TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
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How crispy are the new Deli-Mex crispy quesadillas? Let's see. I'm gonna pop one in the microwave. Yeah, Deli-Mex crispy quesadillas are crispy even from a microwave. I can already smell it. Heads up, if you hate loud crunching, you might want to mute. Mmm, so crispy. Like, barely hear myself think crispy. These should come with a warning. Mmm. Mmm.

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State Farm and DJ Dramos from Life as a Gringo. No making smarter financial moves today secures a financial freedom for a successful tomorrow. Now we have a level of privilege that our parents never had. So what do we do with it, right? How do we utilize the opportunities that we have that they don't, right? And a lot of that is educating ourselves, educating ourselves on how to not make the same mistakes they did. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. State Farm, proud sponsor of My Cultura Podcast Network.

Our next health story should be of particular interest to our teen viewers who suffer from crippling glaucoma. For centuries, marijuana has been used as a self-prescribed remedy for the terminal disease known as being alive.

But last week, the Supreme Court heard arguments as to whether state initiatives permitting the drug to be used medicinally violate federal law. It's a case that figures to settle once and for all the legality of medical marijuana and thereby affect the lives of no fewer than .0001% of American marijuana smokers. The federal government maintains, however, that marijuana or, as it's known on the street, funny pot cigarettes...

Is illegal, period. And has severely criticized prescribing the drug to those freewheeling, long-haired, hippie AIDS and cancer patients just trying to score a free high off Uncle Sam. Those people are sick. Seriously, they're sick and they need help.

Robert McGinnis of the Family Research Council has come out strongly against medical marijuana. I don't deny that, you know, sick people who have been using it for a long time feel better after using this because they get high. And when you get high, you feel better. Robert McGinnis speaking out strongly and poorly against miracle marijuana. Medical marijuana, which is a miracle.

Now, the upcoming Supreme Court debate could even be a hotter-button issue than Americans not sleeping enough. That's why it's the subject of tonight's Even Steven. You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic, should medical marijuana be legalized? Yes. No. Yes! Yes!

The medical marijuana initiatives in California and New Mexico were approved by the voters solely to help seriously ill patients for whom marijuana offers the only relief from pain. Who could deny an 80-year-old woman a moment of respite from her tortured existence? But I suppose there are a few sick individuals out there who get off on other people suffering, Steven.

Far out, Steve. Groovy point, man. You're blowing my mind. Face it. You and your Dr. Dopes are just hiding behind Grandma's oxygen tent. The real reason you're pushing pro-pot legislation is so you can suck on a tie stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe. And now that you've duped a few misguided state legislatures, I'm sure we can all look forward to you coming down with a convenient case of glaucoma real soon.

This marijuana is medicine, Steven. I'm pro-people, not pro-pot. Oh, come on, Steve. You love ganja and the exhilarating rush of freedom and the heightened textural sensations it gives you. Whereas I wouldn't know where to start looking for a dime bag, I'm sure you've got great connections. So let me in on the dirty little secret, Steve. Where do you get your pot? Ha!

Steven, just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend. That's like saying, because I support the repeal of the marriage tax penalty, that I'm into wife swapping. Don't change the subject, Steve. You know exactly where I can get my hands on some really deep chronic, don't you? Let's get back to my wife swapping metaphor. Fine. Let's.

What you're suggesting about my access to sweet Malaysian skunkweed is just as ridiculous as if I said, "Hey, Stephen Colbert, why don't you and your wife come over some night this week and we can exchange partners?" Would that idea appeal to you? I don't know, Steve. Would we be high? I don't know. Would you bring the dope?

Steve, you're not listening to my argument. My argument is that if, for instance, I tried to buy pot, I couldn't get any, but I think you could get me some. You're not listening, Steven. You're in a fantasy world where I smoke pot and could get my hands on some very kind bud. But we would be wife-swapping this Friday.

Have I made myself clear? Clear as crystal, Steve. But let me see if I can just recap your really twisted argument. You're saying that if we were to enter into some bizarre love quadrangle, you'd be supplying the weed. Yes. Okay, that sounds perfect. Great. ♪

John, the last time on Slimming Down with Steve, I chose a personal trainer. But as you know, exercise alone just won't cut it. Today we're going to focus on nutrition. Join me as I visit a top New York City nutritionist. My name is Steve. With me.

