"Amy Sedaris"
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Good morning, afternoon, or evening. You are watching Public Access with Sean Hayes, Jason Bateman, and Will Arnett. This is not public. It's just like a regular podcast. And it's called Smartless, and it's a brand new episode, and here we go. Welcome to Smartless. Smart. Less. Smart. Less.

Jason, we're doing this episode while you're in Atlanta right now, and it looks like you're in a laundry room. Or you're in a closet. Yeah, I'm in the closet. Go ahead, Will. Go ahead. Did I tee that up high enough for you? No, no. It's too easy, right? That's low-hanging fruit, which I want to point out at all times. Low-hanging fruit, still fruit. Yeah.

So low-hanging fruit and in the closet could actually be the same. Yeah, exactly. I thought you could combine those two pitches and really hit something deep. Yeah. No? Have you... Jason, were you the one telling me about the Formula One series? You were watching that, right, on Netflix there? I thought... Did you tell... Somebody told me about that. It is...

Unbelievable. I'm all, because I was never, I was like, Formula One, who? I don't even know what that is. His heirs. And then started watching it. Incredible. What is it? It's incredible. Yeah, I got to get on that. What is it? It's a docu-series on Netflix about the Formula One season. And so now they've done three seasons. I don't know what that is. Formula One race car driving in Europe. Oh, I'm all in. Yeah. I'm all in. I'm all in.

Honestly, Sean, you say... Holy crap. Wait, they made a documentary about this? About driving cars. You're joking about it now. Wait till you watch. It is so incredible. These guys are unbelievable. I'm all F1 now. By the way, first of all, first and foremost, I'm FU. But then I'm F1. But speaking of odd sports to get addicted to... Hmm.

Um, well, you know, I am enjoying the rekindled addiction that you've spawned in me with golf. You know, Sean, Will got me back into golf during COVID. He got me into this podcast and into golf. Yeah. So, but I've just about 20 minutes ago realized my new bottom in this addiction. You know, people that are in addiction, you know, they say, oh, my bottom was

When I, you know, slid off the highway and that got me into rehab. Okay. So I just found my bottom with golf 20 minutes ago. Bottom being an intentional pun. I was sitting on the Johnny. Yep. And I was practicing my swing.

Okay. Wall on the John. And I really was focused on sort of a wrist hinge and an elbow tuck thing. And then I realized, wait, I'm late for the podcast. That's a true story. That's my, that's a new bottom. But here's the good news. You can look at it like that, or you can look at it like when it comes to golf, you give a shit.

God, that's great. This is why you get paid so much money well. But wait, I knew you were like massive golfer during pandemic, but didn't you love it before that? I did, but not like this. He quit for many years. Yeah, and then... I called him up one day and I go, let's go play golf. We played like three times and within three weeks, we were at Pebble Beach. So that's how quickly it accelerated. I got it back.

with my brother Kevin and when I found out they didn't have cars you had to walk everywhere I was like I'm out I'm out who's walking I'm not walking 18 miles you should meet our friend Josh he goes the same way you do um

I apologize to our tour surprise guest. Oh, no, here we go. I'm telling a boring story and I was late. No, this girl you're going to say hello to today, I think you all know, but is one of the loves of my life. She's a brilliant writer, a brilliant actress, a brilliant craftswoman, which she should turn into a superhero character. Does that mean... Craftswoman. Craftswoman, does that mean smoking the...

The jazz cigarettes? No, that's no jazz cigarettes. My granddad. She's a former member of Second City. She's starred in a million animated shows, a million movies, a million TV shows like Broad City, Difficult People, most notably as Jerry Blank in Strangers with Candy, and now the true TV series At Home with Amy Sedaris. No way. My gorgeous date for the day, the extremely limber Amy Sedaris. No way. No way.

- Hello, Amy. - Amy. - Oh, look at her. - Oh my God, your conversation. - Is terrible. - Was hilarious. - Is dumb. - What? - First of all, that book, did you ever read John Daly's book, "The Golfer"?

No. No. It's really good because the guy had zero boundaries. Yeah. And he had crazy relationships, went through money. It's a very entertaining book. Wait, but what are you doing reading? I highly recommend it. What are you doing reading a book on golfing? Are you a closet golfer like me? No, my dad was a golfer, but I've read a lot. I like reading books about athletes, and I've read Golf My Way. Remember that book? Yeah. Was that Jack, whatever his name is, Jack Nicholson? Did you really? Yeah. Yeah.

But the John Daly book is really worth picking up. Are you a big sports fan? No, but I like watching documentaries about athletes. You were talking about that race car. I'll watch it. But I watched the one about the Italian guy that was on HBO maybe. Did you watch the Bee Gees documentary? I did. I did watch the Bee Gees documentary. I wanted more from that.

Anyway, hi, guys. Hi. I wanted them to be more athletes. Sean, they're not athletes. I know. But I'm just saying, like, things that I wouldn't. Why would you go to the Bee Gees? Just things that I wouldn't normally watch. Like, I didn't care about the Bee Gees. Because the word documentary triggered it. I know. That's why. You know what? I want to say something. This is interesting. You bring it up.

there's something about these days when you say documentary now, people feel like it's a substitute for reading. So they go like, I watch lots of documentaries, like as if that makes them smart. I'm like, who gives a shit? You were watching TV. Yeah. Big deal. That's what I was going to say. I understand watching documentaries. I still don't understand sitting down and reading for pleasure. That's incredible. Reading for recreation. It's relaxing.

But Amy, you take it to a whole new level by reading about something that's not even on your passion. And it's about a guy who, God bless John Daly, but he's not currently racing for the championship right now. He's sort of, but I guess maybe that's what was interesting about the book is what's going on with him now kind of thing. But-

What's interesting about the book is that he had zero boundaries. He couldn't help himself. He had no control. And the funny part is his wife stabbed him in the hand with a fork at the dinner table. She went to prison. It's just like, it's just crazy.

