TDS Time Machine | Surviving Thanksgiving and Black Friday
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Your time, not just to go back to school, but to come back and move forward with Purdue Global, Purdue's online university for working adults. Start your comeback at purdueglobal.edu. Hey everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about?

on these earnings calls. We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts. ♪

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and that means getting together with family members who you might not see eye to eye with. But this Thanksgiving, Leslie Jones will come to your house and politely interject when the conversation becomes political. I'm just thankful that Roe v. Wade was finally overturned. That's the conversation you want to start right now at this table while everybody's happy during Thanksgiving. While we're trying to be happy. You know what? Have some dry-ass turkey. And shut the f*** up.

It's insane. The way I see it is your generation are all a bunch of lazy socialists. Who is you calling lazy? You can't even bring proper pie to Thanksgiving. And stop kissing the kids in the mouth. That's nasty. They don't like that. Plus, Leslie can help prevent annoying conversations before they even begin. Try that mega shit. Try it.

And I'll tell everybody in this room that you use Nana's Wi-Fi to jack off. And if that doesn't work, Leslie goes back to basics. I'll just say, these transgender people... Ah! I just... Ah! Can I have some of this stuff? I feel... Ah!

- Leslie will even stop by the kids table to teach them how to shout down problematic relatives. - No, no, okay, look, from the diaphragm. You ready? One, two, three. - Talking to your family is hard. Watching Leslie Jones shut them down is easy. - And I think it should be acknowledged that this dinner is taking place on Cherokee land. - Shut up! All this land is Cherokee. If we talking about, can you spell indigenous? You can't even spell it, can you? Shut up!

Don't agree with me. Thank you for your time. Shut up. Who invited me to this? Available for all holidays where family are included.

will Ozempic affect Thanksgiving this year? Well, it definitely comes with its own problems. If everyone in the family is eating less, that means most of the food is going to waste, unless you take it to the homeless shelter. But come on, that's like a 20-minute drive. Okay, but I mean, I guess the family could just make less food. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not go that far, okay? There's actually a much better solution.

It's a new drug that dramatically increases your appetite during the 24 hours of Thanksgiving. You inject Ozempic into your thigh. You inject Glutinol into your neck. And boom, you're deep-throating Aunt Karen's fingerlings all night long. Yeah.

- Uh, okay, but isn't that gonna up your metabolism? - Oh yeah, big time. If only there was a drug that could fix that. Well, guess what? It's called Compoxo. You pop a couple of these pills up your butt and your metabolism is evened out for the day. - Okay, okay, hold on, hold on, Kosta. You're putting these drugs up your butt at Thanksgiving table? Won't that weird out your family?

Oh, it will. Which is why you'll have to drug your family. Introducing Happy Nero. It sends everyone's oxytocin levels through the roof. Just slip a tablespoon of this in the gravy boat and let the hugging begin. Okay, wait, isn't oxytocin the hormone that makes people horny? Yes, yeah, a family orgy is a possible side effect.

Which is why you need Demerolin. Just put a few drops in your eyes and voila, you're as flaccid and dry as grandma's brisket. Now,

You do have to take it at the same time as the butt pills, otherwise you'll die. Okay, okay. Costa, stop, okay? This is dumb. Instead of people taking all these drugs, why can't they just not eat as much? Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry that some of us need a little help to eat less and then eat more and then talk to our family without having sex with them. Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry, okay? I guess I just wish there was a way people could enjoy life without putting drugs in their veins and up their butts. Well, there is, Ronnie. Introducing cocaine. Cocaine is one of the... Enough, enough. Michael Kosta, everyone. Thank you.

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Happy riding. Hey, everybody. Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show. It's going to be coming out

Every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGIT. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election, economics, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches.

And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back.

As you know, Thanksgiving is a time, a blessed time of year. We all give thanks for our families and our health and prepare to beat the shit out of people to go shopping. Jessica Williams has more. Black Friday is just around the corner and it seems like everyone on television has tips for shoppers. Deals are in the back. Prioritize by price. Don't buy toys. Don't turn right. And most importantly, don't be black.

- Two black shoppers in just one week are accusing the department store of wrongful detainment. - He was racially profiled in Macy's, Herald Square. - She used her tax rebate money to buy this bag at Barney's and was then stopped by the cops. - It is hard to take advantage of all the Black Friday steals when you're being accused of stealing. - When I left the store three blocks away from the store, four undercover cops told me that they would like to see what I've purchased. - And what did your white friend say?

- My white friend. - Everybody knows you're supposed to bring your white friend with you when you go shopping at a place like that. - I should have, next time I know, to bring my white friend.

