The Simple Tool That Will Transform Your Family Dynamic
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Hey, each friend male and welcome to the male robbin's podcast. But what if I told you I was possible for you to have a much Better relationship with your family, whether your parents or your siblings, or your in laws or your ult kids, that IT is possible, no matter what's happened for you to change the dynamic with anyone in your family, even somebody with a really difficult sonic. Well, that's what you and I are going to talk about today.

We're going to talk about a simple tool and a whole new approach to your family dynamics, whether they are good, whether they are bad, whether they are fun, whether they are sad, whole new approach. Because here's what I know. The second that you are done listening to this, you're going have absolutely everything you need to shift, how you show up. And i'm telling you, IT only takes one person in a family to change absolutely everything. And after listening to this conversation today, that person is going to change your family, is you?

Each friend male and welcome to the male Robin's podcast IT is always such an honor to be a lot to spend time together with you and if your brand new to the mall Robin's podcast, I want to welcome you to the mall Robin's podcast family. And here's what super cool about the conversation we're going to have today because you hit play on this episode. I know something about you.

I know that family is important to, and whether or not you have a great relationship with your family or horrible relationship with your family, whether or not your best friends with your siblings or you barely talk to him, here's what I know. You are interested in ways in learning how to be more deeply connected. You want the relationship to be stronger.

And I have great news. IT can happen. And IT can happen based on some simple things that you're going to learn today, that I learned the hard way that I ve also been researching for the last couple years. Simple tools that you can use to fundamentally shift the way you think about family and the way you show up when you are dealing with your family.

And everything that you're going to learn is going to apply to absolutely everything related to family, whether it's the family group text chat that drives you bananas or that you wish was slightly different, whether it's the dynamic when you'll get together, whether IT is things that happened in the past that you can't just let go, whatever IT is that standing in your way or causing frustration or that you just wish would change this conversation today is gone to create an entirely new possibility for you, because all IT takes us one person, and today you're going to learn that person is you. And what we're going to talk about is so important. IT has had a huge impact on my life.

I truly hope you share this episode with your family. In fact, if you're to be driving somewhere over the holidays with them, just put this on in the car because I can go anywhere. And if you're all listening, you probably look at each other and then look ahead.

And because we do wish things could be Better, you deserve to have more fun. And i'm onna, teach you how you can start to bring IT. So my mission today in having this conversation with you is to really help you improve your relationship with your family.

Because let's start with fact. Number one, your family's not changing. They are who they are. You've got to learn how to let them be who they are. But here's the cool thing.

If you change your approach in terms of how you show up the energy, you bring your mindset around your family, you are so powerful that simply changing your approach can send positive ripples through the entire family dynamic, and that will change everything over time. It's your responsibility to figure out what kind of relationship you have with your family. If you love your family, if you're having a lot of fun with your family, if your favorite time of years to go see your family, that's fantastic.

And today you're going na learn a few things, it's going to make IT even Better. But if you dread seeing your family, if you are anxious about IT, if you feel like you got a brace or that somebody and your families always instigating something, there's members of our family that are like that. They just can't help themselves.

I gotta like pic and poke and twist, and it's not fun. It's not fun. But i'm going to keep hammering this point over and over. You can change another person, because people only change when they feel I can. And you're also going to learn that the family dynamics have been in place for a very long time.

But that doesn't mean they can't shift in a very positive way because we going to talk about how you can use the letham theory and the laws of human behavior and the facts about how families are to positively influence any interaction. And here's how going to start this conversation because i'm not a part of your family. You're not a part of my family.

But here's what I do know. All families are the same in one regard. They are an interconnected system. And so we're onna start a conversation with a metaphor for how I think about family.

And this metaphor is gone to change everything, because you are going to, perhaps, for the first time, see your family and your extended family in an entirely new way. In fact, the family dynamic. And there's a really important thing to kind of zoom out and think about IT, because you think about IT like brothers and sisters and parents and the golden child and the favorite one.

And i'm never this, and i'm the middle and i'm on this and I and there are so many labels and so much history and families that you forget to zoom out and think about what actually is a family. A family is uh, interconnected web of people. It's a system.

A guy actually. Think about a spider web. Think about a spider web, and you see IT in the morning, and all the do is on IT and glistening.

All those little strands are all the connections of family. And if you think about the center of IT, that's your parents and your grandparents. And then everything flows out from there.

I look, i'm not saying that the system or the web is fair or it's right is just the reality. You all are connected and you have been since you came into this world. And so when you make a change, it's like somebody going up to the upper right hand corner sharlet waving, going tap, p, tap, tap, tap.