Crazy shit. Wait, now it sounds good. Yeah, it really is. And like I said, it's not well written, but, you know, he has two pages of just like non-sequitur words that come to his mind. But it's okay. Amy, not well written. You tried writing a book half in the bag. You know what I mean? I mean, that's nuts. No.

I mean, he's not a writer and that makes it even more entertaining. It's not like... But he's honest, though. Yeah, okay. He's honest. It was really cool seeing him play with his son at that father-son tournament a few months ago. That was great. I don't know if you guys saw that. I did. I missed that. Oh, yeah. His son's a great golfer, too. That one she missed. I regret it.

Amy, first of all, thank you for being here today. You're so nice to join us. Very, very nice. Oh, thanks for having me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And other than us barging in on your life today, I think I speak for lots of people when like, what does a typical Saturday, for example, look like at Amy Sedaris' apartment? Like, what do you, how do you occupy your free time? Because I feel like you're always going. I am always going. I have a lot of chores.

I have a rabbit, so I've got hay to deal with. I've got constantly vacuuming. And then today I had a stretching class before this. I work out with a lady every Saturday. It's a stretching class. They teach you how to stretch.

Well, yeah, you're just reaching for the stars and stuff. So I did that before. Do you sweat in that class? Is it as annoying as yoga where you sweat just because you're stretching? It calms me down. It's good for me. It's a good, you know, I just do it every Saturday morning from 11 to 12. Just because I'm curious, what are the plastic bags hanging in the back there? I'm obsessed with those. Plastic bags? Yeah, I'm trying to go bigger on that screen. They're costumes. Oh, um...

- Customs, a little on that. - They're all our costumes. - They're gingham dress bags. I had a friend make me. So it's like wardrobe. This is my dress up room. This is where I come to get ready for events. And I do Zoom calls from here. - Oh, nice. - Okay. - Wait a second. Are you going to enough events to dedicate an entire room for prep?

- Well, no, I actually live in the apartment downstairs and this is my playroom. They're not attached. The apartments aren't attached. I just got it 'cause I didn't want anyone above me. - I get that. - It's like the writer's room. - And you love New York. You love New York. You don't ever wanna move from there. Is that where you're gonna die? We're gonna have to like discover you in a pile of yarn and glue.

I mean, I like the energy of New York City. I kind of need it because I live by myself and I need that stimulation. It's like when I go to North Carolina or Los Angeles, I just don't know. Coffee just isn't enough. You know, I just...

It's just I'm not stimulated. How often are you seeing Justin Theroux? I saw him last night, and he said to say hello to all of you. Five days a week maybe? You guys are fairly close, right? I haven't seen him in a while, but I did. I saw him last night and told him I was doing this. And he's like, why? They have never asked me to do it. That sounds like him. That sounds like him. Sleeves or no sleeves? Last night. Last night.

No sleeves. He had no sleeves. Oh, God bless. What does that mean, no sleeves? He cut off. Cut off his shirt. And Selena was on the cover. Oh, really? I think it's got to be snowing for him to Velcro his sleeves on. I thought about giving him, and I told him this for his birthday like three years ago, I was just going to give him a nice wrap box and he opened it up and it was just a,

a box full of sleeves. Yeah, different colors, different textures. Just because he obviously doesn't have any. No, beer cozy. Let me tell you something. If I had those guns... I know, I know. We're just jealous. Well, we're going to see a lot of them because he's doing press now for Mosquito Coast and he's got his muscles out for every picture he's sent me. He's in white jeans or has big muscles. You know what's crazy, Sean? So you have... Amy's your guest here. You introduce her. You give all her credit, all these great things.

We did, I don't know, six, seven seasons of BoJack. I never saw Amy once. Now, for the pilot, we saw each other. That's it. What do you mean? How does that work? So you guys don't see each other when you record? Oh, my God. This TCA is going great, by the way. We don't know. We would do table reads, and the best part would be

On the table read, everybody else was in Los Angeles around this table. Everybody else. Everybody except for Amy. And Amy, every once in a while, somebody else would have to call in because they were out of town, whatever. But Amy would be on a speakerphone in the middle. And the speakerphone was right in front of me. Most of it, like 99% of the time. And Paul Tompkins and I sat next to each other. And we were just waiting because Amy would also sometimes just as a, you know, to help out, she'd do other voices. Yeah.

And she'd really commit to these other voices. Yeah. And she was so, and Paul Tompkins and I were waiting. We were like, who's going to come up next? Your overseas operator, oh please. But then I never got to do them in the recording. I'm like, come on.

Come on, this is my operator voice, no? Like, no. Just do Princess Caroline. It's Caroline. I didn't even know my name. But I would have to be on hold like 10 minutes hearing you guys laugh in the room and you're laughing and talking. And I'm just like, why don't we just start 15 minutes late? And there was a delay. So sometimes I wanted to laugh, but it would just interrupt your, you know, you guys reading it.

You were so good though with the delay and everything. And you were so, I mean, I can't imagine. Cause I, again, the speaker was right in front of me. I was such a loud mouth. You must've been, it must've been exhausting with the delay and me barking my voice out at you. You did bark your voice, but it's such a, you have such a great voice and you were so good in that part. I mean,

Oh, God. Wait, so I love reading, you know, obviously you and your brother's books are great because he talks a little bit about you guys growing up and everything. And I love those stories about you and those early years. Talk a little bit of, because I don't really know, like how, what was that move like from North Carolina to Chicago to go do Second City? Like, how did that all go down? Well,

- Well, I was waitressing in North Carolina, in Raleigh, the capital, and David went to the Art Institute and he said, "Oh, there's a place here called Second City, "and I think you'd be perfect for it "because you're kind of writing on your feet. "You do characters, you make things up on the spot." He goes, "You should come here and do a workshop."

