How to Figure Out What You Really Want: Use This Life-Changing Hack
46:03 Share

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. For the years, one thing that's really struck me is how hard it can be to simply know what you want. I mean, let me ask you right now, do you really know what you want, for real? And if you do think you know what you want, are you sure? What if I told you that answering this one question, what do I want, it determines where your life is going to go.

This month, this year, over the next decade, heck, even the rest of your life. And if you don't know what you want, you have no direction and life is going to keep moving forward and time is going to keep passing you by. Don't you want to start moving toward what you actually want? Of course you do. And that's why today's episode is something really special. It's going to open your eyes. It's going to surprise you.

And I've designed it to help you figure out exactly what you want right now. So if you're struggling to make a decision, or you're just feeling kind of stuck in a rut, or you've got big plans, but you're looking for confirmation that you're moving in the right direction, I created this episode for you.

The Mel Robbins Podcast is proudly sponsored by Amica Insurance, our exclusive insurance partner. Amica understands how important it is to protect the things that matter most to you. So they'll put in the time to make sure you're taken care of, whether it's talking through all the details of your policy or following up after a claim. Your auto, home, and life insurance are more than just policies. They're protection for the life you've built.

As Amika says, empathy is our best policy. Go to amika.com and get a quote today. You know how they say opposites attract? Well, that is even true for how we like to sleep. Maybe you like a bed that feels firm, but your partner sleeps better on a soft mattress. Sleep Number does that. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store.

And now during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number Limited Edition Smart Bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, just visit jdpower.com slash awards, only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com. See store for details. ♪

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I'm so glad that you're here with me today so that we can spend some time together. It is always such an honor to spend time with you, and I just want to acknowledge you for choosing to listen to something that could help you create a better life. And if you're a new listener, welcome. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so glad that you're here, and I'm particularly glad that you're listening right now today to this episode. And if somebody shared this with you, and that's why you tuned in, then

The next time you see them, could you tell them thank you for me? Because they must really care about you. If they sent you this episode, wow, it means that they want to help you get what you want in life. Isn't that cool?

This episode, by the way, it's a little bit different from the normal amazing episodes that are here on the Mel Robbins podcast, because what you're listening to today, I have designed specifically as a workshop to help you gain the clarity and the courage and the conviction to answer one of the most important questions in life. What do you really want?

And before we jump into it, let me just explain a little bit about the episode today, because it's one of these really special episodes that I do every once in a while that I design and create. And I think about it more like a free workshop. It's just a way for me to do a little more, go the extra distance. And I want to do that for you because you have made the Mel Robbins podcast one of the most popular listen to and watch podcasts in the world.

in the entire world. I just learned this morning that we're about to surpass 150 million downloads of this show.

from those of you that are listening and from our subscribers on YouTube. So as a thank you, I do these workshops several times a year. In fact, I did one in January on the science of setting goals that almost a million of you have already taken. I'm gonna do another one on the science of goals this coming January. So you can look forward to that one too. In April, you and I did one about moving from thought

to action, how you make things happen. And almost a million of you have completed that workshop. And so I am so excited to be back and share this workshop with you as well. And this one, this one is extremely important because it's going to cover a topic that a lot of people miss, which is how do you answer the question, what do I want?

And this is so important because I personally think that the reason why so many people feel stuck or unsatisfied or even a little lost in their life is because if you don't know what you want, you're never going to get it because you don't even know what direction you should head in. And the other reason why this matters is because if you can't answer the question, what do you want?

You don't know what you value or what you prioritize, which means people who do know what they want, they're always going to come before you. So getting clear about what you want is the very first step to everything, really. And this is a hard question to answer because people can give you advice on how to make something happen, on the steps to take, but no one can answer this question for you.

You have to answer this question for yourself. And so I've designed this episode as a workshop to help you get laser focused on what you truly want at this exact moment in your life. And before we jump in, I just want to set this workshop up and tell you what you can expect.

Like all of the workshops that I've done on the Mel Robbins podcast, this episode has a free companion workbook. And you can download it at the URL melrobbins.com slash what. W-H-A-T. That URL, again, is melrobbins.com slash what.