Before a nutritionist like Maryam Papo can offer advice, she has to learn about the eating habits of her patient. Just tell me if you've eaten these in the last week. Okay. Cheese? Yes. Fried chicken? Yes. Other fried foods? Yes. Hot dogs? Yes. Salami? Yes. Snack chips? Yes. Bacon? Yes. Sausage? Yes. Sweet roll? What's... Sweet roll? Like a Danish? Yes.

What type of milk do you drink? Buttermilk. What type of oil do you use? WD-40. Usually peanut oil. When you have chicken, is it with the skin or without the skin? Just the skin. What am I doing wrong? It didn't take long for Miriam to observe that I needed more vegetables in my diet. So she offered to make me a healthy meal.

Look how beautifully green these are. Green things. The supermarket was gonna be a lot of fun. This is beef tongue. If you were to eat this, wouldn't your food essentially be tasting you? We did have fun, but now it was off to the kitchen to make pasta primavera, which in Italian means no meat for Steve. That looks good. Yeah.

What makes pasta primavera such a healthy dish? Because it's usually using all fresh vegetables. Bam! Right? Like that chef. Great. Finally, it was time to indulge. Let's dig in. Let's say grace first. ♪ All good gifts around us ♪

♪ Or sent from heaven above ♪ ♪ And thank the Lord ♪ ♪ Oh, thank the Lord for all his love ♪ ♪ I really wanna thank you, Lord ♪ ♪ I wanna thank you, Lord ♪ ♪ Oh, thank you, Lord above ♪ Mm, that's all right. Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen.

First of all, thank you for allowing us to go on this emotional journey with you. My pleasure. Now, how is the new diet going for you? Well, it's been tough, John, because I've had to find ways to incorporate vegetables into my nutritional regime. I think you mean regimen, not regime. John, you do what you need to lose weight. I'll do what I need to do, okay? Now, take a look at this. You'll notice it says all vegetables.

Vegetable. Right. Couple of scoops of this, I get all the vegetables I need. I actually think it's shortening, vegetable shortening, so it doesn't... It serves up just like ice cream. Mmm. Mmm.

It's every reporter's dream to spend a day on the campaign trail with a front-running candidate. And that's exactly the opportunity we were afforded this day in New Hampshire on John McCain's Straight Talk Express. However, Dan Rather and the 60 Minutes crew were already on board, so we had to go on the overflow bus. Great. This is just great.

The Overflow Bus, repository for outcasts, misfits, and journalistic bottom feeders. I bet they've got an omelet bar or something up there. You think Rather's up there talking policy with them? No, they're up there playing pinball, singing karaoke. Rather doesn't have to be on the Overflow Bus. Oh, I'm 60 minutes to two. Be lucky if we even see him today. Don't throw it back. You just ate half of it. Throw it back. You know, we were asked to come. Like, oh, yeah, well, you're that bus. Shut up back there. Stick it up your ass.

The situation was intolerable. Something had to be done. Exactly what am I looking at here? Bus assignments for the 50-some members of the media. Well, let's cut to the chase. Where are we? 47, 48, 49, and 50. What do the circles mean? Circles mean you're on the bus. So as you can see, no circle, no bus. Why are you jerking me around like this? All I want to do is sit on the nice bus. I'm so screwed.

Oh, God. All right, thanks. Covering the story at arm's length was getting me nowhere, and then it hit me. The best way to get to a presidential candidate's bus is through his wife. This is your driver here. This is our driver. He's been with us from the beginning. Now, this is a well-appointed driver. He's wonderful. I'd like you to take a look at the driver we have.

Great, thanks very much, Ron. You see what I mean? Okay, now step aboard. Here we go into our secondary bus. Ooh, take a whiff. Yeah, take a whiff of that. One whiff of the overflow bus and Mrs. McCain was on my side. Stick with me, I'll get you on. Really? Come on, let's go. Really? Right now.

Not only was I finally on the bus, but I was going to get the chance to talk to Senator John McCain. Sir, how are you? You are welcome on our bus at any time. Let's do a lightning round. Okay. Your favorite book. For Whom the Bell Tolls. Favorite movie. Viva Zapata. Charlton Heston. Marlon Brando. Close enough. If I were a tree, I would be a... If I were a tree, I would be a...

