TDS Time Machine | Spring Break
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You're listening to Comedy Central. Folks, it's spring break time. I know many of our college-age viewers are watching us right now from the vomit-strewn comfort of a day's inn in Panama City.

But I want to let you know out there, there are dangers lurking in the seemingly innocent world of underage bacchanalia. A new study by the American Medical Association reports 40% of female spring breakers passed out, half got sick, and 13% had sex with more than one partner. But only after a gang of crafty nerds rewired the sign at the Hotel Coral Essex. Nerds! Nerds! Even though you shout nerds, they keep with their tomfoolery.

Even more shocking, 10% of female spring breakers had public or group sex that they later regretted. Which means 90% had public or group sex that in hindsight, they were really glad they did. Me likey the odds.

Psychologist Robin Goodman told CBS The Early Show debauchery is a major issue. Although sex and drugs have been going down in the population of teenagers, for girls it's going up. Girls are really now catching up to boys in some of these bad behaviors. And fun, unfortunately, is morphing into dangerous at times. How dangerous a problem is it? Well, to put it in perspective, this is the story that it came right in front of. Denny Lesko and Robin Goodman, thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate it.

Up next, we're going to talk about fat pets. That's pretty dangerous. College girls gone bad. Overweight cucka-spaniel. Switching gears to travel. You know, at this time of year, many young people have a particular tourist destination on their minds. Tonight, Dan Bacodal heads south to join in the fun. It's spring in Florida, and that means one thing. Spring break is a great marketing opportunity for corporate America. Woo!

Woo! Market! Spring break! Yes, it's the time of year when marketers from every corner of the country head to the beach to let their hair down and take in the natural beauty of the 18 to 24-year-old demographic. The advantage of marketing at spring break is that you have students who are in a social environment and social atmosphere that aren't running off the class but kind of have time to look at products. Right.

So on college campuses, there's only a 50% chance they're going to be stoned and impressionable. Here, you've got a guarantee. I don't know if you're guaranteed they're all going to be wasted. They're pretty wasted. There certainly is a fair amount of alcohol consumption at spring break. High five! Right on. All That Booze helps the students explore sophisticated new scents, make lifelong commitments to credit cards, and romp around on the National Guard's realistic, inflatable Iraq War simulator.

But surprisingly, some find reason to complain. I find it absolutely despicable that here we are on the beach with college students, 18-year-olds, barely old enough to vote, never had a job, and here are the credit card companies preying upon their naivete, giving them more credit than they can ever afford to pay back. Whatever, nerd. I like to think of myself as a conscientious academic. Nerd.

- We, you know, we don't like-- - Nerd. - But the kids themselves are way into it. 'Sup dudes, what's going on? You just hanging out, consuming some goods and services?

Yeah. Hey dude. Yeah. What do you say we bust out of here and go get some low interest debt refinancing? Uh, nah, I don't want to do that. Come on man, it's spring break! I know, look around you. You want to go out and get debt financing? Yes, man! You should do that man, you're wasting your spring break. Yeah, but I'd rather just get drunk and have fun. Hey, thank you. Dude, dude, I totally got her number. And a pretty good sense of her purchasing power.

Spring Break marketing is a success because people like Mr. Youth know exactly what kids like. We really want to show them that a brand understands them as an individual. Let's pretend I'm a co-ed on Spring Break and you try to market to me. Okay. Hi there, how are you? Enjoying spring break? You're stupid. Why are you wearing that? I don't think you make a very good imitation. Oh, what, do I have to show my d*** to get free stuff? No. Okay.

- Ah, it's my . - I don't think this is making me very comfortable. - This co-ed was sold. I was gonna have the ultimate spring break. First stop, free Roto-V mentholated eye drops. - It's like fire and ice in my eyeballs. - Chug, chug, chug, chug! - Then it was time to wash it all down with some complimentary fruit-flavored Dasani. - Chug, chug, chug, chug!

I've never done that much free water in my life! I soon found myself signing things I'd never sign at home. Mastercard! Spring break! Woohoohoohoo! Yeah! Sadly, my spring break ended like everyone else's. 29.9% APR? What have I done?

The only way to cure this hangover was to get drunk and bang some 18-year-olds. Dan Bacadal, we'll be right back. The world around us. Let's be honest, we've got some of our own problems right here in America.

Every year, thousands of college students pack their bags, they head to the beach and beach destinations for the most coveted week of the year at spring break. We continue to expose what's really going on in spring break in America. Yes! America's oldest hall monitor, Sean Hannity, dedicated not one, not two, but five different shows on the horrors of spring break, including the entire hour on Friday, featuring a panel of outrage experts there to expose this annual event.

you will believe what they found 'cause you know.