And when you go to melrobbins.com slash W-H-A-T, you're gonna find a link and you can download the workbook. You can also find that link in the description as well. And you can also find it in the show notes. And if you're driving right now or you're taking me on a walk with you, you do not need to hit stop

and then download and come back. No, no, no, no, no. Just listen to me as you continue to drive or as you finish your workout or as you're going on your walk and think about the answers.

because I'm going to guide you through a series of questions that will help you get to the truth about what you want in your life right now. And so I will also remind you of that URL, melrobbins.com slash what toward the end of the episode. For those of you who are going to listen while you drive and walk so you can come back and get the workbook later.

My mission today is to guide you through a proven series of questions and exercises that will help you gain the clarity that you need to answer this really important question. What do I want? Because once you know what you want, it's super easy to organize your spare time and your energy and your focus and take the steps to help you start moving toward it.

And before we jump in and I guide you through the process, I want to remind you, share this with absolutely everyone that you care about. Whether it's someone in your life who's in college and needs to pick a major, or maybe someone in your life has a really big decision to make, or maybe there's somebody who you just simply see a bigger future for themselves than they see for themselves right now. You know, I personally believe that we are all capable of achieving remarkable things.

but you don't achieve them unless you know what you want. And the first step is getting clear. In fact, I'm in the middle of a lot of big decisions in my business right now. And I've been using the exact same process and framework that I'm about to walk you through to get very clear about what I want in my business next.

What you're going to learn applies to every kind of decision that you could make, whether it's a decision about your kids, a relationship, your business, your health, your goals. And so I want you to think about this episode as a resource that you can come back to over and over and over again, wherever you are in your life, whatever decision you need to make. I mean, maybe you started college.

And you're in a different place now than you were a year ago. And you're thinking about changing your major. Maybe there's something going on in your relationship. When you fell in love, you were a different person. You had different priorities. And now you're kind of confused and you're trying to decide, what do I really want? It's not only normal to change your mind and your desires and your goals. It's unavoidable. And clarity is

This clarity that I am going to teach you today, this is a skill. And so is the courage of having conviction about getting honest with yourself about what you truly want and what you value at this exact moment in your life. And you can learn how to do this. And you're going to learn today. And the reason why this is important, I'm going to say this one more time. Only you can answer this question for yourself, not your significant other, not your kids,

not your parents, not your friends, you. And if there's someone in your life that you really want to empower, then send them this and give them the framework to help them answer the question and find the direction that they need. Because if you can hear my voice or you can watch me right now on YouTube, you will benefit from this workshop. So here's how this is going to work.

You're going to download your workbook when you get a chance at melrobbins.com slash what, W-H-A-T. And the workbook is important because it's a way for you to take the framework I'm about to walk you through and dive even deeper into

and get more clarity about what you want right now. And to help you figure out the direction you need to go or the decision that you need to make, or even solidify something that you want to do, but boom, you just needed that like, yeah, I'm on the right track. You know, because when I started this podcast just over 18 months ago,

I just wanted to get the thing started. Like, I'm very clear, like, Mel Robbins, you need to get this thing launched. In fact, if you've ever read my New York Times bestselling book, The High Five Habit, there is an entire chapter

in that book about the fact that I was dreaming about launching a podcast. Now that book was published in 2021. And I used the same framework that I'm about to walk you through to get very clear that what I wanted was to launch a podcast. I was so sick and tired of thinking about it

that I finally was at the point that I want this, I need to do it. And walking through the framework, I'm going to walk you through in just a second, gave me the direction that I needed in 2021. And then I spent the next two years just studying what other people were doing and creating a game plan to execute against. And finally, 18 months ago, I started the dang thing.

And so answering the question, what do I want? It was easy a couple of years ago. I want to start a podcast. Boom, direction, go. Without answering that question, I wouldn't have a podcast right now. I would have been consumed by a bazillion other things. I would have been busy,

moving in the wrong direction. And that's true about a life, isn't it? There's a lot of people moving fast, but they're not going anywhere because they don't know where they want to go. And when I ask myself, what do I want? And I think about the podcast,

My goal and my sense of direction and where I want to head next, it's not just to do it. I see something so much bigger now that I have clarity about what I want. And now that the podcast is out into the world and I hear from you on like a daily basis and the impact it's making, holy cow, what I want is on just a totally different level.

And this is one of the reasons why you see me do these workshops for free, because I want to go bigger. And here's another example of how this question and figuring out what you want changes over time and why you need to keep coming back to the process I'm about to teach you. And what I wanted when our three kids were in high school and middle school, very different from what I want now that my husband, Chris, and I are about to be empty nesters,

And it's only with the clarity of knowing what you want, why you want it. It's only with that clarity that you have direction in life. I mean, if you don't know what you want, you're merely a passenger and the winds of chance are just steering you in whatever direction. You're like a sailboat without a rudder. I want you to take the wheel and get clear about what direction you're going to head in next.

