TDS Time Machine | Jon Stewart Interviews Comedy Legends
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How crispy are the new Deli-Mex crispy quesadillas? Let's see. I'm gonna pop one in the microwave. Yeah, Deli-Mex crispy quesadillas are crispy even from a microwave. I can already smell it. Heads up, if you hate loud crunching, you might want to mute. Mmm, so crispy. Like, barely hear myself think crispy. These should come with a warning. Mmm. Mmm.

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Do you really ride your bike around the city? -Oh, it's wonderful. Yeah, the way-- -You're a madman. Oh, it's wonderful. It's the greatest way to get around. All of a sudden, people think, "No, that couldn't be Mork. No." Have you seen the new-- they have the new, uh, bikes... -That you can rent? -The city bikes you can rent, but it's people, like, from Belgium that don't know the city, and they don't have helmets, and they're just like... Yeah, they're like, "Okay, we're going to going out now. Here we go." And New Yorkers are going, "Get the off that bike." But I'm amazed

that no one has been hurt. - They're doing wonderfully. There really is this thing that works itself out. All of a sudden you see them and it's like, all of a sudden even angels are flying behind them going, "Please be careful." But it's very sweet. You're right, it is basically Europeans going, "How do I get downtown?" "Follow the numbers. The numbers get lower, okay."

-It's such a peculiar thing. -And then, where are you at the next stop? "Where are you? Brooklyn. Welcome." But you're right, no helmets. There should be a little hand that says, "Some sort of safety device." -Bubble wrap or something, man. -Yeah, just like... A small... Just a little, like, maybe a condom. Something fun. But don't you think, for New Yorkers, they're just thinking, like, it's so hard every day not to just go like,

You know what I mean? Like... Well, I ride my bike in L.A., and that's where it really gets kind of crazy. Oh, really? I'll be riding... The weird thing is, I've been living in L.A. now because of the show. Yeah. I don't do very well in L.A. I got stopped by a cop once in L.A., and he gave me a script instead of a ticket. Hmm.

He was like, he went, here, Mr. Williams, how are you? And if you don't like this, please give it to Eddie Murphy. But riding a bike in L.A. is truly kind of dangerous because you'll be in, and all of a sudden, they really do. Because everyone's like, you know, they're all talking, they're texting and everything. And you just have to be like...

But you're for real, though. You don't... You take this very seriously. You've done bike treks. Like, you've done, you know, two weeks going across, like, continents and stuff. No, no, no, I'm not that serious. Oh, really? I thought... Didn't you train with, like, the guy who won the Tour de France, Greg LeMond or something like that, and, like, rode with him for a little bit? Yeah, I rode with him one time, and I used to ride with Lance in the old days. Oh, really? Used to ride behind the uniballer.

Did you really? You rode with Lance Orson? I rode with him, yeah, once or twice. But he's like, he's so good. He'd be on the phone. He'd be doing all this stuff. He's hands-free. I'm like, you bastard. Right. But he tears it up. Now, what is this? You're back doing a series. Yes, sir. In L.A. In L.A. Why? It's a job, brother. Oh!

It's a job, but it was also David E. Kelly. I had a meeting with him. Oh, well, that guy is unbelievable. He's a tremendous writer. Sweet guy, sweet good man, and a wonderful guy to work with. And he's a tough laugh, though. Yeah. He doesn't laugh as much. You do something really funny, and this is all you're getting. You're like, huh. Nothing. Yeah, it's like, you know, it'd be like, ah. That's like a standing ovation for him.

But he's a great writer, and I thought, "Okay, I'll take a shot with you." -Right. -And I got to go, you know? Now, is it hard for you-- with a guy like that, I think that's probably hard, because you and I are-- Well, when I did Mark and Mindy years ago, it was like-- Go back 32 years ago when I did Mark and Mindy. That was 32 years ago? There was tape back then. There were only three networks, and the only thing that was wired was me. I was on everything but skates, but it was crazy.

I know, I know. I know. I've read the story. Yes, I went to rehab in wine country just to keep my options open. How does it feel now? Do you feel like this... the sobriety and the learning that you've done, is it a new lease on life? Do you feel like the same person? Yeah, like, what is it... Does the brain... Were you worried? I remember when I quit doing drugs and smoking. You remember that now. Yes, I do. But I remember being very fearful...

that I would lose my ability to work, to be funny, or to write, that I thought that they were somehow connected. Well, I think that's... Well, I think there's a... there's a, like, a... there's a higher power. There's also a lower power. Yeah. There's a lower power that goes, text that girl with... and show her pictures of your junk. It's okay. Yeah.

She's not going to share that with anybody. And the same lower power goes, you know, you need this. Come on now. I relapsed. I was up in Alaska and all of a sudden I hadn't been sober for 20 years and all of a sudden I walked into a store and saw a little bottle of Jack Daniels and went, ah, that'll be fine. That'll be okay. The moment I had the first sip, it was like, all of a sudden it was like, welcome back, ass.

