Jon Stewart and Jordan Klepper React to the Presidential Debate | ICYMI
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You're listening to Comedy Central. My name is Jon Stewart. The second presidential debate has just wrapped up. We are live. Well, technically, technically, I guess this is the second presidential debate. The first presidential debate of this matchup. I can't wait to see who the winner will take on next. I think...

We'll come to you live, ladies and gentlemen. The stakes couldn't be higher as we all try and figure out who will be the next president of Pawanewmiasgank. It's an exciting night for citizens of that esteemed nation. As the rest of us watch with great interest from the neighboring country of No One Gives a Shitistan. By the way, if you have any friends in Pawanewmiasgank...

Can you see if they can do anything about congestion pricing? All right, forget it. But so far, it seems like this presidential race is going to be a tight one. The election, now a dead heat. Separated by razor-thin margins. Neck and neck. Feels like a jump-all race right now. For all intents and purposes, horseshoes and hand grenades, it's a coin flip. The tightest race in a generation. As tight as it can get. As tight as a tick. As tight as a too-tight bathing suit and a too-long car ride home from the beach. Oh, shit.

That seems very tight. It's as tight as a teenage boy's pants during a Sidney Sweeney film festival. It's tighter than Sidney Sweeney's scheduling windows, given how busy she is with projects and in demand as a producer to say nothing of the... Anyway, she's very talented.

Of course, with an election this tight, it is important to build out a more diverse coalition. And recently, Donald Trump has picked up the unexpected support of former Democrats, RF

R.F.K. Jr. and Tulsi Gabbard, and might even have picked up one of Jeffrey Epstein's most esteemed former lawyers. -I am no longer a Democrat. I am no longer a member of the Democratic Party. -This was not my party. I just felt appalled when I watched the Democratic National Convention. I can't associate myself with the party itself. -No. Wait. Don't go.

longer the Democratic Party, Alan Dershowitz? Well, guess what? Democrats don't want you anyway, because the Democratic Party has standards, okay? Last week, former Vice President Dick Cheney endorsed Vice President Harris. Would you excuse me one second? I don't know what came over me. Anyway, going into the debate, one thing was clear. I'm sorry. You know what? Dick Cheney, can you meet me over by camera one? Fuck off. Seriously. Fuck off.

You came this close to destroying the entire world. We were this close. Closer than a teenage boy's pants. And no, I'm not going to have any fun with this. And by the way, who in God's name is that endorsement going to sway? Well, I like the Democrats' policy on child tax credits, but are they bombing enough Middle Eastern countries? There's still some buildings standing. Someone should really do something. I'm fine. It's fine.

Seriously, though, fuck that guy. Now, obviously-- Oh, please. What an erudite takedown. Obviously, each candidate was gonna have their goals and strategies. For Kamala Harris, it was going to be quite a needle to thread. She really wants to make sure that Americans know her backstory, walk away understanding her policy stances, make sure she needles Donald Trump, gets him to lash out, expose the flaws that she sees in him, stays calm, be ready for all attacks. She's got, like, two minutes.

Is there anything else? There are some people who are worried that she might be overpreparing. Really? After doing all that? You know, Trump was encouraged to take a simpler approach. They expect some goading remarks from Harris. They have stressed to him over and over again, do not respond. If you're going to respond at all, to use facial expressions, not to actually go out there and say anything. Kamala say everything. Trump say nothing.

But here's what you do, Mr. Former President. If Kamala says something that surprises you, you just go... And if Kamala says something that makes you angry, you just go... And if Kamala says something that makes you feel sexy time, you go... Oh, yeah.

So those were the goals. Both candidates have now entered the arena. Biden and Trump did not greet each other. And Kamala... Oh, wait, she's going... She went for the handshake, ladies and gentlemen. What an incredible display of the awkward tension that happens when your son is dating a biracial girl and you meet her parents for the first time. Konnichiwa!

As per tradition in American politics, the first question is always asked by the most handsome person in a 10 to 15 mile radius. When it comes to the economy, do you believe Americans are better off than they were four years ago? Ooh, first, yowza. Oh, yeah. Second, answer the question, Mr. Vice President.

I imagine and have actually a plan to build what I call an opportunity economy. My plan is to give a $50,000 tax deduction to start-up small businesses. I intend on extending a tax cut for those families of $6,000.

Holy shit, we're one question in and we're all millionaires. Oh, my God. Donald, your response to the question, is the economy better now than it was four years ago? We have millions of people pouring into our country from prisons and jails, from mental institutions and insane asylums. They're dangerous. They're at the highest level of criminality. They are taking over the towns. They're taking over buildings. They're going in violently. Ladies and gentlemen.

I just want to say, after surviving the PTSD of the last presidential debate, how unbelievably refreshing it is to go back to the same old, nobody's going to answer any fucking questions! We're back! Yeah! You ask them a question, they just turn the tide and answer whatever they want.