So I did, and I loved it, so I ended up staying. And I took classes, and then I got in the touring company, and then I got on main stage. But that's where I met Colbert and Danello and Tim Meadows.

So that's kind of, that's where we all met. And then your goal is to find people that you work well with there. And then I'm just so glad that I still work with Paul and Steven. Of course. And you guys had such an incredible run together. And, but you, so it wasn't like you were in North Carolina and like, this is my dream and I got to get to Chicago and blah, blah. It was just kind of your brother called and you're like, yeah, okay, shit, I'll come over there. Well, it was because I never, I

David always says, oh, you would have moved even if I hadn't said anything to you. But I don't know if I would. I was kind of content in North Carolina trying to be a funny waitress and, you know, kind of just, I didn't mind it. I like the weather. I like the people. I like the southern hospitality. Did you have your heart set on going into entertainment? Do you guys sometimes think about, had you stayed in the last city you lived in, where your life would have gone? Like, what do you think you would have been doing had you stayed in North Carolina?

I either would have worked in a woman's prison or I would have gone to the police academy to be a police officer. Is that true? Is that true? I would have loved to have been a police officer. Or I was interested in being a social worker because I like listening to other people's problems. You know, we're going into homes that I would never go into. And so I was fascinated by that. Because you wanted to help them or because it made you always feel better about your current state?

Wanted me to feel better about my current state. That's the problem with with some therapist I hear you know, that's not necessarily altruism It's just that they want to feel better about how crappy their life is by hearing problems that are worse than they didn't have I just I just like to hear other people's problems I don't know but then I was like well I can act like those people but I was always you know I did plays and I was interested in entertaining and we would go to convalescent homes and do shows and

my family. And that was, I mean, I liked showbiz. Yeah. And then TV kind of fell in my lap. We were doing plays in New York City and then someone approached Paul and I and said, why don't you do a sketch show for HBO downtown? So it kind of just fell into our laps. And that was, what was it called? Exhibit 57. Endless sketches, like eight minute sketches. It was like. I remember that show. Yeah. Speaking of Stephen Colbert, can you please, please tell us an embarrassing story about him?

Oh, it's not embarrassing. He threw up once in the parking lot of Wiener Circle where he had to take his tie and pull it aside and vomit.

Was it because of what he ate at Wiener Circle? Yeah, he was drinking. And then he got something to eat at Wiener Circle and then he threw it in the parking lot, which was so out of character for him. But I remember making him laugh on stage one night. He was kind of, he was a little serious. He wanted to be a dramatic actor. And then we were doing a song on the stage and I put in some icky teeth, you know, and I turned around and revealed them and he laughed.

And then after the show, he got really angry and he went in the bathroom. He locked himself in the bathroom and he was so mad that he laughed.

But then after that, we always cracked up on stage and he laughed. It's kind of like he came to our side and then he was really silly and goofy. Is that what led to him drinking so much at the Wiener Circle? Yeah, then he tried to kill the feelings and then he threw up. Coming on this show feels like joining a Wiener Circle a little bit. It is. It must feel like that. Wow. Whose idea was it to do this podcast? The world's. The world contacted us.

Faster availability. And do you do it every Saturday? And do you ever be like, oh, I can't believe I have to do this? Like, is it on your shoulders? No. It's so embarrassingly easy. It's so easy and fun. Yeah, we just, we got to do it. I was thinking about doing one, and then I told Jason, and then he and Sean were having dinner, and Jason said, Will's doing a podcast. We should do that and get in on it. And then they called me, and they bullied me, and they said, we're joining your podcast. Oh.

Oh, that's perfect. I would say we asked Will to join his podcast without a question mark at the end. But wait, but Will, wasn't your...

Well, your podcast was not going to be this, though, was it? It wasn't going to be this. It was going to be something else. And then how did we come up with this? I mean, this isn't much of a concept, but I don't remember us in a... Did we just say we're going to do a podcast and then what do we do? Do just the three of us talk or should we talk to other people? Yeah, we were tossing around. Yeah, sort of. By the way, now, Amy, this is your dream scenario. Now you're just listening to other people's problems.

Great. Yeah. These are the problems you're talking about, right? Just podcast problems. Can I tell you something? Speaking of problems, one of the funniest things that I, one of the things that made me laugh the most was,

Years ago, when I was with my ex-wife and we were together and we read this interview that Amy Sedaris did where she said that they were asking about getting mixed up with other people. And Amy Sedaris said, well, sometimes people mix me up with Amy Poehler. And then they ask me how I'm doing. And I just say, it's okay, but Will and I are having a lot of problems. Sexual problems.

Sexual, just sexual, but we get along great. Which we read in a magazine, and I nearly threw up from laughing so hard because I thought it was such a funny bit to do. And then what happened?

Amy, you seem to like, you know, I love you and I've known you for a long time and you seem to have nailed that thing that makes comedy comedy, which is like surprise. Like you always, your humor comes from such a like left of center, like lack of a better way to describe it, but more like unusual, non-traditional place. You know what I mean?

But then you love sitcoms and like oldie timey programs. Oldie timey. You know what I mean? So like where... Mary Pickford. What were some of your favorite shows and stuff when you were growing up? Well, Laugh-In was...

A big one for me. I liked Jonathan Winters and Peter Sellers. I'm dating myself, I know. But I always loved SCTV more than Saturday Night Live because I was really, I liked their sets because it looked like they just made them or they were so cheap. You know, doors would swing open or nobody, you know, and I, you know, and I loved all the characters on it.

When I was a kid, we have an extended family who lived in San Diego. I'm from Chicago. And we flew out and they drove us up to see a taping of Laugh-In. Oh, wow. And I was like five. And I'm told it's the same stage as Will & Grace. Oh, really? Isn't that weird?

