Ronny Chieng on Trump’s Second Assassination Attempt and His New Crypto Business | ICYMI
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Ever since Joe Biden dropped out for being old as shit, lots of people have been saying, what about Donald Trump? He's also an old man. But listen, Trump has energy, okay? Look how much he got done this weekend. He held a rally. He started a crypto company you definitely should put all your money into. And he got in nine holes of golf. Well, five holes. That was a bit of an interruption.

Tonight, the chilly new details of the apparent second assassination attempt on Donald Trump. Yo, again? Hey, will you people stop trying to assassinate Donald Trump? Not only is it morally wrong, but you're also just giving him more things to brag about. They only tried to kill Abraham Lincoln once. That makes me twice as great as him.

Yes, this weekend a crazy person tried to hunt Donald Trump in his natural habitat, his golf course. Investigators say a Secret Service agent monitoring the woods ahead of Mr. Trump as he played golf on Sunday saw a rifle barrel through the tree line and opened fire. The subject, who did not have line of sight to the former president, fled the scene. He did not fire or get off any shots.

at our agent. Cell phone records show he had been in place at the edge of the golf course for nearly 12 hours. This guy managed to walk into Trump's golf course and stay there undetected for 12 hours. Okay, and I don't know if you've thought about this, Trump, but maybe you should consider building, you know, like a wall. Like, I don't know if you're like a, you know, a wall guy. Just think about it. But, by the way...

Have you noticed that the news reports are all like a harrowing, near tragedy, sending chills through a nation? And meanwhile, everyone you actually know is like, oh, yeah, yeah, I saw that. Yeah. I mean, we have to act like it's a big deal, but it doesn't really have the same impact of the first one. You know, it's kind of like Black Panther 2. You're like...

Yeah, I guess I'll see it. I mean, how is that going to work? Now, the Secret Service is getting a lot of heat for letting that guy get this far. But don't worry, they're taking action. As part of that increased focus on security, the Palm Beach County Sheriff now says that Mar-a-Lago behind me has the highest security level possible, equivalent to when Donald Trump was president.

That's right, the highest security level possible. It goes security, maximum security, and then home alone level. I'm talking paint cans on the stairs, scary movies playing really loud, a cardboard cutout of Trump in the windows moving back and forth. And if things get really bad, Trump's scary old friend will show up, uh... and protect him. Now...

The motive of the assassin remains unclear, so we'll have to look at who might have a reason to be angry at Donald Trump. On Sunday, three hours before the attempt on his life, Trump blared, I hate Taylor Swift on Truth Social, reacting to her bombshell endorsement of Kamala Harris. Ugh, Donald tweeting, I hate Taylor Swift. That's dangerous. I mean, I would rather buy one of those Hezbollah pages than tweet, I hate Taylor Swift.

I think Trump needs to stick to racism. It's less divisive. The assassin this weekend was probably not a Swifty, okay? He doesn't fit the MO. Swifties are non-violent. They prefer to cyber-bully you until you kill yourself.

So why did this guy come for Trump? I mean, according to J.D. Vance, Trump's VP and the worst thing to happen to cat ladies since feline AIDS, Democrats made him do it. The left needs to tone down the rhetoric and needs to cut this crap out. We cannot tell the American people that one candidate is a fascist and if he's elected, it is going to be the end of American democracy. Yeah, liberals.

Stop accurately describing Trump, okay? You're putting him in danger when you repeat the things he says verbatim. But J.D. Vance has a point. The left needs to stop calling its political opponents fascists, okay? You don't see Donald Trump doing that all the time. She's a Marxist.

She's a fascist. She's a Marxist, communist, fascist, socialist. We have a fascist person running. There's a radical left, Marxist, communist, fascist. She's a Marxist, communist, fascist person. That last one, it felt like he ran out of words to end it. She's a Marxist, communist, fascist, dermatologist.

I mean, Trump has called Kamala "fascist" so much, I'm not sure he knows her name. It's like when you say to a coworker, "Oh, hey, uh, hey, uh, yeah, good to see you, my-my fascist buddy."

Don't forget the rules of slurs, either, okay? You can use the word if you are one. That's why I can call someone else Ronnie, but you can't call me Ronnie, okay? That's our word. But look, whether or not you think the rhetoric should be toned down, it's just not something that Trump and Vance actually believe in. I mean, for the past week, the city of Springfield has been overrun with bomb threats after Trump and Vance claimed that Haitian immigrants are eating everyone's cats and dogs, which there is no evidence of. I mean, people love posting photos of their food, okay? So we would have seen it by now.