And now that we're returning to the cliches, the standards of American political theater, I think it's only fair if someone would do the honors of the first baseless ad hominem. She's a Marxist. Everybody knows she's a Marxist. Her father's a Marxist professor in economics, and he taught her well. But when you look at what she's done to our country... Oh, shit. She's about to be like, motherfucker, let's just do this. I'm gonna...

She's about to open up a can of ass capital on Donald Trump. Lindsay Davis, you better change the subject before the fingers on Kamala's hand unite. I want to turn to the issue of abortion. Oh boy. I'm not superstitious, but this is where the wheels fell off for Biden. He was asked about abortion and he somehow spun it into why are immigrants raping people?

And he ended with a classic phrase we'll never forget, "And that's when we finally beat Medicare." They're feeling it too, ladies and gentlemen. As before, President Trump, you have the first crack at answering why you killed Roe v. Wade. -We've gotten what everybody wanted. Democrats, Republicans, and everybody else, and every legal scholar wanted it to be brought back into the states, and the states are voting. And I did something that nobody thought was possible.

John Stewart from the I was watching this live times picky on what you just said. Yeah, that's actually insanely false. The majority of people wanted it. You know what? Kamala Harris, Kamala Harris, can you address this with a bit more eloquence? I have talked with women around our country. You want to talk about this is what people wanted.

Pregnant women who want to carry a pregnancy to term, suffering from a miscarriage, being denied care in an emergency room because the health care providers are afraid they might go to jail and she's bleeding out in a car in the parking lot. She didn't want that. She crashed that. This is like...

This is like one of those Groundhog Day movies where you get to go back and fix the bad way that something happened earlier to the good way. And then you learn Italian and the piano, and then you get sad and then despondent, and then you learn how to love yourself. Anyway, Trump will now finally have to answer to his abortion policy. You know what it reminds me of? When they said they're going to get student loans terminated, and it ended up being a total catastrophe. Ah, you don't have an answer!

Lone Smoke Bomb. But we're settling into a rhythm here. Nice back and forth. I got to give it to Trump. He's sticking to his guns and he's not letting Kamala Harris get under his skin. I actually think she's not going to be able to needle him. I'm going to invite you to attend one of Donald Trump's rallies. He will talk about windmills cause cancer. And what you will also notice is that people start leaving his rallies early out of exhaustion and boredom. Oh, shit. He just get up his ears and be like, that's it, motherfucker.

Let's go! Folks, the eagle has landed. She has attacked what is Donald Trump's most cherished family member, his rally crowds. Donald, remember your training. The question is about why you killed the bipartisan immigration bill. You don't need to think about this. President responded to the rallies. She said people start leaving. People don't go to her rallies.

People don't leave my rallies. We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics. Our country is being lost. We're a failing nation. In Springfield, they're eating the dogs, the people that came in. They're eating the cats. They're eating the pets of the people that live there. What the fuck just happened?

against these unbelievable rallies. People don't leave them. They're eating dogs! In Springfield, the immigrants are eating people's dogs! Which reminds me, if I may for just a quick moment, a quick reminder to all the pet owners out there. Always remember to leash your dogs. It's an important way to keep your dogs from fighting other dogs or being hit by a car or being eaten by your immigrant neighbors. Oh, I'm sorry. Also, fuck off, Dick Cheney.

I'm sorry. You were saying?

I just want to clarify here, you bring up Springfield, Ohio, and ABC News did reach out to the city manager there. He told us there had been no credible reports of specific claims of pets being harmed, injured, or abused by individuals within the immigrant community. Well, I've seen people on television. Let me just say here, this is the... The people on television say my dog was taken and used for food. So maybe he said that, and maybe that's a good thing to say for a city manager. I'm not taking this from television. But the people on television are saying their dog was eaten by...

the people that went there. Again, the Springfield city manager says there's no evidence of that. Having spent some time in Springfield myself, I believe I know what's happening here. I believe Trump himself may be becoming one of Springfield's most famous residents. And I believe we have some footage. It's right in being old. No one listens to you. Someone ate my dog!

And finally, no debate with the former president would be complete without addressing the former president's closing number of the Trump show's first term.

Mr. President, on January 6th, you told your supporters to march to the Capitol. You said you would be right there with them. Is there anything you regret about what you did on that day? It wasn't done by me. It was done by others. It would have never happened if Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington did their jobs. I wasn't responsible for security. Nancy Pelosi was responsible. She didn't do her job. I had nothing to do with that other than they asked me to make a speech. I showed up for a speech. You spent...

Two months riling up your base that our country had literally been stolen from them through fraudulent means. That you could never even get a whiff of in a court of law. And let yourself just abuse them. You pressed on. You abused their trust. You showed up for a speech. You fucking tweeted, join me on January 6th. It will be wild.