A week later, I was walking down the street with like 10 little bottles of Jack Daniels in my pockets. I sounded like a wind chime. And I got down so quick. I went right to blackouts. And it's a misnomer. They call it blackouts. It's not. It's like sleepwalking with activities. That's your brain going, we're going to do this. You're not going to know. You wake up in a small field going, where am I? Eh.

It's just crazy stuff. But I think that's the illusion. And I think it's like you come through it and you realize, yes, you can create better. You can get back. And the main operative word is fear. And like you said, the fear is there and you try and overcome it with that. But if you can deal with the fear and then realize some of it's real, some of it isn't, and then come through that...

-You get deeper, boss. You get deep, deep, deep. -And the lifestyle is so conducive to that type-- because we are generally bored individuals, and we're working 40 minutes a night in Winnipeg for two straight weeks. -Oh, is it? -And there's-- No. That is-- -Don't make them angry. They're Canadians. -Let me just say this. Let me just-- let me just say this. -Canada. You're the nicest country in the world. You're like-- you're like a sweet apartment over a meth lab. It's really nice.

But it is that idea of like, and so during the day, you don't have anything to do with yourself, and you think like, I bet I could make a crack pipe. You know what I mean? It's like, hey, why don't we have a project? That's like, when does your lower voice have activities? He's got hobbies. I'm making a crack pipe! You send it to camp, and then see what happens. What did you do? What?

How you doing, Kyle? I'm doing good. I miss you. I was telling you this backstage. One of the few comics, when I don't hear your comedic voice for all, I miss it. It's so funny, and I'm so glad to see you coming back to TV. Hey, listen, man. I like all your politics. Thank you, Norm. I appreciate that. Now, you're Canadian. Your government has collapsed. It's completely collapsed. It has? It's completely collapsed. Well, the good thing is it doesn't matter at all. Um...

This is why. You know, because you're such a political guy, and I realized when I came here, because I was never political, and it's because you're from America and I'm from Canada, and in America, you have a duty to be political, because you vote for the wrong guy, he blows up the... Now, in Canada...

Here's our elections in Canada go. Hey, listen, how does that guy stand on the bridge building? That's every time one guy one goes. I think we should build the bridge the other guys. I don't care for the bridge so It's all bridge based. We got no they don't they didn't never gave us no red phone. I

You know, you're president. I thought you were political. No, I didn't realize you had a red phone. You don't realize the president has a red phone? But here's what it's come to be for in America. And you're the most trusted man in America? No, I'm not trusted. It seems like now, no matter who we vote for, no matter which guy we get, we still blow the s*** out of the world. So, at a certain point, maybe we just like blowing stuff up. Americans...

Well, listen, if I was president, man, I'd get on that red phone right away and blow something up. What would you blow up first? What would I blow up? Yeah. That stupid high school I went to for... Empty building, of course. But listen, man, I'll tell you this, though. With the streets of Libya running with blood... Okay, I'll buy your premise. Yeah.

Listen, the Egyptians are so brave, you know, and the guys in Tripoli trying to take over and Bahrain. Here's what I'm trying to get at. I'm from Canada. We got a queen. She lives in England. Right? We're so... We can't get...

Seriously, I could get a bunch of buddies of mine. I swear to God, I could get two or three dozen buddies of mine. We could go over to Buckingham Palace takeover. I would totally do that with you. It's an old bag in a castle.

You know what is the most difficult part of that? Finding which room she's in. Do you have any idea? If you go attack her, there's like 130 rooms. We'd probably lose interest. Oh, I see what you mean, yeah. But you know, Gaddafi is surrounded by, what is he surrounded by? Bahrain. Bahrain.

-Is that not how you pronounce it? -I'm guessing he's surrounded by, like, dancing girls. He's crazy. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -You know, he's a nutbag. No, he likes the ladies. That's what I heard. Did you know he had the, uh... he has a Ukrainian nurse who apparently is... Well, follows her everywhere. Yeah, pretends he's a nurse, but I've heard that, uh, maybe there's a little hanky-panky going, "Listen, I don't want a bad-mouthed Qaddafi."

I want to talk about Watson the Computer. Oh, let's talk about that. I'm happy to talk about that. You know that character? I love that guy. He was on Jeopardy! Crushed. He was on Jeopardy! and he crushed. You guys know Watson the Computer? Sure. Terrific. Yeah. So, uh, and, uh, I watched it. It was cool. And, uh, the funny thing was, like, they were like, I wonder if, uh, who's gonna win? Watson the Computer? Or, uh, that guy that works down at the hat store. And, uh,

First of all, I don't think you should be called Watson because it wasn't Watson the guy who didn't know. Sherlock Holmes. He was the helper. It should be Sherlock. Yeah, Watson was like, hey, what about this? And then he'd go, elementary, my idiot friend. So he should have been called Sherlock. But anyways, you know. It was a good aside. So Watson naturally beat. He's a computer. Crushed him.

killed them, you know? And even his stories were better, you know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? Like, when Alex Trebek would say the story, I'd go, Watson, I understand you have a story about jail, you know? And then Watson was like, yes, one time Oscar Wilde was in prison and George Bernard Shaw came to him and said, why, Oscar, what are you doing in there? To which Oscar Wilde quickly retorted, why, George Bernard, what are you doing out there?