Oh, so the problem isn't racial profiling in stores. It's that black people have forgotten how to shop. When they finally came up to me, I thought they were going to help me and they didn't. They actually asked me to leave. Just because you look like a Gap model doesn't mean you won't get profiled. I went into a store and asked a sales girl if I could see some jeans and she said there

They're so expensive. I felt like I was pretty womaned. You thought because you're very well put together that you could just go in and shop anywhere you want without getting racially profiled. You do know you're black, right? I know. Uh-oh, watch out. Cops. Cops.

Clearly it's time to give black Americans my own Black Friday shopping tips. Let's start simple. When entering a store, alert everyone to your presence. Hey everybody, my name is Jessica Williams and I intend to buy a pack of gum. Reaching into my pocket right now to pull out money, not a gun. Permission to approach.

But upscale stores are the trickiest. To be sure that you don't get arrested, try making friends with security. I baked some cookies. Can I go shop now? Oh no. Or if that doesn't work, ask a white person to shop for you. Do you think that you can buy me that watch on the display? You can totally use my credit card. All you have to do is sign my name and then just bring me that. I'm sorry. I really don't feel comfortable doing that. Excuse me? Excuse me? You look white. Can I ask you a favor?

What? Do you think that if I give you $140 you can buy me those sunglasses in the window right there? Yeah, sure. Thank you.

Hey! Finally, for a more tangible shopping experience, hire a middle-aged white lady as your personal shopper and equip her with a hidden camera inside a neck brace. Now she's ready to go. All right, we're in. Go left. No, your other left. Okay, hat. Let's try on some hats. Oh, my God. Would you look at this? Put that shit back. I'm not feeling it. Where are you, handbags? Let's move on, Peggy. Oh, look.

You found my cat. Oh, Jess, this is just perfect. That's not really my style because my style is not ugly. Good call. Boots. I am digging those knee highs. These would look good in the club. Did you just say the club? Maybe a little makeup. My friend has more of a darker complexion. Like a deep tan. I'm black, Peggy. You can say black.

So that was a bust. But thankfully, when all else fails, there is one other way to avoid getting racially profiled. Cover your skin. Oh, God, a P. Next week is my favorite day of the year, Black Friday. Trample a guy on a Tuesday afternoon, you get charged with assault. But do it at a Walmart on Black Friday, you get a PS4.

But this year, something about Black Friday is twisting everyone's panties. Black Friday itself is turning into an entire season. Do I hope Black Friday ends? Absolutely. I can't stand that day. The event is becoming so long. Starting Black Friday on Thanksgiving should be illegal. Black Wednesday. Gray Thursday. Small business Saturday. Cyber Monday is the worst thing I've ever heard. We might as well call it Black November.

What the hell are you complaining about? Oh, no! Now blenders are on sale for a whole month! God, why have thou forsaken us? Nobody's forcing you to buy anything. You can shop. You cannot shop. You can do what we Jews do and wait until the day after Christmas, when they're practically giving away.

But there is one group of people who should be complaining. What about the workers at these stores? Yeah, when exactly do they get to celebrate Thanksgiving with their families? Workers are upset. Forced to work. They keep saying that they care about their associates. That's not the case. The daughter of a Kmart employee asking Kmart to change his Thanksgiving hours so her mom can spend the day at home with her family. I think we should all have the ability to say, I don't want to work Thanksgiving.

Well, personally, I'd much rather spend Thanksgiving at Kmart. Helping a fat guy shove his way into a pair of Crocs beats listening to my nephew explain again how he's allergic to beets. No, you're not, Matthew. You just don't like them. Nobody does. But you're gonna eat them!

But if this lady wants to spend Thanksgiving with her family, who can blame her? Turns out, everybody. They should be happy that they have a job to work at. What's wrong with a little capitalism? Everybody wants to open up on Thanksgiving. Let them open up on Thanksgiving. Richard writes to us. He says, you got to be kidding me, lady. Just go to work. You can celebrate by eating a turkey sandwich while on break.

Sure, Thanksgiving is just as good eating a cold sandwich alone in the back of a Kmart. You don't even need cranberry sauce. You can season it with your tears. But this year, it's not just employees getting screwed into working on Thanksgiving. It's the stores, too. - Stores at the Walden Galleria have a tough choice this year: open on Thanksgiving or possibly pay a lot of money in fines and penalties.

You're taxing stores for observing Thanksgiving? That's the most anti-American thing I've ever heard. It's like Sharia law for capitalism. Why don't you just kick George Washington in the nuts?

