Trump to Women: "I Will Be Your Protector" | Aubrey Plaza
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Welcome to the Cooper residence. Cooper McAllister. I'm surprised you put my name first. Come on in. From the brains behind the Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon, CBS is excited to welcome back some beloved, familiar folks. I am so glad that you and Cece are here. And Georgie. Atta girl. It's a whole new chapter. Georgie and Mandy's first marriage premieres CBS Thursday, 8, 7 central and streaming on Paramount+.

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From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news. This is The Daily Show with your host, Desi Lydon. The Daily Show.

We've got so much to talk about tonight. Donald Trump begs women to take him back. Mark Robinson wants his scandal to climax and finish already. And we get to know the real Tim Walz. But first, let's talk about women. Did you know they can vote? Take a look at the men trying to win their support in a special edition of Indecision 2024. His graphics cost 10% more because they were pink.

Let's start with Donald Trump. According to polls, he's deeply unpopular with women. Maybe it's because of his legally adjudicated record of sexual assault. Maybe he forgot their birthdays. It's hard to say. But the fact is, he needs to win them back, and he knows it. So last night, he turned on the old Trump charm.

Women are poorer than they were four years ago, much poorer, are less healthy than they were four years ago, are less safe on the streets than they were four years ago, are more stressed and depressed and unhappy. Excuse me, you really know how to flatter a lady. Please tell me more about the bags under my eyes.

How about he's acknowledging that we're stressed out as though he's not the one stressing us out? This is like Boeing being like, "Weird how people seem so freaked out about air travel these days." It's not true that all women are poorer. E. Jean Carroll seems to be doing pretty well.

But Trump is a master marketer. That's how you sell things to women. You convince them that they have a problem, and then you say, here, buy these vagina gummies. And yes, in this analogy, Trump is the vagina gummy. I believe that. I will fix all of that and fast. You will no longer be abandoned, lonely, or scared. You will no longer be in danger. You're not going to be in danger any longer.

You will no longer have anxiety from all of the problems our country has today. Women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free. You will be protected, and I will be your protector. I'm actually meeting someone here. I have a boyfriend. Thank you so much, though. I know what you're thinking. How can Trump expect women to support him when he took away abortion rights? Well, luckily, he has an answer for that.

You will no longer be thinking about abortion. Because we've done something that nobody else could have done. It is now where it always had to be with the states and they vote of the people. Yes, the states where women live. Remember that?

that you could always depend on because it was legal everywhere? Well, now it's up for a vote every two years in every jurisdiction forever. That feels better, right? No need to think. Don't think. Just don't think. But Trump isn't the only one not thinking clearly about abortion. Republicans up and down the ballot are having trouble with it, like Ohio's Bernie Moreno. He's the Republican nominee in a pivotal Senate race.

It's high stakes, so try not to piss off half your constituents. Republican Senate candidate Bernie Marino is getting harsh backlash tonight because of comments he made over the weekend about women who support reproductive rights. You know, the left has a lot of single-issue voters. Sadly, by the way, there's a lot of suburban women

A lot of suburban women, they're like, listen, abortion's it. If I can't have an abortion in this country whenever I want, I will vote for anybody else. Okay, a little crazy, by the way, but especially for women that are like past 50, I think it was something. It's an issue for you. Yeah, how dare a woman who can't get pregnant care about abortion? Only men who can't get pregnant are allowed to care about abortion.

People should only care about issues that affect their bodies. Why do you care about it, Bernie Moreno? It's abortion, not the rising price of extra small condoms. But of course, the winner of this week's shitty men competition has to be North Carolina's Mark Robinson. It for Governor and horny Carl Winslow.

Last week, it was reported that Robinson spent years posting on the porn website nudeafrica.com. Yeah, he called himself a black Nazi and wished he could buy slaves. He talked about his love for trans porn, even though in public he denounces trans people, and he allegedly wrote detailed fantasies about his wife's sister that are so explicit...