And in order to kick us off, I just want to share a story with you about what a profound process this framework is. So at the end of last year, our team went on a team retreat and we went to this absolutely amazing retreat center. And when we designed this offsite, there were just a couple of rules. First of all, absolutely no work.

No talk about work, no phones, no laptops, no doing work. It was just three days for our team to be together, to unwind, to do yoga, to go in the sauna, to get a massage, to connect with your colleagues. It was absolutely extraordinary because we had been busting our rear ends on this podcast for over a year. We all lived in our bathrobes the entire time. It was so great. It wasn't even an HR violation to be with your colleagues in bathrobes at dinner. And it was the first time

that we had ever done anything like this here at 143 Studios as a team. And after working on this podcast for a year and creating 104 episodes in one year,

We needed it. Holy cow. And it was fantastic. And so this retreat center not only had like a spa and exercise classes and meditation stuff, but it had all these kinds of courses and sessions that you could do on all these different topics. And so my business partner who

who also happens to be my sister-in-law, Christine. She is the chief financial officer and the chief operations officer of the company. And so Christine, who I've known for more than two decades, is...

almost like the opposite brain of me. This woman is a numbers gal. She is spreadsheets. She is very analytical and smart. She is super black and white. She is not into the touchy-feely stuff at all. And so she signs up to do this class that truly changed her life. And Christine, you've agreed to come on reluctantly and talk about it. Tell

Tell me, what was the class? So the class was manifesting. Manifesting? Manifesting. And so I'm thinking this is a nice, like this will be something I can sit in the back of the room, just kind of listen to. I've already done like cardio drumming and some like nutritional cooking class. So this is going to be like a listen and learn. And the classes were endless. I mean, you could take a cooking class. You could take a yoga class. You could learn how to throw pottery. You could do horse therapy. I mean, it was just endless. And so you walk in and what happens?

It's me and the instructor. Just you and the instructor? Just me and the instructor. And once you walk in, you can't walk out. You can't walk out. Like, you're stuck. Like, I've walked in and she's excited to see somebody's shown up. And you're really going to hate the fact, Christine, that I want to hit the pause real quick in the story right now.

And let's hear a word from our amazing sponsors who helped me bring you incredible workshops like this at zero cost. And while you're listening to our amazing sponsors, take a minute and share this episode with somebody that you deeply care about. It's a way that you can make a difference in their life. And don't go anywhere because Christine did not walk out of that room. In fact, what was about to happen is going to blow your mind. Stay with us.

This segment is brought to you by Westin Hotels and Resorts. Westin is one of over 30 extraordinary hotel brands in the Marriott Bonvoy portfolio. And I personally am so thrilled that Westin Hotels and Resorts is a sponsor because I love hotels.

Weston. And you know, I interview a lot of experts on the Mel Robbins podcast, but there is one topic where I am the expert and that's travel. Because for years, I was a road warrior for work. I'm talking 150 days a year on the road. And so I want to share my biggest hack to instantly improve your travel experiences.

Stay somewhere that has an incredible bed so you get a great night's sleep. I learned this secret the hard way. Nothing will beat your body up faster or make your work trip terrible or your vacation blah than sleeping on a horrible mattress. And that's why I love Westin. They have the best bed in the hotel game and you know it.

You know how important sleep is. You know you're just a better person when you feel refreshed. Westin's mattress is so good, they call it the heavenly bed. They've developed it with sleep scientists to create optimal sleep. The mattress is plush and temperature regulating, and it feels like...

And you know what I love? The heavenly bed, it isn't just some fancy thing that only select people get. If you stay at a Westin, you get a heavenly bed, which means you get a great night's sleep. They even have lavender bomb and a sleep well menu with the best late night treats and teas for bedtime bliss. I mean, it's like sleeping in a freaking spa.

Recharge your body and mind with restorative sleep and Westin's renowned heavenly bed. With more than 200 destinations around the world, Westin Hotels makes it possible to keep up with your wellness routine while traveling. With signature amenities and offerings that help you move well, eat well, and sleep well, Westin Hotels makes travel an opportunity to enhance your well-being. Find wellness on your next stay at Westin Hotels.