What does that mean? Senator, how do you reconcile the fact that you were one of the most vocal critics of pork barrel politics and yet while you were chairman of the Commerce Committee, that committee set a record for unauthorized appropriations? I'm just kidding. I don't even know what that means. Oh, they all laughed at my little question.

but two things were abundantly clear. Okay, all right, okay. We're gone. It was the wrong question to ask, and I was going to be walking. Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen. Steve Carell. Steve, that was an interesting piece. Thank you, Mr. Stewart.

It seemed like you had one shot to really ask a good, solid political question, and you froze up. You backed off. Well, I was trying to explore the sights, the sounds, the smells of a political campaign. But you were up there to get an interview with McCain and one-on-one. Now, Mrs. McCain was a gracious... Mrs. McCain is not the story. Okay.

Did you see her? Yeah, yeah. She is intelligent, beautiful, wonderful. Yes, I understand, but it seems like you froze up with McCain. You had him right there. Well, I was just trying to... Should we take you off the political beat? Is it too much for you to...

Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen. Coming up, four minutes with Tiffany Amber Thiessen. You're not talking, you're not tossing a commercial. Look at me. Look, Steven. What did we say? Bad report. Do better. Trying to survive in this fast-paced world is hard enough. But on the eve of the Y2K computer meltdown, people everywhere are nearing mass hysteria.

But one man in Los Angeles thinks he has the answer. They say that the computers will all lock up, that the world as we know it will grind to a halt. Jim Presnell has dedicated his life to solving the problems presented by Y2K. They say that money will no longer have its value because you can't, frankly, get to your money. Then what does have value is very arbitrary. It could be seashells, it could be salt. Oh, don't even get me started on the...

seashell and salt people. Well, I just don't think they work. It's my theory that PEZ is the perfect solution for that. That's right, PEZ. In an uncertain post-Y2K world, Jim's convinced that dollars will be replaced by PEZ dispensers as the national currency. I can go into a gas station and say, here, here's a PEZ dispenser. He lets me get five gallons of gas. This is the stuff that's really worth gold when the going gets tough. Jim's theory begs one obvious question. Do you think...

that you're an idiot. We road tested Jim's prediction at this LA pawn shop. Could you give me a rough estimate what this would go for on the open market? I would say about 10 cents. 10 cents. Year 2000, Y2K, the world's economy is in economic turmoil. Food and water are being rationed. Now how much would this be worth? 10 cents.

Undaunted by the naysayers, Jim's been feverishly hoarding Pez. 3,000 Pez dispensers. You must be very proud. Well, I'm very proud of my collection. I love showing it off. Troy Newman is also preparing for Y2K. So I've gathered some basic food storage. Although he has inexplicably decided to store food and water. What would you make of a person...

who cracked open the head of a small creature and ate food from the gaping hole in its larynx. Ultimately, whether or not you agree with Jim, you must give his accomplishments the respect they deserve. Jim, you own over 3,000 Pez dispensers. You've organized the Pez-a-thon, gathering Pez heads from all over the world. Which of the following best describes you? Doofus?

Or dorkwad? I think that's probably a little insensitive. I'd prefer eccentric. Dweebwad. Dorky eccentric? Dweeby nutcase? Kooky dweeby? Dweeby dorkhead? I think I've had enough.

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That's KNIX.com. Hurry, the sale ends soon and sizes will sell out. Go to NYX.com. That's KNIX.com. If you like seeing movies on the big screen, then listen up. Have you heard about MoviePass? MoviePass is a movie lover's dream, but it's not for everyone. MoviePass is made exclusively for movie people, for those adventurous, creative, and resilient enough to go where few go.

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This holiday season, surprise everyone on your list with the best gifts. Tickets to see their favorite artists live. Choose from thousands of concerts and comedy shows, including Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige, Matt Matthews, Metallica, Thomas Rhett, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Sarah Silverman, and so many more. Share a memory together.

or give a gift they'll never forget. Find the most exciting gift for every fan at LiveNation.com/gifts. That's LiveNation.com/gifts. - Men, from time immemorial, they stood atop the world, building our civilizations, commanding our armies. They were gods walking among us, but now their time may be over.

