"Santa"
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Smart. Blast. Guys, what a day, huh? Listen, I'm going to be the first to wish you Happy Christmas Eve Morn. Yeah, Happy Christmas Eve Morn to you guys too. What are you guys going to do tonight? You know what we're going to do? We're all going to see each other, I think. Yeah. Uh-huh. On Christmas Eve. No, not me. I'm not going to see you guys tonight because I'm not with you guys right now.

Oh, well, that's okay. We'll just zoom you in. We're going to zoom in. Let's make this our little family tradition. No matter what, we do a little Zoom-sies with our fams and stuff. Yeah, I would love that. I would love that. Let's do it. Do you guys have an ugly Christmas sweater? I went to an ugly Christmas sweater party once, and I went on Etsy and bought one for like frickin' $300. It like plugs into a battery pack and everything. It's got lights and stuff on it. Really? Yeah, I might dust that thing off and have fun.

break it out. I'm not a big fan of the ugly Christmas sweater thing. But I will say this. I do own one that somebody had made for me. That's just a sweater. And it says Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. But like in nice Christmassy letters. I swear to God. It's really cute. Speaking of sweaters, by the way, it's Christmas Eve. It is Christmas Eve and I do want to say this.

My mom has been asking me a lot about the sweaters that she knitted for both you guys. She knitted me a real fetching vest. Yes, and she wants photos. Will you guys do me a favor? We'll make her Christmas morning if I can tomorrow morning show her a picture from each of you just wearing the sweater. Do you think I'm going to give your mother a picture of me in a sweater vest so she can go off and do her mad posting like she's so known for? Who is she posting? The social media profile on her. She's not posting anywhere. Crazy.

She wants to see. She spent weeks knitting those sweaters for you guys. I'll totally do that. Wait, do you guys open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas? Christmas. We'll do one on Christmas Eve. Really? Just to release the valve a little bit? A little bit for the kids, yeah. Yeah, we don't do that. But we'll do Christmas morning. And it's just a matter of tomorrow morning it's going to be, especially the littles,

keeping them from just... I just want to be able to get past 8.30 in the morning, you know, without all the gifts unwrapped and like, well, now what do we do? I know. Like, just stretch it out a little bit. Yeah. And watch TV. It's just another day. It ends up being just another day. Just another day to watch TV. It's like when Sean, every time Sean buys a new house, it's just another place to watch TV. Yeah.

It is really true. I mean, if any link I've ever seen of any piece of real estate, it's always like, where's the TV room? Yeah, I know. That's it. Where would I be watching the TV? It's like when we're on tour. Remember, every time we go into any hotel, Jason would find the couch that was perpendicular to the TV. You have the remote, and he's like, this is my spot. Uh-huh.

Well, you know what? On Christmas, you can do whatever you want. And Christmas is such a magical time of the year. And I feel really blessed that we got our guests who we got today. And that we do have somebody here who knows a thing or two about Christmas. This is somebody who lives way up north.

in the northernmost part of the North Pole. We are so lucky. Without further ado, you guys, it's Santa Claus. What? Wait, what? We're talking to Santa Claus. Santa? So you're just resting up before... He's smoking a butt?

I'm joking. How are you guys? Listen, I don't have a lot of time, right? And he's Persian. No, I'm not Persian. What are you talking about? St. Nicholas. I'm Serbian. I'm Serbian. I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking Santa Claus is American, English, whatever. Look in the history books. He's always been Serbian. Okay? St. Nicky. So...

Saint Nikolaj. Saint Nikolaj. From the Nikola's Light of Tree. The family's from Belgrade and, you know, it's always been Serbian.

But look, I don't have a lot of fucking time, man. Oh, God. Is it true that your sleigh used to get pulled by goats then instead of reindeer? That's when we, early days, that's all we had. And then my fifth cousin, he said, what about the reindeer? Just off the top of his head. And we're like, sure, we can eat them. He's like, no, no, no, they can fly. And he's like, shut up.

Shut up. Why do you have reading glasses on? You're not reading anything. I don't... Look. Do you know how old I am? Do you know? Every day I wake up in a ball of pain. Okay? And I can't see four feet...

In front of my face. So, Santa, you got a hell of a night. You're wearing glasses. You got a real, you got a hell of a night ahead of you. I mean, this is your day. This is your biggest day of the year, right, Santa? This, without question. What kind of question is that? Well, here it comes. It's the only day of the year that counts. And, you know, let me tell you something. The strike fucked us, okay? Okay.

Because here's what happened. You guys, you know, you do your strikes and everyone loves Hollywood and then the elves start getting ideas. Oh, you guys, oh, they started getting ideas. Elves tried to organize? Elves totally organized. And look, I can't do what I do without the elves. There's no question. Okay, so I respect them. Sure, but be honest. But be honest. What else is an elf going to do? It's the only, they don't have any other job skills. Well, they could do stand-in work for young actors.

I guess. Yeah? I guess. Wait, Santa, Santa, are you willing to go on record? Did the elves, did Fran Drescher get to the elves? Fran, you know what? Let's, that isn't, I dropped my cigarette. I think it's in your beard. You're on fire, Santa. Fran Drescher, that is a dirty word in our household, Fran Drescher.

She got them all riled up. And then next thing you know... Okay, so... Here we go. It's always been standard. They get like four sugar plums. Right. They wanted a break.

They wanted, you know, they wanted standardized working hours. They wanted to, instead of a 22-hour day, they wanted 21. Are they concerned about AI at all? Well, AI, it's here to stay. Yeah, right. So you got a log starter. Wow. When did you start smoking? I got to tell you, not until the last 10 years, because...

You know what the number one gift now is? What's that? High-end mattresses. Yes, Nectar. So I got to load mattresses.

So... Oh, boy. That takes up a lot of space on the sleigh, I bet. It goes anything from Paw Patrol and Bluey. And then the number three is mattresses. That's everyone's list. They want a high-end mattress. So I'm like, fine. But do you realize how much time and... I can only imagine. I'm cramming mattresses through the whole... I'm like...

I'm busting up windows. I'm tearing through French doors. Anything to get the mattress in. Because they don't go down the chimney. Only you go down the chimney, right? You can't roll them up and put them down there like that. And what's crazy is a lot of mattress guys, they're like, they won't do flights of stairs. They get to the house, they're like, no, we don't. And the elves won't for sure. So I've got three mattresses strapped to my back.

And I am this close to, you know, calling it. No. Yes. Wait, wait. You're this close? I am this close. You might call it quits. This close.

This could be the last year. Wow. There's a very good chance. Well, do you do any sort of like a... Unless they revolutionize the mattress. What if you just bring a bunch of yoga mats? You think people will go for that instead? I guess. Maybe. Now, do you do any carbo-loading today and get ready for the big night? By the way, I don't want a ton of ladders to the North Pole telling me that elves can't do anything but work on toys and build mattresses. Okay? I don't want to hear about it. Noted. Okay.

Okay. We'll reinforce that afterward. Santa, how do you spend your time after you deliver all the toys and the gifts and everything? What's your down time? Hold on, hold on. Real quick, hold on. I need to pay the bills. I'm sorry. Oh, here comes an ad. There's DNA, then there's heavy-duty DNA. HDNA.

It's what every GMC Sierra HD is born with. Unbelievable. And it's engineered into every aspect of the GMC Sierra HD. With the pulling power to prove it. Toe hitches of the world. Prepare for glory. Prepare for glory. Wait, are you... Do you endorse... Do you work for GMC? Yes, I work for GMC. And guess who doesn't? Do you? Not anymore. I guess not. Do you? Yeah.

Is that a GMC sleigh that you're rocking?

Did I get a thumbs up from your audio team? Do you think that was good? It came through just perfect. It came through clean. Guys, is it clean? Yeah. Bennett, is it clean? Super, super clean. Came through perfect. Great. Thank you. Sean had a great question. My question is, do you have any sort of prep that you do to get ready for tonight as far as, like, you know, stretching out or eating a bunch of carbs? And then Sean wanted to know, what do you do to relax after your big night? Like, do you have a spa day tomorrow or...

I'll definitely do a cold plunge tomorrow. Do a cold plunge. That's just right there outside the house up north? Mostly, I'm just... I have a lot of lists. I have a lot of coordinates navigating. I have to figure out, you know...

Jason, I don't know if you know, I have to do the whole world in one night, okay? So I got to get my ducks in a row. In fact, it's unbelievable that I'm talking to you right now. We really appreciate the time. Do you ever wear anything else besides that outfit? Or is that the outfit you wear every single day? Sean, I have to tell you something. I don't know the other two so much. But you, my friend, you are very talented. Growing up in Serbia as a young man, we only had two channels.