Everybody here at the Mel Robbins podcast is obsessed with quints. And one of them is Emily, who manages just about everything here at the podcast. Emily, you were just raving about quints. Yes. I just got a whole new set of their luxury bedding. Just such high quality. I love it. Why do you love it so much? It's so nice for summer. It's breathable and it's soft. And I just like that you mix and match all the styles. I was able to get a duvet cover in one style and my sheets in another. It just was really fun to pick it out. And

what about the price? I got this whole bundle saved 25% by getting everything all together. Wait a minute. So you got 25% off Quince's already crazy low prices? Yes, for bundling the bedding. That's incredible. Here's the thing that I love about Quince. They have the highest quality luxury fabrics, but they are 30 to 80% cheaper than their competitors'

using similar stuff. So pack your bags and make your bed with high quality essentials at Quince. Go to quince.com slash Mel for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Mel to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash Mel. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

I got a question for you. What is one thing that you do for you? You know, something that whenever you make the time for it, you just feel better. It makes you happier. Maybe it's getting in a walk outside or reading a fabulous book or painting or journaling or meditating or a yoga class, or maybe like me, it's therapy.

because it is so easy for my schedule to get packed just like yours with work projects, things for the kids, for friends, for whatever. Next thing you know, I got no time to read a book or take a walk or go to yoga, but I'll tell you what I do make time for, therapy. Therapy makes me feel better. It makes me focus on what matters to me and it makes me happier.

So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. To get started, just fill out a brief questionnaire online at betterhelp.com slash Mel Robbins. You'll get matched with a licensed therapist. It's entirely online, convenient, flexible, and the best part is switch therapists anytime for no additional charge so that you find somebody that you love to work with. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Mel Robbins today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Mel Robbins. ♪

Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. And today I am so excited to be here with you because I have created this workshop that is going to help you get clear and use a framework that I use all the time to answer the question, what do you want?

And we were just about to hear this story from my sister-in-law, Christine, where she walked into a retreat at a work event. So Christine, what happened next? So I'm sitting there and she hands me kind of worksheet and we're waiting to see if somebody else is going to show up.

And luckily, one other person walked in. And so then she's like, well, you know, normally this is a presentation, but since it's such a small group, let's do some just kind of personal work. Let's talk about what you're here to talk about. You were probably like, yeah, I'm basically like want to die. I'm like, I have no clear purpose that I've shown up for that I'm trying to realize. I'm just like looking for something to do. Yeah.

Okay, so it's you and one other person. One other guy. And now we're going to do deep work. Now we're going to do deep work. And so how does it start? So basically, we're both sitting there and the guy's like, okay, I'll go first. And so...

And she's like, okay, what are you thinking about? And he was trying to sell a rental property he had. So like very like whatever. And the whole time I'm thinking, oh my God, what am I going to talk about? Like I'm barely like, okay, he's still talking. I'm still thinking. Like I was just trying to like come up with something. And so then she's like, okay, how about you? Like what do you want? Like what do you want? Like what's something you're trying to attract?

And so I just kind of put out there, like, I'd love to have a place on the lake to get away with my family. Okay. And I'm thinking like vision board, like 20 something, like my vision board of all these things that I wanted to have accomplished. And so not putting a whole lot into it, but just thinking like that. And she's like, okay, why? And I'm like, well, I think it would be, you know, it'd be fun of something my family and I can enjoy. And why? Yeah.

I'm like, well, my kids are in high school. You know, they're gone a lot. You know, they're busy with sports and friends and I don't see them as much as I used to. And she's like, well, why do you think a lake house will change that? And I'm like, well, we're going to get away. Like, we'll be together. Like, you know, just. And then so then she's like, well, why? Like, do you need a lake house for that to happen? And just was this very like.

very personal thing of feeling like, you know, time slipping away and feeling like I miss the amount of time we spent together when they were little. And so it was just this very, you know, this thing that seemed like flashy and very removed became like very personal and not at all what I had walked in there for. And it was a conversation around, she's like, well,

they're still going to leave, right? And so I'm in tears now. And this thing that I did was like, oh, this will be a fun one. And she's like, are you ready to do this now? And I'm like, well, no, I'd have to save up and it'd be a little while. She's like, so they're definitely gone by the time you're working for this house that they're not even going to enjoy because by the time it comes to pass, they're going to already be gone. And it was just really this realization of...