You have people having sex on the beach in public. The abundance of the over-drinking. These young ladies who are disgracing themselves by running around acting like that. Women take their tops off. That young girl standing on the box with no bottom on her. These sloppy drunken dudes down there. Guys were literally taking their pants off. Yes, it was high as a kite. A lot of drinking, drugs, risky behavior, sometimes with tragic results.

Shortly after filming that piece, that young woman blew out her left butt cheek. Doctors say she may never twerk again. Perhaps she'll have to file for Twerkman's comp. So, uh, you did a week of shows on this. What wisdom did the panel impart? My daughter, there's no way in hell she's going there. Well, that makes sense. I assume the same goes for your son's.

But with my sons, I hope they have a great time. Men and women are equal but we're different. If I had a college son, I'd say, "Here's a hundred bucks, have fun." Okay, let's just all agree that that is sexist and just move on to the more pressing issue here. A hundred bucks? He's going to spring break, not Dave and Buster's. Look, you're gonna get a call three hours into spring break, "Hey, thanks for the hundred bucks. It got me to Delaware."

Now I'm just sitting here blowing truckers trying to get down to Tampa. I don't know what I'm going to have to do to get home. Tell mom I love you. Now, some of the more skeptical viewers might think this is less of a news story and more of a reason to spend a week running wildly inappropriate TNA footage alongside pundits tisking said footage. But you'd only be 99.9% right. You see, this is also an in-depth cautionary tale.

about what can happen when children aren't properly raised. Where are their parents is what I want to know. Parents today really need to get a grip on what's going on. It's up to the parents to instruct the kids. It's time for parents to start parenting. It really comes down to parents. Where are their parents?

What kind of rotten, neglectful parents would allow their kids to even go on spring break? One time I went to Cancun in college. I went to Acapulco and I went to South Beach. I went to Auburn University in the south and spring break was huge for all of us. I went to Syracuse University. It was a party school. I had a great time. I went on spring break. I went to Panama City in 1992. I was at Sharky's. I may have gotten over served one or two nights. I've been at the floor of Bama. I've been down there. You know all those places. I know all those places. Right?

Right, you do. So what kind of parents let their kids go to spring break? Oh, right. Your parents. So you just don't want kids today doing it. You clearly don't want kids today doing the terrible things you have such fond memories of doing. And I guess if they are going to do it, there is one thing you would like them to know. They're doing it wrong.

What we used to do when we were young, we put a boom hole, hold it up, open it up, and that was calling shotguns. Shoot that cup. This is called... Go ahead. They have to lean back, it opens up their throat, and then the beer just goes down. And that's just water. You gotta bend your knees a little bit, that's the whole trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bend your knees a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, show them how terrible it is.

It's honestly the weirdest week of TV I've ever seen. But perhaps, as always, the best advice on staying safe came from Fox News liberal Robert Beckel. I used a lot of cocaine in my life, and I've got good cocaine and bad cocaine. I'll guarantee you the stuff they're selling down here is bad. So remember, kids, stay in school, get better parents, and don't go to spring break. But if you do...

Bring your cocaine from home. I can't stress this enough. When you go on spring break, bring the cocaine you use at home, the cocaine you trust. And that's the more you do blow.

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Let's kick things off with spring break, the one week a year when college students drink and party. This is now the second year that spring break has fallen during coronavirus, but things are a little different now. At this time last year, many people hadn't started taking the pandemic seriously yet, but this year, they've stopped taking the pandemic seriously too soon. Spring break state of emergency.

Overnight, more chaos on Miami Beach. A wild weekend of mostly maskless people packing the streets. Police shooting pepper balls to disperse the crowd, setting off a stampede. More than a thousand people arrested there since the start of spring break. Maskless crowds

descended into the entertainment district over the weekend, dancing on cars, drinking in the streets, defying an 8 p.m. curfew issued Saturday. Tourists have been packing this popular spring break destination since February, back when Florida's Governor Ron DeSantis declared the state a, quote, oasis of freedom from coronavirus restrictions. Governor Ron DeSantis made it to Tuesday, no mask. It's open.

We can come and have some fun. One guy dressed as the Joker climbed on top of a car with an American flag, tossed dollar bills, and declared COVID's over. COVID's over, man. COVID's over, baby.