Oh, wow. Carol Burnett, of course. Carol Burnett was a big one, too. I mean, who didn't love Carol Burnett or I Love Lucy? The Flintstones. But David was the biggest influence on me. Wait a second. I love that you said the Flintstones. The Flintstones. Oh, and Jerry Lewis. Oh, my God. I love Jerry Lewis. He really made me laugh. Now, Amy, do you enjoy the writing part more than the performing part or vice versa?

I'm not a writer, really. In a writer's room, I can bring in ideas, and I can get up on my feet and act it out and come up with stuff. But I don't sit in front of a computer and type. So I don't really consider myself. So I like to find things and performing them, and I like character-driven things. Like when someone says, oh, just use your own voice or be yourself, I'm like, I don't even know how to do that. But speaking of characters, and here we go, these guys are going to go to town on this.

We're ready. But I love The Mandalorian. I love everything Star Wars. Oh, my God, The Mandalorian. Yes. So you're so good on that show. I love that show. I didn't know you were on that show. Yeah. Yeah. She's amazing. And that show's one of the biggest shows in the world, right? I know. So are you or were you as big of a Star Wars fan as me, or was this just like another gig? And I'm guessing you connected with Jon Favreau because of Elf and other- Yeah, Favreau.

is very nice to me. He puts me, he always calls me up and asks me to do things. But when he asked me to do this Mandalorian, I was like, oh, there's no way. I can't even pronounce these words. I had no idea you were coming out and you came out. I was like, holy shit, that's Amy. Oh my God. It was so cool to see you in that show. It's fun to do it. I don't know what I'm saying and I memorize it like word for word and then it just kind of comes out because I don't know, I don't know where I am. They're like, you're on Tatooine.

I'm like, no, you don't, it doesn't matter. What type of character do you play on Tatooine? I'm a mechanic.

So I have a lot of technical. And then the first thing I said, I go, just take my eyebrows off. Just lose my eyebrows. And they gave me a mullet. So I like my look. The costume's really tight, so I can't bend over or anything. It's really limiting. But I'm proud of myself that I can memorize those lines and not have any clue what I'm saying. And then Faber will explain it to me. But I'm like, you're, it's. I love it. I love it. I wish, John, it said to you, like, you're a mechanic. And you're like, ugh.

Where? Tatooine. What part of Tatooine? Yeah, where are you talking? The south side? Well, he said I'm a ship mechanic. And then when I got there, I was like, oh, a spaceship. That's how bad I am. I thought ship, like a ship. You know, I didn't know you could call a spaceship a ship. I was like, oh, okay. But I love the sets. I love the costumes, hair and makeup. It really is like a completely different world, and it's pretty cool. And I got to use old props.

But, you know, Will, I watch your Lego show. Oh, you do? Yes, I do. I watch it with my God kids. And you're always...

better when you have a guest come on and you have somebody to play with. All of a sudden, your whole, you know. I was on it once. He cut me out. That's a true story. Yeah. Oh, I don't remember seeing you on there yet. No, Jason came to visit with his daughter with Maple and they were like, should we mic him? And I said, no. And it was all unusable. We didn't use it. But thank you. You know what? That's a very, that's a,

You really know what you're talking about, Amy. I know what I'm talking about. And the Lego movie, which I tell you, you're so good in. Well, thank you. But it's hard to do those kinds of things when you're doing a show like that and you're the one who's kind of got to keep it moving. Sometimes it's hard if you don't have somebody to do it with.

And you have to be sincere because the people that are building stuff are. I mean, they're passionate about it. So you kind of have to be that way too. Yeah, and you don't want to – I want to mess around all the time and do – the stuff that gets cut out is stuff where I just go too far. Yeah.

Were you hurting these adults' feelings that are playing with toys? I've done it a few times, but it's mainly because I'm just trying to have fun. And I always just, anytime I go into any kind of set, I don't care what it is, if it's a Lego Masters or an animated show or a movie or a TV show,

My approach is always I just came here to have fun, and I'm not having fun if you're not having fun. You should bring some of that to the podcast. Should I? Exactly. I don't care if there's one person in the audience or 450. I give the same performance. That's not true. Is that what you're going to say next? No, I don't give the same performance. I don't either. Ever. Ever.

But it is much more fun. It's hard to do. You've done shows like that before. Like, it's hard to do when you're just by yourself sometimes. Right. Well, when I did At Home with Amy Sedaris and I played multiple characters, didn't it dawn on me, oh, I have to memorize the other side of this script. And there are days I'm just working by myself against...

You know, myself. It was crazy. We should have filmed the making of that show. It was really funny what my stand-ins had to put up with and what they had to do. You know, they've got their nose taped up. And I'm like, oh, bless your heart. You don't have to tape your nose up.

Do you go crazy if you're not working? I like to work, but I'm okay not working right now. I've been doing voiceover stuff, and I just did The Mandalorian, but I'm okay with it. Sean says that you like to do crafts. Is that correct? And if so, what types of crafts really get you going? Does it involve a hot glue gun? Yes, before you answer, I wanted to say this because I was going to go there too where Jason's going. Okay. Your Instagram posts are legendary, and I...

follow you like crazy. I love every single one. Every single one of them makes me laugh, even the ones I'm not supposed to laugh at. I follow you very casually. I'm so afraid to get into Instagram. I feel like it could be a real K-hole for me. I

I've gotten a lot of really good ideas from Instagram. It's not so great right now, but I curate. I post other people's stuff, and then once in a while I post my own stuff. It's really good. I love it. It's really good. One of the things I love that you do most is what's in the box. Oh. And you seem to have an endless amount of boxes in your apartment. I know. I have a lot more. One of them was Barbie doll parts, and one was velvet bows and miniature umbrellas. And I don't cook...

very often, but when I do, I use the potholders you made me. - Oh! - And yeah, I love those. So, but like to Jason's question, why crafts? Like what made you into crafting and teaching people craft? You always make it look so fun. - Well, I was in Girl Scouts till my senior year of high school. And then I was in Junior Achievements and we were always making things and going door to door. - You sound like a real Hellcat. Sorry, keep going.