I only feel comfortable reading them to you if I replace all the nasty words with the word smurf. So, here we go. Okay, here it is. Right when I was really pumping the smurf shoot good, she shot a long hot stream of smurf up in the air that covered my chest and smurf.

It was so smurfing hot. She was smurfing, I was smurfing, she was smurfing, and I was covered in smurf and smurf juice and smurf. Damn. There goes my childhood. Now, normally, even if one of these things were reported about, you'd probably lay low for a while. But Mark Robinson is not a normal person.

New this morning, Republican Mark Robinson, fiery and defiant. While this country is literally facing a crisis situation on the world stage, while our border is wide open, while our businesses are struggling, while folks are dying from fentanyl, while crime is spiraling out of control, you folks want to focus on tabloid trash. And quite frankly, I am sick of it.

Yeah. People, listen up. There are real issues at stake here. Inflation is so high, America's MILFs can't afford to pay their pool boys. Utilities are so expensive, young men are forced to shower with their stepmoms. Cities are so strapped, the MTA is raising prices on the bang bus. American families are so poor, they're living ass to mouth, and immigrants are stealing all our Anglo.

Well, we go live to North Carolina with Dulce Sloan. Do you think this Mark Robinson scandal is going to affect the female vote? The female vote? No, no, no. Women shouldn't have to respond to this. The Robinson guy is a problem for men. He's confirmed all our greatest fears about them, that they just want to cheat on their spouses and watch porn all day. I want a man to answer for this. Where's Josh? Josh Johnson, show yourself. Put a camera on Josh.

Robinson right now. What? Is there a camera in my house? Camera in my house? I'm an Airbnb super host, baby. I can sneak a camera into any room in America. But that's not important. You need to tell me right now you're not leaving Nazi comments on porn websites. What? I bet you're jerking off right now. See both my hands. How you little freaks do it.

I'm eating. Who eats and watches porn? Jared from Subway. Next question. Desi, help me out. Answer the question, Josh. Are you watching porn? I'm watching a documentary on industrial farm animals. So you can f*** them. Yeah, nasty. Why don't you go to the last page of Pornhub? It's not porn. Oh, so you've never watched porn? Dulce.

My mama watches this show. Don't make me say. See, I knew it. I bet you're on nudeafrica.com right now. I've never even heard of that website. Oh, so you're saying you don't find black women attractive? John. When did I say that? You know what? You nasty. Get this off my screen. He makes me sick. He makes me. There you have it, Desi.

Clearly, men like Josh Johnson will be voting in record numbers for Mark Robinson. You gotta vote. Bring the Purell ladies, 'cause that voting machine lever is not the only thing they're yanking on. - Duly noted. Dulce slow to Josh Johnson. - Your business deploys AI pilots everywhere. But are they going anywhere? Or are they stuck in silos, exhausting resources, unable to scale?

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One week from tonight will be the first vice presidential debate. So let's get to know one of the two men who will be on that stage in another installment of The Daily Showography. Boy, that Tim Walz fella sure seems nice. A little too nice.

Tim Wall's job is to be the Jack Kevorkian for America. His job is to be the assisted suicide doctor. To lean over charmingly by the bedside of America and to give it a fatal injection. Close your eyes, America. It'll all be over soon. This is the daily showography of Tim Wall's Radically Nice.

Sponsored by Trump Vance and Project 2025. Timothy James Walls had a dangerously folksy upbringing. My town had 400 people in it, 24 kids in my graduating class, 12 were cousins, 12 were cousins. He developed a taste for blood from his father and grandfather, who owned a meat locker.

and was indoctrinated into communism while working on a farm, where he evenly distributed fertilizer, regardless of which crops worked the hardest. Soon, Walls was recruited to join the National Guard, where he admitted to swindling our brave troops. I willingly say I got far more out of the military than they got out of me. Disgusting.

That government welfare paid for him to attend an elite Ivy League-style school in the globalist nexus of Chadron, Nebraska. Not surprisingly, Walls used his education degree to get a job teaching America's future enemies in communist China. In China, Walls worked at a Chinese school, teaching armies of Chinese students who were from China.