But when Trump was asked about those bomb threats, he didn't seem too concerned. Did you denounce the bomb threats in Springfield, Ohio? I don't know what happened with the bomb threats. I know that it's been taken over by illegal migrants.

Yeah, the guy who wants everyone to believe he's super concerned about political violence can't even bring himself to say he's against bomb threats. I mean, what more information are you waiting for? It's a bomb threat. You need to know who the bomb was gonna vote for? I mean, I can't believe this guy is saying there are very fine bomb threats on both sides. You know, this isn't a trick question. This is a layup for politicians. It's like, do you support the troops or do you like Taylor Swift? Just say yes. It's a layup.

So will any of the heater rhetoric in this country change? Probably not. But there was at least one moment over the weekend that offered a glimmer of hope. President Biden tonight spoke on the phone with Trump. The White House describes the conversation as cordial, with Biden sharing his relief that the former president is safe, and then Trump thanking Biden for the call. Oh, yeah, Joe Biden! I forgot about that guy! That's right, he's the president!

It's so nice when two 80-year-old men can speak to each other on the last piece of technology they can truly understand. And I know what you're thinking. It would be great if we knew exactly what they talked about on that call. Well, luckily, we at The Daily Show got our hands on the very real audio recording. Hello? Hey, Donnie. It's me, President Joe, uh... Biden? That's it. Biden. My name's Joe Brandon. I just want to say I'm glad you're safe.

Directing Secretary Service. Make sure Marylago completely secure. Thank you, Joe. And let me just say, please come back. Please, Joe. This race is no fun without you. Everyone is shooting at me. This black lady keeps laughing at me in the debates. I need you back, Joe. We had good times together, didn't we? Of course we did, Donnie. I guess she was the last thing in my life. Purpose.

Nowadays, no one even pays attention to me. Just yesterday, I fell down a flight of stairs. Jill just walked over me. Then tell everyone you're back in the race. You can call me a threat to democracy. I'll call you a demented head of an international crime family. It'll be like old times. Don't you think I want to? They won't let me. They're supposed to see you outside my door right now with a baseball bat. Oh, my God.

Sorry, Donnie. I gotta go. I gotta go, too. J.D. Vance just called women walking embryo bags, so I gotta deal with that. Goodbye, Joe. Wait, Donnie.

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Let's talk the big news. If there's one issue that voters say is the most important to them in this election, it's the economy. It's the top of the list. Right above crime, health care, and Haitian immigrants are eating my grandmother. Oh, wait, sorry, she's just outside gardening. My bad, my bad. But today, the Federal Reserve told all the people bitching about the economy to shut the f*** up. This is CNN Breaking News.

We do have breaking news just into CNN. The Federal Reserve making its announcement on interest rate cuts. The Fed just delivered its first interest rate cut since COVID, and it is a big one, half a percentage point. Oh, my God, that's huge. I assume from the way he said it.

I mean, I guess this is a big deal. Lowest interest rates mean lower car payments, credit card payments, and of course, cheaper home loans. So you know that house you couldn't afford? Well, a half-point decrease means that now you can afford a bus ticket to drive past.

American dream alive. But who cares about the Federal Reserve? What about those of us outside the system? Us rebels who don't keep our money in social constructs like banks so we don't have to pay taxes. Well, you're in luck, my friend, because the last real American has just announced a new investment opportunity that's going to make your wallet blow up like a Hezbollah pager.

In the crypto space, Donald Trump has officially rolled out World Liberty Financial, a crypto venture that will sell tokens to wealthy investors. All this just one day after an apparent assassination attempt on his life. Yes, having a near-death experience has made Trump focus on what truly matters in life, selling crypto.

And this is great news. Donald Trump, the world's most trustworthy businessman, is now in crypto, the world's most trustworthy business. And what could make this deal better than Trump?

How about more Trumps? - Also involved in the crypto venture are Donald Trump's sons, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, and even 18-year-old Barron Trump, whose official title is D5 Visionary. - Holy shit, they got four Trumps now! I mean, forget Nepo babies, that's a whole Nepo nursery. Look, I'm 100% in this, okay? Shut up and take my money. I just have a few questions, like how does this work and what is it?

