick out with one of his armored cardboard bearing feet and he gets you right in the back of your knee or actually jumps and does it with both feet at the same time. He kicks out both of your knees from underneath you so you collapse backward towards him and he has his legs down near your shoulders and then like tries to grip your neck in between his two legs. And he says, you will repent for what you have done. Apologize to the Emperor. Good man. Maybe you will be forgiven. That is not up to me.

Okay, and I pick you up and put you off the driver's seat. LAUGHTER

Now... Unhand me! Should we keep him in the glass cage? We use our words. Cowardice. Everywhere I turn is cowardice. Hey, hey, Tyra. Yes? I'm with you. These heretics, they're gonna get us killed. My main man. My dog. My steed. I don't know about that. I could probably piggyback on you. How about you and I, we need to forge an alliance against these potential heretics. Because, hear me out...

When we get off this planet with my invention, yes, we're going to be very wealthy and powerful indeed. I'm just saying, I'm just saying that, you know, when you're older...

You'll wish you would love more than the emperor. True wealth, yes, you're right. True wealth does lie in the service of the emperor. When you're wiser. But consider getting the attention of the emperor with wealth. I am surrounded by insulted twigs of society. You will be insulted, Tyler. It's just, you know, all the other stuff, you just can't phase away. And then you really focus on what's important in life. Tyler kneels and prays to the god emperor for guidance. Right. Right.

Well, you... Yeah, put him in the glass cage. I will be meditating on my combat strategies while you cowards drive us closer. That's really good, and we're all proud of the way you're growing up. We're going west, correct? It's up to you, leader.

We shall go west. I hotwire the car. Although I do feel like there's probably something interesting east. I'm just going to put that out there if that's where he's running from. We are following the helotic. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Are you traveling west? Are you going to start driving towards the big old fiery things that I said were there? Oh, governor, governor. Those were to the west, right? Yeah, to the west.

You're flying with this little hover thing westward. I mean, you can go east. You're the leader. We're going to do a quick jaunt east just for a little bit. Just to see if there's anything cool over there because that's where he was running from. So maybe there's intelligence that way as well. That's all I'm saying. We go east. Do you guys want to vote? I would like to go west. West. Vitamix, we've had such history, you and I. Yeah, we have. We have a fair bit. And, um, I don't know. I'm still going to bed alone. Yeah.

I don't want to go west. Three to one. Very well. Even though this is not a democracy, democracy just doesn't exist in the Imperium, I guess we'll go west. And then I decided to go west. I have decided we will go west. Very wise. Your little hover vehicle, the governor machine, is what the governor will be. The governor. The governor. The governor fuel. The govercraft. The govercraft. The govercraft. Oh!

Very good. That sounds like a wrath point to me. That's what that sounds like. Okay, you get wrath point. Yay. Wrath point is just for you. Yay. Okay. Speeding along on the Govercraft, Brambles ricocheting across the...

That is a good name for a dog. Across the windshields, you get closer and closer to the first of the giant circular fissures in the ground. It is now essentially just dirt and rock. There's no brambles left because, again, the heat has burned them off. Okay. You see footprints, and they get to the edge of the fissure. Whoa. Ew.

Is the fissure currently blasting or is it? I've been going to say the fires, they usually last for like a few seconds at most, like maybe a minute and they've stopped blasting. And is it like a pit on the other side? Like what is on the other side of the fissure? It is just a giant circular hole. It looks like it's there anyway. And is it random? Yeah. We'd like to investigate. Is it random when they blast? Yes. Oh no. So you look and you see the footsteps again. Nobody usually comes around these. They go to the edge.