After completing his Chinese brainwashing, Walls returned to the Midwest, where he indoctrinated decent American children with his social studies, forcing them to read textbooks and look at maps. Now safely undercover in Minnesota, Walls married fellow teacher Gwen Whipple. And where do you think they honeymooned? That's right, China.

To this day, he still doesn't try to hide his allegiance. Happy Chinese New Year of the pig. Walls' sinister niceness couldn't be contained by a classroom. It started bleeding into after-school activities when he took a position coaching football, the same sport CIA operative Travis Kelsey plays as part of his Taylor Swift side-op.

But it's no surprise Walls ended up a football coach. It was in his blood to crave the touch of dead pig flesh. From there, it was a small step to his most evil act of kindness yet, grooming children to be nice to each other.

They asked if I would be interested in helping start a gay-straight alliance group. You have an older, white, straight, married male football coach who's deeply concerned that these students are treated fairly and that there's no bullying. Bullying.

But being nice to children wasn't enough for this sicko. He wanted to be nice to a whole congressional district. I will speak for you. Thank you. After winning a seat, Walls charged in on day one, just dripping with entitlement. Holy cow. Look at the door. My own restroom. Pooping on the taxpayer's dime. You know where else they have government restrooms? China. China.

Before long, this ambitious zealot set his sights on an even fancier place to poop, the governor's office. His opponent tried desperately to warn people. I think Tim Walz is an affable individual who has a wonderful smile. But it was too late. Walz seized power, and within days, the state was overwhelmed by riots in the streets and a deadly virus from guess where?

To no one's surprise, Governor Walz unleashed a fury of radically nice policies. And the nicest of all, free breakfast and lunch for school kids. You know who else gave kids free food? That witch who ate Hansel and Gretel. A nice chicken!

Walls transformed Minnesota beyond recognition, even renaming its very roads after bizarre pop stars who would make less confident men question their own sexuality. This is the coolest bill signing that we will ever do. Sure, if you like your little Corvettes. Red. And his dark addictions don't end with pop music. Whether it's fixing cars, coin collecting, butter carving, or owning guns and hunting. Wait, no, skip that one. That's normal.

The point is, Walls is a madman who dabbles in elitist predilections ranging from haute cuisine... I'm a corndog guy. ...to haute couture. I'm wearing corndog socks, just to be clear for everyone. So it's no wonder that when Kamala Harris needed a henchman for her extremist takeover of America...

There was only one man for the job. The most neglected part of homeownership is the gutters. Drink some water, folks. It is hot out. The grass is green. The coffee's hot. We're close to putting the hay in the barn and getting this thing done. And that's why Tim Walls truly is radically nice. I think I live the most boring life of anyone you've ever met. I love you.

If your business needs a new application, then developers will have to write code. A lot of code. If an application needs to be modernized,

Hey,

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with the premium monthly plan. For a limited time, new subscribers stream for up to 50% off. BET Plus has culture on Locke, Black Stars, legendary throwbacks, and new series you'll love. Hey there, fellow Globetrotters and Destination Dreamers. If you're anything like us, you'd know that life's too short for boring toasters and towels. That's why we decided to ditch the traditional wedding registry and went with HoneyFund.com. Imagine your friends and family chipping in to send you on a dreamy exotic honeymoon. Practical? Check. Check.

Meaningful? Double check. Plus, it's fee-free and so fun for wedding guests to shop. So why get more stuff when you can have unforgettable experiences? Join the revolution at HoneyFund.com and start your adventure today. An Emmy-nominated actor who stars in two upcoming films, My Old Ass and Megalopolis. Please welcome... ♪♪

I don't want to do that but it does feel good on my broken knee. How is your knee by the way I don't want to do that the whole time. It's doing already committed and we're doing we're doing that the whole time that feels right I get or not it really does feel good does it help keep it up there, I don't give a cable who's even watching now.

Aubrey injured herself doing something very cool playing basketball. Not like me when I tweak my back because I slept the wrong way. No, I've done that too. It's true. I was playing basketball on...