Keep going. I love uniforms. I love uniforms. High school must have been crazy. I wore my uniform to school. Off the chain. Yeah. So there was a lot of crafts in Girl Scouts? There was a lot of crafts in Girl Scouts and a lot of drunk leaders, but I really liked, I liked it.

making stuff that's practical and I like doing something with my hands and you know because your mind can wander but now after I did a craft book and the show I mean I really can't stand crafts and I hate it when someone makes me something and they give it to me because it's just like crap nobody needs

Sure. You know, it doesn't have glitter on it, but if you make me potholders or cover a lighter or, you know. What do you do with all the crafts that you do make or have made? Isn't Etsy a spot where people sell stuff that they make? I usually wait until there's an audience and there's a table between me and the audience and I sell everything.

I bring a bank or I'll bring someone, you know, from a theater and say, hey, can you do this? You'll make 20 bucks. And then you just sell this stuff. Like an adult lemonade stand. I have an adult lemonade stand. That's really. By the way, I have been to an, I went to an event once. I forget what it was for. Justin was doing one of his sponsorship things. You know, he's always got with like a fancy watch or some company like that. And I show up at this thing downtown in New York and Amy was selling cupcakes. Oh, that's right.

That's right. I remember that night. Yeah. I was in the cupcake and cheese ball business. And then I got, I had a mouse problem and then I got cockroaches and butter went up to eight bucks a pound. And I was like, fuck this shit. I'm not doing this anymore, but I will do special orders, but no repeat business and cash only. Does this make you a Martha Stewart fan or, or she, uh, the antichrist? You know, I,

You know, I was never inspired by Martha. And I think because my stuff never looked like her stuff. Like it always looked too good and beautiful. But I was never, I just couldn't relate to it. So I was inspired more by Galloping Gourmet, Frugal Gourmet, Dinah Shore, you know, people from the,

for the past, but I guess Martha knows what she's doing. How do you respond to people now with this newfound, this rivalry between you and Martha Stewart? What people are calling a feud and some people are saying is getting very heated. What's your side of the group? No, that's not true. I blame it all on Flatfoot Contessa. LAUGHTER

I like her voice. Do her voice. No, it's just soothing when you listen to it because we would watch some of those shows, but it makes me nervous to watch the newer shows. I always like to go back and watch older stuff. Did you ever want to start, like, your own... Forgive me if you have, and I don't know about it, but your own, like, line, like, of...

Oh, yeah. I would love my own house where, you know, sell curtains and toaster oven cozies and paper flowers. I need a new toaster oven cozy. But that's like people who say they want a farm where they've never lived on a farm. They, oh, I want to have horses and goats. You'd like, it would just be such a pain in the butt to be responsible for that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I'm like, forget it and get high. What do you think, if you had that toaster cozy business, what do you think you'd do with all the cash that you'd make from that? Yeah.

You'd have to diversify your portfolio a bit. I would hide it. I'd hide it in my apartment. Does your craft lust extend into cooking, gardening? Not gardening, but I cook every night for myself. Every night? I've always cooked. Every one of my family cooks. You love to cook. Yeah. I'm into houseplants right now, but I'm not a gardener. I wouldn't know what to do in a garden. So who decides, like Sean, you asked me to be your guest. Whose turn is it next? And how does this happen?

Yeah, we haven't really done like, hey, Will, you're three light or I'm three heavy or something like that. It's just whoever has an idea and then it's about booking y'all and trying to work around your schedules. That's kind of the biggest thing. You know, Amy, years ago, I don't know if you remember this, years ago, and you were busy. Maybe you were starting to do one of your shows.

I wanted to do a show, and I called you. Oh, yes. And I said, I want to do a cop show where you and I are partners. Do you remember this? This is like 10, over 10 years ago. Yeah. And I called you up, and I said, and I'm so glad you don't remember because I remember it so vividly. And I wanted to do a cop show where you were like the seasoned vet, and you had no morals and no scruples, and I was a rookie cop. Yeah.

And you were basically, it was kind of like, it was like this lawn, or the whole thing was like about, you know, we show up at our first crime scene and, and you like literally put a gun in the guy's hand, the dead guy's hand and go, what are you doing? And you go, Oh, what do you think we're going to do? Solve it. That's the cold open. That sounds really funny. I know. I really wanted to do it with you. And then you were like, I'm doing a craft show or something. And you blew me off. Craft show. Yeah.

Yeah. Amy, do you have a lot of dinner parties? Like, because you love to cook and stuff or no? I used to. And then a lot, you know, I would cook for 18 people in my tiny little kitchen. But then after I did the cookbook, I was like, I'm done entertaining. Now it's more like one-on-one or like what, Sean, I know you can build shelves.

I'm like, why don't you come over? I'll make dinner for you. You build these shelves for me. It's kind of like a little trade. Where do you get all this, all this energy, all this drive, all of this? Like it doesn't, it doesn't sound like you're like you're ever bored. Uh, how have you always had that kind of, uh, let's, let's get after it.

I don't know. I mean, it's easy to point and ask people to do stuff for you. I mean, I guess I have it. But then some days I'm like, I didn't do anything today. And then I sit down and write everything that I did. And I'm like, oh, I guess I did do a lot. You remind me a lot of Mark Wahlberg. You're like a real Mark Wahlberg. Yeah.

You and he are like the busiest people. Do you get that all the time, Amy? I get that all the time. No, it's true. Do you ever like, I think I asked you this at the top, but do you do anything to just calm down and just like meditate? My stretching class on Saturdays. Right, right, right. But is that the only thing? You get into the jazz cigarettes, don't you? I get into jazz cigarettes to calm down. You know, I'll go for a walk. I see David a lot. He has a place on the Upper East Side. So that's been really nice.