And then they seem like the footsteps just go down, like as if the person was just walking straight down the side of this hole. Are the footsteps big? How big do you like them to be, Beth? Do you want the man to have big feet? They're size 13 American shoes. Oh, okay. Wow. That's interesting. He's packing. I have size 13 and I'm not packing. That's a lot. We're in a hovercraft, as we've established. What happens when you just drive a hovercraft over a pit? It would fall.

hovercrafts hover because they're pushing air against the ground so the moment the ground is gone they're going to continue to fall this isn't like a cool Star Trek repulsor lift thing no it's pretty old technology does anybody have any rope any rope what any rope so we could climb down rope oh that's right well maybe there's a winch on this thing oh wait we could just grab some brambles

and tie it and then you all hold reverse. What if we send Mr. Skull down first? Oh, Mr. Skull down there. Mr. Skull, could you go down there and look and see what's down there? Yes, he can. So Skull. Matt can delete Mr. Skull from this campaign so easily. That's true. Now I'm not going to get rid of Mr. Skull.

No, wait a second. What kind of technology is in Mr. Skull that he can float around? Like, will he just fall like a rock? That's a good question. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. I mean, it's like, how do servitors fly? I don't know. That's a good question. Maybe we just all hold on to him and he lowers us down. Oh, he definitely can't hold you. Oh, they seem like little thrusters. Yeah, I think they can fly. Tell you what, Mr. Skull will hover over the pit and look down and he says, Mr.

It is very dark. The footprints continue down the side of the wall. Something feels, and you see him kind of like moving. The skull? Yeah, the skull is almost like being pulled towards the sides of the wall a little bit. Oh, Mr. Skull, maybe you should come back now. And he pulls up. He goes, it's odd in there. Gravity is odd. Yeah, there is anti-gravity. They do have anti-gravity. Gravity is odd in there. Gravity is odd in there. Interesting. Well, okay. I throw a rock down the pit. Okay.

When you throw the rock, the trajectory is normal as it's hovering over the pit. And as it starts dropping in the pit, suddenly it's as if gravity is going towards the wall and the rock goes sideways and hits the wall of the pit. So what we got to do is we got to drive very fast. We got to walk down it or drive. We could drive. We just have to go fast enough that the back doesn't get hit by the lip when the gravity changes. I say we put the Govercraft down.

It's in gear. And we just step aside and see what happens. No one in it. Slowly over the edge. And then if it goes, then we can get back in it. But until then, right? I think that's a great idea. How are we going to get back in it? Well, we'll just run after it because then that means gravity works that we'll be going down the wall, Vitamix. Right, right. Okay.

I guess we should probably like progressively use heavier things. It'd be very stupid to be like, here we go. Tyler starts running. Yeah. I was like, I feel very calm. You're running. Yeah. Tyler just starts running. Wait, Tyler. I start running after Tyler. Okay. Do you go over the edge? Yeah, you do go over the edge, but you don't feel going over the edge. You're running and you just turn 90 degrees and you're just, as you're running, you just suddenly are running in a giant tunnel. Indeed. It seems like the moment you get over the edge, gravity is shifting downwards. Uh,

as if the edges of this tunnel is now, you know, pulling you down. It's safe, fellow servants of the Imperium. Okay, and again, the government. Yeah, we're going to drive the hovercraft over. Okay, you're going to drive through the tunnel? Yeah. I jump back in the hovercraft. Do you want to drive quickly or slowly? Oh,

Oh. Quickly. We don't have much time until the file comes out again. Yeah, it feels like quickly. I turn on the headlights. Okay. There's no headlights on the cover craft, but there are on Mr. Skull. And he has two giant eyes. He goes, ah, life. Can we make him the hood ornament on the cover craft? Yes, dude. So you start driving down this tunnel. It is burnt rock. Almost a perfect cylinder. You're driving straight down it. And then all of a sudden, there's just like. You know what's the perfect cylinder? What? My dick.

Perfect. Wow. Up ahead. It just ends completely flat. Yeah. Perfect cylinder. Up ahead. Almost a straight line. Your dick is huge, but it ends in perfect plastic. He has a huge dick. End circumcision now.

It's a perfect cylinder of rock, and up in the distance, you can see the lights are suddenly reflecting. It looks like there's a straight line, and all of a sudden, there's metal, and it looks like there's a little cone going towards a smaller point. Waze guns out, gentlemen. Oh, Mr. Skull, could you go check that out, please? Yes, of course. So you're saying that as we're going towards it, it becomes like... It all converges into a cone. It converges into a little point. Yes. Tyler's going to go out with the servitor. Vitamix puts a hand on Tyler's shoulder and is like...

Tyler, I know you're really enthusiastic, but I'm the security guy, so I know that I've got other priorities. You just said you wanted to leave the planet on a ship. Yeah, I said it, but I just... You're a coward and a heretic, and the gimbal will deal with you in time. Just stay behind me, all right? All right? All right. All right.

I see. Vitamix is a nice masculine role model for you, young man. Tyler runs to make sure he's ahead of Vitamix. You had your chance and you blew it.

You're not my dad. Now following this guy. My dad is back in Neva's Beacon sucking blambles through his jaw because you idiots couldn't stop my dad. And he branded Tyler Burstyn a dare. Oh, Tyler! Oh, no. And he immediately tries to shake it off and go, no, the mission. The mission must take priority. Okay, so you're running into the cylinder? Yeah, alongside the server. In the back, I go to Norseman. Norseman appears you've lost all your friends, but...

But I have a bit of what I like to call an investment opportunity. Why don't you try my personal air conditioning device? Your what? My personal air conditioning device. My backseat. Wait, have you been doing this on company time? No, no. This is to three hours when we're sleeping. Well, you're supposed to be sleeping so that you can get up and harvest blood berries. That's why the quota's been low. Very well. You don't have time for your damn hobbies, man.

I guess I'll keep my personal conditioning device to myself. Jesus Christ. Who was that? Jesus Christ, who was that? Are you all of you wearing...

Are all you running towards the cylinder? Yep. Okay. The cylinder seems to be converging almost like it's a funnel. So you start climbing. You reach the tip of the cylinder. Yes. You start climbing up the tip of the cylinder. You get to the little hole where there's a funnel. Do you want to crawl through it? How big is it? Big enough that you can crawl. Is it like a servitor skull sized hole? Yeah. Servitor skull can go through it. It'd be big enough for you to crawl through it. Could you take a peek on the other side for us? Tyler's going to go with him because Tyler says, just so you know, if the file goes off again, it

It's going to insinuate everybody who's not in this hole. Yes, good point. Yes, very well. As governor, I say we all go through the hole. Now, hold on. Just so I understand, is the hole funneled down and we're actually crawling down into the earth? Yeah, but I mean, well... We're going sideways. You're sideways. But the gravity's sucking us to the side. I mean, you're going closer and closer to the center of this rock.

Dude, this is what the Paul Giamatti movie Sideways was about. You start crawling through this hole. It's just enough for a single file one at a time. What's the order that you're all going in? I'm second. I'll be going. After you. After you, I insist. No, after you. I know the governor is always first in, last out. Fucking asshole. I go in. As you're crawling, you begin to smell like something's beginning to burn, and you're...

Almost like a lighter beginning to light up. To your right, there's a little opening, almost like another cylinder is connecting to this one. A little T-section, the ventilation shaft that you're climbing in. And you see a service hatch. And it says, engine service hatch, to the right. And you hear the snapping of a fire again. Which direction is it coming from? To the right. To the right? It's coming from the service hatch? The service hatch is to the right. And if you look straight down, you begin to see a little bright light, like fire is about to come. This is one of those Elden Ring fire tunnel things, where you gotta jump to the side so that you don't get...

by the wall of flame. So do you want to get into the service hatch before the fire comes? Yes. The servitor walks up and goes, ah, yes, the service hatch. It has a passcode. It was a passcode that you all heard pieces of previously. I will now solve the puzzle myself. Wait, no, no, no. We can do this. We can do it. Six and nine and seven, two, three. Mine is all between seven and three. All between seven and three. Mine was just 63. I'm pretty sure mine was six, seven, eight, and then something comes after. I had a six and a nine and then something about seven and three. We're not

gonna be able to solve this just read the puzzle then bath you heard he was running into the field to the east and he was mumbling 63 6 and 3

Freddy, you heard all is between seven and three. Okay. Will, you heard they all have numbers six to nine. This might only be for Warhammer nerds, that one, but they all have one, but one of them has two. They have seven and three. They all have numbers six to nine. They all have one. Anthony's clue is seven, nine, eight. But what comes next?

7, 9, 8. All between 7 and 3. 7 and 3. 63. 6 and 3. 7, 9, 8. They all have numbers 6 through... Between 7 and 3, so that means the last digit is probably a 3. So it feels like it's different numbers. It's like a combination. 7, 9, 8, 6, 3? Yes. 7, 9, 8, 6, 3, dude! We did it! Woo!

Sorry. It's for the nerdy stuff. So there's four chaos gods and they all have sacred numbers, nine, eight, seven, six, but then Nurgle has two numbers, seven and three. Oh, great. Oh,

Oh, my God. Is Flynash six and nine? No, Flynash is just six. Which one's 420? None of them. What? The service hatch opens. I'm kicking everybody. Tyler, you slip in. And now, in order, I'm going to increase the difficulty because you begin to see fire coming towards this tube. At any point, Anthony, if you still choose, you get a D, close the door if you want. But the people you leave behind 100% do die.

So I give you that power. Oh my God. Tilarious looks back at this band of brigands and cowards and heretics and he says, the emperor has given me a gift this day and he closes the house. Why? So, I always say this. Here's...

I know not to give that to Andy. So here's what happens. As you close the door, you look around and you see you are in the maintenance shaft and it is some sort of engine room to some starship. You're in some sort of starship. Okay. You three, I'll give you a few moments to... Toy story moment. We all hug each other. When I said you blew it, it was really me. I didn't notice until right now that nothing matters except love. Do you want to make out? Yeah.

The server just goes looking and he's like, you do have the code. You can try to open the door and be stronger. Then

than this child. Of course, of course, of course. Who was behind? I was. You were? Yeah. Do you remember the code? 79863. This is like hiking on Everest. It's your choice. So now the two of them have to hope that you indeed open this door. Yeah, I can fucking do it. So Tyler's got his back up against the door. So you have to do a strength check. Oh, you should try and reprogram it. Do you want to try to convince Tyler slash Anthony to let you in? I realize I'm in love. Yes.

With the Emperor. I realize that nobody matters except for the Emperor. I love that I can't ever see him. I love long-distance relationships, and I was thinking that I would devote my life to him. There is a persuasion skill. Well, I have a better strength than persuasion. I will let Beth roll.

Beth gets a chance to roll. So I'll roll my strength as well. Yeah, roll your strength as well. Beth, you have three wrath points. What did you get? I got no successes. Oh. I got three successes in a core game. Wow. Sorry, guess the podcast can't be funny. Okay, Vitamix pushes the door open. Hilarious, he's coming and goes, oh, the god Emperor must have chosen you to be spelled. Close the door behind you. And hold it tight.

I close the door. What? We just made out! It was such an unsatisfying kiss that you're like, I do love the Emperor now more than anything. Who's your rump springer from the Emperor? You and Nordstrom. I'll let you each roll a strength check. Wait, did you really close the door? Yeah. You two now roll a strength check against you two. Yep. Okay.

It's like we're combining them, right? I got three successes and a corgi. I got one success. We cancel each other out. One success. You need to roll better than three successes. And a critical on the wrath die. Oh, shit. I have one strength point. Okay, so it's not possible, Marth.

I have two wrath points. You can burn them, dude. What about the servitor? Servitor's in here with me. I got a one on my dice roll. So you could fail. Vitamix and Tyler, you've decided to push the service hatch closed. And you're listening to the struggles of your, I guess, just two compatriots behind you. I'm not listening. I'm talking. I'm like, yeah, she was leading me on. Ha ha ha!

Vitamix! Vitamix! I will cut to you guys. Okay, I got the servo skull. He goes, oh, well, you two are quite ruthless. The emperor does. Wait, did the servitor make it through? Yeah, he was in front. Yeah, he was in front. I was right behind him. Mr. Skull, open the door! I am not strong enough to open the door. There's nothing I can do. Mr. Skull, I have good news. There's new management in town. I said blow yourself up and kill them.