So this new Trump-backed business called World Liberty Financial yet released key details about its finances or exact purpose. Its website, though, prominently features photos of Trump and touts a digital currency, kind of like Bitcoin, but the value of that currency would be pegged to the U.S. dollar. World Liberty Financial announced it will sell tokens to accredited investors. Those won't be transferable or earn a yield, but they will allow holders to vote on the company's future. Users can transact directly with each other without

the middleman of a bank, and everything is going to occur on the blockchain, and that's essentially a public digital letter. I'm in. I'm just not sure what I'm in. It's... It's a little confusing. So, um, maybe we could, I don't know, uh, do that thing from the big short and have Margot Robbie explain this Trump business to us in a bathtub? It's a scam. Oh. Right. Yeah, yeah. I... I see it now. Uh...

But still, I mean, that's just one person's opinion. Is there anyone else who's an expert on scams? Who's had some thoughts a few years ago on crypto? Bitcoin, it just seems like a scam. Quote, I am not a fan of Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies, which are not money and whose value is highly volatile and based on thin air. Okay, pretty persuasive, but I think I'm going to need to see him say that in a bathtub naked.

There you go. There you go. Now I know it's a scam and I'm turned on. I'm sorry, guys. I really thought this was a sure thing. But of course, Donald Trump doesn't know anything about crypto. Now, if he had some actual financial experts who are running the company for him, that would be a different story.

One of the dealmakers behind World Liberty Financial is Chase Hero, who previously sold colon cleansers online after serving time in prison for dealing marijuana. Wow, Trump's partner in this is a weed dealer turned prisoner turned colon cleanse marketer? I mean, clearly he understands the concepts of diversifying your portfolio. I mean, maybe I can trust this thing.

But is there anything Chase Hero said that makes it clear he understands how the crypto business works? You can literally sell sh*t in a can, wrapped in piss, covered in human skin for a billion dollars if the story's right. Because people will buy it and that is what is going on in the crypto space. And like I said in my other video, I'm not going to question the right and wrong of all that. All I'm saying is as a human being, you have the ability to make a f*cking ton of money right now.

So the guy running Trump's crypto company says crypto is basically, and I quote, a can of shit wrapped in piss that you can sell to idiots. I mean, that is crazy. I did not know you could wrap something in piss. That's... it's a liquid. This guy's a genius. I-I can't wait to give him my money. I-I just wish there was just one more guy who could lend his credibility to this company.

World Liberty Financial also has Chase Heroes longtime partner Zachary Folkman, a former pickup artist who under the name Zach Bauer founded a company called Date Hotter Girls. How many guys came here to learn how to take girls home and bang them? Finally, the answer to the question, what if Jesus had herpes? So to sum it up,

I could not be more excited to trust my kid's insulin money with these three guys. Donald Trump, a shit-in-a-can salesman, and Timu Russell Brand. But the question is, is this investment right for you? Only you can answer that. But I must say, I found their new ad very persuasive.

Attention Donald Trump fans, introducing World Liberty Financial, the president's latest venture. How does it work? Well, using the blockchain, we mint a crypto coin, or we exchange other crypto coins, or maybe we platform the DeFi blah blah blah. Look, we don't know what this is yet, but you know the deal. Trump's name is on it, so you buy it, okay? Crypto is a complex intersection of finance and technology, and we don't know shit about it either. But what we do know is, you like Trump.

Trump like money. You give Trump money. Don't act like you need to do your due diligence here. Oh, let me read the prospectus and make sure this is a sound financial decision. F***.

F*** you. Pay us. Oh, you want a chart? Fine, here's a chart. This is you giving money to Trump. You comprehending all this, Warren Buffett? I'm sorry, but we have less than 50 days to the election to cram in all the cash grabs we can, so we don't have time for a bunch of questions like, are we insured by the FDIC? Are you kidding me? The only FDIC here is you, the f***.

dummies investing cash. Give us your money. If you don't have money, then get it. Take out a loan. Steal it from your daughter's wallet. Rob a bank. Rob a blood bank and sell the blood on the black market. Don't get Trump involved unless it works. Then he wants a cut. Hold on, hold on. I have a financial disclosure we legally have to read. This is a grift.

You are the mark. Ignore that or don't. You're going to fall for it. World Liberty Financial. Trump, crypto, blockchain, blah, blah, blah. Money, please. Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. Paramount Podcasts.

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