Thinking about the time that we had together when they were younger and when we were, their whole life revolved around our family. And that time had been a long time past. And, you know, really came away from the whole thing just very...

kind of grateful for that realization. And I had shared it with the team of just like, you know, because everyone was sharing what classes have you taken? What are you doing? And just this realization of this thing that seemed like it was like this wish dream thing really wasn't what I wanted. It was that I wanted the time with the boys and that I could have that now. I just needed to ask him for it and make that a priority.

That's amazing. Well, it was because it just is like you get so caught up, I think, in a lot of the things that are flashy or fun. And it's really not what it was all about. And so for me, it was kind of a breakthrough and very emotional because like you said, I'm not a hugely reflective person that puts, you know, I'm very logical. And so to have this breakdown in this class, it's

That I was not expecting or anticipating was just...

You know, it was a gut check for sure. And life-changing. Life-changing. Like I shared it with the team because we were sharing about all the classes that we had. And the fact that I started crying in this class was surprising to everyone who knew me from work. But I went home and I shared it with the boys and it made it a priority that we are making that time on a weekly basis to spend a little bit of time together. And that it's not the buildup for these big things, whether it's a trip or other things, like it's really just the time at home.

and enjoying it while I have them. You know, the thing that struck me about that experience and you sharing it is that, first of all, a lot of times when you think you know what you want,

Right. Which a lake house makes a lot of sense because you have friends that have a lake house and the boys love going up there with their friends. And so it makes sense to be like, oh, we need one of those too. And I want one of those. And you kind of paint the picture. And when you go deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and you get to the root cause of why, oftentimes the thing that you want is right in front of your face. And the irony is that

If you just stay at the surface and you chase that thing, you would have spent so much time working, trying to save the money for it and been so busy. Like, let's just say you could even put a down payment. Then it would be about the renovation or the painting or the this or the that, that you would miss all the time while they're still home. Right. And so I got a lot out of that too, because I do find myself kind of waiting for those big moments. Right.

And I, like you, am very aware of the time that's passing and want to maximize the amount of time that I have when the kids are right in front of me.

How has that realization of truly getting to the core of what you want changed how you live your day-to-day life? Well, I think part of it was I came home and I said, this is important to me. I've been honest with them. I'm just saying, like, I miss the time that we used to spend together. And I know your lives are, you know, busy and bigger and your world is much larger and will continue to get larger.

but I need some time while you're here. Whether it's driver's ed or doing those, I don't complain about those things at all. I'm just enjoying it while I have it. And I've got great kids. I'm so proud of them. And I think part of it too, or I'd like to think it, that when I shared the like, hey, I miss the time that we spend together. I think they've missed it too. I mean, because I think it's just, it's been able to put it out there. And then for us to just be much more intentional

And then it's also easy for them to be like, oh, my mom's making me do this, like, you know, like Sunday, not so fun day kind of deal. But I think it's just, you know, been something that I think has been good for all of us. Do you still want a lake house? It'd be nice. It's nice, but it's not the point anymore. I know you sharing this is going to resonate with millions of people that listen. Yeah. Other than saying it out loud to your family, is there anything else you put in place to...

make sure that you stay moving in this direction? Well, I think it's just prioritizing it. Like at the end of the day, it's just what is really important to me. And so as much as the lake house would be nice or, you know, some fancy things, like at the end of the day, it's really just the time with the people that you love and appreciating that while it's there. And it doesn't have to be big and fancy. Well, Christine, I just want to thank you because it's a really personal story.

and a really profound one. And what I love about the story that you just shared with us is that not only is the emotion palpable, but it illustrates the fact that so often what we think we want isn't what we want at all. That there is something at a deeper level that strikes to the core. And what's interesting is that here, Christine was at a

work retreat and she walks into a manifesting class. And if you listen closely, the person that was leading this little retreat used an engineering principle that is often taught in business school. It's called the five whys. It was developed by Sakichi Toyota, the Japanese industrialist and founder of Toyota Industries. He developed the five whys technique in the 1930s.

I mean, it's amazing. And Toyota still uses this technique to solve problems today. And it's one of my favorite problem-solving tools. And it helps you get down to the root cause or the root emotion so quickly around why you want something. And it's a way that you can test whether or not you want something or if...