For the first time, women are expected to outnumber men in the workforce. A new study finds increasing numbers of women outpacing their husbands when it comes to income and education. And it's a crisis that troubles many, like sociologist and author of The Myth of Male Power, Dr. Warren Farrell. It's a difficult time to be a man in America. In what sense exactly? Men today are probably...

Where women were in the late 50s, we're about a half century behind women in terms of being understood, in terms of having options. How did this happen, baby cakes? We did a great job for women. We now just need to do the same for men. He's right. Men run just for women.

185 of our Fortune 500 companies and only three branches of government. And there are more doors closing on them all the time. Almost all your pharmaceutical salespeople are young women and attractive women because the pharmaceutical company knows that an attractive young female will have much greater access to a medical doctor who's on average still more likely to be a male. Oh, that sucks for men.

Except for the male doctor, who gets to earn all that money and bang that hot new sales rep. Poor guy. It doesn't stop there. Even the nightly news, long a bastion of the stately white male, is now 66.7% female. And the last male anchor is kind of effeminate.

Fortunately, help is on the way thanks to male support groups like the Better Man organization. Founder Wayne Levine. For us, it's about being available to each other and giving the wisdom and the guidance and the support and the ass-kicking, whatever it is we need to be the best men we can be. You know, so many of the problems that we face in our culture is because men are not getting what they need. What are men not getting?

In our culture, there's no place for men to gather. It's socially unacceptable for men to get together. Yes, it's a constant struggle to find places where men are allowed to be themselves. Having never heard of Las Vegas, these disenfranchised men seek solace in the woods, where they play games no one liked in P.E. class and complain about their wives.

Mostly what they do is gather in circles. The sitting circle, the cleansing circle, and of course, the most important circle of all. So what we got here is a wisdom circle with just a few men. And this is where a man will bring an issue that needs to be addressed. When does everybody start masturbating? They were coming here with one purpose, to reclaim their manhood. Our dinner's right over here!

Sadly, the inequalities holding men back begin as early as high school. Almost every high school has a football team. Almost every football team has cheerleaders. And it's very rare that the cheerleader says something like, gee, you know, I noticed you lost your position on the team, so I'd like to continue cheering for you because you were very sensitive and very loving and very caring and very listening. You don't ever see that happening. So we need to give our sons permission to be pusswads.

That's, yeah, some type of term like that. Something puss-related. And of course, the key to uplifting any oppressed group is to give them a voice. This is the time of day where we bring out the talking stick. It's a time where you can speak from the heart and listen from the heart and share whatever's on your mind. Finally, it was my opportunity to offer advice to my fallen brothers. Actually,

You know, I actually brought my own tool. Attention middle-aged vagina men! Seriously, you're turning me into a lesbian! These days, when you hear about secession, you think of Texas.

But Texas isn't alone. Secession is the big word for lawmakers in Long Island. Should Long Island become its own state? According to Long Island legislator Edward Romaine, the time for independence is now. Yes, the 51st state, Long Island. Long Island is...

paying more than $3 billion more than we're getting back in assistance from the state. Located just 10 miles from Manhattan, or three and a half hours by car, Long Island's 3 million people have never felt connected to the rest of the state. Well, we're kind of an appendage to New York. We jut out...

east of New York into the Atlantic Ocean. How much longer can New York State continue to jerk this appendage off before it just explodes? Not much longer. We're going to secede if we can't.

We're going to stand up and say enough is enough. Unfortunately, some people, like Long Island State Senator Carl Marcellino, insist on standing in the way of statehood. No, Long Island should not secede from the state of New York. You're a state senator from Long Island. I mean, if this secession happens, you could be a real senator. Senator Marcellino from the great state of Long f***ing Island.

It's just not practical to do it. But can they afford not to do it? The high taxes are forcing some people to vote with their feet. That is the best and the brightest to leave in Long Island. It's all relative, though. I mean, you are talking about the best and brightest of Long Island. The most important resource that we have are our people. They're inventive. They're intelligent. Jagerbomb! Yes!

And these intelligent and inventive people think it's time. I'd most definitely like to see Long Island succeeded as its own state. You're a totally different group of people. Long Island's a melting pot. You got all these awesome Italian guys, beautiful Italian women, nice Italian food. You're not making it seem like a melting pot, unless you're talking about a melting pot filled with bubbling marinara sauce. What do you have to say to New Yorkers who say, "Good riddance"? I'd say, " you."