But suddenly now, I was just a hired magician to the bar mitzvah. I didn't do anything. I showed up with a hat and a rabbit and then the whole party went out of control.

And this is it, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know if this debate's gonna change anything. I really don't. People are awfully set in the manner that they view these proceedings. What I think is a home-run answer for one candidate, someone else views as a dodge or a lie or any of those other things. In some ways, it doesn't matter what they say anymore. But one thing will always be true,

and it is the quality of the former president I respect the least. Whenever he is cornered and forced to face even the smallest of consequences for his own mendacity and scheming, he reverts to the greatest refuge of scoundrels, as Shaggy would say, it wasn't me!

I did nothing wrong. I just showed up. They're the ones who went crazy. This man who constantly professes to be your champion, who says they're going to have to go through him to get to you, will always, when the boat is going down, be the first into the lifeboats because in that moment, he will always say the same thing. I didn't know anything. I was just told to show up for a cruise, even though everybody knows he was the fucking captain of the ship in any other country. That last, in any other country.

In any other country, that lack of accountability would be disqualified. It's time for a brand new season of Survivor. And you know what that means. It means it's also a brand new season of the only official Survivor podcast on fire. Here's our goal with this podcast. We bring you inside the how and the why.

of what we do on the show. And we do it from three different points of view. You have the producer in me. You have the fan in Jay, who also happens to be our executive producer of this podcast. And then we bring you the insight from a former player. And this season, it is Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie Davis. Welcome to the team, Charlie. Well, Jeff, I know firsthand that playing from the couch and playing on the island...

completely different. So I hope you tune in every single week. We're going to dissect the strategy, the misfires and mistakes that change the game. If you want more Survivor than just 90 minutes, this is where you get it. On Fire, the only official Survivor podcast. Listen to On Fire, the official Survivor podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Last night, Kamala Harris and Donald Trump took to the debate stage to make their cases to Taylor Allison Swift. Laughter

And whoever else happened to be watching. It was not a good night for Trump. In terms of personal tragedies for him, I'd put it somewhere between losing the 2020 election and the day Fox News started letting female anchors wear pants. Somewhere in there.

And there was one moment that was probably the best example of just how badly Trump did at the debate. In Springfield, they're eating the dogs, the people that came in. They're eating the cats. They're eating... They're eating the pets of the people that live there. Sir, the question was, state your name.

Now, if you were one of the many people last night wondering why Trump was shouting, "They're eating the dogs!" Let me explain. It started with a random Facebook post where someone accused a Haitian immigrant of stealing and eating their neighbor's daughter's friend's cat.

And if there's one thing we know about Facebook posts, it's that they're always rigorously fact-checked. But as with any unfounded rumor on Facebook, obviously this got picked up by the right-wing establishment and spread across the Internet. Even J.D. Vance promoted it while simultaneously acknowledging it was completely unfounded. You might say he jumped in the misinformation pool but kept his shirt on.

Which brings us to last night. If there's one thing we know about a racist conspiracy theory, it's that Donald Trump's brain will swallow it whole like a hungry immigrant at Petco. And that's how a random Facebook post turned into Donald Trump's campaign slogan, They're eating cats and dogs! It seemed like Trump had a rough performance. But you know what? That's just my opinion.

You could also tell that Donald Trump was the loser because he did all the things losers do when they lose. Number one, complaining about the refs. -I thought they were very unfair, the moderators. Everybody did. -I thought it was terrible from the standpoint of ABC. It was 3-1. It was a rigged deal, as I assumed it would be, because when you looked at the fact that they were correcting everything and not correcting with her.

Yeah, man. They were correcting you because of the things you were saying. That's barely fact-checking. The moderators were reacting like normal human beings react when you hear the craziest shit you've ever heard. Like, if you were at a cocktail party and your friend said, "Trans immigrants are eating dogs in Ohio," you would say, "What the are you talking about, Stu?"

No, they aren't. You wouldn't be like, okay, thank you for that. Let's move on to foreign policy. You know what? It wasn't just blaming the refs. Another way you know Trump lost is that he was accusing his opponent of cheating. They had a rigged show with somebody that maybe even had the answers. I mean, I'll be honest. I watched her talk, and I said, you know, she seems awfully familiar with the questions. Okay, okay. Okay.

You think she was cheating because she seemed familiar with the questions? It's a presidential debate. They always ask the same questions. It's like being suspicious that someone knows all the words to take me out to the ballgame. How will you fix the economy? What's your stance on abortion? Do you promise not to overthrow the government? Standard boilerplate debate questions.