You know? And the guy next to him was like, God damn, I was going to tell my f***ing story about the hat. I gave the guy the wrong hat that time. When does this show come on? When does this show come on the air? Richard Lewis was the host of Young Comics special. Right, it was 24 years ago. And you looked like me back then. You were 10 and I was about 21. You know why I keep having you back on the show? To find out what I'm going to look like.

I keep bringing you up. I brought you up right now to go, "All right, I'll be fine." Better than that. I went-- I-I was-- I could have gone to Woodstock, but it was drizzling and I stayed home, okay? But I went to a lot of stuff when I was 16 and 17. Now, if I had anybody in that mug, he could have been my son, and it would have been unbelievable.

-I love... And you know what I... -Can I tell you something? Sure, whatever. It's your show. That was nicer than anything my real father ever said to me. Here's the nicest thing my real father ever said to me. "Uh, you're like something that happened when I something in the mud." No, but you would have been my son, and I would have been proud of you, but I would have asked you for one thing.

-Money! -What? Do you remember the first thing-- -I met you at Caroline's. -Yeah. I opened for you at Caroline's when it was still at the seaport. Back in, like, the early '80s. Back in, uh, middle-late '80s. Yeah, all right. Do you remember the first thing you ever said to me? -First line. I will never forget it. -Yeah. You could have been my son if I someone in the mud. No! The first thing Richard Lewis ever said to me in my life-- and I was a huge fan and remain a huge fan-- -Thank you. -was, "I have terrible diarrhea."

-I said that? -It was the first line you ever said to me. -"I have terrible diarrhea." -I'm sorry. It's all right. I was coming back, back at Caroline's. Remember, there was no green room. I was gonna put my coat back, and I had my coat right up on the hook, and all of a sudden, I hear from the corner, "I have terrible diarrhea."

Now, let me just jump this up a bit. About nine months ago, I did The Fallon Show. -Yes. Yes. -But two nights before... -Two nights, yes. -He's tri... I know. And I-I had food poisoning. So my wife was with me, my publicist... You can't go on, because no matter what I've done in my career, if I would have taken a dump, it would have been Wikipedia. " on The Fallon Show."

I'm gonna do you a favor. -No, I gotta finish... -No, let me do you a favor. I can't finish the story. I got 25 seconds. You can finish it when I'm done with the favor. -You know, I could have had you as a son -Watch. -if I somebody or would stop. -Settle down. Wikipedia. Take care of that for him. -They're gonna write it down for you. -No, let me just dig. -Keep going. -I'll do it fast, 'cause I don't... -I hate leaving. -Do it. -Because in the middle of a sentence, you go, "Rid of anybody!" -No! -And I could get a stroke. -You can say. -I could get a stroke. I'm in my 60s. Now, listen what happened.

-Are you in your 60s? -I'm in my 60s. Please, just be... -You look terrible. -Huh? -60s? I shaved for you. I even... I dressed up. When you came out, I swear to God, I thought the Bible has come alive. I had no idea... 60s? And why do they always put the Bible in the hotel room? I want a Jewish delicatessen takeout order on the other side.

I mean, I kid the Mormons, but I, you know, I don't care about the Salt Lake. I want a pastrami sandwich. So, anyway, so I had a stomach... You know when you have that, you're on the toilet for 28 hours, and I had a... What had you eaten? What had you eaten? It was food poisoning. And I had a recovery...

-No, but that's what it is. -I know, but specifically... So my wife says, "You can't go on 'Fallon.'" And my publicist says, "We got to... I'm not canceling. I don't... Show must go on." So she went, and I said, "Do me a favor. Get me 'Depends' so in case it happens, no one will know." I mean, Fallon could have been like a porcupine. He could have done that.

But I didn't do anything. But you got me, like, this Calvin Klein... They come out with Calvin Klein. Can I stand up? The camp... -I'd like that. -So, I... They... You put the Calvin Klein in, and it sucks your stomach in like a girdle. So I look like a million dollars. So they said, "Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Lewis." "Hey, how are you? How's everything going?" You know, and I... So I told my wife... So, when I did the show, it went well. And then I went out and snuck out and bought 12 pair

So the whole trip in New York, my wife's friends, he looks great for 60. I'll tell you something. Let me... Oh, I know. How many... Yeah, a minute and a half. No, but that is... What? In terms of a billboard in Times Square for Calvin Klein. Richard Lewis... I-I love... In his depends.

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