And we loved you in Three's Company. I mean, what you did, that was a very subversive show. We knew all the things you guys were saying. Yeah, sure. And the commentary on American propaganda and consumerism and the

The fact that Jack was a spy for the US government. Anyway, thank you. That was fun. Well, thank you for getting it. Thank you for getting it. Right, and everything behind, I remember the song, all the kisses are hers and his and hers. Yes. Right? Right. Yes. That was very racy for Serbia, wasn't it? That was good shit. Hey, have you ever seen the film Elf? I've always wondered that. Have you ever seen that?

I don't like any of the Christmas movies, no. I haven't seen them. You should try that one. That one is very, very good. Very good. The one I watched and I absolutely loved was A Diva's Christmas Carol starring Diana Ross. That one is the most realistic one I've seen. I've seen so far.

Excuse me for laughing. I'm not laughing. But Diana Ross, she can sing. Yep. But boy, can she act. Okay, well, we'll have to check that out. Yeah, please do. If you're going to see one. What's it called again? A Divas Christmas Carol, Diana Ross. Sure.

A diva's Christmas carol. Okay. So you don't care for any of the actors who have portrayed you in films? No, because it's all crap. It's all bullshit. You would think someone would get on a Zoom with me and say, hey, what's it really like? But no, you know, whatever. I don't have time to talk about this. I know you don't have time. So let me just ask you really quick, because I know you do have to go. What are you going to go do? What do you do to go and kind of relax after your cold plunge? What do you do to kind of...

Let the release valve, you know. Do you and the Mrs. of Mrs. Santa Claus, do you guys do anything to just kind of take it down? We have a timeshare in Boca, so we'll do that. Okay. But seriously, I say don't look at me until St. Patrick's Day. Okay. Don't even look at me. You're a wreck. I'm a wreck. I'm an absolute wreck. Do you have kids?

No, we never got around to it. We never got around to it. How many butts, how many cigs do you get through on Christmas Eve? Oh, I go through, I mean, this is on my wish list, parliaments, and I go through. It must be difficult to get those things fired up once you're up there on the sleigh. Yep, once you're in high altitude. And that's when I get that nicotine withdrawal.

Right around Southeast Asia. You just go right to the patch. That's a real kick in the pants. Yes, or the gum, but the gum will get caught in the beard. You sound a little like Will Arnett now that you're older and you're smoking more. Well, it has an effect on the vocal cords. How old were you when your beard turned white? 19. That's tough. 19.

Who are the naughtiest kids? Just what area of the world do you find the naughtiest kids? I'll give you their names right now. Brian Barner, Patrick Russo, Jerry Hampton, Tom Robinson.

Alexander Nails. Alexander Nails. So they're getting, what do they get? Coach John Malcolm. Do they really get coal or is that just a wives' tale? They get coal. They get coal. I can't find coal as easily as, and it's no one wants. Yeah, the wokesters, they got rid of all the coal. With the mattress it weighs down the sleigh and et cetera. Understood.

So, you know what I find that they were really bummed out about fruit. I give them fruit. Give them a pineapple or a kumquat. Overly ripe or not ripe at all. It can't be. Or a lemon. And sometimes if I put a little inscription on note, a lemon, I say, suck it.

Just to personalize it. Yeah. What's the dumbest letter you ever got? Do you remember any of your dumb letters? The dumbest letter I ever got was from Jimmy Carter's brother, Billy Carter. Yep. And he wanted...

He was already in his cups. What did Billy want? I don't even remember what it was, but I just remember thinking, these guys are jackass. And, you know. Clearly banged up. It proved to be true. And having no kids of yourself and having only to, like, deal with them all these years, do you still love kids? Do you still love being around them? Like, do you look forward to this year? Look, I come off like I'm in a bad mood. I love kids. I do. Sure. The kids are why I come back to it. Yeah. Uh,

Because, you know, for the most part, the kids are the future, right? Right. Sure. I guess so. I mean, it feels like you're just quoting a song, like a Whitney Houston song. Oh, the kids are the future. Yeah.

And it could get all the kids to hold hands around the world. Oh, no. And sing a song in harmony. Oh, boy. What a better place this would be, right? This is a Coca-Cola ad. If we could get animated polar bears along with kids. Oh, my God. This is a Coca-Cola. And if the polar bear drank a bottle of pop.

How easy would that be? What are you making in endorsements pre-tax? What are you pulling in a year gross, would you estimate? Well, we're talking euros? Euros is fine. We'll take it in euros. Pre-tax? Pre-tax. Well, the Serbian tax system is... I'm making about 47 million. 47 million euros.

Gross. You have trouble finding things to spend that on up north. I'm about to buy Chelsea. Chelsea football club. Yeah, you got to bid in.