It can't do that. It can start trying to kill itself. I can't really kill it. You're telling me these fucking Imperium guys, they don't have a self-destruct mechanism? Hey, it's their final wish. You know what? I want to blow the door up so that I can get through. It does not have any way to blow up a door. It is just a skull with little thrusters and little scribes and pens and shit. I can't blow up a door.

It can write you a poem real quick. What it can't do. You can ask for some recipes. Okay. Mr. Skull does hear you. So this is what happens. This is the time. This is what happens. Mr. Skull, having come into this room, is just kind of flying around and analyzing everything. He's kind of freaking out a little bit. And you hear him muttering something about Space Hulk. Space Hulk. A ship. This whole planet.

We're in a ship. But when he hears your command, Nordstrom, he is going to kind of snap out of it, turn really sharply and look right at you two, Vinamux and Taylor. And he's indeed going to listen to you, Will. And he's going to fly straight at them, trying to, I don't know, attack them or hit them with a skull or whatever it is. You have a very small chance of it hurting one of them. You can go ahead and try to swat it away if you want. I have my backup against the door. I'll just take out my last pistol and shoot at it. Okay. Ballistics plus agility, I believe.

Oh, bro. Three successes. I'm going to roll my weapon skill, which I get seven dice for. Cool. Cool. So...

And I also got three successes. So, Mr. Skull, the exposition piece as well, you've discarded. If your name is Mr. Skull, can I get some hay? And then you realize that Vitamix might not be a good person. You succeed so well that you shoot Mr. Skull in the head that causes him to spin off course and he is sliced in half by... What do you have, Beth? Do you have a gun also? I actually use my knife. Okay, yeah, you slice Mr. Skull in half. Oh, no. And his last words are...

deleted. Um, and it dies. We're inside the tube with you two now. Okay. Okay. Shoot their gun and swing their knife. They took their hands off the door. No, my back's up against that. You're not pushing against it. I am. I have my feet braced. You could hold a door closed. Well, Beth can't swing a knife without taking a step. It was flying at me. I just skewered it, man. All right. I'm going to give you each one desperate last move to do. Uh,

I personally, as Holy Father, DM, friend, and fellow player, have absolutely no idea what you could do to make you not die as much as I wish it could. I am hoping you two can think of something that can convince you. I mean, we could just do another strength check. I'm going to run to the hover mobile.

And activate my personal air conditioning unit, which is, I will note now, revealing to all of you, that asteroid, bro, that asteroid carried...

foul warp crystals at least you're gonna die slightly temperate and i'm activating my thing i'm like invention don't fail me now like they say it wants to be a billionaire is that your final answer that is what you've chosen to do okay well so phrase ran off to the governor raft the governor raft and you see light is flowing through the tunnel and yes the fire is coming towards you

Betrayed by her son and the only man she ever loved, Nordstrom Brack realizes that only an act of true faith can save her. Oh, okay. So she decides to walk into the flames and count on the grace of the Holy Father, the God Emperor himself, to spare her. This is what the adeptus sororitas do and it works for them sometimes. Yep, it does. Okay. So here's what we're going to do. The flames come.

An engine turns on. These engines are like 10 times Apollo engines. Like these are, you guys were walking through something that's just a mile long. No, you don't roll anything. You walk towards the flames and tell me your last words. So...

Nordstromrack shuts her eyes and walks towards the heap and says, Love the Emperor, for he is the salvation of mankind. Obey his words, for he will lead you into the light of the future. Heed his wisdom, for he will protect you from evil. Whisper his prayers into the wind. The light of the future! Instantly, you're gone. Fire! Did you roll something? No, there's just nothing. It's just a...

It's very hard to see depth towards you. That's why you can't see on a train track. Myrmix swings open the door. It's like, beautiful roads. Tilarious dives out of the way. The door that's about to get engulfed in flame.