WNBA All-Star Weekend in Phoenix at their brand new, beautiful practice facility. And it was a very casual game that ended tragically. So sorry. And I wasn't even being guarded. It was very embarrassing to do that. I just went up for a shot and then came down weird. And then the entire...

Team USA staff of doctors. Oh. You know. They were there. Oh, yeah. To rush in. Oh, yeah. I think actually, I could be wrong, but I might have been the first injury report on the Team USA roster. I'm not kidding. You shoot a leg with that.

That's like number one. Yeah, I think it's true. I know you probably have to be a little bit tight-lipped about the plot of this Coppola film, Megalopolis, but I think it's apparent from the clip that we just watched. This is the tragic story of a very disgruntled elevator operator. LAUGHTER

What is she so disgruntled about? Well, you know, her dog got killed in a very... Oh. Oh, sorry. No. No. No. Aubrey, no. Oh, no. She wants money. She wants power. She wants to get out of that elevator. Yes. She's been in there for far too long. Nothing will stop her.

Yes. You, in all seriousness, you play a morally corrupt journalist. How much Tucker Carlson footage did you have to learn to study for this character?

I mean, I actually, in all seriousness, I did watch a lot of Fox News. Did you? To study, to, yeah, to research my role as a corrupt journalist. I did. How high are your therapy bills now? High. Very high. Yeah. Yeah. What was that like being, I mean, a f***er?

Coppola film. That's enormous. It's wild. I still can't believe it. We had the premiere last night and I was sitting around going like, I cannot believe I'm in this movie. It's insane. Yeah. It's such a, yeah, he's such a legend and, you know, an icon. It's like, it doesn't feel real. And I heard that he treated the set almost like theater camp. There was a lot of improv and rehearsal. Is that true? Oh, yeah. He, yeah.

I mean, Francis loves actors. He loves the process. And he set up a week of rehearsals. And I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. But I found out very quickly that anything can happen. And it's not about reading the lines on the page. It's about doing whatever, you know, games, you know, come to his mind on that day. Different kinds of games. Yeah.

Yeah, but it was it was kind of amazing because it was a mind meld. We all kind of, you know, it was like an old, you know, timey kind of theater troupe. We all kind of like, you know, connected and our defenses fell away. And it was it was fun. Did you love that? Because you come from improv theater, sketch comedy as a

comedic actor coming up was that like oh yeah, I get to roll up my sleeves or were you like um I memorized my lines um You know to be honest. It was a little bit of both. Yeah. I mean yeah, I like to do it I love improvising in general, but um but you know yeah, I mean there was one day I remember I walked in and there was a little wooden platform with a microphone and one of his interns with like an old-timey like spotlight and

kind of like, you know, like that. And I walked in and he said, it's time for the wow show, which is my character in the movie. Wow. Put on the show. And everyone started clapping. And it was like, this is a nightmare. This is like actually like literally like what happens in nightmares. And he wanted you to improvise the wow show. Yes. And there was no, that was it. It was just, I saw the stage, the spotlight and the mic, and he had set it all up, you know, audio visually style.

And it was there was not one can do that. It's you by the way you you were the person who could go in and knock that out. I mean, I don't know what I did. I think I was like I was doing like Judy Garland like vaudeville numbers and I was like saying all the lines from random hearts, you know, Chris and Scott Thomas and Harrison Ford and yeah, I don't remember. Did he call you by your character name? Wow platinum the entire time. Yes, he still does.

Was that confusing? Like, when he went, wow, were you like, are you calling my name? Or did I have a good take? No. I think, you know, it was helpful for us. We really were on the same page, him and I. I felt--

like, you know, he got, he totally, no, it didn't feel weird at all. And it still doesn't when he calls me wow. I just immediately, you know, slip back in and do that. And then I slip back out. Just start spreading conspiracy theory. It's just like that Megyn Kelly out there. I'd love to, yeah. Yeah. You're not just starring in a Coppola film. You also have a Marvel show coming out. Yes, Agatha. Agatha all along. Yep. You also,

Sundance darling called my old ass. Yes, my old us talk to us about my old ass the movie not my old ass. Or do I don't go on.