I'll invite myself for dinner all the time and I'll go over there. David walks like 30 miles a day or something ridiculous. And then he goes back out after midnight. Really? Really? I don't walk as much as David, but yeah, he's always walking, listens to a lot of podcasts and books on tape.

Oh, that's nice. What's the foot traffic like in New York right now with COVID? Is it starting to become more and more populated out there on the street now? Yes, it's getting busier and busier. Restaurants are open. Is everyone wearing masks while they're walking? Everyone's wearing a mask. I was in North Carolina recently. A lot of people weren't wearing masks. And I was in Kentucky and nobody was wearing masks. How'd you feel about that?

It's just, just put a fucking mask on. It's like, what's so hard about it? Really? Do you, let me ask you this, Amy, and this is, again, controversial, the term Karen that's been used a lot in the last year. It's been very thrown around and very loosely, I might add. Do you... God.

- Wait, who was that for two seconds? That was a totally different guy. - I know. - Amy, if you could, have all the Karens that have emerged via social media and everywhere, has it just given you a lot of ideas for new characters? - Yes, I mean, someone's gotta be doing a Karen movie. - Absolutely. - Every time I saw all these videos and people would use the term Karen and I'd see these videos, I'd think like, another Amy Sedaris character.

Come on, don't you think someone's working on a Karen movie? They gotta be. Yeah, it's a great idea. They just fascinate me. It's a great title. I love anyone who complains, who bitches. I just can't get enough of that. Yeah. I love it. Fuck, man. I tell you what, we did this semi-pro movie years ago with Will Ferrell and a bunch of guys and Woody Harrelson. And Amy, we were watching this background actor and she had blonde hair. She's like similar stature. Do you remember this? Yes, I do. And so,

So for like a couple weeks, we were watching, me and Andy Daly and Will and Andy Richter, and we were laughing. We were like, this is such an Amy Sedaris character. And then Ken Ultraman, the director, one day when Amy came on the set to shoot some stuff, he goes, you got to get down to set right now because Amy's talking to the woman right now.

Because we had pointed her out. And then Amy went and had a long conversation with her. Remember, she was in character. What were you talking to her about, Amy? I don't know if you remember what we talked about. But I did. I embraced her. I went right to her. You went right to her. That's usually who I go to. I love that. Amy.

Amy, you've done like so, so, so many things in your life, in this business. Is there anything that you want to achieve that you haven't yet? Like, is there any? I want to have a baby. I want to have a baby, Sean. You want to have a baby? No, I don't want to have a baby. I can't at my age, but I just turned 60. Are you?

- I just can't believe you did it. - So now I'm old. - Wow. - Now I'm old. For old people, I'm young, but for young people, I'm very old. - Wait a second, you're not 60. - I just turned 60. - You're kidding. - That's the new 40. - It's the new 40. - I mean, again, you look amazing. - Oh, thank you, but yeah, 60. How about that? So what can I do at 60? I guess now I can start playing, 'cause I always played older people. I liked playing older, but now that I'm older, maybe now I can play teenagers.

Maybe. Maybe.

I love that. Is there somebody you haven't worked with that you, like, would kill to work with? Say Jason, say Jason, say Jason. Besides Jason and Will, of course, yourself, John Malkovich we wanted on our show. Oh, my gosh. I was just talking about him yesterday. Really? Why? Because I don't have the acting chops to work with him, but I want to watch him. Yes, you do. No, I don't. But, boy, I love John Malkovich. And I like his choices. He's, like, one of the... He is, like, top three actors in the world as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. Yeah.

But outside of the business, is there something you always like? I want to skydive. I want to fucking, you know. Oh, I'm sure there's something. Have my little store, my houseware store. Yeah. I would help you with that. Would you get bored of that, do you think? Yes, probably. I can help you find something. No, I'm just looking. Okay. That's how your day would go.

Hi, can I help you find something? No, I'm just looking. Great, I'm here if you need my help. I feel like your story would be filled with so, like every day would be new items and then like you'd go and you'd be like, it'd be like 2 p.m. and you'd be like, is this store? No, we're closed. Wait, it says you're open until six. Well, we closed today. Change your mind. La.

What about golf? You want to become a golfer? I took golf lessons. You did? Because I like the golf shoes, and that's why I took the lessons. But I was like, oh, this is so boring. You're talking about the shoes with the little fan that's on the top that goes over the laces? And the spikes on the bottom. Yes, I love that. Yeah. Yeah, I love golf shoes. That's what got you. Yeah, black and white. And then they could double as tap shoes. They could, yeah. Yeah.

I'll bet you tap dance. Do you know how to tap dance? I bet you do. You know, I had the energy to tap. I bet I would have been great at tap dancer. I mean, I can just fake it, but I wish I had taken tap lenses when I was little or a dance class or something. Well, it's never too late. Amy, you and Dave Letterman have and have had a kind of

awesome relationships, certainly on the surface in terms of when he had his show and you would come on a lot and you would contribute, you'd go and you'd do stuff for him and you'd be a guest all the time.