There's a deeper reason why you want something. And so here's how you use it. You just ask yourself, what do I really want? And then you ask why four times. Why do you really want that? Why? Why now? Why? And every time you ask why, it forces you to dig a little deeper and you get closer to the truth and to the answer that you're actually looking for. And you heard Christine say,

share that wisdom as she was reflecting back. And in the workbook, I guide you through this exercise. And what I want to do to make sure you really understand how this works is I'm now going to invite my daughter Sawyer to join us. And I'm going to walk her through in real time this framework of the five whys,

And you're going to hear her explain what she wants and then go deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper to the core. And so let's take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our sponsors. Make sure you share this with somebody that you love. If you got goosebumps, like I got goosebumps listening to Christine, if that brought up something for you at a deeper level that you really want...

share this with someone else. It'll really make a difference for them, just like it made a difference for you to hear it, just like it made a difference for Christine to go through it and to retell it. And when we return, my daughter, Sawyer, will be in studio with us, and you and I are going to walk through the five whys with her, then I'm going to share mine, then it'll be your turn. Stay with us.

If you're a business owner and you're looking to start a gold medal winning team, now is the time. LinkedIn Jobs is the perfect hiring partner that will help you choose your next winning employee. LinkedIn Jobs helps you hire professionals you can't find anywhere else. I'm talking superstars who are not actively searching. 70% of LinkedIn job searchers don't even visit other leading job sites.

Whoa. You can only get these amazing employees on LinkedIn Jobs. If you're not looking on LinkedIn Jobs, you're looking in the wrong place. Plus, LinkedIn Jobs understands business owners in a way that other platforms just don't. They make hiring so easy, reliable, effective. 86% of small businesses get a qualified candidate within 24 hours.

And if you don't have time to write the job description, no problem. LinkedIn Jobs will help you write the job descriptions, making the process even easier. Post your job for free at linkedin.com slash mel. That's linkedin.com slash mel to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply.

Your mental health is so important. You know it's true, I know it's true, and Macy's does too. Macy's has partnered with the Jed Foundation and National Alliance on Mental Illness to make sure everyone knows how important mental health is. Now through September 14th, you can round up your purchases in-store and support Macy's in their partnership with the Jed Foundation and National Alliance on Mental Illness to ensure young people have the tools and resources they need to improve their well-being.

Learn more at macys.com slash purpose. In the spirit of the Summer Olympics, I've been thinking about what event would I win a gold medal in? It'd be grocery shopping. I have my routine locked in with Thrive Market. It takes me five minutes. I just go to thrivemarket.com slash Mel. I add my stuff to my cart. I hit checkout. Boom. And then I've got a week's worth of healthy, delicious groceries right to my doorstep.

And guess what? You can be a gold medal winner too at grocery shopping with Thrive Market. It's the number one online destination for anyone looking for healthy, stress-free grocery shopping. Not only do you save time shopping as a Thrive Market member, you also save money on every single grocery order. On average, members save over 30% every time they shop. They even have a price match guarantee and a deals page that changes weekly.

That's even better than a gold medal. Save time and money and shop Thrive Market today. Go to thrivemarket.com slash mel for 30% off your first order plus a free $60 gift. That's T-H-R-I-V market.com slash mel. Thrivemarket.com slash mel.

Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I'm so excited that you are here with me today. You and I are doing a workshop and you're learning the skill of clarity. You're gaining the courage to have conviction about what you want. And we're using a framework called the five whys to help you get to the truth about what you want, why you want it, the deeper meaning of

behind this. And so I want to welcome my daughter, Sawyer, to the studio. Hey, Sawyer, thanks for being here. Of course. Tell everybody how old you are. I'm 25. And what do you want? I want to move to New York this year. And why do you want to move to New York? I have always wanted to move to New York since I was a little girl. Why have you always wanted to move to New York since you were little?

I think that it has always just felt very energetic, as if there's an energetic pull that I have to live there. And it's always been on my bucket list. And so I'm making it happen. And why has it always been on your bucket list to live in New York City? I think that I've lived and went to college in Boston for the last 25 years. And I

am really ready for my next step in life and to prove to myself that even though I've always wanted to live in a new city, that I actually can. And why is it important to do it now? I think that I always envisioned myself in my 20s living in New York. And so I'm in a stage in my life where it feels right for me. And at the very bottom beneath all of the

wanting of it and the visualizing of it. Why do you want to move to New York? I feel like there's just a lot of possibility there. And it feels like growing up in Boston and going to school in Boston, I love the city so much, but I'm just ready for something bigger and more uncomfortable and more extreme. And

I'm really looking for a fresh start in my life. And I know that if I am able to make this happen, that I would be extremely proud of myself and would have kept my word as a little girl. Oh my God, now I'm going to cry. Like it's literally about keeping a promise to the little you. Yeah. Don't cry. I'll cry. Oh my God. That's pretty deep. Yeah. I feel like I made a lot of...