You guys still got the village. Good luck with that one.

Clearly, the first article of their state constitution is in place. But have they really thought things through? It's complicated. We would need to pay for the roads that are state roads. The first thing we do is pick a state capital. We would need to pay for the state parks that are state parks. Picking a state food, it might be the flounder. Teacher certifications would all have to be done differently. Picking a state bird, it might be the seagull. The state birds should just be flipping the birds.

All right. Welcome to Long Island. Of course, secession could mean war, and that's something no one would want to see. Dearest Gina, with dangerously low on Axe body spray and those suckers from Massapequa took all my free weights. By the way, that picture you took of me and my rim, it's f***ing sick. Give my love to your family, except your sister. She's a whore.

Canada?

Canada, okay, we have, okay. - Europe, right? - Okay, I'm sorry. - New Jersey? Oh yeah, New Jersey's the first to go. - Isn't that like beating up your conjoined twin though? They're so genetically similar. The people of Long Island have been oppressed for too long and after spending time in their world and learning their customs, I started to share in the revolutionary spirit. - First of all, I think they should call it Strong Island if they make it its own state. I mean, look at these guys. - It's the gun show, baby.

You got your tickets? Ooh, double guns! Makes me feel so vulnerable. Not really sure I'm capable of making good decisions right now. Probably all that birth control I'm taking. It's making my mind fuzzy. I was drawn in by their noble cause and meticulous manscaping. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. Second thought, you know what? No. I'm confused. The whole thing...

The whole thing has me very confused. Rick Santorum says women can't be in combat because they'll trigger men's chivalrous nature. Liz Trotta says female soldiers can't serve because they'll arouse men's baser instincts. What's your take? Well, John, I know you're expecting an apology, and believe me, you'll get it. From you? An apology for what, Sam? John, for this. Oh, man.

You guys can rape it or you can protect it, but you can't ignore it. It's who you are. You know, you're talking about this and the sexual assaults and things like that. Like, it's a bad habit that men have. Like, oh, men always leave their socks on the floor. Men can't put the toilet seat down, you know. Oh, my God. And when they rape ladies, am I right? What's up? Oh, my God.

So female soldiers should just expect to be sexually assaulted. Is that? Well, female soldiers, gal reporters, lady doctors, teacherettes, aviatrixes, that's just the way it is when you're a woman intruding in a man's world. We expect to be paid slightly less and raped slightly

You know, as a man, I'm offended. Men are absolutely capable of working in close quarters with women in an appropriate, respectful manner. Uh, John, I'm up here. I'm looking up there. I'm talking to you. You're right. You're absolutely right. It's my fault. You don't bring the fruit if you don't want it to get picked. You know...

See, here's the problem. Not every man is in a constant battle to suppress urges to pick fruit that does not want to be picked by them. It's not... Ooh, Sue, someone hates women. I don't hate women. I don't... Okay, just like feminists hate men by assuming that they could be something other than prehistoric rape machines.

Which, coincidentally, is the name of my all-girl punk band. We're gonna be at the Roxy this weekend. And fellas, as always, ladies drink free if you catch my drift. Two for one group bikinis. Come on down, protect us, rape us. It's your choice. Two choices. Two choices only.

This holiday season, surprise everyone on your list with the best gifts. Tickets to see their favorite artists live. Choose from thousands of concerts and comedy shows, including Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige, Matt Matthews, Metallica, Thomas Rhett, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Sarah Silverman, and so many more. Share a memory together.

or give a gift they'll never forget. Find the most exciting gift for every fan at LiveNation.com slash gifts. That's LiveNation.com slash gifts. How crispy are the new Deli-Mex crispy quesadillas? Let's see. I'm going to pop one in the microwave. Yeah, Deli-Mex crispy quesadillas are crispy even from a microwave. I can already smell it. Heads up, if you hate loud crunching, you might want to mute. Mmm, so crispy. Like, barely hear myself think crispy. These should come with a warning.

If this crispiness is making you hungry, get to your closest grocery store for Deli Mac's crispy quesadillas in the frozen aisle. Here's to the holidays, to the smell of grandma's fresh baked casseroles, to bundling up by the fire with family and football.

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