What was that like? Oh, my God. You were always so funny. I liked doing it because a lot of times it was because someone canceled. And so they would call me up. You know, I always had a dress hanging up. So I always knew what I wanted to wear. And then I would go there because I liked being called last minute because it's like, hey, what do you expect? I didn't have time to prepare. You know, you kind of fall back on that. But I always had a notebook and I would always write down, you know, this might be good for Letterman or that might be good for Letterman. But and then he's

Then it was interesting, he'd start coming in the wings, back to the wings and say hi to me before the show. And that always made me really nervous because it's like, oh my God. And then I had a meeting with him once. We were thinking about doing a show. He wanted me to come up with a show idea for him. And I remember saying, he goes, what don't you want? And I always liked that question because I never knew what I wanted, but I always knew what I didn't want. Let's hear it. What don't you want to do with the rest of your life? Well, just TV show. Like I just knew that,

now I don't remember back in the day what it was, but I was just afraid of doing a TV show back then when he asked me to do one with his production company. I didn't really have any really good ideas, but... You were intimidated? I mean, yeah, I mean, with Letterman. Well, I was. I told this story about Amy. One of my first times going on there, you were the lead guest, and I was so nervous because he was Dave Letterman. He was my comedy hero, and you were like,

I guess maybe you were filling in. Maybe it was last minute, as you said. But anyway, because you were on there, you were very loose and you weren't really promoting anything. Never. And you were just... Yeah, ever. And you were chit-chatting with him. And then you said, oh, yeah, your next guest is Will Arnett. And you were really nice about me to him on stage. And you totally relaxed me and made me feel so...

Oh, that's nice. I actually, I remember that. I was so nervous and it was a very kind thing of you to do. Most times you went on there, there was no pre-interview? There was nothing planned? No, we would do a pre-interview. Oh, you would? But they would ask me last minute, so-and-so canceled or like one time Condoleezza Rice was on. She chewed up the whole segment, you know, so. Oh, can she go on? She went on and on. So I was out there for like three minutes, but Letterman called me that night to apologize. And I thought, oh my God, I was like, and I didn't pick up the phone.

phone. I was like, and then he called me out on it and he goes, why didn't you pick up the phone? I was like, there's no way I'm going to pick up the phone and talk to you at 9.30 at night. I was like, oh my God, I just couldn't do it. And he goes, well, how do you think that made me feel? I really wanted to talk to you and apologize to you and you didn't allow me that. And I was like, well,

Call me now. Call me tomorrow night. Jesus. Yeah, I think that Sean's sister in Wisconsin would be surprised to learn that every single time a guest is on a talk show, it is pre-planned. There is a whole pre-interview that goes on and you know the question and you work out the answer. Now, oftentimes, if you've got the skills of the three of you, you will go off of that and start to sort of vamp and kind of freestyle a bit. But for the most part, it's all scripted. Well, there's...

sometimes Letterman wouldn't stick to the questions. He never did. He never did. Or you had your secret list and you knew you were going to bring something up because if you asked if you could say it, they're like, oh, no, don't do that. So, you know, I always had my little bee cheat sheet in my book. Letterman would always ask, like, you have the question, he never gets it, and then he'd always want to ask me, like, if I was still smoking. And then it would end up devolving into me doing, like, miming how I, different ways of stubbing on a cigarette. Yeah.

That's hilarious. I do miss him and I haven't seen his new show, but I miss him. And I like to be nervous, you know, or sometimes I would get very eager to do a show and, but I don't really get nervous for on other people's talk shows. If somebody said to you today, listen, Amy, we wanted you to come and do a show, a TV show. And it's,

The show that you really want to do, it's an idea that you really love. It's with a bunch of people that you'd love to spend time with, but you've got to come to Los Angeles to do it, and it's going to be a four-year commitment. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. Because he's about to offer you something. It sounds like it. I would have a tough time doing that. I would have a hard time doing that, I think. Because, you know, my best friend Paul Dinello's here, and he's got kids, and Godmother, which is a full-time job, yoo-hoo!

Yee-hee! Um...

Yeah, what does that job entail? I think I've talked about this before. I was made a godfather twice, and I haven't ever done anything. In fact, I can't even remember the second kid that I am the godfather of. I know the first one, but I can't remember which. They're so happy to hear that. Well, that kid feels good right now. But I was never really told what the duties are, and so I never did anything. You're in charge of their spiritual growth.

Truly? Yeah. I'm not allowed to babysit. They don't trust me with the kids on my own. But I, you know, I'm a really good godmother and it's a full time job. But literally, is that really the duty is sort of spiritual guy or aren't you just supposed to catch them financially and otherwise if the parents die in a fiery crash?

Yes, and Paul and Danielle were traveling together somewhere, and I said, so if you're going together, you know, we should get it on paper that the kids, I've got to take care. And they weren't even going to use me for that. They were like, no way. And I was like, are you kidding me? Like, I thought that was my job. Scotty and I are very proud God-

to Jonah and Sammy. And one goes to NYU, and one's about to go off to college. And yes, Jason, we actually had assigned papers to if something should happen, we have to raise them, blah, blah, blah. But they're almost adults and on their own. But is that the full extent of it, or do you have to do other things? It depends. I'm a godfather to my nephew, who is now about to turn 19. Wait, so you're an uncle and a godfather to the same person? Yeah, that's right. And I send them, you know, you...

You get gifts and you also spend time and you every once in a while, they, you know, you, I was lucky enough. I had two, three great godparents, actually, two, two men and a gal. And two of them, two of them are still alive and really important parts of my life. They were really good to me. I spent a lot of time with them. They gave me a lot of guidance. But how is that different than, than the presumed duties as an uncle?

Good question. We'll be right back. Oh, shit. Are we going to commercials now? No commercials. I'm still laughing at it's a full-time job. It is.

I would do shows on my computer, like, you know, iChat, whatever you call it, and I would entertain them, and I'd have different hats and teeth and do a little morning show for them. How old are they? Nine and six. Okay, okay. That makes sense. But I bring out, when I go to Maplewood, that's where they live, I bring their favorite, you know, food and candy, and I get them hopped up on sugar.

You know, we watch movies together, and because I'm in Mandalorian, all the kids in the neighborhood really, you know, a big deal. This sounds less like you going the extra mile and more like the parents aren't doing shit. That's what it kind of sounds like. I'm like, can I come out today? They're like, oh, they know what that entails.

But the best thing you can do is give them the day off. Amy, I'm so struck. You know, we've hung out a couple of times, but I don't think we've ever spent a full hour together. And I'm so struck by your spirit. I'm envious of it. I admire it. Oh, wow. Does it ever...