I wasn't going to cry. A lot of promises to myself as a little girl and New York has always been one of them. So I'm ready. Of course, as your mother, I want to know what the other promises are that you made to yourself. Well, one of them was backpacking around Asia, which I just checked off for four months and

Another one is starting my own business whenever that happens in the future. Definitely New York. One of them was being Kendall's tour manager, but I think that is no longer on my to-do. Why? Maybe it will be, but she needs to figure out some stuff first. You know, what's interesting is that this...

little framework that you went through. It allows space for all these other things that you want, but I think it makes you laser focus on the thing that's the most important right now and why it's the most important. Because when I asked you, what do you want? You could have said, I want to launch my own business, but you didn't.

You said, I wanted to move to New York. Yeah. And in answering the series of the five whys, you got deeper and deeper and deeper to the core reason. Like, now I'm going to get really choked up. And it's really about keeping a promise that you made to yourself as a little girl. And now's the time to do it. That is so beautiful. Yeah.

I remember when I was in my freshman year of college, we had this class called Courage to Know at Boston College with Luke Jorgensen. And an assignment we had was to write a eulogy for ourselves. And we worked on it like all semester. And our final assignment

was to read it out loud in class. And you were there. I don't know if you remember. Oh, I will never forget this day. And

I had never written a eulogy or honestly been to many funerals and feel lucky for that, but was very inexperienced, I would say. And people start going around reading through their eulogies and people are saying they've solved cancer and gone to space. Just the list goes on. Accomplishment, accomplishment, accomplishment, accomplishment, accomplishment.

I started to sink in my seat. My God, so embarrassed. And when it was finally my turn, I told my teacher out loud that I think I did this assignment wrong.

Because as I was reading my eulogy, the entire thing was about living in New York with my sister. Basically was about how she graduated from Boston College and she moved to New York and she had three beautiful children and... Two Australian shepherds. Two Australian shepherds. And then I died peacefully. Surrounded by family. Surrounded by family. And there was nothing about accomplishments or what I did other than moving to New York.

in the entire thing. Well, it sounds like you lived a big, beautiful, fulfilling life. I hope so. I'm currently trying to do that. Well, it was Parents Weekend. And so there were all these parents in the class and it was a small seminar class. And I remember this like it was yesterday because you were one of the last people to go. And everybody that read, you're right, it read like a

list of accomplishments at an Academy Award ceremony where, you know, one thing after I'm cured cancer, I've done this. And then there was the one like artistic type whose obituary began with like he was shot in the face on a sailboat at the age of 25. Remember that? I'm like, oh my God, he needs therapy. And so then it got to you and you wrote this amazing description of

I'm going to start crying again. That was, you're right, you moved to New York and you lived with your sister. And you were married for like 60 years and had three kids and two Australian shepherds. That you were surrounded by friends and family when you died. And I think that's what we all want. Yeah, for sure. And so I'm really glad that you're going to keep this promise to yourself. Me too.

I think you're going to find a good apartment. I hope so. So, mom, what do you want? Okay. Well, what do I really want right now? I want to write this fantasy novel series. Oh, okay. I thought you meant the other one. No. The current one. I want to write a fantasy novel series. Yes. With you.

and Kendall. Are we disclosing the name of it right now? Absolutely not. Okay. It is a book idea that we came up with probably 12 years ago while we were sitting on a beach, and you were 13 years old, and I still have the handwritten notes as we described the theme and the characters and the fantasy world and the plot lines and everything

I have thought about that since the day on that beach, and it is just right in front of my face. It might be because I've just mainlined the Court of Thorn and Roses audiobooks. So, you know, when I ask myself, why do I want that? You know, I would love to do a creative project like that, and I would love to do it with you. Why?