Meanwhile, Trump seemed awfully familiar with the questions that nobody asked, like, who's eating all the cats in Springfield, Ohio? But maybe the best way you know Trump lost the debate is that he repeatedly insisted he won. I think it was the best debate I've ever personally that I've had. We're getting polls that show 92 to 6, 88.

Wow!

Those certainly were numbers. Is this what Trump did during his debate prep? Memorize all the numbers between 70 and 98? In fact, every moment since the debate ended last night, Trump has been spinning and spinning and spinning. I mean, just listen to his response after Taylor Swift announced she is endorsing Kamala Harris. Well, I actually like, uh...

Mrs. uh... I actually like Mrs. Mahomes much better, if you want to know the truth. She's a big Trump fan. I was not a Taylor Swift fan. Oh, really? Really, Donald? You prefer Brittany Mahomes? What's your top five Brittany Mahomes songs? Is this really his angle? Well, I don't care, Taylor, because I like your boyfriend's co-worker's wife better.

This has just been a day of pathetic, desperate spinning. I mean, imagine if Donald Trump spent all that energy on doing things correctly instead of pretending he did things correctly.

I mean, if he had worked harder preparing for the debate, maybe he wouldn't have had to pretend he won the debate. If he had worked harder to win in 2020, maybe he wouldn't have to pretend the election was rigged. And if he had worked harder on January 6th, maybe he could have overthrown the government and wouldn't have to be debating in the first place.

It's called work ethic, Donald. Come on! Of course, Donald Trump wasn't the only one spinning his performance last night. His aforementioned vice president, J.D. Vance, was asked about why Donald Trump ranted about illegal immigrants eating pets. And his response was illuminating. Why...

push something that's not true. Well, first of all, city officials have not said it's not true. They've said they don't have all the evidence. They said they have no evidence. We've heard from a number of constituents on the ground, Caitlin, who both firsthand and secondhand reports saying this stuff is happening. So they very clearly, meaning the people on the ground dealing with this, think that it is happening. And I think that it's important for journalists to actually get on the ground and uncover this stuff for themselves. Okay. Okay. Uh,

I'm sorry, this is not my main takeaway from the story, but someone's cat went missing, so they called their senator? I mean, were they like, hmm, should I go right to the President of the United States, or should I start with my senator? You gotta update those emergency numbers on your fridge, Barry. Come on. But perhaps, perhaps J.D. Vance has a point. If a story bubbles up from the right-wing sewer, it is our obligation, nay,

our duty in the mainstream media to investigate it no matter the cost. And that is exactly what we have done here at The Daily Show. I sent Ronny Chieng undercover to Springfield to find out if illegal migrants are really gobbling up our small-town cats. Let's go live to him now. Ronny. Ronny. Ronny, how is the investigation going?

Well, Jordan, I'm in Ohio in a cat costume trying to get migrants to eat me. So it's not great. Also, it's not working, okay? I even tenderized myself with a jerk rub and went around saying, meow, meow, I'm so tasty. Nothing. Okay, yeah, well, obviously you're not gonna fool anyone with a half-assed meow like that. You need to commit to the role, Ronnie. Hey, hey, don't tell me how to commit, all right? How many Marvel movies are you in, okay? Trust me.

Trust me, okay? I've tried everything. I shit in a box. I batter around some yarn. I play with a dead mouse I found. Nothing. Have you been licking your butthole? I can't reach my butthole. Did you try to reach your butthole? Yes, I've tried to reach my butthole, okay? I can't. It's impossible. Which I already knew for reasons I don't want to discuss. Okay, well, then what are we going to do about these allegations? I don't know, Jordan. How about we ignore them?

them. Good journalism doesn't mean we have to take every insane racist conspiracy theory at face value, okay? Let's just shit on it and move on like I did in a box earlier. Wow. Well, you know what? You know what, Roddy? Maybe you're right. I appreciate you taking journalistic principles so seriously. You're really following in the footsteps of Edward R. Miao Ro.

Ronnie, did you hear what I said? I said Edward R. Yeah, I heard what you said, all right. Wish you were dead, all right? Anyway, oh, oh, oh, wait, oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, someone's coming, someone's coming. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit, they're getting out of their car and they're coming for me. What? They're coming for me. Hey, Ronnie, Ronnie, are you there? Ronnie, are you there? Hello, Ronnie. Yes, yes, I'm here. Oh, oh. Oh, thank God, okay.

You're ba-- What-what happened? Were you-were you... were you kidnapped by, uh, hungry immigrants? No, no, no. I-I think I was adopted by a childless cat lady. Oh. All right. Okay. Hang tight. Ronny, hang tight. We're sending someone to bring you back. Oh, actually, you know what? Uh, hold off. Uh, she's in the kitchen cooking me some organic chicken right now. I-I want to see how this plays out. Awesome! I love these things. I... Okay, have fun, Ronny. Ronny Chieng, everyone.

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