Wayne, I mean, you strike me as somebody who is very consistent with that spirit. Does anything ever get you down or pissed off? I can't imagine you angry. Right. I mean, sure, I get angry. I get mad. It doesn't last long. I don't hold grudges. What does it for you? Mean people? Can we see that? Can you raise your voice and show us a little bit? Oh, you know, someone walking down the street with pulling luggage behind them or, you know.

You know, typical. Wait a second. What? Anyone pulling fucking luggage behind you down the sidewalk will set you off. In New York. Yes, or they're coming. I mean, oh, sure, they're coming on the left side. I have a list on my computer of things that annoy me. And sometimes I go, whenever I get mad at something, it goes on this master list that I have.

And it could be just stupid stuff, but I just get so mad that I have to write it down. I love sidewalk etiquette. It's the worst. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just picked up on that. That's a New York thing. So left side, there are lanes on the sidewalk. Right on the right side. Just walk on the right.

And don't meander in the middle, like on your phone, fucking taking up the entire side. Oh, I let people walk into me. I just let them walk into me and they get mad at me because I did that. It's like, or when you get changed and they put the receipt in, you know, little things like that just send me off and I get really angry. Oh my God, will you please write a small book of that? Well, I thought, why hasn't somebody done something like that?

New York City etiquette book. You should do a New York City etiquette book. Just call it I'm pissed off. This is stuff to read on the crapper. You know, if you're not working on your golf swing, you can read this book about, you know, things that piss you off. Oh, that's good. You already know what your demographic that you're going for is, is people on the crapper. That's nice. And I'm pissed off.

And another thing. I wrote down, I did, you know, I did Broadway for a year in 2010 and I wrote down all the shit I hate about New York and I can't find it, but it's really good. Well, I went to go see your play and I did the thing that people hate hearing is like, how did you memorize all that stuff? But I'm amazed by that because I just don't know how people memorize. I think it's so, it's just so hard to memorize stuff. Especially if you've got a 90 minute show to memorize. How did you do that? Just,

Page by page. I mean, you set little goals. So the whole script was 45 pages. And I said, by this date, I'm going to have 15 pages memorized. And we'll be right back. And then, yeah, exactly. We're done. That's it. I'm sorry. I fell asleep while you were talking about your process. It's out of the audience. I always want a present for memorizing my lines. I'm always like, I memorized.

Memorize this, John. You're going to give me a present. Yeah. That's fair. I think that's fair. I want to echo what Jason said, which is that I also have always been in awe of your spirit. I think that you're one of those people, you always bring it. You're so consistently funny. You're so naturally funny. Oh, wow. And kind. You're very...

It's true. You're one of those people, you have no choice in the matter. You're funny whether you like it or not. And you're one of those people everybody agrees is great. Yeah. And you're organic about it. And you are who you are. And I fucking love it. And I really, really, really, really, really think that you're awesome. Yes. And I always have. Thank you. Here comes the but. Yeah.

But I have notes. However. Having said all that. What is your problem? Here's a list of improvements. First of all, when you get up in the morning. Needs improvements.

Just take my phone call next time. When I say we're going to do a buddy cop show, come on. Yeah. And Amy, I have deep, deep, deep love for you. I think you know that. I just appreciate you so much on so many levels. So thanks for being here. Thanks for giving some of your spirit to us. Oh, thank you. Thanks for asking me. I listen to your show. I love it, Sean, because you V-Mobile me. We have this podcast. It's like, I know.

your podcast. I listen to it. It's so funny. Like, I don't know if you remember me. I was on Will and Grace. I'm like, oh, please. Well, Amy, I don't want to keep you from your Saturday. Oh, yeah, right. You've got lots of running around, more stretching to do. Reach for those stars. Keep reaching for them. All right. Thanks so much for having me on. Thank you, Amy. Nice to see all of you. You too, honey. You too. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. You too. Bye. Bye.

So, Jace, I thought you knew her really... I thought you guys used to hang out or something, or like you knew her from... Me and Amy? Yeah. Why would you think that? I mean, I wish. Because of Thoreau. Same circles, I guess. Oh, because of Thoreau. You know, what I was going to say about her relationship with Thoreau is that I really envy their friendship. I don't have...

a super close girl friend i never have and i don't i don't know i don't know what that is yeah i mean aside from you sean um it's just someone that you can go to you can turn to and just kind of say hey girlfriend like you know whatever gal pal is what i like yeah um hey girl no they have uh they have a really a really deep friendship and um uh if i were to have one

It would be someone like Amy Sedaris, I would only hope. Yeah, I think lots of people feel that way. She's one of those people who emit kind of this, like I said, where everybody can agree, oh, we all love Amy Sedaris. She's the best. I love her. I wish I knew her better. We've hung out a few times over the years, but like...

Justin would tell these great stories of like walking in the, they'd be like in the pharmacy and she'd grab like a big pack of like Depends, you know, adult diapers. And she'd go, Justin, they do have them in your size. Like across the thing super loud. She's so funny, man. She's so funny. She's so, so funny. She'd like walk down the street and litter, you know, like on purpose. Obviously go back and get it for all the people who are going to,

Yeah, she's got that real sunny disposition, but you can tell that you don't have to dig very deep to access any sort of darkness or sarcasm or edge to her humor. Like, she gets it all, but, you know, it's there if you want it. She chooses the sunny side of the street. I think that's part of her secret. Yeah, I love that. I love that.

She is so profoundly funny. I meant it. Like, you know, she's one of those people. She can't. She has no choice. When she would go out with Thoreau instead of, like, holding up something and joking about, like, getting it for him, would she ever actually say something for him? Bye. Oh, bye. Bye. That was pretty good, Sean. Bye. Smart. Bless. Smart. Bless.

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