No, the movie. Okay. Mild Ass. Yes. It is in theaters now. And it's a very funny title for a movie that is so heartwarming and like, oh my God, I cry every time I see it. And it's about a girl called Elliot who's the summer before she leaves home for college, she does a mushroom trip with her friends and she meets...

her old ass, her 39-year-old self, played by me, her old ass, as she calls me, during the mushroom trip. And then it's kind of this amazing movie about your 39-year-old self

talking to your younger self and going like don't do this and do this and and it's just awesome. It's really good Maisie so is incredible and Megan Park the director the writer director she like knocked it out of the out of the park. No, she was as she was born to do so as she was such a sweet movie. It's so funny and it's so heartwarming and you're wonderful and thank you and it does sort of beg the question like if you could go back in time and give yourself.

advice and make a different choice, would you do that? Do you feel like you would go back in time and change anything? You know, there's things I would say to myself that I can't, you know, that I'd say not to do that, you know, I can't say, you know, on television. No, go on. Go on. This is a safe space. Like, maybe not go back in time and tear your ACL. On January 7th, you know, 1999, I

They got you to say January 6th. I was going to say, this could be incriminating. I know. January 7th. Why did I? Okay. I don't know why I picked that. Are you the kind of person that's just like, no, everything happens for a reason. It led me to where I am now. I think I am. Yeah. I think I am. I think I'm that person. Because I did a whole press junket with Maisie, and we got asked this question all day. And it was giving me, like, an existential crisis by, like, hour four. Because I was like, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.

what I would say to my older self. And people are like, what would you say? That's the question you would ask. But I was like, I don't know. And I thought, you know what I really want is I want my old ass, like from me now is my ass, and then my older ass, I want like 75-year-old me to appear to me right now.

75-year-old you. Yes. Now. Now. Do you think about what your 75-year-old self would tell you right now in this moment? I try to imagine it because when I'm, like, thinking about, I don't know, anything. I just feel like, I don't know. I just feel like I'm going to be...

that age and and like I already don't kind of like care or something but I feel like at 75 I'm really not going to get that's going to be really good should we know what I mean should we take mushrooms right now. I'll take more but yeah. I wish comedy central can pay

Oh, I understand. No, no. Sashir, your co-star in Agatha all along, was here last week, and she was asked, it's a very witchy show, she plays a witch, you play a witch. She was asked, who would you choose in your dream coven? So I'm curious, if you could come up with a dream coven of witches, who would you choose? Okay. Kamala Harris. Oh. Um...

And Judy Davis, who, thank you. One person. Judy Davis, I would say Mia Farrow, Patti LuPone, Faye Dunaway. Just all the, you know what I mean? All the greats. And then Nicolas Cage, just to like round it out.

I would love to join your coven, by the way. Oh, and you does. Thank you. You're welcome. It's fine. It's OK. Let me talk to Judy. And do you want to go back in time and change your answer just to throw throw me in the mix? You have drugs that I can take first. Yes, we'll get to that. Absolutely. Thank you so much for being on. Congratulations. How does that man do it?

You know, we lead our lives, right? To and from work, we got stress. This guy, what he does, the energy. He is relentless. I think that is the perfect word. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount+. ♪♪♪

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Welcome to the Cooper residence. Cooper McAllister. I'm surprised you put my name first. Come on in. From the brains behind the Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon, CBS is excited to welcome back some beloved, familiar folks. I am so glad that you and Cece are here. And Georgie. Atta girl. It's a whole new chapter. Georgie and Mandy's first marriage premieres CBS Thursday, 8, 7 central and streaming on Paramount+.

Hey there, fellow globetrotters and destination dreamers. If you're anything like us, you know that life's too short for boring toasters and towels. That's why we decided to ditch the traditional wedding registry and went with HoneyFund.com. Imagine your friends and family chipping in to send you on a dreamy exotic honeymoon. Practical? Check. Meaningful?

Join the revolution at HoneyFund.com and start your adventure today.

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