Do you do that? What if I do? Okay. One second. So fine. This is the hardest we've ever made it for the DM. And this is Matt's second time ever DMing. Freddie. Yeah. You're on the cover. My God, I'm running. You're on the cover. Invention don't fail me now. Explain to me what you're doing.

So I'm just getting into the Gubbercraft and juicing it back the way we came while I'm activating and turning this air conditioner device I have on my belt to full power, Matt. 100%. In fact, I even pry up the knob and I...

manually pull it even farther than it's past 100% and it's vibrating with the dark. It's vibrating? It's working? It's feeling cool in there? And it's vibrating with the dark energy of the warp, man. The warp? Because there are warp crystals in there and I go, yeah. Yeah? So it's feeling cool on your skin?

I go, invention, don't fail me now. This will be it. This is my ticket out of here. You're gone. The engine. If the fellow citizens of Navis can see, what they do see is giant columns of fire shooting out into the sky, which you now recognize as the fuel exhaust of a giant, giant spaceship. Beth.

You said that you opened the door. Look, I heard beautiful words. I thought there was love for me. I'm sorry, Matt. Is it fucking illegal to fucking fall in love? Here's what I'm going to do. I was like, maybe somebody can care about me. It's not illegal. No cop is pulling you over. Nobody's stopping you from happening. But fire doesn't have mold. Fire doesn't care about your feelings. I thought that somebody in the universe would give us mold.

about me so no this is the warhammer universe i'm going to let the difference is going to be this is i'm going to let anthony roll an agility test okay you obviously are not because you open the door anthony roll an agility test i mean i didn't open the door and still like dodge and there's no safety mechanism that doesn't allow the door to be open there really should be

I said that. Do I roll athletics? I would have said yes, but then I clearly explained that that's what I would have done. But then Beth decided that she still wanted to open the door and I don't want to tell her no. So she decided to open the door. Okay. So I'm athletics. Yeah.

It's a Corgi and a six. So four successes and a critical wrath success. Okay. Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to roll damage to both of you. Okay. Because fired. I mean, it's just a small little, uh, small little damage. Don't worry. I'm going to roll fire damage. What is each of yours? Resilience. Five, five, five. And how many wounds do you have? Max wounds is six for me. Oh, max wounds three. I'm a sensitive soul. Okay.

I'm rolling 10 dice. Jesus. Matt's disappointed. That means we lived. Yeah, so what happens is you open the door and you scream. What were your words to Nordstrom? Come back. Oh, no. So you say, come back. And psh. And flames. Flames. And now burst. Burst. Burst.

into your little small maintenance chamber and it fills the entire room and you both get flashburned because it's just in and out. You both take two wounds. Clock. You stand up and you find yourself alone. Blimey. Why did that happen? Laughter

Behind you, you see the hatch that you shut on your friends has fused. Friends is kind of pushing it. Has fused and melted shut. There's no way back. The lights around you flicker. In front of you, a large metallic door slides open and shut, damaged from the blast. Blood is smeared along the handle, clearly from the guardsman that you were searching for. But before he left the room, he spent some of his blood painting the same symbol he showed you. The same symbol that somebody slipped into Nordstrom's pocket.

The eight-pointed star in honor of chaos, a sin against the emperor, and a sign of certain death to all those who see it. I'm scared.

Dad Hammer is Matt Arnold as our God Emperor DM. Anthony Birch is Tilarius Andromedus. Will Campos is Nordstrom Rack. Beth May is Vitamix Blendar. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Juiciest Lucius. Theme song by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Cordy Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. And Travis Reeves provides additional editing. The rest of this series will be on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads where you can find...

the other miniseries we've done, some of which obliquely tie into the main feed storyline, others of which are just, well, I don't know how I would describe the Star Wars one, Gungans and Daddies, all that jizz. Other than, let's just say, it lives up to the title. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Thanks for listening, thanks for supporting us, and Season 3 will continue November 5th. We will see you then. I'm so Eisenhorny! You're such a Horus heresy.

She siege on my terror until I... Who have eyes in their horn? She eyes in my horn until I Xenos. Come for the come good.