Oh, wow. The new Snyder Cut is weird as hell. But let's be clear here. COVID is not over, all right? Some random dude can't declare the end of the pandemic by dressing up like the Joker and making it rain. It's not a thing. Only Dr. Fauci can declare the end of the pandemic by dressing up like the Joker and making it rain.

And look, you can't totally blame the masqueras partying on college students. I mean, this is what's gonna happen after Florida's governor called the state a, quote, "freedom oasis." Like, if I put a Starbucks sign above my apartment door, I can't be mad when people show up and try to take a shit in my bathroom. But still,

There's no reason that you can't celebrate spring break and wear a mask. It can even be part of the fun. I mean, just think about how sexy a wet mask contest could be, hmm? I mean, we haven't seen mouths in a year. What's under there? Mm-mm. And if we've learned anything from Miami, this is just a preview of how much everyone is gonna let loose once the pandemic is truly over.

People have been locked up for too long. Once it ends, everyone's gonna be drinking and partying, hooking up with everyone. There's gonna be so much that's gonna create the next worldwide virus. Yeah. Guys are gonna be waking up in bed next to a bat like, "Uh-oh. I think I did it again." ...out spring break, the most exciting week of the year for college students and gonorrhea.

Gunnery, not that bad. Of course, one of the hottest spring break destinations is Florida, where the beaches are as bountiful as the meth dealers. But in recent years, the fun has been getting dangerously out of hand, and one Florida city has had enough.

Miami Beach is breaking up with Spring Break. Shutting down Spring Break in Miami. This year, city officials told those Spring Breakers to go somewhere else. Restrictions including the closing of the beach at 6 p.m. and liquor stores at 8. To drive the message home, a public service announcement that's gone viral. Miami Beach telling rowdy Spring Breakers, it's not us, it's you. Maybe we can talk when you're done with your Spring Break phase.

Miami is shutting down spring break? Where else will college students be able to get alcohol poisoning and have terrible sex with each other? And who is Miami to get upset with spring break? One in three people there is a DJ. Are they like, keep it down, I'm trying to be super loud over here?

Now, because of the crackdown, many students have decided to go to Fort Lauderdale instead of Miami. But that's not a good idea either, because one, it's Fort Lauderdale, and two, the cops there are hassling spring breakers in a way that might even be worse. Spring break descending on Fort Lauderdale, Florida, with huge crowds flocking there after Miami put in strict curfews and restrictions. But Fort Lauderdale police are turning the festivities into a possible job offer.

We're out here just spreading the message that we're recruiting right now actively for police officers. Sing along trivia games to Fort Lauderdale police having fun with spring breakers. Are you guys ready? Yeah! Alright, you got your thinking caps on? You ready to go?

Obviously, they don't have their thinking caps on. Then they'd get a thinking cap tan line, but... I'm sorry, do you know how bad your spring break has to be to want to become a cop afterwards? Usually when college students get blackout drunk, they wake up with a penis sharpied on their face. These kids are waking up like, why do I have a police badge, s***?

Do you even try to convince Spring Breakers to become cops? Are you just like walking down the beach? You guys are in good shape. Would you be willing to get out of shape? Hey, I see you're blowing all your parents' money. How'd you like to blow an entire city's money? So you're not solving a murder at the moment. Would you like to get paid to not solve a murder? I notice you've been sitting doing nothing for six straight hours. You want to keep doing that, but with a gun?

Crushed a lot of beer today. Want to keep doing that, but with a gun? Of course, if you don't want to go to Florida, there are literally hundreds of other fun places. There's one other fun place for you to go on spring break, and that's New Orleans. And to prove the Big Easy still knows how to party, here's Fox News with a major scoop.

I had the opportunity to talk to one lady yesterday, a young lady. She's a senior at Texas Tech. And she told me when I asked her what does she do to prep for spring break, she says she applies her bronzer and then she does cocaine. And that really goes to the heart of this. That's some story. She applies the bronzer before she does the line of coke. She wants to look good before she gets high. I've never heard it before. Right? That's crazy. And she admitted that.

Oh, stop. I mean, this isn't the first time Fox has talked to someone who's abusing bronzer and cocaine. They've been covering the Trumps for nine years. Take it. At least she's doing it in the right order. I mean, this one time I snorted bronzer and applied cocaine and it totally ruined my grandmother's funeral. But the point is...

Spring break can be risky. People are abusing drugs. They're getting in the trouble. They're considering careers in law enforcement. It's frightening stuff. And that's why, for the sake of yourself and for your future kids, drop out of college. It's the only way you can avoid spring break altogether.

Great advice, Michael.

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