I think it would be amazing to get lost in a completely fictional world that we've created. Why? I am just yearning for a creative process that feels exciting and that doesn't have the deadlines and demands of work. Like something for the just joy of getting lost in.

in something. Why? I think it's because everything that I do right now has a deadline and it just is like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And I want to feel something more expansive than the current way that I'm creating things. And I've never done anything like this. And frankly, it scares the hell out of me because it's something that I don't know how to do. I don't

I have no idea how you write fiction. I have no idea how you build a fantasy world. I have no idea, like never done it. Why? I'm dying to get lost in something. And I think that's the reason. I'm really looking to get time back. And it seems like this project and really having a world to escape into would allow me just the space to

away from the constant demands of absolutely everything that I do right now. That makes a lot of sense. And what's interesting, as I say all that, is that I don't have time to write this right now. I don't have time for another project. So what I actually want is similar to what your Aunt Christine was saying.

That I want this project so badly and I want to start on it and start collaging images around it and imagining it because I have no room for myself right now. Every thought is about work. Every thought is about something related to

you guys or dad or the dogs or the cat or like something that I need to do. And I just want just some freedom from that like obligation of constantly thinking about something that's got a deadline attached to it or someone that needs something. Like this just feels like something that's all my own. And so I think what I actually want is more time

to myself doing nothing. And it's kind of ironic that somebody that is overworked right now and doing too much would create yet another project to then be the reason that I need to escape, just like Christine would see a lake house as a way to get what she really wants, which is more time with her kids and her husband and her family while her boys are still home.

Mm-hmm. It's really illuminating. I still think we should write it. Yeah, we have to. We're going to. Maybe not today. Maybe when you retire. So what are you going to now do with this insight? First, I'm going to take the wisdom from the 5Y framework and...

focus on that. And that is, I desperately need time to myself, time away from work, time away from deadlines, time away from taking care of everybody else. And that might just be making sure that it's not a 10 minute walk I take in the morning, but I actually get up and go for a half an hour walk. It might be that I spend more time

on the weekend just out in the garden doing nothing, which is time that I really enjoy by myself. It might be that instead of turning on the TV,

I drop into a book, like something that allows me to escape the constant thinking. Does that make sense? Yeah. Like I just need more space. I could even see going away for like a, all of a sudden what popped into my mind was doing like a meditation weekend where I just go alone and I do something for me. That's amazing.

which is something I can do now. And I don't have to write a three-part fantasy trilogy to do it. Yeah. All right. Now I'm talking to you. What do you really want? And now let's go a little deeper. Why do you want that? Okay. Why? Why do you really want that right now? Allow yourself to like have that moment. You heard Christine have it. You heard Sawyer have it. You heard me have it. Like there's something deeper for you to discover.

And what I love about the deeper insight is that you can pull that into your life now. Yes, you can go get the lake house. Yes, you can move and get a fresh start. Yes, you could write the novel or change the job or really make anything that you want happen. But when you know why you want it, that time is slipping through your hands and you want to make the most of it while you can with the people that you love.

That you made yourself a promise when you were really little and now is the time to see yourself have the courage to keep that promise. Or maybe it's just that you want time to yourself. That there's something that you've been neglecting for you and it's not the thing on the surface that you need. You need the deeper thing and you need to figure out how to bring it into your life now.

That is a sense of direction that is meaningful, that has purpose, that is profound. What do you really want? Because when you can answer that question and you can answer why you want it, you know exactly what to do with your life. And I know what I want. I want to thank you. I want to thank you for sharing this episode with the people that you love. I want to thank you for downloading the workbook.

And I also want to tell you in case no one else tells you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to figure out what you want and then turn your life in that direction and go for it. This is not fun. You're great. You're going to be great. What is that noise? You're not getting out of this. Oh, darn. I'm sorry. What comes next?

Good job. You went deep, dude. I know. I wasn't expecting that. I think I blacked out. Amazing. Wow. Okay. How much like Jesse's sobbing.

Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.

Yeah, it's another day, but what kind of day is it really? A day of doom scrolling? Laundry day? Nah, it's a White Claw day. Light and refreshing tasting. Uniquely cold-weight filtered. There's an iconic flavor for everyone. So grab a pack, grab your friends. Make the most of each day with those who matter most. When you're together with White Claw, every day is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. You just gotta grab it. White Claw. Grab life by the claw. Please drink responsibly. Hearts also with flavors. White Claw's also works Chicago, Illinois.

Imagine earning a degree that prepares you with real skills for the real world. Capella University's programs teach skills relevant to your career so you can apply what you learn right away. Learn how Capella can make a difference in your life at capella.edu.