What happened? The whole web shakes, the dew drips off, the spider goes running around because you're all interconnected. In fact, I write about this extensively in the letham theory book. There is an entire chapter, chapter six, page ninety five, and let me tell you the title, the chapter of its about family, how to love difficult people. Now the reason why I named the chapter about family how to love difficult people is because family just cuts different.

I think the purpose of family, in some cases, is to teach you how to love people that you don't like sometimes, right? Because there are people in your family you don't like and you may never like him. But guess what, you're still connected via that web, whether you talk to him or not.

Every time there is a family group chat text, and somebody text something annoying and you roll your eyes, it's like somebody went tap, tap, tap to the web. IT impacts you. So i'm going to teach you how to accept the reality that your family's not changing.

Let them, your power is in not managing your family or worrying about your family, or being triggered by your family. Your power is in the second part of the'd. Let them theory, which is, let me, let me decide what kind of relationship I want.

Let me decide what kind of daughter or son, or father or mother or sister, brother, I want na be. Because just because you ve got somebody that tap tap taps the web and is an instigator doesn't mean you have to let IT affect you IT doesn't mean you have to try in. In fact, you're learn tools today.

They are going to have you look at family completely differently. And since I wrote about this extensively in the left and theory book, I want to read to you a little bit about family just so that we're on the same page about why your family can be critical and harsh. And they say things that are like, what like, what are you doing? You know, why your parents have to step in, or why somebody has to say, it's enough, enough.

Could you just be nice? Could you just like, can we just have fun, please? So family tends to be a lot of harsher to your face because they have a stake in your happiness and in your success.

That is true if you're an interconnected web and you got somebody who is just stuck and sad and depressed and send in ripples through IT. IT affects everybody because they are worried about you. And that's why people tend to be a little bit harsh ire than your friends are, because your happiness or your sadness affects everybody because you're connected, which very different than your relationship with your friends.

And a lot of the time when your family cares, how do they show IT? They show IT by pushing you, you know, they don't like your friends, or they think you headed down the wrong path, or they thinks you could get a Better job or take Better care of yourself. What do they do? They forget, tell you, I know it's annoying, and most of the time is how your family shows you that they care, they want more for you, they want you to be happy, and they see all your potential that may be going to waste.

However, when somebody says something to you about your life or your choices or their little judges, IT crosses the line all the time, doesn't IT IT doesn't feel like care IT feels like criticism. Now here's why this cuts deeper. Your friends can give you suggestions and opinions, but when your family does, you're like, don't talk to me about that I don't want to talk about.

We need boundaries. I got like the reason why is family relationships cut deeper than any other relationships that you have? Why whether you talk to them or not, whether it's positive or negative, you're still connected.

You're connected energetically. You're connected through the past. You're connected through everybody's expectations about the future. And knowing that people in your family are gonna a reaction because you're part of an inner locked web of relationships that spend in place for generations, knowing this is gone to help you navigate this Better because i'm going to keep coming back over and over to say your parents aren't changing, let them be who they are. Your siblings aren't changing, and neither is the dynamic or the past or the favoritism or whatever else you think is unfair or amazing. Let your siblings .

be who there. I'm not saying .

that these expectations or that this interconnected system is right. I'm saying it's a reality. And when you accept reality and you really are able to look at things not through emotion, but through facts, then you are empowered to change how you show up so that your behavior, in your actions, in your energy, a line with what you actually want.

And i'm assuming that you're listening to this and you hit play because you would love to be more connected. You would love less drama. You'd love to have more fun.

I wouldn't, so do I. I don't want to spend the time that I have with my family feeling tense or resentful or arguing about stupid things or big things. I'd like to feel the inner connected we B2Be mor e sup portive.

I'd like to play in and be excited, and that's we're going to talk about today. But really starting with this understanding of the larger context of the situation is going to help you control how you show up. And so I want to talk about changes first.

okay. Everything from the web to the due to the tap, tap, tap to the way that things going on outside the web, the weather can impact IT terror t shake IT. That's the family system. You can also see that you get entangled in IT and you don't want to be. And now i'm going to teach you this tool that i've been talking about a lot online and here on the podcast called the let them theory.

Now if you haven't heard about the less than theory, let me just tell you what IT is very quick, and they're going to jump in to how you use, but let them theory to navigate this web to separate yourself from IT, and how you're going to use IT to create stronger, more supportive, more fun and loving relationships with your family. So what is the let them theory? The let them theory is a mindset tool that helps you stay focused on what you can control.

And using the let them theory, you gonna learn that two simple words, let them will change your entire approach to life. Because, let's be honest, family can be really annoying. You've known these people for a long time since you've been born, and they have been born and their behavior impacts you whether like IT or not.

And so you're going to find that you're going on. Let them, let them, let them, let them, let them because the number one rule with this mindset tool is that you can't control other people. Your power is in controlling your response to other people.

And that's why you're going to use this with your family all the time, because you're gona start to realize that every single time you get frustrated or emotional or upset about something, the problem really isn't you. The problem is you've unknowingly given power to other people. And when IT comes to family, you've given all this power to your family's drama, or your sisters emotion, or your mother's disappointment, or you've allowed your dad's politics to affect you.

And when you allow other people's opinions or their drama or their uh, behavior to impact you, that means other people have power over you. But here's the thing you know that tap, tap, tap that i'm talking about, you feel that if you're entangled in the web, the let them theory as two parts. The first part is let them, let them.

When you say let them, you step back from the web and you're not tangled up in IT and you give space for that inner connective ess to be there. And you see IT and you understand the power of IT, but you separate from IT. And then when you say, let me, you focus yourself .

on where .

you have power, which is what you say, what you do, what your energy is and what you bring to that web. Let me is when you go tap, tap, tap, lets have some fun. Tap, tap, tap.

I'm in a step away from this conversation. Let me is where you see yourself is separate. And you decide when you join in, you decide what you bring to IT. And that's why this theory is so revolutionary, particularly with your family, because right now you're entangled in the web.

And the reason why the let them theory has changed my family dynamics and it's gona change yours, is that when you're an adult, you're not responsible for managing other people's motions. You ve got to let your mom be disappointed. You've got to let your step brother be an instigator on politics.

You're not responsible for parenting. You are responsible for your emotions, and you are responsible for how you reacted things. If you've had enough of the political talk, then say something.

If somebody is acting like a child in an adult party, get up from the table and leave, it's not your job to try to control, fix or manage someone else's emotions. It's their job. But when you're the parent or you're the step parent and you're dealing with a child, IT is your responsibility to help a child feel seen, heard, safe and supported.

And that's why this theory is going to help you so much, because it's gona help you understand inside of this very electric and energetic dynamic of emotions and history and opinions and expectations about what the family is and who should do what and how things have already gone. What is yours to manage and what isn't. When you're an adult, you're not responsible for your mother, you're not responsible for your father.

You're not responsible for how your brother in law, your sister in law, or anybody else shows up. You're responsible for you. So let them and then focus on what do I want, what do I want to be? Because the second you go, okay, I want my family to be more fun.

I want my family to be more connected. I want my family to be more interested. I want my family to be more supportive.

Now you have the road map for how you show up. And when you show up in a positive way, you're like, i'm not gonna get plugged to the B. S. Political crap that how this happens are not doing in IT.

Let them that peace and .

that ability to step back is another version of tap, tap, tap. But you're sending a coming wave through the entire web. And that's the coolest thing about the let them theory that you and I have spent years trying to change your family, managing them, feeling like it's your responsibility for your mom to be happy for no one, to feel guilty for everything to go OK, for the right place, to be put out from therapies, to look this way, everybody, to get the right present, for nobody's feelings, to get hurt, to try to control your temper when the golden child gets all the attention and every and the grand shoulder over here, the favorite like, that's how we've do with, no, no, no, no, no. It's a whole new way to do family.

And that is to see your family for who they are and let them, and then to take a step back and go, okay, well, what do I want? How do I want to show up? How do I want to bring the fun? What is that that I want to lean into, and what am I gonna opt out of? And when you started to get very clear about that, you now have a road map for whats in your control, which is how you show up, how you respond, how you engage, what energy you bring, what conversations you initiate, which ones you participate in, which ones you don't, that is all in your control.

And if you just stay laser focus on that, I promise you, no matter how chAllenging the dynamic is or anxious you may feel, you have the power to influence everything because you're part of the system in the web, and you are way more powerful than you think. And the more that I have focused on how do I just bring peace, how do I bring acceptance, how do I make everybody feel the love, how do I bring things that we can all bond over, whether it's family olympics or it's the puzzle, we're onna layout or it's really fun dance mix, the more things have changed. And in fact, one of my brother in law said to me, like, two years ago, he looked at me like bright in the face. He said, you know, well, you really changed and I thought, yes, I have because I made a decision .

to don't expect .

your family to change, because your family and your relationship and how you feel when you with family is your responsibility. But don't be surprised that when you start to change and you get serious about what you to feel and what you value in terms of how you show up as a daughter or a sister or a grandchild, that everything start to change, and that's the power of your influence.

This feels like a great moment to hit the pause button and let sponsors share a few words with you, but why you're listening to them. Share this with your family. Just imagine a world where everybody in your family is using, let them and let me to create more acceptance and connection.

How amazing. With that way, it's not only amazing, it's actually possible and don't go anywhere because we have so much more to dig into. And i'm going to be waiting for you after a short breaks to stay with us.

Welcome to your friend, male. We're talking about how you use let them and let me to create more connection and less drama and Better relationships and your family. And I know you want that, which is why you're listening to this. Here's what I wanted to share with the next.

So i'm sure you're sitting there wondering, okay, well, if you were able to change not only the family dynamic malt for yourself, but also so much so that somebody in your family is commenting on IT whatever you like before, i'd probably be your worst nightmare. And sister, and honestly, because i'm loud, i'm opinions, or at least I used to be this. I'm still that way, but I really templo red, red.

I had a lot of expectations and opinions about how things should go. And my husband's family are full of amazing people who also very open ted. And so I would engage in the web of energy which involved a lot of debating, a lot of poking and twisting um you know almost like in every family because there's dynamics between siblings and then you bring in spouses and kids and grandkids.

It's like the dynamic between the sibling starts to again rip through the whole web. And so you've got three boys very competitive at sports, at skin with each other. They're all successful, except for my husband.

And my husband is a successful person. I think he is the most amazing human being on the planet. But his success is not measured in money. His success is measured in the impact he makes in the lives of the men he works with, and in his work as a death dealer, and in who he is as a human being and how he shows up his partner and as a father. And Chris comes from a family where the success is really celebrated in financial success, and that trickles all the way down through the generations.

And so there's always been this kind of dynamic of competition and debating and lots of drinking at the table, which would always end in tears and fighting and somebody storming off. And a lot of that changed when Christy's father died, like fourteen years ago. And even though we all really like each other, and I think everybody wants to be really close, there is always this like underlying.

I don't know what IT is, just this connection. And I think that's true in a lot of families that you get together and you just really want to get along. And then all the old energy comes up.

And so I just decided, when I started getting serious about my own work on myself, in being a Better person and not feeling so anxious all the time or on edge all the time or insecure all the time, that as I started to try to settle my nervous system and just be more chill and be more loving and accepting and bring different energy, everything shifted because I opted out of the debates. I walk away from conversations where somebody in the family, whether it's my family or Christian family, they want to stick in the knife and twist IT. And a lot of times, it's kind of jokes at my husband because i'm the bread winner and he's not.

And I just walk away from IT. I don't say anything and that doesn't mean that i'm rolling over IT means is not worth my time and energy if that's what you're going to do with your time with your family, then do IT. But i'm not going to give my time and energy to this.

And as I slowly backed away from IT, I noticed I wasn't affected by IT. And what's interesting about that kind of form of bullying or that sort of instigating, or that sort of antagonism, which always comes from a desired in IT, comes from a place of actually wanting to connect in a weird and toxic way. But when I pulled away from that.

Is like when somebody doesn't have a target, IT starts to disappear when there's nobody timing in back to you, you're talking to yourself. And a lot of the times, I think we are showing up in family and particular with old patterns and old behaviors and just kind of modeling what's always been done. And we don't mean to be hurting each other, but we are.

And so instead of looking at my family members, whether it's my kids or it's my sibling or IT, is Chris family as the source of how i'm going to change this? Because that's probably what you're doing, right? If only I can get my mom stop making me feel guilty.

If only I can get my sister and modest, stop like talking politics. If only I could get my parents to stop playing favorites. You're looking at someone else as the source of all power in your life, and that's how you give your power away.

Other people are not responsible for your relationship with your family. You are. And when I finally real ized that and started going, wait a minute, let them, let them be who they are, let them live their lives, let them have their opinions, let them have their emotions, let them do life.

However, they're onna do life. The more I said let them, the Better my life got and the Better my family got. And the more I could see people who, for who they were, instead of getting sucked into the drama of the moment, and the more you can see the good and people, not just the small, petty stuff in the moment.

Because i'm not perfect, like I wouldn't like me as a sister in law based on how I used to be either. I wouldn't want somebody that competitive and that insecure and you know that opinionated that wouldn't be fun and you won't somebody like that either. And so I just really went to work on myself because I didn't like what I felt like to be me.

And I definitely didn't like the tension and the competition and the friction that I felt in family. And I wasn't there are all the time, but I knew I was a part of IT. And so that's why I say it's your responsibility.

You want more fun, you want more connection, you want more. Peace begins with you if you wish. The people in your family saw the good, and you, you got, learn how to see the good in them. If you wish, your mom or your dad would stop using a guilt trip to get you to come home for the holidays or to do things the way that you wish that they would do them, then you need to see that a guilt trip is like any other road trip. You get to decide if you're getting in the car, not let them be disappointed you're .

not their parent.

There are an adult when you give. And here's the amazing thing, when you give adults this space to feel their emotions. It's kind of amazing how the emotion disappears when you engage and you try to manage and you try to restore.

People's opinions are emotions to the ground. That's when all this black friction stays together. There's a whole different way to do this.

And IT has to do is just letting people be. And the more you let people be themselves, Better your relationships get. And the more space you give to the family dynamic, the more you see the good and people.

And that brings me to this tool that we write about extensively in the letter. There are going to turn to the page because I want to read you. This tool is so important, and I need to give credit to my body is the ability. This civility is the founder of quest nutrition SHE host the show called women of impact. She's a good friend of mine and SHE shared this tool called frame of reference.

And frame of reference is a fancy wave to saying, have you even bothered to step into your parent shoes? Have you even bothered to step into your sister in laws? Or your a brother shoes were so focused on our own experience and our own history that we never take the time to step into someone else to choose and try to see the situation from their point of view. And that's what true references. The second I started to go, or way a minute, this is my parents, the first time being.

human too.

I wait a minute. What must I feel like to be a parent who loves their kid? And the kid moves far away and you only see him three or four times a year.

What was step be like? What's their frame of reference? Wow, all their friends have their family nearby.

They don't. Of course they want to see you. Of course they're gona pressure you. Of course they're disappointed when they're .

not a priority. And we get so caught .

up in being upset or angry that mom wants to done this way. I have you stepped into her frame of friends and thought about the fact that this is her first time being human too. It's her first time being apparent too. It's her first time being a grandparent, too. You know, when you step into a wider family dynamic and you marry into a family you have not been there since the beginning, you don't know what it's spent like for all of the siblings this all time because you went there and so kind of going let them makes you be the bigger person IT lets you see that this is a webb of people.

And if you want to be a part of IT, then get serious about what are you going to bring to the web, is IT fun, is at peace, is IT connection, is IT interest, is IT compassion? Is that a calm demining? Or are you gonna bring your politics, you're gona bring your attitude, you're going to bring all the injury and upset you haven't worked out with therapies. Are you onna bring your belief that we should just be one big happy family, just put everything to the site, because those expectations also send shock waves through the system. And that's why I am to keep on reminding you, this is the coolest thing you get to decide what your relationship with your family is.

How cool is that? Imagine if you decided that you were going to, instead of icing everybody out, instead of being crossed, armed and and tense about IT, what if you were going to do the work and you're going to bring a let them theory to every family group, chat every gathering with your family, and you're gona let your sister do her thing, you're gona let the grandkids do their thing, and you're gonna focus on how you show up. Are you starting to see how this can really help you? I sure hope so, because that's why I wanted to talk to about this, and i'm going to tell you what else going to help you listen to this with your family, send this to everybody.

Because if everybody has this information, even if they don't use IT, trust me, it's gonna work at a some conscious level. And that's going to help make things even more amazing with your family. Don't go anywhere. I'm going to be waiting for you after a short break. And boy, something important to share when we return, stay with.

Walk back today, you and I are talking about how to use the let them theory to create a Better dynamic and close your connections and to have more fund with your family. So here's what I wanted to share with the next, because one of the things that can really tear families apart, our opinions, whether it's about politics or religion or how you should be living your life or the person that you're dating or IT, could be anything.

I wanna really just unpack how you're going to use the left m theory in this tool frame of reference to really try to understand or someone's coming from instead of debating IT. And i'm not talking about topics where somebody is denied your fundamental rights to live your life and to choose who you love and to worship whatever god you want or not. I'm talking about the petty things that we debate all the time because the problem is that when you get into a stand off with somebody, it's not really about the thing you're talking about.

It's literally a power struggle. It's about who's right. And in fact, as I was sitting down to take this conversation, my dear friend Cindy stopped ed by the house.

And Cindy is a grandmother. She's two sons. She's four granddaughters. And I was like, Cindy, I want you to sit down on my chair, here's a mike and tell me a little bit about what it's like with your family, what you excited about, what are your little nerve about? And boy boy, I think you're in a relate to everything Cindy had to say.

I'm always excited about the holidays when I get to have my two boys, their wives and my Green kids together is a gift because we don't live close to together. However, I have won my eldest son, who is told dark, handsome and a staunch conservative, and my Younger son, who is handsome, cute, but more of a liberal and a creative mind. And I have to say my older one, the conservative likes to egg the Younger one on I mean, he is the one that doesn't let you go for the most part but you know that's his personality and he gets that from who know who would me i'm the one that's more outgoing than um my underside my wish should be when we get together, whether beyond text message, grew text message or or at the dining room table which we do and frequently because we don't live close together, that the politics would stay in another room this is IT the mayor york speaking. No more done.

I'm like, andy, are you describing my family? I bet as you were listening to her, you're not in your head going. Why can't we all get along? Well, you can get on and IT starts with you.

And I want to read to you from the letham theory book, because if you're committed to creating connection with your family, you've got ta give up the need to be right for the sake of trying to understand. And this is incredibly difficult. It's incredibly difficult if you're dealing with somebody that has a narcissist personality style.

It's incredibly difficult if you're dealing with somebody who just likes to poke and get everybody all riled up and even say things they don't really mean or to understand just to get the rise at you. It's really, really hard. And it's one of the reasons why am so grateful for the let them theory, because IT kept me from jumping into the old dynamic of taking the bate when somebody throws out an opinion. And the thing about debating with people, whether it's politics or its religion, or it's whether or not veganism or a certain amount protein, is a Better way to think, is that both you think, right, but with the let them theory, there's space, there's acceptance and understanding for both opinions to be true. See, this is a .

really hard thing to grass.

Let's say that you disagree about politics. And this is a super contentious thing around the world. If you take as truth that the both of you think you're right.

The research shows when you come in to something and you actually think you're right, you will never actually be able to convince somebody else. In fact, you're just gonna make them double down. The irony is it's only wins somebody that you're talking to think you're listening to them, that they're open to considering a different opinion.

And so we get into these battles .

with our family in particular, where we just battle over who's right. And both of you are making a mistake because until somebody feels like you're actually listening and you're seeking to understand, they're not even open to hearing your point of view. And that's why I love saying let them let them have that opinion and let me have mine and let me create a space where i'm going to choose whether or not I want to lean in and understand why somebody that I care about might have an opinion that is the diabolically opposite opinion. But i'm going to try to understand why you believe what you believe, instead of jumping to being offended.

And here's the thing, IT takes an extraordinary, emotionally mature and intellectually smart person to be able to detach from your emotions, especially when somebody y's saying something offensive, and step into their shoes and try to understand how someone that you love, that somebody you grew up with, and have an opinion that is hurtful or even bided. This is not easy to do, and when this happens in life, how you choose to respond is a deeply personal choice. You know, I can't tell you what you should do if someone in your family is judging you, particularly when it's bigoted, particularly when IT is hurtful.

But what I can do is give you the tools to determine how you want to respond to the situation. Do you want this person in your life, even if they have this opinion? Do you want this person in your life? Or if you do, then let them. Creates the room for IT. And you know, we're covering a lot of ground here, but I do want to touch on the issue of divorce and being a step parent because i'm getting questions from listeners around the world about how chAllenging this dynamic is.

And I want to talk to the adults in this experience, because the mistake that most adults make is just assuming we can all just move on, just assuming everybody's gonna be one big happy family, and not really taking a step back and seeing that you are now part of this inner connected web, that is, how a hurricane hit IT. And whether you like IT or not, whether you're the nicest person on the planet or not, whether your kids amazing and I ve known the other kids or they've never known the other kids, not that matters because you're dealing with an extraordinary traumatic situation and you're stepping into a web that has on process grief. And it's important to check your emotions and your expectations and the fact that you're falling in love at the door.

And if you want to have a successful relationship with step children, then you need to look at this with clear eyes. And you gotta separate the love that you have for your new partner from the reality of this web of relationships that you are now impacting. And there's a couple facts that I want you to embrace.

Step children are grieving, and, sorry, yours, the life that they had wanted is gone and they're not at fault. This is not what they chose. And even if the children can say yes, mom, and data Better off not together, it's still not what they wanted.

And understanding that you're stepping into a space where they've experiences tremendous loss and IT takes years, a lifetime to process this. And by the way, every single family event from weddings to baby showers, IT just keeps spring in IT up. And i'm raising this because you have to both navigate a new relationship.

You have to navigate your kids and their grief if you have kids and having. Compassion and clear ize about the fact that you're dealing with an entire system that expected things to go differently. But really letting the kids grieve, letting the kids not like you, understanding that you are indirect competition with these kids for attention from their parent.

And by the way, they only get to see their parent half time now. So you are in competition with them. It's not fair. It's a fact. And i'm telling you that because what I see over and over and over again is the parents move on quickly from the marriage, and they do not give the kids the space in the compassion and the Grace to grieve.

And so if you're the parents that cuts of worst, you need to understand that if you want to stay connected with your kids, you have to triple down on making them a priority. You have to triple down on letting them not like your new person. You have to triple down on their mixed feelings, and you have to triple down on being super proactive, not opinions about making them a priority and not always including your person.

And the reason why this matters is because if you don't, you are demonstrating that they don't matter. You are demonstrating that this new person and their kids are more important than they are, which is only gna compound. Their brief, which is only gonna, create more frustration, which is only going to build into the dynamic, which is going to be around for years and years and years.

And no matter how many mistakes you may have made, as you're listening to this now, you can always make a Better. You can always take a step back and sit down with your kids and apologize. You can always ask for do over.

You can always point out what you did wrong and what you wish you had done Better. And you can always ask your kids what they need from you and then let them tell you. And gonna keep coming back to this point that i'm making for all of us, me included.

IT, because i've made plenty mistakes in my life and with my family. I have had hurt feelings and I have hurt feelings. I have been emotional and I have been distant. And there is always room for improvement.

But IT comes back to you, what do you want to create? These dynamics are very, very chAllenging. They're difficult. You there were easy. Everybody would be one big blunt to family. And so I just wanna say, I don't mean to be judged because everybody does the best that they can with the tools and resources and self awareness that they have. And there's that famous saying by by Angela, if I knew Better, I would have done Better.

And the important thing about this conversation, if you're willing to truly look at yourself and you're honest about what you want to create over time, the opportunity here is for you to acknowledge what's not worked and your part in IT and to apologize and actually make a Better. And I have so much passion about this because i'm frustrated. Created by what i'm seeing is a huge trend of just cutting people off, of not having the conversation, not apologizing, not giving people the benefit of the doubt, not trying to improve ourselves and instead just been like thrown our hands in there.

And i'm not saying there aren't narcissist personality types in your family or you don't have difficult people in your family. And i'm not saying that there are things that weren't done to you that weren't fair. Other people have apologized to you.

But at some point, you have to decide if holding a grudge is really what you're committed to or if you want to be the bigger person for the sake of bigger possibility. And that's what's available to you. And that's what I had to do.

Like I I don't like who I was in the past. I don't like the energy that I gave off. I don't like the fact that I got so busy with work that I was the end that always forgot to send the birthday present in the birthday cards.

I hate the fact that i'm always the last one to try in in the birthday texts. And so i've made a lot of mistakes and things that I wish I could do differently. And you can go back and change the past, but you can create an entirely different future if you want to.

And that's why I am so excited for you and i'm excited for your family, and i'm excited for what's possible when you are the one that steps into that web with your eyes wide open. And you don't tap, tap, tap, you shimmers shimmer, shimmers. And then everybody starts to loosen up.

You will be shocked by how much power you have, honestly. And I can't wait for that. I can't wait for you to experience that, and I can't wait to see the impact that you can make on people that you thought we're difficult. But IT just turns out they felt just as misunderstood as you did.

And that's then the thing that's been kind of surprising to me is the more that I soften, the more other people often, the more fun I bring, the more fun they I bring, the more I an and and support, the more they do. Because we all just want to feel accepted and loved and seen and heard. And how you show up can create that.

And I feel like where we've gotten in a lot of our families is we're fighting to be seen and heard, and it's a lot like a game of tug of war. You know like we're both polin on the rope. You wanted know how you win, quickly dropped up, disrupt rope.

And suddenly everybody else is too, because you and I ve been so focused on kind of the tools and the tactics and the facts IT can sound almost like a downer, but it's not. The fact is there is something really profound that I wanted to think about. See, there's a clock ticking in the background that one of us can see at.

At some point, your life is going to be over. Your parents are gonna gone. Your sister and brothers, if you have siblings, are going to be gone. And there is power available to you right now to make the most of the time that you have what you have IT.

And I want to read to you from the let them theory book, because this perspective about time is what motivated me to truly change the way that I show up for my family, to change the way that I aligned my actions in my time when IT comes to my family. And the let them theory truly helped me make changes while I still have the time to do so. I mean, the fact is, my dad is eighty years old.

I'm lucky if I have ten Christmas with them, and I hope outlives a what. My grandparent is lived too, but my grandfather died on his eighty four. And so I am very aware that if I want to lean in the times now, and you just never know when things are gonna and when you think about IT that way, I really want you to, because IT helps you focus on what's meaningful to you.

So let me read you from the let them theory book, and this is in chapter six on page. wonderful. The truth is you have limited time with your loved ones. At some point you're going to realize your parents aren't gonna here forever and that this was there first time.

As a human being too.

people can only meet you as deeply as y've met themselves, and most people, particularly the people in your family and my family, have knocked on the therapy. They haven't looked at their issues, and Frankly, they don't want to let them let your parents be less than what you deserve, let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale. They're just doing the best they can with the resources and life experiences they have.

But now you get to choose what happens moving forward. Now i'm not saying this to justify anything bad that has happened to you, and i'm not saying that you don't deserve Better. Everyone deserves to feel scene supported and loved, particularly by their family.

But the fact is, most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves or heal their past or manage their own emotions. And if they haven't done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in a way that you deserve. Let them, when you recognize you have a choice in your life, and you let your family be who they are.

You realize your dad not changing, your mom start changing. Your siblings aren't changing. Your in laws aren't changing. In fact, the older people get, the more set they are in their ways. The only person you can change as you, when you say let them, you see your family exactly as they are, perhaps for the very first time.

they're human and you have no control over .

what's happened in your family. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward.

Accepting the reality of your situation doesn't mean you're surrendering to IT. It's actually the opposite. Accepting the reality of your situation helps you reclaim your power to shape your future.

When you learn how to let adults be adults and accept people as they are, and then you decide how to make the best of IT. I promise you, your family dynamic are gona get Better. That's how powerful you are because the acceptance allows you to see your family with compassion.

And more importantly, IT allows you to see yourself as an individual who has your own unique game of reference and your own unique path in life. And then when you say let them, I want you to move to the second part, which is let me let me figure out what kind of relationship I want to create and based on the kind of person I want to be and the values that I have. And this is deeply personal because you get to choose mean, I could mean that you're spending more time with your family, not at a guilt, but because IT matters to you.

And this is what happened to me when I started to really embrace this and to dig deep around what I care about, I realized I don't know how much time I have left with my parents, with my dad's eighty years old. I'm lucky if I have ten more years with him, ten more summers, ten more Christmases. When you start to think about IT, that way what truly matters comes into focus.

And when you start to really embrace this part of your connection to your family, it's your responsibility. I mean, that might mean that you're going to define your own traditions even if IT upsets your family, let them IT might mean that you're the one who makes the effort, even though no one else does. You are the one who shows up and ask the questions.

You are the one who is interested. You are the one who makes the plans for the family. You are the one that brings the games.

No one, thank you. No one calls back. Let them. And the reason why this matters is because you're not doing IT for them. You're doing IT for you.

You're doing IT because this is the kind of person that you are. That's what that means to take responsibility for the kind of relationship that you have in regard. Your family is not about them. It's about you IT might mean saying I love you or understand or I forgive you for the very first time IT might mean having the hard conversation that you've been avoiding because you've been afraid of their opinions with their judgment or their disapointment IT might mean frame yourself from the guilt and making some big changes and IT might mean that you're onna separate yourself because you just aren't willing to accept less than .

you deserve or you .

might be like me and you're like, I got ta focus on what matters and I got ta focus on shifting how I show up because i'm gonna all in, but I still have time. The truth is, any relationship can get Better. And the letter on theory has helped me improve almost every relationship that I have.

Because when you let other people think what they think or feel what they feel, or say what they say, or do what they do, IT actually gives you the freedom to do what you want and to say what you want and to think what you want. And when you start showing up in aligning your thoughts and your energy and your actions with your values, guess what happens? You're so proud of yourself.

And when you're proud of yourself and you're showing up because that matters to you and you're not doing IT out a guilty obligation or this sense of duty, you're doing IT because this is who you are. You actually stop focusing on what everybody else thinks. And that creates the space for people to feel accepted and for you to feel in control.

And when that happens, everything changes. I am so excited for you. I'm excited for you to use, let them, and to use, let me to truly create a dynamic in your family that you deserve.

That's how powerful you are. And we've all made mistakes. Clearly, i'm still making him. I got a lot of room for improvement. That's not what to focus on. The thing to focus on is the fact he actually cared to that you value this.

And regardless of what IT is that you define and what your value say about what family means to you, IT is undeniable, in my mind, that you hold the cards, you're in control, and that you can shift this in any direction you want. Because IT all starts with you. And in case no one else tells you, and in case your family doesn't tell you how, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your power to create a Better life.

And when you get clear about the things that you want and the way that you want your relationships to feel, and you start using, let them and let me to create the space for people to live their lives, your life is gna get Better. Your relationships are gone to get Better. Your family life is going to get Better, and I am so excited for that to happen to you already. I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode.

Okay, he'll on. I think it's treat. What did I say? Because that was really good.

That's good and that you go at the top. Let me is when you go tap, tap, tap, lets have some fun. okay? I think that helps.

yes.

okay. So you're ready for the hook. Any anything else and I like that sound good.

okay. Are we done? Oh, my god, amazing going.

Oh, and one more thing I know, this is not a blue per. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers right? And what I need to read you.

This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a license therapies, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapy or other qualified professional. Got IT good. I'll see in .

the next episode stitcher.