So here's the thing. If that goes through, I'm done. You're done with Christmas. I'm done with all this. You hand over the gig to who? To the missus? I'll hand it over to, you know, I don't care. I'll hand it over to you three jokers. Can you make this clear? If that ends up happening, I know it's in the works, and you don't want to talk too much about it because it's still in the works right now. Yeah, I can't. You can't say too much. But maybe just ask you this. If you retain control...

of Chelsea Football Club. Will you try to get American Christian Pulisic back on the squad? That will be my first move. That's your first move. I knew it. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait, Santa, I want to know, what does somebody get you as a gift? Oh, good question. Like the guy who has everything. Yeah, well, obviously, I'm never going to say no to parliaments. I like a comfortable walking shoe, like Clark's. Sure. Okay.

Johnstons? Sure. Or have you tried the, oh gosh, what's the, I should know this. How about the shoes that you don't have to reach down to put on? Oh, Skechers? Sure. Those work for you? I love a good Skecher, yep. There may be, I can't say anything, but fingers crossed there may be a Skechers collab with Snoop in the future. With you and... Me and St. Nicholas.

Nicklaus and Snoop. Wow. Yeah. Wow. So we're making news. Is that okay to report that? That's okay. That's okay. That's like we're on the five-yard line on that one. Okay, gotcha. So, Santa, again, before we let you go, what are you looking at? When are you looking to be wheels up? Wheels up. We've got to start. Oh, God. Let me see.

What's that? Yeah. No, I know. What happened? No, just my chief navigator says that the Icelandic volcano erupted again, so we're going to have to go around. Oh, you're going to have to circumvent. Okay. So we'll probably have to leave 3 o'clock my time, 3 p.m. 3 p.m. your time.

Here's another secret. In order to deliver all the toys in time, I have to do some of it in daylight. And it's just, you know... Wow. Oh, the kids must hate that. And the kids sometimes see me, and I have to threaten them. I'm like, don't tell anyone, or you won't get another gift. Oh, so kids have seen you, but the reason it hasn't come out is because you've threatened that they'll never get another gift. Threaten them, and I also have their little...

memory wiper from Anand Black. Oh, she... That started with you, huh? I have that, yeah. I have that. I have that. I love that you're Serbian. I can't wait to spread that around. Are you spending a lot of time back in Belgrade these days? Well, look, it's not a safe place to be. It's still pretty hot. Okay, sure. Yeah, it's hot, so yes. And...

I have to roll heavy when I go to Belgrade. The elves look sweet, yes, but they are well trained. Okay. And they know how to handle themselves. They sure do.

Sure, do you know personally... But we'll stop. We'll go to Belgrade. We'll go to Nobu and we'll say hi to people. Yeah, we'll do all the usual places. Maybe have a meal with Novak Djokovic or, you know... Maybe with the Joker, yeah, sure.

Some of Ili Nastazi's family. Oh, no kidding. Yeah, yeah. He's Romanian. Yeah, he is Romanian. But he spends time in... He comes over for the shops. Yeah, he loves the shopping.

Okay, well, Santa, listen, again, obviously it's a really busy day. Is there any message that you want to sort of leave our listener with or the kids of the world just on this epic thing? Well, yeah, I think I said it. I want all the kids to hold hands around the world and sing a song of peace and joy and harmony. All right. Brought to us by who?

Buy Coke. Coke Zero. The new Coke Zero. The new Coke Zero, it might be, and I'm not just saying this. I'm not just saying this. It might be the best Coke ever. I'm not just saying it. Okay. I'm not just saying it. Well, listen, Santa, what a treat for us to be able to spend just a bit part of Christmas Eve with you. Yeah, it was a treat for you. It was a waste of time for me. I know, I know. I'm going to, look, are we done? Yeah.

Listen, best of luck tonight. I hope you have a great one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Safe flight. Oh, he's out already. Oh, he left. He left so quickly. Well, we wish him luck. We hope he sobers up just a little bit before he gets behind the reins. Yeah. To all our fans and everywhere, and from Santa, we can speak for Santa, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone. We love you guys. Merry Christmas to you guys. I love you guys so much. Love you guys.

Have a great, great rest of the Christmas Eve and an incredible day tomorrow. Merry Christmas, you guys, and happy holidays. We love you. And let's just say a very, very special Christmas. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

This episode was exquisitely handcrafted by our favorite Santa's little helpers. SmartLess. If you like SmartLess, you can listen early and add free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.