But if no one cares when stores force employees to work on Thanksgiving, who's gonna shed a tear when malls force stores to stay open? A mall in upstate New York is strong-arming its retailers into opening on Thanksgiving. So much for the holiday spirit. So, let me get this straight. You can't make a store open on Thanksgiving. It's just a poor, helpless corporation. But people? Punch in and shut the f*** up.

You can see your family in January! Get back! This one's mine. You all ready to die for this flat screen? Cause I am. Hello my shopaholics, maximistas, mall rats, coupon clippers, bargain bitches, capitalism warriors, and sales sluts. It's the holidays, and that means one thing. Family. No, I'm kidding! That means shopping. Family. What the f***?

Like many of you, I too will be going out on Black Friday, one of America's most treasured excuses to buy shit. And Black Friday seems like something that's been around forever. I mean, I can't remember a time when Black Friday didn't exist. Then again, my memory is a little fuzzy from all the head trauma from previous Black Fridays.

The history of Black Friday is actually quite interesting. It started in the 1920s when retail stores wanted to set a clear beginning to the Christmas shopping season. So department stores like Macy's created grand parades to signal to Americans it's time to start spending cash.

Although back then, parade balloons weren't as cute as the ones today. You know, classics like Puff the Meth Fuel Dragon, Whimsical Drifter Murderer, and Thick Daddy Superman. You think they were hoping to scare people to run inside the stores? I don't know. The point is, retailers depended on a big Christmas shopping season and were willing to do whatever it took to make it as long as possible.

In fact, during the Great Depression, they even lobbied President Franklin Roosevelt to move Thanksgiving a week earlier to allow for more Christmas shopping.

And after his cousin finished giving him a handjob, FDR agreed. Eventually they moved Thanksgiving back, but the retailers got what they wanted because over the next few decades, more and more people began their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. But the first time the day was called Black Friday was in the 1960s. It was actually coined by the Philadelphia Police Department because the day brought tons of traffic and chaos.

And for shopping to cause chaos in Philadelphia, it has to really be chaos. I once set fire to a mannequin at a Zara in Philadelphia and they didn't even kick me out of the store. They just threw it in the burnt mannequin pile. Sorry. It was in the 1980s that Black Friday finally went nationwide, and it was all thanks to America's obsession with the adorable little vegetable-human-monster hybrids known as the Cabbage Patch Kids.

I got this one for $3,000 and I had to get punched by a lot of grandmas to get it, but it was worth it. The toys were in such high demand that it caused literal riots across America. People fought their neighbors tooth and nail to pay for some lettuce-shaped plastic. But all the violence was worth it for that precious Christmas morning when their kids would open the box, see the Cabbage Patch Kid, and then play with the box.

The Cabbage Patch Kids set the standard for all sorts of Black Friday crazes throughout the 90s, from Furbies to Beanie Babies to Tickle Me Elmos to countless other toys bought by newly divorced dads trying to buy their way into their kids' hearts.

By 2002, nearly three-quarters of all shoppers were in stores over Black Friday weekend. It was paradise for people looking for deals and robbers looking for unguarded homes. Black Friday was so successful that stores started pushing the start time back from Friday morning to Friday at midnight and then

all the way back to Thanksgiving night itself. They called the new holiday Gray Thursday as a tribute to the moral gray area of abandoning your family on Thanksgiving to choke out a stranger for an Instapot. Oh, it's ready. And throughout this time, Black Friday doorbuster sales became more dangerous as consumers turned every big box store into a big octagon arena.

It got so bad that in 2011, you were statistically more likely to be injured in a Black Friday sale than from a shark attack. Unless that shark is also at the Black Friday sale, and then it depends on whoever wants that blender more. Got it! Yes! But sadly, the good times and horrific injuries couldn't last forever. With the dawn of online shopping, Black Friday became less relevant than the newer, shinier, two-day premiere holiday that took its place.

Along came Cyber Monday, an easier way to score deals while avoiding the mobs at in-person stores. It's just another way technology has pulled us further apart. I mean, sure, it's more convenient, but think of what we lose when we no longer have that one-on-one air fryer to skull contact.

Sad. Also in recent years, retail employees have begun pushing back on so-called "holiday creep," which is a term for stores expanding their holiday shopping periods into Thanksgiving, not what happens when your weird cousin hits the eggnog too hard and tries to go FDR on your underparts. But even as its golden days are behind it, Black Friday is still an American institution, standing tall beside Thanksgiving and the Super Bowl and the Purge.

And now that you know its history, don't forget to keep it in perspective. Sure, saving money is great, but this season isn't about fighting some stranger at a store. It's about gathering your family and fighting with them. So happy shopping season. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta start practicing for the big day. Hey! Step away from that Dyson! You think I won't pull out this? Well guess what? Tick-tock, motherfucker!

Hey everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts.