Sports War: 2024 Olympics | Investigating America’s Gerontocracy
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Welcome to the Cooper residence. Cooper McAllister. I'm surprised you put my name first. Come on in. From the brains behind the Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon, CBS is excited to welcome back some beloved, familiar folks. I am so glad that you and Cece are here. And Georgie. Atta girl. It's a whole new chapter. Georgie and Mandy's first marriage premieres CBS Thursday, 8, 7 central and streaming on Paramount+.

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You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey, this is Ron Chang. The Daily Show is on break this week, but don't worry. We put together some special highlights for you to catch up on in case you missed them. We'll be back on September 10th. Until then, enjoy this episode. Ended with the traditional Tom Cruise jumping off a building. For a full recap of the beauty and grace of the games, we turn to Sports War. Sports War.

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What's up, idiots? I'm Roy Chang. And I'm Michael Kosta. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say I love baguettes... Then I say, f*** you, croissants for life. And if I say that the best French New Wave director is Goudard... Well, then I say, f*** you, Truffaut's movies were just as revolutionary but more accessible to a wider audience. Shut the f*** up, you guys.

up, you Philistine. Now that the 2024 Paris Olympics are over, you'll probably miss watching women's beach volleyball every day in your office. Learn how to knock, Ronnie. But another highlight was the utter dominance of USA men's basketball. LeBron James, Kevin Durant, and Steph Curry teaming up in a thrilling gold medal game against host country France, winning by 11 points. It's everything I imagined and more. We all signed up for this mission to...

continue the USA basketball dominance. That's right. Suck it, France. Pack your bags and go back to wherever it is that you came from. This just proves America is the best at the sports that we invent. Costa, you drooling moron. America should be embarrassed that you only beat France by 11 points. You basically lost. That score should have been 270 to 12. These players shouldn't even be allowed back in the country. Hey, LeBron James, you stay in France and you think about what you just did.

Ronnie, Ronnie, I swear putting you on TV feels like a make-a-wish, all right? Not only did Steph and LeBron dominate, but they found a way to make it entertaining against a weak opponent. And believe me, it takes real skill to put on a great show even when you're out there with a smaller, inferior co-host.

Costa, you're the Tyrese Halliburton of this team, okay? Only 1% of our audience even knows who you are. Well, you're like the Seine River, just filled with diarrhea, which brings us to our Costa's Big Balls Bed of the Night. Which river will Ronnie Chang mysteriously drown in? As always, brought to you by gambling. Remember, you're not you when you're not gambling.

Moving on to an unexpected Olympic showdown. It was the return of the world's fastest man against the world's fastest virus. It was supposed to be a golden moment for U.S. sprinter Noah Lyles. This is where

But instead, the 27-year-old failed to take the lead in the 200-meter event, finishing with a bronze medal. He embraced fellow racers before he knelt to the ground, appearing to struggle for breath. After the race, Lyles revealed he tested positive for COVID two days earlier, but decided to still compete.

What an incredible accomplishment for Noah Laos and an incredible embarrassment for the people who trained every day for four years and lost to a guy with fluid in his lungs.

Yo, why don't you just keep running off the track and right into traffic? Ronnie, like my negative COVID test this morning, you couldn't be more wrong. This was an absolute disaster for the whole world. He won an Olympic medal with COVID and ruined the last valid excuse we all had to miss work. Your shitty boss is going to be like, if no Liles can run 200 meters with COVID, then you got to keep teaching these CPR classes.

Which brings us to Ronnie's Bigger Balls Bed of the Evening. Which disease will Michael Kosta get next? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. It will fix everything.

Let's move on to the athlete from down under that everyone is talking about and sure to be this year's most popular Halloween costume. Australian breaker Raegun went viral for her memorable routine. Rachel Gunn, the b-girl from Australia, failed to score a single point during her Olympics competition going head-to-head with some of the world's best breakers during the sports Olympic debut. Her signature moves include the sprinkler.

And the kangaroo hop? Reagan actually has a PhD in breakdance and was Australia's only woman to qualify for the Olympics. Wow, thank you, Australia. That was inspirational. Yeah, yep.

She's the Australian breakdancing Jamaica bobsled team of the French Olympics. She was so bad with so much confidence, some experts are speculating that she had Ronnie Chang syndrome.

I hope that Turkish guy shoots you in your stupid face, right? This was a terrible moment for the Olympics, for Australia, for descendants of criminals, for dancers, for kangaroos, for white people that want to be black. It just shows you the pathetic level of talent in Australia. You fit in perfectly, Costner. Fit in a country of tall, tan, hot people? When I say, good day, mate. Ha ha.

Finally, as we say goodbye to the Paris Olympics, let's take a look at the final medal count. Look at that. 126 medals. The United States has clearly won the Olympics. USA all the way. Oh, what's that? Singapore's only won one medal? Hey, Ronnie, where did you grow up again?

Costa, you're a bigger dick than that French pole vaudeville's actual dick. Right? If you factor in population size, the U.S. actually finished 59th in medals per capita. And by that metric, you know who performed almost 50 times better than the U.S.? Grenada. Ronnie, you idiot. It's pronounced Canada. Learn the language. Yeah.

Bringing us to our free ball and college fun quadrupler bet of the evening. Which country that Ronnie grew up in will embarrass themselves at the 2028 Olympics? Brought to you by gambling. It's not an addiction if you win. All right, we're out of time. Join us next time on Sportswear where we're going to debate if Simone Biles is so good, why isn't she taller? Oh, you're taller than you suck. You look like shit. You're tired. You're a sucker.

Shut up, Ron. There's a guy behind you.

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Welcome to the Cooper residence. Cooper McAllister. I'm surprised you put my name first. Come on in. From the brains behind the Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon, CBS is excited to welcome back some beloved, familiar folks. I am so glad that you and Cece are here. And Georgie. Atta girl. It's a whole new chapter. Georgie and Mandy's first marriage premieres CBS Thursday, 8, 7 central and streaming on Paramount+.

The "Late Night Show," we love the 18 to 35 demographic. You guys rock. Turn off your ad blockers. You're missing a lot of great stuff. But did you know that there are some people who are older than that? And a lot of those people run the country. It's called gerontocracy. And Grace Kuhlenschmidt found out more.

America's democracy may not be the strongest, but at least it's the oldest. There seems to be some sort of gerontocracy. We have the oldest leaders among rich countries. And we love all of them. Joe Biden, Donald Trump, this guy.

Are there drawbacks to having our leadership with one foot in heaven? I spoke to Mark Fisher, Neuropolitics Researcher at UC Irvine. We know that brain function tends to deteriorate with aging. One of the first to go of all the cognitive functions is called executive function. It's decision making. I see. And what can be more important for a political leader than decision making? What am I going to have for freaking lunch? I'm president of the United States. What the hell?

What the heck am I gonna have for lunch? That's a hard decision. And I hope that I have a burger for lunch. I guess I've had this freaky misconception that old people are wiser and smarter than me.

And it feels like what you're telling me is that that's not true and I should never trust them. Oh, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that. No, I think that the experience that one gains over the course of a lifetime, extraordinarily important. But there are some measurable cognitive functions that do begin to decline over the age of 60. So even though you have more experiences, you are still getting dumber. You know, I'm a neurologist. Dumb is not a word that we use. Okay. All right. I'll say it then. Don't worry.

So having a bunch of old brains in charge might be a bit of a problem, but this wise old neurologist actually has a solution. Our Neuropolitics Center, we came out with a recommendation that cognitive testing should be done on all politicians, not just older politicians, all politicians. Woman, man, camera, TV. Unsurprisingly, Trump says he aced his cognitive test already. If you get it in order...

You get extra points. An individual is given a number of things to remember, and then after a period of time, three to five minutes, they're asked to repeat that. I mean, those aren't hard things to remember, right? Person, mama, dad.

It's only one part of the exam. Yeah, thank God. And by itself, it doesn't determine a whole lot. I mean, you have to look at the entire exam. And you have to look at someone's personality. I mean, I have a really good personality. Absolutely. Thank you. But that's not really, that's really not assessed in no cognizance. It doesn't need to be. Without seeing his test results, we can only guess how well or not well Trump's brain is doing. I'm eating by a lot, including Obama. I'll tell you what. I'm eating by a lot.

But it did make me curious. Could my brain be president? My name, Grace. My date of birth, June 30th, 1995. This first part of the exam, this isn't scored. So this is just identification material.

Okay, God, I would like to be scored on those two actually, if possible, because I think I got them right. Do you have more difficulties doing everyday activities due to thinking problems? No, I have almost nothing to do on a daily basis. At the bottom of the very last page, write, "I have finished" on the blank line provided. So this is a test of delayed recall. Got it. This one is so easy. Can I call my mom to just double check?

Last question. In the course of just a few pages, we've covered many cognitive domains. Sir. Did I pass? Let's hear it, brother. Come on. Come on. You got it. Let's go! Now, if only someone could go to Washington and get our elected leaders to take this test. Okay, fine. I'll do it. Hello. Hey, how you doing? Good to see you. You too. My name's Grace. I'm Maxwell.

- I'm looking for a congressperson. - Well, I am a congressman. - So who does like your Botox or your work? You look incredible. - I appreciate it. I'm actually 27. - Yes, most junior congressperson Maxwell Frost is the only person who would talk to me for this story. - So how would you feel about having a cognitive test required for politicians? - I don't think we should have that. - Okay, why not? You worried you'd fail, dude? - What is a cognitive test? - For example, I could show you one.

What are these? - A rhino and a harp. - Congratulations, sir! You get to keep your position. They told me that if you screwed this up, that this office would be mine.

I'll be honest, I had to think for like just two seconds about what animal that was. Yeah, of course. In this baby politician's view, the issue with politics isn't old brains. It's the lack of young ones. I do think it's an issue that, yeah, young people aren't as represented. I don't think we should like boot out all the old people and just have young people running the country. So you're not ageist? I'm not an ageist. When do you feel like you would retire? I don't know when I would retire, but I do think we need term limits.

Do you think if you stay in Congress for 34 years, you'll be able to bring Congress to term limits?

Because of how this place works, maybe, but my hope was we'll have it way before that. So it's not hopeless. We just need our young politicians to stick around until they'll be able to change the system, however long it takes. You know what? I think I'll vote for you. You can't. Why not? Because I live in Orlando. I represent Orlando, Florida. If you move to Orlando, though. I could go on a paid business trip to Disney World and leave my vote there. Yeah, yeah. That's illegal, too.

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Welcome to the Cooper residence. Cooper McAllister. I'm surprised you put my name first. Come on in. From the brains behind the Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon, CBS is excited to welcome back some beloved, familiar folks. I am so glad that you and Cece are here. And Georgie. Atta girl. It's a whole new chapter. Georgie and Mandy's first marriage premieres CBS Thursday, 8, 7 central and streaming on Paramount+.

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